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1
00:00:14,619 --> 00:00:16,864
Go, kids.
2
00:01:21,008 --> 00:01:24,576
Sync & corrections by dwigt
www.addic7ed.com
3
00:01:27,009 --> 00:01:28,977
Whoa!
4
00:01:31,385 --> 00:01:34,220
Thank you.
5
00:01:35,445 --> 00:01:36,445
Good to see ya.
6
00:01:36,515 --> 00:01:39,050
Good to see ya.
7
00:01:39,990 --> 00:01:41,677
Thank you. Wow.
8
00:01:41,756 --> 00:01:42,756
Oh, my goodness.
9
00:01:42,935 --> 00:01:45,103
Okay, thank you so much.
Oh!
10
00:01:45,500 --> 00:01:47,005
Whoa!
11
00:01:47,039 --> 00:01:47,908
Wow.
12
00:01:47,969 --> 00:01:49,237
I am Keegan-Michael Key.
13
00:01:49,271 --> 00:01:50,162
I am Jordan Peele.
14
00:01:50,222 --> 00:01:51,331
And we are Key and Peele.
15
00:01:51,361 --> 00:01:52,961
Thanks for coming out.
16
00:01:55,749 --> 00:01:57,750
- Well, we're glad to be back.
- Yeah, glad to be back.
17
00:01:57,784 --> 00:01:58,984
It's the beginning
of the third season.
18
00:01:59,018 --> 00:02:01,179
And we're happy to be back.
19
00:02:01,688 --> 00:02:03,489
Thank you very much.
20
00:02:03,523 --> 00:02:05,190
- A lot has happened...
- Yes.
21
00:02:05,224 --> 00:02:06,592
over the year
that we've been gone.
22
00:02:06,626 --> 00:02:07,893
We had to respond
to some of the things
23
00:02:07,927 --> 00:02:09,194
that are happening out there.
24
00:02:09,228 --> 00:02:11,463
I think... you know, race
is really polarizing...
25
00:02:11,498 --> 00:02:12,831
- Yes, it... mm-hmm.
- in this country.
26
00:02:12,866 --> 00:02:15,834
we... and we, you know...
we visit race ourselves
27
00:02:15,974 --> 00:02:17,908
a couple of times,
you know, here and there.
28
00:02:17,942 --> 00:02:18,942
And sometimes what we'll do
29
00:02:18,998 --> 00:02:21,248
is we find ourselves
encountering
30
00:02:21,261 --> 00:02:23,296
older African American fans.
31
00:02:23,309 --> 00:02:25,977
And what's funny is
the spectrum of fandom is easy.
32
00:02:26,012 --> 00:02:28,013
if you're a 12-year-old and
you're a fan of Key and Peele
33
00:02:28,047 --> 00:02:30,382
this is what usually happens:
34
00:02:30,417 --> 00:02:31,617
You just love it.
35
00:02:31,651 --> 00:02:33,318
But if you are...
if you're 62 years old
36
00:02:33,331 --> 00:02:34,432
and you're a fan
of Key and Peele,
37
00:02:34,487 --> 00:02:36,117
it's like, "All right."
38
00:02:40,333 --> 00:02:41,894
Hey. Hey.
39
00:02:41,928 --> 00:02:43,762
- This gentleman...
- It's him right there.
40
00:02:43,797 --> 00:02:44,738
"Hey, man.
41
00:02:44,754 --> 00:02:46,088
"I'm enjoying the program,
young man.
42
00:02:46,521 --> 00:02:47,722
"Tread lightly."
43
00:02:47,756 --> 00:02:49,296
"Tread lightly."
44
00:02:50,102 --> 00:02:52,438
The older you are, the more
you have to say to us.
45
00:02:52,472 --> 00:02:54,406
It's like the conversation
just doesn't end.
46
00:02:54,441 --> 00:02:55,674
- Yeah, yeah.
- All right, thank you, sir.
47
00:02:55,708 --> 00:02:56,842
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you for watching.
48
00:02:56,876 --> 00:02:57,876
Good to see you, man.
all right.
49
00:02:57,911 --> 00:02:59,144
I'm surprised you watch.
50
00:02:59,178 --> 00:03:00,145
Hey, keep doing
what you're doing though.
51
00:03:00,179 --> 00:03:01,043
Will do.
all right, man.
52
00:03:01,254 --> 00:03:02,587
Okay, young buck, keep doing
what you're doing.
53
00:03:02,622 --> 00:03:04,088
- Thank you, man.
- Don't let it stop now, man.
54
00:03:04,123 --> 00:03:05,528
- Keep your thang up. okay?
- You got it.
55
00:03:05,559 --> 00:03:06,377
But just remember,
56
00:03:06,392 --> 00:03:07,359
you ain't on thin ice,
brother,
57
00:03:07,435 --> 00:03:08,123
but you're on ice.
58
00:03:08,184 --> 00:03:09,151
- All right.
- Okay.
59
00:03:09,185 --> 00:03:11,175
Just make sure
you keep it going.
60
00:03:11,210 --> 00:03:13,111
- I got you.
- All right.
61
00:03:13,145 --> 00:03:15,195
But you know, we got an...
an opportunity.
62
00:03:15,227 --> 00:03:17,863
- All right.
- Lots of people.
63
00:03:17,897 --> 00:03:18,879
You're still talking to me?
64
00:03:18,896 --> 00:03:20,878
You're standing on the shoulders
of a lot of people.
65
00:03:20,934 --> 00:03:23,001
- We're still talking?
- Stay responsible.
66
00:03:23,035 --> 00:03:24,803
- All right.
- Whatever you do, man.
67
00:03:24,838 --> 00:03:26,472
Make sure you're
staying responsible.
