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1
00:00:02,046 --> 00:00:03,276
I don't care.
2
00:00:03,351 --> 00:00:04,554
No, but I don't care.
3
00:00:04,588 --> 00:00:06,092
And I'm trying to help
people out over here.
4
00:00:06,126 --> 00:00:07,999
No, okay, you know what,
Jaqueline?
5
00:00:08,033 --> 00:00:09,236
No, I don't know. What?
6
00:00:09,271 --> 00:00:11,239
You need to think about
yourself sometimes,
7
00:00:11,274 --> 00:00:12,574
before you start
insinuating yourself
8
00:00:12,609 --> 00:00:13,809
in other people's business.
9
00:00:13,843 --> 00:00:15,681
Well, you know what,
Deenyce?
10
00:00:15,715 --> 00:00:17,118
I'm gonna insinuate myself
11
00:00:17,153 --> 00:00:18,321
whenever and wherever
I please,
12
00:00:18,355 --> 00:00:20,056
'cause it's
a free country, bitch.
13
00:00:20,091 --> 00:00:21,858
Ooh.
14
00:00:21,893 --> 00:00:22,859
- Uh-uh.
- Uh-huh.
15
00:00:22,894 --> 00:00:24,093
- Uh-uh.
- Uh-huh.
16
00:00:24,128 --> 00:00:25,463
Uh-uh. Okay.
You know what?
17
00:00:25,497 --> 00:00:26,765
Oh, we doin' this?
18
00:00:26,800 --> 00:00:28,467
Yeah, we doing this.
Okay, so we gonna--here, baby.
19
00:00:28,502 --> 00:00:30,304
Yeah, we are about
to fight now.
20
00:00:30,338 --> 00:00:32,373
Bring it on then, bitch.
Let's go.
21
00:00:32,407 --> 00:00:34,108
I ain't even playin'.
22
00:00:34,142 --> 00:00:35,376
'cause you know what?
23
00:00:35,410 --> 00:00:36,845
- Step to me then, go ahead.
- I wish you would...
24
00:00:36,879 --> 00:00:38,047
- Step to me.
- Step up...
25
00:00:38,081 --> 00:00:39,148
No, I would love for you
to step to me,
26
00:00:39,182 --> 00:00:40,518
- I really would.
- To me right now, bitch.
27
00:00:40,553 --> 00:00:41,888
But you're just talkin',
that's the problem.
28
00:00:41,922 --> 00:00:43,525
I don't even care no more.
29
00:00:43,559 --> 00:00:45,295
And you're talking though,
and that's all you're doing.
30
00:00:45,329 --> 00:00:47,865
- Call me a bitch again.
- Oh, yeah?
31
00:00:47,899 --> 00:00:49,033
- Call me a bitch again.
- Okay.
32
00:00:49,067 --> 00:00:50,034
- No, see what happens.
- Your wish is granted.
33
00:00:50,069 --> 00:00:51,036
See what happens.
34
00:00:51,070 --> 00:00:52,171
I would like
to see what happens.
35
00:00:52,206 --> 00:00:55,677
I would love to see
what happens.
36
00:00:55,712 --> 00:00:57,013
- Oh, you do?
- Oh, absolutely.
37
00:00:57,047 --> 00:00:59,749
So why don't you come
and bring it then, bitch?
38
00:00:59,784 --> 00:01:01,352
Ooh.
39
00:01:01,386 --> 00:01:02,586
See, no.
40
00:01:02,621 --> 00:01:05,056
You are riding
my last nerve.
41
00:01:05,090 --> 00:01:06,692
And I ain't even playin'
no more.
42
00:01:06,726 --> 00:01:09,896
I am not even playin'
no more.
43
00:01:09,930 --> 00:01:10,898
Oh, it's on?
44
00:01:10,933 --> 00:01:12,067
Then let's do something,
okay?
45
00:01:12,101 --> 00:01:13,169
You wanna go?
46
00:01:13,203 --> 00:01:15,439
Ooh.
47
00:01:15,474 --> 00:01:16,674
Uh-uh.
48
00:01:16,708 --> 00:01:18,342
Huh?
There we go.
49
00:01:18,377 --> 00:01:19,811
Let's do something.
50
00:01:19,845 --> 00:01:21,046
Uh-uh.
51
00:01:21,080 --> 00:01:24,116
- Uh-huh.
- Uh-uh.
52
00:01:24,150 --> 00:01:25,818
It's uh-huh.
It's uh-huh.
53
00:01:25,852 --> 00:01:27,086
Uh-uh.
54
00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:29,289
Let's do something, bitch.
55
00:01:29,323 --> 00:01:31,491
What?
56
00:01:41,120 --> 00:01:43,416
Ooh.
57
00:01:44,171 --> 00:01:47,207
We told you
not to mess with us, bitch!
58
00:01:50,980 --> 00:01:52,514
Y'all just saw that bitch
59
00:01:52,549 --> 00:01:54,716
turn into two little girls,
right?
60
00:02:10,461 --> 00:02:13,357
Sync & corrections by dwigt
www.addic7ed.com
61
00:02:16,976 --> 00:02:20,445
Whoo! Whoo!
62
00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:23,749
Yeah. Oh.
63
00:02:23,784 --> 00:02:25,952
- All right.
- Thank you.
64
00:02:25,986 --> 00:02:27,353
Thanks for being here, guys.
65
00:02:27,388 --> 00:02:28,988
- I'm Keegan-Michael Key.
- I'm Jordan Peele.
66
00:02:29,023 --> 00:02:29,989
And we're Key and Peele.
67
00:02:30,024 --> 00:02:31,324
Thank you for coming.
68
00:02:33,528 --> 00:02:34,628
You guys know
the Super Bowl Shuffle.
