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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,680 --> 00:00:08,960 Hey, pretty girl, let's go out together 2 00:00:08,960 --> 00:00:10,200 Go out together 3 00:00:10,200 --> 00:00:12,200 The first two weeks we'll rock 4 00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:13,840 We'll laugh and frolic 5 00:00:13,840 --> 00:00:16,200 You'll bake me a pie You're so sweet I could die 6 00:00:16,200 --> 00:00:18,200 Hey, pretty girl, pretty girl 7 00:00:18,200 --> 00:00:20,920 You're going to break my heart I can tell 8 00:00:20,920 --> 00:00:22,720 I know how this ends 9 00:00:22,720 --> 00:00:26,480 Go to hell, pretty girl Go to hell, hell, hell! 10 00:00:26,480 --> 00:00:29,440 Hell, I mean, I'm still ironing out the lyrics but what do you think? 11 00:00:29,440 --> 00:00:30,520 HE SIGHS 12 00:00:30,520 --> 00:00:33,400 - I don't want to go on this school trip. - What are you talking about? 13 00:00:33,400 --> 00:00:35,360 A few days out on a farm sounds like fun. 14 00:00:35,360 --> 00:00:37,080 Last year they went to Legoland. 15 00:00:37,080 --> 00:00:40,240 Why can't we go to Legoland? Or Oslo, the cleanest city in Europe. 16 00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:42,920 Clean? You're going to a farm. There'll be loads of fresh air. 17 00:00:42,920 --> 00:00:45,880 - I have hay fever. - All right then. Fresh milk... - Lactose. 18 00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:48,520 You're lactose intolerant. Erm, fresh eggs, then. 19 00:00:48,520 --> 00:00:51,760 I'm keeping an eye on my cholesterol and there'll be ticks everywhere. 20 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:53,480 I could get Lyme disease! 21 00:00:53,480 --> 00:00:55,640 It's better than Lemon disease. 22 00:00:57,160 --> 00:01:00,680 I bet Murray Thomas is going to sit next to me on the bus. 23 00:01:00,680 --> 00:01:02,920 He always blows his nose into the same handkerchief. 24 00:01:02,920 --> 00:01:06,320 - You've to get me out of this, you're my favourite uncle. - Nice try. 25 00:01:06,320 --> 00:01:08,920 Look, once I got invited to a party and I turned it down. 26 00:01:08,920 --> 00:01:11,840 I said, "No I'm not going," and I stayed in and played X-box instead. 27 00:01:11,840 --> 00:01:16,040 - And do you know what? I found out later that that party turned into an orgy. - What's that? 28 00:01:16,040 --> 00:01:19,720 It doesn't matter. Point is, this trip will be good for you. 29 00:01:19,720 --> 00:01:22,760 But if you need someone to talk to, you can always phone me. 30 00:01:22,760 --> 00:01:25,200 And you'll answer, no matter what? 31 00:01:25,200 --> 00:01:26,880 No matter what. 32 00:01:26,880 --> 00:01:30,320 Unless you reverse the charges and then, no way. 33 00:01:30,320 --> 00:01:36,280 This programme contains some strong language. 34 00:01:36,280 --> 00:01:39,360 Wow, Kelly Talbot 'friended' me. I had my first spliff with her. 35 00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:42,080 My God, her baby is so ugly 36 00:01:42,080 --> 00:01:44,120 and she looks really old. 37 00:01:44,120 --> 00:01:45,760 I love Facebook. 38 00:01:46,880 --> 00:01:49,360 I don't look this old, do I? PHONE PINGS 39 00:01:49,360 --> 00:01:52,880 - Who's that? - Oh, it's Shelly. 40 00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:56,120 - She keeps texting me. - Oh, is it getting serious? 41 00:01:56,120 --> 00:01:58,680 - Are you going to have ugly babies together? - No! 42 00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:01,080 She's just a fling while me and Gwen are on a break. 43 00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:02,360 I think she wants a lot more. 44 00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:04,080 She left her toothbrush in my bathroom. 45 00:02:04,080 --> 00:02:07,640 - That's the uranium of grooming appliances. - Shit, you have to be honest with her. 46 00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:10,480 You can't just string her along. PHONE RINGS 47 00:02:10,480 --> 00:02:14,320 - What were you saying about stringing people along? - That's my sponsor. 48 00:02:14,320 --> 00:02:16,480 She's very sweet, she's just not very cool. 49 00:02:16,480 --> 00:02:19,480 But there's this woman in my group, Suzy. 50 00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:21,400 She was a wild child in the '60s. 51 00:02:21,400 --> 00:02:25,040 She slept with Hendrix, Jagger, all of Zeppelin. 52 00:02:25,040 --> 00:02:27,000 I want HER to be my sponsor. 53 00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:29,480 She'll be like my fucked up fairy godmother. 54 00:02:29,480 --> 00:02:32,560 Oh, by the way. I gave your number to Roly's teacher, Melodie. 55 00:02:32,560 --> 00:02:35,760 - She wanted it for some music day project. - Cool. 56 00:02:35,760 --> 00:02:38,200 Don't even think about sleeping with her. 57 00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:41,800 - Oh, even if I say you look younger than Kelly Talbot? - Not even then. 58 00:02:41,800 --> 00:02:44,160 Fine, I'm a rubbish liar, anyway. 59 00:02:46,040 --> 00:02:47,120 Ow! 60 00:02:47,120 --> 00:02:50,520 - This is a lovely idea, Sam. - Oh, I'm glad you think so, Agnes. 61 00:02:50,520 --> 00:02:52,680 I love a bit of art therapy. 62 00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:56,800 I was thinking that you must be getting tired of me. 63 00:02:56,800 --> 00:02:58,280 No, not at all. 64 00:02:58,280 --> 00:03:01,400 You know, I never had children, 65 00:03:01,400 --> 00:03:03,320 but I've come to see you as a daughter. 66 00:03:04,520 --> 00:03:08,520 Daughters move out though, don't they, 67 00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:12,240 when they go to university or run off with their maths teacher? 