All language subtitles for Muppets Tonight s01e03 Billy Crystal

Main studio entrance.

Yeah. Okay, have a nice day.

Okay, this is your first day on the job.
Let's go over this one more time, okay?

Yes, yes.

I am the security guard. My job is to
keep unwanted and or suspicious

from entering these premises.

Good, good. Now, how do you know they
can enter? Oh, good one.

I sniff their musk glands, and if the
scent is familiar, I let them in.

you check the list. If their name is not
on the list, you don't let them in.

Comprendo? Comprendo.

If their name is not on the list, I
don't let them in. If their name is not

the list, I don't let them in. Okay,
okay, you got it, you got it, you got

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold it up there, uh,
big fella. What?

Where you think you're going?

I'm going inside, man. I got a show to
do. Uh, sorry, sir, your name is not on

the list.

Oh, come on, I gotta host a show.

Hello?

If your name is not on the list, you
don't get in.

Hello? If my name is not on your
paycheck, you don't get paid.

Have a good day, sir.

It's Muppet Tonight with our very
special guest star, Billy Crystal.

If you're a human being...

Take a break from the race. Take a load
off your feet. Watch the look off your

face. Got a lot to do, and we do it for
you.

Everybody take your place.

Muppet tonight.

We got the number. Tonight, tonight.

We got the number.

We got a show for you.

Guaranteed brand new. Hang on to Muppet
tonight.

Yeah!

Here's the host of our show.

Good evening,

good evening. Welcome to Muppets
Tonight.

The show critics everywhere are calling
Muppets Tonight.

Our guest this evening is a funny man.

yet a humble man, a comedian who hasn't
let stardom go to his head.

Introduce me already.

All right.

Mr. Billy Crystal.

Keep it up.

Billy,

Billy, Billy, yo, yo, yo.

Welcome to Muppets Tonight.

Muppets tonight. Buddy told me I'm doing
American Gladiators. Where's Nitro?

Oh, man, it's the Muppets.

Oh, great. I'm allergic to felts. I
mean, look at me.

I'm all buffed up and no place to go. I
look like the Michelin Man here.

I'm kidding. It's a joke. Did you see
what I did here? I wore this whole thing

for you guys because I love the Muppets.
I'm glad to be here. Well, we love you

too, Billy. Oh, great. You know, I make
a point of going out to see all of your

movies. Oh, good. What's your favorite?
When Harry Met Sally.

Oh, that's a good movie.

Boy, and that Meg Ryan.

She's cute.

Yeah, you ought to know.

Don't go there.

All right, I won't.

You know, it's a funny thing. We had a
very good chemistry together in that

movie, Meg and I.

But the director, Rob Reiner, well, we
weren't really his first. choice at

first. Get out of here. I swear, we both
screen tested with different actors and

actresses. Huh? I brought with me a very
rare screen test of me and an actress

that you know real well. You want to see
it? Yeah.

All right, let's roll the clip.

Uh, Billy, over here.

All right, come on, let's get this now.
I'm right on the edge here. I could go

either way.

All right, and the next one that calls
me Meathead is going to get it.

When Harry met Sally, screen test, take
73.

Action. All righty. Now, I'd also like
to have that with the mayo and onions on

the side and French fries on the side.
It's the end.

You know what, Sally? You are what my
mother would call a good eater.

The only thing you didn't order was a
side of beef.

Oh, oh, oh, that's a good idea. A side
of beef.

There's no more room on the side. Put it
right in the middle so she won't have

to reach.

Don't put new words in your vocabulary,
okay?

I'm full.

No,

I couldn't possibly eat more marble
cake.

Oh, Sally.

It was a disaster. She canceled.

She had a bad cold.

Are you sure she had a cold?

Yes, I'm sure she had a cold. I heard a
sneeze twice.

Oh,

Harry, Harry, Harry, your naivete is
très amuse -moi. Did you ever think she

have faked the sneeze to get out of the
date with you?

Faked the sneeze? Yes, yes. No way.

Listen, Harry, take it from moi. Most
women at one time or another have...

Take it out of a date.

Really? Well, excusez -moi, miss I'm
-jealous -of -babe.

