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- 'Southbridge Comprehensive. How can I help?'
- Hello. This is Herbert Jones,
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and I work for the Bone Marrow Registry
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of England and Wales.
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I am trying to get in contact with one of your former teachers,
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a Miss...Melodie Thomas.
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It seems that she may be a potential match for one of our patients.
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'Sorry, we can't give out any personal information.'
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Oh. Well, that's fine. I'm sure our patient will understand...
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when they're dead!
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HE TAPS ON KEYBOARD
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What do you think would be
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a nice present for your mum
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when she finishes radiotherapy?
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Hello? Veronica just asked you a que... Would you mind not using that
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at the breakfast table?
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Actually, I would. I've found an amazing deal for my Euro trip.
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And it's going to be gone in a couple of minutes unless we act now.
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What Euro trip?
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The one for my 16th birthday.
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I've found a package that takes me to Barcelona, Rome, Athens, Istanbul, Munich
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and Stockholm, home of the world's largest Ikea.
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And it's only £2,500.
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- Can I use your credit card? I already know the number.
- Definitely not.
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What 16-year-old goes alone on a trip round Europe?
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Malala won a Nobel prize when she was 16.
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It was the Peace Prize. They give that to anyone.
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If you don't want me to go alone, I can always just ask Murray Thomas.
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His crippling sleep apnoea has nearly cleared up now.
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You get straight As in your GCSEs, then we'll talk.
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That's not fair.
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I'm bored of formal education. I'm trying to enrich myself.
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If you feel that strongly about it, you're old enough to get a job and pay for the trip yourself.
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A job? You want ME to get a job?
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Me? A rebel thinker?
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Hands of a Victorian lady?
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Do I look like I'm built for hard labour?
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I'm not ordering you down the mines. What century are you living in?
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Why don't you just... blog for money or something?
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Ha! You think writing pays money?
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What century are YOU living in?
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How do you know my credit card number?
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- Jesus, Andy!
- What? You're just peeing.
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This had better be good. I was about to break my Wordament high score.
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I can't decide which guitar to use for the song that I'm writing.
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Have you ever heard of Old Black?
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Don't tell me that's what you call Bruce's penis.
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No, that's Will Smith II.
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No, I'm talking about Neil Young's guitar.
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- What do you know about Neil Young's...?
- The TV was stuck on BBC Four one night.
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Neil's had Old Black for, like, 40 years,
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even though she weighs a ton and gives him back pain.
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Now, why would Neil put up with that when he could buy any guitar in the world?
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Will Smith II? Seriously?
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It's because he's dedicated to her, for better or worse.
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That is why Neil's the kind of guy he is.
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He puts in the hours to make the relationship work.
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Can you see me settling down and getting married?
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We learn how to form healthy relationships from our parents.
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That's a yes.
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You're screwed. Now, get out.
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Hang on, are you hiding in here?
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No, I'm just enjoying my last moments of peace
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before Mum and Dad arrive from Spain tonight.
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- What are you stressed about? They're not that bad.
- Oh, really, says the golden child?
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Meanwhile, I'm the one that has to smile while Mum criticises my hair
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and goes on about homoeopathic cures,
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and Dad boasts about his five seconds as a folk singer.
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And, yes, I've stocked up on booze, and, no, I haven't had any,
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and, no, I'm not going to tell you where it is.
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- You're no fun.
- I know, but someone's got to be the adult in this family.
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DOORBELL
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Oh! God, they're early! Get out.
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Go. Shit.
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Ah! Look who's here.
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It's my rock star.
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Can you spare a kiss for your number-one fan?
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Or you can sign my tits if you prefer.
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Why do I have to choose?
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What do you think of my tan, eh?
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It's nice.
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Full coverage.
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Yeah. The neighbours enjoyed the full view, didn't they, Jane?
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Look at that face.
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If I had a mug like that, I'd never leave the house.
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I'd just stand naked in the mirror, loving myself all day.
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Loving yourself has never really been your problem, has it, Neville?
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NEVILLE CHUCKLES
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Oh! And here's my cancer warrior.
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Honk-honk! Hello, girls! They're looking perky.
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Yeah, well, the radiation therapy can cause...
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Radiation! You only had stage two.
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Why are you bothering with that rubbish?
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It'll just give you more cancer down the line.
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- Says the woman who smokes unfiltered cigarettes.
- I offset it with homoeopathy.
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Speaking of, I've brought you some fluoride-of-lime tablets.
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I promise, you don't need any more of this radioactive mess.
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- It's just the medical industry trying to make money out of you.
- Great
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- Now, what's going on with your roots?
- So, you guys are early.
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Your mother thought we should surprise you.
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So...
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Surprise!
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And Brian's been looking after us lovely.
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He pours a mean Baileys.
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- Mum, it's Bruce.
- Brian's cool, though.
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"I'm not the Messiah. I've been a very naughty boy!"
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Monty Python.
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Bruce, did you know that I once opened for Billy Bragg?
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- Oh, hello there.
- Someone call the police -
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there's an illegally handsome young man on the premises.
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And Errol!
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When did you get so big?
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Oh, if I was 30 years younger...
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Jesus, Mum, he's your grandson.
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Oh, you're so uptight, Sammy. Now, let's have a look at this tattoo.
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Don't worry, when you get a bit older
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you can change it to something cool. Like "samurai".
