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1
00:00:00,045 --> 00:00:01,583
I'll tell you one thing--
When the Unsullied
2
00:00:01,617 --> 00:00:03,434
make it to Westeros,
they're gonna annihilate people.
3
00:00:03,451 --> 00:00:04,776
Wait, wait, dude, hold up.
4
00:00:04,788 --> 00:00:06,397
- It's gonna be crazy.
- First of all, slow down.
5
00:00:06,415 --> 00:00:08,407
Second of all,
I'm not up to that yet.
6
00:00:08,430 --> 00:00:09,592
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- No, yeah.
7
00:00:09,627 --> 00:00:11,583
- I didn't know that.
- I will erase it.
8
00:00:11,815 --> 00:00:13,677
Ass is like da-dow, blizz-ow.
I'm like, "peace."
9
00:00:13,712 --> 00:00:15,110
You know what I'm saying?
Like--
10
00:00:15,144 --> 00:00:17,374
Jordan, right now--
like, right now-- you must listen
11
00:00:17,408 --> 00:00:20,302
to how this white dude
is talking to black people.
12
00:00:20,336 --> 00:00:22,399
Get out of my face
with yo Tommy Bahama ass.
13
00:00:22,431 --> 00:00:24,963
I'm trying to make
some big dough. I'm a DJ.
14
00:00:24,997 --> 00:00:26,330
- No, no.
- "I'm a DJ."
15
00:00:26,364 --> 00:00:28,397
I put that pussy
on the chain wax, son.
16
00:00:28,430 --> 00:00:29,562
He puts the pussy
on the chain--
17
00:00:29,596 --> 00:00:30,895
That's pathetic.
That's pathetic.
18
00:00:30,930 --> 00:00:32,395
What's up, girl?
19
00:00:32,428 --> 00:00:33,827
He's walking this way.
He's totally walking this way.
20
00:00:33,861 --> 00:00:35,060
Oh, no, I can't.
I can't. I can't.
21
00:00:35,094 --> 00:00:36,226
Just go with it, dude.
Just go with it.
22
00:00:36,260 --> 00:00:37,292
- Hey!
- I can't.
23
00:00:37,326 --> 00:00:38,757
Hey! how's it going?
24
00:00:38,792 --> 00:00:40,191
- Key and Peele, right?
- Good.
25
00:00:40,225 --> 00:00:42,522
So stoked you guys are here.
Thanks for coming out.
26
00:00:42,556 --> 00:00:44,487
You guys rock.
Awesome.
27
00:00:44,522 --> 00:00:48,519
Yo, Kevin,
Let me get some red vines!
28
00:00:55,386 --> 00:00:56,552
- Want to get out of here?
- Yep.
29
00:01:10,419 --> 00:01:12,419
Subtitles by David Coleman
www.addic7ed.com
30
00:01:12,460 --> 00:01:14,649
Sync & corrections by dwigt
www.addic7ed.com
31
00:01:16,523 --> 00:01:18,356
Whoo!
32
00:01:18,390 --> 00:01:21,757
Whoo!
33
00:01:25,193 --> 00:01:26,425
Thank you so much.
34
00:01:26,459 --> 00:01:28,259
I am Keegan-Michael Key.
35
00:01:28,294 --> 00:01:30,126
- And I'm Jordan Peele.
- And we are Key and Peele.
36
00:01:30,160 --> 00:01:31,392
Thank you for coming out
tonight, everybody.
37
00:01:31,427 --> 00:01:32,493
Thank you for coming.
38
00:01:37,164 --> 00:01:38,930
You know what
we're fed up with?
39
00:01:38,964 --> 00:01:40,230
The news.
40
00:01:40,265 --> 00:01:42,965
Well, yes, we talk
about the news a lot.
41
00:01:42,999 --> 00:01:45,233
- The news is annoying to us.
- Right.
42
00:01:45,267 --> 00:01:47,968
The way that the news stations
are getting their news now
43
00:01:48,003 --> 00:01:49,435
is just basically
from the internet.
44
00:01:49,470 --> 00:01:51,436
Yeah, yeah, it's like
they're checking their iPads
45
00:01:51,471 --> 00:01:52,770
at the desk.
46
00:01:52,805 --> 00:01:55,171
Uh, next we will discuss
a new way
47
00:01:55,206 --> 00:01:57,772
to double your penis size...
48
00:01:57,806 --> 00:02:00,806
That is...
49
00:02:00,841 --> 00:02:02,407
My mom and I used to watch
the local news together.
50
00:02:02,441 --> 00:02:04,275
And if a guy came
on the news and said,
51
00:02:04,309 --> 00:02:06,008
"There was a carjacking
on Six Mile Road,"
52
00:02:06,043 --> 00:02:08,310
my mom would go, "Oh, please
be white, please be white."
53
00:02:08,343 --> 00:02:10,244
Mm-hmm.
54
00:02:10,278 --> 00:02:12,246
Then be like, "and we'll
be back with more news
55
00:02:12,280 --> 00:02:15,414
on the Nigerian Prince
who needs some money."
