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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:05,000 - 'Southbridge Comprehensive. How can I help?' - Hello. This is Herbert Jones, 2 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:07,520 and I work for the Bone Marrow Registry 3 00:00:07,520 --> 00:00:11,000 of England and Wales. 4 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:13,840 I am trying to get in contact with one of your former teachers, 5 00:00:13,840 --> 00:00:17,280 a Miss...Melodie Thomas. 6 00:00:17,280 --> 00:00:20,680 It seems that she may be a potential match for one of our patients. 7 00:00:20,680 --> 00:00:23,760 'Sorry, we can't give out any personal information.' 8 00:00:23,760 --> 00:00:27,040 Oh. Well, that's fine. I'm sure our patient will understand... 9 00:00:27,040 --> 00:00:28,720 when they're dead! 10 00:00:33,480 --> 00:00:35,280 HE TAPS ON KEYBOARD 11 00:00:35,280 --> 00:00:36,520 What do you think would be 12 00:00:36,520 --> 00:00:38,880 a nice present for your mum 13 00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:40,760 when she finishes radiotherapy? 14 00:00:40,760 --> 00:00:44,240 Hello? Veronica just asked you a que... Would you mind not using that 15 00:00:44,240 --> 00:00:45,520 at the breakfast table? 16 00:00:45,520 --> 00:00:48,160 Actually, I would. I've found an amazing deal for my Euro trip. 17 00:00:48,160 --> 00:00:50,720 And it's going to be gone in a couple of minutes unless we act now. 18 00:00:50,720 --> 00:00:52,120 What Euro trip? 19 00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:53,360 The one for my 16th birthday. 20 00:00:53,360 --> 00:00:56,960 I've found a package that takes me to Barcelona, Rome, Athens, Istanbul, Munich 21 00:00:56,960 --> 00:00:59,680 and Stockholm, home of the world's largest Ikea. 22 00:00:59,680 --> 00:01:01,720 And it's only £2,500. 23 00:01:01,720 --> 00:01:04,440 - Can I use your credit card? I already know the number. - Definitely not. 24 00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:06,920 What 16-year-old goes alone on a trip round Europe? 25 00:01:06,920 --> 00:01:09,360 Malala won a Nobel prize when she was 16. 26 00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:11,400 It was the Peace Prize. They give that to anyone. 27 00:01:11,400 --> 00:01:14,320 If you don't want me to go alone, I can always just ask Murray Thomas. 28 00:01:14,320 --> 00:01:17,640 His crippling sleep apnoea has nearly cleared up now. 29 00:01:17,640 --> 00:01:19,680 You get straight As in your GCSEs, then we'll talk. 30 00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:20,840 That's not fair. 31 00:01:20,840 --> 00:01:23,200 I'm bored of formal education. I'm trying to enrich myself. 32 00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:26,920 If you feel that strongly about it, you're old enough to get a job and pay for the trip yourself. 33 00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:29,240 A job? You want ME to get a job? 34 00:01:29,240 --> 00:01:31,640 Me? A rebel thinker? 35 00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:33,280 Hands of a Victorian lady? 36 00:01:33,280 --> 00:01:35,560 Do I look like I'm built for hard labour? 37 00:01:35,560 --> 00:01:38,640 I'm not ordering you down the mines. What century are you living in? 38 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:41,360 Why don't you just... blog for money or something? 39 00:01:41,360 --> 00:01:43,280 Ha! You think writing pays money? 40 00:01:43,280 --> 00:01:44,960 What century are YOU living in? 41 00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:49,840 How do you know my credit card number? 42 00:01:49,840 --> 00:01:52,720 - Jesus, Andy! - What? You're just peeing. 43 00:01:52,720 --> 00:01:55,400 This had better be good. I was about to break my Wordament high score. 44 00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:59,200 I can't decide which guitar to use for the song that I'm writing. 45 00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:00,720 Have you ever heard of Old Black? 46 00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:02,760 Don't tell me that's what you call Bruce's penis. 47 00:02:02,760 --> 00:02:04,200 No, that's Will Smith II. 48 00:02:04,200 --> 00:02:06,080 No, I'm talking about Neil Young's guitar. 49 00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:09,360 - What do you know about Neil Young's...? - The TV was stuck on BBC Four one night. 50 00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:11,080 Neil's had Old Black for, like, 40 years, 51 00:02:11,080 --> 00:02:13,320 even though she weighs a ton and gives him back pain. 52 00:02:13,320 --> 00:02:17,120 Now, why would Neil put up with that when he could buy any guitar in the world? 53 00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:18,720 Will Smith II? Seriously? 54 00:02:18,720 --> 00:02:22,680 It's because he's dedicated to her, for better or worse. 55 00:02:22,680 --> 00:02:24,920 That is why Neil's the kind of guy he is. 56 00:02:24,920 --> 00:02:26,960 He puts in the hours to make the relationship work. 57 00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:30,320 Can you see me settling down and getting married? 58 00:02:30,320 --> 00:02:32,960 We learn how to form healthy relationships from our parents. 59 00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:34,440 That's a yes. 60 00:02:34,440 --> 00:02:36,920 You're screwed. Now, get out. 61 00:02:36,920 --> 00:02:38,600 Hang on, are you hiding in here? 62 00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:40,640 No, I'm just enjoying my last moments of peace 63 00:02:40,640 --> 00:02:42,680 before Mum and Dad arrive from Spain tonight. 64 00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:46,280 - What are you stressed about? They're not that bad. - Oh, really, says the golden child? 65 00:02:46,280 --> 00:02:49,120 Meanwhile, I'm the one that has to smile while Mum criticises my hair 66 00:02:49,120 --> 00:02:51,320 and goes on about homoeopathic cures, 67 00:02:51,320 --> 00:02:54,120 and Dad boasts about his five seconds as a folk singer. 68 00:02:54,120 --> 00:02:57,280 And, yes, I've stocked up on booze, and, no, I haven't had any, 69 00:02:57,280 --> 00:02:59,080 and, no, I'm not going to tell you where it is. 70 00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:01,960 - You're no fun. - I know, but someone's got to be the adult in this family. 71 00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:03,040 DOORBELL 72 00:03:03,040 --> 00:03:05,080 Oh! God, they're early! Get out. 73 00:03:05,080 --> 00:03:06,760 Go. Shit. 74 00:03:06,760 --> 00:03:09,000 Ah! Look who's here. 75 00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:10,520 It's my rock star. 76 00:03:10,520 --> 00:03:13,040 Can you spare a kiss for your number-one fan? 77 00:03:13,040 --> 00:03:14,720 Or you can sign my tits if you prefer. 