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Mel. Odie. Melodie.
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Hi, Andy.
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- Melodie's in my flat.
- What the hell are you doing up here?
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I don't know what to say to her.
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- Apologise to her for your wrongs.
- Yeah, but...
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- that's not cool.
- Whatever you decide,
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can you do it in your own time? I've got to catch up with my homework.
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Homework? It's summer!
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I'm taking a fantasy writing class.
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- Nerd.
- I'm not taking it for pleasure. I'm taking it
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cos you tell me that everything I write is very literal.
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- Nerd.
- At least I'd know what to say to Melodie.
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Melodie!
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DOOR BANGS
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I ran out of fresh towels.
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Would you like a drink?
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- No, thanks.
- It's just as well.
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I've given up drinking.
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You've given up drinking?
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Yeah. No social lubricant.
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So, how did you find my new digs?
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Gwen Pearson and Shelley Asher.
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We're in a secret Facebook group.
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You're in a secret Facebook group with two of my exes?
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Yep.
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Nice garden flat, by the way.
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Thanks.
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I just bought my mum this exact same rug.
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- Carpet Brothers?
- Yes. Oh, good spot.
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I wrote the jingle for them.
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"The selection's tops and the deals don't stop.
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"Shagpiles for miles, we've got the lot."
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Haven't heard of it. Are these for your next jingle?
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I'm writing a song for a boyband.
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You? A boyband?
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I've had to commune with my inner teen girl.
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- My boss is a bit of an ogre, though.
- Sounds scary.
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I'm sorry about saying "lubricant" earlier.
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It must have just...slipped out.
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So why are you darkening my doorstep?
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I was in town for a couple of days.
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Cool.
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- It's nice to see you, Andy.
- You, too.
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Wait, I'm... I lied.
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- It's not nice to see me?
- No...yes, it is.
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I mean...
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I've been in London for two months,
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- getting my visa renewed.
- I've got to tell you,
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if it's taking you that long, you should probably consider Mastercard.
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And now that you've got your visa?
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Heading back to New York.
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Are you still... doing all that book stuff?
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I'm an assistant editor.
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Young-adult fiction.
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Mostly contemporary coming-of-age stuff,
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LGBT issues, eating disorders...
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- You know lots about that.
- Yeah.
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- Cos you've got an eating disorder.
- Yes, yeah.
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Look, Melodie...
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- Andy, I need to say...
- Sorry. Assistant editors first.
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You know when you want to pick something up where you've left off,
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but...
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you've waited so long that you don't know how to begin again?
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If this is about my competitive street-dancing career,
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I've hung up my kicks for good.
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Andy, will you be serious for one minute?
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Sorry. My therapist says it's a deflection technique.
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You're seeing a therapist? That's great.
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I mean, it's my sister. But she gives me family rates.
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- That was another joke, I'm sorry.
- SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
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Yeah?
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Then why didn't you return my phone?
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You knew I had it this whole time?
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Well, not until Gwen and Shelley confirmed your address.
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Wha...?
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The cabbie returned it to me like that.
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Look, I'll make it up to you.
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Andy! Are you crazy?
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Duh! Obviously! I mean, that's sort of my thing.
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I was too embarrassed to return it to you because then you'd know that
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I knew that you were back in town.
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You clearly didn't want to see me, otherwise you'd have got in contact.
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That's not what happened. I thought about getting in contact every day,
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but...my life's complicated.
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The guy on the phone...
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He's my editor. And a friend.
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We tried to be something more, but...
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But?
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He knows I'm in love with someone else.
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Are you saying what I think you're saying?
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You haven't spoken to me in over a year!
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You haven't spoken to me either.
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I needed you to make the next move, Andy. It couldn't have been me.
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Oh, God, forget it. I shouldn't have come.
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It was selfish.
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I just needed to see how this was going to play out,
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but it was a fantasy, it's just a childish dream.
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I was coming for you, that day you left.
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I was on my way and...
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something happened...
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..and I froze.
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I'm done chasing you.
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I'm done dreaming about you.
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Do you want to be with me, the real me, or not?
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Not?
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I've never heard of her.
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Melodie, wait.
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Can't you sleep?
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Are you feeling stressed?
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Feeling inspired, actually.
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Feeding the ogre.
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Well, don't let me disturb you.
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Don't go!
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You're my muse.
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So...
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in your fantasy, what happens now?
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We could go for the record, if that's what you want.
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No!
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I meant...
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what happens to us,
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tomorrow and...and the day after that?
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We should start with a nice breakfast. Fair warning, though -
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I am a shit cook.
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Well, the cafe next to my Airbnb makes a delicious breakfast.
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Hmm.
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- And then?
- Then...
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we could go to the zoo.
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How did you know I loved animals?
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Well, I knew that you fancied bears.
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Shut up!
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And then?
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And then...we could take a trip somewhere tropical
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and master the art of hammock sex.
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And then?
135
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And then we would come back to London
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and we could spend the rest of our lives together.
