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1
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Hey, pretty girl, let's go out together
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Go out together
3
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The first two weeks we'll rock
4
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We'll laugh and frolic
5
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You'll bake me a pie You're so sweet I could die
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Hey, pretty girl, pretty girl
7
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You're going to break my heart I can tell
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I know how this ends
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Go to hell, pretty girl Go to hell, hell, hell!
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Hell, I mean, I'm still ironing out the lyrics but what do you think?
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HE SIGHS
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- I don't want to go on this school trip.
- What are you talking about?
13
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A few days out on a farm sounds like fun.
14
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Last year they went to Legoland.
15
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Why can't we go to Legoland? Or Oslo, the cleanest city in Europe.
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Clean? You're going to a farm. There'll be loads of fresh air.
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- I have hay fever.
- All right then. Fresh milk...
- Lactose.
18
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You're lactose intolerant. Erm, fresh eggs, then.
19
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I'm keeping an eye on my cholesterol and there'll be ticks everywhere.
20
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I could get Lyme disease!
21
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It's better than Lemon disease.
22
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I bet Murray Thomas is going to sit next to me on the bus.
23
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He always blows his nose into the same handkerchief.
24
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- You've to get me out of this, you're my favourite uncle.
- Nice try.
25
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Look, once I got invited to a party and I turned it down.
26
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I said, "No I'm not going," and I stayed in and played X-box instead.
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- And do you know what? I found out later that that party turned into an orgy.
- What's that?
28
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It doesn't matter. Point is, this trip will be good for you.
29
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But if you need someone to talk to, you can always phone me.
30
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And you'll answer, no matter what?
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No matter what.
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Unless you reverse the charges and then, no way.
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This programme contains some strong language.
34
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Wow, Kelly Talbot 'friended' me. I had my first spliff with her.
35
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My God, her baby is so ugly
36
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and she looks really old.
37
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I love Facebook.
38
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I don't look this old, do I? PHONE PINGS
39
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- Who's that?
- Oh, it's Shelly.
40
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- She keeps texting me.
- Oh, is it getting serious?
41
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- Are you going to have ugly babies together?
- No!
42
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She's just a fling while me and Gwen are on a break.
43
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I think she wants a lot more.
44
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She left her toothbrush in my bathroom.
45
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- That's the uranium of grooming appliances.
- Shit, you have to be honest with her.
46
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You can't just string her along. PHONE RINGS
47
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- What were you saying about stringing people along?
- That's my sponsor.
48
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She's very sweet, she's just not very cool.
49
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But there's this woman in my group, Suzy.
50
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She was a wild child in the '60s.
51
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She slept with Hendrix, Jagger, all of Zeppelin.
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I want HER to be my sponsor.
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She'll be like my fucked up fairy godmother.
54
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Oh, by the way. I gave your number to Roly's teacher, Melodie.
55
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- She wanted it for some music day project.
- Cool.
56
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Don't even think about sleeping with her.
57
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- Oh, even if I say you look younger than Kelly Talbot?
- Not even then.
58
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Fine, I'm a rubbish liar, anyway.
59
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Ow!
60
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- This is a lovely idea, Sam.
- Oh, I'm glad you think so, Agnes.
61
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I love a bit of art therapy.
62
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I was thinking that you must be getting tired of me.
63
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No, not at all.
64
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You know, I never had children,
65
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but I've come to see you as a daughter.
66
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Daughters move out though, don't they,
67
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when they go to university or run off with their maths teacher?
68
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Are you breaking up with me?
69
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I just think we should see other people for a bit.
70
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Yeah, it might be good for us.
71
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PHONE BUZZES
72
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- Yeah?
- 'I did it!'
73
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- I broke up with my sponsor. Did you talk to Shelly?
- Yeah...
74
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- All done.
- I'm so proud of us, we're like real grown-ups,
75
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taking life by the horns. Horning it up.
76
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Andy?
77
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Who's that? What's all done?
78
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"All done" as in pizza delivery order.
79
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I've just ordered a pizza.
80
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A breakfast pizza with sausage and mushrooms and beans on it,
81
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stuff like that. Should probably go and pick it up.
82
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Don't they deliver?
83
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Yeah, but I'm trying to save the planet from...
84
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- all the scooter fumes.
- Aren't you driving?
85
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Yes, but I'm driving very slowly.
86
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PHONE RINGS
87
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- I really can't talk now!
- Oh, sorry.
88
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- Oh! Melodie?
- Hi, Andy.
89
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- I'm not interrupting an important recording session, am I?
- No, no.
90
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I was just stepping out. Drummers, eh?
91
00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:25,760
Aren't you on that school trip with Errol?
92
00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:28,280
God, no, I get a couple of days to spoil myself.