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Ooh, I bought you a pressie.
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Thank you.
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- I thought you were coming later.
- We couldn't wait
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to give everyone the big news.
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We're getting divorced.
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Could I get a top-up, Brian?
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Divorced?!
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Oh, do you know what this means?
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Yeah - one of them's going to be sleeping in Tiff's room,
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one of them's going to be sleeping in my room.
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I can't sleep in your Petri dish of a flat.
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No. If they're getting divorced,
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what chance do I have of being in a healthy relationship?
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They're literally my only role models.
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Relax.
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Divorce is a gift. Two parents fighting for attention,
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two bedrooms, two birthdays, two Christmases,
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twice the guilt.
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I'm an expert on divorce. I can teach you to get whatever you want.
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I want my mum and dad to stay married, and I'm going to keep them together,
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and if I can do that, then I can make any relationship work.
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I'm sorry, sweetie. I remember when my folks split up.
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Same week Ginger left the Spice Girls.
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- Dark times.
- I don't care about them divorcing.
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- They should have done that years ago.
- Then what is it?
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I thought that being sick would change things with Mum.
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But Andy's always going to be the Jake to my Maggie.
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- What?
- Maggie Gyllenhaal.
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She's older and cooler but Jake gets all the attention because he's a boy.
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But she killed it in Secretary.
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I know! Argh!
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Just forget it. I'm a therapist, I'm not going to fall into any old traps.
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- That's my Sam.
- But it's not fair!
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I'm the one with cancer! They should baby me at least a little bit.
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And that passive-aggressive shit with Mum calling you Brian!
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- She never would have done that with Ben!
- I know. Don't worry. I'll set her straight.
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- Brian, where's the bottle opener?
- Top drawer, next to the fridge.
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We should get a lock on the door. I can't have more idiots barging in and saying stupid shit.
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I'm stopping Mum and Dad from getting a divorce! Who's with me?
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I don't get it. What is the point in a divorce stag do?
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Simple reverse psychology.
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Once we remind Dad how shit it is being single, he'll run straight back to Mum.
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While you're throwing away the gift of a lifetime,
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I'll be twisting Dad and Bruce to my will.
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Go, divorce!
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Yeah, Dad, nothing says recently single like slippery wood and heavy balls.
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Don't worry, old-timer! We'll get through this together.
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You don't have to cheer me up, son.
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We're NOT cheering you up.
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We're celebrating your new life.
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Being single is my second-greatest achievement next to the time
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I came this close to touching a tit with my tongue.
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- Can I smell whisky?
- Ben, get over here,
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you useless Tory twat!
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I missed you, too, you big lefty drunk!
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Hey, where's my hug, you...socialist alky?
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Classic bants there, Bruce The fun's already begun.
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Mum who? Am I right?
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Oh. Oooh. Get off.
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- Get... Oh!
- Psycho?
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No... Er...
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Ooh. Ooh. Naughty. Get away.
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Fifty Shades Of Grey?
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Rarrrr!
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- The Revenant?
- Yes!
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Ben's new wife's energetic.
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Oh, we're not married, but we have been engaged for...almost two years.
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All right, Tiff, you're up next.
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- Who's Tiff?
- Me. I'm Bruce's ex-stepdaughter.
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- Who's Bruce?
- BRIAN'S ex-stepdaughter.
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Oh, well, why didn't you say so?
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- What time does the stripper get here?
- I keep saying, there is no stripper.
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Andy would have got me a stripper.
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Well, Andy's not here, and tonight is about sisterhood.
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We don't need a man to validate us.
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We are celebrating singledom and girl power.
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Who needs men, right?
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This soon-to-be divorcee who hasn't been on the market for 39 years, that's who.
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Come on, Jane, you just need some charades in your life.
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I'll give it a pass, thanks.
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Sounds like somebody's afraid of losing.
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I love losing.
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I lost my virginity twice.
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- Once in the V-hole and once in the A...
- Another drink coming right up.
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I got it. A-hole.
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You're going to love being single.
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Goodbye, putting down the toilet seat.
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Goodbye, sharing the bed. Hello, online dating.
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We're going to have you swiping right
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faster than you can say, "Meaningless shag for one, please."
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Nothing beats the thrill of playing Russian roulette with your penis.
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You know, the over-50s have the fastest-growing rate of STDs.
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Interesting.
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Actually, Jane never took up much room in bed.
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And with my knees, I prefer to piss sitting down.
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And I was never one for meaningless sex.
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I guess I'm just a bit old-fashioned.
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Divorce is bad, but online dating's the worst.
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- What happened, anyway?
- We just...
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..grew apart.
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- Is it too late to fix it?
- Why would he want to fix it?
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You're taking this much better than I thought.
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Your mum had this mad idea you'd have a meltdown and make it about you.
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BOTH LAUGH
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I just want to see my old man happy.
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And once you get over the soul-crushing loneliness of bachelorhood,
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it's all guns and roses.
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You're now free to go wherever you like. Unlike me.
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- Dad thinks I'm too young to see Europe.
- I didn't say that.
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That's a bit harsh. I wish I'd travelled more when I was young.
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I used to get nosebleeds just going north of Waterloo.
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See? Bruce gets it.
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Anyway, back to Dad's great new life... We can go out on double dates.
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Father and son on the pull.