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That sounds like a dream.
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What about your job? And New York?
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We'll work it out.
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I love you, princess.
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Downtown by Petula Clark
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# When you're alone and life is... #
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Morning, princess.
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How did you sleep?
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I am starving, like Marvin Berry.
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# ..Downtown
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# The lights are much brighter there... #
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Oh, no.
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- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- # ..Forget all your troubles
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- # Forget all your cares so go... #
- Fuck!
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"..He said. Hadn't their sexy times clinched the deal?
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"Perhaps he'd said something wrong.
153
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"Perhaps he snored too loudly.
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"Perhaps he lacked the introspection to know.
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"Perhaps he didn't listen to his genius nephew enough."
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- Errol.
- "Perhaps he didn't..."
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Errol! You do understand this is a fantasy writing class?
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There are many fantastical elements to this story
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- that even I find hard to believe.
- Be that as it may,
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when we say "fantasy", we mean the genre fantasy - witches,
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dragons, magic, mythology.
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Surely we're all bored of the whole Game Of Thrones aesthetic.
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- No.
- It's just, at the moment,
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your writing is a little bit too literal.
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For example, one of your minor characters is named Errol...
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Minor?! No, he's more of a co-lead.
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Do you feel you have the ability to tell the same story,
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but change the genre?
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You see, Errol, I don't normally allow people your age into my class,
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but you seemed mature beyond your years.
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- Was I mistaken?
- You want mature?
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I read the Guardian and the Daily Mail, just for balance.
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Well, then. Surprise me.
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Ye Olden Times.
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'It's the Renaissance,
176
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'plus the Medieval period, with a splash of the Dark Ages.
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'In a quaint country inn, the stable master was enjoying
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'a fibre-rich breakfast when his quietude was interrupted
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'by the idiot stableboy who lived in the cellar.'
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The Princess Melodie was in my bedchamber last night!
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'Said the lowly stableboy.'
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Did you fall into the vat of mead again?
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I haven't touched a drop in months.
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The princess did sleep in my bed.
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Innkeeper, you believe me!
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Forsooth, I believe there were a maid in your bed,
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but if she spent the night, 'tweren't no princess.
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I speak truth! She hath fled and left only this note.
189
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Stableboy, how are we meant to believe you
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when you tell such fantastical lies all the time?
191
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'This was the innkeeper's wife, who was in fact a man.
192
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- 'Take that, sexists.'
- When have I ever lied?
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What about the time you said a dragon ate your goat?
194
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You don't even have a goat.
195
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- Because a dragon ate it!
- Or when you said
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a water nymph cursed you with incurable allure.
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- Hello! Have you seen me?
- Or that time you said an ogre forced you
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to pay him in songs to keep him from eating you.
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- That IS true.
- It's only because you're simple and my blood
200
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that I let you abide here. You don't pay rent
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and you're the worst stableboy in Christendom.
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- I am a balladeer at heart.
- Wait. He speaks the truth.
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Every word is correctly spelt.
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No halfwit stableboy could have written this.
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Thanks. But she's fled, and I know not why.
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- Was it the sex?
- Maybe because you're soft in the head
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- and live in a cellar?
- It's a garden abode! And she knew all that.
208
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And now I must find her and profess my true love.
209
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Can't you just ring her mobile?
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I mean...
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send a messenger pigeon?
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My pigeon is no more. I stamped on it to death
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to...impress her.
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Must you be such a dunce?
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Maybe I am a mirror
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and you are staring at your own dunce-y reflection.
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- Shut up.
- No, you shut up.
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- Shut up.
- You shut up.
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- Boys!
Yes?
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You both shut up and muck out the stables. They're full of horseshit.
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- But my quest!
- But the horseshit.
222
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- But true love!
- But the shit.
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I'll do it later!
224
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But first, Stable Master,
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come with me to find the princess and make her my wife,
226
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- or die trying.
- Hmm. I'll pass.
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I have a folklore workshop anon,
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and I'm yet to be visited by my muse.
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Maybe our adventure will inspire.
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- Please. I need your IQ.
- Ah, yes.
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My Impressive Questing.
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If it's enlightenment you seek, you should visit the Oracle.
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Or the Wise Man.
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Hmm.
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Which is closer?
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'And so the quest began.
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'They bought supplies, which wasn't interesting, but realistic,
238
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'and then they went to consult...
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'the Oracle.'
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SPOOKY CHANTING
241
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What's all that moaning?
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Is it...
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Is it sex noises?
244
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Oh, must you always?
245
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It's the Oracle...
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making sex noises.
247
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You should have heard the princess's sex noises last night.
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Can we not?
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We can hear you!
250
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THEY SQUEAL AND HOWL
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We are the Oracle.
252
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But there's three of you.
253
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Yeah, we're the three aspects, innit?
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The mother, the maiden and the crone.
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THEY HOWL AND SCREECH
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Wait, wait, wait, hold up.
257
00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:21,880
Why do I always have to be the crone? You're the oldest!
