Original subtitles

Most athletes spend their entire careers perfecting their craft

before they're ever lucky enough to be given a nickname.

Generally speaking it takes a sustained period of success

before a fanbase will band together and collectively

decide to endow a player with his own personalized moniker.

For me, it took less than a week.

What's up, Dick Leg.

Hickey Dick Leg.

A single missed field goal and that's what they came up with.

Although, to be fair, it wasn't even one of the laziest nicknames at Roman's that year.

JAWS

KENNY G

BOB HORMONE PROBLEM

Nevertheless, I was now Dick Leg

in nearly every social circle at school.

Yo, Dick Leg -

Okay, every social circle.

you're just in time, check it out.

What is that?

Breath spray, son. My new get rich plan.

Okay, St. Roman's has girls for the first time, right?

Uh, yeah.

That means none of these older guys know how to deal with them.

So I'm buying up all the breath spray in town and selling it to them at cruelously inflated prices.

That's great.

It'd been four days since Alex touched my arm

and I still couldn't stop thinking about her.

Everything she did was beautiful.

Wow

Hey!

You want in on this or what?

Sorry I can't, I got a newspaper meeting.

Alex invited me, remember?

In that case, can I interest you in some...

breath spray! For the low, low price of $45?

I'm still trying to figure out what the market will bear. - Yeah

- Just a reminder that this morning's cheer practice has been moved to the south gymnasium.

Hey

Pete, hi! Glad you showed.

Glad you showed...too.

- Attaboy, that was basically a sentence.

How was your weekend?

Oh, uh, not great, I mean pretty boring if I'm being honest.

- Yes, way to sell yourself.

You know my brother put a bunch of my underpants in the freezer, so...

spent a lot of time just thawing those out.

- You moron.

How was your weekend?

Well I didn't have any underwear to thaw out or anything.

- Oh my God, she said underwear - I mean,

I guess I just watched some TV.

- and now she's touching my property.

Did you see Saturday Night Live?

On Saturday?

Yeah, yeah...That's usually when it's on.

Right, sorry.

I'm kidding. I love that show.

You do?

I do too.

What was your favorite sketch?

Oh, I don't know I guess I didn't have on this week.

I didn't have one either.

- Clearly we were dealing with some kind of destiny situation here.

Good morning future journalists of America.

I'm obligated to say that per the school charter.

Trust me I don't feel good about it, either.

I see we have a new face which is weird considering how bad our last issue was.

What's the name kid?

Pete Hickey

And what compelled you to join our little periodical,

was it the slew of grammatical errors and typos

or was it Johnson's thinkpiece on the school store?

It's a microcosm of America.

It's a place to buy pencils.

You're a fascist.

He just learned what that word means. Anyway, can you write 300 words on the boys soccer team?

- Uh, yeah, sure. - Great.

The school wants more kids at the game, so that's your angle.

Alex you have girls volleyball, Johnson I want you... - Actually.

Sorry, um

I was wondering, like four days ago

Alex said something about us working on something together

I didn't know if that was still a possibility.

Don't push your luck, Dick Leg.

All right who wants to do a story on the school's lunch menu?

- Lunch menu is a vehicle for nutritional repression. - Give it a rest Johnson.

PETE IZ NEAT

"Neat", Rocco.

"Pete is neat" Exclamation point.

It's like the universe is telling us we were meant to be together.

Oh, man you're losing her bro.

Listen, I probably shouldn't be telling you this,

but I spoke to her friend Pissy.

And?

Word is, Justin is out of the picture

Alex is single again.

Yes!!

I knew it was a sign!

Let's not go falling in love just yet.

I'm not in love. I don't even know if me and Alex believe in the concept of love.

Listen if you really do like this girl

you better act fast. The guys here still don't know what they're doing,

but that's not going to last forever.

St. Roman's is like a zombie apocalypse right now.

At the beginning no one knows what to do

but eventually everyone learns the rules of survival.

OK, so...

Wait, what are you saying?

Two things. One, I think zombie movies are way overdue for a comeback.

Two, you gotta ask Alex out like right now

before everyone learns how to do it.

I don't know if I could.

You sure about that?

Look.

- It's already happening, better gear up.

- That'll be $27.

I had exactly 12 hours to figure out how to ask Alex out.

It would require a crash course in high school relationships.

Wait, so all these kids went to the same high school together

and now they're all going to the same college, too?

90210 is not about logic Peter,

it's a commentary on modern society, it deals with real issues.

Like what kind of gas to use in your yellow Mustang convertible?

Well yeah, that is a big issue for Brandon.

He works hard waiting tables at the Peach Pit to pay for it.

Why do girls like this guy so much?

Are you kidding me?

The sunglasses, the sideburns, the cool belt, the classic Mustang

the billowy shirt, the porcelain skin, his ability to lecture without sounding condescending.

