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1
00:00:00,065 --> 00:00:02,229
I want to know what's going on
with the huge woman,
2
00:00:02,264 --> 00:00:03,731
and I want to know
what the deal is
3
00:00:03,766 --> 00:00:05,066
- with the red witch lady.
- Yes.
4
00:00:05,100 --> 00:00:06,267
Yes.
Yes.
5
00:00:06,301 --> 00:00:07,569
I would too.
6
00:00:07,603 --> 00:00:09,103
You know what I'm saying?
7
00:00:09,137 --> 00:00:10,471
Straight out.
8
00:00:10,505 --> 00:00:12,006
No, but I mean, like,
have you?
9
00:00:12,041 --> 00:00:14,479
Have you-- have you ever
slept with a black guy?
10
00:00:14,497 --> 00:00:17,044
No, but I really want to.
11
00:00:17,079 --> 00:00:18,712
Me too!
12
00:00:18,746 --> 00:00:20,981
Apparently, it is, like,
13
00:00:21,015 --> 00:00:24,085
a whole other thing
than sleeping with white men.
14
00:00:24,119 --> 00:00:25,219
Oh, no, no.
15
00:00:25,253 --> 00:00:26,387
I heard they're
supposed to be, like,
16
00:00:26,421 --> 00:00:28,155
way better at it
or something.
17
00:00:28,190 --> 00:00:30,958
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I heard that too.
18
00:00:30,992 --> 00:00:32,460
I wonder if it's
'cause they have,
19
00:00:32,494 --> 00:00:34,761
like-- like, better rhythm,
you know?
20
00:00:34,796 --> 00:00:36,730
Right, 'cause
they're really good dancers.
21
00:00:36,764 --> 00:00:41,902
I mean, apparently,
they have, like, bigger--
22
00:00:41,936 --> 00:00:44,304
Oh, way bigger penises, right?
23
00:00:44,338 --> 00:00:45,438
Yeah.
24
00:00:45,473 --> 00:00:47,140
I guess that's
because of Africa?
25
00:00:47,174 --> 00:00:49,442
Yeah, like,
I feel like they're just--
26
00:00:49,477 --> 00:00:51,211
they're, like, really
with you in the moment.
27
00:00:51,245 --> 00:00:52,312
Hmm.
28
00:00:52,346 --> 00:00:53,513
Like, if they're gonna
be with you,
29
00:00:53,547 --> 00:00:54,747
they're in the here and now.
30
00:00:54,781 --> 00:00:57,016
Exactly. Exactly.
31
00:00:57,050 --> 00:01:00,220
Because they know that
they basically have no future.
32
00:01:00,254 --> 00:01:01,421
I know.
33
00:01:01,455 --> 00:01:02,589
- Think about it.
- It's so sad.
34
00:01:02,623 --> 00:01:05,291
Think about it!
35
00:01:05,326 --> 00:01:07,426
I do feel like they treat
their women with just, like,
36
00:01:07,460 --> 00:01:10,129
a little bit
more compassion, though.
37
00:01:10,163 --> 00:01:11,597
Yeah,
like, respect and stuff.
38
00:01:11,632 --> 00:01:15,367
Oh, because their dads
were never around!
39
00:01:15,401 --> 00:01:19,438
Oh, right, and they also have
a lot of time on their hands
40
00:01:19,472 --> 00:01:22,108
'cause even if they have kids,
they never go visit them.
41
00:01:22,142 --> 00:01:24,443
Oh, please. Totally.
Baby daddy?
42
00:01:24,477 --> 00:01:25,810
- That's a thing.
- Oh.
43
00:01:25,845 --> 00:01:28,747
That's in the dictionary now
because of black people.
44
00:01:28,781 --> 00:01:31,517
See?
Ser-i-ou-sly.
45
00:01:31,551 --> 00:01:36,188
Apparently, black guys just know
how to please white women.
46
00:01:36,222 --> 00:01:38,290
Right? Just, like,
way more than white men.
47
00:01:38,324 --> 00:01:41,392
Oh, well, it's probably
in their blood
48
00:01:41,426 --> 00:01:43,161
'cause they're used
to pleasing their white masters.
49
00:01:43,195 --> 00:01:44,896
Whaaat?
50
00:01:44,930 --> 00:01:46,164
- Okay. Okay.
- Yeah!
51
00:01:46,198 --> 00:01:47,331
- Law of the jungle, right?
- Totally.
52
00:01:47,366 --> 00:01:49,367
I am so desperate
to find out for myself.
53
00:01:49,401 --> 00:01:51,569
Me too.
54
00:01:51,603 --> 00:01:53,838
- Right?
55
00:01:53,873 --> 00:01:57,107
- Okay, um, I'm gonna
go to the bathroom...
56
00:01:57,142 --> 00:01:58,576
Okay.
57
00:01:58,610 --> 00:01:59,943
And I swear to you,
58
00:01:59,978 --> 00:02:02,180
if there is a black guy back there,
I'm gonna blow him.
59
00:02:02,214 --> 00:02:04,748
Get it!
60
00:02:09,888 --> 00:02:13,423
So, unrelated, I now
have to go to the bathroom,
61
00:02:13,457 --> 00:02:16,226
uh, because I've been
drinking coffee all day.
62
00:02:16,260 --> 00:02:19,329
So I will be back
in a little while.
63
00:02:19,363 --> 00:02:20,664
Well, you know what?
Let-- Let me go first.
64
00:02:20,699 --> 00:02:25,335
I'll be about 30 seconds.
65
00:02:28,372 --> 00:02:31,708
Ooh, ow.
I hit my penis there.
66
00:02:31,742 --> 00:02:33,510
I'm sorry.
I don't have any money, sir.
67
00:02:33,544 --> 00:02:35,712
Okay.
68
00:02:51,339 --> 00:02:55,020
Sync & corrections by dwigt
www.addic7ed.com
69
00:03:01,171 --> 00:03:02,671
Hey!