258
00:11:21,880 --> 00:11:23,920
I'm timeless. It's different.
259
00:11:23,920 --> 00:11:26,160
Why does she get to be the maiden? I know for a fact
260
00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:28,160
- you ain't no maiden.
- Neither are you!
261
00:11:28,160 --> 00:11:30,840
Stop whingeing! We get it! You're both sluts.
262
00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:32,760
But someone had to be the crone.
263
00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:35,320
But I could be pretty. I've got good bone structure.
264
00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:36,400
Bitches, be quiet.
265
00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:39,360
These idiot stableboys obviously have something they want to say.
266
00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:41,160
I'm a stable master, actually.
267
00:11:41,160 --> 00:11:42,760
Nobody cares.
268
00:11:42,760 --> 00:11:45,080
We hear you can guide our quest.
269
00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:48,320
Yes, but first, you must answer a riddle.
270
00:11:48,320 --> 00:11:51,000
I am light as a feather...
271
00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:52,600
But even a giant...
272
00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:54,240
Can't hold me.
273
00:11:54,240 --> 00:11:56,080
The giant's a woman. That's always the twist.
274
00:11:56,080 --> 00:11:58,080
- Your breath.
- I brushed my teeth.
275
00:11:58,080 --> 00:12:00,800
- No, that's the answer. Breath.
- I told you it was too easy.
276
00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:02,960
- You pick the riddle next time!
- Beckies, shush.
277
00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:04,520
What is your query?
278
00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:08,000
Do you know where I can find the Princess Melodie?
279
00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:09,800
- She make a runner?
- Was it the sex?
280
00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:12,960
- No! The sex was...
- Please hold while we buffer your query.
281
00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:14,520
THEY HUM
282
00:12:14,520 --> 00:12:18,000
# Melodie
283
00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:21,360
# Oh, mmm... #
284
00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:22,840
Yeah, can we move this along?
285
00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:25,040
- Yeah, we don't know where she is, mate.
- Hang on!
286
00:12:25,040 --> 00:12:28,680
I know you. Aren't you in a secret group with the princess?
287
00:12:28,680 --> 00:12:31,240
She told you about our "Andy's a dick" Facebook group?
288
00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:32,800
GIGGLING Very funny, Errol,
289
00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:35,160
- but that detail might be a bit too anachronistic.
- Fine.
290
00:12:35,160 --> 00:12:37,560
She told you about our "Stableboy is a horse's phallus" group
291
00:12:37,560 --> 00:12:39,240
on the Book of Faces?
292
00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:41,120
Oh, I hate the Book of Faces.
293
00:12:41,120 --> 00:12:44,200
You've seen one woodcut of somebody's baby,
294
00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:47,600
- you've seen them all!
- Hang on. The entire purpose of this group
295
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,920
- is to compare me to a horse's phallus?
- Can I join?
296
00:12:49,920 --> 00:12:53,840
More importantly, can you use this group to find out where she is?
297
00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:55,640
Let me think about that. No.
298
00:12:55,640 --> 00:12:58,240
This is all a joke to you, isn't it? But this is my actual life.
299
00:12:58,240 --> 00:13:01,000
It's not a game. My entire future happiness
300
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:02,520
relies on me finding my princess.
301
00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:04,520
You, sexy mum, do you think
302
00:13:04,520 --> 00:13:05,800
you can help me find her?
303
00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:08,160
Why is everyone always asking me for advice?
304
00:13:08,160 --> 00:13:12,040
- I've got my own problems.
- Ask me! I'm smarter than I look.
305
00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:15,040
- And sound.
- I'm good.
306
00:13:15,040 --> 00:13:17,200
Did she say anything about where she'd been recently?
307
00:13:17,200 --> 00:13:19,360
Only that she'd bought a rug for her lady mother
308
00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:22,080
- from the Den of Carpets.
- So, if they delivered the rug
309
00:13:22,080 --> 00:13:24,720
then they'd know where her lady mother abides,
310
00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:26,640
and thusly her lady mother
311
00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:30,280
might know where her daughter, the princess, is.
312
00:13:30,280 --> 00:13:32,760
- I'm fucking good.
- That was actually very useful.
313
00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:34,720
Do you want to hear me play the mandolin?
314
00:13:34,720 --> 00:13:36,240
We're all right, thanks. Cheers.
315
00:13:36,240 --> 00:13:40,760
If all else fails, ask for the Wise Men!
316
00:13:40,760 --> 00:13:46,320
Men, men, men, men, men...
317
00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:47,680
BELL JINGLES
318
00:13:47,680 --> 00:13:49,320
MANDOLIN PLAYS
319
00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:56,920
Welcome to the Den of Carpets.
320
00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:58,520
Are they magic carpets?
321
00:13:58,520 --> 00:14:00,080
- Oh.
- In a way.
322
00:14:00,080 --> 00:14:02,200
In the way that all carpets are magical
323
00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:04,360
because they give us so much beauty and comfort.
