All language subtitles for The Beach Bum 2019 eng

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Un poquito albino...

...my little angel pussy.

Nobody? Anybody?

Moondoggy!

Best part of the city
of Key West, Florida.

The most prolific
poet of Key West, Florida.

I'm gonna throw some fresh lines at you from
a little poem I am working on right now.

Last night...

when I went to bed in Havana,

I was thinking about you,

I was thinking about you.

And I got up about 4:00 a.m.,
and I had to take a piss, as guys do,

and I looked down at my dick.

And I had such affection
in my heart when I did...

knowing that it had been
inside you twice today...

...made me feel... beautiful.

That's what I got. Have a great night.
Chase the moon.

Fish on!

Moondog
is going to go get dinner.

- Moby Dick, ladies!
- Whoa, Moondog!

I'm going to need a bigger boat!

Yes!

See that? They don't even
make these anymore.

I'm looking for something
a little more earthbound.

Big-breasted, no scars.

Just like you. Just like you.
Just like you.

She won't have me
unless I put a ring on it.

Before I accept whatever award
they're giving me today,

I'll start with a little bit
of poetic foreplay.

I wrote this
in the wilds of Kentucky.

I didn't have peach fuzz
over my pecker at the time.

I was surrounded by inbreds,
rednecks, juveniles, limp dicks.

All that time, I was 14,
it's a little poem I wrote,

that I was always like to read first because
it takes me back to such a pure place.

Okay...

One day,
I will swallow up the world...

And when I do,
I hope you all perish violently.

Thank you. How about another
from Mr. Jimmy Buffett?

Hey, hey!

Hey, hey, what's shaking,
little ginger goat?

I miss you.

I miss you too, sweetie.

It's boring here without you.

I know, right?
I can only imagine.

I need you back here in Miami.
I need my husband.

Civilization...

Come on.
I need help with the wedding.

Well, I mean, do you really?

Heather and I need you
to come back home.

You know my home is down here
in the Keys with all the burn-outs.

I'm a bottom feeder. I got to go
low to get high. You know that.

No. It's here and we have so many
friends and guess who's coming?

They're your friends.
I don't have any friends.

Yes, you do. Well, at least
they pretend to be your friends.

You know what?
Ray just popped over.

- Moondog, what it do?
- Is that the Lounger, one and only?

You already know it, man. I just stopped by
to drop off some roses to your lovely wife.

To keep it pushing,
you understand, boss?

I wish you could see Heather.
My goodness, she is just glowing...

- Glowing?
- ...about the wedding, baby.

Why is she glowing?

Because she's so in love.

Shit,
you scared me for a minute.

But what does she
know about love, anyway?

She's 16 years old.
She doesn't know what love is.

- She's too young to get married.
- She's 22, Moondog.

22, whatever.

I mean, besides,
she's marrying such a limp dick.

You're probably right.
Bye, boo-boo, I love you.

Lounger.

Moondog, until we
meet again, bad moon rising.

I think it's time to go home.

I missed you, my love.

Yeah, one more shot, baby!

Did you miss me?

- I got it. I got it. I got it.
- Honey.

- Look at you.
- No, you've been gone too long.

- Look at you.
- You have to woo me.

Woo-woo-doo, did you miss me?

My God.

I forgot how rich we were.

Yeah. You did forget, Moondog.

I missed all ten of you.

That's so good. God.

You're never going
to write that new book, honey.

- I'm having lunch with my agent today.
- God!

We will be going over the new book.
It is not written yet.

Of course not.

I think this is going
to be a big one, baby.

Well, make sure
it doesn't take too long.

I want everything to go perfectly
for Heather's wedding today.

I'm so fucking on time.
I'm the last guy you gotta worry about.

No, sweetie, seriously,
you cannot be late.

Okay?
Because you just can't.

- Okay.
- I'm not going to be late, sweetie.

I forgot to tell you that I
invited your mother to the wedding.

Heather is not wearing
the white dress.

She's going with the
oyster one with the pearls.

You can go, Akiko.

- Thank you, ma'am.
- That's right. Right there, honey.

Moondog!

It's so nice of Ray to let us
have the wedding at his place.

He's really pulled out
all the stops.

Lingerie Doggy Dog?

He got ordained
just for the event.

Dearly beloved.

No, I wouldn't say that shit
like that.

Players and playettes.

Today, we have this man
coming for this woman.

Bitch, you know you're too young
to be married, right?

You got a lot of livin' to do,
baby.

Ain't nobody made your little
pink twitter squirt yet?

You need to settle down somewhere
and run for the motherfucking hills.

Shit, I got sidetracked
for a minute.

Putt!

It breaks my heart, Moondog,
breaks my heart,

'cause you
a motherfucking has-been, boy.

Whatever the fuck that is.

- Is that a bad thing?
- Goddamn it's a bad thing, Moondog.

As your forever agent, I feel obliged
to be truthful with you at all times.

- You're a shitty agent.
- It's sad, Moondog.

You used to be a motherfucking
ATM for me, boy.

You have pissed away your talent on
women and booze and total excess.

Now you're talking.

Yeah, all those things,
that's what feeds the juices

up here my nugget, man,
through my loins up the Autobahn,

my spirit and mind, man.

I'm... I'm moist right now,
I'm lubricating.

You're the fastest horse
in my stable, boy.

You think I wanna take
a motherfucking shotgun,

put it in your mouth, blow your brains
all over my nice, motherfucking clothes?

That's the fucking Lewis
I'm talking about.

You think I wanna do that?
You was a revolutionary writer.

You were a radical.
Your words meant something to people.

Either way, it's a good thing
I'm rich, Lewis.

Especially since I'm well hung.

You ain't rich, Moondog.
Your wife's rich.

That's true.

And it's been a while since I had you
in them, but you ain't well hung, boy!

- You ain't well hung!
- Get in there!