78 00:03:14,720 --> 00:03:16,160 Why do I have to choose? 79 00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:19,280 What do you think of my tan, eh? 80 00:03:19,280 --> 00:03:20,720 It's nice. 81 00:03:20,720 --> 00:03:21,920 Full coverage. 82 00:03:21,920 --> 00:03:25,400 Yeah. The neighbours enjoyed the full view, didn't they, Jane? 83 00:03:25,400 --> 00:03:27,200 Look at that face. 84 00:03:27,200 --> 00:03:29,520 If I had a mug like that, I'd never leave the house. 85 00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:33,760 I'd just stand naked in the mirror, loving myself all day. 86 00:03:33,760 --> 00:03:36,720 Loving yourself has never really been your problem, has it, Neville? 87 00:03:36,720 --> 00:03:37,920 NEVILLE CHUCKLES 88 00:03:37,920 --> 00:03:40,640 Oh! And here's my cancer warrior. 89 00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:43,040 Honk-honk! Hello, girls! They're looking perky. 90 00:03:43,040 --> 00:03:45,240 Yeah, well, the radiation therapy can cause... 91 00:03:45,240 --> 00:03:48,240 Radiation! You only had stage two. 92 00:03:48,240 --> 00:03:50,000 Why are you bothering with that rubbish? 93 00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:51,960 It'll just give you more cancer down the line. 94 00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:55,200 - Says the woman who smokes unfiltered cigarettes. - I offset it with homoeopathy. 95 00:03:55,200 --> 00:03:59,160 Speaking of, I've brought you some fluoride-of-lime tablets. 96 00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:02,160 I promise, you don't need any more of this radioactive mess. 97 00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:05,360 - It's just the medical industry trying to make money out of you. - Great 98 00:04:05,360 --> 00:04:08,680 - Now, what's going on with your roots? - So, you guys are early. 99 00:04:08,680 --> 00:04:10,880 Your mother thought we should surprise you. 100 00:04:10,880 --> 00:04:12,080 So... 101 00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:13,280 Surprise! 102 00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:15,840 And Brian's been looking after us lovely. 103 00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:17,000 He pours a mean Baileys. 104 00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:19,120 - Mum, it's Bruce. - Brian's cool, though. 105 00:04:19,120 --> 00:04:22,440 "I'm not the Messiah. I've been a very naughty boy!" 106 00:04:24,520 --> 00:04:25,600 Monty Python. 107 00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:29,080 Bruce, did you know that I once opened for Billy Bragg? 108 00:04:29,080 --> 00:04:31,360 - Oh, hello there. - Someone call the police - 109 00:04:31,360 --> 00:04:34,560 there's an illegally handsome young man on the premises. 110 00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:36,040 And Errol! 111 00:04:36,040 --> 00:04:37,520 When did you get so big? 112 00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:39,480 Oh, if I was 30 years younger... 113 00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:41,320 Jesus, Mum, he's your grandson. 114 00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:44,280 Oh, you're so uptight, Sammy. Now, let's have a look at this tattoo. 115 00:04:44,280 --> 00:04:46,240 Don't worry, when you get a bit older 116 00:04:46,240 --> 00:04:49,120 you can change it to something cool. Like "samurai". 117 00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:51,120 Ooh, I bought you a pressie. 118 00:04:53,840 --> 00:04:55,080 Thank you. 119 00:04:55,080 --> 00:04:57,400 - I thought you were coming later. - We couldn't wait 120 00:04:57,400 --> 00:04:59,680 to give everyone the big news. 121 00:05:00,640 --> 00:05:02,040 We're getting divorced. 122 00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:04,920 Could I get a top-up, Brian? 123 00:05:04,920 --> 00:05:06,200 Divorced?! 124 00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:08,320 Oh, do you know what this means? 125 00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:10,520 Yeah - one of them's going to be sleeping in Tiff's room, 126 00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:12,400 one of them's going to be sleeping in my room. 127 00:05:12,400 --> 00:05:14,680 I can't sleep in your Petri dish of a flat. 128 00:05:14,680 --> 00:05:16,360 No. If they're getting divorced, 129 00:05:16,360 --> 00:05:18,680 what chance do I have of being in a healthy relationship? 130 00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:20,560 They're literally my only role models. 131 00:05:20,560 --> 00:05:22,240 Relax. 132 00:05:22,240 --> 00:05:25,040 Divorce is a gift. Two parents fighting for attention, 133 00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:27,320 two bedrooms, two birthdays, two Christmases, 134 00:05:27,320 --> 00:05:28,960 twice the guilt. 135 00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:31,760 I'm an expert on divorce. I can teach you to get whatever you want. 136 00:05:31,760 --> 00:05:34,840 I want my mum and dad to stay married, and I'm going to keep them together, 137 00:05:34,840 --> 00:05:37,720 and if I can do that, then I can make any relationship work. 138 00:05:37,720 --> 00:05:40,120 I'm sorry, sweetie. I remember when my folks split up. 139 00:05:40,120 --> 00:05:42,640 Same week Ginger left the Spice Girls. 140 00:05:42,640 --> 00:05:44,480 - Dark times. - I don't care about them divorcing. 141 00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:47,120 - They should have done that years ago. - Then what is it? 142 00:05:47,120 --> 00:05:50,080 I thought that being sick would change things with Mum. 143 00:05:50,080 --> 00:05:52,600 But Andy's always going to be the Jake to my Maggie. 144 00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:54,360 - What? - Maggie Gyllenhaal. 145 00:05:54,360 --> 00:05:57,240 She's older and cooler but Jake gets all the attention because he's a boy. 146 00:05:57,240 --> 00:05:58,600 But she killed it in Secretary. 147 00:05:58,600 --> 00:06:00,560 I know! Argh! 148 00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:04,840 Just forget it. I'm a therapist, I'm not going to fall into any old traps. 149 00:06:04,840 --> 00:06:06,560 - That's my Sam. - But it's not fair! 150 00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:09,960 I'm the one with cancer! They should baby me at least a little bit. 151 00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:12,440 And that passive-aggressive shit with Mum calling you Brian! 152 00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:16,400 - She never would have done that with Ben! - I know. Don't worry. I'll set her straight. 153 00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:20,040 - Brian, where's the bottle opener? - Top drawer, next to the fridge. 