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If that doesn't get you running back to Jane, I don't know what will.
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Hmm.
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SHE EXHALES
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Penny for your thoughts?
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Oh, why can't she just be a normal mother?
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I know exactly what you mean.
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For my 18th birthday, Mummy bought me a Porsche
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when all I wanted was a Range Rover.
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- I never should have agreed to this.
- Agreed to what?
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Andy wanted me to throw Mum a divorce hen do but make it extra boring
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so she'd go running back to Dad, which is the dumbest idea ever,
242
00:10:10,520 --> 00:10:12,480
but I thought it would be a chance for us to bond.
243
00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:13,680
It's fine. I'm a therapist.
244
00:10:13,680 --> 00:10:17,720
I know that looking to other people for self-worth is a losing battle.
245
00:10:17,720 --> 00:10:19,800
Wait, did you invite me because I'm boring?
246
00:10:19,800 --> 00:10:21,200
No.
247
00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:22,440
SHE EXHALES
248
00:10:22,440 --> 00:10:25,320
Look, if you want to show Andy who's boss,
249
00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:28,200
you should give her exactly what she wants.
250
00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:31,720
If she wants men, make it rain men.
251
00:10:31,720 --> 00:10:34,560
- Hello, boys!
- Val!
252
00:10:34,560 --> 00:10:37,960
Andy's warned me who everyone is. Roly I know.
253
00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:40,200
You must be Ben, the prick ex-brother-in-law.
254
00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:42,600
Andy's only calling me a prick?
255
00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:44,280
Someone's losing their edge.
256
00:10:44,280 --> 00:10:47,000
And you must be sweet, gullible Bruce.
257
00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:49,160
I can't believe you said I was gullible.
258
00:10:49,160 --> 00:10:51,480
- He didn't.
- I see what you did there.
259
00:10:51,480 --> 00:10:54,000
And who's this big old grizzly bear?
260
00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:55,520
I'm Neville, Andy's dad.
261
00:10:55,520 --> 00:10:58,000
He failed to mention you, my dear.
262
00:10:58,000 --> 00:10:59,440
Some things speak for themselves.
263
00:10:59,440 --> 00:11:03,360
I'm Val. Your son dated my daughter for a brief, horrific time.
264
00:11:03,360 --> 00:11:06,400
- Hey, it wasn't brief.
- That's not what she said.
265
00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:07,920
- Errol!
- Nice one.
266
00:11:07,920 --> 00:11:10,920
- Dad, Val here is divorced.
- Oh.
267
00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:13,000
There's nobody better to tell you
268
00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:15,960
about the long painful road...
269
00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:17,480
back to happiness.
270
00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:19,560
"Don't listen to your children" is rule number one.
271
00:11:21,160 --> 00:11:23,200
- Nice ball bag.
- Takes one to know one.
272
00:11:27,600 --> 00:11:30,280
- PULSATING MUSIC
- You wanted men... Voila.
273
00:11:30,280 --> 00:11:32,480
Is it OK us being here? My best friend Craig
274
00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:35,800
says it's quite annoying when hen dos rock up at gay clubs.
275
00:11:35,800 --> 00:11:38,720
Yeah, it's like I said I was hungry and you brought me waxed fruit.
276
00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:41,920
- Oh, my God, Sam.
- Gwen, hi.
- Hi.
277
00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:45,200
This is Veronica, Tiffany and my mum, Jane.
278
00:11:45,200 --> 00:11:48,560
Holy shit. You're Andy's mum. I always thought he was an orphan.
279
00:11:48,560 --> 00:11:51,120
- Why would you think that?
- He never spoke about his parents.
280
00:11:51,120 --> 00:11:54,160
Anyway, welcome to Sober Saturday.
281
00:11:54,160 --> 00:11:55,840
- Sober Saturday?
- A once-a-year event.
282
00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:57,200
All money goes to AA,
283
00:11:57,200 --> 00:11:59,360
and Casper makes a mean Virgin Mary.
284
00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:01,000
Yum!
285
00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:02,960
So, Andy never mentioned our parents?
286
00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:05,280
Actually, I'm getting a headache. Maybe we should go?
287
00:12:05,280 --> 00:12:07,560
- Oh, no, no, no, stay, please.
- Yeah, let's stay.
288
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:09,960
Gwen can tell us all her best Andy stories.
289
00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:12,000
That shouldn't take long.
290
00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:16,600
Who is ready to see what a real strike looks like?
291
00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:19,840
Well, you've already shown us a knockout.
292
00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:21,320
Dad...
293
00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:24,280
..you realise Val's a man?
294
00:12:24,280 --> 00:12:27,320
Expand your mind, son.
295
00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:29,480
Val is a sexual being.
296
00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:32,360
I don't care which side of the pommel horse they land on
297
00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:35,400
as long as somebody's getting pommelled.
298
00:12:36,800 --> 00:12:39,400
It's my round. Come and help, Roly.
299
00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:40,640
A trip to the bar.
300
00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:43,600
It's no trip around Europe, but it's a start.
301
00:12:44,920 --> 00:12:46,760
You're on a streak tonight, Roly.
302
00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:51,240
- What are you playing at?
- Er, it's called bowling.
303
00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:52,760
I'm talking about Roly's trip.
304
00:12:52,760 --> 00:12:55,360
- Keep...out.
- Why?
