Original subtitles

# I'm not sick but I'm not well

# And I'm so hot

# Cos I'm in hell. #

Chipsticks or Frazzles.

Chipsticks or Frazzles.

Chipsticks or Frazzles?

Shall I go on?

Shall I go on? Argh! >

God, it's like a Stasi torture block.

"The foetal head then passes below the pubic arch.

"At this point, the woman may feel a burning or stinging sensation."

The phrase "No shit, Sherlock" comes to mind.

How much more do you want? What's an episiotomy?

You don't wanna know, mate.

You don't wanna know, mate. Why?

You don't wanna know, mate. Why? Well, you know between your bum and your genitals, that area?

It's one of my favourite areas.

Yeah, well, imagine someone snipping it with scissors.

Yeah, well, imagine someone snipping it with scissors. Oh, my fucking life!

Yeah. Either that, or you can have it pull apart like wet tissue paper.

PHONE RINGS

Sophie's mum. Hello?

'So glad I'm not a woman. Worst thing that can happen

'to me is getting sent to war. Even then, I can find a cave

'and eat blackberries and tug myself off till it's over.'

She's in Northumberland.

They're on their way, but it could be five or six hours.

Shit, I can't be the birth partner!

'Hold on. I see where this is going. I ain't no birth partner!'

Dude, you are gonna be a great birth partner!

The truth is, and I really wish it wasn't true, but I'm a...

paedophobe, to be honest.

Oh, right... 'Oh, my life!'

I mean, I... I suppose I always wondered whether...

I've always felt really weird around children, you know?

Right. Yeah.

'Act supportive, or punch his lights out?'

And are you gonna get help for...?

I don't know. I mean, what sort of help can you get

for an irrational fear of children?

PaedoPHOBE!Oh, right.

What did you think I meant?

Oh, my God, Jeremy!

It's just paedo, phobe...

I mean, they're both bad.

I thought you were saying you were a mega-paedo!

You thought I was saying I was a mega-paedo?

And your reaction was that you'd always wondered?

I was grappling, I was grasping.

Mark Corrigan?

I'm just going back in. I was only looking at the crisps

and I got distracted. I've been three minutes max, honestly.

You are allowed out.

'You're nice. I wish I was having a baby with you.'

We'll see Sophie shortly and if things haven't progressed,

we can always give her a cervical sweep, OK?

Hmm. The cervical sweep.

Chim chim cheree.

So listen, I've spoken to your mum and she's on her way.

Oh, thank God.

But hold your horses just one sec, because they are on their way from Northumberland,

so until she gets here, I am very much your man.

Fucking hell.

Argh!

Oh...

Ah!

'What do I say? Can't sit back and watch, eating popcorn.

'Can't alleviate.'

Ow! Poor Soph. Does it hurt?

Yes, it fucking hurts!

Yes, it fucking hurts! PHONE RINGS

Might be your mum.

Hello?

Oh, what? The boiler?

You're kidding! But it's just... No, sorry, thank you.

I'll get it sorted.

Wasn't your mum, it was just...

Mmm...

Mmm... A tiny thing. My boiler, it's nothing.

It's cool, it's nothing. Minor explosion.

Forget it, I'm focused, OK. Baby.

Apparently there's water leaking downstairs. So irrelevant.

Can you fetch the TENS machine, Mark, it's really starting to...

Right, the TENS machine.

'While my flat fills with water,

'what you need is an almost imperceptibly low dose

'of battery-powered pain relief(!)'

Can you try and relax, Mark?

Sure. Understood. I won't get anxious.

Oh, it's rubbish.

'Placid lake of water.

'Placid lake of water filling up my flat from the gushing broken boiler.'

Has the nurse said anything about the pool yet?

Has the nurse said anything about the pool yet? Oh, what, water birth? Isn't it a bit...zany?

I'll be much happier in the pool!

OK, then I'm on it, Soph, I'm on it for you.

And remember to ask for one of those nets for poo and bits, Mark.

Will do.

'God, how did he get so old?

'I'll never let myself get so old.

'I mean, you have to get old up to a point, but that's ridiculous.

'Still nothing from Elena.

'I'll never fool anyone as beautiful as Elena into loving me again.

'Maybe I should kill myself.

'Hmm, Gary Neville's conservatory is nice.

'Hello.

'Put that suicide bid on hold.

'OK, a book. Egghead alert.'

So, The Famished Road.

Is that a sequel?

I'm sorry?

I'm sorry? To the one that was a film about the end of the world? The Road?

Cos they were hungry enough in that.

Good one.