154 00:06:23,280 --> 00:06:26,840 We should get a lock on the door. I can't have more idiots barging in and saying stupid shit. 155 00:06:26,840 --> 00:06:29,880 I'm stopping Mum and Dad from getting a divorce! Who's with me? 156 00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:38,560 I don't get it. What is the point in a divorce stag do? 157 00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:39,960 Simple reverse psychology. 158 00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:43,080 Once we remind Dad how shit it is being single, he'll run straight back to Mum. 159 00:06:43,080 --> 00:06:45,080 While you're throwing away the gift of a lifetime, 160 00:06:45,080 --> 00:06:47,000 I'll be twisting Dad and Bruce to my will. 161 00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:48,240 Go, divorce! 162 00:06:49,280 --> 00:06:53,640 Yeah, Dad, nothing says recently single like slippery wood and heavy balls. 163 00:06:53,640 --> 00:06:57,000 Don't worry, old-timer! We'll get through this together. 164 00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:58,840 You don't have to cheer me up, son. 165 00:06:58,840 --> 00:07:01,920 We're NOT cheering you up. 166 00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:03,720 We're celebrating your new life. 167 00:07:03,720 --> 00:07:06,760 Being single is my second-greatest achievement next to the time 168 00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:10,120 I came this close to touching a tit with my tongue. 169 00:07:10,120 --> 00:07:12,120 - Can I smell whisky? - Ben, get over here, 170 00:07:12,120 --> 00:07:15,760 you useless Tory twat! 171 00:07:15,760 --> 00:07:18,480 I missed you, too, you big lefty drunk! 172 00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:21,360 Hey, where's my hug, you...socialist alky? 173 00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:26,000 Classic bants there, Bruce The fun's already begun. 174 00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:27,720 Mum who? Am I right? 175 00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:31,360 Oh. Oooh. Get off. 176 00:07:31,360 --> 00:07:33,240 - Get... Oh! - Psycho? 177 00:07:33,240 --> 00:07:34,640 No... Er... 178 00:07:34,640 --> 00:07:37,000 Ooh. Ooh. Naughty. Get away. 179 00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:38,480 Fifty Shades Of Grey? 180 00:07:38,480 --> 00:07:39,600 Rarrrr! 181 00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:41,200 - The Revenant? - Yes! 182 00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:43,160 Ben's new wife's energetic. 183 00:07:43,160 --> 00:07:46,880 Oh, we're not married, but we have been engaged for...almost two years. 184 00:07:46,880 --> 00:07:48,680 All right, Tiff, you're up next. 185 00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:51,360 - Who's Tiff? - Me. I'm Bruce's ex-stepdaughter. 186 00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:53,680 - Who's Bruce? - BRIAN'S ex-stepdaughter. 187 00:07:53,680 --> 00:07:55,600 Oh, well, why didn't you say so? 188 00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:58,520 - What time does the stripper get here? - I keep saying, there is no stripper. 189 00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:00,160 Andy would have got me a stripper. 190 00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:02,720 Well, Andy's not here, and tonight is about sisterhood. 191 00:08:02,720 --> 00:08:04,320 We don't need a man to validate us. 192 00:08:04,320 --> 00:08:07,240 We are celebrating singledom and girl power. 193 00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:08,280 Who needs men, right? 194 00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:12,120 This soon-to-be divorcee who hasn't been on the market for 39 years, that's who. 195 00:08:12,120 --> 00:08:15,680 Come on, Jane, you just need some charades in your life. 196 00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:17,280 I'll give it a pass, thanks. 197 00:08:17,280 --> 00:08:19,120 Sounds like somebody's afraid of losing. 198 00:08:19,120 --> 00:08:21,160 I love losing. 199 00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:22,360 I lost my virginity twice. 200 00:08:22,360 --> 00:08:25,680 - Once in the V-hole and once in the A... - Another drink coming right up. 201 00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:28,480 I got it. A-hole. 202 00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:31,760 You're going to love being single. 203 00:08:31,760 --> 00:08:33,520 Goodbye, putting down the toilet seat. 204 00:08:33,520 --> 00:08:35,880 Goodbye, sharing the bed. Hello, online dating. 205 00:08:35,880 --> 00:08:38,040 We're going to have you swiping right 206 00:08:38,040 --> 00:08:41,600 faster than you can say, "Meaningless shag for one, please." 207 00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:45,920 Nothing beats the thrill of playing Russian roulette with your penis. 208 00:08:45,920 --> 00:08:48,600 You know, the over-50s have the fastest-growing rate of STDs. 209 00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:50,040 Interesting. 210 00:08:50,040 --> 00:08:53,080 Actually, Jane never took up much room in bed. 211 00:08:53,080 --> 00:08:55,240 And with my knees, I prefer to piss sitting down. 212 00:08:55,240 --> 00:08:57,640 And I was never one for meaningless sex. 213 00:08:57,640 --> 00:08:59,680 I guess I'm just a bit old-fashioned. 214 00:08:59,680 --> 00:09:02,880 Divorce is bad, but online dating's the worst. 215 00:09:02,880 --> 00:09:04,520 - What happened, anyway? - We just... 216 00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:07,280 ..grew apart. 217 00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:10,480 - Is it too late to fix it? - Why would he want to fix it? 218 00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:12,440 You're taking this much better than I thought. 219 00:09:12,440 --> 00:09:15,800 Your mum had this mad idea you'd have a meltdown and make it about you. 220 00:09:15,800 --> 00:09:18,000 BOTH LAUGH 221 00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:19,960 I just want to see my old man happy. 222 00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:24,240 And once you get over the soul-crushing loneliness of bachelorhood, 223 00:09:24,240 --> 00:09:26,440 it's all guns and roses. 224 00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:29,320 You're now free to go wherever you like. Unlike me. 225 00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:32,160 - Dad thinks I'm too young to see Europe. - I didn't say that. 226 00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:34,600 That's a bit harsh. I wish I'd travelled more when I was young. 227 00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:37,400 I used to get nosebleeds just going north of Waterloo. 228 00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:39,360 See? Bruce gets it. 229 00:09:39,360 --> 00:09:43,160 Anyway, back to Dad's great new life... We can go out on double dates. 