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# We were strapped in tight buying duty free
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# Till you said the words that you said to me
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# You said you got no love left in your heart
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# Then the turbulence tore our plane apart
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# Our engine's stalled as we tucked and braced
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# And we smashed back down to Earth... #
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Excuse me.
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- # No survivors... #
- Excuse me
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- # No survivors. #
- Excuse me, excuse me.
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MUSIC DIES
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# No survivors... #
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Excuse me. Hi. Can you play somewhere else, please?
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Let me see. Somewhere Else, Somewhere Else.
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I'm not really familiar with that one, but if you
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hum a couple of bars, I might be able to blag my way through it.
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No, I mean could you please leave?
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You're disturbing my customers.
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Come on, mate, I'm just trying to express myself
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That's great. Can I see your busking licence?
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Oh, I must have left it at home.
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Oh, well, why don't I just call the police?
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Why don't I just call your manager?
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Yeah, I am the manager. And the owner.
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This is my coffee bar.
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Oooh, it's a coffee bar!
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Next to the gastro pub and over the road from the laundrette...
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discotheque?
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That's clever, yeah - things have names.
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Look, just clear off or I'm going to have to have you removed
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- and then it's awkward, so...
- You see this?
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This represents integrity.
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And you see that coin in there? I earned that
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with my sweat and my blood.
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And it may not be much, but at least I'm not a soulless, lonely,
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talentless, money-grabbing, City boy.
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This soulless City boy donated a third of his income
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to charity last year.
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And I do get lonely sometimes.
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It's a good thing I've got my Swedish fiancee to keep me company.
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She's the Michelin-star pastry chef who baked all the organic cakes.
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And talentless... You can judge for yourself.
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My band, we're playing at the O2 Academy in Brixton on Saturday.
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You should come!
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Yeah, well, that's not a very cool venue, is it?
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- Because you're just so cool?
- I might be. You don't know me.
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Let me guess. You think today's music is meaningless
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and overproduced.
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And you wish you were back in the '70s, when music was real
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and had guts and integrity,
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but the fact is, they wouldn't have had you, then, either.
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I mean, look at the state of you.
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You don't care about yourself,
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so how's anyone else meant to care about you?
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This whole young Joe Cocker thing you're selling - nobody's buying it.
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So you go home to your bong and your shitty vintage record
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collection that no-one else gives a shit about and you tell
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yourself that you're not famous, because nobody understands you.
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But really, people don't even want to listen to your music
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while they drink coffee.
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You're not even coffee music.
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You think that playing on the street for nothing is integrity,
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but really it's desperation.
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It's denial.
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Well, that's just, like, your opinion, man.
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No, because they agree with me.
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Oh, I feel bad now. How much to make you go away nicely?
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- Do you want a tenner?
- You can't buy me. I'm an artist.
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Oh, no, no, no. So, like, a 20?
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And 11.75 is your change, sir.
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Do you wrap gifts?
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- We're a chemist.
- Is that a no, then?
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- Gwen, wait, please
- Go away or I'm going to call the police.
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Look, I don't even want to talk.
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I just came to give you this. No strings attached.
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I'm not trying to get back together.
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I just want to apologise for last time.
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The last time? You're going to have to be more specific.
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Do you mean the time that you put our sex tape online?
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Or the time you borrowed 300 quid for rent
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and then bought a Playstation?
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Or I know, maybe the time you lied about having a son?
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Please, just take this and you'll never see me again.
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You wrapped it in tinfoil?
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Thought it made it look futuristic.
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What's that smell?
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We're having brunch. It's what civilised people do on a Saturday.
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- What you having?
- Eggs Florentine.
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Is that the one with the ham or the one with the spinach?
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What do you mean "we"?
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- Who's he?
- Go inside, babe.
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- It's all right. He was just leaving.
- I'll take care of this.
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You must be, Andy. I've heard a lot about you.
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Really? Because I've, literally, never heard a thing about you.
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You must be Gwen's new gay flatmate.
