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'This is Shelly. Leave a message after the...
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ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS
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I'm just phoning... If, erm...
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If you think there's any chance of us getting back together...
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just give me a sign.
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DOORBELL RINGS
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Oh, what are you two doing here?
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I have that tree-hugging retreat thing, remember?
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You said Roly could stay over the weekend.
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Yeah, I didn't think you were being serious.
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My flat's not really child-proofed. There's rusty nails everywhere.
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He's had his tetanus jab.
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Oh, come on, how can you say no to this face?
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This programme contains strong language.
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What's with the giant bag?
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- He's only staying for three days.
- That's his tent.
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He brings it to all of his sleepovers. It keeps him safe.
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What from? Jaguars?
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Germs. I wrote a song about it. Do you want to hear?
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Maybe a bit later.
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Why don't you go and wash your hands, darling?
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Thanks for this. I feel really guilty leaving him,
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but my lawyer and my therapist say that I need to centre myself
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so I'm not a mess during the custody verdict next week.
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If I try calling, don't answer me. I need tough love.
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Tough love's my specialty.
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- Shelly's stopped talking to me.
- What is it with you?
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Why do you only fall in love after you've ruined things horribly?
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I guess I'm just...romantic that way?
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What is it with the mints?
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I don't know. He's on an oral-hygiene kick.
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Anyway I've got to go. I love you, munchkin!
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Call me if you need anything.
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Like child-sized body bags?
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I made a schedule for the next three days.
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- You've laminated it.
- I have a machine.
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It's got everything on it. Meal times, bedtimes, poo times.
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- What are we meant to be doing now?
- "Explain schedule to Andy."
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Tomorrow we've got the planetarium.
40
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They've got a black hole exhibit.
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You want to know about black holes? Look at my bank account.
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- How are we going to afford all that?
- Mum gave me some pocket money.
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Probably best if you let me hang on to that.
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No. You'll just waste it on beer and cigarettes.
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Now, I've got biology homework to do,
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so I'm going to need total peace and quiet.
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COMPUTER GAME BLARES
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Can you turn that down, please?
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Killing zombies quietly, it's like trying to fart daintily.
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It can't be done.
51
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Why don't you have a go?
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You haven't lived until you've blown a zombie's brains out.
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- If I do will you buy me sushi for dinner?
- If you kill 20 zombies.
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That is run and that is fire.
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You've taken to that like a zombie...to brains.
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How are you feeling about the custody verdict?
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You're just trying to distract me so you won't have to pay for sushi.
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No, I'm serious. I mean, basically,
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you've got a judge that's going to come along
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and decide on your whole future living schedule, right?
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And we all know how much you love a schedule.
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I don't mind really, as long as Mum and Dad are happy.
63
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Yeah, but what makes you happy?
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I don't know. What makes you happy?
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Bingo, 20 zombies.
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Yeah, hm.
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PHONE RINGS Hang on.
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Hello?
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Yes.
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Yes. Right now?
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I mean, yeah, we can.
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OK. Thanks.
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That was Rage Records. That was Rage Records! I-I-I sent them a demo
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and a clip of us playing and Mo Khan at Rage Records,
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he wants us to come in right now for a meeting with them.
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- Who's Mo Khan?
- Mo Khan of Rage Records!
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He's Like the Simon Cowell of Rage Records only without the moobs.
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I mean, if he tweets about us once,
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we are pretty much automatically famous.
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But I can't. I haven't finished my biology homework.
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RAGE RECORDS!
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I have sacrificed my entire weekend for you.
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If you come with me and do this,
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I will buy you all the sushi in Tokyo.
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If they offer drinks, say yes. Always say yes to drinks.
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What if I'm not thirsty?
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That brings me to my next point - don't be weird.
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Weird? How am I weird?
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- Do you think they'd like to hear my germ song?
- No.
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We're not playing anything. Never play at meetings. It looks desperate.
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Mr Khan will see you now.
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OK, most important of all -
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remember, be cool.
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MINTS CASCADE TO FLOOR
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- Yeah. This is the one
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cos it's fucked up and I love it. Oh, shit. Gotta go.
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Yo! Errol and Andy. The Bear Maximum.
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Can Trix get you guys a drink? Orange juice? Coke? Vodka?
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You look like a daytime drinker.
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Could I have a coconut water, please?
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I'll have a Virgin Mary. Easy on the virgin.
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Sit. Relax. Make yourselves at home.
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Don't touch that.
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What do you think?
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Wow. I love that
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Correct answer. These guys will be huge,
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like the Pet Shop Boys without the gay stuff.
108
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- Their new single's called Man-gerie. You should check it out.
- Man-gerie?
109
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As in men's lingerie. It's dope. Errol, you don't seem sold?
