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1
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- How are you doing?
- Yeah. Shared custody isn't that bad, really. Mum and Dad are in better moods now.
2
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Oh, I made a new schedule.
3
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Oh, yeah.
4
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- It's good seeing you.
- Yeah.
5
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Whatever...
6
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MUSIC STARTS
7
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MUSIC SLURS TO A STOP
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One of these days I'm going to be dead for real
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and you won't respond appropriately! You didn't even check my vitals.
10
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Have you ever heard of the boy who cried wolf?
11
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He was preparing his village for imminent wolf attacks.
12
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As a result of gross negligence, a child was torn limb-from-limb!
13
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He had it coming though, didn't he?
14
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- Oh, shit! Come on!
- I'm tired of playing video games.
15
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That's what we do. You come over here and we play games. That's our thing.
16
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Yeah, for the last year. Can't we try a new "thing?"
17
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How about puzzles?
18
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Oh, fuck puzzles. Go on, switch it back on.
19
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- I'm bored, I'm going to Dad's.
- Oh, wait, look, I'm sorry.
20
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- I'm just cranky cos of my shit job.
- Why don't you just quit?
21
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I can't quit. If I quit I don't get severance.
22
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I've tried getting fired. I relabelled the whole
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aisle of carpets "baby shit brown" and nobody noticed.
24
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- I'm sorry too. This whole restraining order's just really...
- Getting on your tits?
25
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All this sneaking around has given me a rash. I've cut out caffeine so I know it's not that.
26
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Well, why don't we ask your dad to drop the restraining order? I'm sure he's cooled down by now.
27
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Oh, you think? Once I told him I didn't like his cooking and he didn't talk to me for a week!
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Then I guess we'll have to keep this secret for the rest of our lives.
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- Switch it back on and let's have a game!
- I've got a better idea.
30
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- Let's write a song!
- I think I did see a puzzle round here somewhere.
31
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Come on. When was the last time you wrote a really cracking tune?
32
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We haven't done anything together since, since Rage Records.
33
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Yeah. I'm just kind of letting some ideas percolate at the moment.
34
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No. Are you telling me you haven't written a song in a year?
35
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- You've got writer's block!
- I don't have writer's block!
36
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- It's OK. Hemmingway had writer's block.
- Really?
37
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- What did he do about it?
- He shot himself.
- DOOR BUZZER
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- Andy?!
- Shit! It's Mum. What are we going to do?
39
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- Let's tell her. She'll be cool.
- If Dad finds out that she knew he won't forgive her.
40
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- Fine. Climb out the window then.
- Er, no.
41
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I'm reporting you to the police.
42
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- Why?
- For being a neglectful brother.
43
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I have my first client tomorrow.
44
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Why would anyone let ME be their therapist?! I mean, do they know my history?
45
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And, look, look...
46
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I have bitchy resting face.
47
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I can't listen to crazy people's fucked-up problems and keep my bitchy face neutral.
48
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Right, quick, just tell me something horrible.
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- Something nobody knows.
- Er, I ran over a pigeon the other day.
50
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- Darker.
- I had a wank in a Tube station toilet.
51
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There was a homeless man crying in the cubicle next to mine.
52
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That didn't stop me. In a weird way, if anything, I think it helped.
53
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- How am I doing?
- You look constipated.
54
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Ugh! God I'm screwed. That story didn't really happen did it?
55
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No, the pigeon's fine. CANS CHINK
56
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What was that?
57
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Er, I have a girl over. Lola.
58
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Looks like someone's dry spell ended with a "bang."
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Get her out here. Let's meet the old gal.
60
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No! She's very shy.
61
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Is this Roly's bag?
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Yes. I mean, I miss him
63
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and I went out and I bought a bag that's exactly like his.
64
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So whenever I'm feeling lonely I can just look at it
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and imagine he's here.
66
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That is the saddest thing I've ever heard. Come here.
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If it makes it any easier, I know he misses you too.
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Right. Have fun with Lola.
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Bye.
70
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See you tomorrow, Lola.
71
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Until next time, Tube wanker.
72
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No, I don't think you look fat in it at all.
73
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- Well, only in the good parts...
- Dad, are you home?
74
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Oh, sweetie, I'd better go, Errol's home. No, I love you more. Bye.
75
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Sorry I was a bit late I was just, finishing off my homework at school.
76
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- No rest for the wicked, eh?
- This has become a habit.
77
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What's the point in calling it "homework"
78
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if you're not doing it at home?
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ERROL CHUCKLES
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Good one, Dad!
81
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Erm, Dad, can I ask you something?
82
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Is it the chicken?
