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Previously on Forgive me.

Your thoughts are a disorder.

No, my thoughts would be a disorder if I acted on them.

Thinking those thoughts, having them is a sin.

Smith, you can't just walk into a confessional

and tell me that you're a pedophile

and then, oh bada boom,

God's just going to forgive you, okay?

That's not the way that it works.

It does work that way.

Have any of you ever been asked to break the seal

of the confessional?

Somebody asked you to do that?

I know the rules and I know that

I'm asking you to break them.

You must be aware that I can't do that.

Did he commit a crime?

Your son thinks of committing a crime.

He thinks of committing a crime?

He thinks about it long enough and hard enough

that he came here to confess to it.

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

It has been hm, however many weeks since my last confession.

Well, since I was here the last time.

Should I go on, or?

Why not?

Well, usually there's a greeting, go on, my son.

Go on, my son.

I was thinking.

I seduced a man.

Why?

Curiosity.

I was young.

I was 14, I think, but I never confessed it.

And him?

He was a teacher, sort of.

How old was he?

I don't know.

40 I guess.

Old enough to know better.

And I knew better.

All I thought about was sex, and I thought he loved me.

And I thought those two things went together.

You thought he loved you?

Well, I don't think so anymore.

But I don't know, maybe he did.

But, I mean, he should have known better, right?

His was the [sighs].

I mean, I'm not supposed to tell you

that it's not your fault.

But I mean, you committed a sin.

You're confessing to it here.

You are responsible for your sin, but.

Hey, you know what?

It wasn't your fault.

What, you were a kid.

It was more his fault.

I mean, it was all his fault.

It's a bit of a paradox, isn't it, Father?

When I came here confessing lustful thoughts

about a girl it's all my fault.

And when I was a boy it's partly my fault.

No.

No, it was all his fault.

It was.

I got there.

Who was he to you?

He was a man I knew.

So like a sort of teacher,

somebody who had authority over you, or?

Yeah, he did have authority.

Not a lot.

He wasn't imposing or anything.

I was taller than him, even then.

Where is he now?

He's dead, probably.

It was kind of a one on one tutor thing at his house.

When he hurt you?

When I seduced him.

When he molested you.

Sure.

You need, you need to believe that.

Oh, okay, technically yes.

But I was 14 years old.

All I thought about was sex.

I mean, other thoughts would creep in there,

and trying drugs, and seeing the big city, and X-Men.

But mostly 24 hours a day all I thought about was sex,

and it didn't seem like anybody else would,

would've wanted to have sex with me.

So, when I saw my chance I took it.

The bravest thing I ever did maybe.

So you had the thoughts

that a teenager has, right?

Yeah.

Like a yearning to grow up, a desire for experience.

But, this teacher took advantage of that.

He did.

He took advantage of that.

He took advantage of you in a calculated way.

Mm.

I think he was just weak.

Just, now that I'm his age.

Was he somebody in the community.

I mean, was he someone you trusted?

Was he somebody other people trusted?

Yeah.

Was he a part of this church?

Why do you ask that?

Was he?

Why do you ask that?

Why does that matter?

To me it matters.

It wasn't a priest.

I'm not going to sue.

Well, maybe you should sue somebody.

I thought about it over the years.

I always decided I was fooling myself,

trying to put the blame all on him,

trying to connect the dots in my life

to make all the mistakes trace back to him.

I could never convince myself of any of that.

Plus, who does it help?

Suing a charity that's supposed to be helping people,

you take away the help.

You take away the money to help.

So that's just selfish.

But you need help, right?

You need help now.

Like, that's a very good-hearted way to think.

But your mental wellbeing should not be sacrificed,

not to mention the people you might hurt.

It holds me back, that's for sure.

I don't trust anybody.

I thought he loved me and I was wrong, so.

Because a teacher broke your trust.

He wasn't a teacher.

He wasn't a priest.

He just worked here at the diocese.

I didn't have a father around.

My father was a drunk somewhere, and

the man my mother was with was a

mean, mean, son of a bitch.

So, I just wanted a man who I could be close to,

who would like me.

I get that now.

So I started hanging around him, and he did, he liked me.

He hired me to do odd jobs.

And he would watch me raking up his lawn,

working up a sweat.

When it was hot he would,

he told me I could come in to have a shower after.

And we, you know, started watching TV.

And he made me dinner, a glass of wine.

It was really wonderful.

Getting a 14 year old drunk

and then molesting him isn't wonderful.

Yeah, I know that, but at the time it was wonderful.

It was like someone took my hand

and then walked me through being a grown up.

We started watching R-rated videos and X-rated videos,

and then porn after I seduced him.

Listen, listen, stop saying that.

You didn't seduce anyone.

I did.

I sidled up to him, put my hand on his thigh,

watched his face, breathed his breath, inhaled his exhale.

Put my hand on his crotch--

It doesn't matter.

It would have taken some strength of character

to say no in that situation, don't you think?

No, I really don't think that it would

have taken strength of will.

Maybe a tiny little amount, but.

Listen to me, you're holding onto

a thought for your entire life.

It's a fallacy that makes sense to a boy, right?

A grown man, he doesn't just invite kids over to his house

to, you know, work up a sweat and then take a shower

while he makes them a romantic dinner

and plies them with alcohol.

You were set up.

You were.

I mean, you took the bait.

That's it.

Maybe you were naive, but you did not seduce that man.

He seduced you, methodically.

He manipulated you because he wanted to get you

to a point where you would do,

he wanted to manipulate you to get you to a point

where you would do the things that you ended up doing.

Because he was older, and because he was calculated,

and because you were young, and you were innocent, right?

You gotta see that now as a middle aged man.