56
00:02:17,349 --> 00:02:19,950
"But first...
57
00:02:19,984 --> 00:02:23,384
a car chase ensued
down on Eight Mile and, uh..."
58
00:02:23,419 --> 00:02:26,419
Oh, oh, let this one guy
be white, please.
59
00:02:26,454 --> 00:02:29,621
"where-- where he stole
a six-pack of Smirnoff Ice..."
60
00:02:29,656 --> 00:02:31,789
Might be white!
Might be white!
61
00:02:31,823 --> 00:02:34,357
Might be white!
62
00:02:34,391 --> 00:02:36,792
Might be white.
63
00:02:36,826 --> 00:02:39,127
"and a pack
of Now and Laters."
64
00:02:39,161 --> 00:02:40,861
Damn it!
65
00:02:44,504 --> 00:02:45,938
Good evening, St. Paul.
66
00:02:45,972 --> 00:02:48,072
It's your city news at 5:00.
I'm Jamie Throneburg.
67
00:02:48,106 --> 00:02:50,207
And I'm Marcy Whitchurch.
68
00:02:50,241 --> 00:02:52,308
Winter weather advisories
are in effect
69
00:02:52,342 --> 00:02:53,909
across Central Minnesota
tonight.
70
00:02:53,943 --> 00:02:56,311
With more on that,
weatherman Isaac Labuda.
71
00:02:56,345 --> 00:02:57,312
Isaac.
72
00:02:57,346 --> 00:02:58,513
Thanks, Marcy.
73
00:02:58,547 --> 00:03:00,948
A major system
is zipping across the region.
74
00:03:00,982 --> 00:03:03,149
Outside temp right now,
8 degrees,
75
00:03:03,184 --> 00:03:04,383
but it feels like 20 below.
76
00:03:04,418 --> 00:03:05,584
Jamie.
77
00:03:05,618 --> 00:03:07,185
Well, stay off the roads
if you can, folks.
78
00:03:07,220 --> 00:03:08,652
Lots of reports
of black ice.
79
00:03:08,687 --> 00:03:11,621
Ooh, you got to watch out
for that dangerous black ice.
80
00:03:11,655 --> 00:03:14,823
It's transparent and sneaky.
Hard to see black ice.
81
00:03:14,857 --> 00:03:16,224
That's right, Marcy.
82
00:03:16,259 --> 00:03:17,926
Keep your loved ones safe
and warn them
83
00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:19,527
to stay off the street
tonight
84
00:03:19,562 --> 00:03:22,463
because of menacing,
life-robbing black, black ice.
85
00:03:22,497 --> 00:03:24,497
Isaac.
86
00:03:27,167 --> 00:03:29,067
We have Channel 17's
field reporter,
87
00:03:29,101 --> 00:03:30,368
Darren Hepner, with more.
88
00:03:30,402 --> 00:03:31,368
Darren?
89
00:03:31,403 --> 00:03:34,837
Yeah...
90
00:03:34,872 --> 00:03:37,873
I'm standing out here
at historic Ramsey Hill,
91
00:03:37,908 --> 00:03:40,175
where there are currently
no cars on the street
92
00:03:40,209 --> 00:03:42,076
due to, uh...
93
00:03:42,111 --> 00:03:44,745
hazardous
driving conditions.
94
00:03:44,779 --> 00:03:47,347
Darren, are you
talking about black ice?
95
00:03:47,381 --> 00:03:48,848
That's right.
96
00:03:48,883 --> 00:03:50,516
Ooh, jeez,
it's frightening
97
00:03:50,550 --> 00:03:52,951
Just to even say
"black ice."
98
00:03:52,986 --> 00:03:55,821
It's scary, tricky,
ruthless stuff, that black ice.
99
00:03:55,855 --> 00:03:59,191
A perfectly safe neighborhood
can be suddenly terrorized
100
00:03:59,226 --> 00:04:00,860
by the appearance
of black ice.
101
00:04:00,894 --> 00:04:04,497
Well, one must
keep in mind that,
102
00:04:04,531 --> 00:04:07,300
just because black ice
looks different than white ice,
103
00:04:07,334 --> 00:04:09,502
it doesn't make it
any more dangerous.
104
00:04:09,537 --> 00:04:11,070
Also, one must remember
105
00:04:11,105 --> 00:04:14,607
how hard it is
for black ice to survive,
106
00:04:14,642 --> 00:04:16,976
what with the authorities
trying to destroy it
107
00:04:17,011 --> 00:04:19,145
with the snow plows
and salt trucks,
108
00:04:19,180 --> 00:04:21,781
but black ice perseveres.
109
00:04:21,816 --> 00:04:23,316
Uh-huh, that's right.
That's right.
110
00:04:23,350 --> 00:04:25,184
And as you can see
right now,
111
00:04:25,219 --> 00:04:26,318
the city
is being controlled
112
00:04:26,353 --> 00:04:28,954
by lots
of oppressive white snow,
113
00:04:28,988 --> 00:04:32,224
making it hard
for all people to advance.
