All language subtitles for rsg-howard-1080p

Hi, honey, this is your mother.

Listen, I know you're very
busy with the new job,

but please try and call us.

Did you get the birthday
sweater we sent?

We'll be home all weekend. Bye.

Howard, Jim here. We still set
for racquet ball on Saturday.

Give me a shout,
Buddy, bye-bye.

Hi, it's Wendy. I had this really
intense dream last night, Howie.

I was running my fingers through
your feathers, and all...

of a sudden well, you better come
over tonight and I'll show you...

what really happened next.
Ciao for now, Howie.

Hey, Ricky's back with you again for
lots more "Dance Frenzy" excitement.

Here's couple number three,
our lovely Latin dance team...

from Wedford Falls. Charles is a
Machinist First Class in the Navy...

and his darling wife, Madge,
is a blackjack dealer.

Just a super jock dance.
Charles and Madge.

Come on, let's hear it for 'em, folks.

What's the matter, George?

Jock itch again?
I've got just the thing.

Here. Why not take
a shot of New Shorts Blaster?

It's guaranteed to wipe out
feather fungus in even...

- the most active crotches.
- Shorts Blaster.

In addiction, you've won a new car.
But that's not all.

Fred, I love you so much.

- It hurts like hell.
- He's dead.

$79,95? Forget it!

$49,99? No way.

I'm Crazy Webby and
my prices are insane!

Who did they
interview this month?

Mm-Hmm my little airbrush beauty.

What?

Oh no, it's a quake!

Hey, I can't get up!

What is going on here?

Ahhhh!!

Casey, did you hear something?

I'm such a lucky girl.
I'm in love.

Whoa!

Hey!

Wow!

The Cosmos.

Countless worlds upon worlds.
Worlds without end.

In these galaxies
every possible reality exits.

And what is reality on any one
world is mere fantasy on all others.

Here, all is real
and all is illusion.

What is, what was, and what will
be, start here with the words:

"In the beginning there was..."

"Howard the Duck".

Boy!

I'm a dead duck.

Hey, come on.

No!

Bender, go on in, Frankenweed.
We finally found you a date.

What is this?

That costume doesn't fool me.
No kids allowed.

- Come on, Kid.
- Wait a minute, that's my date.

I said out of the way!

No, wait!

You little creep!

Get away from my cart,
you filthy degenerated.

- Christ, it touched me!
- What the hell is it?

I wasn't trying anything!
Honest!

Step on him!

Up, up and away!

Are you ready
for an incredible story?

- Waste it, man, waste it!
- No!

Talk about a rotten day?

- Just saw your show.
- Great, thanks.

- Beverly, we love your music.
- Goodbye now.

Could I have your
autograph on my shirt?

Me too.
On my shorts?

Real charming.
Just go away, okay?

We're talking to you,
big Rock Star!

- Don't do anything!
- Don't go snot nose on us.

- We're your biggest fans.
- Let me go!

Help somebody, help!
Help!

Come here, snot nose!

That's it.
No more Mister Nice Duck!

Let the female creature go.

Every duck's got his limit, and you
scum have pushed me over the line.

Jimmy,
do you like see what I see?

- A talking duck?
- Yeah. That's it.

I've been doing too much toot.
Shoo! Fly away!

No one laughs at
a master of Quack-Foo!

Jimmy, you okay?

Get off me!

You, creep, get out of here!

You're breaking my fingers!

Now, you and "Baby Face"
are gonna beat it, right, Mr. Zitz?

Before I get really mad!

Come on!
Let's get out of here!

This is obviously no place for
an intelligent, sensitive duck.

This is unreal.
I mean, it can't be.

- Thanks.
- You're not really a duck?

You know, this is beginning to
seriously undermine my self-esteem.

I'm sorry, I guess I should thank
you for chasing those guys off.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, sure. Terrific.

I just have one giant question.
Where am I?

The lights up there
are Ninth Street and...

the bus stops
at the corner of Powell.

No, no, no, no.
I'm asking, what is this place?

- Cleveland?
- Cleveland?

That's a perfect weird name
for this planet.

Planet?
No, no, that's a city.

The planet's
You don't know the planet?

The planet's called Earth,
I think.

And I'm obviously in some
sort of terrible nightmare.

Yeah?
Your nightmare or mine?

Good point.

So, I guess
I better be going.

Thanks again.

Bye.

Bye.

Listen?
You got someplace to go?

If I had someplace to go,
I certainly wouldn't be in Cleveland.

Come on.

Nice place.
Do you pay to live here?

It's cheap. The manager
of my band found it for me.

I suggest you find
a new manager.

I'd love to, but we got this damn
contract with this sleazoid.

He won't even give us
the money he owes us.

Come on in.

It's sort of a disaster area.

We've been working on
some new songs, you know.

See, the band's called
Cherry Bomb and, well...

we've been playing these grungy
mong-holes waiting for our big break.

You don't have any idea what
I'm talking about, do you Mister...

- Hello.
- Duck?

- It's Howard, thank you.
- Right, Howard.

Hi, I'm Beverly.

Listen, would you like
something to eat or drink?

Milk?
I could put it in a bowl.

Doll, I don't drink out of bowls.
You got a beer?

Beer?
Right, beer, right.

God, I can't believe this.

- I'll put you in a bowl.
- What?

Give me a break.

- What's this?
- It's a purse.

- I got it at a swap meet.
- Cute.

I'm sorry I'm so nervous. It's just
that I've never been around a...

I mean, I've never even had
any pets or anything, you know?

They seem like such a hassle.
You know, feeding them...

- cleaning up their little poo-poos.
- I'll try to be careful.

No, I didn't mean that you...

Look, why don't
you just sit down...

- Okay, why not?
- And make yourself at home.

- Make myself at home? I wish.
- Listen.

No, not again!

Howard, it's okay.
Are you all right?

- The chair started shaking.
- It was just a big truck going by.

A truck?
I knew that.

What I don't know is
what the hell I'm doing here!

It's like a bad trip. I mean,
talk about an identity crisis.

Yeah, what an awful
thing to happen.

Howard, I was
just kinda wondering...

does everybody
in your planet look like you?

- Obviously, why?
- No reason, just wondered.

So, what do you do back home?
You got a job? You go to school?

