Original subtitles

Charles, my man. Miss me?

Sure, everybody misses their money manager.

What's up, Bernie?

You wanted me to call when it happened.

You're a millionaire.

We're celebrating this weekend big time.

- Bring your girl. - Uh, yeah, yeah.

I'm... I'm right here with her, actually.

She's... we're rich, babe!

She's really excited about it.

Yeah, you're clearly lying, but don't worry, bud.

You can afford to fly someone in.

Hey, Denise?

I'm a gentleman, and that's why there's no expectations

for anything to happen this weekend.

I very much so respect you.

Hey, we were just crazy kids back in Morristown.

But look at us now. I'm studying acting at NYU.

You've got your own media empire.

We're like... like, full-on adults.

Exactly, like, we don't need to let our hormones

rule every moment of our lives.

No, I mean, we're, like, adults.

So, you know, we could have sex wherever,

whenever we want.

Like your car.

- Right now. - Is that...

is that legal?

Oh, this is good, this is good.

Yeah, this works, this works.

This is... oh, you're a freak.

Oh, my God!

It's so nice to finally meet you.

Jim has told me so much about you, Charles.

Like, so much. Like, more than is appropriate

for a non-relative.

What's that stupid-ass smile?

He's just proud that he has two black friends.

I'm not going to lie, it's pretty darn great.

I mean, I may not be ready for a barbershop,

but no, I can definitely hang at a cookout.

Yeah, what you going to bring?

Uh, cornbread?

- Ooh, that's... - No?

That's bad, that's going to get you thrown out the cookout.

- Bring yourself. - All right.

- Don't bring anything. - No, yeah.

Okay, I don't want to cut in on your time here with Charles,

but I just came from visiting Matt in the hospital.

He asked when you were coming by.

Me? Uh, how about never?

No, Gabby, he's in a cancer ward

in a hospital in Central Florida.

That's depression cubed, right there.

Triple play.

That is a Russian nesting doll of abject misery.

I thought new Jim cared about his fellow man.

If you must know, okay, the last time I saw the guy,

we almost got into a fist fight.

Now, I know, I know, it's insane to think

that a bedridden hospital patient

could beat me up, right?

No, I mean, catheter attached,

I would still give Matt three-to-one odds.

I saw you lose a drunken fight

with a sober 14-year-old.

- She beat the shit out of him. - She was not that sober.

Charles, we can do anything you like on this trip.

I've always kind of wanted to go to GatorLand.

- Fuck, no. - Okay.

Well, what about Weeki Wachee Springs?

A live mermaid show? Charles, that's basically

dinner theatre without the dinner.

It's an underwater strip show aimed at families, come on.

Well, it has to have lasted for 70 years for a reason.

Yes, as a testimony to the rich vein of stupidity

that runs right through the bedrock of this country.

But all this sounds like your idea of my idea of fun.

- What do you want to do tonight? - Well, if it were up to me,

Lil' Diazepam, he's a Soundcloud rapper

with a full-face tatt of Steve Jobs.

He just got out on bail,

so he's throwing a midnight rager

in the second largest sinkhole of East Orlando.

Everything about your generation terrifies me.

Everything.

Well, your generation killed the planet.

- And America. - Touché.

- Surprise! - Shit!

Oh, my God.

- Hey, hi. - Hi.

Jim, it's so great to meet you.

Apologies about the last-minute visit.

- I just missed him so much. - I missed you so much.

You know, in Amsterdam,

you have to pay 10 Euros for this show.

Can I ask how the heck you got in here, darling?

Oh, I sweet talked your super.

Said I was your long-lost daughter,

Ruby Lee, from Hot Springs. Mama may have been a whore,

but she done with me the best she could.

I was Alma in "Summer in Smoke"

by Tennessee Williams at ETW this year.

- She was amazing. - Stop.

I watch her performance on YouTube all the time.

Do you want to see it?

Do I want to watch a taped performance

of amateur theater on a laptop? Not right now, no.

We don't have time anyway because I made dinner.

Well, thank you for breaking in and cooking.

Denise, that was one hell of a Bolognese.

Oh, it was my Uncle Mike's recipe.

Mike was a friend of my parents, or, really my mom.

He filled the gaps created by my father's

emotional unavailability.

When I found the naked photos of Mike and my mother,

I was happy for her.

Once I understood what they were.

I was only eight.

Okay, then. Um, well, to Mike.

What does "check the pipes" mean?

"Check the pipes" just means "check the pipes."

What in blue blazes is going on in here?

His whore ex-girlfriend is texting him

about checking her pipes!

Why don't you go check them then, Charles?

Well, I am going to have to do that,

because technically, I'm her landlord,

- so her pipes are my pipes. - Your pipe is my pipe!

Your body made a promise. I should have known better

than to give my heart to someone so easily,

but my heart doesn't know... oh, get off!

I take it you've had to do that before.

Yeah, I call that maneuver...

Charles! Charles!

I-I call that maneuver the Casper.

Gotten me out of many a sticky wicket.

I've used it on third world pimps and Sandy Duncan.

The key is to use a heavy fabric to blunt the blade.

Boy, learned that one from Sandy Duncan the hard way.

Charles, I love you!

