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Trick or treat!
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Andy, what are you doing here?
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I told you never to come without an invitation.
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I haven't heard from you in a couple of weeks,
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so I thought I'd surprise you and be spontaneous and fun-loving.
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My husband's home. And the neighbour's blinds are open.
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Can I interest you in some Jehovah's Witness literature?
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Andy, I think we're done.
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You're getting too attached.
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What? No, I'm not, see?
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You sent me 20 naked selfies.
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I know, I was kind of going for that flip book approach, you know?
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MAKES FLIPPING SOUND
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I love my husband. I don't want to ruin my marriage.
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OK. You know... We can just be friends.
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You? Want to be friends? You can't be friends with women.
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Why not? I love women.
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I haven't known you long
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but long enough to know that you break everything you love.
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If you really love women, you'll leave them alone.
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Andy?
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- Shelley?
- You all right?
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Yeah, I'm just doing some... Light reading.
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In the feminist book section?
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Yeah, it's part of my new, er, overhaul.
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I'm eating goji berries now as well.
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Good for you. How are things?
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Yeah, good. I mean, the music stuff is picking up.
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How about you, you still doing party gigs?
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No, I quit. I couldn't stand it any more.
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I started working for a label. I'm a music video commissioner now.
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Oh, you joined the enemy?
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I get to nurture new acts, see loads of gigs.
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Happiest I've ever been.
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Except for that time that me and you were together?
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Yeah. Of course.
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Look, I... I'm sorry about...
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Andy, it's fine. Going out with you was an important part of my life.
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I mean, my self-esteem was at an all time low
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and my career was going nowhere.
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But, you know, I had to hit rock bottom to pick myself up again.
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Well, you know, glad that I could help.
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So, you seeing anyone?
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Yeah. Lyle. For about a year now.
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He likes Mumford & Sons, you'd hate him. You?
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Nah. No. No, no.
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Just taking time for myself, really.
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Practically living like a monk.
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- How's Errol?
- Yeah, he's good. You know, still weird.
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LAUGHTER
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Look, do you want to maybe, um, get a bite to eat some time?
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You know, just as friends?
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You want to be just friends?
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Yeah, why not? I mean, you're seeing Mumford & Sons
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and I've taken a vow of celibacy.
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I'm not monk-ing about.
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Yeah, maybe some time.
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Yeah, sounds goo...
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Whoo!
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HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY
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Um, er, how long?
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Eight months. You're still happy being friends, right?
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Baby, maybe. Definitely.
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Nice seeing you, Andy.
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Hello?
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Andy, what are you doing here?
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- Shelley's pregnant.
- Great, but you can't just come in out of the blue.
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I gave you the key for emergencies.
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Shelley's knocked up, this is an emergency. She looked so happy.
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I've never made anyone that happy. Is Errol in?
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Er, no, he's just, he's, er, he's getting his costume
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for the school Halloween party.
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I'll just crash here until he gets back.
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No! You should go.
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Have you got someone here?
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Yeah, right I wish.
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Yeah, the only action I'm getting is my spinning class.
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"Earn the burn", "Spin to win"...
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Fine, I'll go.
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No! No. You should stay.
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Are you hungry?
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- Hey, sweetie. How'd it go?
- It was a nightmare.
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I wanted to go as Isaac Newton but they ran out of baroque wigs.
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Oh, no! I hate it when that happens.
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If I go wearing these clothes, holding a Guardian,
86
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could I pass for Edward Snowden?
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- Oh, shit.
- What?
- Amy's dropped out.
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We're a chaperone short for the party tonight.
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It's just a bunch of geeky kids, how many chaperones
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- do you need?
- An army.
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Last year, there were smoke bombs in the faculty lounge, laxatives in the
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punch bowl, chilli oil on the toffee apples, an unplanned pregnancy...
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Sounds like an average night out in Camden.
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Why don't you chaperone then?
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- Hell, no.
- Mum, I like Uncle Andy, and even I think that's a horrible idea.
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Come on, you can handle kids.
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Plus, Melodie will be there.
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No.
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No, she's taken and I'm busy.
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You don't want me there, anyway.
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I'll just balls things up like I normally do.
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I always end up an emotional wreck at these things.
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And I always have a chance to look cool and blow it.
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So what if we just decide to not do our usual shit tonight, guys?
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This family is capable of having one night out, without self-destructing.
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We just have to think before we act
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or speak or think.
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Who is with me?
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Fuck it, I'm in.
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As long as I get to choose Edward Snowden's costume.
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- Deal.
- Wait, what?
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Are you sure people are going to get this?
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I don't just look like an underage mortician?
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Relax. You look cool.
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I'd better. This costume has to get me my first kiss.
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HE LAUGHS
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First kiss?!
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No, I mean, no biggy.
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You know, nerds bloom late.