83
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Sorry, I know your feelings on microwave radiation,
84
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- I didn't have time to cook it in the oven.
- No, it's fine. Don't worry about it.
- Good.
85
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Now, what did you want to ask?
86
00:05:05,120 --> 00:05:07,160
Erm, can you pass the salt, please?
87
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# Here I am, in a room
88
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# That's where I live
89
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# Next door lives a woman named Barbara
90
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# She likes a good doner kebabera. #
91
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Oh! Oh, argh!
92
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Would you like a tissue?
93
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Shh...
94
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Yeah...
95
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Ah, hello, Belle, do come in.
96
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- Just take a seat.
- SAM TAKES A DEEP BREATH
97
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Brilliant. Hmm...
98
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So I've got a little history from your mum,
99
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but this is your space, so I'd love to hear, hear from you.
100
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I know that eating disorders can be very challenging.
101
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- I don't have an eating disorder.
- Well, disordered eating.
102
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Behaviour, complex feelings towards food
103
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and shame which, hopefully, we can work on through these...
104
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- I don't have an eating disorder.
- ..sessions. You do not...
105
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You do not have an eating disorder.
106
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Andy?
107
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What are you doing?
108
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I understand if you want to fire me.
109
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Why would I fire you? That, that is like totally hilaire.
110
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You should do more of these. Customers'll love it.
111
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"Rich Butt."
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Just as well it isn't scratch and sniff!
113
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- It's good.
- Hi, there. Hi.
114
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Er, me and my wife, we're looking for some carpet for our home recording studio.
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We're thinking a sort of CBGBs meets like All Saints vibe so...
116
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Hang on, don't I know you?
117
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No. No, I've never seen you before.
118
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What colour are you looking for?
119
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- Can I interest you in a rich buttermilk?
- Oh, I've got it!
120
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You're that guy who was busking outside my coffee bar.
121
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Not me. Sorry. Haven't got a musical bone in my body.
122
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Trust me, mate, neither did this guy. He just stood there shouting
123
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"One survivor!"
124
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It was, "No Survivors!"
125
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So, it was you!
126
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- See you've got yourself a real job.
- Well, I'm still doing music.
127
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Oh!
128
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Well, you can't win 'em all!
129
00:07:19,320 --> 00:07:21,360
Well, what are you doing lately that's so great?
130
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Nothing. Apart from opening two more branches of the coffee bar.
131
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My band just recorded our first album, Sony's putting that out later this month.
132
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About to start shooting the music video for our new single.
133
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And you'll like this...
134
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The Guardian chose our EP as their Pick of the Week.
135
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I believe the quote was, "White hot.
136
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"If The Clash and Kasabian made a baby..."
137
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But that's it, what about you?
138
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# Prick you, prick you're a prick, prick, prick!
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# Got a prick for a face and a face for a prick!
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# Sick, sick well you make me
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# Sick, I wish you'd go away cos I find you intimidating... #
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Shit!
143
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DOOR BUZZER
144
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I couldn't do it.
145
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He's just too vulnerable, like one of those babies you find in bins.
146
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I've got writer's block.
147
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Were you listening to what I was just saying?
148
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Yeah, he's a bin baby. Now help me write a song.
149
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- Not until you help me speak to Dad.
- Let's write a song about it.
150
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That's a great idea!
151
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# Restraining order!
152
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- # Don't take away my happiness you
- BLEEP.
- #
153
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- Whoa! Whoa!
- What? Too much?
154
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I mean I could say, "Witch". It's not as good but it rhymes.
155
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- Maybe I should just write a letter.
- Letters are for pussies.
156
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- They say, "A great letter has the strength of 1,000 punches."
- A pussy said that.
157
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Aren't you worried about being out in public, someone could see us?
158
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Not in this neighbourhood. I mean the chances of seeing someone...
159
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Shit, it's Bruce. Get down.
160
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- Hey!
- Andy?
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Bruce, what are you doing in these parts?
162
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Just moved around the corner. Going around collecting the local menus.
163
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Why do you want to move round here? What's the matter, your wife kicked you out?
164
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Actually, yeah.
165
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Me and Claire's getting a divorce.
166
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Everyone's getting divorced these days. They're everywhere.
167
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They're like Cadbury's Creme Eggs in March.
168
00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:05,680
- How's it going with you?
- Yeah. Cranking out the hits.
169
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- Sorry about the whole Errol thing.
- Not fussed really.
170
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Kid was cramping my style.
171
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BANG Ugh!
172
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Haemorrhoids.
173
00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:14,640
You have company?
