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# Oh, darling, how we hate to go... #
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Oh!
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That last note always fucks me.
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No, no, no, it's nice, it's nice. It sounds, er... It's human.
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Marsh is going to love this. You all right?
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Feeling a bit parched, actually.
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# He says that I'm a sight to make eyes sore, darling. #
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I've never drunk Prosecco out of a mug before.
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I find it really brings out the earthy tones.
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Mm, mm.
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Has anybody ever told you that you're the perfect woman?
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You're only saying that so I'll hire you for my album.
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I'm serious.
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You can do my album if you answer one question.
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Why do your eyes look so sad?
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It's just, you know, life.
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Now let me be the T Bone Burnett to your Diana Krall.
18
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I always fancied getting T Boned.
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What's say you and I go out and celebrate properly, Mr Producer?
20
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A little fairy dust to get the night swirling.
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I shouldn't, I'm trying to cut down.
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What are you afraid of, old man?
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Old man?! Nothing.
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Go on, then.
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Yeah, I mean, sure, why not? I do this all the time.
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Ace Of Spades by Motorhead
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# If you like to gamble, I tell you I'm your man
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# You win some, lose some, it's all the same to me
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# The pleasure is to play, makes no difference what you say
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# I don't share your greed, the only card I need is
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# The ace of spades
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# The ace of spades. #
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I'm alive.
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HE YELLS
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Uncle Andy? Uncle Andy?
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Is she dead? Did you kill her?
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I don't approve but I'll help you hide the body.
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Oh, thank Christ for that. Who is she?
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Jasmine. I was helping produce a demo for her last night.
40
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Now, what do you want? More porn?
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No, I'm visiting potential schools for sixth form,
42
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but I want them to think I'm hip. Do you have any suggestions?
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- Don't say hip.
- Look at this place.
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I can't believe you live like this. Have you been sleeping all day?
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And what's that on your face?
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Is that flour or is that caster sugar?
47
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That's not flour or sugar, is it?
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I can't believe you brought class A drugs into our house.
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It was just one night! I don't have a drugs problem.
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I don't.
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I realise this is a lot to take in.
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Do you have any more questions?
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Well, if you think of anything, call me.
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PHONE BEEPS
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I hope you'll consider us, Errol.
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We only take exceptional candidates and your mock GCSE results were...
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Oh, um, about my results, can we keep that between us?
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You might find this hard to believe but I've been bullied quite a lot.
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We're not like other schools.
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Students who show academic excellence
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are top of the pecking order here, the cool kids.
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HE LAUGHS
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Oh you're...you're not joking.
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KNOCKING Ah, Emma.
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Errol, Emma's one of our star pupils and quite the harpist.
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She's volunteered to show you around today.
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Niels Bohr's atomic model. Love the retro design,
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even if his particle configuration was wildly inaccurate.
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Down there's the physics lab, we've just got an electron microscope.
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Oh, wow, really? Mm...
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Pfft, whatever.
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You're right, it's not top of the line.
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Enquiry - are you named after Errol Flynn,
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the rakish screen actor or Errol Morris the documentarian?
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His film about Robert McNamara really made me
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rethink the military industrial complex.
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I'm actually named after my mother's childhood cat,
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which is ironic because I'm actually allergic to cats...
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Disclosure - I'm not that good a harpist,
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I only came in third at the nationals.
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Do you play any instruments?
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Yeah, piano, guitar, keyboard, a bit of drums.
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I also play in an indie band. We were up for a label.
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Cool. We're not even allowed to use dry ice at school productions -
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gives too many students asthma.
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Asthma?
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Losers.
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Look, Errol, what I lack in social nuance
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I make up for in blunt honesty.
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You fascinate me.
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- Cool.
- If you're amenable, I think you should invite me
92
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over later to continue my research on human behaviour.
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Who knows where it might lead? Some place warm and inviting.
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That reminds me, let me show you our heated, Olympic-size swimming pool.
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This way.
96
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Crazy, right? I'm on cloud 11.
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Goddamn, this is strong weed.
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Here, say hi.
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Um, hi.
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Sexy voice, right? I'll call you later, slut!
101
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- Who was that?
- My mum.
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Mm, last night was one for the ages.
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I'll never question your partying skills again.
104
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I'm a bit fuzzy - what happened, er, exactly?
105
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Well, after you sang the Adele catalogue to the whole pub,
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you got down on one knee and popped the Q.
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But you didn't have a rock,
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so that's how my toe ring ended up on your finger, fiance.
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Aren't you going to say something?
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That is strong weed.
111
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Got formaldehyde in it.
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What's say we spend the rest of the afternoon snuggling
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and planning weds with a little help from these guys?
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Des champignons de magique, as Serge Gainsbourg would say.
115
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That sounds amazing.
116
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Um, but you wait right here and I will be back.
117
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There you are. Did you get my text? Why didn't you answer?
118
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- Do you know what's been going on?
- Andy, we need to talk.
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You're not kidding. I produced a track
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for a beautiful train wreck last night,
121
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then we went out, got absolutely blitzed,
122
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yadi yadi yada, I'm engaged, what do I do?
