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Third floor studio, Ms. Abdul.
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Thank you, Seymour.
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You're welcome.
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00:00:08,360 --> 00:00:10,580
Hey, Clifford. Hi, Paula.
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I just wanted to welcome you to Muppets
tonight.
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00:00:13,640 --> 00:00:17,579
It's really great to have you here. You
know, it's a tradition for the guest
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stars to kiss me.
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For good luck before the show.
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Really? How long is this tradition going
on? Oh, about 30 seconds.
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Not so.
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What? You probably flirt with all the
ladies on the show, huh?
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No, no, no. That's not true, Paula. I
think you're beautiful.
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I could watch you until the cows come
home.
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Clifford, we're home.
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Oh, man.
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I gotta go.
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It's Muppets Tonight with our very
special guest star, Paula Abdul.
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Yay!
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If you're a human being, take a break
from the race.
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00:00:58,440 --> 00:01:03,379
Take a load off your feet, watch the
look off your face. Got a lot to do, and
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00:01:03,380 --> 00:01:04,430
do it for you.
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00:01:04,800 --> 00:01:07,980
Everybody take the place. Look in
tonight.
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00:01:08,920 --> 00:01:09,970
Tonight,
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00:01:10,480 --> 00:01:13,960
tonight. We got it.
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Muppets Tonight, a show that can be
summed up in one word.
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00:01:54,570 --> 00:01:57,630
Super Magnet, Marvel, Magic, Terrific,
Broke, Witty. Help.
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Our guest tonight is the fabulously
talented singer and dancer,
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Miss Paula Abdul.
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00:02:07,230 --> 00:02:12,669
But wait, wait, wait, wait. Before you
think we have too much class, here with
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tune is our favorite blue loon, the
great Gonzo.
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I bring you a team of well -trained
artillery shells.
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The refined young kids.
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It's Johnny Fiamma.
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Hey, nice legs, Sal.
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Yo, Rizzo, this musical number is a hit.
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Yeah,
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a direct hit.
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Oh, don't worry. I didn't feel a thing
because the little people floating
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in my head, they protected me.
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00:03:59,020 --> 00:04:00,070
Oh,
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00:04:01,080 --> 00:04:04,900
come on, Clifford. You're not even hurt.
Shut up.
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00:04:06,200 --> 00:04:07,250
Oh,
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Paula. I got hit by a cannonball.
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00:04:10,760 --> 00:04:11,810
Bad.
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I don't think I'm going to make it. How
about a little kiss?
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It could be my last.
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00:04:17,959 --> 00:04:19,009
Sure.
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Now for an editorial message from Sam
Eagle.
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Good evening.
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Tonight I... Excuse me.
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Tonight I would like to talk about the
lack of heroes in society today.
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Here we have two typical youngsters
growing up in society today.
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Ha! You're dead!
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I am not. I blew your head off. You did
not.
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Did not. Did you? Did not. Did you? I
have an idea. What?
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00:05:00,160 --> 00:05:02,040
Let's turn the game on.
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00:05:02,300 --> 00:05:03,350
Oh, yeah.
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Shocking. They didn't even know the game
was off.
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00:05:07,780 --> 00:05:10,180
And what is the source of this
ignorance?
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Young people have no role models today.
No heroes, if you will.
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Say, now that we played that violent
video game, I feel like hurting you. I
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like hurting you, too.
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Violently. Oh, yeah. What say you boys?
Have you no heroes?
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Yeah. We got a hero right here. We got
hero sandwiches.
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Yeah. My hero is a salami sort of death.
And mine is a bologna bazooka. What'd
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00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:38,840
you think of that sketch?
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Well, it was better than getting hit in
the head by a two -by -four.
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00:05:42,780 --> 00:05:43,830
No, it...
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Welcome to Swiftwits, the fastest game
show on TV. I'm your host, Snooki Blyer,
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and here's today's contestant, Mr. Nate
Leakey. Nate, I understand you have a
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very weird hobby.
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00:06:04,190 --> 00:06:08,089
Well, that's right, Snooki. I can
swallow. Oh, that's fascinating, Nate.