'Didn't even know it was a one.'

'Didn't even know it was a one.' I'm Zara.

'Didn't even know it was a one.' I'm Zara. Jeremy.So, what are you in for?

You don't have to tell me if it's disgusting.

My boyfriend's in intensive care.

'Boyfriend.' Oh.

Yeah. He's in a bad way...

unconscious. They don't know when he's going to come round.

That's terrible.

'Terri-brill!'

'OK, birthing pool, don't believe in it but I have to sell it.

'I'm Clare Short backing Iraq, Trinny and Susannah endorsing Nescafe.'

Hi, hello. I wondered what happened to the nurse from before?

Which nurse?

The one who was... 'Nice'. ..here.

The one who was... 'Nice'. ..here. Yana's finished her shift.

The one who was... 'Nice'. ..here. Yana's finished her shift. Ah, oh, OK.

Well, we, er, discussed the possibility earlier of using a pool.

Well, I don't have a note of that.

'Great. Yana's a flake.

'The lovely nurse who doesn't write anything down.

'She probably only works here to get 'ludes.'

And both birthing pools are either occupied or...

Look, I need a pool, OK?

We want a natural birth. God knows some people aren't convinced

of the benefits of a water birth, but I for one am not one of them,

so please could you sort that out?

I'll see what I can do.

Very well.

Good day.

'Good day? God, I'm so stern.

'Maybe I'll end up marrying her instead

'and we'll have brisk, clinical sex.

How's it going, dude?

I estimate we're looking at a five centimetre cervix,

plus the boiler's exploded.

'Hey, that's Zara's!'

Who was that good plumber? Sophie's nice guy?

You're stressing. How about I sort it?

Really?

Really? Really.

Really? Really. Thanks, man.

'He's so lucky I'm the kind of guy who'd never spike a coffee with Rohypnol.

'Too many practical risks even before moral considerations.'

OK, pretty tough but I managed it. I said, "Listen, you do things our way.

"My birth partner has requested this and I don't care if I have to take it to the very top of the GMC, got it?"

Mark, I can't do this.

OK.

Is that better? Or is that better?

I don't care!

I don't care! Or is that better?

Oh! I want it to stop. It's all too much!

Soph, it's OK, we'll get you in the pool, I'm gonna sort it.

I don't want a pool, I need pain relief, Mark!

Oh, you don't want the pool?

No, I want an epidural or someone to smack me on the head

or just... Fuck!

It's just I did ask very firmly for the pool.

If I go back now, I'll look...

If I go back now, I'll look... You'll look what?

It's just it'll weaken my negotiating position.

Mmm.

No, Soph, yep, I'm on it.

Just a tiny query...

Can you remember, not at your last place,

but the place before, the name of that nice plumber?

Was it Tom or Tim?

No biggy, but if it jumps into your head,

can you just pop the number down there, would you?

ARGH!

'Wow, private room. This guy's lucked out.'

Hi, Ben. I'm back.

Hi, Ben.

I thought this might inspire him, you know, to write a novel, now he's unconscious.

Mm-hm, right.

You know, it's funny, just looking at him, I could tell we'd get on.

He looks like a laugh, a right laugh.

I sort of want to shake his hand. Would that be all right?

Oh, go ahead.

Ah, Ben, sleepy Ben.

'I want to steal your girlfriend, I think I love your girlfriend.'

'I want to steal your girlfriend, I think I love your girlfriend.' Sleepy Ben.

That's nice.

'I definitely don't hope he dies, definitely not.

'That would be horrible,

'but he does look like he could do with a nice long relaxing coma.'

Oh, it's you again.

Yes.

OK, after a lot of hassle,

I've actually managed to swap things around,

and it looks like the birthing pool will be available, so...

Yes, well as it happens, things have changed and my partner

no longer requires the pool.

No, we want the what's it called,

the drugs pipe, the heroin pump, the crack tube, whatever you've got.

I want to stop her suffering.

I want to stop her suffering. Wish I'd known this earlier.

'Hmm, you might be ripe for a trim, in the cuts.'

So before the accident, how long had you two been...hanging out?

Three months.

OK. And how was it going?

Were you two very...

Oh, he's very committed to his work and he did the Iron Man triathlon...twice.

Wow. So out of those three months,

you can knock off at least two weeks for training.

He loves his dance music and drugs and video games.

God, really?

- Whereas I love to read... - Oh, me too.

I love to read... I adore to read. It's amazing, isn't it?

Because a book, I always say, can be about anything.

That's so true. Yeah, I often read to Ben,

but he's more of a magazine... FHM...kind of guy.