123
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Andy, I love you, but I can't deal with
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your typical shit storm right now.
125
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Typical?! In what way is this typical?
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- Hey, guys.
- What are those bags for?
127
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Dinner with mum and Luca, remember? Tiff's meeting them at the station.
128
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I'm making my famous chilli con carne.
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- What's up, Andy?
- I got accidentally engaged.
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Good one. I was day dreaming the other day
131
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on the Piccadilly Line, ended up in Cockfosters.
132
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- Speaking of cocks....
- How was your school visit, Roly?
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I've made a new friend, she's coming over later.
134
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I think she likes me, I don't know what to do.
135
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Oh, we haven't got time for your imaginary girlfriends
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right now Roly. I've got accidentally engaged.
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Oh, typical.
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Bruce, can I speak to you for a minute?
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Don't worry, I'm making a non-spicy chilli for the kids,
140
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but frankly, I think they're old enough to eat the hard stuff.
141
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It's not that.
142
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Oh, I keep telling my mum our marriage status
143
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is none of her beeswax, but she's old school, you know?
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Fire and brimstone.
145
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No, I went to the doctor's this morning, and don't freak out...
146
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Oh, my God, you're pregnant.
147
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I knew it would happen once I stopped taking the hot baths!
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It's like, it's like I was melting all my little Bruces.
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You are amazing.
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And don't panic, I'm going to take loads of paternity leave.
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- Are you excited?
- Yeah.
- Yay!
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I can't keep up with her. Maybe if I eat right, hit the gym,
153
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I can make this work for 20 years at least.
154
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- 54's not a bad age to die, right?
- Have you not learnt anything?
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This is what happens when you do hard drugs.
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Just tell her that you made a mistake, maybe she'd be relieved.
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Relieved? I'm a catch!
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You're a mid-thirties man baby living in his sister's basement.
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How dare you? It's not a basement, it's a garden flat.
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And I'm not a man baby, I'm a...
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a man-dolescent.
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All right, fine. But please, if you really love this family,
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just promise me you won't do any more hard drugs.
164
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OK, fine, I promise. Now, what's the deal with your girl?
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Oh, nothing, she's just coming round.
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But it's no biggie, I can hang with a girl without panicking.
167
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- DOORBELL RINGS
- Oh, God, she's here!
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Emma?
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Oh. Hi, Diane, hi, Luca, hi, Tiff.
170
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Errol, what have I told you? Please call me Grandma Didi.
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We're family! Even though Bruce and your mother refuse to
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make it official, we can still pretend.
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Ignore her. One of her tips came through on Crime Watch,
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she's still drunk on the power.
175
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Who did you think was at the door, anyway?
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Local MP.
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Hey, it's Grandma Didi!
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It's Diane. Bruce tells me you're still not going to church.
179
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Not technically, but I've hailed a few Marys. What's up, Luca?
180
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About to finish my final year at St Martin's.
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MFA, here we come.
182
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Do you know what MFA stands for? Mother's Fears Actualised.
183
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He'll never make enough money to move out and find a wife
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unless he gets a real job.
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Bruce never took his doodles seriously, look where he is.
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Divorced and living in sin.
187
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Well, at least he's got a girlfriend to live in sin with.
188
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You're a handsome boy, Luca, you just need to put yourself out there.
189
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You've set the bar too high, Mum - no girl can ever compete with you.
190
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Come here, handsome!
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Hi.
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Hello, Samantha. I see no ring on that finger.
193
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Mum, you said you would behave.
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I'm just saying, poor Tiffany's dying to be a bridesmaid.
195
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What?
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Hey, Luca, how's the talented and lovely brother I never had?
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Ha-ha.
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- DOORBELL RINGS
- I'll get it!
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Emma?
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Look who I found.
201
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Hey, Jasmine!
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I thought you'd done a runaway bride.
203
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Mm...
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Andy, are you going to introduce me to the fam?
205
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Well, that's my sister, Sam, boyfriend, Bruce,
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boyfriend's mother, boyfriend's brother,
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boyfriend's ex-stepdaughter, and, yeah,
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I think that's everyone worth mentioning.
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I'm Errol, his nephew.
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Hi. I'm Jasmine and I'm Andy's fiancee.
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Would you prefer if I called you Jasmine or Auntie Jas?
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You can call me whatever you like.
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It's nice to see young people committing to each other.
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I think it's sweet you live in your sister's basement.
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It's a garden flat.
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DOORBELL RINGS
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Hi, I'm Emma, Errol's friend.
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- Wrong house.
- Ah!
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I've got this one, Tiff, thank you very much.
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I need to be home in time for Newsnight.
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Shall we go straight to your room?
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Guys, Emma, Emma, guys.
223
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Look, Jas, I've got something I need to say.
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I think we should break it off.
225
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- What?
- We were both wasted last night.
226
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I don't really know you, you don't really know me -
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it was the drugs talking.
228
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Yes, and they were telling us that we were meant to be.
229
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Have you seen True Romance?