114
00:04:32,259 --> 00:04:35,028
And we don't hear
much "news" about that,
115
00:04:35,062 --> 00:04:36,029
Now, do we?
116
00:04:36,063 --> 00:04:37,163
No, we do not!
117
00:04:37,197 --> 00:04:40,300
Well, thank you very much,
Brother Darren.
118
00:04:40,334 --> 00:04:43,770
But let's be honest--
Black ice is the real menace.
119
00:04:43,804 --> 00:04:47,006
Last night I was in
a perfectly safe neighborhood,
120
00:04:47,041 --> 00:04:49,842
walking away
from an A.T.M. machine,
121
00:04:49,876 --> 00:04:51,944
when black ice
just snuck up on me
122
00:04:51,979 --> 00:04:54,680
and practically robbed me
of my balance.
123
00:04:54,715 --> 00:04:57,883
Ouch. That sounds exactly like
something black ice would do.
124
00:04:57,918 --> 00:05:02,421
Well, I just hope that folks
watch out so the white snow
125
00:05:02,456 --> 00:05:04,690
doesn't blind them
and keep them from seeing
126
00:05:04,724 --> 00:05:06,392
what's really going on.
127
00:05:06,426 --> 00:05:07,760
All I'm saying
is I can't think
128
00:05:07,794 --> 00:05:10,162
of a single Christmas song
about black ice.
129
00:05:10,196 --> 00:05:13,365
Lots of cheerful, uplifting
songs about snow, so...
130
00:05:13,399 --> 00:05:15,367
Well...
131
00:05:15,402 --> 00:05:19,338
For the record, black ice
never asked to be out here.
132
00:05:19,372 --> 00:05:20,939
No, it did not!
133
00:05:20,973 --> 00:05:24,142
It's a product
of the environment.
134
00:05:24,176 --> 00:05:26,344
Ooh, Hallelujah!
135
00:05:26,378 --> 00:05:29,414
In fact, black ice
didn't land on the road.
136
00:05:29,448 --> 00:05:31,649
The road
landed on black ice!
137
00:05:31,684 --> 00:05:34,685
Whoo! Amen!
138
00:05:34,719 --> 00:05:37,288
Okay.
139
00:05:37,322 --> 00:05:40,767
Next up, why is America
being ruined by black people?
140
00:05:53,204 --> 00:05:56,173
Hello. You must be
Detective Hobbs.
141
00:05:56,207 --> 00:05:59,777
I am your new partner,
Joshua Taye.
142
00:06:02,915 --> 00:06:05,049
Um, wha--you know--
143
00:06:05,083 --> 00:06:08,853
Uh, your last partner,
Detective Jimenez,
144
00:06:08,887 --> 00:06:10,821
I never met him,
but I hear he left
145
00:06:10,856 --> 00:06:12,256
some pretty big shoes
to fill.
146
00:06:12,290 --> 00:06:14,658
Let's get one thing
straight.
147
00:06:14,693 --> 00:06:19,097
You're never gonna
fill Jimenez's shoes, ever.
148
00:06:19,131 --> 00:06:23,736
Jimenez was a good man,
better cop.
149
00:06:23,770 --> 00:06:25,471
Fill Jimenez's shoes?
150
00:06:25,505 --> 00:06:28,374
The tip of your dick
couldn't fill a bottle cap.
151
00:06:28,408 --> 00:06:31,777
I-I'm very sorry
if that came out wrong.
152
00:06:31,812 --> 00:06:33,345
I'm sure Jimenez
was a great cop.
153
00:06:33,380 --> 00:06:35,114
The best!
154
00:06:35,148 --> 00:06:37,083
Okay.
155
00:06:37,117 --> 00:06:39,051
Uh...
156
00:06:40,987 --> 00:06:42,855
So these prostitute murders--
157
00:06:42,889 --> 00:06:46,225
Um...
Seems like a serial killer.
158
00:06:46,260 --> 00:06:47,226
Could be.
159
00:06:47,261 --> 00:06:48,962
I actually
worked out a theory.
160
00:06:48,996 --> 00:06:53,033
I don't give a hobo's hat
about your theory.
161
00:06:53,068 --> 00:06:55,235
You think Jimenez
worked off of theories,
162
00:06:55,269 --> 00:06:58,504
like some kind
of a needle-dick Charles Darwin?
163
00:06:58,539 --> 00:07:01,340
Not on your ass.
164
00:07:01,374 --> 00:07:06,145
Jimenez always shot
straight from the dick.
165
00:07:06,179 --> 00:07:07,880
You think you're Jimenez?
166
00:07:07,914 --> 00:07:09,181
Absolutely not.
167
00:07:09,216 --> 00:07:10,549
You're goddamn right
you're not!
168
00:07:10,584 --> 00:07:11,584
I just said I'm--
169
00:07:11,618 --> 00:07:13,052
Jimenez
would've busted 20 perps
170
00:07:13,086 --> 00:07:15,220
in the time it'd take you
to pull up your pants
171
00:07:15,254 --> 00:07:19,158
over your itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny
yellow polka-dot ba-pee-pee.