69
00:02:34,662 --> 00:02:36,096
Do you remember that?
70
00:02:36,130 --> 00:02:38,599
Yeah, unless you weren't born
in 1985.
71
00:02:38,633 --> 00:02:40,368
It was the '85 Bears.
72
00:02:40,402 --> 00:02:42,403
Put out this rap video,
73
00:02:42,437 --> 00:02:45,273
just saying how much
badasses they were.
74
00:02:45,307 --> 00:02:47,141
How bad--
how badass they were.
75
00:02:47,176 --> 00:02:49,377
No athlete has ever
been able to rap,
76
00:02:49,411 --> 00:02:50,812
and it sounds good.
77
00:02:50,846 --> 00:02:52,147
- It just doesn't happen.
- Right.
78
00:02:52,181 --> 00:02:54,349
There's something about
multiple concussions
79
00:02:54,384 --> 00:02:56,118
that just doesn't--
80
00:02:56,152 --> 00:02:58,887
it isn't conducive
to rhyming well.
81
00:02:58,921 --> 00:03:00,422
You don't just get to put
on the headphones and go,
82
00:03:00,457 --> 00:03:04,226
"Yeah, I gotta live it,
s-so I can give it."
83
00:03:04,261 --> 00:03:06,028
Nope.
84
00:03:06,063 --> 00:03:07,230
We gotta take it from the top
85
00:03:07,264 --> 00:03:08,431
'cause you messed up
the line, man.
86
00:03:08,465 --> 00:03:10,033
- Yeah, okay.
- Live it, do it.
87
00:03:10,067 --> 00:03:11,034
That's your only line.
88
00:03:11,069 --> 00:03:12,036
- All right. Mm-hmm.
- Ready? Go.
89
00:03:12,070 --> 00:03:13,103
We got do it and--
90
00:03:13,138 --> 00:03:14,438
- Nope.
- Gravitate toward it.
91
00:03:14,472 --> 00:03:16,807
You already--why are you
adding "gravitate?"
92
00:03:16,841 --> 00:03:18,175
- Okay. Mm-hmm.
- Now, Flavius...
93
00:03:18,209 --> 00:03:19,910
- Yes, yes.
- Can you just say four words?
94
00:03:19,945 --> 00:03:21,212
- Mm-hmm.
- And then we're gonna be good?
95
00:03:21,246 --> 00:03:23,815
- Four words!
- No, this--
96
00:03:28,754 --> 00:03:30,155
Hey, Jadinkalage?
97
00:03:30,189 --> 00:03:32,424
Yeah, L'Carpetron?
98
00:03:32,458 --> 00:03:36,295
Check out Leoz.
99
00:03:36,330 --> 00:03:38,297
I wonder what
he's dreaming about?
100
00:03:38,332 --> 00:03:41,901
He is probably dreaming
about what we is gonna do
101
00:03:41,935 --> 00:03:44,703
to the team from the West.
102
00:03:44,738 --> 00:03:47,506
I wonder.
103
00:03:55,983 --> 00:03:57,083
♪ T'Variusness ♪
104
00:03:57,117 --> 00:03:58,151
♪ T-King for short ♪
105
00:03:58,185 --> 00:03:59,219
♪ I'm a bad mamma-jamma ♪
106
00:03:59,253 --> 00:04:00,453
♪ and an awful sport ♪
107
00:04:00,488 --> 00:04:01,488
♪ Smoochie-Wallace ♪
108
00:04:01,522 --> 00:04:02,889
♪ You can call me Tyroil ♪
109
00:04:02,923 --> 00:04:05,191
♪ Rappin' up rushes
like aluminum foil ♪
110
00:04:05,226 --> 00:04:06,192
♪ McCringleberry ♪
111
00:04:06,227 --> 00:04:07,393
♪ I'm very scary ♪
112
00:04:07,428 --> 00:04:09,529
♪ If I got the ball
you best be wary ♪
113
00:04:09,563 --> 00:04:11,631
♪ L'Carpetron Dookmarriot ♪
114
00:04:11,665 --> 00:04:13,766
♪ I love the ball so much
I wanna marry it ♪
115
00:04:13,801 --> 00:04:16,736
♪ 'cause the Eastern
school's ♪
116
00:04:16,770 --> 00:04:19,639
♪ gonna beat the fools
from the West ♪
117
00:04:19,673 --> 00:04:22,942
Oh, yeah.
118
00:04:22,977 --> 00:04:24,644
♪ Where football's
concerned ♪
119
00:04:24,678 --> 00:04:28,448
♪ We gonna show you
that we are the best ♪
120
00:04:28,483 --> 00:04:31,818
♪ We are the best ♪
121
00:04:31,853 --> 00:04:34,288
♪ I'm Ibrahim Moizoos ♪
122
00:04:34,322 --> 00:04:36,590
♪ And my rhymes are clean
like my name is Dr. Seuss ♪
123
00:04:36,624 --> 00:04:37,891
♪ Probincrux III ♪
124
00:04:37,925 --> 00:04:38,892
♪ They call me "The Probe" ♪
125
00:04:38,926 --> 00:04:40,126
♪ I can intercept balls ♪
126
00:04:40,161 --> 00:04:41,227
♪ With my earlobe ♪
127
00:04:41,262 --> 00:04:42,362
♪ Shower-Handel ♪
128
00:04:42,396 --> 00:04:43,729
♪ That's my name ♪
129
00:04:43,764 --> 00:04:45,431
♪ Power candle sounds the same ♪
130
00:04:45,465 --> 00:04:46,832
- ♪ With Jackmerius ♪
- ♪ D'Squarius ♪
131
00:04:46,867 --> 00:04:47,834
♪ And Javarison-Lamar ♪
132
00:04:47,868 --> 00:04:49,201
♪ Flaxon-Waxon plays sax and
133
00:04:49,236 --> 00:04:50,950
♪ D'Marcus plays guitar
134
00:04:52,739 --> 00:04:55,207
♪ 'cause the Eastern school's
135
00:04:55,241 --> 00:04:57,642
♪ Gonna beat the fools
from the West ♪
136
00:04:58,501 --> 00:04:59,544
♪ Okay ♪
137
00:04:59,579 --> 00:05:00,609
♪ Don't you know ♪
138
00:05:01,314 --> 00:05:03,081
♪ Where football's concerned ♪
139
00:05:03,115 --> 00:05:06,952
♪ We gonna show you
that we are the best ♪
140
00:05:06,986 --> 00:05:08,853
♪ Indeedy, we are the best ♪
141
00:05:13,033 --> 00:05:14,666
It must have been
all a dream.