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We're like that, only Christopher Walken's not chasing us.
231
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Proposing to you will go down as one of my greatest achievements,
232
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including taking a piss next to Eric Clapton at Coco and, yes,
233
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it was like a guitar neck.
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- You mean it?
- It was practically dragging on the floor.
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No, I mean the part about our engagement.
236
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- You're not still high?
- No way.
237
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Shame! Let's fix up with some klonopin I got off my manager.
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First communion.
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PHONE BUZZES
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You going to answer that?
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It's probably just a telemarketer.
242
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Whose phone is this?
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That's my dead Uncle Frank's prossy phone,
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he had an adult baby fetish.
245
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I don't know why I keep hold of it, really.
246
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So, how's Claire?
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Mum, how would you feel if I kept asking you about Dad?
248
00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:33,080
That's different, you know how I feel about the Nigerian devil.
249
00:11:33,080 --> 00:11:35,760
You do realise Luca and I are half Nigerian, right?
250
00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:38,640
You don't count, you're only Nigerian when you misbehave.
251
00:11:38,640 --> 00:11:40,920
Seriously now, so when are you getting married?
252
00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:42,200
Mum!
253
00:11:44,920 --> 00:11:46,360
Sam and I are having a baby.
254
00:11:48,360 --> 00:11:49,600
Are you happy for us?
255
00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:51,000
Of course I'm happy!
256
00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:53,920
My first biological grandchild.
257
00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:57,440
Now, you have nine months to make it right.
258
00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:01,680
This is nice. I wish I had a sister,
259
00:12:01,680 --> 00:12:03,320
then we could've done slumber parties.
260
00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:05,200
all Bruce ever wanted to do was play Warhammer.
261
00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:06,960
Anyway, sorry, what did you want to tell me?
262
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:10,680
OK, I have some big news.
263
00:12:10,680 --> 00:12:13,320
So do I. I've met someone, graffiti artist, Sasha,
264
00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:14,680
looks like a South Asian Drake
265
00:12:14,680 --> 00:12:17,120
but he's hung like a South Asian Fassbender.
266
00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:19,840
What do you think my mum would say if she found out I was gay?
267
00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:21,640
- Sorry, what's your news?
- OK, um...
268
00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:23,840
You're right, fuck it, I'm finally going to tell her.
269
00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:25,960
If she disowns me I can just come and live with you guys.
270
00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:27,800
I'm not sure that's a good idea.
271
00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:29,640
What's not a good idea?
272
00:12:29,640 --> 00:12:33,800
Sports bras, it's like trying to stuff two melons into a coin purse.
273
00:12:33,800 --> 00:12:36,160
I think I actually agree with you on that one.
274
00:12:36,160 --> 00:12:37,880
Luca, can you give us a minute, please?
275
00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:42,720
Diane, I know you're going to ask
276
00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:44,320
when Bruce and I are getting married...
277
00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:46,080
It's all right, no rush.
278
00:12:46,080 --> 00:12:48,360
I just want you to take the right steps spiritually...
279
00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:51,720
..for all of you.
280
00:12:53,480 --> 00:12:56,000
This is opal, an oldie but a goodie.
281
00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:59,120
Oh, I've just collected this beaut. This is lapis lazuli.
282
00:12:59,120 --> 00:13:01,360
What about cummingtonite?
283
00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:02,400
Huh?
284
00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:04,760
The mineral, cummingtonite, named after Cummington
285
00:13:04,760 --> 00:13:07,280
in Massachusetts where it was first discovered in 1824.
286
00:13:07,280 --> 00:13:09,800
Oh, I knew that. No, I haven't got that one.
287
00:13:12,760 --> 00:13:15,120
Errol, I've Googled your birth date and determined I'm only
288
00:13:15,120 --> 00:13:18,160
five months older, which is an acceptable spread,
289
00:13:18,160 --> 00:13:21,320
- I'd hope you'd agree?
- Um, yeah.
290
00:13:21,320 --> 00:13:23,560
I don't want to presume to know your orientation,
291
00:13:23,560 --> 00:13:26,640
so may I ask where you fall on the Kinsey Scale?
292
00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:32,520
Zero being entirely heterosexual and six being entirely homosexual.
293
00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:35,840
Maybe a one, but if I really interrogate myself maybe a two.
294
00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:36,920
Interesting.
295
00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:39,400
But it jumps to a three whenever men's gymnastics is on.
296
00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:41,560
Is it me or is it a bit stuffy in here?
297
00:13:41,560 --> 00:13:43,360
I may be failing to pick up social cues,
298
00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:45,800
you'll let me know if I'm being too forward.
299
00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:46,920
Oh, it's not that.
300
00:13:46,920 --> 00:13:48,640
And I'm presuming, based on the fact that
301
00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:51,200
you're in a band, you're not a virgin.
302
00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:52,720
- HE CHUCKLES
- No.
303
00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:54,560
Great, my foreplay could use work.
304
00:13:54,560 --> 00:13:57,440
I'll leave the opening move in your capable hands.
305
00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:02,000
I should brush my teeth first.