174
00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:17,800
Blind date. Lola. She's been in the toilet for ages.
175
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But she says the first day is her heaviest flow.
176
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Better leave you to it. Oh, and say, "Hi" to Sam for me.
177
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Yep.
178
00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:33,720
Tiffany said her mum cheated on him with a male hairdresser.
179
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Ouch! That's like a vegan stealing your hot dog.
180
00:09:37,440 --> 00:09:41,480
Oh, I ordered poached eggs, not scrambled. Scrambled eggs don't have definitive borders.
181
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- Then say something.
- No, it's fine.
182
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Look, if you don't speak up for yourself now, you'll never speak up for yourself.
183
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- You're just going to be invisible.
- I could sneak into the Science Museum without anyone noticing.
184
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- That's what you'd do with invisibility?
- Yeah. What, what would you do?
185
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It doesn't matter. Look, if you don't tell that waiter that he got your order wrong,
186
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then how do you expect to stand up to your dad?
187
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Excuse me.
188
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Hi, er, Jeremy.
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Erm, I ordered poached eggs, these appear to be scrambled.
190
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- I'll get 'em changed.
- No, Jeremy, you're missing the point.
191
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If you'd been listening when I ordered, we wouldn't find ourselves in this mess.
192
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The craft of good service is an art in many cultures.
193
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You could be an artist, Jeremy.
194
00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:22,320
- So how about you take a little pride in your job, hm?
- Sorry, sir.
195
00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:24,320
Don't be sorry. Be better.
196
00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:29,200
- How was that?
- Maybe you should just write a letter.
197
00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:30,960
How's this going to help?
198
00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:33,680
You need to detox your mind and body to get your confidence back.
199
00:10:33,680 --> 00:10:38,080
I'm confident! I went on a Boris bike the other day. Do you know how hard it is to look cool on those?
200
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- Your imagination's in a rut and we're going to free it.
- That's what alcohol's for!
201
00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:44,000
High in trans-fat. High in sodium.
202
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High in sugar. How often do you get exercise per week?
203
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Please, this body takes care of itself.
204
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Zero exercise...
205
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No, no, not the cigarettes.
206
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- Name one good thing about smoking?
- It makes me look cool?
207
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- Argh...
- High in sugar.
208
00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:02,600
High in...
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- I was just high.
- Do you get regular bowel movements?
210
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- What's that got to do with anything?!
- Irregular BMs.
211
00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:11,200
When was the last time you were intimate with a lady?
212
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Now, a gentleman never tells.
213
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Eight months and 23 days, all right?
214
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That completes the questionnaire.
215
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I'll prepare a food and exercise regimen for you.
216
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And in the meantime, no drinking or smoking,
217
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fast food or any sexual activity of any kind.
218
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- It keeps the mind focused.
- I'm focused. Now let's play video games?
219
00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:32,840
- What are you doing?
- Eliminating distractions.
220
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- Don't take my PlayStation, I need it!
- For what?
221
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Company.
222
00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:41,080
No!
223
00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:45,480
Look, Dad, you're a great guy but it's about time that you cut the crap and drop the restraining order.
224
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I'm sorry I said "crap" it's just...
225
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I'm, well, I'm a bit worked up.
226
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Good dry run.
227
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MOBILE BLEEPS
228
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- What?!
- She didn't speak to me for an hour!
229
00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:23,840
It must be my face, or is it my voice, is it too high?
230
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Oh, I sounded better when I was smoking. What do you think?
231
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I can't write a song. I'm empty inside.
232
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I could have told you that.
233
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- Big help, Miss professional therapist.
- You know what you need?
234
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Step nine of the 12 step programme, making amends with all the people you've wronged.
235
00:12:37,680 --> 00:12:41,640
- And why would I do that?
- Because your subconscious is overwhelmed with the burden of guilt
236
00:12:41,640 --> 00:12:45,440
- and it's blocking your creative flow.
- You're right.
237
00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:47,280
Your voice is annoying.
238
00:12:47,280 --> 00:12:48,840
But you love me.
239
00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:51,600
Clash and Kasabian!
240
00:12:52,720 --> 00:12:55,560
Excuse me. I was wondering if you could help?
241
00:12:55,560 --> 00:12:57,360
Can't you see I'm busy!
242
00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:02,880
Andy. My office. Now.
243
00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:07,920
I just want to say I totally respect you for what you're about to do.
244
00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:10,160
I'm ready. Give it to me.
245
00:13:10,160 --> 00:13:15,440
Andy that was a totally shocking display of initiative.
246
00:13:15,440 --> 00:13:18,320
Those craggy arseholes have been window shopping for three weeks.