You don't think that I can tell the
difference between a real sneeze and a

sneeze?

have what she's having.

Only less pepper.

There's a lot to be said for this
program.

Too bad you can't say it on a family
show.

Roll three, say five, and go!

Somebody get me a coffee!

All right, boys, boys. Now, I have a
very easy task for you, all right? Oh,

good. That doesn't sound so hard.

No, I thought it was going to be much
worse.

No, no, I haven't explained it yet.

All right, now.

This is a button. Wait, wait, slow down.

Now, this is a button. You press it once
and the house lights will go on. You

press it again and the house lights will
go off. What happens when you press

these two buttons? No, no, no, don't
press that.

Cool. Oh, man,

I love it. Come on, I can't get enough
of it. Come on, come on. Tell me how I

look. Come on, do it again. Billy, come
on. Don't make me do it again, please.

My mom told me that used to be funny.

Okay, all right, last time for your mom,
all right? All right, for my mom.

Cliff, darling, with your crazy cats in
your head, you look malice, okay?

No, no, no, no. Now, how would Muhammad
Ali respond to that?

Oh, Cliff, come on. He's going to do
Ali. He's going to do Ali. Come on, Ali.

Ali. Ali.

Ali. Ali.

Okay, okay.

Everybody's talking about Joe Frazier. I
want to talk about Joe Frazier. I like

your show.

I admire your style. But you pay so
cheap, I ain't going to be back for a

All the time.

Billy, Billy.

What if Sammy Davis Jr.

walked in the room? Do it,

do it. All right, I'll do Sammy, my
little cheddar chomping chum.

I love being in show business, which is
the business of doing a show, especially

with you Muppets, and I mean that. I'm
excited.

See, that's what we want for the closing
number. Closing number?

Well, you know, I've done that so many
times, I'd really like to do something

different. Let me throw something at
you, okay? Watch out, everybody!

He's got a grip!

Fellas, come back. Come back here.

Come here.

Come on now. Come on.

I want to play some jazz.

You know, like a musical number, an old
-fashioned jazz number. I got my own

band coming. Big names are going to be
here in about ten minutes. Sounds good

me. Great. But you know what would be
even better? What's that? If Muhammad

could be the band leader. No, no,
please.

Did somebody call for a doctor?

Hello?

Oh, yes, an excellent choice for
reconstructive surgery.

Melt, you're the musical number.

Yes, excellent choice.

In the jungle, the quiet jungle, the
lion sleeps tonight.

What are you telling me, Sammy?

I'm about to do my first political
commentary program, and two of my

distinguished guests, CNN's Larry King
and our very own Mr. Poodlepants, have

not yet shown up.

So what you're scoping out for is two
happening cats to hang out with you on

your rap show.

I have no idea what you're talking
about. Just get me two guests for my

please, please.

You don't want just anybody.

Yes, yes, I'm desperate. I'll take
anyone.

Well, in that case, I got just the guys
for you. Oh, good.

Mr. Larry King, I bet you have a very
good excuse for standing me up.

Hey, I'm Larry King. I'm a guest on the
Muppet Show tonight.

Buzz me right in.

Uh, I'm sorry, sir. Your name again?

King, Larry King, what are you doing?
You're expecting me inside. I got to get

in. Come on. All righty, all right.
King, Larry King. Larry King.

I got a Larry Keane.

I got a Larry Klimas.

No, King, sir. Sorry. Have a good day,
huh? I don't believe this. Listen, I'm

Larry King. I'm on in 220 countries.

Oh, you tipped your hand there.

I know you're a phony.

What are you talking about? I happen to
know for a fact that there are only 191

countries. Here, let me see.

Now, right here, Larry, look here.

There's one.

I don't believe it. Here's two.

Two, and there's another one. Look,
another one. Three.

Four here.

And now it's time for politics and
punditry from the eagle's nest.

Good day. I am Sam Eagle, and let's talk
politics.

Our distinguished panel today includes
Mr.

Sandy and Randy Pig.

Hey, wait. You are a poof. No, you're a
double poof with a poof on top. I am

not. You are a two. I am not.

Our topic today is taxes.

