Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,163 --> 00:00:01,924
I am here
with Ozamataz Buckshank,
2
00:00:01,929 --> 00:00:03,843
the rookie
out of Stanford University
3
00:00:03,902 --> 00:00:07,110
who is undoubtedly the MVP
of today's game
4
00:00:07,167 --> 00:00:09,397
with an interception that
he runs back for a touchdown
5
00:00:09,445 --> 00:00:11,886
in the last 30 seconds
of the contest.
6
00:00:11,921 --> 00:00:14,464
Ozamataz, can you walk us
through what happened
7
00:00:14,498 --> 00:00:15,596
in that last play?
8
00:00:15,631 --> 00:00:16,996
- It was amazing.
- Yeah, we knew we had to go
9
00:00:17,031 --> 00:00:19,400
out there, give 100%,
and we executed.
10
00:00:19,434 --> 00:00:20,635
It just went our way today.
11
00:00:20,669 --> 00:00:22,102
And was the quarterback
giving you
12
00:00:22,136 --> 00:00:24,201
any clues today, Oz?
13
00:00:24,236 --> 00:00:25,520
It looked like you knew
that ball was gonna be there.
14
00:00:25,545 --> 00:00:26,733
What was happening?
15
00:00:26,767 --> 00:00:29,667
We wanted to have some fun,
you know, execute.
16
00:00:29,701 --> 00:00:32,102
Play one quarter at a time,
give 100%.
17
00:00:32,136 --> 00:00:34,104
Oh--okay, okay.
You know, let's just--
18
00:00:34,138 --> 00:00:35,404
Let's talk
about last week's game.
19
00:00:35,438 --> 00:00:37,973
You guys lost a heartbreaker.
20
00:00:38,007 --> 00:00:40,676
Give me your state of mind,
then versus now.
21
00:00:40,710 --> 00:00:42,410
We wanted
to do it play by play,
22
00:00:42,444 --> 00:00:44,644
give it 100%,
execution-wise.
23
00:00:44,679 --> 00:00:46,712
- Execute.
- Okay.
24
00:00:46,746 --> 00:00:48,213
I'm gonna ask you something
completely different
25
00:00:48,248 --> 00:00:49,214
that's not about football.
26
00:00:49,249 --> 00:00:50,215
Look at me, Oz.
27
00:00:50,250 --> 00:00:51,416
just look at me for a second.
28
00:00:51,450 --> 00:00:52,451
I'm gonna ask you a question
right here.
29
00:00:52,485 --> 00:00:53,886
That a boy.
So you and your wife
30
00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:55,154
recently had--
right here.
31
00:00:55,189 --> 00:00:56,355
Stay with me.
32
00:00:56,389 --> 00:00:58,423
You and your wife
recently had twins, okay?
33
00:00:58,457 --> 00:01:00,224
How does it feel
to be a new dad?
34
00:01:00,259 --> 00:01:02,693
You know, we wanted to stay
As a team, execute,
35
00:01:02,727 --> 00:01:04,994
give 100%,
play by play.
36
00:01:05,028 --> 00:01:07,330
Okay, you know what,
I'm gonna just--I'm just gonna--
37
00:01:07,364 --> 00:01:09,232
I'm gonna do a little test
right now.
38
00:01:09,266 --> 00:01:11,632
Hey, Oz, how'd you get
to the game today?
39
00:01:11,667 --> 00:01:16,135
They a good team,
great team, 100%.
40
00:01:16,169 --> 00:01:17,936
And what'd you have
for dinner last night?
41
00:01:17,970 --> 00:01:19,138
- 100%.
- 100%. Yeah, you did.
42
00:01:19,172 --> 00:01:21,975
Of course.
100% of whatever 100% was.
43
00:01:22,010 --> 00:01:24,244
You know what,
can you just do me a favor
44
00:01:24,278 --> 00:01:25,945
and tell me
one specific thing?
45
00:01:25,979 --> 00:01:30,249
Like, just one actual, original
observation that you had
46
00:01:30,284 --> 00:01:32,317
about today's game?
47
00:01:32,352 --> 00:01:35,653
The game that you won
almost single-handedly.
48
00:01:35,688 --> 00:01:37,155
Do you think
that you could do that, Oz?
49
00:01:37,189 --> 00:01:39,457
- Oh, 100%.
- Oh, God damn it!
50
00:01:53,059 --> 00:01:55,364
Subs created by David Coleman.
51
00:01:55,521 --> 00:01:59,346
Sync & corrections by dwigt
www.addic7ed.com
52
00:02:00,511 --> 00:02:02,646
- Hey.
- All right.
53
00:02:04,249 --> 00:02:05,949
Thank you.
54
00:02:08,185 --> 00:02:10,587
- All right.
- Thank you, everybody, so much.
55
00:02:10,621 --> 00:02:12,255
Thank you, thank you.
Welcome.
56
00:02:12,289 --> 00:02:14,389
- I am Keegan-Michael Key.
- I'm Jordan Peele.
57
00:02:14,424 --> 00:02:17,693
And we are Key and Peele.
58
00:02:17,727 --> 00:02:19,361
Thank you.
59
00:02:19,396 --> 00:02:21,663
You guys know when Superman
and Batman
60
00:02:21,698 --> 00:02:23,765
meet in comic books
and TV shows?
