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PHONE RINGS
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What? I'm busy.
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I'm dying.
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Shit.
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What is it, a brain tumour?
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I mean, you did do a lot of drugs.
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No! I'm dying of shame!
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'Roly...' SHE SIGHS
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- ..caught me doing things to myself.
- What, like shaving your legs?
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- Higher up.
- Armpits?
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Masturbating, Andy! He caught me masturbating!
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- Oh, shit.
- 'I know.'
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I told him I was just having a bad dream.
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It's like that time I caught you in the shower making a soap sandwich.
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- I was washing my privates!
- With two bars?
- Why are you calling?
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I don't know how much he saw but now I'm in my room and he's in his room
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and it's half-term so I don't have anywhere to send him.
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- Just send him to the cinema or something.
- By himself?
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Maybe he'll meet a nice man with a big bag of sweets.
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Oh, shit, I've got to go, bye!
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Please don't kill me!
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Why are you doing outside my club stalking my daughter?
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Pfff, I'm not... I'm not stalking.
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I'm just... This is where my car broke down.
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Really? Try starting the engine.
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Yeah...
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ENGINE STARTS
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Wow, thank you.
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I thought I made it very clear what would happen if I saw you again.
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I'm not here to see Gwen. Look.
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You want to play in the battle of the bands. MY battle of the bands?
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- No chance.
- Why not? I'm a good musician.
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You haven't heard me but I'm good.
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I know you think this is all about Gwen but it's not.
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I'm just looking for someone to give me a break.
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- Oh, I'll give you a break.
- I swear I won't talk to Gwen.
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I won't even look at her. I just want to perform.
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In a gay club?
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I cried during Brokeback Mountain.
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It's called 'Battle of the Bands.' You don't even have a band.
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Well, if I can get a band together in the next three days,
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will you let me play?
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IF you can get a band, I'll see.
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Thanks, Mr Pearson.
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The name's Val.
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- Now, fuck off.
- Yes, sir. Ma'am. Val.
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And thank you for fixing the car.
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- What a load off.
- Fuck off.
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Hello. I would like to book a rehearsal room for tomorrow, please,
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for I am starting a band.
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The small room's available three till five.
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Excellent. Can you just put it under 'Andy King', please?
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- That'll be £30 on the day.
- £30?!
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- Do you want me to cross you off?
- No. I want you to cross me on.
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Because £30 is what I'm going to be paying.
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PHONE RINGS
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- What?!
- Can you watch Roly tomorrow?
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No, I'm mega busy.
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- Got auditions all day for my new band.
- Great. He loves music.
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Remember? He's taking piano. He won't be any trouble. Oh, please?
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- I have a date.
- Who are you going on a date with?
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- Some guy I met online.
- Online?
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It's your funeral. I mean, literally.
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After he kills you and stuffs you in his boot.
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What do you want me to do? I'm 35, I'm in recovery,
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I can't do bars and I have a kid, so, yes, I met a guy on the internet
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and hopefully I won't get raped and murdered.
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Now, may I please leave Roly with you tomorrow?
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Thank you.
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DOORBELL RINGS
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- You weren't still sleeping, were you?
- No.
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- Why is your hair in a bun?
- Do you like it? I think it makes me look smarter.
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- What do you think?
- I think you're going to need a bigger bun.
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Ah! Shit.
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Listen, will you talk to Roly for me? He's being a bit weird.
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I think it's probably about the lady wank. Be subtle about it, though.
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Bye, treasure!
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- This place is disgusting.
- Whatever. Why are you being weird?
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I'm not being weird.
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Don't touch that.
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Is it because you saw your mum...never mind.
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- Don't touch those.
- Who's that?
83
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How about a breath of fresh air?
84
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I'm freezing. Can we go?
85
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- I'm trying to make 30 quid to pay for the audition space.
- £30!
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We're going to be here forever! Why are you starting a band anyway?
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Cos of this.
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- "Battle of the Bands?"
- Yeah.
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First prize is one month as the house band at Cox.
