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1
00:00:00,020 --> 00:00:01,720
Okay, that's the least
of my worries
2
00:00:01,850 --> 00:00:03,570
in episodes I, II, and III,
by the way.
3
00:00:03,600 --> 00:00:05,040
Oh, you're talking
about George Lucas
4
00:00:05,070 --> 00:00:07,560
and how he's been completely
seduced by CGI.
5
00:00:07,610 --> 00:00:09,010
Oh, [bleep]!
6
00:00:09,220 --> 00:00:10,990
- Paint?
- This is a new shirt.
7
00:00:11,010 --> 00:00:12,250
- Are you kidding me?
- Damn!
8
00:00:12,280 --> 00:00:14,850
- Damn.
- Oh, God--
9
00:00:14,880 --> 00:00:16,610
- That sucks.
- This is so--
10
00:00:16,650 --> 00:00:17,880
Look at this.
11
00:00:19,050 --> 00:00:20,580
It's like I got
two little paint titties
12
00:00:20,620 --> 00:00:21,590
on my shirt now.
13
00:00:28,220 --> 00:00:29,320
What are you looking at?
14
00:00:29,360 --> 00:00:30,590
Hmm?
15
00:00:30,630 --> 00:00:31,860
What?
16
00:00:33,190 --> 00:00:34,260
Dude, my eyes are up here.
17
00:00:34,290 --> 00:00:35,330
Yeah.
18
00:00:35,360 --> 00:00:38,830
Eyes.
19
00:00:38,860 --> 00:00:39,830
Wha--
20
00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:41,430
Dude, what are you doing?
21
00:00:41,470 --> 00:00:43,730
It's paint.
What are you doing?
22
00:00:43,770 --> 00:00:46,200
Come on, we've had a good time
today, haven't we?
23
00:00:46,240 --> 00:00:48,870
You know?
We hung out the whole day.
24
00:00:48,910 --> 00:00:50,210
It's paint!
25
00:00:50,240 --> 00:00:52,240
Paint!
It comes off. see?
26
00:00:52,280 --> 00:00:54,210
- See how that comes off, huh?
- Yeah.
27
00:00:54,250 --> 00:00:56,380
Yeah. Yes.
28
00:00:56,420 --> 00:00:59,220
Oh, dude, stop it.
Just stop it.
29
00:00:59,250 --> 00:01:00,320
You want me to stop it,
30
00:01:00,350 --> 00:01:02,050
then stop licking
your little titties.
31
00:01:02,090 --> 00:01:03,850
They're not real titties.
32
00:01:03,890 --> 00:01:04,850
- What?
- Oh--
33
00:01:05,890 --> 00:01:08,290
- Really? Twice?
- Unbelievable.
34
00:01:08,500 --> 00:01:09,560
Hello, ladies.
35
00:01:14,630 --> 00:01:16,700
Yeah.
36
00:01:32,610 --> 00:01:35,980
Sync & corrections by dwigt
www.addic7ed.com
37
00:01:40,090 --> 00:01:43,290
Whoa!
38
00:01:43,320 --> 00:01:44,420
Thank you!
39
00:01:44,460 --> 00:01:47,130
- All right.
- Thank you.
40
00:01:47,410 --> 00:01:49,210
Good evening.
I am Keegan-Michael Key.
41
00:01:49,240 --> 00:01:51,010
- I'm Jordan Peele.
- And we are Key and Peele.
42
00:01:51,050 --> 00:01:55,650
Thank you for coming out.
43
00:01:55,680 --> 00:01:58,880
There is a real-life dude
Named Silverberry Mouhon.
44
00:02:02,520 --> 00:02:06,420
Silverberry
is his first name.
45
00:02:06,460 --> 00:02:07,730
Like, his mom just watched
46
00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:09,230
Willy Wonka
and the Chocolate Factory--
47
00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:14,870
Have you been paying attention
to players' names?
48
00:02:14,900 --> 00:02:17,270
- Real life beat us this year.
- Yeah.
49
00:02:17,300 --> 00:02:20,470
You guys know this guy
from L.S.U., right?
50
00:02:20,510 --> 00:02:21,540
Barkevious Mingo.
51
00:02:21,570 --> 00:02:23,840
That's a real dude.
52
00:02:23,880 --> 00:02:24,840
And I don't if you know this,
53
00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:27,380
but Barkevious Mingo has
a brother
54
00:02:27,410 --> 00:02:31,450
by the name
of Hughtavious Mingo.
55
00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:33,250
You know what
the most ridiculous one?
56
00:02:33,290 --> 00:02:34,950
There's a dude named
57
00:02:34,990 --> 00:02:39,090
Wonderful Terrific Monds II.
58
00:02:39,130 --> 00:02:41,430
- No.
- That's a real dude, Keegan.
59
00:02:41,460 --> 00:02:43,200
- That's a real dude.
- What?
60
00:02:45,330 --> 00:02:48,100
I'm Dave Sasson
alongside Jeff Worthing,
61
00:02:48,130 --> 00:02:51,570
and welcome to the 2013
East/West Bowl,
62
00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:52,940
Where we're going
to be watching
63
00:02:52,970 --> 00:02:55,310
some of the best college
athletes in the nation
64
00:02:55,340 --> 00:02:58,340
try to put last year's
spectacle to shame.