Goddamn!

San Francisco standoff, baby?

I read in The Pelican today Heather's
getting married. It's a big day.

Yeah, this afternoon
handing her off.

Well, congratulations.

And you know what?
I worked through it,

and I'm not even upset, even a little bit,
that I was not included in the ceremonies.

You thought
you'd be included?

No, well, like I said,
I'm busy, anyway,

so like I said,
I'm not offended.

And I just want to be clear,
this doesn't have to do...

with the incident
a few years back.

When you walked in
and saw that...

I didn't know
she was changing.

She said you stayed a little
longer than a few seconds.

Well, I used to mix signals back then.

It was a confusing time.
I would misread things often.

Whatever raises your skirt,
man. It never bothered me.

Well, I'm busy, regardless,
so I could not attend,

even if you... if people
had a change of heart.

- I-I, um, have other obligations.
- Sweet as, man.

- Yeah.
- Hey, here's your ball, man.

Let's knock this fucker back to
the fair and get a good line.

- Name is?
- Chardan.

Now, how does that say Chardan
all the way up in a weird line?

Do you know
what my horoscope said?

Don't play with matches.

You don't have to,
because the fire is already lit, sweetie.

That veil is fire.
You got a lot of great things going on

all over your B-O-D-Y
right now.

- I got a leopard.
- Leopard?

- Yeah.
- I've got volcano orange.

I love you.
You're so crazy.

What are you making
back there, a salad?

Are you making a burger
back there?

- Hello.
- Moondog. Where are you?

Yeah! Yeah!

Hey, baby,
right around the corner.

Finishing up a little yoga class.
Downward-doggie style.

You are gonna miss
our daughter's wedding.

I wouldn't miss it
for the world.

I'm right around the corner, honey.
Pulling in the driveway any second.

The limp-dick groom
is melting down.

- Okay, hurry up, please.
- You're stressing me. - I love you, baby.

- I'm on my way.
- Okay. The wedding is starting.

Lingerie, let's hit it, baby.

Love between a boy
and a girl can be so wonderful.

Especially when it's the girl that
I've known ever since she was born.

Heather, you know I love you
and I love your family

and I'm so happy
to see you get married today.

To him.

And you gotta be ready to take on
everything that she stands for.

What are you doing?

Bye, Mom.

I'm just kidding.

Sweetie, that's not my mom.
You know that.

How are you?

May I borrow that, Lounge?

Sir. Yes, sir.

All right. Everyone knows
this is my daughter.

Me and my Minnie-Boo's daughter.

Aw!

I'm gonna be handing away
the bride-to-be right now.

A little family tradition we got before
we hand over a daughter in our family.

We gotta...

...check the package.

- What are you doing?
- You understand, it's not bad.

Like, five inches flaccid.

Mr. Ray, your mic, sir.
Thank you.

Pardon the interruption.

We'd like to thank Mr. Moondog
for that presentation.

Today, dearly beloved,
we come together

to give Heather
to Mr. Limpy.

You have one motherfucking
problem with this family.

They fucked up.

Is that
the motherfucking Moondog?

The one and only paw me.
Yeah, Longet.

Moondog, be careful. This here...
I can't even explain it.

This is like a hallucinogenic.
See all kinds of shit, man.

My number one jam, you know, the single
that was number one for 16 weeks.

This is that thing. Wait, wait, wait.

Be careful, dog You're about to go
to a place you never been before.

That shit don't come
with seat belts.

He almost ruined the whole day.

Don't say that. No, it was fun.

He's fucked up, Mom.

- It's just Moondog.
- Don't make excuses for him.

You just kind of have to accept
that he's from another dimension.

He really is.

And you have to love him for it.
I do.

You and limp dick are
gonna have to accept that.

No, but I do think Moondog's
mother coddled him way too much.

I've told her this before. I mean,
he wore a diaper until he was eight.

Honestly, I think she put brandy
in his little bottle.

Man, I'm high. My nuts
are throbbing right now.

First time I hit this shit,
I nearly went into a coma.

I forgot
how to motherfucking breathe.

What do you see?

The delights of 39 ladies.

What about those cartoons
right there? Can you see them?

Are we looking
at the same screen?

- Are you sleeping with Lingerie?
- Yes. Yes.

And he's a wonderful lover.

Does Dad know?

Your father wouldn't mind, darling.
Your father goes away. You know, Ray is...

Um, I think it was just,
Ray's been there, I mean...

At your third birthday, it was
Ray who brought the pony in.

I remember.
And he blew out my candles.

Exactly. Well, he was stoned.

What's happening
down here, Captain?

Just fuck with me one time, dog.
You are going to love it.

Slide in
with your ride in, dog.

What the fuck?

Moondog, welcome to the NASA
command center of Mary Jane.

This shit only grows in an isolated pond in Jamaica.

It sprouts out of
a pink fluorescent moss patch.

Pink fluorescent?

This weed here is so good, it can make
a motherfucker yearn for the afterlife.

It could send you
to the outer limits of humanity.

That's the keys
and the trees to my success.

Because once a year,
I fly to Jamaica,

throw a concert
in a big, old park.

Bribe the government.

They turn their cheek this way,
and we fly off that way.

Get down.

You won't remember this
but the day you were born,

when you came out of your mother's
womb, I was there between her legs.

And your head came out nice
and smooth with guts all over.

It was a bloody mess
but it was poetry.

I saw your face
but I didn't quite see your eyes

until I stuck my pinky finger
in this like placenta veil

and peeled it back over
your face and there you were.

And that's when I put my hands on both sides
of your head and escorted you into this world.

Aw!

I want to say...
What's your name again?

- For real.
- Frank.

- Frank.
- Frank Upink.

Now...

I give you my daughter to put your hands,
and take her into the rest of the world.

- Aww... beautiful.
- Thank you.

Shit.

In the dusk,
you see that woman.