61
00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:26,268
You know--if you're
a comic book fan. Yeah.
62
00:02:26,302 --> 00:02:27,636
They always meet,
and it's like they're equals.
63
00:02:27,670 --> 00:02:28,937
Yeah.
They're not equals.
64
00:02:28,972 --> 00:02:30,205
They're not equals.
No.
65
00:02:30,240 --> 00:02:31,774
They're, like,
if they're on a stakeout,
66
00:02:31,809 --> 00:02:33,443
like, what's Batman
supposed to do?
67
00:02:33,478 --> 00:02:35,746
There are the bad guys.
68
00:02:35,780 --> 00:02:37,180
I'll use my utility belt
Freeze--
69
00:02:37,214 --> 00:02:38,348
Got 'em.
70
00:02:38,382 --> 00:02:41,517
Okay.
71
00:02:42,886 --> 00:02:44,153
I'm gonna give you a tour
of Gotham.
72
00:02:44,188 --> 00:02:45,154
Please.
Of Gotham?
73
00:02:45,189 --> 00:02:46,322
- Yes.
- The city?
74
00:02:46,356 --> 00:02:48,057
Yeah, I was gonna get
in my Batwing...
75
00:02:48,091 --> 00:02:49,191
- Cool.
- and you and I could travel
76
00:02:49,226 --> 00:02:50,559
around,
fly through the sky.
77
00:02:50,593 --> 00:02:51,627
Oh, we don't need that.
78
00:02:51,661 --> 00:02:54,196
Just, what, you want
to climb on top?
79
00:02:54,230 --> 00:02:56,865
Come on.
80
00:02:56,900 --> 00:02:58,734
Get up on it.
81
00:02:58,769 --> 00:03:01,237
Jump up on it.
82
00:03:01,271 --> 00:03:03,739
Come on.
There you go.
83
00:03:05,108 --> 00:03:07,810
Is that--
Is that your utility belt
84
00:03:07,844 --> 00:03:10,145
I'm feeling?
85
00:03:13,883 --> 00:03:15,283
Hello, Skymall Magazine,
86
00:03:15,317 --> 00:03:16,584
this is Riyaz speaking.
87
00:03:16,619 --> 00:03:20,254
Hello, Riyaz.
I would like to report
88
00:03:20,288 --> 00:03:23,990
an item which I ordered
that arrived broken.
89
00:03:24,025 --> 00:03:26,794
Wendell Sanders,
Mockingbird Lane.
90
00:03:26,828 --> 00:03:28,495
That's right.
91
00:03:28,530 --> 00:03:30,564
I am showing the last item
that you received
92
00:03:30,598 --> 00:03:33,600
is the Superman bed
with the Mattress of Solitude.
93
00:03:33,634 --> 00:03:34,801
That's the one.
94
00:03:34,835 --> 00:03:36,736
Ordered it for my son
for his birthday,
95
00:03:36,771 --> 00:03:39,272
but I cannot give it to him
like this.
96
00:03:39,306 --> 00:03:41,607
And I'm pretty darn-tootin'
pissed about it.
97
00:03:41,642 --> 00:03:42,909
I'm really sorry, sir.
98
00:03:42,943 --> 00:03:45,711
I will start processing
your reorder right now
99
00:03:45,746 --> 00:03:47,213
with you on the line, okay?
100
00:03:47,247 --> 00:03:49,215
I ain't mad at you, Riyaz.
101
00:03:49,249 --> 00:03:51,050
It's just the system.
I know.
102
00:03:51,084 --> 00:03:53,185
Okay. thank you
for understanding, sir.
103
00:03:53,219 --> 00:03:54,652
Kids, eh?
104
00:03:54,687 --> 00:03:56,921
Huh?
105
00:03:56,955 --> 00:04:01,192
Oh, ki--well, yeah,
I just got the one myself.
106
00:04:01,226 --> 00:04:04,361
Had sex with a woman
and everything to get him.
107
00:04:04,396 --> 00:04:05,663
How long is this gonna--
108
00:04:05,697 --> 00:04:06,864
What is your son's name?
109
00:04:06,898 --> 00:04:12,369
Oh, um...
110
00:04:12,404 --> 00:04:15,706
Stimpy.
111
00:04:15,740 --> 00:04:17,474
Pretty much Stimpy.
112
00:04:17,509 --> 00:04:18,609
I have boys too.
113
00:04:18,643 --> 00:04:20,210
I'll tell you,
sometimes they can be
114
00:04:20,244 --> 00:04:21,912
a real couple
of you know whats.
115
00:04:21,946 --> 00:04:23,046
[bleep] ass[bleep]?
116
00:04:23,081 --> 00:04:25,148
You're preaching
to the choir, Riyaz.
117
00:04:25,183 --> 00:04:28,252
Stimpy, don't you give me
that look.
118
00:04:28,286 --> 00:04:30,787
You're gonna get it
when your mama comes home.
119
00:04:30,822 --> 00:04:32,989
Oh, my,
sounds like your wife is...
120
00:04:33,024 --> 00:04:35,792
Bitch on wheels.
You got that straight, Riyaz.
121
00:04:35,827 --> 00:04:38,228
Hot little biscuit, though.
122
00:04:38,262 --> 00:04:39,563
Name's Claire.