- Good morning sports fans

if you just joining us we're here witnessing Pete Hickey's

first attempt at asking out a member of the opposite sex.

Here to join me is a man who knows a little something about high school romance

former teen heartthrob Jason Priestley.

- Hey Pete, thanks for having me.

- My pleasure

and my apologies for blatantly ripping off your signature style.

- Oh hey, I get it man, I was crushing it back in '94.

- Oh, and it looks like he's chickening out at the last minute.

- Oh, I gotta be honest with you Pete, that was a real Luke Perry move right there.

- Oh, wait a minute,

looks like he's going to give it another shot.

So, Jason Priestley,

what would Brandon have done in this situation?

- Honestly Pete? I probably would have just lectured her without sounding condescending

then I would have taken her for a ride in my cherry Mustang.

- Wow, I'm not going to lie,

you're kind of turning me on.

- OK

You'll just walk up to her and ask her out.

Maybe you could take her to Dairy Queen treat her to a nice blizzard.

Now that would be romantic. Some nice, ice cold

- What's up Pete? - Blizzards.

What?

Um... A...

I was wondering if there'd be any blizzards this year, you know

in the winter, you know

when blizzards happen.

OK, is that your mom's shirt?

Maybe, it...

Why are you wearing sunglasses inside? I, you know what, I don't even know, it was just an idea.

You know what, I...probably because, you know, my belt was really tight.

Hey Alex, I was wondering if I could ask you something.

Actually there's something I want to talk to you about too.

- Really? - Yeah, I was wondering if maybe

I could write that soccer article with you

Yeah... Yeah that would... Yeah

Okay, cool cuz I have a really good angle on this story.

- That's... - Hey Alex, you coming, babe?

Cool well I'll talk to you later.

- Ouch, that's gotta hurt.

- You said it Jason Priestley

when we come back highlights of Pete softly crying in a bathroom stall.

- Well, at least he's got a cool belt.

So...how'd you get into soccer?

Well, actually, my dad died.

He really loved soccer,

so I pretty much made the decision in his honor.

Nice thing is, it's

actually been a really good outlet for me.

Oh, OK. Dead Dad, soccer, super inspirational, I think I got it.

I scored two goals last game.

One was off a header.

Boy, that orphan kid sure is a chatterbox, isn't he

What are you guys talking about?

I was just telling Alex my philosophies on sports and life.

Were you now?

Yeah, and how they really mirror each other, because sports and life are just so similar you know.

- Oh my God, that's so true - Is it?

Because people typically think of sports as an escape from life but

You know

Well, that's the beauty of this world kid,

is that truth is wherever you decide to look.

- And I'm looking at an idiot.

So uh...are you two back together? I thought you two broke up.

No we didn't break up, who told you that?

Pissy

Pissy? The kid who climbs trees and rollerblades?

Yeah. Glad to know things are going great between you and the Jay-man.

Oh, thanks!

Yeah, and speaking of...I thought I'd be able to write this article with an

unbiased opinion, but Justin is just so amazing

are you cool with finishing on your own?

Yeah... awesome.

Hey babe!

Pete's going to write the article on his own now.

Oh, cool.

I'm a lone wolf too. Plus when you think about it,

what is writing anyway?

How do I compete with this guy?

He has a car, he makes necklaces.

- You're not seeing the big picture here

you have all the power in this situation.

- What do you mean? - I mean you're the one holding the pen.

Hey, I'm on the phone here.

Get off, I'm calling a chick.

Well, I'm talking to Rocco.

I said, I'm calling a chick.

- Mike! - Lisa Dombrowski

Miss Illinois contestant 1992. You got 25 seconds.

This is the perfect situation. You're writing an article on this guy.

You can shape the public's perception of him

you can take him down if you want.

How?

Everyone has a skeleton in their closet,

we just got to find his.

10-9-8-7-6 - Don't worry. I'll break into his locker at lunch, we'll have dirt on him by noon. - That's it, I'm coming in there.

We got 5 minutes

Man, look at this stuff.

I know

Justin's even cooler than I thought.

Rusted Root

This guy's legit, man.

So what am I supposed to do?

I don't think there's anything you can do

the guy writes poems.

Alex is the world, Alex is a girl, question authority.

I hate to say it man,

but you're screwed.

- That night I found myself preparing

to write an original composition

for the first time in my life.

EVERYONE SHOULD COME WATCH THE

TO THE ST. ROMANS BOYS' SOCCER TEAM

- But I just couldn't get over that dumb look on Justin's face

and that stupid hemp necklace

and the way he called me brother

and the thought of Alex liking his stupid poetry.

And that's when it happened

that's when I made the decision

to let the world know how

I really felt about Justin Studdlo.