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today you're going to be playing for
Hopper, a cute little bunny rabbit who
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00:06:10,930 --> 00:06:13,160
dreams of visiting his relatives
overseas.
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00:06:13,161 --> 00:06:17,329
And, Nate, you can make that dream come
true by answering our question
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correctly. Of course, if you fail,
Hopper will be devoured by someone who's
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a relative, our very own Carl the Big
Mean Bunny.
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00:06:23,970 --> 00:06:25,020
Hi.
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Now, as you know, we've never had a
correct answer on the show, but today
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going to change because I'm going to
give the correct answer to Nate.
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00:06:33,720 --> 00:06:35,200
Say, that's not fair.
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Yes, yes.
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00:06:36,811 --> 00:06:40,519
And neither are our ratings. We've got
to do something to spice this thing up.
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Okay, Nate, the answer is cheese.
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You've got ten seconds. Pizza.
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00:06:45,640 --> 00:06:47,580
No, Nate, it's cheese.
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Swiss. No, just lean burgers.
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Just getting my picture taken. Nate,
Nate, two more seconds. Cheese, cheese.
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Oh,
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I get it. You just wanted me to say
cheese.
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Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Now that Hopper is
joyriding down Carl's colon, now the
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light bulb goes on.
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Okay, team, things are going very
smoothly. Let's get ready to cue the
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-inch snails. They're not here yet, sir.
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What? Where are they? Carpooling with
the turtles.
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00:07:31,030 --> 00:07:34,210
Oh, well, then let's cue whale theater.
Take the one cue.
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Cue the whales.
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And now, the classic theater of whales
presents Sherlock Holmes and the Case of
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the Red Herring. Oh, hello, Dr. Watson.
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When will Mr. Holmes be in? I got him a
case of red herring, and I'm hoping
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he'll get here before the cat gets it,
you know.
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I warrant he'll be here.
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moment if he knows there's a new case to
be struck.
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Oh, that must be him now.
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Hello, Watson.
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I smell fish and a flattened feline.
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00:08:02,710 --> 00:08:06,560
And judging by the look on your face,
I've crushed Miss Weatherington again.
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00:08:06,650 --> 00:08:08,010
You're amazing.
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00:08:08,610 --> 00:08:12,450
How do you do it? I have a very
sensitive abdomen, Watson.
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00:08:13,890 --> 00:08:17,350
Quick, Watson. Draw bar. I'm beginning
to dry out on top.
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You bloody beluga.
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Ladies and gentlemen, Muppet Tonight
proudly presents Opposites Attract,
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featuring our very own Clifford and the
fabulously talented Miss Paula Abdul.
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Yeah!
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Ever a three.
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And you like to move you. And I like to
move me. Our friends are saying we ain't
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gonna last.
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00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:04,640
And baby, I'm glad.
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00:09:05,500 --> 00:09:07,220
I like to be quiet.
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00:09:07,440 --> 00:09:08,800
And I like to shout.
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The natural.
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We'll be right back.
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00:10:32,810 --> 00:10:33,860
get her.
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I just love those fun musical numbers.
Okay, we're going next to the nine -inch
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00:11:07,860 --> 00:11:09,720
snail. They're still not here yet, sir.
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00:11:09,721 --> 00:11:11,819
What? Where are they? What are they
doing?
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00:11:11,820 --> 00:11:13,200
Crawling? In a word, yes.
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00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:16,340
Oh. Then two buns and a beaker. You'll
be in deep.
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00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:23,199
Hello, and welcome to Muppet Lab, where
through the application of science, we
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00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:26,260
bring tomorrow's yesterday to you today.
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00:11:28,160 --> 00:11:31,780
Earlier on the program, Mr. Sam Eagle
delivered a stirring editorial.
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Lamenting the lack of heroes in our
society.
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00:11:34,640 --> 00:11:39,139
We here at Muppet Labs agree that
society could really use a hero right
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00:11:39,140 --> 00:11:41,120
now. So we built one.
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00:11:41,380 --> 00:11:42,430
Peaky?
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00:11:42,580 --> 00:11:43,840
Peaky? Yes.
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00:11:44,540 --> 00:11:49,680
Our robot is just like the 16th
president in every way.