230 00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:45,120 Father and son on the pull. 231 00:09:45,120 --> 00:09:48,080 If that doesn't get you running back to Jane, I don't know what will. 232 00:09:48,080 --> 00:09:49,400 Hmm. 233 00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:51,200 SHE EXHALES 234 00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:52,680 Penny for your thoughts? 235 00:09:52,680 --> 00:09:55,720 Oh, why can't she just be a normal mother? 236 00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:57,560 I know exactly what you mean. 237 00:09:57,560 --> 00:10:00,160 For my 18th birthday, Mummy bought me a Porsche 238 00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:02,480 when all I wanted was a Range Rover. 239 00:10:02,480 --> 00:10:05,160 - I never should have agreed to this. - Agreed to what? 240 00:10:05,160 --> 00:10:08,000 Andy wanted me to throw Mum a divorce hen do but make it extra boring 241 00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:10,520 so she'd go running back to Dad, which is the dumbest idea ever, 242 00:10:10,520 --> 00:10:12,480 but I thought it would be a chance for us to bond. 243 00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:13,680 It's fine. I'm a therapist. 244 00:10:13,680 --> 00:10:17,720 I know that looking to other people for self-worth is a losing battle. 245 00:10:17,720 --> 00:10:19,800 Wait, did you invite me because I'm boring? 246 00:10:19,800 --> 00:10:21,200 No. 247 00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:22,440 SHE EXHALES 248 00:10:22,440 --> 00:10:25,320 Look, if you want to show Andy who's boss, 249 00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:28,200 you should give her exactly what she wants. 250 00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:31,720 If she wants men, make it rain men. 251 00:10:31,720 --> 00:10:34,560 - Hello, boys! - Val! 252 00:10:34,560 --> 00:10:37,960 Andy's warned me who everyone is. Roly I know. 253 00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:40,200 You must be Ben, the prick ex-brother-in-law. 254 00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:42,600 Andy's only calling me a prick? 255 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:44,280 Someone's losing their edge. 256 00:10:44,280 --> 00:10:47,000 And you must be sweet, gullible Bruce. 257 00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:49,160 I can't believe you said I was gullible. 258 00:10:49,160 --> 00:10:51,480 - He didn't. - I see what you did there. 259 00:10:51,480 --> 00:10:54,000 And who's this big old grizzly bear? 260 00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:55,520 I'm Neville, Andy's dad. 261 00:10:55,520 --> 00:10:58,000 He failed to mention you, my dear. 262 00:10:58,000 --> 00:10:59,440 Some things speak for themselves. 263 00:10:59,440 --> 00:11:03,360 I'm Val. Your son dated my daughter for a brief, horrific time. 264 00:11:03,360 --> 00:11:06,400 - Hey, it wasn't brief. - That's not what she said. 265 00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:07,920 - Errol! - Nice one. 266 00:11:07,920 --> 00:11:10,920 - Dad, Val here is divorced. - Oh. 267 00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:13,000 There's nobody better to tell you 268 00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:15,960 about the long painful road... 269 00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:17,480 back to happiness. 270 00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:19,560 "Don't listen to your children" is rule number one. 271 00:11:21,160 --> 00:11:23,200 - Nice ball bag. - Takes one to know one. 272 00:11:27,600 --> 00:11:30,280 - PULSATING MUSIC - You wanted men... Voila. 273 00:11:30,280 --> 00:11:32,480 Is it OK us being here? My best friend Craig 274 00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:35,800 says it's quite annoying when hen dos rock up at gay clubs. 275 00:11:35,800 --> 00:11:38,720 Yeah, it's like I said I was hungry and you brought me waxed fruit. 276 00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:41,920 - Oh, my God, Sam. - Gwen, hi. - Hi. 277 00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:45,200 This is Veronica, Tiffany and my mum, Jane. 278 00:11:45,200 --> 00:11:48,560 Holy shit. You're Andy's mum. I always thought he was an orphan. 279 00:11:48,560 --> 00:11:51,120 - Why would you think that? - He never spoke about his parents. 280 00:11:51,120 --> 00:11:54,160 Anyway, welcome to Sober Saturday. 281 00:11:54,160 --> 00:11:55,840 - Sober Saturday? - A once-a-year event. 282 00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:57,200 All money goes to AA, 283 00:11:57,200 --> 00:11:59,360 and Casper makes a mean Virgin Mary. 284 00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:01,000 Yum! 285 00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:02,960 So, Andy never mentioned our parents? 286 00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:05,280 Actually, I'm getting a headache. Maybe we should go? 287 00:12:05,280 --> 00:12:07,560 - Oh, no, no, no, stay, please. - Yeah, let's stay. 288 00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:09,960 Gwen can tell us all her best Andy stories. 289 00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:12,000 That shouldn't take long. 290 00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:16,600 Who is ready to see what a real strike looks like? 291 00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:19,840 Well, you've already shown us a knockout. 292 00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:21,320 Dad... 293 00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:24,280 ..you realise Val's a man? 294 00:12:24,280 --> 00:12:27,320 Expand your mind, son. 295 00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:29,480 Val is a sexual being. 296 00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:32,360 I don't care which side of the pommel horse they land on 297 00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:35,400 as long as somebody's getting pommelled. 298 00:12:36,800 --> 00:12:39,400 It's my round. Come and help, Roly. 299 00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:40,640 A trip to the bar. 300 00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:43,600 It's no trip around Europe, but it's a start. 301 00:12:44,920 --> 00:12:46,760 You're on a streak tonight, Roly. 302 00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:51,240 - What are you playing at? - Er, it's called bowling. 303 00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:52,760 I'm talking about Roly's trip. 304 00:12:52,760 --> 00:12:55,360 - Keep...out. - Why? 305 00:12:55,360 --> 00:12:57,280 Never hurts to broaden your horizons. 306 00:12:57,280 --> 00:12:59,520 You know, I was going to give him 500 for a new laptop, 307 00:12:59,520 --> 00:13:02,560 but if he wants to spend it on a trip, I'm cool with that. 308 00:13:02,560 --> 00:13:05,120 I'm warning you, do not give him that money. 