247
00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:21,280
You just showed them that we only deal with serious customers.
248
00:13:21,280 --> 00:13:23,440
Andy, I'd like to offer you a promotion.
249
00:13:23,440 --> 00:13:27,000
How would you like to be Carpet Brothers' new Junior Manager?
250
00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:29,240
- Er...
- I know what you're thinking.
251
00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:33,040
"That's very nice, Roopesh, but how does that translate money-wise?"
252
00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:36,560
Well, how does 2.50 extra an hour sound?
253
00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:38,720
All right, £3, cheeky.
254
00:13:38,720 --> 00:13:42,120
But, you know, I can't go any higher. Do we have a deal, Andy?
255
00:13:42,120 --> 00:13:44,360
- Er, yes?
- Great.
256
00:13:44,360 --> 00:13:48,320
There's a delivery for you to celebrate, Mr Junior Manager!
257
00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:51,120
- Hello...?
- I'm upstairs. Go straight through.
258
00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:55,600
BACKGROUND MUSIC
259
00:14:09,160 --> 00:14:10,840
'No alcohol.'
260
00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:13,400
'No smoking.'
261
00:14:17,560 --> 00:14:19,960
By all means, help yourself.
262
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:23,560
Oh, erm... Hi, I've got a delivery for Mrs Connaught.
263
00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:26,000
Where do you want this?
264
00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:27,960
I saw you pilfer my cigarettes.
265
00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:31,040
I wasn't pilfering, you know, I was helping.
266
00:14:31,040 --> 00:14:33,480
You know, each one of them is 15 minutes off your life.
267
00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:35,120
I've just saved you an hour.
268
00:14:35,120 --> 00:14:38,760
That's two episodes of Girls or one episode of Question Time. Take your pick.
269
00:14:38,760 --> 00:14:41,600
I should call your boss right now and have you sacked.
270
00:14:41,600 --> 00:14:44,000
I'm not a snitch, though.
271
00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:46,280
That is hideous.
272
00:14:46,280 --> 00:14:48,200
Yeah. I mean, if you could just sign...
273
00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:51,240
- What makes you think I'm signing that?
- You don't want the rug?
274
00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:53,280
How old do you think I am? Be honest.
275
00:14:54,640 --> 00:14:56,880
- 52?
- Less honest.
276
00:14:56,880 --> 00:14:59,800
- 43?
- 45.
277
00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:03,040
Do you find older women attractive...
278
00:15:03,040 --> 00:15:04,880
- Andy?
- Erm...
279
00:15:04,880 --> 00:15:06,240
'No sexual activity!'
280
00:15:07,680 --> 00:15:12,720
- Sometimes.
- I feel the same about slovenly blue-collar delivery men.
281
00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:14,680
Do you get a lot of deliveries?
282
00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:17,960
Let's just say I was voted Ocado's Customer of the Year.
283
00:15:19,280 --> 00:15:22,440
Now. I'm going upstairs to run a bath.
284
00:15:22,440 --> 00:15:24,360
Are you coming?
285
00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:26,320
No sex!
286
00:15:26,320 --> 00:15:32,680
# Older lady
287
00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:34,240
# She like gravy.
288
00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:36,400
# Older-older-older-older-older lady.
289
00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:38,280
# Older-older-older lady! #
290
00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:39,960
Shit!
291
00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:47,320
- Is this really necessary?
- Well, apparently I can't write another song
292
00:15:47,320 --> 00:15:49,560
until I, "make amends" with the people I've hurt.
293
00:15:49,560 --> 00:15:54,280
- You're doing step nine. It only works if you've done steps one through eight?
- It's worth a try.
294
00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:57,680
Now prepare yourself. There's going to be some pretty angry adults in there
295
00:15:57,680 --> 00:16:00,040
and there may be some bad language.
296
00:16:00,040 --> 00:16:03,600
- What do you fucking mean, it's nice to see me?
- It's been so long, I almost missed you.
297
00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:07,680
- Almost. You brought an entertaining chaos to my life.
- Good one.
298
00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:11,800
Now skip to the part where you grab me by the balls and threaten to tear my nuts off.
299
00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:14,000
And use them as suppositories!
300
00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:15,560
I mean, for example.
301
00:16:15,560 --> 00:16:18,640
Sorry. I just can't be arsed. Could you pass me the glitter please?
302
00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:22,240
- Oh, Gwen? Give me something. Call me a useless prick...
- Or an odious troglodyte?
303
00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:26,720
Dad's right, Andy. I've barely heard from you in about, a year, apart from your status updates.