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I'm Casper. Her new straight boyfriend.
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Boyfriend? You wish. She'd never go out with anyone called Casper.
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I hear you've been making her very unhappy and I can't have that.
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I'd rather not discuss this with you...Casper.
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You know what you are, Andy?
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You're a fungus on the cock of life.
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And Doctor Casper is the cure.
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Well...
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something tells me that you're not a real doctor, so...
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If I ever see you here again, I'll rape your soul.
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How does that sound?
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Uncomfortable.
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Fetch, boy.
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# Happy people pass my way Looking in their eyes
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# I see a memory and never realised how happy you made me
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# Oh, Mandy, well, you came and you gave without taking
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# But I sent you away
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# Oh, Mandy, when you kissed me and stopped me from shaking
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# And I need you today Oh, Mandy. #
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KNOCK ON DOOR
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It's open! I'm in the bathroom.
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Hey, Andy.
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Hello. You're looking slutty.
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Oh, thanks. As long as I don't look fat.
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Oh, God, do I look fat?
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Well, I wasn't going to say anything, but...
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Where are you going to? A Bunga Bunga party?
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I'm having coffee with Ben.
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We're going to try and settle the custody battle
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before the judge has to.
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I thought a little cleavage couldn't hurt negotiations over Roly.
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Speaking of which... where is the little mistake?
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What's wrong with him? I mean, aside from the obvious.
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He's sick. He was fine last night.
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It's a shame, he was looking forward to his friend's birthday party.
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He has friends?
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SHE LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY
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Anyway, he shouldn't be any trouble.
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Just check in on him once in a while. Make sure he's still alive.
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I should be back in a couple of hours.
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Help yourself to anything you need. Food, internet.
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Vibrator collection?
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If you can find it, it's yours.
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You know, he asked about your music the other day.
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- Wanted to know what it was like.
- What did you say?
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I said it was good.
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I lied.
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Anyway, call me if you need anything.
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TV NEWS COMES ON
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Whoa, what are you doing?
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What does it look like? I'm watching the news.
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You're supposed to be in bed.
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What do you care? Did I interrupt you looking at porno?
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They just call it porn these days and, no, I wasn't doing that.
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Are those hearts you've got on your pyjamas?
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No, they're flowers.
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Oh, I do apologise. That's much better
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Tell me something, what does this guy look like to you?
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- If I tell you, can I watch TV?
- Fine.
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I don't know. He looks...cool.
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You do realise that's a bass guitar he's playing? A bass guitar.
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So?
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No, try again.
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All right! He looks like an idiot, a prat, a moron. Happy?
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How about a wanker? Does he look like a wanker?
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I wouldn't go that far.
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You're not acting very sick.
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I am. I really, really am.
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You're faking it, aren't you? I knew it, you're faking it!
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- I'm not faking.
- Tell me why you're faking it or I'll your mum.
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- I just really don't want to go to this party.
- Why not?
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No reason. I just don't like parties.
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Oh, man. But parties are great. Free food, free booze.
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Girls, drunk girls. What's not to like?
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You haven't lived until you've woken up in a stranger's garden,
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wearing nothing but a captain's hat and a smile on your face.
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Parties are where you learn the art of pointless banter.
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Do you think I came out this charming? No. It was parties.
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If you don't learn to love parties,
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you'll end up being some wall-hugging, weird,
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no party guy and you'll never get laid. Is that what you want?
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Is that what you want? No!
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Get changed out of them Flower Power things
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and let's get you to a party!
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Are you sure he's going to like this?
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Trust me. He's going to love it.
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- Shit, is that a Bentley?
- Oh, yeah. His dad owns a dealership.
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- He must have a tiny penis, then.
- Why?
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Bentley equals tiny knob. It's one of Newton's Laws.
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Oh. Good thing my dad owns Porsche.
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DOORBELL
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Errol! Hi.
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Your mummy told me you were too sick to make it.
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He's feeling a lot better. Aren't you, sailor?
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Oh, good. I hope you're not contagious.
