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1
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_
2
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You couldn't leave Waffles
back at the mansion
3
00:00:05,580 --> 00:00:06,627
for two hours?
4
00:00:06,660 --> 00:00:08,139
It's good to see you
haven't changed much.
5
00:00:08,140 --> 00:00:10,527
Still jousting with strangers
over absolutely nothing.
6
00:00:10,560 --> 00:00:13,260
- Are you lumberjacks?
- We're musicians, asshole.
7
00:00:13,270 --> 00:00:15,739
- You're an asshole.
- You're a total dick, man.
8
00:00:15,774 --> 00:00:18,499
I push people away, and it's
something I gotta work on,
9
00:00:18,500 --> 00:00:19,520
'cause it only hurts me.
10
00:00:19,540 --> 00:00:22,139
And I gotta work on
getting along with you
11
00:00:22,140 --> 00:00:24,507
and the world at large.
12
00:00:24,540 --> 00:00:27,580
I'm a critic with an
impeccable reputation.
13
00:00:27,600 --> 00:00:30,168
I'm a published author,
for Christ sakes.
14
00:00:30,200 --> 00:00:33,360
Huh? I'm somebody... ish.
15
00:00:33,400 --> 00:00:36,020
You haven't written
anything in, like, years.
16
00:00:36,040 --> 00:00:37,169
I could if wanted.
17
00:00:37,170 --> 00:00:38,540
Well, then do it.
18
00:00:40,247 --> 00:00:42,180
I think you're onto something, Claire.
19
00:00:49,600 --> 00:00:51,380
Appreciate you letting me
drag you along on my hike,
20
00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:53,536
but slow the fuck down,
Sonic the Hedgehog.
21
00:00:53,540 --> 00:00:56,228
If I was walking any
slower, I'd be standing.
22
00:00:56,260 --> 00:00:58,020
I'm not even working up a sweat.
23
00:00:58,040 --> 00:00:59,200
I'm sweating plenty.
24
00:00:59,220 --> 00:01:00,700
You sweat when you read.
25
00:01:00,720 --> 00:01:03,994
Yeah. So do 10 million other
James Patterson fans.
26
00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:06,031
Besides, I have hyperhidrosis.
27
00:01:06,060 --> 00:01:08,460
Hyperhidr... You don't have that.
28
00:01:08,480 --> 00:01:10,580
- It's not a real thing.
- It is, too, ignor-anus.
29
00:01:10,600 --> 00:01:12,550
I'll prove it to you.
30
00:01:12,589 --> 00:01:14,557
Hey.
31
00:01:16,938 --> 00:01:18,906
What are you doing?
32
00:01:18,940 --> 00:01:20,528
What do you mean?
33
00:01:21,598 --> 00:01:25,140
Uh, I didn't think that
I was being cryptic,
34
00:01:25,160 --> 00:01:26,280
but I'll try again.
35
00:01:26,300 --> 00:01:27,639
What are you doing?
36
00:01:29,158 --> 00:01:30,573
Expressing myself.
37
00:01:30,607 --> 00:01:32,402
On a rock?
38
00:01:32,437 --> 00:01:33,679
Yeah.
39
00:01:33,714 --> 00:01:36,303
Look, I hate all graffiti,
40
00:01:36,337 --> 00:01:39,610
but at least do it on a fucking
building or a subway car.
41
00:01:40,514 --> 00:01:42,819
Okay, what are you,
the graffiti Gestapo?
42
00:01:42,820 --> 00:01:44,780
So, what... what do we have here?
43
00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:45,864
What do we have?
44
00:01:45,898 --> 00:01:49,454
"As she dances in the bandwidth...
45
00:01:49,480 --> 00:01:52,040
"... of her redolent frown."
46
00:01:52,120 --> 00:01:53,590
What does that mean?
47
00:01:53,630 --> 00:01:55,943
Wow. Do not click on images
48
00:01:55,977 --> 00:01:57,565
when you look up "hyperhidrosis."
49
00:01:57,600 --> 00:01:59,750
Stand by. Seriously, what...
what does that mean?
50
00:01:59,780 --> 00:02:02,670
Uh, I think it's pretty
self-explanatory.
51
00:02:02,708 --> 00:02:06,160
Yeah. You... you couldn't explain that
52
00:02:06,170 --> 00:02:08,749
if you had a gun and a
dick pointed at ya.
53
00:02:08,783 --> 00:02:10,613
And a dick.
54
00:02:11,640 --> 00:02:14,990
Okay, maybe you're just not
smart enough to get it.
55
00:02:15,031 --> 00:02:17,792
Oh, well, enlighten me, Banksy.
56
00:02:17,827 --> 00:02:19,139
Okay.
57
00:02:20,968 --> 00:02:23,143
Uh...
58
00:02:23,170 --> 00:02:25,649
Okay, well, it's about a... a girl,
59
00:02:25,650 --> 00:02:29,701
and she's dancing, and she's frowning.
60
00:02:29,735 --> 00:02:31,461
She's dancing, and she's frowning.
61
00:02:31,496 --> 00:02:33,409
- Got that.
- And, you know,
62
00:02:33,410 --> 00:02:35,293
the... She... The...
63
00:02:35,327 --> 00:02:36,708
She has the bandwidth.
64
00:02:36,742 --> 00:02:38,951
The bandwidth of her
life in a post-Trump...
65
00:02:41,710 --> 00:02:43,340
Fuck, I don't know what it means, man.
66
00:02:43,360 --> 00:02:46,240
No, I didn't think so,
'cause it's horse shit.
67
00:02:46,260 --> 00:02:47,639
Trust me, I know what I'm talking about.
68
00:02:47,640 --> 00:02:49,997
I have a pretty good nose for
sniffing out people who are,
69
00:02:50,031 --> 00:02:52,793
how do I put this kindly,
70
00:02:52,827 --> 00:02:54,381
totally bereft of talent.
71
00:02:56,486 --> 00:02:57,798
Wow.
72
00:02:58,320 --> 00:02:59,700
No, you're right.
73
00:03:00,220 --> 00:03:02,690
I thought maybe I was a poet, but...
74
00:03:05,870 --> 00:03:07,279
I guess...
75
00:03:07,280 --> 00:03:10,160
I guess my father was right.
76
00:03:11,708 --> 00:03:13,054
I'm nothing.
77
00:03:13,089 --> 00:03:15,022
There ya go.
78
00:03:19,337 --> 00:03:22,029
Don't you think you were a
little hard on that dude?
79
00:03:22,063 --> 00:03:23,203
What dude?
80
00:03:23,237 --> 00:03:24,790
That... that dude.
81
00:03:24,820 --> 00:03:26,380
Oh, no.
82
00:03:26,410 --> 00:03:30,037
One thing I know about
artists, they have thick skin.
83
00:03:31,130 --> 00:03:36,130
- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
84
00:03:41,704 --> 00:03:44,569
So there I was, face-to-face
with Liz Solomon,
85
00:03:44,603 --> 00:03:46,847
first time I've seen
her since high school.
86
00:03:46,881 --> 00:03:49,367
Jesus, she's even prettier now.
87
00:03:49,400 --> 00:03:51,360
I contacted her because she's an artist
88
00:03:51,380 --> 00:03:53,888
and I wanted to commission
a painting of my cat.
89
00:03:53,920 --> 00:03:56,600
Only a pussy would order
a painting of a pussy.
