All language subtitles for The Golden Girls - 03x06 - Letter to Gorbachev.

(music) Thank you for being a friend

(music) Traveled down the road and back again

(music) Your heart is true

(music) You're a pal and a confidant

(music) And if you threw a party

(music) Invited everyone you knew

(music) You would see

(music) The biggest gift would be from me

(music) And the card attached would say

(music) Thank you for being a friend (music)

[Door unlocking]

- Hi, Ma.
- Give me your watch.

Sure. What do you want it for?

I'm working on a magic act for
the talent show at the center.

Abracadabra, one, two, three.

Ma.

Relax.

Dorothy, was your card
the ace of spades?

Ma, what the hell are you talking about?

I think I got chapter seven
and nine mixed up.

Oh.

This watch is broken.

Ma, Stan gave me that watch
when we got married!

The marriage never worked,
why should the watch?

[Sophia] I've got bigger problems.
I don't have an act for the talent show.

Talent show? Can I be in it?

Blanche, what you're talented at
isn't generally done on a stage.

This isn't downtown Saigon.

Ma, will you do me a favor
and forget about the talent show?

You're just gonna end up with
egg on your face like last year.

What did you do last year, Sophia?

What are you, deaf? She just told you.
I tried to juggle eggs.

- Hi, Rose.
- Hi.

What's the matter, honey.
Is something wrong?

I'm concerned about nuclear war.

And just yesterday,
her biggest concern

was whether Bubbles the chimp

was traveling with Michael
Jackson against his will.

Okay, honey, tell us what's wrong.

What does this picture
look like to you?

Uh, me sitting on a throne
dressed as Cleopatra,

watching while two
naked men wrestle

to see who gets
to make love to me.

It's the end of the world.

Only for the loser.

Okay, Rose, what is this all about?

You know that Sunshine Cadet troop
I've been helping out with?

This was done
by one of the girls.

She calls it
"Nuclear Bomb, The Day After."

Eight years old
and this is on her mind.

- That's unbelievable.
- She wasn't the only one.

Three other girls
did pictures just like it.

- I don't understand it.
- Oh, honey, it's not so uncommon.

I mean, kids hear
about nuclear war on TV.

They read it in the papers.
It's part of their lives.

They can't help but think about it.

Oh, it's so sad.

When I was eight years old
I was just worried about

the usual childhood things.

How much would
the tooth fairy leave me?

What would I get from Santa?

Would I ever be chosen small
curd cottage cheese queen.

I'm only doing this because I have
some more coffee left to drink.

Small curd cottage cheese queen?

It's our town's biggest honor,
right after...

[both] Large curd
cottage cheese queen.

The point I'm trying to make
is kids should enjoy being kids.

They should be looking
forward to their future,

not worrying about
the end of the world.

Hey, what's with the long faces?

We were just talking about the bomb.

Very nice. You haven't
even seen my new act.

Ma, we were not talking about you.

Everybody's gonna
be talking about me

when they see what I cooked up
for the talent show.

I call my new act "Sophia and Sophia."

Get a load of this.

Uh, hi, Sophia.

Oh, hello, Sophia.

How are you feeling today?

I've got a little arthritis in my neck.

I was wondering why
my wrist was hurting.

What do you think?

Come on, Ma, you could
see your lips moving.

So?

Well, a ventriloquist's lips
aren't supposed to move, Sophia.

Is that common knowledge?

I'm afraid so, Ma.

Otherwise it would just be you
talking with a sock on your hand.

Tough break, Sophia.

One minute you're about
to entertain the masses,

the next you're back on a foot
covering a corn pad.

Now you know how Valerie Harper feels.

Well, it's my turn to cook dinner.
What does everybody want?

Nothing for me, thanks.
I'm not hungry.

Don't let this get to you. It's
something you can't do anything about.

I've always believed
you can fix a problem,

no matter how big it is,
if you just put your mind to it.

How are you gonna fix nuclear war,
write a letter to President Reagan?

That would be pretty stupid,
wouldn't it, Blanche?

Reagan's only responsible
for half the problem.