68 00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:13,800 Are you breaking up with me? 69 00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:16,560 I just think we should see other people for a bit. 70 00:03:16,560 --> 00:03:18,720 Yeah, it might be good for us. 71 00:03:25,880 --> 00:03:28,400 PHONE BUZZES 72 00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:30,040 - Yeah? - 'I did it!' 73 00:03:30,040 --> 00:03:33,720 - I broke up with my sponsor. Did you talk to Shelly? - Yeah... 74 00:03:33,720 --> 00:03:37,520 - All done. - I'm so proud of us, we're like real grown-ups, 75 00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:40,360 taking life by the horns. Horning it up. 76 00:03:40,360 --> 00:03:42,440 Andy? 77 00:03:42,440 --> 00:03:44,440 Who's that? What's all done? 78 00:03:44,440 --> 00:03:48,480 "All done" as in pizza delivery order. 79 00:03:48,480 --> 00:03:50,600 I've just ordered a pizza. 80 00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:55,400 A breakfast pizza with sausage and mushrooms and beans on it, 81 00:03:55,400 --> 00:03:57,920 stuff like that. Should probably go and pick it up. 82 00:03:57,920 --> 00:03:59,200 Don't they deliver? 83 00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:03,680 Yeah, but I'm trying to save the planet from... 84 00:04:03,680 --> 00:04:06,640 - all the scooter fumes. - Aren't you driving? 85 00:04:06,640 --> 00:04:10,520 Yes, but I'm driving very slowly. 86 00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:12,640 PHONE RINGS 87 00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:15,600 - I really can't talk now! - Oh, sorry. 88 00:04:15,600 --> 00:04:18,320 - Oh! Melodie? - Hi, Andy. 89 00:04:18,320 --> 00:04:21,600 - I'm not interrupting an important recording session, am I? - No, no. 90 00:04:21,600 --> 00:04:23,680 I was just stepping out. Drummers, eh? 91 00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:25,760 Aren't you on that school trip with Errol? 92 00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:28,280 God, no, I get a couple of days to spoil myself. 93 00:04:28,280 --> 00:04:30,440 I hear you, porn and ice-cream. 94 00:04:30,440 --> 00:04:31,560 SHE CHUCKLES 95 00:04:31,560 --> 00:04:35,360 So, I wanted to ask about a music project, 96 00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:37,160 'do you have time to meet?' 97 00:04:38,280 --> 00:04:40,280 Sure, how about right now? 98 00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:41,520 CHILDREN CHATTER 99 00:04:43,720 --> 00:04:46,200 HE SNEEZES 100 00:04:50,520 --> 00:04:53,080 OK, so you want me to produce a song for your class? 101 00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:56,360 I can do that. I'd be like the Rick Rubin to their Beastie Boys. 102 00:04:56,360 --> 00:04:59,040 - How much does it pay? - Oh, uh, there's no money involved. 103 00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:02,480 Just good will and biscuits, Mr Rubin. 104 00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:04,680 Oh, I love giving back. 105 00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:07,120 Not the biscuits, I'm keeping those. 106 00:05:07,120 --> 00:05:09,520 So, what sort of sound are you looking for? 107 00:05:09,520 --> 00:05:10,920 I don't know. 108 00:05:10,920 --> 00:05:13,400 - Erm, The Beatles? - Ugh, The Beatles. 109 00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:16,680 They're a bit like the Labrador puppies of pop music, aren't they? 110 00:05:16,680 --> 00:05:18,960 You should introduce them to something different, 111 00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:21,160 something that'll blow their tiny little minds. 112 00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:23,840 You should listen to some of the music in my record collection. 113 00:05:23,840 --> 00:05:26,000 I don't have a record player. 114 00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:27,520 You can listen round mine. 115 00:05:28,840 --> 00:05:32,640 - I mean, it's not like a date or anything. - Yeah, that would be great. 116 00:05:32,640 --> 00:05:36,280 - How's about tomorrow? - Perfect. It's a date. 117 00:05:36,280 --> 00:05:37,360 TELEPHONE PINGS 118 00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:42,600 Holy shit! 119 00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:46,440 - You've gotta go. - What? - You gotta go. 120 00:05:46,440 --> 00:05:48,760 Sam's on her way over, she's had a really bad haircut, 121 00:05:48,760 --> 00:05:49,960 needs a shoulder to cry on. 122 00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:52,680 - Said she looked like the Elephant Woman. - Where's the pizza? 123 00:05:52,680 --> 00:05:54,160 DOORBELL RINGS 124 00:05:55,560 --> 00:05:57,640 Right, you need to climb out. 125 00:05:57,640 --> 00:06:00,160 Sam'll be devastated if you see her like this. 126 00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:02,440 Please, for me. 127 00:06:09,040 --> 00:06:11,480 Tell her she owes me for this. OK? 128 00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:19,240 Casper dumped me! 129 00:06:19,240 --> 00:06:20,880 I'm so sorry to disturb you. 130 00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:24,360 I would have gone to my dad's but you know how overprotective he is. 131 00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:26,440 Casper said he needed space. 132 00:06:26,440 --> 00:06:29,120 - What does that mean? - It probably means he's cheating on you. 133 00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:31,200 SHE CRIES 134 00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:38,960 Wait! You know this does not mean we're getting back together, right? 135 00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:41,800 Yeah. No, absolutely. No, we're not. 136 00:06:43,160 --> 00:06:44,560 I need a piss. 137 00:06:48,760 --> 00:06:50,680 PHONE RINGS 138 00:06:54,040 --> 00:06:56,520 - What? - You'll never guess what I just found out. 139 00:06:56,520 --> 00:06:58,000 Babies aren't made in clouds? 140 00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:01,200 They only have communal showers where we're going. Like prison! 