90
00:03:56,620 --> 00:03:59,066
I'd order a painting of a pussy.
91
00:03:59,100 --> 00:04:00,757
Okay, if you must know,
92
00:04:00,792 --> 00:04:02,725
I wasn't only ordering the painting
93
00:04:02,759 --> 00:04:05,245
just to pay homage to my cat.
94
00:04:06,440 --> 00:04:09,420
I was using it as an excuse
to get in touch with Liz.
95
00:04:09,450 --> 00:04:10,959
See, I set up a Google alert,
96
00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:13,218
"Liz Solomon divorce" years ago.
97
00:04:13,977 --> 00:04:16,532
And it finally went off. Good news.
98
00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:18,920
Oh, I had such a crush on this girl.
99
00:04:19,397 --> 00:04:21,985
I thought she had one on me, too.
100
00:04:22,020 --> 00:04:24,952
But then when I went to pick
up my painting last night,
101
00:04:24,953 --> 00:04:27,770
she didn't remember the inside
joke we had in English class,
102
00:04:28,302 --> 00:04:31,616
and she got my name
wrong, first and last.
103
00:04:31,650 --> 00:04:33,203
Well, what did you expect?
104
00:04:33,238 --> 00:04:35,447
You haven't been to high
school for 50 years.
105
00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:37,240
- Forty years.
- Okay.
106
00:04:37,242 --> 00:04:39,279
Hey, chin up, man.
107
00:04:39,313 --> 00:04:41,246
Unrequited love gets a bad rap.
108
00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:42,316
How so?
109
00:04:42,351 --> 00:04:44,359
Well, because it's actually
the only kind of love
110
00:04:44,360 --> 00:04:45,660
that doesn't break your heart.
111
00:04:45,680 --> 00:04:49,012
Unlike requited love, which will
tear it out and shit on it.
112
00:04:49,047 --> 00:04:51,127
I don't understand. Why are
you so obsessed with her?
113
00:04:51,770 --> 00:04:52,980
I'm not obsessed.
114
00:04:53,020 --> 00:04:54,980
Then why do you look so sad?
115
00:04:55,018 --> 00:04:56,986
I'm not sad. This is just my face.
116
00:04:57,020 --> 00:04:59,402
I'd be sad, too, if I
had a face like that.
117
00:04:59,437 --> 00:05:00,541
Fuck you.
118
00:05:00,550 --> 00:05:02,119
Ooh.
119
00:05:07,030 --> 00:05:08,308
Rog?
120
00:05:08,990 --> 00:05:10,220
Rog?
121
00:05:11,680 --> 00:05:12,979
Hey.
122
00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:14,279
Didn't hear you there.
123
00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:15,299
Do you have a minute?
124
00:05:15,300 --> 00:05:18,329
Th-there's something
I-I need to talk about.
125
00:05:18,330 --> 00:05:20,249
Maybe I should go and get Loudermilk.
126
00:05:20,250 --> 00:05:22,322
No. No, no, no, no.
127
00:05:22,350 --> 00:05:24,119
I don't want him to know my secrets.
128
00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:25,720
But he's our leader,
129
00:05:25,740 --> 00:05:27,844
and he can help you
much more than I can.
130
00:05:27,870 --> 00:05:29,040
No, you don't... you don't get it.
131
00:05:29,050 --> 00:05:30,882
I-I've never told this to anyone.
132
00:05:36,320 --> 00:05:37,330
Well?
133
00:05:38,020 --> 00:05:40,340
Look, I know I've talked a big game,
134
00:05:42,300 --> 00:05:44,680
but I haven't really banged Rihanna.
135
00:05:45,480 --> 00:05:47,520
Or fingered Kristin Chenoweth.
136
00:05:48,360 --> 00:05:49,999
I'm disappointed.
137
00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:52,973
There I was living
vicariously through you.
138
00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:55,280
Yeah, I know, I know. Sorry.
139
00:05:56,340 --> 00:05:57,540
See, what got me so down
140
00:05:57,550 --> 00:05:59,876
about seeing that woman from high school
141
00:05:59,911 --> 00:06:02,638
was realizing how little
my life had changed.
142
00:06:02,672 --> 00:06:04,329
I mean, professionally,
yeah, I'm killing it.
143
00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:05,986
I'm T. rex with a monster cock.
144
00:06:06,020 --> 00:06:10,340
But, romantically, not so much.
145
00:06:11,440 --> 00:06:15,029
Tony and Cisco were
right. You're a virgin.
146
00:06:15,620 --> 00:06:17,540
That's crazy. It's laughable.
147
00:06:17,584 --> 00:06:19,586
I'm just a...
148
00:06:19,620 --> 00:06:20,863
lip virgin.
149
00:06:22,105 --> 00:06:24,418
What, you mean you've never
gone down on a woman.
150
00:06:24,453 --> 00:06:27,004
Good God, no. Bathroom parts
go with bathroom parts.
151
00:06:27,005 --> 00:06:28,422
But that's not what I meant.
152
00:06:29,080 --> 00:06:31,700
I meant I've never, uh...
153
00:06:33,703 --> 00:06:35,912
I-I've never kissed a woman.
154
00:06:35,947 --> 00:06:37,604
What, never?
155
00:06:37,630 --> 00:06:40,139
But how can you have
had sex with a woman
156
00:06:40,140 --> 00:06:41,160
and never been kissed?
157
00:06:42,643 --> 00:06:46,854
Okay, look, I've only had intercourse
with professional women.
158
00:06:46,880 --> 00:06:48,440
By professional, I don't
mean women with careers.
159
00:06:48,470 --> 00:06:50,271
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got it.
160
00:06:50,306 --> 00:06:53,102
See, prostitutes won't
let you kiss them.
161
00:06:53,136 --> 00:06:56,450
Yeah, maybe you should be talking
about this with Loudermilk.
162
00:06:56,485 --> 00:06:58,452
It may be the reason you did meth.
163
00:06:58,480 --> 00:07:00,480
No, no, no. You can't tell a soul.
164
00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:03,423
This... Roger, this is too
fuckin' embarrassing.
165
00:07:03,450 --> 00:07:05,700
Well, why are you telling me?
166
00:07:05,720 --> 00:07:08,117
I don't know. I needed to tell somebody.
167
00:07:08,151 --> 00:07:09,808
And I feel safe with
you because, you know,
168
00:07:09,843 --> 00:07:11,154
you don't have complete arms.
169
00:07:12,466 --> 00:07:14,157
No, I... That came out wrong.
170
00:07:14,192 --> 00:07:17,057
I just meant me and you,
like, we're one of a kind
171
00:07:17,091 --> 00:07:19,266
because we've both been
fucked so badly by God.
172
00:07:20,060 --> 00:07:21,441
No, it's not just that.
173
00:07:21,475 --> 00:07:22,787
You're smarter and more sensitive
174
00:07:22,821 --> 00:07:24,271
than anybody in that group,
175
00:07:24,305 --> 00:07:25,962
and you've got that beautiful accent.
176
00:07:25,970 --> 00:07:28,655
And, look, can you please help me?
177
00:07:28,689 --> 00:07:30,750
Roger, you're my best friend.
178
00:07:33,820 --> 00:07:36,100
I'm sorry, man, I can't.
179
00:07:36,310 --> 00:07:38,510
Look, my mum is ill.