65
00:02:58,380 --> 00:02:59,480
That's right, Dave.
66
00:02:59,510 --> 00:03:00,780
It won't be easy,
67
00:03:00,810 --> 00:03:03,720
but this year's seniors
certainly will be trying
68
00:03:03,750 --> 00:03:06,650
to give last year's stars
a run for their money.
69
00:03:06,690 --> 00:03:07,890
Let's check out the teams,
70
00:03:07,920 --> 00:03:10,090
starting with the players
from the East.
71
00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:18,330
Coznesster Smiff,
Rutgers University.
72
00:03:18,360 --> 00:03:21,970
Elipses Corter,
University of Alabama.
73
00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:25,740
Nyquillus Dillwad, LSU.
74
00:03:25,770 --> 00:03:29,970
Bismo Funyuns,
Florida State University.
75
00:03:30,010 --> 00:03:32,910
Decatholac Mango,
Georgia Tech University.
76
00:03:32,940 --> 00:03:37,180
Mergatroid Skittle,
University of Louisville.
77
00:03:37,210 --> 00:03:40,620
Quiznatodd Bidness,
University of Tennessee.
78
00:03:40,650 --> 00:03:44,090
D'pez Poopsie, Ole Miss.
79
00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:47,290
Quackadilly Blip,
Auburn University.
80
00:03:47,320 --> 00:03:50,830
Goolius Boozler, the "U."
81
00:03:50,860 --> 00:03:54,100
Bisquiteen Trisket,
University of Michigan.
82
00:03:54,130 --> 00:03:58,300
Fartrell Cluggins,
University of Arkansas.
83
00:03:58,340 --> 00:04:02,440
Blyrone Blashinton,
Syracuse.
84
00:04:02,470 --> 00:04:05,740
Cartoons Plural,
Virginia Tech.
85
00:04:05,780 --> 00:04:08,110
Jammie Jammie-Jammie,
86
00:04:08,150 --> 00:04:10,300
the Ohio State University.
87
00:04:11,110 --> 00:04:12,900
Fudge.
88
00:04:15,550 --> 00:04:17,520
Some of the big stories
this year--
89
00:04:17,550 --> 00:04:20,890
The meteoric rise
of D'pez Poopsie,
90
00:04:20,920 --> 00:04:23,330
and let's not forget
about Heisman winner
91
00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:24,700
Jammie Jammie-Jammie.
92
00:04:24,730 --> 00:04:27,230
And remember, you can't talk
about 2013
93
00:04:27,270 --> 00:04:28,870
without bringing up Fudge.
94
00:04:28,900 --> 00:04:30,570
Everybody's talking
about Fudge.
95
00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:32,700
At 350 pounds,
this running back
96
00:04:32,740 --> 00:04:35,010
is almost unstoppable
the whole year.
97
00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:37,410
You're right. I could talk
about Fudge all day.
98
00:04:37,440 --> 00:04:39,980
But first, let's meet
the players from the West.
99
00:04:45,620 --> 00:04:49,290
Equine Ducklings,
Indiana University,
100
00:04:49,320 --> 00:04:51,290
Purdue University,
Indianapolis.
101
00:04:51,440 --> 00:04:53,360
Dahistorius Lamystorius,
102
00:04:53,370 --> 00:04:55,370
Utah State University.
103
00:04:55,800 --> 00:04:59,160
Ewokoniad Sigourneth Juniorstein,
104
00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:01,200
Oklahoma State University.
105
00:05:01,370 --> 00:05:03,500
Eqqsquizitine Buble-Schwinslow,
106
00:05:03,540 --> 00:05:05,270
University of Nebraska.
107
00:05:05,540 --> 00:05:08,770
Huka'Lakanaka
Hakanakaheekalucka'Hukahakafaka,
108
00:05:08,810 --> 00:05:10,440
University of Hawaii.
109
00:05:10,650 --> 00:05:14,250
King Prince Chambermaid,
Baylor University.
110
00:05:14,450 --> 00:05:18,880
Ladennifer Jadaniston,
University of Colorado.
111
00:05:18,920 --> 00:05:23,290
Ladadadaladadadadada
Dala-Dadaladaladalada,
112
00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:24,860
University of Arizona.
113
00:05:24,890 --> 00:05:26,740
Harvard University,
114
00:05:28,290 --> 00:05:29,890
DeVry University.
115
00:05:34,900 --> 00:05:38,140
Army, Navy Surplus Store.
116
00:05:38,170 --> 00:05:41,740
Wingdings,
online classes.
117
00:05:41,770 --> 00:05:43,810
Firstname Lastname,
118
00:05:43,840 --> 00:05:45,380
College University.
119
00:05:45,680 --> 00:05:48,850
God,
homeschooled.
120
00:05:49,070 --> 00:05:51,200
Squeeeeeeeeeps,
121
00:05:51,470 --> 00:05:53,030
Santa Monica College.