- I went to med school for a while.
- You went to med school?

Yeah, my parents
wanted me to be a doctor.

Plastic surgeon, making big bucks,
doing big jobs, tail tucks.

- What happened?
- I dropped out.

And I decided to educate myself
in the real world, on the streets.

So, I wrote songs at night
and did construction work by day.

That sounds great.
You know, I write songs too.

- What kind of...
- Listen, it doesn't matter.

It was all a pipe dream.
I got so tired of everyone saying...

"Grow up, Howard".
I guess I finally did.

Last month I got what
they call a "promising job".

- Yeah? Doing what?
- Advertising copywriter.

Only two things touch my feathers,
this "Oil of Night Fowl" and him.

I wrote that.

Howard, it sort of sounds
like you sold out.

Maybe. But sometimes
I still get this feeling...

there's some kind of
special destiny waiting for me.

Howard, that's it.
Maybe that's why you're here.

- What?
- I mean, I believe that...

there are no accidents
in the Universe.

Maybe you're here
for some greater purpose.

- Some cosmic cause.
- Are you nuts?

I got no intention
of being stranded here.

I gotta get back.
How, is another matter.

Yeah, right.
We got get some help.

But, Howard...

Geez.

Howard?

What am I gonna
do with you, Ducky?

- This is humiliating.
- I just don't want people...

- freaking out all over the place.
- What about me?

I'm gonna have to see
a psychiatrist every day...

- for the rest of my life.
- Relax, we're almost there.

- Goody.
- Phil's a scientist. He can help.

- Howard, this isn't working.
- Tell me about it.

Can I give you
a hand with that.

- No, we're doing...
- What's in the bag?

I'm doing just fine,
thank you very much.

Let me out of here.

- Excuse me. Can I help with that?
- No!

Yes!

Why are we stopping?

- Hi.
- Hi, Beverly.

We had an appointment.
We got here as fast as we could.

Listen, everybody, this is it!
I've just seen it!

It's in there!
It's a...

It's nothing!
It's nothing, never mind.

Carry on, Dr. Chapin.

This is amazing.
Man's oldest fantasy.

Across a sea of stars!
Look up in the sky!

It's a bird!
It's a plane!

- No, it's a duck!
- Phil, you gotta help us!

- What are we gonna do?
- Nice, Ducky.

Me, Phil, you Howard.
We be friends.

Me Phil, you Howard.
We be friends.

Undoubtedly on of Earth's
greatest minds here.

Phil, don't talk to him like that.
He's just as smart as you are.

- Now I'm really depressed.
- Highly intelligent, perhaps even...

Wait, that's it.
We're about to see...

if subject has any abilities
we don't have on Earth, any...

- What?
- Shall we say, super powers?

Howard, can you bend this?

- What are you, crazy?
- Howard...

can you burn a hole through
this with some kind of eye laser?

Can I bite your nose off
with my super bill?

Howard, quit holding out.
I want you to concentrate...

- and read my mind.
- Right. You're thinking...

"They know I'm a phony.
They know I'm a yo-yo."

Tell me if I'm warm
on any of these, Phil.

I want you to look into the future
and tell me what you see.

- I see myself walking out that door!
- Yeah, me too.

- No, no, no, wait! You can't leave.
- Yeah, why not?

Because there are papers
to be written, there's research...

to be done and there's symposiums
to give, lecture tours.

Howard, we are on our way
to the Science Hall of Fame.

Look out Darwin! Look out Einstein!
Hello, Nobel Prize!

We are not here to
make you famous, Blumburtt.

Beverly, listen, I never
bad-mouthed others...

in the scientific fraternity but
you bring in an alien in a bag...

to most guys and
whamo they are talking.

Let's cut him into little pieces and
see what color his organs are.

I just wanna know,
"A", what I'm doing here...

and "B",
how I'm gonna get back?

Piece of cake.
"A" I'm just the guy to help...

and that's because "B",
I've already got a theory.

- What theory?
- Well, this is, of course...

the evolutionary ladder
showing how man progressed...

- from monkey, to me, for instance.
- You consider that progress?

You're all hairless apes?
That's really disgusting.

Now, I want you both to imagine
somewhere in the Universe...

is Howard's world,
picture it in your mind.

A world almost
exactly like ours...

except that the progenitor
of the dominant species...

- was not a monkey but a duck!
- Some theory.

Every school duck
knows this stuff!

And as duck climbed up
the evolutionary ladder...

he said "Adios" to his wings.
His mental capacity increases.

He begins to develop.
Beverly?

- Shopping Malls?
- No, tribes.

Cro-Magnon Duck, who
ultimately evolves into Howard.

Blumburtt?
Blumburtt?

- Come on!
- What the hell are you doing?

- What?
- Don't move! Don't breathe!

Did you finish cleaning
up the specimen lab?

- Almost finished.
- Well, get down to...

the Marine Lift Exhibit
with a mop.

Some kid upchucked
all over the fern fossils.

Right.
Good as done, Dr. Chapin.

So, Philsey, you are
a scientist or a janitor?

- I'm a lab assistant.
- That's terrific! Just perfect.

- Yep, I'm out of here.
- Look, it's just a temporary job...

until I finish school and
get my own museum.

Yeah, stuffed you'd
make a great exhibit.

Howard!
Howard, wait!

- Typical hairless ape.
- Howard, look, come on...

don't flutter off in a huff!
Beverly, listen, I've got...

some important matters to clean up
here, but I'll call you tonight.

I'll figure out a way
to help Howard, I swear.

Just don't show him
to anybody else!

Yeah, they look hungry.
Get them a banana.

Hide him!
Take him to a movie!

Look, I didn't know
where else to go for help.

- Inside, Blumburtt.
- Coming. Coming.

Howard, why are
you so pissed off?

Why? Listen, if you got blasted
millions of miles through space...

ended up on another
planet and were given...

an I.Q. Test by a janitor,
you'd be pissed off too!

Look, maybe you are trapped
in a world you never made...

but, I got problems of my own.
My whole career is falling apart.

Your career?
What about my life?

- I'm stranded here, ship wrecked!
- Look at this wonderful exhibit.

You see what I mean?
I'm a freak. An outcast.

- It's so life-like and realistic.
- Bug off.