180
00:07:38,540 --> 00:07:41,150
Seriously ill, and I've
gotta go back to England
181
00:07:41,160 --> 00:07:42,490
to look after her for a while.
182
00:07:42,530 --> 00:07:43,540
Yeah, yeah, that's good for you.
183
00:07:43,550 --> 00:07:45,154
But what about me?
184
00:07:47,639 --> 00:07:49,330
Don't worry.
185
00:07:49,365 --> 00:07:50,845
I'll make sure you get what you need.
186
00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:53,950
Phew.
187
00:07:53,990 --> 00:07:56,179
I can't believe you dragged
me all the way back here
188
00:07:56,180 --> 00:07:57,820
to look for a God damn headband.
189
00:07:57,850 --> 00:08:00,019
That headband was a gift
from my pickle ball team.
190
00:08:00,020 --> 00:08:01,680
It's very special, thanks.
191
00:08:01,722 --> 00:08:03,103
Well, I'll buy you another one.
192
00:08:03,137 --> 00:08:04,680
I don't even remember
you wearing a head...
193
00:08:04,691 --> 00:08:06,416
What's pickle ball?
194
00:08:06,450 --> 00:08:07,600
You don't know what pickle ball is?
195
00:08:07,620 --> 00:08:09,661
Well, it's a cross between
tennis and badminton.
196
00:08:09,696 --> 00:08:12,699
It's normally played on
grass, turf, dirt, or sand.
197
00:08:13,803 --> 00:08:15,115
What the fuck's he doing now?
198
00:08:15,149 --> 00:08:16,439
I told you you were
too hard on the dude.
199
00:08:16,440 --> 00:08:17,800
Now he's gonna kill himself.
200
00:08:17,842 --> 00:08:20,292
Huh? No, you don't know that.
201
00:08:20,327 --> 00:08:22,053
He could just be looking
for a better view.
202
00:08:22,087 --> 00:08:23,500
Really? Okay, then why did he write,
203
00:08:23,520 --> 00:08:25,500
"Goodbye, world," on the rocks, then?
204
00:08:25,539 --> 00:08:26,816
- I don't know.
- Oh, boy.
205
00:08:26,850 --> 00:08:27,980
- Shit.
- Okay.
206
00:08:28,020 --> 00:08:29,470
Go talk to him, man. This is your fault.
207
00:08:29,500 --> 00:08:30,760
Yeah... My fault?
208
00:08:30,780 --> 00:08:33,202
I shit on the guy for, like, 30 seconds.
209
00:08:33,236 --> 00:08:34,859
Obviously, he had prior issues
210
00:08:34,870 --> 00:08:37,660
or he wouldn't be writing
that drivel on rocks.
211
00:08:37,860 --> 00:08:41,000
Hey, hey, buddy. What...
what are you doing?
212
00:08:41,030 --> 00:08:44,070
I'm about to jump to my death
because of you, asshole!
213
00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:46,660
The least you could do
is wish me good luck!
214
00:08:46,680 --> 00:08:49,040
Come on down from there.
Don't do anything stupid.
215
00:08:49,060 --> 00:08:50,760
Oh, so now I'm stupid, too?
216
00:08:50,770 --> 00:08:53,671
No, I said don't do anything stupid.
217
00:08:53,705 --> 00:08:57,364
Look, I was a jerk earlier, okay?
218
00:08:57,398 --> 00:09:00,816
I... Your bandwidth poem
is actually pretty...
219
00:09:00,850 --> 00:09:02,300
pretty... pretty good.
220
00:09:02,320 --> 00:09:04,060
Oh, don't patronize me.
221
00:09:04,090 --> 00:09:06,999
No? Okay, 'cause it sucked.
222
00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:09,652
Uh, you fucking misspelled "bandwidth."
223
00:09:09,687 --> 00:09:11,067
How do you know how to spell "redolent"?
224
00:09:11,100 --> 00:09:13,000
I thought it was great.
225
00:09:13,020 --> 00:09:15,416
You're a wonderful writer!
You have a gift!
226
00:09:15,451 --> 00:09:18,074
No. No, your friend's right.
227
00:09:18,109 --> 00:09:19,351
It's a joke!
228
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:22,560
I'm a joke.
229
00:09:22,590 --> 00:09:24,940
I can't even kill myself right.
230
00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:26,530
I've been up here since this morning
231
00:09:26,560 --> 00:09:28,820
because I don't have the balls to jump.
232
00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:30,879
Sure, you do! I mean, you...
233
00:09:30,880 --> 00:09:32,859
You have... you have balls, you know.
234
00:09:32,860 --> 00:09:33,879
You got lots of balls,
235
00:09:33,880 --> 00:09:36,400
and you're gonna do lots
of great stuff, okay?
236
00:09:36,420 --> 00:09:37,850
But you're not gonna do this.
237
00:09:37,887 --> 00:09:39,302
- Because...
- Because why?
238
00:09:39,330 --> 00:09:42,640
Plenty of reasons. I
mean, you're thin, okay.
239
00:09:42,660 --> 00:09:44,510
I mean, shit, I wish I
had your metabolism.
240
00:09:44,549 --> 00:09:46,033
There's one reason right there.
241
00:09:46,068 --> 00:09:48,104
And you don't have hyperhidrosis.
242
00:09:48,139 --> 00:09:50,590
That's for sure. You're
out here in the sun.
243
00:09:50,624 --> 00:09:52,170
You seem to be cool as a cucumber.
244
00:09:52,180 --> 00:09:53,199
I'm jealous.
245
00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:54,990
Look, I don't know
your full deal, buddy,
246
00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:58,210
but, you know, we all go through shit.
247
00:09:58,252 --> 00:10:00,772
And we all think that life
can't get any better.
248
00:10:00,807 --> 00:10:03,489
But it... it... it can.
249
00:10:03,490 --> 00:10:05,149
Well, that's all you got?
250
00:10:05,150 --> 00:10:06,260
Oh, I'm jumping.
251
00:10:06,295 --> 00:10:08,499
- Oh, no, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Whoa, whoa, hey, don't, no!
252
00:10:08,500 --> 00:10:09,509
He's just war... he's warming up.
253
00:10:09,510 --> 00:10:11,890
Listen, it's not just you
that would be hurt, okay?
254
00:10:11,900 --> 00:10:13,700
Think about the people
who care about you.
255
00:10:13,740 --> 00:10:15,699
Oh, strike two!
256
00:10:15,700 --> 00:10:17,610
No one cares about me!
257
00:10:17,651 --> 00:10:19,620
I have to go to restaurants,
258
00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:23,080
even movies alone!
259
00:10:24,209 --> 00:10:27,143
All right, well, if that's what
this is about, come on down.
260
00:10:27,178 --> 00:10:28,904
I'll go to a movie with ya.
261
00:10:33,640 --> 00:10:35,280
Which movie?
262
00:10:35,324 --> 00:10:36,843
You pick it.
263
00:10:36,870 --> 00:10:39,350
Just none of that comic-book bullshit.
264
00:10:40,432 --> 00:10:41,675
When?
265
00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:44,160
Thursday.
266
00:10:47,380 --> 00:10:50,860
Well, I mean, I might have to
move a few things around, but...
267
00:10:50,880 --> 00:10:52,686
Yes. Fuck it, let's do it!
268
00:10:52,721 --> 00:10:53,825
All right!