304
00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:29,800
- Is Carpet Brothers really that much of a shithole?
- Yes!
305
00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:33,760
You've got to be furious with me about something. I was the worst boyfriend in the world.
306
00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:38,080
Don't flatter yourself. Look, it's been a while and I've cooled off. Plus, we had some fun times.
307
00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:41,800
Oh, please don't tell me on the one day that I need it nobody wants to take a swing at me.
308
00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:44,280
Oh, mate, I'll gladly do the job.
309
00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:46,240
Oh! You're still around?
310
00:16:46,240 --> 00:16:48,360
- What's he doing here?
- We're having a nice chat.
311
00:16:48,360 --> 00:16:50,480
Don't worry your pretty, little head about it.
312
00:16:50,480 --> 00:16:53,040
Yeah, we wouldn't want to tax that brain cell.
313
00:16:54,800 --> 00:16:57,240
You sure you want to start this?
314
00:16:57,240 --> 00:17:01,400
I see they've got you working the store room. What's the matter? Animal testing not hiring?
315
00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:06,160
- Andy, just popped by to apologise for all of his stupid behaviour.
- Well, I never said stupid.
316
00:17:06,160 --> 00:17:08,360
- Oh, it's a given.
- So where's my apology?
317
00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:12,040
I know you were the one who wrote "Casper has a Lego piece dick" on my band's YouTube page.
318
00:17:12,040 --> 00:17:15,920
- Hey, you'd better not be cyberbullying my boyfriend.
- I never wrote that!
319
00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:19,200
Really? Someone else has the username Andyisthedogsbollocks82?
320
00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:30,080
Well, I told him he shouldn't have skipped steps one to eight.
321
00:17:30,080 --> 00:17:34,000
Is there anything you'd like to share today, Belles? Anything?
322
00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:35,400
This is your time.
323
00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:37,600
Just that my mum's a bitch for making me come here.
324
00:17:37,600 --> 00:17:40,240
And why, why do you think she wants you to come here?
325
00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:43,720
- Do you think she might be worried about you?
- You really want to get into this?
326
00:17:43,720 --> 00:17:46,160
All right...
327
00:17:46,160 --> 00:17:51,520
I don't eat because food is the one thing my mother can't control.
328
00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:55,160
She's not interested in my problems,
329
00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:58,880
so she wants to farm them off on you and have me come home all fixed.
330
00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:03,800
She doesn't want me better, she just wants me obedient.
331
00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:05,160
Fucking parents, right?
332
00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:08,040
Only listen when you tell them what they want to hear.
333
00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:09,800
This is great, Belle.
334
00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:12,600
And I want to help you find a healthy way to process this
335
00:18:12,600 --> 00:18:15,920
that doesn't involve you harming your body.
336
00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:18,480
You're not even a real therapist, are you?
337
00:18:18,480 --> 00:18:22,320
You're one of those trainees, trying to get their hours in. How's this hour going for you?
338
00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:26,240
- It's not your fault.
- Excuse me?
339
00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:29,920
It's not your fault.
340
00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:35,400
Are you Good Will Hunting me?
341
00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:37,320
That's us.
342
00:18:37,320 --> 00:18:39,040
That was good.
343
00:18:39,040 --> 00:18:41,560
- He's probably busy.
- He's at home doing his taxes.
- Exactly.
344
00:18:41,560 --> 00:18:45,400
- Never get between a man and his taxes.
- I did all the calculations, he's doing the paperwork.
345
00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:48,840
A monkey could do it. Come on, please. You promised.
346
00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:53,880
MOBILE BUZZES
347
00:18:53,880 --> 00:18:56,320
Hello?
348
00:18:56,320 --> 00:19:00,000
- Er, Yes. Who is this?
- Andy? Is that you?
349
00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:02,680
- It's Ben.
- Ben? Which Ben am I talking to?
350
00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:06,560
Your ex-brother-in-law, Ben.
351
00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:08,520
Yeah, that Ben. Hi!
352
00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:11,200
- Erm... How can I help you?
- You called me?
353
00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:13,280
Oh, yeah. That's right. I did.
354
00:19:13,280 --> 00:19:16,600
Yeah, I just wanted to ask you, how are you getting along with your taxes?
355
00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:19,080
How do you know I'm doing my taxes?
356
00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:24,800
Because I took acid at Glastonbury in 2004 and ever since then
357
00:19:24,800 --> 00:19:27,240
I've been a little bit psychic. Bye!
358
00:19:27,240 --> 00:19:29,400
Well, you can't say we didn't try.
359
00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:31,720
- I feel a song coming along.
- No, call him back.