122
00:05:53,530 --> 00:05:55,790
Benedict Cumberbatch,
123
00:05:55,820 --> 00:05:57,760
Oxford University.
124
00:05:58,160 --> 00:06:01,160
A.A. Ron Balakay,
Morehouse College.
125
00:06:17,080 --> 00:06:18,180
Latrell?
126
00:06:18,210 --> 00:06:19,610
What's up, baby girl?
127
00:06:19,650 --> 00:06:21,980
Can you please turn
that off?
128
00:06:22,010 --> 00:06:24,620
- Why, you don't like my music?
- Is it music?
129
00:06:24,650 --> 00:06:27,020
Because it sounds like a bunch
of sex noises
130
00:06:27,050 --> 00:06:28,950
over a bass line.
131
00:06:28,990 --> 00:06:30,450
Oh.
132
00:06:30,490 --> 00:06:31,690
I get it.
133
00:06:31,720 --> 00:06:33,320
You don't like my music
'cause I'm gay.
134
00:06:33,360 --> 00:06:36,460
You can't handle
a gay man's music.
135
00:06:36,490 --> 00:06:37,490
No, no, no.
136
00:06:37,530 --> 00:06:38,860
It's-- I'm trying to work here,
137
00:06:38,900 --> 00:06:40,930
and that music
is weirdly sexual.
138
00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:43,030
Oh, I see.
139
00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:46,500
So my sexuality is weird.
140
00:06:46,540 --> 00:06:49,770
You just can't fathom a man
being attracted
141
00:06:49,810 --> 00:06:52,040
to another man.
142
00:06:52,080 --> 00:06:54,140
I can fathom it.
It's--
143
00:06:54,180 --> 00:06:56,150
Can you just please listen
to some other gay music,
144
00:06:56,180 --> 00:06:57,450
like Barbra Streisand
or something--
145
00:06:57,480 --> 00:06:59,110
Oh, I see, I see.
Okay.
146
00:06:59,150 --> 00:07:03,790
So listening
to Barbra Streisand is gay.
147
00:07:03,820 --> 00:07:06,820
Stereotype much?
148
00:07:10,360 --> 00:07:12,280
So you seeing
anybody lately?
149
00:07:14,530 --> 00:07:16,130
Yeah, I-I mean, kind of.
150
00:07:16,170 --> 00:07:17,300
I think--
151
00:07:17,330 --> 00:07:19,400
'cause I got it good
last night.
152
00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:22,810
Oh, it was like, damn!
I mean, my man was like, blop!
153
00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:26,310
Like, he had a baby arm holding
on to a apple.
154
00:07:26,340 --> 00:07:29,410
Aw, don't call it
a baby arm.
155
00:07:29,450 --> 00:07:31,080
Aw.
156
00:07:31,110 --> 00:07:32,610
I see.
157
00:07:32,650 --> 00:07:35,280
So you can't handle hearing
about how I'm gay.
158
00:07:35,320 --> 00:07:37,190
I'm sorry.
159
00:07:37,220 --> 00:07:39,620
You just referred
to your boyfriend's penis
160
00:07:39,660 --> 00:07:42,490
as a baby's arm
holding an apple.
161
00:07:42,530 --> 00:07:43,960
Well, that's what
it looked like.
162
00:07:43,990 --> 00:07:45,630
And it's not my boyfriend,
by the way.
163
00:07:45,660 --> 00:07:49,900
And "anywhats,"
you're homophobic.
164
00:07:49,930 --> 00:07:52,900
No, no, no.
That's not homophobic, okay?
165
00:07:52,940 --> 00:07:56,010
You're explicitly talking
about sexual things
166
00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:58,110
in the workplace.
167
00:07:58,140 --> 00:07:59,370
Fine.
168
00:07:59,410 --> 00:08:01,680
There's plenty of stuff
that we can talk about.
169
00:08:01,710 --> 00:08:05,110
You know, uh, my penis cup,
170
00:08:05,150 --> 00:08:08,050
my scrotum cozies that I have
been knitting recently--
171
00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:10,590
Oh, with these knitting needles
that I have just noticed
172
00:08:10,620 --> 00:08:13,150
look like little, skinny,
purple penises,
173
00:08:13,190 --> 00:08:14,920
et cetera and et cetera.
174
00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:16,390
Oh, my God.
175
00:08:16,430 --> 00:08:17,790
Can I show you a picture,
176
00:08:17,830 --> 00:08:20,160
and then you tell me
if it's good for Facebook?
177
00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:22,800
Okay, I'm fairly certain
you're going to show me
178
00:08:22,830 --> 00:08:24,200
something overtly sexual.
179
00:08:24,230 --> 00:08:26,030
Don't you prejudge me!
Here it is.
180
00:08:26,070 --> 00:08:27,800
Agh! [bleep]!
181
00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:30,070
That's a close-up
of an anus.
182
00:08:30,100 --> 00:08:32,770
Oh, no, that's not an anus.
183
00:08:32,810 --> 00:08:35,380
That's my anus, baby girl.
184
00:08:35,410 --> 00:08:38,110
- That's disgusting.
- Oh, I see.