142
00:05:18,229 --> 00:05:19,232
Or was it?
143
00:05:26,904 --> 00:05:28,911
Oh, it's on.
144
00:05:34,913 --> 00:05:36,046
♪ What's up, y'all ♪
145
00:05:36,081 --> 00:05:37,181
♪ It's Jefferspin ♪
146
00:05:37,215 --> 00:05:38,415
♪ I'm the big left tackle ♪
147
00:05:38,450 --> 00:05:39,616
♪ Gonna help us win ♪
148
00:05:39,651 --> 00:05:42,085
♪ X-Wing @Aliciousness ♪
149
00:05:42,119 --> 00:05:44,888
♪ I'll use my force
to give the East distress ♪
150
00:05:44,922 --> 00:05:46,557
♪ L'Goodling-Splatt is
where it's at ♪
151
00:05:46,591 --> 00:05:49,593
♪ Running through defenders
and padding my stats ♪
152
00:05:49,628 --> 00:05:50,761
♪ Y'all know me ♪
153
00:05:50,796 --> 00:05:52,129
♪ I'm Washingbeard ♪
154
00:05:52,164 --> 00:05:54,799
♪ Catch so many balls
it's a little weird ♪
155
00:05:54,833 --> 00:05:58,069
♪ 'cause you know we gonna
win against the East ♪
156
00:05:58,103 --> 00:05:59,304
♪ Listen what we said ♪
157
00:05:59,338 --> 00:06:00,705
♪ We gonna get
the most points ♪
158
00:06:00,740 --> 00:06:02,274
♪ And they gonna get the least ♪
159
00:06:02,308 --> 00:06:04,509
♪ Just tryin' to calm the
voices running through my head ♪
160
00:06:04,543 --> 00:06:05,810
♪ Back it up ♪
161
00:06:05,845 --> 00:06:07,145
♪ It's Hardunkichud ♪
162
00:06:07,179 --> 00:06:09,780
♪ I hit the Q.B. and make
a noise like thud ♪
163
00:06:09,815 --> 00:06:12,083
♪ Can't block me
and all of that jazz ♪
164
00:06:12,117 --> 00:06:14,686
♪ 'cause y'all don't want none
of this Ozamataz ♪
165
00:06:14,721 --> 00:06:15,754
♪ The Player... ♪
166
00:06:15,789 --> 00:06:17,356
♪ T.J. A.J. ♪
167
00:06:17,390 --> 00:06:18,624
♪ Formerly Known... ♪
168
00:06:21,094 --> 00:06:22,060
♪ Lewith ♪
169
00:06:22,094 --> 00:06:23,061
♪ As Mousecop ♪
170
00:06:23,095 --> 00:06:24,295
♪ and Donkey Teeth ♪
171
00:06:24,330 --> 00:06:25,396
♪ I'm the touchdown man ♪
172
00:06:25,431 --> 00:06:26,497
♪ That's Grundelplith ♪
173
00:06:26,532 --> 00:06:27,832
♪ But y'all ain't ready ♪
174
00:06:27,866 --> 00:06:29,467
♪ For my man Dan Smith ♪
175
00:06:30,024 --> 00:06:31,565
♪ Yo yo ♪
176
00:06:32,204 --> 00:06:33,125
♪ Smith comma Daniel ♪
177
00:06:33,138 --> 00:06:34,859
♪ Other kickers in the League
don't hold a candle ♪
178
00:06:34,941 --> 00:06:36,241
♪ Cheerleaders up on
my chocolate crotch ♪
179
00:06:36,276 --> 00:06:37,643
♪ Those goddamn
baby cocker spaniel ♪
180
00:06:37,677 --> 00:06:38,977
♪ B.Y.U.
why you be ♪
181
00:06:39,012 --> 00:06:40,245
♪ Mad 'cause the bitches
wanna get with me ♪
182
00:06:40,280 --> 00:06:41,852
♪ Got Swisher Sweets
and dutchies rollin on' ♪
183
00:06:41,903 --> 00:06:42,781
♪ No other team can touch these ♪
184
00:06:42,815 --> 00:06:44,282
♪ Hittin' field goals
blunted ♪
185
00:06:44,317 --> 00:06:45,417
♪ Been drunk when I punted ♪
186
00:06:45,451 --> 00:06:46,651
♪ Been like a hundred times ♪
187
00:06:46,686 --> 00:06:48,120
♪ That I already done it ♪
188
00:06:48,154 --> 00:06:49,421
♪ Oh, [bleep] ♪
189
00:06:49,455 --> 00:06:50,789
♪ See these haters
thought I was playin' ♪
190
00:06:50,823 --> 00:06:52,291
♪ Stayin' away from my faces ♪
191
00:06:52,325 --> 00:06:53,559
♪ With all the bull[bleep]
they sayin' ♪
192
00:06:53,593 --> 00:06:55,127
♪ But just remember
who you tauntin' ♪
193
00:06:55,161 --> 00:06:56,499
♪ When you tossin'
those gauntlets ♪
194
00:06:56,537 --> 00:06:59,405
♪ I'm Dan Smith and the West is
gettin' rowdy like monsters ♪
195
00:07:06,203 --> 00:07:07,703
Question for you.