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Once you're there and have your own million-dollar software
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corporation, women'll be climbing over each other to get you.
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I can't wait that long, though.
123
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Boys who don't hit certain social milestones
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are more likely to become serial killers!
125
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All right, all right, calm down. Have you even got a girl in mind?
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Ruby. I think she's been flirting with me.
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The other day I asked her if I could borrow her pen
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and she actually gave it to me.
129
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Wow, not a whole pen! What about that One Direction thing?
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Oh, she's moved on. She's into Mumford & Sons now.
131
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I can't believe you wouldn't lend me a keyboard.
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Keyboards aren't props.
133
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Yeah, but it's not Keytar Cat.
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Whatevs, at least I'm wearing a costume.
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- This is a costume.
- No-one is going to get it.
136
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People with taste will get it.
137
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The only people that are going to get
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- yours are weird, creepy internet geeks.
- Hey, Keyboard Cat!
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Looking great, guys.
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Thanks.
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Can you guess what we've come as?
142
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Course. The Specials are my all-time favourite band.
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Rudy rude boys forever!
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- See?
- What a frightful bunch!
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Hi, Ms Vaughn. You look fab.
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- Can you guess what I am?
- A witch?
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I'm a Fairy God Mother.
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Ms Vaughn, this is my brother Andy. He's filling in for Amy.
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If you need something filling in, then I'm your man.
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I'm loving the whole MI5 thing.
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Spooks is my favourite.
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Here are your chaperone badges.
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Remember, we don't want any trouble tonight.
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Mr Foster! Hands out of the punch bowl now!
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Girls and boys need at least one foot between them.
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We don't want a repeat of last year.
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Of course, I don't have to worry about you, Errol!
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- Bitch.
- Errol!
- What? I said witch.
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Which reminds me that I need a drink.
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So, I guess we should, er, partner up as, er, chaperone buddies?
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Oh, yeah. Good idea.
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Have fun.
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Pathetic. They think they're being subtle.
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Seriously. When did you find out?
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- About a month. You?
- Same.
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I was playing Flappy Bird on Bruce's phone when your mum texted
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"I need my meat injection." Cringe.
168
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Are all adults as embarrassing as this or is it just our parents?
169
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Old people make everything gross.
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Hope I'm not as gross as that if I ever fall in love.
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Yeah.
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Er, cool suit, by the way.
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What? Oh, er, thanks, yeah.
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It's from some dumb movie that Uncle Andy's obsessed with.
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It's giving me a bit of a wedgie.
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No screaming or running! And get back inside.
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What is there about this night that turns our little angels into devils?
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You tell me. I'm feeling a little bit devilish myself.
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Is Keyboard Cat in heat?
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Depends, does 1950s robot need me to change his oil?
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Seriously, can you even get out of this thing?
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You'll be pleased to know this costume is modular.
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Nice try, dipshit.
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Hey, that's my dad's!
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Well, you can tell your dad...
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That he has got shit taste in whisky.
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What are you even doing here, loser?
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Well, I got finished slamming your mum early,
189
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so, er, nice costume by the way.
190
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Bit on the nose, don't you think?
191
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What're you supposed to be, A shit Men in Black?
192
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- Jake Blues, The Blues Brothers?
- Never heard of it.
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Obviously. It's not a Pixar film.
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What a massive dick.
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Yeah? That's what your dad said...
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When your mum...
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Told him how big I was.
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LAUGHTER
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Go on, get in there, that's it, Charlie!
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Just friends, you can do this.
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That's it, you can do it!
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Hey, friend!
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Hey, Andy. Nice Matrix costume.
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Oh, er, thank you.
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What do you think of mine? Made it myself.
206
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It looks really well-made.
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Oh, can I, er, can I tempt you?
208
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Oh, um...
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Not right now.
210
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Er, Matrix men don't eat, remember.
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Hey kiddies, how's it shaking?
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Hey, Ryan. That's a really good Back to the Future costume.
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Do you think?
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I was sort of torn between Marty and George McFly, to be honest.
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"I'm your density."
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I mean, "Destiny."
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Aw, you're so cute.
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Keep an eye on this one.
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SHE SMACKS HIM
220
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So, um, Melodie said you've got a really sick discography at home.
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Melodie mentioned that she'd been round my flat?
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Yeah, the night you guys got really mashed up.
223
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Don't look so stricken, Andy, she tells me everything.
224
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Said that you have the best music taste out of any guy she'd ever met.
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Oh, aside from you, obviously.
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Obviously.
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But what is most important is that we hate the same bands.
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Mumford & Sons.
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I made them break up using just my psychic powers.
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All right?
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Yeah.
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I saw Alfie spit on those.
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We should go and mingle.
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- Do you want to come and talk to Ruby with me?
- No.
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Come on. You two can talk about girl things.
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I hate girl things.
