Original subtitles

- Do you believe her hair? - She's entering the contest.

She says that every year!

Hey! Lunch break's 45 minutes.

I got my eye on you!

Lookin' good!

- Entrez-vous. - Hi, Miss Blue. Mr Drapper.

Why, Carnelle! What a coincidence.

Benjamin was just sittin' rhapsodising about your cousin, Elain.

She's accepted our invitation to speak at this year's contest.

Her speech is entitled "My Life as a Beauty!"

Yes, I know. Isn't it grand?

But I'd...I'd like to register as a contestant...for the contest.

- You would? - Yes, sir.

Carnelle, this contest requires a great deal of preparation.

It takes an enormous amount of skill just to develop a talent act.

I've been working on my talent act for the last five years. It's very polished.

- I simply do not have the time. - Well, could you recommend someone to me I could hire?

I really do require some expert assistance.

Well, I suppose you could try that Popeye girl I've just hired to help with alterations.

She lives down by the river.

Oh, my!

- So, will you be able to make my patriotic suit for the talent contest? - I 'spect so.

Well, then, the job is yours.

- Thank you! - You're welcome. I'm gonna need this outfit right away. I hope you can work quickly.

Oh, sure. I've been making clothes practically all my life.

- I started out when I was four years old. I used to make outfits for the bullfrogs in the yard. - Ugh!

Yeah, funny lookin' creatures, ain't they?

I'd dress 'em up and sell 'em as pets. They make nice pets.

I hope you don't think I'm ugly like some dumb bullfrog.

- No, I don't. - Well, of course you don't.

I was just joking.

- So long! - Bye.

KNOCKING ON GLASS

Hey, Mac Sam.

Well, wonders never do quite cease.

Well, now... Mmmm! You look good. Your hair looks nice.

It doesn't seem too loud?

Not a bit, sugar. Not a bit.

I...I changed it for the contest.

I'm registered to be a contestant for Miss Firecracker.

- Hell, that's great! That's great! - Thank you.

I got the three postcards you sent me. One from Milwaukee,

one from Jacksonhall, one from Kanoga Park.

- You must go all over. - Well, I do work the carnival.

- So...you're doing OK? - Oh, sure. - Yeah?

- Well, I kinda got fired today. - Oh, yeah? What job? - Catfish farm.

- Well, hell ! You won't miss it much! - No, I sure won't.

- HACKING COUGH - You still got that cough? Didn't you go see a doctor?

Relax, honey, relax. This life of mine's strictly on the house.

Strictly a free roll of the eternal dice.

Listen, I was almost strangled by my mama's umbilical cord. This is true.

I spent...three days all purple and gasping for breath.

- Now I'm tired of gasping. - No, you're not. Don't say that.

Hell, no... I still like gasping at you, baby.

- You make me gasp real hard. - I do? - You sure do.

You make me want to throw you around.

Come on, now. Come on, let's go for a whirl, huh?

PHONE RINGS

- Hello? - Carnelle? - Oh! Oh, Elain!

Listen, honey, I just wanted you to know I'll be there sooner than I thought.

I'm in heaven! And...please...don't forget to bring your red dress.

I don't really think that old thing's what you want.

Oh, please, Elain! I have to have it. It's exactly perfect.

An' I'll make sure to have plenty of Cokes and cocoa and Red Hots.

No, it was Delmount who always preferred Red Hots. I prefer lemon drops.

Of course, I forgot. I'll get both and hope Delmount returns home, too.

No. No-one's heard a word since he was released.

I sure wish we knew where he was. I'm concerned about him.

Well, I'm sure he's scraping by somehow.

TRUCK HORN

Yeah, that's a pulverized one all right. That's a big dog! >

Come on, move your butt, Delmount.

Let's go, let's go!

Busy day, busy day... Another big carcass.

Move your butt, jughead!

Hey! Take that shovel an' scrape up that dog!

Scape up that goddamned dog!

No! I'm tired of hiding from my philosophical calling! I have resources! Destiny is mine!

God, you're full of crap, kid. You got nothin'!

Aunt Ronelle would just love this.

I often told her how I should move myself up... Move myself up to Memphis and become a model.

- You live with your auntie? - No, she died. She had cancer.

What she had was this cancer of the pituitary gland, I believe.

So they replaced her gland with the gland of a monkey.

- They did, in fact, keep her alive for a month longer. - That's good.

Of course, there were such dreadful side-effects.