I'll have to write to Gorbachev, too.

Rose, honey, you can't be serious.

Dorothy, I'm taking my troop
on a camp out in two weeks.

I don't want this nuclear
nonsense spoiling our fun.

A well written, thoughtful,
intelligent letter

to Reagan and Gorbachev
might just do the trick.

Anybody know how many Z's
there are in "czar"?

Oh...

I don't know why I bothered to make
this. Rose could've sat on my hand.

To this day the ghost
of the headless Indian

roams the forest crying out,

"Where is my head? Where is my head?"

If the Indian doesn't have
a head, how can he cry out?

Maybe he talks out of
his behind like Cadet Master Rose.

Well, the Indian
cries out from his heart.

That's the worst kind of cry.

My father's a surgeon.
That's physiologically impossible.

How can we be drawn into the story
if you're misrepresenting the facts.

Honey, it's a make-believe,
scary camp out story.

Ooh, real scary.

You want scared, kid?
You keep it up.

My mother's a lawyer.

Threaten me again
and I'll own your house.

Your father's a doctor,
your mother's a lawyer.

What are you,
one of the Cosby kids?

- This is boring. I want to watch MTV.
- [Kids] Yeah!

You can't watch television,
we're on a camp out.

No we're not.
We're in your living room.

The camp out was called off, remember?

The rain doesn't have to spoil our fun.

There's nothing we can do
outside that we can't do right here.

You promised us
we could pee in the woods.

Get away from that couch.

I have an idea. Who's in the mood
for some real camp out food?

I have beans, I have
beef jerky, marshmallows...

We want pizza.

Yeah, with artichoke hearts
and shitake mushrooms.

[All] Yeah.

Girls, would you be
terribly disappointed

if I took the troop
down the block for some pizza?

[Both] No!

All right, in an orderly fashion
head for the station wagon.

That's not the way to get
your good behavior badges.

Come on, now, you all know you use
both fingers for the sunshine salute!

I'm so glad those little
heathens finally left.

Me, too. I am exhausted.

I don't think I'd have the
energy to raise more children.

Although I am still
in my childbearing years.

Sure, Blanche,
you and Emma Jean Cocoa.

[Doorbell]

Oh, my God, they're back.

[Groaning] Now I know how
the family in Poltergeist felt.

Does Rose Nylund live here?

I'm sorry, you missed her.
She left with her cadet troop.

[Blanche] Can we help you?

I am Alexi Bovanov
from the Russian embassy.

Premier Gorbachev read Rose's letter
and would like to meet with her.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry...

It's Coca Cola, no?

No need to apologize.

In Moscow I stand in line
six hours for half as much.

Would you please make sure
Rose receives this note?

Wait, you can't be serious.

Why would the premier of Russia
want to see Rose?

He was quite moved by her letter.

He wishes to extend an
invitation to her and her family

to visit Moscow and discuss
nuclear disarmament and world peace.

We'll be in touch. Thank you.

Oh, this has to be some kind of joke.

No, it isn't. Look at this.

This is an official document to Rose
from the premier of Russia.

But why would he want to meet
the same woman who once said,

"If the city of Atlantis is lost,

how can Bobby Vinton
appear there twice a year?"

Rose, the most unbelievable
thing has happened.

Remember that letter
you wrote to Gorbachev?

- He's answered it. He wants to see you!
- What did Reagan say?

Well, nothing.
He didn't send a letter.

Well, that is unbelievable.
I wrote him two days earlier.

I did the dumbest thing.

I walked out of this house
and completely forgot it's a full moon.

Under those conditions

a Sunshine Cadet Master
must wear full headdress.

Here I come, girls!

[Yelping]

Kemosabe, I think the world
is in heap big trouble.

[TV dead air signal]

[TV news theme plays]

[Over TV] We interrupt
this dream for a special news report.

Good evening,
I'm Edwin Newman.

The eyes of the entire world
were on Moscow today

as Rose Nylund continued
her mission of peace.

It was 15 days ago that Mrs. Nylund
wrote the now historic letter

that captured the attention
of Premier Gorbachev.