What is your opinion of the new tax
bill? My name isn't Bill. Yeah, why are

calling him Bill? His name is Randy.

I'm not Randy. I'm Andy.

Good, then I must be Bill.

No, no, no, no, no. A tax bill in the
house.

Why do you want to attack Bill in his
house? Just telling him, Bill. Yeah,

thanks, Bill.

And they say purgatory doesn't exist.

Oh, here I am, here I am. Oh, I'm sorry
I'm late there, Mr. Eagle. You know, the

Twirly Woo Trolley stopped me at
Checkpoint Chuckle because I didn't have

-pack board.

Unfortunately, that explanation is the
most logical thing I've heard in the

five minutes. Mr.

Poodlepan, what is your opinion of
Texas?

Oh, Texas, the Longhorn State. And
speaking of Longhorns, woo -hoo!

Evelyn! Swim to your lights, Bill!

I'm way ahead of you, Bill!

Don't be ridiculous.

We're in a soundstage.

There's not going to be... Oh,

I'll get you for this, Larry King,
wherever you are.

All right, there you go.

172. And there's 173.

And 174. Wait, wait, wait.

St. Kitts and Nevis are two countries.
No, no, no, sir. No, Larry. It's a

constitution. No, no. No, constitutional
monarchy. Single federation.

Let's see. Oh, oh, great.

Great. I lost my place.

Okay. There we go. There's one.

There are two.

You following me, Larry? You with me?

And now, in the tradition of fun smoke
and sappy trails, Muppets Tonight

presents Billy Crystal in City Stickers.

Here we are, three big city comedians on
a cattle drive. You know, this is

exactly what we needed. Just smell that
fresh country air.

Fresh country air? I smell stale dairy
air.

Did you see what I did there, Kermit? I
took what you said, the country air, and

I made a dairy because of the cows and
into a joke.

Ooh,

rough canyon, I'll tell you that right
now.

Hey, quit horsing around.

It's bad when the horses are funnier
than us, huh? Let's sing!

Boy, that ended quick. I must have been
channeling Roy Rogers.

Hey, I think the cows liked it. I don't
know. That cow in the maternity dress

didn't like it.

Oh, no, no. Cows don't wear maternity
dresses. No? They wear momos.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let's make a pact, okay?

The next one who says a pun gets it
right between the eyes, okay? Because

getting steamed.

Hey, Billy, you have to do something.
That cow back there is about to have a

calf. I can't do anything. I ordered a
decaf.

But you got me doing it.

Billy, please, help me.

Oh, no.

All right, I'll do it. I'll deliver the
calf.

And if you don't deliver it in 30
minutes, we get it free.

Stop it!

Hey,

look what I made. I made a...

I made a mistake. That's what I made.

Come on, let's sing, because we have no
ending. Good idea.

No more singing!

Stampede! Oh, no!

That bit was breathtaking.

Careful. You may not have too many...

Get my nitroglycerin!

I'll just have a glass of warm milk.

Sir?

And now, a continuing saga of America's
oldest and fattest family, the Tubmans

of Portsmouth.

Mr. Tubman, sir?

Yes? I have terrible news.

Don't tell me we're out of gooseberries
again.

Carter, how many times do I have to tell
you?

Buy in bulk. If you're not buying in
bulk... No, sir, it's a telegram.

Your great -aunt Polly has died.

Oh, that's awful.

Pat the head cheese, would you, Carter?
You don't understand, sir.

She's left you ten million dollars.

Oh, this is excellent!

But, sir, there's a catch.

What? It says you'll only get the money
if you lose 100 pounds

by noon on Tuesday the 12th.

Good grief, Carter.

Today is Tuesday the 12th. And it's
almost noon.

Quick, quick, the treadmill.

Come on.

I'll help you, sir. Push the table out.
Okay.

No, no, no. Here, grab a hold. Grab a
hold. Okay, sir. Not the neck, sir. Pull

me.

Okay,

Carter. How am I doing?

Not very good, sir.

What? You've only lost six ounces so
far.

Well, then crank it up faster.

Yes, sir.

There you go.

That'll do it. How am I doing?

Well, a little better.

You're up to eight ounces.

At this rate, I'll never get that
inheritance.