93
00:04:28,280 --> 00:04:30,440
I hear you, porn and ice-cream.
94
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SHE CHUCKLES
95
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So, I wanted to ask about a music project,
96
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'do you have time to meet?'
97
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Sure, how about right now?
98
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CHILDREN CHATTER
99
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HE SNEEZES
100
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OK, so you want me to produce a song for your class?
101
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I can do that. I'd be like the Rick Rubin to their Beastie Boys.
102
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- How much does it pay?
- Oh, uh, there's no money involved.
103
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Just good will and biscuits, Mr Rubin.
104
00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:04,680
Oh, I love giving back.
105
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Not the biscuits, I'm keeping those.
106
00:05:07,120 --> 00:05:09,520
So, what sort of sound are you looking for?
107
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I don't know.
108
00:05:10,920 --> 00:05:13,400
- Erm, The Beatles?
- Ugh, The Beatles.
109
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They're a bit like the Labrador puppies of pop music, aren't they?
110
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You should introduce them to something different,
111
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something that'll blow their tiny little minds.
112
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You should listen to some of the music in my record collection.
113
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I don't have a record player.
114
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You can listen round mine.
115
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- I mean, it's not like a date or anything.
- Yeah, that would be great.
116
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- How's about tomorrow?
- Perfect. It's a date.
117
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TELEPHONE PINGS
118
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Holy shit!
119
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- You've gotta go.
- What?
- You gotta go.
120
00:05:46,440 --> 00:05:48,760
Sam's on her way over, she's had a really bad haircut,
121
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needs a shoulder to cry on.
122
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- Said she looked like the Elephant Woman.
- Where's the pizza?
123
00:05:52,680 --> 00:05:54,160
DOORBELL RINGS
124
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Right, you need to climb out.
125
00:05:57,640 --> 00:06:00,160
Sam'll be devastated if you see her like this.
126
00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:02,440
Please, for me.
127
00:06:09,040 --> 00:06:11,480
Tell her she owes me for this. OK?
128
00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:19,240
Casper dumped me!
129
00:06:19,240 --> 00:06:20,880
I'm so sorry to disturb you.
130
00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:24,360
I would have gone to my dad's but you know how overprotective he is.
131
00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:26,440
Casper said he needed space.
132
00:06:26,440 --> 00:06:29,120
- What does that mean?
- It probably means he's cheating on you.
133
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SHE CRIES
134
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Wait! You know this does not mean we're getting back together, right?
135
00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:41,800
Yeah. No, absolutely. No, we're not.
136
00:06:43,160 --> 00:06:44,560
I need a piss.
137
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PHONE RINGS
138
00:06:54,040 --> 00:06:56,520
- What?
- You'll never guess what I just found out.
139
00:06:56,520 --> 00:06:58,000
Babies aren't made in clouds?
140
00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:01,200
They only have communal showers where we're going. Like prison!
141
00:07:01,200 --> 00:07:04,400
- I bet Legoland have proper showers.
- You'll be fine. Don't drop the soap.
142
00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:07,480
Wait! That's not the worst part. Murray Thomas wants to share bunks!
143
00:07:07,480 --> 00:07:11,440
I can't do this, please, if you pick me up, I'll work on some new songs with you.
144
00:07:11,440 --> 00:07:14,880
- No deal, I'm busy. I've just got back with Gwen.
- When did you break up with Shelly?
145
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- Uh, soon.
- You can't have two girlfriends at the same time!
146
00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:21,160
Are you the girlfriend police? I can have as many as I want.
147
00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:23,120
If you juggle too many balls, you'll drop one.
148
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What do you know about balls dropping?!
149
00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:32,080
Why have you got two toothbrushes? Are you seeing somebody?
150
00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:38,560
No, one of them's for my top set and the other one's for my bottoms.
151
00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:39,840
Is that weird?
152
00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:46,720
Suzy, I've been watching you in meetings.
153
00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:48,760
Oh, it's so creepy.
154
00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:53,920
Suzy, I think you're a cool chick.
155
00:07:53,920 --> 00:07:56,320
Oh, my God, it's so cheesy.
156
00:07:56,320 --> 00:07:59,120
Suzy, you're the shit, I'm the shit, let's shit together?
157
00:07:59,120 --> 00:08:00,720
DOORBELL RINGS
158
00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:05,440
What a fucking mess. It took me 20 minutes to find a parking space.
159
00:08:05,440 --> 00:08:08,520
- I'm so sorry.
- What are you sorry for? It's not your fault, sweetheart.
160
00:08:08,520 --> 00:08:10,120
Oh, sorry...
161
00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:13,240
- Can I get you a drink?
- Coffee, the stronger the better.
162
00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:17,480
- Ah, I only have decaf, I'm trying to quit caffeine.
- Why?
