Original subtitles

Hello? Anybody here?

Guys?

Kermit?

Clifford? Oh, man, it's Heather Locklear. That's her voice. That's her.

Hello? Oh, no.

What do you think she's going to do to us, Johnny?

I'll tell you what she's going to do. She's going to blackmail all of us.

And she'll start love triangles.

Worse, she'll frame us for murder and we'll all go to the electric chair.

Be quiet. If you can see her, throw the keyhole. Me?

Some of the other guys are a little scared of you because, well... Because

all the bad things I do on Melrose Place?

Yeah.

Guys, that is just a show.

In real life, I am a perfectly normal, nice, decent person.

Really? Yes. I couldn't hurt a flea. Really?

Yes. Really?

Yes. Really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really? Really?

The show that has people all over the country saying, get that thing out of

now.

Yay!

Many do.

Our special guest star tonight is Heather Locklear.

Yeah, give it up. But to start things off, let's take a trip to everybody's

favorite hangout where the job is hot as lava and the mocha is no joker. The

local coffee emporium.

Say,

fella, what is it with everybody?

Why do they drink so much darn coffee?

Hey, Teresa, like this cat wants to know why we drink so much coffee.

Coffee! Coffee!

Coffee!

Way down among Brazilians, coffee beans grow by the billions, so

they've got to find those extra...

What, no tea?

Or tomato juice?

You'll see.

No potato juice. Really? Cause the planters down in San Jose say no, no,

You can't get cherry soda cause they've gotta sell their quota. And the way

things are, I guess they never will.

Should have ordered a decaf.

Good, good, good, good.

Yeah, nice work, dancers.

Very good, very good.

Nice work.

Nice work, Steve.

Oh, thanks, Nigel.

Oh, there's my body. Oh, over here, fella.

Oh, look at him. Poor guy doesn't have a clue.

To your left.

No, no, to your right.

Headless body walking around. Can I get a little help?

Can somebody please help Steve get his body?

You know,

when Heather Locklear agreed to do our show, she wanted to do something

intelligent and sophisticated.

And this is what we came up with.

Muppets Tonight presents the hearty big boys in the mystery of the zombie queen

of the Amazon outer space jungle bee woman case.

Based on a novel by Jane Austen. Oh, who wrote this?

We did.

Here we are, Andy and Randy Hardy pig boys. Us.

Junior space boy pig detectives marooned on a strange planet. Yes, because we

are here to solve a mystery.

How are you? Oh, not bad. How are you?

We don't get it.

Clifford, Clifford, you can't make me go out there. Oh, please, Heather. These

pigs wrote this for you. Look at those little pork rinds. They're knocking

themselves out.

So you say they studied with Lee Stroth's pork?

Eight long years.

All right, I'll do it.

But I'm keeping the costume.

Fine with me.

brings you before Queen Hawaii.

Hawaii?

Not bad. How are you?

We still don't get it.

But I thought you wrote it.

Yeah, but we based it on one of those Jane Austen things. Yeah, you know those

things that have the hard cardboard on the outside and the soft, flat stuff on

the inside?

You mean a book?

No, pizza.

Your script is based on a Jane Austen pizza?

It is?

Yo, yo, Zippity, hey, listen, if Evan Lockley is looking for me, tell him I'm

a Neil Diamond concert.

Oh, that's cold.

No.

No. No.

What were you thinking when you wrote this?

Nothing. Well, here's five pages with nothing but doodles.

No.

Oh, well, this is funny. Let's start right here.

Oh, yeah, okay, okay. Okay, okay, okay.

All right.

Party, pig boy.

Prepare to meet your fate.

I will sacrifice you to the most horrible and terrifying monster of them

Frogzilla!

Gee,

this is fun.

I never get to play the bad guy.

QA station Zebra. I don't want you.

get to the problem at hand we are going to use hypnosis to integrate the good

and evil sides of

Right, here it is.

You two make a pretty good living here, tampering with snacks.

Well,

you either cut me in on the action or I will shut you down so fast you won't

know what hit you.

Quick, Vicki, go back to the knife, Heather.

You know who doesn't get enough credit?

The Osmonds.

Ellen, don't you just love the way babies' heads smell?

If you could bottle it, you could make a mint.

Good. Now we can begin the final process of integrating your personalities.

Heather Locklear, you're wanted on stage.

Heather Locklear on stage for the final number.

We couldn't afford a PA system.

Well, that's all right. You're special in your own wonderful way.

Heather, you can't leave. You're still hypnotized.

Oh, this is most irregular.

Right you are, Heather, for you see, I was strolling through the park one day

in the very merry month of May.

I was bathed in my surprise by a pair of flirty eyes while strolling through the

park one day.

What are you looking at, green boy?

What?

Ooh. These modern dance routines are getting nuttier every day. I don't think

that's part of the routine. I better go and check on Bustin' and Beacon. All

right.

When she winked those big boobs at me, it was

very, very plain to see.

That our love would surely grow like a river it would flow.

And she'd be mine eternally.

We're going to hear from people.

Bun, Bun, do what you got to do.

Well, Clifford, I'm afraid this case calls for the trout -a -noggin

What's the trout -a -noggin technique?

Well, Beaky takes a trout and whacks her on the noggin.

Wow.

I feel completely normal again.

As if my personality had been integrated by a fish.

Told you so.

Oh, man, that's great, Bun, Bun.

Heather, it's been nice having you on the show. Both of you. Well, thank you,

Clifford. We enjoyed it. Say goodnight, Heather. Goodnight, Heather.

Well, she locked herself in the bedroom and she won't come out, Johnny.

What?

No, no, it's not Johnny. It's...