All language subtitles for Muppets Tonight s01e04 John Goodman

Okay. Well, what now?

Yo, John, are you all ready for the
show? Is there anything else I can get

No, you guys have been great, just with
the doctor order. I tell you, I've been

so busy lately, if I didn't do a nice
relaxing show like this, I'd go crazy.

And it is going to be relaxing, isn't
it, Clifford? You promised me. Oh, yeah,

John. What could possibly go wrong?

Barklers! Let's play with them!

Fellas, fellas, fellas! Get away from
there! You could be electrocuted.

Yeah, you guys could have been killed.

You should thank Mr. Goodman for saving
your little piggy skin.

Thank you, Mr.

Goodman. Yeah, without our skins, we
could never be naked.

That's all right, fellas.

Hey, Clifford, the Igpays are a little
oopin' stay.

He speaks the ancient tongue.

E -way are not earthy way. E -way are
not earthy way.

Welcome to my life.

Come on, John, I'll show you around the
studio.

You know what? What? We must become Mr.
Goodman's personal slaves because he

saved our lives.

Yes, if it wasn't for him, we might have
been elocuted. Like this.

Oh, yes.

Oh, my man.

What was that?

Smells like bacon.

Sure does.

Not me.

Not me.

It's Muppet Tonight with our very
special guest star, John Goodman.

If you're a human being, take a break
from the race.

Take a load off your teeth, wipe the
look off your face. Got a lot to do, and

do it for you.

Everybody take your place.

Muppet Tonight.

We've got a show for you, guaranteed
brand new.

Hick on the Muppet Line.

Yeah!

We've got a show for you, guaranteed
brand new. Hick on the Muppet, Hick on

Muppet, Hick on the Muppet Line.

Here's the host of our show, John
Goodman.

Good evening, good evening, and welcome
to Muppet Tonight, the show that has

families all around the world saying, I
don't get it. Oh, I do. You see, they're

making fun of all of you, and, uh, never
mind.

Any of you.

We're all very excited tonight because
our guest star is Mr.

John Goodman.

to start the show off, here's the
veterinarian of carrion, our very own

Phil Van Neuter.

It's time now for an extra scary edition
of Space Rat.

Hey, you!

Scared you, didn't I?

Yes, always.

I am Dr.

Phil Van Neuter, your friendly
veterinarian. Oh, go away.

Welcome to a special edition of Tales
from the Vat!

Oh, what is that?

Every week, Mulch and I receive
thousands and thousands of letters.

Mulch, Mulch, the fan mail! Oh, there
you are.

Come on, hurry up.

Two letters, that's it?

You mean the rest were for you? You
can't even read!

Anyway, anyway, one of these letters
intrigued me.

And I quote,

Dear Dr.

Phil, we hear you are married to Mulch's
sister, the enchanting and bewitching

Composta Heap. How did you meet, and can
you please tell us in a song,

preferably one by Thomas Dolby? Well, if
memory serves, I believe it went

something like this.

I was a young man studying taxidermy at
Stuff University.

Good old Stuff U.

When I met the beautiful Tom Hooster.

It's poetry in motion.

She turned her tender eyes to me.

As deep as any ocean.

As sweet as any harmony.

She blinded me with science.

Oh, my specimen.

She blinded me with science.

And she fell me in biology.

Oh, yes. When I'm dancing close to her.

Oh,

very good.

So what's on now? Nothing. Nothing.
That's nice.

Nothing? North Africa, 1943.

General Montgomery's desert rats are
trapped behind enemy lines.

What follows is the true story of the
Rat Patrol.

Don't look good, fellas. The enemy
cheese has us surrounded.

What? Yes, sir. No, no, no. I meant
shoot.

No, no, no.

Darn! And if any of you clowns pulls out
a pair of socks, I'll slug you.

Did someone say slug?

Hey,

Sarge, enemy T's approaching.

Don't shoot, don't shoot. I'm Swiss. We
are neutral.

I am going trench to trench, selling
army knives and bank accounts.