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And do you know what that means? That means one month with Gwen.
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Why do you want to get back with her? She doesn't even like you.
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It's called sexual tension.
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Maybe one day when you're in love you'll understand.
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- Give me your jacket.
- Why?
- Just give it.
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Hold that.
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HE COUGHS
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PROFICIENT BLUES GUITAR SOLOING
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Thank you, Tyler.
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We'll be in touch.
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- I thought he was good.
- Yeah, he was amazing, with beautiful lips.
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I'm not having that in my band. Someone else will come along,
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hopefully a humpback with a dodgy eye.
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OUT OF TIME DRUMMING
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OUT OF TUNE SINGING
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CACOPHONOUS, SLUDGY ROCK MUSIC
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HE PLAYS A PEDESTRIAN DRUM PATTERN
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OUT OF TIME, MONOTONE BASS GUITAR
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UNINSPIRED SOLOING
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I know!
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DISTANT PIANO MUSIC
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Oh, sorry.
112
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Where did you learn to play like that?
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I don't know. I've had a few lessons.
114
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Your mum said. I figured you were going to be shit like all the other little kids.
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Can you play anything else?
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HE PLAYS THE OPENING CHORDS TO 'VIVA LA VIDA' BY COLDPLAY
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Errol, how would you like to be in my band?
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- Would I need a humpback and a dodgy eye?
- No.
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- Think about it, I could be Jim Morrison to your Ray Manzarek.
- Who?
120
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He was the nerdy keyboardist in The Doors.
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- I don't want to be the nerdy one.
- I think you're missing the point.
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EVERYBODY got laid in The Doors.
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- Chicks love musicians.
- Really?
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How do you know if a girl likes you?
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I think you've just got to, you know...
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- Why are you asking about girls all of a sudden?
- No reason.
127
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You're in love. That's why you've been acting so weird lately!
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- I'm not being weird!
- Who is she, you little pervert?
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- Her name's Ruby.
- Ruby.
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And have you asked the little jewel out on a date?
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She doesn't know I exist.
132
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Well, then, why don't you join my band
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and then I can help you win the girl?
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Do we have a deal?
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Just shake once.
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BELL RINGS
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Hey! How was the big date?
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Wellllll....
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What's something you'd be embarrassed to tell a stranger?
140
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I never know which way to put the cutlery in the dishwasher.
141
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Facing up gets it cleaner
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but it seems really dangerous with the knives up like that.
143
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What about you?
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I like when ladies poo on me.
145
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He was a bit boring.
146
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Great! Listen, I've got some free time this week.
147
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Why don't you leave him with me for a couple of days?
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Go on some more dates and try and find that Mr Right that you've been looking for.
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Why are you being nice?
150
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Sam! You've always been there for me.
151
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- Let me do this for you.
- Yeah, you deserve some time to yourself.
152
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You've been under a lot of stress lately.
153
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There you have it, the most dangerous animal in the jungle.
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The female human.
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One minute she can take you to the heights of ecstasy,
156
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and the next she can shatter your soul with a single glance.
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- Pervert!
- Morning, ladies!
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So tell me about this Ruby. What is she out of 10?
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- She's a 10!
- All right, now bear in mind you've got to stay within a three point spread.
160
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For instance, a two can never go out with an eight.
161
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- That would be suicide.
- So, what am I?
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Well, you're skinny but you've got nice hair and no hideous deformities.
163
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So, I'm going to go out on a limb and give you a 6 1/2.
164
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But I reckon, with a bit of styling,
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- we can probably get you up to a 7.
- What are you?
166
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Some people are immune to the whole scoring system altogether.
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Mega rich bastards, athletes, talented musicians.
168
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Present company included. Now, jokes. Women love good jokes.
169
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For instance, why do blondes wear knickers?
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- Why?
- To keep their ankles warm.
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- I don't get it.
- Trust me, it's hilarious.
172
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Now, what jokes have you got?
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- What's the bare minimum?
- I don't know, what's the bare minimum?
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One bear.
