Original subtitles

Dibs

Like all laws of the jungle, dibs

is something that man is born to innately uphold

and abide by.

And there was no beast more cunning in the dibs-calling arts than my brother, Mike.

His cat-like reflexes were fierce,

cunning and unapologetic.

And like any animal sitting at the top of a food chain

the nature of their very existence is founded upon maintaining dominance

MIKE CALLS DIBS

and that was Mike Hickey.

A jungle beast in a man-child's body who would never,

ever move out of our house, and who had dibs

on everything from Oak Park to Iowa.

Such as...

the remote,

the good spot on the couch,

Shotgun.

MIKE ALL TIME DIBS!!!

The biggest slice of pizza

the last slice of pizza

the end pieces of the meatloaf

the rest

of the meatloaf

the first shower

What the...

Really?

To this day I don't feel clean unless the water is ice cold.

and Mike's crowning achievement

Merry Christmas

Dibs

It'll be in my room, if you want to use it.

I'd done the math

and literally the only thing in my entire universe

that Mike hadn't called some form of dibs on was the basement

- Geargh!

and there was a good reason for that.

It's not finished yet

Mom's eye-roll explains it all.

The Hickey basement was so far from ever being finished

that Mike didn't even think to have future dibs on it,

which was definitely a thing.

What? I just need to paint and varnish the rest of the room

so that it matches the Ditka corner.

Once I do that,

- that's... - That's that, yeah

never heard that before.

She'd heard that before.

PLAY BY PLAY

You're adopted.

You've been wearing the same clothes for 4 days.

This is my varsity robe, I'm supposed to wear it every day.

You graduated two years ago.

Exactly, I'm retired and when you retire you wear a robe.

A robe with your varsity letters on it?

What else would I do, be the guy who still wears his high school football jacket?

I'm not a dork, Pete.

Your face is a dork

What did you just say to me?

No

Say you have no penis!

You have no penis.

- Say "I, Pete Hickey, have no penis". - No

Just say it

God dammit!

Nice going, Pete

This would never have happened if you just admitted you had no penis.

Hey Steve, hun

how much does a TV run for these days?

How much does it cost for new kids?

Actually I don't care grab the checkbook, we're buying two

TVs

That's that

basement's finished.

The frozen silence punctuated the moment like a whisper from God

telling me that this was my moment for the taking

and take I did.

Dibs

It was magical.

Now I understood how Jordan felt when the ball

was midair and he already knew it was nothing but net.

Oh, God

Oh, no

I have dibs.

Who invited Martha Stewart?

I called dibs.

Ask me if I care.

Ask me if I care.

- Do you care? - No

Also that Refrigerator Perry GI Joe over there is mine.

No, it's not.

Well you got it with a proof of purchase from a GI Joe

I bought, Shipwreck if I remember, so technically I paid for it.

Fine

That Fridge GI Joe is still sitting on a bookshelf in his house as we speak.

Now, will you leave, please

Why would I do that?

'Cause I called dibs!

Pete, getting dibs is like getting a flag on a play and having to repeat that down

You may have scored, but it doesn't count.

Now get out of here, Tina DiTomasso is coming over soon

and word on the street is she likes to repeat fourth down all night.

Okay, well were you at least thinking about changing out of that

disgusting robe before you fourth-downed her

No wonder you don't have a girlfriend

you know nothing of women.

Now leave.

No.

What?

That basement is not representative of my vision, Clare.

I didn't even put up the crown molding yet.

You know everyone calls you the dyslexic Bob Vila, right?

Who says that?

- Everyone did. - Everyone does.

Vila, that hack?!

- That doesn't make any sense. - Hun.

What do you hear right now?

- I don't know. - Exactly.

You have forgotten what silence sounds like.

So you can either find a new project to never finish

or you can sit down and watch my show with me

and enjoy this silence thing everyone's been talking about.

NPYD Blue

It's NYPD Blue

Crap, maybe I am dyslexic.

- Leave - No, I called dibs.