306
00:14:04,880 --> 00:14:06,280
What were you doing in Tiff's room?
307
00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:08,560
Impromptu love nest with Auntie Jiz Jas.
308
00:14:08,560 --> 00:14:10,120
- Oh...
- Well, what have you been doing?
309
00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:12,760
Boring girls to death with fun facts about Jeremy Corbyn?
310
00:14:12,760 --> 00:14:14,440
Manhole spotting is not boring.
311
00:14:14,440 --> 00:14:16,520
Yeah, I've got a manhole you can spot.
312
00:14:17,880 --> 00:14:19,000
That came out wrong.
313
00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:22,440
I think Emma has the wrong idea about my sexual experience.
314
00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:25,160
How? You've clearly not touched a vagina since one spat you out.
315
00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:27,360
Well, have you broken off your sham marriage yet?
316
00:14:27,360 --> 00:14:31,040
Not exactly. We've sort of reaffirmed our vows, actually.
317
00:14:31,040 --> 00:14:32,520
I'm really feeling this one.
318
00:14:32,520 --> 00:14:33,600
You're an idiot.
319
00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:36,320
You don't want to get married, you're just afraid of dying alone.
320
00:14:38,040 --> 00:14:39,400
Are you high right now?
321
00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:41,920
Just pretending to be high to impress Jas.
322
00:14:41,920 --> 00:14:43,720
Oh, that's cool.
323
00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:44,880
Thanks.
324
00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:46,440
Oh, my God, you ARE high.
325
00:14:46,440 --> 00:14:48,520
Technically I'm low because I'm on downers.
326
00:14:48,520 --> 00:14:50,200
I haven't got a drugs problem.
327
00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:52,080
Good, me neither.
328
00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:53,480
Oh, you can't go in there,
329
00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:55,760
it's currently occupied with the future Mrs Andy King.
330
00:14:55,760 --> 00:14:58,680
- But you're still in love with Melodie.
- I'm-I'm not.
331
00:14:58,680 --> 00:15:01,080
You clearly are, everybody knows she's the love of your life.
332
00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:03,480
- She's a friend.
- Yeah, a friend you want a mortgage with.
333
00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:05,960
Joke's on you because, my credit rating's too low to qualify.
334
00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:07,680
And don't be angry with me just because
335
00:15:07,680 --> 00:15:10,040
you're jealous of Errol's new piece.
336
00:15:10,040 --> 00:15:12,240
Out of my room, please.
337
00:15:16,360 --> 00:15:17,800
Well, that was surprising.
338
00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:20,240
I know, I've never heard Tiff say please.
339
00:15:20,240 --> 00:15:21,720
Hey, sweetie.
340
00:15:21,720 --> 00:15:23,680
Did you tell your mum I was pregnant?
341
00:15:23,680 --> 00:15:25,680
Me? No.
342
00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:29,720
Yes, I did, but only because I'm so psyched.
343
00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:31,640
You can't make big announcements without me,
344
00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:33,000
we're supposed to be a team.
345
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:35,080
So why don't we make this team official?
346
00:15:35,080 --> 00:15:37,600
Sam, would you do me the honour...?
347
00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:40,440
Are you seriously proposing to me over a pot of chilli?
348
00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:41,480
No.
349
00:15:41,480 --> 00:15:44,280
Good, because I think when you hear what I have to say you'll...
350
00:15:44,280 --> 00:15:47,480
Bruce, can I get your help with something, please?
351
00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:48,840
Actually, now's not a good time.
352
00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:51,640
Do you know what? It's a great time, it's fine.
353
00:15:51,640 --> 00:15:54,520
You're good with gadgets - how would you go about fixing
354
00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:58,560
a phone that may have fallen into a fish bowl?
355
00:15:58,560 --> 00:16:00,400
Buy a new phone.
356
00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:03,520
That chilli smells amazing.
357
00:16:03,520 --> 00:16:06,000
The secret - 80% dark chocolate.
358
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:08,400
(I'll take it to my grave.
359
00:16:10,240 --> 00:16:13,960
I'll go check my mum's not going through our cupboards.
360
00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:20,160
Butt plugs?
361
00:16:20,160 --> 00:16:23,680
No, I knew that's what you meant. Oh, listen I don't think...
362
00:16:23,680 --> 00:16:24,720
Andy?
363
00:16:25,840 --> 00:16:26,880
What are you doing?
364
00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:29,880
Ke-keeping an eye on the chilli.
365
00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:31,480
Can I have a word?
366
00:16:31,480 --> 00:16:33,640
You can do this, you can do this.
367
00:16:33,640 --> 00:16:36,440
- You can do what?
- Oh, um...
368
00:16:36,440 --> 00:16:38,160
There's a spider in my room.
369
00:16:38,160 --> 00:16:39,320
Do you want me to kill it?
370
00:16:39,320 --> 00:16:41,480
No, I'm building up the courage to do it myself.
371
00:16:41,480 --> 00:16:42,800
What are you doing?
372
00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:44,560
I'm also building up the courage.
