All language subtitles for The Golden Girls - 03x05 - Nothing to Fear But Fear Itself.

(music) Thank you for being a friend

(music) Traveled down the road and back again

(music) Your heart is true

(music) You're a pal and a confidant

(music) And if you threw a party

(music) Invited everyone you knew

(music) You would see

(music) The biggest gift would be from me

(music) And the card attached would say

(music) Thank you for being a friend (music)

Hi, Ma.

- What are you making?
- History.

You finally perfected
your non-rolling meatball?

Just because you have a chin
doesn't mean you're Jay Leno.

Ooh, what smells so good in here?

Besides me?

Lasagna ala Sophia.

I made it for the Daughters
of Italy cooking contest.

[Sniffing]

All right, all right.
You twisted my arm.

- It's good.
- It's delicious.

It's garbage.

No, what are you talking about?

You can't fool me. I watched your faces.

- Neither one of you got the look.
- What look?

The look that every cook
knows and dreams about.

The look of total instant pleasure.

Your father put that look
on my face once.

That's nice, Ma.

Nice? I said once.

We were married 52 years.

- The mail's here.
- Rose, what's wrong?

Oh, nothing. It's just a letter I got.

- It's bad news.
- Oh, that's eerie.

I had the same feeling.

My Aunt Gretchen
in Fort Lauderdale died.

- Oh, Rose.
- Honey, I'm sorry.

Were you close to Aunt Gretchen?

No, I couldn't stand her.

Wait a minute, Rose.

Honey, if you didn't like your
aunt, why are you so upset?

Because I have to speak at her funeral.

I'm terrified of speaking
in front of people.

It's my biggest fear in the world.

Why can't somebody else speak?

Generptionloken.

It's a family tradition.

It means the oldest niece
has to give the eulogy.

Well, not literally.

Literally, it's a herring poacher
you can wear as a sun visor.

The family got together and they
decided that was close enough.

Rose, I take it that
no member of your family

was ever a returning
champion on Jeopardy.

Anyway, that's why I have to speak.

How I've dreaded this day
coming. I just can't do it!

Rose, calm down. Honey, now listen.

I know an easy way to get through this.

The way to relax when you have
to speak in front of a group

is to imagine what they
all look like naked.

- Really?
- [Dorothy] Yep.

And if you do it right, you'll
probably even start to laugh.

[Dorothy] Hi, Ma.
Hey, what is that smell?

The sweet smell of success.

It's my new entry
in the cooking contest.

Veal parmesan, my luckiest dish.

It saved my marriage once.

Ma, you gonna tell a story?

Please, does Heifetz rosin a bow?

This is a tearjerker.

Picture this.

New York City, 1931. The Depression.

Your father and I are newlyweds.

One rainy night,
we have our first fight.

He says he's leaving, I say fine.

He goes out the door, I start to cook.

A few hours later, he comes back.

He says he couldn't find a cab.

We eat in silence.

Halfway through, I look up.
He's got tears in his eyes.

He tells me,
"This meal is like our marriage."

The veal is like him,
tough and stubborn.

The tomato sauce is like me,
hot and spicy.

And the mozzarella is like our love:

It stretches but it never breaks.

Ma, that's lovely, but I don't
see what luck had to do with it.

You were conceived that night,
Dorothy.

Ma...

What's lucky is your father never knew

or he never would
have eaten my veal again.

Oh, honey, now you'll just do fine.

No, I won't.

I remember the last time
I tried to give a speech.

I was in high school.
You wanna hear about it?

Would you follow us if we
tried to make a run for it?

Yes.

It was my high school graduation.

- I was valedictorian.
- You were valedictorian?

Yes. I was fourth out
of 19 graduating seniors.

- Anyway...
- [stammering] Wait a minute.

Rose, if you were fourth, how
were you chosen valedictorian?

The same way every high school
chooses the valedictorian.

We drew straws.

And you picked the biggest one.

I don't like to brag...

Anyway, the topic of my speech

was "There's a big world out there

but you have to change buses
in Tyler's Landing to see it."

Graduation day came
and everybody was there.

