All language subtitles for Loudermilk s02e06 Our Lips Are Saled.eg

_

You couldn't leave Waffles
back at the mansion

for two hours?

It's good to see you
haven't changed much.

Still jousting with strangers
over absolutely nothing.

- Are you lumberjacks?
- We're musicians, asshole.

- You're an asshole.
- You're a total dick, man.

I push people away, and it's
something I gotta work on,

'cause it only hurts me.

And I gotta work on
getting along with you

and the world at large.

I'm a critic with an
impeccable reputation.

I'm a published author,
for Christ sakes.

Huh? I'm somebody... ish.

You haven't written
anything in, like, years.

I could if wanted.

Well, then do it.

I think you're onto something, Claire.

[BIRD SQUAWKING]

Appreciate you letting me
drag you along on my hike,

but slow the fuck down,
Sonic the Hedgehog.

If I was walking any
slower, I'd be standing.

I'm not even working up a sweat.

I'm sweating plenty.

You sweat when you read.

Yeah. So do 10 million other
James Patterson fans.

Besides, I have hyperhidrosis.

Hyperhidr... You don't have that.

- It's not a real thing.
- It is, too, ignor-anus.

- I'll prove it to you.
- [BUTTONS CLICKING]

- [SPRAY CAN HISSING]
- Hey.

What are you doing?

What do you mean?

Uh, I didn't think that
I was being cryptic,

but I'll try again.

What are you doing?

Expressing myself.

On a rock?

Yeah.

Look, I hate all graffiti,

but at least do it on a fucking
building or a subway car.

Okay, what are you,
the graffiti Gestapo?

So, what... what do we have here?

What do we have?

"As she dances in the bandwidth...

"... of her redolent frown."

What does that mean?

Wow. Do not click on images

when you look up "hyperhidrosis."

Stand by. Seriously, what...
what does that mean?

Uh, I think it's pretty
self-explanatory.

Yeah. You... you couldn't explain that

if you had a gun and a
dick pointed at ya.

[LAUGHS] And a dick.

Okay, maybe you're just not
smart enough to get it.

Oh, well, enlighten me, Banksy.

Okay.

Uh...

Okay, well, it's about a... a girl,

and she's dancing, and she's frowning.

She's dancing, and she's frowning.

- Got that.
- And, you know,

the... She... The...

She has the bandwidth.

The bandwidth of her
life in a post-Trump...

Fuck, I don't know what it means, man.

No, I didn't think so,
'cause it's horse shit.

Trust me, I know what I'm talking about.

I have a pretty good nose for
sniffing out people who are,

how do I put this kindly,

totally bereft of talent.

Wow.

No, you're right.

I thought maybe I was a poet, but...

I guess...

I guess my father was right.

I'm nothing.

There ya go.

Don't you think you were a
little hard on that dude?

What dude?

That... that dude.

Oh, no.

One thing I know about
artists, they have thick skin.

- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --

So there I was, face-to-face
with Liz Solomon,

first time I've seen
her since high school.

Jesus, she's even prettier now.

I contacted her because she's an artist

and I wanted to commission
a painting of my cat.

Only a pussy would order
a painting of a pussy.

I'd order a painting of a pussy.

NEW GUY: Okay, if you must know,

I wasn't only ordering the painting

just to pay homage to my cat.

I was using it as an excuse
to get in touch with Liz.

See, I set up a Google alert,

"Liz Solomon divorce" years ago.

And it finally went off. Good news.

Oh, I had such a crush on this girl.

I thought she had one on me, too.

But then when I went to pick
up my painting last night,

she didn't remember the inside
joke we had in English class,

and she got my name
wrong, first and last.

Well, what did you expect?

You haven't been to high
school for 50 years.

- Forty years.
- BEN: Okay.

Hey, chin up, man.

Unrequited love gets a bad rap.

How so?

Well, because it's actually
the only kind of love

that doesn't break your heart.

Unlike requited love, which will
tear it out and shit on it.

I don't understand. Why are
you so obsessed with her?