196
00:07:07,738 --> 00:07:10,940
Why do black people
love mafia stuff so much?
197
00:07:10,974 --> 00:07:12,608
We do, right?
198
00:07:12,642 --> 00:07:15,277
- Goodfellas, Godfather.
- Godfather.
199
00:07:15,312 --> 00:07:16,745
Godfather II, God--
200
00:07:16,780 --> 00:07:18,848
Mm, on the third one, but...
201
00:07:18,882 --> 00:07:22,451
We are very tolerant,
considering that
202
00:07:22,486 --> 00:07:25,621
uh, mafia--mobsters are the most
racist people in America.
203
00:07:25,655 --> 00:07:26,788
- Hands down.
- Right?
204
00:07:26,823 --> 00:07:28,823
They say the N-word
more than we do.
205
00:07:28,858 --> 00:07:30,258
Yeah, it's crazy.
206
00:07:30,292 --> 00:07:33,194
I mean, if you date
a mobster's sister...
207
00:07:33,228 --> 00:07:34,395
You will wake up
208
00:07:34,430 --> 00:07:35,864
with that bitch's head
in your bed.
209
00:07:37,224 --> 00:07:38,808
They're, like, the most
cold-blooded people
210
00:07:38,835 --> 00:07:40,135
- in the world.
- They just don't give a [bleep].
211
00:07:40,169 --> 00:07:41,570
They don't.
212
00:07:41,604 --> 00:07:43,672
- That's their motto.
- You laughed,
213
00:07:43,706 --> 00:07:47,575
but we're--we're gonna get shot
after we walk off the stage.
214
00:07:51,446 --> 00:07:52,747
I'm tellin' you, Vinny,
215
00:07:52,781 --> 00:07:55,383
no disrespect to your
dearly departed grandmother,
216
00:07:55,417 --> 00:07:58,480
but my aunt makes
a pasta--forget about it.
217
00:07:59,522 --> 00:08:01,690
Your aunt lives
in this neighborhood?
218
00:08:01,724 --> 00:08:04,392
Seems kinda dangerous.
219
00:08:04,427 --> 00:08:07,662
What are you,
McGruff the crime dog?
220
00:08:07,697 --> 00:08:09,873
Come on, we're late already.
221
00:08:11,234 --> 00:08:14,769
Hey, uh, you--you say
she lives in this house here?
222
00:08:14,804 --> 00:08:17,005
What the [bleep]'s the matter
with you, vinny?
223
00:08:17,039 --> 00:08:19,328
You're being rude.
let's go.
224
00:08:21,177 --> 00:08:24,513
I'm not trying
to be rude, it's--
225
00:08:24,548 --> 00:08:25,648
The lights are off.
226
00:08:25,682 --> 00:08:28,517
Maybe we--
let's come back later. Y--
227
00:08:28,552 --> 00:08:30,453
Hey, she's probably
just takin' a nap
228
00:08:30,487 --> 00:08:32,822
after the huge meal
she just made for us.
229
00:08:32,856 --> 00:08:34,423
Go in.
230
00:08:37,761 --> 00:08:39,027
I don't have the key.
231
00:08:39,062 --> 00:08:40,295
You should go in first.
232
00:08:40,329 --> 00:08:42,464
Oh, marrone, she said
she'd leave it open.
233
00:08:42,498 --> 00:08:47,636
Vinny, stop being
such a strunzo and get in there.
234
00:08:52,676 --> 00:08:55,678
All right, all right.
235
00:10:22,702 --> 00:10:25,670
Surprise.
236
00:10:29,108 --> 00:10:30,709
No, I'm good, man.
237
00:10:30,743 --> 00:10:33,145
You hungry?
238
00:10:33,179 --> 00:10:35,180
Sure, I could eat.
Yeah, man.
239
00:10:35,215 --> 00:10:37,049
Um, what you want?
240
00:10:37,083 --> 00:10:38,917
Uh, pizza?
Chinese?
241
00:10:40,420 --> 00:10:42,513
Kill that noise, man.
242
00:10:44,390 --> 00:10:46,252
I got a ratatouille.
243
00:10:48,962 --> 00:10:50,029
Oh, [bleep]!
244
00:10:50,063 --> 00:10:51,363
That's a rat, dude.
245
00:10:51,397 --> 00:10:52,531
No, it ain't.
246
00:10:52,565 --> 00:10:55,133
That's a ratatouille, yo.
247
00:10:55,986 --> 00:10:58,837
Hey, Ratatouille,
go make my man a sandwich.
248
00:10:58,872 --> 00:11:02,007
Yeah, show him what you got.
249
00:11:07,981 --> 00:11:09,482
What the [bleep], son?
250
00:11:09,516 --> 00:11:11,687
You got a rat up in your house?
251
00:11:13,220 --> 00:11:15,334
What this mean?
252
00:11:16,585 --> 00:11:18,591
I don't know what to say, man.
253
00:11:18,625 --> 00:11:20,292
I got a ratatouille, man.
254
00:11:20,327 --> 00:11:22,595
He a chef just like
in all them movies, man.
255
00:11:22,629 --> 00:11:23,829
No, no r--hey.
256
00:11:23,864 --> 00:11:25,565
There's only--
257
00:11:25,599 --> 00:11:28,134
There's only one movie, Levi,
all right?
