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1
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Morning.
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Hey there, rock star. Sleep well?
3
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Like a corpse.
4
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I can't believe I'm in Andy King's bed.
5
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Me neither. Let's get out of here before he comes back.
6
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Er, no big deal, but I think the condom MAYBE broke that last time.
7
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What?! Please tell me you're on the pill.
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I'm kidding! Don't worry, I'm not some kind of Fatal Attraction.
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HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
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You hungry?
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- Yeah, like the wolf.
- Why don't I make us something?
12
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Huh, you're wearing my Alice Cooper T-shirt!
13
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Yeah, I found it on the floor. Hope it's OK.
14
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Girlfriend's prerogative. Not that I'm your girlfriend.
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I mean, I am a girl, and your friend, hopefully...
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Oh, God.
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- Hi, I'm Sam and I'm an addict.
- Hi, Sam.
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I thought I had it under control.
19
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I felt like Grace Kelly,
20
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but I looked more like Russell Brand in a River Island jumper.
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I've been clean now for a little over a year.
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At the moment, I'm building up the courage to tell my son
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what really...really happened.
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But I'm very thankful that he has such a loving and present father,
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even if I get a bit jealous of the time they spend together.
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I try and tell myself that...
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- MOBILE PHONE RINGS
- Ooh. Is that...? Yeah.
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The cravings have gone, which I never thought I'd say.
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I mean, sometimes when I speak to my ex, I could just kill for a line!
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But I know I just have to focus on the present.
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- MOBILE PHONE BUZZES
- It's really just about
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staying in the moment, no matter what...
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Er, sorry.
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I should get this.
35
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STRUMMING ON GUITAR
36
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What's wrong with my guitar?
37
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I fixed it. The lower E string was really out of tune.
38
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It was in drop D.
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I always keep my axe in drop D, for shredding.
40
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Oh. Sorry, I should've asked first.
41
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I think you mean...AXED first.
42
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It's fine, don't worry about it.
43
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Wow, that's lovely. Thank you very much.
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Are you not eating?
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No, not hungry. But I like watching you eat.
46
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Like putting a tiny piece of myself inside you.
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Shit! I'd better get ready.
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I'm singing at a Bar Mitzvah in two hours. Living the dream, right?
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MOBILE PHONE RINGS
50
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- What?
- 'I'm taking you out for lunch.'
51
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I'm already eating, actually.
52
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When's that ever stopped you? Ben just invited me to his mother's.
53
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He's got some big announcement,
54
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but I'm not going into the scorpion's nest alone.
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If I can pretend I'm normal for a couple of hours,
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he might drop the custody case. I need you there to keep me out of trouble.
57
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Are you forgetting who you're even talking to?
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DOORBELL RINGS
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Doorbell. Got to go.
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You're coming.
61
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What's that smell?
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It's like baked beans and sex.
63
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That's my new deodorant... Sexy Beans.
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Look, I'm not free and you can't be here right now...
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Oh. Hi.
66
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Uh, Shelly, this is my sister, Sam.
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Shelly's just here... helping me out with that thing...
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Any time. If that problem happens again, you know who to call.
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I do, thank you very much. I have your business card.
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(I'm taking your T-shirt. If you want it back, you better call.
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- Nice meeting you.
- Nice meeting you.
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I thought you HAD a girlfriend. Roly was telling me about Gwen?
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Shelly's not my girlfriend.
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She just a girl who comes round and says hello...
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With her vagina. Please, I know the walk of shame. I invented it.
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One minute you're blackout drunk, the next thing, you're waking up
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next to some Brazilian banker in his Holiday Inn executive suite.
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Which, by the way, is not as roomy as it sounds.
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Now, are you coming or am I telling Gwen about your sexcapades?
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- You haven't even got her number.
- Oh, there we go.
81
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Here it is. Under favourites. Bless.
82
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Give it back. Give it back. Sam... Give me back my phone!
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- Are you coming? It's ringing, it's ringing!
- Hang up!
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Wait.
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Shit fuck dick balls crap cock arse motherfucker bitch pussy rimjob.
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- Good?
- Yup.
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Hi, munchkin!
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What's he doing here?
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I've come to give you the news.
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You're adopted.
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Phew, what a load off!
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Hello, stranger! Andy.
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Sorry I didn't warn you he was coming. He just insisted.
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- I can go, if it's too much trouble.
- No. Stay. We're all family here.
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Dad, am I adopted?
96
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No. Where did you get that rubbish?
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Fizzy drinks. Shrinking kids' brains.
98
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Like syphilis in a can.
99
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Couldn't agree more. They're toxic.
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Rex, hey!
101
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Good to see you, Ands, my man. Hey, Sammy.
102
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Rex. Good to see you.
