Original subtitles

Yo, Riz, how's everything going with the Garth Brooks show? Oh, it's going

great. We got Garth singing the Thunder Rolls with the Longhorn Cheddar Cheeses.

Hey, sounds good. We got Garth singing Papa Loves Mama with the Barbershop

Cactus Quartet.

Hello. Hello.

Hello.

Woo -hoo.

Sounds good.

Yeah, and then after that we have Garth with... Who are you?

I'm Bill. Bubbles come out of my head, see?

Like it? Wait a second here. You're not on my list.

Oh, yeah. I'm just here looking for work, though.

Come on, Clifford.

Walk in the green room. All right.

Well done, Riz. The network wants Garth Brooks singing all of his hits, and

that's exactly what they're going to get. Yep, Chief. Nothing can go wrong.

Chet, I especially love the song about the low blazers. Yeah? Hey,

Garth Brooks, my man.

How you doing, buddy? Hey, welcome to the show. Thank you, man, and I brought

some good news. I've been thinking.

Oh. And we do Garth Brooks stuff on everybody else's show. But you guys,

you say let's do something different?

Really? Like what?

Mambo!

Well, that's something different.

It's Muppets Tonight with our very special guest star, Garth Brooks.

If you're a human being, take

a break from the race. Take a load off the seat, watch the look off your face.

Got a lot to do, and we do it for you.

Everybody take your place.

Muppets Tonight.

And now, here's the host of our show, Clifford. Hey, what's up, what's up?

evening, and welcome to Muppets Tonight.

The show that has folks all around the world saying... Whatever that

means.

Tonight, our special guest star is Mr.

Garth Brooks.

Give it up, give it up. So without further ado...

Clifford, I think you want more ado.

Ado? Yeah, like a lot more ado, like maybe a double ado.

What are you talking about, Rizzo?

Well, Garth is wearing a puffy shirt, tights, and a cute set of bloomers.

Excuse us, folks.

Bloomers? Yeah, yeah, I mean, they're very tasteful if you like bloomers on

guys.

Hey, what are we going to do? We can't let them go out on stage like that.

you could put on Bill.

I'm ready.

Are you crying? I'm fine, man. I can handle it.

Ladies and gentlemen, as you've never seen them before, Mr.

Garth Brooks.

But thought, what light through yonder window breaks?

It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.

Miss Piggy, it's okay. I just changed a few lines. Don't worry. Yours is right

there on the cue cards, okay?

She speaks.

Oh, all right. I'll play along.

Ha!

Oh, Romero, Romero.

Wherefore art thou Romero?

Well, this doesn't make any sense.

Hey, Miss Piggy. Hi, Mr. Brooks. Look, we are wearing bloomers, too.

Forsooth, who for art thou?

We four are the two gentlemen of Bologna.

More like the two meatheads of Bologna. Hey, have we not feelings? If you prick

us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? Let's see.

Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle. Tickle, tickle, tickle. Oh, cut it out. What?

Sorry.

I believe it's your line, Miss Piggy.

balcony is not safe.

Yeah, if you pull this beam out, the whole thing will fall down. Yeah.

No, no, no, no, don't touch it!

Shakespeare

would have

hated that.

You should know, you dated his sister.

Boy,

was she ugly.

And now it's time. Time for another episode of Tales from the Vet.

Hey, you!

Scared you, didn't I? Yes, always.

I am Dr.

Phil Van Neuter, your... Friendly veterinarian.

Come with me now as I open the secret files to the strangest animal story...

Too busy, eh?

Hmm, let me see. I, Dr.

Phil, write on the show, act on the show, schmooze the network, whereas you,

mulch, look after the secret files. Gee, I wonder who has more to do.

Of course you have a lot on your mind. That's because your brain is the size of

a walnut.

In fact, I had to put another one in your hips just so that you could walk.

While we're waiting here for Mulch, let me remind you that Mulchie and I will be

appearing locally in Under the Yum Yum Tree, a musical romp that the whole

family... Oh, oh, oh, the secret files!

Finally!

Let's see, let's see.

Oh, yes, yes, yes!

Excellent choice!