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Wouldn't want anyone getting ill.
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Just kidding.
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- I'm Linda. Hi.
- Andy. Errol's uncle.
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And you must be the birthday boy's sister?
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You're trying to butter me up and it's working! Come in.
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Come in.
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This is for Alfie.
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Oh, thank you. Look at that wrapping! Very original.
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Oh, sorry, gents would you mind just popping off your shoesies for me.
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Oh, look, who it is! Bruce and Tiffany.
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Tiffany, you're getting so big.
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I bet you just eat all your veggies.
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This is a little something for the big man.
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- Wow. That's massive.
- Not about the size, though, is it?
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It's all about the motion of the ocean.
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- Claire couldn't make it?
- No, she's having to work.
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You know her, burning the candle at both ends.
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- Don't worry, we know the shoe drill.
- She's got you well-trained.
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Right, kids. all the other children are through here.
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We've got a karaoke machine and everything.
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Yeah, go party.
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You're not leaving me here, are you?
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Nah, I'll be right here, waiting for you.
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And don't get too drunk!
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SHE LAUGHS
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Right, I'm off. What time do I have to pick up the little rascal?
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Oh, you can stay if you like.
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We've got wine and nibbles in the kitchen for the grown ups.
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I made a fondue.
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Well, lucky for you, I'm very fond of fondue.
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We also have mini-burgers.
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You know how to talk dirty, don't you, Linda?
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So. It's Andy, right?
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Yeah. And you're Brian from football practice.
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- Bruce.
- That's right. Bruce from football practice. Yes.
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So, last time we met, you lied about which kid was yours.
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Oh, yeah. No, I was having a bit of fun.
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But I've met Errol's dad. You're not his dad.
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Fuck, no. I'm his maternal uncle.
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Ah, cool, Sam's big brother.
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I'm four years younger.
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What's the MILF situation like around here?
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I wouldn't know. My wife's the only MILF I like to...ILF.
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Um... thanks for the spliff last time.
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- I was chilled out all day.
- That's cool.
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Donkey!
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- Hey, Tom.
- Where's your sexier half?
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- She had to work.
- On a Saturday?
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Careful, Donkey, you sure she isn't getting a leg over?!
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This is Andy, Errol's Uncle.
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Oh, Errol? My condolences.
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Joking! Good to meet you, Andy. I'm Tom, Alfie's Dad.
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- Andy is a musician.
- Oh, yeah? Andy the musician.
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- I've heard of you.
- Really?
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Yeah, aren't you in that band? What is it? No Direction!
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HE LAUGHS
246
00:12:14,920 --> 00:12:18,400
Come on, that was a good one, Donkey. I'm only joking.
247
00:12:18,400 --> 00:12:19,760
What kind of music do you play?
248
00:12:19,760 --> 00:12:21,760
Well, it's, sort of, a combination of...
249
00:12:21,760 --> 00:12:24,200
Hold that thought. I need to spend a penny. Here you go.
250
00:12:24,200 --> 00:12:28,400
And don't drink any, I've got my eye on you, Donkey.
251
00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:30,520
Why does that prick keep calling you Donkey?
252
00:12:30,520 --> 00:12:32,320
Is it because of your, erm...
253
00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:36,600
No. He thinks I look like the donkey from Shrek.
254
00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:40,000
Does he mean Eddie Murphy or the actual donkey?
255
00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:42,960
I don't know. I never asked.
256
00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:47,080
# Oh, oh, oh, oh-oh. #
257
00:12:47,080 --> 00:12:49,360
You think we should go say "hi?"
258
00:12:49,360 --> 00:12:52,200
I mean, it's the polite thing to do, isn't it?
259
00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:56,120
Whoo, that was brilliant! Give them a round of applause, everyone!
260
00:12:56,120 --> 00:12:57,440
All right, wish me luck.
261
00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:01,560
Hi, Alfie.
262
00:13:01,560 --> 00:13:06,080
Happy 12th birthday, you don't look a day over 11.
263
00:13:06,080 --> 00:13:08,160
- What?