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That's just his face.
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It's nothing. It's just that picture is a bit...silly.
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You're right.
113
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So, what's the deal here. Are you his dad?
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I'm his uncle, actually.
115
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Cool. You're like indie rock's answer to LMFAO.
116
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Well, that sounds LMFAO-wesome.
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You don't say much, do you?
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- I'm not weird.
- Ha-ha!
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Can I just say, Mo, what an honour it would be to be on your record label.
120
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To be honest, I wasn't 100% sold on your demo.
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That's why I brought you in - to hear the magic for myself.
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Sorry. We don't have our instruments with us.
123
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No probs. We've got a guitar and keyboard right over there,
124
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but you should go and warm up your voice.
125
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I never warm up my voice.
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You should go warm up.
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Erm, sure.
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Always a first for everything.
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Can I get you anything else? Cupcakes, bison burger,
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a bowl of Starmix with all the orange and yellows picked out?
131
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Do you have any mints?
132
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Keep them. I want to be honest with you, kid.
133
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I'm not interested in The Bear Maximum.
134
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The name sucks and the sound blows.
135
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Do you know what I am interested in, though?
136
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Coconuts?
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You. You're the main attraction, my friend.
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When I saw you in that clip,
139
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I knew I was looking at the next Conor Maynard.
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- Who?
- Exactly.
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When I'm done with you, you'll blow the competition out the water.
142
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I'm going to make you a pop star.
143
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Kid, I want to sign you right now. What do you say?
144
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But what about my Uncle Andy?
145
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Will you just forget about your uncle a second?
146
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Think about you and your whole family.
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You'll be able to buy your mum a house, your dad a yacht,
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your uncle his own studio. Hell, his own label!
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You'll all be happy.
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You're not going to mess this up. You're not going to mess this up.
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You're not going to mess this up.
152
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Are you going to mess this up?
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If you go solo, you'll be able to
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write your own songs, pick your own sound.
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You'll be rich and famous.
156
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If your uncle really cares about you, he'll man up and step aside.
157
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So what do you say? You want to be a star?
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Famous people have no privacy, so how will I go to the planetarium?
159
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Kid, when I'm done with you, you'll be able to buy the planetarium.
160
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You won't regret this. I'll have the contracts drawn up for your parents to sign.
161
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You want me to break the news to your uncle?
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No! I'll tell him. He can be a bit sensitive.
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All right, let's do this!
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You know what?
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I have another meeting now, but we're having a party tomorrow night.
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You two should definitely come. I could introduce you to some people,
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keep this vibe going. What do you say?
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# I'm fucking famous, bitch
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# I'm also stupid rich
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# You see my plan You understand
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# Has gone without a hitch
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# I'm fucking living it
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# I do not give a shit
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# I'm in the band and in demand
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# I'm fucking famous, bitch
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It's been a long time coming And I've finally made it
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I've been busting my arse And I'm finally famous
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I've got the world in my palms Got the girls on my arms
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I'm the man with the plan Better raise the alarm
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This is to the pricks that ever doubted my talent
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I'm fucking famouser than you so it should be apparent
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Every single dick that ever said I was shit
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Will be choking on their words when I'm spitting the hits
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I'm getting absolutely everything that I ever wanted
185
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If you're a legend like me then you might as well flaunt it
186
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I got a gold record like an over-achiever
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I bought a gold car and a golden retriever
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I jump to the front I don't know what a queue is
189
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Got a throne in my home that I bought from John Lewis
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All of my clothes are Abercrombie & Fitch
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They don't even fit me but I'm famous, bitch
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# I am a millionaire I live without a care
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# I'm so well known, I'm fully grown This is all my own hair
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# I got the perfect pitch
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# I sunk your battleship
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# I've got the fame, you know my name
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# I'm fucking famous, bitch! #
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ANDY CONTINUES TO HUM/GRUNT THE TUNE
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- Uncle Andy?
- Mm?
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Would you still be happy if you weren't famous?
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I've tried living the life of an anonymous rock star
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and it ain't pretty.
203
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Do you know, next week I've got an interview at Carpet Brothers.
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Carpet Brothers! That's how close my life was to being over.
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Every single music executive
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that has ever turned me down is going to be at that party
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and I can't wait to see the look on their faces when Mo Khan
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shows US off like his new girlfriend with the big, massive tits.
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And, yes, they are real.
210
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But do you know the best part about this is?
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We're going to be doing this together.
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What were you talking to Mo about when I wasn't in the room?
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Planetariums.
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Ha! What a couple of dorks!
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ANDY MIMICS AN EXPLOSION
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What do you think?
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You look like a vicar.
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I look like a domino. I look like a sexy, sexy domino.
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People love dominos.