163
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It's addictive.
164
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Water's fine, darling.
165
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- Is that your boy?
- Mmm.
166
00:08:25,320 --> 00:08:28,200
- Looks a bit like Mick?
- Oh, Jagger?
167
00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:32,080
Yeah, he's pretty rock 'n' roll, my Errol.
168
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He's in a band. Do you have any children?
169
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A daughter. She's a singer.
170
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Oh, I wish I had a daughter.
171
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Don't get me wrong, I love my Errol, but it would be nice
172
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to have someone to swap clothes with and talk about boys.
173
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He might be into that.
174
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Can I just say, you are an inspiration...
175
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I don't want to be your sponsor.
176
00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:57,840
- What?
- I know how this goes.
177
00:08:57,840 --> 00:09:00,440
I used to be you, young and addicted to recovery.
178
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You think I'll be your new best friend, get our nails done together.
179
00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:05,760
Look, I'm very flattered,
180
00:09:05,760 --> 00:09:08,120
but I just don't have the energy for all that neediness.
181
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I won't be needy, I swear. I swear I won't be.
182
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- You're being needy right now.
- Yeah, well, how about this, then? Huh?
183
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Rock 'n' roll.
184
00:09:20,880 --> 00:09:22,280
You're adorable.
185
00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:26,280
We're probably going to need the safe word
186
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before we try that again.
187
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I'm pregnant.
188
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That is an excellent safe word.
189
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No, I'm serious. I'm pregnant.
190
00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:37,280
What, from just now?
191
00:09:37,280 --> 00:09:39,560
No, from Casper.
192
00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:44,960
Oh, OK.
193
00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:51,240
I'll raise it like my own, I swear.
194
00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:55,640
Andy, we're not back together. This was just meaningless sex.
195
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Yeah, I know, that's my favourite kind of sex.
196
00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:03,840
Are you about to cry?
197
00:10:03,840 --> 00:10:06,000
Why do you always have to be so wounded?
198
00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:07,520
You're like a walking Adele song.
199
00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:09,200
DOORBELL RINGS
200
00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:12,440
- Shit, that's probably my dad.
- What's he doing here?
201
00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:15,960
I told him if I went missing to come looking at your place, in case you kidnapped me.
202
00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:18,640
- You thought I'd kidnap you? Why would you say that?
- You texted -
203
00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:20,440
"If I can't have you, I'll kidnap you."
204
00:10:20,440 --> 00:10:23,920
- I was joking! I put a smiley face on it.
- You have to answer it! Go now!
205
00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:33,440
She rejected me!
206
00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:38,080
She said I was needy. Me?
207
00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:41,240
If a baby is the most needy and a dead person the least, what would I be?
208
00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:43,920
I don't know, a dead baby. Look, you have to go, Gwen's here.
209
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- You didn't waste any time.
- What can I say? Casper's out, I'm in.
210
00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:47,800
Everything's perfect.
211
00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:48,840
DOORBELL RINGS
212
00:10:48,840 --> 00:10:50,040
Shit, that's Gwen's dad.
213
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- Tell him I'm away and you're looking after my cat.
- What cat?
214
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Chairman Meow, do I have to think of everything?!
215
00:10:55,880 --> 00:10:58,760
- Hi, Sam.
- Hi...Shelly.
216
00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:01,880
Shell? What are you doing here?
217
00:11:01,880 --> 00:11:05,600
My kids' birthday gig got cancelled, lice outbreak.
218
00:11:05,600 --> 00:11:07,000
What are you two up to?
219
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:11,160
Oh, Andy was just lending me a DVD, second series of Breaking Bad.
220
00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:15,440
- That's in the bedroom. I'll get it.
- No! I farted in there
221
00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:18,360
and it still stinks.
222
00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:24,200
- It's your dad, he's doing a sweep of the flat.
- Shit!
223
00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:27,400
Your haircut's not that bad.
224
00:11:28,440 --> 00:11:30,960
Gwen, look... When can I see you again?
225
00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:33,640
I mean, for meaningless sex, or whatever?
226
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I don't know, Andy, I'll call you.
227
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PHONE RINGS
228
00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:41,080
Master juggler speaking.
229
00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:42,840
'We've only been here an hour'
230
00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:44,880
and they've made us watch a cow give birth.
231
00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:46,960
If that's what it's like, I owe Mum an apology.
232
00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:48,880
No wonder she's always in a bad mood.
233
00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:51,440
'And now Murray Thomas is asking if I'll be his best friend.'
234
00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:52,880
How do I turn him down nicely?
235
00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:57,120
- Andy?!
- I know what you're thinking.
- That I should cut your balls off and flush them down the toilet?
236
00:11:57,120 --> 00:11:59,920
- She's a sweet girl, Andy. If you don't tell her, I will.
