Original subtitles

Okay. All right. Settle down, everybody.

Settle down. I'd like to welcome everyone to our new Muppet Television

And here's Gonzo the Great to tell us about some of our new programs. Take it

away, Gonzo. Thank you very much, Kermit.

Let's see here. On Monday, we have Murphy Prawn.

And the single duck in the city with his apartment full of friends.

And for this evening's show right now, we have TBA followed by the X -Fly.

Excuse me, Gonzo, but TBA means to be announced, which means we don't have a

show for tonight.

What? No show?

Oh, man, that's terrible.

Okay, on Saturday, we have... Wait, Gonzo, this is serious. We've got to put

together a show for tonight, everybody. Are you all with me?

Yeah!

After all, we've been in worse spots before, right?

Right. But we all pulled together and made it work because we're a team, huh?

Right. Okay, all right. So who wants to volunteer to host this new show, huh?

Oh,

baby, I love you. You know that.

Congratulations, Clifford. You got your own show.

Hold on, baby.

My own show?

I've always wanted to have my own show.

Man, this is great.

So when does it start?

Oh, in about 30 seconds.

I'll call you back.

It's Muppets Tonight with our very special guest star, Michelle Pfeiffer.

Yay!

If you're a human being, take a break from the race. Take a load off your

wipe the look off your face. Got a lot to do, and we do it for you.

Everybody take your place.

we can do, huh?

Six seconds.

Yo, yo, yo. And remember, no matter what happens, have fun.

Everybody,

hang in there, everybody.

We're on the air.

Clifford, Clifford, that's the supply cabinet.

I know that. It's a nice supply cabinet, too. Nice and quiet.

Let's cue the announcer, shall we?

Cue the announcer.

And now it's time for Muppets Tonight.

And here's the host of our show, Clifford.

Here I am, Clifford.

Hey, hey. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm Clifford, your homie made of

foamy. Welcome to Muppets Tonight, a show that's going to change the face of

television and make it look a little something like this.

To start things off, our first act is... Yo, Rizzo, what's our first act?

Well, I hate to tell you this, Chief, but we don't have an opening act. As a

matter of fact, we don't have a middle act and a closing act either.

Oh, man, what are we going to do?

Clifford, your problems are solved. I've got an act that's going to knock your

socks off. Well, put them on, man.

Your socks?

No, the act. Oh, yes, okay.

Muppets Tonight is proud to present Francois Fromage and his...

What, do you cheat?

Ike from the loading dock.

No, man, I mean somebody bigger. What about Ike's wife? She's huge.

What's going on with the dancing cheese?

They melted, maybe.

Of course they melted. Jesus!

It's the lights, the lights.

Oh, this is bad news.

We are way deep in the big...

What you gave us now, Rizzo, is if a world -famous superstar walks through

door.

That door?

It's Miss Piggy.

Thank you. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you so much.

that enough applause, Miss Piggy, or do you want me to goose it?

I have never seen that man before in my life.

Miss Piggy, what are you doing here?

Well, rumor has it that you are looking for a guest star for tonight's show.

do our show? Well, that's great.

But I thought you were busy doing infomercials.

Infomercials?

Just to laugh.

I'm a star.

I do not stoop the lowest to do infomercials. Hey, Miss Piggy, they're

one of those infomercials you don't do.

And remember, not only do my big wig hair extensions.

So that means you're going to be our guest star?

Under one condition.

Name it.

You give my two nephews, Andy and Randy, a job on the show.

Well, sure, Piggy. We're the little cocktail wieners.

You! No, you're it!

You're it! No! Andy, you ready?

You're it! Come inside and meet your new employer.

Bye -bye, boys.

Goodbye, Auntie. Where are you going, Aunt Piggy?

Which one of you fellas are Andy and which one's Randy?

This job is too hard.

Man, you cats are stupid. Oh, yeah, well, you are the stupid one because we

not even cats.

Yes, we're, um, dogs.

Look, a fire hydrant.

Something tells me I'm going to regret hiring these two.

Miss Piggy as herself.

Introducing Pamela Henderson as Pamela.

And Andy and Randy Pig as Donnie and Art C. Schell.