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Domino's Pizza, Fats Domino...
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I don't think it's a good idea
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buying an expensive suit just for one night.
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- You said you were broke.
- So you'll be chipping in your pocket money.
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- No way. That's for the planetarium.
- What's more important?
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Us looking good on the most important night of our lives
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or going to some planet aquarium?
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ANDY'S PHONE RINGS
228
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Yep?
229
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- I told you not to answer if I called.
- Sh!
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Why did you call then?
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To see if you'd answer. How's Roly? Is he missing me?
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Have you been to the black hole exhibit?
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The little fella had some bad sushi last night.
234
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- We're kind of taking it easy today.
- Ugh...
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Oh, no, does he want me to come home? I can be there in 45 minutes.
236
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- Sh!
- No, he's fine. I've got it under control.
237
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How are things with you?
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Great, it's really relaxing.
239
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I have to find my tree tonight and bond with it,
240
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so I'll basically just be hugging a giant wooden penis.
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- SH!
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Well, watch out for splinters.
243
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Better run, Roly's sushi looks like it's coming up for an encore.
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- Ugh!
- Bye.
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Sh!
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"Satisfaction" by Benny Benassi
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Errol!
248
00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:57,040
This is stupid.
249
00:10:57,040 --> 00:10:59,720
I feel like a ventriloquist's dummy.
250
00:10:59,720 --> 00:11:02,040
This is marketing. We're a band.
251
00:11:02,040 --> 00:11:03,720
That's like being in the cool gang.
252
00:11:03,720 --> 00:11:05,520
You look like a tiny ringleader.
253
00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:10,680
Those people shouldn't be smoking cigarettes. It's a fire hazard.
254
00:11:10,680 --> 00:11:12,840
Don't worry. They're not smoking cigarettes.
255
00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:14,120
How long do we have to stay?
256
00:11:14,120 --> 00:11:16,440
As long as it takes to get a signed recording contract.
257
00:11:16,440 --> 00:11:18,240
Kaboom! Look who just walked in.
258
00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:20,160
Y'all look like two swagged-up lion tamers.
259
00:11:20,160 --> 00:11:21,800
So, how'd the talk go?
260
00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:23,600
We've discussed it and...
261
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:26,440
The Bear Maximum is ready to sign on the dotted line.
262
00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:29,320
Wow, I...don't know what to say.
263
00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:31,360
Just say yes.
264
00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:34,280
- Hey.
- Hey!
265
00:11:34,280 --> 00:11:36,320
Errol, Andy, this is Fresh Keyz.
266
00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:38,360
Fresh is THE hottest producer right now.
267
00:11:38,360 --> 00:11:40,600
Tell 'em who you just got out the studio with.
268
00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:42,320
- Dizzee.
- And now he's bonkers!
269
00:11:42,320 --> 00:11:43,440
Nice to meet you, Fresh.
270
00:11:43,440 --> 00:11:46,120
My name's Andy King. I'm the lead vocalist and song-writer.
271
00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:48,080
- Yeah, I'm familiar with your work.
- Really?
272
00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:51,240
I caught one of your gigs. Really liking those lo-fi sounds.
273
00:11:51,240 --> 00:11:54,360
I could...FRESH kiss you right now.
274
00:11:54,360 --> 00:11:57,280
This is the kid I was telling you about. He's like a mini Mozart.
275
00:11:57,280 --> 00:11:59,480
I hope not. Mozart died at the age of 35.
276
00:11:59,480 --> 00:12:02,040
MO LAUGHS LOUDLY, THE OTHERS JOIN IN
277
00:12:02,040 --> 00:12:05,040
Someone's been on Wikipedia too much.
278
00:12:05,040 --> 00:12:06,880
Beats and brains. I love it.
279
00:12:06,880 --> 00:12:09,600
Rol-dog, let's leave these sound nerds to it, huh?
280
00:12:09,600 --> 00:12:12,200
Want to check out the ice-cream bar I had put in?
281
00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:14,160
No can do. He's lactose intolerant.
282
00:12:14,160 --> 00:12:16,360
It's OK, Uncle Andy. I'm sure they'll have sorbet.
283
00:12:17,360 --> 00:12:19,880
Man, you have got to tell him before it gets embarrassing.
284
00:12:19,880 --> 00:12:23,200
What are your views on digital versus analogue?
285
00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:26,600
Well, digital's very cool right now, but analogue...
286
00:12:26,600 --> 00:12:27,920
Sex on the beach?
287
00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:30,280
Whoa, don't mind if I do.
288
00:12:30,280 --> 00:12:32,160
HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY
289
00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:35,720
- I'll be right back!
- No, it...
290
00:12:35,720 --> 00:12:37,280
Welcome to the VIP room.