373
00:16:44,560 --> 00:16:46,560
Are you going to tell Diane to shove it?
374
00:16:46,560 --> 00:16:49,320
- Because I don't want to miss that.
- No.
375
00:16:49,320 --> 00:16:51,640
I'm building up the courage to say...
376
00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:55,600
..I'm so proud of you.
377
00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:57,360
Even if I don't kill the spider?
378
00:16:57,360 --> 00:16:58,400
Especially then.
379
00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:07,960
There you are. Are you ready to resume foreplay?
380
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:09,760
Um...
381
00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:12,720
Did you know that Jeremy Corbyn claimed the least expenses
382
00:17:12,720 --> 00:17:15,600
for any MP from 2009 to 2010?
383
00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:19,080
Did you know that he, er,
384
00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:23,160
he's a member of the All Party Parliamentary Group for Cheese?
385
00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:26,480
And did you know that he has an allotment and he, er,
386
00:17:26,480 --> 00:17:30,560
he makes jam with the... the fruit that he grows on it?
387
00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:33,920
I did know.
388
00:17:37,760 --> 00:17:39,400
Oh, hi, what are you doing here?
389
00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:42,520
It's my room. What are you doing?
390
00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:44,920
Oh, I was... I was looking for somewhere to hide.
391
00:17:44,920 --> 00:17:48,000
- Did Diane upset you?
- Oh, no, no, it's not Diane.
392
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:50,000
I have...
393
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:54,480
I have, erm, Can't Touch This stuck in my head.
394
00:17:54,480 --> 00:17:56,960
Well, maybe listening to Radio 1 will help.
395
00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:01,840
You're a good girl, Tiff.
396
00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:04,880
You'd better not tell anyone I'm nice.
397
00:18:06,240 --> 00:18:07,400
What's up?
398
00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:10,040
OK I've been thinking and I need you to tell my mum I'm gay.
399
00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:12,000
Ah! Why me?
400
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:13,280
Think about it, it's perfect -
401
00:18:13,280 --> 00:18:14,960
you live in your sister's basement...
402
00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:16,920
- Garden flat.
- ..and you're high most of the time.
403
00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:18,480
No, I'm not, not at all.
404
00:18:18,480 --> 00:18:21,240
I'm not judging, Andy. I'm like you, we're both artists,
405
00:18:21,240 --> 00:18:22,480
artists stick together.
406
00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:25,200
It's just, you don't seem to care what people think of you
407
00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:26,440
and I admire that.
408
00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:29,080
- Thank you.
- And if Mum reacts badly,
409
00:18:29,080 --> 00:18:32,160
you can just tell her you made it up and she'll believe you.
410
00:18:32,160 --> 00:18:34,840
Are you seriously telling me that she doesn't already know?
411
00:18:34,840 --> 00:18:36,200
What's that supposed to mean?
412
00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:37,360
Because, you know...
413
00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:41,200
- Food's ready!
414
00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:44,560
Can you unfasten my bra? I always have trouble with this one.
415
00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:48,120
Er, sure, of course. I've unfastened so many bras in my time,
416
00:18:48,120 --> 00:18:51,240
I can't remember all of the times, um...
417
00:18:51,240 --> 00:18:54,640
So many they call me BRAd Pitt.
418
00:18:54,640 --> 00:18:58,000
Sometimes BRAdley Cooper and, er,
419
00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:00,360
BRAnold Schwarzenegger, BRAdolf Hitler.
420
00:19:00,360 --> 00:19:01,920
Ow. Do you have any condoms?
421
00:19:01,920 --> 00:19:04,960
Do I? I burn through rubber faster than a Formula One car.
422
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:06,040
- Errol! Food!
423
00:19:06,040 --> 00:19:09,880
Oh, um, maybe we should fuel up for the big race.
424
00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:12,080
Not that it's, er, it's a race, is it?
425
00:19:12,080 --> 00:19:13,880
Um, slow and steady, right?
426
00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:21,000
We have grated cheese, sour cream and coriander, children.
427
00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:24,520
Now, this may not be familiar to you because it's green.
428
00:19:24,520 --> 00:19:27,720
This food looks out of this world.
429
00:19:33,200 --> 00:19:35,040
No!
430
00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:36,800
What, is there something wrong?
431
00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:41,960
Er, er... No, I just think that maybe we should all say grace.
432
00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:45,080
If you're trying to get in my good books, Andy, it's working.
433
00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:51,480
Dear God, thank you for the great company
434
00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:52,640
and this food.
435
00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:55,320
I'd say it smells too good to eat.
436
00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:59,960
Maybe we should just take Instagram pics and leave it at that.
437
00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:02,200
- Or we could chow down.
- Amen.
438
00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:04,520
Er, Roly, haven't you got something to say?
439
00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:06,680
Oh, well, I have been reading a very good book called
440
00:20:06,680 --> 00:20:07,760
The Omnivore's Dilemma.
441
00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:09,960
Luca, have you got an announcement to make?
442
00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:11,760
I'm good.
443
00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:16,400
In Mexico, coriander is referred to as cilantro.