269
00:10:53,860 --> 00:10:55,447
- Super.
- Yeah!
270
00:10:55,482 --> 00:10:56,759
You're gonna live!
271
00:10:57,760 --> 00:10:59,037
Oh.
272
00:10:59,072 --> 00:11:00,832
Can I have some help getting down?
273
00:11:04,680 --> 00:11:07,970
♪ The sidewalk bends
where your house ends ♪
274
00:11:07,980 --> 00:11:12,016
♪ Like the neighborhood
is on its knees ♪
275
00:11:12,050 --> 00:11:15,900
♪ Surrounded by a chain-link fence ♪
276
00:11:15,920 --> 00:11:20,120
♪ Keeps me out, but lets me see ♪
277
00:11:22,371 --> 00:11:26,513
♪ But someday when my heart exhales ♪
278
00:11:26,547 --> 00:11:29,792
♪ I'll tell you everything ♪
279
00:11:29,827 --> 00:11:36,316
♪ Those sweet words
spilling all about us ♪
280
00:11:37,100 --> 00:11:41,040
♪ I'll say, "Please,
please be with me" ♪
281
00:11:41,079 --> 00:11:44,842
♪ And I'll breathe so easily ♪
282
00:11:44,876 --> 00:11:49,225
♪ But instead I'm turning blue ♪
283
00:11:49,260 --> 00:11:51,918
♪ I look at you and keep my... ♪
284
00:11:51,952 --> 00:11:53,264
What are you guys doing here?
285
00:11:53,290 --> 00:11:54,900
Roger told us about your lady problems.
286
00:11:54,940 --> 00:11:56,540
I told him not to tell anyone.
287
00:11:56,577 --> 00:11:58,545
We really want to help.
288
00:11:58,579 --> 00:12:01,065
Okay, okay, but nobody else, okay?
289
00:12:01,099 --> 00:12:03,032
This just stays within...
within our gang.
290
00:12:03,067 --> 00:12:04,102
- Oh, okay.
- Okay.
291
00:12:04,130 --> 00:12:05,240
Don't be ashamed, New Guy.
292
00:12:05,300 --> 00:12:08,000
Look, it's obvious you made a
success of yourself somehow.
293
00:12:08,037 --> 00:12:09,729
And maybe you haven't had
time for a social life.
294
00:12:09,763 --> 00:12:11,523
Oh, yeah. Yeah, let's go with that.
295
00:12:14,561 --> 00:12:16,563
Hey! What the fuck is he doing here?
296
00:12:16,597 --> 00:12:19,221
Yeah, he was, uh, eavesdropping
on my conversation with Cloud.
297
00:12:19,255 --> 00:12:21,602
Hey, man. 15-foot rule.
298
00:12:21,630 --> 00:12:22,800
If you don't whisper,
299
00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:26,190
it's rude for anybody within
15 feet not to listen.
300
00:12:27,190 --> 00:12:28,520
Am I too late? What did I miss?
301
00:12:28,540 --> 00:12:30,404
This is fucking absurd!
302
00:12:30,439 --> 00:12:31,785
You know what's absurd?
303
00:12:31,820 --> 00:12:34,080
That you prize secrecy over assistance.
304
00:12:34,100 --> 00:12:36,340
These guys are here to help
you pop your lip cherry, man.
305
00:12:36,380 --> 00:12:37,720
Yeah. I don't want his help.
306
00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:40,656
Oh, I see. Okay, you don't want my help.
307
00:12:40,690 --> 00:12:43,220
All right, then I guess I'll
just call that chick back
308
00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:45,590
who I set you up with and
tell her it's off, hmm?
309
00:12:45,626 --> 00:12:48,768
What, you set me up? Why?
310
00:12:48,802 --> 00:12:50,524
Listen, I'm not a religious man,
311
00:12:50,525 --> 00:12:53,029
but I do believe that good
pussy can save a man's soul.
312
00:12:53,030 --> 00:12:55,919
And I also thought if I could
get somebody somewhere
313
00:12:55,920 --> 00:12:57,910
to want to kiss you consensually,
314
00:12:57,949 --> 00:13:01,125
maybe you'd be a little bit
less of a turd all the time.
315
00:13:01,159 --> 00:13:02,609
Oh, okay. I'm sorry, Mugsy.
316
00:13:02,643 --> 00:13:04,128
That... that was nice of you.
317
00:13:04,162 --> 00:13:05,888
Yeah. And she's a great woman.
318
00:13:05,923 --> 00:13:07,509
- Tons in common with you.
- Mmm.
319
00:13:07,510 --> 00:13:08,740
Except she's good-looking.
320
00:13:08,750 --> 00:13:10,020
Ooh.
321
00:13:10,060 --> 00:13:11,940
- Damn, she's early.
- She's here?
322
00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:13,620
Why didn't you tell me she's on her way?
323
00:13:13,654 --> 00:13:15,173
Because I didn't want to stress you out.
324
00:13:15,208 --> 00:13:16,657
I'm stressed now!
325
00:13:16,692 --> 00:13:18,004
Oh, how do I look? How do I look?
326
00:13:18,030 --> 00:13:19,080
Don't make us answer that question.
327
00:13:19,100 --> 00:13:20,765
We want to send you on the
date with confidence.
328
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,491
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.
329
00:13:23,940 --> 00:13:25,249
What the hell are you doing?
330
00:13:25,250 --> 00:13:27,599
You don't throw a Hail Mary on
the first play of the game.
331
00:13:27,634 --> 00:13:29,153
Give me that!
332
00:13:29,187 --> 00:13:30,319
Okay, hey.
333
00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:32,673
Hey, a little privacy, please.
334
00:13:32,708 --> 00:13:34,399
Backyard. Backyard!
335
00:13:34,434 --> 00:13:35,504
Oh.
336
00:13:43,600 --> 00:13:44,620
Hi.
337
00:13:46,510 --> 00:13:47,710
Hello.
338
00:13:48,020 --> 00:13:50,260
Um, am I early?
339
00:13:50,691 --> 00:13:52,141
Oh, no. No.
340
00:13:52,176 --> 00:13:53,850
Um, oh, you know what? One of my...
341
00:13:53,860 --> 00:13:55,120
one of my cats just got out.
342
00:13:55,140 --> 00:13:56,799
Could... could you just stay
there for a second, please?
343
00:13:56,800 --> 00:13:59,370
- Oh, God, can I help?
- No. No, no, thank you.
344
00:13:59,380 --> 00:14:01,420
That's really sweet of you,
but if you could just, like,
345
00:14:01,460 --> 00:14:02,780
stay right there, please,
346
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:06,310
in case my cat rings, you
know, the... the doorbell.
347
00:14:12,541 --> 00:14:14,025
What the fuck?
348
00:14:14,060 --> 00:14:16,234
Hey, what are you so upset about?
349
00:14:16,269 --> 00:14:17,684
She's a midget!
350
00:14:17,710 --> 00:14:19,460
Hey, the correct term
is "little person."
351
00:14:19,480 --> 00:14:20,620
Don't be a racist.
352
00:14:20,640 --> 00:14:23,207
No, no, no, he can call her
that 'cause he's one himself.
353
00:14:23,240 --> 00:14:25,330
Yeah, like you guys can
call each other...
354
00:14:26,700 --> 00:14:28,000
Bro.
355
00:14:28,039 --> 00:14:30,041
Guys, I'm not a little person.
