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Andy King, thank you for taking the time to chat with us.
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Pleasure, Imogen. Long-time reader and fan.
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You've had quite the fairy-tale year.
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I mean, one minute, you're busking,
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your demo's getting rejected and rejected.
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- A loser, if you don't mind me saying.
- Hey, truth is truth.
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And then, on a whim, you do this song contest.
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Last Place Hero gets noticed by Marsh Healy at Portal Records,
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and the rest is history.
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I mean, you topped the BBC Sound Of 2016 list,
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your album's getting five-star reviews,
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you're tipped for a Mercury nom' -
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I mean, you must feel like you're dreaming.
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It just goes to show
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that if you stick to making the music you believe in
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and don't lose sight of your priorities,
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then good things can happen.
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I was talking to Yusuf the other day...
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- Yusuf?
- Yusuf Islam? You know, Cat Stevens.
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Anyway, me and Suf were chatting about artistic integrity
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and how it doesn't matter if you're playing to a packed-out crowd
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or a deaf dog, it's got to be for you, you know?
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That is really going to resonate with our readers.
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So, we like to throw in a couple of silly questions at the end,
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just for fun. So, what are your upcoming plans for Father's Day?
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None, really. I mean, my old man, he lives in Spain.
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I'll probably give him a bell.
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At least I won't be asking him for money this year!
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Actually, I was talking about your son.
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I...
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I don't have any children.
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But my songs... My songs are like children.
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I've got a nerdy nephew, if that counts.
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Really? Because our researcher found a birth certificate
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from over a year ago proving that you fathered a child
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with Teresa Connor, the disgraced Parliamentary lawyer.
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Recently went through a messy public divorce.
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Remember? It was all over the Daily Fail,
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so we know that you have a child,
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a little boy that you've never had the decency to contact.
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What do you have to say to that, Andy King?
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Well, well... We're all waiting.
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This should be good.
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HE SCREAMS
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# What I feel
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# I can't say
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# But my love is there for you
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# Any time of day
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# But if it's not love
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# That you need
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# Then I'll try my best to make... #
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That is communal orange juice.
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You can't be putting your mouth all over it like that.
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You're right, I should probably stick a bit of tongue in too.
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Does everything have to be an innuendo with you?
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Haven't you heard? I'm the innuendo champ.
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I had to BEAT OFF some pretty STIFF competition.
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Hashtag dad jokes.
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It's not a dad joke. I'm not even old enough to be a dad.
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Even I'm old enough to be a dad, technically.
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What are you doing up this early, anyway?
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Got an interview with a record company today, don't I?
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- What one? Guinness Worlds?
- Portal Records, actually.
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They're sort of a big deal, run by Marshall Healy.
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Oh, Bruce and his old filters.
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- So, are you still having those nightmares?
- What nightmares?
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The ones that you wake up from every day, screaming?
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That's just cramp. I probably need more...potassium.
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Anyway, I need you to sign for a package
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that's going to be delivered when I'm out.
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Sorry, I've blocked out my day for reading.
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No interruptions.
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Yeah, reading
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Those nightmares haven't got anything to do with Melody, do they?
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Melody? Haven't thought about her in ages.
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Then why are you constantly checking her Instagram?
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Oh, I am so late for work.
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You're up early. Is it the nightmares?
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Oh, shit, I forgot my phone. Munchkin, can you get it for me?
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- It's by the bed.
- I'm 15 now, Mum.
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Why do I still have to get your things?
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When you were born, there wasn't time for an epidural,
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so you owe me forever.
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Can you fix Roly for me?
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He's in a shit mood and I can't handle him right now
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because Bruce has baby fever and it is freaking me out.
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I hear you. You're a professional milf with a gawky teen.
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You haven't got time for nappies and burping.
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I mean, look at the Pope.
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He wouldn't be Poping if he had a baby Bjorn slung over his shoulder.
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Some people have a higher calling.
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Exactly. My career's just taking off.
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I'm finally free for yoga and book club.
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Plus, you've already got two rotten kids between you.
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- Why does he want more?
- With Father's Day this weekend,
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I guess it's weighing on him that he doesn't have any biological children
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to propagate his seed.
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Men and their egos, right?
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My jingle's about to come on the radio.
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# Come on down to the carpet superstore
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# Buy a new rug and cover your ugly floor
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# The selection's tops and the deals don't stop
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# Jackpot for moths We've got the lot
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# There ain't no others You get the druthers
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# Come on down to
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# Carpet Brothers. #
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Did you see how I rhymed druthers with brothers?
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Oh, genius.
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So, now that you're getting paid for these radio spots,
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and your home studio is up and running,
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I guess I'm finally going to start seeing some rent money, right?
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Right. Well, almost.
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I am still paying back Val, but as soon as I've done that...
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Ah. Thanks, sweetie. Can you set the table for breakfast?
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Morning, gang. Hey, Roly,
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have you heard about this new antibiotic thing?
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Discovered in dirt.
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Teixobactin. That's old news.
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Errol, you didn't set Bruce a place.
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Oh, it's... It's cool. I'm going to just grab an apple anyway.
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I'll leave you guys to it. Thanks for my lunch.
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- Bye.
- Andy, you're up early.
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Nightmares?
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I need you to sign for a package while I'm out.
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Sure thing. I'm going to be in the garden, building the shed,
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but I should hear the doorbell.