309 00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:07,200 It's my money. I can do what I like. 310 00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:09,960 Bruce, I was starting to like you. 311 00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:11,840 Shut the fuck up, Ben. 312 00:13:11,840 --> 00:13:12,920 What? 313 00:13:12,920 --> 00:13:14,320 Big Lebowski. 314 00:13:14,320 --> 00:13:17,000 You know. "Shut the fuck up, Donny." 315 00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:19,320 I'm going to see if they need a hand at the bar. 316 00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:22,720 Oh, oh, oh, strike! 317 00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:25,440 And that...is how it's done. 318 00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:30,280 Stop flirting with my dad. 319 00:13:30,280 --> 00:13:32,600 I brought you here so you could show him how shit divorce is, 320 00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:34,240 not slink around like Jessica Rabbit. 321 00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:36,800 Trust me, if I was flirting you'd know about it. 322 00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:41,000 Oh, and FYI, I'm more of a Cruella de Vil kind of girl. 323 00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:43,840 Just leave him alone. I'm trying to save my parents' marriage. 324 00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:45,520 Oh, I get it. 325 00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:47,920 It's the guy in heels who's always the home-wrecker. 326 00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:50,480 - Look, that's not what... - If you want to see flirting, 327 00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:52,200 I'll show you flirting. 328 00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:53,840 Who wants a Slippery Nipple? 329 00:13:55,360 --> 00:13:56,600 I've got two right here. 330 00:13:56,600 --> 00:13:57,760 'Anyway,' 331 00:13:57,760 --> 00:13:59,880 Andy starts texting, begging me for a date. 332 00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:03,600 I say no, until eventually he sends me pictures of... 333 00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:07,520 his pejazzled dong spelling, "You likey?" 334 00:14:07,520 --> 00:14:10,440 I wasn't impressed. But I was horny. 335 00:14:10,440 --> 00:14:13,040 And the rest, as they say, is internet history. 336 00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:16,080 - What's "pejazzled"? - It's where you diamante your d... 337 00:14:16,080 --> 00:14:19,480 Did you hear that, Mum? Sounds like your precious Andy is a little bit of a sex pest. 338 00:14:19,480 --> 00:14:22,200 Andy's just artistic. Lord knows he didn't get it from me. 339 00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:25,160 Creativity skips the women in this family. 340 00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:28,440 Wow, Ben just took me to a Yo! Sushi for our first date. 341 00:14:28,440 --> 00:14:30,960 Really? He took Sam to a concert in Paris on theirs. 342 00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:33,240 Oh, yeah, but it was Muse, so it doesn't count. 343 00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:35,000 Wonder what the boys are up to. 344 00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:37,520 I bet Andy's teaching them some hilarious drinking games. 345 00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:41,440 - Mum, you do know that Andy is sober now? - Aww. That's so brave of him. 346 00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:43,240 You never said it was brave when I went clean. 347 00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:46,600 Cos you take after my side and the Abbotts never stay clean long. 348 00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:48,960 I mean, look at your Uncle Frank, God rest his rotten soul. 349 00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:52,480 There's no shame, but you mark my words, you're not done. 350 00:14:52,480 --> 00:14:55,680 Caught her snorting sherbet when she was five. 351 00:14:55,680 --> 00:14:58,520 Ooh, off to powder her nose! 352 00:15:00,920 --> 00:15:02,280 I need to get Val out of here. 353 00:15:02,280 --> 00:15:04,440 He's putting such a smile on Grandad's face. 354 00:15:04,440 --> 00:15:07,920 It's not his face I'm worried about. Also, stop messing your dad and Bruce about. 355 00:15:07,920 --> 00:15:10,240 You're jealous that I know how to play the divorce game. 356 00:15:10,240 --> 00:15:12,760 Behold the puppet master. I am Geppetto. 357 00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:15,480 Trust me, you're Pinocchio all day. 358 00:15:15,480 --> 00:15:18,080 Now, help me get rid of Val or I'm telling your dad and Bruce. 359 00:15:18,080 --> 00:15:20,080 Like they'd ever believe you. 360 00:15:20,080 --> 00:15:23,040 Wait, wait, wait, wait. I have a cunning plan. 361 00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:25,600 Sam, are you all right? 362 00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:29,000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's just all the cologne making my eyes water. 363 00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:32,040 Bloody Jean Paul Gaultier. 364 00:15:32,040 --> 00:15:33,360 Come here. 365 00:15:33,360 --> 00:15:34,800 Everybody out! 366 00:15:37,360 --> 00:15:40,320 - Seriously, what's up? - Oh, it's just...my mother is a monster! 367 00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:42,760 - What's going on? - Sam wants to kill her mum. 368 00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:45,640 She thinks that Andy's the best thing since boxed wine. 369 00:15:45,640 --> 00:15:48,080 I know the feeling. The only reason Dad put me in charge tonight 370 00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:50,600 is cos it's Sober Saturday and he knew it would be dead. 371 00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:52,440 Mummy made me ride a pony until I was 16, 372 00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:54,800 even though I was clearly ready for a full-size horse at 12. 373 00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:56,040 PHONE BUZZES 374 00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:00,600 What do you want? 375 00:16:00,600 --> 00:16:01,840 Who says I want anything? 376 00:16:01,840 --> 00:16:03,920 Can't a guy just call his favourite gal pal? 377 00:16:03,920 --> 00:16:06,160 - I'm hanging up now. - 'No, wait.' 378 00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:07,760 I need a favour. 379 00:16:07,760 --> 00:16:09,560 'Can you call Val and say there's a problem' 380 00:16:09,560 --> 00:16:11,760 down the club and he needs to come back immediately? 