123
00:04:39,597 --> 00:04:41,432
Body: ten,
face: ten.
124
00:04:41,466 --> 00:04:45,203
So pretty much hit that
every night.
125
00:04:45,237 --> 00:04:47,371
Sexually.
126
00:04:47,406 --> 00:04:49,474
Anyway,
what's holding up the--
127
00:04:49,508 --> 00:04:51,009
Oh, one moment.
128
00:04:51,043 --> 00:04:54,011
And how old is your son?
129
00:04:54,046 --> 00:04:57,382
- 15.
- 15?
130
00:04:57,416 --> 00:05:00,018
And he still wants
a Superman bed.
131
00:05:00,052 --> 00:05:03,021
Ah, a late-bloomer.
132
00:05:03,055 --> 00:05:05,290
Enjoy it
while you still can.
133
00:05:05,324 --> 00:05:07,492
He'll grow out of the toys
any day now.
134
00:05:07,526 --> 00:05:09,895
They all do,
and, the second
135
00:05:09,929 --> 00:05:11,496
he starts hooking up
with the girls,
136
00:05:11,531 --> 00:05:14,667
he'll forget all about that
Superman and Spider-Man stuff.
137
00:05:14,701 --> 00:05:17,403
Pretty much seems
like how it would happen.
138
00:05:17,438 --> 00:05:18,904
Maybe then
he'll stop bothering me
139
00:05:18,939 --> 00:05:22,141
with all those stupid, little
facts about how those characters
140
00:05:22,176 --> 00:05:24,277
you just named are clearly
from two distinct
141
00:05:24,311 --> 00:05:26,379
and separate universes.
142
00:05:26,413 --> 00:05:27,980
Sadly, some people
never move on.
143
00:05:28,014 --> 00:05:30,015
Sad?
I got a better word for you.
144
00:05:30,049 --> 00:05:31,016
Pathetic.
145
00:05:31,050 --> 00:05:32,851
Well,
I wouldn't say pathetic.
146
00:05:32,885 --> 00:05:36,221
Hey, I calls 'em
likes I sees 'em, Riyaz,
147
00:05:36,255 --> 00:05:39,024
and I don'st tolerate nerds.
148
00:05:39,058 --> 00:05:40,926
In fact, let me nip this
in the bud real quick.
149
00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:44,129
Stimpy, Stimpy,
get back in here.
150
00:05:44,164 --> 00:05:45,731
- Well, I didn't mean to--
- There you are
151
00:05:45,765 --> 00:05:49,434
with your round body
and your creepy-ass face.
152
00:05:49,469 --> 00:05:52,071
No more sweets for you, 'cause
you're never gonna get laid
153
00:05:52,105 --> 00:05:53,872
if you keeps eating sweets!
154
00:05:53,907 --> 00:05:56,175
And another thing!
155
00:05:56,209 --> 00:06:00,179
All these figurines and toys
you got around the house,
156
00:06:00,213 --> 00:06:01,780
we're throwing 'em
in the trash,
157
00:06:01,814 --> 00:06:03,682
'cause they're not real people,
Stimpy.
158
00:06:03,716 --> 00:06:06,885
They're not real people,
so stop being so lonely.
159
00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:10,255
Stop being so lonely.
160
00:06:14,928 --> 00:06:19,231
Well--and this is none
of my business, of course,
161
00:06:19,265 --> 00:06:25,237
but I was wondering if your son
would like to talk to someone.
162
00:06:25,271 --> 00:06:26,972
Oh, [bleep]!
163
00:06:27,006 --> 00:06:28,373
Stimpy just jumped
out the window.
164
00:06:28,407 --> 00:06:30,741
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, he killed himself.
165
00:06:30,776 --> 00:06:32,042
Why'd he do it?
It must have been my fault.
166
00:06:32,076 --> 00:06:33,043
No, it wasn't.
Yes, it was.
167
00:06:33,077 --> 00:06:34,210
I'm gonna call the cops.
168
00:06:34,245 --> 00:06:35,679
Don't you dare cancel
that reorder.
169
00:06:35,713 --> 00:06:39,115
It's the only thing
I'll have to remember him by.
170
00:06:48,954 --> 00:06:52,357
Hey, you remember
the anti-drug advertisements?
171
00:06:52,391 --> 00:06:54,058
- Yes.
- This is my favorite
172
00:06:54,093 --> 00:06:55,059
anti-drug ad.
173
00:06:55,094 --> 00:06:58,329
My favorite anti-drug ad was...
174
00:06:58,364 --> 00:07:00,698
"What is this?
175
00:07:00,733 --> 00:07:03,801
What is this, son?"
176
00:07:03,835 --> 00:07:07,304
You know.
"Found this in your room.
177
00:07:07,338 --> 00:07:10,507
"Marijuana!
178
00:07:10,542 --> 00:07:12,009
"Who taught you to do this?"
179
00:07:12,044 --> 00:07:15,480
"I learned it
from watching you, dad!"
180
00:07:26,058 --> 00:07:28,125
If you're 14 and you see that,
where I'm from,
181
00:07:28,160 --> 00:07:29,760
You go, "That's the coolest dad
in the world."
182
00:07:29,794 --> 00:07:32,563
That's the coolest dad.
