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Ave Maria by Franz Schubert
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This is nice.
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You're telling me.
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I don't think I've been this relaxed since the womb.
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But then, that might have been foetal alcohol syndrome.
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SHE LAUGHS
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You're very cute.
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As in manly cute? Yeah? As in Chuck Norris cute?
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The best thing about you is that you know how to keep things casual.
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It's so refreshing to find a guy
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who knows he's not built for relationships.
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MOBILE PHONE RINGS
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Hello?
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What?!
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DOOR OPENS
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Well? What have you got to say for yourself?
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- Sorry?
- Yeah, you should be. I mean, cheating in a test is one thing,
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but getting caught, that is just embarrassing.
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Well, I didn't actually cheat. I was pretending.
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Pathetically intriguing - I'll bite.
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I figured if I got caught cheating, people might think I'm cool.
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- People?
- Well, a person. Willow.
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- She's in a dance crew!
- Not a chance, mate. You're too uptight.
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Uptight? I've opened a chess match using the King's gambit.
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Touch the floor.
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Full palm.
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Now, touch your face.
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See. It's no problem. I have to go.
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Melodie?
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- I thought I heard music.
- Andy, hi. How've you been?
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Been good, yeah. I've been on the, er...5:2 diet.
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I'm surprised you recognised me. You should try it.
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Not that you need to... You, you look fine.
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- How've you been?
- Yeah, I'm good. Fat, but good.
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Yeah. You know about the last time...
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Oh, God, no! Forget about it. It's all in the past.
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I'm sorry I blew my rape whistle at you.
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It was so stupid. I don't have it any more so...
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- Oh, really?
- Yeah, now I just carry a rape knife.
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So...friends?
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Yeah... No, I, I don't know. I mean, how many female friends
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do you actually have, Andy?
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Um... DOOR OPENS
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- There you are!
- Oh, Ryan!
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This is Andy. Andy, this is Ryan, my...colleague.
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- Andy is Errol's uncle.
- Errol's a great kid. Like a little Stephen Hawking.
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It is his voice.
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- I like your T-shirt. I'm a massive Costello fan.
- Favourite album?
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- This Year's Model.
- Favourite collaboration?
- Painted From Memory with...
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..Burt Bacharach in '98.
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- Maybe I should leave you two alone together?
- DOOR OPENS
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Oh, hey, Errol. What's up, dude?
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Oh, hello Mr Sardson. Just washed my hands.
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Brilliant. Um, well, it was great meeting you, Andy.
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So how long has Ms Thomas been dating that Ryan clown?
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A while. He and Ms Thomas seem good together.
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What's that supposed to mean?
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Mr Sardson's a good guy. He's a great history teacher.
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He just seems like good boyfriend material.
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- I'm good boyfriend material.
- You think 'To Let' signs are hilarious
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because they almost spell 'Toilet'.
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- Well, they do, don't they!
- What's the longest relationship you've ever had?
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More of a quality-over-quantity kind of guy.
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What quality is that then? Commitment-a-phobia?
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OK, so coolness is all about the three S's.
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Sight, sound and you've got swagger, right? Let's start with sight.
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You need to have a cool face.
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Like you're sucking on a lemon but you find it slightly amusing.
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I mean, you look like you're having a stroke.
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Fine, we'll move on to sound.
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A cool voice can pretty much make anything sound amazing. Observe.
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I've just had my boiler fixed.
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- Did you see that episode of Countdown last night?
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OK, last up is swagger.
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Got to walk like you've got a tiny little limp from an old
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shrapnel injury but you don't care.
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Go on.
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I said shrapnel, not cannon ball.
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All right, fine if you can't master the three S's,
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- you've got one more option.
- Buy my way to the top?
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Be dangerous.
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- Stick those in your pocket.
- You want me to steal?
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No. Stealing is wrong. I want you to shoplift. Shoplifting is badass.
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Put them in your pocket.
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Hello? Are you going to pay for that?
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LEG IT!
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Em... Keep the change.
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What do you think's cooler? @FeralErrol or @HolyRoly?
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How about @Errol69?
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I wasn't born in 1969.
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Why do you suddenly care about social networking?
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Cos then Willow might notice me.
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I mean, at the moment she only talks to me when I do her homework.
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Whoa. Whoa. Back up. Cool people don't do other people's homework.
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- Yeah, but she pays me. And I'm saving up for a microscope.
- You know what you need?
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- An account that gets the whole school talking. People love controversy.
- You mean like who's been putting
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- recyclable bottles in the ordinary rubbish bin? I think it's Spencer Bennett.
- No. I mean
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who's dating who. Student fights, faculty romances. The juice.
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You mean gossip? I can't do that. I'll get in trouble.
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That's why you're going to have a pseudonym.