You guys want anything?

Hey, hey, hey, go on, get out of here
before I put a few more holes in your

fondue face.

Don't push me with the...

I tell you, I can't wait to get out of
here. Oh, yeah.

Hey, Indiana.

Yeah, what's up, Dodge? What are you
going to do when you get out of here?

I know exactly what I'm going to do.
Yeah, I'm going to cook my girlfriend

and then I'm going to marry me a nice,
juicy steak.

I guess you never did visit that platoon
psychiatrist I recommended.

Yes, I did. He was delicious.

All right, let's just take it easy, real
easy, and I'll get you guys out of here

in one piece.

Incoming!

Everybody okay?

Hey, Sarge, take a look at Indiana.

Don't!

Sarge, you told me you was gonna get me
home in one piece.

I was way off on that one, huh?

But don't worry.

I'll get a message if that girl here is
Jill.

Forget Jill. Get a message to that
steak.

Tell her I... I couldn't think of a
steak joke.

That's it, fellas.

We're going over the top to cream that
cheese.

For Indiana?

No, that's steak.

I'm starved. Starved, I tell you.

Woo -hoo!

Show! All right, work rats.

Okay, repo camera three for Incredible
Discoveries. Get going, get going.

I thought the cheese was a little off.

Mr. Goodman, it's us. We are here to
help you and be your slaves. Yeah.

Oh, no thanks, fellas. I'm beat. I just
want to go back to my dressing room and

do one thing, relax.

Oh, good. Then we can bathe you in
precious oil. Yeah, we have 40 weight

corn.

Okay, I'll play along. If you guys want
to help me, why don't you press my suit?

Oh. Okay.

Press, press, press, press, press.

Yeah.

Press, press, press, press, press. Stop
it.

What do you need? Our help. Yes. You
keep forgetting things. Like this.

Oh, no, you idiot. That's a live
grenade.

A what? A live grenade.

A what? A live grenade. There you go.

I'm, uh, not relaxing.

And now it's time for Gonzo and Rizzo's
Incredible.

Welcome to the show. I am your host, the
great Gonzo, and this is my

assistant... The reluctant Rizzo. Are
you all set, Rizzo?

Well, I'm still not quite exactly sure
what we're going to be doing. Great!

Tonight's first incredible discovery is
if you put your nose into an electric

pencil sharpener... Steady, steady,
steady. Steady there, Rizzo.

It hurts!

Oh, how's that for an incredible
discovery?

But... If you want to see a really
incredible discovery... And I'm not sure

I do.

Watch this. If you put live electric
eels down your pants... It hurts?

No, actually, it feels pretty good.
Yeah, until they short out your pocket

change.

Then it hurts.

Well,

another incredible discovery.

Yeah. And now, for our final incredible
discovery.

You try to play catch with a wrecking
ball.

It hurts.

I've got an incredible discovery.

What's that?

When you watch this show, it hurts.

And now, another episode from the Files
of Fairyland PD.

Tonight, Kurds away.

the lady being harassed by a spider?

Yes. Hello, Miss Muppet. What happened,
ma 'am? Well, I was sitting here

enjoying a lovely bowl of curds and
whey.

Curds and what? No, whey.

Okay, now some spider sat down beside
you and started coming on to you, right?

Yeah. Is there anything you can do about
it? Oh, don't worry, sister.

We'll take care of it.

I wouldn't even feed that stuff to my
cat.

He's coming.

Hey,

how you doing, sweet stuff?

Are you talking to me?

Oh, this is a delicious bowl of curds
and whey you got here.

Mind if I have a taste?

I'm sorry, man.

You're hitting me? I know. Hit the
spider, don't hit you, okay? It won't

again. Just calm your nerves, okay?

Oh,

Miss Muffet. What are you doing here?

I just came back for some curds and
whey.

Oh, here, take it. I don't know how you
can eat that slop.

Thanks. Sure.

I did it again, didn't I?

Whoa, curds and whey come to papa.