183
00:07:38,636 --> 00:07:40,571
Nobody likes you, you girl.
184
00:07:40,605 --> 00:07:42,574
Well, you're a different color
than me,
185
00:07:42,608 --> 00:07:43,975
and that's bad.
186
00:07:44,010 --> 00:07:45,978
Oh, yeah?
Well, you dress like--
187
00:07:46,012 --> 00:07:48,113
Now hold on a second!
188
00:07:48,148 --> 00:07:51,283
Whoa! Mr. T?
189
00:07:51,317 --> 00:07:53,251
Never make fun
of a way a man dresses.
190
00:07:53,286 --> 00:07:55,454
The way a man dresses
is his business.
191
00:07:55,488 --> 00:07:57,089
Remember that.
192
00:07:57,123 --> 00:07:59,058
Whether it's overalls,
chains,
193
00:07:59,092 --> 00:08:01,560
or feather earrings,
however they dress,
194
00:08:01,595 --> 00:08:03,062
it's not to be joked about.
195
00:08:03,096 --> 00:08:08,567
I pity the fool that judges
another man's clothing.
196
00:08:08,602 --> 00:08:09,935
I'm sorry
I judged your clothing.
197
00:08:09,970 --> 00:08:12,438
It's okay.
198
00:08:17,976 --> 00:08:20,511
Hey, Scout, there's a man
over there
199
00:08:20,545 --> 00:08:22,546
who said he'll give us candy
if we get in his van.
200
00:08:22,581 --> 00:08:25,215
Oh, I don't know
If that's a good idea, Timmy.
201
00:08:25,250 --> 00:08:27,051
What are you afraid of?
202
00:08:27,085 --> 00:08:29,853
Is it because you have
a stupid name like Scout?
203
00:08:29,888 --> 00:08:34,024
- Hey!
- Whoa! Mr. T again.
204
00:08:34,058 --> 00:08:35,592
Never make fun
of a person's name.
205
00:08:35,627 --> 00:08:37,294
Your mama gave you
that name,
206
00:08:37,328 --> 00:08:39,629
or you made it up
for business purposes.
207
00:08:39,663 --> 00:08:41,663
Either way, it's personal.
208
00:08:41,698 --> 00:08:44,299
I pity the fool that make fun
of another man's name.
209
00:08:44,333 --> 00:08:47,569
Mr. T's a cool name.
It's a cool name, Mr. T.
210
00:08:53,242 --> 00:08:55,110
Hey, Scout,
want to do some drugs?
211
00:08:55,144 --> 00:08:57,745
Aren't drugs bad?
212
00:08:57,780 --> 00:09:00,014
I don't know.
213
00:09:03,352 --> 00:09:04,452
If you're afraid of drugs,
214
00:09:04,486 --> 00:09:07,154
we could drink
a bunch of alcohol.
215
00:09:07,189 --> 00:09:09,757
Yum, that sounds good.
216
00:09:14,862 --> 00:09:17,965
Well, guess what,
your hair is stupid.
217
00:09:17,999 --> 00:09:20,267
Never make fun
of another person's hair!
218
00:09:20,302 --> 00:09:23,104
- Hey, Mr. T.
- A person's hair
219
00:09:23,138 --> 00:09:25,973
is the artwork that they present
to the heavens.
220
00:09:26,007 --> 00:09:28,308
It's just like
I've been saying...
221
00:09:33,147 --> 00:09:35,582
♪ Hair
222
00:09:35,617 --> 00:09:37,517
♪ It isn't fair
223
00:09:39,553 --> 00:09:42,822
♪ Beware
224
00:09:42,856 --> 00:09:44,857
♪ People care
About their hair ♪
225
00:09:47,828 --> 00:09:51,063
♪ "H" is for the home
where I lay my head ♪
226
00:09:51,097 --> 00:09:53,198
♪ And I cry
about your mean jokes ♪
227
00:09:53,233 --> 00:09:54,767
♪ in my bed
228
00:09:54,801 --> 00:09:58,203
♪ "A" is for anxiety
that fools provoke ♪
229
00:09:58,237 --> 00:10:02,274
♪ When they lookin' at my hair
and they makin' jokes ♪
230
00:10:02,308 --> 00:10:05,911
♪ "I" is for I don't like
the way I feel ♪
231
00:10:05,945 --> 00:10:10,082
♪ When you're jokin' that
my haircut does not appeal ♪
232
00:10:10,116 --> 00:10:13,251
♪ "R" is for the real mean jokes
you make ♪
233
00:10:13,285 --> 00:10:18,223
♪ And the hurtful
little potshots that you take ♪
234
00:10:18,257 --> 00:10:20,959
And, for your information,
it's not even a haircut.
235
00:10:20,994 --> 00:10:24,630
It's a rare form
of male pattern baldness.
236
00:10:24,664 --> 00:10:27,566
You fools!
237
00:10:41,881 --> 00:10:42,880
For real.
238
00:10:50,989 --> 00:10:53,624
- What's up?
- Last night on Showtimes,
239
00:10:53,658 --> 00:10:56,961
I saw some Lethal Weapon 2.
240
00:10:56,995 --> 00:11:00,564
Lethal Weapon 2 starring
the racist-ass Melly Gibsons?