She is singing to us, calling us
back over the vistas of our past,

right back to our child
hunched under the piano...

sitting in the boom,
and the tinkling strings.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's got his hand on it.

On the foot of his mother.

And she smiles...

as she sings.

And in spite of myself,

the insidious mastery
of the song

has betrayed me back
once again...

to the heart of me,
where I weep to belong.

That is the most brilliant
shit I've ever heard.

You wrote that?

Yeah, I did.

- That is some wild shit, dog.
- Glad you like it, man.

I wrote that
in my younger years.

Actually, D. H.
Lawrence wrote it. All right?

But I stole and plagiarized it for
my seventh-grade poetry contest.

And guess what?

I won that motherfucker.

- Moondog, you my motherfucker.
- Hey, hey.

Family and friends...

thank you for coming and sharing
this perfect day with us.

This day has been
off the hook, am I right?

Heather, you're my angel.

Thanks.

- Where have you been?
- Waiting for you.

Have you seen Moondog, darling?

No, I haven't. But what I do know is
when I don't see him and I see you,

that means
there's more time for us.

Wow.

You need some help, man?

Sir, are you okay?

You know, I knew...

I knew
Minnie was fucking Lingerie.

Sometimes
you just know... Just know...

You don't have an explanation.

Like you two. You probably
just knew, right?

What tricks of the trade
have you got going on?

Moondog!

Hey, hey, hey, Minnie-Minnie
Boo-Boo. Minnie-Boo.

I knew I'd find you here,
darling.

You are fucking stunning.

God was having a good fucking
day when he made the Minnie-Boo.

I think it's their anniversary
and if it's not, it ought to be.

Happy anniversary!

Sweetie, don't be insincere with strangers.
It doesn't look good on you.

- Let's go driving.
- You wanna go driving?

- Let's go!
- Let me grab my beer.

Happy anniversary.

I remember
when I was a little girl,

our house caught on fire,

I'll never forget the look
on my father's face,

as he gathered me up in his arms and raced
to the burning building on the pavement.

And I stood there,
shivering in my pajamas,

and watched the whole world
go up in flames,

and when it was all over
I said to myself,

is that all there is to a fire?

Is that all there is?

And then I fell in love
with the most wonderful boy in the world.

We'd take long walks
down by the river.

Or just sit for hours
gazing into each other's eyes.

We were so very much in love.

And then one day, he went away,

and I thought I'd die
but I didn't,

and when I didn't,
I said to myself,

is that all there is to love?

I know what you
must be saying to yourselves.

If that's the way she feels about
it, why doesn't she just end it all?

No, not me.

I'm not ready
for that final disappointment.

Because I know,

as sure as I am standing here
talking to you,

when that final moment comes and
I'm breathing my last breath,

I'll be saying to myself...

Where's Minnie?

Airbag deployed.
Possible chest trauma.

Keep the C-collar in place,
please.

How much has she been prepped?

- Hey.
- Hey. Hey.

Hey, there.

Aw.

What do you want to do?

- I...
- What do you want to do?

You're such a fuck-up.

And to Almighty God
we commend the soul

of our departed sister,

and we commit her body
to the ground.

Earth to earth,
ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

Minnie was a fine woman,

and we, her family and friends,
are blessed to have known her.

In the fullness of time,
with the help of the good Lord,

we shall all be with her again.

Until that time, may
the blessings of God Almighty...

How are you doing, honey?

I'm okay. I'm okay. How are you?

"When I was born, I was happy.

I was born on the ocean a gigantic boat.
Big fucking boat.

My parents were fishermen.

Both were
great long-distance runners.

I was read to as a child,

mostly books about survival
and contortion.

I drank off the teats
of caribou, scrumptious,

tasted like jasmine
and cupcakes..."

Fucking good, Moondog.

"I lived through several wars.
They were never fun.

Why? Because I was shot at.

But I fucking returned fire.

I wrote letters to loved ones
and memorized..."

"...stared in the mirror.

I did what I had to do...
to keep going."

Damn, I was good.

That's great poetry.

Come on,
what's nothing mean?

Nothing. That's what it means.
Not a single cent until...

Until what?

You gotta publish your novel
or you get nothing.

Minnie always had a feeling
she was going to die before you.

She used to call me up in a panic
because someone did her tarot cards.

Predicted it all, freaked her
out but she was right, I guess.

Her will is very precise.

Minnie had a will.

Motherfucker. That's weird.

Yes, she did.

She was concerned that if
anything ever happened to her,

you'd piss away her family's
fortune and she wanted you

to finally publish your novel.

Poems.

- Whatever.
- I write poetry, you old bitch.

Until then half of everything
goes to Heather,

and the other half of yours
sits frozen in escrow

for a bit of time until you fulfill
the requirements stated here.

It's about time
you guys got here.

I need some help
carrying my luggage.

Come in and kick off your shoes.

Effective immediately, you can go back
to your home, and get your typewriter

and some crappy underwear
but that's it.

You're now persona non grata.

Minnie owned everything.
Everything was in her name.

You're now basically a bum.
She owned the cars, clothes,

houses,
country-club memberships.

- Cats and dogs.
- She did not own all the cats.

Minnie loved you very much.

She just hated seeing you
throw it all away.

Thank you, Minnie-Boo.

Fuck you, as well.

I mean, to be fair, there's a whole
lot of bad guys out there, right?

You guys are with me
in my wife's closet.

This is what you went to
the academy, though, for, right?

Shit like this. Look after guys
like me at times like this.

You never know when you're gonna
catch a fully dressed man unarmed.

I'm gonna wear
my Minnie-Boo's Uggs.

Wear them in her memory.

She had abnormally large feet.

Great fucking style.

See those books?

I wrote those.

You're probably not big readers,
are you?

That's cool, no pressure.

Alvarez,
I wrote that one for you.

Jose, I'm gonna take
a little leave of absence.