- Leave - No, I called dibs.

I can do this all night.

I don't care, I don't even like Poison anymore.

- That was not and never will be true.

Okay

What are you going to do down here that you can't do anywhere else?

- Write another fan letter to Marky Mark? - Hey

Rocco says that Mark Wahlberg has the charisma to become a major motion picture star.

Without the Funky Bunch? Yeah, right.

You know what, whatever, I'm going to go get Dad.

- "I'm going to go get Dad." No you're not. - Yea I am.

Why can't you just admit that you lost to me for once.

As you can see from the robe

I don't lose, I retire.

This family leaves all the losing to you.

- I can't remember if "Oh no, he didn't" was a thing yet in 1994

but that best sums up how I felt.

I'd had enough.

Nice going, idiot.

Look what you did!

Are we locked in?

No!!!

Tina!!

I may not have won the battle but I was winning the war.

I'd set up most of the basement to my liking

and with headphones on it was basically like Mike was upstairs.

Mom! Dad!

God.

Tina's going to be here soon.

I gotta Drakkar up.

That's Mike for, put on cologne.

Pete!

Get over here!

Your girlish squeal can carry a longer distance.

Is that the Snow CD I gave you for Christmas? That's mine!

Hey

Now help me or else.

Or else what?!

- Mike's patented silent fart. - Oh, wow.

Oh my God.

the QB sneak

He was so good at it that Coach Carfora himself made him a championship belt.

- I've got thousands of those. - You realize you just turned

the basement into a fart-lair right before you have a girl over?

I'll just show her the belt

chicks are always impressed by the belt.

Mom! Dad!

-Pete made me make him accidently break the door knob off cause he's a big baby!

Gracie?

Sweet fart-lair Toots McGee.

You've been down here the whole time?

Mom and Dad won't give me money for the video store,

so I'm hiding down here so they think I ran away.

- That's truly evil. - Yeah

Nicely done.

Actually Gracie I think you may be able to help us with something.

Do you know who Tina DiTomasso is?

Is she a little girl who died after her brothers pushed her out a basement window?

No, she's this super hot chick who...

- Repeats fourth down... all night

Like I said I've been down here the whole time.

We just need you to crawl through run inside and open the door for us.

- OK, 5 bucks. - You heard her, Pete.

Whatever

Thank you

Yes!

She's going straight to the video store, isn't she

Uh, yeah

No!

You hear something?

It's probably just the show.

I read somewhere that their sound design is Emmy-caliber.

- What's that? - It means they win a lot of awards.

This show wins awards?

Did you not just see the scene with Medavoy asking Donna's sister for advice.

I don't know the camera's so shaky I can't see a damn thing and it's real dark.

- I know, it's so gritty. - It's so unrealistic is what it is.

"Cops" looks nothing like this.

- Let's just watch "Cops" - Don't even try it.

- Where are you going? - All this farting has made me need to piss.

Oh look, all your laundry's in a nice convenient pile.

Hey, don't you piss on my clothes!

This is what you get, this is what you get wh...

Oh my God, there's a phone jack down here.

Oh my God

What are you doing?

I knew you never threw away your Full House lip phone.

Hey, that's not mine but just please be very gentle with it.

- Who are you trying to call? - Mom and Dad, duh.

It's busy

Must be on the phone with someone.

- They were not on the phone with anyone.

You see kids before smartphones everyone had this thing called a landline

and you only got one per household

and right now my brother is using that phone to call that phone.

Make sense? Good, it shouldn't.

Nothing but football plays up there, huh?

What are you going to do now?

- Piss in Dad's paint? - Nope.

You wish.

Actually if I can't Drakkar up,

I'm gunna have to make my own cologne and fast.

Now get over here dork, help me. You're good at science.

Okay, okay, okay.

Sorry bro, got the championship belt for farting 'em, not controlling 'em.

- Oh, wow. - You'll survive

- See, it's pretty good, huh? - Yeah

that Smits is one hell of an actor.