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Except for the nuts, bolts, wiring
stuff.
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00:11:53,780 --> 00:11:55,420
Our forefather.
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00:11:55,860 --> 00:11:59,560
Our forefather. Oh, dear. Our
forefather.
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00:12:01,550 --> 00:12:04,260
That's 16 fathers. We seem to be having
a minor problem.
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00:12:05,970 --> 00:12:12,949
Oh, we seem to be having
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a major problem.
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00:12:14,350 --> 00:12:15,400
Oh, dear.
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00:12:21,870 --> 00:12:25,369
I've been around a lot of rock
musicians, and you know I've seen some
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stuff. This is so weird.
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00:12:27,830 --> 00:12:29,690
Well, let's see. We have a crazed robot.
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Oh, it's just down the hall. Oh, thank
you.
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And talking cannonballs.
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00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:42,540
No, Paul, I'd say this is a pretty
average show.
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00:12:48,260 --> 00:12:49,310
Hi,
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00:12:53,460 --> 00:12:56,200
Mr. Callahan. How you doing? The usual?
No?
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00:12:56,620 --> 00:13:02,159
Well, then, let me try something out on
you. I call this... That's my whip
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00:13:02,160 --> 00:13:06,890
maricato. Yeah, and I put a little
pepper in there to give it just an extra
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00:13:08,170 --> 00:13:09,220
Something wrong?
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00:13:10,710 --> 00:13:11,760
Boy,
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00:13:13,290 --> 00:13:15,940
it looks like there's a little too much
zip in my whip.
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00:13:15,941 --> 00:13:17,829
What's that you say?
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A clueless? Yeah, he's in the back. I'll
call him.
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00:13:20,970 --> 00:13:22,550
Clueless! Yeah, Polly.
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Thank you. Thank you. Oh, hi, Mr.
Callahan.
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00:13:29,430 --> 00:13:31,610
Say, are you wearing jasmine?
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00:13:32,360 --> 00:13:34,770
You always have such a lovely bouquet
about you.
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00:13:34,771 --> 00:13:38,539
And say coolest. Yeah. What's this I
hear about you going to driving school?
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00:13:38,540 --> 00:13:42,999
Oh, well, the missus says I've been
driving it crazy for so many years, I
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00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:45,110
to go to school and learn how to do it
right.
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00:13:47,320 --> 00:13:48,780
To do it right.
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00:13:49,240 --> 00:13:54,480
To do it right. I get it. I get it.
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00:13:54,700 --> 00:13:56,460
What? Chips thing.
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00:13:56,740 --> 00:13:58,460
Oh, I thought you'd never ask. Paul.
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00:14:11,470 --> 00:14:12,520
That was cheesy.
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00:14:12,870 --> 00:14:14,710
Say goodnight, Clueless.
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00:14:14,950 --> 00:14:16,510
Oh, okay. Goodnight, Clueless.
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00:14:19,250 --> 00:14:20,300
Hey,
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00:14:30,790 --> 00:14:31,840
hey!
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00:14:34,210 --> 00:14:38,410
Okay, good news, team. Robot Lincoln has
officially left the building. Yeah.
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00:14:38,470 --> 00:14:39,930
Yeah, so get ready to keep it.
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00:14:39,931 --> 00:14:43,909
Don't tell me. The nine -inch snails
still aren't here. No, no, they're here,
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00:14:43,910 --> 00:14:47,170
sir, but they were mobbed by groupies.
Yeah, it was a slug fest.
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00:14:47,410 --> 00:14:48,550
Get it, slug?
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00:14:49,730 --> 00:14:51,470
Cue pigs in space. Cue the space pigs.
182
00:14:53,590 --> 00:14:58,389
Once again, it's time for Pigs in Space,
Deep Dish 9, the next generation of
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00:14:58,390 --> 00:15:01,150
Pigs in Space.
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00:15:04,430 --> 00:15:08,170
Captain, someone has sabotaged the
artificial gravity system.
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00:15:08,470 --> 00:15:10,580
We're all about... to become weightless.
186
00:15:12,340 --> 00:15:13,390
Finally!