172
00:07:19,192 --> 00:07:21,527
Two daughters,
raising 'em on his own.
173
00:07:21,562 --> 00:07:25,599
You want that job?
Huh, Mr. Babydick?
174
00:07:25,633 --> 00:07:26,800
What is going on?
175
00:07:26,835 --> 00:07:28,869
- You want to be their daddy?
- No!
176
00:07:28,903 --> 00:07:30,070
You know what?
I think--
177
00:07:30,105 --> 00:07:31,705
I think we got off
on the wrong foot.
178
00:07:31,740 --> 00:07:33,540
- Not Jimenez.
- Oh...
179
00:07:33,575 --> 00:07:35,175
Jimenez got off
on the right foot
180
00:07:35,210 --> 00:07:37,210
every goddamn day
of his goddamn life...
181
00:07:37,245 --> 00:07:38,211
Uh-huh.
182
00:07:38,246 --> 00:07:39,379
Which is more
than I can say
183
00:07:39,413 --> 00:07:41,548
for your
pebble-penis-havin' ass.
184
00:07:41,582 --> 00:07:43,482
- What?
- Jimenez wannabe!
185
00:07:43,517 --> 00:07:45,851
I can assure you
I don't want to be Jimenez!
186
00:07:45,886 --> 00:07:47,486
Why not?
What's wrong with Jimenez?
187
00:07:47,521 --> 00:07:48,688
There's nothing wrong
with Jimenez.
188
00:07:48,722 --> 00:07:49,755
Then why wouldn't you
want to be like him?
189
00:07:49,790 --> 00:07:51,090
I don't know.
You said--
190
00:07:51,125 --> 00:07:52,192
Smurf pecker!
191
00:07:52,226 --> 00:07:54,427
Okay, I'm out.
I can't--
192
00:07:54,462 --> 00:07:56,663
I can't make this work.
193
00:08:02,570 --> 00:08:04,908
Jimenez
would've made it work.
194
00:08:09,410 --> 00:08:11,511
Come back from Florida soon,
Jimenez.
195
00:08:13,752 --> 00:08:14,986
Jordan, would you say that
196
00:08:15,020 --> 00:08:17,288
there's a distinct possibility
that, perhaps,
197
00:08:17,323 --> 00:08:18,823
Star Wars might be
a little bit racist?
198
00:08:18,858 --> 00:08:20,525
- Oh, yes.
- Just a little bit.
199
00:08:20,560 --> 00:08:23,694
There's, like, two black guys
in the whole universe.
200
00:08:24,963 --> 00:08:26,496
Not only is it far, far away,
201
00:08:26,531 --> 00:08:29,164
it's clearly
a long, long time ago.
202
00:08:29,199 --> 00:08:30,732
Right.
203
00:08:30,767 --> 00:08:32,534
So last year we had--
204
00:08:32,568 --> 00:08:35,470
we had the incomparable
Billy Dee Williams on our show.
205
00:08:35,504 --> 00:08:36,571
Mm-hmm.
206
00:08:36,606 --> 00:08:38,173
And he's
in Empire Strikes Back.
207
00:08:38,207 --> 00:08:40,342
And his coolness makes it look
like he's in a different movie,
208
00:08:40,376 --> 00:08:41,810
'cause my man just
walks up talking about,
209
00:08:41,844 --> 00:08:45,148
"Hey, Han.
Chewbacca."
210
00:08:47,151 --> 00:08:49,453
And they had
Samuel L. Jackson.
211
00:08:49,487 --> 00:08:51,422
My man had the first
purple lightsaber.
212
00:08:51,456 --> 00:08:53,490
Yeah.
213
00:08:53,525 --> 00:08:56,794
How you gonna
give Mace Windu
214
00:08:56,828 --> 00:09:00,530
a grape-flavored
lightsaber?
215
00:09:00,565 --> 00:09:02,299
What?
216
00:09:08,239 --> 00:09:11,642
Lando! What?
Oh, snap!
217
00:09:11,676 --> 00:09:13,377
Yo, Lando!
218
00:09:13,412 --> 00:09:14,645
Yo, Lando Calrissian!
219
00:09:14,680 --> 00:09:16,147
Oh, hi.
Yeah, that's me.
220
00:09:16,181 --> 00:09:19,583
Oh... dude!
Lando!
221
00:09:19,618 --> 00:09:23,754
Yo! Yo, you straight up running
Cloud City right now, dog!
222
00:09:23,788 --> 00:09:24,889
That's you, man!
223
00:09:24,923 --> 00:09:26,056
You out there just--
224
00:09:27,659 --> 00:09:28,625
Swoosh!
225
00:09:28,660 --> 00:09:30,761
Well, you know,
I-I do my best.
226
00:09:30,795 --> 00:09:33,496
Zeef, man. Zeef Howdo.
Big fan, big fan.