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Roly, want to come help me build the man cave?
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I think I'll give your gender-specific cave a miss, thanks.
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Hey, you know, Tiff's here for Father's Day weekend.
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Fancy coming to the Polish bakery festival?
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- You can never have too many hot buns.
- I have a wheat allergy.
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Duh! Nice one, Bruce
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Well, if you change your mind re the person cave,
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you know where to find me.
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Will you cut him some slack?
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He's not trying to be your dad, he's trying to be your mate.
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What, a grown man trying to be mates? That's a bit creepy.
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- Is this because he's banging your mum?
- Don't go all Oedipal on me.
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I can think of plenty of non-Freudian reasons.
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So, you'd be absolutely fine
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if I listed all of their favourite sexual positions?
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I'm a scientist.
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Let's see, there's missionary, doggy, cowgirl,
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reverse cowgirl, sporking - that's a spooning/forking combo -
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crouching tiger, squat-thruster,
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nut-buster, wheelbarrow, the piledriver...
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I think I'm going to get to my reading now.
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Yeah, mate. "Reading."
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PHONE RINGING
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Marsh? Mr King for you.
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Hm.
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Music.
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Love it.
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Songwriting.
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- Yep.
- Songwriters.
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- Yes.
- Commerce.
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HE CHUCKLES
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What's funny?
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That song you did with the bird.
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Last Place Hero, right?
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Wasn't total shit, for pop crap.
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Thank you.
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And, and... And my other stuff?
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Hold my sack.
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The bag.
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NTL - heard of them?
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National Train Line?
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Not The Living - boyband.
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Signed them last year. The single's charting,
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but I need hits for the album.
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Songwriters with an ear for
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catchy pop crap.
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Er... Thanks, but I'm more of a writer/performer.
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Last Place Hero's your best song. You don't sing on it.
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Yeah, I had the flu that day.
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Should have got the jab.
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Look, I can't package you.
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Your age, all this.
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Be a shame to waste what you've got.
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You could be useful behind the board, make some money.
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You got kids?
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- No.
- Well...
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You might do one day. So, why don't you think about what I said?
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Shit! Roly...
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- Come to join the party?
- No.
- Oh.
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- Doing some light reading, then?
- The Death Conundrum.
- Sounds...
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..fun. Any cool quotes?
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"Life is the mouth of death's anus."
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I hear you and Mum have been talking about having another kid.
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- So, she told you, then?
- No, you just did.
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Your internet history was rather illuminating.
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Aphrodisiacs, primary school catchments, sperm enhancers -
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not very subtle, Bruce.
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Are you aware that the population is growing exponentially,
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with dwindling resources?
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Soon, we'll be living in a cyber slum,
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being sorted into naff personality groups
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like one of those dystopian novels Tiff's always reading.
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We're just toying with the idea.
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Speaking of toying,
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there were some interesting purchase links in your history too.
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What is a Pocket Dazzler? And does Mum know you have one?
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OK, Roly, I'm not really too comfortable talking to you about...
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Good chatting.
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Oh, I reached out to Bruce. No-one can say I didn't try.
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- How was the interview?
- They want me to write and produce.
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Oh, great.
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For a boyband.
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- Oh...
- Exactly.
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- I'm not doing it.
- Money's money.
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Plenty of respectable artists, and Ed Sheeran, write for boybands.
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Just for a pay cheque?
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I mean, that's not living, that's surviving.
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There's something else, though, isn't there?
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Have you lost something up your bum?
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Oh, no. I've seen those X-rays on Embarrassing Bodies.
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Was it a Sharpie? A battery?
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Was it an AA? Please, don't tell me it was a nine-volt.
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Do you remember your 14th birthday?
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Oh, you mean when my father announced
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that he was marrying Veronica,
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and my mother announced she was moving in with Bruce?
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Well, I had some bad news too.
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You got kicked out of your flat and Melody moved to New York.
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- Worse.
- She moved to Scunthorpe?
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Teresa's pregnant. Well, she was.
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But that was, like, a year and a half ago.
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So what's that? That's 12 months plus six months...
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- Wait a minute.
- Minus nine months.
- You mean...?
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- Nine months old.
- You're a father?
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No! Of course not.
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Well, maybe.
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I mean, it's not like she had a paternity test or anything,
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so it could be anyone's, you know. Postman, milkman, Ocado.
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Even if it is mine, which it's not,
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she never even asked me if I wanted to keep it.
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- It's not really your call, is it?
- No, obviously,
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but it would've been nice to at least have been kept in the loop.
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- With the child that's definitely not yours?
- Right.
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Is it a boy or a girl?
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I don't know. I haven't talked to her since your party.
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You haven't spoken to her about your child in a year and a half?
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She wouldn't answer any of my texts
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after I ignored her calls for two months.
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You've got to go and see that baby now.
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No! They're coming to deliver the package later,
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and I'm not missing it a second time.
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You've already missed the most important package there is.
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Let me think about it.
250
00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:44,520
Oh, what's Bruce made you today?
251
00:10:44,520 --> 00:10:46,200
It's bresaola and brie on rye.
252
00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:49,440
You've hit the jackpot there. Stan's never even peeled me a Babybel.
253
00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:51,960
I think he's just fattening me up for the apocalypse
254
00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:54,480
so he's got someone to eat. Do you want some?