381 00:16:11,760 --> 00:16:14,240 On the first night my dad's ever left me fully in charge 382 00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:16,240 'you want me to tell him I can't take the heat' 383 00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:19,400 just so I can help YOU get out of a stupid situation you got yourself into? 384 00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:21,520 - I knew you'd understand. - 'I'll do it,' 385 00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:24,240 if you tell your mum she needs to treat Sam better 386 00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:25,560 and that you're a shit son. 387 00:16:25,560 --> 00:16:26,720 Fine. 388 00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:28,520 Wait, how do you know I've got a mum? 389 00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:30,120 - Wanker! 390 00:16:31,560 --> 00:16:33,760 NEVILLE CHUCKLES 391 00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:37,240 You're just in time to see me pound the pins. 392 00:16:37,240 --> 00:16:40,040 I'll give you a hand with your stroke. 393 00:16:41,880 --> 00:16:42,920 Come here. 394 00:16:42,920 --> 00:16:46,280 Sorry, mate. Hope my sneeze didn't throw you off. 395 00:16:46,280 --> 00:16:47,520 No worries. 396 00:16:48,560 --> 00:16:52,960 Hey, Roly, I'm going to pay for your trip. The whole shebang. 397 00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:55,280 - Really? - No. No. 398 00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:57,360 I'll... I'll pay for it. 399 00:16:57,360 --> 00:17:00,280 I have an idea. Roly, why don't you pick who YOU want to pay for it? 400 00:17:00,280 --> 00:17:01,680 - PHONE RINGS - Oh. Hello. 401 00:17:01,680 --> 00:17:04,240 - Well, this shouldn't be a contest - Roly? 402 00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:06,400 Oh, it's my go. 403 00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:10,120 Yeah, yeah, I'll be right there. Got to go, guys. Security issue at Cox. 404 00:17:10,120 --> 00:17:11,680 That's a shame 405 00:17:11,680 --> 00:17:14,960 - We could come with you. - I'm sure Val probably needs to deal with this alone. 406 00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:18,840 I'm with Grandad. It wouldn't be a proper divorce stag do if we all split up, would it? 407 00:17:20,600 --> 00:17:23,920 - Just let her know how you feel. - Yeah, we've got your back, Sam. 408 00:17:23,920 --> 00:17:25,800 All right, here goes nothing. 409 00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:28,320 Oh, hell, no! 410 00:17:28,320 --> 00:17:29,520 Oh, hey, babe. 411 00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:33,240 Look, I've found the only straight one. I'm giving him a little reiki. 412 00:17:33,240 --> 00:17:35,320 You get your hands off my boyfriend! 413 00:17:35,320 --> 00:17:37,840 Calm down, babe. I'm just being friendly for tips. 414 00:17:37,840 --> 00:17:39,760 I bet your tip's plenty friendly. 415 00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:41,400 Babe, she's Andy's mum! 416 00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:43,360 Urgh, what?! Urgh! 417 00:17:43,360 --> 00:17:44,600 I thought Andy was an orphan. 418 00:17:44,600 --> 00:17:46,680 Why do people keep saying that? 419 00:17:46,680 --> 00:17:49,000 - Mum, there's something I need to say. - What's going on? 420 00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:52,760 Oh, yeah, ooh...Andy made me lie to get you here. 421 00:17:52,760 --> 00:17:55,840 Now I've done my part of the deal, I think he has something to say to you, Jane. 422 00:17:55,840 --> 00:17:57,120 Er... The... 423 00:17:57,120 --> 00:18:00,520 The thing that I wanted to say... 424 00:18:00,520 --> 00:18:02,480 is that...um...Errol has been playing 425 00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:05,440 Bruce and Ben off like mugs to get them to pay for his Euro trip. 426 00:18:05,440 --> 00:18:06,760 N-No... 427 00:18:06,760 --> 00:18:09,720 - No. Does...does that sound like me? - Pretty much, yeah. 428 00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:12,160 Well, Mum and Andy are doing the world's shittest Parent Trap. 429 00:18:12,160 --> 00:18:14,560 - Liar! - Bruce, I told you not to get involved. 430 00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:16,040 He's not your kid. 431 00:18:16,040 --> 00:18:19,080 Ben, we're all co-parenting here. 432 00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:21,880 And why didn't you take ME to Paris on our first date? 433 00:18:21,880 --> 00:18:23,160 Have you got cold feet? 434 00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:25,000 What? 435 00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:26,840 Can we...talk about this later? 436 00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:29,360 I can't believe you're Andy's mum. I always thought he was a... 437 00:18:29,360 --> 00:18:32,040 If you say "orphan" I swear I'll shank you, lady. 438 00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:34,040 - Don't you talk to Val like that, or... - Or what? 439 00:18:34,040 --> 00:18:36,080 You haven't got the guts to follow through. 440 00:18:36,080 --> 00:18:38,840 You know who's got a lovely follow-through? Roger Federer. 441 00:18:38,840 --> 00:18:40,960 How's this for follow-through? 442 00:18:40,960 --> 00:18:42,400 Oh, yeah? 443 00:18:44,160 --> 00:18:48,680 Argh! Can everyone just stop before my eyes start bleeding?! 444 00:18:48,680 --> 00:18:51,280 After all I did for you... 445 00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:53,440 Gave you 39 years, got you off the street, 446 00:18:53,440 --> 00:18:56,120 gave up my singing career for you, and now you're leaving me? 447 00:18:56,120 --> 00:18:57,360 Career?! 448 00:18:57,360 --> 00:19:01,560 You've played to picket lines and working men's clubs for pork scratchings. 449 00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:03,600 You were never a real folk singer, 450 00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:05,440 you...disco lover! 451 00:19:05,440 --> 00:19:08,320 I gave up my childhood to be your wife. 452 00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:11,760 So it was my fault I was the only guy on the estate stand-up enough to marry 453 00:19:11,760 --> 00:19:13,600 the pregnant teenager? 454 00:19:13,600 --> 00:19:16,240 Didn't even know if it was mine. Still don't! 455 00:19:17,560 --> 00:19:19,400 And by "it", do you mean me? 456 00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:21,840 Let's face it, you hardly look like your brother, 457 00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:23,320 and you don't look a thing like me. 458 00:19:23,320 --> 00:19:26,520 Sam, it's not true. We've got the same eyes and... 459 00:19:27,560 --> 00:19:28,600 ..roots. 