- No!
237
00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:01,960
Hello?
238
00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:05,960
- Whose is this?
- It's...
239
00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:10,760
It's mine, my back was killing and so I whipped that baby off.
240
00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:14,040
Boobs, huh? More trouble than they're worth, am I right?
241
00:12:14,040 --> 00:12:18,240
- My boobs are killing me right now.
- I better be off.
242
00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:21,360
- Don't you want your bra back?
- Oh, God, I'm always leaving those.
243
00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:23,440
- Thank you.
- Tell her.
244
00:12:24,560 --> 00:12:26,120
Your sister's a bit weird.
245
00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:34,480
Films are a lot like life, really, aren't they?
246
00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:38,560
There's a beginning, a middle and then an end.
247
00:12:40,280 --> 00:12:43,960
This, Toy Story, Die Hard,
248
00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:47,200
the first three, not the last two, they were shit.
249
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:51,480
Everything ends eventually, even if the sex is really, really good.
250
00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:55,680
Sex, in Toy Story?
251
00:12:55,680 --> 00:12:57,080
PHONE RINGS
252
00:13:00,440 --> 00:13:03,800
- Hello?
- 'Have you ever touched a pig, Andy?'
253
00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:07,040
They made us catch pigs.
254
00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:09,480
'Their skin, it's so human.
255
00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:12,200
'Fleshy. Pink. The trotters...'
256
00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:14,680
like tiny deformed hands.
257
00:13:14,680 --> 00:13:16,880
'One of them snorfed on me. I think I have swine flu.'
258
00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:19,240
- What number are you calling from?
- 'They took my phone,'
259
00:13:19,240 --> 00:13:20,680
I'm in the farm manager's office.
260
00:13:20,680 --> 00:13:23,280
I couldn't sleep. Murray Thomas was having night terrors.
261
00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:25,680
'Please, I swear - if you pick me up,'
262
00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:27,960
I will iron your clothes for a year,
263
00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:31,520
- 'even the underwear, whatever it takes.'
- Will you break up with Shelly for me?
264
00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:32,840
DOG BARKS
265
00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:34,000
Shit.
266
00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:35,680
Coward!
267
00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:41,040
Hello, Sam. I wanted to say congrats on Suzy being your new sponsor.
268
00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:42,920
I can see the appeal.
269
00:13:42,920 --> 00:13:46,160
She is very cool and her vagina's a shrine to rock 'n' roll,
270
00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:48,400
so...no hard feelings.
271
00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:53,240
Is it true?
272
00:13:53,240 --> 00:13:55,520
About me and Janis? Yeah, it was just the one night.
273
00:13:55,520 --> 00:13:57,080
No, about you being my sponsor?
274
00:13:57,080 --> 00:13:59,600
- If I say yes, do you swear you won't hug me?
- I swear.
275
00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:01,280
Yes.
276
00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:03,760
See, not a hug.
277
00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:05,680
PHONE RINGS
278
00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:13,760
Morning, sunshine.
279
00:14:13,760 --> 00:14:17,240
You really should lock your windows, you never know who might crawl in.
280
00:14:17,240 --> 00:14:20,440
- Where's...?
- Your little lady friend? She's in the shower.
281
00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:23,280
Sorry if my hands are cold.
282
00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:25,240
Why are you...? Ugh!
283
00:14:26,360 --> 00:14:29,560
Gwen told me about your little rekindling.
284
00:14:29,560 --> 00:14:32,240
Little? She said it was average plus.
285
00:14:32,240 --> 00:14:35,760
See, my little Gwenny, she tells me everything.
286
00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:38,400
Looks like you forgot to tell her something, though.
287
00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:40,520
She's just a friend!
288
00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:42,120
In crotchless panties?
289
00:14:42,120 --> 00:14:43,600
Those are for ventilation.
290
00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:45,400
Ow!
291
00:14:48,040 --> 00:14:50,920
I used to be like you, sticking my dick in every hole.
292
00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:54,160
Enough booze, I would have put it in a Hoover. Problem is,
293
00:14:54,160 --> 00:14:56,520
it doesn't have the answers and it's reckless.
294
00:14:56,520 --> 00:14:59,520
My dick's not the one that got knocked up by Casper, the Emo Ghost.
295
00:14:59,520 --> 00:15:03,760
- Oh!
- Looks like she doesn't tell you everything.
- I don't believe you.
296
00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:07,040
If I'm lying, I'll let you come back and finish the job off.
297
00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:08,840
I'll even let you have my Hoover.
298
00:15:12,280 --> 00:15:16,000
I'd go and see a doctor if I was you. I think I felt a lump.
299
00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:22,520
I'm so late. I'm supposed to be singing at this lesbian wedding in an hour.