291
00:12:37,280 --> 00:12:39,400
- Your coconut, sir.
- Thank you.
292
00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:40,600
These are the hit makers.
293
00:12:40,600 --> 00:12:45,520
I invited guys from MTV, XFM, Radio 1, Radio 2, even Radio 4.
294
00:12:45,520 --> 00:12:47,560
They begged. They're all here for you.
295
00:12:47,560 --> 00:12:50,840
You're my King Kong. I discovered you and now I'm bringing you home.
296
00:12:50,840 --> 00:12:52,880
Didn't King Kong die at the end?
297
00:12:52,880 --> 00:12:56,240
But he climbed the Empire State Building first. Hey, look.
298
00:12:57,640 --> 00:12:59,200
We even made T-shirts.
299
00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:00,840
Guys, listen up.
300
00:13:00,840 --> 00:13:03,280
I haven't been this excited about a new act
301
00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:05,520
since I caught a flash of Florence's "machine".
302
00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:06,720
LAUGHTER
303
00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:09,440
Forget Bieber, forget Kanye. I give you...
304
00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:10,760
Errol!
305
00:13:10,760 --> 00:13:12,640
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
306
00:13:12,640 --> 00:13:14,760
- Shelly, wait!
- Did you follow me here?
307
00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:19,080
No. Actually, me and Errol were personally invited here by Mo Khan.
308
00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:22,040
Yeah, right. You can't come up with a better lie than that?
309
00:13:22,040 --> 00:13:24,040
No, it's true. I think he's going to sign us.
310
00:13:24,040 --> 00:13:25,600
Well, good for you.
311
00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:27,680
You deserve it for being such a great guy
312
00:13:27,680 --> 00:13:32,760
Shelly, what are you doing here? Since when were you a waitress?
313
00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:35,480
Since a friend told me there was a catering spot at a Rage party.
314
00:13:35,480 --> 00:13:37,080
And because, if you'd spent
315
00:13:37,080 --> 00:13:39,200
one second listening while we were together,
316
00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:40,920
you'd have heard me talk about MY dreams
317
00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:43,480
- of becoming a signed recording artist.
- Oh, mini pizzas.
318
00:13:44,760 --> 00:13:47,680
Shelly, wait! I can help. Let me introduce you to Fresh Keyz.
319
00:13:47,680 --> 00:13:49,200
He's this hotshot producer.
320
00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:52,800
Oh, my God. You'd do that for me? That's so sweet.
321
00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:55,760
I mean, I'm sure you won't expect anything in return,
322
00:13:55,760 --> 00:13:58,000
like pathetic make-up sex, now, would you?
323
00:13:58,000 --> 00:14:01,640
I was thinking more "hot and steamy", but I'll take "pathetic".
324
00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:07,040
ANDY'S PHONE RINGS
325
00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:09,840
You're making this tough-love thing really hard.
326
00:14:09,840 --> 00:14:11,880
I know. I'm sorry. I'm having Roly withdrawals.
327
00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:14,080
Can you put him on, please? I need to hear his voice.
328
00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:15,800
What's that drumming?
329
00:14:15,800 --> 00:14:17,760
It's supposed to guide me to my special tree,
330
00:14:17,760 --> 00:14:20,400
but it's doing my head in. Where are you? It sounds like a party.
331
00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:22,040
Er, no. That's just my surround sound.
332
00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:26,080
Watching The Hangover. Vegas, baby!
333
00:14:26,080 --> 00:14:30,000
- Errol's brushing his teeth right now, he can't talk now. Bye.
- Andy?
334
00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:31,480
Oh, there you are.
335
00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:33,800
What kind of amp do you use?
336
00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:35,960
I'm guessing you're a vox man, right?
337
00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:39,920
Erm, yeah. No, em...Marshall. Have you seen Errol?
338
00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:41,720
I'm sure Mo's taking good care of him.
339
00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:44,360
You could trust him with the royal baby.
340
00:14:44,360 --> 00:14:45,520
What's going on in there?
341
00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:47,640
Oh, just boring stuff.
342
00:14:47,640 --> 00:14:49,320
You can't go in there.
343
00:14:49,320 --> 00:14:51,160
It's VIP only.
344
00:14:51,160 --> 00:14:52,920
If Errol's a VIP, I'm V-VIP.
345
00:14:52,920 --> 00:14:57,080
Seriously. I can't let you in there. He'll kill me.
346
00:14:57,080 --> 00:14:59,640
Fresh. What the fuck's going on?
347
00:14:59,640 --> 00:15:01,360
Look...
348
00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:04,400
..my name's not Fresh. It's Norman.
349
00:15:04,400 --> 00:15:05,680
I'm an intern.