227
00:09:33,531 --> 00:09:36,499
Well, Zeef, it's real nice
to make your acquaintance.
228
00:09:36,534 --> 00:09:37,767
Straight up, though--
Straight up, man.
229
00:09:37,802 --> 00:09:40,104
You an inspiration
to all of us, man.
230
00:09:40,138 --> 00:09:43,040
You insp-- you're the reason
I'm out here in Cloud City, dog.
231
00:09:43,074 --> 00:09:44,374
- Man, I ain't even joking, man.
- That's nice.
232
00:09:44,409 --> 00:09:45,943
- But, yo, ideally, though?
- Yeah?
233
00:09:45,977 --> 00:09:48,678
Ideally--
On an ideal situation,
234
00:09:48,712 --> 00:09:50,079
I would be doing
like what you're doing.
235
00:09:50,114 --> 00:09:51,914
I'd be up there, like,
in the high chambers
236
00:09:51,949 --> 00:09:53,316
of Cloud City, dog.
237
00:09:53,350 --> 00:09:54,683
Well, Zeef,
it's nice to meet you.
238
00:09:54,718 --> 00:09:56,151
Yo, right on, man,
239
00:09:56,186 --> 00:09:57,619
'cause they got me
in the carbonite room
240
00:09:57,653 --> 00:09:58,687
right now, son.
241
00:09:58,721 --> 00:09:59,955
That's bull[bleep], right?
242
00:09:59,989 --> 00:10:02,291
They got me working
with some pig dudes and whatnot.
243
00:10:02,325 --> 00:10:04,093
Yo, I ain't no pig,
you know?
244
00:10:04,127 --> 00:10:05,461
And you ever notice, man,
245
00:10:05,495 --> 00:10:08,297
there ain't a lot of brothers
out here, man, in space.
246
00:10:08,331 --> 00:10:10,299
Right? It's like they're
trying to keep us down, man.
247
00:10:10,333 --> 00:10:13,235
You know, I-I don't think
that it's the policy.
248
00:10:13,270 --> 00:10:15,771
I just think it's
really, really difficult
249
00:10:15,806 --> 00:10:17,406
to get to this level.
250
00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:21,210
You've got to understand
the politics of the Empire
251
00:10:21,244 --> 00:10:22,378
and, at the same time,
252
00:10:22,412 --> 00:10:23,812
all the motivations
of the Rebel Alliance.
253
00:10:23,847 --> 00:10:25,147
- All that, man, all that.
- You've got--
254
00:10:25,181 --> 00:10:26,849
All that, all that,
all that, all that, all that.
255
00:10:26,883 --> 00:10:28,584
But ideally, though, man?
256
00:10:28,619 --> 00:10:31,153
Ideally, what I'm talking
about is, like, me and you--
257
00:10:31,188 --> 00:10:33,689
we should, like, do something
together, though, man,
258
00:10:33,724 --> 00:10:36,091
'cause if you think about it,
yo, when I was younger, man,
259
00:10:36,126 --> 00:10:38,160
I used to fly those landspeeders
all the time.
260
00:10:38,195 --> 00:10:40,162
My friends was like,
"Man, you should be piloting
261
00:10:40,197 --> 00:10:41,931
one of the X-Wings,"
right?
262
00:10:41,966 --> 00:10:43,366
And so that's,
like, disappointing, man,
263
00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:44,934
'cause I got here,
and they just had me, like,
264
00:10:44,968 --> 00:10:47,369
cleaning up the R2 units
after the X-Wings come in.
265
00:10:47,404 --> 00:10:49,337
Zeef, I got to go.
266
00:10:49,372 --> 00:10:50,939
You should prob--
Oh, no.
267
00:10:50,973 --> 00:10:53,441
Man, I'm saying, man,
how do we contact one another?
268
00:10:53,476 --> 00:10:54,476
'cause that's
the most important thing--
269
00:10:54,510 --> 00:10:55,810
that we contact one another,
270
00:10:55,845 --> 00:10:57,613
'cause, yo, look, man,
ideally, though?
271
00:10:57,647 --> 00:10:59,081
Ideally though?
272
00:10:59,115 --> 00:11:01,683
I would get to fly, somehow,
like, the Millennium Falcon.
273
00:11:01,718 --> 00:11:02,818
Like, that would be cool.
274
00:11:02,852 --> 00:11:04,719
And, yo, let me get you my--
like, my cont--
275
00:11:04,754 --> 00:11:06,421
I got my card
in here somewhere.
276
00:11:06,455 --> 00:11:07,522
Man, I'm just trying
277
00:11:07,556 --> 00:11:09,357
to find this, like,
pocket right here,
278
00:11:09,391 --> 00:11:11,526
'cause these--
sometimes, these suits,
279
00:11:11,560 --> 00:11:13,695
- they don't got no pockets.
- You know what, Zeef?
280
00:11:13,729 --> 00:11:16,131
Just give your information
to Lobot here,
281
00:11:16,165 --> 00:11:18,366
and we'll be in touch.