70
00:03:06,443 --> 00:03:08,777
Thank you so much.
I am Keegan-Michael Key.
71
00:03:08,811 --> 00:03:10,579
- I'm Jordan Peele.
- And we are Key and Peele.
72
00:03:10,613 --> 00:03:11,647
Yes.
73
00:03:11,681 --> 00:03:13,049
Thank you for coming out
tonight.
74
00:03:13,083 --> 00:03:14,316
Thank you.
75
00:03:14,351 --> 00:03:16,585
So this is
a little-known fact.
76
00:03:16,619 --> 00:03:19,454
Keegan's wife
is a dialect coach.
77
00:03:19,488 --> 00:03:20,989
Yes, it's a source
of ambivalence for me
78
00:03:21,024 --> 00:03:22,558
because I want her
to have her job
79
00:03:22,592 --> 00:03:23,759
and I want her to thrive,
80
00:03:23,793 --> 00:03:24,993
but there's just a bunch
of British people
81
00:03:25,028 --> 00:03:26,294
just coming through my house,
82
00:03:26,328 --> 00:03:28,196
learning American accents
and taking all our jobs.
83
00:03:28,630 --> 00:03:30,265
So I'm just standing
in the living room,
84
00:03:30,299 --> 00:03:31,433
and these dudes are walking
about like, "Cheerio."
85
00:03:31,467 --> 00:03:33,468
"Yeah, [bleep] you."
86
00:03:33,502 --> 00:03:35,670
- Tea bag.
- Right.
87
00:03:35,704 --> 00:03:37,137
But all right, I want to--
I'm gonna throw you
88
00:03:37,172 --> 00:03:39,373
through a little bit
of a wheel of accents.
89
00:03:39,407 --> 00:03:40,741
- Just give you a little test.
- The wheel of accents.
90
00:03:40,776 --> 00:03:43,611
Italian!
91
00:03:43,645 --> 00:03:44,745
Oh, Italian.
92
00:03:44,780 --> 00:03:46,347
It's the-- is the one
for me to do.
93
00:03:46,381 --> 00:03:47,548
Yeah. German!
94
00:03:47,583 --> 00:03:51,285
The German is very exact.
95
00:03:51,319 --> 00:03:53,120
- Cockney.
- Cockney's, like, down here,
96
00:03:53,154 --> 00:03:54,488
and it's with the back
of your "froat."
97
00:03:54,522 --> 00:03:55,722
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
98
00:03:55,756 --> 00:03:57,691
You guys must have
some crazy role-play sex.
99
00:03:57,725 --> 00:04:00,294
We do. Yeah.
100
00:04:00,328 --> 00:04:01,795
Just give me an Australian.
101
00:04:01,829 --> 00:04:03,130
All right, I can do it.
102
00:04:03,164 --> 00:04:04,398
Yes, yes.
103
00:04:04,432 --> 00:04:06,000
I can go Jamaican as well.
104
00:04:06,034 --> 00:04:07,534
Oh, that's even better!
That's even better!
105
00:04:07,568 --> 00:04:09,669
I can be a Jamaican.
Okay.
106
00:04:10,905 --> 00:04:12,405
Where do you want me from?
Oh, there it is.
107
00:04:12,439 --> 00:04:13,874
Where do you want me
to be from?
108
00:04:13,908 --> 00:04:15,742
- Oh, anywhere but you.
- Okay.
109
00:04:15,776 --> 00:04:18,512
Just anywhere--
110
00:04:18,546 --> 00:04:21,114
Can-- Can you do two black guys
at a time?
111
00:04:21,148 --> 00:04:22,516
Can you just give me two?
112
00:04:25,986 --> 00:04:28,221
You sold me out, son.
113
00:04:28,255 --> 00:04:31,124
Now you gonna end up with
a bullet in your head for it.
114
00:04:31,158 --> 00:04:34,427
You can't play me,
mother[bleep].
115
00:04:34,461 --> 00:04:37,897
I'm the mother[bleep]
that plays mother[bleep]s,
116
00:04:37,931 --> 00:04:40,366
Mother[bleep].
117
00:04:40,401 --> 00:04:43,101
Cut.
118
00:04:44,270 --> 00:04:45,538
All right, everybody,
let's get reset.
119
00:04:45,572 --> 00:04:47,740
We're going again.
120
00:04:47,774 --> 00:04:48,974
Nigel, that's great.
121
00:04:49,009 --> 00:04:50,475
Oh, grea-- smashing.
122
00:04:50,510 --> 00:04:51,877
Thank you so much.
Yeah.
123
00:04:51,912 --> 00:04:54,613
Top-- Well, it's been
an absolute honor and--
124
00:04:54,648 --> 00:04:56,649
and what a great opportunity
to be here
125
00:04:56,683 --> 00:04:58,716
and be able
to play an American tough.
126
00:04:58,751 --> 00:04:59,984
Well, I'm just so glad
127
00:05:00,019 --> 00:05:01,386
that we got you
out of that BBC commitment
128
00:05:01,421 --> 00:05:02,421
so you could play with us, so.
129
00:05:02,455 --> 00:05:04,356
Cheers, mate.
Cheers, cheers.
130
00:05:04,390 --> 00:05:05,623
Antoine, listen.
131
00:05:05,658 --> 00:05:06,891
I'm just not buying
that you're someone
132
00:05:06,926 --> 00:05:10,362
that was born and raised
on the streets of Brooklyn.
133
00:05:10,396 --> 00:05:13,698
That's weird, 'cause, uh,
I actually was born and raised
134
00:05:13,732 --> 00:05:15,066
on the streets of Brooklyn.
135
00:05:15,100 --> 00:05:16,333
Oh.
136
00:05:16,368 --> 00:05:17,835
Oh.
137
00:05:17,870 --> 00:05:19,336
I was in a gang
and everything.
138
00:05:19,371 --> 00:05:21,973
Most of this stuff
actually happened to me.
139
00:05:22,007 --> 00:05:24,075
Wow. Okay.