- Excuse me?
- I said, "beat it".

Mutants.
You, too.

- Leave me alone!
- What?

I don't need any more of
your sympathy, your charity!

Okay. Okay, fine.
I mean, I just found something...

I meet somebody in a pretty weird
predicament and I was trying to help.

But if that's the way you want it,
then so long, Ducky!

Don't shed any
tears over me, Toots!

You can wallow
in your own self pity!

Right!
Well, who needs you?

- I don't need anybody!
- Yeah, right.

Yeah.

Damn it! I can't sit here on my tail
feathers feeling sorry for myself.

I've got to think
about practical matter.

Food, shelter, a job.

Now you do know
why you were sent to me?

My continuing
streak of bad luck?

You've been sent to me because
I'm famous for finding job...

for little slackers like you.
That's right.

They send me all the psycho cases.
All the misfits.

All the phonies and
the fakers who think that...

by traipsing in here
looking outlandish...

they're not gonna
be able to find work!

It's my fault I gotta shoplift at
the little tyke section of goodwill?

I'm not talking about your clothes,
I'm talking about your face.

You think that by looking
controversial, you're never...

gonna find a job and just
go on collecting unemployment...

and living happy
on the public dough.

Well, dude, you've got
another think coming!

Because Cora Mae always
places her interviewee.

I'm gonna
find your ass a job.

That'll wipe that snarl right off
your face, little whatever you is.

In fact, I think I got
just the position for you!

I got a feeling you're gonna take
to this job like a duck to water.

Towels, lotion?

Antibiotics?

It must mating season.

Creepy little dude.
Shorty?

It's Howard, thank you,
and I'm taking a break.

Pardon me,
Your Aloneness...

but we seem to have a plugged
up airjet in number five.

- And?
- And since you are supposed...

to be the water expert I asked for,
you are going to fix it!

No!

No, no, no, wait, wait.
I got a better Idea!

Wait, wait.
I can't swim!

Kid, guess I slipped.

Don't mind me.

Oh, I leave that creepy little dude
in here to clean this place up...

How am I supposed to run
a class...

Guess I slipped.

Just came by to tell you...

I quit!

Excuse me.
Getting off. My stop.

Hi, there. How are you?
Good to see you.

Yeah, same to you!

Urban jungle!
Geez!

- What is that?
- That's a duck...

- What is that thing?
- That's a duck, man!

Forecasting our week of fair weather
for you duck hunters...

- for what reported, Steve Cannelli.
- Well, Bob...

it's time to dust off those decoys
and practice that squawking...

because duck hunting season
has officially opened.

- Duck hunting?
- The Live Wild Commission...

has actually doubled the limit
of ducks that can be shot.

Shot?

This Duck has come to America
with Duck A Roni.

No!

But if every hunter could blast
fifteen of those in the sky...

Hey, buddy, what's the rush?

This way is too depressing.

Give me a beat!

One, two, three, four!

Honey, I love you!
I love you!

I'm right here. Beverly, I'm yours
after the show. Alright.

- Here's the money for the girls.
- I'll make sure they get it.

- Yeah, I'll bet. When?
- When?

When Beaudacious Beverly stops
holding out to me.

I'm gonna invite her up
to my place tonight...

for a little
career manipulation.

I guess you must be the girls'
manager. And if you are...

I don't like the way you're talking
about Beverly.

And I want the girl's money!

- Ritchie? Would you... What is that?
- Oh, look, Ginger...

I warned you when you got into
Rock Management...

you'd be dealing with
entertainment types.

You know, different strokes
and all that?

Different life styles is one thing,
different life forms is another.

I'm not in a real good mood
tonight, Ginger.

I want the girls' money.

Now, is this gonna be easy...

- or is this gonna be trouble?
- Hey, Ritchie...

tell it to go away. I'm not up all
my barnyard languages.

Okay, Duck, out! You're gone!
You're history!

You little wise pecker!

Arrevidici, Duck!

- Mallard in the side pocket.
- Adios, quack man.

Very nicely done.

Hey, what's going on
out there now?

- All right, now it's my turn!
- Hey, come on, Duck!

Take your best shot!

- You got it!
- Ritchie!

Stuck-a-bob!

No!

No earring in your other ear?
I'll just make the hole myself.

No, please, man, no,
man, please! Don't!

- The money!
- Sure. Sure, here!

You take the money!
Take it! It's your! Take it!

And, you're no longer
their manager!

Listen, okay.
Everybody in here is a witness.

I'm letting the girls out of
their contract, okay?

- Tell your goons to stay back!
- I'm warning you!

- Get back, Ritchie!
- I bite your face...

- you're a dead man, Ginger!
- What are you talking about?

Space rabies!

- Ritchie, is that a real disease?
- I don't know, Ging...

I heard something about
that on the news.

That's right, Space Rabies!
Yeah, one bite, and...

it's agonizing death in 15 seconds.
Bite, bite. Bite!

We're all music lovers, huh?

What a guy.

- Those guys are a bunch of fools.
- Obviously the wrong crowd.

I'm running out of sticks to
throw at these people! Sucks!

- Now who?
- Look, tell him to go away.

Down here, doll.
Is Beverly in?

Geez, you must be K. C...

- Meet Howard.
- Hi, oh, Howie.

We've heard so much about you.
Of course, we didn't believe it.

How weird.

- Hi you, Ducky.
- Hi, Toots.

How's the world been
treating you?

- Guess.
- I was worried about you.

- I missed you.
- Well, sex appeal...

some guys got it...

- and some guys don't.
- Howard?

Listen, I'm sorry we fought.
You're the only friend...

I've got here.

Hi, sorry I missed the show.
I came to watch you undress, though.

And I brought a pizza.

Howard!

Boy!

Thank God you're back.
I've been working on...

- the mystery of your arrival.
- What's he doing here?

Well, he and Ronette have sort
of got back together.

I don't know who's more desperate
for dates, you or me.

What?

Anyway, Howard, I was talking
to some Astro-physicists.

You know, the guys who discovered
that Aztecs came from Mars?

- Well, these guys concluded...
- No!

That you arrived here in a space
craft millions of years ago, and...

- must've remained frozen in ice.
- Go away!

Ronette, could you
shut this boy up?

- Howard...
- What's a pizza?