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I love jamming in my spare time
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but the music career thing, just a bit of a lark.
239
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Teaching is my true calling.
240
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Like Pryzbylewski in, er, season 4 of The Wire.
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I'm so heterosexually attracted to you right now.
242
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If it wasn't for the old lady friend...
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She's a good one.
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She's THE one.
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Never been more certain of anything in my whole life.
246
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Oh, Mr Sardson, someone let off a stink bomb in the boys loo.
247
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Well, duty calls.
248
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Are you leaving without saying goodbye, then?
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Hey. Yeah.
250
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Er, I'm not feeling so hot.
251
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Must be a glitch in the Matrix or something
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but, um... It was really nice seeing you.
253
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And...you look really happy.
254
00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:43,000
Excuse me, Ms Thomas, Ms Thomas.
255
00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:45,880
A girl just slipped down the stairs, I think she's broken her ankle!
256
00:10:45,880 --> 00:10:47,760
Oh, God. Andy, will you come help?
257
00:10:52,680 --> 00:10:54,080
Er, yep.
258
00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:56,040
Everything seems in order.
259
00:10:56,040 --> 00:10:57,360
She's just in there.
260
00:10:57,360 --> 00:10:58,440
Where is she?
261
00:10:58,440 --> 00:11:01,800
Well, well, if it ain't Snore White and Men in Crap.
262
00:11:01,800 --> 00:11:02,840
Oh, shit.
263
00:11:02,840 --> 00:11:05,800
Enjoy your all-night lez-off, ladies.
264
00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:06,960
Alfie, no!
265
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:09,800
Alfie Foster, you are in deep shit!
266
00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:11,480
- Hi, Ruby.
- Oh, hey, guys.
267
00:11:11,480 --> 00:11:12,800
Nice dress.
268
00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:15,440
Cool ghost costume. I like yours too, Errol.
269
00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:16,880
It's giving him a wedgie.
270
00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:19,320
She's joking.
271
00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:24,920
So, Ruby, have you started your period yet?
272
00:11:24,920 --> 00:11:26,840
- Er...
- Ha-ha...
273
00:11:26,840 --> 00:11:29,560
No, I had to go out and buy my mum some tampons the other week.
274
00:11:29,560 --> 00:11:32,800
Yeah, I think the cashier thought I was some sort of boyish lesbian.
275
00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:35,360
You know tampons have been around since ancient Egypt?
276
00:11:35,360 --> 00:11:37,960
They used to call periods "the Pharaoh's curse."
277
00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:39,280
Crazy stuff, right?
278
00:11:39,280 --> 00:11:40,560
Ladies?!
279
00:11:40,560 --> 00:11:43,080
Hey, Rubes, we stole Ms Vaughn's keys and we're going to the
280
00:11:43,080 --> 00:11:45,480
staff room to play Seven Minutes In Heaven, want to come?
281
00:11:45,480 --> 00:11:46,880
What's Seven Minutes In Heaven?
282
00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:48,480
Kissing game you play in a cupboard.
283
00:11:48,480 --> 00:11:49,880
You can bring your friends too.
284
00:11:49,880 --> 00:11:51,200
What about Errol and Tiffany?
285
00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:53,440
Air-hole and Tuf-fanny? I don't think so.
286
00:11:53,440 --> 00:11:56,520
It's either me and ALL my friends, or none of us at all.
287
00:11:58,400 --> 00:11:59,960
Someone help!
288
00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:02,080
Who designed this door, Josef Fritzl?!
289
00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:04,200
Shit, I haven't got any bars, have you?
290
00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:06,680
No. Alfie'd better get expelled for this.
291
00:12:06,680 --> 00:12:10,360
Yeah, well, his dad's on the board of governors. He's untouchable.
292
00:12:10,360 --> 00:12:14,400
Well, at least it's not my fault.
293
00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:16,160
Why would it be your fault?
294
00:12:16,160 --> 00:12:17,880
It doesn't matter.
295
00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:21,480
Well, Ryan'll come looking for us once he sees I'm missing.
296
00:12:21,480 --> 00:12:24,160
And if not, the caretaker will definitely unlock the door...
297
00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:27,000
- That's good.
- ..at 5am.
298
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:28,640
Fuck him.
299
00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:31,160
And now I'm dying of thirst.
300
00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:38,240
Well, it's not water but it's wet.
301
00:12:39,720 --> 00:12:41,680
So, should probably tell the kids soon, right?
302
00:12:41,680 --> 00:12:43,920
Totally. Yeah, I'm just waiting for the right time.
303
00:12:43,920 --> 00:12:46,360
Errol's been annoyed with his dad lately and I'm enjoying
304
00:12:46,360 --> 00:12:48,920
- being the good guy for once.
- I just hope Claire doesn't try to
305
00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:50,240
murder you when she finds out.
306
00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:52,800
Why would she? You're getting a divorce, she cheated on you.