68
00:03:27,052 --> 00:03:27,783
It's not...
69
00:03:27,783 --> 00:03:29,207
I ain't trying to shut you down.
70
00:03:29,241 --> 00:03:30,275
- It's not even...
- I want you to have
71
00:03:30,309 --> 00:03:32,010
- your creative freedom.
- Oh!
72
00:03:34,246 --> 00:03:35,380
That's good.
73
00:03:35,414 --> 00:03:38,517
We, um... we wanted
to take this opportunity
74
00:03:38,576 --> 00:03:39,906
to apologize,
75
00:03:40,511 --> 00:03:43,589
just to everybody
named "Aaron."
76
00:03:43,623 --> 00:03:46,424
Although, you know, if you're
a white dude named Aaron,
77
00:03:46,459 --> 00:03:49,699
and you went to school, and they
started calling you "A.A. Ron..."
78
00:03:50,497 --> 00:03:52,980
kind of the coolest thing
that's ever happened to you.
79
00:03:55,910 --> 00:03:57,744
All right, we're gonna take
a little roll here.
80
00:03:57,903 --> 00:04:00,505
- Jay Quellin.
- Here.
81
00:04:00,707 --> 00:04:03,842
- You are present?
Balakay.
82
00:04:03,877 --> 00:04:05,944
- Uh, here.
- Uh-huh.
83
00:04:05,979 --> 00:04:07,846
- Dee-Nice.
- Here.
84
00:04:07,881 --> 00:04:09,481
Good.
85
00:04:09,516 --> 00:04:11,383
Jay-Seeka.
86
00:04:11,417 --> 00:04:13,819
Thank you.
87
00:04:13,853 --> 00:04:15,220
Mr. Garvey?
88
00:04:15,254 --> 00:04:17,756
What is it, A.A. Ron?
89
00:04:17,790 --> 00:04:20,959
Some of us need to leave
a few minutes early today.
90
00:04:21,533 --> 00:04:23,000
Oh.
91
00:04:24,304 --> 00:04:26,372
- Oh, is that so?
- Mm-hmm.
92
00:04:26,533 --> 00:04:29,015
And what pray tell...
93
00:04:30,290 --> 00:04:34,012
is the reason for
this premature exodus?
94
00:04:35,010 --> 00:04:36,805
Yearbook photos.
95
00:04:37,078 --> 00:04:39,657
Um, we have to leave
15 minutes early
96
00:04:39,712 --> 00:04:41,279
to meet up with our clubs.
97
00:04:41,313 --> 00:04:43,749
Okay.
98
00:04:43,783 --> 00:04:44,883
All right, you know what?
99
00:04:44,918 --> 00:04:47,553
That might work
with other substitute teachers,
100
00:04:47,587 --> 00:04:49,320
but I taught
in the inner city
101
00:04:49,355 --> 00:04:51,177
for over 20 years.
102
00:04:51,422 --> 00:04:54,530
Now, y'all wanna
leave my class early
103
00:04:54,626 --> 00:04:58,128
so y'all can go meet up
at "the club."
104
00:04:58,330 --> 00:05:00,732
Ain't none of y'all
old enough
105
00:05:00,767 --> 00:05:03,134
to go to the damn club!
106
00:05:03,572 --> 00:05:05,203
Ridiculous.
107
00:05:06,060 --> 00:05:09,808
- Mr. Garvey?
- Dumb son of a bitch!
108
00:05:09,842 --> 00:05:12,410
Did I
st-st-st-st-st-stutter?
109
00:05:12,445 --> 00:05:14,245
Just then, yes.
110
00:05:14,658 --> 00:05:17,428
I'm gonna throw you out
the goddamn window!
111
00:05:18,747 --> 00:05:19,818
What, Jay Quellin?
112
00:05:19,852 --> 00:05:21,853
Mr. Garvey, we're...
we're telling the truth.
113
00:05:21,888 --> 00:05:23,521
We... we have clubs
at the school.
114
00:05:23,556 --> 00:05:25,356
We have clubs
for special interests.
115
00:05:25,391 --> 00:05:28,293
Okay, I see.
so y'all wanna play.
116
00:05:28,327 --> 00:05:29,427
Y'all wanna play.
117
00:05:29,462 --> 00:05:31,162
Yeah, okay,
we gonna play little games.
118
00:05:31,637 --> 00:05:33,398
Fine. I'll play.
119
00:05:33,432 --> 00:05:35,883
I'm more than happy to play
some games with y'all.
120
00:05:35,895 --> 00:05:39,465
Anyone who's in a club...
stand your ass up.
121
00:05:41,140 --> 00:05:43,942
Uh-huh. Oh, yeah,
there it is, there it is.
122
00:05:43,977 --> 00:05:46,111
The usual suspects.
123
00:05:46,145 --> 00:05:49,072
What the hell club
are you in, Jay Quellin?
124
00:05:49,735 --> 00:05:51,182
Future leaders
of America.
125
00:05:51,217 --> 00:05:54,219
Okay, okay.
126
00:05:54,253 --> 00:05:57,422
How would you know
if you're gonna be a leader
127
00:05:57,456 --> 00:05:58,724
in the future?
128
00:05:59,093 --> 00:06:02,193
Is there a Stargate
in your bedroom?
129
00:06:02,228 --> 00:06:04,562
Can you travel through time,
Jay Quellin?
130
00:06:04,597 --> 00:06:06,865
- No.
- Then sit the flip down!
131
00:06:07,109 --> 00:06:08,643
Balakay, I...
Here's the thing.
132
00:06:08,654 --> 00:06:11,003
I don't even know why
I'm about to ask you this.
133
00:06:11,037 --> 00:06:14,039
Balakay,
what club are you in?