Right, yeah.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, shit, I'd better get this.

Would you like to...

Oh, sure.

"This month's hot tip..."

Hello?

"The premier Wrangler collection.

"When has good denim ever been cheap?

"The answer is never."

Look, dude, bit of a weird one,

but if you aren't gonna make it through,

I mean if you can't, then don't worry, because Zara's great,

and I'll be waiting, if you check out, in a friendly way...

not like a vulture...

to check in.

And don't worry, I'm not gonna start waggling on any of your tubes,

and if you have a problem with anything I've just said then,

do give me a sign.

No? OK.

"I'm in a swimming pool and my bikini pops off. I'm not bothered,

"I'll just carry on", and that's a comment from Kayleigh.

You can see a picture of Kayleigh there, and her nice bum.

Jez?

Oh, hi, Mark.What are you doing?

I'm reading FHM to this unconscious guy.

But why?

But why? Because I have a heart.

Yeah?

Work's crazy. Thanks so much.

Oh, OK.

What?

Nothing.

Nothing. What?

Nothing. What? Nothing.

Nothing. What? Nothing. No, go on, what?

No, it's fine.

No, it's fine. What are you saying?Nothing.

Look, there's no need to be all cynical, just because...

Look, there's no need to be all cynical, just because... Jeremy, it's fine.

I'm actually quite glad it's all a filthy duplicitous ploy.

I was worried you had a personality change.

Oh, just because I'm doing something decent,

there has to be some weird thing going on?

Yes... Normally, yes.

Thanks, Jez.

I should be getting back to Sophie.

Jez, would you consider coming with me?

I don't think I'm coping all that well.

Yeah, cool, man.

You don't mind?

You don't mind? No. Kind of always wanted to see a birth.

Be kind of like Alien but sexy. Sexy Alien.

Hey, Soph, it's me, and Jez!

When's the anaesthetist coming, Mark? I need something.

OK, look, I went crazy at them, I totally lost it, actually,

but the thing is that the anaesthetist has this C-section now,

and then there's another procedure

that he's booked in to... What?

Tell them to pull their fingers out, Mark.

Look, the anaesthetist can't be in two places at once!

I mean, I wish he could, but he can't.

'How didIbecome the hospital spin doctor?'

I want an epidural!

Hello! Hello, Sophie, how we doing?

Hi, boys.

OK, darling, baby's doing fine.

I just wanna see how you're doing, see how dilated you are, OK?

'Hmm, stuck on the medical channel and there's no remote control.'

Maybe some...music?

Yes. Yeah, maybe some music.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. PANPIPE MUSIC

'What a bastard. That's gonna drive us all totally bonkers.'

Yeah, you're doing great, you're fully dilated.

Your baby's coming.

There's no time for an epidural.

She put her whole hand in.

Blimey.

Blimey. I didn't think she'd put her whole hand in!

No, God.

Look, maybe I should go.

'Of course. Brings the insufferable music, then goes.

'He's like the 1980s.'

Hello? Hans?!

Oh, OK, I'll be right down.

That was Super Hans. He's here, he wants money to fix the boiler.

Yeah, I called him earlier. Boiler's sorted.

Yeah, I called him earlier. Boiler's sorted. You called Super Hans about the boiler? Super Hans is our plumber?

No, not Hans, his mate. His mate's a plumber.

Oh, great(!) I wonder if he appears on the CORGI Gas Safe Register?

Or just the Sex Offenders'?!

'That's right, pay Hans to do the plumbing,

'swap the cow for some magic beans.'

Half a monkey, as requested.

'Why am I dealing in animals?'

'No animal-based transaction has ever gone well.'

It's for parts and that.

'I'll probably end up with half a Ford Escort and some porno tapes

'and we'll call it all square.'

Is he...the plumber?

Relax, Mark. We can definitely do plumbing, it's not an issue.

Trojan's very capable after his sleep.

Plumbing's just fucking Lego, innit?

Water Lego. So, how's it all going with Soph and the baby?

You know, for a while it's been pretty boring

but I think we're getting to the utterly terrifying bit.

Take my advice, stay away from the goal end, mate.

Yeah?

Yeah? Yeah. You don't wanna get thinking about that.

It's like the Channel Tunnel -

lovely, it's all about your holidays,

but imagine you saw a fucking huge baby come out of it.

Never be the same again.

Right.

Right. One other tip... Trip.

What?

What? Trip your fucking nuts off, makes it amazing.

Isn't it pretty amazing anyway?