444
00:20:16,400 --> 00:20:18,880
This is yum. We should do Tex Mex for the wedding.
445
00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:21,400
No-one wants another rack of lamb, right, Andy?
446
00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:22,720
Lamb sounds good.
447
00:20:22,720 --> 00:20:24,720
So, Andy, who's going to be your best man?
448
00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:27,400
Considering he doesn't have any adult friends it'll probably be me.
449
00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:28,880
I'd love to write a best man's speech,
450
00:20:28,880 --> 00:20:30,920
something debauched yet heart-warming.
451
00:20:30,920 --> 00:20:32,560
And I've got an idea for the stag do.
452
00:20:32,560 --> 00:20:36,840
Three words - papier-mache workshop.
453
00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:38,960
Andy, aren't you hungry?
454
00:20:46,320 --> 00:20:48,160
Sam, you've not touched any of yours.
455
00:20:48,160 --> 00:20:50,640
Oh, yeah, I'm just feeling a bit nauseous.
456
00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:53,360
I had terrible nausea when I was pregnant with Luca.
457
00:20:53,360 --> 00:20:56,440
Bruce, what kind of mushrooms did you use in this? They're delicious.
458
00:20:56,440 --> 00:20:58,840
- I didn't use any mushrooms.
- Mum, are you pregnant?
459
00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:00,800
- Luca's gay!
- What? No, I'm not.
460
00:21:00,800 --> 00:21:02,360
Andy, it's gauche to out people.
461
00:21:02,360 --> 00:21:04,320
Gay's not pejorative, my mum's a gay.
462
00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:05,560
I'm joking, it's not true.
463
00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:07,520
Of course it's true, it's obvious.
464
00:21:07,520 --> 00:21:08,840
What do you mean, obvious?
465
00:21:08,840 --> 00:21:11,680
You were much too interested in Justin Timberlake as a boy.
466
00:21:11,680 --> 00:21:14,440
It's all right, you get it from the Nigerian side.
467
00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:16,880
If you knew, why were you always talking about me
468
00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:18,160
meeting a nice girl?
469
00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:20,440
Because I thought it would push you to admit you were gay.
470
00:21:20,440 --> 00:21:22,120
- I'm a virgin.
- I don't want to get married.
471
00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:23,600
Just shut up, all of you!
472
00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:28,360
Calm down, Samantha, mood swings are normal in your condition.
473
00:21:28,360 --> 00:21:29,680
I'm not pregnant.
474
00:21:31,880 --> 00:21:33,160
I have cancer.
475
00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:42,040
- DOOR SLAMS
- Fuck!
476
00:21:42,040 --> 00:21:44,520
Anyone else have a bomb they'd like to drop?
477
00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:51,920
There may be psychotropic mushrooms in the chilli.
478
00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:54,920
Sam, wait!
479
00:22:02,080 --> 00:22:05,600
Look Andy, you're exciting, but...
480
00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:08,400
it's all just a bit too messy for me.
481
00:22:08,400 --> 00:22:09,960
The right person's out there,
482
00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:12,360
you've just got to get your life together.
483
00:22:13,480 --> 00:22:14,520
Sure, cool.
484
00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:18,800
Keep the ring. Good vibes to your sis.
485
00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:28,040
I should go, my social cup is full.
486
00:22:28,040 --> 00:22:30,840
- Sorry I didn't tell you that...
- There's no shame in being a virgin.
487
00:22:30,840 --> 00:22:32,240
Why do you think vampire novels
488
00:22:32,240 --> 00:22:34,800
and fairy tales in the Bible are always on about them?
489
00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:37,320
No rush. I look forward to seeing you again.
490
00:22:42,880 --> 00:22:45,280
- Where do you think your mum went?
- KNOCKING
491
00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:51,680
Sammy, you are a sight for sore eyes.
492
00:22:51,680 --> 00:22:55,040
I'm such an idiot. I think she's been trying to tell me for hours.
493
00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:56,520
We've got a situation.
494
00:22:57,760 --> 00:23:00,000
GIGGLING
495
00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:05,000
Oh, Mum, you have to feel this rug.
496
00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:06,960
It's like a unicorn's fur!
497
00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:09,360
30% discount from Carpet Brothers.
498
00:23:09,360 --> 00:23:10,600
I love it.
499
00:23:10,600 --> 00:23:14,200
I love you. I love you, my beautiful gay son.
500
00:23:14,200 --> 00:23:16,680
I love you more than Jesus.
501
00:23:16,680 --> 00:23:19,080
I love you more than Beyonce.
502
00:23:19,080 --> 00:23:23,080
Shh. Luca, blasphemy.
503
00:23:23,080 --> 00:23:25,160
Maybe they got all the mushrooms.
504
00:23:29,520 --> 00:23:30,920
The big C, eh?
505
00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:33,400
- I know a great oncologist if you need one.
- Thanks.
506
00:23:33,400 --> 00:23:37,160
It was just a matter of time, I'm such a "and then she died" type.
507
00:23:37,160 --> 00:23:39,560
Don't be so morbid. Look, I'm proud of you,
508
00:23:39,560 --> 00:23:41,640
coming over here was the right thing to do.
