Original subtitles

Third floor studio, Ms. Abdul.

Thank you, Seymour.

You're welcome.

Hey, Clifford. Hi, Paula.

I just wanted to welcome you to Muppets tonight.

It's really great to have you here. You know, it's a tradition for the guest

stars to kiss me.

For good luck before the show.

Really? How long is this tradition going on? Oh, about 30 seconds.

Not so.

What? You probably flirt with all the ladies on the show, huh?

No, no, no. That's not true, Paula. I think you're beautiful.

I could watch you until the cows come home.

Clifford, we're home.

Oh, man.

I gotta go.

It's Muppets Tonight with our very special guest star, Paula Abdul.

Yay!

If you're a human being, take a break from the race.

Take a load off your feet, watch the look off your face. Got a lot to do, and

do it for you.

Everybody take the place. Look in tonight.

Tonight,

tonight. We got it.

Muppets Tonight, a show that can be summed up in one word.

Super Magnet, Marvel, Magic, Terrific, Broke, Witty. Help.

Our guest tonight is the fabulously talented singer and dancer,

Miss Paula Abdul.

But wait, wait, wait, wait. Before you think we have too much class, here with

tune is our favorite blue loon, the great Gonzo.

I bring you a team of well -trained artillery shells.

The refined young kids.

It's Johnny Fiamma.

Hey, nice legs, Sal.

Yo, Rizzo, this musical number is a hit.

Yeah,

a direct hit.

Oh, don't worry. I didn't feel a thing because the little people floating

in my head, they protected me.

Oh,

come on, Clifford. You're not even hurt. Shut up.

Oh,

Paula. I got hit by a cannonball.

Bad.

I don't think I'm going to make it. How about a little kiss?

It could be my last.

Sure.

Now for an editorial message from Sam Eagle.

Good evening.

Tonight I... Excuse me.

Tonight I would like to talk about the lack of heroes in society today.

Here we have two typical youngsters growing up in society today.

Ha! You're dead!

I am not. I blew your head off. You did not.

Did not. Did you? Did not. Did you? I have an idea. What?

Let's turn the game on.

Oh, yeah.

Shocking. They didn't even know the game was off.

And what is the source of this ignorance?

Young people have no role models today. No heroes, if you will.

Say, now that we played that violent video game, I feel like hurting you. I

like hurting you, too.

Violently. Oh, yeah. What say you boys? Have you no heroes?

Yeah. We got a hero right here. We got hero sandwiches.

Yeah. My hero is a salami sort of death. And mine is a bologna bazooka. What'd

you think of that sketch?

Well, it was better than getting hit in the head by a two -by -four.

No, it...

Welcome to Swiftwits, the fastest game show on TV. I'm your host, Snooki Blyer,

and here's today's contestant, Mr. Nate Leakey. Nate, I understand you have a

very weird hobby.

Well, that's right, Snooki. I can swallow. Oh, that's fascinating, Nate.

today you're going to be playing for Hopper, a cute little bunny rabbit who

dreams of visiting his relatives overseas.

And, Nate, you can make that dream come true by answering our question

correctly. Of course, if you fail, Hopper will be devoured by someone who's

a relative, our very own Carl the Big Mean Bunny.

Hi.

Now, as you know, we've never had a correct answer on the show, but today

going to change because I'm going to give the correct answer to Nate.

Say, that's not fair.

Yes, yes.

And neither are our ratings. We've got to do something to spice this thing up.

Okay, Nate, the answer is cheese.

You've got ten seconds. Pizza.

No, Nate, it's cheese.

Swiss. No, just lean burgers.

Just getting my picture taken. Nate, Nate, two more seconds. Cheese, cheese.

Oh,

I get it. You just wanted me to say cheese.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Now that Hopper is joyriding down Carl's colon, now the

light bulb goes on.

Okay, team, things are going very smoothly. Let's get ready to cue the

-inch snails. They're not here yet, sir.

What? Where are they? Carpooling with the turtles.

Oh, well, then let's cue whale theater. Take the one cue.

Cue the whales.

And now, the classic theater of whales presents Sherlock Holmes and the Case of

the Red Herring. Oh, hello, Dr. Watson.

When will Mr. Holmes be in? I got him a case of red herring, and I'm hoping

he'll get here before the cat gets it, you know.

I warrant he'll be here.

moment if he knows there's a new case to be struck.

Oh, that must be him now.

Hello, Watson.

I smell fish and a flattened feline.

And judging by the look on your face, I've crushed Miss Weatherington again.

You're amazing.

How do you do it? I have a very sensitive abdomen, Watson.

Quick, Watson. Draw bar. I'm beginning to dry out on top.

You bloody beluga.

Ladies and gentlemen, Muppet Tonight proudly presents Opposites Attract,

featuring our very own Clifford and the fabulously talented Miss Paula Abdul.

Yeah!

Ever a three.

And you like to move you. And I like to move me. Our friends are saying we ain't

gonna last.

And baby, I'm glad.

I like to be quiet.

And I like to shout.

The natural.

We'll be right back.

get her.

I just love those fun musical numbers. Okay, we're going next to the nine -inch

snail. They're still not here yet, sir.

What? Where are they? What are they doing?

Crawling? In a word, yes.

Oh. Then two buns and a beaker. You'll be in deep.

Hello, and welcome to Muppet Lab, where through the application of science, we

bring tomorrow's yesterday to you today.

Earlier on the program, Mr. Sam Eagle delivered a stirring editorial.

Lamenting the lack of heroes in our society.

We here at Muppet Labs agree that society could really use a hero right

now. So we built one.

Peaky?

Peaky? Yes.

Our robot is just like the 16th president in every way.

