All language subtitles for Muppets Tonight s01e09 Whoopi Goldberg

Hey there, Stan.

Hey, Kermit. Oh, hey, Clifford. How's it
going? Hey, Kerm, my main frog.

Man, things couldn't be better. We got
Whoopi Goldberg guest starring. We got

Miss Piggy coming in to do the closing
number with her, and it's going to be a

great show. One of the best. What could
possibly go wrong?

Oh, man, you had to say that.

Whoop, whoop, here it comes. Hey,
Clifford, you got a phone call.

Whoop, there it is. It's Miss Piggy.

Oh, man, I knew it. Oh, I'm sure it's
nothing, Clifford. I got to hop. Bye

Hey, Joe.

Yeah,

Piggy, what's up? Hello, Cliffy.

I'm on a plane.

I'm returning from a mall opening at the
South Pole.

Say what?

Oh, don't worry.

I'll be there sooner or later.

What do you mean, sooner or later? You
got to be here for the closing number.

Oh, Cliffy, just throw some bars. out
animals on stage until I'm there. You

know, some of that chicken schtick.

I'm just running a bit late.

But you can't be late for the closing
number, Piggy. After the closing number,

the show's over. That's why they call it
the closing number.

Details, details.

All right, Piggy, if you want to be
there on time, have a limo waiting at

airport. A limo?

Please deposit $650 for the next three
minutes.

Reverse the charges.

Little souls are lost without me.

Let's see, how do I get this seat down?

It's Muppets Tonight with our very
special guest star, Whoopi Goldberg.

Whoopi! If you're a human being, take

a break from the race. Take a load off
your feet, watch the look off your face.

Got a lot to do, and we do it for you.

Everybody take your place.

We got him.

Let's say hi to the band, shall we?

Hi, band.

Yeah, hi.

Oh, look at that. They're in a chatty
mood.

Anywho, tonight we're going to break
some new ground.

Okay.

So, let's welcome this week's guest,
shall we?

She's an Academy Award -winning actress
and comedian extraordinaire, Miss Whoop.

Listen, it's great to have you here.
It's good to be here, Clifford. You

you and I have something in common.
What's that?

We both collect antiques. Ah.

There, a match set.

You know, there's something else we both
have in common, Clifford. We're both

huge fans of Miss Piggy's. No, that's
something you and Miss Piggy have in

common. Oh, Clifford, one more small
fact you may not know. Word. Piggy and

appeared on television once before,
before we were famous.

Get out of here. No, for real.

I brought a clip.

Let's watch, shall we? Do we have to?

Yes.

Welcome to People's Court. I'm your
host, Bug Llewellyn.

Today we present the case of the
Pointless Pigtail. And now here comes

plaintiff, Miss Goldie Woodburn.

Now here comes our defendant, Miss
Piggy.

I hope you both lose.

All rise.

The Honorable Judge Wapner presiding.

You may be seated.

Thank you, Rusty.

I know you've been sworn. I have read
your complaint.

As far as I'm concerned, you're both a
little nutty.

But at any rate, Miss Wapner, let me
hear from you first, please. Well,

I'm a young, struggling actress, and my
hair is very important to my livelihood.

And I was... Just take it, please.

Oh, yeah, well, like, I was the only one
falling asleep from boredom.

May I continue?

Please.

I went to this person who describes
herself as a hairdresser, and I asked

one pigtail, Judge.

One pigtail. And look at what she did to
me. Look, lady, my profit comes from

volume. I can't... just do one big deal?
Well, you should have said that,

because I don't like what you did to my
hair. Look what you did to it.

Quiet, quiet, quiet.

I'll hold you both in contempt.

Attica, Attica, Attica, Attica.

All right, I've heard enough evidence.

Now I'm going to render a decision.

Now, Miss Woodburg, I think she did a
pretty good job.

See? You really think so?

Yes, I wouldn't be surprised if a famous
director contacted you. You mean like

Steven Spielberg? Exactly.

I bet I could play like a psychic who
talked to the ghost of... Young Pat

Swayze. Pat Swayze? Yeah, he's cute.

You'll probably win an Oscar.

You could host the Oscars, too.

I like that.

All right, all right, fine. I'll play
along.