It's a circular Italian food object.
Howard...

I didn't buy that theory either,
so I did some research...

and I discovered an ancient race
of large ducks worshipped by...

- primitive Somoans.
- Leave me alone!

I was barking up the wrong tree.
I knew that. But...

tonight I am getting concrete
evidence about how you got here.

Wait a minute.
Oh, I gotta make a call.

- Phil?
- No sex now, I'm working.

Got a place to stay tonight?

Yeah, by the way I forgot.
I had a little talk...

- with your manager Ginger?
- You talked to that slime?

- What for?
- I got your money from him.

Ducky, I can't believe this.

I also got him to agree that it
was time for him to step aside...

- as your manager.
- What?

- You got rid of Ginger?
- Mr. Duck, you're wonderful.

This is it!
I'm out of here!

- Good.
- Howard...

I'm about to meet secretly
with my colleague...

- and he's bringing The Feather.
- What feather?

- What are you talking...
- If it matches...

- it'll be the answer to your problems.
- Matches?

No, you don't!
Stay away from me!

- You leave him alone!
- Let me through!

Philip, you're a drip!

I'm about to unravel
the mystery of your arrival!

- Come back here, your hairless ape!
- You'll have time to thank me later!

- Get out of here!
- We're gonna be famous.

- Are you okay?
- Ah, it's just my pride.

We'll go home, Ducky.

All right.

Hey!

- Little tune, I never finished.
- You play pretty good.

I had a group in high school.
Howard and the Heartbreakers.

Oh, heavy, Howard, very heavy.
Maybe you should be our manager.

Wait a second.

Maybe you're just the kind
of bazaar influence we need.

- Forget it. No more jobs here.
- I think you'd be a great manager.

- I'm gonna suggest it to the girls.
- I've given up trying to assimilate.

I've gotta get back
to my own kind.

Although...

I have developed a greater
appreciation...

for the female version of the
human anatomy.

Howard,
you really are the worst.

Come on,
let's watch David Letterman.

Come on.

- Okey-dokey.
- You know...

I got a felling my life's really
gonna change...

- since you fell into it, Ducky.
- Yeah, well...

- I'm glad somebody's happy.
- If I could just get...

my career back on course
I'd only have...

the old standard worry left.

- What's that?
- I just can't seem...

- to find the right man.
- Maybe it's not a man...

you should be looking for.

You think I might find happiness
in the animal kingdom, Ducky?

Like they say, doll, love's strange.
We could always give it a try.

Okay...

Let's go for it, Mr. Macho.

What do you mean? Okay?
It was a joke.

- Listen, I'm pretty tired.
- It's just that you're so...

- incredibly soft and cuddly.
- Bev, let's be realistic.

I mean, my apartment's zillions
of miles from here.

- You're three feet taller that I am.
- I just can't resist...

your intense
animal magnetism.

Anyway, where will it all lead?
Marriage, kids...

- a house in the suburbs?
- Let's just face it.

- It's fate.
- No, it's not!

- I've got a headache.
- And I've got the aspirin.

Be gentle.

Just one good night kiss
sweet Ducky?

Come on, Howard,
I was just kidding.

Good night.

My God.
This relationship...

- it defies all the laws of nature.
- No, it doesn't.

This is not what you think.
We're just very good friends.

- Phil?
- I'm sorry. The door was open.

- Who the hell are they?
- This is my friend Carter...

and, this is Dr. Walter Jenning.
And I told them all about you...

- Howard.
- You were obviously right.

- Show, show him the evidence.
- What evidence?

We tested them, and they're both
from the same fowl.

You, Howard.

- My feathers?
- Howard, Howard, don't go beserk!

- No!
- On my planet, we never say die...

- we say kill!
- Now, wait a minute.

Listen to me, Small Visitor.

I can explain
how you got here.

Dr Jenning is in charge of the
Astro-Physics Lab at Dyna-Technics.

- Now, on the night of September 18th.
- That's the night Howard landed.

Yes, now on that night we were
initiating our first full scale...

- test of the Laser Spectra scope.
- It was shot during the experiment.

It was just a routine procedure
meant to measure...

the density of the gases that
surround the Alpha Centauri.

However, part way through the
experiment, there was a...

a deviation and...

we lost control of the
laser spectra scope.

- What do you mean "lost control"?
- Some unknown force...

was re-directing the laser beam from
its original target so that it hit...

- your planet instead.
- Hit my planet?

How about hitting my living room?
Talk about an invasion of privacy?

When the beam hit, you must have
been caught up in a massive...

energy inversion, which literally
dragged you through space...

back to the power source
here on earth.

- Radical.
- In the lab that night...

we saw a single feather fall.

We weren't aware that the rest
of you, Howard...

had landed in that alley just
two miles away. Any questions?

Yeah.
Where are my pants?

- Howard, where you going?
- To this lab of theirs.

- What for?
- To hop back on board...

that laser thing. Then all you have
to do is hit the reverse lever...

to send me back home.
Right?

Well, we hadn't considered
reversing the process.

- I, I don't think it's feasible.
- Me, either.

Now, wait a minute.
If we could generate...

- a strong enough hyper-charge...
- You can't do that.

You mean the reflex mode might
provoke a total reversal?

- Itjust might be possible.
- It won't work.

- Yeah.
- Sir.

Don't, don't listen to them, Howard.
I have got you booked...

on A.M. Cleveland. We can get the
cover of Science Digest. We, we...

- Butt Out, four-eyes.
- Yeah.

Look, you guys, could you
really send him back?

If we did, we could establish a
continuing link between our planets.

But, he would have to leave tonight
while the alignment still exists.

- We can't afford to wait.
- You mean...

I'm finally gonna breeze
this fly trap?

Ducky, this is what you wanted.
You're going home.

- Yeah.
- Right.

Carter, call Larry have him set up
the initiation procedure.

Tell him I'll meet him at the lab
right away. You and Blumburtt...

can bring Howard. You are about to
make history a second time...

- my little friend.
- Thanks...

but once was plenty.

- Get to it.
- Right.

You know, Howard, we could
hold out for a PBS special.

Phil!

Bev, get dressed. Aren't
you gonna see me off?

Sure I am. I just hope they
let you take a carry-on bag.