She started growing long, black hairs all over her body just like...just like an ape.

- Gracious Lord! - Are you about done? - Mostly.

There!

Done.

Uhhhh! And kick and kick and kick!

Dead. Dead. Both dead.

Seems like people have been dying practically all my life.

My mama, when I was barely a year.

Then my daddy couldn't stand me any longer, so he dropped dead.

Then I got sent to live with Aunt Ronelle, Uncle George

and Elain and Delmount.

My cousin Delmount is wi-i-ild!

Anyhow, we're happy up until the time

Uncle George is running to the ice-cream truck and he drops dead.

I had a brother was bit by a water-moccasin and HE died.

Well, they say we're all gonna die someday. I believe it, too.

- CAR HORN - Carnelle! Carnelle, honey!

Elain! It's Elain!

Elain!

Why, hello, my little carnation.

- Oh, you really did dye your hair, didn't you? - Don't you like it?

Well, it's just as red as it can be. Would you help me with these bags?

Of course, of course!

Oh, Elain... did you bring the red dress?

- So you actually did enter the contest? - Yes, I did. It's the last year of my eligibility.

Next year I'll be over the age limit.

Course, I don't expect to win like you did.

You were crowned in that red dress.

Oh, I forgot to tell you...

You know what, Carnelle, it really is good to be... Waahh!

Elain, this is my friend, Popeye Jackson. Popeye, this is my cousin, Elain Rutledge.

- So nice to meet you. - Popeye's going to be sewing my costume for the talent section.

Elain's lending me the beautiful red dress for the opening parade.

Oh, listen, honey... I thought you weren't going to need a formal dress for the auditions.

Yes, that's true. We need them for the actual contest.

Well, I thought we'd wait and see if you make it to the contest and then send for the dress.

Excuse me...

KNOCK ON DOOR

Enter, please.

Hi, I brought you up some hot cocoa and lemon drops. Your favourite.

How dear!

Carnelle, look over on the dresser. I have a little rememberance I brought for you.

What? Ohh, really?

You shouldn't have.

I just thought of you when I saw it.

How elegant!

Aren't I elegant?

Oh, Elain, you're perfectly perfect!

Now, I know you're a little worried about me being in the contest.

- No. - You might think I've ruined my chances cos of my reputation.

Oh, I don't know what you mean. You're perfectly sweet.

It's just that everything's different now. I go to church now.

An' I take an orphan home to tea once a week. People aren't calling me Miss Hot Tamale any more.

Listen, Carnelle, I have some important information to impart.

- I'm not just here on a visit. - You're not?

No...I've left Franklin.

What? I can't believe it!

- This is a secret. Not a soul is to find out. - I won't breathe a word!

You see, I haven't told Franklin yet.

He still believes things are bearable between us.

Gosh!

Aunt Ronelle said you had it all up there in Atlanta. Everything. Just like a queen in a castle.

I know. I did.

I only hope I can stand to give it all up.

We have such beautiful clocks.

Lemon drops first.

CHURCH BELL RINGS

What a pleasure to see you!

So nice to see you, Benjamin.

I must... I don't know how... Oh, my tongue is tied.

- That happens to me. - Let me introduce Reverend Mann.

This is Elain Rutledge.

I'm happy to make your acquaintance.

I'm so happy to meet you, Reverend.

This is my assistant. He's going to be helping us at the pageant.

- It's an honour. - Bless your heart. Oh, yo' all know Carnelle?

< Sure. We all know Carnelle. Elain, we've got a lovely pew...

KNOCK AT DOOR

LOUDER KNOCKING

Carnelle! Woah-ho! Carnelle! It's me!

- Hi...is Carnelle home? - No, she's not. - I'm Popeye Jackson. - Yeah?

I wasn't born with that name.

Actually, what happened was my brother threw a handful of gravel in my eyes an' it was stinging,

an' then he gave me this bottle, telling me it was drops for the eyes

when it was drops for the ears!

It made me scream out and cry like the devil!

So I got me some glasses an' they made my eyes bulge out a little bit. So folks called me Popeye.

That's how I got that name.

It's a very tragic tale.

Oh, no. Actually, the fortunate part of it is I can now hear voices through my eyes.

- Through your eyes? - Yeah, I hear 'em laughing and carrying on.

- I'm very busy, so please excuse me. - Oh...OK.

I'll call Franklin and have him send the red dress. That way I'll have it in case it needs altering.

- Why, Elain Rutledge! What are you doin' back in town? - Why, Clara Archer!