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Welcome to...
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..TripleTrouble69.
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How's being anonymous going to prove to Willow that I'm cool?
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Cos you can't have the big reveal until you have the superhero identity.
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Nobody gave a toss about Peter Parker before he was Spider-Man.
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I can't do it. It's too risky.
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DOOR SLAMS FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
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- Hi, Mum.
- Don't you "Hi, Mum" me.
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What were you thinking - cheating on a test?!
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- That is so unlike you.
- You don't know me. Maybe I'm dangerous.
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Maybe I'm Spider-Man.
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Spider-Man doesn't throw bread out two days before the best by date.
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Mould is nothing to be trifled with.
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But how would other parents handle this situation?
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- Send me to my room?
- Go to your room now! And no TV!
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But what about University Challenge?! It's the semifinals.
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Fine, University Challenge. But that is it!
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Do you think I've got commitment-a- phobia?
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- No. You're just shit at relationships.
- I'm the only one here that's in a relationship.
- What?
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With the cougar? I thought it was a fling. Has she held your hand in public yet?
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- What's that got to do with it?
- I give it a week. Now, listen to this.
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Ben wants me to meet his girlfriend, Veronica, to "open the channels of communication for Roly's sake."
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Why do I need to communicate with a complete stranger about my son?
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She didn't squeeze him out of her vagina? She didn't breast feed him for three years.
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What would you say to a client?
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I would say, "Go into the situation with an open mind
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"and leave your baggage with Ben at the door."
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Sounds good.
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Fuck that. I'm going to sit there quietly and judge the bitch.
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Hang on, Errol was breast-fed till he was three?
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You better finish that - you're going to need your strength.
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What if we don't tonight? You know, we could just talk.
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Seriously, eat it up. I need you out the house by 10.30. I have an early start.
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Don't you get lonely, in that big house all by yourself?
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I have plenty of friends to keep me company - in the short term.
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Just curious, what qualities are you looking for in the long term?
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Well, a good listener. Funny without trying too hard.
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Great taste in music, but not afraid of the cheesy stuff.
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Like, he could listen to Wet Wet Wet without being cynical.
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He's loyal, caring, well-read - and a good role model for kids.
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And independently wealthy.
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SHE CHUCKLES
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- What are you doing?
- Paying?
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Don't be silly. It's not like this was a date.
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Tiffany, do you think I'm cool?
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Yes.
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- Really?
- No.
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- Er... Hi, Willow.
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What's up with your voice?
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It's just a cold. How's it hanging?
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All good, little man. Have you got the homework?
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Sure do, yeah, er...a big man.
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I added a few extra misspellings to account for your dyslexia.
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- How do you know I'm dyslexic?
- Your tweets.
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Oh, you'll like this joke.
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- What do dyslexic zombies eat?
- What?
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Brians!
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Um... Yeah, anyway, um...
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I just came to say that my homework services will be coming to an end,
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unfortunately, but um...we can still hang on Twitter.
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My handle's @TheFeralErrol.
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Don't worry, I won't bite.
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Tammy just tweeted that Mr Isles is so old he shits fossils!
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Tammy is jokes!
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Yeah, he's so old that his farts are made of background radiation.
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So when he makes a big bang, it's actually from the Big Bang.
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HE GIGGLES
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Samantha?
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Hi, I'm Veronica. It's so good to meet you.
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Please, sit down.
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Do you prefer if I call you Sam or Samantha?
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Samantha's good.
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I love your top.
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Oh, thanks. Primarni sale.
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I love them! They're SO cheap.
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VERONICA CHUCKLES
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Oh, God - I don't mean that YOU'RE cheap.
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I mean, I get all my socks from the Pound Store
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so I'm in no position to judge.
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It's fine. I like my clothes like I like my men slightly damaged.
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Ben said you were funny. And you're a therapist, right?
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That must be so interesting.
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Yeah, I love crazy people. That's why I married Ben!
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Look, if my ex asked me to meet his girlfriend,
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I don't think I'd be cool with it.
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But I just wanted to tell you that I'm not here to
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step on your authority or try and get Roly to call me Mum.
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I mean, you've done such a great job with him, you don't need my help.
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And we don't even have to be friends, if you don't want.
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Also if you do, that's fine too.
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But I just...
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just wanted to say hi, really. So - hi.
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How was that? I think I did better in the mirror.
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Oh, thank God, you're normal.
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Are you ladies ready to order?
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What would you like, Samantha? It's on me.
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Oh, please, call me Sam.
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MOBILE PHONE RINGS
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- Whatever it is, the answer's no.
- 'What?'
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- You're my baby brother, can't I call you for a casual chat?
- 'Fine.'
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- How did your coffee go with Ben's future ex?
- 'Great.'