- Nothing.
264
00:13:11,560 --> 00:13:14,760
- Why are you even here, tosspot?
- You invited me.
265
00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:18,560
My mum invited you. And now you're crapping up my party.
266
00:13:18,560 --> 00:13:21,240
OK, good chatting.
267
00:13:26,080 --> 00:13:29,240
Think he was, erm... pleased to see me.
268
00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:31,640
I mean you're not just going to let him
269
00:13:31,640 --> 00:13:34,520
- get away with calling you that are you?
- It's fine.
270
00:13:34,520 --> 00:13:35,840
It's just a nickname.
271
00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:38,760
I think old Linda's got a thing for me.
272
00:13:38,760 --> 00:13:41,920
She keeps staring at me from over there, with her stripper eyes.
273
00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:44,640
- Did you see that we have paper plates?
- Thanks. I'm good.
274
00:13:44,640 --> 00:13:47,120
Do you want me to say something to him? I can say something.
275
00:13:47,120 --> 00:13:50,200
- Please don't. Honestly doesn't bother me.
- What doesn't bother you?
276
00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:52,640
Ee-aw! Donkey alert.
277
00:13:52,640 --> 00:13:54,840
- What did I miss?
- We were just talking about...
278
00:13:54,840 --> 00:13:56,960
- Football!
- Plates!
279
00:13:56,960 --> 00:13:59,400
Nicknames are stupid, aren't they?
280
00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:03,520
Ha-ha, yeah, like Everton. I mean, come on, "The Toffees?"
281
00:14:03,520 --> 00:14:05,240
No-one's afraid of toffee.
282
00:14:05,240 --> 00:14:07,560
Andy, where did you get that mug?
283
00:14:07,560 --> 00:14:08,960
I dunno. A cupboard?
284
00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:11,480
I've put out all these nice wine glasses for the wine.
285
00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:14,520
Yeah. I know but wine glasses don't really suit me.
286
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:15,680
I mean, look at this.
287
00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:19,520
It's just that that's Tom's special mug.
288
00:14:23,040 --> 00:14:25,560
Oh, I'm sorry. Here you go.
289
00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:32,000
Don't give him a hard time, babe. It's an honest mistake.
290
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:34,200
- Right, Andy?
- Right.
291
00:14:34,200 --> 00:14:36,680
Hey, do you guys want to see something cool?
292
00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:41,400
Uh, afternoon, lads. I see you went with the burger.
293
00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:42,440
A fine choice.
294
00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:47,880
- Aren't you embarrassed?
- Embarrassed? No. Why should I be?
295
00:14:47,880 --> 00:14:50,680
- Because you pissed your pants.
- Uh, no, I didn't.
296
00:14:50,680 --> 00:14:51,800
Uh, yes, you did.
297
00:14:53,840 --> 00:14:55,280
Piss pants!
298
00:14:55,280 --> 00:15:00,360
Piss pants, piss pants, piss pants, piss pants!
299
00:15:00,360 --> 00:15:02,360
Congratulations, gentlemen,
300
00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:05,240
you currently find yourselves in the presence of a masterpiece.
301
00:15:05,240 --> 00:15:07,920
If Vinny van Gogh made this car, he would have cut both ears off.
302
00:15:07,920 --> 00:15:10,840
This wasn't manufactured, it was moulded.
303
00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:13,280
No detail's been spared. Natural wood veneers,
304
00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:16,160
a sumptuous leather interior, handpicked from herds
305
00:15:16,160 --> 00:15:20,480
in cooler climes, just to ensure a smoother hide.
306
00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:23,440
If the exhaust pipe wasn't so small, I would fuck it.
307
00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:26,800
THEY LAUGH
308
00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:29,000
I think I'd still prefer a Rolls-Royce.
309
00:15:32,040 --> 00:15:33,240
I'm kidding.
310
00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:35,760
I've just realised who you look like.
311
00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:39,280
- That big one off Monsters Inc.
- Yeah, no, not really.
