Original subtitles

Oh, I can't believe it! Arsenio Hall, my favorite comedian!

Hey, Bobo. Very hip -handsome.

Oh, thank you. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, Arsenio. Hey, do me a favor, huh? Well, let me hear one of your things

make you go, hmm, huh?

That's very flattering, Bobo, but I'm moving on. That's behind me now. Oh,

really? Oh.

Oh, you're doing kids' parties, huh?

Well, actually, tonight I'm playing the clown in the opera Pagliacci. Oh.

And I'll be singing the aria Vetti la Giuba.

Oh, wow. Check this out. We'll just check.

Sorry, this cold is kicking my behind. Oh, man, you got it bad, huh?

Hey, look, I got something for you. What you got? Here you go. Check this stuff

out. I never heard of this. Bear quill? Yeah, it's good stuff. My whole family

uses it, trust me.

Yeah, yeah.

It's a snorting, sneezing, kick your behind till you hibernate medicine.

Yeah, it's kicking in. There it goes. It's hitting the lips. Yeah.

Yeah.

There it goes.

Yep, yep. Oh, you got it.

There you go.

It's working.

We got a show for you.

Guaranteed brand new.

Arsenio? Oh, yeah, you missed it.

Arsenio just did this great bit where he dresses up like a clown and then he

takes a sip of my bear quill there and pretends like he's, you know, he's

poisoned, you know.

So just exactly how much of that bear quill did you give him? Oh, I just gave

him, you know, a regular dosage, you know.

Well, that is the prescribed amount for a 500 -pound bear.

Yeah. Oh, man, Bobo, he's dead.

Your bear quill killed him.

You're kidding me.

Ivan, I've been using that stuff for six months, and I feel like I'm in...

I got

you.

I got you. I got... Sorry, it's the grief talking.

Oh, man. We got two minutes to the show. Our guest star is dead.

I'm freaking out here. I'm vapor locking.

I'm... I'm... Oh, Clifford, snap out of it, buddy. Look, I've got a plan.

First, we dump this body in the basement, and then we find a new guest

Oh, well, uh... Ah, Beaker does a rather convincing impersonation of Little

Richard. Really?

What's this?

Mm -hmm.

Good try, Beaker, but that is the worst impersonation of Little Richard I've

ever seen.

Oh, man.

We gotta find somebody who can get us a guest star.

Somebody with decades of experience.

Somebody with the wisdom of Solomon and the vision of Da Vinci and the

brilliance of Einstein.

Well, there's only one person who could fit that bill. And I've got her on the

phone. You mean... Yes!

Kathy Arlen!

Right back, guys.

Hello? Hey, Kathy, we got real trouble here.

Let me guess, you killed your guest star.

Boy, you could.

So what would you do to get a guest star, Kathy?

Gosh, if I needed a guest star, I'd try sitting poolside in a bikini.

Excellent idea.

Beaky and I would get right on it.

What if that doesn't work?

Well, you know, there is one more thing you could try, but it's a long shot.

You'd need a lovable talking bear.

Oh, no, whoa, whoa.

That's going to be tough. Talking bear?

They're hard to find.

Oh, pipe down, lovable talking bear. We've got to think here.

Oh! Oh!

Wait a minute. That's it.

I'll go get Fozzie. Wait, wait, wait. Use the bear that you've got right

Bobo, you go out on the street and get a guest star. Why, I have peaches.

Wait, wait, wait. Bobo killed our last guest star.

That's good.

This will give him a chance to redeem himself.

Hey, good character arc.

Gotta go. Time to abdominize.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I jumped the split screen. I need blends of steel by Friday.

Get out of here.

situation, Muppets Tonight has been preempted. Yay!

I'm not finished.

Until we get a new guest star. In the meantime, here's a word from one of our

sponsors. Let's take a look.

Hello, I'm Johnny Fiamma.

How many times have you been watching a play, and by the second act you're

thinking, boy, could I go for a nice plate of baked ziti right now.

Well... When you're at Johnny Fiamma's pasta playhouse, we don't wait for the

second act, because when the curtain comes up, so does your food.

Sal, that don't sound right to me.

No, that's the way you wrote it, Johnny.

Really? Yeah.

All right.

Oh, Johnny, I think I burned strombolis.

And don't forget, all this week, live on stage, it's The Odd Couple, starring

Tales from the Vets' very own Dr. Phil Van Nutter and Mulch. Ready, Dave?