Well, that's-- that's--
140
00:05:24,109 --> 00:05:26,510
that's great for us,
'cause I want you to use it.
141
00:05:26,545 --> 00:05:27,712
Okay?
142
00:05:27,746 --> 00:05:29,080
It's a good first take.
Let's just, uh--
143
00:05:29,114 --> 00:05:30,414
- Mm-hmm.
- Let's get going it.
144
00:05:30,449 --> 00:05:31,582
Let's get--
Let's get going.
145
00:05:31,616 --> 00:05:33,217
Thank you, Jim.
146
00:05:33,251 --> 00:05:37,955
Scene five, take two.
147
00:05:37,989 --> 00:05:41,758
- And action.
- You sold me out, son.
148
00:05:41,793 --> 00:05:44,661
Now you gonna end up with
a bullet in your head for it.
149
00:05:44,696 --> 00:05:49,532
You can't play me,
mother[bleep].
150
00:05:49,567 --> 00:05:53,070
I'm the mother[bleep]
that plays mother[bleep]s,
151
00:05:53,104 --> 00:05:55,338
Mother[bleep].
152
00:05:58,175 --> 00:05:59,843
Cut. Cut.
153
00:05:59,877 --> 00:06:01,745
Okay.
154
00:06:01,779 --> 00:06:03,146
Uh, Nigel.
That was great.
155
00:06:03,180 --> 00:06:04,447
- Oh.
- Brilliant.
156
00:06:04,482 --> 00:06:07,417
Just, the way you move,
especially when you talk.
157
00:06:07,451 --> 00:06:09,586
I just really see this character
coming to life before my eyes.
158
00:06:09,620 --> 00:06:10,853
- Cheers, mate.
- It's fabulous.
159
00:06:10,887 --> 00:06:12,422
- Cheers.
- It's fabulous.
160
00:06:12,456 --> 00:06:14,557
Antoine,
your performance, um,
161
00:06:14,592 --> 00:06:17,594
It's just not quite
there yet, okay?
162
00:06:17,628 --> 00:06:19,829
I-I really need to see you
163
00:06:19,863 --> 00:06:22,498
make more
of a transformation, okay?
164
00:06:22,532 --> 00:06:25,701
Like-- like Nigel, here.
165
00:06:25,736 --> 00:06:28,303
- That dude's British, so.
- Yeah.
166
00:06:28,338 --> 00:06:30,640
Antoine, if I might jump in
with a bit of advice?
167
00:06:30,674 --> 00:06:32,608
- I don't think I need that.
- No, no, no.
168
00:06:32,643 --> 00:06:33,843
Look.
Hear him out.
169
00:06:33,877 --> 00:06:36,411
Maybe you might want to try
170
00:06:36,446 --> 00:06:38,113
thinking of something
in the material
171
00:06:38,148 --> 00:06:39,381
that's similar to something
172
00:06:39,415 --> 00:06:40,682
that's happened
in your real life.
173
00:06:40,716 --> 00:06:43,285
- Hmm.
- For me, for instance,
174
00:06:43,319 --> 00:06:45,554
I like to think
of when me mum wanted me
175
00:06:45,588 --> 00:06:48,290
to attend prep school in Leeds
to become a barrister,
176
00:06:48,324 --> 00:06:50,292
but I wanted to study
the theater at Oxford.
177
00:06:50,326 --> 00:06:51,693
Thank God.
178
00:06:51,727 --> 00:06:53,227
And so that was a conundrum,
really, for me.
179
00:06:54,563 --> 00:06:56,064
I'm gonna stop you
right-- right there,
180
00:06:56,098 --> 00:06:59,367
'cause this is
just confusing me, right?
181
00:06:59,401 --> 00:07:02,403
Like, I don't need that,
'cause I am from the streets.
182
00:07:02,437 --> 00:07:05,173
I was in a gang.
183
00:07:05,207 --> 00:07:08,609
They told me
to kill my cousin.
184
00:07:10,186 --> 00:07:13,013
That might be
a bit spot-on, no?
185
00:07:13,048 --> 00:07:14,649
Yeah.
That's a bit spot-on.
186
00:07:14,683 --> 00:07:18,486
Do you have any stories
that involve your mum?
187
00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:20,154
What's a mum?
188
00:07:20,189 --> 00:07:21,855
Oh, dear.
189
00:07:21,890 --> 00:07:23,658
Scene five, take three.
190
00:07:23,692 --> 00:07:25,526
Okay.
191
00:07:25,561 --> 00:07:28,162
Antoine, remember.
You're a gangster!
192
00:07:28,196 --> 00:07:32,099
Okay?
Betrayal, the streets.
193
00:07:32,133 --> 00:07:33,967
Okay?
Nigel, you're perfect.
194
00:07:34,002 --> 00:07:36,870
Antoine, transform,
and action!
195
00:07:36,905 --> 00:07:39,606
You sold me out, son.
196
00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:43,543
Now you gonna get a bullet
up in your head for it.
197
00:07:43,578 --> 00:07:47,514
You can't play me,
mother[bleep].
198
00:07:47,548 --> 00:07:50,950
I'm the mother[bleep]
that plays mother[bleep]s,
199
00:07:50,984 --> 00:07:52,352
Mother[bleep].
200
00:07:52,386 --> 00:07:54,688
He's boring to watch.
201
00:07:54,722 --> 00:07:56,456
Cut.
202
00:07:57,858 --> 00:08:00,593
Oh, that does not
sound good.
203
00:08:00,627 --> 00:08:01,861
Thank you.
204
00:08:01,895 --> 00:08:05,865
Antoine, I do not feel
like you have found
205
00:08:05,899 --> 00:08:08,267
the emotional core
of this character.
206
00:08:08,301 --> 00:08:09,902
Man, [bleep] this!
207
00:08:09,937 --> 00:08:12,571
Nobody is more real than me.
Okay?
208
00:08:12,606 --> 00:08:15,341
I come from the streets,
and nobody's gonna tell me
209
00:08:15,375 --> 00:08:17,042
what the streets is like--
nobody!