Hey, Chip, sing that Hawaiian song.

Yeah. Why, sure, fellas. You mean the one that goes something like this?

Like what?

Excuse me.

Do any of you boys know where I can find Champ Schwimmer?

I'm his new assistant lifeguard.

What's he saying?

We do not know.

Yeah, it's Hawaiian talk.

Let's just let nature take its course and we'll concentrate on that mouth -to

-mouth thing, shall we?

Swiffer!

Swiffer!

Well, Chief, it looks like everything is under control.

Man, that Miss Piggy may be a ham, but no matter how you slice it, she really

brings home the bacon. Hey, hey, hey, don't use up all the pig metaphors. This

is only our first show.

Clifford, Clifford, there you are. Yeah, I have someone I'd like you to meet.

Miss Michelle Pfeiffer. Oh, wow.

Hi, Clifford. Hey!

Miss Pfeiffer has graciously agreed to be our guest star. Oh, man, that is

great. And excuse me for saying so, Miss Pfeiffer, but you are drop dead gold.

Boss, boss, I gotta ask you... Michelle Pfeiffer!

See what I told you? Aw, that's sweet. But you know, everybody always thinks of

me as some glamorous movie star, and really, I'm just a simple, wholesome

next door.

Boy, I'm living in the wrong neighborhood.

Uh, Clifford, could I just remind you of something? Uh, not now, for real. Yeah,

but it's really important. I said not now, man.

Uh, Michelle, why don't you go on down to our special guest star dressing room,

and I'll get your script.

Thanks, Clifford, and thanks for calling me, Kermie. This is going to be so much

fun.

Yeah,

fun.

Man, she sure is wholesome.

Now, Rizzo, what was so important?

Well, it's just that five minutes ago you asked Miss Piggy to guest star on

show. Oh, wait a second. You mean we asked Michelle Pfeiffer and Miss Piggy

guest star on the same show?

Yeah, I think maybe we did.

Brace you to the supply cabinet.

beautiful guest star, Miss Michelle Pfeiffer.

Give it up. The woman's looking good.

Thank you, Clifford. I've always wanted to work with the Muppets. But, Michelle,

this isn't the first time you work with us. It is. I never... Wait. No, no.

You're not going to show that old thing when I... Oh, yes, we are.

Ladies and gentlemen, come with us now as we look at Michelle Pfeiffer and the

Muppets from 1975.

Michelle, right there.

Thank you and welcome to Muppet Matchup. Let's get right to it, shall we, and

meet our groovy bachelorette. A young lady who likes growing organic food,

hosting fondue parties, and dreams of someday being one of Charlie's Angels,

Miss Michelle Pfeiffer -Manowitz.

Welcome to the show, Michelle. Are you ready to get down with the game?

That would be far out, Kermit. Let's boogie with our bad selves.

Bachelor number one, I love a man with a good sense of humor. What's your idea

of a fun date?

Well, Michelle, first I would take you to my lab where we'd scrape off some

epidermis and examine the skin cells from our bippies.

Freaky.

Bachelor number two, same question?

That's not funny. That's sick.

Oh, uh, did I mention that we could manipulate time with our bippies?

Bachelor number one, you're funnier than the sweet hogs.

Um, bachelor number three, same question.

Michelle! Michelle!

Michelle! Michelle!

Michelle! Michelle!

Michelle! Michelle!

Michelle! Michelle!

Wow,

this is one trippy scene, man. My mood ring has gone all mellow, yo.

Who has my, did they?

Yeah, yeah.

She even looked good back then.

So, so, Michelle, who you end up dating?

Bachelor number three, but I haven't seen him in years. I wonder if he's

changed. Michelle!

Michelle! Michelle!

Michelle! Michelle!

Michelle! An animal out of the cage. Quick, quick, quick, quick, cue

The Goosebanian dance number. Three, two, one, cue.

Can I offer anybody some more schnitzel?

Schnitzel! Schnitzel!

Schnitzel! Yo,

Rizzo, come here, come here, come here. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Where's Miss Piggy? She's in makeup.

Oh, good, good.

Where's Michelle?