Look, I'm gonna put on these
Polaroids that we took at the Club.

Thanks.
These'll help...

or the guys back home
are never gonna believe me.

- What's this in my bag?
- Souvenirs?

- I'm gonna miss you a lot, Ducky.
- Bev...

I don't belong here.
You know I've gotta go.

Yeah.

Lily had the dolphins.
Cousteau, the whales.

Goudall gorillas.
I had a duck.

I could have been
a contender.

Bev?
I'm not a real sentimental guy.

No, I bet you were born from
a very hard-boiled egg, Ducky.

Yeah. But, I do keep wondering...

of all the alleys in the world
I could have fallen into that night.

Why did it have to be yours?
Because, right now...

you're the one and only thing that's
making it very hard for me to leave.

- There's no guard.
- We should go back then?

Phil?

- What?
- Drive.

What are these alarms?

- Something's happened.
- What's happened?

I don't know.

- That is really cool.
- Right. Hold it!

Security!

My eyes! My eyes! It exploded again!
It was terrible!

We have no right to tamper
with the Universe.

This does not hold well.

Is he okay?

Get out of the way!
- It's still hot!

Get them out of here!
Head for the emergency exists.

Howard, where are you going?

- Larry, where's Dr. Jenning?
- Carter, come here.

Let me show you this.

He was pre-activating the
laser spectra-scope...

we lost control again and there
was another explosion.

And, Jenning caught the full
force of the blast this time.

- Is he all right? Where is he?
- You, you see the bottom...

of the spectra scope, blew it
to the wall and Jenning just...

- just disappeared.
- Excuse me.

But is this gonna delay
my take-off?

Is, is that it?
That's unbelievable!

Yeah. We brought Howard down
the first time, but what if...

God, Larry what if we brought down
something else this time?

We're rounding up all the scientists
for you in the lab, sir...

but I think you better take a look
at this other...

- this other thing first.
- A thing... Hansen?

Is that kind of precise,
descriptive techniques...

they're teaching Rookies
nowadays? A thing?

I, I wanna know what they're
doing with Howard in there?

- Excuse me, are you in charge here?
- Yeah. Why?

Well, I wanna know why they're
harassing Howard.

Who's Howard?

He had nothing to do with it.
Howard, Howard is just an innocent.

- Thing?
- No, Duck!

Just an innocent duck?

They wonder why I'm asking
for an early retirement...

- you deal with this.
- Wait a second, you can't...

Herbie, you got
a 'thing' in here?

Thing.

I've had enough!
I wanna see my lawyer.

I've got rights, you know?
I'm suing.

Yeah.

Goddamnit, Hansen, get in here
and get this friggen duck suit...

- of this nut!
- Okay, sir.

Hey, hey, let me go!
You big oafs!

On my planet we never say...
die, we say...

not my shorts!

You perverts!

- Lieutenant?
- Lieutenant, there's no zipper.

There's no buttons.
No Velcro, sir.

I think the suspect's
stuff is like inboard, sir.

- Yeah. I, I think he's for real.
- If your goons are finished!

Let go on me!

I'd like a word with those
so-called scientists out there!

- Oh, yeah? What about?
- About when they can rev up...

- that machine and send me back home.
- Listen, Howard...

I'm gonna go talk to
the scientists out there.

You are gonna go play sitting
duck in a jail cell.

- Lieutenant, what's the charge, sir?
- IIlegal alien.

Come on.

- I'll get the car.
- All right.

Oh, a cigar!
All right, that's how it starts.

Police brutality!

- Hey, stop manhandling him!
- Hey, you can't come in here.

Here's another one already lift.

- Oh, nuts, I dropped my cigar.
- What?

- Fire!
- Where?

- Oh, Geez, that's all I need.
- So long, copper!

Desperate ducks
commit desperate acts!

Freeze!

Book him, Ducko!

Give her the keys to the cuffs,
Flatfoot!

Yeah.

What are you doing here
tonight? You got no ID.

- Lieutenant?
- What?

The duck got away.

Shut up, fool!
Get him out of here!

Over here on the double.
Okay. I want this guy.

The suspect is three foot
one inches tall.

- Three-two, thank you.
- You heard me.

He's armed. That means
he's got a weapon, right?

- That also means he's dangerous.
- Me?

Extremely dangerous.

Shoot to kill!

Let's move it out!
Come on!

Richard, come with me.

Okay.

Let's go.

- No, don't shoot.
- We give up!

- Time out!
- We surrender.

- Dr. Jenning?
- What?

- More cops, come on, hurry!
- What?

- Come here.
- Get over here, Doc.

- Howard, Howard...
- What?

The laser spectra-scope
malfunctioned again.

There was a tremendous
explosion and then...

I must have blacked out. Then
suddenly I find myself out here.

- Are they after you?
- Does 'shoot to kill' sound serious?

I'm probably finished, too.

Those experiments
weren't authorized.

They're probably
gonna blame me.

Oh, my God, he needs help.
Howard, maybe...

- we all should get out of here.
- You got a car, Doc?

What's wrong with me?
There's the back gate.

- Good, there's no cops.
- I don't have a gate key.

You've got a foot, don't you?
So step on it.

Lieutenant, a car crashed out
the back gate.

- Headed for Highway Five.
- All right, get out an All Points...

- Bulletin right now.
- Yes, sir!

How in the hell am I gonna explain
a manhunt for a duck?

- It's a duck hunt.
- Hansen, please, don't, don't...

don't start, please? Please?

Can't you understand?
I'm telling you I saw something!

Doc, you're in shock
from the explosion...

- and you're imagining things.
- Watch where you're going, damn it!

Listen, an evil has landed.
The world is in great danger.

Yeah, it certainly is when
you're out on the highway.

Look out!

You're gonna get us killed.

It feels like something inside me
gnawing at my guts!

- What's wrong with me?
- Well, what did you have for lunch?

Oh, boy!
Oh, boy!

Come on, give us a break!
Don't close your eyes.

The pain.

It's like I'm transforming inside.
I'm afraid I'm about...

- to become something else.
- Oh, great...

- like a sex change or something.
- Something's growing inside me.

It's replicating and superseding
all my intern organs!

Well, stop at a bathroom, huh?

That monster's shape I saw.

- Jenning!
- It's inside my body.