210
00:08:17,076 --> 00:08:20,178
You understand?
211
00:08:20,213 --> 00:08:22,548
That's a great speech.
I just wish that I believed it.
212
00:08:22,582 --> 00:08:24,683
- You want to give it a shot?
- Sure. I'll have a go.
213
00:08:24,718 --> 00:08:26,485
Man, [bleep] this.
214
00:08:26,519 --> 00:08:28,254
- I'm as real as it gets.
- Yes.
215
00:08:28,288 --> 00:08:29,988
This [bleep] streets
is for real.
216
00:08:30,022 --> 00:08:31,323
I'm up in there, man.
217
00:08:31,358 --> 00:08:33,225
- You are.
- I'm [bleep] from the--
218
00:08:33,259 --> 00:08:36,128
from the [bleep]-- from the earth
from these streets.
219
00:08:36,162 --> 00:08:37,796
- from the eart--
- S-Something to that effect.
220
00:08:37,830 --> 00:08:39,264
That is--
No, but I am so with--
221
00:08:39,298 --> 00:08:40,766
I am with you
when you say that,
222
00:08:40,800 --> 00:08:42,868
even when you're
saying the wrong words.
223
00:08:42,902 --> 00:08:45,637
I just wish
you could do that!
224
00:08:45,671 --> 00:08:47,005
You know what?
225
00:08:47,039 --> 00:08:49,607
Goodness.
226
00:08:51,610 --> 00:08:54,712
Okay, that hurts,
but I don't feel that it comes
227
00:08:54,747 --> 00:08:57,649
from the right emotional place
for the character.
228
00:08:57,683 --> 00:08:58,949
All right?
Here. Give it a shot.
229
00:08:58,984 --> 00:09:01,218
Give me-- Watch.
Watch.
230
00:09:02,721 --> 00:09:04,855
That's-- That's great.
231
00:09:04,890 --> 00:09:06,891
- I feel that in here...
- Thank you.
232
00:09:06,925 --> 00:09:08,225
- And in here, in my heart.
233
00:09:08,260 --> 00:09:09,459
That's very gracious of you
to say that.
234
00:09:09,494 --> 00:09:10,594
Try that again.
235
00:09:11,997 --> 00:09:13,964
I just-- I don't--
236
00:09:13,999 --> 00:09:15,866
I don't believe you.
237
00:09:20,830 --> 00:09:22,532
You guys are familiar
with vanity videos, right?
238
00:09:22,566 --> 00:09:24,767
People who, like,
spend all of their money--
239
00:09:24,801 --> 00:09:26,835
all of their money--
to make a video
240
00:09:26,870 --> 00:09:29,004
in the hopes that someone--
I don't know who--
241
00:09:29,039 --> 00:09:31,306
is gonna discover them
on the Internet and go,
242
00:09:31,340 --> 00:09:33,241
- "This guy's got the goods!"
- Yeah!
243
00:09:33,276 --> 00:09:35,044
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
"I'm gonna make you famous!"
244
00:09:35,078 --> 00:09:36,545
"You got raw talent,"
and it's always--
245
00:09:36,580 --> 00:09:38,747
it's always some kind
of, like--
246
00:09:38,782 --> 00:09:40,783
some convoluted plot
that's like...
247
00:09:40,817 --> 00:09:42,551
- Yeah.
- Part one of a ten-part series.
248
00:09:42,586 --> 00:09:43,986
It's never gonna get finished.
249
00:09:44,020 --> 00:09:46,288
And it's always, like--
250
00:09:46,322 --> 00:09:48,523
It always looks something
like Game of Thrones.
251
00:09:48,558 --> 00:09:49,591
- Yes.
- Always.
252
00:09:49,625 --> 00:09:50,892
It's got, like...
253
00:09:50,926 --> 00:09:52,427
- It's just always...
- Wizards with orbs.
254
00:09:52,462 --> 00:09:53,562
Wizards in it and orbs.
255
00:09:53,596 --> 00:09:54,862
These homemade videos.
256
00:09:54,897 --> 00:09:57,399
It's always like this
fantasy, glam, like...
257
00:09:57,433 --> 00:09:58,800
It's just--
like, they're weird.
258
00:09:58,834 --> 00:10:01,002
- Steampunk [bleep].
- Yeah.
259
00:10:01,036 --> 00:10:03,004
Do we have any--
any steampunks here today?
260
00:10:03,038 --> 00:10:04,939
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
261
00:10:04,974 --> 00:10:08,109
You don't have your, uh,
umbrella with you today, sir.
262
00:10:09,678 --> 00:10:11,212
There's not a lot
of black steampunks out there.
263
00:10:11,246 --> 00:10:12,614
- No.
- Not a lot of--
264
00:10:12,648 --> 00:10:14,315
Ah, dudes talking about,
"Hey, man."
265
00:10:14,349 --> 00:10:15,650
Yeah.
266
00:10:15,684 --> 00:10:17,151
"I'm just representing
Jules Verne
267
00:10:17,185 --> 00:10:19,920
"in the mother[bleep]."