134
00:06:14,073 --> 00:06:15,674
Um, part of the Spanish club.
135
00:06:15,708 --> 00:06:18,143
Span... the Sp...
you about as Spanish
136
00:06:18,177 --> 00:06:19,611
as Reeon Seacrest,
137
00:06:19,646 --> 00:06:21,897
with your big-ass
Fraggle Rock hair!
138
00:06:23,473 --> 00:06:24,773
How 'bout you, Dee-Nice?
139
00:06:24,997 --> 00:06:26,536
I'm in the Chess club.
140
00:06:27,787 --> 00:06:29,688
Uh, I'm sorry, sweetheart,
141
00:06:29,722 --> 00:06:32,824
you are not
in the Chest club.
142
00:06:32,859 --> 00:06:34,798
The "Mosquito Bite club,"
maybe.
143
00:06:34,832 --> 00:06:37,934
- Ah, that's hurtful.
- Truthful.
144
00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:40,165
There he is.
145
00:06:40,199 --> 00:06:43,001
- A.A. Ron...
- Hey.
146
00:06:43,036 --> 00:06:45,704
What club are you in?
147
00:06:46,292 --> 00:06:48,749
I'm the president of the Glee club.
Why did I talk?
148
00:06:48,816 --> 00:06:51,351
The Glee club?
Aah!
149
00:06:51,577 --> 00:06:53,845
Like they gonna have
a club
150
00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:56,748
dedicated to a TV show!
151
00:06:56,783 --> 00:06:59,350
Take your ass to
Oh-Shag-Henessy's office
152
00:06:59,385 --> 00:07:02,054
right now,
before I bust a club
153
00:07:02,088 --> 00:07:03,855
- up in your butt!
- Okay.
154
00:07:03,890 --> 00:07:05,991
- Go!
- Okay, I'm gonna go.
155
00:07:06,496 --> 00:07:08,293
Mischievous and deceitful!
156
00:07:08,306 --> 00:07:10,397
Chicanerous and deplorable.
157
00:07:10,436 --> 00:07:12,558
This is Principal O'Shaughnessy.
158
00:07:12,699 --> 00:07:14,666
Students, please report
to the gymnasium
159
00:07:14,701 --> 00:07:16,668
- for your club photos.
- Fake announcement.
160
00:07:16,703 --> 00:07:20,672
Now, does anybody in here
have a valid reason
161
00:07:20,707 --> 00:07:23,175
for leaving this classroom?
Tym-Oh-Thee.
162
00:07:23,209 --> 00:07:25,177
- I gotta pick up my daughter.
- You're excused.
163
00:07:28,071 --> 00:07:29,572
Yo, yo, yo, what up,
what up, what up?
164
00:07:29,606 --> 00:07:31,607
Welcome to Battle Rap,
where we're gonna battle rap
165
00:07:31,642 --> 00:07:33,509
every day in the month of
February, y'all.
166
00:07:33,544 --> 00:07:35,378
Yo, I'm your host,
Big Peep-Paroo!
167
00:07:35,412 --> 00:07:36,912
- R-r-r-roo!
- That's right, that's right,
168
00:07:36,947 --> 00:07:38,981
that's right, that's right.
To my left, we got the champion.
169
00:07:39,015 --> 00:07:40,616
Yo, introduce, son!
- Yeah, what's happenin'?
170
00:07:40,651 --> 00:07:43,386
This your boy, Rhino D,
and I'm about to fronthand...
171
00:07:43,420 --> 00:07:44,954
backhand his ass
off the mic!
172
00:07:44,988 --> 00:07:46,389
That's right, that's right,
that's right.
173
00:07:46,423 --> 00:07:47,890
And on my right,
we got the challenger.
174
00:07:47,924 --> 00:07:49,158
- Introduce yourself, playa.
- Yeah, what's up, man?
175
00:07:49,192 --> 00:07:50,593
I'm Diller Killer,
in the house.
176
00:07:50,627 --> 00:07:53,563
100 USDA pure meat.
no filler right here, dawg.
177
00:07:53,597 --> 00:07:55,498
- Hoo! Hoo!
- Okay, okay.
178
00:07:55,532 --> 00:07:57,299
Yo, Diller lost the toss,
so you go first.
179
00:07:57,334 --> 00:07:59,001
Okay, gentlemen,
battle rap!
180
00:07:59,035 --> 00:08:00,370
All right, yeah, man.
Now, here we go.
181
00:08:00,404 --> 00:08:02,372
You're shook, son.
I'm gonna eat you for breakfast.
182
00:08:02,406 --> 00:08:03,773
- 'cause I'm a cook, son.
- Ha ha!
183
00:08:03,807 --> 00:08:06,208
I stole a cop-a-feel
from your girl's breasteses!
184
00:08:06,243 --> 00:08:07,410
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
185
00:08:09,145 --> 00:08:10,580
Wait a minute.
Get back.
186
00:08:12,416 --> 00:08:14,105
He don't even know, man.
Hey, listen, man.
187
00:08:14,132 --> 00:08:16,566
You can't even win
this 100-yard dash,
188
00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:17,934
but let me ask you
a question.
189
00:08:17,995 --> 00:08:20,044
What do they call that,
a moustache?
190
00:08:20,056 --> 00:08:22,124
Ohh...
191
00:08:24,194 --> 00:08:25,862
Aaaah!
192
00:08:25,896 --> 00:08:27,530
- Aah!
- No, man, see...
193
00:08:27,564 --> 00:08:30,232
Relax, man. Hey, I need you
to relax a little bit.
194
00:08:31,368 --> 00:08:32,769
Take it down
a little bit.
195
00:08:32,803 --> 00:08:34,904
- Ahhhhhh...
- What the [bleep] you doin'?