The mayor was there, his wife,

old Johannson, young Johannson,
big and little Gustav,

the Stringmeyer twins, fat Jerry...

Will you get to the point, Rose?

The point is I choked.
Roped out, froze on the spot.

Since then, I've never been able
to speak in front of a crowd.

I say next time, we try and outrun her.

Listen. You're not the only
one who's gone through this.

I had a phobia too.

You, Dorothy?
You were afraid of something?

Big, old, strong,
strapping thing like you?

Who am I, Joe Frasier?

I had a fear of flying, Rose.

And my sister, Gloria,
got married in California.

Course I had to go.
So I got myself some therapy.

And it worked.

It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Everybody is afraid of something.

What are you afraid of, Blanche?

Nothing.

You're a real team player,
aren't you, Blanche?

I'm not afraid of anything now.
But I sure used to be.

Not a phobia, exactly,
but something just as bad.

A recurring dream.

Night after night,
I had this awful dream

that I was trapped in an
enclosed space full of men.

Now what could that mean?

- Let's give this a second.
- Now, wait a minute.

There's more to it.

All the men were bald.

Just me and a bunch of bald men.

Oh, and I kept hearing the voice of God.

Anyway, one day I just
finally said to myself:

"Blanche, you are bigger than this.

You don't have to succumb to any dream.

Unless it involves meeting
Mel Gibson at an oyster bar."

And just like that it stopped.

Mind over matter, you can
do the same thing, Rose.

- I don't know.
- [Dorothy] Oh, come on.

Of course you can. Think positively.

That's right. Listen, why don't
you go to your room now

and start working on your
speech and in a while

you can try it out in front
of me and Dorothy, okay?

- Okay.
- Yes, go on. Go on!

Go on.

I'm gonna tell you something.

I'm sure glad I am not in her shoes.

Oh, I'd hate to have to give a eulogy.

What if it was my eulogy?

- What?
- What if you were giving

a eulogy for me? What would you say?

- Oh, come on, Blanche.
- I'm serious, Dorothy.

What would you say?

Well, I... I guess I'd say that

you were a lovely generous person.

And, you know,
one of the best friends I ever had.

Nothing about my looks.

Well, I'd say that you were one
of the prettiest friends...

- "One of'?
- "The," Blanche.

The prettiest.

What would you say about me?

- Dorothy, come on.
- I told you, you can tell me.

All right.

Well, I would say

I always felt safe
having you in the house.

And...

I would say I always
enjoyed talking to you

when I'd come home from
one of my numerous dates.

And...

I would say I always looked up
to you like an older sister.

Thank you, Blanche.

Oh, and I forgot one thing.

I would also say you're fat.

I'm ready to practice my eulogy.

Blanche, if you'll
stand by the barbecue.

- That's where Aunt Lib will be.
- Where should I be?

Right there. That's where
Uncle Gunther will be.

Oh, and it would help if you'd hum.

Is that part of the Viking funeral?

No, Uncle Gunther just hums a lot.

If he has something important
to say he spells it out in salt.

Unless he's quoting
a song by the Four Tops.

- Then he spells it out...
- [Both] In pepper.

Rose, can we just get
on with the speech?

Okay. Um...

Friends, family,

Aunt Gretchen was a special person.

She...

She...

What's the point? I can't do it.

- Of course you can, Rose.
- You were doing just fine.

That's because you were here.

Tomorrow, I'll be out there all
alone, staring at my relatives,

who'll be ready to hoot and snicker
at the first crack in my voice.

They'll think I'm an idiot.

Please, it's family.

They know you're an idiot.

There's only one way I'm
gonna get through this.

If you two will come with me
to the funeral for support.

Oh, will you do it? Please,
Blanche. Please, Dorothy.

- Please, Blanche.
- I will if Dorothy will.

Please!

If you really think it'll help,
Rose, of course we'll do it.

Oh, thank you. You are the
best friends I've ever had.

Before I lose the nerve,

I better make the plane reservations.

Did she say "plane reservations"?

I thought her aunt lived
in Fort Lauderdale.

She did, big mouth. But she's
being buried in the Bahamas

where she spent her winters.

