All language subtitles for Muppets Tonight s02e03 Heather Locklear

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:08,340 --> 00:00:10,380 Hello? Anybody here? 2 00:00:11,960 --> 00:00:12,960 Guys? 3 00:00:14,420 --> 00:00:15,420 Kermit? 4 00:00:16,239 --> 00:00:20,720 Clifford? Oh, man, it's Heather Locklear. That's her voice. That's her. 5 00:00:21,140 --> 00:00:23,180 Hello? Oh, no. 6 00:00:26,080 --> 00:00:27,360 What do you think she's going to do to us, Johnny? 7 00:00:27,700 --> 00:00:30,700 I'll tell you what she's going to do. She's going to blackmail all of us. 8 00:00:31,200 --> 00:00:32,680 And she'll start love triangles. 9 00:00:33,680 --> 00:00:37,060 Worse, she'll frame us for murder and we'll all go to the electric chair. 10 00:00:39,520 --> 00:00:42,840 Be quiet. If you can see her, throw the keyhole. Me? 11 00:01:05,069 --> 00:01:09,970 Some of the other guys are a little scared of you because, well... Because 12 00:01:09,970 --> 00:01:11,690 all the bad things I do on Melrose Place? 13 00:01:12,350 --> 00:01:13,350 Yeah. 14 00:01:13,770 --> 00:01:15,310 Guys, that is just a show. 15 00:01:15,510 --> 00:01:19,450 In real life, I am a perfectly normal, nice, decent person. 16 00:01:19,810 --> 00:01:23,390 Really? Yes. I couldn't hurt a flea. Really? 17 00:01:23,970 --> 00:01:25,350 Yes. Really? 18 00:01:25,690 --> 00:01:30,170 Yes. Really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really? Really? 19 00:02:45,710 --> 00:02:50,510 The show that has people all over the country saying, get that thing out of 20 00:02:50,510 --> 00:02:51,510 now. 21 00:02:54,350 --> 00:02:55,350 Yay! 22 00:02:56,190 --> 00:02:57,190 Many do. 23 00:02:57,250 --> 00:03:00,490 Our special guest star tonight is Heather Locklear. 24 00:03:00,870 --> 00:03:05,430 Yeah, give it up. But to start things off, let's take a trip to everybody's 25 00:03:05,430 --> 00:03:10,530 favorite hangout where the job is hot as lava and the mocha is no joker. The 26 00:03:10,530 --> 00:03:12,230 local coffee emporium. 27 00:03:16,940 --> 00:03:17,940 Say, 28 00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:21,780 fella, what is it with everybody? 29 00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:24,280 Why do they drink so much darn coffee? 30 00:03:24,860 --> 00:03:29,500 Hey, Teresa, like this cat wants to know why we drink so much coffee. 31 00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:31,100 Coffee! Coffee! 32 00:03:31,400 --> 00:03:32,400 Coffee! 33 00:03:32,840 --> 00:03:39,720 Way down among Brazilians, coffee beans grow by the billions, so 34 00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:41,420 they've got to find those extra... 35 00:03:46,640 --> 00:03:47,900 What, no tea? 36 00:03:48,320 --> 00:03:49,840 Or tomato juice? 37 00:03:50,440 --> 00:03:51,440 You'll see. 38 00:03:51,980 --> 00:03:57,880 No potato juice. Really? Cause the planters down in San Jose say no, no, 39 00:03:58,100 --> 00:04:02,740 You can't get cherry soda cause they've gotta sell their quota. And the way 40 00:04:02,740 --> 00:04:04,580 things are, I guess they never will. 41 00:05:16,330 --> 00:05:17,750 Should have ordered a decaf. 42 00:05:21,490 --> 00:05:22,850 Good, good, good, good. 43 00:05:24,290 --> 00:05:25,590 Yeah, nice work, dancers. 44 00:05:26,090 --> 00:05:27,610 Very good, very good. 45 00:05:28,230 --> 00:05:29,230 Nice work. 46 00:05:34,950 --> 00:05:36,410 Nice work, Steve. 47 00:05:36,730 --> 00:05:38,030 Oh, thanks, Nigel. 48 00:05:38,690 --> 00:05:41,290 Oh, there's my body. Oh, over here, fella. 49 00:05:41,530 --> 00:05:43,890 Oh, look at him. Poor guy doesn't have a clue. 50 00:05:44,810 --> 00:05:46,030 To your left. 51 00:05:46,470 --> 00:05:47,650 No, no, to your right. 