241
00:11:00,599 --> 00:11:03,735
I know, I know, but I got
to tell you right up front
242
00:11:03,769 --> 00:11:06,037
and truthfully,
243
00:11:06,071 --> 00:11:08,774
racist-ass Melly Gibsons
is still kind of my [bleep].
244
00:11:13,612 --> 00:11:14,912
He's still my [bleep], dog.
245
00:11:14,946 --> 00:11:17,815
I don't know, dog,
racist-ass Melly Gibsons?
246
00:11:17,850 --> 00:11:19,083
Dude, I know, I know,
but think about it, man.
247
00:11:19,118 --> 00:11:21,285
Think about it.
remember when he jacked up
248
00:11:21,320 --> 00:11:23,221
all them mutants
into Road Warriors?
249
00:11:23,255 --> 00:11:24,723
Talkin' about...
250
00:11:24,757 --> 00:11:26,458
Bitch was like, "There's
nothing in here but sand."
251
00:11:26,492 --> 00:11:28,193
- Yeah.
- And then remember
252
00:11:28,227 --> 00:11:30,662
when he had taken that hatchet
and chopped up
253
00:11:30,697 --> 00:11:33,465
all them Englands, remember,
in The Patriot?
254
00:11:33,499 --> 00:11:35,434
And did it in front
of all his kids.
255
00:11:35,468 --> 00:11:38,770
You know what,
though?
256
00:11:38,804 --> 00:11:40,905
Racist-ass Melly Gibsons
is still my [bleep] too.
257
00:11:40,939 --> 00:11:42,273
- Dog.
- Remember when racist-ass
258
00:11:42,307 --> 00:11:44,908
Melly Gibsons was Blue Man Group
in Bravehearts?
259
00:11:44,942 --> 00:11:46,076
- Oh, my God, dogs.
- They was chopping off
260
00:11:46,110 --> 00:11:47,344
my man's head.
261
00:11:47,378 --> 00:11:48,845
My man was still talking
about...
262
00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:50,480
freedom!
263
00:11:51,883 --> 00:11:53,784
Or what about
Conspiracy Theories, though?
264
00:11:53,818 --> 00:11:55,919
- What? Oh, come on, man.
- What the [bleep]
265
00:11:55,954 --> 00:11:57,521
about Conspiracy Theories,
though?
266
00:11:57,555 --> 00:12:00,491
What the [bleep] about
Conspiracy Theories, though?
267
00:12:00,525 --> 00:12:03,327
What is going on?
268
00:12:03,362 --> 00:12:04,495
- Come on.
- You know racist-ass
269
00:12:04,530 --> 00:12:06,097
- Melly Gibsons be directing too.
- Hells, yeah.
270
00:12:06,131 --> 00:12:09,667
- What about Apocalypto?
- yo, racist-ass Melly Gibsons
271
00:12:09,702 --> 00:12:11,669
be telling the story
of a bunch of crazy-ass,
272
00:12:11,704 --> 00:12:12,937
old-fashioned Mexicans?
273
00:12:12,972 --> 00:12:13,972
who have been in the jungle
274
00:12:14,006 --> 00:12:15,740
getting chased by a panther.
275
00:12:15,774 --> 00:12:17,108
- Yeah, yeah.
- My man's straight up going...
276
00:12:21,647 --> 00:12:24,015
Man, and what about that
Passions of the Christ, though?
277
00:12:24,050 --> 00:12:25,116
Passions of the Christ,
though.
278
00:12:25,151 --> 00:12:26,351
Passions of the Christ.
279
00:12:26,385 --> 00:12:27,552
Passions of the Christ
where racist-ass
280
00:12:27,586 --> 00:12:28,720
Melly Gibsons made that movie
about Jesus
281
00:12:28,754 --> 00:12:30,155
in a kind of racist-ass way?
282
00:12:30,189 --> 00:12:31,222
- That was my jam.
- And you know
283
00:12:31,257 --> 00:12:32,524
what I just realized,
though?
284
00:12:32,558 --> 00:12:33,758
What's that, dog?
What's that?
285
00:12:33,793 --> 00:12:34,960
You know what would be
my [bleep]?
286
00:12:34,994 --> 00:12:36,428
What would be your [bleep],
though?
287
00:12:36,462 --> 00:12:38,030
If racist-ass Melly Gibsons
288
00:12:38,064 --> 00:12:40,966
costarred in a movie
with Jesus.
289
00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:43,935
Wait, now you talking
about the savior of all?
290
00:12:43,970 --> 00:12:46,371
The King of all Kings?
The Alpha and the Omega?
291
00:12:46,405 --> 00:12:48,807
And Jesus.
292
00:12:48,841 --> 00:12:51,342
That would be my...
293
00:12:51,377 --> 00:12:56,147
♪ [bleep]
294
00:13:05,339 --> 00:13:07,540
For this segment,
we're not gonna have
295
00:13:07,574 --> 00:13:09,408
a big, huge preamble here.
296
00:13:09,443 --> 00:13:13,446
I just simply want
to say that this scene,
297
00:13:13,481 --> 00:13:15,715
this offering if you will,
298
00:13:15,749 --> 00:13:18,417
is for the ladies.
299
00:13:21,321 --> 00:13:23,122
- What up, homies?
- Welcome to...
300
00:13:23,157 --> 00:13:24,724
- Cunnilingus class.