Except for the nuts, bolts, wiring stuff.

Our forefather.

Our forefather. Oh, dear. Our forefather.

That's 16 fathers. We seem to be having a minor problem.

Oh, we seem to be having

a major problem.

Oh, dear.

I've been around a lot of rock musicians, and you know I've seen some

stuff. This is so weird.

Well, let's see. We have a crazed robot.

Oh, it's just down the hall. Oh, thank you.

And talking cannonballs.

No, Paul, I'd say this is a pretty average show.

Hi,

Mr. Callahan. How you doing? The usual? No?

Well, then, let me try something out on you. I call this... That's my whip

maricato. Yeah, and I put a little pepper in there to give it just an extra

Something wrong?

Boy,

it looks like there's a little too much zip in my whip.

What's that you say?

A clueless? Yeah, he's in the back. I'll call him.

Clueless! Yeah, Polly.

Thank you. Thank you. Oh, hi, Mr. Callahan.

Say, are you wearing jasmine?

You always have such a lovely bouquet about you.

And say coolest. Yeah. What's this I hear about you going to driving school?

Oh, well, the missus says I've been driving it crazy for so many years, I

to go to school and learn how to do it right.

To do it right.

To do it right. I get it. I get it.

What? Chips thing.

Oh, I thought you'd never ask. Paul.

That was cheesy.

Say goodnight, Clueless.

Oh, okay. Goodnight, Clueless.

Hey,

hey!

Okay, good news, team. Robot Lincoln has officially left the building. Yeah.

Yeah, so get ready to keep it.

Don't tell me. The nine -inch snails still aren't here. No, no, they're here,

sir, but they were mobbed by groupies. Yeah, it was a slug fest.

Get it, slug?

Cue pigs in space. Cue the space pigs.

Once again, it's time for Pigs in Space, Deep Dish 9, the next generation of

Pigs in Space.

Captain, someone has sabotaged the artificial gravity system.

We're all about... to become weightless.

Finally!

Oh, hey.

This is nice.

Oh, what a view. Do not train yourself trying to hold on to the equipment. I am

not holding on to the equipment.

Oh? Are you not feeling any lighter yet?

Not yet.

Are you not experiencing any of that airy, light as a feather feeling around

your toes and ankle?

Look, Buster, I happen to be big -boned.

Captain, I have found the problem.

A faulty circuit breaker.

Isn't that a hoot? Then go down and push the switch.

Will you get off me, you galactic goofball?

Hey, thank you, Commander. That was a nice cushy landing, if you know what I

mean. That was highly enjoyable.

Let's do it again.

Push the switch.

Clippard, we've taken care of it. We've zapped the Mr. Lincoln robot with these

powerful rays, and in doing so, have diminished his strength by a factor of

three. Me, me, me!

Yes, yes, I don't think we'll be seeing much of Mr. Lincoln anymore.

Or maybe we'll be seeing him more often.

or diminish threefold or increase threefold.

I was afraid of that.

Clifford, would you happen to have any nuclear rods on you?

Oh, man. I must have left them in my other pants.

Baker,

no.

Did you see that stiff, lifeless robotic acting? By Lincoln?

No, by the rest of the cast.

Actually,

I like Lincoln.

You should like him. You voted for him.

Once again, it's time for great moments in Elvis history.

Tonight, Elvis Caesar.

Hello? Caesar, approach us!

Hail Caesar!

Hail Caesar!

Hail Caesar!

Hail nothing.

I just got back from conquering the world.

Well, you've got a lot of gall.

I've got all the gall, and part of Saxony, too.

What about turkey and grief?

Oh, no, thank you. I like turkey with stuffing.

Hail... Anthony, hail Brute. Hail, hail, hail.

Hail, hail, the gang's all here.

Friends, Romans, and countrymen, lend me your steers.

I'm going to make us up some good old -fashioned barbecue beef sandwiches.

Uh -huh. Looky here.

We brought our own cutlery.

Yeah. Mercy.

At two, Brute? Nope. At three, I love that barbecue sauce.

Mmm, tasty.

Say, fellas, how'd you like to come back to my place? I got huge rooms and 99

-cent shrimp cocktail.

Where do you live?

What's wrong with you? Haven't you ever heard of Caesar's Palace?

Oh, yeah.

Tune in next time when great moments in Elvis history will present Sir Elvis

Newton.

Now this sets me to theorizing.

Slice this up, plus bacon and a light fluffy crust equals one heck of a tasty

pie.

Mercy!

Hey, yeah.

You know, I've seen a lot of cute kids, but this next act is so cute, I just

melt like a fat pat of butter on a short stack of flapjacks. Ladies and

gentlemen, all the way from Pompano Beach, Florida, the Whipley Triplets.

Little triplets.

closing number, but I can't let you go out there with that crazed robot Lincoln

on the loose.

What about my routine?

It's too dangerous. I will not let you do it. Okay. Bye.

What happened?

Nice going, Clifford. We got five minutes left in the show and no closing

number. I didn't think you'd actually leave. Oh, man, this is terrible.

Guys, listen up. I've thought it over.

I've never let anyone down before, and I'm not about to do it now.

Don't worry, Clifford. I'll go take care of that robot Lincoln. All right. Hey,

Paula. Paula. Hey, what about a little kiss for good luck, huh? Yeah, right.

Yes.

She digs me.

Nobody loves robot

Lincoln.

important lesson about heroism. Heroes cannot be built. They must be born.

They cannot be made. They must be shaped by adversity like our fabulous guest

star, Miss Paula Abdul, who took a disaster and turned it into a rather

closing number, don't you think?

girl.

Can I set the margin?

No.

Come on.

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