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- I've invited them both to a party at mine tomorrow.
- Why would you do that?
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Because Ben asked me to meet her so I would fail.
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But now, I'll be his worst
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'nightmare. I am going to become Veronica's'
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best friend. I win. So you'll be coming to my party tomorrow?
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- I knew it! No way.
- 'Oh, come on!'
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I need as many people as possible or I won't look cool.
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- 'You can bring your cougar...'
- LINE BEEPS
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Other call. I've got to go.
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Hey, sexy.
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Er... Uncle Andy?
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Oh, God, hello.
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'What do you want?'
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I just tweeted, "Why are the cubes in men's urinals always blue?
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"Hashtag sexist?"
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'And that is funny. Not to mention'
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a biting social commentary. But it got zero retweets!
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'Even Murray Thomas gets'
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a couple of favourites when he posts clips of his blind cat farting.
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- Nobody likes you. What's your point?
- I'm ready to be Spider-Man.
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Do you think it's true? About Mr Sardson cheating on Ms Thomas?
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Don't know. Who cares?
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Everyone's talking about it. Who do you think TripleTrouble69 is?
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I think it's Spencer Bennett.
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Well, I don't know. I think maybe this chap might be even cooler than Spencer.
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Or dumber.
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Look, excuse me.
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Hi, Willow. What do you think of that um...TripleTrouble guy?
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Crazy stuff, right?
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Yeah. Whoever wrote all that shiz is a ledge.
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Yes, he's definitely a 'ledge'...
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Hey, why do you sit with that Tiffany girl?
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Ain't she a bit...weird?
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Oh, here we go.
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THEY CHANT
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I could have waited in the car if you're just coming up for a book.
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Is this a party?
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Oh, yeah. I guess it is.
240
00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:17,680
This'll only take a sec.
241
00:12:17,680 --> 00:12:20,200
Ah, I miss living here.
242
00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:23,920
- You lived here?
- Just loaning it to my sister and her kid until they get back on their feet.
243
00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:25,920
If I'm honest, it was more space than I needed.
244
00:12:25,920 --> 00:12:29,120
And how exactly does an ex-Carpet Brothers employee afford two flats?
245
00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:31,360
Well, I found a toe in a kebab I had a couple of years ago
246
00:12:31,360 --> 00:12:34,800
and I poured all the settlement money into property. And as for Carpet Brothers,
247
00:12:34,800 --> 00:12:38,320
- I was only working that day cos I was helping out a mate.
- How didn't I know any of this?
248
00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:40,240
- You never asked.
- There you are!
249
00:12:40,240 --> 00:12:42,440
Hi, Sam. Teresa, this is Sam, my sister.
250
00:12:42,440 --> 00:12:44,840
- It's a pleasure to meet you.
- This place is great.
251
00:12:44,840 --> 00:12:46,960
I'm sure that's not how Andy left it.
252
00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:48,760
Er... Yeah, no, no.
253
00:12:48,760 --> 00:12:50,680
We had to get the old makeover police in.
254
00:12:50,680 --> 00:12:52,120
Do you mind if I use your loo?
255
00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:55,200
- Yeah, sure, it's just there.
- Thank you.
256
00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:57,960
Phwoar. Fuck me. She's classy. Good luck keeping that one.
257
00:12:57,960 --> 00:13:00,560
Yeah, just make me look like boyfriend material for tonight.
258
00:13:00,560 --> 00:13:02,640
- Who are these jokers?
- I went through my Facebook
259
00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:05,360
and I invited all the coolest people I know to impress Veronica.
260
00:13:05,360 --> 00:13:07,280
How did you make the cut? SHE GIGGLES
261
00:13:07,280 --> 00:13:08,440
Ow!
262
00:13:08,440 --> 00:13:12,360
KNOCKING ON DOOR Hey, Rolio Iglesias.
263
00:13:12,360 --> 00:13:17,080
It worked! TripleTrouble69 has 500 followers. And Willow's eating out of the palm of my hand.
264
00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:20,240
I think I might have caused a fight between Mr Sardson and Ms Thomas though.
265
00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:22,200
Should I feel bad about making up fake gossip?
266
00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:25,120
- Nah.
- Good! Because I'm about to tweet that Mr Hamish, my gym teacher,
267
00:13:25,120 --> 00:13:29,120
has been stealing Tampax from the girls loo. That should teach him for calling me wheezy.
268
00:13:29,120 --> 00:13:33,080
Nice work. Listen, I've got my girlfriend here and I need you to tell her what a great uncle I am.
269
00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:34,960
- Sure. I can lie.
- There you are.
270
00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:38,480
Hey, Teresa! This is my nephew, Errol.
271
00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:41,240
Hello, nephew Errol. How come you're not out enjoying the party?