Isn't it pretty amazing anyway? Dunno. Yeah, maybe,

but if you'retrippingand you're having a baby, it's like "Fuck!",

you know? You see a little guy come out of there,

what's gonna happen next? Frogs out of her arsehole?

Milk out of her ears? Anything's possible.

Oi.

What?

Let's drive.

'If those two fix my boiler,

'I think it will be more surprising than if Sophie gave birth

'to a working replica of Stephenson's Rocket.'

Hi, Soph, back now. Can I do anything?

SOPHIE MOANS

SOPHIE MOANS You're doing great, Sophie, you're doing good.

'Oh, God, the screaming. Poor Sophie. I definitely couldn't give birth.

'I want to call Dignitas when I get lumber pain.'

Now, don't push if you don't need to.

Take a rest, Sophie, hmm? You're doing well.

'I can't just keep standing to attention like Captain Mark Phillips.

'Could march around the room like Nelson on his quarterdeck.

'I'm just a spare part!'

Why don't you stop walking round like that and come over here?

Why don't you stop walking round like that and come over here? 'And the fun part is, everything I do is basically wrong.

'If I can just get hold of a hand, that might feel useful.'

Oh, it's now, Mark, it's now!

Right, right, yes, I'm sure, but just don't use all your energy,

cos you did say that eight hours ago,

and it wasn't "now", and I don't wanna be a doubting Thomas, but...

Aargh!

Bastard, bastard, fat bastard!

'Is that for me or just general bastarding?'

Oh, fuck off, fuck off!

'If she keeps saying "Fuck off", I might fuck off.

'That's gotta be within your rights,

'to fuck off if someone repeatedly screams at you to fuck off.'

Can I...

I just need to nip to the little boys' room.

'Yeah, the little boys' room.

'For little boys.'

There we go.

One for you and one for Ben.

Thanks, Jez.

I'll have Ben's for him, shall I?

Here's to you, Ben.

I guess, I mean, the thing I think is,

if he doesn't make it, God forbid, at least he lived to the max.

The Iron Man... We think we were once in the same bar as Banksy.

Wow, yeah, I mean,

there's a time for everything, isn't there, you know?

There's a time for golf, a time for stew...

Mmm. Yeah.

'Come on, Guru Jez!'

I mean, it's the whole circle of life, isn't it?

I mean, if you believe in reincarnation, imagine if hewent

at the exact same moment that my friend's baby was born.

Ben's spirit, his essence, might live on,

Bluetoothed into the baby.

Yeah, I suppose I could accept that, in a way.

It's just him dangling, you know?

We need to get you some answers. Is he going to pull through?

You need to know.

'Ineed to know.

'Right now, I'm a supporting character in a weepy,

'when I want to be the leading man in a porno!'

'Yeah, OK, off to the toilet, have a wee and then back in.

'I could walk quicker, but it's interesting to note that I'm not.

'I'm walking at what I would describe in court as a normal pace,

'but which I think is actually slightly slower than normal.

'There's the toilet. Hmm, why didn't I go in?

'Here I go into here. OK, this is interesting.

'Where am I going now?'

'I think this is OK,

'this is something somebody might do in my situation.

'My wife was going into labour, and I decided to leave her ever so briefly,

'to grab something to eat to fortify me for the events ahead.

'"Oh, that sounds wise, that you got a chicken bucket early on".

'"Yes, I know."'

Chicken bucket, please.

Chicken bucket, please. Take a few minutes, OK?

Yes, I can wait.

'Eating from a bucket like a human horse,

'I feel refreshed and replenished and now back to the hospital.

'No need to run, and still got some beans and a sweetcorn for Sophie.

'Probably just what she fancies.

'Hmm, is this the worst thing I've ever done? It might be.

'You can't hide behind that pillar, I'm a sharpshooter.

'I bet she's OK, all the staff...

'I'm better off here, I'm safe here,

'with the gangsters in the killing zone, the abandoned subway station,

'my safe place, my good place.'

Looks like you're in trouble there, mate.

Looks like you're in trouble there, mate. 'Oddball alert. Do not respond, do not engage.

'Oh, God, he's broken through my icy force field.

'Maybe he's having a baby.

'Maybe everyone in here is having babies.'

This is difficult, but if he does make it through, will he still be...

operating from below the waistal area?

You mean...

You mean... Will he still be able to...

communicate...with his...

communication rod,

or will he no longer be able to...

lift the drawbridge, so to speak? I'm thinking about Zara's needs.

Look, I can't speculate on that, but I'll be frank with you.