Tonight's episode is the chilling saga of a turkey named Taylor, a turkey who

loves...

This Thanksgiving thing is really great. I don't know why the other guys in the

pen badmouth it. I mean, they give me a nice shave, and look at all this food.

Yams, pumpkin pie, stuffing, and look, they've given me an aroma therapy bath.

Sage, rosemary, and oregano.

I smell good enough to eat.

Boy, it is getting kind of hot in here, though.

low -witted tailor, product of the public school system. He won't be

any leftovers this year because he is the leftovers!

Ah! So, until next week, the files are closed!

Ha ha!

Oh, yes, yes, all right. So your brain isn't the size of a walnut.

It's more like the size of two walnuts!

Welcome to Swift Wits, the best game show on TV.

I'm your host, Snooki Blyer, and here's our contestant, Miss Agnes Stonewick.

Tell us a little about yourself, dear.

Well, I'm 87 years old, and... That's wonderful, Agnes. Now, today you're

to be playing for Buffy, a cute little beagle who was found whimpering in the

parking lot of Al's TV City.

Oh, he's sweet.

And if you answer correctly, Buffy will receive a lifetime supply of Sniggles

Live Dog Treats. Remember... If it wiggles, it sniggles. And I'm sure Buffy

going to love them. Aren't you, pal?

By the way, on the off chance you don't get the answer, Buffy will be eaten by

Carl the Big Mean Bunny.

Okay, Agnes. Let's tell our home audience the answer.

The answer is rug.

Okay. All right. You've got ten seconds. Here come the clues.

This is a big, large thing that sits in your living room and never moves.

My brother, Norm.

No, no, no. You walk all over it. That's Norm.

No, no. When it gets dirty, you take it out and beat on it.

Definitely Norm.

No! Too bad, Agnes. The answer was rug, dear, rug.

You're kidding me.

Okay, Carl.

Bon appetit. So long, Buffy. Thank you.

Goodbye, everybody.

Thanks for playing.

Hey, Clifford. Clifford, I've got some great news for you. What, they finally

put the chef episodes on Laserdisc?

Uh, no, no. I just talked to Garth, and he promised to go out there and do a

song. Oh, Kerm, that's great. If you weren't a bug -eyed, skinny -legged

I'd give you a big kiss on your knobby little head. And if you weren't a purple

catfish -faced, multicolored mop -top, I'd let you.

Aw, ain't friendship a beautiful thing?

That work is headed this way, and he ain't happy.

Panic, panic, panic. Oh, hey, J .P. Hi, how's it doing? Hey, everybody, you're

doing a great job. Love what you're doing. Oh, hi, Clifford. Listen, I'd

little word with you here. Yeah, what's up? If you don't get Garth Brooks to

sing a country song, I'm going to yank you off the air and give your time slot

to, uh, to him.

Those are my shorts, sir.

Last pair.

And now, the continuing saga of America's oldest and fattest family, the

Tullmans of Forksmith.

Carter, get the door. I'm getting it, sir.

May I help you?

Well, I sure hope so. I got a call that someone at this address is stuck in a

chair and needs to be pried out. Ah, yes. That would be Mr.

Tubman. Walk this way.

All right.

Who is it, Carter?

It's the handyman, sir. Oh, terrific. Hello.

Hi. Well, let's see. Take a seat. I mean, keep your seat. I mean, just sit

We'll take a look here. I am sitting.

Oh, my.

Oh, oh, my. Well, what's the problem?

I'm going to have to blast.

Why, that's outrageous.

I could be killed. The house could be damaged.

You could burn the pot roast. Oh, what would you do?

I'd blast it. All righty then.

Here. Now, you hold on to this.

Now,

all I have to do is set these charges and press the plunger. What?

Press the plunger. All righty.

Oh, dear, sir.

Now what?

Well, heat up the Yankee pot roast, Carter. That explosion gave me a

appetite.

You're incorrigible, sir. Oh, thank you. And to think all that poor man said

was, press the plunger. What?

Press the plunger. All righty.

Well,

I guess I'll have to get the pot roast myself.

Back to the tank. I need it.