185
00:08:38,150 --> 00:08:40,210
So you don't want to see
a close-up picture of my anus
186
00:08:40,250 --> 00:08:41,680
'cause you hate gay men.
187
00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:42,920
No.
188
00:08:42,950 --> 00:08:44,350
I don't want to look
at a close-up picture
189
00:08:44,390 --> 00:08:46,450
of anyone's anus.
190
00:08:46,490 --> 00:08:47,650
Homophobe.
191
00:08:47,690 --> 00:08:49,960
Homophobe.
There's a homophobe right here.
192
00:08:49,990 --> 00:08:51,690
Ho--
193
00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:52,920
Homophobe alert!
194
00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:54,530
Homophobe!
195
00:08:57,730 --> 00:08:59,760
Hey.
196
00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:00,970
Hey, baby.
How's it going?
197
00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:03,130
Good.
Ready to go to lunch?
198
00:09:03,170 --> 00:09:04,400
Yeah.
199
00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:06,200
Uh, Latrell, this is Gavin.
200
00:09:06,240 --> 00:09:08,140
Gavin, this is Latrell.
This is my boyfriend.
201
00:09:08,170 --> 00:09:09,370
How you doing?
202
00:09:09,410 --> 00:09:11,210
I'm-- I'm--
I'm doing very well.
203
00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:13,980
How-- How are you doing,
Gavin-- Gavin?
204
00:09:14,010 --> 00:09:15,610
- Great. Want to go?
- Yeah.
205
00:09:15,650 --> 00:09:16,820
Nice to meet you.
206
00:09:16,850 --> 00:09:17,980
No, trust me.
It's not.
207
00:09:18,020 --> 00:09:19,480
- No?
- That's the guy.
208
00:09:19,520 --> 00:09:20,490
Oh.
209
00:09:20,520 --> 00:09:23,020
Oh...
I get it.
210
00:09:23,060 --> 00:09:25,330
I'm not persecuted.
I'm just a ass[bleep].
211
00:09:27,130 --> 00:09:28,960
Ah.
212
00:09:34,450 --> 00:09:36,780
Something that fascinates us
to no end
213
00:09:36,820 --> 00:09:37,880
are religious cults.
214
00:09:37,920 --> 00:09:39,220
Mm-hmm.
215
00:09:39,250 --> 00:09:40,740
They're crazy,
because that's job security
216
00:09:40,770 --> 00:09:41,670
for the leader...
217
00:09:41,790 --> 00:09:42,890
- Yes.
- No matter what.
218
00:09:42,920 --> 00:09:43,990
That's the best job
in the world.
219
00:09:44,030 --> 00:09:45,560
You make up all the rules
as you go,
220
00:09:45,590 --> 00:09:46,890
lots of ladies.
221
00:09:46,930 --> 00:09:50,260
"The Lord has declared
I get a backrub at 2:00."
222
00:09:50,300 --> 00:09:51,900
- All right.
- That's--
223
00:09:51,930 --> 00:09:53,830
I just-- You can do
anything you want.
224
00:09:53,870 --> 00:09:57,200
"We will now pass around
the communion of lemonheads."
225
00:09:57,240 --> 00:09:58,270
That's not--
226
00:10:00,410 --> 00:10:01,710
My concern with cults--
227
00:10:01,740 --> 00:10:04,940
if your messiah looks
more like Jesus than Jesus...
228
00:10:04,980 --> 00:10:07,350
Mm-hmm.
229
00:10:07,380 --> 00:10:09,250
put on the brakes.
230
00:10:09,280 --> 00:10:12,750
If your messiah smells
more like Jesus
231
00:10:12,790 --> 00:10:16,120
than Jesus...
232
00:10:16,160 --> 00:10:19,330
If your messiah looks like
that man right there...
233
00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:24,870
Ohm.
234
00:10:29,540 --> 00:10:32,410
Rick Nicklesby reporting live
from a gruesome scene.
235
00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:35,780
A cult known as Q.E.T.,
or Quest for Eternal Truth,
236
00:10:35,810 --> 00:10:38,910
has apparently taken their
own lives in a mass suicide.
237
00:10:38,950 --> 00:10:41,950
Police confirm that
cyanide-laced cherry Kool-Aid
238
00:10:41,980 --> 00:10:43,420
was also on the premises.
239
00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:45,890
Excuse me. Hi.
Rick Nicklesby, Channel 6.
240
00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:47,620
Hi. Are you two
from the neighborhood?
241
00:10:47,660 --> 00:10:49,360
- Yes.
- No.
242
00:10:49,390 --> 00:10:50,890
- No.
- Yes.
243
00:10:53,260 --> 00:10:55,560
Okay, were you two members
of the cult that lived here?
244
00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:56,730
The cul-- What cult?
245
00:10:56,760 --> 00:10:58,070
- What?
- Was this a cult right here?
246
00:10:58,100 --> 00:10:59,400
- Cult?
- I had no idea this was a cult.
247
00:10:59,430 --> 00:11:00,430
- No way.
- A cult?
248
00:11:00,470 --> 00:11:01,570
Although I will say,
249
00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:03,100
the term "cult"
is a little judgmental.