141 00:07:01,200 --> 00:07:04,400 - I bet Legoland have proper showers. - You'll be fine. Don't drop the soap. 142 00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:07,480 Wait! That's not the worst part. Murray Thomas wants to share bunks! 143 00:07:07,480 --> 00:07:11,440 I can't do this, please, if you pick me up, I'll work on some new songs with you. 144 00:07:11,440 --> 00:07:14,880 - No deal, I'm busy. I've just got back with Gwen. - When did you break up with Shelly? 145 00:07:14,880 --> 00:07:18,720 - Uh, soon. - You can't have two girlfriends at the same time! 146 00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:21,160 Are you the girlfriend police? I can have as many as I want. 147 00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:23,120 If you juggle too many balls, you'll drop one. 148 00:07:23,120 --> 00:07:25,080 What do you know about balls dropping?! 149 00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:32,080 Why have you got two toothbrushes? Are you seeing somebody? 150 00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:38,560 No, one of them's for my top set and the other one's for my bottoms. 151 00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:39,840 Is that weird? 152 00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:46,720 Suzy, I've been watching you in meetings. 153 00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:48,760 Oh, it's so creepy. 154 00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:53,920 Suzy, I think you're a cool chick. 155 00:07:53,920 --> 00:07:56,320 Oh, my God, it's so cheesy. 156 00:07:56,320 --> 00:07:59,120 Suzy, you're the shit, I'm the shit, let's shit together? 157 00:07:59,120 --> 00:08:00,720 DOORBELL RINGS 158 00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:05,440 What a fucking mess. It took me 20 minutes to find a parking space. 159 00:08:05,440 --> 00:08:08,520 - I'm so sorry. - What are you sorry for? It's not your fault, sweetheart. 160 00:08:08,520 --> 00:08:10,120 Oh, sorry... 161 00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:13,240 - Can I get you a drink? - Coffee, the stronger the better. 162 00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:17,480 - Ah, I only have decaf, I'm trying to quit caffeine. - Why? 163 00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:20,000 It's addictive. 164 00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:21,640 Water's fine, darling. 165 00:08:23,360 --> 00:08:25,320 - Is that your boy? - Mmm. 166 00:08:25,320 --> 00:08:28,200 - Looks a bit like Mick? - Oh, Jagger? 167 00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:32,080 Yeah, he's pretty rock 'n' roll, my Errol. 168 00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:34,680 He's in a band. Do you have any children? 169 00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:36,120 A daughter. She's a singer. 170 00:08:36,120 --> 00:08:38,120 Oh, I wish I had a daughter. 171 00:08:38,120 --> 00:08:41,320 Don't get me wrong, I love my Errol, but it would be nice 172 00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:45,000 to have someone to swap clothes with and talk about boys. 173 00:08:46,440 --> 00:08:48,080 He might be into that. 174 00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:53,720 Can I just say, you are an inspiration... 175 00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:56,080 I don't want to be your sponsor. 176 00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:57,840 - What? - I know how this goes. 177 00:08:57,840 --> 00:09:00,440 I used to be you, young and addicted to recovery. 178 00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:03,760 You think I'll be your new best friend, get our nails done together. 179 00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:05,760 Look, I'm very flattered, 180 00:09:05,760 --> 00:09:08,120 but I just don't have the energy for all that neediness. 181 00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:11,160 I won't be needy, I swear. I swear I won't be. 182 00:09:11,160 --> 00:09:15,560 - You're being needy right now. - Yeah, well, how about this, then? Huh? 183 00:09:16,880 --> 00:09:18,320 Rock 'n' roll. 184 00:09:20,880 --> 00:09:22,280 You're adorable. 185 00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:26,280 We're probably going to need the safe word 186 00:09:26,280 --> 00:09:28,320 before we try that again. 187 00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:29,600 I'm pregnant. 188 00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:33,040 That is an excellent safe word. 189 00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:35,640 No, I'm serious. I'm pregnant. 190 00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:37,280 What, from just now? 191 00:09:37,280 --> 00:09:39,560 No, from Casper. 192 00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:44,960 Oh, OK. 193 00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:51,240 I'll raise it like my own, I swear. 194 00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:55,640 Andy, we're not back together. This was just meaningless sex. 195 00:09:55,640 --> 00:10:00,120 Yeah, I know, that's my favourite kind of sex. 196 00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:03,840 Are you about to cry? 197 00:10:03,840 --> 00:10:06,000 Why do you always have to be so wounded? 