258
00:11:28,169 --> 00:11:29,636
And he's not a ratatouille.
259
00:11:29,671 --> 00:11:32,506
He's a rat
and his name is Remy.
260
00:11:32,540 --> 00:11:34,908
- Potahto, potayto.
- Potahto, p--
261
00:11:34,942 --> 00:11:36,643
- I gots myself a ratatouille.
262
00:11:36,677 --> 00:11:39,112
That's all I know.
263
00:11:39,146 --> 00:11:41,080
Order up.
264
00:11:41,115 --> 00:11:43,066
Damn!
Oh, Levi!
265
00:11:47,973 --> 00:11:50,423
Voilà .
266
00:11:50,458 --> 00:11:52,325
Levi, look at this thing, man.
267
00:11:52,359 --> 00:11:54,794
You see it got
bite marks all over it.
268
00:11:54,829 --> 00:11:57,730
Any good chef
has to taste his creation.
269
00:11:57,764 --> 00:12:02,001
That's rat [bleep]
on the sandwich.
270
00:12:02,036 --> 00:12:04,171
He did make a sandwich though.
271
00:12:04,205 --> 00:12:05,372
Oh, hell no.
272
00:12:05,406 --> 00:12:06,540
I'm out.
273
00:12:06,574 --> 00:12:09,710
My dude, you need help.
274
00:12:09,744 --> 00:12:13,146
Hey.
275
00:12:13,181 --> 00:12:14,515
Oh, well, Ratatouille.
276
00:12:14,549 --> 00:12:16,917
Another negative review.
277
00:12:17,955 --> 00:12:20,020
Maybe you want it,
Charlotte's web.
278
00:12:26,006 --> 00:12:28,107
Has anybody been racially
profiled here?
279
00:12:28,115 --> 00:12:29,949
Yes.
280
00:12:29,983 --> 00:12:32,451
- Really?
- Yes. Yes.
281
00:12:32,486 --> 00:12:34,020
That's why we have
the glasses on, right?
282
00:12:34,054 --> 00:12:35,021
No, I'm good.
283
00:12:35,055 --> 00:12:36,155
I'm one of the nerdy ones.
284
00:12:36,190 --> 00:12:38,257
Here, right here.
285
00:12:38,292 --> 00:12:39,692
Carry on, carry on.
286
00:12:39,726 --> 00:12:41,694
Being a black man
it is--it is scary, man.
287
00:12:41,728 --> 00:12:44,096
We can get thrown away
for just no reason.
288
00:12:44,131 --> 00:12:45,164
Yeah, yeah.
289
00:12:45,198 --> 00:12:46,565
Wh--I did what to who?
290
00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:48,935
Like, d--but seriously now,
what?
291
00:12:48,969 --> 00:12:50,670
What are the charges?
292
00:12:50,704 --> 00:12:51,704
What did they get you for?
293
00:12:51,738 --> 00:12:52,872
D--I don't know.
294
00:12:52,906 --> 00:12:54,674
They asked me
to come down to the station.
295
00:12:54,708 --> 00:12:56,075
- Oh, really?
- Yes.
296
00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:57,142
- I was just--
- I came.
297
00:12:57,177 --> 00:12:58,677
- I'm a [bleep] idiot.
- I know.
298
00:12:58,711 --> 00:13:01,180
Yeah.
299
00:13:01,214 --> 00:13:03,148
Are you--is there
any Muslim-Americans in the--
300
00:13:03,182 --> 00:13:05,050
There we go.
301
00:13:05,084 --> 00:13:06,051
All right.
We're very pleased--
302
00:13:06,085 --> 00:13:07,052
You guys
have it the worst
303
00:13:07,086 --> 00:13:08,053
- right now though, right?
- Yeah.
304
00:13:08,087 --> 00:13:09,121
They'll just look at your name
305
00:13:09,155 --> 00:13:10,389
and see it's...
306
00:13:10,423 --> 00:13:12,791
All right.
[bleep] you go.
307
00:13:21,234 --> 00:13:23,035
Look Rajid,
308
00:13:23,069 --> 00:13:24,970
I'm gonna make this
really nice and easy for you.
309
00:13:25,004 --> 00:13:26,972
I need names and you're gonna
give 'em to me.
310
00:13:27,006 --> 00:13:28,173
You have to listen to me.
311
00:13:28,207 --> 00:13:30,342
You have to listen to me.
312
00:13:30,376 --> 00:13:33,244
This is all a huge mistake.
313
00:13:33,279 --> 00:13:35,580
Bull[bleep]!
314
00:13:36,882 --> 00:13:38,283
Department of Homeland
Security's
315
00:13:38,317 --> 00:13:41,052
been monitoring your calls
for weeks, Rajid.
316
00:13:41,087 --> 00:13:42,454
We got you.
317
00:13:42,488 --> 00:13:44,556
We know about you
and your friends.
318
00:13:44,590 --> 00:13:46,524
We know that you're a--
319
00:13:46,559 --> 00:13:47,525
Terrierist.
320
00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:50,728
I am a terrierist.
321
00:13:50,763 --> 00:13:53,598
We--me and my friends,
we breed dogs,
322
00:13:53,632 --> 00:13:55,300
specifically terriers.
323
00:13:55,334 --> 00:13:57,602
We write terrierist fiction.
324
00:13:57,636 --> 00:13:59,938
We spend a good deal of time
325
00:13:59,972 --> 00:14:02,775
discussing possible future
terrierist plots--
326
00:14:05,111 --> 00:14:06,978
Hmm.
That's a nice try.
327
00:14:06,997 --> 00:14:08,111
It really is.
328
00:14:08,742 --> 00:14:11,883
But it's bull[bleep], Rajid!