250
00:11:03,140 --> 00:11:04,410
I would say
the same thing, yeah.
251
00:11:04,440 --> 00:11:05,770
- Not knowing the full doctrine.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
252
00:11:05,810 --> 00:11:07,370
Well, apparently,
they believed that there was
253
00:11:07,410 --> 00:11:09,210
a spaceship waiting for them
behind the Moon.
254
00:11:09,240 --> 00:11:11,710
Okay, well, you know,
that still is really possible.
255
00:11:11,750 --> 00:11:13,080
- Not completely crazy.
- It's possible, right?
256
00:11:13,110 --> 00:11:15,050
I mean, who knows what is
out there in the universe?
257
00:11:15,080 --> 00:11:16,420
Anything could be
behind the Moon.
258
00:11:16,450 --> 00:11:17,950
Okay, well, it appears
they killed themselves
259
00:11:17,990 --> 00:11:19,390
in order to board the ship.
260
00:11:19,420 --> 00:11:20,890
Right, and that's where
we disagreed with them,
261
00:11:20,920 --> 00:11:22,060
right there,
or would have--
262
00:11:22,090 --> 00:11:23,760
we would have disagreed
with them
263
00:11:23,790 --> 00:11:25,430
had we been there
on our departure day--
264
00:11:25,460 --> 00:11:27,530
their departure day.
Their departure day!
265
00:11:27,560 --> 00:11:28,530
- Yeah.
- Which is the day
266
00:11:28,560 --> 00:11:30,200
that they did this.
267
00:11:30,230 --> 00:11:31,670
I mean, that's what you
could call it,
268
00:11:31,700 --> 00:11:33,300
if you wanted to--
I ain't in no cult.
269
00:11:33,340 --> 00:11:36,140
No, I mean, what I always
wondered is how--
270
00:11:36,170 --> 00:11:37,740
or am starting to wonder,
271
00:11:37,770 --> 00:11:40,340
since you brought this
to our attention--
272
00:11:40,380 --> 00:11:42,480
Why-- if there was a spaceship
in the sky,
273
00:11:42,510 --> 00:11:45,050
why wouldn't it just
beam us up-- beam them up?
274
00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:47,150
Right, just beam 'em--
just beam them up.
275
00:11:47,180 --> 00:11:48,550
Why can't you just
beam them up alive?
276
00:11:48,590 --> 00:11:50,220
Why you got to be dead
to get beamed up?
277
00:11:50,250 --> 00:11:51,100
You know what I'm saying?
278
00:11:51,150 --> 00:11:52,450
I've been saying that
for weeks-- seconds.
279
00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:54,960
For seconds, 'cause--
because you, Rick Nicklesby,
280
00:11:54,990 --> 00:11:57,190
you told us that,
you know,
281
00:11:57,230 --> 00:11:58,600
and that's how I knew,
because--
282
00:11:58,630 --> 00:12:00,000
- 15 seconds ago.
- 15 seconds ago, you said it.
283
00:12:00,030 --> 00:12:01,870
I didn't know anything about it
until you said it,
284
00:12:01,900 --> 00:12:03,070
'cause I ain't in no cult.
285
00:12:03,100 --> 00:12:05,000
Okay, then why would someone
join a cult?
286
00:12:05,040 --> 00:12:07,070
- Compelling leadership.
- Charismatic leader.
287
00:12:07,100 --> 00:12:08,770
Like, a compelling--
288
00:12:08,810 --> 00:12:10,370
- Taco Tuesdays.
- A person--
289
00:12:10,410 --> 00:12:11,740
- Taco Tuesdays.
- Taco Tuesdays.
290
00:12:11,780 --> 00:12:12,840
I mean, hypothetically,
291
00:12:12,880 --> 00:12:14,210
they could have had tacos
on Tuesday,
292
00:12:14,250 --> 00:12:15,210
which would have been a draw.
293
00:12:15,250 --> 00:12:16,210
I mean, that would have been
a plus.
294
00:12:16,250 --> 00:12:18,680
Okay, so this is
a tragic day
295
00:12:18,720 --> 00:12:19,980
for this community
296
00:12:20,020 --> 00:12:23,120
and for the members
of the Quest for Earthly Truth.
297
00:12:23,150 --> 00:12:26,090
I'm Rick Nicklesby reporting--
298
00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:27,460
Whoa.
299
00:12:27,490 --> 00:12:28,490
- You see?
- Yep.
300
00:12:28,530 --> 00:12:29,930
- You see?
- Uh-huh.
301
00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:32,030
Everybody jumped the gun.
302
00:12:32,060 --> 00:12:35,400
We're ready!
303
00:12:40,190 --> 00:12:42,690
Jordan and I lived together.
We lived together.
304
00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:44,850
Who was your landlord when
we lived in that apartment?
305
00:12:44,890 --> 00:12:45,920
My landlord?
Um...
306
00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:47,390
Did you ever meet
your landlord?
307
00:12:47,420 --> 00:12:48,790
- Russian lady.
- Some Russian lady.
308
00:12:48,820 --> 00:12:51,330
Some Russian lady.
Never saw her.