272
00:13:41,240 --> 00:13:43,880
I don't like parties. Tell me, do you play the lottery, Teresa?
273
00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:46,800
- Sometimes, when there's a rollover.
- Hmm. Then you'll know the odds
274
00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:48,520
of winning are about one in 14 million.
275
00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:52,120
The world population is over seven billion. And Uncle Andy is one in seven billion.
276
00:13:52,120 --> 00:13:54,280
So that's like winning the lottery 500 times.
277
00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:56,640
"It could be you."
278
00:13:56,640 --> 00:13:58,640
Thanks for that, Rain Man.
279
00:13:58,640 --> 00:14:01,040
- When I grow up, I want to be just like Uncle Andy.
- Whoa.
280
00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:02,320
Let's have a listen to this.
281
00:14:02,320 --> 00:14:04,840
I mean, he's loyal, dependable, great with strangers...
282
00:14:04,840 --> 00:14:07,080
Well, sounds like he'd make an excellent Labrador.
283
00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:11,200
Well, not to mention funny and musically talented and free of any communicable diseases.
284
00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:13,240
ANDY GIGGLES I can't believe it either.
285
00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:15,560
I wouldn't be alive today if it weren't for Uncle Andy.
286
00:14:15,560 --> 00:14:18,400
- When I took that drugs overdose...
- Hey, let's get to the party!
287
00:14:20,480 --> 00:14:21,840
Oh, hi, guys!
288
00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:24,680
Ben, Veronica, this my brother Andy's new friend, Teresa.
289
00:14:24,680 --> 00:14:27,600
Don't worry, we won't hold it against you. Nice shirt, Andy.
290
00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:29,400
Does it come with a seizure warning?
291
00:14:29,400 --> 00:14:30,760
THEY LAUGH
292
00:14:30,760 --> 00:14:33,280
What a joker. Come here for a hug, big guy.
293
00:14:34,760 --> 00:14:38,320
So are you still on for that round of golf that you promised me?
294
00:14:38,320 --> 00:14:40,880
- What?
- Since when did you like gol...?
295
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:43,760
- Andy's like Tiger Woods.
- What, you mean like he's a sex addict?
296
00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:45,400
THEY LAUGH
297
00:14:45,400 --> 00:14:47,400
- I love your dress.
- Oh, thank you.
298
00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:49,840
It's the only thing from my first marriage worth keeping.
299
00:14:49,840 --> 00:14:51,240
I didn't know you were divorced?
300
00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:53,720
- You never asked.
- Well, at least your ex bought you a dress.
301
00:14:53,720 --> 00:14:56,800
For Christmas once, Ben bought me a screwdriver set.
302
00:14:56,800 --> 00:14:58,440
That was to build Roly's cot with.
303
00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:02,000
Shame on you, Ben. Making a pregnant woman build a cot.
304
00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:05,600
Oh! I swear, if you don't put a ring on this one, I will.
305
00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:07,800
- Can I get that in writing?
306
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:13,720
Oh, thank you! It's so great to finally meet you, Andy.
307
00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:15,360
Ben has told me so many stories.
308
00:15:15,360 --> 00:15:18,440
My favourite is the one when you got arrested at his stag do
309
00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:21,400
in Barcelona dressed as a condom.
310
00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:22,840
I'm all about family planning.
311
00:15:22,840 --> 00:15:24,360
- So what do you do, Teresa?
312
00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:27,200
Oh, it's really quite boring. I'm a parliamentary lawyer.
313
00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:28,400
Oooh...
314
00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:29,880
So cool.
315
00:15:29,880 --> 00:15:31,760
Yeah. Um... I...
316
00:15:31,760 --> 00:15:33,760
I snogged Liam Gallagher once!
317
00:15:33,760 --> 00:15:38,280
Well, I, like, I think I'm 99.999% sure that it's...
318
00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:40,520
- Hey, Rolster.
- Hi, Roly.
319
00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:44,520
Um... Uncle Andy, I need your help with a music project.
320
00:15:44,520 --> 00:15:46,120
Life of a role model, eh?
321
00:15:46,120 --> 00:15:47,880
- We have a situation.
- You're telling me.
322
00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:51,320
Teresa's a divorced parliamentary lawyer! And I still have a He-Man duvet cover.
323
00:15:51,320 --> 00:15:55,280
- I can't handle this adult shit.
- You're having a low self-esteem attack. You're worth loving.
324
00:15:55,280 --> 00:15:59,240
- Just keep telling yourself that.
- OK - I'm worth loving, I'm...
- Not now! Willow's just PM'd me.
325
00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:02,840
She says, "You're proper jokes. Who are you? X." She put an X.
326
00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:05,480
I'm never going to wash my screen again. Do I tell her it's me?