Today she was in Red Square

capturing the hearts and minds
of the Russian people.

We switch now to Moscow.

[Cheering]

[Crowd chanting] Rose. Rose. Rose.

Thank you.

I want you to know

Dr. Zhivago is my
favorite movie of all time.

[Cheering]

Now I'd like to introduce my friends.

[Crowd chanting]

No, no, no. This is Dorothy.

You have a very beautiful country
and I have enjoyed my stay here.

When it comes down to it,

your lives aren't really
that different than ours.

Except for your toilet paper.

No wonder you people
always look so grouchy.

[Cheering]

And this is my friend Blanche.

Hello, you all.

I have had such a great time here

that I would like to
express my appreciation

to Premier Gorbachev
on this special day.

(music) Happy birthday to you

(music) Happy birthday to you

(music) Happy birthday
Mr. Number One Communist

(music) Happy birthday to you (music)

[Cheering]

Ma, what are you doing here?

Thanks a lot for leaving me home.

Lucky I found this nice German kid
who flew me to Red Square.

Hello, ladies and gentlemen.
I know you're dying to hear my act,

so I'll get right to it.
I just flew in from Miami

and boy, I've got to tell you,
your Moscow was one clean town.

No litter on the streets and all the
bugs are in the American Embassy.

Thank you, Sophia.

And thank you all.

Remember, give peace a chance.

The Moscow audience is the
best audience in the world.

[Rose mumbling]
The best audience in the world.

The best audience in the world.

The best audience in the world.

- The best audience in the...
- Rose.

Hi, Dorothy. Hi, Blanche.

Are you all right, honey?

Oh, I'm fine. I just had a dream.

We were all in Moscow.

It was snowing and we
were all wearing fake furs.

I guess I'm just nervous about
that press conference tomorrow.

I've never had a
press conference before.

The idea of all those reporters
coming to the house

to ask me questions
scares me to death.

Honey, relax.
Reporters are just people.

They put on their pants
one leg at a time.

Except for that sports writer
Steve Maxwell.

He likes to jump into both legs
all at once, with a little hop step.

Rose, honey, there is
nothing to be nervous about.

Honey, the press wants to
meet you because Gorbachev

really respects your views
on world peace.

Boy, when you say it out loud
it really sort of lays there.

Pay attention. You're in for a treat.

Oh, Ma, not another act.

No, Dorothy,
not just another act, the act.

I've taken a classic
and reworked it Sophia-style.

[Piano music]

(music) Thanks for the Medicare

(music) For Blue Cross and Blue Shield

(music) For a hip that finally healed

(music) Remember on prescriptions
Generic is a steal

(music) We thank you so much (music)

What do you think? Don't hold
back. I can take the criticism.

Depressing.

Awful.

Stinky.

Go to hell, all of you!

Actually, she took it better
than I had expected.

Dorothy, I've been talking
to that good-looking reporter.

He just got back from Russia. He told
me some very interesting things.

[Blanche] It snows there
in the summertime

and they don't have
very many attractive women.

Do you realize what that means?
When we go to Russia,

I will have my pick
of any man in the country

and you can make
a snowman in June.

We can start
the press conference now.

Where is Rose?

She left to pick up her cadet troop.

That's adorable.

She wants to share this moment
with friends her own age.

You must very proud of your daughter.

- My daughter?
- Friends her own age?

Why, how old do you think Rose is?

Well, based upon her letter,
we figure nine or ten.

[Stammers] To be
perfectly honest, she's...

...closer to ten.

Blanche, could I see you in
the kitchen for a moment?

Was there anything we could get you?
Coffee, tea, pair of Levi's?

Well that solves the mystery.
They think Rose is a little kid.

What are we going to do?

If she reads that letter to the
press she'll humiliate herself.

We can't tell those Russians the truth.

Why not?

Because they will use it
as a propaganda ploy

to convince the whole world that all
Americans are as dumb as Rose.

That would rock the very
foundation of our government,

undermine our great leaders and
potentially topple our entire democracy.

Rocky IV had a profound
effect on you, didn't it?