Oscar, where am I going to get gravy at 8 o 'clock?

Now it doesn't just come when you cook the meat.

When do you come up with these ideas?

Enjoy the witty dialogue of America's poet laureate, Neil Simon, as your food

brought right to your seat, piping hot. Thanks, CD, coming through.

Watch it, watch it, it's very, very hot. All right.

Hey, there's monkey hair in my ziti.

Quiet. It's good for your fiber. Now, shh.

Oh,

Oscar, what am I going to do?

The pigeon says it will be here any moment.

that meatball.

Yes,

I know I'm breaking character, but I'm not uttering another syllable till

whoever threw that meatball comes forward.

So

remember,

when you come to Johnny Fiamma's Pasta Playhouse, Paul, pile on the food and

howl. at the laughter, stopping your face from now here to after. Oh, what a

place.

Johnny's Pasta Playhouse.

Free fire in the kitchen.

Run, run, run.

Save yourself, Johnny. Save myself.

Send the prosciutto.

Send the prosciutto.

Hey, Clifford, this guest star weighs a ton. Maybe we really don't need to drag

him all the way to the basement.

Well, what do you usually do with a dead body?

I'm a rat. You don't want to know.

Hi, guys.

I'd like you to meet Chris Darden and two of L .A.'s finest.

I'm just giving them a little backstage tour.

Hey, Clifford. Good to meet you.

Well, look who it is.

It's Chris Darden.

So, what do you have in the bag? A dead body?

Yeah, we kill the guest star.

Make sure you get him into the freezer before he goes bad.

You know, Mr. Dunn, can I just say something here? I think you should have

own show. I really mean that.

No, really.

What's in the bag?

Do you have a warrant?

No. Then it's not City Hall!

Nice to meet you, Mr. Dodd. Come on. Come on.

Okay. Come on, guys. I'll give you that tour of the studio now. Sounds great.

So where was I anyway?

All throughout the trial, it was nothing but Marsha, Marsha, Marsha.

Oh, Clifford, my arms is getting tired. Can we just put Mr. Hall in the closet

until we think of something?

Yeah, yeah, you're right, you're right. But don't you think this whole thing is

kind of weird?

Weird? Nah, this is just slightly bizarre. You want weird? I can tell you

stories. Never mind.

Now, let's put them down.

Nice and easy. Okay.

Oh, man, we got the mountains.

Yeah, it wasn't nice, but it was easy.

Hey, that's not funny. Come on, let's go, let's go. Okay, after you.

Okay, come on, Mulch.

Okay,

come on, come on, come on.

Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick. Go get him, get him, get him.

Hurry up. Hurry up.

Oh, finally, Mulch. The moment of triumph of our careers.

We will bring back to life Arsenio Hall.

in front of millions and millions of viewers.

Oh, all right, maybe a couple hundred.

Come on, come on.

Straight back to the lab, mulch.

Oh, our great Uncle Brangham would be so proud.

All right.

Arsenio's tucked away safe and sound. It's just our little secret, right,

Sure, no problem.

Wait a minute. How can you guys be so calm about all this? You act like you've

done this kind of thing before.

I have no comment at this time on the advice of my attorney on the grounds

it might incriminate me. Ditto.

All right, well, just remember, it's our little secret.

Sure, no problem. Now the main order of business is just to find a new guest

star. Yeah, I wonder how Bubba's doing out there.

I don't know.

Muppets Tonight.

Hey, we're looking for guest stars. Line up over here, please. Muppets Tonight.

Looking for guest stars.

Excuse me, excuse me. I couldn't help but overhear you're looking for a guest

star, and I thought...

You know, maybe I could help. Oh, that's great. You're just the guy I'm looking

for. Hey, least I can do. I love the Muppets. Yeah, great. Okay, so here's

plan. I'll stay here, and you work the other side of the street there. Okay?

right. Hey, Muppets tonight.

Looking for guest stars. I'm a big Koppel fan.

Muppets tonight.

And now, another dose of barnyard drama on E -I -E -I -O -R.

All right, what is wrong with you?

I'm a little hoarse. Nonsense.

You look plenty big to me.

All right, now you just relax while I take your blood pressure.

Thank you, Doctor.

Mm -hmm.

There we go.

Oh.

Hello, Dr. Payne.

Yes. Hi, darling.

Dr. Payne. Yes, dear.

Mm -hmm. I thought you brought me up Saturday.

Dr. Payne.