187
00:15:14,780 --> 00:15:15,830
Oh, hey.
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00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:17,160
This is nice.
189
00:15:17,440 --> 00:15:23,639
Oh, what a view. Do not train yourself
trying to hold on to the equipment. I am
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00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:25,200
not holding on to the equipment.
191
00:15:25,420 --> 00:15:28,420
Oh? Are you not feeling any lighter yet?
192
00:15:28,421 --> 00:15:29,719
Not yet.
193
00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:33,899
Are you not experiencing any of that
airy, light as a feather feeling around
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00:15:33,900 --> 00:15:34,950
your toes and ankle?
195
00:15:35,180 --> 00:15:37,560
Look, Buster, I happen to be big -boned.
196
00:15:38,500 --> 00:15:40,720
Captain, I have found the problem.
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00:15:41,180 --> 00:15:42,940
A faulty circuit breaker.
198
00:15:43,380 --> 00:15:46,040
Isn't that a hoot? Then go down and push
the switch.
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00:15:48,580 --> 00:15:52,740
Will you get off me, you galactic
goofball?
200
00:15:52,741 --> 00:15:56,679
Hey, thank you, Commander. That was a
nice cushy landing, if you know what I
201
00:15:56,680 --> 00:15:58,940
mean. That was highly enjoyable.
202
00:15:59,340 --> 00:16:00,390
Let's do it again.
203
00:16:00,480 --> 00:16:01,530
Push the switch.
204
00:16:23,600 --> 00:16:27,839
Clippard, we've taken care of it. We've
zapped the Mr. Lincoln robot with these
205
00:16:27,840 --> 00:16:32,179
powerful rays, and in doing so, have
diminished his strength by a factor of
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00:16:32,180 --> 00:16:33,340
three. Me, me, me!
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00:16:33,640 --> 00:16:36,950
Yes, yes, I don't think we'll be seeing
much of Mr. Lincoln anymore.
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00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:41,620
Or maybe we'll be seeing him more often.
209
00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:54,060
or diminish threefold or increase
threefold.
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00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:57,100
I was afraid of that.
211
00:16:57,720 --> 00:17:01,200
Clifford, would you happen to have any
nuclear rods on you?
212
00:17:01,640 --> 00:17:04,740
Oh, man. I must have left them in my
other pants.
213
00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:06,450
Baker,
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00:17:07,220 --> 00:17:08,270
no.
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00:17:08,500 --> 00:17:12,560
Did you see that stiff, lifeless robotic
acting? By Lincoln?
216
00:17:12,760 --> 00:17:14,560
No, by the rest of the cast.
217
00:17:15,319 --> 00:17:16,369
Actually,
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00:17:16,940 --> 00:17:18,200
I like Lincoln.
219
00:17:18,700 --> 00:17:21,280
You should like him. You voted for him.
220
00:17:21,839 --> 00:17:26,040
Once again, it's time for great moments
in Elvis history.
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00:17:26,380 --> 00:17:28,220
Tonight, Elvis Caesar.
222
00:17:28,660 --> 00:17:30,340
Hello? Caesar, approach us!
223
00:17:30,580 --> 00:17:32,000
Hail Caesar!
224
00:17:32,220 --> 00:17:33,270
Hail Caesar!
225
00:17:33,420 --> 00:17:34,470
Hail Caesar!
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00:17:34,700 --> 00:17:35,750
Hail nothing.
227
00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:38,160
I just got back from conquering the
world.
228
00:17:38,380 --> 00:17:39,920
Well, you've got a lot of gall.
229
00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:42,600
I've got all the gall, and part of
Saxony, too.
230
00:17:42,880 --> 00:17:44,740
What about turkey and grief?
231
00:17:45,120 --> 00:17:47,410
Oh, no, thank you. I like turkey with
stuffing.
232
00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:51,490
Hail... Anthony, hail Brute. Hail, hail,
hail.
233
00:17:52,070 --> 00:17:53,850
Hail, hail, the gang's all here.
234
00:17:54,070 --> 00:17:58,210
Friends, Romans, and countrymen, lend me
your steers.