This guy's delirious.
He's not making any sense.

It's too late.
The end of the world is coming...

and I will be the cause of it.

Jenning, man, slow down!
Steer you big yo-yo! Steer!

Howard, step on the brake!
Howard, step on the brake!

Oh, no!
White line, wrong way.

- The brake! Push, Beverly, push!
- I'm trying!

I'm dead.
Yes, you are.

- You think that's funny, Jenning?
- I'm not Jenning any more.

The transformation is complete.
I am now someone else.

Try telling that to your
insurance company.

I think he needs come coffee.
Come on.

Oh, after you.

Hey, sorry.

This is why
I hate the night' shift.

I'm sorry, we don't allow
pets on the premises.

Hey, have a heart.
Seeing eye duck.

Touching, isn't he?

Not so tight. What are you doing?
Falling in love?

Yeah, sit down.

I need a beer bad.
Gotta find a waitress.

Yeah.

- Hey, honey! You!
- Yeah, I'm coming.

Here she comes.

Your kid's costume is really radical.
I'll bet he's crazy about...

Yeah, I'm very
attached to him.

Your dad's sort
of in his own space.

What do you think
he'd like to eat?

I no longer need
human food.

I know it's a drag, but you're
gonna have to order some food...

if you wanna sit here, so how
about the specials on the menu?

You are about to witness
the end of the old world...

and the birth of the new.

Hey, is he like one of those
TV Evangelists or something?

- Yeah.
- Or something.

- I'm gonna kill somebody.
- It's okay, Howard.

Why don't we just have three
specials and three beers.

Right.

- Poor girl.
- Listen, Dr. J.

If you could tune back
into reality for a second.

I don't understand anything
you're talking about.

All I know is I need that
laser machine to get me home.

Is it still working, Jenning?
Jenning!

I told you, bird brain,
I'm not Jenning any more!

I am now one of the Dark
Over Lords of the Universe.

- Dark Over Lord of the Universe?
- That must be quite a responsibility.

Tonight the laser beam hit
the Nexus of Sominus.

What is that?
A Suburb of Cleveland?

It lied beyond the planets.
It's a region of demons...

to which we Dark Over Lords
were exiled eons ago.

- I hope you're getting all this.
- Howard, what I'm getting is that...

- this man is very, very sick.
- Just as you...

were brought down
here accidentally.

Tonight the laser beam
released me from that...

region of demons and
pulled me down into that lab.

- Small universe.
- During the explosion...

I entered Jenning's body.
So...

I have disguised
my true form...

which would be considered
hideous and revolting here.

Lucky for the people eating.

You ordered the specials,
what's wrong?

This will mean the extinction
of all existing life forms.

- You haven't even tasted it, yet.
- What do you think?

I'm into cannibalism
or something?

Hey, are we like all in
the same discussion here?

I'll give you a hint, Doll.
What's white, ovid...

and always reminds
me of my birthday?

- I don't know.
- The eggs! Get them out of here!

Gosh, you know, hostility
is like psychic boomerang.

I can't believe this planet!
Fried eggs. Yuck!

- Just bring the beer!
- Howard? Howard?

- What happened?
- How the hell did you do that?

- My powers are growing.
- Watch out!

- It is time now.
- What's that?

It is the code key. It will
activate the laser spectra scope...

when I use it tonight to bring
down the other Dark Over Lords.

- The others?
- Now he's got a whole gang.

Well, screw them.
I got dibs on the laser first.

Gimme that code hey.
That's my ticket home!

- Look at his hand!
- It's nothing. Look at his face!

Yes. Soon the Dark Over
Lords will engulf the Earth.

- Nothing human will remain here.
- Nothing ducks will remain either!

- Move, we're going!
- You will get the check?

Hate to eat and run.

- Hello there.
- Get out of the way.

- Hey, look the talking duck.
- Bug off!

- Lord, what is that?
- You jackass, he's a ventriloquist.

These guy here is doing the talking
and this here's the dummy.

Go ahead,
say something, dummy!

You might not wanna hear
what I'll say, Bozo!

Did you make him
say that, Jerk Off?

Leave him alone! He was
just in an industrial accident.

- So take a hike, Cowboy!
- You...

- You're a dead duck!
- Hey!

What's this? The key
to your duck mobile?

Gimme that or
you're gonna be sorry.

Better watch out he's
a master of Quack-foo!

I'll Quack-foo him!

Bullies!

Put me down!
Come on that front.

All nice!
Going up! I'm going.

This one's for you, Cracker!

- Good shot! Good shot!
- Another hungry customer!

- You...
- Toro, toro! Ole!

I'm gonna get you,
you dumb duck!

Hey, boy!

Call the police!
Not the police!

Call somebody else!
They're gonna hurt Howard.

An evil unlike any you can imagine
is about to engulf the Earth.

No, no, we have fights
in here all the time.

- Man, Jenning! Your order is ready.
- Are you gonna just sit there?

- She took my eggs!
- One special!

- Howard!
- Beverly!

- Howard!
- Jenning!

- I could use some help here, Buddy!
- Come on, let's get out of here!

Howard?

You're not getting away now,
you stinking little bird!

Put me down!
Put me down right now!

Put him down! Howard maybe
a duck but you people are animals!

- He's my boyfriend!
- That's disgusting.

You don't make me
proud to be a human!

Let me just pay the
check and I'm out of here.

I can't believe that you're
just sitting here.

Look what they're
doing to Howard!

- Geez!
- Chicken fry!

Where's the SPCA
when you need them?

- I am not immune.
- I'm gonna barbecue your bill, bird.

Great duck in heaven,
this is the end of Howard.

There's gonna be more violence!
I hate violence!

You gotta go in there
and beat them up.

Jenning! Jenning, don't
just sit there! This is serious!

- They're gonna cook me!
- Take that!

- Any last words?
- Yeah, Jenning!

- He's my favorite duck.
- You hardly know him.

Jenning! They're seasoning me!
Wait, you better let me up.

- You don't wanna get my friend angry!
- Yeah? Why?

Because he's one of the
Dark Over Lords of the Universe.

And he can destroy
you and the Earth, everything.

Yeah, well, I didn't
buy it at first either.

Look, they're laughing at you
and they've got Mr. Code Key.

My God!