How about this?

I'm going to be a glamour star of stage,
screen, television, and movies.

30 days for aggravated arrogance.

Next page.

Thanks, Piggy. You know, maybe someday
we can work together. You know, maybe do

a big musical number of some sort. Why?
Get your hands off me, Dusty. And

now another episode from the files of
Fairyland B .D.

Tonight, Goldie Lockup.

Yo, T.

Huh? What you got for us? Some broad
named Lox.

Goldie Lox. She's barricaded in the
Three Bears house, and she's got

What kind of demands?

Well, they keep changing.

One time, the porridge is too hot. Then
it's too cold.

Then the bed's too hard. The bed's too
soft. You know how it is with dames.

Typical.

We'll take care of this, Chief. Oh,
good, because I want to get over to

World before they run out of those cream
-filled Betty cakes.

Come on!

Lay down.

Yeah. Take it easy, Al.

No, thanks.

Let's go through the window. All right.

Ready? Yeah.

Okay. Come out with your hands up, lady.

Oh, boy.

Boy, this is going to be tougher than we
thought.

Yeah. I think this calls for a little
undercover work.

Yeah.

Oh, no, Bobo. She'll never fall for that
cheap disguise.

Oh, we'll see.

Yoo -hoo, Miss Lox.

Say, uh, you're not the bear that was
here before.

You're a completely different bear.

That's right.

I'll be right back.

I told you, I told you, you, I told you,
you said it.

Oh, Yoo -hoo, a completely different
bear.

Yeah?

I told you, I told you, I told you.

Well, there's no way we're going to get
her out of there. Hey, look what I got,

guys.

Cream -filled Betty Cakes? Uh -huh. Hey,
uh, did someone say Betty Cakes?

Hey, you're under arrest.

Yeah, yeah, shut up and give me a Betty
Cake.

All right, uh, get ready to cue Carl the
Big Mean, uh, uh, uh, what is it, what

is it tonight? Oh, it's a ventriloquist.

Oh, that's right. Cue Carl the Big Mean
Vendriloquist. Cue him now. Go, go.

And now it's time for Carl the Big Mean
Vendriloquist.

Oh, hi. I'm Carl.

Okay, okay. So, dummy, what's a Grecian
urn?

I ain't answering your stupid question.

I said, what's a Grecian urn?

And I said, I ain't talking, see?

Oh, yeah?

Well, then I'm going to bite your head
off.

Shoot the scenery, man.

Yo, yo, yo, Rizzo, what's the 411 on
Miss Piggy?

Uh, well, actually, it's more like a
911.

What do you mean?

Well, you see, there's only two guys I
could spare to pick Piggy up at the

airport. Oh, no, Rizzo, you didn't sin.
I did sin.

Please don't bite my head off.

You're it! You're it!

You're it!

Stop it!

Hey, that was fun, Aunt Piggy.

Yeah, let's do it again.

All right, now, boys, why don't we all
just... At the back, okay? And watch the

show until we get to the studio. Here.

Yeah.

Okay? Now, just relax.

Okay, I'm relaxed. Me too.

You're it!

You're it! You're it!

You're it!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Brothers and sisters, lend an ear to the
righteous sounds of Whoopi Goldberg and

the Reggae Rodents. Ma. Excuse me. What
kind of an accent was that supposed to

be? Jamaican.

Yeah, Jamaican a fool of yourself.

Yo, Riz, come here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.

What? What was that supposed to be?

That's reggae. Look, reggae has got to
have a little attitude to it. Well, we

got attitude.

Yeah, you want to make something out of
it? That kind of attitude?

You got to slow down.

You got to find your groove and take
your time.

Ah, slow down.

You got it now?

Yeah. All right, let's hear it.

That's good.

All right, now let's take it from the
top, okay? Yeah.

And two, three, a one, two, three, four.

Oh,

Riz, Riz, Whoopi's going to kill us if
Miss Piggy's not back here for the

musical number.

Well, Clifford, the way I see it, we got
two choices.

One, we could panic like this.

What's our other choice?

Well, I got a whole bunch of people
waiting to impersonate Miss Piggy in the

final number.

Impersonate us, huh? Well, bring them
in.

All right.