103
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I thought you were saving the world somewhere?
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Rwanda, yeah. I'm on leave from OpSmile for two weeks.
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Just long enough to catch up with the fam.
106
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You guys get comfy. I'll tell Mum you're here.
107
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You'll never guess what Uncle Rex got me from Africa.
108
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- A malaria tent?
- A bracelet.
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- Masculine
- It's beautiful, darling.
110
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Last-minute gift from Duty Free? I've been there.
111
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Actually, a little girl made it for me after I fixed her cleft palate.
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It's so rewarding, watching them
113
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look in the mirror for the first time and hear them say,
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"That's me. That's what I look like now."
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Yeah. Actually, that reminds me. I got you a gift too, Errol.
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There you go.
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Er, thanks.
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You're welcome. And remember, that's not any old opened pack of gum.
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I got that from an old homeless guy after I bought him a beer.
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Hello, everyone.
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Hi, Joan.
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If it isn't my favourite ex-daughter-in-law.
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- I'm your ONLY ex-daughter-in-law.
- Awww!
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Did Errol tell you, he set up the dining table all by himself?
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Made the name cards and everything.
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Mum, you're sitting next to Dad.
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Oh, great.
128
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Andy, what a lovely surprise.
129
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Like that time you fell face first into the wedding cake.
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I can't remember anything about that night. I was wasted.
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Yes. We remember.
132
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Speaking of, what would everyone like to drink?
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I know you love a good glass of white, don't you, Sam?
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Oh, Joan, you know I can't...
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..wait to try...some of your white. That would be lovely.
136
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Ben, can I have a word? It's about school fees.
137
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Since we're pairing up, can I get a quick band meeting, Errol?
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C'mon, it's a simple question, who do you choose?
139
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- And you're the same distance away?
- Yes. The house is on fire.
140
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We're both inside, we're both the exact same distance from you
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and you can only save one of us.
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Is it me or is it Rex?
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Well, Rex is a doctor, so if I get hurt saving him...
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Come on, you're not seriously going to pick Jesus Christ, Super Surgeon?
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- Why? Are you jealous?
- Pfft. Of that clown? Please.
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Now, we're both unconscious, so our skills don't come into play this time.
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- Who do you pick?
- You want me to pick a favourite?
- No...
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I just want you to tell me
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which one of your uncles you don't want burning to death.
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Hypothetically.
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Do you think Mum and Dad are getting back together? I think that's what Dad's announcement is.
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Pick an uncle and I'll tell you.
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OK, I'll pick one, but I need time to think about it.
154
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- You said you were going to tell her.
- I am, I just...haven't yet.
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It's been a year. She's going to find out I was in rehab at some point.
156
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Where does she think I disappeared to?
157
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I might have told her you went to stay with your parents in Spain
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to regroup after the separation.
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You have terrible honesty issues.
160
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It's just...if Mum finds out you did drugs then she'll find out
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I did them too, and I can't do that to her.
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She doesn't even know I smoke cigarettes.
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Can't you just play along, please, for Roly?
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Fine. So, what's this big news?
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I'm not telling till after lunch.
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- Are you dropping the custody case?
- Um...no.
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Are you dying? Is it that weird lump on your ball?
168
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What? No. What weird lump?
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You're like one of those bomb sniffing dogs.
170
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Ehh, have you got any beer?
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Cheers.
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You know, you might not remember the wedding, but I do.
173
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And aside from the heartbreak of watching my son make the biggest
174
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mistake of his life, it was one of the more enjoyable nights I've had.
175
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Yeah, the band were good, weren't they?
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I'm not talking about the band.
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Errol's a lucky boy. Two strapping uncles looking out for him.
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- Keep him on his toes.
- What are you two gossiping about?
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Your amazing cooking.
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Rex is making spring lamb au jus with potatoes dauphinoise.
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I swear, if he hadn't become a paediatric surgeon,
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- he'd be a Michelin star chef by now.
- It's nothing.
183
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The secret is you've just got to slow roast it for ages
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on an achingly low temp until the meat just melts off the bone.
185
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You are just too perfect.
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DOORBELL RINGS
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That'll be the others.
188
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"You're just too perfect."
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Andy! Hey.
190
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Bruce? What are you doing here?
191
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Our kids play on the same football team. How do you two...?
192
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- Fight club.
- Mate! First rule.
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Watch out for this one, she tackles like John Terry.
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Let's hope she isn't racist like John Terry.
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- Allegedly.
- Mrs Meyer, these are for you.
196
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- Oh, they're lovely. Where did you get them?
- Tesco.
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Hey, Bruce. How's Claire?
198
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Great. Busy managing the salon. Work, work, work.
199
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She did Tiff's nails. Show her, Tiff.
200
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- Wow. Those are fab.