309
00:12:51,360 --> 00:12:53,490
But I love the way-- You always
say we were roommates for,
310
00:12:53,530 --> 00:12:55,730
uh, what, two months?
311
00:12:55,760 --> 00:12:57,370
About two months, yeah.
312
00:12:57,400 --> 00:12:59,800
We weren't roommates, though,
'cause I didn't get no rent.
313
00:13:01,570 --> 00:13:04,170
- Cleaning your bathroom...
- Yeah.
314
00:13:04,210 --> 00:13:05,910
is worth
about six months' rent.
315
00:13:05,940 --> 00:13:08,210
That's true.
316
00:13:10,580 --> 00:13:14,380
It's your landlord!
317
00:13:14,420 --> 00:13:16,180
Hey, Devon.
318
00:13:16,220 --> 00:13:18,220
Hey, how you doing, brother?
319
00:13:18,250 --> 00:13:19,250
How you doing?
Yeah.
320
00:13:19,290 --> 00:13:22,290
Just, uh, stopping by.
321
00:13:22,320 --> 00:13:25,960
Just wanted to check up
on everything.
322
00:13:27,660 --> 00:13:29,360
- Okay.
- Yeah-- Aha!
323
00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:32,530
You in here,
you little mother[bleep]?
324
00:13:32,570 --> 00:13:34,540
Nope.
325
00:13:34,570 --> 00:13:38,040
Closet look good.
326
00:13:38,070 --> 00:13:40,110
Door is strong.
327
00:13:40,140 --> 00:13:42,280
- So y'all settling in?
- Yeah.
328
00:13:42,310 --> 00:13:45,780
We've been living here
a year and a half, so we have.
329
00:13:45,810 --> 00:13:49,950
So, uh, how are these
cupboards working out for you?
330
00:13:49,980 --> 00:13:52,320
Man, nobody in here...
331
00:13:52,350 --> 00:13:54,120
besides your stuff,
which looks good.
332
00:13:54,150 --> 00:13:55,860
Thank you.
333
00:13:55,890 --> 00:13:57,960
Completely unrelated--
334
00:13:57,990 --> 00:14:01,790
Have y'all seen a 4'11" dude
with a purple beard up in here?
335
00:14:01,830 --> 00:14:02,930
No. No.
336
00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:05,400
No, no one's in here...
337
00:14:05,430 --> 00:14:07,730
probably because we lock
the door.
338
00:14:08,910 --> 00:14:12,060
Oh, he got the body
like a rat.
339
00:14:12,070 --> 00:14:14,870
He can just squeeze
through the vents.
340
00:14:14,910 --> 00:14:16,540
Yeah.
341
00:14:16,580 --> 00:14:18,580
So you think somebody's hiding
in my apartment?
342
00:14:18,610 --> 00:14:19,610
No.
343
00:14:19,650 --> 00:14:21,380
I told you--
344
00:14:21,410 --> 00:14:22,980
It's just a social call.
345
00:14:23,020 --> 00:14:24,750
I mean, why would Gerald be
in here, anyway?
346
00:14:24,780 --> 00:14:26,050
Gerald.
347
00:14:26,090 --> 00:14:28,550
There is a man
with a purple beard
348
00:14:28,590 --> 00:14:30,620
named Gerald in my apartment?
349
00:14:30,660 --> 00:14:31,860
Hell, no!
350
00:14:31,890 --> 00:14:33,890
Why?
Did you see him?
351
00:14:33,930 --> 00:14:35,560
He about 4'9",
got a purple beard.
352
00:14:35,600 --> 00:14:36,800
Yeah.
353
00:14:36,830 --> 00:14:38,400
Hey, baby--
354
00:14:38,430 --> 00:14:39,570
Ugh!
355
00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:41,100
This is-- Agh!
356
00:14:43,640 --> 00:14:45,100
Oh.
357
00:14:45,140 --> 00:14:47,040
Hey, baby girl.
358
00:14:47,070 --> 00:14:49,640
You ain't Gerald.
359
00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:53,010
Oh, by the by, have you seen
A 4'5" purple beard?
360
00:14:53,050 --> 00:14:54,310
Baby...
361
00:14:54,350 --> 00:14:56,480
Devon, what's going on?
362
00:14:56,520 --> 00:14:59,620
Okay, you know,
I'm gonna level with all y'all.
363
00:14:59,650 --> 00:15:03,220
There is a 4'3" [bleep]
with a purple beard named Gerald
364
00:15:03,260 --> 00:15:05,290
somewhere in this building.
365
00:15:05,330 --> 00:15:06,930
Why does he keep getting
smaller
366
00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:08,300
every time you mention him?
367
00:15:08,330 --> 00:15:09,560
Seriously?
368
00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:11,030
'cause I didn't want
to alarm y'all.
369
00:15:11,070 --> 00:15:14,370
He is disturbingly small,
really.
370
00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:15,640
He a good guy.
371
00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:17,340
He smoke rock, though.
372
00:15:17,370 --> 00:15:21,680
I mean, he'll do anything
to get money for crack.
373
00:15:21,710 --> 00:15:23,180
Anything.
374
00:15:23,210 --> 00:15:25,380
Okay.