305
00:12:55,360 --> 00:12:57,280
Never hurts to broaden your horizons.
306
00:12:57,280 --> 00:12:59,520
You know, I was going to give him 500 for a new laptop,
307
00:12:59,520 --> 00:13:02,560
but if he wants to spend it on a trip, I'm cool with that.
308
00:13:02,560 --> 00:13:05,120
I'm warning you, do not give him that money.
309
00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:07,200
It's my money. I can do what I like.
310
00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:09,960
Bruce, I was starting to like you.
311
00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:11,840
Shut the fuck up, Ben.
312
00:13:11,840 --> 00:13:12,920
What?
313
00:13:12,920 --> 00:13:14,320
Big Lebowski.
314
00:13:14,320 --> 00:13:17,000
You know. "Shut the fuck up, Donny."
315
00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:19,320
I'm going to see if they need a hand at the bar.
316
00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:22,720
Oh, oh, oh, strike!
317
00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:25,440
And that...is how it's done.
318
00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:30,280
Stop flirting with my dad.
319
00:13:30,280 --> 00:13:32,600
I brought you here so you could show him how shit divorce is,
320
00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:34,240
not slink around like Jessica Rabbit.
321
00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:36,800
Trust me, if I was flirting you'd know about it.
322
00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:41,000
Oh, and FYI, I'm more of a Cruella de Vil kind of girl.
323
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:43,840
Just leave him alone. I'm trying to save my parents' marriage.
324
00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:45,520
Oh, I get it.
325
00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:47,920
It's the guy in heels who's always the home-wrecker.
326
00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:50,480
- Look, that's not what...
- If you want to see flirting,
327
00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:52,200
I'll show you flirting.
328
00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:53,840
Who wants a Slippery Nipple?
329
00:13:55,360 --> 00:13:56,600
I've got two right here.
330
00:13:56,600 --> 00:13:57,760
'Anyway,'
331
00:13:57,760 --> 00:13:59,880
Andy starts texting, begging me for a date.
332
00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:03,600
I say no, until eventually he sends me pictures of...
333
00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:07,520
his pejazzled dong spelling, "You likey?"
334
00:14:07,520 --> 00:14:10,440
I wasn't impressed. But I was horny.
335
00:14:10,440 --> 00:14:13,040
And the rest, as they say, is internet history.
336
00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:16,080
- What's "pejazzled"?
- It's where you diamante your d...
337
00:14:16,080 --> 00:14:19,480
Did you hear that, Mum? Sounds like your precious Andy is a little bit of a sex pest.
338
00:14:19,480 --> 00:14:22,200
Andy's just artistic. Lord knows he didn't get it from me.
339
00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:25,160
Creativity skips the women in this family.
340
00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:28,440
Wow, Ben just took me to a Yo! Sushi for our first date.
341
00:14:28,440 --> 00:14:30,960
Really? He took Sam to a concert in Paris on theirs.
342
00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:33,240
Oh, yeah, but it was Muse, so it doesn't count.
343
00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:35,000
Wonder what the boys are up to.
344
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:37,520
I bet Andy's teaching them some hilarious drinking games.
345
00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:41,440
- Mum, you do know that Andy is sober now?
- Aww. That's so brave of him.
346
00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:43,240
You never said it was brave when I went clean.
347
00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:46,600
Cos you take after my side and the Abbotts never stay clean long.
348
00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:48,960
I mean, look at your Uncle Frank, God rest his rotten soul.
349
00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:52,480
There's no shame, but you mark my words, you're not done.
350
00:14:52,480 --> 00:14:55,680
Caught her snorting sherbet when she was five.
351
00:14:55,680 --> 00:14:58,520
Ooh, off to powder her nose!
352
00:15:00,920 --> 00:15:02,280
I need to get Val out of here.
353
00:15:02,280 --> 00:15:04,440
He's putting such a smile on Grandad's face.
354
00:15:04,440 --> 00:15:07,920
It's not his face I'm worried about. Also, stop messing your dad and Bruce about.
355
00:15:07,920 --> 00:15:10,240
You're jealous that I know how to play the divorce game.
356
00:15:10,240 --> 00:15:12,760
Behold the puppet master. I am Geppetto.
357
00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:15,480
Trust me, you're Pinocchio all day.
358
00:15:15,480 --> 00:15:18,080
Now, help me get rid of Val or I'm telling your dad and Bruce.
359
00:15:18,080 --> 00:15:20,080
Like they'd ever believe you.
360
00:15:20,080 --> 00:15:23,040
Wait, wait, wait, wait. I have a cunning plan.
361
00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:25,600
Sam, are you all right?
362
00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:29,000
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's just all the cologne making my eyes water.
363
00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:32,040
Bloody Jean Paul Gaultier.
364
00:15:32,040 --> 00:15:33,360
Come here.
365
00:15:33,360 --> 00:15:34,800
Everybody out!
366
00:15:37,360 --> 00:15:40,320
- Seriously, what's up?
- Oh, it's just...my mother is a monster!
367
00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:42,760
- What's going on?
- Sam wants to kill her mum.
368
00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:45,640
She thinks that Andy's the best thing since boxed wine.
369
00:15:45,640 --> 00:15:48,080
I know the feeling. The only reason Dad put me in charge tonight
370
00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:50,600
is cos it's Sober Saturday and he knew it would be dead.