307
00:12:52,800 --> 00:12:54,240
Her brain doesn't work like that.
308
00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:57,200
When we were together, I wasn't allowed any female Facebook friends.
309
00:12:57,200 --> 00:12:59,680
- Shit.
- Exactly.
310
00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:02,840
- I have a confession.
- Er, shoot.
311
00:13:02,840 --> 00:13:04,720
Claire didn't leave me. I left her.
312
00:13:04,720 --> 00:13:07,560
- OK...
- And now she's trying to win me back.
- What? Why don't you just
313
00:13:07,560 --> 00:13:08,800
tell her we're together!
314
00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:10,600
Claire! You look great.
315
00:13:10,600 --> 00:13:12,680
And look at this hunky robot.
316
00:13:15,240 --> 00:13:17,880
Ooh, you wear my favourite cologne.
317
00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:19,880
Like a Boy Scout, always prepared.
318
00:13:19,880 --> 00:13:22,040
Hey, Claire. That costume's fab.
319
00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:25,360
What costume?
320
00:13:25,360 --> 00:13:26,920
Kidding!
321
00:13:26,920 --> 00:13:29,720
Charlie's Angels used to be mine and Bruce's favourite role play.
322
00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:31,640
Anyway, how are you, Sam? It's been too long.
323
00:13:31,640 --> 00:13:33,600
I probably didn't have these whiskers then.
324
00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:34,840
Actually, you did.
325
00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:36,960
Seriously though, if you want to pop in the salon,
326
00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:38,200
we'll wax that right off.
327
00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:40,160
So, you still doing that psychology stuff?
328
00:13:40,160 --> 00:13:42,920
- I always thought Bruce should go to therapy.
- Sorry, can we not...
329
00:13:42,920 --> 00:13:45,560
Oh, relax. It's only Sam.
330
00:13:45,560 --> 00:13:48,160
It's not like she's your girlfriend.
331
00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:49,760
Has anyone seen my keys?
332
00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:51,000
Anyone seen Melodie?
333
00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:52,600
Actually, where's Andy and Errol?
334
00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:54,280
Bruce. Where's our daughter?
335
00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:56,400
So, you spin the bottle and whoever...
336
00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:57,840
Whomever.
337
00:13:57,840 --> 00:14:01,360
Whoever it lands on, you go in the cupboard with for seven minutes.
338
00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:03,800
If it lands on someone of the same sex, you spin again.
339
00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:04,960
That's homophobic.
340
00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:16,720
And then, I scratched a massive dick into his dad's Bentley.
341
00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:17,800
That never happened.
342
00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:19,840
No, I swear to Satan, it happened.
343
00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:21,800
Why do you think Alfie hates me so much?
344
00:14:21,800 --> 00:14:22,960
Because he's a cock.
345
00:14:24,680 --> 00:14:26,640
I'm not supposed to badmouth my students.
346
00:14:26,640 --> 00:14:29,040
- You can just blame it on the whisky.
- Yeah.
347
00:14:38,760 --> 00:14:40,960
I remember that was the day that
348
00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:45,080
I first saw Shelley again, since school.
349
00:14:45,080 --> 00:14:47,680
I saw her today. She's pregnant.
350
00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:49,040
You don't sound too thrilled.
351
00:14:49,920 --> 00:14:53,800
I'm never anyone's happy ending. You know, I'm a bit like jazz.
352
00:14:53,800 --> 00:14:56,520
You think it's a good idea at the time and then, in the end,
353
00:14:56,520 --> 00:14:58,600
it's just disappointing and messy.
354
00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:02,720
Yeah, you dodged a bullet with me.
355
00:15:02,720 --> 00:15:04,760
Dodged a bullet?
356
00:15:04,760 --> 00:15:06,080
Well, you know, cos...
357
00:15:08,680 --> 00:15:11,280
..it doesn't matter.
358
00:15:11,280 --> 00:15:13,680
But you've met your Prince Charming, haven't you?
359
00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:16,920
Yeah. Ryan's amazing.
360
00:15:16,920 --> 00:15:20,280
He's like a greatest hits album, isn't he?
361
00:15:20,280 --> 00:15:22,360
I'm sure you'll be very happy together.
362
00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:24,280
Why does that feel like an insult?
363
00:15:28,480 --> 00:15:29,640
You know it's...
364
00:15:29,640 --> 00:15:32,280
It's not like Ryan and I are...
365
00:15:32,280 --> 00:15:33,560
Married or anything.
366
00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:42,600
Now, that is the whisky talking.
367
00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:44,880
I might be a bad person
368
00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:48,480
but that doesn't mean I have to make bad decisions, so...
369
00:15:56,400 --> 00:15:57,720
It's your turn, Rubes.
370
00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:05,440
SHOCKED GASPS
371
00:16:05,440 --> 00:16:07,520
It's between two people. Do over.