Oh, come on, we have to
tell them the truth.

Hi, girls. I hope I'm not late.

Uh, Rose, listen,
we have something to tell you.

This is amazing, this is so amazing.

To think I'm giving a press conference
and next week we all go to Moscow.

Can you believe it, Dorothy?

No, but then again, I can't believe
that God wanted Jerry Falwell

to go down that water slide
in a cheap suit.

Rose...

I'm babbling,
but it's because I'm so excited.

Maybe I should open up with a joke.

No, my jokes are boring.

Maybe I should just tell a story.

Like the time my Uncle Gustav
got drunk and tried to milk a porcupine.

- Rose, we have to tell you something.
- There has been a misunderstanding.

Rose, we just found out
today that everybody thinks

the letter you sent to Gorbachev
was written by a nine-year-old girl.

You can't be serious.

Ah, the troop is back.

Which one is little Rose?

This one!

This is little Rose right here.

I will inform the press
we are about to begin.

This is so embarrassing.

[Blanche] Don't worry.
We'll let Linda read your letter.

- No one will be wiser. Come on.
- Is it all right, Mrs. Nylund?

Gee, I don't know. I guess so.

Good. I was afraid I wouldn't
get my moon beam badge

because you said
a Sunshine Cadet never lies.

Ladies and gentlemen,

several weeks ago I brought a letter
to the attention of our premier.

He was so moved
by it's child-like simplicity,

he requested to meet with
the little girl who wrote it.

I would like to introduce you to
that extraordinary nine-year-old girl,

Rose Nylund.

Uh...

- I'm Rose Nylund.
- Oh, boy.

[Indistinct chatter]

I'm the one who wrote the letter.

Oh, boy.

I guess there's been some
kind of misunderstanding,

but a Sunshine Cadet never lies.

[Bovanov] I have
two announcements.

This press conference is canceled,

and I am proud to be
the newest citizen of Miami.

If anyone wants to reach me,
my name is Dave.

Honey, that took a lot of courage.

- You all right?
- No!

This is the worst day of my life.

Oh, come on, honey.
It's not that bad.

I made a total fool of myself
in front of the press.

I'm the laughingstock
of the entire country.

What am I going to tell my mother?

Your mother's from St. Olaf.
She'll understand.

I'm just stupid.

I'm a dimwitted,
dumb, simpleminded,

grade-A, Minnesota chucklehead.

But, the important thing is
you're our chucklehead,

and we wouldn't trade you in
for any other chucklehead

in the whole wide world.

Why don't you take it, Dorothy.

[Chuckling] Listen to me.

What you did was great.
It was historic.

Honey, your words managed to move
the heart of a major world leader.

I would like to hear
those words, too.

You promised us you
would read us that letter.

I never will. It's too embarrassing.

You said today was
the worst day of your life.

What have you got to lose?

I'll never read this letter. Never.

All right, then will you
let me read it?

Oh, fine, kick me while I'm down.
I might as well get used to it.

"Dear Mr. Gorbachev.
My name is Rose Nylund.

I'm writing to you because
I'm worried about nuclear war.

I hear there are enough bombs
to blow up the world 100 times

and it scares me.

It scares the girls
in my cadet troop, too.

They talk about what they
want to be if they grow up,

not when they grow up.

That's why I'm asking you
to please unplug your bombs.

I'll bet my bottom dollar,
or in your case, your bottom ruble,

that if you called President
Reagan, he'd do the same thing.

It's just someone has to be first.

Thank you.
Your friend, Rose Nylund.

P.S.

[Laughs]

Don't call the president in the
afternoon. That's when he takes naps."

Honey, that was really beautiful.

It's a shame that more people
don't think like nine year olds.

- [Chuckling] Oh.
- [Phone rings]

Hello?

Yes, she is. Rose, for you.

Hello?

Yes.

It's the president!

Yes, Mr. President.

[Breathing nervously]
Thank you.

Goodbye.

The president loved my letter!

I've got to write this down
in my diary right now.

I just figured out what I'm
gonna do for the talent contest.

- What, Sophia?
- What?

My Reagan impression.