- Do you like them, Errol?
201
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Mum's nail polish gives me a rash.
202
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Bruce, this is my brother, Rex. He's visiting from Africa.
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Oh, cool. My dad's Nigerian. Igbo.
204
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Kedu ka imere?
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- Yes. - What did you say, Uncle Rex?
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I asked how he was doing, in Igbo.
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"Entres dans mon Jacuzzi." What's that in French, Errol?
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- Get in my Jacuzzi?
- You're welcome.
209
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Sam, would you help me put these in water?
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Come on, kids, I'll tell you about how I helped a lioness give birth.
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Spoiler alert - he's the father.
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I didn't know you were mates with Ben.
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Er, we're not really. He invited Tiff so Errol would have company.
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I swear I wouldn't have come if I knew you and Sam were here.
215
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I mean, with the custody thing. I hate picking sides.
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Yeah, but if you had to, you'd pick Sam, right?
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- She's always saying how much she likes you.
- Really?
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No. But she could have been.
219
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- Now, I'm cooler than Rex, aren't I?
- Yeah, definitely.
220
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If you were a boy band, he'd be like Gary Barlow.
221
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He gets all the respect, but Robbie's having ALL the fun.
222
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But people still respect Robbie as well, right?
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Yeah, sure.
224
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Now tell me this - is it incest
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if you had sex with your ex-GILF-in-law?
226
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What?
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Never mind.
228
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Isn't Errol doing well?
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I know. Did he tell you he got an A on his family tree project?
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Brilliant.
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You know, I was so worried about him after the separation.
232
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Especially while you were in Spain, living it up.
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Thank goodness Ben was around to pick up the pieces.
234
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- You still haven't touched your wine.
- I'm just...saving it for the meal.
235
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Sam, are we friends?
236
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Of course. Yes.
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Oh, good.
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I was afraid we had a Queen Liz and Diana thing going on.
239
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- We know how that ended.
- Right, so who's Charles?
240
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The family is Charles. And we all want what's best for Charles, don't we?
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I mean, just because you ran off to Spain when Errol needed you most,
242
00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:30,400
doesn't mean your heart isn't in the right place.
243
00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:32,160
I'm sure you had your reasons.
244
00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:37,920
Here, let's make a toast... to Charles.
245
00:12:39,320 --> 00:12:42,360
Actually, I just remembered. I'm on antibiotics.
246
00:12:42,360 --> 00:12:45,280
- Shouldn't be drinking.
- Just a sip won't kill you.
247
00:12:45,280 --> 00:12:47,840
Come on, drink up, or I'll feel insulted.
248
00:12:58,360 --> 00:13:00,120
This is grape juice.
249
00:13:00,120 --> 00:13:03,080
Like I'd give wine to an addict! That was too easy.
250
00:13:03,080 --> 00:13:05,240
How can you be trusted with Errol's custody
251
00:13:05,240 --> 00:13:07,640
when you can't even stay on the wagon?
252
00:13:07,640 --> 00:13:09,320
You knew I was in rehab?
253
00:13:09,320 --> 00:13:13,120
A friend of mine spotted you in the same clinic as her anorexic daughter.
254
00:13:13,120 --> 00:13:16,120
Don't tell Ben I know. He likes to think he has secrets.
255
00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:18,600
Just going to go and put change in the meter.
256
00:13:20,320 --> 00:13:23,440
- Who do you support, Errol?
- He's a Gooner, like his uncle and me.
257
00:13:23,440 --> 00:13:25,960
You said you were a Spurs fan, like your mum and me.
258
00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:30,360
What? I like them both. I couldn't possibly pick a favourite.
259
00:13:30,360 --> 00:13:34,880
You can't like Tottenham AND Arsenal! That's like rooting for the Nazis and the French Resistance.
260
00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:38,280
Arsenal have more French players, doesn't that make Spurs the Nazis?
261
00:13:38,280 --> 00:13:41,440
- Spurs have a lot of Jewish fans, though.
- Not many Jewish Nazis, are there?
262
00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:43,680
Since when do you care about football, Andy?
263
00:13:43,680 --> 00:13:47,920
You should support Fulham, like us. Nobody gets hurt when you support Fulham. They're Switzerland.
264
00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:52,480
Oh, that reminds me. This is a football field I helped build when I was stationed in Somalia.
265
00:13:52,480 --> 00:13:55,680
Nice job There's not even any grass on it.
266
00:13:55,680 --> 00:13:57,720
I know, but the kids don't mind.
267
00:13:57,720 --> 00:13:59,280
It used to be a mass grave.
268
00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:03,320
Can you guess what it's called now?
269
00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:04,800
"No grass field"?
270
00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:07,600
- It's called Errolfield.
- Nice touch, bro.