460 00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:33,160 So that's why you treat me like shit? Because I'm the mistake? Me? 461 00:19:34,360 --> 00:19:36,920 Do you think it was easy growing up with parents like you? 462 00:19:36,920 --> 00:19:38,920 Always screaming and drinking 463 00:19:38,920 --> 00:19:43,320 and dumping us on mental relatives and leaving us alone for days? 464 00:19:43,320 --> 00:19:44,680 Can you blame me? 465 00:19:44,680 --> 00:19:47,120 You were like raising that girl from The Exorcist. 466 00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:50,040 You make Cersei Lannister look like Mary Berry! 467 00:19:50,040 --> 00:19:53,000 It's a miracle that I've done anything with my life. 468 00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:57,360 OK, I had a little addiction problem back there, but look at my role models. 469 00:19:57,360 --> 00:19:59,720 But still, I had a son, 470 00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:01,080 I got my master's, 471 00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:03,880 I am fighting cancer, and I nearly 472 00:20:03,880 --> 00:20:08,160 died on an operating table, but you still favour Andy! 473 00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:09,880 The single... 474 00:20:09,880 --> 00:20:14,440 30-something musician who lives in my fucking basement! 475 00:20:14,440 --> 00:20:16,320 Garden flat. 476 00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:18,280 You've always treated me like the fuck-up, 477 00:20:18,280 --> 00:20:21,760 but it's him, Mum, it's always been him. He's just like you. 478 00:20:21,760 --> 00:20:24,960 Oh... Shit! 479 00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:26,200 - Sam... 480 00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:27,800 I think we should go home. 481 00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:33,200 - You stay out of this, Brian. - It's Bruce, Mum! It's fucking Bruce! 482 00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:36,520 And I'm Maggie Gyllenhaal! 483 00:20:36,520 --> 00:20:38,520 And you don't deserve Maggie. 484 00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:40,520 So you get Jake. 485 00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:45,400 Right... How about a round of shots on the house? 486 00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:48,240 - But it's Sober Saturday. - We've had a report of an incident. 487 00:20:48,240 --> 00:20:52,960 Finally! Something that can get my mind off this palaver. 488 00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:55,160 Let's see what you're working with, hot stuff. 489 00:20:57,640 --> 00:20:59,600 DOOR CLANGS KEYS JANGLE 490 00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:09,360 Can you give us a minute? 491 00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:15,160 DOOR SLAMS 492 00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:23,200 Mum, there's some things...some things that I said, I didn't mean... 493 00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:24,720 Don't worry. 494 00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:26,360 Already forgotten. 495 00:21:26,360 --> 00:21:29,280 - Mum. - I mean it. I'm fine. 496 00:21:30,720 --> 00:21:32,480 You've got a mouth on you. 497 00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:34,120 You get it from me. 498 00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:36,920 There's that look. 499 00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:39,040 - What look? - You know. 500 00:21:39,040 --> 00:21:41,320 The look that sees right through me. 501 00:21:42,320 --> 00:21:44,760 You're right. I'm a shit mum. 502 00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:51,160 I was a child when I had you and I...I never caught up. 503 00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:53,600 And you had much higher parenting expectations than Andy. 504 00:21:53,600 --> 00:21:57,280 I only shower him with attention cos he always acts so helpless. 505 00:21:57,280 --> 00:21:58,720 He's like a rescue dog. 506 00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:02,640 Happy to be fed and have his balls within reach. 507 00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:07,240 I'd like to say I can change, but I don't think I can. 508 00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:08,960 I don't have your strength. 509 00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:13,000 I'm not expecting you to change. I just... I just want to know that you care. 510 00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:15,800 You think I don't care about your cancer? 511 00:22:17,760 --> 00:22:20,040 Your dad will tell you, it's destroying me. 512 00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:23,600 I'm the one who should be sick. 513 00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:25,920 Jesus, I smoke while I'm on the sunbed! 514 00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:28,440 I'm proud of you. 515 00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:29,880 I love you to death. 516 00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:37,120 Maybe not the best choice of words for a cancer patient. 517 00:22:37,120 --> 00:22:38,440 But thanks. 518 00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:45,160 So...who is my father? 519 00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:47,360 It's Neville. 520 00:22:47,360 --> 00:22:49,400 Probably. 521 00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:50,880 Well, I hope it is. 522 00:22:52,120 --> 00:22:53,920 Cos the other options ain't good. 523 00:22:55,480 --> 00:22:57,680 Dad, Bruce, I'm... 524 00:22:57,680 --> 00:22:59,640 sorry for the way I behaved. 525 00:22:59,640 --> 00:23:02,840 After the divorce, I realised everyone just wanted to keep me happy, 526 00:23:02,840 --> 00:23:05,880 so I took advantage of that. 527 00:23:05,880 --> 00:23:08,000 And now I'm ready for my punishment. 528 00:23:08,000 --> 00:23:10,080 What do you think, Bruce? 529 00:23:10,080 --> 00:23:13,040 Oh, you could clean Andy's flat. 530 00:23:13,040 --> 00:23:16,800 - Ha-ha, funny one, Veronica! - Actually, that's a great idea. 531 00:23:16,800 --> 00:23:19,440 No. Please. Anything but that. 532 00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:22,880 Dad, does that sound fair to you? 533 00:23:22,880 --> 00:23:24,520 I'm doing it again, aren't I? 534 00:23:27,720 --> 00:23:29,440 Sorry I kissed you, Val. 535 00:23:29,440 --> 00:23:32,640 It's OK. It was worth it just for the look on Andy's face. 536 00:23:32,640 --> 00:23:34,800 But if you ever try that again without my consent, 537 00:23:34,800 --> 00:23:38,080 I will cut your prostate out with a rusty tin lid. 538 00:23:38,080 --> 00:23:40,400 You get sexier by the minute. 539 00:23:44,720 --> 00:23:47,840 How am I ever supposed to make a relationship work 540 00:23:47,840 --> 00:23:49,880 if I can't even keep my own family together? 