But I left you a little bush of
the sticky-icky that you like.

But I can't tell you
where it is.

These guys might go and try and smoke
it, but it's the same place as last time.

- Keep the pool hot.
- I put it on 120 for you.

That's what I'm talking about.

Keep it there, baby, and add the chlorine
'cause I may have a gangbang when I get back.

- I'll invite your mother.
- Thank you, Mr. Moondog.

Wish me luck. I'm off to
write the next great American novel.

Thank you, sir.

Mom did this for a reason.

I'm not
going to let you stay here.

Okay.

Dad...

- Sorry.
- How about just loaning me a little bit of spending cash?

So I can get by
for a week or two.

Dad, I just...

I'll be here for you but just
don't come back till you're ready.

I mean, I'm not asking
for the world here.

I'm just asking for a wee bit
of compassion for your father.

I know.
But when is it going to end?

You're gonna keep coming back and
ask me for more and more and more.

Dad, I love you
but I can't do that.

I just can't.

Just come back
when you're ready but...

Okay, I understand.

- I'm sorry.
- I understand.

Don't apologize to me.

You'll see, you'll see,
my little angel.

I'll be back.

Better than ever, back so good.

You're going to see that I was
never gone in the first place.

I love you, Dad. I'm sorry.

I love you.

I still don't understand how you
married this milk-drinking closet case.

I mean, look at him. He's got
no magic, he's got no style.

He's dressed up
like a J.V. cheerleader.

I had high hopes for you,
Heather. High fucking hopes.

Fuck off! Get out of here,
you fucking turd.

It's okay.

Sorry. He just makes me crazy.

He may be a jerk
but he's a great man.

He's brilliant.

I mean, you'll never be
great or brilliant.

You're dependable.

Well, thanks.

Float me enough cash to get back
down to the Keys

to buy the fun goodies that make me smile
and laugh all day. Is that so much to ask?

I can't do it for you, big papa.
I can't.

Because you know what, I been waiting
for ages and I ain't getting no pages.

I can't do it.

That's a good...
That's a good point.

It is a good point.

That's why I made it,
you dumb fuck.

I'm not asking you to part
the fucking Red Sea for me.

I'm asking for enough loot to set me up for a
few weeks here so I can have my daily goodies.

A little booze, a little weed,
a little poontang.

That is not asking too much.
And since you are saying you won't,

then do your fucking job
and just get me a gig, you know?

Fuck, I'll speak anywhere.

Set me up at a church, public
library, a retirement home...

Mapco! They can pump their gas and they hear
me through the little speakers up there.

The little aluminum thing.

My God. Call my motherfucking chiropractor.
My back is gonna be fucked up tomorrow.

Fucking, I'm not even sure...

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, is friendship
about, I need something from you?

Do you do you understand
what I'm talking about?

Civility.

- Yes!
- Make complete sense, man.

I have real clients
up for literary awards.

I'm sending faxes at my office.

Hello?

This motherfucker
hung up on me. My God!

What's going on, guys?

Hey, is Lounger in?

- No.
- Lingerie is not in?

- No.
- Where is he?

Jamaica.

The magical stoner.

I get your drift, man.
Your silence is code with me.

So what's with the guns?

You guys ever watched
Magnum P.I.?

It's based on my life.

I watch it all the time.
It's like looking in the fucking mirror.

All right, catch you later.

Hey, let him know
Moondog came by.

The wind, the rain, the stars,
the bird, the clock will answer you.

Get drunk, good man.

Get drunk, and stay drunk.

Is that poetry?

Of course it's poetry, you toothless,
illiterate chump. It's Baudelaire.

- Here's a poem.
- Come on.

It goes...

Not bad, Phil, not bad at all.

Hey,
who wants to go on a field trip?

This your car here?

Why did you destroy your own house?

Boredom, I guess. I don't know.

Dad. What is wrong with you?

I'm fine.

I'm really better than fine.

This is another little adventure
we are on.

When did you become
such a Republican?

Republican?

- Whatever.
- My God.

I'm just getting my groove on.
Having a little fun.

- Your groove?
- Yeah.

- What groove?
- Honey, whoa...

When was the last time
you laughed, honey?

Do the thing. See if you can
make my baby laugh.

Hi, Heather,
I am Toothless Phil.

I am a good friend
of your daddy.

We want you to be happy. We
love you just the way you are.

Who's your daddy? Moondog's
your daddy. He loves you.

Back again?

Your choice, prison or rehab.

Is there a third option?

- Nope. Last chance.
- Rehab, it is.

Preferably somewhere tropical.

I'm remanding you
to the custody of your daughter.

She will escort you
to a rehab facility now.

Great.

You need to spend
a mandatory 12 months there,

- getting your life back together.
- Twelve days is not a problem.

Twelve months.

Okay.

It all stops now.

- The foolishness.
- I understand.

I need a change of pace.
Yeah, yeah.

And if you mess this up,
it's jail time.

If I may suggest, Your Honor...

Tell 'er, Moondog!

I was told of this amazing rehab
facility in the Virgin Islands.

It's got an open bar
and 24-hour Thai massage.

An old jerky jerk could take the
edge off during the detox period.

Drain the old jizz pipe
of the antitoxins.

- Excuse me?
- With all due respect to my own

personal, fluid transition
into my sobriety,

I wanna let you know that the
therapeutic value of a groin massage

during the acute withdrawal
phase is off the charts.

- Fucking medicinal.
- It's not gonna happen.

- It's not gonna happen.
- Why you gotta be like that?

You know, I was a real fan
of your writing, Moondog.

Shut up.

You know, it amazes me how someone
that can write so beautifully

can be so crude and reckless.

Don't you be acting like you
never heard the rooster crow.

Don't let us down, Moondog.
We're rooting for you. Next.

Get him out of there.