SOCCER IS A DUMB SPORT

JUSTIN STUDLO IS A MORON

- Before long the words were pouring out of me.

I was in a kind of zone that I'd never experienced on the playing field.

The sentences came quickly with surgical precision.

Each one built upon the last, eloquently painting

a portrait of the monster that I saw in my head.

Smelling like a Russian prostitute

who drive a patchouli truck into a...

into a Lunchables factory.

Yeah

- For once I was in charge

And it felt great.

By the time I wrote Justin's hair

looked like the ratty anus fur of a diseased wooly mammoth

I knew there was no turning back.

I was changed.

A creative reservoir had been tapped inside of me

and it would never be plugged again.

Pete, great article man.

I'm sorry I used that hurtful nickname to describe you earlier,

it was really insensitive of me.

well, uh, as long as you learned your lesson.

I know you wrote a bunch of lies about me Pete

but the truth is, you're right

I don't deserve Alex.

So, just do me a favor

treat her right,

OK, brother?

You got it,

Justin.

Can I have your attention, please.

Justin Studlo is hereby expelled from school

for no particular reason.

Other than he just comes off as so unlikable

In Pete Hickey's fabulous article

about the boys soccer team.

- Sounds reasonable - Yea

So long everybody.

Pete

Alex

I just wanted to thank you

for shining a light on all of Justin's many negative qualities that

I was blind to previously.

But he didn't deserve me and I know that now.

Also, I would love to get a DQ Blizzard with you sometime

my treat.

Now kiss me. I know you'll be wonderful at it even though you've never done it before.

Damn, right I will.

Pete

Pete

Pete!

Is that it, the soccer article?

That's it

the one that changes everything.

It's not so much a drum circle,

it's like a drum family, you know.

Hey Pete!

Oh, hey what's up?

I'm really looking forward to that article, brother.

Yeah, it's gunna be a real page-turner.

Oh, heck yeah.

Alex seems to think you'll have a real interesting take on the whole thing.

- Oh, really? - Yeah

Hey, you think you could get me a few extra copies when it comes out

for my family?

especially my Grandma she's in the hospital right now

it could really cheer her up,

you know before she dies.

There were a lot of sleepless nights my freshman year

but that night

was one of the worst.

Justin are you okay?

How could I be

after what you did to me?

Oh my God, I'm so sorry. I...I didn't realize it would be so hurtful.

You think this looks like anus fur?

No, no, I just sort of said it...

How could you sink so low?

I thought you were better than this Pete Hickey.

I can explain...

- why don't you save your explanations for her.

Why? Why would you do such a thing to my grandson.

You killed me

I'm dead now.

Hickey Dick Leg

I'm sorry

I'm sorry, I didn't mean for this to happen. This wasn't supposed to happen

Hey Pete, I'll see you in Newspaper Club, right?

Did you read the article yet?

Which article, yours? No, not yet.

Hey, um...

I don't think I'm going to be doing the paper anymore.

Why not, what happened?

I just...

I just don't think it's for me.

It was nice knowing you.

- It was time to face the music

I had ruined a boy's life,

the least I could do was force myself to look at what I'd done.

To read it again

all of it

every awful unfair sentence.

Sentences like...

More fans should go to St Roman boys soccer games.

They are great.

The forwards are Dan Mitchell, Paul Hikila

Joe Mi...

What?

Of course I didn't print it, dumb-ass.

I asked for 300 words on the boys soccer team

you gave me a five-page Ribfest.

It was completely unethical and I think you need to see a therapist.

Yeah

You're probably right.

hey, hey, yo, but listen

just because I couldn't print any of that garbage

doesn't mean it wasn't good.

It was actually some of the best writing I've read all year

- Really? - Yeah, you've got something there.

Most writers are messed up in the head anyway so

I hope you stick with it, Dick Leg.

Thanks

Oh, you're friends with that are Rocco kid, right?

Oh, yeah, yeah

You think you could hook me up with some of that breath spray...the, you know

- So maybe I hadn't done exactly what I'd set out to do.

I didn't get a date with Alex

and I didn't take down her boyfriend.

I didn't even write the article in the paper that had my name on it.

but I realized something back then.

I realized that sometimes it's not the things directly in front of you

that have the biggest impact.

So, you decided to come back

- Yeah - I'm glad

Me too.

- Sometimes when you're busy seeking out one passion

you can accidentally discover another.

Alright you journalistic Thebes

this week's issue

Johnson - student council elections

Hickey - girls bowling

- I was a sports writer now

and one way or another

I was going to make it work for me.

- Wow, what a great ending.

I can't wait to see what happens next.

- You and me both, Jason Priestley

- You can just call me Jason you know

- Got it, right.

- You're so cool. - Yeah,

I know