I'm not obsessed.

Then why do you look so sad?

I'm not sad. This is just my face.

I'd be sad, too, if I
had a face like that.

Fuck you.

Ooh.

NEW GUY: Rog?

Rog?

Hey.

Didn't hear you there.

Do you have a minute?

Th-there's something
I-I need to talk about.

Maybe I should go and get Loudermilk.

No. No, no, no, no.

I don't want him to know my secrets.

But he's our leader,

and he can help you
much more than I can.

No, you don't... you don't get it.

I-I've never told this to anyone.

Well?

Look, I know I've talked a big game,

but I haven't really banged Rihanna.

Or fingered Kristin Chenoweth.

I'm disappointed.

There I was living
vicariously through you.

Yeah, I know, I know. Sorry.

See, what got me so down

about seeing that woman from high school

was realizing how little
my life had changed.

I mean, professionally,
yeah, I'm killing it.

I'm T. rex with a monster cock.

But, romantically, not so much.

Tony and Cisco were
right. You're a virgin.

That's crazy. It's laughable.

I'm just a...

lip virgin.

What, you mean you've never
gone down on a woman.

Good God, no. Bathroom parts
go with bathroom parts.

But that's not what I meant.

I meant I've never, uh...

I-I've never kissed a woman.

What, never?

But how can you have
had sex with a woman

and never been kissed?

Okay, look, I've only had intercourse
with professional women.

By professional, I don't
mean women with careers.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got it.

See, prostitutes won't
let you kiss them.

Yeah, maybe you should be talking
about this with Loudermilk.

It may be the reason you did meth.

No, no, no. You can't tell a soul.

This... Roger, this is too
fuckin' embarrassing.

Well, why are you telling me?

I don't know. I needed to tell somebody.

And I feel safe with
you because, you know,

you don't have complete arms.

No, I... That came out wrong.

I just meant me and you,
like, we're one of a kind

because we've both been
fucked so badly by God.

No, it's not just that.

You're smarter and more sensitive

than anybody in that group,

and you've got that beautiful accent.

And, look, can you please help me?

Roger, you're my best friend.

I'm sorry, man, I can't.

Look, my mum is ill.

Seriously ill, and I've
gotta go back to England

to look after her for a while.

Yeah, yeah, that's good for you.

But what about me?

Don't worry.

I'll make sure you get what you need.

Phew.

I can't believe you dragged
me all the way back here

to look for a God damn headband.

That headband was a gift
from my pickle ball team.

It's very special, thanks.

Well, I'll buy you another one.

I don't even remember
you wearing a head...

What's pickle ball?

You don't know what pickle ball is?

Well, it's a cross between
tennis and badminton.

It's normally played on
grass, turf, dirt, or sand.

LOUDERMILK: What the
fuck's he doing now?

I told you you were
too hard on the dude.

Now he's gonna kill himself.

Huh? No, you don't know that.

He could just be looking
for a better view.

Really? Okay, then why did he write,

"Goodbye, world," on the rocks, then?

- I don't know.
- Oh, boy.

- Shit.
- Okay.

Go talk to him, man. This is your fault.

Yeah... My fault?

I shit on the guy for, like, 30 seconds.

Obviously, he had prior issues

or he wouldn't be writing
that drivel on rocks.

Hey, hey, buddy. What...
what are you doing?

I'm about to jump to my death
because of you, asshole!

The least you could do
is wish me good luck!

Come on down from there.
Don't do anything stupid.

Oh, so now I'm stupid, too?

No, I said don't do anything stupid.

Look, I was a jerk earlier, okay?

I... Your bandwidth poem
is actually pretty...

pretty... pretty good.

Oh, don't patronize me.

No? Okay, 'cause it sucked.

Uh, you fucking misspelled "bandwidth."

How do you know how to spell "redolent"?

I thought it was great.

You're a wonderful writer!
You have a gift!

[CRYING] No. No, your friend's right.

It's a joke!

I'm a joke.

I can't even kill myself right.