356
00:14:30,076 --> 00:14:31,732
What? What are you talking about?
357
00:14:31,767 --> 00:14:34,735
Well, I'm saying that I'm
not a little person.
358
00:14:34,770 --> 00:14:37,704
You're telling me you're
not a little person?
359
00:14:37,738 --> 00:14:38,774
No!
360
00:14:38,808 --> 00:14:39,982
All right, well, God damn!
361
00:14:40,017 --> 00:14:41,697
I don't know what the
cutoff is? I'm sorry.
362
00:14:43,020 --> 00:14:45,401
What the fuck are you doing
in my pool in your underwear?
363
00:14:45,430 --> 00:14:47,680
You said to make yourselves
at home. Plus, I was sweaty.
364
00:14:47,700 --> 00:14:50,140
I never said anything
remotely like that.
365
00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:52,581
God, what the fuck am I
gonna do about this girl?
366
00:14:52,615 --> 00:14:54,850
- Tell her you're out of town.
- She just saw me!
367
00:14:54,860 --> 00:14:56,100
Then tell her you're going out of town.
368
00:14:56,136 --> 00:14:58,069
I can't cancel.
369
00:14:58,100 --> 00:15:01,280
She'll know it's 'cause
of her height. Look...
370
00:15:01,300 --> 00:15:02,902
I know what it's like
to have a date cancel
371
00:15:02,936 --> 00:15:05,240
at the last second
based on how you look.
372
00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:06,870
This is what you do.
373
00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:09,218
You go on the date, and when
you're out, you pick a fight.
374
00:15:09,253 --> 00:15:11,048
Right? You won't have to see her again,
375
00:15:11,080 --> 00:15:13,380
and that way, she won't know
that you're a height-ist.
376
00:15:14,154 --> 00:15:16,018
Okay, yeah, yeah. Pick a
fight like a gentleman.
377
00:15:16,053 --> 00:15:17,986
That could work, yes, thank you.
378
00:15:18,020 --> 00:15:20,264
The Wonder-Chopper, a blade so sharp,
379
00:15:20,298 --> 00:15:22,162
you'll wonder what it can't cut.
380
00:15:22,197 --> 00:15:24,020
Garlic, tomatoes, carrots,
381
00:15:24,040 --> 00:15:25,780
potatoes. If you eat it, the...
382
00:15:25,821 --> 00:15:27,616
How do you guys watch this crap?
383
00:15:27,650 --> 00:15:28,880
It's a commercial.
384
00:15:28,900 --> 00:15:30,895
You don't even know what
the fuck we're watching.
385
00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:33,173
I don't have to. It's TV. It all sucks.
386
00:15:33,208 --> 00:15:35,935
Oh, does it? How about Survivor?
387
00:15:35,969 --> 00:15:38,399
And Buddy 'n' Andy. And
why aren't you dressed?
388
00:15:38,400 --> 00:15:40,629
- What are you talking about?
- You're wearing sweatpants.
389
00:15:40,663 --> 00:15:42,631
I didn't realize we had a dress code.
390
00:15:42,665 --> 00:15:43,943
No, it's Thursday.
391
00:15:43,977 --> 00:15:45,427
Yeah.
392
00:15:45,461 --> 00:15:47,799
Holy shit. You promised suicide guy
393
00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:49,293
you'd take him to dinner
and a movie tonight.
394
00:15:49,327 --> 00:15:51,743
So? It's a guy on a ledge.
395
00:15:51,778 --> 00:15:54,469
You say whatever you
have to. It's not binding.
396
00:15:54,470 --> 00:15:55,713
Yes, it is.
397
00:15:55,747 --> 00:15:57,577
Besides, he sounded really nice.
398
00:15:57,610 --> 00:15:58,900
When did you talk to him?
399
00:15:58,910 --> 00:16:01,132
When Ben called him to confirm
your plans for tonight.
400
00:16:01,167 --> 00:16:02,340
How do you even have his number?
401
00:16:02,375 --> 00:16:04,998
We exchanged numbers, dude.
402
00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:07,439
That's what you do after
a suicide attempt.
403
00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:08,450
Fuck, man.
404
00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:10,866
All right, so you go hang out with him.
405
00:16:10,900 --> 00:16:13,282
No, no. Suicide guy is
your friend, not mine.
406
00:16:13,317 --> 00:16:15,181
You're the one who's
got him on speed dial.
407
00:16:15,210 --> 00:16:17,379
Hey, look, the guy might be a psycho.
408
00:16:17,380 --> 00:16:18,800
I don't want to hang out with him alone.
409
00:16:18,839 --> 00:16:20,255
Okay. All right, fine.
410
00:16:20,289 --> 00:16:22,188
You know what? I'll go with ya.
411
00:16:22,222 --> 00:16:23,258
How's that?
412
00:16:24,052 --> 00:16:25,605
This is a nice restaurant.
413
00:16:25,639 --> 00:16:27,296
- Thank you.
- Yeah, no worries.
414
00:16:27,331 --> 00:16:29,678
- So who did you vote for?
- Pardon?
415
00:16:29,712 --> 00:16:32,019
You a Trumpy, like me? I love that guy.
416
00:16:32,020 --> 00:16:33,990
He sure does what he
says he's gonna do, huh?
417
00:16:34,950 --> 00:16:36,940
I... guess.
418
00:16:38,204 --> 00:16:40,654
I wish he'd build a wall
at the Canadian border.
419
00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:42,940
Many Canadians are
rapists, too, you know.
420
00:16:43,519 --> 00:16:44,762
You're joking, right?
421
00:16:44,770 --> 00:16:45,879
Oh, no, that's how I really feel.
422
00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:48,179
I find Canadians to be
really, really sleazy.
423
00:16:49,525 --> 00:16:52,183
Um, hey, what's... what's
your view on arming teachers?
424
00:16:52,810 --> 00:16:53,849
Idiotic.
425
00:16:53,850 --> 00:16:55,340
Oh, idiotic, huh?
426
00:16:55,360 --> 00:16:57,637
Sure, sure. Bury your head in the sand.
427
00:16:57,671 --> 00:17:00,398
Um... Oh, hey, what do you think
428
00:17:00,430 --> 00:17:02,029
about this climate change bullshit?
429
00:17:02,030 --> 00:17:03,919
Why are you asking me this?
430
00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:05,560
That's how you get to know a person,
431
00:17:05,580 --> 00:17:06,853
by asking them questions.
432
00:17:07,990 --> 00:17:11,360
And why did you insist on this table?
433
00:17:11,400 --> 00:17:14,040
In a few seconds, we're gonna be
able to smell what he ordered.
434
00:17:14,826 --> 00:17:17,553
I'm doing really lousy
on this date, aren't I?
435
00:17:17,588 --> 00:17:18,889
Well, you know, I totally understand
436
00:17:18,890 --> 00:17:21,000
if you never wanted to see me again.
437
00:17:22,282 --> 00:17:23,973
Is it just me, or do you
find that gay people
438
00:17:23,980 --> 00:17:25,300
are getting more and more uppity?
439
00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:27,563
If you want to end this
date, just say the word.
440
00:17:27,598 --> 00:17:29,600
You don't have to go through
this stupid charade.
441
00:17:29,634 --> 00:17:31,533
- It's not a charade.
- You think I'm an idiot?
442
00:17:31,567 --> 00:17:33,190
I'm totally fine with leaving.