271
00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:08,880
Very cool.
272
00:14:12,360 --> 00:14:14,880
Looking at that dusty field makes me feel thirsty.
273
00:14:14,880 --> 00:14:17,200
Uncle Andy, I'd really like an apple juice.
274
00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:18,320
Your legs aren't broken.
275
00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:21,520
You can have my drink, Errol. I didn't touch the sides.
276
00:14:21,520 --> 00:14:25,480
Thanks, but I really just want some apple juice. It's my...favourite.
277
00:14:25,480 --> 00:14:27,000
I'll get you one, mate.
278
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:28,480
I got this one, T-Rex.
279
00:14:30,280 --> 00:14:32,800
Oh, help yourself.
280
00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:35,560
You certainly did at the wedding.
281
00:14:35,560 --> 00:14:36,920
Um...where's Sam?
282
00:14:36,920 --> 00:14:40,800
Not sure. Have you tried Spain?
283
00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:43,720
Ohh!
284
00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:45,800
His highness's apple juice.
285
00:14:45,800 --> 00:14:47,040
Not thirsty any more.
286
00:14:47,040 --> 00:14:48,760
Bruce, if you and Tiff are interested,
287
00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:51,320
Rex and I are taking Errol camping next weekend.
288
00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:54,000
I'm going to teach this little guy all about edible plants.
289
00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:55,920
Uncle Rex makes botany really fun.
290
00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:58,800
Botany's my...FAVOURITE.
291
00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:03,560
I ate an orchid on a Thai beef salad once.
292
00:15:03,560 --> 00:15:05,280
It was interesting.
293
00:15:05,280 --> 00:15:07,240
Yeah, well, what did I teach you last week?
294
00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:08,840
How to delete my search history?
295
00:15:08,840 --> 00:15:11,400
Bingo. And that is a skill for life.
296
00:15:11,400 --> 00:15:13,920
Right, half-time. Who's up for a game of three-a-side?
297
00:15:13,920 --> 00:15:15,480
Um...
298
00:15:17,040 --> 00:15:18,640
Dad.
299
00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:20,040
Bruce.
300
00:15:20,040 --> 00:15:21,360
Yes!
301
00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:23,720
You should pick Andy. I haven't played in ages.
302
00:15:23,720 --> 00:15:26,480
- Bit rusty.
- Uncle...
303
00:15:26,480 --> 00:15:27,800
Rex.
304
00:15:29,280 --> 00:15:31,200
Andy, I guess.
305
00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:34,440
"Dig A Little Deeper" by Peter Bjorn and John
306
00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:38,200
# Oh-oh
307
00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:40,040
# You think you've got it made
308
00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:41,880
# I'm trying to have some fun
309
00:15:41,880 --> 00:15:43,840
# You think you know it all
310
00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:45,760
# I've only just begun
311
00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:47,680
# You're sliding on the surface
312
00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:49,800
# I'm reaching for the bottom
313
00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:51,640
# The past is always present
314
00:15:51,640 --> 00:15:53,440
# The future fades away
315
00:15:53,440 --> 00:15:57,040
# And if you think your brain is hollow
316
00:15:57,040 --> 00:16:00,320
# You just have to scream
317
00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:03,280
- # And dig a little deeper... #
- He's amazing.
318
00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:05,160
Heard West Ham tried signing him,
319
00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:08,360
but he just wanted to be a doctor.
320
00:16:08,360 --> 00:16:09,800
Well, then...
321
00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:12,120
It's time to send him back to the hospital.
322
00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:16,800
"Iron Man" by Black Sabbath
- Go, go, go! Take him!
323
00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:22,760
Oh, shit...
324
00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:24,760
GLASS SMASHES
325
00:16:24,760 --> 00:16:26,800
I'm really, really sorry.
326
00:16:26,800 --> 00:16:28,400
It's fine.
327
00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:31,680
I'm sure you can find a way of making it up to me.
328
00:16:31,680 --> 00:16:34,240
What were you doing kicking the ball like that, anyway?
329
00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:35,280
It was a mis-kick.
330
00:16:35,280 --> 00:16:37,400
Bruce, did that look like a mis-kick to you?
331
00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:39,960
I didn't see. My contact fell out.
332
00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:42,080
But you're wearing your glasses.
333
00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:44,040
Where's Mum?
334
00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:46,320
Mum?
335
00:16:46,320 --> 00:16:48,400
Maybe she ran away.
336
00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:49,720
Why would you say that?
337
00:16:49,720 --> 00:16:51,880
That's what my dad did - my real dad.
338
00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:53,840
He was a worthless fart-hole.
339
00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:55,040
That's what my mum says.
340
00:16:55,040 --> 00:16:57,040
Do you think you'll ever get married?