350
00:15:05,680 --> 00:15:07,400
Mo asked me to keep you occupied.
351
00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:10,280
Occupied from what, Norman?
352
00:15:10,280 --> 00:15:11,880
Who wants to hear what the kid can do?!
353
00:15:11,880 --> 00:15:13,320
CHEERING
354
00:15:13,320 --> 00:15:14,440
What's going on here?
355
00:15:14,440 --> 00:15:16,160
I'm sorry, Mo. I tried to stop him!
356
00:15:16,160 --> 00:15:17,400
You're fired.
357
00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:19,440
Dude, you were going to find out sooner or later.
358
00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:21,000
I'm not signing you.
359
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:23,040
Fine. Come on, Errol.
360
00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:26,480
No. I'm not signing you. I am signing him.
361
00:15:29,640 --> 00:15:32,640
That's crazy, right? Errol? That's crazy, yeah?
362
00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:36,040
Sorry. I just can't sell this drunk Elvis thing you've got going on.
363
00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:38,520
But everyone loves Elvis.
364
00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:41,840
Young, cool Elvis. Not peanut butter sandwich, dead on the toilet Elvis.
365
00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:44,320
You're not current and you're definitely not cool.
366
00:15:50,360 --> 00:15:51,400
Uncle Andy, wait!
367
00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:54,160
You knew the whole time, didn't you?
368
00:15:54,160 --> 00:15:55,200
I wanted to tell you.
369
00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:58,680
It's just with all the money, I can buy you a record label.
370
00:15:58,680 --> 00:16:00,560
And with Mum and Dad, I can fix everything.
371
00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:02,440
I just want everyone to be happy.
372
00:16:03,920 --> 00:16:05,120
I hope you're happy now.
373
00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:20,520
Um, this is a song I wrote called Silent Killer
374
00:16:20,520 --> 00:16:22,000
Already sounds like a hit!
375
00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:24,000
LAUGHTER
376
00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:26,800
# Now we've all been told, Don't mix raw meat with your veg.
377
00:16:26,800 --> 00:16:28,640
# Wash your bits, pits and teeth
378
00:16:28,640 --> 00:16:30,520
# And your hands on the reg
379
00:16:30,520 --> 00:16:33,400
# Wipe down all surfaces after the slaughter
380
00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:37,640
# And rinse your cutting boards with warm soapy water
381
00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:40,040
# Now you might ask, What's a little blood splatter?
382
00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:44,240
# Well, Health and Safety is no laughing matter
383
00:16:44,240 --> 00:16:48,720
# Unless you want Salmonella E coli, Listeria and pink eye... #
384
00:16:48,720 --> 00:16:50,440
Shelly, you like my music right?
385
00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:51,600
Not now, Andy.
386
00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:55,320
No go on it's important. Please. You'd buy my album right?
387
00:16:55,320 --> 00:16:58,600
Honestly? It's not really my thing.
388
00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:00,240
But I wouldn't throw it away.
389
00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:03,000
I mean my nan's got me every Susan Boyle album
390
00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:04,920
and I've kept them all.
391
00:17:04,920 --> 00:17:06,440
Great.
392
00:17:08,640 --> 00:17:10,280
I'm, fucking, Su-Bo.
393
00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:12,080
# Sushi grade tune is the only kind of raw fish
394
00:17:12,080 --> 00:17:13,640
# Anyone should ever try to have in a raw dish
395
00:17:13,640 --> 00:17:15,160
# Otherwise louses rip off your tongue,
396
00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:16,720
# While nematodes go swimming round in your lung
397
00:17:16,720 --> 00:17:18,400
# Toxoplasmosis - you're a zombie slave to cats
398
00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:20,200
# And bubonic plague that's what you catch from rats
399
00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:21,960
# And evil chickens they're the worst of the bunch,
400
00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:24,960
# Plotting and planning on how to spoil your lunch
401
00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:28,960
# So don't accept meat from a dodgy looking fella
402
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:35,160
# Better yet, don't eat, so you won't get salmonella. #
403
00:17:39,040 --> 00:17:40,640
FEEDBACK
404
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:45,360
Errol, everyone! Wasn't that great?
405
00:17:45,360 --> 00:17:46,560
Smells like a number one.
406
00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:49,720
More like a number two. What the hell was that?!
407
00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:51,640
- I heard someone clapping.
- That was Radio 4!
408
00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:54,120
- Don't you know any Bieber?
- You said I could do my own songs?
409
00:17:54,120 --> 00:17:56,400
Yeah, if they were about kissing girls and sexting,
410
00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:57,440
not kitchen hygiene!
411
00:17:57,440 --> 00:17:59,600
- Now play something cool.
- Kitchen hygiene is cool.