268
00:10:26,995 --> 00:10:29,796
♪ There's a light
269
00:10:29,831 --> 00:10:31,665
♪ And it shines
within the darkness ♪
270
00:10:31,699 --> 00:10:35,201
♪ Of the sands of time,
The sands of time ♪
271
00:10:35,236 --> 00:10:37,870
♪ There's a fight
272
00:10:37,905 --> 00:10:41,274
♪ But the battle to be won
is with the man inside ♪
273
00:10:41,308 --> 00:10:43,443
♪ The man inside
274
00:10:43,477 --> 00:10:47,313
♪ No valley, no ocean
275
00:10:47,348 --> 00:10:51,183
♪ Can stop my devotion
276
00:10:52,886 --> 00:10:56,822
♪ Nothing will keep me
from getting to you ♪
277
00:10:56,857 --> 00:11:00,259
♪ Flying high,
to the limit ♪
278
00:11:00,293 --> 00:11:01,594
♪ Never wondering
279
00:11:01,628 --> 00:11:04,830
♪ How I touch the sky,
Touch the sky ♪
280
00:11:04,865 --> 00:11:07,599
♪ Like a dream
281
00:11:07,633 --> 00:11:09,268
♪ You can never
tell the lies ♪
282
00:11:09,302 --> 00:11:11,703
♪ From what's exactly
as it seems ♪
283
00:11:11,737 --> 00:11:14,173
♪ In the rhythm, I believe
284
00:11:14,207 --> 00:11:18,777
♪ Is the power of wings
285
00:11:18,811 --> 00:11:21,080
♪ There's a fire
286
00:11:22,582 --> 00:11:24,983
♪ And it burns the deepest
fathoms of the Seven Seas ♪
287
00:11:25,017 --> 00:11:26,918
♪ The Seven Seas
288
00:11:26,953 --> 00:11:29,487
♪ True desire
289
00:11:29,521 --> 00:11:31,155
♪ Let the music in your heart
290
00:11:31,190 --> 00:11:33,692
♪ Give way to the things
that you believe ♪
291
00:11:33,726 --> 00:11:34,960
♪ Anything you can achieve
292
00:11:34,994 --> 00:11:38,196
♪ Flying high,
to the limit ♪
293
00:11:38,230 --> 00:11:39,397
♪ Never wondering
294
00:11:39,431 --> 00:11:42,967
♪ How I kiss the clouds
295
00:11:43,001 --> 00:11:44,268
♪ Like a dream
296
00:11:45,737 --> 00:11:47,371
♪ You can never
tell the lies ♪
297
00:11:47,406 --> 00:11:49,807
♪ From what's exactly
as it seems ♪
298
00:11:49,841 --> 00:11:52,076
♪ In the rhythm,
I believe ♪
299
00:11:52,111 --> 00:11:58,082
♪ Is the power of wings
300
00:11:58,116 --> 00:12:01,485
♪ Anything is achievable
301
00:12:01,519 --> 00:12:04,822
♪ Don't let nobody
tear you down ♪
302
00:12:04,856 --> 00:12:06,090
♪ Sexually
303
00:12:06,124 --> 00:12:08,993
♪ Just take flight,
it's believable ♪
304
00:12:09,027 --> 00:12:14,897
♪ If you first learn
to stand your ground ♪
305
00:12:14,932 --> 00:12:18,235
♪ Flying high,
to the limit ♪
306
00:12:18,269 --> 00:12:19,302
♪ Never wondering
307
00:12:19,337 --> 00:12:22,905
♪ How I touch the sky
308
00:12:22,940 --> 00:12:25,842
♪ Like a dream
309
00:12:25,876 --> 00:12:27,477
♪ You can never
tell the lies ♪
310
00:12:27,512 --> 00:12:32,548
♪ From what's exactly
as it seems ♪
311
00:12:32,582 --> 00:12:36,218
♪ Within the rhythms,
I believe ♪
312
00:12:36,253 --> 00:12:38,420
♪ Is the power
313
00:12:38,455 --> 00:12:40,123
♪ of wings
314
00:12:46,196 --> 00:12:48,064
Don't stop pulling.
Never stop.
315
00:12:48,098 --> 00:12:49,332
Keep on pulling.
316
00:12:49,366 --> 00:12:50,666
Don't stop walking.
317
00:12:50,700 --> 00:12:53,502
Keep on walking.
Don't stop walking.
318
00:12:53,536 --> 00:12:55,637
Oh, my God.
Jahar, my friend.
319
00:12:55,672 --> 00:12:57,073
Yes, Rajim?
320
00:12:57,199 --> 00:13:01,195
We are a long way
from h-h-h-home.
321
00:13:04,246 --> 00:13:06,381
Every American woman
is more infidel
322
00:13:06,415 --> 00:13:08,083
- than the last, my friend.
- You're telling me.
323
00:13:08,117 --> 00:13:09,518
You're telling me,
my good friend, yes.
324
00:13:09,552 --> 00:13:11,587
Oh, there's a 9:00.
9:00. Here she comes.
325
00:13:13,389 --> 00:13:16,091
- Mm-blip.
- Shabloim!
326
00:13:16,125 --> 00:13:17,258
Okay.
327
00:13:17,293 --> 00:13:19,060
Come on.
Full-frontal face.
328
00:13:19,095 --> 00:13:22,063
- Only in America, baby.
- Only, only, only.
329
00:13:22,098 --> 00:13:23,764
- Only in America, huh?
- Come on, grab it.
330
00:13:23,799 --> 00:13:24,966
- What did you see?
- I want to grab--
331
00:13:25,001 --> 00:13:26,468
- What?
- I'm grabbing it.
332
00:13:26,502 --> 00:13:29,304
This is yours,
and then that is yours.
333
00:13:29,338 --> 00:13:30,872
What did you see?
What did you see?
334
00:13:30,906 --> 00:13:32,240
- I'll tell you what I saw.
- What?
335
00:13:32,274 --> 00:13:33,608
- I got to see her forearms.
- You got?
336
00:13:33,642 --> 00:13:35,377
- A little bit of the thigh.
- Yes. Oh, I saw this.
337
00:13:35,411 --> 00:13:37,077
And I definitely
got some ankle knot.
338
00:13:37,112 --> 00:13:38,846
- You got ankle knot?
- Oh, I got ankle knot.
339
00:13:38,881 --> 00:13:42,316
Oh, the w-w-whole
baba ghanoush, huh?
340
00:13:42,350 --> 00:13:43,651
You're telling me.
341
00:13:43,685 --> 00:13:45,319
It's like we've got
the X-ray visions.
342
00:13:45,353 --> 00:13:47,187
We are Superman.
We are Superman, huh?
343
00:13:47,222 --> 00:13:48,422
Oh!
Shh. Here we go.
344
00:13:48,456 --> 00:13:50,190
Here we go.