509
00:23:41,640 --> 00:23:42,960
Coaster, drawer.
510
00:23:48,400 --> 00:23:50,680
I was actually starting to enjoy my life.
511
00:23:50,680 --> 00:23:53,720
I was feeling really optimistic about the next 30 years.
512
00:23:53,720 --> 00:23:55,280
Well, you're not dead yet.
513
00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:02,640
You let Dr Feel Good take the pain away.
514
00:24:02,640 --> 00:24:04,120
I don't want to OD.
515
00:24:04,120 --> 00:24:07,160
It's cut with benzo, balanced like a bank scale.
516
00:24:07,160 --> 00:24:10,240
I'll pace you, trust me.
517
00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:12,400
PHONE RINGS
518
00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:13,760
Hey, Roly, what's up?
519
00:24:13,760 --> 00:24:15,640
Oh, hi, Dad, did...?
520
00:24:15,640 --> 00:24:19,560
Hey, Ben, it's Andy. Sam ran away.
521
00:24:19,560 --> 00:24:21,240
Andy, ask Ben if he hates me.
522
00:24:21,240 --> 00:24:24,360
Help us, please. Do you hate Bruce?
523
00:24:24,360 --> 00:24:26,560
No, and why can't you do it yourself?
524
00:24:26,560 --> 00:24:28,320
We're on mushrooms.
525
00:24:28,320 --> 00:24:30,200
But Roly's all right.
526
00:24:30,200 --> 00:24:33,240
Jesus Christ, why did she run away this time?
527
00:24:33,240 --> 00:24:34,960
She's got cancer.
528
00:24:38,200 --> 00:24:39,320
Shit.
529
00:24:41,960 --> 00:24:44,160
Fuck, why did I ever stop?
530
00:24:44,160 --> 00:24:46,040
That's my Sammy.
531
00:24:46,040 --> 00:24:47,480
HE INHALES
532
00:24:48,640 --> 00:24:50,200
BANGING ON DOOR
533
00:24:50,200 --> 00:24:52,040
Look, just chill, OK? It's cool.
534
00:25:03,080 --> 00:25:05,600
And the gang's all back together.
535
00:25:05,600 --> 00:25:07,280
Gents, shoes.
536
00:25:07,280 --> 00:25:08,400
We're not staying.
537
00:25:08,400 --> 00:25:10,280
Sam, you're coming with us.
538
00:25:10,280 --> 00:25:12,600
Yeah. WHOA, wait, are we in Japan?
539
00:25:12,600 --> 00:25:13,720
Are you two high?
540
00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:16,320
No, they're on psychedelics, So technically they're tripping.
541
00:25:16,320 --> 00:25:18,000
Wait, hang on, how did you find me here?
542
00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:19,760
Did Roly put a tracking app on my phone?
543
00:25:19,760 --> 00:25:23,560
You always joked if you were dying you'd go on a massive drugs binge.
544
00:25:23,560 --> 00:25:26,240
Drugs? You mean drugs to fight cancer, right? Mum?
545
00:25:26,240 --> 00:25:28,560
Can somebody please take my son out of here?
546
00:25:28,560 --> 00:25:31,080
We're trying to save you. This is an intervention.
547
00:25:31,080 --> 00:25:32,520
God, you are so co-dependent!
548
00:25:32,520 --> 00:25:34,240
Do you think I'm the one that needs saving?
549
00:25:34,240 --> 00:25:35,720
Have you looked in the mirror lately?
550
00:25:35,720 --> 00:25:37,480
We love you, Sam. PHONE BUZZES
551
00:25:37,480 --> 00:25:40,240
Don't give up like that horse in The Never Ending Story.
552
00:25:40,240 --> 00:25:41,720
Look, it's not broken!
553
00:25:41,720 --> 00:25:43,000
Ah!
554
00:25:45,840 --> 00:25:47,360
- I diffused the bomb.
- Ah!
555
00:25:47,360 --> 00:25:49,640
Can we just keep it down a bit? This is a nice building.
556
00:25:49,640 --> 00:25:53,080
Oh sorry, Eclipse, are we too embarrassing for your neighbours?
557
00:25:53,080 --> 00:25:54,360
Eclipse?
558
00:25:54,360 --> 00:25:56,120
What, so he's THE Eclipse,
559
00:25:56,120 --> 00:25:58,400
the dealer who introduced Mum and Dad?
560
00:25:58,400 --> 00:25:59,800
Introduced them?
561
00:25:59,800 --> 00:26:02,880
The way I remember it, your dad stole her from me.
562
00:26:02,880 --> 00:26:05,880
His real name's Cyril, we were flatmates at uni.
563
00:26:05,880 --> 00:26:09,200
How do you even know that story? Oh, course, Andy.
564
00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:11,320
Has this wall always been here?
565
00:26:11,320 --> 00:26:13,200
- Come on, Sam.
- Back off, mate.
566
00:26:13,200 --> 00:26:16,520
Don't you "mate" me, you gave a sick woman drugs.