341
00:16:57,040 --> 00:16:58,880
Oh, yeah, definitely! Yeah.
342
00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:00,640
I want loads of kids.
343
00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:03,600
If I have a girl, I'm going to call her Scout,
344
00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:05,520
like in To Kill A Mockingbird.
345
00:17:05,520 --> 00:17:07,320
If I have a boy, I'm going to call him Spock.
346
00:17:07,320 --> 00:17:10,200
I don't want a husband, though. I'm going to get a sperm donor.
347
00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:13,800
- What's that?
- I'm not really sure. I heard about it on Jeremy Kyle.
348
00:17:15,560 --> 00:17:18,200
Have you ever kissed a girl on the mouth?
349
00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:21,080
The human mouth has over 1,000 different types of bacteria.
350
00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:23,120
So, is that a "no"?
351
00:17:23,120 --> 00:17:24,480
Er...
352
00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:26,200
Oh, just close your eyes.
353
00:17:29,680 --> 00:17:31,520
What are you two doing in my bedroom?
354
00:17:31,520 --> 00:17:33,280
We're not kissing on the mouth.
355
00:17:33,280 --> 00:17:35,760
No, you hang up first.
356
00:17:35,760 --> 00:17:38,280
No, you hang up first!
357
00:17:38,280 --> 00:17:40,280
- HANGS UP
- Look, about your mum's face.
358
00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:42,280
Um... It was an accident.
359
00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:44,720
Not her face - she's got a beautiful face.
360
00:17:44,720 --> 00:17:45,920
Not in a sexy way.
361
00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:47,720
- For her age...
- Did you find Sam?
362
00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:48,920
- Not yet.
- This is typical.
363
00:17:48,920 --> 00:17:51,480
When we were married, she'd always disappear like this
364
00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:54,200
after a big fight. She was always paranoid I was cheating on her.
365
00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:55,960
- Were you cheating on her?
- Not always.
366
00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:58,160
- Look, about that call...
- You don't need to explain.
367
00:17:58,160 --> 00:17:59,560
No, I want to.
368
00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:02,640
See...I've been seeing someone else.
369
00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:04,600
That's why I invited everyone here.
370
00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:06,480
Everyone else, not you.
371
00:18:06,480 --> 00:18:09,120
I wanted Errol to have as many people around him as possible
372
00:18:09,120 --> 00:18:10,920
for support, when I break the news.
373
00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:12,400
Do you think he'll be all right?
374
00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:14,200
Yeah, sure. He's a tough kid.
375
00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:15,840
As long as he's got his inhaler.
376
00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:19,760
Y'ello!
377
00:18:24,360 --> 00:18:26,000
Er... Are you all right?
378
00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:29,520
Yeah! Yeah, I'm great. Just got some dust in my eyes.
379
00:18:29,520 --> 00:18:32,320
- I should probably tell the others I found you...
- No, just...wait.
380
00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:33,720
Just give me a minute.
381
00:18:42,120 --> 00:18:44,760
Ben and I used to come up here and smoke a joint
382
00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:47,160
while Joan was changing Errol's nappies.
383
00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:48,800
You must think I'm really stupid
384
00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:52,440
hiding in an attic like... Anne Frank or something.
385
00:18:52,440 --> 00:18:55,160
Sometimes I tell Claire I'm going out to buy milk
386
00:18:55,160 --> 00:18:57,600
but I'm really going to Starbucks to work on my comics.
387
00:18:57,600 --> 00:19:00,680
- You draw comics?
- Well, webcomics.
388
00:19:00,680 --> 00:19:05,760
And I can't actually draw, it's more stick figures with witty writing.
389
00:19:05,760 --> 00:19:07,800
ATTEMPTED witty writing.
390
00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:09,400
Yeah, I know, "Grow up, Bruce."
391
00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:12,160
- Claire thinks it's stupid too.
- It's not stupid. It's sweet.
392
00:19:12,160 --> 00:19:16,360
- I just didn't know you were so... nerdy.
- Really?!
393
00:19:16,360 --> 00:19:18,440
I mean, come on, look at me.
394
00:19:18,440 --> 00:19:21,680
- I guess you're right!
- Thanks
395
00:19:21,680 --> 00:19:23,640
I am a terrible mother, aren't I?
396
00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:26,280
What? No. You're a great mum.
397
00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:28,160
I see the way Roly looks at you.
398
00:19:28,160 --> 00:19:30,120
That's just his lazy eye.
399
00:19:30,120 --> 00:19:32,080
But you look like you know what you're doing.
400
00:19:32,080 --> 00:19:33,400
What's your secret?
401
00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:36,520
Honestly? When things get too much...
402
00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:39,040
I have a special pillow I scream into.
403
00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:42,640
- How often do you need the pillow?