300
00:15:22,520 --> 00:15:25,360
It's freezing. Why's the window open?
301
00:15:27,040 --> 00:15:29,720
Are you all right? You look pale.
302
00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:31,600
I think I felt a lump.
303
00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:33,200
DOORBELL RINGS
304
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:37,080
Sam, I'm getting a little bit tired of all these surprise visits.
305
00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:38,520
Sorry, I know I'm early.
306
00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:41,720
I was going to wait in my car, but I had a grande macchiato
307
00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:44,320
and I'm bursting. Can I please use your loo?
308
00:15:44,320 --> 00:15:47,280
Oh, God, you forgot about our meeting, didn't you?
309
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:50,760
- No, toilet is right there.
- Oh, God. Thank you. Thank you.
310
00:15:50,760 --> 00:15:54,240
Let's get you to this lesbian wedding. Who's on the phone?
311
00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:56,280
It's your nephew. He seems really upset.
312
00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:58,520
He said he had something really important to tell me.
313
00:15:58,520 --> 00:16:01,560
Andy, I need to get my hair clip from the bathroom.
314
00:16:01,560 --> 00:16:04,280
- No, you don't. Your hair looks amazing down.
- That's sweet,
315
00:16:04,280 --> 00:16:05,520
but I really should get it.
316
00:16:05,520 --> 00:16:07,120
TOILET FLUSHES
317
00:16:07,120 --> 00:16:08,520
Who's in there?
318
00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:10,960
- It's erm...
- Hairdressers again.
319
00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:13,840
No, custody case. The full waterworks.
320
00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:18,920
- Aw, poor thing. OK, well, give her a hug from me.
- Yeah, I will.
321
00:16:18,920 --> 00:16:20,840
Ah...
322
00:16:20,840 --> 00:16:24,040
That's better. Who were you talking to?
323
00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:27,440
Myself.
324
00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:30,120
I thought I heard a woman's voice.
325
00:16:30,120 --> 00:16:35,680
Yes, I am very in touch with my feminine side.
326
00:16:35,680 --> 00:16:38,160
That explains the hair clip.
327
00:16:38,160 --> 00:16:41,400
Do you mind if I borrow it, I left mine at home?
328
00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:43,320
No, sure, knock yourself out.
329
00:16:45,680 --> 00:16:48,000
I think you're going to love this.
330
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:51,240
Oh, The Adicts, sounds...lovely.
331
00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:54,120
I'm not sure it's quite right for the children though.
332
00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:56,240
You're kidding, the kids are going to love this.
333
00:16:56,240 --> 00:16:59,320
I was getting stoned listening to this when I was 13.
334
00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:02,040
- You started smoking pot when you were 13?
- No, 11.
335
00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:05,280
Do you want to get mashed up? It'll make this music sound even better.
336
00:17:05,280 --> 00:17:06,960
Oh, erm...
337
00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:08,680
I really, er... No.
338
00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:11,360
Thank you.
339
00:17:11,360 --> 00:17:14,880
- I've made you feel uncomfortable, haven't I?
- No, I'm comfortable.
340
00:17:14,880 --> 00:17:17,240
This sofa's very soft
341
00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:20,000
and I've got my rape whistle with me.
342
00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:21,960
I'm kidding.
343
00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:24,200
Forget it, it's fine.
344
00:17:25,680 --> 00:17:29,040
I've done it again. I'm always doing this.
345
00:17:29,040 --> 00:17:31,200
Things are going well, I'm being interesting...
346
00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:32,640
I was being interesting, right?
347
00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:35,160
Very, it was like a Ted Talk.
348
00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:38,840
- Then we go and ruin it all.
- No.
349
00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:43,480
Look, if you want to hit up your bong,
350
00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:45,000
you go for it.
351
00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:46,640
I might even have a puff.
352
00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:49,760
"Zorro Is Back" by Oliver Onions
353
00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:51,960
# Here's to being free
354
00:17:53,040 --> 00:17:55,160
# Here's to you and me
355
00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:59,240
# Here's to being free
356
00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:02,160
# La, la, la, la, la, la Zorro's back
357
00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:14,240
# It's fun to be
358
00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:16,000
# It's fantasy
359
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:17,800
# He's so glad
360
00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:22,800
- # To know the world as Zorro
- Zor-ro... #
361
00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:29,800
So, have you really got a rape whistle?
362
00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:31,200
Yeah.
363
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:35,080
I mean, don't take it personally. I bring it to my knitting circle.
364
00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:38,120
I've heard them bitches be crazy.
365
00:18:41,240 --> 00:18:45,520
You know, the class did an essay on three people they admired.
366
00:18:47,280 --> 00:18:51,320
Errol picked Alexander Fleming for penicillin,
367
00:18:51,320 --> 00:18:54,800
Edward Jenner for the smallpox vaccine
368
00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:57,000
and you.