What a surprise. I'll talk to her.

Come over here an' kiss my new baby. This is Willie. This is Elain.

- How many does that make? - Seven!

It is so good to see you!

CUTLERY BANGING

Ahhhhhh! Ahhhhh! Delmount!

Oh, child. Look at you! What, are you tryin' to look like a bare-back rider in a carnival?

- You don't like it? - Carnelle!

- Clara Archer wants an autograph, so I guess... - Bitch!

Ah-h-h-h!

Delmount? What's the matter with you?!

- Are you still insane? - I'm not speaking to you!

DOOR SLAMS

- What is going on? What is it? - Don't ask ME!

No! She would never tell you that the beautiful, sweet, perfect Elain Rutledge

refused to get her brother out of a lunatic asylum!

- It was the MOST expensive money could buy! - What's wrong? Tell me!

They would have released me after two months to my next-of-kin, but SHE wouldn't have me!

- SHE wouldn't sign the papers! - We thought you needed professional help!

- Franklin thought... - Franklin! That troglodyte without a brain!

I'd like to paste that doughball!

Honestly! If it wasn't for Franklin, you'd be rotting away in a jail instead of that cheerful hospital!

You did hit a man with a broken bottle!

I challenged him to a duel. Broken bottles were the weapons!

SEE?! That is NOT reasonable behaviour. It is not! Just listen to you.

It's no wonder you have bad dreams. It's no wonder!

Rub my face in it, why don't you? Go ahead.

Rub my face right in it.

Damn you, Delmount. You always bring out the worst in me.

You always have!

JUKEBOX PLAYS

- Have you got a dime? - Here. Blow on it!

# When we kiss, my heart's on fire... #

Delmount!

# Burning with a strange desire. #

- Hi, Delmount! When did you get back? - Recently.

- Tessy sure has missed you. - I have not!

- She's always sayin' how cute your hair is. - She's a liar!

So...we heard you were over in Tallahassee. Was it exciting?

Tell us about it. Everything!

Please, don't make me treat you like dogs.

I don't wanna treat you like common dogs.

You brought us here! I've never been so embarrassed...

- I feel sorry for ugly girls. I really do. - Yeah?

Listen, little child of mine...

- about the house you're living in. - Yep?

Well, Mr JR Biggs has wanted the place since the death

of my mama, the monkey.

His grandfather built the atrocity an' he wants it back in the family.

But you wouldn't sell that house? You swore it!

- I need the money. - But me? I live in that house!

Where would I go? What would I do?

- I've never been alone... - Shut up. - I got no job... - Shut up or I'll break your neck!

I'm gonna give you half of whatever I make.

That way you can get out of this town for good.

- But I never thought about leaving Yazoo City. - Think about it.

There's never been anything here for you but misery and sorrow.

That's true, but I don't know...

If I could just win first prize, then I could leave this town in a blaze of glory.

Yeah.

HE CALLS OUT

Ssshhh! Wake up, you're havin' a bad dream. Dely! Come on, it's only a dream.

Come on, honey. It's OK, it's only a dream.

It was just a dream. It's only a dream, Dely...

Poor Dely... Ssshh!

BABBLE OF MANY VOICES

It doesn't matter if I win or lose. I still have God.

Caroline Jefferson sure is pretty.

Yeah, except for them yellow teeth!

Delmount, his hair is wild. W-I-L-D.

- Don't you think it's wild? - What? - An' his eyes are like a blue lightning bolt!

- Girls, girls! - Good luck, honey. Come on.

Remember, contestants, projection, poise, moral values

AND beauty are equally as important as talents.

I see a lot of pretty girls here today. A lot of hopeful faces.

But, remember, five of you - and ONLY five of you - will make it to the final pageant.

And only ONE of those five will be crowned Miss Firecracker.

Now, whoever wins that very coveted crown,

must somehow stand out above all the rest.

She must have that special Firecracker spark the judges will be looking for.

Then, and ONLY then, will victory be hers.

VOICES APPROACHING

Delmount, did Miss Blue call about the contest?

Carnelle, I told you 20 times, they will not call until later.

- They're adding it all up. - I know, but I'm just so fired up.

I'm gonna call Franklin and see about the red dress...

Carnelle! Franklin told you he would call when he found it!

- There is NO need to disturb him. - OK.

But I can see I'm gonna be needing it for the opening parade.

- Did she really do well? - I don't know.