375
00:15:25,410 --> 00:15:27,350
I mean anything.
376
00:15:27,380 --> 00:15:28,880
I get it.
377
00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:33,720
He will murder you.
378
00:15:33,760 --> 00:15:37,690
Well, we certainly hope
you find him.
379
00:15:37,730 --> 00:15:39,930
Oh, I'm gonna find him.
380
00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:41,630
Don't worry about that,
381
00:15:41,660 --> 00:15:43,530
'cause I'm gonna look low,
382
00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:45,730
and then
I'm gonna look high.
383
00:15:53,210 --> 00:15:56,210
Gerald,
you tiny little bitch!
384
00:15:56,240 --> 00:15:58,040
Sorry for the inconvenience,
y'all.
385
00:15:58,080 --> 00:16:02,180
Gerald, when I get my hands
in you, you gonna be 2'3"!
386
00:16:06,520 --> 00:16:08,220
Welcome to Metta World News.
387
00:16:08,250 --> 00:16:09,460
In science news,
388
00:16:09,490 --> 00:16:11,460
it is impossible
to knock yourself out
389
00:16:11,490 --> 00:16:13,890
with your own fists.
390
00:16:13,930 --> 00:16:16,160
Let's not fall behind,
America.
391
00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:18,400
Well, that wraps up
Metta World News
392
00:16:18,430 --> 00:16:19,470
for this Wednesday,
393
00:16:19,500 --> 00:16:20,970
Biscuit Biscuit Biscuit.
394
00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:22,570
I'm Metta World Peace.
395
00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:24,610
Good night.
396
00:16:30,590 --> 00:16:32,080
You win, fish.
397
00:16:32,440 --> 00:16:34,250
Now I'm the one
in the aquarium.
398
00:16:37,680 --> 00:16:39,180
How many dads
do we have here?
399
00:16:39,210 --> 00:16:40,810
A few dads?
400
00:16:40,850 --> 00:16:42,550
All right.
401
00:16:42,580 --> 00:16:44,150
The best thing
about being a father
402
00:16:44,180 --> 00:16:45,150
is the mother.
403
00:16:45,180 --> 00:16:46,280
- It's the mom.
- Right?
404
00:16:46,320 --> 00:16:47,290
It's the mother.
405
00:16:47,320 --> 00:16:48,420
Because of moms,
406
00:16:48,450 --> 00:16:50,490
dads have the default phrase,
right?
407
00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:52,890
What'd your mother say?
408
00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:54,260
I-- Well, I--
Yeah, I didn't ask her yet.
409
00:16:54,290 --> 00:16:56,060
That's why I came to you,
'cause--
410
00:16:56,100 --> 00:16:59,470
Don't do that.
411
00:16:59,500 --> 00:17:01,000
If the kid comes to the dad,
412
00:17:01,030 --> 00:17:02,600
the dad should already
just extrapolate
413
00:17:02,640 --> 00:17:04,300
that the mom
was gonna say no.
414
00:17:04,340 --> 00:17:06,670
'cause you know the dad's made
that mistake before
415
00:17:06,710 --> 00:17:08,070
and got the kid some [bleep],
416
00:17:08,110 --> 00:17:09,940
had to walk
into his wife's room,
417
00:17:09,980 --> 00:17:12,380
talking about...
418
00:17:15,380 --> 00:17:18,180
Slingshots?
419
00:17:18,220 --> 00:17:22,520
They had done
some Jedi mind tricks.
420
00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:26,090
They told me you said
they could have it.
421
00:17:26,130 --> 00:17:27,690
They used
the Jedi mind trick?
422
00:17:27,730 --> 00:17:29,360
They used
the Jedi mind trick, man.
423
00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:32,560
- You'll never have sex again.
- Aw, man.
424
00:17:35,670 --> 00:17:37,940
D-dad? Dad?
425
00:17:37,970 --> 00:17:41,440
Dad!
426
00:17:41,470 --> 00:17:42,910
Hey, what's wrong, man?
427
00:17:42,940 --> 00:17:44,510
I was having a nightmare.
428
00:17:44,540 --> 00:17:47,250
Oh, again?
429
00:17:49,980 --> 00:17:53,320
- What, you want to talk about it?
- I miss mommy.
430
00:17:54,690 --> 00:17:57,520
Hey, I know.
I know.
431
00:17:57,560 --> 00:17:59,890
It's-- Hey, me too.
Me too, pal.
432
00:18:01,230 --> 00:18:04,100
Come here, man.
433
00:18:04,130 --> 00:18:05,960
It's all right.
Hey, it's okay.
434
00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:08,900
It's gonna be okay.
Shh, shh, shh.
435
00:18:08,940 --> 00:18:11,900
I just don't want anything
to ever happen to you.
436
00:18:11,940 --> 00:18:13,270
Happen to me?
437
00:18:13,310 --> 00:18:16,370
Hey, come on, man, ain't nothing
ever gonna happen to me.
438
00:18:16,410 --> 00:18:18,980
Really?
439
00:18:19,010 --> 00:18:21,750
Y-Yeah.
That's what I said.