255
00:10:54,480 --> 00:10:57,560
- I've got loads.
- I'd love to. I can't eat soft cheese at the moment.
256
00:10:57,560 --> 00:10:59,960
- Why, are you knocked up?
- I'm not supposed to say anything
257
00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:03,080
for another week, but... Yeah, I'm preggers.
258
00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:05,240
Is my hearing acting up?
259
00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:08,240
- Are you pregnant, Martha?
- Guilty as charged.
260
00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:11,040
Remember this time. Best is when they're little.
261
00:11:12,320 --> 00:11:14,960
- No way, I'm not falling for it.
- Please, just come up to the house.
262
00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:16,200
I need to show you something.
263
00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:18,360
I told you, I'm not moving till my package arrives.
264
00:11:18,360 --> 00:11:21,080
We can put a sign on the door. It'll only take two minutes, I promise,
265
00:11:21,080 --> 00:11:22,280
and it's something you love.
266
00:11:22,280 --> 00:11:24,480
If it's that photo of Serena Williams doing the splits,
267
00:11:24,480 --> 00:11:25,920
then I'm way ahead of you.
268
00:11:25,920 --> 00:11:28,760
Shell... What are you doing here?
269
00:11:28,760 --> 00:11:31,000
Relax. Errol explained everything.
270
00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:33,880
You're writing a song about parenthood and you needed research.
271
00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:36,600
- I think it's cool.
- Yeah, yeah, it is.
272
00:11:39,680 --> 00:11:40,920
So, is that your baby?
273
00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:42,920
No, I found him in Waitrose.
274
00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:44,560
Yes, it's my baby.
275
00:11:44,560 --> 00:11:47,120
This is Ethan. He's 18 months.
276
00:11:47,120 --> 00:11:49,040
Why don't people just say a year and a half?
277
00:11:49,040 --> 00:11:52,200
I mean, you don't catch me going I'm...
278
00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:54,320
- 412 months.
- 412 months.
279
00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:55,400
Yeah, I was a cynic too.
280
00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:57,640
I mean, after being a children's entertainer,
281
00:11:57,640 --> 00:11:59,280
I never wanted to see another kid again,
282
00:11:59,280 --> 00:12:01,600
but this primal instinct takes over.
283
00:12:01,600 --> 00:12:04,200
- It obviously suits you. You look great.
- Thanks.
284
00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:05,800
Do you remember how crazy I was before?
285
00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:09,560
I'm... I'm scared to answer that question.
286
00:12:09,560 --> 00:12:14,360
Ha-ha I just mean I thought I'd go proper bonkers postnatal,
287
00:12:14,360 --> 00:12:16,680
but it's actually balanced me out.
288
00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:19,680
Or maybe I have something bigger to worry about than myself, you know?
289
00:12:19,680 --> 00:12:21,880
I mean, don't get me wrong, he's a puke and shit machine,
290
00:12:21,880 --> 00:12:26,680
and when he came out, he practically ripped my vagina in two, but...
291
00:12:26,680 --> 00:12:29,480
No, don't worry, it's... it's fine now.
292
00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:31,080
Good, good.
293
00:12:31,080 --> 00:12:34,040
What qualities would you say make a great father?
294
00:12:34,040 --> 00:12:37,800
Someone who's patient, prioritises others' needs before his own,
295
00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:42,800
a provider, a protector, and willing to do late-night feeds.
296
00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:45,320
And what if he forgets to feed the baby?
297
00:12:45,320 --> 00:12:49,080
- He doesn't forget.
- Well, what if he is in the pub with his mates?
298
00:12:49,080 --> 00:12:51,840
- You don't have any mates.
- Well, what about going to the bathroom?
299
00:12:51,840 --> 00:12:54,800
Think of your baby like an iPhone. It goes everywhere you go.
300
00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:57,000
I'll try not to lose him down the back seat of a cab.
301
00:12:57,000 --> 00:13:00,880
What if I am writing some music, baby won't stop crying,
302
00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:03,960
so I slip him a little night-time cold medicine?
303
00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:06,720
Boom! Out like a light, takes the edge off things.
304
00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:08,480
Oh, it's a good job you're not a dad.
305
00:13:08,480 --> 00:13:10,360
I could be a dad. Kids love me.
306
00:13:10,360 --> 00:13:12,000
PHONE VIBRATES
307
00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:14,560
Shit, it's my boss.
308
00:13:14,560 --> 00:13:17,160
- Here, take him.
- I shouldn't, I've just had lunch.
309
00:13:17,160 --> 00:13:19,600
It's not like swimming. You don't have to wait two hours.
310
00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:21,040
That's a myth, by the way.
311
00:13:23,240 --> 00:13:24,560
Well, talk to him.
312
00:13:24,560 --> 00:13:26,040
Erm...
313
00:13:26,040 --> 00:13:29,240
Hello. My name's Andy.
314
00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:30,720
What's your name?
315
00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:32,960
What, are you just going to stare at my tits?
316
00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:35,320
- Language.
- He can't understand.
317
00:13:35,320 --> 00:13:37,120
Hey, you can say anything you want, can't you?
318
00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:41,560
# Tits and bums and dicks and pricks gently down the stream... #
319
00:13:41,560 --> 00:13:43,360
Why don't you try playing peekaboo?