196
00:08:34,938 --> 00:08:37,907
I'm telling you, take... can you
take it down a little bit, man?
197
00:08:39,410 --> 00:08:40,822
Come on, what are you,
a horse?
198
00:08:41,678 --> 00:08:45,062
- Aaaah!
- That's the last one.
199
00:08:45,224 --> 00:08:47,134
Yo, what's up, dawg?
You know, my [bleep] is rich.
200
00:08:47,192 --> 00:08:48,500
I'm swimmin' in simoleons.
201
00:08:48,585 --> 00:08:50,986
What am I supposed to do with
this miniature black Napoleon?
202
00:08:52,823 --> 00:08:54,189
Yeah, all right.
203
00:08:54,224 --> 00:08:55,725
Yo! Hey, man.
204
00:08:55,759 --> 00:08:57,860
Hey, dawg,
get your... hey, hey!
205
00:08:57,895 --> 00:09:00,129
Now... come on, now.
don't get my eyes wet.
206
00:09:00,163 --> 00:09:01,397
Hey, hey, get your boy...
207
00:09:01,432 --> 00:09:03,399
- Waaaaaah!
- Yo, I'm sorry.
208
00:09:03,434 --> 00:09:04,834
Look at that. Look at this.
Look at this.
209
00:09:04,868 --> 00:09:07,202
Look at it. Look at it.
Oh, oh, yeah.
210
00:09:07,237 --> 00:09:08,971
Go get it, now.
that's a boy. Oh.
211
00:09:09,005 --> 00:09:10,973
Yeah, man! Here we go!
Yeah, man, look at that chain
212
00:09:11,007 --> 00:09:12,875
and these fake-ass
Timberlands.
213
00:09:12,910 --> 00:09:14,744
- Aaaaaahhh...
- Oh, man!
214
00:09:14,778 --> 00:09:16,879
I'm sorry.
No, you're okay, man.
215
00:09:16,914 --> 00:09:18,848
I'm sorry.
I really apologize.
216
00:09:18,882 --> 00:09:20,182
Yo, man.
What's wrong with him, man?
217
00:09:20,216 --> 00:09:22,298
Hey, hey!
Remember... no, no, hey!
218
00:09:22,322 --> 00:09:25,822
Aaaaaahhh...
219
00:09:25,856 --> 00:09:27,757
- Ahh ahh!
- Why are you doing me?
220
00:09:27,791 --> 00:09:29,091
- Aaaaahh!
- Why would you... listen.
221
00:09:29,125 --> 00:09:32,328
- Aaaah!
- No. No, no, no. Come on.
222
00:09:32,362 --> 00:09:35,798
- Aaaahh!
- Shh. Shh. Shh.
223
00:09:35,833 --> 00:09:37,066
All right,
you guys gotta go, man.
224
00:09:37,100 --> 00:09:38,501
- No, come on, man.
- No, man.
225
00:09:38,535 --> 00:09:41,003
No, you're all done, man.
You got to go.
226
00:09:41,037 --> 00:09:42,605
That's right, man.
Yo, we got a champion still.
227
00:09:42,639 --> 00:09:43,773
We got a champion still
right here.
228
00:09:43,807 --> 00:09:45,140
Hey, what's happenin'?
229
00:09:45,175 --> 00:09:47,242
Yeah! That's what's up.
That's your boy...
230
00:09:47,277 --> 00:09:48,845
- Aaaaaahh...
- Just...give me the hat!
231
00:09:48,879 --> 00:09:49,946
- Hey, man...
- Give it up!
232
00:09:51,882 --> 00:09:52,949
Gimme that [bleep] hat!
233
00:09:57,020 --> 00:09:59,154
Listen.
Listen... listen, man.
234
00:09:59,189 --> 00:10:01,390
I want you to look out
on the lake, man.
235
00:10:01,424 --> 00:10:04,059
I just want you to look out
and imagine a place, man,
236
00:10:04,094 --> 00:10:05,227
where you can do
your thing, man.
237
00:10:05,261 --> 00:10:06,096
Hooooo...
238
00:10:06,108 --> 00:10:08,098
Where you and I could go
and do our thing,
239
00:10:08,098 --> 00:10:10,558
- but never have to forfeit, yeah!
- Yahh.
240
00:10:10,605 --> 00:10:12,468
You could scream and shout
and shove people
241
00:10:12,503 --> 00:10:14,604
back and forth, but we don't
never have to quit.
242
00:10:14,638 --> 00:10:16,205
- Aaaah!
- But look out on the lake, man.
243
00:10:16,239 --> 00:10:18,307
Look out on the lake.
244
00:10:18,341 --> 00:10:20,610
No matter what happens, man,
I start rappin'.
245
00:10:20,644 --> 00:10:21,611
Hwah!
246
00:10:21,645 --> 00:10:23,112
And my rhymes,
they start to flow.
247
00:10:23,146 --> 00:10:24,981
And I'm turnin' the tide.
248
00:10:25,015 --> 00:10:27,049
And no matter what you do,
you can push and shove
249
00:10:27,083 --> 00:10:29,251
and scream, but we'll never
get disqualified.
250
00:10:29,285 --> 00:10:30,987
Laa laa laa!
251
00:10:31,021 --> 00:10:32,488
Ah ha ha ha!
252
00:10:32,523 --> 00:10:35,892
Yeah, yeah, ooh! Ha-ha!
253
00:10:35,926 --> 00:10:37,827
Man, for good measure, while
you're looking at the lake,
254
00:10:37,861 --> 00:10:39,896
just give me
one more good "Aaaahh."
255
00:10:39,930 --> 00:10:41,096
Aaaah...
256
00:10:48,461 --> 00:10:49,939
You know what'd be great,
is if there were
257
00:10:49,973 --> 00:10:52,241
other occupations
that had hype men in them.