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We'll work on the jokes.
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Right, now let's practise asking a girl out.
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I'll be a girl. You ask me out.
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Erm...hi.
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"Erm...hi"? Seriously? Your opening line is the most important thing
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you'll ever say to a girl. If you can't think of anything funny,
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give her a compliment, buy her a drink.
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Be charming. Be charismatic. Be mysterious.
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- Can't I just be myself?
- No! Are you crazy? Never be yourself.
184
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Now try again.
185
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Excuse me. You have very nice...
186
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- ..sideburns.
- No! OK, fine, OK.
187
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Right, we'll swap back over. You be the girl. I'll be the man.
188
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Hello, my name's Andy. What's your name?
189
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- My name's Penelope Jenkins.
190
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Hello, Penelope. You've got very nice eyes.
191
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Thank you. I got them from my mother. She was a Russian ballerina.
192
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Tell me three things you like, Penelope.
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I like sushi, fruit bats and long car rides.
194
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Do you like waking up with no regrets and a man that knows how to hold you?
195
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- You've used that line?
- I used it on Gwen.
196
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That worked out well
197
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Hi, Ruby, you have nice eyes. Will you go out with me?
198
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Oh, hey, Errol. What are you doing here?
199
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I...erm...
200
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..have nice eyes?
201
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What?
202
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That bad, huh?
203
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Sign us up. This is my band.
204
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- There's only two of you.
- So? Anything more than one is a band in my book.
205
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We're not reading from your book, are we?
206
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Two people's a duo - it's not a band.
207
00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:31,640
You know who'd care to disagree? The White Stripes, The Black Keys,
208
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- The Proclaimers, Heart...
- Heart's a five-piece.
209
00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:36,240
The Kills, Suicide, Simon and Garfunkel.
210
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- Ant and Dec!
- And of course my personal favourite, The Carpenters.
211
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You love The Carpenters, don't you?
212
00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:46,920
Yes, OK. But one of your band members is a minor.
213
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The flyer doesn't say anything about minors.
214
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- It's not like he's cruising for gay hook-ups, are you?
- No.
215
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If you don't let him perform, based solely on his age,
216
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do you know what that is? That is...
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- Age discrimination.
- ..age discrimination.
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And discrimination... Well...
219
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- that's bad.
- Oh, my God! What is he doing here?!
220
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I've got this, baby. You go get lunch.
221
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So, has he talked you into this, little man?
222
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No, sir...miss. I just wanted to be in a band to impress chicks.
223
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I was in a band when I was your age. I also did it to impress chicks.
224
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Is there a special girl you're trying to impress?
225
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- Ruby.
- Ahh, Ruby. That's a pretty name.
226
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Have you tried writing her a song?
227
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DOORBELL RINGS
228
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# When I think about you You make my chest feel all tight
229
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# I have to shake my inhaler Suck with all of my might
230
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# I see you walk down the hall I don't think you see me
231
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# I cannot focus in science You give me ADHD
232
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# I feel my temperature rise I see my grades start to drop
233
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# I'm near the bottom of class I used to be near the top
234
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# You make me sick in my mouth You make me come out in hives
235
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# You put my stomach in knots I have to loosen my tie, tie, tie
236
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# I don't like you I like, like you
237
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# I'll walk you home after school I'll walk you right to your house
238
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# I'd like to give you a kiss But not a kiss on the mouth
239
00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:32,600
# I'll take you out on a date I'll meet you out by the gym
240
00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:37,440
# And I should probably say This song was written by him
241
00:13:38,760 --> 00:13:42,720
# I'll save you space in the queue I'll give you answers in maths
242
00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:46,800
# I'll take you out to the zoo Will you sit by me in class?
243
00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:50,640
# It's everything that you say It's everything that you do
244
00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:57,480
# I don't just like you a bit I like, like, like you, you, you. #
245
00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:07,080
Today, you have become a man, my pale little friend,
246
00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:10,000
and I am one step closer to going back out with Gwen.
247
00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:14,880
What's the matter? You don't like your milk? Wait, let me guess.