- One, two...
- Wait a minute! Jenning!

Look! I warned you!
Here he comes!

- He must have ate the chili.
- Release the small water fowl!

- Bring me the Code Key, Howard.
- Right! The Code Key!

You heard him!
Cut me loose!

Sounds like a brunch of
bull puckie to me!

My God!

My God!

- Are you okay, Howard?
- Yes.

- Enough of this crap!
- You out of here!

If you can't take the heat,
get out of that kitchen!

- Where's the Code Key?
- It's closing time!

The Code Key! It's not nice
to fool with the Dark Over Lord.

- They get the point, Jenning!
- Get out of the way!

- Now's our chance.
- Yeah, come on. This way.

Cut it out, Howard.

- Going somewhere?
- Yeah, without you!

- Move the table out of the way!
- I can't, it's stuck!

What's wrong?

Howard, get down from there!

- Like I'm doing this on purpose?
- Give me the Code Key!

Yeah? What if I don't?

Can't you take a joke?
Geez, you broke my head.

I will now bring down
the other Dark Over Lords.

Hey, what about me?

You filthy scum bucket!

Run!

No! Beverly!

Beverly?

Howard, look out!

You killed him!
You killed him!

Beverly, I'll find you!

- I need your body.
- You creep, I've that one before!

The Dark Over Lords cannot
exist on this planet unless...

- they grow inside a human body.
- God, no!

I hurt! Need energy.

Watch out!

More energy!

Geez, that's the grossest!
I'm gonna puke!

There was this big guy and
this girl and this little kid.

At least I thought it
was a little kid.

Then I flashed on reality right!
Halloween's not till next month.

I know my rights.
Where's my baseball cap?

- Shut up!
- Bastards!

Can't move!

Philsey?

Philsey?

Philsey! It's me.

Howard.

Howard, I got arrested at the plant.
I'm gonna have a criminal record.

Jenning kidnapped Beverly.

He's taking her back
to that science lab.

- What? Why?
- He's some kind of monster.

He's gonna bring down more of
his buddies. He's got big plans.

Like taking over Earth.
Philsey, we gotta get out of here.

Howard, this door doesn't
have any handles...

get a rock or something
and break this window.

- A rock?
- Window.

Let me try the door first.

- How we getting out of here?
- Come on.

Philsey, where we going?

Hey, over here.

- They're gonna be gone soon.
- Hey, let's steal a cop car.

Don't you think that would
be a little conspicuous?

- Hitchhike? Cab?
- What is that?

Gezz! It looks like an airplane.

Well, it will be. We can
put it together in no time.

Somebody's weekend hobby's
gonna get back to that lab.

Hey, we've got a saying
on my planet.

If God intended us to fly he
wouldn't have taken away our wings.

That's really profound, Howard.
Could you find the tool box?

Yeah, I know why
you want a tool box.

You got a screw loose.

- Power.
- No.

They just spotted
the duck and the kid.

- Where?
- Behind the warehouse next door.

- They're about to take off.
- What do you mean "take off"?

- It's not doing anything.
- Cops!

- Push forward on the throttle.
- Okay, yeah.

Full throttle!
Full throttle!

- Cops, Philsey!
- One eighty, Howard.

Right.

One away!

Come on! Hurry up!

- There's cops everywhere.
- Not in the air, Howard! Up, up!

Look out!

Prepare for a take-off.

No, no!

Follow them! Bring them
down and bring them back!

I want that duck!
Dead or alive!

- South, Southwest, Howard.
- What?

That way. Stay low!

Beverly, I'm coming
to get you, sweetheart.

Help me! Help! Somebody help me!
Please, help me!

Please watch your step.

I think you're all gonna
find this very interesting.

You know, honestly, Congressman
this Three Mile Islands China...

Syndrome melt down stuff.
It's all history.

The only melt downs
around here...

are the cheese sandwiches
in the toaster oven.

These Washington guys take
a real beating on these junkets.

Our nuclear reactor is pumping
out one million kilowatts of power.

One million kilowatts of power?

Yes, sir. Listen, I think
we could all use cup of coffee.

Help! Somebody help me,
please! Help!

Come on! Go, go, go, go!

I feel much better.

What's that? Right pedal!
Right pedal!

- Damn it, that was too close!
- I'm just learning here!

Howard, in pre-historic
times you flew.

Fly, Howard! Find your instincts.
Trust your birdness. Fly!

Howard, pull up! Pull up!

- Touch down!
- Great landing, Howard...

but this isn't gonna
get us to the lab.

You said to follow my instincts.
This is my nesting instinct.

- I'm flying, blind here.
- Shut up! You're not flying at all!

- Let her rip!
- Bombs away!

Pull it up, Howard,
were running outta land!

- Wet stuff ahead!
- Watch out!

Death from the skies
to all duck, Hunters!

Toro, toro, toro!

Vengeance is mine! Yeah!

Bonzai!

Slow down.
Slow down.

Hey, you, pull over here!

This is a smog
device inspection.

- And I need... Shut off the engine!
- It is off! Somebody's pushing!

Shut it down! Shut it down!
What the hell is wrong with you?

- I wanna see your license, Jack!
- I have no license, I am not Jack.

Smog inspection!

What happened?

We gotta get outta here!

- Damage report, Philsey?
- Fuel hose is busted!

Rudder is wasted. Basically,
we're dying here, Howard.

- I'm bailing out!
- No, you're not!

You're gonna get up there
and fix this lawn mower now!

- Philsey, how's it going?
- I'm getting close.

- I'm on top of it!
- Good.

Relax, Howard, I almost got it!

Philsey, I did a loop the loop.
I'm getting good at this! I...

Howard!

Stop, Howard!

Geez, I thought I lost you.

Philsey, this is no time
for water sports.

I'm just kidding, big guy.

Hey, scum, lemme go!

- Philsey, get back up here!
- I'm trying!

No, no, don't shoot!
I'm an innocent hostage!

- The duck's a lunatic!
- What?

He's a duck terrorist!
He hijacked the plane!

Howard, pull it back!

- Welcome back, Philsey!
- Thanks, it's great to be back.

Will you watch
the road, damn it?

Hey, it's just another car.
It's no big deal!

- Yes, big deal! Big...
- What?

Big, big, big...