She's in wardrobe.

Good, good, good. What's on stage?

Nigel, what's on stage?

Oh, the Cusbanian dance number. And then we got the Elvises coming up next.

Well, that's a happening thing.

Right now, you and I have to keep Michelle and Miss Piggy apart.

Gotcha. I'll take Michelle, you take the pig. Oh, no, no, no. I will take

Michelle.

Flip you for it.

Tails,

you lose.

Rats.

And now, once again, it's time for Great Moments in Elvis History.

Tonight... The Declaration of Independence.

Say there, George Washington.

What's up there, Thomas Jefferson?

Well, I was just wondering if you had any more of that there.

Cherry pie left.

I cannot tell a lie. I ate the whole thing.

Oh, mercy.

Mr. Hancock, are you ready to sign the Declaration of Independence?

You're dang right I am.

Excellent. It will break all ties with the king.

Now wait just one Memphis minute.

I am the king.

Hey, now, looky here, Thomas Jefferson. You know that I'm the king. Oh, no, I'm

the king. No, I'm the king. Hold on a minute, boys.

I'm the king.

Oh, don't make me use my karate on you.

Gentlemen,

great news.

What's that, Ben Franklin? I have just discovered electricity.

Rockin' good news.

Now we can play these here electric guitars.

Mercy.

Join us for another great moment in Elvis history Next week, Elvis of Arabia

Dang, it's hot out here

Say, I'm a big fan of yours.

Of course you are, dear. Where would you like me to sign? Oh, no, no. I'm not

here for your autograph.

Look, if this is about the hair extensions, I am not responsible for

did to your hair or your pots. No, no, no. I'm Michelle Pfeiffer.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Of course!

Bonnie Pfeiffer's wife.

You must be here to see Mula's grand return to television.

Actually, I'm the guest star on the show tonight.

What?

Playing Maria von Trappen, the big musical number. See?

Michelle, take...

Marie von Trapp, you're a pig.

I know I'm a pig.

You, you, you, you, Jezebel. Now, Miss Piggy, let's not resort to name

please. Too late, too late. Jezebel, Jezebel, Jezebel, Jezebel, Jezebel.

I'll take care of this, Rizzo. I know exactly how to handle a lady. Jezebel,

Jezebel, Jezebel. Girls, girls, girls, there seems to be some misunderstanding

here.

number from the sound of music number.

I hope you enjoy it.

This way, cheap, right back here. Thanks, Mom.

Careful. Do I have to go to school today?

Brother.

Maria!

Here she is.

All right, children.

Let's start at the very beginning.

A very good place to start.

When you spell, you begin with... Gee, I didn't know there'd be a test.

With Do Re Mi.

Do,

a deer, a female deer.

Re, a drop of golden sun.

And he, a name I call myself.

Fa, a long, long way to run.

No, no, no. Children, I am not Aunt Piggy. I am Maria.

No, no, children. I am Maria.

Children, children, come here. I'd like to sing you a song in key.

Children, children, I have some candy for you. Come here.

Doorbells and sleigh bells and warm woolen mittens. Hey, when do we get our

candy? Shut up.

Michelle! Michelle!

Michelle! Michelle!

Michelle! That means the dog.

Dog! Dog! Dog! Dog! Dog! Digger!

Yo,

Kern, I was worried at first, but I think things are going pretty well.

Oh, hey.

Oh, my little doggy!

I've had it with that Pfeiffer. I'll show that tiny... Quick,

give me a T word. T -fine. Turtle.

ladies have made up. Oh, we have.

And I realized that this was not Michelle's fault. And I know it's not

fault. We both realized it was your fault.

Don't worry, Clifford. It'll all go smoother next week. All right. Thank

Piggy. Thank you, Michelle. Thank you, everybody.

We're back for more TGIF, which will now stand for Thank Goodness I'm Freaky.

Yo, Rizzo, where's the dancing cheeses? I'd like to thank them for all the work

they did.

Let me do that for you.

Thank you, dancing cheeses, for all your hard work.

Oh, man, you ate the cheeses? Of course I ate the cheeses.

I'm a rat. They're cheese.

It's the circle of life.

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