I went out to get some air and I missed her act. That girl has been torturing my nerves!

Could you please get her out of here so I can get some peace?

Man, oh, man, the Biggs are rich! I hope she gives us a lot of money for our house. We need it.

Er, listen. I'll handle the rest of this transaction.

- You wait here. - Well... All right.

- I just hope him bein' dead don't screw things up. - Not in the least.

Excuse me, I'm here to see Mrs JR Biggs.

MUSICIANS PLAY CLASSICAL PIECE

Excuse me, I'm here to speak with Mrs JR Biggs about a matter of some importance.

I'm Mrs Biggs. But what is this intrusion?

I'm Delmount Williams. We spoke on the phone about the house.

Oh, yes. Of course. Ladies, please welcome Mr Williams.

He has offered to donate his quaint little house to our chapter of the Women's Historical Society.

Did you say "donate"?

- Wow! Carnelle Scott! - Ronnie Wayne, hi.

- What a coincidence. - What the hell are you doin' here?

Me an' my cousin are conducting some business with Mrs JR Biggs concerning our property.

Yeah?

Uh-huh.

So...um...you look different.

It's my hair. I coloured it red.

Yeah...yeah. I see.

Get out of here! OUT!

Carnelle! Carnelle, let's get outta here. These people are crazy!

- Did you actually believe I would buy that rat-ridden shack you call a house?! - Shut up.

Why, my husband's as crazy as you for even suggesting a proposition!

Inside! Go on!

- PHONE RINGS - I'll get it. I know it's for me.

Hello? Oh, Franklin...

Did you find the red dress? Oh, no. How awful. Have you searched everywhere?

Every, every, where?

Psst! Tell Franklin I thank him for the roses.

- He's really outdone himself this time. - Oh...OK.

Franklin, Elain thanks you for all the roses. I will... OK, bye-bye.

So...did anybody call?

Not a soul, I'm afraid.

OK. Franklin told me to tell you that he adores you and begs you to come home.

- Swine! Pus-head! - Oh, really, Delmount, you're insufferable.

Oh, my God, you look beautiful!

Just like a corpse!

Why not crawl back to your coffin! I knew it! You're not leaving him!

I meant it! I said it!

Y'know, all you want is for everyone to think you're perfect!

Well, at least I'm not destructive. What did you do over at Mrs Biggs? She practically had you arrested!

I didn't do anything to that emaciated crow!

- Huh, Mama always loved you ten times better than me. - Oh, God! Here we go!

PHONE RINGS

I guess I thought she would. Till the day she died people were saying she...

Hello?

Oh... Yes, he is. Would you like to talk to him? Just a minute...

- You shut up! - YOU shut up! - Delmount, it's for you.

Yes, this is Delmount Williams.

I beg your pardon?

Don't you threaten me!

I'll throw your eyeballs to the hounds, you stupid warthog!

- That was them, wasn't it? - Mrs Biggs' attorney castigating me. Goddamn those imbeciles!

- I'm selling this house if I have to give it away! - That's right. Mama left it to you an' only you.

- She left nothin' to me. - Aww(!) - I tried so hard to please her. - You tried too hard!

I despise you, you irresponsible dolt!

DOORBELL RINGS

- Hello... - It's the doorbell! - It's the orphan. - What orphan?

- Carnelle feeds an orphan. - Well, here it is. Look, I gotta fix the casserole...

Hell! What time were they supposed to have called by?

Six o'clock. It's after seven now.

- Good meal. - Excellent!

I guess I better start the dishes. Tuna noodle sticks to your plates.

PHONE RINGS

Hello? Oh...Ronnie.

Just fine.

No, I wouldn't... Cos I don't go drivin' around like that no more.

I'm a respectable person.

Don't you call me that.

Don't say that. I would not!

Why, I'd rather eat poison than spit on low-life scum like you! I hate all your guts! Goodbye!

- Wasn't Carnelle's casserole just delicious? - Mmm.

Listen, I guess it doesn't matter about not finding...

..not finding that red dress.

You should consider yourself lucky. That false pageantry's beneath you.

Yes...since it's been integrated,

the quality of the contest has gone down, down, down.

It's nothing but a garish display of painted-up prancing pigs. That's all there is to it.

Well...

the main thing is it was gonna be, I don't know, visible proof...

an' I would have like to have rode on a float and waved out to people.

Carnelle! All this is just gonna help build up your character.

Remember, the more Mama suffered, the more divine she became.

Good Lord in heavenly butter!