- No wings.
- Welcome to the club.

Coming through!

That's a lotta fun.
I'd like to get off now.

Slow down.
Slow down!

Relax, I'll just throttle
this baby back.

- Philsey! I better tell you now.
- What?

I can't swim!

Philsey, help!
Philsey, help me!

Never heard of a duck
that couldn't swim.

- Shut up and save me!
- We've been through hell!

Now, I there is some kind of monster
in here. Howard this crazy!

Phil, no duck is an island and
if fate sent me here to save her.

Then, I wonder that duck
is ready to fight.

Damn!

He's starting
the spectra-scope.

Gezz, he's gonna bring down
another Dark Over Lord.

- We gotta get Beverly outta there.
- Hey, take it easy, Conan.

What are you gonna fight him with?
We gotta find some kind of... Wait!

Carter showed me something here once
that might do it, if we can find it!

You'll never get away with this!

We'll find it! Come on, Philsey!

You don't scare me!

Boy, the Defense Research. This
is it! This is it! This is locked!

Okay, I know where it is.
It's on the right or the left or...

There it is.
The Neutron Disintegrator.

- And a big lock.
- Rats!

Okay, all right. Turn me
into a Dark Over Lord...

I'll still spit in
your wormy face!

Welcome to Dyna-Technics.
Authorized personnel only.

Please insert Code Key. Authorized
personnel only, thank you.

Hello, Dr. Jenning. Please select
your target an enter target course.

Thank you. Laser Spectra-scope is
now targeting the Nexus of Sominus.

Targeting is in process.

Come on, Philsey!
Hit it harder! Way to go!

- Hurry up!
- The Neutron Disintegrator...

was developed for the Army
until he cost overance became...

- really embarrassing to the...
- Can it stop Jenning?

Theoretically, yes, unfortunately
it's never been tested.

Attention, all personnel,
please, leave the station...

while laser doors are opening.

Please, leave machine
while spectra-scope extension.

Target is now locked.
Target is now locked.

Is this like a stick-shift
or automatic?

Well, Howard, you have to get into
firing range without him seeing you!

Right. I'll sneak up on him
and then I'll blast him!

Do you wish to bring
the laser to full power?

Dr. Jenning, I repeat...

do you wish to bring
the laser to full power?

Thank you.

- What's this do?
- No, Howard, don't...

Howard!

- You're in big trouble now!
- Shut up!

Run, Howard!
He's in a bad mood!

Come on, Philsey, move!
Let's crank her up!

- Hurry!
- Where's that button?

It won't start!

Oh, my God!

- Watch out!
- Jump, Howard!

- This is our only chance!
- Get outta there.

- Duck!
- And proud of it!

Philsey, you saved my life!
Are you all right?

- Terrific, Howard.
- It still won't start!

- Try the seat belt, Howard.
- Seat belt?

Whatsabe misua.

You little pond hopper.

Go, Howard, go!

Talk about bad breath!

Turn off the eyes!

Now it's my turn.

Dark Over Lord, I want you!

Prepare to eat beak!

So long sucker!

Howard!

No!

Howard?

Howard?

- Oh, boy!
- Howard?

- Howard!
- You all right?

I need this like
I need another tail!

- You did it!
- Get me down from here!

Come on!

- Dr. Jenning?
- Howard, it's not...

It's not what?

The devil's not
inside me any more.

The explosion must have
released it and it's loose!

- What about me?
- The Dark Over Lord is still here.

Well then, I suggest we get Beverly
and get the hell outta here!

Philsey, get her
down from there!

- What took you so long?
- Nothing. Just got arrested...

shot at, handcuffed,
I got thrown out of an airplane!

Guys?

His tongue with
a cigarette lighter!

Cigarette lighter?
That's really disgusting!

- Guys?
- What?

Oh, my God!

Phil, Phil.
Get up! Get up!

- It's coming!
- It's coming! I was just resting.

Look!

Good boy, stay back! Stay back.
Oh, boy!

Howard!

There goes Howard!
We've gotta help Howard, Phill!

What?
Yeah, gotta help Howard!

- Come on. Howard!
- Here we go!

- Going somewhere, Howard?
- No!

- There's no escape.
- Philsey! Dr. Jenning! Mother!

- Do you wish to active the laser?
- Yes.

Thank you, Dr. Jenning.

- He started the activation sequence.
- He's gonna bring down more of them.

You may fire when ready.

Four minutes to arrival.

Philsey, Beverly, anybody!
Help!

Three minutes, thirty seconds
to arrival.

Howard!
Here!

All right!
Like salami!

Did you lose something?

Alien specimens are arriving
laboratory in three minutes.

All right!

Eat claw, Duck!

- Two minutes to arrival.
- Belt, box, trigger!

One minute,
thirty seconds to arrival.

You little duck!

- One minute to arrival.
- Howard!

There's more coming down.

The machine, Howard.
You've got to destroy it!

- Blast it.
- Get them!

No, Howard, don't!
You'll never get home.

- Thirty seconds to arrival.
- Get them!

Goodbye, Duck World.
Get outta there. Run!

Ten seconds
and counting to arrival.

Over here!

Ten, nine, eight, seven,
six, five, four, three, two...

one, arrival.

Howard!

No!

I don't know where you are now,
but I hope you're happier there.

This world didn't threat you very
good, but you saved it, didn't you?

- Howard?
- I am not Howard anymore.

Geez, all this smoke,
it's murder on the sinuses.

Fooled you, didn't I?

- Howard.
- It's all right, Toots.

Well, all right, I'd like to dedicate
this song to our new manager.

Go!

All right, that's mechanical.
We're gonna release the big wave-0.

Cue as ready.
Cue and go!

- Howard, Howard.
- Yeah?

Help me out!
Release that rope there!

Gotcha.

- Not that one!
- Philsey, what's going on?

Get me down from here!
I've done enough flying.

Philsey!

Philsey, do you realize I could
have been killed up there?

- What's this?
- Rock and Roll!

Right!
Give me four.

Big, big, baby.

Is that hot enough for you?

Hit a purple "A" for you all.

Do it!

That's me!

Thank you! Thank you!
We love you.

Howard, Howard,
Howard, Howard!

We love you!

Not bad for a duck
from outer space.

You were great, Ducky.