320
00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:46,160
- That's a game children love, isn't it?
- Oh, do they, spaceman?
321
00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:48,520
Let me show you how it's done.
322
00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:51,320
Peekaboo. Peekaboo.
323
00:13:51,320 --> 00:13:53,760
- Peekaboo.
- You're not doing it right, you know that?
324
00:13:53,760 --> 00:13:55,720
It's more like...peekaboo!
325
00:13:55,720 --> 00:13:56,880
HE WAILS
326
00:13:56,880 --> 00:13:59,200
- Oh...
- What's going on?
327
00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:00,840
Ssh, it's OK.
328
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:03,160
What's going on in here?
329
00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:06,440
Hey-hey-hey, who's this little fella?
330
00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:08,560
- It's Ethan.
- Ethan?
331
00:14:23,960 --> 00:14:26,520
I'm done with the baby stuff, so don't even try.
332
00:14:26,520 --> 00:14:28,920
That's not why I'm here. No, you missed your package again.
333
00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:31,480
What? But I've waited in all afternoon.
334
00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:33,400
It's all right, we can collect it from the depot.
335
00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:35,720
I don't get it, this doesn't even look like the sort of place
336
00:14:35,720 --> 00:14:37,920
- where there would even be a depot.
- Andy!
337
00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:40,160
- Shit, that's Tom. I went to uni with him.
- Yeah, I know.
338
00:14:40,160 --> 00:14:42,560
I thought it might be good to get the dad perspective from up here.
339
00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:44,480
So I used your Facebook to contact an old friend.
340
00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:46,840
- How did you even get my password?
- Password 1234.
341
00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:48,640
Hardly requires the Enigma machine.
342
00:14:48,640 --> 00:14:50,000
- What about this?
- Photoshop.
343
00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:53,000
You horrible little Gollum, that is the last time I ever...
344
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:54,440
Hey, Tom!
345
00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:57,080
- Old friend!
- King Andy.
346
00:14:57,080 --> 00:14:59,080
Bring it in, my liege.
347
00:15:00,680 --> 00:15:02,320
It's great seeing you, man. And, Errol,
348
00:15:02,320 --> 00:15:05,120
I can't believe how big you've got. I remember the day you were born.
349
00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:08,040
Me and your uncle bunked off lectures and, boy, did we celebrate!
350
00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:09,320
You celebrated when I was born?
351
00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:11,880
Yeah, but, I mean, we used to celebrate when Countdown was on.
352
00:15:11,880 --> 00:15:13,520
One bong rip for every vowel.
353
00:15:13,520 --> 00:15:16,240
- Good times.
- What happened to us?
354
00:15:16,240 --> 00:15:17,480
Well, you got with Nancy,
355
00:15:17,480 --> 00:15:19,840
got married and then came the break-up speech.
356
00:15:19,840 --> 00:15:20,920
What break-up speech?
357
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:23,400
You know, mate takes you to a pub lunch, shows you the scan,
358
00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:26,080
you pretend to be happy and then comes the speech, "Look, man,
359
00:15:26,080 --> 00:15:28,280
"I promise you this baby ain't going to come between us.
360
00:15:28,280 --> 00:15:31,040
"We're still going to hang out and get wasted and go to gigs,
361
00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:33,480
"I'm not going to be one of them lame-mo dads, it's just a baby."
362
00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:36,040
- And then you never hear from them again.
- Yeah, sorry about that.
363
00:15:36,040 --> 00:15:38,000
You don't realise how much work it's going to be.
364
00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:40,640
Everything else just...drops away.
365
00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:42,040
- But do you know what?
- What?
366
00:15:42,040 --> 00:15:45,560
It's worth it, because kids give your life unimaginable meaning?
367
00:15:45,560 --> 00:15:47,560
- Pretty much.
- See, Uncle Andy?
368
00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:48,760
- It might suit you.
- Exactly.
369
00:15:48,760 --> 00:15:51,400
You don't lose your cool card just because you become a dad.
370
00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:54,720
Look at Keith Richards, Beckham, Obama.
371
00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:56,160
But you know the greatest part?
372
00:15:56,160 --> 00:15:59,160
It's like growing your own best friend, you can teach them anything.
373
00:15:59,160 --> 00:16:01,200
Bailey? Over here.
374
00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:05,760
- Who's a ledge?
- Dad is!
375
00:16:05,760 --> 00:16:07,360
Who's better? Blur or Oasis?
376
00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:08,680
They both suck!
377
00:16:08,680 --> 00:16:11,560
- What's your favourite game?
- Grand Theft Auto, duh!
378
00:16:11,560 --> 00:16:14,120
Attagirl. Bring it in.
379
00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:15,720
You have a go, ask her anything.
380
00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:17,000
What's your favourite food?
381
00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:18,840
Curry and a pint, obvs.
382
00:16:18,840 --> 00:16:20,920
What do you think about Brexit?
383
00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:23,800
- Dad?
- At ease, soldier. Off you go.
384
00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:25,400
See? Kids are awesome.
385
00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:27,560
If you had one, we could hang out all the time,
386
00:16:27,560 --> 00:16:28,880
just like the old days.
387
00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:30,680
Yeah, about that, I actually... PHONE DINGS
388
00:16:30,680 --> 00:16:33,240
Shit, I've got to jet, Bailey's got her Mandarin class.