Everybody just calm down, all right? Clifford told us that we'd be performing

with Gott Brooks.

Clifford told you who Gott. Listen to me. I told the cheeses they might get on

just because I have a special relationship with that particular food

What's going on here? Clifford, this is not good. These guys are going to tear

the place up if we don't get them on camera. Stall them, man. I think I'm

finally getting through to Gott. All right.

Hey, Clifford, how you doing? Hey, Gott.

Oh, yeah. You're getting through to him real good.

Don't go there, man.

Just find something for these guys to do, okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If I wasn't a church -going rat.

Once again, it's time for Pigs in Space.

Deep Dish 9, the next generation of Pigs in Space!

Tuesday, noonish, we continue our scan of the meta -quadrant of the galaxy.

Did you get that, Captain Slog?

Aye, aye, Captain.

Captain,

we have just scanned quadrant metaphor point eight.

No, Captain, we have just scanned metaphor point nine.

I have told you to a thousand times. Do not mix your metaphors.

Captain, we are being pursued by a hostile enemy vessel.

Man your battle stations, quickly.

Get out of my way, you fool.

Well, that was an astounding waste of time.

Captain, the aliens are coming aboard.

Remember, these creatures are from another planet. Their appearance may

you. I'd terrify you.

I doubt it. We've seen her without her makeup.

Very funny face for brains.

Oh, lovely colors.

And who are you?

Oh, I'm Bill.

Bubbles come out of my head.

So, you are the leader of the evil pawns.

No, no, the rat back there just told us to come in here.

No, you are the leader of the evil pawns. Just a oney.

What have you say, lady? Just don't hurt me, all right?

Captain, the bridge is filling with bubbles.

Everyone to your anti -bubble station.

The soap has left a slick film on the floor. Magnifique. I love to watch slick

films.

Anyone have any popcorn?

We can't be going out on that cheap joke.

Join us again next week.

I guess we are.

For another ill -conceived episode of Pigs in Space.

Rizzo, what were you thinking?

Hey, you told me to put him in something.

You can't have a dumb old bubble head waltzing through the Milky Way. It'll

bad, real bad.

Hey, Bill, my main man. Hey, those bubbles look good on camera, real good.

Thank you.

I'll get you for this, Rizzo.

I'm going to try talking to Garth again.

That's it. I've had it. An outer space adventure with bubbles?

They never would have done anything that... unrealistic on Star Trek. Excuse

Miss Piggy, but that's where you're wrong.

I believe it was episode 12 where the Enterprise was invaded by an evil race

super -intelligent bubbles.

No wonder you were canceled.

Okay, I mean, now, hold on, hold on, wait a minute. So it wasn't the egg that

came first?

No. Oh, well.

Hey. Yo, yo, yo, God. Hey, Cleveland. Can I talk to you for a second? Sure,

Ain't nobody here but us chickens.

They love that.

cute uh listen can i ask you something kind of personal well sure man you know

you can't well are you experiencing are you having problems in your life and

emotional upheaval god clifford would like to know if you have gone nuts okay

get it all right okay listen guys how does this sound all right next number we

do me a fiddle out in the country with the chicken

That's what the people want. I'm going to go get ready, all right? All right.

Sounds good to me. Come on, Riz. Yes, sir.

If

I were

a rich man, digga, digga, digga, digga, digga, digga, digga, digga, digga,

digga, digga, digga, digga, digga, digga, digga, digga, digga, digga,

digga, digga, digga, digga, digga, digga, digga, digga, digga, digga,

digga, digga, digga, digga, digga, digga, digga, digga, digga, digga,

digga, digga, digga, digga, digga, digga, digga, digga, digga, digga,

digga, digga, digga, digga, digga, digga, digga, dig

Yeah, but he didn't say what country.

I'd fill my yard with chicks and turkeys and geese and ducks for the town

to see and hear.

Scorching just as noisily as they can.

And with each loud... And like a puppet on the air.

As if to say here lives...

If I were a rich man. What would you do if you were a rich man?

I'd buy the network and cancel this show.

If I was a wealthy man.

I think you're going to like this time slot a lot, Bill.