198 00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:07,520 You're like a walking Adele song. 199 00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:09,200 DOORBELL RINGS 200 00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:12,440 - Shit, that's probably my dad. - What's he doing here? 201 00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:15,960 I told him if I went missing to come looking at your place, in case you kidnapped me. 202 00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:18,640 - You thought I'd kidnap you? Why would you say that? - You texted - 203 00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:20,440 "If I can't have you, I'll kidnap you." 204 00:10:20,440 --> 00:10:23,920 - I was joking! I put a smiley face on it. - You have to answer it! Go now! 205 00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:33,440 She rejected me! 206 00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:38,080 She said I was needy. Me? 207 00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:41,240 If a baby is the most needy and a dead person the least, what would I be? 208 00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:43,920 I don't know, a dead baby. Look, you have to go, Gwen's here. 209 00:10:43,920 --> 00:10:46,640 - You didn't waste any time. - What can I say? Casper's out, I'm in. 210 00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:47,800 Everything's perfect. 211 00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:48,840 DOORBELL RINGS 212 00:10:48,840 --> 00:10:50,040 Shit, that's Gwen's dad. 213 00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:52,800 - Tell him I'm away and you're looking after my cat. - What cat? 214 00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:55,880 Chairman Meow, do I have to think of everything?! 215 00:10:55,880 --> 00:10:58,760 - Hi, Sam. - Hi...Shelly. 216 00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:01,880 Shell? What are you doing here? 217 00:11:01,880 --> 00:11:05,600 My kids' birthday gig got cancelled, lice outbreak. 218 00:11:05,600 --> 00:11:07,000 What are you two up to? 219 00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:11,160 Oh, Andy was just lending me a DVD, second series of Breaking Bad. 220 00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:15,440 - That's in the bedroom. I'll get it. - No! I farted in there 221 00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:18,360 and it still stinks. 222 00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:24,200 - It's your dad, he's doing a sweep of the flat. - Shit! 223 00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:27,400 Your haircut's not that bad. 224 00:11:28,440 --> 00:11:30,960 Gwen, look... When can I see you again? 225 00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:33,640 I mean, for meaningless sex, or whatever? 226 00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:36,000 I don't know, Andy, I'll call you. 227 00:11:37,120 --> 00:11:39,240 PHONE RINGS 228 00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:41,080 Master juggler speaking. 229 00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:42,840 'We've only been here an hour' 230 00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:44,880 and they've made us watch a cow give birth. 231 00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:46,960 If that's what it's like, I owe Mum an apology. 232 00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:48,880 No wonder she's always in a bad mood. 233 00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:51,440 'And now Murray Thomas is asking if I'll be his best friend.' 234 00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:52,880 How do I turn him down nicely? 235 00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:57,120 - Andy?! - I know what you're thinking. - That I should cut your balls off and flush them down the toilet? 236 00:11:57,120 --> 00:11:59,920 - She's a sweet girl, Andy. If you don't tell her, I will. - No! 237 00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:01,960 Hello? 238 00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:05,960 - Whose is this? - It's... 239 00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:10,760 It's mine, my back was killing and so I whipped that baby off. 240 00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:14,040 Boobs, huh? More trouble than they're worth, am I right? 241 00:12:14,040 --> 00:12:18,240 - My boobs are killing me right now. - I better be off. 242 00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:21,360 - Don't you want your bra back? - Oh, God, I'm always leaving those. 243 00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:23,440 - Thank you. - Tell her. 244 00:12:24,560 --> 00:12:26,120 Your sister's a bit weird. 245 00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:34,480 Films are a lot like life, really, aren't they? 246 00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:38,560 There's a beginning, a middle and then an end. 247 00:12:40,280 --> 00:12:43,960 This, Toy Story, Die Hard, 248 00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:47,200 the first three, not the last two, they were shit. 249 00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:51,480 Everything ends eventually, even if the sex is really, really good. 250 00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:55,680 Sex, in Toy Story? 251 00:12:55,680 --> 00:12:57,080 PHONE RINGS 252 00:13:00,440 --> 00:13:03,800 - Hello? - 'Have you ever touched a pig, Andy?' 253 00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:07,040 They made us catch pigs. 254 00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:09,480 'Their skin, it's so human. 255 00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:12,200 'Fleshy. Pink. The trotters...' 256 00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:14,680 like tiny deformed hands. 257 00:13:14,680 --> 00:13:16,880 'One of them snorfed on me. I think I have swine flu.' 258 00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:19,240 - What number are you calling from? - 'They took my phone,' 259 00:13:19,240 --> 00:13:20,680 I'm in the farm manager's office. 260 00:13:20,680 --> 00:13:23,280 I couldn't sleep. Murray Thomas was having night terrors. 