248
00:14:14,880 --> 00:14:16,160
You're lactose intolerant?
249
00:14:16,160 --> 00:14:18,200
No. I mean, yeah, but it's not that.
250
00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:20,520
It's just...what am I going to talk to her about?
251
00:14:20,520 --> 00:14:22,680
Relax. You don't need to talk to her about anything.
252
00:14:22,680 --> 00:14:24,840
Just ask her lots of questions, and you'll be fine.
253
00:14:24,840 --> 00:14:26,400
You'll be there to help, right?
254
00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:29,520
I hadn't really planned on wingmanning a 12-year-old.
255
00:14:29,520 --> 00:14:32,480
What? You have to be there. I can't do it on my own.
256
00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:36,000
Yeah, you can. You don't need me.
257
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:38,520
If you don't come, I'll quit the band.
258
00:14:40,240 --> 00:14:41,520
Fine. You win, brat.
259
00:14:41,520 --> 00:14:43,920
DOORBELL RINGS
260
00:14:43,920 --> 00:14:48,240
That's it. I'm done. It's a horror show out there.
261
00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:50,640
I'd rather burn alive than go on another date.
262
00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:52,920
The last one was going great until his wife shows up.
263
00:14:52,920 --> 00:14:55,080
- Turns out they're swingers.
- What are they?
264
00:14:55,080 --> 00:14:56,560
They're like acrobats, darling.
265
00:14:56,560 --> 00:14:59,880
Yeah, that really like playing with lots of other acrobats.
266
00:14:59,880 --> 00:15:03,240
Just promise me that you'll never grow up and never get married.
267
00:15:03,240 --> 00:15:05,680
- Relationships are evil.
- Erm...OK.
268
00:15:06,880 --> 00:15:09,640
- So what did you two get up to today?
- We formed a band. Me and Roly.
269
00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:12,280
- Shut up!
- No, we did. Our first gig is tomorrow night.
270
00:15:12,280 --> 00:15:13,680
- No way!
- Way!
271
00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:16,640
No, no, seriously. No way. Roly's with his dad tomorrow night.
272
00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:19,560
It's his weekend.
273
00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:21,520
KNOCKING ON DOOR It's open!
274
00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:33,200
Hey, Andy. You hungry?
275
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:37,200
- Nah...I'm all right.
- Come on, I've made way too much.
276
00:15:37,200 --> 00:15:40,160
Nah, I'm...on a diet.
277
00:15:40,160 --> 00:15:42,760
Yeah? And I'm holding a big fuck-off knife.
278
00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:51,920
This is really good.
279
00:15:51,920 --> 00:15:53,760
Thanks, man.
280
00:15:53,760 --> 00:15:55,080
Nice apartment, too, innit?
281
00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:59,080
Yeah. So, Sam tells me you've been helping out with Roly.
282
00:15:59,080 --> 00:16:01,040
Yeah, here and there.
283
00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:03,920
- Be honest, does she hate my guts with the whole custody thing?
- Nah.
284
00:16:03,920 --> 00:16:05,760
Come on, I can take it.
285
00:16:05,760 --> 00:16:09,000
Yeah, she hates your fucking guts.
286
00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:12,000
I can't blame her. You know, I'm actually proud of her.
287
00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:13,840
Getting herself clean, going back to uni.
288
00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:15,640
She's really turned her life around.
289
00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:17,440
- How do you find Roly?
- Yeah, good.
290
00:16:17,440 --> 00:16:20,000
Little ladies' man is what he is. Every week, he's telling me
291
00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:23,360
about some new girl at school. Gets it from his old man.
292
00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:25,800
- Yeah.
- Don't ever get divorced, Andy.
293
00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:28,080
It turns people ugly. I mean, I can eat a lot of shit,
294
00:16:28,080 --> 00:16:30,240
but when it comes to my boy, it's all about two words.
295
00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:32,480
- Peanut allergy.
- No compromise.
296
00:16:32,480 --> 00:16:35,160
I will never compromise with him. Ever.