We're going to call your new show, I don't know, maybe Old Dr. Bill Medicine

Bubble. We'll figure that out later.

Oh, man, what a day. You know, it didn't start out so good, but now everything

is going gangbusting.

Okay, that does it. I had enough of this.

I'm going to give Garth Brooks a good old -fashioned talking to.

I love it when he talks tough.

When Garth Brooks opens that door, I'm going to tell him, there are people all

over this country tuning in to see you do one of your hit songs, and I'm not

going to let you let them down. Yeah, sounds good. Sounds good. Sounds good.

for it.

Yo, Garth, listen, I got... Clifford, buddy, I'm glad you're here. Look, man,

I've been thinking. There's people all over this country that's tuning in to

Garth Brooks sing one of his songs, and I'm just not going to let me let him

down. What?

Wait a minute. Is he putting us on?

I'm sure, man, I heard you through the door. But listen, seriously, what you

said made a lot of sense to me, and I think you're right. It's time Garth

marches out there and does a Garth Brooks song.

Wait, wait, wait. No bloomers, no tight pants, no kimonos, no pants, your own

voice in your own clothes. Come on, guys, this is Garth Brooks. When Garth

Brooks says he's going to do something, You consider it done.

Well, all right, that's great. I'll go and introduce you. Yeah, right this way,

Garth. Garth Brooks?

Whoa, you're just the man I'm looking for. How would you like to participate

a once -in -a -lifetime experience?

The first -ever inverted suborbital rocket -powered anti -gravity bungee

Wow, you betcha. Wait,

Garth! Garth!

Garth, where are you? Garth, don't do it! Don't do it!

What's up? What's up?

Ladies and gentlemen, let's give a big Muppets Tonight welcome to Mr.

Garth Brooks.

Hey, thank you.

And Garth Brooks.

That's enough. Thank you. Go on. Thank you. Good evening.

Tonight, I, the great Gonzo. And I, the great Garthzo. Will attempt a death

-defying act. Yeah, we're going to be rocketed skyward at Mach 5.

With just a thin little bitty bungee cord to keep us from flying off into the

stratosphere. Yeah, and at the end...

Apex of our event, we will be snapped back to Earth, where our fall will be

stopped by... Go ahead, man. Tell them what our fall will be stopped by.

Well, the floor. What else?

We could be killed.

Duh. That's why they call it death -defying.

Yeah, I think I've got one of my own songs to sing. Hat, please.

Oh, yeah, right, right, yeah.

Well, suit yourself.

Me, I've got a date with destiny.

One, two, three.

Cue Garth Brooks. This is great.

Garth Brooks is going to sing one of his own songs. Hey, sorry this didn't work

out, Bill. Oh, that's all right. Here, let me see if I can blow you a deuce.

Well, it was a five.

Cue Garth.

This ain't coming from no prophet.

Just an ordinary man.

But when I close my eyes, I see the way this world shall be

when we all walk hand in hand.

Yeah.

Got it.

Get it, girls.

When the last child cried.

For just a word he said, when our shells are over, the poor will take

it, and we shall be free.

And the last thing we notice is the colored skin, and the first thing we

look for is the beauty within. And the skies and the oceans are clean

again,

and we shall be free.

We shall be free.

We shall be free.

Yeah. Walk around.

We shall be free.

Yeah.

When we're free to love anyone we choose.

When this world's picking up for all different views, when we're all free to

work from our own kind of views, then we shall be free.

We shall be free.

We shall be free.

Have a little faith and hold out.

Because we shall be free.

Let's give it up for Garth Brooks.

Thank you very, very much. Thank you, Clifford. I had a great time.

Any regrets?

No, man, I got no regrets whatsoever.

Look out!

Ooh! Well, Gonzo might have some regrets, though.

Well, nope, no regrets.

We shall be free.

Whoa, Gonzo, dude.

This is an awesome piece of machinery.

Yeah, it's just too bad you never got a chance to try it. It was fun.

Oh, well, you know what? I guess I missed my chance, huh?

Hey, it's never too late.

Oh, dear.

He forgot his bungee cord.