Heather, my dear.
Would you be so kind

as to pull over and get
your old man one final beer?

Sure, Dad.

Give me a Lucky Lotto, Triple
Seven and a cigar, would you?

Sure.

- You don't sell acid, do you?
- No.

That's too bad.
This place used to.

Your mother loved me.

Yes, Dad.

- She said that?
- Of course.

- She think I was brilliant?
- She thought you were a genius.

She said that?

That's why she stayed with you
all those years.

And that's why you've always been
able to get away with everything, Dad.

Minnie-Boo.
She had an incredible ass.

Could fellate like a python. Fuck,
she could fellate a python if she wanted.

I'm gonna miss her.

Let's go to rehab.

I'll try and do better, okay?

Okay, you can do this.

Yeah. All right, Sunrise.

Let's get this party started.

Really wasn't up to me. Should
have heard the judge, man.

She swung a hard gavel.

She was a fan of mine too.

Which is kind of weird.

I mean, I wouldn't have come
down here like, you know,

if I didn't have a little bit
of a nudge, you know.

Well, this lady's very happy
that you're here.

We have your entire year
planned out.

So when you leave us,
you'll be a changed person.

God, grant me the serenity

to accept the things
I cannot change

and the courage to change
the things I can,

and the wisdom to know
the difference.

You guys are funny.

That's such bullshit.

You are
fucking talking to yourself.

What's up, everybody? My name
is J.C. Cramer. Third time here.

What? Who's repeating?
Who's repeating? You are.

Yeah. First time I was here,
I was drinking a lot.

So I decided to make myself
a better person.

I decided to come here.

When I got out, I was good
for about six months,

and my friends were like, "Dude,
you don't have to drink to have fun..."

My dad's a preacher. He's the
one that fucking put me in here.

Why?

Because he caught me
huffing paint a few times.

Also, I was breaking into people's
houses and just burning shit.

Like, nothing real bad.

I love lighting shit on fire.

I'm a tiger, bro.
It wasn't dangerous.

- Yeah.
- Nobody was home.

We didn't find out the kids
were upstairs until later.

If I wasn't there, they would've
fucking burned to death.

- I got 'em out.
- From the second floor?

- Yeah.
- With a ladder, and shit?

Yeah. No. I just went upstairs.

- That's cool.
- Yeah.

- What type of music is this?
- Christian fucking metal, man.

- Do you like it?
- I do.

The band is from Albuquerque. The lead
singer fucking blew himself up by accident.

Accident? Nice.

Fucking gone, dude,
just disappeared. Fucking weird.

How do you know these guys, man?

I was in a cover band. And
goddamn! We used to fucking...

...rock this shit.

I don't blame you, man,
this is good shit.

Do you think
about getting out of here?

Out there is the real world.

In here is the fake world.

All right?

Out there is beautiful.
Things really happen.

The seasons change, babies are
born, old men wither away and die.

The fucking sands of time.

Eloquently put, Flicker.

The choice is yours.

Sell me no more, man.
Let's blow this fucking joint.

That is real shit, bro!
Guess we go for time.

Fast into overdrive. Fucking
punch this shit, Bro. Go!

Fuck you!

Come on, baby, let's go.
Fucking freedom!

Like, can't you feel it,
brother?

Love is in the air. See,
things happen in the real world.

Look, we're at a wedding.
And my God, look at that boat.

Beautiful.

Beautiful! Congrats, man!

Get back here, asshole.

Have a great honeymoon.

You two look fucking fine.

We're free, man. You drove that golf
cart with the wings of God behind you.

Let's get up to a little
Devil's business before we get saved.

You know the best part
about the devil.

Fucking, he finds the fun.

And then we take Jesus and we just
ride him all the way to the top,

because the best part is, we can
do whatever the fuck we want.

Jesus already paid
for all our sins.

- Excuse me, thank you.
- Fuck you, pal.

Hey, do that flick thing you do.

Do it again.

- Moondog!
- Do you know what we need?

- What, what do we need?
- We need money, man.

Fucking money.

Goddamn it,
you're a fucking genius.

I know
where we can get some money.

- Where?
- Just follow me, my friend.

Cool.

Yo, Moondog!
Hold this! Hold this!

Watch this.

Boy. Hey, I'm sorry, man. You're gonna
be fine. We just need this money.

Don't want to be part
of this derelict behavior, man.

Derelict behavior?
What are you talking about?

- Christ already paid for all our sins...
- Come on, man, let's go!

Wait, hold on.

No, no, no, no.

Fuck, that was for him
when he wakes up, dude.

- Fuck that.
- Fucking A, man.

You know the best part about
God? Christ was even a sinner.

- So we clean, man.
- That's my money!

God, you're so beautiful.
I love you.

I love you.

Setting sun,
though the time has come,

I warble under you.

Well, no one else does.

Unmitigated adoration.

Hey, that was fucking beautiful.

I know, right. There she is,
shining on you, man.

- I'm outta here, man.
- I mean you. I mean you.

We're all the same.
Give me a hug, man.

- You leaving?
- Setting sail, man.

Yeah. Hey, that was the
most fun I had in a long time.

- Fuck, yeah.
- For real, brother.

For real, brother. You got
God on your shoulder, man.

Ain't that far down
if you don't look, right?

Hey, just promise me one thing.

Remember me.

Every time you think of my face,
you remember this.

This shines bright,
fucking real bright.

- You got it, tiger.
- Go spread that light.

Shine big, brother.

Hey. Asshole.

Aw, Jesus.

Guess who's back.

Hey!

- Place is good.
- What's up, man?

- It's pretty lunar these days, man.
- Good to see you.

Gotta tell you, Moondog, business
is so good, I bought a second boat.

- Yeah?
- Yeah. Named it Success.

I just take tourists
to the Outer Key.

When they see a dolphin,
I act all fucking stoked.

Right. There's a dolphin.
Look at the baby dolphin.