Remember how Uncle Willie dropped Carnelle off here with nothing but a pillowcase of dirty rags?

I never seen anything so pathetic. Ringworms in her hair!

An' remember that little yellow cap she wore pulled down over her head even in the summer's heat?

Mama told her people would think she just had short, yellow hair.

Mama was such a brilliant woman (!)

Well, from a distance, it did kinda look like that.

I do doubt it.

Anyway, she never did attain any self-esteem.

Had to sleep with every worthless soul to prove she was attractive.

MUSIC: "Cherry Pink And Apple Blossom White" by Eddie Calvert

I hate my hair! I hate it!

They didn't even want me. I'm a failure! I'm ugly!

My thighs are fat! No-one loves me!

PHONE RINGS

I'll get it!

- MUSIC BLARES - One moment, please... - I'll get it!

Hello? Yes, this is she.

What?

So sorry. No, I mean, how tragic.

What? Oh, yes, all right. Thank you. Bye-bye.

That was Miss Blue. Do you remember her dog, Spider?

- Er...the brown and white one? - Yes, yes.

Spider died, so Miss Blue was late in notifying the five finalists...

SHE MOUTHS

- My...my...my God! - What? - I...I made the pageant!

Oh, by God! I made the pageant.

I did it, I did it. I made it!

- MUZAK PLAYS - The photo session's about to begin.

'Let's see that Miss Firecracker sparkle. Relax, dears.'

Everyone, keep your necks long and proud. Now look beautiful.

Stand up, missy. Remember, when I count, suck and tuck.

We're so glad we can come to terms. Y'know, Susan set our last house on fire.

- I forgot to turn the beans off. - The house I've sold you has been drenched with fire repellent.

It's a virtual atom bomb shelter.

I know I'll beat Sally Chin cos she's a token Negro-Chinese.

I'm not bein' mean, it's the truth.

I am sweltering in this heat. Where in the world is Delmount?

- CAR HORN - Delmount!

- I have to get back to Miss Lilly's dress shop. - We'll drop you off.

No...I can't get in that car. Because...

Cos, see... Delmount makes my heart hot.

Look at it now. It's burning! I have to go.

It breaks my heart to give it up.

By the way, any article you see is for sale. I'll give you 10% off cos you're a nice couple.

- DRAWERS BEING EMPTIED - Like I said, it's a hardwood floor.

Would you excuse me a minute?

What the HELL are you doing?

Remember the red dress she wore?

- You are NOT clothing yourself in any garment that's been on her grotesquely hairy body! - Oh-h-h-h.

You're not going into that monkey's room!

She wasn't a real monkey. She was just furry for a human.

Carnelle!

- Carnelle! No... - No...no. This might work.

I need a red dress!

This won't do. This will not do.

- Popeye. - Hi. - I need a dress for the contest. A crimson dress.

- For Carnelle? - Obviously for Carnelle, obviously. - Let me help.

I'll show you around. We have some lovely things over here.

This one is a burgundy rather than a true red. We call it eggplant.

No, that's pink.

No, no, no.

Uh-huh...that one is a rose salmon. Anyway, it don't move.

An evenin' gown has to flow. It's gotta breathe, Delmount.

Oh... Well, does this breathe?

Do you think it's breathing?

I don't think it's breathin'. Besides, it's fuchsia - hot pink.

- This breathes... - Yes. - It's red. - Yes. - And it moves! - Yes, but it's not a dress, it's a fabric, Delmount!

Of course... Of course it's a fabric!

- This one won't do. - Won't do...won't do.

Delmount, there's a bunch over here that won't do...

Oh, Popeye...Popeye... It's all hopeless.

DOOR OPENS

- What's goin' on in here? - It's Delmount!

- What's HE doin' here? - My God, it's those horrible two!

Delmount!

Oh, what has happened?

- Popeye's gonna get in trouble. - I bet Miss Lilly's gonna fire her!

Well, it's red all right, it's red.

Oh...I'm going to need Popeye to do some sewing on this.

- Hey! HEY! - Can I help you?

- I'd like to look at the moon. - We ain't open for customers.

- I wouldn't BE a customer. - Um...OK.

Nothing's hopeless.

One of my most memorable experiences was being crowned Miss Firecracker.

An ambassadress of beauty.

It was a thrilling episode in our history, as the coveted crown was placed upon my head...

FAIRGROUND MUSIC

THEY SING FOLK SONG

We got it, we got it. Y-e-a-h! I got a winner!