440
00:18:21,780 --> 00:18:23,210
So, yes.
441
00:18:23,250 --> 00:18:25,150
That, um, nothing ever gonna
happen to me.
442
00:18:25,180 --> 00:18:26,520
And you ain't never
gonna have to worry
443
00:18:26,550 --> 00:18:27,790
about nothing
happening to me.
444
00:18:27,820 --> 00:18:30,150
But-- But-- what if--
445
00:18:30,190 --> 00:18:32,340
what if you got hit by a car
or something?
446
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:37,600
That's impossible,
because I will never die,
447
00:18:37,630 --> 00:18:41,130
S-So I can't...
448
00:18:41,170 --> 00:18:42,870
die, no matter what.
449
00:18:42,900 --> 00:18:44,170
You can't die?
450
00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:47,170
But I thought
all human beings died.
451
00:18:49,910 --> 00:18:51,580
That's true.
That's true.
452
00:18:51,610 --> 00:18:53,710
That's science,
so that's true.
453
00:18:53,750 --> 00:18:58,520
But I am lucky,
'cause I am not a human.
454
00:18:58,550 --> 00:18:59,880
You're not?
455
00:19:01,150 --> 00:19:04,190
- I never told you about this?
- No.
456
00:19:04,220 --> 00:19:05,620
Hey, you know,
I'll just let it out.
457
00:19:05,660 --> 00:19:09,960
I'm from a planet called
L-La-- Thelonious,
458
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:12,300
and the thing is,
it was being destroyed.
459
00:19:12,330 --> 00:19:13,300
Okay.
460
00:19:13,330 --> 00:19:14,600
That's what happened.
461
00:19:14,630 --> 00:19:17,900
My-- was-- I was sent down
here in-- in--
462
00:19:17,940 --> 00:19:20,840
in a capsule to Earth
by my parents.
463
00:19:20,870 --> 00:19:23,140
Oh, like Superman.
464
00:19:23,180 --> 00:19:25,480
Superman, yep.
465
00:19:25,510 --> 00:19:28,850
That is what
it is exactly like, except--
466
00:19:28,880 --> 00:19:30,980
Oh, here's the thing
about my version.
467
00:19:31,020 --> 00:19:33,690
only one superpower--
immortality.
468
00:19:33,720 --> 00:19:35,320
- Oh.
- Yeah.
469
00:19:35,350 --> 00:19:36,450
So I'm tired.
470
00:19:36,490 --> 00:19:38,260
Daddy's tired.
471
00:19:38,290 --> 00:19:40,990
Can you--
Let's go to sleep, okay?
472
00:19:41,030 --> 00:19:43,330
But I'm not going to live
forever, right?
473
00:19:43,360 --> 00:19:45,400
Because I'm only half-alien.
474
00:19:48,530 --> 00:19:50,730
So I'm gonna die.
475
00:19:50,770 --> 00:19:52,670
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm,
mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
476
00:19:52,700 --> 00:19:54,640
You?
477
00:19:54,670 --> 00:19:58,410
You-- you right
about yourself, ex--
478
00:19:58,440 --> 00:19:59,410
but--
479
00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:01,240
Ha ha ha!
480
00:20:01,280 --> 00:20:02,410
Here it is.
481
00:20:02,450 --> 00:20:04,610
This one slipped my mind.
482
00:20:04,650 --> 00:20:07,980
You can build with me
483
00:20:08,020 --> 00:20:10,120
an immortality machine
484
00:20:10,150 --> 00:20:12,160
to give you what I got
485
00:20:12,190 --> 00:20:14,060
from the remnants
of my spacecraft.
486
00:20:14,090 --> 00:20:15,390
So, yeah.
487
00:20:15,430 --> 00:20:17,930
- Wow.
- You gonna be immortal.
488
00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:19,530
You gonna be immortal.
489
00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:22,430
Daddy, when are we gonna get
the remnants?
490
00:20:22,470 --> 00:20:24,200
- Tomorrow.
- Tomorrow?
491
00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:28,660
Gonna get them tomorrow
during work.
492
00:20:30,170 --> 00:20:32,140
Hey, you got anything
that looks like
493
00:20:32,180 --> 00:20:34,580
parts of a crashed spaceship?
494
00:20:34,610 --> 00:20:35,880
- Dead mom?
- Mm-hmm.
495
00:20:35,910 --> 00:20:39,010
Mm-hmm.
Right this way.
496
00:20:40,680 --> 00:20:42,550
Jordan--
So, Jordan, hey,
497
00:20:42,590 --> 00:20:45,250
you think we should say
good-bye?
498
00:20:45,290 --> 00:20:47,120
- What'd your mom say?
- Oh, jeez.
499
00:20:47,150 --> 00:20:49,220
Good night, everybody.
500
00:20:49,260 --> 00:20:52,960
- Good night.
- Whoo!
501
00:20:52,990 --> 00:20:55,960
♪ I'm gonna do
my one line here ♪
502
00:20:56,210 --> 00:20:57,630
Oh, yeah.
503
00:20:59,670 --> 00:21:02,630
Sync & corrections by dwigt
www.addic7ed.com
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