371
00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:52,440
Mummy made me ride a pony until I was 16,
372
00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:54,800
even though I was clearly ready for a full-size horse at 12.
373
00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:56,040
PHONE BUZZES
374
00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:00,600
What do you want?
375
00:16:00,600 --> 00:16:01,840
Who says I want anything?
376
00:16:01,840 --> 00:16:03,920
Can't a guy just call his favourite gal pal?
377
00:16:03,920 --> 00:16:06,160
- I'm hanging up now.
- 'No, wait.'
378
00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:07,760
I need a favour.
379
00:16:07,760 --> 00:16:09,560
'Can you call Val and say there's a problem'
380
00:16:09,560 --> 00:16:11,760
down the club and he needs to come back immediately?
381
00:16:11,760 --> 00:16:14,240
On the first night my dad's ever left me fully in charge
382
00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:16,240
'you want me to tell him I can't take the heat'
383
00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:19,400
just so I can help YOU get out of a stupid situation you got yourself into?
384
00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:21,520
- I knew you'd understand.
- 'I'll do it,'
385
00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:24,240
if you tell your mum she needs to treat Sam better
386
00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:25,560
and that you're a shit son.
387
00:16:25,560 --> 00:16:26,720
Fine.
388
00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:28,520
Wait, how do you know I've got a mum?
389
00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:30,120
- Wanker!
390
00:16:31,560 --> 00:16:33,760
NEVILLE CHUCKLES
391
00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:37,240
You're just in time to see me pound the pins.
392
00:16:37,240 --> 00:16:40,040
I'll give you a hand with your stroke.
393
00:16:41,880 --> 00:16:42,920
Come here.
394
00:16:42,920 --> 00:16:46,280
Sorry, mate. Hope my sneeze didn't throw you off.
395
00:16:46,280 --> 00:16:47,520
No worries.
396
00:16:48,560 --> 00:16:52,960
Hey, Roly, I'm going to pay for your trip. The whole shebang.
397
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:55,280
- Really?
- No. No.
398
00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:57,360
I'll... I'll pay for it.
399
00:16:57,360 --> 00:17:00,280
I have an idea. Roly, why don't you pick who YOU want to pay for it?
400
00:17:00,280 --> 00:17:01,680
- PHONE RINGS
- Oh. Hello.
401
00:17:01,680 --> 00:17:04,240
- Well, this shouldn't be a contest
- Roly?
402
00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:06,400
Oh, it's my go.
403
00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:10,120
Yeah, yeah, I'll be right there. Got to go, guys. Security issue at Cox.
404
00:17:10,120 --> 00:17:11,680
That's a shame
405
00:17:11,680 --> 00:17:14,960
- We could come with you.
- I'm sure Val probably needs to deal with this alone.
406
00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:18,840
I'm with Grandad. It wouldn't be a proper divorce stag do if we all split up, would it?
407
00:17:20,600 --> 00:17:23,920
- Just let her know how you feel.
- Yeah, we've got your back, Sam.
408
00:17:23,920 --> 00:17:25,800
All right, here goes nothing.
409
00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:28,320
Oh, hell, no!
410
00:17:28,320 --> 00:17:29,520
Oh, hey, babe.
411
00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:33,240
Look, I've found the only straight one. I'm giving him a little reiki.
412
00:17:33,240 --> 00:17:35,320
You get your hands off my boyfriend!
413
00:17:35,320 --> 00:17:37,840
Calm down, babe. I'm just being friendly for tips.
414
00:17:37,840 --> 00:17:39,760
I bet your tip's plenty friendly.
415
00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:41,400
Babe, she's Andy's mum!
416
00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:43,360
Urgh, what?! Urgh!
417
00:17:43,360 --> 00:17:44,600
I thought Andy was an orphan.
418
00:17:44,600 --> 00:17:46,680
Why do people keep saying that?
419
00:17:46,680 --> 00:17:49,000
- Mum, there's something I need to say.
- What's going on?
420
00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:52,760
Oh, yeah, ooh...Andy made me lie to get you here.
421
00:17:52,760 --> 00:17:55,840
Now I've done my part of the deal, I think he has something to say to you, Jane.
422
00:17:55,840 --> 00:17:57,120
Er... The...
423
00:17:57,120 --> 00:18:00,520
The thing that I wanted to say...
424
00:18:00,520 --> 00:18:02,480
is that...um...Errol has been playing
425
00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:05,440
Bruce and Ben off like mugs to get them to pay for his Euro trip.
426
00:18:05,440 --> 00:18:06,760
N-No...
427
00:18:06,760 --> 00:18:09,720
- No. Does...does that sound like me?
- Pretty much, yeah.
428
00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:12,160
Well, Mum and Andy are doing the world's shittest Parent Trap.
429
00:18:12,160 --> 00:18:14,560
- Liar!
- Bruce, I told you not to get involved.
430
00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:16,040
He's not your kid.
431
00:18:16,040 --> 00:18:19,080
Ben, we're all co-parenting here.
432
00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:21,880
And why didn't you take ME to Paris on our first date?
433
00:18:21,880 --> 00:18:23,160
Have you got cold feet?
434
00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:25,000
What?
435
00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:26,840
Can we...talk about this later?
436
00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:29,360
I can't believe you're Andy's mum. I always thought he was a...