We really need to see some movement in the next 24 hours from Ben

if a full recovery is going to be on the cards.

Thank you, doctor.

'I'm 24 hours from Tulsa.'

Thanks, Jez.

'Finally, I'm in pole position. Ben checks out, I check in.

'I mean, I definitely, definitely hope he doesn't,

'but if he does, then...'

Uh!

What, Jeremy?

What, Jeremy? N-nothing.

'Don't tell her, don't raise her hopes.

'Could have been anything - phantom toe syndrome,

'methane build-up, disturbance in the force...

'Oh, bollocks.'

Zara, I think Ben's trying to tell you something with his foot.

Oh, my God, look! He's gonna be fine. Everything's gonna be fine, Jez!

That's brilliant, Zara!

'Fucking great. The mummy returns.

'Finally find the woman of my dreams,

'and her boyfriend reanimates.'

Fuck you! Fuck you!

Fuck you!

Nice.

Jez.

Jez. Who's the jerk?

Easy, buddy. I went to see Soph. Why are you not in there?

Yeah, well...

Sophie wanted me to grab five and play some Lethal Enforcers.

Really?

Really? Yeah, she was all, "Grab five, Mark, you deserve it, I'll be fine".

She didn't mention that.

The midwife didn't mention that.

Yeah, I know, that's because I'm lying.

Look, Mark, I get it. If this was happening to me,

I'd be doing what you're doing 100 times over,

but you don't want to look back on today

thinking when your baby was being born, you were taking out a ninja.

Yakuza!

You need to get back in there.

'He's right. Thank God I didn't do bottle-of-whiskey-and-random-EasyJet.

'I can still pull this round.'

(HOWLS)

Hi. Oh, you're not...

'That could so easily have been me - a useless gnome, fishing for turds.'

Sorry, this should be my birth. Where's...?

Sorry, this should be my birth. Where's...? Sophie Chapman is in theatre three.

Theatre?

'Theatre! Nothing good has ever happened in a theatre. Oh, fuck!'

Sophie, are you OK?

Yeah, I am.

I'm so sorry I went. I just... I don't know what to say.

Did you go? I've been pretty out of it. How long were you gone for?

Oh, how long?

Oh, ages, like...

three or four minutes.

'This is amazing. I could have finished the level,

'had an Angry Whopper and upgraded my phone tariff.'

Everything slowed down and we wanted to get the baby out,

so we decided to come for a Caesarean section.

so we decided to come for a Caesarean section. That's brilliant. I love the salad, now try the birth.

The... Caesar,

Caesarean salad? Sorry, I'm gabbling. I'm just happy it's all OK.

How's it looking down there?

Oh...

Oh... You might not necessarily want to.

'Holy fuck! Living innards.

'I thought now it'd all be hi-tech, chip and pin, not London Dungeon!'

Is it OK?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Yeah? All...good, all great.

'The screen's there for a reason.

'There's a reason they put Guantanamo on Cuba.'

Now you might feel a bit of a tug, baby's coming out.

OK. Oh, it's like someone's doing the washing up.

Yeah, I can feel that.

Yeah, I can feel that. 'Yeah, I imagine so,

'because a human being is being heaved out of your body.

'Oh, my goodness!

Do you want to cut the cord?

Do you want to cut the cord? 'No! Do you want to do some credit rating

'or work in a Mexican restaurant? Let's stick to our jobs!'

Do people normally...

Do people normally... Yep.

Go on, Mark.

Oh, OK.

'Great. Bet I do it wrong and they laugh. Humiliated in front of my son

'within ten seconds of his birth.'

Wow. It's sinewy.

'God! I can't get any purchase.

'Thought it would be like Sarah Ferguson cutting a ribbon,

'but it's much more meaty, like sawing a dog's leg in half.

'Oh, my God. There he is. I've got a baby.

'Maybe I might be... a good person from now on.

'That might be a good idea. Yeah, lead a wholesome life

'and be a decent citizen and make the whole world OK,

'and, yeah, this is a biggy, this is definitely a biggy!

'Maybe my son can sort climate change.

'He might figure out cold fusion!

'Not as one of the main guys, that's unrealistic,

'but in an administrative capacity.'

Oh, my God. You're a dad.

I know.

I know. Wow.

Listen, this probably doesn't matter right now, but Hans called.

Oh?

Oh? It's all sorted.

New boiler's up and running

and there's minimal water damage. He sent a photo.

Minimal water damage?

Minimal water damage.

Here you go, here's your son.

'Oh, my God.'

My son.

Minimal water damage?

Sync by Adriano_CSI