389
00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:35,320
Oh, so she can do business in China, when she's older?
390
00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:38,440
- Clever.
- No, it's so she can watch Bruce Lee movies
391
00:16:38,440 --> 00:16:40,040
without the subtitles.
392
00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:42,600
How cool is that? Bailey?
393
00:16:42,600 --> 00:16:43,760
Let's do this again.
394
00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:09,440
- It is not!
- It is, too!
395
00:17:09,440 --> 00:17:10,720
It's my body, my choice.
396
00:17:10,720 --> 00:17:13,280
I know, sweetie, I just don't want to see you make a big mistake
397
00:17:13,280 --> 00:17:16,440
that you can't take back. It's for life.
398
00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:19,720
Gwen? Are you up the duff?
399
00:17:19,720 --> 00:17:23,160
Don't be stupid. I'm getting another tattoo, but Dad says I can't.
400
00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:25,760
I didn't say you couldn't, I said don't get a shit one.
401
00:17:25,760 --> 00:17:27,520
It's not shit!
402
00:17:27,520 --> 00:17:30,360
They are backpacking across Asia next month.
403
00:17:30,360 --> 00:17:35,640
She wants to get "I love Casper" tattooed on her neck in Thai.
404
00:17:35,640 --> 00:17:36,720
BOTH GROAN
405
00:17:36,720 --> 00:17:37,800
Thank you!
406
00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:39,720
See? It's a dumb idea.
407
00:17:39,720 --> 00:17:41,520
Not to mention cultural appropriation.
408
00:17:41,520 --> 00:17:42,560
Yeah, come on, Gwen,
409
00:17:42,560 --> 00:17:45,040
you know they always tattoo rando swearwords on drunk Brits.
410
00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:47,720
You're one to talk, "Will you go out with me, Dolores?"
411
00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:51,600
And as much as I love Casper, what happens if you break up?
412
00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:53,400
Need I remind you...
413
00:17:53,400 --> 00:17:55,000
Who cares if it lasts?
414
00:17:55,000 --> 00:17:57,280
I am watermarking my life.
415
00:17:57,280 --> 00:17:59,760
You're all just jealous you're not in love.
416
00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:02,120
Never have kids.
417
00:18:03,480 --> 00:18:08,880
Right, so, that's 150, which leaves 600 remaining.
418
00:18:08,880 --> 00:18:11,240
Oh, shit jingles are really paying off.
419
00:18:11,240 --> 00:18:12,520
Your approval means a lot.
420
00:18:14,120 --> 00:18:16,440
Do you think she'll listen to you on the whole tattoo thing?
421
00:18:16,440 --> 00:18:17,720
Does she ever? It's OK,
422
00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:22,760
I'll squirrel a little into a fund for laser removal and she'll kiss me
423
00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:24,520
and call me a genius.
424
00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:27,040
Can I ask you something?
425
00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:30,200
Did you know you were ready to be a dad?
426
00:18:30,200 --> 00:18:31,520
I swore I would never be one.
427
00:18:31,520 --> 00:18:34,600
I didn't want anyone to inherit my dad's genes.
428
00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:36,240
When Stella told me she was pregnant,
429
00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:38,640
I begged her to get rid of it, but when Gwen arrived...
430
00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:41,520
You realised she was the greatest mistake of your life?
431
00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:44,440
No, that's when the real nightmare began.
432
00:18:44,440 --> 00:18:47,640
Before they're born, you're just praying for ten fingers and toes.
433
00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:50,680
It's up to the gods. But once they're out, it's up to you.
434
00:18:50,680 --> 00:18:51,920
Every decision counts.
435
00:18:51,920 --> 00:18:54,040
Give them the wrong name, they're the school joke.
436
00:18:54,040 --> 00:18:55,760
Mary? Hairy Mary.
437
00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:57,520
Elizabeth?
438
00:18:57,520 --> 00:18:59,680
Jizzy Lizzie.
439
00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:01,600
It's like you're being given a lit candle
440
00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:03,600
and there's a hurricane coming.
441
00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:06,920
Every moment you're convinced you're causing irreparable damage,
442
00:19:06,920 --> 00:19:08,320
and the truth is...
443
00:19:09,760 --> 00:19:10,920
..you are.
444
00:19:10,920 --> 00:19:13,480
And then, when they're old enough to drive, to date,
445
00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:15,400
to leave home, all you do is worry.
446
00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:19,240
She fills my life with meaning and terror.
447
00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:22,280
It's the curse that keeps giving.
448
00:19:22,280 --> 00:19:24,240
And you know the best I can hope for?
449
00:19:24,240 --> 00:19:27,160
- Grandkids?
- That I die before her.
450
00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:34,120
Still, I wouldn't trade it for a second.
451
00:19:34,120 --> 00:19:38,680
Oh, if I tell her you talked me into that tattoo,
452
00:19:38,680 --> 00:19:41,120
she definitely won't get it done, just to spite you.
453
00:19:42,920 --> 00:19:45,160
I'm brilliant.
454
00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:47,240
So, what did you and Val chat about?
455
00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:49,320
Make-up tips and stuff.
456
00:19:49,320 --> 00:19:53,120
Listen, I think it's best I leave Teresa and the baby alone,
457
00:19:53,120 --> 00:19:54,480
they're better off without me.