360
00:19:31,720 --> 00:19:33,600
Give me back my axe. I am not messing around.
361
00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:38,680
- You'll have writer's block until you tell him to drop the restraining order.
- I do not. Check this out.
362
00:19:38,680 --> 00:19:41,280
# Writer's block, writer's block
363
00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:43,680
# I'm going to come and do your lock
364
00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:46,720
# Writer's block, writer's block
365
00:19:46,720 --> 00:19:48,880
# You can suck my big fat... #
366
00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:51,920
DOORBELL BUZZES
367
00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:53,240
I'm shit!
368
00:19:54,640 --> 00:19:56,360
I Good Will Hunting-ed her.
369
00:19:56,360 --> 00:19:59,120
I've had all this training and the best I could do was a cheesy line
370
00:19:59,120 --> 00:20:02,720
- by Ben Affleck and Matt Damon.
- I heard they didn't write that.
- I need a cigarette.
371
00:20:02,720 --> 00:20:07,000
- I thought you quit.
- I'm unquitting. Where are they?
- I don't have any.
- Liar. I know where you hide them.
372
00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:10,240
- Andy, move.
- You'll never guess who I bumped into the other day?
373
00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:13,000
- Bruce. He says, "Hello."
- That's great. Get out of the way.
374
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:16,000
- I can't! Lola's in the shower.
- I can't hear any water.
375
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:20,480
Lola? Hi! It's Sam, Andy's sister. Can I come in please?
376
00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:23,920
No! Sorry. I'm naked. I've boobs and everything.
377
00:20:23,920 --> 00:20:26,760
Polish. Bit of a prude.
378
00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:29,200
Just use the shower curtain then. I'm coming in.
379
00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:31,480
Argh!
380
00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:35,600
Ha! I knew it.
381
00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:37,920
Mum! No!
382
00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:45,160
Errol, get your things and get in the car.
383
00:20:46,440 --> 00:20:48,160
Now!
384
00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:51,280
Sam...
385
00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:56,760
Ugh! Sam!
386
00:20:58,200 --> 00:20:59,560
Jesus, Errol.
387
00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:03,280
You can't go undermining every decision that your dad makes that you don't agree with.
388
00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:05,880
Andy could get in a lot of trouble over this.
389
00:21:07,080 --> 00:21:10,200
And your dad, he's just trying to protect you, in his own way.
390
00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:13,080
He just wants you to be safe
391
00:21:13,080 --> 00:21:15,720
and quiet and obedient...
392
00:21:17,800 --> 00:21:19,600
..and...
393
00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:21,960
Oh, shit!
394
00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:25,680
Well, if it isn't our new Junior Manager. Where's your uniform?
395
00:21:25,680 --> 00:21:28,880
Oh wait, you're starting casual Fridays? That's a brilliant idea.
396
00:21:28,880 --> 00:21:31,480
Roopesh, I appreciate everything you've tried to do for me.
397
00:21:31,480 --> 00:21:33,880
It's just that something's not quite working out here.
398
00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:38,240
Is this about the employee vending machine? I promise, I'll get that fixed. It's just been mayhem.
399
00:21:38,240 --> 00:21:41,480
No. It's not that. It's just that I qui...
400
00:21:45,160 --> 00:21:47,280
- Can you give me a minute?
- Yeah.
401
00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:53,600
It wasn't my idea. He just started coming over and I couldn't get rid of him.
402
00:21:53,600 --> 00:21:55,960
Andy. Shut up. Right. Here's how we're going to do this.
403
00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:58,720
I'm going to pretend like I know nothing about your arrangement
404
00:21:58,720 --> 00:22:02,840
and we are never going to speak of this again but you have to promise me something.
405
00:22:02,840 --> 00:22:06,080
- Ben must never find out about this. Understood?
- Yeah.
- Yes.
406
00:22:06,080 --> 00:22:08,000
Good.
407
00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:10,360
- Is that really called Nut Cream?
- Yeah.
408
00:22:10,360 --> 00:22:11,560
Wow!
409
00:22:11,560 --> 00:22:14,160
- Ben's here.
- What?
- Hide!
- Oh, Jesus.
410
00:22:15,240 --> 00:22:20,800
Ben! Long time no see. Can I interest you in a fine Persian?
411
00:22:20,800 --> 00:22:23,280
A rug, not a person.
412
00:22:23,280 --> 00:22:26,040
- You must think I'm a total fucking idiot.
- Er, it's a joke.
413
00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:29,360
Hello, you can't sell people, that is illegal.
414
00:22:29,360 --> 00:22:31,360
Also known as trafficking.