312
00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:41,680
Yes, you do. Doesn't he, Donkey?
313
00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:44,920
Guys? Doesn't he look like that hairy one from Monsters Inc?
314
00:15:44,920 --> 00:15:46,720
- Yeah! What's his name?
- Stanley.
315
00:15:46,720 --> 00:15:49,280
- Yeah, Stanley.
- It's Sulley.
316
00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:52,520
- Sulley? Are you sure?
- Of course he's sure, it's his name!
317
00:15:52,520 --> 00:15:54,920
THE MEN LAUGH
318
00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:57,960
Come on, show us your scary face, Monsters Inc.
319
00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:04,240
There we go!
320
00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:14,680
All right, I "partied." Now, can we go?
321
00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:16,800
Now? Linda's just made pigs in a blanket.
322
00:16:16,800 --> 00:16:18,960
Wait, why are you holding your jumper like that?
323
00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:21,440
It makes you look like you've pissed yourself.
324
00:16:21,440 --> 00:16:22,760
You've pissed yourself.
325
00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:25,400
- No.
- Alfie threw apple juice on my trousers Why would he do that?
326
00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:28,320
To make it look like I've pissed myself. And because he's a bully.
327
00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:30,440
See, this is why I didn't want to come!
328
00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:33,080
'You don't care about yourself
329
00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:35,280
'so how's anyone else meant to care about you, eh?'
330
00:16:35,280 --> 00:16:37,000
'You're like a fungus on the cock...'
331
00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:39,200
'Show us your scary face, Monsters Inc.'
332
00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:43,720
Look, what do you want to do more than anything else when you grow up?
333
00:16:43,720 --> 00:16:46,080
- I want to be an actuary.
- Cool.
334
00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:48,600
- You don't know what an actuary is, do you?
- No.
335
00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:51,040
But I know that, if we leave now, you'll get bullied
336
00:16:51,040 --> 00:16:52,360
for the rest of your life.
337
00:16:52,360 --> 00:16:54,360
You'll get a shit job, with shit friends.
338
00:16:54,360 --> 00:16:56,640
You'll marry an ugly woman and you'll buy a shit house
339
00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:58,520
and you're going to have ugly kids in it.
340
00:16:58,520 --> 00:16:59,760
I don't want ugly children!
341
00:16:59,760 --> 00:17:02,400
Right, so why don't you end the cycle right now and go in there
342
00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:03,960
and show Alfie that you don't care?
343
00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:06,400
And who knows? Maybe, one day, you'll be a hot shot actuary,
344
00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:08,440
with a gorgeous Swedish fiancee.
345
00:17:08,440 --> 00:17:11,360
OK, I want to go back in there, but my trousers are wet.
346
00:17:11,360 --> 00:17:14,000
At least you've got trousers. Think of them African kids.
347
00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:16,200
All they've got is Coca-Cola T-shirts and sandals.
348
00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:19,480
- Now, go in there and show them what a real actuary's made of.
- I'm going.
349
00:17:23,360 --> 00:17:28,880
Hi, Alfie. I just wanted to say, no hard feelings about before.
350
00:17:28,880 --> 00:17:32,320
- Can I ask you something, Errol?
- Yeah, sure. I love questions.
351
00:17:32,320 --> 00:17:35,920
- Are you a lesbian?
- Um, yes. I'm a lesbian.
352
00:17:35,920 --> 00:17:38,440
Ha! He's a lesbian! I knew it!
353
00:17:38,440 --> 00:17:41,120
- Of course I'm a lesbian, aren't you?
- Yuck, no.
354
00:17:41,120 --> 00:17:44,600
Cos lesbian means you fancy girls. I guess you don't fancy girls, then?
355
00:17:44,600 --> 00:17:48,000
Shut up, lesbo. I bet you caught lesbian disease from your mum.
356
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:50,040
- Don't talk about my mum.
- Why not?
357
00:17:50,040 --> 00:17:52,880
- Everyone knows she's a druggie slut.
- Take that back.