282
00:11:18,401 --> 00:11:19,534
Lobot?
283
00:11:19,569 --> 00:11:21,703
Man, I see how it is.
284
00:11:21,738 --> 00:11:23,772
I got to talk to your mandroid
right now?
285
00:11:23,806 --> 00:11:25,841
Man, [bleep] you, [bleep]!
286
00:11:25,875 --> 00:11:27,342
Little white-ass hair!
287
00:11:27,377 --> 00:11:29,411
Why you wearing a cape,
though, huh?
288
00:11:29,445 --> 00:11:31,613
Where you going,
the ice planet Hoth?
289
00:11:31,648 --> 00:11:34,683
Outrageous.
290
00:11:39,990 --> 00:11:41,858
Welcome to Metta World News.
291
00:11:41,892 --> 00:11:43,192
Our top story--
292
00:11:43,227 --> 00:11:45,228
The pope is thinking
of moving out the Vatican
293
00:11:45,262 --> 00:11:46,996
so feral cats
can live there.
294
00:11:47,030 --> 00:11:48,831
Now, let's go
to "Homemaker's Corner"
295
00:11:48,866 --> 00:11:50,199
with Metta World Peace.
296
00:11:51,701 --> 00:11:52,834
Thank you, Metta.
297
00:11:52,869 --> 00:11:55,304
You need five
plastic grocery bags
298
00:11:55,338 --> 00:11:58,140
to make
an effective parachute.
299
00:11:58,174 --> 00:11:59,975
Thanks, Metta, and you will die
300
00:12:00,010 --> 00:12:01,477
if you try that.
301
00:12:01,511 --> 00:12:03,078
Well, that wraps up
Metta World News
302
00:12:03,113 --> 00:12:07,082
for this Wednesday, November
Morning Star Cocktail Napkin.
303
00:12:07,117 --> 00:12:09,285
I'm Metta World Peace.
Good night.
304
00:12:11,774 --> 00:12:13,107
You guys like jazz?
305
00:12:14,376 --> 00:12:15,777
All right, yeah, yeah.
306
00:12:15,811 --> 00:12:17,245
We just think that jazz
is really great.
307
00:12:17,280 --> 00:12:18,580
It never tries
to be pop music.
308
00:12:18,614 --> 00:12:19,814
It's just like,
"Hey, man, deal with it.
309
00:12:19,849 --> 00:12:20,815
"If you don't like it--
310
00:12:24,353 --> 00:12:25,320
"I'm a genius."
311
00:12:25,354 --> 00:12:27,054
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
312
00:14:11,861 --> 00:14:12,928
Ahh...
313
00:15:39,048 --> 00:15:41,716
Wha...
314
00:16:35,911 --> 00:16:37,679
We, uh--we like
to give support
315
00:16:37,713 --> 00:16:40,182
to our gay brothers
and sisters.
316
00:16:40,217 --> 00:16:41,884
Yes, we do.
Lots of legislation--
317
00:16:41,919 --> 00:16:43,319
a lot of things
going their way recently.
318
00:16:43,353 --> 00:16:45,188
Having their civil rights
movement right now.
319
00:16:45,222 --> 00:16:47,723
Healthcare coming their way,
marriage coming their way.
320
00:16:47,758 --> 00:16:50,759
Now they can all get
within the bond
321
00:16:50,793 --> 00:16:53,228
of holy matrimony,
and then you too
322
00:16:53,262 --> 00:16:55,263
can be as miserable
as the rest of us.
323
00:16:55,298 --> 00:16:57,399
- That's right.
- So, by all means, please.
324
00:16:57,433 --> 00:17:00,669
It must've been hard for
the gay guy who was, you know,
325
00:17:00,703 --> 00:17:02,671
using the fact that
they couldn't get married
326
00:17:02,705 --> 00:17:05,874
as his excuse
to not get married.
327
00:17:05,909 --> 00:17:07,543
The day it got legal,
this guy was sweating bullets.
328
00:17:08,712 --> 00:17:09,912
Ow, yeah.
329
00:17:09,946 --> 00:17:12,715
We gettin' married!
330
00:17:12,749 --> 00:17:14,817
Is that--
Is that in every state?
331
00:17:14,851 --> 00:17:17,318
Oh, no.
332
00:17:17,353 --> 00:17:19,086
Oh, boy.
333
00:17:25,494 --> 00:17:27,295
Hello, Lashawn.
Hello, Carousel.
334
00:17:27,329 --> 00:17:29,464
Ooh, Sammy, Carousel
had another premonition.
335
00:17:29,498 --> 00:17:30,598
Oh, what was it this time?
336
00:17:30,632 --> 00:17:31,699
She says an ostrich
337
00:17:31,733 --> 00:17:33,234
is going to escape
from the zoo today.
338
00:17:33,268 --> 00:17:35,136
Nope, she heard that
on the news last night,
339
00:17:35,171 --> 00:17:37,505
so that's a thing that actually
happened in real life already.
340
00:17:37,540 --> 00:17:39,407
Okay, well,
better late than never.