Damn. I don't have one thing
in black that isn't see-through.

Boy, Dorothy, it's good you
got over your fear of flying.

- [Laughing] Oh, right.
- The way you used to carry on.

- Oh.
- Remember when we went

to your Uncle Michael's
wedding in Arizona?

Before we boarded the plane,

you threw yourself on the
ground, kicking and screaming.

- It was a little embarrassing.
- I'll say. You were 48.

Well, it's all behind me now.

I tell you, I really feel
very comfortable on planes.

Good, you'll probably have to take
a dinky little plane to the Bahamas.

They flutter, they shimmy,
they wobble...

You got a lot of guts, Dorothy.

- I'm proud of you.
- Oh, thanks, Ma.

Please don't let them take me!

What are you reading?

I'm checking the
weather in the Bahamas.

It's gonna be in the upper 80's
with a nice gentle breeze.

So with that outdoor service,
we'll come away with healthy color.

Aunt Gretchen always loved the sun.

Well, maybe they'll
have an open casket.

Girls, I have some bad news.

I am not gonna be
able to go with you.

- Why not?
- It's Ma.

She's sick. I'm gonna have
to take her to the hospital.

- Oh, no.
- Wait a minute.

She left for that cooking
contest about ten minutes ago.

She called. She had a bad
cannoli when she got there.

Right now, she's
doubled over with cramps,

crying out with pain,

and making the most spectacular
comeback since Dennis Hopper.

Are you all right, Sophia?

Of course I'm all right.

Halfway to the contest
I realized I forgot the wine.

- For your mussels marinara?
- No, for me.

I always drink wine during cooking
contests and my sister Sam.

Dorothy, Sophia's not sick.

She didn't eat a bad cannoli.

Whoever called and said that was
just making the whole thing up.

Rose, Dorothy made the whole thing up.

She doesn't want to go with us.

- But you promised you'd go.
- I know, that's what I said.

All I can say now is... tough!

I'm not getting on that plane
and you can't make me.

Well, then I'm not going either.

Oh, I don't believe my ears.

Girls! The entire purpose of this trip
is to conquer our fears.

Why, if we back out now, that'd
mean our fears have conquered us.

[Blanche] I will not allow that.
We're gonna march out that door

right now, like the strong
confidant women I know we are.

Chins up, chests out, buttocks tight.

I know "buttocks tight"
has nothing to do with it,

it just looks good.

Buttocks tight, I said.

Buttocks tight!

Oh, forget it.

I'm so proud of you.
You're just doing beautifully.

Nobody would dream you
have a fear of flying.

Unless they happen to glance
at the bruises on my forearm.

You think you could hold on
to something else for a while?

Oh, of course, honey, I'm sorry.

Oh!

- I meant like the arm rest.
- Oh.

Look, girls.

I found this bolt in the aisle.
Where do you think it goes?

With me, off this plane.

- What was that?
- Them shutting the door.

They shut the door?

[Attendant] Afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen.

My name is Candy.

I'll be your flight hostess.

Please review the information
cards in your seat pockets

for the safety information
in the unlikely event

- of a mishap during our flight.
- Mishap? What does she mean...

- What does she mean by mishap?
- Like, bad movies

or cold food or running out of ice.

- Running out of gas...
- Oh, my God.

- God.
- Will you just calm down?

- Drink champagne.
- I don't like champagne.

- Go ahead, it might relax you.
- Oh.

Didn't make me relaxed.
Just makes me wanna burp.

We burp and the pressure
in the cabin will change

and we'll fly into a mountain.

That would be a good
example of a mishap.

Rose, do me a favor,
fasten your seat belt.

Over your mouth!

Why don't we use
our time constructively

and work on your eulogy.
What are you planning to say?

I don't know.

I'll probably start out talking
about Aunt Gretchen, the person.

She was always a very rigid person.

Especially now.

I'm sorry, Rose. I guess that maybe
that champagne did relax me.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God,
girls, oh, my God, look!

What, Blanche, what?

Look, all the men
on this plane are bald!

It's all right, Blanche.
The captain just turned off

the "no bald men" sign.

I am talking about
my recurring dream. Remember?