324
00:14:04,360 --> 00:14:05,960
THEY SIGH
325
00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:08,320
I know. Everyone's expecting magic carpets.
326
00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:10,640
It's actually been quite bad for business.
327
00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:14,080
- By the by, what are you looking for today?
- We are on a quest.
328
00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:17,200
I love a quest! What's it for? Like, a ring or a sword
329
00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:18,760
or an enchanted cherry Bakewell?
330
00:14:18,760 --> 00:14:20,320
True love.
331
00:14:20,320 --> 00:14:22,840
- Oh, bless.
- It's the Princess Melodie.
332
00:14:22,840 --> 00:14:25,480
She professed her love...and then fled.
333
00:14:25,480 --> 00:14:28,280
Oh, God. Was it that?
334
00:14:28,280 --> 00:14:30,200
I heard tell that she stopped by
335
00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:32,560
to purchase a rug for her lady mother.
336
00:14:32,560 --> 00:14:34,400
'Tis, um, a secret.
337
00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:37,400
You wouldn't want me to divulge a secret, would you?
338
00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:39,920
- Oh, go on.
- No, I couldn't possibly.
339
00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:42,400
- Yes, you could.
- No, I couldn't.
340
00:14:42,400 --> 00:14:45,480
No, stop that! No, you're evil!
341
00:14:45,480 --> 00:14:46,840
Oh, you're ticklish!
342
00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:49,640
I'm going to wee if you keep going!
343
00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:52,360
No... I'm gonna piss myself!
344
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:55,560
Fine. You tortured it out of me.
345
00:14:55,560 --> 00:14:58,360
My lady did purchase a rug. She had it delivered
346
00:14:58,360 --> 00:15:00,560
to a cottage in the village of Dumpton.
347
00:15:00,560 --> 00:15:02,080
But that's leagues away.
348
00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:04,920
- We'll never make it.
- Not the old-fashioned way.
349
00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:07,080
- But using my magic...
- Carpet?
- Carpet?
350
00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:10,120
..cupboard, you'll be there in a jiff. It's just over here.
351
00:15:10,120 --> 00:15:14,280
- If all else fails, just ask the Wise Man.
- Cheers.
352
00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:17,600
Sorry, Errol, but the tickling seems a little bit odd, even for me.
353
00:15:17,600 --> 00:15:19,040
I liked it.
354
00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:21,520
Sometimes the truest things are the least probable, Siobhan.
355
00:15:21,520 --> 00:15:23,680
Fair enough. Anyone got any questions or comments?
356
00:15:23,680 --> 00:15:25,000
Is there a happy ending?
357
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:26,960
I'd like to keep this spoiler free for now, Doris.
358
00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:29,520
Will there be any kissing? Maybe with some light choking?
359
00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:31,960
- TBD.
- I hope the stable master dies.
360
00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:33,440
He's not very sympathetic.
361
00:15:33,440 --> 00:15:35,360
Life isn't very sympathetic, Jane.
362
00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:38,840
Um, yes. You said there'd be ogres and elves and whatnot?
363
00:15:38,840 --> 00:15:40,200
Patience, Dave.
364
00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:42,280
THEY GASP
365
00:15:42,280 --> 00:15:43,840
- It's this way.
- How do you know?
366
00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:47,560
Because our screen direction's been left to right this entire quest.
367
00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:58,400
Look! It's the lady mother's cottage.
368
00:15:58,400 --> 00:15:59,920
DOOR CREAKS
369
00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:05,520
You're...not the lady mother.
370
00:16:05,520 --> 00:16:07,680
Close the door behind you, yeah?
371
00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:10,400
- Isn't that...
- Princess Shelley? The Elf Queen?
372
00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:13,080
- Yeah.
- Princess...Queen?
373
00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:15,760
Don't think too hard on it. Stableboy, good to see you again.
374
00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:17,160
How do you know the Elf Queen?
375
00:16:17,160 --> 00:16:20,120
- We used to date. It was quite serious.
- It wasn't that serious.
376
00:16:20,120 --> 00:16:21,360
It was pretty serious.
377
00:16:21,360 --> 00:16:23,840
Stableboy, I'm here to stop you from
378
00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:26,320
- making a horrible mistake.
- What?
379
00:16:26,320 --> 00:16:28,280
Following my heart? Believing in true love?
380
00:16:28,280 --> 00:16:30,160
I thought my problem was being too cynical.
381
00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:32,760
No, you're a hopeless romantic. You have no follow-through.
382
00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:36,280
You love the idea of being in love, but you live in a fantasy.
383
00:16:36,280 --> 00:16:39,200
Why must you only pursue true love after you've driven it away?
384
00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:41,920
All right, I self-sabotage. I don't know what real love feels like
385
00:16:41,920 --> 00:16:45,000
so I assume it's supposed to hurt. Now, will you help us, or not?
386
00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:46,360
Who's Not?
387
00:16:46,360 --> 00:16:47,800
J/K!