412
00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:01,400
Not if you want to go platinum.
413
00:18:01,400 --> 00:18:04,360
Now, are you going to play something else or what?
414
00:18:04,360 --> 00:18:05,840
I don't want to go platinum.
415
00:18:05,840 --> 00:18:07,280
I want to go to the planetarium.
416
00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:12,240
Errol!
417
00:18:12,240 --> 00:18:13,800
Rol-dog!
418
00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:17,000
I'm current. Everything moves in cycles.
419
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:20,360
Bieber's just the new David Cassidy.
420
00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:23,160
Oh, you don't even fucking know who David Cassidy is.
421
00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:27,120
Partridge family. '70-'74. Best TV band.
422
00:18:27,120 --> 00:18:29,680
Aside from The Monkeys. Obviously.
423
00:18:29,680 --> 00:18:32,040
Davey Jones.
- Yeah, he was the shit.
424
00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:33,280
This is all my fault.
425
00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:37,240
I was the one who checked out your demo and recommended it to Mo.
426
00:18:37,240 --> 00:18:39,560
I tried telling him that you guys were a good package,
427
00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:41,680
but he was only interested in the kid.
428
00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:45,320
You recommended our demo?
429
00:18:45,320 --> 00:18:47,640
Yeah. I thought it was solid.
430
00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:48,760
I'd buy your album.
431
00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:53,680
Hi, Mum.
432
00:18:53,680 --> 00:18:55,640
Have you brushing your teeth that whole time.
433
00:18:55,640 --> 00:18:59,480
- I keep telling you, two minutes is enough.
- Mum, what makes you happy?
434
00:18:59,480 --> 00:19:02,200
New shoes and a comfortable bra.
435
00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:04,640
I'm joking. You make me happy.
436
00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:05,800
Me? Why?
437
00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:08,600
Because you alphabetise all my books,
438
00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:12,000
and you tell me if I'm wearing too much make-up,
439
00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:15,640
and you write the funniest birthday cards,
440
00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:19,640
plus you're really good at picking a ripe avocado,
441
00:19:19,640 --> 00:19:22,880
and you help me finish crosswords I have no business finishing.
442
00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:25,880
And because...
443
00:19:27,840 --> 00:19:31,640
..you are the only thing in this world I know I got right.
444
00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:36,040
- Night, Mum.
- Night, sweetheart.
445
00:19:58,640 --> 00:19:59,960
That's it, then.
446
00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:03,080
I'm just going to work in Carpet Brothers and slowly die.
447
00:20:03,080 --> 00:20:06,360
No, man. You're a musician.
448
00:20:06,360 --> 00:20:08,040
People need to hear your music.
449
00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:11,680
So, what you're saying is, I'm not Carpet Brothers material.
450
00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:14,360
Hey, man. Have you seen Errol?
451
00:20:14,360 --> 00:20:17,320
Yeah, he's about this tall with no sense of loyalty.
452
00:20:18,320 --> 00:20:20,840
No, seriously. He ran out on me and I've been looking for him
453
00:20:20,840 --> 00:20:22,080
for like half an hour.
454
00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:23,480
Then who's watching him?
455
00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:26,600
Mo, you have come with me. This kid's being hilarious.
456
00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:34,880
Errol, what are you doing?
457
00:20:34,880 --> 00:20:37,840
Oh, hi, Uncle Andy. I've invented a new dance style.
458
00:20:41,320 --> 00:20:42,400
Andy, what's going on?
459
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:45,360
Errol, get off the floor you're going to get dirty.
460
00:20:45,360 --> 00:20:47,640
Who cares about a few germs, we're all germs really
461
00:20:47,640 --> 00:20:48,880
if you think about it.
462
00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:51,760
Your face looks like a Furby.
463
00:20:54,080 --> 00:20:56,560
If I didn't know any better I'd say he's completely...
464
00:20:56,560 --> 00:20:57,600
Off his tits, yeah.
465
00:20:57,600 --> 00:21:00,760
Errol, darling, has anyone given you anything to drink or eat?
466
00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:02,880
Only breath mints from Mo's desk.
467
00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:04,840
Didn't taste very nice though.
468
00:21:04,840 --> 00:21:06,320
I keep my E in a mint tin.
469
00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:07,360
What?!
470
00:21:07,360 --> 00:21:09,920
Yeah. Your nephew's tripping balls on Ecstasy.
471
00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:11,840
Errol, how many mints did you have?
472
00:21:11,840 --> 00:21:13,760
One, two, three, infinity.
473
00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:15,800
Want to watch me move through the Higgs field?
474
00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:18,280
Higgs Bos-on! Higgs Bos-off!
475
00:21:18,280 --> 00:21:20,920
Damn! Kid's going to be a legend after this.
