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Here comes the Muppets. Here comes the Muppets. Here comes the Muppets tonight.

Okay, everyone, listen up. The artist is on his way up the elevator.

In the elevator. Definitely in the elevator.

This is great, guys. Let's give him a big Muppets tonight. Welcome. Okay, we

five seconds. Five seconds. Definitely five seconds.

Rizzo, who is that guy?

That, oh, that's the Purple Rain Man.

He's a big fan. Big fan. Definitely a big fan. I'm an excellent fan.

Hit it, Riz.

We get delirious whenever you're near.

Blue Law's government role just gets near.

Hey, wait, wait, wait. Fellas, fellas, what are y 'all doing?

We're doing delirious, man.

I mean, we're your biggest fans. We got the whole show set up for an all -out.

It is.

Yeah. That's wonderful, but I ain't into this leather and lace look much

anymore. Oh, good. Because this bustier is killing me.

I'm normal, just like the next guy.

Ooh.

Definitely normal. Definitely normal.

Sorry, guys. Hope I didn't disappoint you. No, no, man. That's cool.

On this show, you can do whatever you want. Yeah. Really.

Show the man to his dressing room. Oh, sure, bud.

By the way, Gonzo. Yeah.

You are definitely working these pumps and fishnets. Oh, thank you.

Right this way.

Boy, I wish I'd known he'd change his look before I ruined this expensive pair

of leather pants.

Unbelievable.

What?

Okay, okay. Five, four, three, two.

Hey, what's up, what's up?

Yeah, welcome to Muppets Tonight. Our guest tonight is one of my favorite...

favorite stars, a multi -talented musician, an incredible performer, and

most unusual name in show business, right here.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, how many of these drawings of my mother are out

there?

Well, to start off our show, here's the saw bone of Dog Bones, our very own

Dr. Phil Van Nutter with Tales from the Vet.

And now it's time for another episode of Tales from the Vet.

Hey, I heard you.

There, too, didn't I?

Yes, always.

I'm Dr.

Phil.

You're... You're... Excuse me one moment. Malt, malt, malt, malt.

Malt. Malt. Malt's camera's upside down.

What? Well, then that must mean that...

You've managed to put another hairline fracture in my cranium.

Oh, yeah? Well, just for that mulch, our carnival cruise is canceled.

And that Three Stooges convention is looking mighty iffy.

Anyway, anyway, where was I? Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes!

Tonight, my numbing feature is Stephen King's townhouse of wax.

By the way, look for Leona Helmsley in a pithy cameo at the Guina, the painting

that would not die.

Ow, ow, ow, my head. Oh, I have to go to the nurse.

Mulch, roll the film.

Ow, ow, ow.

This is a photograph of my kitty.

Can I have everyone's attention, please?

Can I have everyone's attention?

All right, here's to the completion of another great...

Oh, oh, whoops, whoops, whoops.

And, um, and I just wanted to say.

All right, I'll say it. You're the best crew I've ever had.

We're the only crew you ever had.

Oh, get it out, Ed. Get it out. By the way, everyone, go easy on this eggnog.

Pika went and pulled it out.

Pika went and pulled it out. Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold

it, hold it, hold it. Hold it!

That's better.

Okay. Oh!

God dang.

Now, what was I?

I forgot what I was going to say.

They never let me play in the little league, Ghostie. And I didn't sell

chocolate at Christmas time.

Munch! Munch, get that camera out of my face!

I have a platinum card, a platinum card, a platinum card. I

have a platinum card and you all...

My mouse, when did you get a video camera?

Sorry, take me, take me, take me. Do -do, do -do, do -do. A .P.

Naughty, A .P. Naughty. Her name is Naughty.

She was a showgirl.

There you are, Mulchy. Come on, Mulchy. Come here. Come here. Give me a big hug.

Ow. Oh. Oh.

Well,

I'm back from the nurse's station.

How about that townhouse of Wes?

Pretty spine -chilling stuff, eh?

What?

You played what? You played Christmas Party 93?

Eggie noggy, eggie noggy. I have no idea what you're talking about. I wasn't

even at the Christmas party in 93.

No,

I was not.

Oh, all right, all right. I was young. It was the eggnog decade.

I was just trying to fit in.

Give me that videotape.

Give me that videotape right now.

Come back here and give me that videotape right now.

So?

Mm -hmm.

You're supposed to be pressing my pants. What are you doing over here? I'm

studying, Johnny.

Studying? Mm -hmm. Since when do you need a book to be a pants ironer?

No, no, no. This is a correspondence course. I'm learning to be an osteopath.

You know, a bone doctor.

Well, that's great, Sal.

But first of all, a bone doctor's called a boneyologist.

Second of all, you know I support you and all your...