Here we go.
345
00:13:50,225 --> 00:13:51,792
Here we go, yeah.
346
00:13:53,895 --> 00:13:56,596
H-h-h-holy tabbouleh.
347
00:13:56,631 --> 00:13:58,432
Would you look
at the leg elbows on that one?
348
00:13:58,466 --> 00:14:00,467
- Mm-hmm.
- Whoo!
349
00:14:00,501 --> 00:14:02,335
I'll tell you what.
Ho, ho, ho!
350
00:14:02,369 --> 00:14:03,703
Ho, ho, ho!
351
00:14:03,738 --> 00:14:08,041
What I wouldn't do
for six seconds with her.
352
00:14:08,075 --> 00:14:10,043
Yes, you would!
Yes, you would!
353
00:14:10,077 --> 00:14:11,311
What would you do?
354
00:14:11,345 --> 00:14:12,511
I'm going to show you
right now.
355
00:14:12,546 --> 00:14:13,546
You're gonna show me?
356
00:14:13,580 --> 00:14:15,114
Spot me!
You got to spot me.
357
00:14:15,149 --> 00:14:16,349
Yes, I am here.
I am here.
358
00:14:16,383 --> 00:14:17,550
Let me tell you
what I would do right now.
359
00:14:17,584 --> 00:14:19,919
I would pump her full of iron,
you know,
360
00:14:19,954 --> 00:14:21,620
and then I would lift her
to the ceiling.
361
00:14:21,655 --> 00:14:23,256
- I'm her.
- Lift her to the ceiling.
362
00:14:23,290 --> 00:14:24,390
- I'm her.
- Working the body.
363
00:14:24,425 --> 00:14:25,658
Working the body.
Working the body.
364
00:14:25,692 --> 00:14:26,959
- Working the body.
- Do it the head.
365
00:14:26,993 --> 00:14:28,661
- Give it to the head.
- Get the head, get the head.
366
00:14:28,695 --> 00:14:30,028
- And you give it to the head.
- Ho! Ho! Belly button.
367
00:14:30,063 --> 00:14:32,397
- Belly button.
- We got belly button.
368
00:14:32,432 --> 00:14:34,500
- Dude, we got belly button.
- Oh, my-- Oh, my God.
369
00:14:42,875 --> 00:14:44,509
That's belly button,
my friend.
370
00:14:44,543 --> 00:14:46,044
I couldn't believe
we saw the belly button.
371
00:14:46,079 --> 00:14:47,545
I've never seen the belly button
on a woman before.
372
00:14:47,580 --> 00:14:49,348
I thought it was a myth.
373
00:14:49,382 --> 00:14:51,616
Yes, it's like the butthole
of the belly.
374
00:14:51,650 --> 00:14:52,617
- Mm.
- Mm.
375
00:14:52,651 --> 00:14:54,552
Dig this.
376
00:14:54,587 --> 00:14:56,888
Oh, what I wouldn't do for a--
give me the--
377
00:14:56,922 --> 00:14:58,190
- Show me.
- Give me the ball.
378
00:14:58,224 --> 00:14:59,524
- Show me, show me.
- Give me the ball.
379
00:14:59,558 --> 00:15:00,558
- Show me, show me.
- I'm gonna show you right now.
380
00:15:00,593 --> 00:15:02,026
I'm gonna show it to you
right now.
381
00:15:02,060 --> 00:15:04,161
- What you do? I'm ready.
- I get in here.
382
00:15:04,196 --> 00:15:05,262
- I'm ready.
- And then like this and go--
383
00:15:05,297 --> 00:15:06,464
Ho!
Come on, it feel good.
384
00:15:06,499 --> 00:15:07,632
I get over here
and then I get in there.
385
00:15:07,666 --> 00:15:08,766
- Oh, yeah!
- Grab the hair.
386
00:15:08,801 --> 00:15:10,034
I get into it.
I get into it!
387
00:15:10,068 --> 00:15:11,536
- Hold the hair.
- Hold the hair.
388
00:15:11,570 --> 00:15:13,437
Come on, switch.
Switch positions.
389
00:15:13,472 --> 00:15:14,806
- Let's do it.
- I'm gonna grab your hands.
390
00:15:14,840 --> 00:15:17,041
- Lock 'em on.
- ♪ I will show you the world
391
00:15:17,075 --> 00:15:18,609
♪ Shining, shimmering,
splendid ♪
392
00:15:18,643 --> 00:15:20,144
♪ Don't you dare
close your eyes ♪
393
00:15:20,178 --> 00:15:21,645
Yes, princess, yes.
394
00:15:21,679 --> 00:15:24,815
Ah. Ooh.
Infidels.
395
00:15:24,849 --> 00:15:27,584
Homosexual American devils.
396
00:15:27,619 --> 00:15:29,253
Give them the whistle
of disapproval.
397
00:15:29,287 --> 00:15:30,888
I will right now.
398
00:15:32,423 --> 00:15:33,991
- That is my boy.
- That should teach them.
399
00:15:34,025 --> 00:15:35,559
That is my boy, huh?
400
00:15:38,171 --> 00:15:39,571
Pawn shops
are an interesting place.
401
00:15:39,605 --> 00:15:41,439
Anybody who's ever--
here's ever been to a pawn shop?
402
00:15:44,044 --> 00:15:49,281
That is a motley crew
of-- of items.
403
00:15:49,315 --> 00:15:50,649
Yes.
404
00:15:50,683 --> 00:15:52,450
I mean, what do I want
when I walk into a pawn shop?
405
00:15:52,485 --> 00:15:55,654
I'll take that dartboard,
that spittoon,
406
00:15:56,623 --> 00:15:58,523
and that African mask,
if you know...
407
00:16:00,393 --> 00:16:01,993
The, like, saddest ones
are also in, like, Vegas
408
00:16:02,027 --> 00:16:03,761
'cause you know that's where,
like, people are like,
409
00:16:03,796 --> 00:16:06,130
"Hey, man, I'm gonna be
right back for this.