I've been up here since this morning

because I don't have the balls to jump.

Sure, you do! I mean, you...

You have... you have balls, you know.

You got lots of balls,

and you're gonna do lots
of great stuff, okay?

But you're not gonna do this.

- Because...
- Because why?

Plenty of reasons. I
mean, you're thin, okay.

I mean, shit, I wish I
had your metabolism.

There's one reason right there.

And you don't have hyperhidrosis.

That's for sure. You're
out here in the sun.

You seem to be cool as a cucumber.

I'm jealous.

Look, I don't know
your full deal, buddy,

but, you know, we all go through shit.

And we all think that life
can't get any better.

But it... it... it can.

Well, that's all you got?

Oh, I'm jumping.

- Oh, no, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Whoa, whoa, hey, don't, no!

He's just war... he's warming up.

Listen, it's not just you
that would be hurt, okay?

Think about the people
who care about you.

Oh, strike two!

No one cares about me!

I have to go to restaurants,

even movies alone!

All right, well, if that's what
this is about, come on down.

I'll go to a movie with ya.

Which movie?

You pick it.

Just none of that comic-book bullshit.

When?

Thursday.

Well, I mean, I might have to
move a few things around, but...

Yes. Fuck it, let's do it!

All right!

- Super.
- Yeah!

You're gonna live!

Oh.

Can I have some help getting down?

[STUPID MOUTH SHUT PLAYS]

-
I look at you and keep my...

NEW GUY: What are you guys doing here?

Roger told us about your lady problems.

I told him not to tell anyone.

We really want to help.

Okay, okay, but nobody else, okay?

This just stays within...
within our gang.

- Oh, okay.
- Okay.

Don't be ashamed, New Guy.

Look, it's obvious you made a
success of yourself somehow.

And maybe you haven't had
time for a social life.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, let's go with that.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Hey! What the fuck is he doing here?

Yeah, he was, uh, eavesdropping
on my conversation with Cloud.

Hey, man. 15-foot rule.

If you don't whisper,

it's rude for anybody within
15 feet not to listen.

Am I too late? What did I miss?

This is fucking absurd!

You know what's absurd?

That you prize secrecy over assistance.

These guys are here to help
you pop your lip cherry, man.

Yeah. I don't want his help.

Oh, I see. Okay, you don't want my help.

All right, then I guess I'll
just call that chick back

who I set you up with and
tell her it's off, hmm?

What, you set me up? Why?

Listen, I'm not a religious man,

but I do believe that good
pussy can save a man's soul.

And I also thought if I could
get somebody somewhere

to want to kiss you consensually,

maybe you'd be a little bit
less of a turd all the time.

Oh, okay. I'm sorry, Mugsy.

That... that was nice of you.

Yeah. And she's a great woman.

- Tons in common with you.
- Mmm.

Except she's good-looking.

- Ooh.
- [DOORBELL RINGS]

- Damn, she's early.
- She's here?

Why didn't you tell me she's on her way?

Because I didn't want to stress you out.

I'm stressed now!

Oh, how do I look? How do I look?

Don't make us answer that question.

We want to send you on the
date with confidence.

- Oh, hey.
- Hey.

TONY: What the hell are you doing?

You don't throw a Hail Mary on
the first play of the game.

Give me that!

Okay, hey.

Hey, a little privacy, please.

Backyard. Backyard!

Oh.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Hi.

Hello.

Um, am I early?

Oh, no. No.

Um, oh, you know what? One of my...

one of my cats just got out.

Could... could you just stay
there for a second, please?

- Oh, God, can I help?
- No. No, no, thank you.

That's really sweet of you,
but if you could just, like,

stay right there, please,

in case my cat rings, you
know, the... the doorbell.

What the fuck?

Hey, what are you so upset about?

She's a midget!

Hey, the correct term
is "little person."

Don't be a racist.

No, no, no, he can call her
that 'cause he's one himself.

Yeah, like you guys can
call each other...

Bro.

Guys, I'm not a little person.

MUGSY: What? What are you talking about?