261 00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:25,680 'Please, I swear - if you pick me up,' 262 00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:27,960 I will iron your clothes for a year, 263 00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:31,520 - 'even the underwear, whatever it takes.' - Will you break up with Shelly for me? 264 00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:32,840 DOG BARKS 265 00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:34,000 Shit. 266 00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:35,680 Coward! 267 00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:41,040 Hello, Sam. I wanted to say congrats on Suzy being your new sponsor. 268 00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:42,920 I can see the appeal. 269 00:13:42,920 --> 00:13:46,160 She is very cool and her vagina's a shrine to rock 'n' roll, 270 00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:48,400 so...no hard feelings. 271 00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:53,240 Is it true? 272 00:13:53,240 --> 00:13:55,520 About me and Janis? Yeah, it was just the one night. 273 00:13:55,520 --> 00:13:57,080 No, about you being my sponsor? 274 00:13:57,080 --> 00:13:59,600 - If I say yes, do you swear you won't hug me? - I swear. 275 00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:01,280 Yes. 276 00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:03,760 See, not a hug. 277 00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:05,680 PHONE RINGS 278 00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:13,760 Morning, sunshine. 279 00:14:13,760 --> 00:14:17,240 You really should lock your windows, you never know who might crawl in. 280 00:14:17,240 --> 00:14:20,440 - Where's...? - Your little lady friend? She's in the shower. 281 00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:23,280 Sorry if my hands are cold. 282 00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:25,240 Why are you...? Ugh! 283 00:14:26,360 --> 00:14:29,560 Gwen told me about your little rekindling. 284 00:14:29,560 --> 00:14:32,240 Little? She said it was average plus. 285 00:14:32,240 --> 00:14:35,760 See, my little Gwenny, she tells me everything. 286 00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:38,400 Looks like you forgot to tell her something, though. 287 00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:40,520 She's just a friend! 288 00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:42,120 In crotchless panties? 289 00:14:42,120 --> 00:14:43,600 Those are for ventilation. 290 00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:45,400 Ow! 291 00:14:48,040 --> 00:14:50,920 I used to be like you, sticking my dick in every hole. 292 00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:54,160 Enough booze, I would have put it in a Hoover. Problem is, 293 00:14:54,160 --> 00:14:56,520 it doesn't have the answers and it's reckless. 294 00:14:56,520 --> 00:14:59,520 My dick's not the one that got knocked up by Casper, the Emo Ghost. 295 00:14:59,520 --> 00:15:03,760 - Oh! - Looks like she doesn't tell you everything. - I don't believe you. 296 00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:07,040 If I'm lying, I'll let you come back and finish the job off. 297 00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:08,840 I'll even let you have my Hoover. 298 00:15:12,280 --> 00:15:16,000 I'd go and see a doctor if I was you. I think I felt a lump. 299 00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:22,520 I'm so late. I'm supposed to be singing at this lesbian wedding in an hour. 300 00:15:22,520 --> 00:15:25,360 It's freezing. Why's the window open? 301 00:15:27,040 --> 00:15:29,720 Are you all right? You look pale. 302 00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:31,600 I think I felt a lump. 303 00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:33,200 DOORBELL RINGS 304 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:37,080 Sam, I'm getting a little bit tired of all these surprise visits. 305 00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:38,520 Sorry, I know I'm early. 306 00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:41,720 I was going to wait in my car, but I had a grande macchiato 307 00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:44,320 and I'm bursting. Can I please use your loo? 308 00:15:44,320 --> 00:15:47,280 Oh, God, you forgot about our meeting, didn't you? 309 00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:50,760 - No, toilet is right there. - Oh, God. Thank you. Thank you. 310 00:15:50,760 --> 00:15:54,240 Let's get you to this lesbian wedding. Who's on the phone? 311 00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:56,280 It's your nephew. He seems really upset. 312 00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:58,520 He said he had something really important to tell me. 313 00:15:58,520 --> 00:16:01,560 Andy, I need to get my hair clip from the bathroom. 314 00:16:01,560 --> 00:16:04,280 - No, you don't. Your hair looks amazing down. - That's sweet, 315 00:16:04,280 --> 00:16:05,520 but I really should get it. 316 00:16:05,520 --> 00:16:07,120 TOILET FLUSHES 317 00:16:07,120 --> 00:16:08,520 Who's in there? 318 00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:10,960 - It's erm... - Hairdressers again. 319 00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:13,840 No, custody case. The full waterworks. 320 00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:18,920 - Aw, poor thing. OK, well, give her a hug from me. - Yeah, I will. 321 00:16:18,920 --> 00:16:20,840 Ah... 322 00:16:20,840 --> 00:16:24,040 That's better. Who were you talking to? 323 00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:27,440 Myself. 324 00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:30,120 I thought I heard a woman's voice. 325 00:16:30,120 --> 00:16:35,680 Yes, I am very in touch with my feminine side. 326 00:16:35,680 --> 00:16:38,160 That explains the hair clip. 327 00:16:38,160 --> 00:16:41,400 Do you mind if I borrow it, I left mine at home? 328 00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:43,320 No, sure, knock yourself out. 329 00:16:45,680 --> 00:16:48,000 I think you're going to love this. 330 00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:51,240 Oh, The Adicts, sounds...lovely. 