- I'm Shaboots Michaels.
301
00:13:24,759 --> 00:13:26,159
I'm T-Ray Tombstone.
302
00:13:26,194 --> 00:13:27,327
And we're here to teach y'all
how to...
303
00:13:27,362 --> 00:13:28,862
go down on bitches right.
304
00:13:28,896 --> 00:13:30,363
Now bitches ain't being
satisfied, so check it.
305
00:13:30,398 --> 00:13:32,132
Quit sucking
on that [bleep] so damn hard.
306
00:13:32,166 --> 00:13:33,500
Bitches don't like
that nonsense.
307
00:13:33,534 --> 00:13:34,768
That's like putting the tip
308
00:13:34,802 --> 00:13:36,069
of your penis
in the vacuum.
309
00:13:36,104 --> 00:13:38,272
- Y'all need to...
- chill on the [bleep].
310
00:13:38,306 --> 00:13:40,407
- Go around that business.
- That's like a button
311
00:13:40,442 --> 00:13:41,776
made of a million penis tops.
312
00:13:41,810 --> 00:13:43,444
Now every bitch
like her cunnilingus
313
00:13:43,478 --> 00:13:45,513
- a little bit different.
- Vaginas are like snowflakes.
314
00:13:45,547 --> 00:13:47,815
Snowflakes is different.
Learn your bitch's snowflake.
315
00:13:47,849 --> 00:13:49,249
Ask your bitch
what she wants.
316
00:13:49,284 --> 00:13:50,985
Then do what she says.
317
00:13:51,019 --> 00:13:52,219
Some bitches like it
in circles.
318
00:13:52,254 --> 00:13:53,287
Some bitches
like it up and down.
319
00:13:53,321 --> 00:13:54,655
Some bitches like it hard.
320
00:13:54,689 --> 00:13:55,923
Some bitches like it soft.
321
00:13:55,957 --> 00:13:58,025
Communicate
with your bitches.
322
00:13:58,059 --> 00:13:59,293
Make the alphabet
with your tongue.
323
00:13:59,327 --> 00:14:01,628
A-B-C-D...
324
00:14:01,663 --> 00:14:02,796
And when she grab your hair
325
00:14:02,830 --> 00:14:04,097
like she gonna pull
your damn head off...
326
00:14:04,132 --> 00:14:06,000
stay with that letter.
327
00:14:06,034 --> 00:14:08,803
I'm talking about B...
328
00:14:08,837 --> 00:14:10,670
or D...
329
00:14:10,705 --> 00:14:12,672
Vaginas deserve respect.
330
00:14:12,706 --> 00:14:14,207
You don't want someone
slapping around
331
00:14:14,241 --> 00:14:16,876
your little homey.
332
00:14:16,910 --> 00:14:18,144
- You with the hat.
- Yo.
333
00:14:18,178 --> 00:14:19,512
How you like your BJs?
334
00:14:19,547 --> 00:14:22,181
Damn, dog,
all the time.
335
00:14:22,216 --> 00:14:23,816
Shut the [bleep] up!
336
00:14:23,851 --> 00:14:25,118
That's 'cause penises is easy,
337
00:14:25,152 --> 00:14:26,219
and vaginas is hard.
338
00:14:26,253 --> 00:14:28,821
- They're...
- confusing!
339
00:14:28,856 --> 00:14:31,291
Imagine there's an explosion
at the envelope factory.
340
00:14:31,325 --> 00:14:32,992
Flaps everywhere.
A world of flaps.
341
00:14:33,027 --> 00:14:35,161
And you need to lick your way
out the factory.
342
00:14:35,195 --> 00:14:36,863
But every bitch's flaps
is different.
343
00:14:36,897 --> 00:14:38,564
Learn your bitch's
particular flaps.
344
00:14:38,599 --> 00:14:41,100
- Flaps be...
- crazy!
345
00:14:41,134 --> 00:14:42,735
Every flap
need to be listened to.
346
00:14:42,769 --> 00:14:44,384
And then you will get out
of that factory alive.
347
00:14:44,456 --> 00:14:45,404
Stay down there.
348
00:14:45,439 --> 00:14:48,207
Plan your breathing
like your swimming.
349
00:14:48,242 --> 00:14:50,243
- You gotta be talking about...
- stroke, stroke, breathe.
350
00:14:50,277 --> 00:14:51,678
Stroke, stroke, breathe.
351
00:14:53,547 --> 00:14:54,914
All right.
Let's take a five-minute break.
352
00:14:54,949 --> 00:14:56,215
And when we come back,
we gonna talk
353
00:14:56,250 --> 00:14:57,450
about warming your bitches up
before you get busy.
354
00:14:57,484 --> 00:14:59,218
And how to last
for more than two damn minutes.
355
00:14:59,253 --> 00:15:00,653
Take a peach and practice.
356
00:15:00,687 --> 00:15:01,954
- Practice on a peach.
- Take a peach and practice.
357
00:15:01,988 --> 00:15:03,322
- Practice on a peach.
- Take a peach and practice.
358
00:15:03,356 --> 00:15:05,358
- Practice on a peach.
359
00:15:14,635 --> 00:15:17,604
Well, I think
it's gonna work.
360
00:15:17,639 --> 00:15:21,007
30 down,
3 billion to go.