388
00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:50,360
Look, I don't know where she is, but...
389
00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:52,240
dreams...
390
00:16:52,240 --> 00:16:54,120
can come true.
391
00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:56,280
Look at me, babe. I'm with you.
392
00:16:56,280 --> 00:16:58,200
You know you've got to have hope.
393
00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:01,040
- You know you've got to be strong.
- That's it?
394
00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:03,600
- That's rubbish.
- It sounds much better when you sing it.
395
00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:04,760
Huh.
396
00:17:04,760 --> 00:17:06,520
Or seek the Wise Man. I don't care.
397
00:17:06,520 --> 00:17:09,000
Now, fuck off. I need my beauty sleep.
398
00:17:11,920 --> 00:17:15,800
Stableboy, I really hope you find your princess.
399
00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:19,640
- Thanks, Stable Master.
- But aren't you worried
400
00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:22,360
if you live happily ever after, it'll affect your balladeering?
401
00:17:22,360 --> 00:17:24,880
Don't you write from a place of abject misery?
402
00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:27,080
HE ROARS, THEY SQUEAL
403
00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:30,880
- I'm an ogre! Feed me songs!
- Oh, so you weren't lying about the ogre.
404
00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:33,080
- Why would I lie about that?
- Because you lie a lot.
405
00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:36,280
- You do! You lie a lot.
- Fine. I'll work on it.
- Good.
406
00:17:36,280 --> 00:17:38,360
But you won't get a chance if I kill you first.
407
00:17:38,360 --> 00:17:41,160
Can we take a rain check? I'm on a quest.
408
00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:43,400
Do you think I give a flying toss about your quest?
409
00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:46,080
You knew you promised me a song for today!
410
00:17:46,080 --> 00:17:48,720
- A song, or death!
- Er...
411
00:17:48,720 --> 00:17:51,400
# I'm too young to die Please don't eat me
412
00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:53,960
# I'm too young to die Please don't eat me... #
413
00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:55,120
That's a shit song!
414
00:17:55,120 --> 00:17:57,280
I won't even kill you before I eat you, for that!
415
00:17:57,280 --> 00:18:00,240
Wait! I have a song. A real song.
416
00:18:00,240 --> 00:18:02,280
Of true love.
417
00:18:02,280 --> 00:18:04,400
Go on, I'm listening.
418
00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:07,000
- FULL ACCOMPANIMENT PLAYS
- # Lost
419
00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:10,600
# In a land without love, hugs and hope
420
00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:12,560
# Set adrift
421
00:18:13,840 --> 00:18:17,440
# On a voyage without pants and socks and soap
422
00:18:17,440 --> 00:18:21,400
# As we quest through the sleet and the snow
423
00:18:21,400 --> 00:18:24,680
# And the hellfire burns below
424
00:18:24,680 --> 00:18:26,360
# Lost
425
00:18:26,360 --> 00:18:28,280
# Ah-ah
426
00:18:28,280 --> 00:18:32,520
# In a land without lo-ove
427
00:18:32,520 --> 00:18:35,680
# Monsters and demons erupting like semen
428
00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:38,480
# They snuck through the cracks in the nigh-i-ight
429
00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:42,000
# They smashed open the door and I've just rolled a four
430
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:45,080
# Now they're coming to take you ali-i-ive
431
00:18:45,080 --> 00:18:48,640
# With my trusty companion we'll curse and we'll damn them
432
00:18:48,640 --> 00:18:51,600
# We're questing by land and by sea
433
00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:55,440
# Where she is, I can't tell But her face rings a bell
434
00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:58,760
# Yes, it's thee, my Melodie
435
00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:02,280
# Melodie, my Melodie
436
00:19:02,280 --> 00:19:05,320
# She was so in tune with me
437
00:19:05,320 --> 00:19:09,000
# Melodie, my Melodie
438
00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:12,040
# I feel her coming over me
439
00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:15,200
# My Melodie goes round and round My Melodie doth ring
440
00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:18,320
# My Melodie was on my lips My Melodie doth sing
441
00:19:18,320 --> 00:19:21,880
# My Melodie is soft and sweet My Melodie will do
442
00:19:21,880 --> 00:19:26,280
# My Melodie is fiddly My Melodie is true
443
00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:28,920
# She's my Melodie She's my Melodie
444
00:19:28,920 --> 00:19:31,240
# She's my Melodie
445
00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:40,960
# She's my Melodie My Melodie-ee-ee. #
446
00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:46,480
Hmm. The lyrics are shit, but the tune is passable.
447
00:19:46,480 --> 00:19:49,480
Not good, but good enough not to eat you.
448
00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:50,760
Today.
449
00:19:50,760 --> 00:19:52,640
Until we meat again.
450
00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:54,080
M-E-A-T.
451
00:19:54,080 --> 00:19:55,200
Get it?
452
00:19:55,200 --> 00:19:56,680
Yeah. We get it.
453
00:19:56,680 --> 00:19:58,920
It's a pun. "Meat" and "meet".