369
00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:58,520
- Me?
- Uh-huh.
370
00:18:58,520 --> 00:19:00,240
What did I do?
371
00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:02,840
You're a good person.
372
00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:06,680
You're a good teacher.
373
00:19:10,880 --> 00:19:14,080
PHONE RINGS
374
00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:15,480
It's Errol.
375
00:19:17,080 --> 00:19:19,280
OK. This better be a real emergency.
376
00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:22,120
I'm talking broken leg or alien abduction minimum.
377
00:19:22,120 --> 00:19:24,200
Do you know what a cloaca is?
378
00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:27,240
'It's the hole chickens poop and lay eggs out of.'
379
00:19:27,240 --> 00:19:31,320
They use it for everything. Everything. Even, coitus.
380
00:19:31,320 --> 00:19:33,040
- Coitus?
- It's another word for...
381
00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:35,880
I know what coitus is. I thought you had your phone confiscated.
382
00:19:35,880 --> 00:19:38,400
Murray Thomas stole it back for me. We're best friends now.
383
00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:41,600
- I thought you hated that guy?
- He's pretty hilarious once you get to know him.
384
00:19:41,600 --> 00:19:43,480
He mooned a goat earlier and it chased him.
385
00:19:43,480 --> 00:19:45,400
Plus, he offered to buy me a subscription
386
00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:47,160
to New Scientist magazine.
387
00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:50,520
- That's worth £35.
- You cheap slut.
388
00:19:50,520 --> 00:19:52,800
Yeah, so, I don't need you to pick me up any more.
389
00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:54,280
'Perfect. Then you go to bed,'
390
00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:56,480
cos I've got to go and make sweet coitus
391
00:19:56,480 --> 00:19:59,440
and, if I'm lucky, she'll let me play with her cloaca.
392
00:20:20,040 --> 00:20:23,520
# Melodie, girl, look what you did
393
00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:27,400
# You're on the teaching staff And you're great with kids
394
00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:30,800
# You're caring and you're sensitive
395
00:20:30,800 --> 00:20:35,240
# But you just don't turn me on like Shelly
396
00:20:35,240 --> 00:20:38,400
# Shelly, girl, you're irresistible
397
00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:42,760
# You're talented and you rock my world
398
00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:46,480
# You're just like me except you are a girl
399
00:20:46,480 --> 00:20:51,040
# But you've got no self-esteem Like Gwen does
400
00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:54,560
# Gwen, Gwen, you're in my head
401
00:20:54,560 --> 00:20:57,960
# I remember every word you said
402
00:20:57,960 --> 00:21:02,200
# And the time you chained me to my bed
403
00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:06,200
# I just can't choose between
404
00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:10,000
# I don't know how I'll carry on
405
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:13,640
# You're all perfect except for one thing wrong
406
00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:17,880
# If I could only roll you in to one
407
00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:22,240
# I guess I'll have to fuck you all
408
00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:25,720
# I love you each despite your flaws
409
00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:29,320
# I'll be the man you each adore
410
00:21:29,320 --> 00:21:33,200
# It's the only way it can work for sure
411
00:21:33,200 --> 00:21:40,960
# There's enough of me to spread round and round and round. #
412
00:21:54,080 --> 00:21:55,680
That's really good.
413
00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:59,080
It's my ex. I'm going to use it as an ashtray.
414
00:21:59,080 --> 00:22:02,080
That way I can smash every fag end into his face.
415
00:22:02,080 --> 00:22:03,320
Cool.
416
00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:06,520
I remember after I got separated, I went through the wedding album
417
00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:09,160
and cut Ben's crotch out of every photo.
418
00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:12,120
They're all in an envelope now. Hundreds of tiny crotches.
419
00:22:12,120 --> 00:22:13,480
It was oddly soothing.
420
00:22:13,480 --> 00:22:15,880
Oh, God, I wish I was your age again.
421
00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:19,080
35? Why? My boobs are starting to drop.
422
00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:21,240
I don't care about boobs dropping.
423
00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:23,880
- I want to be your age so I can relapse again.
- Huh?
424
00:22:23,880 --> 00:22:25,680
You're young in drug years.
425
00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:27,960
You can relapse at least three more times.
426
00:22:27,960 --> 00:22:30,680
Some of my best highs were after I fell off the wagon.
427
00:22:30,680 --> 00:22:32,960
I got pregnant during a relapse.
428
00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:36,120
You've got some great times ahead of you.
429
00:22:36,120 --> 00:22:39,840
You know, I'm really glad Agnes talked me into being your sponsor.
430
00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:42,920
- She did?
- Said there was something special about you.
431
00:22:42,920 --> 00:22:44,920
I'm beginning to see that now.