443
00:17:33,224 --> 00:17:35,330
I could be home right now,
snuggling with my cat,
444
00:17:35,360 --> 00:17:36,980
watching the Penguins game.
445
00:17:37,620 --> 00:17:39,570
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You like
the Pittsburgh Penguins?
446
00:17:39,610 --> 00:17:41,681
- Love 'em.
- Oh, my God, they're my team, too.
447
00:17:41,710 --> 00:17:43,380
- Good for you.
- No, I... You don't understand.
448
00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:45,616
- I'm obsessed with them.
- Of course you are.
449
00:17:45,650 --> 00:17:47,160
Everyone jumped on the bandwagon
450
00:17:47,180 --> 00:17:48,584
once they started winning again.
451
00:17:48,619 --> 00:17:50,724
I was born in Pittsburgh.
I'm a true fan.
452
00:17:50,750 --> 00:17:51,839
So am I.
453
00:17:51,840 --> 00:17:54,500
I've liked them since they
were absolutely terrible.
454
00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:56,620
Their logo and name was so ridiculous,
455
00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:58,790
and I like any team rooted in tragedy.
456
00:17:59,520 --> 00:18:00,640
What do you mean?
457
00:18:00,660 --> 00:18:03,530
Oh, you know, their first
great player, Michel Brière.
458
00:18:03,565 --> 00:18:05,049
He had an awesome rookie year,
459
00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:07,948
and then he got killed in a car
crash right after the season.
460
00:18:07,983 --> 00:18:10,399
He even scored a playoff
overtime goal that year.
461
00:18:11,573 --> 00:18:12,884
Oh, wow.
462
00:18:12,919 --> 00:18:14,817
Please, please, please sit back down.
463
00:18:19,100 --> 00:18:21,640
Sorry, amigo. Too late.
464
00:18:22,130 --> 00:18:24,180
Took the wind out of my sails.
465
00:18:24,240 --> 00:18:25,720
Oh, no. Sorry.
466
00:18:25,750 --> 00:18:26,859
Just... I'm sorry, Louise.
467
00:18:26,860 --> 00:18:28,899
Just, look, I know I fucked this up.
468
00:18:28,900 --> 00:18:31,524
I just get so nervous on first dates,
469
00:18:31,558 --> 00:18:33,353
second and third dates, too, and...
470
00:18:33,380 --> 00:18:37,060
Could... could we please
just start this date again?
471
00:18:37,357 --> 00:18:38,393
Please.
472
00:18:40,981 --> 00:18:43,122
Sure. What the hell?
473
00:18:43,156 --> 00:18:44,537
Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.
474
00:18:44,571 --> 00:18:46,125
You know what? I-I-I'm...
What I'm gonna do,
475
00:18:46,159 --> 00:18:47,574
I'm gonna go over to the maître d',
476
00:18:47,580 --> 00:18:48,920
and I'm gonna make sure
that we get a table
477
00:18:48,940 --> 00:18:50,300
not so close to the shitter.
478
00:18:50,819 --> 00:18:52,648
Who says chivalry is dead?
479
00:18:54,961 --> 00:18:57,136
- You said I could choose.
- Yeah, but seriously,
480
00:18:57,140 --> 00:18:59,560
nobody wants to see the
sequel to Three Billboards.
481
00:18:59,840 --> 00:19:02,269
What? That was a classic.
482
00:19:02,270 --> 00:19:04,798
Okay, okay, so then,
483
00:19:04,833 --> 00:19:06,835
how come in that timeless classic
484
00:19:06,869 --> 00:19:08,940
Sam Rockwell's character
throws a guy through a window
485
00:19:08,975 --> 00:19:10,735
and beats him to death in broad daylight
486
00:19:10,770 --> 00:19:12,358
and doesn't go to prison?
487
00:19:12,392 --> 00:19:14,118
And why does he run into a fire
488
00:19:14,153 --> 00:19:16,638
instead of out of the fire
when the cop station burns?
489
00:19:16,672 --> 00:19:19,468
And why does a cop just take
Peter Dinklage at his word
490
00:19:19,503 --> 00:19:21,988
when he alibis Fran McDormand
for starting the fire?
491
00:19:22,020 --> 00:19:23,840
And why does she dress
like a grease monkey
492
00:19:23,860 --> 00:19:25,420
even though she works in a gift shop?
493
00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:27,160
And what's the deal with the bad guy
494
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:29,090
living in Idaho and
hanging out in Missouri?
495
00:19:29,130 --> 00:19:30,980
Don't even get me started
on Woody's wife.
496
00:19:31,540 --> 00:19:33,960
I thought you were just a graffiti snob.
497
00:19:34,440 --> 00:19:36,180
You're a movie snob, too.
498
00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:38,060
Yeah, I'm versatile.
499
00:19:40,170 --> 00:19:42,419
I can't believe your
all-time favorite Penguin
500
00:19:42,420 --> 00:19:43,906
is Evgeni Malkin, too.
501
00:19:43,910 --> 00:19:46,120
- Why? He's incredible!
- Yeah, but you know what?
502
00:19:46,140 --> 00:19:48,040
Everybody else says Crosby or Lemieux.
503
00:19:48,083 --> 00:19:49,705
Well, Geno has a flair about him
504
00:19:49,740 --> 00:19:51,017
and a cool sense of humor.
505
00:19:51,051 --> 00:19:53,468
Yes, exactly. He's playful yet dry.
506
00:19:54,570 --> 00:19:56,829
Well, this is me.
507
00:19:56,830 --> 00:19:59,840
Oh, well... I had a
really good time tonight.
508
00:20:00,540 --> 00:20:01,800
Me too.
509
00:20:07,220 --> 00:20:08,460
Good night.
510
00:20:10,899 --> 00:20:12,072
Yeah.
511
00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:22,500
Fuck!
512
00:20:22,773 --> 00:20:25,532
And then, dude, the part
where Frances McDormand
513
00:20:25,533 --> 00:20:27,087
called the rabbi a pedophile.
514
00:20:27,122 --> 00:20:29,538
I can't believe you guys liked that.
515
00:20:29,570 --> 00:20:30,880
Oh, wow, stop the presses.
516
00:20:30,900 --> 00:20:33,232
Robbie Rotten Tomatoes
didn't like something.
517
00:20:33,266 --> 00:20:35,475
Robbie Rotten Tomatoes. That's you.
518
00:20:35,510 --> 00:20:36,640
That's great,
519
00:20:36,660 --> 00:20:39,030
if you don't mind a ride
on the plot-hole express.
520
00:20:39,065 --> 00:20:41,585
You are such an asshole, you know that?
521
00:20:42,270 --> 00:20:44,160
Yes, I do.
522
00:20:44,180 --> 00:20:47,867
Do you have any idea how hard
it is to create anything?
523
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:51,111
A movie, a song, a poem on a rock?
524
00:20:51,146 --> 00:20:53,079
I bet you never created
anything in your whole life.
525
00:20:53,113 --> 00:20:54,500
Well, no, no. That's not fair.
526
00:20:54,520 --> 00:20:56,110
Actually, Loudermilk wrote a book.
527
00:20:58,049 --> 00:20:59,223
What, a novel?
528
00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:00,742
No, he used to be a music critic.
529
00:21:00,776 --> 00:21:02,882
He wrote a book about the
worst songs ever written.