454
00:19:58,920 --> 00:20:01,320
- Because I will...
- Eat us, yes.
455
00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:03,360
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking...
456
00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:06,400
Well, I'm not short for an ogre. We come in all shapes and sizes.
457
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:08,520
Thing to remember is, I am scary.
458
00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:10,280
Raar! Songs!
459
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:15,680
They keep telling us to seek the Wise Man. Maybe it's time we did.
460
00:20:15,680 --> 00:20:18,320
I'd love to, but I'm going to be late for my fantasy writing class.
461
00:20:18,320 --> 00:20:19,960
- Your what?
- You heard me.
462
00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:22,040
- Folklore workshop.
- Don't be a nerd.
463
00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:24,760
I can't do this without you. I need you. You're my wingman.
464
00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:26,440
I'm not. I'm your co-pilot, at the least.
465
00:20:26,440 --> 00:20:28,760
- What's a co-pilot?
- It's the other pilot of the plane.
466
00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:31,600
I can't be explaining anachronisms to you. I'm going to be late.
467
00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:34,160
Your schedule is more important than the love of my life?
468
00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:35,840
Your love life is perpetually broken,
469
00:20:35,840 --> 00:20:37,840
and making me late is not going to fix it.
470
00:20:37,840 --> 00:20:39,920
Well, then, go! See if I care!
471
00:20:39,920 --> 00:20:42,360
All right, then, I will.
472
00:20:42,360 --> 00:20:45,000
Good! I don't need your help anyway!
473
00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:46,800
Or anybody!
474
00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:51,960
- That's all I've got.
- No, but the story's not over yet!
475
00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:54,160
You can't just give up on the princess like that.
476
00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:57,200
- What about true love?
- Fine. I didn't finish the story.
477
00:20:57,200 --> 00:21:00,360
My uncle pulled me away in the morning and we searched all day
478
00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:02,240
- and then I had to come here.
- Errol,
479
00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:05,520
when we say, "Write what you know," it doesn't just mean,
480
00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:07,000
"Write exactly what happened."
481
00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:08,880
I turned a gay strip club into a witches' cave.
482
00:21:08,880 --> 00:21:11,440
- And the carpet store?
- That was a carpet store.
483
00:21:11,440 --> 00:21:13,440
But there was no magic carpet.
484
00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:16,280
We had to take the Jubilee line out to her mum's house in Stanmore.
485
00:21:16,280 --> 00:21:18,920
- Ugh. That is really far.
- She wasn't even home!
486
00:21:18,920 --> 00:21:21,200
The whole conversation with Shelley was just a role-play
487
00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:22,880
to keep us entertained for the way back.
488
00:21:22,880 --> 00:21:25,560
So now the real-life experience is over, where do we go from here?
489
00:21:25,560 --> 00:21:28,400
- I don't know.
- Does that scare you, not knowing?
490
00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:30,200
I like structure. It's comforting.
491
00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:32,240
Errol, there is no wrong answer.
492
00:21:32,240 --> 00:21:34,120
Just use your imagination.
493
00:21:36,440 --> 00:21:39,360
The stableboy wandered alone in the wilderness.
494
00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:45,560
His beard began to grow very long and smelly,
495
00:21:45,560 --> 00:21:48,600
but he trimmed it conveniently before we next saw him.
496
00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:52,160
He searched high and low for the Wise Man.
497
00:21:52,160 --> 00:21:54,840
He put his life in great peril -
498
00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:57,200
well, a little bit of peril -
499
00:21:57,200 --> 00:21:59,000
until finally...
500
00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:01,200
he came across a temple...
501
00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:03,320
but it was shut.
502
00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:05,600
He banged and screamed to come inside.
503
00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:06,760
Please!
504
00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:09,760
No word. It was warded with magic charms.
505
00:22:09,760 --> 00:22:10,880
All was lost.
506
00:22:10,880 --> 00:22:14,200
Until finally, he mustered every last ounce of strength
507
00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:16,360
and barged the doors.
508
00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:23,960
- You! You're the Wise Man!
- Yes.
509
00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:25,120
It was me all along.
510
00:22:25,120 --> 00:22:28,480
- Only I knew you wouldn't listen to me.
- OK. Explain.
511
00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:35,160
Oh, hello, Miss Thomas.
512
00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:36,360
Oh, hi!
513
00:22:36,360 --> 00:22:39,080
Errol. You know, you don't need to call me that.
514
00:22:39,080 --> 00:22:40,880
I'm not your teacher any more.
515
00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:43,520
I'm sorry, Miss Thomas. I mean, Melodie.
516
00:22:43,520 --> 00:22:44,920
So is Uncle Andy awake?
517
00:22:46,560 --> 00:22:48,440
- Er...
- Oh. I see.
518
00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:50,360
It's better this way.
519
00:22:50,360 --> 00:22:54,040
- If you say so.
- I think maybe you're too young to understand.