432
00:22:46,880 --> 00:22:49,520
DOORBELL RINGS
433
00:22:49,520 --> 00:22:50,840
TELEPHONE PINGS
434
00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:55,800
Shit!
435
00:22:55,800 --> 00:22:59,040
- It's my landlord, I'm not allowed girls over.
- What? Why?
436
00:22:59,040 --> 00:23:02,160
He's in love with me. It's a weird jealousy thing. Quick, come with me!
437
00:23:04,720 --> 00:23:08,280
- What's that banging?
- It's the wind. Global warming.
438
00:23:09,680 --> 00:23:11,240
Hide in the bathroom?
439
00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:16,680
Did you tell Dad I was knocked up?
440
00:23:16,680 --> 00:23:19,240
Me? Pffff, maybe, yeah.
441
00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:21,800
- Andy!
- I had no choice. He literally had me by the balls.
442
00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:23,120
DOORBELL RINGS
443
00:23:23,120 --> 00:23:24,720
Are you going to get that?
444
00:23:24,720 --> 00:23:27,760
- It's probably just my sister.
- You can't leave her out there, can you?
445
00:23:29,040 --> 00:23:31,720
All right. I'll get rid of her. Don't move.
446
00:23:33,520 --> 00:23:35,320
Surprise delivery for Mr King!
447
00:23:36,640 --> 00:23:39,320
- Come over here and open it.
- I'm sorry, Shell, I can't right now.
448
00:23:39,320 --> 00:23:41,080
I think I'm coming down with something.
449
00:23:41,080 --> 00:23:43,680
- We should get you to bed then.
- No! I don't want to get you sick.
450
00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:49,120
I think it's swine flu. So, er, you should probably go.
451
00:23:49,120 --> 00:23:51,200
DOORBELL RINGS
452
00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:54,720
You going to get that?
453
00:23:54,720 --> 00:23:57,680
She's insane! I know why Joplin and Hendrix OD'd now.
454
00:23:57,680 --> 00:24:00,480
It was from hanging out with her! You have to help me get rid of her.
455
00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:02,200
- Who?
- My sponsor. She's parking the car.
456
00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:04,800
I told her you were a musician and she insisted on meeting you.
457
00:24:04,800 --> 00:24:09,160
- You better get your will ready because you're going to be dead in an hour.
- Hi, Sam.
- Oh, hi, Shelly.
458
00:24:09,160 --> 00:24:12,240
Ah! There's nothing like the smell of a musician's apartment.
459
00:24:12,240 --> 00:24:14,960
Oh, you must be the rock star. And you must be one of his groupies.
460
00:24:14,960 --> 00:24:16,880
I'm his girlfriend actually. And you are?
461
00:24:16,880 --> 00:24:21,080
I'm Suzy, Sam's sponsor. Oops! Was that meant to be a secret?
462
00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:23,560
- Yeah.
- Oh, well. So much for being anonymous.
463
00:24:23,560 --> 00:24:25,120
WHAT is going on?
464
00:24:25,120 --> 00:24:28,080
Uhh, Gwen? What are you doing here?
465
00:24:28,080 --> 00:24:30,920
Shit, you're "second toothbrush".
466
00:24:30,920 --> 00:24:33,040
Is it safe to come out now?
467
00:24:33,040 --> 00:24:34,320
Jesus Christ!
468
00:24:34,320 --> 00:24:36,520
Oh, hi...everyone.
469
00:24:36,520 --> 00:24:38,880
- I can explain this.
- You're cheating on me?
470
00:24:38,880 --> 00:24:42,080
- Cheating is such an ugly word.
- We didn't sleep together.
471
00:24:42,080 --> 00:24:44,200
But we did. But I'm his ex...
472
00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:46,400
You musicians are all the same.
473
00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:48,600
Can I just reiterate, we didn't sleep together?
474
00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:50,560
That bra wasn't yours, was it?
475
00:24:50,560 --> 00:24:53,520
No, that was mine. Can I have it back?
476
00:24:53,520 --> 00:24:56,520
You covered for your brother's infidelity? That is so co-dependent.
477
00:24:56,520 --> 00:24:59,840
- Is that my hairclip?
- Well, you're the worst sponsor ever.
478
00:24:59,840 --> 00:25:01,280
We didn't sleep together.
479
00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:03,160
Who encourages a drug addict to relapse?
480
00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:06,280
Ladies, ladies, please, calm down.
481
00:25:06,280 --> 00:25:08,480
Shut up!
482
00:25:08,480 --> 00:25:11,600
- Can I have my hair clip back?
- Yeah, I'm so, so sorry.
483
00:25:12,680 --> 00:25:14,200
You're such a prick, Andy.