541 00:23:49,880 --> 00:23:51,360 Oh, shut up. 542 00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:54,880 - Why are you smiling? - Every time you tell me to shut up 543 00:23:54,880 --> 00:23:58,240 it means you're just about to lay down some serious wisdom on me and fix everything. 544 00:23:58,240 --> 00:24:00,640 I'm not your fairy godmother, Andy. 545 00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:02,040 You're a big boy. 546 00:24:03,400 --> 00:24:04,600 Fix your own life. 547 00:24:11,360 --> 00:24:13,240 Fix my own life? 548 00:24:13,240 --> 00:24:14,280 Yeah. 549 00:24:16,200 --> 00:24:18,440 Nice one, Val. 550 00:24:18,440 --> 00:24:20,160 FOOTSTEPS 551 00:24:24,400 --> 00:24:27,360 Andy, I am so sorry. I didn't mean those... 552 00:24:27,360 --> 00:24:29,240 horrible things I said. 553 00:24:29,240 --> 00:24:32,120 Of course you did. I don't blame you. 554 00:24:32,120 --> 00:24:34,560 I was just angry with Mum and it spilled over. 555 00:24:35,720 --> 00:24:38,760 Maggie Gyllenhaal is consistent, but who am I kidding? 556 00:24:38,760 --> 00:24:41,000 She's never done anything as good as Nightcrawler. 557 00:24:41,000 --> 00:24:43,080 On the other hand... 558 00:24:43,080 --> 00:24:46,320 Maggie doesn't need to apologise for Prince Of Persia. 559 00:24:46,320 --> 00:24:47,440 Or Bubble Boy. 560 00:24:50,360 --> 00:24:53,440 Still, I think I am going to ask Dad to take a paternity test with me, 561 00:24:53,440 --> 00:24:55,120 you know, just so we know... 562 00:24:55,120 --> 00:24:57,360 Shut up! All right? You're not doing it. 563 00:24:57,360 --> 00:24:58,920 It doesn't matter what the test says. 564 00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:01,800 You're my sister, he's your father. You don't need a test to prove... 565 00:25:04,440 --> 00:25:06,360 I love you, Jake. 566 00:25:06,360 --> 00:25:08,560 Right back at you, Maggie. 567 00:25:10,080 --> 00:25:13,280 Isn't it weird, you and Dad travelling back together after everything? 568 00:25:13,280 --> 00:25:16,680 No. It'll be months before we can move out. 569 00:25:16,680 --> 00:25:20,480 39 years' worth of CDs and sex toys won't separate themselves. 570 00:25:20,480 --> 00:25:23,840 Who knows? A lot can happen in that time. 571 00:25:23,840 --> 00:25:28,400 One thing's for sure - this family can take a bigger pounding than a rhino vag. 572 00:25:28,400 --> 00:25:30,440 Here you go. Don't tell your sister. 573 00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:31,960 Mum, I'm not a boy any more. 574 00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:34,160 You know, when I watch milf porn, it's not a fetish, 575 00:25:34,160 --> 00:25:36,080 it's just age-appropriate. 576 00:25:36,080 --> 00:25:40,480 And as much as I love all the special attention, I am a bad son. 577 00:25:41,480 --> 00:25:46,080 I never call, I never send birthday cards. Sam's the good one. 578 00:25:46,080 --> 00:25:47,560 Whoa! 579 00:25:47,560 --> 00:25:50,480 I'll forgive you just this once. 580 00:25:50,480 --> 00:25:54,880 But...I think that you should stop taking it easy on me. 581 00:25:54,880 --> 00:25:57,880 The reason I give up on relationships is because you and Dad... 582 00:25:57,880 --> 00:25:59,680 you never made me work for anything. 583 00:25:59,680 --> 00:26:01,320 I want you to tell it like it is. 584 00:26:01,320 --> 00:26:02,360 OK. 585 00:26:03,440 --> 00:26:05,200 You're talented, but your music's soft. 586 00:26:05,200 --> 00:26:07,920 You need to start dyeing your hair, cos you're going grey. 587 00:26:07,920 --> 00:26:10,800 And stop blaming other people for your problems... 588 00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:12,760 Mum, got it! Save some for later! 589 00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:24,200 You know, when I found out your mum was pregnant, 590 00:26:24,200 --> 00:26:26,160 I didn't want to run away like my father did. 591 00:26:26,160 --> 00:26:29,480 And I could see she didn't have any decent men in her life, so... 592 00:26:31,200 --> 00:26:32,440 ..I stayed. 593 00:26:32,440 --> 00:26:34,160 But then you were born. 594 00:26:34,160 --> 00:26:37,560 And I saw you there, all pink and smiling. 595 00:26:37,560 --> 00:26:42,520 That wisp of hair like duckling fluff on the top of your head. 596 00:26:42,520 --> 00:26:44,600 And I fell in love. 597 00:26:44,600 --> 00:26:46,080 With both of you. 598 00:26:46,080 --> 00:26:50,960 You know, you'll always be my special girl. 599 00:26:52,480 --> 00:26:53,720 I love you, Dad. 600 00:26:53,720 --> 00:26:55,680 I love you, too, sweetie. 601 00:26:56,960 --> 00:26:58,600 I'm a bit old for pocket money. 602 00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:02,640 Your mum wanted me to give you this to get your roots done. 603 00:27:02,640 --> 00:27:04,320 - Oh! - Take it, 604 00:27:04,320 --> 00:27:05,640 or I'll never hear the end of it. 605 00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:10,520 Bye, handsome. And if you ever need money, 606 00:27:10,520 --> 00:27:12,920 - you call your Grandma Jane. - Thank you. 607 00:27:12,920 --> 00:27:15,440 But I'm going to start to trying to earn things on my own from now. 608 00:27:15,440 --> 00:27:18,040 And if that doesn't work out, I'll just start a crowdfunding page. 609 00:27:18,040 --> 00:27:20,160 You take care of my baby, Bruce. 610 00:27:20,160 --> 00:27:21,400 I promise I will...Jenny. 611 00:27:21,400 --> 00:27:22,800 It's Jane! 612 00:27:22,800 --> 00:27:24,120 I know. 613 00:27:31,160 --> 00:27:32,560 I'm a quick learner, 614 00:27:32,560 --> 00:27:34,920 I'm an excellent problem-solver 615 00:27:34,920 --> 00:27:37,000 and quite the people person. 616 00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:39,880 But most importantly, I'm a very good liar. 617 00:27:43,000 --> 00:27:44,440 You're hired. 618 00:27:44,440 --> 00:27:45,760 Welcome to Carpet Brothers. 619 00:27:45,760 --> 00:27:46,800 'Ladies...' 620 00:27:46,800 --> 00:27:48,920 I've had a lot of fun with all of you. 621 00:27:48,920 --> 00:27:51,200 But I need to pick just one of you. 622 00:27:51,200 --> 00:27:55,200 And there's only one way to make such an important decision. 623 00:27:57,680 --> 00:27:59,320 Eeny, meeny, miny, moe 624 00:27:59,320 --> 00:28:00,920 Catch a tiger by the toe 625 00:28:00,920 --> 00:28:03,280 If it hollers, let it go 626 00:28:03,280 --> 00:28:05,080 Eeny, meeny, miny... DOORBELL 627 00:28:07,960 --> 00:28:09,680 ..moe. 628 00:28:09,680 --> 00:28:12,560 # Throw me 629 00:28:12,560 --> 00:28:15,800 # No more bones and I will tell you no lies 630 00:28:15,800 --> 00:28:18,520 # This time 631 00:28:18,520 --> 00:28:20,080 # You know I'll leave 632 00:28:20,080 --> 00:28:22,040 # Here's to taking what you came for 633 00:28:22,040 --> 00:28:25,160 # And here's to running off the pain 634 00:28:25,160 --> 00:28:27,800 # And here's to just another no man 635 00:28:27,800 --> 00:28:29,080 # If you want another 636 00:28:29,080 --> 00:28:30,880 # Say you need another... # 50767

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