437
00:18:29,360 --> 00:18:32,040
If you say "orphan" I swear I'll shank you, lady.
438
00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:34,040
- Don't you talk to Val like that, or...
- Or what?
439
00:18:34,040 --> 00:18:36,080
You haven't got the guts to follow through.
440
00:18:36,080 --> 00:18:38,840
You know who's got a lovely follow-through? Roger Federer.
441
00:18:38,840 --> 00:18:40,960
How's this for follow-through?
442
00:18:40,960 --> 00:18:42,400
Oh, yeah?
443
00:18:44,160 --> 00:18:48,680
Argh! Can everyone just stop before my eyes start bleeding?!
444
00:18:48,680 --> 00:18:51,280
After all I did for you...
445
00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:53,440
Gave you 39 years, got you off the street,
446
00:18:53,440 --> 00:18:56,120
gave up my singing career for you, and now you're leaving me?
447
00:18:56,120 --> 00:18:57,360
Career?!
448
00:18:57,360 --> 00:19:01,560
You've played to picket lines and working men's clubs for pork scratchings.
449
00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:03,600
You were never a real folk singer,
450
00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:05,440
you...disco lover!
451
00:19:05,440 --> 00:19:08,320
I gave up my childhood to be your wife.
452
00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:11,760
So it was my fault I was the only guy on the estate stand-up enough to marry
453
00:19:11,760 --> 00:19:13,600
the pregnant teenager?
454
00:19:13,600 --> 00:19:16,240
Didn't even know if it was mine. Still don't!
455
00:19:17,560 --> 00:19:19,400
And by "it", do you mean me?
456
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:21,840
Let's face it, you hardly look like your brother,
457
00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:23,320
and you don't look a thing like me.
458
00:19:23,320 --> 00:19:26,520
Sam, it's not true. We've got the same eyes and...
459
00:19:27,560 --> 00:19:28,600
..roots.
460
00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:33,160
So that's why you treat me like shit? Because I'm the mistake? Me?
461
00:19:34,360 --> 00:19:36,920
Do you think it was easy growing up with parents like you?
462
00:19:36,920 --> 00:19:38,920
Always screaming and drinking
463
00:19:38,920 --> 00:19:43,320
and dumping us on mental relatives and leaving us alone for days?
464
00:19:43,320 --> 00:19:44,680
Can you blame me?
465
00:19:44,680 --> 00:19:47,120
You were like raising that girl from The Exorcist.
466
00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:50,040
You make Cersei Lannister look like Mary Berry!
467
00:19:50,040 --> 00:19:53,000
It's a miracle that I've done anything with my life.
468
00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:57,360
OK, I had a little addiction problem back there, but look at my role models.
469
00:19:57,360 --> 00:19:59,720
But still, I had a son,
470
00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:01,080
I got my master's,
471
00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:03,880
I am fighting cancer, and I nearly
472
00:20:03,880 --> 00:20:08,160
died on an operating table, but you still favour Andy!
473
00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:09,880
The single...
474
00:20:09,880 --> 00:20:14,440
30-something musician who lives in my fucking basement!
475
00:20:14,440 --> 00:20:16,320
Garden flat.
476
00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:18,280
You've always treated me like the fuck-up,
477
00:20:18,280 --> 00:20:21,760
but it's him, Mum, it's always been him. He's just like you.
478
00:20:21,760 --> 00:20:24,960
Oh... Shit!
479
00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:26,200
- Sam...
480
00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:27,800
I think we should go home.
481
00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:33,200
- You stay out of this, Brian.
- It's Bruce, Mum! It's fucking Bruce!
482
00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:36,520
And I'm Maggie Gyllenhaal!
483
00:20:36,520 --> 00:20:38,520
And you don't deserve Maggie.
484
00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:40,520
So you get Jake.
485
00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:45,400
Right... How about a round of shots on the house?
486
00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:48,240
- But it's Sober Saturday.
- We've had a report of an incident.
487
00:20:48,240 --> 00:20:52,960
Finally! Something that can get my mind off this palaver.
488
00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:55,160
Let's see what you're working with, hot stuff.
489
00:20:57,640 --> 00:20:59,600
DOOR CLANGS KEYS JANGLE
490
00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:09,360
Can you give us a minute?
491
00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:15,160
DOOR SLAMS
492
00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:23,200
Mum, there's some things...some things that I said, I didn't mean...
493
00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:24,720
Don't worry.
494
00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:26,360
Already forgotten.
495
00:21:26,360 --> 00:21:29,280
- Mum.
- I mean it. I'm fine.
496
00:21:30,720 --> 00:21:32,480
You've got a mouth on you.
497
00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:34,120
You get it from me.
498
00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:36,920
There's that look.
499
00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:39,040
- What look?
- You know.
500
00:21:39,040 --> 00:21:41,320
The look that sees right through me.
501
00:21:42,320 --> 00:21:44,760
You're right. I'm a shit mum.
502
00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:51,160
I was a child when I had you and I...I never caught up.
503
00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:53,600
And you had much higher parenting expectations than Andy.
504
00:21:53,600 --> 00:21:57,280
I only shower him with attention cos he always acts so helpless.
505
00:21:57,280 --> 00:21:58,720
He's like a rescue dog.
506
00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:02,640
Happy to be fed and have his balls within reach.