- Not often.
404
00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:44,400
About ten times a day.
405
00:19:44,400 --> 00:19:46,400
And if you don't have a pillow to hand,
406
00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:48,280
you can use your arm.
407
00:19:48,280 --> 00:19:50,040
Like so...
408
00:19:50,040 --> 00:19:52,480
Nngh!
409
00:19:55,200 --> 00:19:58,680
Nnnnghh!
410
00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:01,200
- Ooh...!
- Wow! Better?
411
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:03,840
- I feel a little bit light-headed.
- Yeah, I know, right?
412
00:20:06,760 --> 00:20:08,800
Oh...this is it.
413
00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:12,200
I'm going to be a single mum for the rest of my life.
414
00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:16,520
I'm going to end up like Joan. Some nasty, mean, bitchy cow
415
00:20:16,520 --> 00:20:18,800
who hasn't had a willy up her in about a century
416
00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:21,520
Don't worry, you'll get a willy up you.
417
00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:27,720
But seriously, I... I think you'll find someone.
418
00:20:27,720 --> 00:20:31,400
You know, you're smart, funny, attractive...
419
00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:33,920
- You're great at hide and seek.
- You found me.
420
00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:35,800
Well, I'm an excellent seeker.
421
00:20:39,840 --> 00:20:41,240
Found her!
422
00:20:43,720 --> 00:20:45,240
What on earth are you doing up here?
423
00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:46,880
What happened to your face?
424
00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:48,440
What's that smell?
425
00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:51,600
FIRE ALARM BEEPS
426
00:20:51,600 --> 00:20:53,440
Shit!
427
00:20:54,680 --> 00:20:56,280
It's ruined.
428
00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:57,640
Who's up for curry, then?
429
00:20:57,640 --> 00:20:59,360
I don't mind it a little well-done.
430
00:20:59,360 --> 00:21:02,840
- Uncle Rex, why did you set it so high?
- I...didn't.
431
00:21:02,840 --> 00:21:04,960
Duhn-duhn-duhnnn.
432
00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:07,760
- We'd better call Scotland Yard, then.
- You did this!
433
00:21:07,760 --> 00:21:10,520
- Whoa, Rex, slow down.
- Andy's never touched an oven in his life.
434
00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:12,120
- He can barely cook a Pot Noodle.
- Yeah.
435
00:21:12,120 --> 00:21:13,720
Why would I want to ruin my own lunch?
436
00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:16,240
I don't know. You tell me. You've been jabbing at me all day.
437
00:21:16,240 --> 00:21:18,440
What, did I piss you off in a past life or something?
438
00:21:18,440 --> 00:21:20,520
"Oh, the golden boy never does anything wrong.
439
00:21:20,520 --> 00:21:22,600
"Oh, look at me, I'm the world's best surgeon.
440
00:21:22,600 --> 00:21:24,400
"Oh, look at me, I'm the world's best chef.
441
00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:26,320
"Oh, look at me, I'm the world's best uncle!"
442
00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:28,160
Well, at least I've put my time in with Roly.
443
00:21:28,160 --> 00:21:31,000
- Where've you been this last decade?!
- Please stop fighting over me.
444
00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:32,480
Stay out of this, Errol!
445
00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:36,040
You are like a one-man typhoon. Is there anything you can't ruin?
446
00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:37,400
Oh, get over it, love.
447
00:21:37,400 --> 00:21:39,560
I'm sorry I shagged you and then never called.
448
00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:42,880
Have you lost your mind?!
449
00:21:42,880 --> 00:21:44,160
We never shagged.
450
00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:46,000
Er, hello? The wedding.
451
00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:49,040
We shared a joint at the wedding, you idiot.
452
00:21:49,040 --> 00:21:50,240
What's a joint?
453
00:21:50,240 --> 00:21:52,560
- It's a marijuana cigarette.
- Where did you learn that?
454
00:21:52,560 --> 00:21:55,160
- Jeremy Kyle.
- So, wait, you're judging me for going to rehab,
455
00:21:55,160 --> 00:21:58,000
- while you're the pothead?
- I tried it once, 12 years ago.
456
00:21:58,000 --> 00:22:00,120
That hardly makes me Keith Richards.
457
00:22:00,120 --> 00:22:01,760
I tried peyote once in Guadalajara.
458
00:22:01,760 --> 00:22:03,600
Big deal, I did meth twice in Hackney.
459
00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:06,480
Well, two and a half times. It's complicated.
460
00:22:06,480 --> 00:22:08,440
Mum, wait, you knew Sam went to rehab?
461
00:22:08,440 --> 00:22:10,880
Of course I did, darling, I'm your mother.
462
00:22:10,880 --> 00:22:14,000
- Anyway, everyone's in rehab, it's the new black.