415
00:22:31,360 --> 00:22:33,560
The only way you could have known I was doing my taxes
416
00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:34,920
was if Errol told you.
417
00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:39,440
Or, if Errol told Sam and Sam told me. She is my sister. We do talk.
418
00:22:39,440 --> 00:22:42,560
- What are you waving at?
- Nothing. I've got that restless arm syndrome.
419
00:22:42,560 --> 00:22:44,760
Don't let me near an auction!
420
00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:49,360
Oh, Dad. Fancy seeing you here.
421
00:22:49,360 --> 00:22:52,360
Congratulations, Andy. You're now officially breaking the law.
422
00:22:52,360 --> 00:22:54,600
- I'm calling the police.
- No, no, no, Dad, please wait!
423
00:22:54,600 --> 00:22:57,560
- Ben, listen, we can talk about this.
- I'll deal with you two in a minute.
424
00:22:57,560 --> 00:23:00,560
No. It's fine. I'm walking away. 200 metres. Officially walking...
425
00:23:00,560 --> 00:23:02,240
- I said stop!
- Errol!
426
00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:04,280
What? You're always asking me how I'm doing.
427
00:23:04,280 --> 00:23:07,040
If you're so curious, I've been... I've been seeing Uncle Andy
428
00:23:07,040 --> 00:23:08,800
every day after school for the last year.
429
00:23:08,800 --> 00:23:10,320
Because he's the only person I feel
430
00:23:10,320 --> 00:23:12,640
I don't have to pretend to be happy around all the time!
431
00:23:12,640 --> 00:23:15,000
I don't make you pretend. You can tell me your feelings.
432
00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:17,160
My feelings? OK. The restraining order is stupid.
433
00:23:17,160 --> 00:23:18,200
He's in this family
434
00:23:18,200 --> 00:23:20,520
and you can't stop me from seeing someone in my family.
435
00:23:20,520 --> 00:23:23,240
- I'm 13 now. It should be MY choice, not yours!
- But the drugs...
436
00:23:23,240 --> 00:23:25,320
Were an accident and he's been punished enough.
437
00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:27,440
And you weren't there, so how would you even know?
438
00:23:27,440 --> 00:23:29,160
The reason he's here is because you two
439
00:23:29,160 --> 00:23:31,760
didn't have the time for me in the first place.
440
00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:39,680
Well, this is a first.
441
00:23:39,680 --> 00:23:42,640
This is normal. He's finally processing his anger towards you.
442
00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:45,560
Towards me?! Is that what you guys think of me as?
443
00:23:45,560 --> 00:23:46,600
Bad cop?
444
00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:52,120
Dammit.
445
00:23:53,360 --> 00:23:54,400
Fine.
446
00:23:55,520 --> 00:23:57,400
I'll lift the restraining order.
447
00:23:57,400 --> 00:24:00,240
But if you ever endanger my son again...
448
00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:02,160
- Oh, yeah, you'll kill me.
- No.
449
00:24:02,160 --> 00:24:04,840
I'll move out of the country. And I'll take Errol with me.
450
00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:14,880
So how about we take another crack at this song then?
451
00:24:14,880 --> 00:24:17,120
I don't think that's going to happen, mate.
452
00:24:17,120 --> 00:24:19,680
I believe my song-writing days are behind me.
453
00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:22,320
It's...
454
00:24:23,400 --> 00:24:25,360
It's not your fault.
455
00:24:25,360 --> 00:24:27,520
- What?
- It's not your fault.
456
00:24:27,520 --> 00:24:29,200
Are you Good Will Hunting me?
457
00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:32,000
Listen to me, Andy. It's not your fault.
458
00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:35,000
- That's not going to work, Sam.
- It's not your fault.
- Sam, stop it.
459
00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:37,520
Look at me. It's not your fault.
460
00:24:37,520 --> 00:24:38,920
It's not your fault.
461
00:24:40,880 --> 00:24:43,720
But it is, it is my fault.
462
00:24:45,360 --> 00:24:48,840
He was my responsibility and I fucked up.
463
00:24:52,440 --> 00:24:55,360
- And he almost...
- Yeah, but he didn't, and he's fine.
464
00:24:55,360 --> 00:24:58,680
And you have to let go of this, and forgive yourself, and move on.
465
00:24:58,680 --> 00:25:00,840
Or you're never going to write again.
466
00:25:02,480 --> 00:25:05,960
- Uncle Andy?
- Yeah?
467
00:25:05,960 --> 00:25:07,240
I forgive you.