567
00:26:16,520 --> 00:26:19,600
I'm a doctor, she's safer using with me than anyone else.
568
00:26:19,600 --> 00:26:24,320
Well, if you're such a great doctor, why are there gnomes in your drapes?
569
00:26:24,320 --> 00:26:26,360
No, they hide when you look.
570
00:26:26,360 --> 00:26:29,040
Can you all just get out of here now? Go!
571
00:26:30,680 --> 00:26:33,560
If you don't come with us, Mum, I'm going to take all this.
572
00:26:33,560 --> 00:26:34,600
No.
573
00:26:46,480 --> 00:26:47,920
How's that for co-dependence?
574
00:26:47,920 --> 00:26:51,360
Sam, you're my hero, and if you don't take care of yourself
575
00:26:51,360 --> 00:26:53,240
then who's going to clean up my mess?
576
00:26:53,240 --> 00:26:55,160
Everything's so intense for me right now.
577
00:26:55,160 --> 00:26:58,760
I lost a baby and there's a girl that I love and I'm living in
578
00:26:58,760 --> 00:27:02,480
your basement like a troll. And I think that you're the only person
579
00:27:02,480 --> 00:27:05,400
that really gets how ugly I am inside.
580
00:27:05,400 --> 00:27:08,720
And you're my sister and sisters stick together.
581
00:27:08,720 --> 00:27:11,880
Everybody gets cancer, even Patrick Swayze,
582
00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:13,920
and he fought it and he's fine now.
583
00:27:13,920 --> 00:27:16,160
No, Swayze's dead.
584
00:27:16,160 --> 00:27:17,680
PLATE CLATTERS
585
00:27:17,680 --> 00:27:19,800
Not Swayze!
586
00:27:19,800 --> 00:27:21,240
Oh, God.
587
00:27:21,240 --> 00:27:22,560
Andy, oh, my God.
588
00:27:22,560 --> 00:27:26,360
I feel like I'm living Interstellar and Inception simultaneously.
589
00:27:26,360 --> 00:27:28,480
- That'll be the benzo.
- Should I call an ambulance?
590
00:27:28,480 --> 00:27:30,480
No, he's probably just having a panic attack.
591
00:27:30,480 --> 00:27:32,440
Jesus, Andy, only you could upstage cancer.
592
00:27:32,440 --> 00:27:34,480
He just needs water and plenty of rest.
593
00:27:34,480 --> 00:27:37,120
Now, will you all please leave with your shoes?
594
00:27:37,120 --> 00:27:38,760
Oh, fuck you, Cyril.
595
00:27:38,760 --> 00:27:40,920
Oh, fuck me? How about you owe me 300
596
00:27:40,920 --> 00:27:42,920
for the eight ball your brother just snorted?
597
00:27:42,920 --> 00:27:46,040
Whatever, Eclipse, you have my Withnail And I DVD from, like,
598
00:27:46,040 --> 00:27:48,720
seven years ago, I think we're even now.
599
00:27:48,720 --> 00:27:50,800
I'm sorry I took all the drugs, Roly.
600
00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:53,560
I did it to save you.
601
00:27:53,560 --> 00:27:56,520
You could've just thrown them on the floor.
602
00:27:56,520 --> 00:27:57,560
Oh.
603
00:27:59,680 --> 00:28:01,560
I think I've got a problem.
604
00:28:01,560 --> 00:28:04,720
Don't worry, Andy, I'm here. Sisters stick together.
605
00:28:09,600 --> 00:28:12,000
Hi, I'm Sam and I'm an addict.
606
00:28:12,000 --> 00:28:13,360
- Hi, Sam.
607
00:28:13,360 --> 00:28:17,720
I got some bad news recently, life-changing, and I...
608
00:28:17,720 --> 00:28:20,520
I didn't handle it well. I, um...
609
00:28:20,520 --> 00:28:23,960
I forgot how to ask for help and I fell off the wagon.
610
00:28:23,960 --> 00:28:26,760
The good news is that my family intervened,
611
00:28:26,760 --> 00:28:29,320
and I know that not everyone's that lucky.
612
00:28:31,600 --> 00:28:33,200
I'm feeling...
613
00:28:33,200 --> 00:28:36,680
I'm feeling a lot more optimistic today,
614
00:28:36,680 --> 00:28:39,160
and I know that I can get through this.
615
00:28:40,440 --> 00:28:41,720
Thanks.
616
00:28:50,280 --> 00:28:53,120
Hi. Um, I'm Andy.
617
00:28:53,120 --> 00:28:55,160
Hi, Andy.
618
00:28:55,160 --> 00:28:56,280
And...
619
00:28:59,600 --> 00:29:00,840
..I'm an addict.
620
00:29:03,040 --> 00:29:06,520
# Strangers on this road we are on
621
00:29:08,120 --> 00:29:10,480
# We are not two, we are one
622
00:29:17,360 --> 00:29:21,160
# So you've been where I've just come
623
00:29:22,480 --> 00:29:25,280
# We are not two, we are one. #
48313
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