476
00:21:23,640 --> 00:21:24,960
What the hell man!?
477
00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:26,760
You were supposed to be looking after him!
478
00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:27,880
He's not my kid!
479
00:21:27,880 --> 00:21:29,720
What do we do?
480
00:21:29,720 --> 00:21:30,760
HE RETCHES
481
00:21:30,760 --> 00:21:34,200
"The Only Living Boy In New York" by Simon & Garfunkel
482
00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:42,480
# I know your part will go fine
483
00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:49,360
# Fly down to Mexico
484
00:21:50,440 --> 00:21:53,520
# Da-du-da-du-da-du-da
485
00:21:53,520 --> 00:21:55,160
# And here I am
486
00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:59,080
# The only living boy in New York
487
00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:05,600
# I get the news
488
00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:08,400
# I need on the weather report... #
489
00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:11,280
Thanks.
490
00:22:15,800 --> 00:22:17,120
Any news?
491
00:22:17,120 --> 00:22:19,720
He's in recovery now. The nurses says he's going to be fine.
492
00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:23,400
We can go and see him in a little while.
493
00:22:23,400 --> 00:22:25,800
This is going to blow the custody case.
494
00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:28,160
This happened on my time, Andy. My watch.
495
00:22:28,160 --> 00:22:30,040
I trusted you to take care of him.
496
00:22:31,040 --> 00:22:32,080
I know. I'm sorry.
497
00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:37,440
- I'll do whatever it takes to make this better, I promise.
- How?!
498
00:22:38,680 --> 00:22:40,640
It wasn't my fault.
499
00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:42,760
Who keeps their drugs in a mint tin?
500
00:22:42,760 --> 00:22:44,760
Who takes a 12-year-old to a party with drugs!?
501
00:22:47,800 --> 00:22:49,520
I can explain.
502
00:22:49,520 --> 00:22:51,200
Ben, wait!
503
00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:53,680
Excuse me. The family can come through now.
504
00:22:56,720 --> 00:22:59,600
No, not you. You're not going anywhere near my son.
505
00:23:01,120 --> 00:23:02,200
Sam?
506
00:23:02,200 --> 00:23:03,320
Just go home, Andy.
507
00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:06,680
Shelly...
508
00:23:08,080 --> 00:23:09,520
..where are you going?
509
00:23:09,520 --> 00:23:11,640
- Home.
- You could stay?
510
00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:13,160
I never thought I'd say this,
511
00:23:13,160 --> 00:23:14,360
but I think out of everyone
512
00:23:14,360 --> 00:23:16,120
you probably hate me the least right now.
513
00:23:16,120 --> 00:23:19,080
Andy, I'm used to being the crazy one in a relationship,
514
00:23:19,080 --> 00:23:21,800
but you, you just blow me out the water.
515
00:23:24,200 --> 00:23:26,360
But it wasn't my fault.
516
00:23:26,360 --> 00:23:27,720
It was a little bit your fault.
517
00:23:58,920 --> 00:23:59,960
PHONE RINGS
518
00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:09,360
Hey. How are you feeling?
519
00:24:10,440 --> 00:24:14,080
Good. No lasting brain damage. But I'm still keeping an eye on it.
520
00:24:14,080 --> 00:24:15,320
Are you back at school yet?
521
00:24:15,320 --> 00:24:17,240
Yeah. They made me a gluten free cake.
522
00:24:17,240 --> 00:24:19,680
Is everyone this nice when you have an overdose?
523
00:24:19,680 --> 00:24:21,120
I wish.
524
00:24:21,120 --> 00:24:22,680
Do you know of the verdict yet?
525
00:24:22,680 --> 00:24:24,040
No. Your mum said three.
526
00:24:24,040 --> 00:24:27,000
When can I come over and play video games?
527
00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:28,040
Mr King?
528
00:24:29,920 --> 00:24:31,240
Look, I've got to go. Bye.
529
00:24:37,720 --> 00:24:39,440
Would you say you work well with others?
530
00:24:39,440 --> 00:24:40,720
Definitely. People love me.
531
00:24:40,720 --> 00:24:43,240
At school I was voted most likely to start a cult.
532
00:24:43,240 --> 00:24:45,240
What would you say is like the toughest choice
533
00:24:45,240 --> 00:24:46,320
you've ever had to make?
534
00:24:46,320 --> 00:24:48,600
Whopper or Big Mac. I still can't decide.
535
00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:51,040
One of them flame grilled, the other one's a double patty.
536
00:24:51,040 --> 00:24:52,960
It's like Sophie's Choice in a way, isn't it?
537
00:24:52,960 --> 00:24:55,560
You've been working as a babysitter. How did that come about?