258
00:10:52,275 --> 00:10:53,409
- Yeah.
- Like, you know what I mean?
259
00:10:53,443 --> 00:10:55,177
Like if a lawyer had
a hype man.
260
00:10:55,211 --> 00:10:56,512
I think that would be great.
- Yeah, that would...
261
00:10:56,547 --> 00:10:57,513
That would really
spice up
262
00:10:57,548 --> 00:10:59,448
the proceedings
in the courtroom.
263
00:10:59,482 --> 00:11:03,352
- Your honor, I object.
- Oh, ho ho!
264
00:11:03,386 --> 00:11:05,755
Oh, he objects!
265
00:11:05,789 --> 00:11:08,658
He objects!
266
00:11:08,692 --> 00:11:11,994
Not only is the prosecution
being argumentative...
267
00:11:12,029 --> 00:11:13,963
Oh ho ho!
268
00:11:13,997 --> 00:11:16,999
This [bleep] is argumentative!
269
00:11:20,537 --> 00:11:22,872
This next sketch
is definitely going to get...
270
00:11:22,906 --> 00:11:25,174
If you are a guy, it's going
to get you in trouble
271
00:11:25,208 --> 00:11:26,943
right now... there's only
one way to say it.
272
00:11:26,977 --> 00:11:30,746
So we recommend that you
either leave the room,
273
00:11:30,781 --> 00:11:31,781
turn off the TV...
274
00:11:31,815 --> 00:11:33,449
- Or play it coo...
play it cool.
275
00:11:33,483 --> 00:11:36,018
- Yeah, play it cool.
- Just play it cool.
276
00:11:36,053 --> 00:11:37,252
No, you're gonna want
to watch it
277
00:11:37,287 --> 00:11:38,387
and maybe... maybe get...
278
00:11:38,421 --> 00:11:40,389
somehow get your lady
out of the room.
279
00:11:40,423 --> 00:11:42,157
No, gentlemen, I would suggest
you take a diamond ring...
280
00:11:42,192 --> 00:11:44,794
- If you have one laying around.
- of a significant...
281
00:11:44,828 --> 00:11:48,530
- of a significant carat.
- Oh, yes.
282
00:11:48,565 --> 00:11:49,865
And just chuck it
out a window.
283
00:11:49,900 --> 00:11:50,900
Just throw it.
284
00:11:50,934 --> 00:11:52,367
As far as you think
you need to.
285
00:11:52,402 --> 00:11:54,804
And she'll go,
"What the... what you doin'?"
286
00:11:57,908 --> 00:12:00,776
Hey, girl, I'm home.
287
00:12:00,811 --> 00:12:02,244
Hey, boo.
how you doing?
288
00:12:02,278 --> 00:12:04,680
- Good.
- How was work?
289
00:12:04,715 --> 00:12:05,948
Sucked.
290
00:12:05,983 --> 00:12:08,517
Aww. Can I ask you
a quick question?
291
00:12:08,551 --> 00:12:09,919
Yeah, sure.
What up?
292
00:12:09,953 --> 00:12:12,354
I've just been noticing
that every time
293
00:12:12,388 --> 00:12:15,091
I leave to go out, the next time
I open the computer,
294
00:12:15,125 --> 00:12:17,927
the browser history's
been cleared.
295
00:12:17,961 --> 00:12:20,730
Hmm. That's weird.
296
00:12:20,764 --> 00:12:21,998
Yesterday,
i went food shopping
297
00:12:22,032 --> 00:12:23,565
for, like, 15 minutes.
298
00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:25,334
I used the computer before
I went to the store,
299
00:12:25,368 --> 00:12:27,837
and when I came back,
my history was gone,
300
00:12:27,871 --> 00:12:30,572
the cache was cleared,
and the cookies had been reset.
301
00:12:30,607 --> 00:12:33,342
Hmm.
302
00:12:35,746 --> 00:12:38,580
Well, I think sometimes
the computer runs
303
00:12:38,615 --> 00:12:40,349
an automatic software update,
304
00:12:40,383 --> 00:12:43,218
so maybe that just kind of
clears the history.
305
00:12:43,253 --> 00:12:45,587
Yeah, except when you update
the software,
306
00:12:45,622 --> 00:12:47,757
a little window pops up,
and you click "OK,"
307
00:12:47,791 --> 00:12:50,092
and then it gets installed,
so...
308
00:12:50,127 --> 00:12:52,294
- Mm-mm.
- Hmm.
309
00:12:54,731 --> 00:12:56,465
I don't know, maybe there's
something wrong
310
00:12:56,499 --> 00:12:58,100
with the computer,
you know?
311
00:12:58,135 --> 00:12:59,702
And it's just
one of those things,
312
00:12:59,736 --> 00:13:01,470
whenever it gets interrupted
from the power source,
313
00:13:01,504 --> 00:13:04,809
it has to reboot, and it just
totally wipes out the history.
314
00:13:07,074 --> 00:13:09,779
Be honest, babe.
it's porn, right?
315
00:13:09,813 --> 00:13:12,481
Porn?
316
00:13:12,515 --> 00:13:14,717
What's...
oh, pornography?
317
00:13:14,751 --> 00:13:15,985
No.
318
00:13:16,019 --> 00:13:17,619
It's okay
if you look at porn.
319
00:13:17,654 --> 00:13:20,056
I assumed you did anyways.
I mean, every guy does.
320
00:13:20,090 --> 00:13:21,290
I'm perfectly okay
with that,
321
00:13:21,324 --> 00:13:23,464
and long as it's not
that weird stuff.
322
00:13:24,761 --> 00:13:27,529
Oh... All right.