520
00:22:54,040 --> 00:22:56,520
Stuff like this makes me not want to grow up.
521
00:22:56,520 --> 00:22:59,120
Yeah. Hold on to that feeling.
522
00:22:59,120 --> 00:23:01,240
Some day you'll miss it.
523
00:23:02,720 --> 00:23:05,240
Tell Andy...I'm sorry.
524
00:23:12,760 --> 00:23:14,960
Why didn't you tell me from the start?
525
00:23:14,960 --> 00:23:16,440
You had to go through the journey
526
00:23:16,440 --> 00:23:18,400
to be the man that would come out the other side.
527
00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:21,280
- You were scared to tell me.
- Yeah. You can't keep a relationship
528
00:23:21,280 --> 00:23:23,320
because you pull away when they get close
529
00:23:23,320 --> 00:23:25,200
and then you cling on when they want to leave.
530
00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:28,040
- Managed to stay friends with you.
- Bros before hos. That's different.
531
00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:31,240
It's not different, Dave. And they're sex workers, not hos.
532
00:23:31,240 --> 00:23:32,920
You're the idiot stableboy?
533
00:23:32,920 --> 00:23:35,400
I went to a petting zoo once.
534
00:23:35,400 --> 00:23:37,680
- I imagined someone younger.
- More blond.
535
00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:40,360
- I imagined myself!
- You were pretty bang-on, then.
536
00:23:40,360 --> 00:23:42,480
Roly, I do need your help.
537
00:23:42,480 --> 00:23:44,840
I've hit a...bit of a dead end.
538
00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:46,320
We're still in class.
539
00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:48,480
That doesn't have to be a problem.
540
00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:50,440
Well, she's closed down her Facebook.
541
00:23:50,440 --> 00:23:52,960
- No new tweets in a week.
- Her Insta was active yesterday.
542
00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:55,440
Every morning, coffee and Danish from the same place.
543
00:23:55,440 --> 00:23:57,120
She mentioned a cafe by her Airbnb.
544
00:23:57,120 --> 00:23:59,760
I know that cafe. One of my submissives works there.
545
00:23:59,760 --> 00:24:02,640
- What's going on?
- So if we check Airbnbs local to that cafe
546
00:24:02,640 --> 00:24:05,080
that have been booked for the last two months...
547
00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:08,000
And input the time and geo-stamps into this totally not
548
00:24:08,000 --> 00:24:10,320
stalking-related app that I've developed,
549
00:24:10,320 --> 00:24:12,720
we can pinpoint my lady's location.
550
00:24:12,720 --> 00:24:14,360
Presto.
551
00:24:14,360 --> 00:24:16,120
That is incredibly helpful, Dave.
552
00:24:16,120 --> 00:24:18,520
- Roly, I hope you're paying attention.
- Good work.
553
00:24:18,520 --> 00:24:20,200
Now go and finish that story.
554
00:24:21,760 --> 00:24:23,400
It was probably the sex.
555
00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:27,720
PHONE RINGS
556
00:24:27,720 --> 00:24:29,080
Hello?
557
00:24:29,080 --> 00:24:30,560
- 'Miss Thomas?'
- Ooh.
558
00:24:30,560 --> 00:24:33,040
- 'Er, Melodie.'
- Er, Errol.
559
00:24:33,040 --> 00:24:36,080
- How did you get...?
- 'Your Airbnb landlord.'
560
00:24:36,080 --> 00:24:38,680
He's really gullible. Look out your window.
561
00:24:50,360 --> 00:24:53,520
# Melodie, girl, look what you've done
562
00:24:53,520 --> 00:24:57,520
# You stole my heart in front of everyone
563
00:24:57,520 --> 00:25:00,800
# And now you've packed your bags and you're on the run
564
00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:04,360
# Won't you stay and talk this over?
565
00:25:04,360 --> 00:25:07,240
# Melodie, my Melodie
566
00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:10,720
# I've written you a medley
567
00:25:10,720 --> 00:25:13,920
# Seven hours in heaven
568
00:25:13,920 --> 00:25:16,800
# Now it's all torn apart
569
00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:20,160
# Seven hours in heaven, darling
570
00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:23,000
# It was you from the start
571
00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:26,480
# I don't like you
572
00:25:26,480 --> 00:25:29,760
# I li-like you
573
00:25:29,760 --> 00:25:33,240
# My Melodie
574
00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:37,600
# Oh, I like you-ou-ou
575
00:25:37,600 --> 00:25:40,760
# I don't like you. #
576
00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:43,320
I like-like you.
577
00:25:45,000 --> 00:25:46,640
DOOR OPENS
578
00:25:52,400 --> 00:25:54,440
I suppose I owe you an explanation.
579
00:25:54,440 --> 00:25:57,080
- If it's the sex...
- No, it wasn't the sex.
580
00:25:57,080 --> 00:25:58,360
The sex was great.
581
00:25:58,360 --> 00:26:01,400
I needed to test myself to see if I was ready.