372
00:16:20,720 --> 00:16:22,800
# Seven minutes in heaven
373
00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:27,160
# Or a lifetime in hell
374
00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:33,600
# Seven minutes in heaven, darling
375
00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:37,440
# It's too early to tell
376
00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:42,000
# One, two, three, four, five, six, seven
377
00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:44,520
# Got seven whole minutes just to take you to heaven
378
00:16:44,520 --> 00:16:47,280
# Was there something between us, if there was, what was it?
379
00:16:47,280 --> 00:16:49,800
# Trapped in a cupboard but I'm not in a closet
380
00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:52,080
# Breathing so hard, going faster and faster
381
00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:54,720
# But it might be the dust, it's affecting my asthma
382
00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:56,920
# Time's running out at a rate that's alarming
383
00:16:56,920 --> 00:16:59,720
# You're my fairytale princess, I'm your Prince Fucking Charming
384
00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:02,320
# Round, round, round, goes the spin of the bottle
385
00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:04,520
# Better slow down, don't give it full throttle
386
00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:06,960
# I like, like you so hard, I like, like you to bits
387
00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:09,520
# You look like an angel, an angel with tits
388
00:17:09,520 --> 00:17:11,800
# I've helped you with homework for terms and terms
389
00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:14,200
# I wanted to kiss you, to hell with the germs
390
00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:16,520
# Want to take you heaven till you're begging for more
391
00:17:16,520 --> 00:17:18,840
# I got seven whole minutes but I'll only need four
392
00:17:20,160 --> 00:17:24,720
# I don't know why you wouldn't want this to be
393
00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:27,440
# Anything that it could be
394
00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:35,000
# I don't know why you would want this to end
395
00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:37,000
# Seven minutes in heaven
396
00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:38,560
# Oh, oh, yeah
397
00:17:39,840 --> 00:17:42,040
# Seven minutes in heaven
398
00:17:42,040 --> 00:17:43,560
# Oh, oh, yeah
399
00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:47,000
# Seven minutes in heaven
400
00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:48,320
# Oh, oh, yeah
401
00:17:49,840 --> 00:17:51,920
# Seven minutes in heaven.
402
00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:53,400
# Oh, oh, yeah. #
403
00:18:01,920 --> 00:18:04,000
- Spin again.
- No!
404
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:06,480
You made the rules, Alfie.
405
00:18:06,480 --> 00:18:07,520
Come on, Errol.
406
00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:14,600
Melodie?
407
00:18:14,600 --> 00:18:15,640
Tiff?
408
00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:19,400
So, er, how long have you been with Errol's mum?
409
00:18:19,400 --> 00:18:21,840
Wow, wow, who says I'm with Errol's mum?
410
00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:24,400
Come on, it doesn't take a rocket scientist.
411
00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:27,160
Plus, I saw you guys coming out of the broom cupboard together.
412
00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:28,240
Please don't tell my ex.
413
00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:29,960
Relax, it's none of my business.
414
00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:32,680
Out of curiosity though, as a formerly married man,
415
00:18:32,680 --> 00:18:35,880
how did you, um, propose?
416
00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:37,520
Claire proposed to me, actually.
417
00:18:37,520 --> 00:18:39,560
Half-time at the Fulham-Stoke match.
418
00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:42,280
Projected on the big screen in front of 20,000 fans.
419
00:18:42,280 --> 00:18:43,600
It must've been a great day.
420
00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:45,160
Yeah, it was. We won 2-0.
421
00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:48,000
Tiff?!
422
00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:49,400
Love a good closet.
423
00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:50,560
It's like being in a lift
424
00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:53,320
but without all of the hydraulic risk factors.
425
00:18:53,320 --> 00:18:54,520
I can't kiss you, Errol.
426
00:18:54,520 --> 00:18:56,920
No, definitely, no. I'd, er, recommend against.
427
00:18:56,920 --> 00:18:59,000
Just to be clear though, why aren't we kissing?
428
00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:00,520
I just want to be on the same page.
429
00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:02,080
Is there another boy you fancy?
430
00:19:02,080 --> 00:19:03,760
No. It's Tiffany.
431
00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:05,560
You fancy Tiffany?
432
00:19:05,560 --> 00:19:08,360
Wow, OK. I didn't see that coming.
433
00:19:08,360 --> 00:19:11,680
Now I see how the One Direction thing was just an overcompensation.
434
00:19:11,680 --> 00:19:15,080
No, Tiffany fancies you and I'm afraid she'll beat me up.
435
00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:16,240
No, that's crazy.
436
00:19:16,240 --> 00:19:19,400
Rubes? Is Air-hole's breath knocking you out already?
437
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:21,320
Go away, Alfie!
438
00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:23,800
Look, if Tiffany didn't have a crush on you, why does
439
00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:26,120
- she follow you everywhere?