323
00:13:27,564 --> 00:13:29,264
Well, I mean,
kinky's okay.
324
00:13:29,299 --> 00:13:30,800
I like kinky.
325
00:13:30,834 --> 00:13:33,969
As long as it's not
that sick, twisted S&M stuff.
326
00:13:37,440 --> 00:13:40,176
Wow. Um...
327
00:13:40,210 --> 00:13:42,344
Okay, I'm not gonna judge
your journey.
328
00:13:42,378 --> 00:13:43,779
It is your fantasy.
329
00:13:43,788 --> 00:13:46,419
Just as long as you aren't
looking at women who...
330
00:13:47,851 --> 00:13:49,484
Not women?
331
00:13:49,851 --> 00:13:51,921
Wow! Okay.
332
00:13:52,236 --> 00:13:55,138
Men? Chicks with dicks?
333
00:13:55,187 --> 00:13:58,415
Horses?
Worse than horses?
334
00:13:59,260 --> 00:14:00,694
Wow.
335
00:14:00,831 --> 00:14:03,565
Baby, gimme
a little credit.
336
00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:05,034
None of that matters.
337
00:14:05,068 --> 00:14:06,869
The only thing that matters
that when we're doing it,
338
00:14:06,929 --> 00:14:08,680
I'm thinking about you...
339
00:14:09,005 --> 00:14:11,473
And you're thinking
about me. Right?
340
00:14:13,977 --> 00:14:14,944
Right, baby?
341
00:14:21,908 --> 00:14:24,868
You guys, uh,
you guys know the film...
342
00:14:25,305 --> 00:14:27,005
the film musical
Les Mis, right?
343
00:14:27,039 --> 00:14:29,641
- People have seen that?
- It came out quite recently.
344
00:14:29,676 --> 00:14:32,010
We just know that
so many girlfriends
345
00:14:32,044 --> 00:14:34,045
got their guy to see it
by just being, like,
346
00:14:34,079 --> 00:14:36,340
Hey, your boy Wolverine
is in there.
347
00:14:39,319 --> 00:14:41,453
Wha... no. No, he ain't.
He ain't in there.
348
00:14:41,487 --> 00:14:43,221
- Yes, he is.
- Wolverine ain't in no Les Mis.
349
00:14:43,255 --> 00:14:45,089
Your boy Wolverine.
Ta-ching. Ta-ching.
350
00:14:45,124 --> 00:14:48,460
That's your boy.
He in there.
351
00:14:48,494 --> 00:14:49,961
- He ain't in there.
- He is in there.
352
00:14:49,995 --> 00:14:51,530
- He ain't in there, though.
- Yes, he is.
353
00:14:51,884 --> 00:14:54,239
- Who else in it?
- Gladiator.
354
00:14:54,273 --> 00:14:55,874
- Hell no.
- Yes.
355
00:14:55,882 --> 00:14:57,315
That's your boy.
356
00:14:57,322 --> 00:14:59,357
Maximus is in the movie.
357
00:14:59,392 --> 00:15:00,459
You ain't tryin'
to trick me?
358
00:15:00,469 --> 00:15:02,307
I ain't tryin'
to trick you.
359
00:15:02,342 --> 00:15:04,376
- Well, let's go, then.
- Let's go.
360
00:15:04,410 --> 00:15:09,047
Ah, man, she's just... he's
like, "Oh, man, come on. What?
361
00:15:09,081 --> 00:15:10,816
- That ain't Wolverine.
- That's Wolverine.
362
00:15:10,850 --> 00:15:12,552
- That ain't Wolverine, though.
- That's Wolverine, though.
363
00:15:12,574 --> 00:15:14,052
- That ain't Wolverine, though.
- Yes, it is.
364
00:15:14,086 --> 00:15:15,887
- No, that ain't Wolverine.
- No, that's your man.
365
00:15:15,921 --> 00:15:17,456
That's your man.
That's your dawg.
366
00:15:17,490 --> 00:15:19,324
And, look, there Catwoman
up on this bitch.
367
00:15:19,359 --> 00:15:20,859
- Catwoman?
- That's for you.
368
00:15:20,893 --> 00:15:22,761
I did this for you.
369
00:15:22,795 --> 00:15:25,964
I come to the movies
for you.