410
00:16:06,165 --> 00:16:07,598
- Real-- I swear to God."
- "Okay, yeah."
411
00:16:07,632 --> 00:16:09,000
"I'll be right back. How much
can you give me for it?"
412
00:16:09,034 --> 00:16:10,334
- "$5 for this saxophone."
- "All right.
413
00:16:10,368 --> 00:16:11,869
"I'll be back.
I'm gonna-- I'm gonna--
414
00:16:11,904 --> 00:16:14,072
"I'm gonna triple my money
real quick, let's do it."
415
00:16:14,106 --> 00:16:15,339
"Just go over there
and they'll give you $5."
416
00:16:15,373 --> 00:16:16,540
"All right."
417
00:16:16,575 --> 00:16:17,742
That's, like,
the number for everything
418
00:16:17,776 --> 00:16:20,078
is, like-- "This is
an actual samurai sword.
419
00:16:20,112 --> 00:16:21,512
- "You know."
- $5.
420
00:16:21,546 --> 00:16:23,214
"$5."
421
00:16:23,248 --> 00:16:26,049
"And this is
an unexploded atomic bomb."
422
00:16:26,084 --> 00:16:27,318
- Yeah.
- "$5."
423
00:16:28,486 --> 00:16:30,153
"This is a briefcase
with $1,000 in it."
424
00:16:30,188 --> 00:16:31,488
"$5."
425
00:16:31,523 --> 00:16:34,525
"$5?
How is that possible?"
426
00:16:50,975 --> 00:16:52,876
Hey, man.
How you doing?
427
00:16:52,910 --> 00:16:54,344
You guys got bow and arrows?
428
00:16:54,378 --> 00:16:57,780
Yeah.
429
00:16:57,814 --> 00:16:59,081
Oh, yeah.
Oh, that's it.
430
00:16:59,116 --> 00:17:00,383
Yeah, there it is.
There.
431
00:17:00,417 --> 00:17:01,551
That'll do it.
That's gonna do it.
432
00:17:01,585 --> 00:17:02,785
Yup.
Where are the arrows at?
433
00:17:04,655 --> 00:17:06,289
Yeah.
You got-- you guys got M80s?
434
00:17:06,323 --> 00:17:08,124
We don't carry fireworks.
435
00:17:08,158 --> 00:17:09,425
Damn!
You have, uh--
436
00:17:09,460 --> 00:17:10,993
You have something else
that's explosive
437
00:17:11,027 --> 00:17:13,095
that I could tape
to the end of an arrow?
438
00:17:14,497 --> 00:17:16,632
- We have shotgun shells, but...
- Uh-huh. Ooh.
439
00:17:16,666 --> 00:17:17,967
I feel I have to ask,
440
00:17:18,001 --> 00:17:19,501
are you planning
to attach those to arrows
441
00:17:19,535 --> 00:17:21,036
and use them as a weapon?
442
00:17:21,071 --> 00:17:22,138
What?
No. What?
443
00:17:22,172 --> 00:17:23,372
Are you crazy?
444
00:17:23,406 --> 00:17:24,539
You think
that would work though?
445
00:17:24,574 --> 00:17:26,708
What-- What-- What if I shot
explosive arrows
446
00:17:26,743 --> 00:17:28,577
through a window
to break 'em open?
447
00:17:28,611 --> 00:17:30,579
Sir, I feel like
I have to ask you
448
00:17:30,613 --> 00:17:32,814
what you're planning
to use these for.
449
00:17:32,848 --> 00:17:34,082
Oh, no, I'm not planning
to do anything.
450
00:17:34,116 --> 00:17:35,584
I'm just-- this is
just Christmas shopping.
451
00:17:35,618 --> 00:17:36,685
I'm getting a--
You got zip lines?
452
00:17:36,719 --> 00:17:37,986
Nope.
453
00:17:38,020 --> 00:17:39,154
But you got, like,
hooks and anchors and cables?
454
00:17:39,188 --> 00:17:40,455
We got
some of those things,
455
00:17:40,490 --> 00:17:44,058
but I do not recommend
manufacturing your own zip line.
456
00:17:44,093 --> 00:17:46,161
Oh, I'm not doing that.
No.
457
00:17:46,195 --> 00:17:47,561
Let's say somebody
was manufacturing
458
00:17:47,596 --> 00:17:49,097
- their own zip line.
- Mm-hmm.
459
00:17:49,131 --> 00:17:50,298
You think if they
had busted some windows open
460
00:17:50,332 --> 00:17:51,532
on a building somehow,
461
00:17:51,566 --> 00:17:54,035
Then fired the zip line
off a bow and arrow,
462
00:17:54,069 --> 00:17:55,970
and it attached
to the wall of said building,
463
00:17:56,005 --> 00:17:58,239
that they could just ride
the zip line into the building?
464
00:17:58,274 --> 00:18:00,008
I have no idea.
465
00:18:00,042 --> 00:18:02,243
Sir, whatever you
are planning on doing,
466
00:18:02,278 --> 00:18:03,744
please don't do it.
467
00:18:03,779 --> 00:18:05,179
I'm not-- I'm not--
I'm not doing anything.
468
00:18:05,213 --> 00:18:06,547
I'm just doing
some Christmas shopping,
469
00:18:06,581 --> 00:18:07,682
trying to get it
out of the way.
470
00:18:07,716 --> 00:18:09,016
You know, bow and arrows
for my nephew.
471
00:18:09,050 --> 00:18:11,652
The zip line's for my...
grandmother.
472
00:18:11,687 --> 00:18:13,354
Et cetera and whatnot.
You know what I'm saying there?
473
00:18:13,388 --> 00:18:14,822
It's nothing.
No big deal.
474
00:18:14,856 --> 00:18:16,290
Speaking of other things,
do you guys have
475
00:18:16,325 --> 00:18:20,527
just the, uh, top half
of a knight in armor?
476
00:18:20,561 --> 00:18:22,896
First of all,
it's called a suit of armor.