I want that funny thing up there.

Gracious Lord, if I have another drop of lemonade, I'll probably turn right into a lemon!

Hey, Tamale, what's that falling off your hair?

Oh, look, now my hairpiece is falling off. I worked all morning on that.

- Is your sister nervous? - Not really. She knows she doesn't have a chance.

- What makes you say that? - She's humped-shouldered from practising that Johann Sebastian Bach. - Shame.

- Caroline Jefferson is a lovely girl. - Except for those yellow teeth.

I hear she took medicine as a child and it scraped her tooth enamel.

I don't think the judges are interested in sentimentality... just the teeth themselves. Come on!

You hold the mask over your face and keep your arm over the dress where the extra material is.

And...scoop.

And scoop.

And scoop.

And scoop...

- And scoop. - Flip out your wrist. Make it crisp. - And scoop.

You are getting it!

- It's been more than an honour to have served as Miss Firecracker... - Mahoney girl!

I wish many blessings on all of you...

- Have you seen Miss Rutledge? - Yes, she's fine.

- Well, where is she? - In Carnelle's dressing-room.

Thank you.

- Popeye? - Oh, hello. - Er, Carnelle, she was searching for you earlier. - She was?

Yeah, she needed your help to sew the red dress she found. She's been looking for you since last night.

Last night I was up at the old observatory.

- A man pointed right up at the moon, so I could take me a look at it. - Yeah? Hmm. How DID it look?

Big...orange... It was kinda shiny and sparkly.

- Sounds nice. - What? - Sounds nice.

It was!

You better...go.

OK, I can work on her dress.

- Er, Popeye, I heard you lost your job. - I was fired from it. - I'm very, very sorry.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, without further ado,

the lady of the magnolias - Miss Elain Rutledge!

LOUD APPLAUSE

Thank y'all.

Thanks...too much.

"A thing of beauty is a joy forever. It will never, ever pass into nothingness."

How aptly put by Mr John Keats back in 1818.

APPLAUSE

One of my most memorable experiences was being crowned Miss Firecracker,

an ambassadress of beauty to represent our fair city.

It was a thrilling episode in our history, as the coveted crown was placed upon my head

and I proudly led the parade as your queen.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you!

Oh, please!

It's all dreadful.

Did you see Carnelle dressed up in that big red thing?

Yeah! She's a knockout, ain't she?

In conclusion, wherever I have roamed,

New Orleans, Atlanta,

Baton Rouge, Jackson,

or Yazoo City...

MORE APPLAUSE

..I have deeply enjoyed my life as a beauty.

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

And now I'd like to present the wonderful man who presented me, Mr Benjamin Drapper!

WILD APPLAUSE

Hit it, boys!

'Now, here they are, the parade of Firecrackers!'

How she can put herself through this I'll never understand.

Women are funny about their looks.

My grandpapa used to say, "All you have to do is tell a woman you love her

"and she goes just like that."

- How pithy (!) - Yeah.

# Hey, hey, good-lookin'

# What you got cookin'?

# How's about cookin' something up with me? #

Hey, Hot Tamale, nice dress (!)

Oh, yeah (!) A little light thing.

Fortunately, I have yet to make advances to a woman who did not possess

at least one classically beautiful characteristic.

It's sort of a romantic notion I have.

Well...

What I like is a woman who can take it right slap on the chin.

Come on! We want to hear it for these girls. >

Oh, yeah. That's better. Let's hear it. Come on now. >

# I got a hot-rod Ford and a two dollar bill

# An' I know a spot right over the hill

# There's soda pop and the dance is free

# So come along with me... #

- < Give that dog a bone! - Boys, stop that! >

Oh-h-h-h! Oh, no! CROWD GASP

Oh-oh!

BAND STOP PLAYING

- Oh, God! - Oh-h-h.

Oh, Carnelle...!

OK, I'm OK. We're OK...

Oh, my! Oh, my!

- Honey, I'll clean you up. - It's a disgrace! A humiliation!

That horrible Ronnie Wayne is throwing peanuts, trash and ice right there on the stage!

- At her? He's throwing them at her? - Well, a peanut hit her right between the eyes!

He dies.

PLAYS BACH

Ronnie Wayne!

RONNIE WAYNE!

- You want more? - You're a looney tune! They should lock you up...

You want more? You want more, Ronnie Wayne?

CROWD SHOUT, PIANO CONTINUES

- It's all ruined! I'm destroyed! - No, you're not. - I don't think people noticed when you tripped.