327
00:16:05,480 --> 00:16:09,360
- No. Don't write anything. Just play it cool.
- How about, "Wouldn't you like to know, babes?"
328
00:16:09,360 --> 00:16:11,240
Or - "Babycakes?" That's a bit more urban.
329
00:16:11,240 --> 00:16:12,920
Babycakes isn't urban, it's weird.
330
00:16:12,920 --> 00:16:14,960
Now. What can I do to impress Teresa?
331
00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:17,800
Well, she's only heard how great you are from family.
332
00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:19,800
So it might mean more to hear it from a friend.
333
00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:22,600
What's up, guys? I thought I heard your voice, Andy.
334
00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:25,480
Is this is where the real party's at? Whoop! Whoop!
335
00:16:26,760 --> 00:16:29,320
Thanks for inviting us, by the way. It's very cool of you.
336
00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:31,880
I thought you would flip when I asked you to meet Veronica.
337
00:16:31,880 --> 00:16:34,480
Why would I flip? She's great. We're adults.
338
00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:36,160
I don't see why we can't all be friends.
339
00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:38,560
I'm so glad you said that. I really wanted your approval.
340
00:16:38,560 --> 00:16:41,320
Especially now we're moving in together.
341
00:16:41,320 --> 00:16:44,280
Oh, I love Twiglets. You remembered.
342
00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:48,440
We're going. I'm in heat and I can't take any more small talk.
343
00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:49,600
In a second.
344
00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:53,000
But first, I would like to introduce you to my old friend, Bruce.
345
00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:54,600
Well, not that old, really.
346
00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:56,880
Bruce is also divorced.
347
00:16:56,880 --> 00:16:58,640
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
348
00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:00,640
I'm just glad I could be there for him.
349
00:17:03,880 --> 00:17:07,680
Oh, yes, I don't know where I'd be without Andy.
350
00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:11,840
- He's my rock.
- What are friends for? Everybody needs a shoulder to cry on.
351
00:17:11,840 --> 00:17:13,880
Yeah, I'm not really much of a crier.
352
00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:16,320
No, well, he cries like an orphaned seal pup, so...
353
00:17:16,320 --> 00:17:18,720
Bruce! I'm so glad you could make it.
354
00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:21,600
There he is! Bruce. I've been missing you at kids' footy practice.
355
00:17:21,600 --> 00:17:23,840
This is Veronica, my significant other.
356
00:17:23,840 --> 00:17:26,320
Bruce's step-daughter goes to the same school as Roly.
357
00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:28,920
Well, ex step-daughter. Hang in there, mate.
358
00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:30,480
We're still in contact.
359
00:17:30,480 --> 00:17:32,360
Sam. These are for you.
360
00:17:32,360 --> 00:17:36,160
Oh, wow! Chocolate. My favourite.
361
00:17:36,160 --> 00:17:38,040
Well, you'd better share some of those.
362
00:17:38,040 --> 00:17:40,160
Oh, you'll have to mud wrestle me for them.
363
00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:42,280
Oh, thank you so much, Bruce, that's so sweet.
364
00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:45,440
Hello... Your stomach is rock hard.
365
00:17:45,440 --> 00:17:47,960
- Have you been working out?
- That's just from all the crying.
366
00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:50,160
I guess I naturally have trouble putting on weight.
367
00:17:50,160 --> 00:17:52,960
- Hey, listen, can I get you a drink?
- Do you have any cranberry juice?
368
00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:54,520
For you, I've got it all.
369
00:18:45,640 --> 00:18:49,280
And so, I gave them my shoes and I walked home.
370
00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:52,040
What's so funny about being mugged at gunpoint for your shoes?
371
00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:54,000
It is the way he told it, sweetie.
372
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:55,720
Actually, it was pretty funny.
373
00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:59,440
I guess getting divorced really puts perspective on things.
374
00:18:59,440 --> 00:19:01,400
- Bruce, how's your cranberry?
375
00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:04,680
- Er...delicious.
- Can I try some, do you mind?
376
00:19:04,680 --> 00:19:06,960
Mmmm... Mmm...
377
00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:09,360
SAM GIGGLES
378
00:19:13,040 --> 00:19:15,160
I'm going to get some more, wait there.
379
00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:16,600
I'll be right back.
380
00:19:17,640 --> 00:19:20,760
- What the fuck is going on with Bruce?
- Nothing. I'm just being friendly.
381
00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:24,080
- Even Stevie Wonder can see that you're cock teasing him.
- Fine. So what if I am?
382
00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:28,160
It's nice to get a bit of male attention. And um...Ben has asked Veronica to move in with him.
383
00:19:28,160 --> 00:19:31,120
- Why do you care? Ben's an arsehole.
- Yeah, but he was my arsehole first!