538
00:24:55,560 --> 00:24:57,480
I got that gig through a family connection.
539
00:24:57,480 --> 00:25:00,600
I can't handle kids, personally. Don't have the patience for them.
540
00:25:00,600 --> 00:25:01,720
I know what you mean.
541
00:25:01,720 --> 00:25:04,160
It's weird, one minute you want to throw them in the river
542
00:25:04,160 --> 00:25:07,480
tied to a bag of rocks, the next minute you find yourself...
543
00:25:10,080 --> 00:25:14,200
..doing the most ridiculous things in order to make them happy.
544
00:25:17,200 --> 00:25:18,480
Excuse me.
545
00:25:27,840 --> 00:25:29,840
Objection!
546
00:25:29,840 --> 00:25:30,960
- Oh, shit.
- Oh, shit.
547
00:25:30,960 --> 00:25:32,360
We're in the middle of a hearing.
548
00:25:32,360 --> 00:25:34,600
Your honour, that's my sister sitting right there.
549
00:25:34,600 --> 00:25:38,200
And she doesn't deserve to have her boy taken away because of me.
550
00:25:38,200 --> 00:25:39,400
I'm the fuck up.
551
00:25:39,400 --> 00:25:41,880
I'm a 31-year-old nobody musician
552
00:25:41,880 --> 00:25:46,160
who can't hold down a job or a relationship.
553
00:25:46,160 --> 00:25:49,760
I lie for fun, I hurt everyone I care about.
554
00:25:49,760 --> 00:25:52,640
I've used a sock as toilet paper...
555
00:25:52,640 --> 00:25:54,720
on more than one occasion.
556
00:25:54,720 --> 00:25:56,240
I'm a shabby battering ram
557
00:25:56,240 --> 00:25:58,280
and it's my fault Errol ended up in hospital.
558
00:25:58,280 --> 00:26:00,720
It was my fault and my fault alone.
559
00:26:00,720 --> 00:26:03,280
Don't punish Sam cos of my mistakes.
560
00:26:03,280 --> 00:26:05,680
She's a great mum and he's a great kid.
561
00:26:05,680 --> 00:26:07,440
He's taught me how to de-scale a kettle,
562
00:26:07,440 --> 00:26:09,520
the correct way to fold T-shirts.
563
00:26:09,520 --> 00:26:12,680
He's just taught me the meaning of "homo erectus"
564
00:26:12,680 --> 00:26:15,400
and it's not what you think it is.
565
00:26:15,400 --> 00:26:17,520
I swear I won't go near that kid again.
566
00:26:19,120 --> 00:26:21,120
Just don't ruin his childhood because of me.
567
00:26:22,680 --> 00:26:24,680
He was just starting to get normal.
568
00:26:27,400 --> 00:26:28,840
Um. The defence rests.
569
00:26:32,600 --> 00:26:33,640
Andy, wait!
570
00:26:35,600 --> 00:26:38,040
I'm sorry. That was a bad idea.
571
00:26:38,040 --> 00:26:40,160
I think I've just made things a lot worse.
572
00:27:07,200 --> 00:27:08,240
DOORBELL RINGS
573
00:27:12,880 --> 00:27:14,880
Roly? What are you doing here?
574
00:27:14,880 --> 00:27:16,640
You wouldn't return my calls.
575
00:27:16,640 --> 00:27:19,880
- Sorry, mate. The restraining order...
- Doesn't say anything about calling.
576
00:27:19,880 --> 00:27:21,840
Seriously, you should go. I mean, 200 metres.
577
00:27:21,840 --> 00:27:23,560
We're already breaking the law as it is.
578
00:27:23,560 --> 00:27:25,320
Since when do you care about the law?
579
00:27:25,320 --> 00:27:26,520
I'm taking the bus home now,
580
00:27:26,520 --> 00:27:30,720
so if you factor in traffic, road works, delays,
581
00:27:30,720 --> 00:27:32,760
that could easily give us an hour.
582
00:27:32,760 --> 00:27:33,920
An hour for what?
583
00:27:35,200 --> 00:27:38,000
So...how are you doing?
584
00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:41,280
Yeah. Shared custody isn't that bad, really.
585
00:27:41,280 --> 00:27:42,920
Mum and Dad are in better moods now.
586
00:27:44,440 --> 00:27:45,880
Oh, I made a new schedule.
587
00:27:47,240 --> 00:27:48,360
Oh, yeah.
588
00:27:51,240 --> 00:27:52,480
It's good seeing you.
589
00:27:53,880 --> 00:27:54,920
Yeah.
590
00:27:56,880 --> 00:27:58,040
Whatever.
591
00:27:58,040 --> 00:28:00,880
"Me And You" by Jake Bugg
45766
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