358
00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:54,760
- Make me.
- Leave him alone.
359
00:17:54,760 --> 00:17:56,200
What are you going to do about it?
360
00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:59,000
Are you two going to kiss and have lesbian babies?
361
00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:09,040
No way! Andy King?
362
00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:12,200
Shelley Asher...from sixth form. We had jazz choir together.
363
00:18:12,200 --> 00:18:14,280
Shelley, wow, yeah.
364
00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:15,440
What are you doing here?
365
00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:19,200
Nothing. I'm just...keeping an eye on my nephew. What about you?
366
00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:22,000
Just working. Professional party entertainer.
367
00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:24,120
It's no West End, but it pays the bills.
368
00:18:24,120 --> 00:18:25,400
Oh, yeah, that's great.
369
00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:28,120
This is so weird seeing you here. What have you been up to?
370
00:18:28,120 --> 00:18:30,400
I remember you used to be this amazing musician.
371
00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:32,440
Everybody was always, like, "That Andy, yeah,
372
00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:33,920
"he's going to be proper famous."
373
00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:37,520
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, things are going well.
374
00:18:37,520 --> 00:18:40,840
I've done some music for some adverts. Corporate sell-out, I know.
375
00:18:40,840 --> 00:18:45,320
- Good money, though.
- Yeah, and I'm working on an album.
376
00:18:45,320 --> 00:18:47,200
Oh, amazing.
377
00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:50,720
Yeah, been gigging a lot. Working my way up, slowly but surely.
378
00:18:50,720 --> 00:18:52,520
But got to think of the long game.
379
00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:57,320
I did a gig recently at a swanky coffee bar.
380
00:18:57,320 --> 00:18:58,920
Oh, I am so jealous.
381
00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:01,280
Tell me the next time you're going to do a show.
382
00:19:01,280 --> 00:19:04,840
- I'd love to come and see you.
- I will. I will.
383
00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:09,520
You know, I used to have this massive crush on you at school.
384
00:19:09,520 --> 00:19:12,000
- Really?
- Yeah. I remember I even changed classes,
385
00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:13,760
cos I knew you were going to be in it.
386
00:19:13,760 --> 00:19:16,400
- Proper little stalker, I was.
- That was back when I was skinny.
387
00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:21,520
Yeah. So...is there a Mrs Andy King?
388
00:19:21,520 --> 00:19:23,160
No. No.
389
00:19:23,160 --> 00:19:26,040
I mean, I had a girlfriend, but we've split up.
390
00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:30,000
- Oh? Sorry.
- Oh, don't be sorry. I had to get rid of her.
391
00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:32,920
She was a level-ten clinger, if you know what I mean. So...
392
00:19:34,120 --> 00:19:35,800
Monsters Inc!
393
00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:40,480
Are you scaring this young lady?
394
00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:42,200
No. Not at all.
395
00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:45,160
Doesn't he look like the hairy one from Monsters Inc?
396
00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:49,040
Maybe in the huggable teddy bear, kind of, way. Yeah.
397
00:19:49,040 --> 00:19:52,200
Do you watch any films that aren't rated U?
398
00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:55,160
When you have kids, if you have kids,
399
00:19:55,160 --> 00:19:58,000
you'll understand the sacrifices that must be made.
400
00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:00,560
- What's your cartoon nickname?
- What do you call me, boys?
401
00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:03,280
Buzz!
- That's Mr Lightyear to you!
402
00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:08,040
- What's so funny?
- Nothing.
403
00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:11,680
It's just that Buzz Lightyear thinks he's cool, but really,
404
00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:15,520
everyone makes fun of him behind his back, cos he's a delusional dick.
405
00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:19,240
What are you trying to say?
406
00:20:19,240 --> 00:20:21,480
Nothing, Mr Lightyear.
407
00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:24,880
You think people laugh at me behind my back? What about you?
408
00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:27,840
You're a musician nobody's heard of.
409
00:20:27,840 --> 00:20:31,000
That's like being a car with no wheels.