468
00:25:12,400 --> 00:25:15,880
# Lately I've been feeling strange
469
00:25:15,880 --> 00:25:19,800
# Something deep inside me changed
470
00:25:19,800 --> 00:25:22,800
# My DNA was rearranged
471
00:25:22,800 --> 00:25:26,600
# I've been down and out
472
00:25:26,600 --> 00:25:30,680
# But holy fuck I'm back again
473
00:25:30,680 --> 00:25:34,240
# Just like the phoenix from the flames
474
00:25:34,240 --> 00:25:38,040
# Or Jesus Christ or Whatshisname
475
00:25:38,040 --> 00:25:42,480
# I was lost but now I'm found
476
00:25:42,480 --> 00:25:44,920
- # I'm back
- He's back!
477
00:25:44,920 --> 00:25:48,760
- # Consider my lessons learned
- He's back!
478
00:25:48,760 --> 00:25:52,760
- # The prodigal son's returned!
- He's really back!
479
00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:55,360
# Re-building the bridges I burned!
480
00:25:55,360 --> 00:25:58,840
- # Burned!
- Burned!
481
00:25:58,840 --> 00:26:00,800
# I'm back to save my reputation
482
00:26:00,800 --> 00:26:02,960
# Save you all from your damnation
483
00:26:02,960 --> 00:26:04,800
# Start the fucking celebration
484
00:26:04,800 --> 00:26:07,200
- # I've seen the holy light!
- He's back!
485
00:26:07,200 --> 00:26:08,720
# Everybody bow before me
486
00:26:08,720 --> 00:26:10,560
# Gather round and all adore me
487
00:26:10,560 --> 00:26:12,120
# Restore me to my former glory
488
00:26:12,120 --> 00:26:14,560
# The resurrection's nigh!
489
00:26:18,160 --> 00:26:20,440
- # I'm back!
- He's fuckin' back!
490
00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:22,520
# I'm feeling myself again
491
00:26:22,520 --> 00:26:24,280
# Thank fuck, he's back!
492
00:26:24,280 --> 00:26:26,640
# Relieving myself of pain
493
00:26:26,640 --> 00:26:28,160
# Holy shit, he's back!
494
00:26:28,160 --> 00:26:30,880
# And rising above the flames!
495
00:26:30,880 --> 00:26:33,760
- # Flame!
- Flames!
496
00:26:33,760 --> 00:26:36,560
- # I'm back!
- Sweet shit, he's back, he's back
497
00:26:36,560 --> 00:26:38,520
# Your prayers have been answered at last!
498
00:26:38,520 --> 00:26:40,160
# Hot piss, he's back, he's back
499
00:26:40,160 --> 00:26:42,440
# Returning like Lazarus
500
00:26:42,440 --> 00:26:43,880
# Big Dick is back, he's back
501
00:26:43,880 --> 00:26:46,440
# You'd better start kissing my ass
502
00:26:46,440 --> 00:26:47,520
- # Ass!
- Ass!
503
00:26:47,520 --> 00:26:50,040
# Ass! Ass, ass, ass, ass!
504
00:26:50,040 --> 00:26:54,120
# I'm baaaack! #
505
00:26:59,880 --> 00:27:00,920
You're fired!
506
00:27:07,360 --> 00:27:09,400
- What are you doing here?
- I've written a song.
507
00:27:09,400 --> 00:27:12,280
- Give me back my PlayStation.
- Not until you write a whole album.
508
00:27:12,280 --> 00:27:14,960
Don't make me kill you in front of all these nice people.
509
00:27:14,960 --> 00:27:18,320
We've only just had the restraining order lifted.
510
00:27:18,320 --> 00:27:21,240
- What's this?
- It's a food and exercise regimen I've prepared for you.
511
00:27:21,240 --> 00:27:24,160
Well, I haven't got writer's block any more. So why would I need this?
512
00:27:24,160 --> 00:27:27,680
You'll be healthier and more attractive to the opposite sex.
513
00:27:27,680 --> 00:27:30,680
- Goji berries?
- Yeah. They're a potent antioxidant.
514
00:27:30,680 --> 00:27:33,080
So's a chicken korma. Why do you care if I write an album?
515
00:27:33,080 --> 00:27:35,200
I don't. It's just since I stood up to Dad,
516
00:27:35,200 --> 00:27:37,000
I've discovered something about myself.
517
00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:38,600
Honesty is the best policy?
518
00:27:38,600 --> 00:27:40,240
I like telling people what to do.
519
00:27:54,240 --> 00:27:55,680
Oh, I'm back.
520
00:28:02,080 --> 00:28:06,920
So what do these Goji berries taste like then?
43520
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