Well, I'm saying that I'm
not a little person.

You're telling me you're
not a little person?

No!

All right, well, God damn!

I don't know what the
cutoff is? I'm sorry.

What the fuck are you doing
in my pool in your underwear?

You said to make yourselves
at home. Plus, I was sweaty.

I never said anything
remotely like that.

God, what the fuck am I
gonna do about this girl?

- Tell her you're out of town.
- She just saw me!

Then tell her you're going out of town.

I can't cancel.

She'll know it's 'cause
of her height. Look...

I know what it's like
to have a date cancel

at the last second
based on how you look.

STEVIE: This is what you do.

You go on the date, and when
you're out, you pick a fight.

Right? You won't have to see her again,

and that way, she won't know
that you're a height-ist.

Okay, yeah, yeah. Pick a
fight like a gentleman.

That could work, yes, thank you.

MAN: [ON TV] The Wonder-Chopper,
a blade so sharp,

you'll wonder what it can't cut.

Garlic, tomatoes, carrots,

potatoes. If you eat it, the...

How do you guys watch this crap?

It's a commercial.

You don't even know what
the fuck we're watching.

I don't have to. It's TV. It all sucks.

Oh, does it? How about Survivor?

And Buddy 'n' Andy. And
why aren't you dressed?

- What are you talking about?
- You're wearing sweatpants.

I didn't realize we had a dress code.

No, it's Thursday.

Yeah.

Holy shit. You promised suicide guy

you'd take him to dinner
and a movie tonight.

So? It's a guy on a ledge.

You say whatever you
have to. It's not binding.

Yes, it is.

Besides, he sounded really nice.

When did you talk to him?

When Ben called him to confirm
your plans for tonight.

How do you even have his number?

We exchanged numbers, dude.

That's what you do after
a suicide attempt.

Fuck, man.

All right, so you go hang out with him.

No, no. Suicide guy is
your friend, not mine.

You're the one who's
got him on speed dial.

Hey, look, the guy might be a psycho.

I don't want to hang out with him alone.

Okay. All right, fine.

You know what? I'll go with ya.

How's that?

This is a nice restaurant.

- Thank you.
- Yeah, no worries.

- So who did you vote for?
- Pardon?

You a Trumpy, like me? I love that guy.

He sure does what he
says he's gonna do, huh?

I... guess.

I wish he'd build a wall
at the Canadian border.

Many Canadians are
rapists, too, you know.

You're joking, right?

Oh, no, that's how I really feel.

I find Canadians to be
really, really sleazy.

Um, hey, what's... what's
your view on arming teachers?

Idiotic.

Oh, idiotic, huh?

Sure, sure. Bury your head in the sand.

Um... Oh, hey, what do you think

about this climate change bullshit?

Why are you asking me this?

That's how you get to know a person,

by asking them questions.

And why did you insist on this table?

In a few seconds, we're gonna be
able to smell what he ordered.

I'm doing really lousy
on this date, aren't I?

Well, you know, I totally understand

if you never wanted to see me again.

Is it just me, or do you
find that gay people

are getting more and more uppity?

If you want to end this
date, just say the word.

You don't have to go through
this stupid charade.

- It's not a charade.
- You think I'm an idiot?

I'm totally fine with leaving.

I could be home right now,
snuggling with my cat,

watching the Penguins game.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You like
the Pittsburgh Penguins?

- Love 'em.
- Oh, my God, they're my team, too.

- Good for you.
- No, I... You don't understand.

- I'm obsessed with them.
- Of course you are.

Everyone jumped on the bandwagon

once they started winning again.

I was born in Pittsburgh.
I'm a true fan.

So am I.

I've liked them since they
were absolutely terrible.

Their logo and name was so ridiculous,

and I like any team rooted in tragedy.

What do you mean?

Oh, you know, their first
great player, Michel Bri?re.

He had an awesome rookie year,

and then he got killed in a car
crash right after the season.

He even scored a playoff
overtime goal that year.

Oh, wow.

Please, please, please sit back down.