331 00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:54,120 I'm not sure it's quite right for the children though. 332 00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:56,240 You're kidding, the kids are going to love this. 333 00:16:56,240 --> 00:16:59,320 I was getting stoned listening to this when I was 13. 334 00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:02,040 - You started smoking pot when you were 13? - No, 11. 335 00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:05,280 Do you want to get mashed up? It'll make this music sound even better. 336 00:17:05,280 --> 00:17:06,960 Oh, erm... 337 00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:08,680 I really, er... No. 338 00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:11,360 Thank you. 339 00:17:11,360 --> 00:17:14,880 - I've made you feel uncomfortable, haven't I? - No, I'm comfortable. 340 00:17:14,880 --> 00:17:17,240 This sofa's very soft 341 00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:20,000 and I've got my rape whistle with me. 342 00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:21,960 I'm kidding. 343 00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:24,200 Forget it, it's fine. 344 00:17:25,680 --> 00:17:29,040 I've done it again. I'm always doing this. 345 00:17:29,040 --> 00:17:31,200 Things are going well, I'm being interesting... 346 00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:32,640 I was being interesting, right? 347 00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:35,160 Very, it was like a Ted Talk. 348 00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:38,840 - Then we go and ruin it all. - No. 349 00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:43,480 Look, if you want to hit up your bong, 350 00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:45,000 you go for it. 351 00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:46,640 I might even have a puff. 352 00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:49,760 "Zorro Is Back" by Oliver Onions 353 00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:51,960 # Here's to being free 354 00:17:53,040 --> 00:17:55,160 # Here's to you and me 355 00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:59,240 # Here's to being free 356 00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:02,160 # La, la, la, la, la, la Zorro's back 357 00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:14,240 # It's fun to be 358 00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:16,000 # It's fantasy 359 00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:17,800 # He's so glad 360 00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:22,800 - # To know the world as Zorro - Zor-ro... # 361 00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:29,800 So, have you really got a rape whistle? 362 00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:31,200 Yeah. 363 00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:35,080 I mean, don't take it personally. I bring it to my knitting circle. 364 00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:38,120 I've heard them bitches be crazy. 365 00:18:41,240 --> 00:18:45,520 You know, the class did an essay on three people they admired. 366 00:18:47,280 --> 00:18:51,320 Errol picked Alexander Fleming for penicillin, 367 00:18:51,320 --> 00:18:54,800 Edward Jenner for the smallpox vaccine 368 00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:57,000 and you. 369 00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:58,520 - Me? - Uh-huh. 370 00:18:58,520 --> 00:19:00,240 What did I do? 371 00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:02,840 You're a good person. 372 00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:06,680 You're a good teacher. 373 00:19:10,880 --> 00:19:14,080 PHONE RINGS 374 00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:15,480 It's Errol. 375 00:19:17,080 --> 00:19:19,280 OK. This better be a real emergency. 376 00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:22,120 I'm talking broken leg or alien abduction minimum. 377 00:19:22,120 --> 00:19:24,200 Do you know what a cloaca is? 378 00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:27,240 'It's the hole chickens poop and lay eggs out of.' 379 00:19:27,240 --> 00:19:31,320 They use it for everything. Everything. Even, coitus. 380 00:19:31,320 --> 00:19:33,040 - Coitus? - It's another word for... 381 00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:35,880 I know what coitus is. I thought you had your phone confiscated. 382 00:19:35,880 --> 00:19:38,400 Murray Thomas stole it back for me. We're best friends now. 383 00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:41,600 - I thought you hated that guy? - He's pretty hilarious once you get to know him. 384 00:19:41,600 --> 00:19:43,480 He mooned a goat earlier and it chased him. 385 00:19:43,480 --> 00:19:45,400 Plus, he offered to buy me a subscription 386 00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:47,160 to New Scientist magazine. 387 00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:50,520 - That's worth £35. - You cheap slut. 388 00:19:50,520 --> 00:19:52,800 Yeah, so, I don't need you to pick me up any more. 389 00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:54,280 'Perfect. Then you go to bed,' 390 00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:56,480 cos I've got to go and make sweet coitus 391 00:19:56,480 --> 00:19:59,440 and, if I'm lucky, she'll let me play with her cloaca. 