Tell him to dive in
and make sure they don't drown.

- I only had four deaths on my watch.
- Only four?

Four deaths in over eight
straight years of dolphin touring.

It's a terrific record.

Now, I've been stripped
of my license temporarily

on five separate occasions but each
time, I get it reinstated

due to a technicality
I never quite understood.

It is beyond luck.

Karma, man, I'm blessed, bruh.

Meant to be.

I've seen many in this industry.

They fucked with old Captain
Whack around these parts.

Don't fuck with Captain Whack.

You will get whacked
for fucking with Captain Whack.

Dolphins. I love
those fucking dolphins, man.

The sounds
that come out of their mouth...

They're trying
to communicate with you.

All you gotta do
is talk back to 'em.

I fell in love with dolphins ever since
I saw the show Flipper. Blew me away.

How they make that noise.

I'll tell you, I wouldn't
be able to live like this

if I wasn't fucking doing
dolphin tours.

I wouldn't have all this.

This is all from dolphin tours.

I've got something.
Get your ass...

There. We gonna fry
this motherfucker up.

Yes.

Gotta get your tastebuds ready.
Yeah. This is almost done.

Lookee here, Moondog.
You come work for me, man.

It would be great.

Dolphins are great, when they
go up and down in the water

like porpoise,
you'll learn that shit, man.

That sounds cool, Whack.

Yeah. I'm here now.

What the fuck?

- Fucking...
- Man, that shit's loaded.

Man! You could've killed
a dolphin, Moon Dog.

You want to shoot something, shoot this thing here.

This is what I used in 'Nam.

Shit, man.

Now I gotta feed
my coke-addicted parrot.

- Yeah, set him up.
- Give me some of this shit right here.

Yeah.

There you go.

She's gonna get high as shit.

But seriously, Moondog, I could use a partner
and I got a good sense about you, man.

- Like I say, I'm in.
- Yeah, man. Yeah.

We become millionaires
together, man.

- Shit, man. Looks good.
- Look how far I've come so far.

I like your style, Whack.

Look at that, see
the juices dripping off that?

- Man, that's gonna be good.
- Gonna be real good, man.

I like your swagger.

Thanks, Moondog.

Got nicked in 'Nam,
makes me walk like a pimp.

Some shrapnel partially shredded my nut
sack but everything still works fine.

Bop, bop, bop.

Well, usually, when people call and
say they coming for the dolphin tour,

they come and they pay cash,
right?

My bread and butter,
baby, my bread and butter.

So you can tell in the tone of their
voice, they're, like, serious.

Exactly. If they really
love the dolphins

and if they really want to see the dolphins,
you hear it in their voice, right?

See? That's right.

Come on over. Yes. Hi. Welcome.

Lots of dolphins for you today.
Yeah.

Act real stoked.
Act real stoked. Yeah!

- Welcome aboard.
- Welcome.

- What's your name, little lady?
- Lexie Lipschitz.

I knew it.
Hello, Miss Lipschitz.

- Hello.
- Dr. Lipschitz, call me Ted.

- All the Schitzes.
- One, two, three.

Listen up, everybody.
All right.

We're in the middle
of mating season.

If you see some humping,
don't look away.

It's cool, looking.

It's nature in all its glory.

Dolphins love to bone.

- My God.
- Listen up, kids!

Greatest guide in the history of dolphin
guiding, sharing wisdom with you.

- Thanks, Moondog.
- It's a fact. Now, what he failed to mention,

that these dolphins have got
a sort of corkscrew pecker.

All right. A little, whippy,
winding ranky-cank thing.

It's true, kids.
It's sort of like a corkscrew.

- People, look out.
- And it's orgy season.

So hopefully, we will get to see
something, some real wild stuff.

Everybody's fucking, they're really
horny this time of the season.

So watch your back, Carnello.

Some of them prefer redheads.

Is this thing safe?

Very safe. I wouldn't have you
on here if it wasn't safe.

Family, I just gotta tell you,
I love dolphins so much.

After today, you're gonna love
dolphins as much as I love dolphins.

They don't hurt you.

- They just want to love you...
- Dolphins know this man.

They come from all over the
world to come see Captain Whack.

- They're coming to see me.
- You guys get to be on his boat today.

All right, all right.

I see a few out there.

We have business.
Who wants to dive in?

No, we're good.

It's prime mating season.
Seaweed is an aphrodisiac.

I think they're getting
cold feet black, Whack.

All right.
Last chance, any takers?

- No...
- Y'all are a bunch of pussies.

Dolphins, here I come, baby.

Get... Get in!

Get in. This water's beautiful.

- Honey, look at the dolphins.
- Lots of dolphins, motherfuckers.

- Does that look right?
- Get in! The water's perfect!

You good, Whack? Are you good?

- Dolphins...
- Honey, honey, honey!

That doesn't
look like a dolphin fin.

Captain, that kinda looks
like a shark fin.

This must all be part of a show.

I'm having a great time.
It's perfect.

Come back, Mr. Whack!

What the fuck?

Fuck it, Whack! You put on a fucking show, man.

This ain't
no motherfucking dolph...

- Whoa, that's cool.
- When was the last time he cut his toenails, seriously?

- That's gnarly.
- Shit. Holy shit.

- Lord!
- Just a flesh wound. Don't worry!

Holy shit, where's my foot?

Fuck, Whack.
He got a pretty good, man.

Man. Couldn't have been
a fucking dolphin.

Can't believe this shit, man.

I'm pretty sure it wasn't a dolphin
that bit you, just look at your foot.

Listen, you're gonna be all right.
You're gonna be just fine.

I mean,
it's just a little flesh wound.

You're gonna be up dancing
in no time.

You going somewhere,
motherfucker?

Yeah, I am.

Trade you, though.

Foot for the hat?

Come on.

Here we go. Cool, man.

It's been real, Moondog.