507
00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:07,240
I'd like to say I can change, but I don't think I can.
508
00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:08,960
I don't have your strength.
509
00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:13,000
I'm not expecting you to change. I just... I just want to know that you care.
510
00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:15,800
You think I don't care about your cancer?
511
00:22:17,760 --> 00:22:20,040
Your dad will tell you, it's destroying me.
512
00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:23,600
I'm the one who should be sick.
513
00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:25,920
Jesus, I smoke while I'm on the sunbed!
514
00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:28,440
I'm proud of you.
515
00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:29,880
I love you to death.
516
00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:37,120
Maybe not the best choice of words for a cancer patient.
517
00:22:37,120 --> 00:22:38,440
But thanks.
518
00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:45,160
So...who is my father?
519
00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:47,360
It's Neville.
520
00:22:47,360 --> 00:22:49,400
Probably.
521
00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:50,880
Well, I hope it is.
522
00:22:52,120 --> 00:22:53,920
Cos the other options ain't good.
523
00:22:55,480 --> 00:22:57,680
Dad, Bruce, I'm...
524
00:22:57,680 --> 00:22:59,640
sorry for the way I behaved.
525
00:22:59,640 --> 00:23:02,840
After the divorce, I realised everyone just wanted to keep me happy,
526
00:23:02,840 --> 00:23:05,880
so I took advantage of that.
527
00:23:05,880 --> 00:23:08,000
And now I'm ready for my punishment.
528
00:23:08,000 --> 00:23:10,080
What do you think, Bruce?
529
00:23:10,080 --> 00:23:13,040
Oh, you could clean Andy's flat.
530
00:23:13,040 --> 00:23:16,800
- Ha-ha, funny one, Veronica!
- Actually, that's a great idea.
531
00:23:16,800 --> 00:23:19,440
No. Please. Anything but that.
532
00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:22,880
Dad, does that sound fair to you?
533
00:23:22,880 --> 00:23:24,520
I'm doing it again, aren't I?
534
00:23:27,720 --> 00:23:29,440
Sorry I kissed you, Val.
535
00:23:29,440 --> 00:23:32,640
It's OK. It was worth it just for the look on Andy's face.
536
00:23:32,640 --> 00:23:34,800
But if you ever try that again without my consent,
537
00:23:34,800 --> 00:23:38,080
I will cut your prostate out with a rusty tin lid.
538
00:23:38,080 --> 00:23:40,400
You get sexier by the minute.
539
00:23:44,720 --> 00:23:47,840
How am I ever supposed to make a relationship work
540
00:23:47,840 --> 00:23:49,880
if I can't even keep my own family together?
541
00:23:49,880 --> 00:23:51,360
Oh, shut up.
542
00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:54,880
- Why are you smiling?
- Every time you tell me to shut up
543
00:23:54,880 --> 00:23:58,240
it means you're just about to lay down some serious wisdom on me and fix everything.
544
00:23:58,240 --> 00:24:00,640
I'm not your fairy godmother, Andy.
545
00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:02,040
You're a big boy.
546
00:24:03,400 --> 00:24:04,600
Fix your own life.
547
00:24:11,360 --> 00:24:13,240
Fix my own life?
548
00:24:13,240 --> 00:24:14,280
Yeah.
549
00:24:16,200 --> 00:24:18,440
Nice one, Val.
550
00:24:18,440 --> 00:24:20,160
FOOTSTEPS
551
00:24:24,400 --> 00:24:27,360
Andy, I am so sorry. I didn't mean those...
552
00:24:27,360 --> 00:24:29,240
horrible things I said.
553
00:24:29,240 --> 00:24:32,120
Of course you did. I don't blame you.
554
00:24:32,120 --> 00:24:34,560
I was just angry with Mum and it spilled over.
555
00:24:35,720 --> 00:24:38,760
Maggie Gyllenhaal is consistent, but who am I kidding?
556
00:24:38,760 --> 00:24:41,000
She's never done anything as good as Nightcrawler.
557
00:24:41,000 --> 00:24:43,080
On the other hand...
558
00:24:43,080 --> 00:24:46,320
Maggie doesn't need to apologise for Prince Of Persia.
559
00:24:46,320 --> 00:24:47,440
Or Bubble Boy.
560
00:24:50,360 --> 00:24:53,440
Still, I think I am going to ask Dad to take a paternity test with me,
561
00:24:53,440 --> 00:24:55,120
you know, just so we know...
562
00:24:55,120 --> 00:24:57,360
Shut up! All right? You're not doing it.
563
00:24:57,360 --> 00:24:58,920
It doesn't matter what the test says.
564
00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:01,800
You're my sister, he's your father. You don't need a test to prove...
565
00:25:04,440 --> 00:25:06,360
I love you, Jake.
566
00:25:06,360 --> 00:25:08,560
Right back at you, Maggie.
567
00:25:10,080 --> 00:25:13,280
Isn't it weird, you and Dad travelling back together after everything?
568
00:25:13,280 --> 00:25:16,680
No. It'll be months before we can move out.
569
00:25:16,680 --> 00:25:20,480
39 years' worth of CDs and sex toys won't separate themselves.
570
00:25:20,480 --> 00:25:23,840
Who knows? A lot can happen in that time.
571
00:25:23,840 --> 00:25:28,400
One thing's for sure - this family can take a bigger pounding than a rhino vag.