410
00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:32,720
Going nowhere.
411
00:20:32,720 --> 00:20:34,760
That's not true. He's recorded an album.
412
00:20:34,760 --> 00:20:37,640
Yeah? Sing us a song from it, Monsters Inc.
413
00:20:37,640 --> 00:20:42,200
- I don't have my guitar.
- Come on, you're a guest at my house.
414
00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:46,560
I'm asking you nicely to sing one of your beautiful songs.
415
00:20:49,840 --> 00:20:51,640
Well?
416
00:20:51,640 --> 00:20:53,640
your audience awaits.
417
00:20:55,960 --> 00:20:57,080
I'm joking.
418
00:20:57,080 --> 00:21:00,000
You should've seen your face!
419
00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:03,880
Seriously, Monsters Inc, you're supposed to be the scary one.
420
00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:11,840
- I better get back to work.
- Yeah.
421
00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:17,760
I...I don't have my guitar.
422
00:21:17,760 --> 00:21:21,320
There you are. There's been a little accident with Errol. He's fine.
423
00:21:21,320 --> 00:21:23,240
He just fallen and bumped his nose.
424
00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:25,120
There's some blood on the carpet.
425
00:21:25,120 --> 00:21:27,640
But not to worry, that's what stain guard's for, right?
426
00:21:27,640 --> 00:21:29,840
Also, I think he might have wet himself.
427
00:21:29,840 --> 00:21:33,120
Anyway, he's asking for you. Right, better get on with the cake!
428
00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:40,960
I don't want to talk about it. I just want to go.
429
00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:42,280
Come with me.
430
00:21:43,680 --> 00:21:46,880
- Oi, shithead. Apologise to him.
- Who are you?
431
00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:48,640
I'm his uncle. Now apologise.
432
00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:52,440
No. He's a loser. I can see where he gets it from.
433
00:21:52,440 --> 00:21:55,960
- You know what you need?
- A better view?
434
00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:58,960
Ha-ha. No. If I were your parent, I'd slap you handsome.
435
00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:01,160
Yeah, well, you can't hit me.
436
00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:02,960
I'm a child.
437
00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:05,680
No, you're right. I can't.
438
00:22:07,120 --> 00:22:08,360
But he can.
439
00:22:17,680 --> 00:22:19,120
Now, we've got to go.
440
00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:24,160
Come on! You can do that later.
441
00:22:24,160 --> 00:22:26,960
I'm not walking on the street without shoes.
442
00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:29,040
Double knots? Seriously?
443
00:22:29,040 --> 00:22:31,680
It's rude to leave without saying goodbye.
444
00:22:33,600 --> 00:22:37,200
We're not leaving. We're just...going out for a smoke.
445
00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:40,080
- You hit my boy.
- Your boy hit my nephew.
446
00:22:40,080 --> 00:22:44,280
- What? You mean Ratatouille?
- Don't call me that, you wanker.
447
00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:46,640
What did Ratatouille just call me?
448
00:22:46,640 --> 00:22:49,480
Don't talk to my dad that way, piss pants!
449
00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:53,720
Don't get in my nephew's face, the...fat kid from Up!
450
00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:55,000
- You...
- Tom!
451
00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:57,400
What's this about Alfie trying to punch my daughter?
452
00:22:57,400 --> 00:23:00,760
Is that true, Alfie? Did you take a swing at Shrek?
453
00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:02,960
No! She's lying.
454
00:23:02,960 --> 00:23:06,200
Whoa, wait. You call my little girl...Shrek?
455
00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:10,000
Yeah, Shrek and Donkey - the dynamic duo!
456
00:23:16,360 --> 00:23:19,160
- Wow, that felt good.
- Nice work. Let's go!
457
00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:20,640
Tiff!?
458
00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:29,080
This isn't over. We'll press charges.
459
00:23:29,080 --> 00:23:30,720
Shut up, Tom.
460
00:23:30,720 --> 00:23:33,560
Dad, we can still catch them, if we take the Bentley.