484
00:25:17,880 --> 00:25:20,040
- I'll see you in group?
- Yeah.
485
00:25:21,520 --> 00:25:25,000
Maybe we should forget about the music project for now.
486
00:25:25,000 --> 00:25:26,520
Melodie, please, wait, don't go.
487
00:25:26,520 --> 00:25:28,800
SHE BLOWS RAPE ALARM
488
00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:32,760
I like her.
489
00:25:32,760 --> 00:25:34,640
Can I have my bra back now, please?
490
00:25:40,160 --> 00:25:41,600
Thank you.
491
00:25:41,600 --> 00:25:42,680
DOOR CLOSES
492
00:25:44,280 --> 00:25:46,160
What? It was my size.
493
00:25:50,720 --> 00:25:53,960
Oh! I'm never answering my door again.
494
00:25:53,960 --> 00:25:55,800
That's all you learned from today?
495
00:25:55,800 --> 00:25:58,000
How about - you can't have your cake and eat it too?
496
00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:01,320
But if I bake the cake, why can't I have a slice?
497
00:26:01,320 --> 00:26:03,760
Yeah, but you tried to eat three cakes.
498
00:26:03,760 --> 00:26:06,760
- I think I've got a cake problem.
- OK, I've got to go.
499
00:26:06,760 --> 00:26:10,280
I have to get on my knees and hope poor, sweet Agnes will take me back.
500
00:26:10,280 --> 00:26:13,560
- You all right?
- Yeah. It's not like I'm going to kill myself.
501
00:26:27,720 --> 00:26:29,600
PHONE BUZZES
502
00:26:31,880 --> 00:26:33,520
Stop calling me.
503
00:26:33,520 --> 00:26:35,880
I don't want to hear any more rubbish stories
504
00:26:35,880 --> 00:26:38,560
about you on a farm in the middle of nowhere.
505
00:26:38,560 --> 00:26:40,800
Good, because I'm at East Croydon Station.
506
00:26:43,840 --> 00:26:45,520
I lied.
507
00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:48,640
I knew it, you don't think I'm average plus.
508
00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:50,280
No...
509
00:26:50,280 --> 00:26:51,840
I'm not pregnant.
510
00:26:51,840 --> 00:26:54,840
I just said that because I got a kick out of making you feel bad.
511
00:26:54,840 --> 00:26:57,760
I'm not sorry though. What you did was disgusting and pathetic.
512
00:26:57,760 --> 00:27:00,200
I know. I'm going to work on it.
513
00:27:00,200 --> 00:27:03,520
OK, well...anyway, I'm glad I got that off my chest.
514
00:27:04,840 --> 00:27:06,280
Stop staring at my chest.
515
00:27:07,520 --> 00:27:10,800
Casper called. He apologised for everything.
516
00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:12,600
We're getting back together.
517
00:27:12,600 --> 00:27:13,800
Great.
518
00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:16,040
And there's one more thing.
519
00:27:16,040 --> 00:27:18,400
OK. Just don't hit me too hard.
520
00:27:18,400 --> 00:27:19,840
Geronimo.
521
00:27:21,120 --> 00:27:23,360
- What?
- That's the safe word.
522
00:27:29,480 --> 00:27:33,600
Seriously, you're going to pass up on goodbye-forever sex?
523
00:27:34,760 --> 00:27:38,880
It's just...there's someone waiting for me.
524
00:27:38,880 --> 00:27:40,960
Who's more important than sex?
525
00:27:45,960 --> 00:27:48,600
- You're in such deep shit.
- Don't worry.
526
00:27:48,600 --> 00:27:51,360
The class went on a day hike while I stayed in bed faking sick.
527
00:27:51,360 --> 00:27:54,320
- They won't know I'm gone for ages.
- Nicely done. What happened?
528
00:27:54,320 --> 00:27:57,320
I thought you were having a great old time with your new best friend.
529
00:27:57,320 --> 00:27:58,720
Murray Thomas dumped me.
530
00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:00,760
He said New Scientist was too expensive
531
00:28:00,760 --> 00:28:04,640
and then Colin Peters agreed to be his best friend for a Kinder Egg.
532
00:28:04,640 --> 00:28:06,520
Relationships suck.
533
00:28:06,520 --> 00:28:09,840
We seem to have a few hours to kill before you're a wanted man.
534
00:28:09,840 --> 00:28:11,720
What do you say we swing by Legoland?
535
00:28:11,720 --> 00:28:13,080
Yeah, I'd like that.
536
00:28:13,080 --> 00:28:17,240
Oh, by the way, your phone bum-dialled me while I was waiting.
537
00:28:17,240 --> 00:28:20,040
- Really? What did you hear?
- Nothing.
538
00:28:20,040 --> 00:28:21,560
Geronimo!
42792
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