All right, now tell me, what is the last thing that you remember?

The last thing I remember is you asking me what's the last thing I remember.

Hey, that's right.

Am I cured?

Nope. Oh, sorry.

We only cure hands. Waka waka. Well, then I guess there's hope for you.

Oh, but honey pie, I'm sorry.

I had no idea.

I just... Now that's what I call high blood pressure.

Join us next time for another annoying episode of E -I -E -I -O -R when you'll

hear Dr. Fozzie say... Well, I think we've nuked this bit for all it's worth.

Boo. Wait a second. I thought Tau said moo. Not after that joke.

Waka waka.

Here are your copies, just like you like it. Nice and strong, I hope you're

wearing your seatbelt.

I don't have time for that now, in case you haven't noticed, I have nothing on

the air, nothing!

Oh, and maybe you should cue Tales from the Vet.

Why? Well, because it's scheduled to be on now, and everyone's on stage.

Good idea.

Cue Tales from the Vet.

And now it's time for another episode of Tales from the Vet.

Scared you, didn't I? Yes, always.

Welcome to a very, very special edition of Tales from the Vet.

Tonight, I, Dr.

Phil Van Neuter, will miraculously bring back to life dead tissue.

Mulch. No, no, no, not tissue.

Mulch. Human tissue.

Go, go, go, get out of here.

Watch your mouth.

What I'm talking about is reanimating a human.

And a celebrity at that.

May I present the lifeless body of the one, the only, America's favorite funny

man, Mr.

Arsenio Hall!

That's it!

Give it up! Give it up! Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo!

Arsenio, what's he doing out on stage?

Rizzo, did anybody lock the closet?

Uh, Zippity, Clifford here would like to know why you didn't lock the closet. I

wasn't supposed to lock the closet. You were.

No, no, I distinctly remember him telling you.

With the help of our magnetic revivifier, Mr. Hall will be back on his

good as new.

All righty, mulch.

17 ,000 volts should be just about enough electricity to gently wake Mr.

Hall from his untimely sleep, shall we say?

Okay, we'll round it out to an even 50 ,000 volts. That ought to make him sit

and go whoop, whoop, whoop.

Ready!

This way, Clifford. Things are looking up. Yeah, where are you? It wouldn't

happened if you'd have locked the closet.

I wasn't supposed to lock the closet. You won't believe me. It was your job.

was your job. It was your job.

Listen,

Clifford, I got some bad news and some really bad news. The bad news is I'm

having no luck finding a guest star.

The real bad news is I don't think they deliver pizza to phone booths. Hey,

excuse me. Excuse me.

Clifford, look, I got to run. I got a potential 911 here.

Look, buddy, I don't think you want to mess with me. I'm a bear, you know.

I don't think you know who I am. I'm a little upset about this, all right? Let

me give you a hand. I host a very popular talk show.

Oh, you're Rosie.

Rosie?

I'm on every night. I'm on tonight.

A tonight -type show.

Well, look, pal, I know Jerry Springer.

And you, sir, are no Jerry Springer.

Clever, clever, clever, clever. Where's Kermit? You got me.

Well, where's Arsenio Hall?

Well, his condition is stable.

Oh, so he's getting better.

Now I said his condition is stable.

He's still dead.

All right.

That's it. I've had enough.

There's nothing on stage. This happens every week. I can't date.

world muppets and give me a double choker with a zip jay hey that's my job

real world and i'll have what he's having thank you eugene this is the true

story of five muppets picked to live in a house and have their lives taped to

find out what happened when muppets stop being polite and start being real the

real world muppets

This week I decided to call a roommate meeting to deal with all the recent

complaints. Well, if no one else is going to talk, I will.

Good. All right. First of all, I think we've all been living together here long

enough for people to stop marking their territory.

Okay, all right. That would be me.

I can't help it. You know, it's instinct.

Oh, yeah. It stinks, all right.

It won't happen again.

Starting now.

Oh, man, that's disgusting.

Nobody was so bobo.

I decided to call another meeting to discuss a few more troubling issues.

All right, number two.

Last week, I made a point of labeling all of my food, but someone still keeps

eating it anyway.

It says Rizzo's Rap Child right on the boxes. Hey,

wait a second. That's one of them right there.

No, no, no, that's where you're wrong.

If you look closely, it says Bizzo's Rat Show.

Yeah, but your name is not Bizzo, it's Bobo.

Not when I'm eating Rat Show.