Intellectual pursuits, but call me old -fashioned. I need my pants to perform

stage. All right, Johnny. Thank you. Please.

Hey, but Johnny, first, let me adjust your back for you. I don't think so.

yeah, no, don't worry. Just relax. Just relax. It won't hurt. Just take a deep

breath. No. Hey, Johnny. Huh? How's your mind?

Oh, mine's good. I just thought... Oh!

Hey! Oh, yeah. There it is.

Oh, yeah.

Oh. Yes.

There you go.

Oh. Hey.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Hey, that feels pretty good, Sal.

Really? Yeah.

Hey, I think I'll go lay down for a while. Okay.

Hey, Johnny. Yeah. The couch is over there.

Oh, when did you rearrange the furniture?

Oh, there you go.

There it is.

Oh, boy.

Hey, everybody.

Here's some trivia.

Before... Eh. ...was known as... Eh.

...he was known as Prince. But before... Eh. ...was known as Prince, he was

unknown. And like so many other unknowns, made his first TV appearance

on a show we called Muppet Hoo -Ha.

Let's watch, shall we?

Hey, Riz Bob. Hey, Bo Bob.

Do you know why bees go buh?

Why, Bo Bob, why?

Because it's easier than going... Say,

boy, what'd you learn in school today?

Pi are squared.

Cornbread is square.

Pie are round.

And fences are painful.

Oh.

Hey, Jed.

Yes, Ned.

You got the ugliest dog I ever did see.

What do you call it? Well, before we paint him brown and glue deers on him,

call him alligator.

Aha.

seed band with a little pickin' and grinnin' for y 'all.

Climbin' up the mountain so natural as can be, I can see bear tracks pumpin'

after me.

Excuse me, y 'all.

Excuse me, excuse me. That there song refers to bear tracks, right?

Yes. Why?

Well, them ain't no bear tracks.

They ain't? Nuh -uh.

Them's gator tracks.

My neck.

Yo,

Karen, what's wrong with your neck?

Oh, it's actually an old Muppet hoo -ha injury.

Ever since that sketch, I seem to have a stiff neck.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, did I hear you got a stiff neck?

Yeah, I can cure that.

You know, I am trained in the fine art of osteopathy.

Since when?

Since I got this book.

Well, Sal, what happened to the book?

Oh, I broke its spine.

Anyway, let me show you the way that this works. Wait a second, Sal. No, no,

just relax and take a deep breath. Sal, this really isn't necessary. No, no, no,

no, no, no. Think of butterflies.

Butterflies? Yeah, yeah, butterflies, Kermit. Flying around.

Can you see them?

Well, yeah, I can.

Yeah, yeah, what color are they?

Oh, well, they're sort of orange and black.

There you go.

Oh, man, Sal. What happened? What did you do to Kerm? What do you mean? I made

him feel better. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm just going to go study the

chapter on pop -up pelvises.

Kerm, you okay, Kerm?

You know what, Clifford? The truth is my neck actually feels better.

I told you.

Time for Carl, the big, mean bubble guy.

Hi, I'm Carl, and bubbles come out of my head.

Hey, hey, hey, that's my act.

Not anymore.

What?

that remote oh oh it's big oh hey careful

excuse me do you mind me asking what you're writing there i

mean uh i'm writing ideas for songs really that's cool yeah well

where do you get ideas for songs i can get them anywhere even here here right

here in the commissary You must mean songs about food. You know, songs like,

want to hold your ham.

Another one bites the crust.

That one kills me.

Not if I kill you first.

I'm serious, guys.

What? Yo, Seymour. Hmm? What's on the menu? Well, we've got swordfish, eggs,

coffee. Just pancakes, maple syrup, and jam.

Yeah? I could write a song about that. Get out of here.

No, really, I can't.

I just need a better thing.

It was 745, we were all in line to teach Miss Kathleen.

First was Kevin, then came Lucy, 39 was me.

All of us were ordinary compared to Cynthia Rose.

She always stood in back of the line, a smile beneath her nose.

Her favorite number was 20, and every single day, if you had what you had for

breakfast. This is what we say.

Starfish and coffee.

Maple syrup and jam.

But I've got clouds on the tangerine. Inside all of us have.

If you set your mind free, baby, maybe you'll understand.

Starfish and coffee.

Maple syrup and jam.

And it's singing.

All together now.

Oh, okay.

And they're singing.

Oh, okay.

Lydia wore the prettiest dress with different colored socks.

Sometimes I wonder if the mates were in her lunchbox.

Me and Lucy opened it up when Cynthia wasn't around.

All together now.

You made a song from the breakfast menu, but I'll bet you five bucks you can't

do it again.

I'll take that bet. Yo, Seymour. Yeah?

What's for dessert?

Raspberry sorbet.

Raspberry sorbet. Oh, no.

How can you find in a second -hand store?