First on the list, we got Bill the
Bubble Guy.

Hi, I'm Miss Piggy.

Bubbles come out of moi's head.

I don't usually do this, but I'd like to
sing a little song I call Moi's Way.

Frankie?

Hey, you crazy kooky chick.

You... All right, hold it.

Sal, this is the stupidest idea you have
ever had. I am not playing a pig.

Johnny Fiamma's leaving the building
doesn't like my stupid idea.

He ain't playing no pig.

I'm Piggy. I'm Piggy. We're two of a
kind. I'm a little bit piggy.

And I've got a pig behind.

See what he did? He said pig behind
instead of big behind. Yes.

Oh, man, this is pathetic.

Knock, knock, Miss Piggy. Who's there,
Miss Piggy? Miss Piggy. Miss Piggy who?

Okay, we haven't got this part yet,
okay, but we're working on it. Yeah,

So, Rizzo, when do you think we're going
to know if we've got the job?

Never. You will never know that.

Max! What are you trying to say, okay? I
said next. Yes, but what are you trying

to say? I'm not going to say it again.
What is your point, okay?

Pepe, don't let him talk to you this
way, okay?

Man, what did you do to me? Come here,
you rat!

This is the last time I'm going to tell
you.

Sing the song slowly.

You got me?

Oh, you mean like this?

Possible! You rat!

Gee whiz! What's wrong with Goldilocks?

Yeah, she's so upset.

She's got to slow down, find the groove,
take her time.

Yeah, maybe somebody should tell her
everything's going to be all right.

She's killing them out there. My baby.

We may not even need Miss Piggy for the
final number. I just hope Miss Piggy

doesn't figure that out.

Oh, Whoopi's doing great.

She's killing out there. They may not
even need me for the final number. Oh, I

just hope Clifford doesn't figure that
out. Hey, hey, the studio's only three

blocks from the airport. What's taking
so long?

Well, we took a shortcut.

Hey, hey, hey.

We're in the desert.

Don't tell me we're lost.

Okay, we won't tell you. Yeah.

You're lost.

And you might be lunch.

Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.

Welcome back to Muppets Tonight. And now
for a special treat, here's Giganticus,

the world's largest performance artist
singing.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Bad news,
Clifford, bad news. What's that?

Giganticus just got beaten up by Super
Giganticus. Well, what about his suit?

paid a fortune for that. Oh, don't
worry. Kermit's going to fill in for

This I gotta see.

You may find yourself living in a
shotgun shack.

And you may find yourself in another
part of the world.

And you may find yourself behind the
wheel of a large automobile.

And you may find yourself... In a
beautiful house.

With a beautiful wife.

And you may ask yourself, well, how did
I get here?

Letting the days go by.

Letting the water hold me down. Letting
the days go by.

Water flowing underground.

End of the blue again.

After the money's gone.

Once in a lifetime.

Water flowing underground.

And you may ask yourself, how do I work
this?

You may ask yourself, where is that
large automobile?

And you may tell yourself, this is not
my beautiful house.

And you may tell yourself, this is not
my beautiful life.

Letting the days go by, let the water
hold me down. Letting the days go by,

water flowing underground.

Into the blue again, after the money's
gone.

Once in a lifetime, water flowing
underground. Same as it ever was.

Same as it ever was.

Same as it ever was.

Same as it ever was.

Same as it ever was. Same as it ever
was. Yeah.

Terrible.

Nice job, Kermit. Thank you. Nice job,
Kermit. Thank you. Nice job, Kermit.

Thank you.

Man, that was weird.

Oh, bad news, Chief. Miss Piggy is still
not here. Oh, man, what are we going to

do?

Oh, I don't know, and I can't
concentrate with all those people

Whoopi.

Hey, hey, that gives me an idea.

Yeah, yeah, I think I'm with you. Yeah,
let's put on Bill the Bubble Guy.

They'll love that.

Say what?

Hey, hey, guys, I was checking out my
car, and I found a little something. I

thought I might go out on stage and, you
know, just warm up the crowd till Miss

Piggy gets here. Oh, that's a great
idea, Whoopi. Yeah, but be careful.

a tough bunch out there. Oh, I'll take
my chances.

Wish me luck, guys. Good luck.