- She's my bodyguard.
440
00:19:26,120 --> 00:19:28,280
I've seen the way she looks at you in class.
441
00:19:28,280 --> 00:19:30,680
She's just keeping an eye out for snipers.
442
00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:33,600
Look, if we kiss, we don't have to tell anyone.
443
00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:36,000
Are you angry with me?
444
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:38,080
No.
445
00:19:38,080 --> 00:19:39,480
Yes.
446
00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:43,320
People look at me and all they see some innocent little...
447
00:19:43,320 --> 00:19:44,600
Pollyanna.
448
00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:46,040
Well, the costume's not helping.
449
00:19:46,040 --> 00:19:48,240
I know you think you're this tortured artist, Andy,
450
00:19:48,240 --> 00:19:50,120
but I'm no angel.
451
00:19:50,120 --> 00:19:52,120
I've slept with a married man.
452
00:19:52,120 --> 00:19:54,320
I've slept with a married woman.
453
00:19:54,320 --> 00:19:55,640
Now you're just turning me on.
454
00:19:55,640 --> 00:19:58,240
- I was sectioned once.
- OK, that's less sexy. Go on.
455
00:19:58,240 --> 00:20:00,720
I had food issues... Have, I have food issues.
456
00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:04,440
Couldn't keep a meal down for five years.
457
00:20:04,440 --> 00:20:06,560
I ate 30 Crunchie bars in an hour, once,
458
00:20:06,560 --> 00:20:09,720
and I still can't see one without breaking a sweat.
459
00:20:09,720 --> 00:20:12,760
Bulimia with self-harm was the official diagnosis.
460
00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:16,840
Does Ryan know all this?
461
00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:19,520
I don't want to pull him down into the darkness.
462
00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:23,840
But you and me, we already live there, Andy.
463
00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:27,760
So you're not protecting me from the big bad wolf.
464
00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:32,480
I was ruining my own life long before I met you.
465
00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:37,760
Were they fun size Crunchies or the regular ones?
466
00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:43,040
Tiff?!
467
00:20:43,040 --> 00:20:44,560
Roly?!
468
00:20:44,560 --> 00:20:46,640
Sam, can I ask you something?
469
00:20:46,640 --> 00:20:49,360
Is it the lines on my forehead? Yeah, I know I should get Botox.
470
00:20:49,360 --> 00:20:53,200
But I'm just, I hate needles. That's why I never mainlined heroin.
471
00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:56,240
It's not the lines but I can get you a good price on those.
472
00:20:56,240 --> 00:20:59,840
As a therapist, anything I say is confidential, right?
473
00:20:59,840 --> 00:21:02,320
Yeah, yeah. Absolutely, yeah.
474
00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:04,880
Do you think I'm scary?
475
00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:06,680
You?
476
00:21:06,680 --> 00:21:08,160
No.
477
00:21:08,160 --> 00:21:11,920
No? It's just that sometimes I think things ended with me and Bruce
478
00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:13,240
because I was overpowering.
479
00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:15,320
I thought they ended because you cheated on him?
480
00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:17,440
We could be all night figuring out who's to blame,
481
00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:19,800
it's just that there's something different about him.
482
00:21:19,800 --> 00:21:22,760
A glow. If I didn't know any better...
483
00:21:22,760 --> 00:21:25,360
- Claire, I just want to say...
- I think he wants me back.
484
00:21:25,360 --> 00:21:27,120
- Pardon?
- It's obvious.
485
00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:30,120
And I know Tiff hates living between two houses.
486
00:21:30,120 --> 00:21:33,960
I mean, look how it's damaged your boy. What do you think?
487
00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:36,520
Should we give it another go?
488
00:21:36,520 --> 00:21:38,160
- Erm...
- There you two are!
489
00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:40,560
I think I know where the children might be.
490
00:21:41,680 --> 00:21:43,000
You've got a minute left.
491
00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:44,800
Maybe we should just come out early.
492
00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:46,640
There's valour in defeat.
493
00:21:46,640 --> 00:21:48,800
- Wait.
- 'That's it. I'm coming in.'
494
00:21:48,800 --> 00:21:50,000
Leave them alone, Alfie.
495
00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:52,160
Don't you mind your boyfriend's in there with the
496
00:21:52,160 --> 00:21:53,320
prettiest girl in school?
497
00:21:53,320 --> 00:21:55,760
- Shut up, you're just jealous.
- Get off me, Tuf-fanny!
498
00:21:58,760 --> 00:22:00,280
What's that...
499
00:22:00,280 --> 00:22:01,680
..wet feeling?
500
00:22:01,680 --> 00:22:02,960
It's not me, I swear!
501
00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:04,520
Oh, no.
502
00:22:04,520 --> 00:22:06,320
I think I just got my first...