392 00:20:20,040 --> 00:20:23,520 # Melodie, girl, look what you did 393 00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:27,400 # You're on the teaching staff And you're great with kids 394 00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:30,800 # You're caring and you're sensitive 395 00:20:30,800 --> 00:20:35,240 # But you just don't turn me on like Shelly 396 00:20:35,240 --> 00:20:38,400 # Shelly, girl, you're irresistible 397 00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:42,760 # You're talented and you rock my world 398 00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:46,480 # You're just like me except you are a girl 399 00:20:46,480 --> 00:20:51,040 # But you've got no self-esteem Like Gwen does 400 00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:54,560 # Gwen, Gwen, you're in my head 401 00:20:54,560 --> 00:20:57,960 # I remember every word you said 402 00:20:57,960 --> 00:21:02,200 # And the time you chained me to my bed 403 00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:06,200 # I just can't choose between 404 00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:10,000 # I don't know how I'll carry on 405 00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:13,640 # You're all perfect except for one thing wrong 406 00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:17,880 # If I could only roll you in to one 407 00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:22,240 # I guess I'll have to fuck you all 408 00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:25,720 # I love you each despite your flaws 409 00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:29,320 # I'll be the man you each adore 410 00:21:29,320 --> 00:21:33,200 # It's the only way it can work for sure 411 00:21:33,200 --> 00:21:40,960 # There's enough of me to spread round and round and round. # 412 00:21:54,080 --> 00:21:55,680 That's really good. 413 00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:59,080 It's my ex. I'm going to use it as an ashtray. 414 00:21:59,080 --> 00:22:02,080 That way I can smash every fag end into his face. 415 00:22:02,080 --> 00:22:03,320 Cool. 416 00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:06,520 I remember after I got separated, I went through the wedding album 417 00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:09,160 and cut Ben's crotch out of every photo. 418 00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:12,120 They're all in an envelope now. Hundreds of tiny crotches. 419 00:22:12,120 --> 00:22:13,480 It was oddly soothing. 420 00:22:13,480 --> 00:22:15,880 Oh, God, I wish I was your age again. 421 00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:19,080 35? Why? My boobs are starting to drop. 422 00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:21,240 I don't care about boobs dropping. 423 00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:23,880 - I want to be your age so I can relapse again. - Huh? 424 00:22:23,880 --> 00:22:25,680 You're young in drug years. 425 00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:27,960 You can relapse at least three more times. 426 00:22:27,960 --> 00:22:30,680 Some of my best highs were after I fell off the wagon. 427 00:22:30,680 --> 00:22:32,960 I got pregnant during a relapse. 428 00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:36,120 You've got some great times ahead of you. 429 00:22:36,120 --> 00:22:39,840 You know, I'm really glad Agnes talked me into being your sponsor. 430 00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:42,920 - She did? - Said there was something special about you. 431 00:22:42,920 --> 00:22:44,920 I'm beginning to see that now. 432 00:22:46,880 --> 00:22:49,520 DOORBELL RINGS 433 00:22:49,520 --> 00:22:50,840 TELEPHONE PINGS 434 00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:55,800 Shit! 435 00:22:55,800 --> 00:22:59,040 - It's my landlord, I'm not allowed girls over. - What? Why? 436 00:22:59,040 --> 00:23:02,160 He's in love with me. It's a weird jealousy thing. Quick, come with me! 437 00:23:04,720 --> 00:23:08,280 - What's that banging? - It's the wind. Global warming. 438 00:23:09,680 --> 00:23:11,240 Hide in the bathroom? 439 00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:16,680 Did you tell Dad I was knocked up? 440 00:23:16,680 --> 00:23:19,240 Me? Pffff, maybe, yeah. 441 00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:21,800 - Andy! - I had no choice. He literally had me by the balls. 442 00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:23,120 DOORBELL RINGS 443 00:23:23,120 --> 00:23:24,720 Are you going to get that? 444 00:23:24,720 --> 00:23:27,760 - It's probably just my sister. - You can't leave her out there, can you? 445 00:23:29,040 --> 00:23:31,720 All right. I'll get rid of her. Don't move. 446 00:23:33,520 --> 00:23:35,320 Surprise delivery for Mr King! 447 00:23:36,640 --> 00:23:39,320 - Come over here and open it. - I'm sorry, Shell, I can't right now. 448 00:23:39,320 --> 00:23:41,080 I think I'm coming down with something. 449 00:23:41,080 --> 00:23:43,680 - We should get you to bed then. - No! I don't want to get you sick. 450 00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:49,120 I think it's swine flu. So, er, you should probably go. 451 00:23:49,120 --> 00:23:51,200 DOORBELL RINGS 452 00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:54,720 You going to get that? 453 00:23:54,720 --> 00:23:57,680 She's insane! I know why Joplin and Hendrix OD'd now. 454 00:23:57,680 --> 00:24:00,480 It was from hanging out with her! You have to help me get rid of her. 455 00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:02,200 - Who? - My sponsor. She's parking the car. 456 00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:04,800 I told her you were a musician and she insisted on meeting you. 457 00:24:04,800 --> 00:24:09,160 - You better get your will ready because you're going to be dead in an hour. - Hi, Sam. - Oh, hi, Shelly. 458 00:24:09,160 --> 00:24:12,240 Ah! There's nothing like the smell of a musician's apartment. 459 00:24:12,240 --> 00:24:14,960 Oh, you must be the rock star. And you must be one of his groupies. 460 00:24:14,960 --> 00:24:16,880 I'm his girlfriend actually. And you are? 461 00:24:16,880 --> 00:24:21,080 I'm Suzy, Sam's sponsor. Oops! Was that meant to be a secret? 