52 00:05:48,210 --> 00:05:50,130 Headless body walking around. Can I get a little help? 53 00:05:50,390 --> 00:05:52,430 Can somebody please help Steve get his body? 54 00:05:53,150 --> 00:05:56,050 You know, 55 00:05:57,930 --> 00:06:01,270 when Heather Locklear agreed to do our show, she wanted to do something 56 00:06:01,270 --> 00:06:02,750 intelligent and sophisticated. 57 00:06:03,190 --> 00:06:04,710 And this is what we came up with. 58 00:06:05,930 --> 00:06:10,610 Muppets Tonight presents the hearty big boys in the mystery of the zombie queen 59 00:06:10,610 --> 00:06:13,450 of the Amazon outer space jungle bee woman case. 60 00:06:15,240 --> 00:06:18,900 Based on a novel by Jane Austen. Oh, who wrote this? 61 00:06:19,340 --> 00:06:20,340 We did. 62 00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:25,440 Here we are, Andy and Randy Hardy pig boys. Us. 63 00:06:25,840 --> 00:06:32,160 Junior space boy pig detectives marooned on a strange planet. Yes, because we 64 00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:33,780 are here to solve a mystery. 65 00:06:49,130 --> 00:06:50,750 How are you? Oh, not bad. How are you? 66 00:06:52,110 --> 00:06:53,530 We don't get it. 67 00:06:56,110 --> 00:06:59,750 Clifford, Clifford, you can't make me go out there. Oh, please, Heather. These 68 00:06:59,750 --> 00:07:03,110 pigs wrote this for you. Look at those little pork rinds. They're knocking 69 00:07:03,110 --> 00:07:04,110 themselves out. 70 00:07:04,970 --> 00:07:07,570 So you say they studied with Lee Stroth's pork? 71 00:07:07,830 --> 00:07:08,830 Eight long years. 72 00:07:10,130 --> 00:07:11,570 All right, I'll do it. 73 00:07:12,010 --> 00:07:13,630 But I'm keeping the costume. 74 00:07:16,310 --> 00:07:17,310 Fine with me. 75 00:07:24,560 --> 00:07:26,500 brings you before Queen Hawaii. 76 00:07:26,940 --> 00:07:27,940 Hawaii? 77 00:07:28,300 --> 00:07:29,560 Not bad. How are you? 78 00:07:30,540 --> 00:07:31,960 We still don't get it. 79 00:07:32,820 --> 00:07:34,000 But I thought you wrote it. 80 00:07:34,340 --> 00:07:38,780 Yeah, but we based it on one of those Jane Austen things. Yeah, you know those 81 00:07:38,780 --> 00:07:42,560 things that have the hard cardboard on the outside and the soft, flat stuff on 82 00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:43,459 the inside? 83 00:07:43,460 --> 00:07:44,259 You mean a book? 84 00:07:44,260 --> 00:07:45,260 No, pizza. 85 00:07:46,180 --> 00:07:48,560 Your script is based on a Jane Austen pizza? 86 00:07:49,260 --> 00:07:50,260 It is? 87 00:07:55,530 --> 00:07:59,130 Yo, yo, Zippity, hey, listen, if Evan Lockley is looking for me, tell him I'm 88 00:07:59,130 --> 00:08:00,550 a Neil Diamond concert. 89 00:08:01,290 --> 00:08:02,290 Oh, that's cold. 90 00:08:04,450 --> 00:08:05,450 No. 91 00:08:06,350 --> 00:08:07,450 No. No. 92 00:08:07,770 --> 00:08:09,490 What were you thinking when you wrote this? 93 00:08:09,870 --> 00:08:13,170 Nothing. Well, here's five pages with nothing but doodles. 94 00:08:14,570 --> 00:08:15,570 No. 95 00:08:17,590 --> 00:08:19,750 Oh, well, this is funny. Let's start right here. 96 00:08:19,970 --> 00:08:22,070 Oh, yeah, okay, okay. Okay, okay, okay. 97 00:08:22,330 --> 00:08:23,209 All right. 98 00:08:23,210 --> 00:08:24,210 Party, pig boy. 99 00:08:24,790 --> 00:08:26,990 Prepare to meet your fate. 100 00:08:27,710 --> 00:08:32,970 I will sacrifice you to the most horrible and terrifying monster of them 101 00:08:33,730 --> 00:08:34,730 Frogzilla! 102 00:08:37,210 --> 00:08:38,210 Gee, 103 00:08:42,669 --> 00:08:43,589 this is fun. 104 00:08:43,590 --> 00:08:45,630 I never get to play the bad guy. 105 00:08:53,640 --> 00:08:55,920 QA station Zebra. I don't want you. 106 00:09:47,440 --> 00:09:51,540 get to the problem at hand we are going to use hypnosis to integrate the good 107 00:09:51,540 --> 00:09:53,040 and evil sides of 108 00:10:14,640 --> 00:10:15,640 Right, here it is. 109 00:10:15,740 --> 00:10:19,280 You two make a pretty good living here, tampering with snacks. 