- What's rehab?
463
00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:16,800
- Hotel for druggies.
- But, Mum, I thought you were sick.
464
00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:18,920
I was, munchkin. I'll explain everything later.
465
00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:21,480
Why didn't you say you knew? I could have used your support.
466
00:22:21,480 --> 00:22:23,040
Because she loves keeping secrets.
467
00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:25,440
I'm sure she knows you did all the coke in Colombia too.
468
00:22:26,800 --> 00:22:29,000
That isn't true, is it?
469
00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:30,520
- Ben?
- What's wrong with Coca-cola?
470
00:22:30,520 --> 00:22:32,000
They're talking about cocaine.
471
00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:33,800
- Jesus, Tiff!
- Jeremy Kyle?
472
00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:34,920
Top Gear.
473
00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:37,920
This is your fault! I knew you'd find a way of screwing this day up!
474
00:22:37,920 --> 00:22:40,120
My fault? I'm not the one that invited everyone here
475
00:22:40,120 --> 00:22:41,520
to make a big announcement.
476
00:22:41,520 --> 00:22:44,120
Trust me, mate, no-one cares that you're getting laid.
477
00:22:44,120 --> 00:22:45,280
What's he talking about?
478
00:22:45,280 --> 00:22:49,480
Well, I didn't want everyone to find out like this, but, um...
479
00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:52,920
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT ..I've been seeing someone.
480
00:22:52,920 --> 00:22:54,800
Her name's Veronica.
481
00:22:54,800 --> 00:22:57,240
- Is she joining us?
- Not today,
482
00:22:57,240 --> 00:23:02,040
but I wanted to prepare everyone for the idea.
483
00:23:02,040 --> 00:23:03,280
To avoid any dramas.
484
00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:06,360
So you're emotionally fluffing us? That is so typical of you.
485
00:23:06,360 --> 00:23:07,400
Your ego is so inflated
486
00:23:07,400 --> 00:23:09,440
you have to make a major event out of everything!
487
00:23:09,440 --> 00:23:12,000
Well, excuse me if I thought this was important.
488
00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:13,640
You're the one who left me, remember?
489
00:23:13,640 --> 00:23:16,880
- I wanted to work things out.
- You were driving me crazy!
490
00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:18,320
My wife's cheating on me!
491
00:23:21,320 --> 00:23:23,320
- Errol? Errol, are you all right?
- Oh, my God!
492
00:23:23,320 --> 00:23:24,720
It's his asthma. It's the smoke.
493
00:23:24,720 --> 00:23:26,360
I'll get his inhaler, it's in my purse.
494
00:23:26,360 --> 00:23:29,080
OK, Errol, I need you to try and take slow, deep breaths for me.
495
00:23:29,080 --> 00:23:30,920
OK, mate? Breathe...
496
00:23:35,440 --> 00:23:36,800
It's not working!
497
00:23:36,800 --> 00:23:39,240
I don't think it's his asthma. I think it's a panic attack.
498
00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:42,480
Errol, I need you to try and think of something relaxing.
499
00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:46,560
# When you're going to the loo
500
00:23:46,560 --> 00:23:49,000
# And your pants are full of poo
501
00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:54,680
# Diarrhoea, diarrhoea
502
00:23:54,680 --> 00:23:56,800
# When you're climbing up a ladder
503
00:23:56,800 --> 00:23:58,600
# And you're feeling something splatter
504
00:23:58,600 --> 00:24:02,280
# Diarrhoea, diarrhoea
505
00:24:02,280 --> 00:24:04,720
# When your stomach starts to hurt
506
00:24:04,720 --> 00:24:06,560
# And you need to squirt some dirt
507
00:24:06,560 --> 00:24:10,600
# Diarrhoea, diarrhoea
508
00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:12,960
# When you're sitting on a mountain
509
00:24:12,960 --> 00:24:15,200
# And your bum becomes a fountain...
510
00:24:15,200 --> 00:24:20,320
# Diarrhoea, diarrhoea
511
00:24:20,320 --> 00:24:24,280
# When you're driving in your car
512
00:24:24,280 --> 00:24:28,000
# And your house is just too far
513
00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:35,720
# Diarrhoea, diarrhoea. #
514
00:24:42,920 --> 00:24:45,080
Joan, I know you think I'm a mess,
515
00:24:45,080 --> 00:24:48,920
and I have my moments, but I am a good mum.
516
00:24:51,640 --> 00:24:53,000
I know.
517
00:24:54,680 --> 00:24:56,320
And I'm sorry for earlier.
518
00:24:57,840 --> 00:25:00,880
I can get a bit "Mommy Dearest" when I'm let out of my cage.