I'm trapped in an enclosed
space full of bald men.

Well, I didn't tell you the rest of it.

All those bald men and I are on a plane
and we fly into the ocean.

Oh, come on now, Blanche.

You're behaving just as crazy as we are.

- It's just a coincidence.
- [Attendant] Ladies and gentlemen,

be sure your seat belts
are securely fastened

in preparation for the take off.

And if anyone found a big bolt,
please return it to me.

[Stammering] It came off
the beverage cart.

Yes, that's it. The beverage cart.

Dorothy, it is not a coincidence.

It is my nightmare and it's coming true.

Don't be silly, Blanche.
Not all of it's coming true.

- You haven't heard the voice of God.
- That's right, Blanche.

[Loudspeaker] Ladies and
gentlemen, this is Captain Lord.

I hope you enjoy your flight.

- Dorothy...
- We made a rule.

No talking, it shakes the plane.

I just had to say one thing.

If Blanche is right, and we
are gonna die this afternoon,

- I'm glad we're together.
- Yes, that's very comforting.

Now, shut up.

I know what you mean, Rose.

We have had some very
special times together.

[Gasps] Like the time
there was that hurricane

and all the power
went out for two days

and we huddled together to keep
warm and sang campfire songs

- and told stories.
- Oh, yeah.

And Rose admitted that Charlie
was the only man she ever slept with.

And you admitted Stan was the
only man you ever slept with.

And I admitted my shoe size
was really five and a half.

I wish we had more time together.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute,
what are we doing?

The flight has been perfectly smooth.

There hasn't been a hint of turbulence.

[Loudspeaker] This is Captain Lord.
Looks like we're running

right into the IT of a tropical storm.

I'm a dead woman.

Unfortunately, that means
we're going to turn around

and return to Miami.
I'm sorry for the inconvenience.

Did you hear that, girls?
We're saved.

- What do you mean?
- That part wasn't in my dream.

The dream's broken.
We're going back to Miami.

- We're gonna be all right.
- Not me.

Well, you two faced your fears.
Dorothy got on the plane,

you faced your dream,
I didn't give my speech.

Give it now. Yeah.

Yes. Go on. Now,
you wrote it, you give it.

Go on, you can do it.

Uh... everyone?

I was supposed to speak
at a funeral this afternoon,

and now I can't, but I'd still like to
give my speech, if no one minds.

I wrote some things down
but I'd just rather talk.

Uh, the funeral was
for my Aunt Gretchen.

I didn't know her well. The only
thing I remembered about her

is she used to scare me.

Jumping out of my closet at night,

putting false fangs in her mouth,

sometimes baying at the moon.

Now her dying scares me.

But there's a good part
to being scared.

You get to know who
your friends are.

They're the ones who
help you not be scared.

Maybe that's what Aunt Gretchen
was trying to do all along.

Help me not be scared.

I think so.

Goodbye, Aunt Gretchen.

Take a seat, lady.

This isn't the Copacabana.

- Rose, that was beautiful.
- It was, it truly was.

[Loudspeaker] Ladies and gentlemen,
this is Captain Lord again.

If you all look out the left
side of our aircraft, it'll tip over.

Sorry, just a little small
airplane pilot humor.

Hi, Ma.

What the hell are you doing home?

Ma, let's not get all mushy.

You chickened out, didn't you?

No, we went, or at
least we started to.

Halfway there we ran
into a tropical storm

so we had to turn around
and come back.

And the plane was
entirely full of bald men.

They were all former Mr. Cleans on
their way to a reunion in the Bahamas.

So, tell us about the cooking contest.

The competition was fierce.

It came down to my mussels marinara,

and Louise Pallito's chicken cacciatore.

Louise Pallito?
Isn't she the one who brags

about being Al Capone's
piano teacher?

True. 103 years old.

Anyway, the judges voted.

It was a flat-footed tie.

That's when it went into sudden death.

And?

I just told you, it was sudden death.

Louise couldn't take it.
She keeled over. Kaput!

The funeral is on Saturday.

- Sophia, that's terrible.
- You think that's bad?

Guess who I volunteered
to give the eulogy?