Gotcha. No, no, no, fellas, please.
You've got to give me a break.

Yeah,

that's what they all say. No, no, no,
you don't understand.

I've got 3 ,000 kids, and my wife, she's
a black widow. If I don't bring home

dinner, I am dinner.

Gee, spider, we didn't know.

Yeah, hey, you can go. Oh, thanks.

Suckers.

Oh, what a tangled web we leave. Win
first. Hey, shut up.

You know, I get the feeling that you
kind of enjoy the...

Hey, you know, this

scalp massage feels great. You guys are
really helping me relax.

Oh, good. Maybe I misjudged you guys.

Well, we're sorry about blowing you up
and driving your head into the main

lines.

It's okay.

It actually helped me clear my sinuses.

What kind of massage oil are you using?

Oh, I'm not using oil. It's glue.

Glue? Well, yeah. That way you never
have to style your hair again.

What? I have your suit.

Just leave it outside, please.

I can't. They don't allow smoking in the
hall.

Oh, just get out.

Please, I need to relax. I need some
air.

Oh, we'll get you some air. Yeah, we can
do that.

Hey.

Hey.

Randy, we are trapped. We cannot get out
of here.

Oh, John, John, we can't find the get
out thingy.

It's called a door. A door.

And it's right there.

Yo, yo, John, what's going on?

Clifford, you promised me this would be
relaxing. I'm not relaxing. You promised

me this would be fun. I'm not having
fun.

And I'm stuck.

Yeah.

Welcome back to Puppets Tonight.

John Goodman is having a really bad hair
day right now and can't come out. So

we're going to fill some time with a
little blast from the past.

The year was 1969, and everyone was
loony over the moon landing.

That's why we did a little TV pilot with
a young John Goodman called the Lunar

Mooners. Let's watch, shall we?

Allison, I'm home.

Alf, shut the airlock. The atmosphere
isn't free up here, you know.

Don't start with me, Allison.

I had a tough day on the moon bus.

The artificial gravity kept breaking
down.

Gee, Alf, I thought you were big enough
to have your own gravitational pull.

One of these days, Allison.

Bang! Zoom!

Right to the earth!

That would be my first trip since our
honeymoon.

Now, if you don't mind, all I want to do
is take off these moon boots and soak

my aching asteroids.

Fine, fine.

I have to go change.

I'm going to go shopping with Dixie and
Mrs. Munakati. Door.

No.

No, get down here right now.

Hey, sure thing, Alfie.

What are you trying to do? No, don't
give me a heart attack.

Take it easy, Alfie boy. Hey, I just
came down to give you the tickets you

wanted. You know, to the Space Cadets
Ball.

Oh, that's great, Newton. You're the
best pal a guy ever had.

Allison's going to be so surprised.

Hey, sure, Alfie boy. I got him right
here in my vest.

Right here, Aroni.

Just give me the tickets.

Here you go.

Alf, is that Newton?

Oh, why, no, dear. It's the delivery
boy. Yeah, that's it. That's right,

Allison. I am not Newton. I am only a
delivery guy.

Will you get out of here before she sees
you? Do I get a tip? Get out!

Why shouldn't you be getting into your
ball gown, my dear? After all, tonight,

we will be dancing on the sea of
tranquility.

Oh!

Take us to the space!

There's nothing like good comedy.

Nothing like it on this show.

Boy,

this plane is brilliant.

How'd I ever do so bad on my SATs?

Help! Help!

Where are my slaves when I need them?
Uh, Mr. Goodeman, we're coming in the

answering thingy. Yes, we made
pineapple.

Help, boys, help! I was, uh, cleaning my
watch when I slipped out the window.

Oh, pull me back. it and save me. Then
we'll be even, and you won't have to

me anymore.

Oh, no, our master's in trouble.

Let's throw him a life preserver.

Oh, how about this thing that makes our
hands smoke and blister? Yeah. No, you

idiot, stop the radiator.

Hey,

where's John?