All right, turn it up full speed.

But, sir... Do it, man.

Very well, sir.

Okay.

2 ,000 beats per minute. Is that good?

Well, sir, you've actually gained two
pounds.

Oh, this will never do.

Turn this blasted thing off.

Very well, sir.

Oh, it's raining cheesecake.

Sir, another telegram. What? Your Aunt
Polly has recovered.

Well, that's impossible.

She's dead.

But you know how very stubborn she is.

Yes, yes, okay.

Well, so much for the million dollars.

But let's look at the bright side.

Yes, the bright side is I've worked up a
powerful appetite.

Bring on the chicken and dumplings,
Carter.

And don't... Gimp on the gravy like you
did last time.

Very well, sir.

Yes!

Johnny Fiamma coming through. Make way
for Johnny Fiamma.

Okay.

Take care. Bye -bye.

Right back at you, buddy. Bye -bye.

Johnny Fiamma. Coming through. Hold it
up there, J. Fred Muggs. Where do you

think you're going? This is Johnny
Fiamma. He's booked on tonight's show.

out of the way, smoky butt head.

That's one.

Let me take a look at my list here.

Let's see. We got Johnny Depp, Johnny
Ola, Larry King.

Oh, he is on the list.

Hey, come on, come on, come on. You got
Johnny Fiamma waiting over here. He is a

very important performer.

So hurry it up, yogi butt head.

That's two.

Listen to me, Bear.

You let Johnny Fiamma in, or I'm gonna
make a throw rug out of you and put you

in Johnny's bathroom!

You, you, you grizzly... Butthead? Yeah!

And that's three.

Come here, you... Hey, Sal.

I just checked the schedule. I'm not
even on the show tonight, huh?

You better laugh.

Yeah, that's funny, Johnny.

Hey, come on, Sal. Quit fooling around
with your new buddy. Let's get out of

here, huh?

Johnny Fiamma's leaving the building!

Hey, Sal, that is one nutty way to stop
a cab.

All right, ready to cue camera one.

Let's set up for the banks in Bacanova
in three, two, one, cue.

What are you doing? I don't care about
what.

You tell Billy the bad news. No way, you
tell him. No, you tell him. Why should

I? I have to tell him. Because I'm the
man and you're the rat. I've got genetic

seniority. Oh, brother, what bad news?

Soylent Green is people?

Everybody knows that. Come on, tell me,
what's the bad news?

They shot Sonny on the causeway?

The National League adopted the DH?

We're not in Kansas anymore?

What is it? It's about the big all -star
band you put together. Oh, I know. I'm

excited, too. This band is unbelievable.

You tell him. No, you tell him. No, no,
you tell him. No, you tell him, man.

Come on, tell him.

Fellas, fellas, fellas, somebody just
tell me.

They didn't show up. You don't have a
band. No band, no bebop, Billy. Yeah, I

guess we have to cancel the number.
Yeah. Wait a second. Wait, we don't have

cancel the number.

We can still do the number. Wow.

I'll do it with you guys.

Oh, no, I'm not very musical. I can't
even clap.

Oh, you'd be surprised, Rizzo, how much
music you have inside you. And,

Clifford, you got a lot of jazz in you.

Huh. So that's what kept me up all
night.

Yeah, I mean...

We can do this number. See, jazz is a
feeling. It's deep inside you. We can do

this.

First you take some skins.

Jazz begins.

Then you take a bass.

Now we're getting some bass.

Take a rap.

Make them scat.

Rock, rock, rock, rock, rock, roll from
the east to the west.

That's jazz.

Yes. Yes, did you feel that, Clifford? I
felt it all over my mouth. It came out

from inside you. Big time.

Big time. Big time.

All right, all right, all right.

Let's give it up for Mr.

Billy Crystal.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank
you.

I had a great time, Clifford. You see,
we didn't even need the all -star band.

Wait, wait. You know,

I wonder whatever happened. to that
band.

Hmm.

I'm sorry, I don't have anything on the
list for a Billy Crystal band.

No Clinton, no Yeltsin, no Eastwood, no
Reagan.

Please don't flirt with me, Your
Majesty.

Back of the line, young lady.

Bye.