Sorry, amigo. Too late.

Took the wind out of my sails.

Oh, no. Sorry.

Just... I'm sorry, Louise.

Just, look, I know I fucked this up.

I just get so nervous on first dates,

second and third dates, too, and...

Could... could we please
just start this date again?

Please.

Sure. What the hell?

Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.

You know what? I-I-I'm...
What I'm gonna do,

I'm gonna go over to the ma?tre d',

and I'm gonna make sure
that we get a table

not so close to the shitter.

Who says chivalry is dead?

[CHUCKLES]

- You said I could choose.
- Yeah, but seriously,

nobody wants to see the
sequel to Three Billboards.

What? That was a classic.

Okay, okay, so then,

how come in that timeless classic

Sam Rockwell's character
throws a guy through a window

and beats him to death in broad daylight

and doesn't go to prison?

And why does he run into a fire

instead of out of the fire
when the cop station burns?

And why does a cop just take
Peter Dinklage at his word

when he alibis Fran McDormand
for starting the fire?

And why does she dress
like a grease monkey

even though she works in a gift shop?

And what's the deal with the bad guy

living in Idaho and
hanging out in Missouri?

Don't even get me started
on Woody's wife.

I thought you were just a graffiti snob.

You're a movie snob, too.

Yeah, I'm versatile.

I can't believe your
all-time favorite Penguin

is Evgeni Malkin, too.

- Why? He's incredible!
- Yeah, but you know what?

Everybody else says Crosby or Lemieux.

Well, Geno has a flair about him

and a cool sense of humor.

Yes, exactly. He's playful yet dry.

Well, this is me.

Oh, well... I had a
really good time tonight.

Me too.

Good night.

Yeah.

[BEEP]

Fuck!

And then, dude, the part
where Frances McDormand

called the rabbi a pedophile.

I can't believe you guys liked that.

Oh, wow, stop the presses.

Robbie Rotten Tomatoes
didn't like something.

Robbie Rotten Tomatoes. That's you.

That's great,

if you don't mind a ride
on the plot-hole express.

You are such an asshole, you know that?

Yes, I do.

Do you have any idea how hard
it is to create anything?

A movie, a song, a poem on a rock?

I bet you never created
anything in your whole life.

Well, no, no. That's not fair.

Actually, Loudermilk wrote a book.

What, a novel?

No, he used to be a music critic.

He wrote a book about the
worst songs ever written.

Okay.

Okay, now it's all coming together.

You're a critic!

Every critic was a failed something.

And the more you scream about
how much everything sucks,

the less of a loser you feel like.

You don't know what...
Go spray it on a rock.

Wait. You said he used to be a critic.

What do you do now? Clean toilets?

No, I don't clean toilets.

Yeah. He cleans the floors at the bank.

Wow.

That is pathetic.

I can't believe I beat you to the ledge.

BEN: Hey, what other Frances
McDormand movies do you like?

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]

- Hey, here he comes.
- Oh.

Well? You pop your lip cherry?

Eh, sort of.

What do you mean "sort of"?

You either did or you didn't.

I had the best date of
my life last night.

This woman is amazing!

She likes cats and hockey.

I was all set to give her a
kiss, and I... I did this.

Jesus.

You did that? With her?

Yeah, I know, I know.
It was a wuss move.

And she wanted me to kiss her.

No, no.

That's like shaking hands
with a bowl of pudding.

Look, I know your hand just
came out of a cast, but damn!

No, no, no, my... my hand's
back at full strength.

Here. Come on, shake my hand.

Oh, oh, ho! Ho!

That's like a peanut butter and
jelly sandwich dipped in milk.

That's better.

Well, how come no one's ever told
me my handshake sucks before?

'Cause they're not your friends.

And you guys are?

- No.
- No.

What am I gonna do?
I-I really like this girl.

I don't want her to just be my first.

I want her to be more than that.

Tell you broke your hand jerking off.

Tony, that's so fucking stupid!

I like this girl.

I don't want to lie to her anymore.