384
00:19:31,120 --> 00:19:33,840
Bruce is a mate. If you're not serious, don't mess with his head.
385
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:36,960
You're one to talk. You barely speak to him and you're making Teresa think
386
00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:40,720
- you stay up all night painting each other's toenails!
- We might do. You don't know.
- Ggrr!
387
00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:43,520
And despite all his suggested anti-prostitution bills,
388
00:19:43,520 --> 00:19:46,120
who do you think spends the most on out-of-town expenses?
389
00:19:46,120 --> 00:19:47,480
THEY CHUCKLE
390
00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:51,040
Well, we should get going before MI5 slap a gag order on me.
391
00:19:51,040 --> 00:19:54,080
- Oh, but you just got here.
- I know, but I want to get home before my son does.
392
00:19:54,080 --> 00:19:55,720
Oh, you have a son. How old?
393
00:19:55,720 --> 00:19:57,840
Not quite old enough to move out, unfortunately.
394
00:19:57,840 --> 00:20:00,760
Andy, will you get my coat? And don't forget your book.
395
00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:02,920
- What book?
- Is it a colouring book?
396
00:20:02,920 --> 00:20:04,280
HE LAUGHS
397
00:20:04,280 --> 00:20:08,440
No, er... Errol's returning my copy of War And Peace to me.
398
00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:09,840
I love Russian lit.
399
00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:11,760
Oh, yeah? Who wrote it?
400
00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:15,960
If you don't know that, Ben,
401
00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:17,400
I'm not going to tell you.
402
00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:20,200
She's got an old son.
403
00:20:20,200 --> 00:20:23,320
I can't be with someone that's got an old son.
404
00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:26,720
- Why are you dressed like a bell-end?
- I've been exchanging messages with Willow.
405
00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:29,680
I'll reveal my identity to her on Skype. I know you told me not to reply,
406
00:20:29,680 --> 00:20:31,920
but she was just so engaging. I couldn't help myself.
407
00:20:31,920 --> 00:20:34,080
And they say the brain is the greatest love organ.
408
00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:35,880
Well, I've never chaffed my brain.
409
00:20:35,880 --> 00:20:37,800
Listen, relationships are messy.
410
00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:40,520
You can't help who you end up with, whether it's a pint-sized
411
00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:42,960
urban street dancer or a parliamentary lawyer.
412
00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:46,080
It's all a beautiful mystery. Like prime numbers.
413
00:20:46,080 --> 00:20:48,640
Now, go out there and embrace the new you.
414
00:20:48,640 --> 00:20:51,960
The you that isn't afraid of life's responsibilities but tackles them
415
00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:54,720
head-on like a salmon swimming upstream for mating season.
416
00:20:54,720 --> 00:20:56,360
Don't salmon die after mating?
417
00:20:56,360 --> 00:20:58,800
Well, it's better than being eaten by a grizzly bear.
418
00:21:00,680 --> 00:21:02,800
Everyone, can I have your attention?
419
00:21:06,360 --> 00:21:09,280
I've got something I need to say to you.
420
00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:10,720
This flat isn't mine.
421
00:21:10,720 --> 00:21:13,680
I'm not independently wealthy and I've never read any Theo Tolstoy.
422
00:21:13,680 --> 00:21:16,080
- Leo Tolstoy.
- I don't care that you've got an adult son
423
00:21:16,080 --> 00:21:18,280
and I don't care that you've got a big important job.
424
00:21:18,280 --> 00:21:22,240
I just want you to know that Andy's ready for a grown-up relationship.
425
00:21:29,560 --> 00:21:33,720
# I feel it in my fingers
426
00:21:33,720 --> 00:21:37,920
# I feel it in my toes
427
00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:40,920
# Love is all around you... #
428
00:21:42,360 --> 00:21:44,960
Thanks. I don't think I could have survived the chorus.
429
00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:47,840
I'm not an idiot, Andy, I knew you were lying. I am a lawyer.
430
00:21:47,840 --> 00:21:49,640
Well, then, why didn't you say something?
431
00:21:49,640 --> 00:21:52,400
It's been a while since anyone's made the effort and it was sweet.
432
00:21:52,400 --> 00:21:54,840
And, of course, I like when men humiliate themselves.
433
00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:56,440
Well, you get sexier by the minute.
434
00:21:56,440 --> 00:21:58,480
I'm sorry, Andy. I can't do this.
435
00:21:58,480 --> 00:22:01,080
- But you held my hand? That means something.
- Yes.
436
00:22:01,080 --> 00:22:03,360
It means I was trying to get you to leave.
437
00:22:05,160 --> 00:22:08,560
Look. I know we're like chalk and cheese, but why can't we be together?
438
00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:09,720
I'm married.