370
00:15:38,478 --> 00:15:41,413
♪ One at a time ♪
371
00:15:41,548 --> 00:15:44,139
♪ I put men like you ♪
372
00:15:44,303 --> 00:15:47,901
♪ Behind bars every day ♪
373
00:15:49,034 --> 00:15:51,588
♪ One at a time ♪
374
00:15:51,594 --> 00:15:56,160
♪ Legateaux,
you may take my years ♪
375
00:15:56,542 --> 00:16:00,533
♪ But cannot lock
my soul away ♪
376
00:16:02,368 --> 00:16:04,135
♪ All the years
I had to run ♪
377
00:16:04,169 --> 00:16:05,203
♪ I chased you
through the years ♪
378
00:16:05,237 --> 00:16:07,005
♪ So long ago it all begun ♪
379
00:16:07,039 --> 00:16:08,707
♪ Now your journey's
at an end ♪
380
00:16:08,741 --> 00:16:10,275
♪ In the shadows
on my shame ♪
381
00:16:10,309 --> 00:16:11,309
♪ You will pay
for what you've done ♪
382
00:16:11,343 --> 00:16:12,844
♪ But was I ever to blame? ♪
383
00:16:12,879 --> 00:16:14,279
♪ Death will be
your only friend ♪
384
00:16:14,313 --> 00:16:15,814
♪ Do I let
this fight end now? ♪
385
00:16:15,848 --> 00:16:17,115
♪ Do not interrupt me ♪
386
00:16:17,149 --> 00:16:18,817
♪ Just to end
this life of pain ♪
387
00:16:18,851 --> 00:16:20,118
♪ Let me finish
what I need to say ♪
388
00:16:20,152 --> 00:16:21,486
♪ Will the end
be welcome now? ♪
389
00:16:21,521 --> 00:16:22,587
♪ Fine, I'll let you
finish first ♪
390
00:16:22,622 --> 00:16:24,389
♪ Will my journey
be in vain? ♪
391
00:16:24,424 --> 00:16:25,624
♪ Don't let me
get in your way ♪
392
00:16:25,658 --> 00:16:27,559
♪ I only stole
a loaf of bread ♪
393
00:16:27,593 --> 00:16:29,294
- ♪ Are you finished now? ♪
- ♪ All I needed ♪
394
00:16:29,328 --> 00:16:31,496
- ♪ to survive ♪
- ♪ Okay, now it's my turn ♪
395
00:16:31,531 --> 00:16:32,631
♪ If I end up
in your cell ♪
396
00:16:32,665 --> 00:16:33,965
♪ Can we have
some give and take? ♪
397
00:16:33,999 --> 00:16:35,500
♪ Why should I have
stayed alive? ♪
398
00:16:35,535 --> 00:16:36,868
♪ Let me get a word,
at least ♪
399
00:16:36,903 --> 00:16:39,704
♪ Do I tell him
that I love him? ♪
400
00:16:39,739 --> 00:16:42,404
♪ Do I tell him
of his child? ♪
401
00:16:42,416 --> 00:16:44,383
♪ Now, where did this bitch
come from? ♪
402
00:16:44,418 --> 00:16:48,154
- ♪ I have no idea ♪
- ♪ one at a time ♪
403
00:16:48,188 --> 00:16:50,323
♪ Will he ever know
his daughter? ♪
404
00:16:50,335 --> 00:16:51,636
♪ Lady, seriously,
please hang on ♪
405
00:16:51,670 --> 00:16:53,137
♪ Will he recognize
her eyes? ♪
406
00:16:53,149 --> 00:16:54,516
♪ It's hard enough
to talk to him ♪
407
00:16:54,520 --> 00:16:56,421
♪ Did you say my daughter? ♪
408
00:16:56,421 --> 00:16:58,880
- ♪ Yours and mine ♪
- ♪ One at a time ♪
409
00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:00,581
♪ The trumpets
call out freedom ♪
410
00:17:00,593 --> 00:17:01,860
♪ This all has to happen
on the same block? ♪
411
00:17:01,894 --> 00:17:03,261
♪ Let the marching
shake the ground ♪
412
00:17:03,295 --> 00:17:04,896
♪ Now this is just a joke ♪
413
00:17:04,931 --> 00:17:08,266
♪ We could solve all these
issues if everyone just spoke ♪
414
00:17:08,300 --> 00:17:09,868
♪ One at a time ♪
415
00:17:09,902 --> 00:17:11,736
♪ Taking what we can, 'cause
things are getting worse ♪
416
00:17:11,771 --> 00:17:14,405
♪ Taking what we can
from every pocket and purse ♪
417
00:17:14,440 --> 00:17:15,440
♪ One at a time ♪
418
00:17:15,475 --> 00:17:17,776
♪ The men have come ♪
419
00:17:17,810 --> 00:17:19,578
♪ Their blood
will spill ♪
420
00:17:19,612 --> 00:17:21,212
♪ One at time ♪
421
00:17:21,246 --> 00:17:23,014
♪ The years
destroyed the man ♪
422
00:17:23,048 --> 00:17:25,684
♪ She knew
before we parted ♪
423
00:17:25,718 --> 00:17:28,019
♪ And when love and war
and blood and glory's ♪
424
00:17:28,053 --> 00:17:29,955
♪ Barracks
have been climbed ♪
425
00:17:29,989 --> 00:17:32,724
- ♪ We will die ♪
- ♪ I will love ♪
426
00:17:32,758 --> 00:17:34,058
♪ Years, they pass ♪
427
00:17:34,093 --> 00:17:35,757
Can't we speak?
428
00:17:36,762 --> 00:17:38,062
♪ One ♪
429
00:17:38,097 --> 00:17:40,699
♪ Here we go again,
popping in and out ♪
430
00:17:40,733 --> 00:17:43,468
♪ Don't have much to do
with what this is about ♪
431
00:17:43,503 --> 00:17:45,003
♪ A time ♪
432
00:17:45,037 --> 00:17:48,937
♪ Why are we all
facing the same way? ♪
433
00:17:50,988 --> 00:17:54,577
Is the city on fire?
What's with all the smoke?
434
00:17:56,716 --> 00:17:58,783
Oh, now we're all ears.
435
00:17:58,818 --> 00:18:00,652
Great.
436
00:18:04,757 --> 00:18:07,058
Hello, my fellow Americans.
437
00:18:07,092 --> 00:18:10,261
With me, as always,
is my anger translator, Luther.
438
00:18:10,295 --> 00:18:11,396
Hi!
439
00:18:11,430 --> 00:18:13,331
Now, the first year
of my second term
440
00:18:13,365 --> 00:18:14,399
has been a challenge.
441
00:18:14,433 --> 00:18:16,801
Cluster....[bleep]!
442
00:18:16,946 --> 00:18:19,280
Tonight, I'd like
to address the concerns
443
00:18:19,403 --> 00:18:21,805
of the American people
over what they perceive
444
00:18:21,862 --> 00:18:24,383
as the U.S. government spying
on their digital
445
00:18:24,396 --> 00:18:25,706
and electronic activities.
446
00:18:25,769 --> 00:18:29,205
Man, y'all some deluded,
self-important mother[bleep]
447
00:18:29,257 --> 00:18:30,901
if you think we interested
in your deviant,
448
00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:32,560
porn-watchin' asses!