503
00:22:06,320 --> 00:22:07,640
..Pharaoh's curse.
504
00:22:07,640 --> 00:22:10,920
Wait, your first? You mean you've... You've never...
505
00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:15,760
So you've, er, had your first period.
506
00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:17,040
Erm, congratulations.
507
00:22:17,040 --> 00:22:18,480
You're a woman. Don't freak out.
508
00:22:18,480 --> 00:22:20,280
It, er, happens late for some girls.
509
00:22:20,280 --> 00:22:22,000
We can still kiss, though, can't we?
510
00:22:22,000 --> 00:22:24,120
I have to go!
511
00:22:24,120 --> 00:22:25,600
- Argh!
- Ruby, wait!
512
00:22:28,320 --> 00:22:30,200
What's going on? Is this an orgy?!
513
00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:31,240
Get out!
514
00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:34,760
Roly, what is going on here?
515
00:22:34,760 --> 00:22:37,280
What do you care? You're too busy with Bruce to understand!
516
00:22:37,280 --> 00:22:39,840
Bruce? What's he talking about?
517
00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:42,200
Sam and Bruce are shagging.
518
00:22:42,200 --> 00:22:43,560
Kids' imaginations!
519
00:22:43,560 --> 00:22:46,080
Listen, Claire, I can explain everything. The thing is...
520
00:22:46,080 --> 00:22:47,960
that I'm going to run.
521
00:22:49,320 --> 00:22:50,480
HE SIGHS
522
00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:54,200
Ryan's going to propose.
523
00:22:54,200 --> 00:22:56,320
- How do you know?
- I can just feel it.
524
00:22:56,320 --> 00:22:58,080
Like when you eat 12 packets of Maltesers
525
00:22:58,080 --> 00:22:59,640
and you know you're going to be sick.
526
00:22:59,640 --> 00:23:02,720
- You've eaten 12 packets of Maltesers?
- 18's my record.
527
00:23:02,720 --> 00:23:06,080
That's what I get for watching the Buffy box set.
528
00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:08,120
You could do a lot worse than Ryan.
529
00:23:08,120 --> 00:23:10,440
Yeah, I know.
530
00:23:10,440 --> 00:23:13,600
Ryan's nice and...
531
00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:16,840
Good, fun...
532
00:23:16,840 --> 00:23:18,760
Safe.
533
00:23:18,760 --> 00:23:19,800
Safe is good.
534
00:23:24,000 --> 00:23:26,120
But I don't want to be safe.
535
00:23:26,120 --> 00:23:28,640
I want to be...
536
00:23:28,640 --> 00:23:29,760
thrilled.
537
00:23:32,040 --> 00:23:33,200
Just once more...
538
00:23:34,800 --> 00:23:36,440
..before I'm locked away for good.
539
00:23:46,840 --> 00:23:48,760
There.
540
00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:49,800
See?
541
00:23:51,360 --> 00:23:52,680
Nothing ruined.
542
00:24:09,360 --> 00:24:10,640
Melodie?
543
00:24:15,400 --> 00:24:16,840
Ryan...
544
00:24:21,840 --> 00:24:23,520
Got it! Reservoir Dogs!
545
00:24:25,160 --> 00:24:26,920
Ryan, it's not what it looks like!
546
00:24:26,920 --> 00:24:30,000
Oh, really? Cos it looked a lot like you two were sucking face.
547
00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:31,080
We weren't kissing,
548
00:24:31,080 --> 00:24:32,680
Alfie locked us in the storeroom
549
00:24:32,680 --> 00:24:35,480
and then I got a Skittle stuck down my throat.
550
00:24:35,480 --> 00:24:37,560
Was it an orange one? God, I hate those guys.
551
00:24:37,560 --> 00:24:39,080
You must think I'm stupid, Andy?
552
00:24:39,080 --> 00:24:41,920
It's not like I didn't know there was a spark between you two
553
00:24:41,920 --> 00:24:45,040
but I thought you were cooler than that. How could you, man?
554
00:24:45,040 --> 00:24:47,680
And dressed as a character from my all-time favourite film.
555
00:24:47,680 --> 00:24:50,840
- You know, I'm never going to be able to watch Blues Brothers again.
- Yes!
556
00:24:50,840 --> 00:24:52,760
Finally, somebody gets... It...
557
00:24:57,240 --> 00:24:59,600
Bruce, are you slamming this bony bitch?
558
00:24:59,600 --> 00:25:01,160
Hey! Aww, do you think I'm bony?
559
00:25:01,160 --> 00:25:03,280
I was joking. They're not really together.
560
00:25:03,280 --> 00:25:04,960
- Yes, they are.
- Who the fuck are you?
561
00:25:04,960 --> 00:25:06,280
Claire. Who the fuck are you?
562
00:25:06,280 --> 00:25:07,640
I'm Sam's brother.