341
00:17:39,441 --> 00:17:41,542
All right, well, go make daddy
some chamomile.
342
00:17:41,576 --> 00:17:42,576
Let's go. Mm.
343
00:17:42,611 --> 00:17:44,611
Come on, go around.
Use the Force.
344
00:17:44,646 --> 00:17:46,046
There you go.
345
00:17:46,080 --> 00:17:47,614
Lashawn.
346
00:17:47,648 --> 00:17:49,415
Lashawn, I just got this letter
from my insurance company.
347
00:17:49,450 --> 00:17:52,619
It looks like we are officially
on the same insurance.
348
00:17:52,653 --> 00:17:53,854
- What?
- Yes.
349
00:17:53,888 --> 00:17:55,089
Yes.
350
00:17:55,123 --> 00:17:56,958
- Sammy, we did it!
- I can't believe this.
351
00:17:56,992 --> 00:17:58,226
I mean, we're finally
352
00:17:58,260 --> 00:17:59,661
not gonna be treated
like second-class citizens.
353
00:17:59,696 --> 00:18:01,196
Oh, my God, I want to see,
I want to see, I want to see.
354
00:18:01,231 --> 00:18:02,497
I want-- No, don't show me.
Just tell me.
355
00:18:02,532 --> 00:18:03,765
What are we covered?
What are we covered?
356
00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:04,766
- How are we covered?
- It's good insurance.
357
00:18:04,800 --> 00:18:06,668
- We get dental and--
- Dental!
358
00:18:06,702 --> 00:18:08,970
Oh, my God, make me
an appointment right now, Sammy.
359
00:18:09,004 --> 00:18:10,438
No, Lashawn,
You got to take it--
360
00:18:10,472 --> 00:18:13,274
I'm gonna get a ruby filling
and a fang for apples.
361
00:18:13,309 --> 00:18:15,443
- A fang?
- Yes, a single, solitary fang
362
00:18:15,477 --> 00:18:16,978
for tricky fruits
and bottle caps.
363
00:18:17,012 --> 00:18:18,312
You understand that that's
kind of an elective procedure,
364
00:18:18,347 --> 00:18:19,814
- which means it wouldn't be--
- Oh, my God.
365
00:18:19,848 --> 00:18:22,082
Well, I'm going to proceed
to elect the fang
366
00:18:22,117 --> 00:18:23,484
- the president of my mouth.
- Okay.
367
00:18:23,518 --> 00:18:26,287
And then I'm going
to get my voice "loudened"!
368
00:18:26,321 --> 00:18:27,354
Voice "loudened."
369
00:18:27,389 --> 00:18:28,689
Yes, so I can...
370
00:18:28,724 --> 00:18:29,790
♪ talk to birds
371
00:18:29,825 --> 00:18:31,259
All right,
so, well, I don't know
372
00:18:31,293 --> 00:18:32,694
if we're going to find a dentist
who can do that.
373
00:18:32,728 --> 00:18:34,395
Also, it's not covered
in this insurance
374
00:18:34,430 --> 00:18:35,697
- Because it's the basic...
- Uh-huh, yeah.
375
00:18:35,731 --> 00:18:37,098
- Dental and vision.
- Uh-huh.
376
00:18:37,133 --> 00:18:39,033
Vision!
Did you say vision?
377
00:18:39,068 --> 00:18:40,869
- Oh, my God.
- I did say vision.
378
00:18:40,903 --> 00:18:42,470
Sammy, Sammy, Sammy, Sammy,
Sammy, Sammy, what?
379
00:18:42,504 --> 00:18:44,238
- Sammy, what? Sammy!
- That is my name.
380
00:18:44,273 --> 00:18:46,708
I'm gonna have one contact
that looks like a cat eye
381
00:18:46,742 --> 00:18:48,610
and another contact
that looks like a cat's face
382
00:18:48,644 --> 00:18:49,611
that's missing an eye.
383
00:18:49,645 --> 00:18:51,112
You don't wear contacts.
384
00:18:51,146 --> 00:18:52,614
I'm gonna have a third eye
that looks like the letter "I,"
385
00:18:52,648 --> 00:18:54,349
and it's gonna be in my eye,
and I'm gonna be like,
386
00:18:54,384 --> 00:18:56,819
"I... see you."
387
00:18:56,853 --> 00:18:58,654
Lashawn...
388
00:18:58,688 --> 00:19:00,989
You don't wear contacts,
so there's no reason--
389
00:19:01,024 --> 00:19:02,324
Well, I'm going to need
to wear contacts
390
00:19:02,358 --> 00:19:04,192
when I have my eyebrows redid
because they say
391
00:19:04,227 --> 00:19:05,927
that kind of procedure
will "scrumple" the corneas.
392
00:19:05,961 --> 00:19:08,830
You're not getting
your eyebrows redid, redone...
393
00:19:08,864 --> 00:19:10,098
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- Undone, done.