458
00:19:54,480 --> 00:19:56,240
Uncle Andy, if you don't do this now,
459
00:19:56,240 --> 00:19:58,920
the kid's going to turn up at your doorstep someday like, "Dad,
460
00:19:58,920 --> 00:20:01,080
"I never knew you, and now I'm really mental."
461
00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:02,760
I can't have a kid, I haven't got any money.
462
00:20:02,760 --> 00:20:04,160
You already have a baby.
463
00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:05,440
And you were offered a good job.
464
00:20:05,440 --> 00:20:08,160
- No way, I'm not selling out.
- You make radio jingles.
465
00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:10,200
And you produce demos for people you loathe.
466
00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:11,360
This can't be any worse.
467
00:20:11,360 --> 00:20:14,000
You can write pop tunes in your sleep, and if it all goes well,
468
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:16,160
then you'll have a platform to go solo.
469
00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:18,040
Seasick Steve didn't release his first album
470
00:20:18,040 --> 00:20:19,240
until he was in his sixties
471
00:20:19,240 --> 00:20:21,040
- and do you know what he did before that?
- Drugs?
472
00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:22,720
He wrote and produced.
473
00:20:22,720 --> 00:20:24,920
Just like Kanye and Carole King.
474
00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:27,880
Fine, I'll do it.
475
00:20:27,880 --> 00:20:29,360
On one condition.
476
00:20:29,360 --> 00:20:31,720
Sorry, Marsh, I tried to stop them.
477
00:20:32,720 --> 00:20:33,760
I'll take the gig.
478
00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:37,000
- OK.
- He has conditions, though.
479
00:20:38,640 --> 00:20:40,520
- Who are you?
- He's my condition.
480
00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:41,960
Well, he's my nephew.
481
00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:45,200
He's my co-writer. I can't do the pop crap without him.
482
00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:47,520
- Can you sing?
- No, he's rubbish.
483
00:20:47,520 --> 00:20:49,360
So, have we got a deal?
484
00:20:49,360 --> 00:20:50,800
Sure, OK.
485
00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:53,960
What brought you round?
486
00:20:59,640 --> 00:21:02,080
- Do you think it'll be a boy or a girl?
- Boys can wear pink.
487
00:21:02,080 --> 00:21:03,360
Girls can wear blue.
488
00:21:03,360 --> 00:21:06,760
We'll only be free once we finally defeat the hegemonic patriarchy
489
00:21:06,760 --> 00:21:08,440
of enforced masculinity.
490
00:21:08,440 --> 00:21:10,320
Uh-huh. Red it is.
491
00:21:10,320 --> 00:21:11,680
I think I'd love a little pal.
492
00:21:11,680 --> 00:21:13,320
We'll just chill out,
493
00:21:13,320 --> 00:21:16,960
eating rusks while Daddy gets buzzed watching CBeebies.
494
00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:18,480
But CBeebies is our thing.
495
00:21:21,560 --> 00:21:25,280
Look, man, I want you to know that nothing is going to come between us,
496
00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:27,280
we'll still hang out like we always do.
497
00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:29,840
Nothing's going to change, it's just a baby.
498
00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:35,040
Yeah, yeah. I could probably be a great first cousin,
499
00:21:35,040 --> 00:21:37,520
I could teach them how to prepare a microscope slide
500
00:21:37,520 --> 00:21:39,640
and the proper way to dispose of light bulbs.
501
00:21:39,640 --> 00:21:41,000
And Mozart's full name,
502
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:45,920
Johannes Chrysostomus Wolfgangus Theophilus Mozart.
503
00:21:45,920 --> 00:21:47,200
It's all about family.
504
00:21:48,520 --> 00:21:53,480
If we all open up our hearts, there's enough love for everyone.
505
00:21:55,760 --> 00:21:56,800
I've got to go.
506
00:21:58,320 --> 00:22:00,240
I'll see you at the house.
507
00:22:00,240 --> 00:22:01,560
Good luck.
508
00:22:01,560 --> 00:22:03,120
DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES
509
00:22:06,240 --> 00:22:08,040
TILL BEEPS
510
00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:09,440
Do you want this gift-wrapped?
511
00:22:09,440 --> 00:22:11,920
- Is it for a friend's shower?
- No, it's for...
512
00:22:14,360 --> 00:22:16,800
..MY baby.