439
00:22:09,720 --> 00:22:11,240
No. You're divorced.
440
00:22:11,240 --> 00:22:14,480
Yes. From my first husband. I'm still married to my second.
441
00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:16,640
Even if he is away most of the time.
442
00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:17,960
But where's your ring?
443
00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:28,240
Look, I like my life the way it is. It's tidy.
444
00:22:28,240 --> 00:22:30,320
Nobody gets hurt. Usually.
445
00:22:30,320 --> 00:22:34,160
I want a fling, that's it. If you're looking for something more, you need to look elsewhere.
446
00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:37,560
But if you can handle barn-storming sex with a powerful,
447
00:22:37,560 --> 00:22:39,280
older woman, no strings attached
448
00:22:39,280 --> 00:22:43,640
and the occasional all expenses paid meal or trip, then...
449
00:22:43,640 --> 00:22:44,920
I'm your gal.
450
00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:47,360
So what's it going to be?
451
00:22:57,560 --> 00:22:58,600
KNOCKING ON DOOR
452
00:22:58,600 --> 00:23:01,280
- Sam, you all right?
- Yeah, yeah.
453
00:23:01,280 --> 00:23:03,400
I just get a little sad whenever I hear Wet Wet Wet.
454
00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:05,360
God, the '90s sucked!
455
00:23:05,360 --> 00:23:07,960
Are you sure it's nothing that I've said?
456
00:23:07,960 --> 00:23:09,920
I haven't upset you or...?
457
00:23:09,920 --> 00:23:11,240
How could you upset me?
458
00:23:11,240 --> 00:23:13,680
You're the nicest fucking person in the world.
459
00:23:13,680 --> 00:23:16,920
I knew it. You do hate me.
460
00:23:16,920 --> 00:23:18,280
No. I don't hate you.
461
00:23:18,280 --> 00:23:23,720
Oh, it's like someone else wearing your old...bra.
462
00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:28,080
I mean, sure, it had some holes in it and the wire, like,
463
00:23:28,080 --> 00:23:29,760
dug into your pits, but it was yours.
464
00:23:29,760 --> 00:23:32,440
And it's really hard to find a good bra.
465
00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:35,840
I just really wanted you to like me.
466
00:23:35,840 --> 00:23:37,320
I thought we could be friends.
467
00:23:37,320 --> 00:23:39,880
Well, you're dating my ex, so that's going to be a bit tricky.
468
00:23:39,880 --> 00:23:42,160
But I can see that Ben is the luckiest man in the world
469
00:23:42,160 --> 00:23:44,280
to have you. Fucking bastard.
470
00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:47,840
Can I ask you something?
471
00:23:47,840 --> 00:23:49,000
Yeah, sure.
472
00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:52,440
You know his left ball, that lump...
473
00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:55,880
- Oh, yeah, no, it's always been like that.
- Oh, phew.
474
00:23:55,880 --> 00:23:58,960
Um...by the way, Ben told me the big news.
475
00:23:58,960 --> 00:24:01,400
- He did?
- Hmm.
476
00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:05,040
Oh. I thought we were going to keep it a secret until the ring was ready.
477
00:24:05,040 --> 00:24:08,960
- What?
- Yeah, he proposed before having a ring picked out.
478
00:24:08,960 --> 00:24:11,240
I mean, you know how impulsive he can be.
479
00:24:14,480 --> 00:24:15,760
Oh, God.
480
00:24:16,800 --> 00:24:19,240
I am SO sorry.
481
00:24:19,240 --> 00:24:21,280
Oh, don't tell him that I told you.
482
00:24:21,280 --> 00:24:23,160
And please don't tell Errol. Because I know
483
00:24:23,160 --> 00:24:25,680
that he wants to break the news to him when the time's right.
484
00:24:25,680 --> 00:24:28,320
- Oh, God, now you must definitely hate me.
- No. No.
485
00:24:28,320 --> 00:24:30,400
No - I'm freaking pumped!
486
00:24:30,400 --> 00:24:31,920
You really mean that?
487
00:24:31,920 --> 00:24:37,400
Definitely. You are going to make him a very, very happy bra.
488
00:24:37,400 --> 00:24:39,360
So, how is it being back in the workforce?
489
00:24:39,360 --> 00:24:41,960
- All right. A little bit tedious.
- Well, you know what they say -
490
00:24:41,960 --> 00:24:44,320
if it was supposed to be fun, they wouldn't call it work!
491
00:24:45,720 --> 00:24:47,080
Don't fuck Sam.
492
00:24:47,080 --> 00:24:50,120
- Are we ready to go?
- Yup. I think we're all sorted here.
493
00:24:51,920 --> 00:24:53,680
Bruce? You coming?
494
00:24:53,680 --> 00:24:56,600
Yes. I'm going to go with them.