110 00:10:19,500 --> 00:10:20,500 Well, 111 00:10:20,740 --> 00:10:25,200 you either cut me in on the action or I will shut you down so fast you won't 112 00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:26,200 know what hit you. 113 00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:28,600 Quick, Vicki, go back to the knife, Heather. 114 00:10:32,300 --> 00:10:35,160 You know who doesn't get enough credit? 115 00:10:35,620 --> 00:10:36,720 The Osmonds. 116 00:10:37,560 --> 00:10:41,120 Ellen, don't you just love the way babies' heads smell? 117 00:10:41,580 --> 00:10:43,720 If you could bottle it, you could make a mint. 118 00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:47,960 Good. Now we can begin the final process of integrating your personalities. 119 00:10:48,360 --> 00:10:50,980 Heather Locklear, you're wanted on stage. 120 00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:55,960 Heather Locklear on stage for the final number. 121 00:10:57,120 --> 00:11:00,500 We couldn't afford a PA system. 122 00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:03,940 Well, that's all right. You're special in your own wonderful way. 123 00:11:04,500 --> 00:11:07,960 Heather, you can't leave. You're still hypnotized. 124 00:11:08,180 --> 00:11:10,120 Oh, this is most irregular. 125 00:11:23,340 --> 00:11:30,000 Right you are, Heather, for you see, I was strolling through the park one day 126 00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:34,100 in the very merry month of May. 127 00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:40,960 I was bathed in my surprise by a pair of flirty eyes while strolling through the 128 00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:42,200 park one day. 129 00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:03,040 What are you looking at, green boy? 130 00:12:03,660 --> 00:12:04,660 What? 131 00:12:05,320 --> 00:12:09,720 Ooh. These modern dance routines are getting nuttier every day. I don't think 132 00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:12,560 that's part of the routine. I better go and check on Bustin' and Beacon. All 133 00:12:12,560 --> 00:12:13,560 right. 134 00:12:17,760 --> 00:12:24,640 When she winked those big boobs at me, it was 135 00:12:24,640 --> 00:12:26,920 very, very plain to see. 136 00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:32,000 That our love would surely grow like a river it would flow. 137 00:12:32,220 --> 00:12:34,720 And she'd be mine eternally. 138 00:12:38,140 --> 00:12:42,520 We're going to hear from people. 139 00:13:30,760 --> 00:13:31,760 Bun, Bun, do what you got to do. 140 00:13:32,020 --> 00:13:35,960 Well, Clifford, I'm afraid this case calls for the trout -a -noggin 141 00:13:36,380 --> 00:13:37,860 What's the trout -a -noggin technique? 142 00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:41,640 Well, Beaky takes a trout and whacks her on the noggin. 143 00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:42,840 Wow. 144 00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:47,780 I feel completely normal again. 145 00:13:48,300 --> 00:13:51,400 As if my personality had been integrated by a fish. 146 00:13:51,640 --> 00:13:52,639 Told you so. 147 00:13:52,640 --> 00:13:54,800 Oh, man, that's great, Bun, Bun. 148 00:13:55,100 --> 00:13:58,600 Heather, it's been nice having you on the show. Both of you. Well, thank you, 149 00:13:58,600 --> 00:14:01,520 Clifford. We enjoyed it. Say goodnight, Heather. Goodnight, Heather. 150 00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:06,540 Well, she locked herself in the bedroom and she won't come out, Johnny. 151 00:15:06,880 --> 00:15:07,880 What? 152 00:15:08,760 --> 00:15:10,740 No, no, it's not Johnny. It's... 10943

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