361
00:15:31,356 --> 00:15:32,923
Welcome to Metta World News.
362
00:15:32,957 --> 00:15:35,826
Our top story--
ninja costumes don't come
363
00:15:35,861 --> 00:15:38,429
in size triple-X,
which is discriminatory
364
00:15:38,463 --> 00:15:41,231
against enormous assassins.
365
00:15:41,266 --> 00:15:45,168
Do you know what?
Forget about the teleprompter.
366
00:15:45,203 --> 00:15:47,670
I need to speak
from the heart.
367
00:15:47,705 --> 00:15:49,439
Well, that wraps up
Metta World News
368
00:15:49,473 --> 00:15:51,541
for this Wednesday,
May Staple Gun Hairbrush.
369
00:15:51,575 --> 00:15:54,577
I'm Metta World Peace.
Good night.
370
00:15:59,967 --> 00:16:01,568
I made this mistake
in the past.
371
00:16:01,602 --> 00:16:06,673
If there's any question whether
a woman's pregnant or not,
372
00:16:06,707 --> 00:16:08,742
just don't say [bleep]
about it.
373
00:16:08,776 --> 00:16:10,644
This is what happened to me.
Just be the woman.
374
00:16:10,678 --> 00:16:12,212
Hey, Jordan.
375
00:16:12,246 --> 00:16:14,147
I said,
"Oh, congratulations."
376
00:16:14,181 --> 00:16:15,949
Congratulations for what?
377
00:16:20,721 --> 00:16:23,724
Hoo-hoo.
378
00:16:23,758 --> 00:16:25,192
And now I'm at the point where,
I don't care
379
00:16:25,227 --> 00:16:26,393
how many signals I get,
380
00:16:26,428 --> 00:16:28,996
I just won't even say anything.
381
00:16:30,732 --> 00:16:33,634
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I'm with you.
382
00:16:35,237 --> 00:16:38,372
- It's contractions now.
- Yeah, I got some gas myself.
383
00:16:40,742 --> 00:16:43,844
- Oh, God.
- I'm gonna sit down with you.
384
00:16:43,878 --> 00:16:45,913
- Oh!
- I'm gonna sit down with you.
385
00:16:45,947 --> 00:16:49,083
Me and you are--
386
00:16:49,117 --> 00:16:50,251
Oh, that is...
387
00:16:50,286 --> 00:16:52,721
Looks like,
but I can't be sure...
388
00:16:52,756 --> 00:16:54,590
I can't be sure.
389
00:16:54,625 --> 00:16:55,925
Mwah.
390
00:16:55,959 --> 00:16:57,627
Okay, that's clearly a child.
391
00:16:57,661 --> 00:16:59,028
Congratulations
on your pregnancy.
392
00:16:59,062 --> 00:17:01,230
- I'm not pregnant. What the--
- What the--
393
00:17:04,935 --> 00:17:05,935
Thank you, sir.
394
00:17:05,969 --> 00:17:08,137
All right.
395
00:17:08,172 --> 00:17:11,408
All right, how's everybody--
How's everybody doing?
396
00:17:12,443 --> 00:17:13,610
All right,
and you guys
397
00:17:13,644 --> 00:17:15,344
- can all hear me okay?
- Yeah.
398
00:17:15,379 --> 00:17:16,746
I know this guy
can right here.
399
00:17:16,780 --> 00:17:18,347
Boy, this guy's ears
are so big,
400
00:17:18,381 --> 00:17:19,848
He's laughing at jokes
from the Yuk-Yuk Club
401
00:17:19,883 --> 00:17:21,150
all the way
on the other side of town.
402
00:17:22,619 --> 00:17:23,853
All right.
403
00:17:23,887 --> 00:17:25,588
And you, sir,
you're doing okay?
404
00:17:25,622 --> 00:17:27,424
And you're getting enough
to eat?
405
00:17:27,458 --> 00:17:28,725
Is that even possible?
406
00:17:30,362 --> 00:17:31,562
Thank you, sir.
407
00:17:31,596 --> 00:17:32,630
Folks, I'm sorry,
408
00:17:32,664 --> 00:17:33,797
I'm gonna get everybody tonight.
409
00:17:33,832 --> 00:17:36,133
Nobody is safe.
I'm getting everybody.
410
00:17:36,167 --> 00:17:37,934
Except for you, sir.
I'm gonna leave you alone.
411
00:17:37,969 --> 00:17:40,771
Just like your date did tonight.
Hello!
412
00:17:40,805 --> 00:17:42,072
Huh?
All right.
413
00:17:42,107 --> 00:17:43,674
Okay, who's next?
414
00:17:43,708 --> 00:17:47,144
Who is next?
415
00:17:51,215 --> 00:17:56,554
Hey, ma'am, I get it,
you have breasts, okay?
416
00:17:56,588 --> 00:17:57,688
Jeez, I mean,
look at this chick over here.
417
00:17:57,723 --> 00:17:59,123
Her cleavage is giving
the Grand Canyon
418
00:17:59,158 --> 00:18:00,992
an inferiority complex.
419
00:18:03,929 --> 00:18:06,898
You skipped me.
420
00:18:06,932 --> 00:18:08,499
Who's talking right now?
421
00:18:08,533 --> 00:18:10,567
Do me.