329
00:14:11,917 --> 00:14:13,017
Come on.
330
00:14:13,052 --> 00:14:14,352
Is that the best you got?
331
00:14:14,386 --> 00:14:16,253
Now come on, I'm listening.
332
00:14:16,288 --> 00:14:17,722
Just tell me.
Tell me.
333
00:14:17,756 --> 00:14:19,540
Tell me about
this imminent attack.
334
00:14:20,625 --> 00:14:22,760
What? What?
What attack?
335
00:14:22,794 --> 00:14:24,061
I don't know
what you're talking about.
336
00:14:24,095 --> 00:14:25,495
What are you t--what am i
talking about?
337
00:14:25,530 --> 00:14:27,230
- I don't--
- I don't know, huh? huh?
338
00:14:27,265 --> 00:14:28,531
I don't know
what you're talking about.
339
00:14:28,566 --> 00:14:29,933
- I'm telling you--
- No, you don't know?
340
00:14:29,967 --> 00:14:31,734
I don't know.
I don't know.
341
00:14:31,769 --> 00:14:34,070
June 11, Rajid.
342
00:14:34,104 --> 00:14:35,605
You spoke of an imminent attack.
343
00:14:35,639 --> 00:14:36,906
Oh, oh, yes. No.
344
00:14:36,941 --> 00:14:38,274
Listen, that was my friend.
345
00:14:38,309 --> 00:14:40,710
- Listen, his dog bit him.
- No.
346
00:14:40,744 --> 00:14:42,311
And I told him,
"If you do not train them..."
347
00:14:42,346 --> 00:14:44,781
- No.
- "another terrier attack
348
00:14:44,816 --> 00:14:45,782
"is imminent."
349
00:14:49,187 --> 00:14:51,221
So you lie
and you see what happens?
350
00:14:51,256 --> 00:14:53,623
I don't--
I'm not lying to you.
351
00:14:53,657 --> 00:14:55,524
Come on, Rajid.
I like you.
352
00:14:55,559 --> 00:14:57,693
let's be friends, huh?
353
00:14:57,728 --> 00:14:59,561
Now you still
haven't explained to me
354
00:14:59,596 --> 00:15:03,298
why we found, on the search
engine of your computer,
355
00:15:03,333 --> 00:15:06,468
the words "Target Washington"
49 times.
356
00:15:06,502 --> 00:15:09,771
That--that is because
I was in D.C. for a dog show
357
00:15:09,806 --> 00:15:12,041
and I had to buy a squeezy toy,
a birthday card,
358
00:15:12,075 --> 00:15:14,510
and some deodorant
all at an affordable price.
359
00:15:14,545 --> 00:15:16,312
All right.
360
00:15:16,346 --> 00:15:17,446
You can only
do that at Target.
361
00:15:17,481 --> 00:15:18,447
Yeah, okay.
362
00:15:18,482 --> 00:15:20,149
I see how you wanna play this.
363
00:15:21,817 --> 00:15:25,453
This is not a case
of mistaken identity, Rajid,
364
00:15:25,488 --> 00:15:27,655
and you know it!
365
00:15:27,690 --> 00:15:30,391
We've heard the conversations
between you and Jafar.
366
00:15:30,426 --> 00:15:33,395
Where you discussing your hatred
of American ideals.
367
00:15:33,429 --> 00:15:34,396
No, no, Idols.
368
00:15:34,430 --> 00:15:35,798
American Idols!
369
00:15:35,832 --> 00:15:37,132
I-I hate them.
370
00:15:37,167 --> 00:15:38,467
They performed "Dancing Queen".
371
00:15:38,501 --> 00:15:41,570
It was a desecration to ABBA.
372
00:15:41,604 --> 00:15:43,839
My favorite band.
373
00:15:43,874 --> 00:15:46,209
We got you on tape
referring to Jafar
374
00:15:46,243 --> 00:15:47,911
as one of the architects of--
375
00:15:47,945 --> 00:15:49,346
- 7-Eleven!
376
00:15:49,380 --> 00:15:52,015
it was 7-Eleven!
377
00:15:52,049 --> 00:15:56,686
Jafar--he designs
convenience stores.
378
00:15:58,189 --> 00:16:00,924
7-Eleven?
379
00:16:00,958 --> 00:16:02,659
Oh, [bleep].
380
00:16:02,693 --> 00:16:06,329
Wilson, 65 dogs just attacked
the Capitol building.
381
00:16:07,234 --> 00:16:08,297
Were they terriers?
382
00:16:08,332 --> 00:16:09,865
How did you know?
383
00:16:09,900 --> 00:16:11,067
[bleep]!
384
00:16:11,101 --> 00:16:13,470
Praise ABBA.
385
00:16:18,710 --> 00:16:20,611
Welcome to Metta World News.
386
00:16:20,645 --> 00:16:23,381
In sports,
I'd rather eat my hand
387
00:16:23,415 --> 00:16:25,283
than to have my penis cut off.
388
00:16:25,317 --> 00:16:27,885
I'd really have to believe
someone was gonna cut it off,
389
00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:31,155
but if I did,
I could definitely eat my hand.
390
00:16:31,190 --> 00:16:33,658
I know because
I had a dream where I did it.
391
00:16:33,692 --> 00:16:34,725
It was horrible.
392
00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:36,194
I ate my whole hand.
393
00:16:36,228 --> 00:16:38,897
Now that's what you call
"rhetoric."
394
00:16:38,932 --> 00:16:40,699
Well, that wraps up
Metta World News
395
00:16:40,734 --> 00:16:43,402
for this Wednesday,
April Hurricane Slipknot.
396
00:16:43,436 --> 00:16:44,703
I'm Metta World Peace.