563
00:25:07,640 --> 00:25:09,880
Hang on, you're Bruce's ex, Claire?
564
00:25:09,880 --> 00:25:12,080
And you think them two are together?
565
00:25:12,080 --> 00:25:15,720
I think I would know if my sister was shacking up with Bruce.
566
00:25:17,960 --> 00:25:19,960
It's true.
567
00:25:19,960 --> 00:25:21,960
Sorry I didn't tell you sooner, Claire.
568
00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:24,800
But now that everything's out in the open,
569
00:25:24,800 --> 00:25:27,280
hopefully we can handle this like adults.
570
00:25:27,280 --> 00:25:29,240
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
571
00:25:30,320 --> 00:25:31,440
Truce?
572
00:25:32,560 --> 00:25:33,600
Ow!
573
00:25:35,160 --> 00:25:36,200
Yeah, yeah?
574
00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:40,320
Don't! You wouldn't dare. I've just had my roots done!
575
00:25:40,320 --> 00:25:42,360
What on earth is going here?!
576
00:25:42,360 --> 00:25:43,440
CROWD GASPS
577
00:25:57,280 --> 00:25:58,840
Hi, Tiff.
578
00:25:58,840 --> 00:26:00,680
Hey.
579
00:26:00,680 --> 00:26:03,640
I appreciate you sticking up for me before.
580
00:26:03,640 --> 00:26:05,280
Especially considering...
581
00:26:06,640 --> 00:26:07,880
What?
582
00:26:07,880 --> 00:26:09,240
I just wanted to say thanks.
583
00:26:09,240 --> 00:26:10,680
You're welcome.
584
00:26:10,680 --> 00:26:12,320
Haven't said thank you yet.
585
00:26:22,480 --> 00:26:24,520
No matter how hard I try doing things right,
586
00:26:24,520 --> 00:26:26,680
I always end up with egg on my face.
587
00:26:26,680 --> 00:26:29,240
Or cupcake in your hair.
588
00:26:31,240 --> 00:26:32,680
It's my fault.
589
00:26:32,680 --> 00:26:35,280
I should have been honest with Claire.
590
00:26:35,280 --> 00:26:37,040
I guess I'm just a malfunctioning robot.
591
00:26:37,040 --> 00:26:39,280
Somebody should probably give you a service then.
592
00:26:39,280 --> 00:26:43,560
You're right, otherwise we might have a CAT-atsrophe on our hands.
593
00:26:43,560 --> 00:26:45,440
- Ow!
- Yeah?!
594
00:26:48,800 --> 00:26:51,040
Bruce, can you give us a minute?
595
00:26:53,800 --> 00:26:56,640
Look, Claire. I just want to say, for my part,
596
00:26:56,640 --> 00:26:59,640
I didn't handle the situation well and I'm really sorry.
597
00:26:59,640 --> 00:27:01,560
Yeah. I really need to step back
598
00:27:01,560 --> 00:27:04,840
and take a good long look at myself after this too.
599
00:27:04,840 --> 00:27:05,880
Really?
600
00:27:05,880 --> 00:27:07,480
No.
601
00:27:07,480 --> 00:27:09,400
Watch your back, bitch.
602
00:27:16,080 --> 00:27:18,280
So, if you knew about your mum and Bruce...
603
00:27:19,720 --> 00:27:21,840
..why didn't you tell me?
604
00:27:21,840 --> 00:27:24,520
I figured you'd have a meltdown about it being weird
605
00:27:24,520 --> 00:27:27,200
between you and Bruce, and make it all about yourself.
606
00:27:28,840 --> 00:27:30,440
Did you have your first kiss?
607
00:27:30,440 --> 00:27:32,360
A gentleman never tells.
608
00:27:32,360 --> 00:27:35,800
Yeah, but Blues Brothers don't keep secrets, do they?
609
00:27:35,800 --> 00:27:37,280
All right, then.
610
00:27:37,280 --> 00:27:38,440
Do you love Melodie?
611
00:27:43,680 --> 00:27:44,720
You know...
612
00:27:48,160 --> 00:27:50,440
..next year, we should come as Ghostbusters.
613
00:27:50,440 --> 00:27:53,040
Great. Another film I haven't heard of.
614
00:27:53,040 --> 00:27:55,320
Are the costumes for that wedgie-inducing as well?
615
00:27:55,320 --> 00:27:57,280
Nah. Super baggy and comfortable.
616
00:27:57,280 --> 00:27:59,160
Naturally, I'll be Bill Murray.
617
00:27:59,160 --> 00:28:01,880
You'll be Harold Ramis, obviously.
618
00:28:01,880 --> 00:28:05,080
And Bruce is going to have to be Ernie Hudson.
619
00:28:05,080 --> 00:28:08,680
And Tiff is just going to have to live with being Aykroyd.
46348
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