CROWD SHOUT, PIANO CONTINUES

My teeth are grey! They look like a mule's teeth!

Wo-oah! I showed 'em all! Cold-blooded swine!

Delmount, my patience is running thin with this unruly behaviour.

I'll go an' get you some ice to put on your swelled-up leg.

- I'm gonna cry! - Don't worry, child o' mine, nobody's hurt.

- HACKING COUGH - You're making me sick! Sick!

SOUNDTRACK FROM "GONE WITH THE WIND"

SOBBING With God as my witness...

With God as my witness, they're not going to lick me!

If I have to lie, cheat, steal...kill.

With God as my witness,

I'm going to live through this!

And when it's all over, I'll never be hungry again.

Enter the infernal jaws of hell.

Ohh, he gonna burn up his throat!

- Ta-da! How was that, beautiful? - Wonderful? D'you know more?

- I can wiggle my ears! - Let me see.

All right.

- I don't see 'em wiggling. - Nope. They ain't wiggling.

Sure ain't.

Well, I gotta fly. So long, Popeye.

Take it easy, Dumbo.

Well, I have to go and help Carnelle. It's almost time for her routine.

Woah, that was Caroline Jefferson. Wasn't she magnificent?

- Now, our next contestant... - Thank you.

..will be Miss Sally Chin and her electrifying hula-hoops! Come on, Sally!

Carnelle, you're on next.

(I'm on next...I'm on next. I'm on next!)

- Carnelle... - I should have done a dramatic interpretation piece.

I LIKE your act.

The boys got your gun, I got your shiny jacket. Come on!

ROCK MUSIC TO ACCOMPANY ACT

Carnelle's on next.

I don't think I can watch it. She thinks she's tap-dancing.

She's just clomping around.

She wants to be beautiful without understanding the limitations.

Well, Carnelle will be going up to Memphis. Me in New Orleans. And you'll go wherever the winds blow.

- Delmount... - Don't worry, sweetie. You're free.

Finally gonna find out why you're alive (!)

Our final contestant in the talent section

is Miss Carnelle Scott.

Miss Scott will be performing a marching tap-dance routine to the Star Spangled Banner!

- Do I look OK ? - Just great! - Let's go.

MUSIC BEGINS

APPLAUSE

- Miss Elain Rutledge? - Hey, c'mere.

I'll take care of this.

Get outta here.

LOUD CHEER

MORE CHEERING

What a finish!

God bless America, God bless America!

THEY WHOOP WITH DELIGHT

Stupendous!

- Elain, did it really go well? Did it really? - Quick now, you change into your bathing-suit.

- Thank you, Elain! - Good luck! We'll be out there cheering you on.

What a hit! You were just like a firecracker!

Carnelle, it was fabulous.

Oh, man! She was SO beautiful. She was so fine.

"I'm so thrilled you'll be driving home to me this evening.

"Your adoring husband, Franklin."

You'd think that after you left me in that asylum, I'd know not to trust you.

Delmount, you don't understand.

I'm used to better things now.

My face creams, my clocks...

And he adores me.

'Miss Blue will accompany me in a little singing number,

'while our beauty contestants come out in their swimsuits. Hit it, boys!'

INTRODUCTION

# She was afraid to come out of the locker

# She was afraid that somebody would see...#

I think she'll make a perfect Miss Firecracker with her red hair.

# Two...three...four... Tell the people what she wore!

# It was an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow polka-dot bikini

# That she wore for the first time today... #

Beautiful!

# ..So in the locker she wanted to stay!

# Two...three...four... Stick around, we'll tell you more. #

Man parading his ridiculous pomposity down these pathetic streets,

cheering at his own inane self-grandeur.

# Guess there isn't any more Cha-cha-cha! #

Thank you, Betsy.

All right...OK...

All right, it's now time for the final crowning.

We have the winner right here in this envelope.

So say our judges. All right, here we go.

You girls ready? I don't think they're ready, do you? Yeah, they're ready.

Our fourth runner-up is...

God, I hope she comes in first. I swear, I hope she beats them all.

Come on, baby.

Come on, put your hands together, everybody. Come on, let's hear it...

Our first runner-up is Miss Joe Ann Jacobs.

Our new Miss Firecracker is Caroline Jefferson! Congratulations, Caroline!