397
00:16:44,738 --> 00:16:45,916
Good night.
398
00:16:53,562 --> 00:16:54,729
We go to the movies
together sometimes.
399
00:16:54,764 --> 00:16:56,998
- Yes.
- And we very often
400
00:16:56,999 --> 00:16:59,867
find ourselves
in these really annoying spots
401
00:16:59,935 --> 00:17:01,502
where the guys in front of us
are talking about a movie--
402
00:17:01,537 --> 00:17:03,237
they can't remember a movie.
403
00:17:03,271 --> 00:17:06,206
I've seen people get caught
in a crazy, like, vortex.
404
00:17:06,241 --> 00:17:07,708
Talking about--
hey, hey, man.
405
00:17:07,742 --> 00:17:09,342
You know,
what's the girl's name?
406
00:17:09,377 --> 00:17:10,410
What's the girl's name?
407
00:17:10,445 --> 00:17:11,945
- You know--
- She does this?
408
00:17:11,980 --> 00:17:13,947
- She does this?
- She don't do this.
409
00:17:13,982 --> 00:17:16,316
No, she, um--she on a boat.
410
00:17:16,351 --> 00:17:17,351
and then the dude
is on the boat.
411
00:17:17,385 --> 00:17:18,352
She's doing it--she doing it.
412
00:17:18,386 --> 00:17:20,254
She got--"I will
always--in love--"
413
00:17:20,289 --> 00:17:22,023
- She's says "I will--"
- "I'm on the boat."
414
00:17:22,058 --> 00:17:23,291
Oh, Whitney Houston,
Whitney Houston,
415
00:17:23,326 --> 00:17:25,694
Whitney Houston,
Whitney Houston.
416
00:17:25,728 --> 00:17:27,495
- She's blonde.
- Oh, and--oh, she blonde.
417
00:17:27,529 --> 00:17:28,762
She on the boat,
418
00:17:28,797 --> 00:17:30,564
and then the shark--
Jaws, man. Jaws.
419
00:17:30,598 --> 00:17:32,799
- Talking about Jaws.
- No.
420
00:17:32,834 --> 00:17:35,535
The boat sinks,
it crashes and sinks.
421
00:17:35,570 --> 00:17:37,104
- What can hit it?
- It sinks.
422
00:17:37,138 --> 00:17:39,006
It hits a big-ass ice cube,
and it sinks.
423
00:17:39,040 --> 00:17:41,342
Oh! Oh! Oh!
424
00:17:41,376 --> 00:17:42,443
Friday.
425
00:17:47,749 --> 00:17:49,850
- Damn, she was fly.
- She a'ight.
426
00:17:49,884 --> 00:17:51,685
Yo, man.
Can I ask you a question?
427
00:17:51,719 --> 00:17:53,086
Yeah. What?
428
00:17:53,121 --> 00:17:54,922
Why everybody messing
with the Batmans?
429
00:17:54,956 --> 00:17:56,289
See?
430
00:17:56,324 --> 00:17:59,226
That's exactly
what I've been asking myself.
431
00:17:59,260 --> 00:18:00,293
It don't make no sense.
432
00:18:00,328 --> 00:18:01,428
Why would you do it?
433
00:18:01,462 --> 00:18:02,896
Why would you do that?
434
00:18:02,930 --> 00:18:05,398
Why would you try and mess
with the Batman?
435
00:18:05,432 --> 00:18:07,400
- It's futile.
- It is.
436
00:18:07,434 --> 00:18:08,902
Yo, remember,
Heath Ledger tried to.
437
00:18:08,936 --> 00:18:10,403
Psh, I mean,
the Batman's got armor.
438
00:18:10,438 --> 00:18:11,738
And, you know,
some martial arts
439
00:18:11,772 --> 00:18:14,007
and moves--
440
00:18:15,309 --> 00:18:16,409
It don't work.
I got armor.
441
00:18:16,444 --> 00:18:17,944
- And then martial arts.
- Come on.
442
00:18:17,978 --> 00:18:19,846
- All you got is a purple suit
and some pancake makeup.
443
00:18:19,880 --> 00:18:20,913
Come on, man.
444
00:18:20,948 --> 00:18:22,148
I mean, come on, man.
Batman.
445
00:18:22,182 --> 00:18:24,850
- Why would you...
- mess with the Batman?
446
00:18:24,884 --> 00:18:26,785
- That's what I'm saying, man.
447
00:18:26,820 --> 00:18:28,153
Oh, remember
when Danny DeVito tried it?
448
00:18:28,188 --> 00:18:29,755
- Psh.
- Start walking around.
449
00:18:29,789 --> 00:18:30,789
Talking like...
450
00:18:37,097 --> 00:18:38,864
Come on, man.
451
00:18:38,898 --> 00:18:42,034
I mean, the Batman is a
multi-billionaire with a grudge.
452
00:18:42,069 --> 00:18:43,035
You're just
a little fat mother[bleep]
453
00:18:43,070 --> 00:18:44,771
in a tuxedo with an umbrella.
454
00:18:44,806 --> 00:18:46,473
- Exactly, man.
- Come on, man.
455
00:18:46,507 --> 00:18:49,109
It's like a pretend bird
can't mess with the Batman.
456
00:18:49,143 --> 00:18:51,210
No way. no way.
out of the question, man.
457
00:18:51,245 --> 00:18:52,478
But Jim Carrey though.
458
00:18:52,513 --> 00:18:54,647
Psh, Jim Carrey though.
459
00:18:54,682 --> 00:18:56,216
- Jim Carrey.
- Come on.
460
00:18:56,250 --> 00:18:57,383
"Riddle me this.
461
00:18:57,418 --> 00:19:00,320
Riddle me that, mans."