462 00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:23,560 - Yeah. - Oh, well. So much for being anonymous. 463 00:24:23,560 --> 00:24:25,120 WHAT is going on? 464 00:24:25,120 --> 00:24:28,080 Uhh, Gwen? What are you doing here? 465 00:24:28,080 --> 00:24:30,920 Shit, you're "second toothbrush". 466 00:24:30,920 --> 00:24:33,040 Is it safe to come out now? 467 00:24:33,040 --> 00:24:34,320 Jesus Christ! 468 00:24:34,320 --> 00:24:36,520 Oh, hi...everyone. 469 00:24:36,520 --> 00:24:38,880 - I can explain this. - You're cheating on me? 470 00:24:38,880 --> 00:24:42,080 - Cheating is such an ugly word. - We didn't sleep together. 471 00:24:42,080 --> 00:24:44,200 But we did. But I'm his ex... 472 00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:46,400 You musicians are all the same. 473 00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:48,600 Can I just reiterate, we didn't sleep together? 474 00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:50,560 That bra wasn't yours, was it? 475 00:24:50,560 --> 00:24:53,520 No, that was mine. Can I have it back? 476 00:24:53,520 --> 00:24:56,520 You covered for your brother's infidelity? That is so co-dependent. 477 00:24:56,520 --> 00:24:59,840 - Is that my hairclip? - Well, you're the worst sponsor ever. 478 00:24:59,840 --> 00:25:01,280 We didn't sleep together. 479 00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:03,160 Who encourages a drug addict to relapse? 480 00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:06,280 Ladies, ladies, please, calm down. 481 00:25:06,280 --> 00:25:08,480 Shut up! 482 00:25:08,480 --> 00:25:11,600 - Can I have my hair clip back? - Yeah, I'm so, so sorry. 483 00:25:12,680 --> 00:25:14,200 You're such a prick, Andy. 484 00:25:17,880 --> 00:25:20,040 - I'll see you in group? - Yeah. 485 00:25:21,520 --> 00:25:25,000 Maybe we should forget about the music project for now. 486 00:25:25,000 --> 00:25:26,520 Melodie, please, wait, don't go. 487 00:25:26,520 --> 00:25:28,800 SHE BLOWS RAPE ALARM 488 00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:32,760 I like her. 489 00:25:32,760 --> 00:25:34,640 Can I have my bra back now, please? 490 00:25:40,160 --> 00:25:41,600 Thank you. 491 00:25:41,600 --> 00:25:42,680 DOOR CLOSES 492 00:25:44,280 --> 00:25:46,160 What? It was my size. 493 00:25:50,720 --> 00:25:53,960 Oh! I'm never answering my door again. 494 00:25:53,960 --> 00:25:55,800 That's all you learned from today? 495 00:25:55,800 --> 00:25:58,000 How about - you can't have your cake and eat it too? 496 00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:01,320 But if I bake the cake, why can't I have a slice? 497 00:26:01,320 --> 00:26:03,760 Yeah, but you tried to eat three cakes. 498 00:26:03,760 --> 00:26:06,760 - I think I've got a cake problem. - OK, I've got to go. 499 00:26:06,760 --> 00:26:10,280 I have to get on my knees and hope poor, sweet Agnes will take me back. 500 00:26:10,280 --> 00:26:13,560 - You all right? - Yeah. It's not like I'm going to kill myself. 501 00:26:27,720 --> 00:26:29,600 PHONE BUZZES 502 00:26:31,880 --> 00:26:33,520 Stop calling me. 503 00:26:33,520 --> 00:26:35,880 I don't want to hear any more rubbish stories 504 00:26:35,880 --> 00:26:38,560 about you on a farm in the middle of nowhere. 505 00:26:38,560 --> 00:26:40,800 Good, because I'm at East Croydon Station. 506 00:26:43,840 --> 00:26:45,520 I lied. 507 00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:48,640 I knew it, you don't think I'm average plus. 508 00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:50,280 No... 509 00:26:50,280 --> 00:26:51,840 I'm not pregnant. 510 00:26:51,840 --> 00:26:54,840 I just said that because I got a kick out of making you feel bad. 511 00:26:54,840 --> 00:26:57,760 I'm not sorry though. What you did was disgusting and pathetic. 512 00:26:57,760 --> 00:27:00,200 I know. I'm going to work on it. 513 00:27:00,200 --> 00:27:03,520 OK, well...anyway, I'm glad I got that off my chest. 514 00:27:04,840 --> 00:27:06,280 Stop staring at my chest. 515 00:27:07,520 --> 00:27:10,800 Casper called. He apologised for everything. 516 00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:12,600 We're getting back together. 517 00:27:12,600 --> 00:27:13,800 Great. 518 00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:16,040 And there's one more thing. 519 00:27:16,040 --> 00:27:18,400 OK. Just don't hit me too hard. 520 00:27:18,400 --> 00:27:19,840 Geronimo. 521 00:27:21,120 --> 00:27:23,360 - What? - That's the safe word. 522 00:27:29,480 --> 00:27:33,600 Seriously, you're going to pass up on goodbye-forever sex? 523 00:27:34,760 --> 00:27:38,880 It's just...there's someone waiting for me. 524 00:27:38,880 --> 00:27:40,960 Who's more important than sex? 525 00:27:45,960 --> 00:27:48,600 - You're in such deep shit. - Don't worry. 526 00:27:48,600 --> 00:27:51,360 The class went on a day hike while I stayed in bed faking sick. 527 00:27:51,360 --> 00:27:54,320 - They won't know I'm gone for ages. - Nicely done. What happened? 528 00:27:54,320 --> 00:27:57,320 I thought you were having a great old time with your new best friend. 529 00:27:57,320 --> 00:27:58,720 Murray Thomas dumped me. 530 00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:00,760 He said New Scientist was too expensive 531 00:28:00,760 --> 00:28:04,640 and then Colin Peters agreed to be his best friend for a Kinder Egg. 532 00:28:04,640 --> 00:28:06,520 Relationships suck. 533 00:28:06,520 --> 00:28:09,840 We seem to have a few hours to kill before you're a wanted man. 534 00:28:09,840 --> 00:28:11,720 What do you say we swing by Legoland? 535 00:28:11,720 --> 00:28:13,080 Yeah, I'd like that. 536 00:28:13,080 --> 00:28:17,240 Oh, by the way, your phone bum-dialled me while I was waiting. 537 00:28:17,240 --> 00:28:20,040 - Really? What did you hear? - Nothing. 538 00:28:20,040 --> 00:28:21,560 Geronimo! 42792

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