530
00:21:03,814 --> 00:21:05,816
Okay.
531
00:21:05,850 --> 00:21:07,509
Okay, now it's all coming together.
532
00:21:07,510 --> 00:21:08,900
You're a critic!
533
00:21:09,475 --> 00:21:13,099
Every critic was a failed something.
534
00:21:13,133 --> 00:21:15,066
And the more you scream about
how much everything sucks,
535
00:21:15,100 --> 00:21:16,460
the less of a loser you feel like.
536
00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:18,829
You don't know what...
Go spray it on a rock.
537
00:21:18,863 --> 00:21:21,383
Wait. You said he used to be a critic.
538
00:21:21,418 --> 00:21:23,627
What do you do now? Clean toilets?
539
00:21:23,660 --> 00:21:25,220
No, I don't clean toilets.
540
00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:28,220
Yeah. He cleans the floors at the bank.
541
00:21:31,250 --> 00:21:32,800
Wow.
542
00:21:33,480 --> 00:21:35,140
That is pathetic.
543
00:21:35,440 --> 00:21:37,290
I can't believe I beat you to the ledge.
544
00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:44,201
Hey, what other Frances
McDormand movies do you like?
545
00:21:49,820 --> 00:21:51,760
- Hey, here he comes.
- Oh.
546
00:21:52,180 --> 00:21:54,240
Well? You pop your lip cherry?
547
00:21:54,968 --> 00:21:56,107
Eh, sort of.
548
00:21:56,142 --> 00:21:57,316
What do you mean "sort of"?
549
00:21:57,350 --> 00:21:58,765
You either did or you didn't.
550
00:22:00,042 --> 00:22:02,528
I had the best date of
my life last night.
551
00:22:02,562 --> 00:22:04,530
This woman is amazing!
552
00:22:04,564 --> 00:22:07,291
She likes cats and hockey.
553
00:22:07,326 --> 00:22:10,329
I was all set to give her a
kiss, and I... I did this.
554
00:22:12,260 --> 00:22:14,020
Jesus.
555
00:22:14,056 --> 00:22:15,886
You did that? With her?
556
00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:17,646
Yeah, I know, I know.
It was a wuss move.
557
00:22:17,681 --> 00:22:19,338
And she wanted me to kiss her.
558
00:22:19,370 --> 00:22:20,380
No, no.
559
00:22:20,400 --> 00:22:22,320
That's like shaking hands
with a bowl of pudding.
560
00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:26,130
Look, I know your hand just
came out of a cast, but damn!
561
00:22:26,172 --> 00:22:28,208
No, no, no, my... my hand's
back at full strength.
562
00:22:28,243 --> 00:22:29,796
Here. Come on, shake my hand.
563
00:22:32,860 --> 00:22:35,320
Oh, oh, ho! Ho!
564
00:22:35,380 --> 00:22:38,460
That's like a peanut butter and
jelly sandwich dipped in milk.
565
00:22:38,490 --> 00:22:39,720
That's better.
566
00:22:39,940 --> 00:22:43,039
Well, how come no one's ever told
me my handshake sucks before?
567
00:22:43,040 --> 00:22:44,990
'Cause they're not your friends.
568
00:22:45,847 --> 00:22:47,370
And you guys are?
569
00:22:47,380 --> 00:22:48,850
- No.
- No.
570
00:22:50,020 --> 00:22:53,370
What am I gonna do?
I-I really like this girl.
571
00:22:53,406 --> 00:22:55,581
I don't want her to just be my first.
572
00:22:55,610 --> 00:22:57,720
I want her to be more than that.
573
00:22:58,060 --> 00:23:00,030
Tell you broke your hand jerking off.
574
00:23:00,068 --> 00:23:02,484
Tony, that's so fucking stupid!
575
00:23:03,070 --> 00:23:04,180
I like this girl.
576
00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:06,385
I don't want to lie to her anymore.
577
00:23:06,410 --> 00:23:08,380
And she'd never believe
my dick was big enough
578
00:23:08,400 --> 00:23:09,980
to cause breakage.
579
00:23:10,250 --> 00:23:11,700
- Would she?
- No.
580
00:23:11,735 --> 00:23:13,495
You know what? I got it. I got it.
581
00:23:13,530 --> 00:23:15,704
Tell her you went to the
batting cages, right?
582
00:23:15,739 --> 00:23:17,830
You were working on your swing,
and you check it, right?
583
00:23:17,840 --> 00:23:19,190
And you sprained your hand.
584
00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:21,089
You lost all masculine
hand-shaking power.
585
00:23:21,123 --> 00:23:22,849
- Plausible.
- Good one.
586
00:23:22,884 --> 00:23:24,713
No, no, that's stupid.
587
00:23:24,748 --> 00:23:26,888
I'm just gonna be straight with her.
588
00:23:26,922 --> 00:23:28,372
Tell her how I feel.
589
00:23:30,961 --> 00:23:32,514
Show her the real me.
590
00:23:32,540 --> 00:23:35,360
♪ I finally stopped time ♪
591
00:23:36,622 --> 00:23:37,830
♪ So we don't have to... ♪
592
00:23:37,860 --> 00:23:39,040
Learning how to check your swing
593
00:23:39,060 --> 00:23:41,019
is such an important part
of not striking out,
594
00:23:41,020 --> 00:23:42,260
and even though I don't play
in any leagues right...
595
00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:44,630
Can we please not talk
about this anymore?
596
00:23:44,660 --> 00:23:47,400
Oh, okay, sure. What do
you want to talk about?
597
00:23:47,680 --> 00:23:49,320
I don't know.
598
00:23:49,360 --> 00:23:53,190
Anything but why your
handshake is so pathetic.
599
00:23:53,224 --> 00:23:54,709
You think my handshake's pathetic?
600
00:23:54,740 --> 00:23:58,120
No, you said it was pathetic, remember?
601
00:23:58,140 --> 00:24:00,950
And for the last 20 minutes,
you've been explaining why.
602
00:24:01,336 --> 00:24:03,580
Okay, so you didn't think
my handshake was pathetic?
603
00:24:03,610 --> 00:24:05,420
I was sure that's why
you ran for the door,
604
00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:06,840
because of my flaccid handshake.
605
00:24:07,135 --> 00:24:08,895
No.
606
00:24:08,930 --> 00:24:10,656
Oh. Okay, good.
607
00:24:11,933 --> 00:24:13,106
Then why did you run?
608
00:24:14,694 --> 00:24:17,209
Okay, it was a combination of that
609
00:24:17,210 --> 00:24:20,200
and the fact that you kind of choked
610
00:24:20,210 --> 00:24:21,340
when we were gonna kiss.
611
00:24:22,560 --> 00:24:23,720
But then I thought,
612
00:24:23,740 --> 00:24:27,293
"So what if he doesn't have the
nuts to make the first move?"
613
00:24:27,327 --> 00:24:30,227
I mean, in our new world,
a guy initiating anything
614
00:24:30,261 --> 00:24:32,449
is seen as aggressive or predatory.
615
00:24:32,450 --> 00:24:34,403
Thank you, Harvey Weinstein.
616
00:24:34,438 --> 00:24:36,026
It's all bullshit, anyway.
617
00:24:36,060 --> 00:24:37,993
Why does the man have
to be the stronger one?
618
00:24:38,020 --> 00:24:40,860
Oh, you are preaching
to the choir, baby.