WILD CHEERS

# She's Miss Firecracker

# Oh-h-h-h, let me tell you why

# She's Miss Firecracker

# Reigning queen now of July

# Well, she's young, she can't lose

# She takes away the blues

# She's Miss Firecracker She really likes my views!

# I said, she's young, she can't lose

# She takes away the blues

# She's Miss Firecracker She really likes my views! #

I don't know what you're worried about. It's a stupid contest!

If there was an ounce of justice in this world you wouldn't have come in fifth, you'd be in third place...

Well, anyway, it's the quality that matters...

I...I don't want to hear it.

I wanted to win that contest. I cared about it. It was important.

DRUM ROLL

Carnelle, you don't have to follow that float.

You come last, you follow the float. I took a chance and came in last,

so by God, I'M gonna follow THAT FLOAT !

WHISTLE BLOWS

BAND START PLAYING

CROWDS CHEER

- Hey, Red. - Mac Sam, dammit, I don't wanna be with anybody. - I'm with you.

Come on, beautiful, I'm lonely, too.

Delmount? I wanted to say goodbye before I departed this evening.

I don't understand you.

I look at you and I see you have this need to be excited by life.

Why do you always go running back to what Mama wanted you to do?

You know she was mean.

Yes, I know she was mean. Just like you know your dreams are bad.

- Still you can't change 'em, can't stop having 'em. - Yeah, I can.

- Last night I stopped having them. - Really, darling?

Yeah.

I dreamed I was on a lake...

..and it was snowing.

The stars turned all different colours.

- You did? You dreamed that? - Yeah.

It was nice.

Well, good. That's good then.

You're incredibly sweet.

Yeah, well, you always forgive me.

Be seein' you!

You know, I went lookin' for you right after the parade.

- Where d'you get off to? - Nowhere. Just out walking by the railroad tracks.

- What was you doin' down there? - Kicking rocks...thinking.

I thought maybe I was a victim of broken dreams. But, then, I thought maybe I wasn't.

I was tryin' so hard to belong all my life...

I don't know.

I just don't know what you can reasonably hope for in life.

- Not too damn much. - But something?

Yeah, sure.

There's always eternal grace.

It'd be nice.

Yeah...

- Popeye? - Hi. - Hi.

Er...hold this...

- I hear you're leaving Yazoo City. - I reckon so.

- I'm leaving, too. - Where are you going to?

I'm goin' to New Orleans, to university, learn philosophy.

That way, after I've studied, I'll let everyone know why we're living.

Be a great relief, I believe.

- Where are you going? - Well, I heard tell of this place named Elysian Fields.

- Elysian Fields? - Yeah.

They got this ambrosia, all you can eat. An' wine and honey to drink. And people carryin' on.

- Do you know what state it's in? - It ain't in a state. - It ain't?!

No, it ain't even in the world.

It's fictional, it's a made-up place. It's only in stories.

Oh, well... I guess I won't be goin' there.

Popeye, would you like...

You...er...probably weren't planning...

Oh, never mind. Bye.

- Popeye, would you like to watch the fireworks with me tonight? - Yes. - Good, then. Let's go.

God, you're beautiful.

I wouldn't trade them times we had, not for nothin'.

- Really? - Not for a golden monkey.

- COUGHING ATTACK - Are you all right?

Hell, no! I've got TB, alcoholics disease and rotten guts.

I'm havin' fun taking bets on which part of me is gonna decay first. The liver, the lungs, the stomach.

Or the brain.

You listen... Are you sure you don't want to go out juking with ol' Mac Sam?

Nah...I just need some rest.

You'd be tiring me out awful fast.

Goodbye, baby.

I'll always remember you as the one that could take it on the chin.

Goodbye, Mac Sam.

Goodnight.

SHE SINGS STAR SPANGLED BANNER

SHE SOBS

FRONT DOOR BANGS

DOOR CREAKS

Carnelle?

Carnelle, honey, are you home? We were worried about...

Well, I...I just knew it wouldn't do.

But, Elain, you carried it here. Why couldn't I use it?

Because it's mine.

Yeah...

An' I guess this is mine, but I'm not wearing it for the rest of my life.

Or this, either.

Here you go. Here's your dress.

Carnelle! Carnelle, where are you going?

To find some grace. Some eternal grace.

It's snowing!

What d'you say?

I said it's snowing.

I feel like my teeth gonna fall out of my head.

- Hey, you up there! You all right? - Yes, I am. I'm fine.

- Nice night, isn't it? - Yeah!

Oh, yeah... As nice as they come.

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