462
00:19:00,354 --> 00:19:02,188
How is Ace Ventura
gonna mess with the Batmans?
463
00:19:02,223 --> 00:19:03,423
- Well played. Well played.
- How is Ace Ventura--
464
00:19:03,457 --> 00:19:04,591
Well played.
465
00:19:04,625 --> 00:19:06,793
"Hey, Batmans.
I've come to get you."
466
00:19:07,829 --> 00:19:08,996
- Aah!
- Now see.
467
00:19:09,030 --> 00:19:10,364
How are you supposed
to block a Batarang
468
00:19:10,398 --> 00:19:13,366
from going in your butt with
a carefully crafted query?
469
00:19:13,401 --> 00:19:15,402
- You cannot. That's how.
- It's impossible.
470
00:19:15,436 --> 00:19:17,404
- Hey. Hey, psh.
Hey, psh. Hey, psh.
471
00:19:17,438 --> 00:19:18,972
- Michelle Puhfeiffer.
- Michelle Puhfeiffer.
472
00:19:19,006 --> 00:19:21,942
Michelle Puhfeiffer tried
to mess with the Batmans.
473
00:19:21,976 --> 00:19:24,377
Michelle Puhfeiffer tried to mess
with the Batmans.
474
00:19:24,412 --> 00:19:25,579
Michelle Puhfeiffer.
475
00:19:25,613 --> 00:19:26,980
- Michelle Puhfeiffer...
- Michelle Puhfeiffer.
476
00:19:27,014 --> 00:19:28,115
tried to mess
with the Batman.
477
00:19:28,149 --> 00:19:29,916
- Michelle Puhfeiffer.
- Michelle Puhfeiffer.
478
00:19:29,951 --> 00:19:31,217
Guess what,
Michelle Puhfeiffer?
479
00:19:31,252 --> 00:19:33,186
- You ain't a real cat!
- Come on.
480
00:19:33,220 --> 00:19:34,453
I'll tell you one thing.
481
00:19:34,488 --> 00:19:36,857
Ain't no way you gonna meow-s
with the Batman.
482
00:19:36,891 --> 00:19:39,059
But what about
Arnold Scharzenegger though ?
483
00:19:39,060 --> 00:19:40,471
What's Arnold Scharzenegger
trying to do?
484
00:19:40,481 --> 00:19:41,095
Come on, man.
485
00:19:41,129 --> 00:19:42,296
What is
Arnold Scharzenegger--
486
00:19:42,330 --> 00:19:44,599
Feel the burn. Feel the burn.
Feel the burn.
487
00:19:44,633 --> 00:19:46,567
It should be in your triceps.
488
00:19:46,602 --> 00:19:48,203
- Come on, man.
- Arnold Scharzenegger--
489
00:19:48,237 --> 00:19:49,437
You can't turn up the AC
490
00:19:49,472 --> 00:19:51,239
and think that's gonna mess
with the Batman.
491
00:19:51,274 --> 00:19:52,340
What is it supposed to be
doing to the Batman?
492
00:19:52,374 --> 00:19:54,075
- Giving the Batmans a cold?
- Come on, man.
493
00:19:54,109 --> 00:19:55,443
Giving the Batmans
a sniffle?
494
00:19:55,477 --> 00:19:57,145
Man, talking
about Bat lozenge.
495
00:19:57,179 --> 00:19:58,346
And you're defeated.
496
00:19:58,381 --> 00:19:59,681
Come on, man.
497
00:19:59,715 --> 00:20:01,416
You know,
there is one person though.
498
00:20:01,450 --> 00:20:03,051
Oh, no, no, no.
Here it come now.
499
00:20:03,085 --> 00:20:04,052
There is one person
who could--
500
00:20:04,087 --> 00:20:05,487
Here it comes right now.
501
00:20:05,521 --> 00:20:06,588
- Mm-hmm.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
502
00:20:06,623 --> 00:20:07,589
There's one person
who could...
503
00:20:07,624 --> 00:20:08,891
Here it comes right now.
504
00:20:08,925 --> 00:20:11,960
did, and shall again
bested the Batman.
505
00:20:11,995 --> 00:20:13,095
- No, no, no.
- Whoo!
506
00:20:13,129 --> 00:20:15,798
- Boy, here it comes.
- He trained the Batman.
507
00:20:15,833 --> 00:20:18,367
He gave the Batmans his skills.
508
00:20:18,402 --> 00:20:19,802
He's a mirror image
of the Batmans
509
00:20:19,837 --> 00:20:21,871
in fighting prowess.
510
00:20:21,906 --> 00:20:24,774
- I'm talking about...
- Ra's Al Ghul!
511
00:20:24,809 --> 00:20:25,908
That's right, dog.
Right there.
512
00:20:25,943 --> 00:20:27,744
Talk about straight up
Ra's Al Ghul.
513
00:20:27,778 --> 00:20:31,313
- Played by the incomparable...
- Liam Neesons.
514
00:20:31,348 --> 00:20:34,817
So even when we are talking
about the Batmans...
515
00:20:34,851 --> 00:20:40,856
Liam Neesons
is my [bleep].
516
00:20:46,430 --> 00:20:47,496
Thank you.
517
00:20:47,531 --> 00:20:49,264
Praise ABBA!
518
00:20:49,299 --> 00:20:50,833
- Good night, everybody.
- All right. Thank you.
519
00:20:50,867 --> 00:20:52,401
Good night, guys.
520
00:20:57,874 --> 00:21:00,843
♪ I'm gonna do
my one line here ♪
521
00:21:00,877 --> 00:21:02,878
Oh, yeah.
522
00:21:04,984 --> 00:21:09,298
Sync & corrections by dwigt
www.addic7ed.com
36662
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