297
00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:38,040
But I want you to know, I'm not out to hurt Sam.
298
00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:40,760
I'm just want to do what's right for the Rolster.
299
00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:43,040
- You understand, don't you?
- Definitely, yeah.
300
00:16:43,040 --> 00:16:47,160
- Good. Now, can I ask you something?
- Yes.
301
00:16:47,160 --> 00:16:49,760
What the fuck are you doing here?!
302
00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:52,360
I don't know if you remember, but we were never exactly mates.
303
00:16:52,360 --> 00:16:55,880
- What did you used to call me?
- Ben? Just...Ben.
304
00:16:55,880 --> 00:16:59,440
Yeah, that's what you called me to my face. But what did you call me behind my back?
305
00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:02,000
Ben...Ben...Ben...
306
00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:04,200
- Bendy dick.
- Bendy dick. That's right.
307
00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:07,680
Your sister and her big mouth. I bet she never told you why it bends?
308
00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:10,400
I was in a BMX accident when I was eight.
309
00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:13,080
And loads of famous people have got bendy dicks. Bill Clinton!
310
00:17:13,080 --> 00:17:15,560
He was the leader of the free world, he's got a bendy dick.
311
00:17:15,560 --> 00:17:18,480
George Clooney probably has a bendy dick.
312
00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:22,240
You must have some serious shit to say to me to turn up like this
313
00:17:22,240 --> 00:17:23,640
out of nowhere.
314
00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:29,160
I just wanted to ask if I could take Errol to a concert tomorrow night?
315
00:17:29,160 --> 00:17:31,360
Why would I let you do that? Friday's my night.
316
00:17:31,360 --> 00:17:35,560
I know, "no compromise", but he really wants to go.
317
00:17:35,560 --> 00:17:39,680
I'm just trying to look out for the little guy, just like you.
318
00:17:39,680 --> 00:17:45,480
OK. I'll let you take Errol to the concert if you kiss my feet,
319
00:17:45,480 --> 00:17:47,720
and say I have a beautiful dick.
320
00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:50,640
I'm totally serious.
321
00:17:50,640 --> 00:17:54,840
If taking my son away from me is this important to you, I have to see it.
322
00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:16,400
Both feet.
323
00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:22,840
Now say it.
324
00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:27,480
- Can't hear you.
- You have a beautiful dick!
325
00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:29,880
- What's so funny?
- Errol called before you came.
326
00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:31,920
I already gave permission.
327
00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:41,120
I...like your tie.
328
00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:44,800
Oh, thanks. Yeah, it's not a clip-on.
329
00:18:47,440 --> 00:18:49,840
So, Ruby, do you like listening to music?
330
00:18:49,840 --> 00:18:52,120
- Yeah.
- What sort of bands do you like?
331
00:18:52,120 --> 00:18:54,240
I don't know, like One Direction.
332
00:18:54,240 --> 00:18:58,520
No way. That's Errol's favourite band, isn't it, Errol?
333
00:18:58,520 --> 00:19:01,440
- Really?
- Erm...yeah.
334
00:19:01,440 --> 00:19:03,960
Who's your favourite member? Mine's Zayn.
335
00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:06,960
- Yeah, me too.
- No way!
336
00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:12,280
'And I have all their singles.'
337
00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:13,760
I've signed up for their fan club,
338
00:19:13,760 --> 00:19:16,240
but I haven't been in it as long as my friend, Clara.
339
00:19:16,240 --> 00:19:18,880
She's always on about how she's loved them since X Factor.
340
00:19:18,880 --> 00:19:22,000
- What's your favourite song?
- It's...erm... Dah-dah-dat-dah-duh...
341
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:25,480
Oh, yeah! Little Things. That's my third favourite.
342
00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:28,360
You guys sit down. I'll be right back. My treat.
343
00:19:28,360 --> 00:19:30,920
One free Family Feast to stay in, por favor.
344
00:19:33,880 --> 00:19:35,920
- Oh, hello.