422
00:18:10,602 --> 00:18:12,736
Yeah, hey, man.
423
00:18:12,771 --> 00:18:15,206
Look at that pink shirt
you got on there.
424
00:18:15,240 --> 00:18:19,877
Wow, where'd you get that?
Queertshirts.com?
425
00:18:19,912 --> 00:18:24,215
It's in support
Of breast cancer awareness.
426
00:18:24,249 --> 00:18:26,750
I am gay, though.
427
00:18:26,785 --> 00:18:27,818
Okay.
428
00:18:27,852 --> 00:18:28,919
Go for it.
429
00:18:28,954 --> 00:18:31,288
I can take it.
430
00:18:31,322 --> 00:18:34,190
Hmm?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
431
00:18:34,225 --> 00:18:36,926
No, hey, yeah, don't you worry
about that, man.
432
00:18:36,961 --> 00:18:38,328
Gloves are coming off.
433
00:18:38,362 --> 00:18:41,365
Okay.
434
00:18:41,399 --> 00:18:44,802
Right there, right there, what's
with the three drinks, man?
435
00:18:44,836 --> 00:18:46,971
Alcoholic much?
436
00:18:47,005 --> 00:18:49,507
This
is my pain medication.
437
00:18:49,541 --> 00:18:51,909
Of [bleep] course it is.
438
00:18:51,943 --> 00:18:53,777
It's your pain medication.
439
00:18:53,812 --> 00:18:58,350
'cause he is in pain.
440
00:18:58,384 --> 00:19:00,085
Right now.
441
00:19:00,119 --> 00:19:04,623
Make fun of the burns.
442
00:19:04,657 --> 00:19:06,558
Make fun of the--
What did you say?
443
00:19:06,593 --> 00:19:10,496
Because here's the problem, sir,
is it's really dark in here,
444
00:19:10,530 --> 00:19:12,464
and, sorry, are you burned?
Because I can't make it out.
445
00:19:12,499 --> 00:19:14,266
Thanks so much, ma'am,
for illuminating him.
446
00:19:14,300 --> 00:19:17,569
Thank you.
That's--I appreciate that.
447
00:19:17,604 --> 00:19:21,874
- Oh, those burns.
- Make fun of the robot voice.
448
00:19:21,908 --> 00:19:23,943
Sir, I don't know.
449
00:19:23,977 --> 00:19:25,445
Come on,
I can take it.
450
00:19:25,479 --> 00:19:27,481
Okay, well, no,
You know what?
451
00:19:27,515 --> 00:19:28,949
- I feel--
- Or the wheelchair.
452
00:19:28,983 --> 00:19:31,818
Look, sir,
there is nothing funny
453
00:19:31,852 --> 00:19:33,553
about you being
in a wheelchair,
454
00:19:33,587 --> 00:19:35,755
- and we can all--
- Oh, but there is something
455
00:19:35,789 --> 00:19:38,357
funny about me being fat?
456
00:19:38,391 --> 00:19:39,825
- All right.
All right, fine.
457
00:19:39,860 --> 00:19:41,093
Fine. I've got it.
I've got it.
458
00:19:41,128 --> 00:19:42,561
I'm doing it.
I'm doing it.
459
00:19:42,596 --> 00:19:43,963
I just didn't want to go
after this guy
460
00:19:43,997 --> 00:19:48,501
'cause I didn't want him
to kill me in my dreams.
461
00:19:48,535 --> 00:19:50,203
Like Freddy Krueger.
462
00:19:51,539 --> 00:19:52,806
Come on.
463
00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:54,507
'cause--no?
464
00:19:54,542 --> 00:19:58,544
You know, 'cause how Freddy
Krueger's face is burned off.
465
00:19:58,579 --> 00:20:00,981
That's not...
466
00:20:10,458 --> 00:20:15,061
- You ass[bleep].
- He said he could take it.
467
00:20:15,095 --> 00:20:16,129
That's what he said.
468
00:20:16,163 --> 00:20:18,598
I thought I could,
but I can't.
469
00:20:18,632 --> 00:20:20,100
How is this on me?
470
00:20:20,134 --> 00:20:22,268
How do we even know
if he's crying right now?
471
00:20:25,272 --> 00:20:27,106
I don't know that sound.
472
00:20:27,140 --> 00:20:29,574
It just sounds
like an electronic sound.
473
00:20:29,609 --> 00:20:33,345
The tears,
they burn.
474
00:20:33,379 --> 00:20:37,482
He said he could take it.
He s--
475
00:20:41,420 --> 00:20:44,222
Fellows, gentlemen,
it's time for you to go home
476
00:20:44,257 --> 00:20:45,357
and practice on a peach.
477
00:20:45,391 --> 00:20:46,558
Take a peach and practice.
478
00:20:46,593 --> 00:20:48,260
Take a peach
and practice.
479
00:20:48,294 --> 00:20:49,895
- There you go.
- There's a peach for you.
480
00:20:49,929 --> 00:20:51,229
- Take a peach and practice.
- Peach.
481
00:20:51,264 --> 00:20:54,599
- Peach.
- Got one? Got one?
482
00:20:54,633 --> 00:20:57,410
♪ I'm gonna do
my one line here ♪
483
00:20:57,492 --> 00:20:59,459
Oh, yeah.
35095
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof