Original subtitles

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Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

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Some people wouldn't know their ass from an air conditioner.

Take Mr. Smolensky.

Despite overwhelming stupidity, his death certificate will say accident.

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Billy Conway, on the other hand, was smart.

Still, with all his intelligence, Billy thought Mr. Smolensky was dancing.

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Billy's common sense prevailed.

But common sense is never enough to keep you safe, my friends.

Because the world is, quite simply, dangerous.

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Gloria Conway would have never forgiven herself

if something had happened to one of her children.

Mrs. Smolenski held no such concern for her husband.

He had been a philanderer and a drunk and

she considered his death a welcome divorce.

♪

Sometimes bad things can happen for a good reason.

And sometimes things just happen.

The Conways were your average, unremarkable family.

They rallied around Billy after the neighbor's

incineration, and in the evening, they enjoyed a movie together.

Billy felt safe between his twin brothers, Gene and

Larry, and they weren't bothered at all because they

had once witnessed a motorcycle stunt go horribly wrong.

Linda felt snug next to her dad.

And while Ray Conway was a good father, it was Gloria

who took most responsibility for the family's well-being.

The three stooges was her idea.

If she were more flexible, she'd be kicking herself right now.

Gene had an uncanny talent for mischief and his

concern for Billy inspired his most daring prank yet.

And when Douglas Post arrived, the stage was set.

It's just a movie, yeah?

It's just all make-believe, okay?

Could you find Gene?

He's disappeared.

And little Lord Bad Influence just flew by on his bike.

Doug was off-limits after he and Gene drove

the principal's car into the school swimming pool.

But still, nobody expected this.

Wow.

Hey,

Doug. It's just been time to see all hell break loose.

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna pee.

Oh, my God.

I swear to God, if shit were brains, that kid would eat his head for dinner.

Yeah.

Gloria didn't just turn a phrase.

She flipped it on its back and kicked the shit out of it.

Eugene Conway!

Get down from there now!

Before I turn your little ass into a shoe!

Gene and Doug got into serious trouble.

Three police cars came, but it was worth it because Billy

had forgotten all about the dead neighbor humping the sprinkler.

So what did the cops have to say, Mr. Movie Magic?

They said that Mo was a friend of theirs, and

if I peed out of his head again, they'd shoot me.

What are we gonna do with him?

Give him to the Jehovah Witnesses next time they come around for a donation.

And, uh, there's a lot of asphalt out there.

Slow down.

-It's raining. -I am slowed down.

Slow down more.

And don't think for one second, little Mr. Big Deal,

that you're playing in the championships this weekend.

But, Ma...

Don't Ma me.

I don't remember giving birth to a horse's ass.

But we'll lose.

Not if you play as good as Gene.

Shut up, Billy.

-Go! -You almost ruined everything.

Stop it!

Thank you, Mo. You're not hurting anyone.

Billy, careful.

What are you doing?

Accidents happen when you least expect.

Care, vigilance, and luck cannot prevent them.

All those seatbelts in this instance would have certainly helped.

Accidents are a fact of life.

And very bad accidents have a charming way of not seeming real.

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For every tragic accident, there is a good luck story.

But that balance can take years to occur.

And that's the way it was with the Conways.

Linda had died, and Gene was in a nursing home.

Billy came here to remember happier times.

But they were getting harder to recall.

In your room with us.

Dinner's ready.

Why so early?

Did you forget you have baseball practice?

I was trying to.

What are we having?

-Uh, dinner. -I told you.

I mean, what exactly?

I don't think it's anything exactly.

Tell Larry it's ready.

Can't we leave a plate by his door?

You want a riot?

Larry, it's feeding time.

But Larry grew up lost.

He didn't really have much choice.

Being Gene's twin was all he had going for him.

You're outdone yourself.

Do me a favor, will ya?

Hit your goddamn father over the head with a baseball bat.

Each member of the family developed their own way to cope.

Billy learned not to feel, which clearly had its benefits.

Ray didn't cope.

He walked out.

Most of Billy's contact with him now involved head wounds.

And Gloria struggled to put the past behind her.

It was not uncommon to find Linda's furniture in the yard.

Mrs. Smolenski should have been an example to them.

She had gotten over her husband long ago.

Mr. Bill.

Oh, my goodness.

Are you all right?

It's nothing, Mrs. Smolenski.

Just my natural charm revealing itself.

Billy was showing off his baseball skills.

It was quite a display.

Ma?

Hi.

I'm Dottie.

Douglas Post's mother.

I found your mother in the front yard.

She's been having some feelings...

Philly!

Hey.

I'm fine. I just, I strained myself trying to move.

Hello.

Oh, my God.

Look.

It's the spokesman for the Useless Bastards Club.

What brings you here?

Uh...

-Come here. -Let me see.

God.

Jesus.

He was supposed to crack you with the bat.

I'm just trying to show Dad how much I love baseball.

So, let me be clear.

If this happens in a practice session, what the

hell are you going to do to him in a real game?

It was an accident.

You all right?

You mean, speaking of accidents?

Gloria, don't start.

My husband wants a divorce.

Yeah, he wants to move on.

And start a new wife.

Billy.

Oh, I guess you didn't find a really good time to tell him.

I mean, what with the concussion of him.

Billy, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so stupid.

I think it would be best for everybody.

Don't mind my husband here.

He has his head rammed so far up his ass

that every time he blinks, it tickles his fancy.

Where's Larry?

We could use a hand.

Not here.

Is he visiting Jean?

You know, if you did that once in a while, you might feel better.

Yeah, and if my grandmother had balls, she'd be my grandfather.

Leave that.

-Don't you touch it. -Put it down.

Billy can take care of it.

We don't need you.

Oh, do me one favor, though.

On your way out, could you please, please take

the time to trip over your dead daughter's bicycle?

Go.

You okay?

Should I call the ambulance?

No.

Call the National Guard.

This, I think, qualifies as a disaster.

I'm gonna take your mother to the hospital.

She's having female problems.

What do you mean?

You can stay at my house.

I don't think that's a good idea.

I'm not staying with Dad.

Is that son of yours, is he still causing problems?

Do you want my help or not?

Gloria didn't like taking help.

It made her feel vulnerable, and that frightened her.

And Dottie's help had brought Billy into

contact with Gene's old friend, Douglas Post.

The Columbia Ender will be fully operational...

It's not every day you get to see history happen.

-Dottie! -I'm empty!

History's not happening.

It happened the other day.

Don't wise it off, Doug.

They got back alive.

That's what I'm trying to tell you.

Hey, you, play nice in front of our guests.

Yeah, the other day.

When they made history.

If Columbus didn't make it back after he discovered

America, we wouldn't be sitting here watching this on TV.

Isn't that right, Billy?

Your TV's really nice.

We would, too, be sitting here because

someone else would have discovered America.

You're not listening to me, Doug.

Look, it's the invention of the wheel, Christ and all that

business, the discovery of America by Columbus, the

discovery of gravity, World War I, World War II, and the moon landing.

That's the history of the world so far.

Oh, this isn't still on, is it?

What a yarn festival.

Can we watch Dallas?

We're watching this.

In the early days of our republic...

...Americans watched Yankee Clippers glide across the...

You know Billy Conway?

I'm over at Providence Court.

What happened?

Got hit by a baseball.

Breaking records, time and distance.

Gene wasn't expected to survive the crash, though it was debatable that he had.

He could breathe and swallow.

He didn't even have a sexy nurse.

And if that wasn't bad enough, Larry would sneak in drunk.

Alcohol helped fuel Larry's hope that a miracle might occur.

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Being with Doug helped Billy remember life before the accident.

Gene and Doug had been great together, whether they were

playing baseball or turning the three stooges into five.

And with the memories came hope that life could be fun again.

Done.

They're snoring

I'm sorry.

You miss Gene?

You should try and get some sleep.

Were you there the time you built the toilet paper wall across Miami Court?

Yeah.

My ass got kicked around the living room because of it.

Now I call it the barely living room.

Man, it was intense.

You're not serious.

My father.

He tore through it in his car because he thought it was toilet paper.

But it wasn't.

Gene strung a wire across two and ripped the windshield wipers off.

Have you been to Same lately?

There's only family allowed.

Really?

That sucks.

Well, you're not gonna take that lying down, are you?

-Bye. -Sorry.

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I mean,

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-Thank you. -I'll vote for it.

Oh!

God, no.

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Fuck's sake!

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Alright, I'm out.

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Run, shit, run, run, run, run!

Hey, Bo.

There you are.

Wasn't that fun the other night?

Hysterical.

Hey, hang on.

Dog's really cool.

We've been out every night.

You know the night?

Gene?

God, Gene.

Hey, Gene, it's me, Billy.

I'm here.

Nurse!

Don't listen to anything he says, Gene.

It says here that he's a little pussy.

Like you don't have to live with a man.

Good one, dickhead.

Is everything okay?

Yeah.

-Yeah, we're fine. -Sorry.

Sorry.

Mom's in the hospital, Gene.

They took a lot of her female stuff out, like her Filipino tubes.

Everything except her mildred.

That's what Doug calls a pussy.

Gross, huh?

She's okay, though.

She might not come see you for a while.

She'll be a bit shaky.

Might not?

She's not coming.

She's happy, finally, because she's got an excuse.

You can bet she'll be milking it.

...Family Fun Center, sets up in minutes.

Besita, from General Aluminum Products.

Tammy, what do you bid on that?

25, 8, 2, 5...

That's the doctor. Tell him I want my uterus back.

Hello?

Who's this?

They hung up.

Just as well.

I've got static to watch.

The Polks have really nice TV.

Yeah.

They also have a-for-brains son who wouldn't know his ass from an exit sign.

Well, we got Larry.

Phone call was some guy asked me if I wanted to sneak out with him later.

But your boyfriend wasn't Billy.

More like your imaginary friend.

But which one?

Oh, that's right.

Larry's only got the one.

How would you two like to go live with your-for-nothing father?

Larry would.

Oh, hi, Billy.

Everything all right?

Yeah, my mom's doing a lot better.

I just wanted to thank you for helping out.

It was really nice of you.

My mom really appreciated it.

It's what neighbors do.

And thanks for letting me stay.

You sure everything's okay?

I think I left my baseball cap over here.

Is Doug home?

I don't think you were wearing it.

I must have been.

Could I look for it?

Was that you who called?

Shit, that was so funny.

Was that Larry?

What'd he say?

He asked if you were my boyfriend.

Bastard.

He was always, like, the downer twin.

I try to be his friend, but...

not necessary.

Maybe it's over here.

Look, it's kind of tricky if you call my house.

My mom thinks you're, like, a crime lord.

Still.

Hey, have the cops been here?

No.

Why?

Have they been to your house?

-Shit. -That's the last thing I need.

Your head looks better.

So, uh, you want to do something later?

-I can't. -My mom's home.

She's, like, a shut-in.

I talked to my mother into taking her to bingo.

What? Tonight? They're like paper and scissors.

More like rock and scissors.

Then she come over.

Okay.

See you later.

Come on.

Oh, hi, Mr. Post.

You haven't seen my cap, have you?

No.

Seen the goddamn remote?

You!

Who is that kid, anyway?

-It's Billy. -Get out of my room.

Billy who?

Woof, woof, woof.

Uh, my mom won't be long.

Are you going to bingo too?

I thought it was just old ladies that went.

I heard that.

It's better than staying home with my father.

Ma, you know Katrina.

Hi Katrina.

Mrs. Post is waiting in the car.

Alright.

Larry!

Dinner is ready.

Don't mind my father.

You don't call him tiny because he has a lot of patience.

He's just dropping us off.

You call him tiny?

Not to his face.

Well, I hope you both win.

I don't know about you Katrina, but I have about as

much chance of winning as shitting a gold Cadillac.

Turkey, chicken, don't fight over them.

Bye.

I'm having the turkey.

I'm having the turkey.

You always have the turkey.

Oh, you always have the turkey.

I'm having the turkey.

Why do you always have to be a jerk?

You should go look at Dad.

Make everyone happy.

Everyone except me and Dad.

You'll just get drunk later and end up throwing it up.

Fuck off, Billy.

Just make sure you throw it up somewhere other than here.

You only have yourself to blame for that.

Hey, what's going on?

What the fuck are you doing here?

He's doing fucking TV dinner at me.

What would you do that for?

Because he's a military...

That was you who called me earlier.

Yeah, so what of it?

You hurt Billy again, and I'll kick your ass.

Again.

Let me see

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Ow!

I'm gonna get ya!

Hurry up.

What is it?

Looks like some form of trouble.

Fuck, it's open.

What I got

Fuck. Fuck.

♪

It'll be alright.

There's nothing we can do about her now.

Someone would have called an ambulance.

It was an accident, Doug.

They were speeding.

It wasn't anybody's fault.

Hello?

Hi, it's Mom.

Oh, hi Mom.

Is your father home?

Uh, no.

He hasn't picked you up?

Uh, I'm sure he'll be there soon.

He's not here.

Well, when did he leave?

Uh, when did he leave?

Uh...

Uh, I don't know.

I fell asleep.

-Okay? -Bye.

Is that sirens?

What?

-Sirens? -Uh, I don't know.

There must be an accident somewhere or a fire.

I'm sure he'll be there soon.

Okay, bye.

Okay, bye.

Oh, shit.

-Oh, shit. -What if that was my father?

Billy, did you see the car?

Did it look like my father's car?

Doug, you gotta stay calm, okay?

It could have been anybody's car.

He's probably just running late.

Hey, it'll be cool, all right?

-We just... -We have to go over there.

-No, we don't. -Billy, I gotta know.

We have to go over there.

Shit.

The bowling ball.

The bowling ball.

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-hey, hey. -No! -It's his father.

His name's Tiny Pose.

Dick.

We're gonna be here for a while.

I'm Officer Bannon.

What's your name?

William Conway.

Friend's name?

Douglas Pope.

The boy here is a man's son.

His name's Douglas Paulston.

Hi.

I'm Officer Passman, Mr. Douglas.

I'm very sorry, son, but there was nothing we could do for your dad.

It was an accident.

It was a bad accident.

I'd better take him home.

No, officer, I...

Bad accident, Doug.

No, it wasn't meant to happen.

Like this.

You need a glass of water, dear.

Come with me.

That's a good idea.

Thank you, Mrs. Moritz.

I think what he was trying to say was...

his father drinks a bit.

Terrible business, this Buster Bill.

Are you okay?

I only ever see you when something dreadful happens.

Bleh!

Don't worry about a thing, Lester.

I'm looking after you.

♪

This is Post. I'm out for a passport.

Please, to the side of the road.

I've got a car to come and take you home.

Billy, let's go.

Let's get out of here.

Now.

-Really? -Come on!

♪

It's practically the whole front page.

I don't want to see that. What's wrong with you, Larry?

Look, he used to be in the Navy.

What's that story?

Streakers and shoplifting spree.

Last night, two naked teenage youths throwing ski masks

surprised-year-old cashier Emily Barstow at Drummond's

Grocery Store when they raced in and stole a bag of candy.

Mrs. Barstow said the smaller of the two

individuals had a gauze dressing in the middle of his back.

But she didn't see much else to distinguish the offenders.

The larger youth then reportedly stole a bottle of whiskey

from the liquor bar next door before the pair fled on foot.

Well, that's official.

I've now heard of everything.

Where were you last night, Billy?

I was here.

You were the one who went out.

I thought you might have gone shopping with a friend.

Poor lady at the store.

She probably got a thrill.

I don't know.

Paper said she didn't see much of anything to distinguish them.

Hi.

My mom made it.

Oh, shit.

What did the cops say?

They thought it was weird.

There weren't any skid marks.

What about the bowling ball?

Did they mention anything about it?

What was it under the car?

I don't know.

My mom made me go.

Did you see the article in the paper about us streaking?

I'll be right.

Come on deep breath

It's me mrs.

Post Billy Conway my mom baked you a cake

I knocked it with the door.

It was an accident.

Hi, Billy.

-Hi. -I'm sorry about your father.

About Mr. Post.

Thank your mother for the cake.

It was a nice thought.

Trust me, it's probably better off this way.

Dropped it.

-No. -Is that tiny?

What'd he do to himself?

Eat an ice-cream truck?

Come on, where's your sense of humor?

With a face like yours, you'd think it'd be standard equipment.

Your home is lovely.

Oh, thank you.

I'd offer you a piece of your delicious cake.

But it's all gone.

Oh, Bob.

Oh, excuse me for a moment.

Dottie.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Oh, yes.

Thank you, Becky.

Thank you.

Gloria, this is Bob.

Nice to meet you, Gloria.

Thank you.

-Hi. -My son, Billy.

It's terrible.

The world is so unpredictable.

I lost my wife a few years back in an accident.

I lost my daughter eight years ago.

Accident?

I'm so sorry.

Thanks.

Oh, oh, Dougie, Doug, come, come meet Bob.

He was a workmate of your father's.

Your dad was a hell of a guy.

A big character.

It's a, it's a real shame.

He was very nice to my daughter and me

when my Peggy passed away a few years back.

Terrible.

Oh, I'm so very, very sorry for your loss.

Don't cry.

Becky, Becky.

Darling, it's, uh, I think that's enough, it's, uh, okay.

So, who died?

Oh, Louise.

Oh, my goodness.

Louise, we're having the wake.

Of course you are.

Oh, come on, sis, you could use a cheer-up, so cheer up.

Everything is gonna be all right.

I like what you've done.

I haven't done anything.

Oh, well, it looks roomier.

Dougie, poor Dougie.

Come, give your Aunty Louise a little kiss.

Isn't that peach fuzz?

Oh, this calls for a drink.

You know what they say.

When God closes a door, he opens a beer.

Trina.

Trina!

I'm so, so sorry.

That sofa, it was like sitting next to the Grand Canyon.

I was expecting an echo.

What did you think of that guy and his daughter?

Why do you ask?

Do you ask?

Do you ask?

The guy's all right, don't you think?

No, I don't think.

Anyway, there's a major Froot Loop alert on the daughter.

I hope this isn't leading to an episode of the dating game,

because my boot might have to go on a date with your teeth.

So what do you think?

Was it an accident or did he do it on purpose?

On purpose.

-On purpose. -It's not funny. -Not funny.

Not funny.

Not funny.

Hey, what's the matter?

I always think the next funeral will be Jean's.

I can't go home.

How is he?

He's the same, Ma.

It'll be alright.

When?

When they're making snowballs in hell, that's when.

I walk in that house, and Gene is just everywhere.

I wash my face, but I don't look in the mirror.

I look in the sink where the chips were taken out

with a ball-peen hammer when he was trying to kill ants.

Every morning, there's the carpet with the

melted patch where the chemistry experiment went wrong.

Or right, if you're Gene.

And, you know, it's another day.

I can't.

It's another day, and I can't go.

♪

You look like hell.

You always knew how to sweet-talk me.

I'm not signing the divorce papers, so

let's not pretend this is about sweet-talking.

I'm not gonna come back.

to try

What did you hear them talking about?

Probably what a little pussy you are.

What a bunch of dipshit.

Did you hear anything?

Those balls being crunched.

Balls?

Shh, I can hear dad, dad just said,

Billy's a faggot.

Whenever the shit hits the fan, you're the one to check out.

Don't.

Nobody's meant to get out of this easily.

The boys hate you.

You know that.

No.

We have a son who is never going to come home.

Goddamn us to hell's asshole that we don't have a home for him to come home to.

What can I say?

I'm the spokesman for the useless bastards everywhere, and I'm sorry.

Please.

We can't wait for Gene to die, Gloria.

We'll waste away with him, lose all feeling.

Oh

Knock it off!

Knock it off!

-He's drunk. -I'm not.

What the hell happened to your bag?

Billy went streaking.

I did not.

-He's lying. -He dug his post.

That's not.

That's completely not.

He's an alcoholic.

Hey, hey, hey.

That's enough. That's enough. See all the fun you've been missing out on?

Let's go.

You're coming with me.

Happy now?

What, that I got burned at the TV dinner?

Larry is more hurt than anyone.

Even Jean.

It'll be better now, Ma.

I promise.

How in the hell is that supposed to happen?

I'm divorced.

Divorced. I have one child who's dead, one who is a vegetable,

another one who apparently is a drunk, and you, you, who I thought I

could trust, take off your clothes and run through stores stealing things.

That wasn't me.

I wasn't born in stupidville anytime around breakfast.

I'll call your father back here.

He could take you, too.

Larry threw the dinner at me, and I don't know, I needed to not kill him.

And Doug Post happened to come by.

Douglas goddamn Post!

What in the name of retarded bill are you doing hanging around with him?

I'm not hanging around with him.

So Douglas goddamn Post just happens to come by here?

Please explain.

Yeah, he was going to the store and wanted to know if we needed anything.

And you said, yeah, I need to air my balls and steal things from Drummond's.

I swear to God, if I catch you with that son of a bitch again, I am

going to burn a much bigger patch on your thieving, sneaking little back!

Do you hear me?

And you won't.

I promise.

3, 2, 1.

My doggie was such a big help through everything.

I don't know what it would have done.

You know, Douglas is a good kid.

He was so upset.

G, 52.

Where was that number when it would have done me some good?

Just like the rest of the useless bastards.

Who?

The doofus up there with the little balls.

He's single.

I, 15.

What did you think of Bob from the wake?

He's very nice.

Daughter's a panoramic fruit display.

You don't have to date her.

You know, there's some big shindig on over at the Navy base tonight.

I could ring him, if you want.

Billy thinks it's a good idea.

Oh, 68.

Did he put you up to this?

Oh, bingo, baby!

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner.

Great.

She's funding a color scheme.

So whose house is this?

Just you wait.

It's so nice, finally, to meet you, Billy.

Your father has told me so much about you.

He hasn't said anything about you.

Yeah, I know.

We were keeping it under wraps until we were sure.

You know of us.

Hi-er.

Meat's almost ready.

So are you sure?

Yes, Larry, we're very sure.

Because Connie's pregnant.

Larry, honestly, your brother is such a joker.

Wait, so you're not pregnant?

Where'd you get that idea?

Higher!

Ray!

I heard you two talking about it.

Billy, push!

Well, we're not really sure about it.

You know, five weeks?

Higher!

-Oh, right! -It's on fire!

Oh

Hey, will I pass in a crowd?

Depends on how big it is.

About as big as that blood clot on your face.

What the hell happened now?

We went to the fun park.

Fun park?

Yeah, it wasn't much fun.

Why are you all dressed up?

Fun park?

-Yeah, I... -I think my nose on the bar.

I've got a date with your friend Bob.

Remember him?

Was about to take an estrogen tablet.

Oh and a nerve pill make that two nerve pills

Oh earrings aren't right

You're definitely gonna pass.

Oh, alright.

That'll keep you out of trouble.

Alright, I need to practice dancing.

Oh god, what are you doing?

I don't know.

Maybe he hurt his leg since we saw him.

I don't care if they were both blown off at the hip.

He better drag his goddamn ass to the door or I'm not going anywhere.

You'll get it, okay?

Hello Gloria.

You look real nice.

I'm sorry if I'm late.

That wasn't the sorry I was looking for.

You remember Billy, Bob.

Hi, Billy.

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-Hi. -Come on in.

You smell nice.

No, I do not.

Sorry.

Look, uh, you're not gonna bust my balls all night, are you?

Look who's here.

Hi.

Billy.

Hi, Mrs. Post.

My mom just went off on our date.

Thank you for the update.

I mean, it was nice of you to set it up and all.

Thank you.

Well, I just came by to say thanks.

Again.

And see what Katrina was doing.

Bob is a very nice man.

I hope so.

Want some cake?

Yes, we have plenty of cake.

You're full of surprises.

Surprise.

I haven't danced in a long time.

Um, I assume Dottie told you about everything that's happened.

Well, I hope so.

I'd hate for there to be more.

Oh.

I miss my father and everything, but does that sound bad?

I miss my father and everything, but...

It's just that he could be such a mental case when he wanted to be.

I think I ought to be able to make some mistakes sometimes.

My mom can get kind of screw-loosey, too.

She went full-scale psychiatric at me the other night.

What'd you do?

I got caught streaking.

Streaking?

That was you?

Oh my God, that was you.

Who was the other guy?

My brother.

Weird.

But okay, I guess.

My Aunt Louise gave it to me.

You'll get used to it.

You wanna...

kiss for a while?

Come on straight girl.

Hi.

-Yeah. -Okay, then.

Can we get some more cake?

Not like that.

♪

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So how did your wife die?

Electrocuted.

Washing dishes.

Sorry.

I'm sorry, it just caught me by surprise.

I hate doing the dishes.

-Yeah. -Oh, God.

-Yeah. -Yeah, so do I.

You would?

Oh, God.

Where have you been?

At your house.

Looking for you.

The official police report came through.

Says my father committed suicide.

Wow, that's good, isn't it?

No, the insurance company doesn't pay for suicide.

We have to go to the police.

Are you crazy, Doug?

My mom would...

I got a mother, too, you know.

It'll be alright.

You know, like I said, this shit happens.

You just gotta forget about it.

I can't.

Alright, my mother has to get a crap job.

I'm messing up at school.

Hey, don't play the sob story game with me, okay, Doug?

Because I'll win.

Like, hands down.

And look, going to the police, it isn't gonna help.

You smell like perfume and pot.

I've been with Katrina.

What do you mean?

We smoked pot, and we made out.

Can you really smell it on me?

Hey, Doug, what if they think we did it on purpose?

Look, I'm sorry you lost your father, but

this could turn into a great big shit shower.

With, like, no sub.

Gene will come with me.

He wouldn't wimp.

Yeah, shit certainly does happen.

Doug, wait.

Wait.

Just give me a couple of days, okay?

Just a couple.

I have to tell my mom first.

You have until Monday.

Any calls?

No.

Hey, don't worry.

He'll call.

Yeah, and the Pope has a key to the Playboy Mansion.

What are you making?

I made dinner.

Could you be a little more specific?

I can't even be approximate.

I'm so hungry, I could eat a crowbar and shit a jungle gym.

Good.

All those loose screws you have will finally come in handy.

You know, I, uh, I've been thinking about the accident.

You missing your sister?

No.

I mean, I miss Jean.

I didn't ask you if you miss Jean.

You don't think I miss Jean?

I asked you if you missed your sister.

I don't really remember her.

How can you say that?

I don't.

I remember her playing music, but...

You better think good and hard, because you can

do a hell of a lot better than her playing music.

I mean, it was just a post-accident.

I was talking about that one.

There's something...

Um, you get it.

Um, if it's Bob, tell him I'm, um, cooking dinner.

Go on.

I'm busy.

I'm for a minute.

Hello?

Hey, Billy, Dad here.

Connie thinks you're great.

Is it him? Oh, yeah, Billy, you're so nice.

It was a nice day, wasn't it?

Uh, yeah.

Well, the good news is...

Who is it? Uh, Connie and I are getting married.

On Sunday.

And we'd really love it if you could be there.

Great.

Great.

I'll pick you up around 10, okay?

Uh, yeah, okay.

Bye.

Okay.

Sorry I can't help you out.

Television's a piece of crap.

Goodbye.

Somebody doing a survey.

All that's left to do is sign the registry book.

Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs.

Conway Kellywood.

♪

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So, this mysterious bowling ball.

Now, you say you stole it from a car.

Which car?

It was a black ball.

A car.

I think the car's black.

It was a black car?

Black or blue.

It was a dark color.

Where was it?

Where was it?

I'm talking to you.

I think it was on the other side of the hill.

OK, I don't get it.

What's this all about?

What makes two kids who have never been in trouble before suddenly

start taking their clothes off and breaking into cars and stealing things?

You do realize you're up against manslaughter here.

Involuntary manslaughter.

Zip it.

It was an accident, all right?

We didn't mean to do it.

I tried to tell you guys afterwards, but I got the hiccups.

Oh, really?

Yeah, well, you wouldn't believe how many

good confessions are just ruined by the hiccups.

So you returned to the scene of the crime to confess.

We had to get the bowling ball.

But it wasn't there.

So what happened to it, Billy?

It disappeared.

Look, I admit, I wish my father was dead

sometimes, but we didn't mean to kill him, all right?

He was fat. He was supposed to die of a heart attack.

♪

Same old Billy, sneaking around.

At least you got your clothes on.

Well, what are you doing here?

Aren't you gonna welcome me home?

What do you mean, home?

Man, Connie's a cow.

Shit, Larry, does Mom know you're here?

What do you think?

You didn't tell her about Connie the cow.

You're the bad son.

Good luck.

Ma?

You okay?

I'm sorry I'm really sorry She had

that date with Bob and Bob

is an idiot Yeah, but so's dad

so the question are you I

thought I could trust you Oh What the hell else aren't you

telling me I was trying to protect you I Don't need protecting Billy.

I need someone who's on my side

I was just worried you might take it bad.

What in the hell is wrong with you?

Of course I was gonna take it bad.

Your father tried to kill himself.

What?

Yeah, after the accident.

How in the hell do you think he broke both damn ankles?

It wasn't doing the-cha-cha.

The goddamn branch broke.

I'm the strong one, Billy.

I am.

I've had my share of problems, but they should have been our problems.

Your father's and mine.

Connie.

Connie goddamn Conway.

It's Connery Kellywood.

And she's pregnant.

Licker Larry in there already told me so.

Save your breath.

Mr. Poe's accident wasn't really an accident.

Not like everyone thinks.

What?

Doug and I stole a bowling ball out of someone's car.

And I bowled it.

It was just meant to be fun, but...

it went down the hill and...

Mr. Poe swerved to avoid it and...

Oh my God!

Oh, God.

Douglas, god damn post.

Connie, god damn Conway kennel compound.

And Billy, kicked me in the teeth.

Thanks for god damn nothing little Mr. Shit for brains.

Anything else you've been keeping from me?

Oh, just the police station.

We told them everything.

Great.

-Perfect. -And?

And they didn't find the bowling ball.

But they got to investigate further.

They thought it was suicide.

And the post insurance doesn't pay for that.

So Douglas, god damn post, thought maybe we should confess.

Maybe it would help.

And what part did a guilty conscience play in that?

I thought about it.

I thought about it a lot.

Oh, my god.

You know what's wrong with you, Billy?

God damn brain needs more god damn brains in it.

You're selfish.

You only think of yourself.

You're just like your father.

And I've had it up to my finish line with a whole bunch of you.

To think I had some hope for you.

I thought you might amount to something.

I guess I should have been more specific.

♪

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I have this dream.

In it, you're eight, and I'm six again.

And you hold my hand and walk with me to school.

That's it.

That's the dream.

Don't lock anybody's cat in anybody's car or the Holloway's dog.

Just hold my hand and walk with me to school.

It's a nice day

Wake up, Jean.

Please wake up.

How can you just sit there?

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Goin'

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Huh?

I got you something.

I thought maybe you could keep some of Linda's things in it.

Bye.

One time she dressed me up like a girl.

You know, it was kind of cute.

And we dance sometimes.

I haven't been to the cemetery in a while.

This was a favorite song.

Oh yeah, I always hated this song.

Gene's getting worse, Ma.

♪

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Mom's here.

I can't do this you can't looks terrible

Gene.

I'm sorry I haven't been.

I've been trying.

You have whiskers.

Ah, I'm here.

Made it.

What do you want me to say?

I'm so sorry that...

You're listening to me.

Never used to.

In one ear, and I always think straight out the same ear.

So are you listening now?

I was always here.

And I'm here now.

I won't come again.

I can't.

You've made the team a bit light.

Shine.

Jean, it's your turn.

You have to go.

I love you, son.

Gina, I'm gonna go with Mom.

♪

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You coming Larry?

Do you hate me?

Larry?

How could you do that?

How could I not?

Uh, your son and Douglas Post came forward a few days ago and

claimed that they were responsible for Douglas' father's death.

Yes.

Billy told me that.

I was shocked.

You could have knocked me over with a dessert spoon and then eaten me with it.

Right.

Well, we'd like to question them further down at the station.

You'll need to come with him.

Oh, Billy, you're halo-slipping.

Don't you have a friend you have to meet?

Fuck off.

Pardon the dueling banjos.

I think there were some cousin marriages on the father's side.

You might like to engage a lawyer.

Larry, okay.

You've had enough of the fun.

Now tell the officers what you told me.

About what?

Apparently, so my son tells me, the post-dope came up with this

whole bowling ball caper so his family could collect the insurance money.

I didn't tell you that.

No, Billy did.

After you told me that they were here all night.

What can I tell you?

Billy is an idiot.

I was like yourselves, gentlemen.

I swallowed the whole story like it was a

shitcake covered in a rich chocolate sauce.

I assure you, ma'am, we didn't swallow anything.

So, Larry, I'd like to hear from you.

In your own words, what happened?

The shithead and the asswipe were here all night.

They had TV dinners.

I guess the real question is, do you have the bowling ball?

No.

Bingo!

Are you sure?

Yep.

-No. -It's close enough.

No.

Please.

-What? -Sorry, everyone.

Sorry.

Sorry.

False alarm.

Just testing the bingo arm.

Bingo.

No, that's what we call a G49,

-0-63.

5, 4, 1, 2, 7.

I have to hand it to you.

You got a real talent in causing car crashes.

You're smashed.

No, I'm-I'm serious.

You should take a bow.

I mean, two-two fatal crashes and Mr. Smilinski.

You're amazing.

I mean it.

You-you really are.

I mean, me, I just had a hand in the

one crash, and that's totally fucked me up.

Oh, yeah.

Thanks for the alibi, huh, Larry?

Sure.

No problem, bro.

I, I just left him.

Gene.

I, I went back.

He, he's...

Where's mom?

Bingo.

Bingo.

I can't handle things the way you do, Billy.

How do you do it?

How do you not feel anything?

I feel things.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

It's not your fault

Caitriona's not here.

I know.

I'm sorry about the insurance.

I think my mom was a bulldozer in a past life.

Do you have any bandages?

Twenty-eight.

Twenty-eight.

Excuse me. Is there a Gloria Conway here?

Uh, yeah.

That would be...

You have a phone call.

That would be her.

Follow me.

It's out the back.

That would be me again.

T-50.

Fire.

Gene used to be the center of the universe.

He still has a big pull.

I try really hard to forget, you know, about everything that's happened.

It's just...

I don't think we should hang out anymore.

My mother had a full-grown cow and I told her what we did.

Thanks.

What about Katrina?

Do you like her?

I guess.

Hanging out with you was like getting Gene back.

It was.

It was better.

It was great.

Until everything went...

shit-shaped.

Doug...

I'm not exactly a lucky charm.

Someone's here.

Oh, shit.

It's my mother.

You're not supposed to be here.

Quick, hide.

Did we just go to a bingo parlor, or did I have an acid flashback?

Just say no to drugs.

You're home early.

Gene Conway died.

Oh, oh, oh, sweetheart, it's

okay, it's okay.

This was a long time coming.

♪

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It's a pity they couldn't have buried him all those years ago.

It would have saved a lot of grief.

I've sworn that picture of you two was in your bedroom.

Maybe you should go look for it.

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You never know what's waiting around the corner.

It could be an accident, or it might be a wonderful surprise.

Larry, for instance, announced that he and Katrina were going steady.

You could have knocked Billy over with a dessert spoon.

Gloria hugged Douglas Post at the funeral.

That was a big dessert spoon moment.

Connie had a 10-pound baby girl named Cassandra Constance Conway-Kelleywood.

Ray was overjoyed, and Billy's surprise is yet to come.

I have only one regret in my life, Buster Bill.

I'm sorry you had to see Mr. Smolenski die in that awful way.

You couldn't have helped that.

It was an accident.

I could have prevented it, but more to the point, you couldn't have.

Nor could you have saved him.

Some things are just...

Sad as they are.

We all pay for our mistakes, Billy.

You paid for yours long before you made them.

Now you gotta stop paying and see what the world has to offer.

What am I gonna do with it?

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