394
00:19:10,132 --> 00:19:11,632
I'm gonna have 'em
switched on my face,
395
00:19:11,667 --> 00:19:13,401
so when I get mad,
I look delighted!
396
00:19:13,435 --> 00:19:14,869
Do you understand
that insurance
397
00:19:14,903 --> 00:19:17,037
is only
for real medical problems?
398
00:19:17,072 --> 00:19:18,405
And even then,
we have a deductible.
399
00:19:18,440 --> 00:19:20,541
I'm going to deduct
the fat from my ass
400
00:19:20,576 --> 00:19:21,642
and put it in my "fangles,"
401
00:19:21,677 --> 00:19:23,110
so when I wave,
I look like Mickey Mouse.
402
00:19:23,145 --> 00:19:24,445
Okay, all right.
403
00:19:24,479 --> 00:19:26,313
Listen to what
I'm telling you right now.
404
00:19:26,347 --> 00:19:27,948
- What?
- Insurance is not for you
405
00:19:27,982 --> 00:19:29,883
to have the bottom half
of your body cut off
406
00:19:29,917 --> 00:19:32,152
and you sewn to a horse
so you can experience
407
00:19:32,186 --> 00:19:33,553
- what it's like to be a...
- centaur
408
00:19:33,588 --> 00:19:35,622
Oh, my God, Sammy,
that's a good idea.
409
00:19:35,656 --> 00:19:38,558
It's not a good idea because
you'd die almost immediately.
410
00:19:38,593 --> 00:19:40,828
Oh, it'd be worth it, Sammy.
It would be so worth it.
411
00:19:40,862 --> 00:19:43,163
Sammy, please,
tell me I can.
412
00:19:43,198 --> 00:19:45,700
I know that you want
to do that, but you can't do it.
413
00:19:45,734 --> 00:19:48,169
It's not covered
by the insurance.
414
00:19:48,203 --> 00:19:49,637
- Oh, Sammy! come on!
- It's not--
415
00:19:49,671 --> 00:19:51,939
Why you got to be the '80s
to my disco right now?
416
00:19:51,973 --> 00:19:54,007
- Why do you have to, hmm?
- I'm not trying--
417
00:19:54,042 --> 00:19:55,442
You don't. That's the answer.
You don't.
418
00:19:55,477 --> 00:19:57,511
I'm just trying to be
the reality to your dementia.
419
00:19:57,545 --> 00:19:58,979
I'm gonna
have two stomachs!
420
00:19:59,013 --> 00:20:00,247
I'm gonna get another stomach.
421
00:20:00,281 --> 00:20:02,516
One for cherries
and one for corn.
422
00:20:02,550 --> 00:20:03,951
- Oh, my God.
- That's right, Sammy.
423
00:20:03,985 --> 00:20:05,152
I'm gonna go
to couples therapy alone
424
00:20:05,187 --> 00:20:06,521
- and just play both parts.
- Yeah.
425
00:20:06,555 --> 00:20:07,689
I'm gonna
go to the gynecologist
426
00:20:07,723 --> 00:20:09,290
and just ask questions
till I get it.
427
00:20:09,325 --> 00:20:10,992
Oh, and I got
another question--
428
00:20:11,026 --> 00:20:12,693
a few questions
about how many different parts
429
00:20:12,728 --> 00:20:13,928
of your body
you can make blink.
430
00:20:13,962 --> 00:20:15,862
'cause I want to get
my "earlids" done
431
00:20:15,897 --> 00:20:17,230
and then my foot pockets.
432
00:20:17,265 --> 00:20:19,866
Foot pockets are this invention
I've been thinking of...
433
00:20:19,900 --> 00:20:21,201
where you can just put...
434
00:20:21,235 --> 00:20:22,836
your keys
up by your ankles.
435
00:20:22,870 --> 00:20:24,404
Then I'm gonna have a coaster
put in my shoulder,
436
00:20:24,438 --> 00:20:25,738
so when I go to a bar,
I can say,
437
00:20:25,773 --> 00:20:26,940
"You want a drink on me?"
438
00:20:26,974 --> 00:20:28,708
And then I'm just gonna
be, like, a monster,
439
00:20:28,742 --> 00:20:30,143
and then for Halloween,
I'm gonna dress up
440
00:20:30,177 --> 00:20:31,611
like a normal human being.
441
00:20:31,645 --> 00:20:33,579
Thank you, everybody.
442
00:20:33,613 --> 00:20:35,114
You guys have--
You guys have been--
443
00:20:35,148 --> 00:20:37,048
Uh, you guys
have been great tonight.
444
00:20:37,083 --> 00:20:39,450
And we just wanted
to say thank you
445
00:20:39,484 --> 00:20:41,952
and say good-bye
as well, and--
446
00:20:41,987 --> 00:20:44,922
Jimenez would never
have said good-bye.
447
00:20:46,358 --> 00:20:47,759
Good night, everybody.
448
00:20:52,198 --> 00:20:55,166
♪ I'm gonna do
my one line here ♪
449
00:20:55,201 --> 00:20:57,335
Oh, yeah.
33313
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