- Oh, hi.
345
00:19:35,920 --> 00:19:38,840
- You are Errol's teacher, Melodie.
- Good memory.
346
00:19:38,840 --> 00:19:42,240
I never forget a pretty name.
347
00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:44,800
- What are you doing in here?
- Oh, I just live around the corner.
348
00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:48,280
No, you shouldn't have told me that. Could be a stalker.
349
00:19:48,280 --> 00:19:49,480
I'm not a stalker.
350
00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:51,440
That's the sort of thing a stalker would say.
351
00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:52,880
I'm going to stop talking now.
352
00:19:52,880 --> 00:19:55,480
You never know, cos I could be stalking you.
353
00:19:55,480 --> 00:19:57,240
I would like a stalker.
354
00:19:57,240 --> 00:20:00,480
Because I don't own a dog, so I could use the company.
355
00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:04,920
- What are you doing here?
- I am chaperoning Errol on his first date.
356
00:20:04,920 --> 00:20:06,960
Oh, he's on a date with Ruby?
357
00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:10,560
He's wearing a suit. He's such a little gentleman.
358
00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:12,840
I think he looks like a Jehovah's Witness.
359
00:20:12,840 --> 00:20:15,960
OK, one Family Feast to eat in. One Family Feast to take away.
360
00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:18,400
You're having a Family Feast? Are you expecting company?
361
00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:20,720
Yeah. It's not like I'm going back to my flat
362
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:23,640
and eat a pile of fried chicken alone with my two cats.
363
00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:25,160
That would be sad.
364
00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:27,920
Well, it was good seeing you.
365
00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:30,480
Why don't you come over and say hello?
366
00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:32,840
I'm sure Errol would love to see you.
367
00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:34,360
Look who I found!
368
00:20:34,360 --> 00:20:35,640
Oh, hi, Miss Thomas.
369
00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:38,120
Hi, guys. Are you enjoying your half term?
370
00:20:38,120 --> 00:20:40,600
I've already done the holiday reading you gave us.
371
00:20:40,600 --> 00:20:42,320
Errol and I have formed a band.
372
00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:44,600
Oh, cool. What kind of music do you play?
373
00:20:44,600 --> 00:20:46,920
- The awesome kind.
- I play the keyboards.
374
00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:48,800
Just like Louis!
375
00:20:48,800 --> 00:20:51,640
We've got a gig tonight at Cox. You should come along.
376
00:20:51,640 --> 00:20:54,200
- Isn't that a gay club?
- Not when I'm there.
377
00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:56,640
Is it true you know Harry from One Direction?
378
00:20:56,640 --> 00:20:58,240
Errol said you taught him guitar.
379
00:20:58,240 --> 00:21:00,960
Yes, that's true. I taught him everything he knows.
380
00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:03,320
Well, I have to admit, I have a bit of crush on him.
381
00:21:03,320 --> 00:21:04,640
Dirty old lady.
382
00:21:06,640 --> 00:21:09,760
Not that you're old...or dirty... I mean, she's old.
383
00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:12,760
- You're quite clean.
- Oh, I really should get going.
384
00:21:12,760 --> 00:21:15,440
- Clean young lady!
- It was good seeing you all.
385
00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:17,640
- Are you going to come to that gig tonight?
- I'll try.
386
00:21:17,640 --> 00:21:20,320
I might have a thing but...maybe. Yeah. Maybe.
387
00:21:22,760 --> 00:21:27,080
- Bye, Miss Thomas. She's pretty.
- Yeah, I'd give her a seven.
388
00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:30,520
- I'm really glad you asked me out.
- Really?
- Yeah!
389
00:21:30,520 --> 00:21:32,840
Now, I have someone to talk about One Direction with.
390
00:21:32,840 --> 00:21:35,720
- It's like having another girlfriend.
- Girlfriend? What do you mean?
391
00:21:35,720 --> 00:21:37,920
You're the only boy I know who likes One Direction.
392
00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:40,840
- I've always wanted a gay friend.