449
00:18:32,616 --> 00:18:35,251
I can assure you,
the American people,
450
00:18:35,264 --> 00:18:37,666
we are not reading
every individual email.
451
00:18:37,678 --> 00:18:39,712
Rather, we're searching
for key words
452
00:18:39,747 --> 00:18:41,447
that would indicate a threat.
453
00:18:41,459 --> 00:18:42,603
And don't worry,
everybody,
454
00:18:42,681 --> 00:18:45,029
those key words are not
"girl on girl,"
455
00:18:45,306 --> 00:18:48,230
"anal", "squirting",
"plopping".
456
00:18:48,333 --> 00:18:50,368
- Hmm. "Plopping"?
457
00:18:50,402 --> 00:18:51,937
What the [bleep]
is "plopping,"
458
00:18:51,971 --> 00:18:53,438
you dirty mother[bleep]?
459
00:18:53,472 --> 00:18:55,440
These key words
are being used,
460
00:18:55,474 --> 00:18:56,441
amongst other things,
461
00:18:56,475 --> 00:18:57,642
to prevent terrorists
462
00:18:57,677 --> 00:18:59,878
from using weapons
of mass destruction.
463
00:18:59,912 --> 00:19:02,190
Not prevent you
from watching videos
464
00:19:02,267 --> 00:19:03,884
of ass destruction!
465
00:19:03,916 --> 00:19:06,384
Now, these policies
have already foiled
466
00:19:06,418 --> 00:19:08,453
numerous terrorist plots.
467
00:19:08,487 --> 00:19:10,455
These are not the kind of
plots that y'all are used to,
468
00:19:10,489 --> 00:19:11,756
like when a guy
comes in the door
469
00:19:11,791 --> 00:19:13,257
with his penis
in a pizza box,
470
00:19:13,292 --> 00:19:14,693
and a lady sucks on it.
471
00:19:14,727 --> 00:19:16,394
And I assure you
472
00:19:16,428 --> 00:19:17,796
that the country's
gotten safer
473
00:19:17,830 --> 00:19:19,664
since the end
of the Bush era.
474
00:19:19,721 --> 00:19:21,723
And I ain't talkin'
about the president. Boop.
475
00:19:21,822 --> 00:19:25,457
These policies have allowed us
to probe and penetrate...
476
00:19:25,491 --> 00:19:27,459
- I know y'all been probin...
- until the de... No, Luther...
477
00:19:27,754 --> 00:19:29,584
Just, what I'm
trying to say is
478
00:19:29,585 --> 00:19:32,354
that there have been numerous
terrorist cells fingered...
479
00:19:32,354 --> 00:19:33,788
- And you got fingers, you put...
- and that... Luther.
480
00:19:33,867 --> 00:19:35,367
Okay. Luther,
why are you trying
481
00:19:35,379 --> 00:19:37,714
to undermine the president
with your juvenile
482
00:19:37,749 --> 00:19:39,282
sexual innuendo?
483
00:19:39,425 --> 00:19:41,486
The average American
has nothing to fear
484
00:19:41,520 --> 00:19:42,687
from these policies.
485
00:19:42,722 --> 00:19:45,090
Now! If we was
drone-strikin' perverts,
486
00:19:45,124 --> 00:19:46,357
our country would look like
487
00:19:46,391 --> 00:19:48,593
Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome
right about now.
488
00:19:48,628 --> 00:19:51,896
I'm talkin' about
a post-apocalyptic nightmare!
489
00:19:51,931 --> 00:19:53,364
Thank you,
and good night.
490
00:19:53,398 --> 00:19:54,733
Go to sleep, y'all.
491
00:19:55,935 --> 00:19:57,368
- "Plopping"?
- Oh, yes, sir.
492
00:19:57,402 --> 00:19:58,870
That's when...
493
00:19:58,904 --> 00:20:01,006
Oh!
494
00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:03,297
Y'all are some sick
mother[bleep].
495
00:20:11,755 --> 00:20:13,656
Welcome to Metta World News.
496
00:20:13,872 --> 00:20:17,828
Our top story: why are people
always trying to steal my magic?
497
00:20:18,910 --> 00:20:21,478
In other news,
cat litter can be used
498
00:20:21,493 --> 00:20:23,394
to blind people
when fighting.
499
00:20:23,468 --> 00:20:25,681
Interesting.
I didn't know that.
500
00:20:26,123 --> 00:20:28,425
Well, that wraps up
Metta World News
501
00:20:28,439 --> 00:20:31,273
for this Wednesday,
February biscuit fountain drink.
502
00:20:31,329 --> 00:20:33,687
I'm Metta World Peace.
Good night.
503
00:20:36,012 --> 00:20:37,247
Thank you.
504
00:20:37,281 --> 00:20:39,148
All right.
all right.
505
00:20:39,182 --> 00:20:42,352
So now, everybody,
it's time to...
506
00:20:42,386 --> 00:20:44,053
go straight to your computer
507
00:20:44,087 --> 00:20:46,021
and google "plopping."
508
00:20:46,056 --> 00:20:47,523
We're very sorry.
509
00:20:47,558 --> 00:20:48,625
- We're sorry.
- Uh, good night.
510
00:20:48,659 --> 00:20:50,059
- Thank you very much.
- Good night.
511
00:20:50,093 --> 00:20:51,694
Thank you.
512
00:20:53,597 --> 00:20:56,566
♪ I'm gonna do
my one line here ♪
513
00:20:56,600 --> 00:20:58,534
Oh, yeah.
514
00:20:59,918 --> 00:21:03,581
Sync & corrections by dwigt
www.addic7ed.com
37616
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