Thanks.

Now, there goes a brave woman.

Hi, I'm Whoopi Goldberg, and ladies and
gentlemen, it's time to dish music.

You know my favorite group are the
platters and the spinners.

Man, she is good.

They love her. Yeah, and the material is
so fresh. Yeah.

How am I doing, guys? You're doing
great. Yeah, yeah. This is new.

Just wait till you see this.

You know, people say they don't
understand my act.

But to me, it's crystal clear.

My mom always said men don't make passes
at girls who play glasses.

I learned this song from Philip Glass.

Get it?

Philip Glass?

Hey, what was that last line?

Fill up glass.

Well, she is a genius. Look what she's
doing now.

Look, I'm running rings around myself.

Rings around herself. She's

brilliant. Oh, come on, Father. You're
funny, too.

Really? Oh, I hope she does karaoke
next. That stuff just kills me. Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, I will now do
something never before performed by any

human being.

I will fly.

Excuse me, Whoopi, but you have a phone
call over there. It's Miss Piggy. Oh,

cover me.

But I... Ladies and gentlemen, I will
now do something never

before performed by any rat.

I will fly.

Here you go, Whoop. Oh, thanks.

Yeah, Piggy, what's up?

Whoopie, sweetie, now don't you panic.

You've done the very best job you can to
save this show, but failure is no

shame, dear.

That's sweet of you to say, Miss Piggy,
but, you know, the audience really seems

to like me, so there's really no need
for you to even hurry back.

I'll just do the final number all by
myself.

You what?

What? I'm losing you. I've got to get
back to stage now. I'm flying, you know.

She's gone.

You stole my act.

You can have it back.

So, she's going to do the final number
by herself, huh?

Well, we'll see about that.

It's pedal to the metal time, boys.

And now, Muppets Tonight proudly
presents the moment you've all been

for, tonight's big musical number
featuring none other than Miss Whoopi

Goldberg.

Unducted rendezvous makes the maiden's
heart beat quicker.

But when a rendezvous is through, these
stones still keep

their flicker.

A kiss on the hand might be quite
confidential, but diamonds are a

girl's best friend.

A kiss may be grand, but it won't... pay
the rental on your humble flats.

I have your auto -mat.

Quack, quack.

Men grow old as girls grow old. But we

all... Watch out!

Watch out! Watch out! Don't lose that,
baby.

That's all the girls' best friends.

Yeah, yeah. This is my number, and
there's no way you're taking it from me.

but piggy.

Piggy.

I don't want to take this number away
from you. I wanted to perform with the

world's greatest living female
performer.

Well, if you put it that way.

Yes, try said.

What? I'm just kidding. Come on. Let's
show them what we got.

All right.

Yes. There may come a time when a lass
needs a lawyer.

But diamonds are the girl's best friend.
Let me tell you about it.

There may come a time.

Hard -boiled employer thinks you're
awful nice.

But get that ice, or hell's no dice.

Time rolls on, and you is gone, and you
can't straighten up when you've

been... Help!

Sit back or sit me. You stand straight
at... No,

darling, Harry Winston.

Oh, sorry.

Die!

It's helped me many, many times, and I
owe it all to you.

Of course you do, dear.

Say goodnight. I've got a plane to
catch. Goodnight.

We'll drive you to the airport, Aunt
Piggy.

Oh, no!

A walk!

Good night, everybody.

Good night.

I'm glad

that show's over.

I've been complaining about him for
years.

Nobody does anything about him. That's a
really interesting book you're reading.

The audio version of that book is really
entertaining, too.

I did it myself, on tape, I mean. We
wanted Buddy Hackett to do it, but he

too expensive.

Would you like me to autograph that book
for you?

Shall I make it out to Babe?

There's a wonderful part in that book
for you. Space Captain Pig, I think.

There's a lot of crying, a lot of
screaming.

I'd like to send you a little number
that I call Mars... Not Marsway. No, no,

moi. Moi.

Hey, hey, watch it, watch it. He knows
what he's doing.

Right, Johnny?

You're right, kid.

You people better get your cameras
right.

That's right.

Come on, y 'all, just get out, okay? We
don't have all day.

Who are you talking to? Listen, I'll pay
your check. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

hey.