Bizzo is so... Rizzo.

Number 28.

In the middle of the night, someone keeps tipping over the trash can and

fish guts all over the back porch.

Well, don't look at me.

Sounds more like...

Bizzo's work.

Bizzo is so bobo.

We stole the detergent. Next week on Real World... That was me. You wipe your

nose. Hello.

Got a triple cheese pizza here for Bizzo the rat.

No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. That's Bizzo the bat. But you're a bear.

Not when I'm eating cheese pizza.

You're a dead bat, Bizzo.

the island's first theory of guest star attraction is flawed.

We've been out here in bikinis all day and no one's paid any attention to us.

Maybe you should trade up to a one -piece.

Yeah, work for us.

Muppet Classic Theater presents Howard Tubman in Boar's Head Revisited.

Steam and steamability.

Sir?

Sir? I said get this apple out of my mouth. Oh, very good, sir. Not too late,

too late, too late.

Carter, are you sure that this steam cabinet will help me lose weight without

having to exercise?

Well, perhaps we should turn it on, sir.

Yes, yes, yes. Well, turn it on, man.

Oh, very good.

Why is this taking so long?

But, sir, you've just got in.

Well, I've got to get out. What? I've got to get out. The walls are closing

I'm getting close to father.

Relax, sir. Relax. Relax, sir. Relax. Breathe deeply.

In.

Out. In.

Out. In.

Out. Oh, yeah. Hey, that's better.

Yeah. Turn it up, Carter.

Very good, sir.

Hey, that's nice.

Yeah.

Okay.

There you go.

I'm fine.

It's recent critical mass, sir. Yeah, well, so are my thighs.

Do it, man. Do it.

Oh, my.

I'm no bigger than a cocktail weenie. Oh, dear.

Cocktail weenie?

Carter. Fetch me some sauerkraut and mustard. I'm going to eat myself.

I believe the steam has cooked your brain, sir.

Oh, sweetbreads. I'll have them first.

Oh,

what are we going to do? We got no guest star, nothing to put on stage.

All right, that's it. I'm just going to go out there and tell the audience the

truth. Clifford, Clifford, Beaker's out there doing his little Richard

impersonation. Really?

I could just kiss that meep, meep, meepin' little carrot top. Listen,

your meep, meep, meepin' language?

Boy,

that beaker does a great little richin', doesn't he, beaker?

Well, things worked out.

I'm going to go out and say goodnight, Nigel.

Wait a minute. Will somebody please tell me what happened to Arsenio Hall? I

demand an all right this minute. What happened to Arsenio Hall?

There he is.

Could I talk to you for a minute, please?

Sure.

Carmen, this place is crazy, man.

I mean, first I get cold medicine from a bear.

Then some lunatic veterinarian shoots me 5 ,000 feet into the air. And you know

what? While I was up there, I could have swore I saw Chris Darden and Little

Richard leading the studio together.

Well, they didn't actually lead together. They just left at the same

It was very weird. Look, I came to perform Pagliacci, and perform Pagliacci

what I plan to do.

Oh, okay.

Well, at least it sounds like it's cold is better. Yeah, that's true.

Hey, has anybody seen that bass drum that I filled with combustible P4

explosives? Uh -oh.

Gonzo, why would you fill a bass drum with explosives?

Uh, Clifford, everybody knows that when you keep explosives in a tuba, they get

spit all over them.

Good point.

Yeah. That's what I thought.

Sorry about that little incident before. I can't believe you didn't recognize

me. Look, I hosted tonight's show. My picture's all over here.

Sorry, it just doesn't ring a bell.

Oh, okay, okay, okay.

Jay, Jay. What's up, man? I need you inside, man. Wow.

Kevin Eubanks. Hey, how you doing?

Wait, wait, wait. You know him, but you don't know me?

Well, yeah. Yeah, he's my favorite guitarist. Hey, I got all your CDs,

Thanks, man. You know, you'd be a perfect guest for Muppets Tonight.

I would?

Yeah. That's cool.

Jay. What?

I'm not really feeling that good, man. You think I could just take tonight off?

Oh, Kevin, hey, don't worry. I got some Bear Quill. And that'll fix you right

up, you know.

There's gonna be none of those stupid HBO movies. I can tell. I see it coming.

Oh, no, don't blow it!

What? I'm sorry!

I'm sorry!

Forgive me!

Forgive me!

Forgive me!

I can't take this anymore.

There's nothing on stage.

There's...