All right, all right. Here's your five bucks.

Got you.

Yeah. There you go, Gonzo. Good as new. I didn't even have to skip no pages,

neither. Oh, man.

Well, you are good.

Thank you. But I think you forgot my left foot there.

What? Oh, sorry.

Could you just get that? Okay. Just a tweak. All right. Just relax. Just do

something nice. Yeah, think of a hen farm at hatching time.

Oh, yeah. Okay, you got it? Yeah, you thinking about it? Yeah.

Sal, that's the best 50 cents I ever spent. There you go. I've got to catch

bus. Could you give me a little nudge? Oh, yeah, sure.

There you go. Thank you so much.

I'll see you next week, Sal. Okay.

So long, buddy. All righty.

Okay.

Hey, Sal.

What's going on? You still haven't ironed these pants.

Oh, sorry, Johnny. You know what?

I've had it up to here, Sal.

Oh. That would be your clavicle, Johnny.

I don't care what it is. You're becoming a pain in the... Thoracic vertebrae?

All right, all right. Look, that's it.

No, no, no, Johnny.

This is it. Right back here. Hey, hey, hey. What?

All right, look.

Listen to me.

You're a gentleman's monkey.

Uh -huh. And your job is to fulfill my needs.

And right now, I need to get my pants ironed.

You're right, Johnny.

I'm sorry.

I guess I was just trying to be something I'm not.

Yeah, well, that's right.

You're not a bonyologist.

You're a pants ironer.

That's right, Johnny.

Not necessarily a pants... Pants ironer.

Right, Johnny.

I'm a pants ironer.

That's right. That's right. All right, pal.

All right. Iron it up, pal. All right, I'll get right on it.

Pants, pants. Okay, all right.

Iron, iron, iron.

Oh.

Yeah? Special delivery for Thelma Nilla.

Oh! Oh, thank you. You're welcome.

Oh, oh, thank you very much. Thank you. You're welcome.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. It's my pop -up book of acupuncture and

needlepoint.

Hey, my headache is gone.

But my chin is killing me.

Hey! Hey, hold it there, buddy.

Nice to meet you. I'm Gary Coenga.

Nice to meet you.

Listen, I just wanted to say that I've heard a lot of great things about you.

And even though I don't know who you are, I agree with all of it. You never

heard of me?

What, you've been living in a box for 40 years or something?

That's rich.

But seriously, it's been more like 41 years.

I was just wondering, would you ever consider working with a dummy?

I already have.

But in my business, they're called executives.

Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. Hey, we got a great idea for the final number. Listen,

we go to a football stadium with 5 ,000 white rats. Yes, yes, but get their dyed

purple. Hey, how you doing?

Nice to meet you. Who form a living, dancing version of your symbol on the 50

-yard line. Yeah, what do you think? Wait a minute, guys. My name has a very

spiritual meaning to me.

All right, all right. So what do you want to do then?

I just want to go out on the stage, sit at the piano, do a nice little simple

number with the help of a few angels.

Angels? Now, where are we going to get angels this time of night?

Don't worry. I got my own.

What? Now,

there's a man who comes prepared.

I'll say.

Hey, we're still getting paid, right? Oh, pipe down, people.

Put your lips at the angel.

There's angels?

To a tale of sheer delight.

A song of adulation, love and fear.

No one loved him better. No one better sacrificed.

She gave her angels that summer night.

She gave her angels that night in June.

Watch over him till she returns.

A man, a lover, her son, her father, all these

things he meant to her.

She felt it right.

She gave her angels that summer night.

She gave her angels that summer night.

That was lovely.

Yeah, man, that was beautiful.

Thanks, fellas.

Yeah, you made me feel all warm and gooey inside.

Like a nice brie. Say, are you hungry?

Yeah, yeah.

Can we do another sweet, tender song like that?

I got a better idea.

What? Let's go crazy.

Good night, y 'all. Come on, baby. Good night.

Good night.

Baby!

Mud on that little monkey's been at this time. He ruined my slacks over here.

Phenomenal. What now?

Sorry. All right, Bobo, this is the last one. You ready?

There we go.

Feeling any better there yet?

Well, I don't feel as itchy.

Good. That means it's working.

No, I think it means you skewered a few fleas.

How long until you, you know, take these things out?

Take what out?

The needles.

I don't know. That book doesn't come until next week.

Sal. What?

Sal, I... What, what?

Hey,

take it easy. This is my first day.

Come here, you little bonyologist.

I'll show you.

I'll show you.

Come here.

And even though I don't know who you are, I agree with all of it.

Can you speed that up in the edit?

Go, go, go, go.

Watch your back.

Nothing like that will ever happen again.

I couldn't do it.

It's a new dance.

Unbelievable. What?

How about Bavarian pretzels?

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