513
00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:21,200
# Maybe, baby
514
00:22:21,200 --> 00:22:25,320
# You're gonna cut like a knife
515
00:22:25,320 --> 00:22:29,480
# Maybe, baby
516
00:22:29,480 --> 00:22:33,040
# You're gonna light up my life
517
00:22:33,040 --> 00:22:37,200
# Maybe you'll be my son or you'll be my daughter
518
00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:41,520
# I'll protect you through hail, rains, winds, fog and high water
519
00:22:41,520 --> 00:22:45,720
# If you just take my hand, we can walk through this land
520
00:22:45,720 --> 00:22:49,720
# And I'll help you to build all your dreams in sand
521
00:22:49,720 --> 00:22:53,960
# Sometimes, sunshine
522
00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:58,480
# You're gonna brighten my days
523
00:22:58,480 --> 00:23:02,480
# Wake me, shake me
524
00:23:02,480 --> 00:23:06,280
# I'm gonna bask in your rays
525
00:23:06,280 --> 00:23:10,440
# You'll be my kid and I'll be your dad
526
00:23:10,440 --> 00:23:14,400
# Come dry your eyes every time you are sad
527
00:23:14,400 --> 00:23:18,560
# You'll follow me blindly and obey my command
528
00:23:18,560 --> 00:23:22,560
# You'll fetch me my beers with your small baby hand
529
00:23:22,560 --> 00:23:26,360
# They can lock me away and throw away the key
530
00:23:26,360 --> 00:23:30,480
# Cos if love is a crime then I'm pleading guilty
531
00:23:30,480 --> 00:23:34,800
# When the meteors strike and the land turns to dust
532
00:23:34,800 --> 00:23:36,840
# I'll still love you, my child
533
00:23:36,840 --> 00:23:39,040
# On my love you can trust
534
00:23:39,040 --> 00:23:43,080
# I'll be one step behind cos my love never stops
535
00:23:43,080 --> 00:23:45,320
# You'll be right on my mind
536
00:23:45,320 --> 00:23:47,800
# Kid, I think you are tops
537
00:23:47,800 --> 00:23:51,840
# Maybe, baby
538
00:23:51,840 --> 00:23:56,800
# You're gonna light up my life. #
539
00:23:58,560 --> 00:24:00,480
Hi.
540
00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:03,240
Wait! I know I'm probably the last person you want to see right now.
541
00:24:03,240 --> 00:24:05,120
You think you can just waltz up here,
542
00:24:05,120 --> 00:24:06,800
after disappearing for over a year?
543
00:24:06,800 --> 00:24:09,960
I called and called.
544
00:24:09,960 --> 00:24:11,840
I couldn't handle the responsibility.
545
00:24:11,840 --> 00:24:14,000
I was cowardly and selfish.
546
00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:16,320
And I know I've got a lot of making up to do, but...
547
00:24:18,600 --> 00:24:20,840
..I've sorted out my priorities.
548
00:24:20,840 --> 00:24:22,880
I'm ready to be a father to our child.
549
00:24:22,880 --> 00:24:25,640
And, don't worry, I won't ask to try your breast milk.
550
00:24:25,640 --> 00:24:28,200
Unless you insist. I want to do this 50/50.
551
00:24:28,200 --> 00:24:29,880
I've even got myself a sell-out job.
552
00:24:29,880 --> 00:24:32,560
And I can teach the kid to be cool and teach it the guitar
553
00:24:32,560 --> 00:24:35,200
and the air guitar and you can teach the kid to be,
554
00:24:35,200 --> 00:24:37,680
you know, classy and put it in the posh school.
555
00:24:37,680 --> 00:24:41,640
And they can have friends with names like Sebastian and...
556
00:24:41,640 --> 00:24:43,840
and Raspberry.
557
00:24:43,840 --> 00:24:47,040
And I'm not expecting us to be a couple, but I'll be there for you,
558
00:24:47,040 --> 00:24:50,080
you know, whatever you need. Whatever you both need.
559
00:24:51,280 --> 00:24:52,560
I got rid of it.
560
00:24:53,880 --> 00:24:54,960
You mean...
561
00:24:56,880 --> 00:24:58,880
..you put it up for adoption?
562
00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:02,200
An abortion, Andy. I had an abortion.
563
00:25:03,320 --> 00:25:05,400
Because I didn't call?
564
00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:07,560
You...
565
00:25:07,560 --> 00:25:09,040
You got rid of it cos of me?
566
00:25:09,040 --> 00:25:10,640
Because of me.
567
00:25:10,640 --> 00:25:16,280
I'm perimenopausal, I'm on statins and HRT, I smoke, I drink.
568
00:25:16,280 --> 00:25:18,560
The scans found abnormalities.
569
00:25:18,560 --> 00:25:21,440
It's just as well. I don't think either of us was really up to it,
570
00:25:21,440 --> 00:25:22,720
were we?
571
00:25:22,720 --> 00:25:24,440
I'm too old and you're too...
572
00:25:25,600 --> 00:25:26,640
..you know.
573
00:25:27,720 --> 00:25:29,480
Would you like to come in for a tea?
574
00:25:30,880 --> 00:25:32,480
I should probably get going.
575
00:25:32,480 --> 00:25:34,760
What's in the bag?
576
00:25:34,760 --> 00:25:36,320
Nothing.
577
00:25:36,320 --> 00:25:38,400
It's good to see you, Teresa.
578
00:25:44,520 --> 00:25:47,680
Bruce, are you home?
579
00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:49,760
I'm ready to work on the man cave now.
580
00:25:49,760 --> 00:25:52,160
HAMMERING
581
00:25:52,160 --> 00:25:54,080
- Oh. Hey, Roly.
- You finished it already?
582
00:25:54,080 --> 00:25:56,120
Well, I had some help from the master builder here.
583
00:25:56,120 --> 00:25:59,040
- What do you think?
- Nice job, Gibson.
- Huh?
584
00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:01,440
We added a special touch, just for you.
585
00:26:02,720 --> 00:26:04,360
I'm going to go get a picture.
586
00:26:05,800 --> 00:26:09,520
- Weren't you meant to be helping Bruce?
- Yeah.
587
00:26:09,520 --> 00:26:13,720
You know, I thought he was a dork when he first moved in with my mum.
588
00:26:13,720 --> 00:26:15,680
And what about now?