477
00:18:22,931 --> 00:18:24,497
Oh, yup, that's it.
That's right.
478
00:18:24,532 --> 00:18:26,300
- That's what I meant to say.
- We have one but it's sold...
479
00:18:26,334 --> 00:18:27,901
- Oh!
- As a complete set.
480
00:18:27,936 --> 00:18:29,069
- Yup. Yup.
- Yup.
481
00:18:29,103 --> 00:18:30,304
Yeah,
but the person it's for,
482
00:18:30,338 --> 00:18:31,404
they only need the--
they don't need the--
483
00:18:31,439 --> 00:18:32,605
they just need the top half.
484
00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:33,874
- they don't need the legs.
- Mm-hmm.
485
00:18:33,908 --> 00:18:35,508
Well, what if somebody
was shooting at you and--
486
00:18:35,543 --> 00:18:37,143
what are the chances you think
they'd try to shoot your legs?
487
00:18:37,177 --> 00:18:39,278
I feel
like I have to tell you
488
00:18:39,313 --> 00:18:42,482
that a suit of armor
will not deflect bullets.
489
00:18:42,516 --> 00:18:46,152
I'll take my chances--
with Christmas.
490
00:18:46,186 --> 00:18:48,555
Which brings me, uh,
to my next question.
491
00:18:48,589 --> 00:18:50,724
Do you guys
have roller skates?
492
00:18:50,758 --> 00:18:53,159
- I think we have a pair around.
- Uh-huh.
493
00:18:53,193 --> 00:18:54,626
Let me ask you a question.
494
00:18:54,661 --> 00:18:55,928
How fast do you think you'd have
to be going on roller skates
495
00:18:55,963 --> 00:18:57,429
to get past a couple
of armed guards
496
00:18:57,464 --> 00:18:59,832
and still be going fast enough
to smash through a safe door?
497
00:18:59,867 --> 00:19:02,001
- One of those big bank safes?
- No!
498
00:19:02,035 --> 00:19:03,669
I don-- I don't know.
Yeah.
499
00:19:03,703 --> 00:19:06,505
Yeah? Uh...
500
00:19:06,539 --> 00:19:08,241
Hey, you guys got one of those,
you know, just one
501
00:19:08,275 --> 00:19:10,676
of those big bags with
a dollar sign on the side of it?
502
00:19:10,710 --> 00:19:11,844
Okay.
503
00:19:11,878 --> 00:19:13,879
Yeah?
504
00:19:13,913 --> 00:19:16,181
You're gonna shoot arrows with
shotgun shells attached to 'em
505
00:19:16,215 --> 00:19:18,049
to a bank window
to blow out the glass.
506
00:19:18,084 --> 00:19:20,386
then you're gonna shoot
a zip line through that window
507
00:19:20,420 --> 00:19:22,488
and you're gonna slide on
into the hallway.
508
00:19:22,522 --> 00:19:24,256
You're gonna be
wearing roller skates
509
00:19:24,290 --> 00:19:26,358
so you can just skate on past
the armed guards,
510
00:19:26,392 --> 00:19:28,626
who will be shooting at you,
and you're gonna hope
511
00:19:28,660 --> 00:19:30,095
that they both
won't hit your legs,
512
00:19:30,129 --> 00:19:32,197
and, if they are aiming
at your torso,
513
00:19:32,231 --> 00:19:34,432
the suit of medieval armor
will deflect the bullets.
514
00:19:34,466 --> 00:19:36,701
then you're gonna hope
to gather enough speed
515
00:19:36,735 --> 00:19:38,403
to burst through
the big bank vault
516
00:19:38,437 --> 00:19:39,704
at the end of the hallway
517
00:19:39,738 --> 00:19:41,039
where you're gonna
collect the money
518
00:19:41,073 --> 00:19:45,710
in a cartoon money bag.
519
00:19:45,744 --> 00:19:47,311
Well, no.
520
00:19:47,345 --> 00:19:48,780
I'm just an uncle who's buying
some [bleep] for Christmas
521
00:19:48,814 --> 00:19:50,381
And I, uh, think I'll
take my business elsewhere.
522
00:19:50,416 --> 00:19:51,816
Merry Christmas.
523
00:19:51,850 --> 00:19:53,518
It's April.
524
00:20:01,159 --> 00:20:02,959
Welcome to Metta World News.
525
00:20:02,993 --> 00:20:06,863
Our top story, a professional
athlete should never post online
526
00:20:06,897 --> 00:20:09,299
looking for people
to live-action role play
527
00:20:09,333 --> 00:20:10,633
Hunger Games with them.
528
00:20:10,668 --> 00:20:15,471
I'm sorry,
Jerod, Cailey, and Zach.
529
00:20:15,505 --> 00:20:17,640
Well, that wraps up
Metta World News
530
00:20:17,675 --> 00:20:19,976
For this Wednesday, August
Microwave Wood Chipper.
531
00:20:20,010 --> 00:20:21,945
I'm Metta World Peace.
532
00:20:21,979 --> 00:20:23,713
Good night.
533
00:20:25,182 --> 00:20:26,716
Look at this one here.
Huh?
534
00:20:26,750 --> 00:20:30,453
- Look at this one here, huh?
- Beautiful lady.
535
00:20:30,487 --> 00:20:32,621
What I wouldn't do to her.
536
00:20:32,655 --> 00:20:34,890
You can see full chin cleavage
on this one, huh?
537
00:20:34,924 --> 00:20:36,358
Yeah, yeah.
538
00:20:36,393 --> 00:20:37,593
Good night, everybody.
539
00:20:37,627 --> 00:20:39,128
- Have a good one.
- Good night.
540
00:20:53,876 --> 00:20:56,845
♪ I'm gonna do
my one line here ♪
541
00:20:56,879 --> 00:20:58,880
Oh, yeah.
542
00:21:00,173 --> 00:21:03,368
Sync & corrections by dwigt
www.addic7ed.com
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