Oh, please tell me he's relaxing.

Oh, he is, Clifford. He's relaxing in a
truckload of mousetrap.

And one bear trap.

Ow!

Alfred!

Number one.

Hey there, Nigel. How's it going, huh?

Oh, well, John Goodman just fell out the
window. Clifford is trying to get a

bear trap off his head. The producer's
cat just got away and there's nobody on

stage to introduce Johnny Fiamma. Gee,
sounds like a slow night.

I'll go out and introduce Johnny. Good,
good, good. Go, go, go, go, go.

Line up camera two for a standard
opening at the Archway. Can somebody get

chamomile tea?

And now Muppets Tonight is proud to
present the oh -so -smooth stylings of

Johnny Fiamma. Yay!

Thank you.

You know, friends, with this being the
year of the chick, in my mind, every day

is Valentine's Day.

And tonight, we'd like to do something
special just for you.

Well, now what do you know? A table for
two.

How romantic.

Yes. Waiter.

Waiter. Sal.

Yeah, Johnny. Oh, I mean, customer.

Yes, thank you.

Would you be so kind as to choose a
beautiful young lady from our audience

share a romantical, intimate dinner with
me? I would be honored, waiter. I mean,

Johnny, I mean, customer.

All right, go.

Come on, you're coming on stage.

I'd really rather not. Come on, you'll
have fun.

I don't even like his music. Que bella,
eh?

And what is your name, sweetheart?

Clarissa. May we seat you, Clarissa? No.

Come on back here. Come right over here.
Here's your chair. You're waiting right

here. Isn't this a beautiful place?
There you go.

Yes, yes. Waiter, waiter.

Sal. Sal.

Yes, yes. Come in here.

That's right. Here you go.

Ah, veal. The meat of love.

How romantic.

We'll both have that.

Okay. Ray.

This is for you.

Why do birds suddenly... I don't eat
veal.

Excuse me?

I don't approve of the way they raise
it.

What raise? What are you talking about,
raise?

She's just on the same kick my sister
is.

Come here. You're going to sit right
here, and you're going to eat that veal.

Close to you.

And that is why all the cats in town...
I'm not going to eat veal.

Oh, nice work, Sal.

Hey, Johnny, you know what? We don't
need her. Look, look, how about I sit

and eat this veal and you sing to me?

All right.

Yeah,

close to you.

Yo, Rizzo.

Get another act on pronto.

All right. I'm going to go and check on
John Goodman in the infirmary.

All right, okay. You've got a suggestion
what we can put on stage here, huh? Oh,

Rizzo, Rizzo. I have this amazing memory
act that I do.

Really? I didn't know you did that.

Oh, sure, sure. I did it on that show.

Oh, wait.

What's it called?

You know, with the guy with the green,
what do you call it?

Uh -huh. You know what?

Let's kill Carl, the big mean bagpipe
eater.

bagpipes. Thank you.

Ah, Mr. Goodman, you'll be right as rain
as long as you get some rest and don't

think about those two stupid you -know
-whats.

You mean us?

Wake up, man. You're having a bad dream.

Oh, man.

It was horrible, Clifford.

I dreamt I was doing the show, and I
wound up in traction.

Well, as a matter of fact, you weren't
dreaming.

You are in traction.

And that's why I'm going to go on stage
and cancel your big number. No way,

Clifford. I know I'm not 100%, but I
think I can still do the number.

How are you going to do that?

Like this.

Seems I've got to have a change of
scene.

Every night I have a strange dream.

In prison by the way it could have been.

I just can't waste my time. I must keep
driving.

This is one of the worst experiences
I've ever had.

That's what all our guest stars say. At
least you're consistent.

Good night, everybody.

Good night.

Hit it!

Hey,

Mr. Goodman.

Welcome back to the show. John.

John.

Yeah, it's great to be back on Roseanne.

Those Muppets drove me crazy.

Would someone get me a coffee, please?

We'll get it for you, Master.

Yeah.

We work on this show now.