495
00:24:56,600 --> 00:24:57,920
Oh, all right, OK.
496
00:24:57,920 --> 00:24:59,240
Bye!
497
00:25:01,240 --> 00:25:03,320
RINGING TONE
498
00:25:03,320 --> 00:25:06,200
Uh... Errol?
499
00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:09,240
Yes, Willow. It's me. Now, I know you're thinking, you must be thinking,
500
00:25:09,240 --> 00:25:12,640
"How can TripleTrouble69 and Errol both be the same person, when he's so cool?"
501
00:25:12,640 --> 00:25:15,400
Well, I'll tell you. Because, Willow, I am cool.
502
00:25:15,400 --> 00:25:17,400
You just couldn't see it before.
503
00:25:17,400 --> 00:25:20,240
But now that you know my secret, we can be cool together.
504
00:25:20,240 --> 00:25:21,920
Willow, will you go out with me?
505
00:25:21,920 --> 00:25:25,480
Wow. Errol. You're a crazy little man.
506
00:25:25,480 --> 00:25:28,920
Respect. But I'm sorry, I only go with fit dancers.
507
00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:31,760
I can dance. I've got the moves.
508
00:25:31,760 --> 00:25:33,960
Yeah? Let's see 'em.
509
00:25:36,320 --> 00:25:38,640
MUSIC PLAYS
510
00:25:48,440 --> 00:25:52,080
LAUGHTER
511
00:25:53,280 --> 00:25:55,840
This will make a great Vine.
512
00:25:55,840 --> 00:25:57,840
Thanks for the lolz, little man.
513
00:26:01,280 --> 00:26:02,680
Thanks for coming.
514
00:26:46,280 --> 00:26:47,520
Can I sit here?
515
00:26:48,600 --> 00:26:50,000
Do what you like.
516
00:26:54,120 --> 00:26:56,080
- Have you seen it?
- Yep.
517
00:26:56,080 --> 00:26:57,840
How bad is it?
518
00:26:57,840 --> 00:27:00,640
'I am TripleTrouble69.
519
00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:02,640
'I've got the moves.
520
00:27:05,000 --> 00:27:06,520
'We can be cool together.'
521
00:27:08,680 --> 00:27:11,040
Um... Tiff...
522
00:27:11,040 --> 00:27:13,760
I'm sorry that I acted like an idiot.
523
00:27:13,760 --> 00:27:15,880
You're my best friend. And I...
524
00:27:15,880 --> 00:27:18,800
I swear I'll never blank you again.
525
00:27:18,800 --> 00:27:20,360
OK.
526
00:27:20,360 --> 00:27:21,960
Hey, Errol.
527
00:27:21,960 --> 00:27:24,840
I don't care what anyone says. I think your dancing was cute.
528
00:27:24,840 --> 00:27:26,120
Thanks, Ruby.
529
00:27:29,360 --> 00:27:31,280
'Would Errol Meyer report
530
00:27:31,280 --> 00:27:33,640
'to the Head Teacher's office, immediately?'
531
00:27:33,640 --> 00:27:35,000
- Whoa...
532
00:27:35,000 --> 00:27:37,280
THEY CHANT
533
00:27:42,720 --> 00:27:44,040
So, what's the damage?
534
00:27:44,040 --> 00:27:47,960
Detention for two weeks and an apology to every teacher and student I mentioned.
535
00:27:47,960 --> 00:27:51,360
It's not all bad though, um, Willow and her crew have named a dance move after me.
536
00:27:51,360 --> 00:27:53,440
The TripleTrouble. It's quite cool, actually.
537
00:27:53,440 --> 00:27:56,880
Fact is - cool is like herpes. You've either got it or you haven't.
538
00:27:56,880 --> 00:27:58,120
How's it going with Teresa?
539
00:27:58,120 --> 00:27:59,240
Yeah, great.
540
00:27:59,240 --> 00:28:02,040
She totally gets the fact that I'm not a relationship kind of guy.
541
00:28:02,040 --> 00:28:05,240
I mean, she begged, sure, but I stood my ground.
542
00:28:05,240 --> 00:28:07,920
I'm like a lion on the prowl. Always hunting for my next meal.
543
00:28:07,920 --> 00:28:10,520
You know that the female lion does most of the hunting, right?
544
00:28:10,520 --> 00:28:11,760
MOBILE PHONE BEEPS
545
00:28:13,640 --> 00:28:15,840
Oh, Uncle Andy. Look what I got.
546
00:28:15,840 --> 00:28:17,640
Nice work, TripleTrouble. DOOR OPENS
547
00:28:17,640 --> 00:28:19,320
Hey!
548
00:28:19,320 --> 00:28:20,360
LEG IT!
45333
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