- Wait a minute, I'm not gay.
393
00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:44,200
It's OK. I don't mind. I love Alan Carr.
394
00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:46,320
You don't understand.
395
00:21:46,320 --> 00:21:49,320
I only said I liked One Direction because you like them.
396
00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:51,920
But really, I hate them. I think they're awful
397
00:21:51,920 --> 00:21:53,800
and I think their music's awful.
398
00:21:57,600 --> 00:22:00,840
So, when's the second date?
399
00:22:00,840 --> 00:22:03,880
Never. She thought I was gay!
400
00:22:03,880 --> 00:22:07,080
You told her I like One Direction, and then she thought I was gay.
401
00:22:07,080 --> 00:22:11,160
So, I told her I hate One Direction and now she hates me!
402
00:22:11,160 --> 00:22:14,720
- Does she think I'M gay?
- Who cares? This is all your fault!
403
00:22:14,720 --> 00:22:17,440
My fault? I didn't want to come out on your stupid toddler date
404
00:22:17,440 --> 00:22:19,960
in the first place. It's not my problem you struck out.
405
00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:21,400
That's it! I quit the band.
406
00:22:30,440 --> 00:22:32,720
- Hey, shithead.
- I lost Errol.
- What?
407
00:22:32,720 --> 00:22:36,520
He just ran off. I've been driving around everywhere looking for him, but I can't find him.
408
00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:39,760
And someone's probably kidnapped him and it'll be all over the news,
409
00:22:39,760 --> 00:22:42,120
and they'll use a photo of me,
410
00:22:42,120 --> 00:22:44,360
and people will see that photo and they'll say,
411
00:22:44,360 --> 00:22:47,920
"Yeah, the uncle definitely did it. Just look at him."
412
00:22:47,920 --> 00:22:50,280
But I didn't kill him, I didn't do that.
413
00:22:50,280 --> 00:22:52,280
Andy, shut up. Errol's here.
414
00:22:52,280 --> 00:22:54,840
He got home a few minutes ago. He took the bus.
415
00:22:57,880 --> 00:22:59,960
He's locked himself in the bathroom.
416
00:23:03,080 --> 00:23:04,480
Hey, mate?
417
00:23:09,880 --> 00:23:14,520
Errol, I know you're mad at me.
418
00:23:14,520 --> 00:23:16,640
I deserve it, all right?
419
00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:18,160
I get it.
420
00:23:18,160 --> 00:23:19,960
It's just...
421
00:23:23,080 --> 00:23:26,520
I mean...what do I know about girls?
422
00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:33,280
Look at me. My love life's a nuclear disaster zone.
423
00:23:34,840 --> 00:23:37,960
I'm sorry I messed things up between you and Ruby.
424
00:23:37,960 --> 00:23:41,320
I just really wanted things to work out for you because...
425
00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:46,560
..I really need you in this band.
426
00:23:48,240 --> 00:23:50,480
I should have just told you to be yourself.
427
00:23:50,480 --> 00:23:56,280
I mean...if you're with the right girl, that's all that really counts.
428
00:23:56,280 --> 00:23:58,280
Ruby's the one that's missing out.
429
00:23:59,680 --> 00:24:03,120
Fuck One Direction. Fuck 'em.
430
00:24:12,600 --> 00:24:15,440
PHONE RINGS
431
00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:20,160
- Hello?
- Where are you? You're on in an hour.
432
00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:22,080
We're not going to make it. Sorry.
433
00:24:26,520 --> 00:24:28,120
Useless, fat twat.
434
00:24:37,520 --> 00:24:41,040
You still not going to tell me what happened?
435
00:24:41,040 --> 00:24:44,280
You know, me and your Uncle Andy used to fight all the time.
436
00:24:44,280 --> 00:24:46,120
We still do, but not like we used to.
437
00:24:46,120 --> 00:24:49,400
I remember one time he was going through a glam phase,
438
00:24:49,400 --> 00:24:52,640
and he borrowed my stirrup leggings without asking.