582
00:26:01,400 --> 00:26:03,200
I wasn't.
583
00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:06,000
If it's the commitment level, you know, too much,
584
00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:07,960
or not enough, then I'm a dial.
585
00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:11,120
You can turn the knob in any direction that suits you.
586
00:26:11,120 --> 00:26:12,520
That's not a dick joke.
587
00:26:12,520 --> 00:26:14,600
Unless you...liked it.
588
00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:16,320
It's not the commitment level.
589
00:26:16,320 --> 00:26:17,800
It's the timing.
590
00:26:19,040 --> 00:26:20,640
It's me and you, now.
591
00:26:20,640 --> 00:26:22,520
Andy.
592
00:26:22,520 --> 00:26:24,000
I love you.
593
00:26:26,080 --> 00:26:28,800
Don't panic - it's not a proposal, it's a promise,
594
00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:32,360
to be the kind of person that you want to wake up with.
595
00:26:32,360 --> 00:26:35,920
I think I've finally got bored of fucking stuff up.
596
00:26:35,920 --> 00:26:40,200
It actually feels good to... care about other people.
597
00:26:40,200 --> 00:26:44,800
And, yes, I'm guilty of putting you on a pedestal, but...
598
00:26:46,280 --> 00:26:51,000
..I know now that you're not some perfect, unobtainable princess.
599
00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:52,320
You're...
600
00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:54,440
You're just like me.
601
00:26:54,440 --> 00:26:56,280
In fact, you might actually be crazier.
602
00:26:56,280 --> 00:27:00,760
- Oh.
- I want to see how all that crazy mixes.
603
00:27:00,760 --> 00:27:02,200
What do you say?
604
00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:03,640
Pause.
605
00:27:05,560 --> 00:27:06,880
Pause?
606
00:27:06,880 --> 00:27:08,720
I'm going back to New York tomorrow.
607
00:27:08,720 --> 00:27:10,800
But I'll be in and out of our UK office.
608
00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:12,960
And, no, we're not going to date.
609
00:27:12,960 --> 00:27:15,000
We won't be friends with benefits.
610
00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:17,080
I want to be real friends.
611
00:27:17,080 --> 00:27:20,640
And, yes, maybe occasionally we'll probably sleep together,
612
00:27:20,640 --> 00:27:22,680
when we fall off the wagon.
613
00:27:22,680 --> 00:27:25,440
And we're not going to lose touch like we did before.
614
00:27:25,440 --> 00:27:27,080
Promise me.
615
00:27:27,080 --> 00:27:30,000
We both have to be good about it.
616
00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:33,440
- OK.
- And then maybe we'll get together.
617
00:27:33,440 --> 00:27:37,200
But maybe you'll find someone else who's perfect for you
618
00:27:37,200 --> 00:27:39,160
and I'll find another right person for me,
619
00:27:39,160 --> 00:27:43,040
and one of us has kids, or a dog and a budgie,
620
00:27:43,040 --> 00:27:46,120
and we grow old, and I get divorced,
621
00:27:46,120 --> 00:27:47,520
or your partner dies,
622
00:27:47,520 --> 00:27:50,560
and then, in the twilight of our years,
623
00:27:50,560 --> 00:27:55,000
when the buzzing has stopped in both of our hearts and our heads,
624
00:27:55,000 --> 00:27:56,120
then...
625
00:27:57,680 --> 00:28:00,760
Well, then it'll be our time.
626
00:28:00,760 --> 00:28:02,880
But what if my partner doesn't die?
627
00:28:02,880 --> 00:28:04,880
And you don't get divorced?
628
00:28:04,880 --> 00:28:06,600
And we miss our boat?
629
00:28:06,600 --> 00:28:09,080
Then that'll be great too.
630
00:28:09,080 --> 00:28:13,120
A story doesn't just have to have one happy ending, Andy.
631
00:28:14,360 --> 00:28:16,120
Like a Choose Your Own Adventure.
632
00:28:26,360 --> 00:28:29,400
How occasionally will we be falling off the wagon?
633
00:28:35,840 --> 00:28:37,080
Bad news?
634
00:28:37,080 --> 00:28:39,000
Just...news.
635
00:28:39,000 --> 00:28:42,480
I get why you didn't tell me you saw her leave now.
636
00:28:42,480 --> 00:28:44,640
I just didn't want to steal your hope.
637
00:28:44,640 --> 00:28:48,000
Can I finally challenge you to try a vindaloo?
638
00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:49,960
Yeah. I'm up for an adventure.
639
00:28:51,320 --> 00:28:54,040
The best adventures are yet to come.
640
00:28:54,040 --> 00:28:55,960
C-U-M. Get it?
641
00:28:55,960 --> 00:28:57,320
Yeah. I get it.
642
00:28:57,320 --> 00:28:59,120
Yoo-hoo!
643
00:29:00,680 --> 00:29:02,080
I knew it!
644
00:29:02,080 --> 00:29:04,280
Suck it, dildos!
48834
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