And she'd never believe
my dick was big enough

to cause breakage.

- Would she?
- No.

You know what? I got it. I got it.

Tell her you went to the
batting cages, right?

You were working on your swing,
and you check it, right?

And you sprained your hand.

You lost all masculine
hand-shaking power.

- Plausible.
- Good one.

No, no, that's stupid.

I'm just gonna be straight with her.

Tell her how I feel.

Show her the real me.

Learning how to check your swing

is such an important part
of not striking out,

and even though I don't play
in any leagues right...

Can we please not talk
about this anymore?

Oh, okay, sure. What do
you want to talk about?

I don't know.

Anything but why your
handshake is so pathetic.

You think my handshake's pathetic?

No, you said it was pathetic, remember?

And for the last 20 minutes,
you've been explaining why.

Okay, so you didn't think
my handshake was pathetic?

I was sure that's why
you ran for the door,

because of my flaccid handshake.

[LAUGHS] No.

Oh. Okay, good.

Then why did you run?

Okay, it was a combination of that

and the fact that you kind of choked

when we were gonna kiss.

But then I thought,

"So what if he doesn't have the
nuts to make the first move?"

I mean, in our new world,
a guy initiating anything

is seen as aggressive or predatory.

Thank you, Harvey Weinstein.

It's all bullshit, anyway.

Why does the man have
to be the stronger one?

Oh, you are preaching
to the choir, baby.

I'm glad you called.

I've been thinking about you a lot.

You have?

I-I've been thinking
about you a lot, too.

Is it okay if I make the first move?

Oh, God, yes, please.

Jesus! The fuck are you doing up?

I'm staking out the kitchen

to see where you've
been hiding the Ho-Hos.

Success.

That's not really why
you're awake, is it?

No, I just... I can't go to sleep.

- I...
- Oh.

I keep thinking about what
your buddy said about critics

and being failed somethings.

Maybe he's right.

This is the part where you
say something sponsor-y.

Want a half a Ho-Ho?

Well, what do you care what
Suicide Guy says anyway?

I don't.

Unless it's true.

You know, I started a new book.

Oh, really?

What, a fiction or just
another list of people

and stuff that bugs you?

No, it's a book book.

I've been working on
it a couple of months.

I got a terrific first line.

Hmm.

"If you've ever almost killed your wife

"in a drunken, bloody
car wreck, read on."

That's...

great.

Why'd you pause before "great"?

No, that was a... That was a Ho-Ho burp.

I actually think that's really great.

Yeah, thanks. That's all I have, though.

I can't get past the second sentence.

You know?

It's... When I was writing reviews,

it was different, okay?

'Cause I would just
respond to something,

and it was either good or it was shit,

and that's all I had
to say was which one.

Fucking things wrote themselves.

But with this, I don't know
what I'm responding to

except whatever comes into my head,

and everything that comes
into my head is shit.

I-I can't delete it fast enough.

Well, maybe you should
leave it for a while.

Huh?

You know, it's like, um, the
music that you love, right?

Those artists don't just make some shit

and it's perfect, and
then off they go with it.

You know, they make some
shit, and it's shitty,

so they leave it there, and
they work on something else.

And meanwhile, this shit sort of
starts to make some more sense,

and then by the time they're
working on this new shit,

the old shit's ready, you know,

'cause it's shit, so
it fertilizes itself.

And you take the old
shit and the new shit,

and pretty soon, you know, you
got this... this ball of shit,

and that's all art really is,

is just working on some
shit until it gets less...

shitty.

Huh.

Yeah, that's... Yeah. Yeah.

I think you're right. That's...

Not at all what I do, you know?

I fucking look at it and
blast the hell out of it

as soon as it hits the page.

What I got to do is get out of my head,

stop being so God damn
precious about it.

Well, if you ask me, I think
that's it right there.

But, regardless, probably be a good idea

for you to stay up all night in
the dark beating yourself up

about beating yourself up about it.

- I'll get the light for you.
- [LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS]

- Good night.
- Good night.

[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]

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