It's been more than that.
It's been whack, Captain Whack.

See you down the road.

Look at what the Moondog
just sniffed out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Lounger!
Hey, Jimmy.

- I'm back.
- Moondog?

- Yeah. I'm back!
- Where the fuck you been, man?

You look like shit.

No, I look like I always look.

We're about to set sail.
Come fuck with us.

Let's go.

I think we need to look
at a positive ID on him.

Make sure the motherfucker
washes his feet.

Take your shoes off, dog, when
you get on the fucking boat.

Glad I came up on y'all, man.

You did, man, but you look like you
in some serious shit, though, dog.

- Give it up. Jimmy, tell him.
- You're in serious shit, man.

How do you figure "serious"?

I've heard from some guys down, you
know, the US-born people, Keys people.

- Word's out down there.
- Word on the street's

that you did escape and then
the pigs is on your ass now.

Both are true.

Shit.

Yeah, that sounds pretty cool
the way you put it.

You sound like a wanted man,
the way I put it.

- Trying to find the dog.
- Yeah.

He had it all, he had money,

cars, everything
you could possibly imagine.

But this is the story
of the death of a dream.

Death of a dream.

The one who had
has not any more.

Yes!

Got something I gotta
get off my chest with you, man.

Don't really know how to say
it. I'm just gonna come clean.

I was having an affair with Minnie,
man, several years behind your back.

I'm talking about really sexually
wild experiences with your wife, man.

- Yeah, I figured as much.
- I do know she didn't love me.

She loved my sex
but she didn't love me.

I was the R&B singer with the big
ding-a-ling. I was just a diversion.

Until you came back. You dig?

But she honestly loved you.

I know that for a fact.

- She did, didn't she?
- She loved the fuck out of you, Moondog.

I really loved her, man.
Still do.

- So sexual.
- Hypersexual.

Man,
the moves that she doing.

She had these tiny hands.

And what I loved about her tiny
hands, it made my cock look so big.

You should've seen what mine
looked like in her hands.

The way she went down on me,
I could just see it right now.

- Yeah.
- And if you make eye contact.

Yeah, I hear you. That's enough.

I had a crazy-ass dream.

To help you get out of that
motherfucking thing that you're in.

I had a dream you was dressed
like a woman to help you escape.

- A woman?
- Yeah, I had the same dream.

I had this guy,
buddy in Vietnam,

dressed up like a geisha,
walked out of the war.

- Get in touch with your...
- His femininity.

Tap into it, man.

It may not be a bad look
after all.

You understand me. I can see you
with a dress on, and everything.

Moondog,
you might get used to it.

The dog wanna dress
in some high heels.

Let him strut the runway.

It's a ridiculous idea.

It's kinda fucking freaky
and genius, guys.

I think I already got
the underwear right.

And if I got my walk right.

This'll be too easy.

Look it there.

Motherfucker giving
the whole moon there, Moondog.

You hear me?

You actually look good, dog.

I mean, it's kinda
fucking freaky, right?

I mean,
it's supposed to look freaky.

You a freaky little fish. That's what's
gonna throw the police off. You dig?

Moondog, ain't nobody gonna fucking
recognize you in that shit right there.

Especially the fucking pigs.
You fucking look amazing right now, dog.

Do you know what the challenge
of this situation is gonna be?

- Yes, ma'am.
- Dudes are gonna want my shit.

We slipping through the city
unseen.

What a disguise,
a perfect disguise, baby.

Your bitches
are gonna get hot on you,

seeing you riding around
with a hot blonde like me.

They gonna like the fact.
This is that interracial shit.

Like Jim Brown with Raquel Welch.
You know what I'm talkin' about?

I love it when a plan
comes together.

Anything for a friend.

Jim Dubie's bud.

Yes! Yes!

Look at that.

Heaven looks like that, Lounger.

Think of it like this, dog. I'm
gonna give you so much of this,

you gonna be able to write you a
couple of novels and that poetry shit.

Poetry...

Yeah, I'm talking about poems out
of your motherfucking asshole.

Yes, yes.

This is the safecracker
right here.

To crack the safe
to write that thing

and getting that money!

Because this is the key to unlocking all
of those juices in that head of yours.

Trust me.

- Cops are here.
- Say what?

The pigs is here right now?

Fuck! I must've been high as a
motherfucker when I hatched that plan.

Gas up the seaplane.

Go get my shit
out of the magical room.

Somebody scrape up Moondog.

It's time to go.
Let's load this shit up.

Let's get it rolling.
Stop dillydallying, the cops is coming.

Load up the motherfucking rasta van.
I'm bringing y'all for the music.

We on the run like we used to be back in
the day. Let's get the fuck out of here.

Hurry, man!
Hurry! Put it in now.

Lingerie, close the fucking door.
It's time to go.

You know I got
a motherfucking master plan.

My rastas are gonna fly you
to the Keys on my seaplane.

Time to get
me down to Key West, baby.

Cops ain't never gonna
catch the Moondog.

Moondog, hurry up.
Get this shit on the plane fast.

I hope
we got enough weed for this.

Let's go, man.

Yeah.

Shit.

This is gonna be fun.

Didn't know
it would be this easy.

Hey, is he a good pilot?

- Not at all.
- Not at all?

No, man. He got glaucoma
in both his eyes.

But when he's zooted off of that shit,
he gets you where you need to be.

Look, dog. You're gonna need
some cash for the splash.

That's gonna cush the landing.

- Yes, sir.
- Well, what can I say, Lounge?

We shall meet again on
some distant shore, my friend.

Yeah...

The sun, the rain
and the motherfucking moon.

- You make us proud down there, you hear me?
- Time for liftoff.

Lounge, time for liftoff.

Be good and be good at it, man.

When I smoking enough weed
and drink the shroom tea...

A few lines of
dainty white Bogotá coca.

- Yeah.
- Shit!