519
00:25:00,880 --> 00:25:03,440
Ben and I should have been straight with you from the start.
520
00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:07,240
We all really need to communicate better. For Roly's sake.
521
00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:09,520
Because I would like to be friends, Joan.
522
00:25:09,520 --> 00:25:11,840
We don't have to be friends, darling.
523
00:25:12,880 --> 00:25:15,520
We're family!
524
00:25:15,520 --> 00:25:17,200
More grape juice?
525
00:25:19,520 --> 00:25:22,760
Look, um, I'm sorry I ruined your roast.
526
00:25:22,760 --> 00:25:25,720
It's just with all your cool stories and...
527
00:25:25,720 --> 00:25:27,520
The way Roly looks up to me?
528
00:25:27,520 --> 00:25:30,680
No, actually, just your cool stories.
529
00:25:30,680 --> 00:25:34,120
- You know I sometimes get jealous of you, right?
- Really, why?
530
00:25:34,120 --> 00:25:37,200
You make him laugh and you've got that whole music connection...
531
00:25:37,200 --> 00:25:39,480
I've got no musical talent whatsoever.
532
00:25:39,480 --> 00:25:40,760
Yeah, you're right.
533
00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:43,800
I suppose I am an unbelievably cool uncle.
534
00:25:43,800 --> 00:25:45,160
Yeah.
535
00:25:45,160 --> 00:25:47,960
Yeah, I mean, sometimes being handsome
536
00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:50,160
and super intelligent isn't everything.
537
00:25:55,920 --> 00:25:57,160
How did it go?
538
00:25:57,160 --> 00:25:59,600
He's going to need time to process.
539
00:25:59,600 --> 00:26:01,400
He's asked to see his uncles.
540
00:26:13,960 --> 00:26:15,960
Did you know I've got a tattoo?
541
00:26:15,960 --> 00:26:18,200
I'd show it you, but it's in a...
542
00:26:18,200 --> 00:26:20,080
hard to reach place.
543
00:26:20,080 --> 00:26:23,440
- Can you guess what it says?
- "Boobs", with nipples inside the Os?
544
00:26:23,440 --> 00:26:27,680
I wish. No, it says, "Will you go out with me, Dolores?"
545
00:26:27,680 --> 00:26:28,880
She was a girl at uni.
546
00:26:28,880 --> 00:26:31,600
I thought she'd be won over by my, um...
547
00:26:31,600 --> 00:26:32,680
dedication.
548
00:26:32,680 --> 00:26:33,880
What did she say?
549
00:26:33,880 --> 00:26:35,360
Well, she laughed in my face.
550
00:26:35,360 --> 00:26:37,360
After I pulled my trousers back up.
551
00:26:37,360 --> 00:26:40,680
Point is, that thing is going nowhere.
552
00:26:40,680 --> 00:26:42,240
Just like us.
553
00:26:42,240 --> 00:26:44,800
And, sure, your dad might be seeing a new bird,
554
00:26:44,800 --> 00:26:48,080
but he's still your dad, and your mum's still your mum,
555
00:26:48,080 --> 00:26:50,360
and they both love you.
556
00:26:50,360 --> 00:26:52,160
For some weird reason.
557
00:26:52,160 --> 00:26:54,160
What your Uncle Andy's trying to say is,
558
00:26:54,160 --> 00:26:58,480
if you ever need anyone to talk to, you know who to call.
559
00:26:58,480 --> 00:27:00,440
Me.
560
00:27:00,440 --> 00:27:02,360
Did you make sure the needle was sterilised?
561
00:27:02,360 --> 00:27:04,720
Because you know you can catch hepatitis from a tattoo.
562
00:27:04,720 --> 00:27:08,400
Yeah, don't worry about that. I had it bleached, burnt and boiled.
563
00:27:08,400 --> 00:27:09,520
Thanks, guys.
564
00:27:16,680 --> 00:27:18,400
Nice job, man.
565
00:27:18,400 --> 00:27:20,440
Yeah.
566
00:27:20,440 --> 00:27:22,320
I'm definitely his favourite.
567
00:27:22,320 --> 00:27:24,240
Mm...
568
00:27:25,320 --> 00:27:27,200
Mm...
569
00:27:29,200 --> 00:27:31,280
- Gingin?
- Yes, darling?
570
00:27:31,280 --> 00:27:34,760
Earlier you said Mum and Dad's wedding was 12 years ago,
571
00:27:34,760 --> 00:27:36,960
but I'm 12 and a half.
572
00:27:36,960 --> 00:27:38,240
How does that work?
573
00:27:44,560 --> 00:27:46,400
Ooh, poppadoms!
574
00:27:52,240 --> 00:27:55,720
# Who am I
575
00:27:55,720 --> 00:27:57,920
# Without you? #
44976
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