572
00:25:28,400 --> 00:25:30,440
Here you go. Don't tell your sister.
573
00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:31,960
Mum, I'm not a boy any more.
574
00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:34,160
You know, when I watch milf porn, it's not a fetish,
575
00:25:34,160 --> 00:25:36,080
it's just age-appropriate.
576
00:25:36,080 --> 00:25:40,480
And as much as I love all the special attention, I am a bad son.
577
00:25:41,480 --> 00:25:46,080
I never call, I never send birthday cards. Sam's the good one.
578
00:25:46,080 --> 00:25:47,560
Whoa!
579
00:25:47,560 --> 00:25:50,480
I'll forgive you just this once.
580
00:25:50,480 --> 00:25:54,880
But...I think that you should stop taking it easy on me.
581
00:25:54,880 --> 00:25:57,880
The reason I give up on relationships is because you and Dad...
582
00:25:57,880 --> 00:25:59,680
you never made me work for anything.
583
00:25:59,680 --> 00:26:01,320
I want you to tell it like it is.
584
00:26:01,320 --> 00:26:02,360
OK.
585
00:26:03,440 --> 00:26:05,200
You're talented, but your music's soft.
586
00:26:05,200 --> 00:26:07,920
You need to start dyeing your hair, cos you're going grey.
587
00:26:07,920 --> 00:26:10,800
And stop blaming other people for your problems...
588
00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:12,760
Mum, got it! Save some for later!
589
00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:24,200
You know, when I found out your mum was pregnant,
590
00:26:24,200 --> 00:26:26,160
I didn't want to run away like my father did.
591
00:26:26,160 --> 00:26:29,480
And I could see she didn't have any decent men in her life, so...
592
00:26:31,200 --> 00:26:32,440
..I stayed.
593
00:26:32,440 --> 00:26:34,160
But then you were born.
594
00:26:34,160 --> 00:26:37,560
And I saw you there, all pink and smiling.
595
00:26:37,560 --> 00:26:42,520
That wisp of hair like duckling fluff on the top of your head.
596
00:26:42,520 --> 00:26:44,600
And I fell in love.
597
00:26:44,600 --> 00:26:46,080
With both of you.
598
00:26:46,080 --> 00:26:50,960
You know, you'll always be my special girl.
599
00:26:52,480 --> 00:26:53,720
I love you, Dad.
600
00:26:53,720 --> 00:26:55,680
I love you, too, sweetie.
601
00:26:56,960 --> 00:26:58,600
I'm a bit old for pocket money.
602
00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:02,640
Your mum wanted me to give you this to get your roots done.
603
00:27:02,640 --> 00:27:04,320
- Oh!
- Take it,
604
00:27:04,320 --> 00:27:05,640
or I'll never hear the end of it.
605
00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:10,520
Bye, handsome. And if you ever need money,
606
00:27:10,520 --> 00:27:12,920
- you call your Grandma Jane.
- Thank you.
607
00:27:12,920 --> 00:27:15,440
But I'm going to start to trying to earn things on my own from now.
608
00:27:15,440 --> 00:27:18,040
And if that doesn't work out, I'll just start a crowdfunding page.
609
00:27:18,040 --> 00:27:20,160
You take care of my baby, Bruce.
610
00:27:20,160 --> 00:27:21,400
I promise I will...Jenny.
611
00:27:21,400 --> 00:27:22,800
It's Jane!
612
00:27:22,800 --> 00:27:24,120
I know.
613
00:27:31,160 --> 00:27:32,560
I'm a quick learner,
614
00:27:32,560 --> 00:27:34,920
I'm an excellent problem-solver
615
00:27:34,920 --> 00:27:37,000
and quite the people person.
616
00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:39,880
But most importantly, I'm a very good liar.
617
00:27:43,000 --> 00:27:44,440
You're hired.
618
00:27:44,440 --> 00:27:45,760
Welcome to Carpet Brothers.
619
00:27:45,760 --> 00:27:46,800
'Ladies...'
620
00:27:46,800 --> 00:27:48,920
I've had a lot of fun with all of you.
621
00:27:48,920 --> 00:27:51,200
But I need to pick just one of you.
622
00:27:51,200 --> 00:27:55,200
And there's only one way to make such an important decision.
623
00:27:57,680 --> 00:27:59,320
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe
624
00:27:59,320 --> 00:28:00,920
Catch a tiger by the toe
625
00:28:00,920 --> 00:28:03,280
If it hollers, let it go
626
00:28:03,280 --> 00:28:05,080
Eeny, meeny, miny... DOORBELL
627
00:28:07,960 --> 00:28:09,680
..moe.
628
00:28:09,680 --> 00:28:12,560
# Throw me
629
00:28:12,560 --> 00:28:15,800
# No more bones and I will tell you no lies
630
00:28:15,800 --> 00:28:18,520
# This time
631
00:28:18,520 --> 00:28:20,080
# You know I'll leave
632
00:28:20,080 --> 00:28:22,040
# Here's to taking what you came for
633
00:28:22,040 --> 00:28:25,160
# And here's to running off the pain
634
00:28:25,160 --> 00:28:27,800
# And here's to just another no man
635
00:28:27,800 --> 00:28:29,080
# If you want another
636
00:28:29,080 --> 00:28:30,880
# Say you need another... #
50767
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