461
00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:41,240
Motherfucking Monsters Inc!
462
00:23:41,240 --> 00:23:46,040
# Fall is here Hear the yell back to school
463
00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:50,160
# Ring the bell Brand-new shoes, walking blues
464
00:23:50,160 --> 00:23:53,200
# Climb the fence, books and pens
465
00:23:53,200 --> 00:24:01,720
# I can tell that we are gonna be friends
466
00:24:04,320 --> 00:24:07,400
# We clean up and now it's time to learn. #
467
00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:23,920
Here she is.
468
00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:26,040
How did it go?
469
00:24:26,040 --> 00:24:29,080
He wants Roly every two weeks and every weekend.
470
00:24:29,080 --> 00:24:30,520
Is that bad?
471
00:24:30,520 --> 00:24:32,960
It's bullshit. Weekends are the best part of childhood.
472
00:24:32,960 --> 00:24:36,840
That's when you get to go on roller coasters and visit aquariums.
473
00:24:36,840 --> 00:24:39,040
Why should he get all the fun stuff?
474
00:24:39,040 --> 00:24:41,400
See, if I was still using, I would have slept with him
475
00:24:41,400 --> 00:24:44,400
- and I would have gotten my way.
- That's your takeaway from all this?
476
00:24:44,400 --> 00:24:46,560
That and don't buy bras off the internet.
477
00:24:48,280 --> 00:24:50,040
How's Roly?
478
00:24:50,040 --> 00:24:51,560
Been fast asleep the whole time.
479
00:24:51,560 --> 00:24:54,440
- Hasn't made a peep.
- What have you been up to?
480
00:24:56,600 --> 00:25:00,080
Just chilling. Internetting and stuff.
481
00:25:00,080 --> 00:25:01,400
Who's that guy?
482
00:25:01,400 --> 00:25:05,600
- No-one. Just a friend of a friend.
- Looks like a bell-end.
483
00:25:08,920 --> 00:25:14,320
Well, I better check on the little curse before I'm off.
484
00:25:14,320 --> 00:25:17,400
You're really enjoying this, aren't you, the whole uncle thing?
485
00:25:17,400 --> 00:25:21,160
- It's better than herpes.
- You would know.
486
00:25:21,160 --> 00:25:24,160
- Andy, wait.
- Yep.
487
00:25:24,160 --> 00:25:26,720
Alfie's mum called. She told me everything.
488
00:25:29,280 --> 00:25:30,960
I never liked the bitch, anyway.
489
00:25:43,200 --> 00:25:44,720
It's me, you little faker.
490
00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:53,440
Look... I'm sorry I made you go to that party.
491
00:25:53,440 --> 00:25:56,720
It's fine. I think I actually enjoyed myself
492
00:25:56,720 --> 00:25:57,880
Really?
493
00:25:57,880 --> 00:26:01,520
Yeah, and I think I learnt something important, too.
494
00:26:01,520 --> 00:26:05,080
- Like what?
- Sometimes... it's OK to hit people.
495
00:26:08,440 --> 00:26:10,400
Good night, piss pants.
496
00:26:10,400 --> 00:26:11,840
Wait.
497
00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:14,960
Can you sing me one of your songs?
498
00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:16,920
Nah, you don't want to hear one of them
499
00:26:16,920 --> 00:26:18,680
- Why not? Are you bad?
- No.
500
00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:24,240
I just don't have my guitar and it's probably not your sort of thing.
501
00:26:24,240 --> 00:26:26,040
Try me.
502
00:26:35,840 --> 00:26:39,440
# There's an impact crater sitting in my heart
503
00:26:39,440 --> 00:26:43,080
# From the time that we crashed and blew our love apart
504
00:26:43,080 --> 00:26:46,760
# The fire that we shared burned hot and fast
505
00:26:46,760 --> 00:26:49,760
# I thought they'd never put it out
506
00:26:49,760 --> 00:27:32,880
# No survivors
507
00:27:32,880 --> 00:27:39,440
# No, no, no, no survivors. #
40686
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