589
00:26:15,680 --> 00:26:18,280
I mean, he's still a dork, but he's my dork.
590
00:26:18,280 --> 00:26:20,320
Good thing I've got my selfie stick.
591
00:26:20,320 --> 00:26:24,640
# Maybe, baby
592
00:26:24,640 --> 00:26:28,800
# You're gonna cut like a knife... #
593
00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:30,280
Well, hello there, Mr Dad.
594
00:26:30,280 --> 00:26:33,560
- How did it go?
- She never had the baby.
595
00:26:33,560 --> 00:26:34,640
Oh, that sucks.
596
00:26:34,640 --> 00:26:36,240
Are you kidding? It's amazing news.
597
00:26:36,240 --> 00:26:38,120
I mean, I dodged a bullet there.
598
00:26:38,120 --> 00:26:39,880
Can you imagine me being a dad?
599
00:26:39,880 --> 00:26:41,240
Can a dad do this?
600
00:26:47,040 --> 00:26:49,520
HE BURPS
601
00:26:50,520 --> 00:26:52,720
Probably for the best, yeah.
602
00:26:52,720 --> 00:26:55,040
Your package arrived.
603
00:26:55,040 --> 00:26:56,800
Are you going to tell me what's in it, then?
604
00:26:56,800 --> 00:26:59,080
- I was just stocking up on plectrums.
- Plectrum?
605
00:26:59,080 --> 00:27:00,720
I hardly knew him!
606
00:27:01,920 --> 00:27:03,760
- Good one.
- Mm.
607
00:27:05,360 --> 00:27:07,800
- Do you want to watch some CBeebies?
- Maybe later.
608
00:27:07,800 --> 00:27:11,560
Just as well, because I've got some reading to catch up on, anyway.
609
00:27:22,400 --> 00:27:24,520
Oh, thank Christ, you've done the shopping.
610
00:27:24,520 --> 00:27:26,600
- Did you get the OJ?
- Yeah, and I got you your own,
611
00:27:26,600 --> 00:27:28,640
so you can stop stealing ours, shithead.
612
00:27:28,640 --> 00:27:30,720
How was Roly? Did you talk about Bruce?
613
00:27:30,720 --> 00:27:32,320
Yeah, we covered the whole dad thing.
614
00:27:32,320 --> 00:27:34,160
So, I think I am going to try for a baby.
615
00:27:34,160 --> 00:27:36,000
What about the career and the book club?
616
00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:37,880
Screw book club, we're reading Wolf Hall.
617
00:27:37,880 --> 00:27:39,600
But that's already a TV show!
618
00:27:39,600 --> 00:27:41,200
I know, that's what I said.
619
00:27:41,200 --> 00:27:43,440
Anyway, I'd just really like to raise a little grub
620
00:27:43,440 --> 00:27:46,160
with Bruce that's ours. You don't think I'm crazy, do you?
621
00:27:46,160 --> 00:27:48,600
No, we need some fresh blood in this clan.
622
00:27:48,600 --> 00:27:50,680
Are you staying for dinner? We're having spag bol.
623
00:27:50,680 --> 00:27:52,000
No, I've got work to do.
624
00:27:53,680 --> 00:27:55,680
Everyone, dinner's ready!
625
00:27:57,160 --> 00:27:58,880
Hey, Tiff, how was your week?
626
00:27:58,880 --> 00:28:00,760
Mum started talking about getting a dog.
627
00:28:00,760 --> 00:28:03,280
- Wouldn't you like a pooch?
- There's enough crazy in this family
628
00:28:03,280 --> 00:28:05,200
without bringing an innocent life into it.
629
00:28:05,200 --> 00:28:07,360
Hey, Bruce, you know there's a gluten-free section
630
00:28:07,360 --> 00:28:08,680
at the Polish bakery festival?
631
00:28:08,680 --> 00:28:10,960
- We should definitely check it out when we go.
- We?
632
00:28:12,280 --> 00:28:14,200
I mean, yeah.
633
00:28:14,200 --> 00:28:17,200
Hey, did you know there are over 500 species of yeast
634
00:28:17,200 --> 00:28:18,800
but within a single species,
635
00:28:18,800 --> 00:28:21,640
there can be literally thousands of genetically distinct strains?
636
00:28:21,640 --> 00:28:23,840
- That's pretty cool.
- Dorks.
637
00:28:23,840 --> 00:28:27,880
Father And Son by Cat Stevens
638
00:28:30,160 --> 00:28:34,000
# It's not time to make a change
639
00:28:34,000 --> 00:28:37,840
# Just relax, take it easy
640
00:28:37,840 --> 00:28:41,480
# You're still young, that's your fault
641
00:28:41,480 --> 00:28:44,760
# There's so much you have to know
642
00:28:44,760 --> 00:28:48,680
# Find a girl, settle down
643
00:28:48,680 --> 00:28:52,200
# If you want you can marry
644
00:28:52,200 --> 00:28:55,960
# Look at me, I am old
645
00:28:55,960 --> 00:28:59,280
# But I'm happy
646
00:28:59,280 --> 00:29:03,280
# I was once like you are now
647
00:29:03,280 --> 00:29:06,600
# And I know that it's not easy
648
00:29:06,600 --> 00:29:12,120
# To be calm when you've found something going on... #
50657
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