439
00:24:52,640 --> 00:24:54,560
He was a lot thinner back then.
440
00:24:54,560 --> 00:24:58,200
Anyway, I found them in the laundry with massive split up the bum.
441
00:24:58,200 --> 00:25:01,280
- He wouldn't admit to it.
- So, what did you do?
442
00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:04,880
I cut nipple holes in his Stone Roses T-shirt, but that's not the point.
443
00:25:04,880 --> 00:25:10,040
The point is that I forgave him, because, eventually, we all screw up
444
00:25:10,040 --> 00:25:12,680
and we can only hope there'll be someone there to forgive us
445
00:25:12,680 --> 00:25:14,240
when it's our turn.
446
00:25:32,200 --> 00:25:35,520
DOORBELL RINGS
447
00:25:37,160 --> 00:25:41,560
Hi, I'm Sam, I'm your sister. This is Roly, he's your nephew.
448
00:25:41,560 --> 00:25:43,480
It's really nice to meet you.
449
00:25:43,480 --> 00:25:46,480
- Ooh! Holy shit, those are soft hands.
- What are you doing here?
450
00:25:46,480 --> 00:25:48,120
Don't we have a gig to get to?
451
00:25:51,040 --> 00:25:52,320
Well, I'm glad you said that,
452
00:25:52,320 --> 00:25:54,480
because I've figured out the bare minimum we need
453
00:25:54,480 --> 00:25:56,640
- to make this band work.
- What's that?
454
00:25:56,640 --> 00:25:58,120
Two bears.
455
00:26:06,200 --> 00:26:07,520
All right, gorgeous?
456
00:26:13,040 --> 00:26:16,080
- Andy!
- Shelly? You're here?
457
00:26:16,080 --> 00:26:18,960
I saw your post online. I wouldn't miss it for the world.
458
00:26:18,960 --> 00:26:21,640
Do you have time for a drink later?
459
00:26:21,640 --> 00:26:23,760
Yeah, definitely.
460
00:26:23,760 --> 00:26:25,560
Weren't they fabulous?!
461
00:26:28,000 --> 00:26:31,160
Now our final band is called...
462
00:26:32,280 --> 00:26:34,240
Really?
463
00:26:34,240 --> 00:26:36,320
The Bear Maximum!
464
00:26:51,800 --> 00:26:56,520
Thanks. This song is about a girl.
465
00:26:59,240 --> 00:27:02,800
# When I think about you You make my pants go all tight
466
00:27:02,800 --> 00:27:06,840
# You're crawling round in my head You taunt me all through the night
467
00:27:06,840 --> 00:27:10,800
# I see you walk in the room You make me weak at the knees
468
00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:14,560
# I've not had sex in a while I'll do whatever you please
469
00:27:14,560 --> 00:27:18,480
# I feel my temperature rise I feel my jaw start to drop
470
00:27:18,480 --> 00:27:23,240
# You drive me out of my mind Oh, please just give me a shot... #
471
00:27:23,240 --> 00:27:24,760
They're actually pretty good.
472
00:27:24,760 --> 00:27:27,360
# You've got me down on my knees You've got me begging for more... #
473
00:27:27,360 --> 00:27:29,960
- You're not going to let them win, are you?
- Not a chance.
474
00:27:29,960 --> 00:27:31,920
# Now come and knock down my door
475
00:27:31,920 --> 00:27:38,640
# I don't like you I love, love you
476
00:27:38,640 --> 00:27:43,920
# I don't like you
477
00:27:43,920 --> 00:27:47,360
# I love, love you
478
00:27:48,480 --> 00:27:52,720
# I'll take you home after work I'll take you up to your house
479
00:27:52,720 --> 00:27:57,000
# And then I'll give you a kiss But not a kiss on the mouth
480
00:27:57,000 --> 00:28:01,000
# I'll take you higher and higher To places you've never been
481
00:28:01,000 --> 00:28:02,960
# And you can probably tell
482
00:28:02,960 --> 00:28:06,240
# This song was written by him. #
39623
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