You don't invite 14 year olds over,

get them drunk, and show them adult videos.

The porn was after we were having--

It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter.

Even R-rated videos, come on.

I know you're right.

He hurt you.

He messed with your head.

You're still paying for it.

How long did it go on?

A year and a bit, I don't know, a year and a half.

How'd it stop?

I'm not really sure.

One day he was gone, just moved.

Somebody found out, I know that.

Because he would have said goodbye.

They made me talk to the priest here, my mother did.

She knew somehow I think.

First here to confess.

But I didn't confess it, I wouldn't.

No, I wouldn't make myself do what I couldn't.

So, they made me go this office.

Somebody's office, and it was

the same priest that I confessed to.

And he didn't really ask me any questions.

He just told me what he knew.

And he said that I had done a sin.

And that my friend was moved away,

so that's what's happened to him.

I guess they sent him away.

You don't know what the church did?

I stopped coming to church.

I mean, the school I was at had a church, so.

My mother stopped going.

Well, you know what?

That priest, he should have done a lot more to help you.

He should not have made you think that it was your fault.

He was kind of a prick.

I think he was trying to scare me straight.

Well, you know what?

That was then, and this is now.

So I want you to let me help you, okay?

Let me find you somebody that you can talk to, a specialist.

I'm talking to you.

You can talk to me anytime, about faith.

But I'm not qualified to help you.

I mean, I can't, I can't help you

with this abuse, with your head.

You are.

You already are.

You made me think about some,

you make me think about this differently.

About the man that I, who,

the man that took advantage of me.

That priest, that priest that made me

do the chores to punish me.

He punishes you, he protects the person that hurt you.

Think about that.

It would distort your perspective, right?

I don't hate the guy.

The guy who did that to me.

I did, 'cause I thought he didn't fight.

He never got in touch with me.

You don't have to hate anybody.

You just got to love yourself, right?

You got to love yourself enough to get your head right

so that you don't think it's okay

to go and do to some girl what he did to you.

Everything seemed a little fake after that.

I don't believe in anybody.

Adults, they just seemed not the same to me after that.

I didn't see them as authority figures,

priests or teachers, cops.

I saw them as equals, just like me, full of shit.

Fake, just pretending to live

by the rules, enforce the rules.

And all the time they're leading

a double life with secrets.

Yeah.

That's basically true.

Everyone has flaws.

But the way that you learned that, it was too harsh.

And that's not pretense necessarily, right?

I think that a lot of people

they do try to live by what's right.

They just, they make mistakes.

And what's the difference?

The difference is in the trying.

Have you stayed away from your old place,

you avoided temptation?

Yeah, mostly.

I went back to get some clothes and some mail.

Did you see the girl?

You know, you could have gone while she was at school.

I work.

I work when she's at school.

You can't go back there.

You can't.

You just get your mail forwarded, all right?

And on the chance that you do have to go back,

you don't go alone.

You bring somebody with you, bring a friend.

You?

Yeah, okay.

Thank you.

Yeah.

And I can find you somebody to help you,

a doctor, a therapist that you can talk to.

I'm talking to you.

Isn't that enough?

I'm talking to you.

It's not.

No, you have, you've pointed out some things today

that are helping me see things, different things--

I understand that.

But this is bigger right now than just you and I, right?

I mean, really, I just, I have to insist on this one.

I don't think I can go.

You can.

If you can talk to me then you can talk to a therapist.

Please just try it.

Try it once, one time.

Thank you.

Why don't you come back in a week or so, okay?

And I will have somebody that you can talk to

and will have a way that you can pay for it.

In the meantime, you stay away from your old place.

Don't see the little girl.

Jess, Jess.

Don't see Jess.

Okay Smith, I'm going to tell you right now,

if you do something to hurt that kid,

seal or no seal on this confessional booth,

I will bring a world of pain down on you so bad

you will wish that you were just in hell.

It's good you care.

I do care.

And I don't just care about Jess.

I care about you.

Hey, this is about what's good for you.

It's about what's right.

Okay.

I promise.

Good.

What is my penance?

Nothing.

I'm not forgiven.

You told me, I mean, when you came in today,

the only thing you said to me was that someone

took advantage of you when you were a teenager.

It look me a long time to confess that,

to work up that, a long time.

There was no penance because it wasn't your sin.

It was the man's, it was all that man's sin.

It was not yours, Smith, it was not yours at all.

I gotta go.

Here she is.

Hi.

Oh, thank you.

Hey, it's Ms O'Leary.

Remember Mrs O'Leary?

You knew her when you were kids.

I don't think he's going to remember me.

I used to watch out for you when your grandparents went out.

Hi.

I think it's time I should go.

Oh God, I'm so glad.

Oh.

It was so good.

I never get out anymore.

It's so good to remember.

It is.

I'll get your coat.

Thank you.

So, you have your little secrets as well, do you?

Here you go.

Thank you.

Can you say hi to Johnny for me?

To Johnny.

No, I don't think I will.

I don't think I can do it anymore.

He has to go to a home.

I can't keep him from getting bedsores.

You can ask for more help.

Does he even know he's here?

I think he knew for a really long time.

You made a difference.

Could you turn him over tonight?

I don't think I can do it.

♪ Rest your bones, your day is done ♪

♪ A gentle soul on the run

♪ Close your eyes, hop, skip, and jump ♪

♪ On the lam and over hump

♪ You're never gonna get that far ♪

♪ You're never gonna reach part of your heart ♪

♪ You sweet dream sleeper

Next time on Forgive Me.

You got a call to go do last rites.

They were hoping you could do it this morning.

Well, I've never done last rites before.

Well, they asked for you.