I mean he's no Dennis Farina in "Midnight Run" but

what the - guy butt - what channel is this?

Fast-forward it, Clare. Fast forward

Or how about we don't.

What you think Sipowicz's bare ass adds to the plot or something?

No, I've read a few articles in Entertainment Weekly that I would say yes

but really I just kind of like it.

You like that?

Yeah

He reminds me of you.

Really?

And that's a good thing?

Oh, I think so

Yea, I don't see it.

Steve

remember last week when you grabbed the pharmacist

by the collar because he tried to charge me a copay

I stand by my actions I'm not letting some fake doctor

- take advantage of my wife. Stupid lab-coat nerd. - Exactly.

And in that moment I thought to myself

That's just the kind of thing that Andy Sipowicz would do.

Oh, I see where this is going.

Hey you're good at math how long we been down here?

You realize that telling time isn't math, right?

These mothballs smell like cologne?

- Nope, no. - Oh, God

Mike had never offered me anything in my entire life.

Sometimes he'd give me a choice of which submission hold I'd like applied to me

but sharing something? Not a chance.

This was a huge moment for us.

Wait 'till you see this girl.

she totally wants it

and the best part...

she looks like Kelly from 90210

but dresses like Snoop Dogg.

- Woah - I know right

I mean I'll never say out of my league but

for the win...Jordan

Hey dibs on Jordan for the name of my first kid, by the way.

- But I thought you were naming your first kid The Fridge - No

Middle name. Jordan the Fridge Hickey

What's great about it is it works for a boy or a girl.

as I let the tart minty grossness

cut my gums and force my eyes closed I realized

that this is what a moment between two brothers was supposed to feel like.

We were strengthening our bond,

we were connecting as peers.

We were...

puking all over the floor.

God, are you serious, dude. Geez! Tina's going to be here any second

what the hell's wrong with you.

It's not like I meant to swallow it, I've never done it before.

Freaking Dick Leg.

What'd you just call me?

You heard me, Dick Leg.

I guess I should expect JV moves from a JV Dick Leg.

Don't call me that.

What? JV Dick Leg

Look, it's not my fault

- OK, I made the first kick. - Yeah

the one that didn't count.

- You know, what's you problem? - I'm related to you, that's what.

You suck at everything.

Clean up your stupid puke before my girlfriend gets here.

Dude, she's not coming

I mean look at you

All your friends are off at college but here you are

clearly getting stood up by some Berwyn chick

wearing the same stupid robe

and arguing with your little brother over who called dibs on the basement.

I mean if that is not the definition of loser then I don't know what is.

First of all once you're in college no one calls it college, okay, they say school.

And second...

See.

I bet that's her, calling to let me know she got caught

up trying to figure out what to wear.

Happens to me all the time, bro.

Hello?

Oh, hey Tina.

No, no need to apologize.

Just know that with Mike Hickey

you can never go wrong with Girbaud jeans of any color.

No, no, that's fine.

No, that's not a problem at all.

Yeah

I called Mike a loser every day of my childhood

but in all that time I'd never actually seen him lose.

It was hard to watch.

Especially since growing up he was just this thing that scored

touchdowns and ate all our food.

Cool

I never thought about him having dreams

or fears or feelings at all for that matter.

Goodbye

But when he hung up my Full House lip phone

for the first time, I saw he was a kid

just like me.

And even though I didn't exactly

know what being there for someone meant

I was there for him

in our own way.

Sipowicz, you are outta line

I'm gunna need you to turn in your badge and gun.

This family is weird.

It's open

I'll take the blame for the puke.

Really?

Thanks.

- I really appreciate that. - Don't mention it.

I'm still blaming the piss on you, it's everywhere

Oh and Puckett hits that one all the way to the Blockbuster

parking lot folks.

- I let you hit that. - Sure, you did.

- I did. - Uh huh.

- Uh huh. - Throw another one.

- Oh, really? - Throw another one, let's see.

Strike.

- Oh, oh, oh, make it, make it, make it. - God damnit.