Man. Woof, woof, man.

I get insane vision.

And the vision guide,
like a spirit...

- in a direct line to our final destination.
- Yeah.

Safe and sound,
I don't fuck around.

You know, it doesn't matter what you said, it
just sounds so good when you fucking say it.

You know I'm 98 percent blind?

It's perfect.

- They don't even know, man.
- Moondog, what you got?

Flying through the
slipstream with a whole lot of green.

Moondog, I love you.

I love you too.

What's up, Moondog?

Get 'em, man!

Honey, I'm home.

My dream wife,
this is my Cuban maid.

- I see. Got to get me some of that.
- Let's get the party started.

- Your health.
- Salud.

Moondog!

Thank you
for meeting with me today.

My pleasure. I don't remember
the last time I did one of these.

What an interesting life.

How did you pull it off?
How did you do it?

How did I pull it off?
How did I do it?

I mean, look, I could tell you

that I've been trying to uncover

the abyss beneath my illusory
connection with the world.

I could tell you that
it's all written in the stars.

I could tell you
that I'm a reverse paranoiac.

I am quite certain that the world
is conspiring to make me happy.

All three of which are true but
it's really simpler than that.

I like to have fun, man.

Fun is the fucking gun, man.

That is why I like boats. I like water.
I like sunshine. I like beautiful women.

A lot.

I get all these things going, man,
and they are all turning me on.

And my wires are
connecting upstairs

and I start to hear music
in my head.

You know, and the world is
reverberating back and forth

and I hit the frequency
and I start to dance to it.

My fingers get moving, my head gets soupy,
I'm spinning all over the fucking place,

and the fucking words come out.

It is like it's a fucking gift.

What makes you, Moondog,
different than all these other people?

Seriously? You mean the ones
up north on the mainland,

the ones racing to the red line,
the ones stuck in their ways,

a little bit too busy to check
in and say, howdy-howdy-doo?

That shit's not for me, man.

I mean, fuck, man, so many people trip
themselves when they're running downhill.

Life's hard enough. Why would
you fucking want to do that?

I mean, it's like,
we're here to have a good time.

I just want to have a good time
until this shit's over, man.

This life gig's a fucking rodeo,
and I'm gonna suck the nectar out of it.

Fuck it raw dog
until the wheels come off.

Let me ask you something.

- Off the record.
- Come on. Come on.

What's up
with the women's clothes?

What women's clothes?

Motherfucker, my phone was dead.

I held a funeral
for that motherfucker.

I had people giving speeches
and remembrance

of the time when my phone was
alive but it is back to life.

It has resurrected
and the phone is ringing!

Off the hook!

They are calling you motherfucking
Van Gogh with words, baby.

They call on you Walt Disney.

They want to freeze your
motherfucking brain when you die.

This say your new book
is a masterpiece, Moondog.

But he was acting like
a little fuckboy for a minute.

And I had to admit, true genius
takes true guidance.

It takes true pushing.

Let me tell you something.

Please tell me something,
tell me something.

You up
for a motherfucking Pulitzer.

- My book's up for a Pulitzer?
- Pulitzer.

Minnie-Boo, do you hear this?

Thank you.

And now the prize
for outstanding poetry.

It is a great honor
that I introduce to you,

Mr. Moondog.

Thank you.

I've had a lot in my life.

But I always had this feeling
like when I left...

no one gonna remember me.

But knowing you,
being a part of what you did...

maybe that means something,
you know?

I want to thank you.

You know what I like
the most about being rich?

You can just be horrible to people
and they just have to take it.

This next poem...

is one I wrote at 3:00 a.m.

coming down off of a two-day
acid trip in the Virgin Islands.

It's called
"The Beautiful Point."

"I go to bed in Havana...

thinking about you...

pissing a few moments ago...

I looked down
at my penis with affection...

knowing it has been inside you,

twice today...

makes me feel beautiful.

I have to admit, I didn't
think you could do it, Dad.

No?

But you managed
to pull it off somehow.

Sweetie, I'm telling you,
don't ever bet against the Moondog.

I'm just so happy
you finally dumped limp dick.

I know. He sucked.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You unlocked the fortune.

The money is yours.

Your complete inheritance
is all yours.

- Congratulations.
- Exactly. Perfect.

Listen.
I want it all in cash, man.

- What was that?
- Cash, man.

C-A-S-H, cash, all greenbacks.

I don't want you to put a penny
of that stuff in the bank.

You know, I don't trust
those Illuminati motherfuckers.

Here's what you're gonna do.
I want you to buy me a sailboat.

All right,
like a 150-200-footer,

something really nice,
preferably vintage.

Then I want you to name that boat Success
after my old friend, Captain Whack.

Then you're gonna put the rest of
the cash stacked in that sailboat.

And I want you
to sail down here to me.

That's over
$50 million in cash, Moondog.

All right, don't fuck it up.

Next, she's gonna want to marry
me now that I'm rich. Right?

That's right.
What do you think about that?

Cash in a boat.

You can do whatever we want
or nothing at all.

Yeah, man.

- There she is.
- Yeah, it's beautiful.

- Awesome, man, awesome.
- Got great shapes and her cargo,

there's $46 million on board.

You're gonna buy yourself so much weed.

What do you think about that?

You know what I want to do?

I wanna have a big
fucking fireworks show, man.

Invite all my friends
from the Keys.

None of that sparkler bullshit that impresses
lesbians, pregnant women and babies.

No, no. Let's Valhalla this
motherfucker, you know what I mean?

Raise the dead.

Make it awesome for Minnie.

Work it, Moondog. Money!

Money! Money!

All right, federales,
this is where you get off.

One for you.

Thank you.

Whoo!

That's great poetry.

Holy shit-fire.

This is so much fun.

Shit!
That was a close one, wasn't it?

Yeah, yeah, yo.

A fucking blast.