619
00:24:41,160 --> 00:24:42,920
I'm glad you called.
620
00:24:43,510 --> 00:24:45,540
I've been thinking about you a lot.
621
00:24:46,174 --> 00:24:47,693
You have?
622
00:24:47,727 --> 00:24:50,454
I-I've been thinking
about you a lot, too.
623
00:24:50,489 --> 00:24:53,526
♪ To have you around ♪
624
00:24:55,701 --> 00:24:59,359
♪ To have you around ♪
625
00:24:59,394 --> 00:25:01,603
Is it okay if I make the first move?
626
00:25:01,630 --> 00:25:02,640
Oh, God, yes, please.
627
00:25:02,660 --> 00:25:05,000
♪ Her smile is like a beacon ♪
628
00:25:05,020 --> 00:25:10,849
♪ When it lights up, I can see
her for a hundred miles ♪
629
00:25:10,850 --> 00:25:13,160
♪ Her love controls the seasons ♪
630
00:25:13,180 --> 00:25:19,138
♪ When she's with me, I'm the
weather on a tropic isle ♪
631
00:25:21,692 --> 00:25:23,970
♪ Oh, I don't need much help... ♪
632
00:25:27,480 --> 00:25:30,520
Jesus! The fuck are you doing up?
633
00:25:30,560 --> 00:25:31,820
I'm staking out the kitchen
634
00:25:31,840 --> 00:25:34,140
to see where you've
been hiding the Ho-Hos.
635
00:25:34,170 --> 00:25:35,326
Success.
636
00:25:39,883 --> 00:25:41,747
That's not really why
you're awake, is it?
637
00:25:41,781 --> 00:25:44,163
No, I just... I can't go to sleep.
638
00:25:44,190 --> 00:25:45,860
- I...
- Oh.
639
00:25:45,880 --> 00:25:48,408
I keep thinking about what
your buddy said about critics
640
00:25:48,440 --> 00:25:50,640
and being failed somethings.
641
00:25:53,172 --> 00:25:54,449
Maybe he's right.
642
00:25:57,970 --> 00:26:00,940
This is the part where you
say something sponsor-y.
643
00:26:03,458 --> 00:26:04,701
Want a half a Ho-Ho?
644
00:26:06,979 --> 00:26:09,222
Well, what do you care what
Suicide Guy says anyway?
645
00:26:09,257 --> 00:26:10,776
I don't.
646
00:26:10,810 --> 00:26:12,480
Unless it's true.
647
00:26:13,572 --> 00:26:15,539
You know, I started a new book.
648
00:26:15,540 --> 00:26:17,090
Oh, really?
649
00:26:17,100 --> 00:26:19,160
What, a fiction or just
another list of people
650
00:26:19,180 --> 00:26:20,406
and stuff that bugs you?
651
00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:21,450
No, it's a book book.
652
00:26:21,470 --> 00:26:23,858
I've been working on
it a couple of months.
653
00:26:23,892 --> 00:26:25,629
I got a terrific first line.
654
00:26:25,630 --> 00:26:26,723
Hmm.
655
00:26:28,103 --> 00:26:29,898
"If you've ever almost killed your wife
656
00:26:29,930 --> 00:26:33,120
"in a drunken, bloody
car wreck, read on."
657
00:26:34,454 --> 00:26:36,560
That's...
658
00:26:36,590 --> 00:26:37,810
great.
659
00:26:38,286 --> 00:26:39,874
Why'd you pause before "great"?
660
00:26:39,908 --> 00:26:41,910
No, that was a... That was a Ho-Ho burp.
661
00:26:41,945 --> 00:26:43,291
I actually think that's really great.
662
00:26:43,325 --> 00:26:45,240
Yeah, thanks. That's all I have, though.
663
00:26:45,260 --> 00:26:47,520
I can't get past the second sentence.
664
00:26:48,503 --> 00:26:49,608
You know?
665
00:26:51,640 --> 00:26:53,060
It's... When I was writing reviews,
666
00:26:53,080 --> 00:26:55,260
it was different, okay?
667
00:26:55,280 --> 00:26:56,925
'Cause I would just
respond to something,
668
00:26:56,960 --> 00:26:59,100
and it was either good or it was shit,
669
00:26:59,134 --> 00:27:01,136
and that's all I had
to say was which one.
670
00:27:01,140 --> 00:27:03,622
Fucking things wrote themselves.
671
00:27:03,656 --> 00:27:06,279
But with this, I don't know
what I'm responding to
672
00:27:06,314 --> 00:27:08,143
except whatever comes into my head,
673
00:27:08,178 --> 00:27:10,767
and everything that comes
into my head is shit.
674
00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:13,140
I-I can't delete it fast enough.
675
00:27:13,820 --> 00:27:16,470
Well, maybe you should
leave it for a while.
676
00:27:18,120 --> 00:27:19,580
Huh?
677
00:27:20,846 --> 00:27:24,573
You know, it's like, um, the
music that you love, right?
678
00:27:24,608 --> 00:27:26,127
Those artists don't just make some shit
679
00:27:26,161 --> 00:27:27,991
and it's perfect, and
then off they go with it.
680
00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:29,360
You know, they make some
shit, and it's shitty,
681
00:27:29,380 --> 00:27:31,477
so they leave it there, and
they work on something else.
682
00:27:31,511 --> 00:27:34,135
And meanwhile, this shit sort of
starts to make some more sense,
683
00:27:34,169 --> 00:27:36,655
and then by the time they're
working on this new shit,
684
00:27:36,680 --> 00:27:37,840
the old shit's ready, you know,
685
00:27:37,850 --> 00:27:39,761
'cause it's shit, so
it fertilizes itself.
686
00:27:39,796 --> 00:27:41,418
And you take the old
shit and the new shit,
687
00:27:41,452 --> 00:27:44,120
and pretty soon, you know, you
got this... this ball of shit,
688
00:27:44,140 --> 00:27:45,900
and that's all art really is,
689
00:27:45,920 --> 00:27:48,520
is just working on some
shit until it gets less...
690
00:27:49,520 --> 00:27:50,840
shitty.
691
00:27:52,153 --> 00:27:54,155
Huh.
692
00:27:54,189 --> 00:27:56,847
Yeah, that's... Yeah. Yeah.
693
00:27:56,880 --> 00:27:58,880
I think you're right. That's...
694
00:27:59,539 --> 00:28:01,334
Not at all what I do, you know?
695
00:28:01,369 --> 00:28:04,786
I fucking look at it and
blast the hell out of it
696
00:28:04,821 --> 00:28:06,685
as soon as it hits the page.
697
00:28:06,719 --> 00:28:08,360
What I got to do is get out of my head,
698
00:28:08,380 --> 00:28:10,500
stop being so God damn
precious about it.
699
00:28:11,030 --> 00:28:13,820
Well, if you ask me, I think
that's it right there.
700
00:28:14,278 --> 00:28:17,099
But, regardless, probably be a good idea
701
00:28:17,100 --> 00:28:19,800
for you to stay up all night in
the dark beating yourself up
702
00:28:19,820 --> 00:28:21,490
about beating yourself up about it.
703
00:28:21,520 --> 00:28:23,340
I'll get the light for you.
704
00:28:23,590 --> 00:28:25,679
- Good night.
- Good night.
705
00:28:25,680 --> 00:28:30,680
- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
51938
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