235
00:17:58,510 --> 00:18:02,390
I'm going to make us up some good old
-fashioned barbecue beef sandwiches.
236
00:18:03,170 --> 00:18:04,950
Uh -huh. Looky here.
237
00:18:05,190 --> 00:18:07,610
We brought our own cutlery.
238
00:18:07,830 --> 00:18:09,050
Yeah. Mercy.
239
00:18:09,510 --> 00:18:14,810
At two, Brute? Nope. At three, I love
that barbecue sauce.
240
00:18:15,390 --> 00:18:16,910
Mmm, tasty.
241
00:18:17,790 --> 00:18:22,149
Say, fellas, how'd you like to come back
to my place? I got huge rooms and 99
242
00:18:22,150 --> 00:18:23,290
-cent shrimp cocktail.
243
00:18:23,630 --> 00:18:24,680
Where do you live?
244
00:18:24,830 --> 00:18:28,230
What's wrong with you? Haven't you ever
heard of Caesar's Palace?
245
00:18:28,670 --> 00:18:29,720
Oh, yeah.
246
00:18:30,050 --> 00:18:35,449
Tune in next time when great moments in
Elvis history will present Sir Elvis
247
00:18:35,450 --> 00:18:36,500
Newton.
248
00:18:40,940 --> 00:18:42,760
Now this sets me to theorizing.
249
00:18:43,160 --> 00:18:48,399
Slice this up, plus bacon and a light
fluffy crust equals one heck of a tasty
250
00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:49,450
pie.
251
00:18:49,460 --> 00:18:50,510
Mercy!
252
00:18:53,100 --> 00:18:54,700
Hey, yeah.
253
00:18:55,900 --> 00:19:01,679
You know, I've seen a lot of cute kids,
but this next act is so cute, I just
254
00:19:01,680 --> 00:19:05,859
melt like a fat pat of butter on a short
stack of flapjacks. Ladies and
255
00:19:05,860 --> 00:19:09,700
gentlemen, all the way from Pompano
Beach, Florida, the Whipley Triplets.
256
00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:29,450
Little triplets.
257
00:19:54,671 --> 00:20:02,259
closing number, but I can't let you go
out there with that crazed robot Lincoln
258
00:20:02,260 --> 00:20:03,119
on the loose.
259
00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:04,260
What about my routine?
260
00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:08,760
It's too dangerous. I will not let you
do it. Okay. Bye.
261
00:20:09,320 --> 00:20:13,400
What happened?
262
00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:17,699
Nice going, Clifford. We got five
minutes left in the show and no closing
263
00:20:17,700 --> 00:20:21,660
number. I didn't think you'd actually
leave. Oh, man, this is terrible.
264
00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:24,420
Guys, listen up. I've thought it over.
265
00:20:24,700 --> 00:20:27,890
I've never let anyone down before, and
I'm not about to do it now.
266
00:20:27,891 --> 00:20:31,759
Don't worry, Clifford. I'll go take care
of that robot Lincoln. All right. Hey,
267
00:20:31,760 --> 00:20:35,430
Paula. Paula. Hey, what about a little
kiss for good luck, huh? Yeah, right.
268
00:20:36,880 --> 00:20:37,930
Yes.
269
00:20:38,420 --> 00:20:39,470
She digs me.
270
00:20:45,540 --> 00:20:52,039
Nobody loves robot
271
00:20:52,040 --> 00:20:53,090
Lincoln.
272
00:22:18,280 --> 00:22:24,540
important lesson about heroism. Heroes
cannot be built. They must be born.
273
00:22:24,760 --> 00:22:29,779
They cannot be made. They must be shaped
by adversity like our fabulous guest
274
00:22:29,780 --> 00:22:35,319
star, Miss Paula Abdul, who took a
disaster and turned it into a rather
275
00:22:35,320 --> 00:22:37,000
closing number, don't you think?
276
00:23:27,920 --> 00:23:28,970
girl.
277
00:24:25,360 --> 00:24:26,410
Can I set the margin?
278
00:24:26,420 --> 00:24:27,470
No.
279
00:24:27,820 --> 00:24:29,660
Come on.
280
00:24:29,710 --> 00:24:34,260
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