I'm going to break up with her in the morning.

- I'm sorry, Jim. - Oh, no worries.

What do you think? Maybe she tuckered herself out.

- Don't look at me! - Oh!

Still going, still going.

Charles?

Thank you.

Okay. Watch out.

Hey.

Good morning.

Uh, apologies about last night.

Charles and I were having some communication issues.

- But... - Ho-ho.

We fixed them. Right, babe?

Yeah, I mean, I have nothing to hide,

but how is she supposed to know that

if she can't see everything?

So we changed all my passwords to Denise's.

Uh-huh. Still a little bit concerned

about the whole knife thing, however.

Don't worry, though.

It's never going to happen again.

Just a one-time only outburst, eh?

No, we... we threw away all the knives.

Seriously?

Yeah.

Hey, thanks for this. Gayle is afraid of needles.

So what are you going to do?

About Charles? I don't know.

I got to be very careful what I say to him.

I already lost a sister because I was too honest with her.

Yeah, maintaining friendships

has always been a struggle for me.

In my divorce from rye whiskey, rye got most of our friends.

Well, you're about to lose another friend

if you keep my ass hanging out like this.

- Can you please just let me... - I'm done.

Great with needles, bad with people.

Jesus.

Sorry, it's just fertility stuff.

Of course, I would rather be in the ladies room

with a female co-worker, but I literally have none.

It's fine. I'm a nurse.

That was the smoothest injection I have ever seen.

Yeah, well, all thanks to sweet lady ketamine.

Well, I mean, I never actually lived in a K-hole

in all my years of addiction, but I did own a timeshare there

for quite a while and boy, oh boy,

were there ever a lot of blackout dates.

- How you doing, I'm... - Jim Brockmire.

- Yeah. - Yeah, yeah.

- Hi. - The, uh, jacket

and the ketamine soliloquy gave it away.

- Sure, they would. - Yeah.

- Which makes you Gabby. - Hey.

Hi, I'm Maggie Nickols.

I'm Matt Hardesty's oncology RN.

- Oh. - Yeah.

He's been trying to get me into baseball,

so he gave me some tickets and promised me the VIP tour.

I showed her the stack of big nacho cheese bags.

- Yep. - Because food science

has always been a hobby of mine.

Specifically non-perishable dairy.

Like, did you know that Hidden Valley Ranch

was an actual working ranch in Santa Barbara, California?

- Ah. - I went there on my honeymoon.

There's nothing like the sweet aroma

of sea spray and buttermilk.

You done?

- Yeah. - Great. Sorry.

Well, gee, you're not into baseball, shame.

What kind of things do you like?

Hmm, mystery novels, my dogs, musicals.

I was obsessed with "Bye Bye Birdie"

when I was a kid.

Well, maybe I was just obsessed with Ann-Margret.

I actually dressed up as her one time for Halloween.

- You got any pictures of that? - Oh, yeah.

Because I would love... ow, shit.

Sorry, little behavioral modification system

that Gabby and I have where she snaps this band hard

when I say something that I shouldn't.

Yeah, we might have to upgrade to a push pin.

What I meant to say was I would love to pay

for the pleasure of your company...

no, ow, okay. With dinner, I meant.

It's okay. I would love to get dinner.

- Great. - I can't tonight,

but next time you visit Matt, just stick around,

and we'll figure something out.

I'm kind of surprised I haven't seen you there

the other times that I visited before.

I've been there pretty much every day.

Oh, well, shouldn't have lied.

Charles, what the hell is this?

Well, you told me to pick out a card for Matt that says

"I acknowledge that we're enemies,

but I am sad that death comes to us all."

Yeah, but I'm not sure that Garfield

can shoulder that emotional weight.

- Holy shit, look at that. - Nermal really sells it.

He does. What do you got there?

Oh, it's a teddy bear for Denise.

I like to keep a few big gestures in the holster

just in case I screw something up.

Right, boy, good to be prepared

because she's very passionate, isn't she?

Yeah, that's why the sex is insane.

Oh, yeah? What are you guys into?

BDSM, DDLG role play?

Electro stim? Lucying?

We 69.

And then what?

That's it.

You can't improve upon the perfect sexual position.

Charles, 69 is objectively the worst sexual position.

It's nothing but a mouthful of pubes and nose-full of asshole.

Charles, I have a tattoo of two lizard 69-ing on my chest

because I asked the artist

for the worst possible thing imaginable.

You're missing the crucial element, though.

We do it in public.

We've done it in nine bathrooms already,

and we've only been dating for two months.

How does that even work? What, do you, like,

hold her upside down in a stall?

No, I don't have the arm strength for that.

We just lie down on the floor.

You 69 on the floor of public restrooms?

Charles, Bukowski would be ashamed

to write that shit down.

You're probably going to laugh at me for saying this,

but, like...

it kind of feels like we're soul mates.

How else do you explain

that whenever we 69, we always cum at the same time?

Um, that she's lying straight into your dick.

Mm-mm, there are no lies in a 69, Jim.

Your bodies form a circle of truth.

I got to beg you to stop saying "69," please.

Hey, we'll take these,

and can I also get five dozen roses?

Plus nine more.

Oh, you son of a bitch.

Hey.

Well, you look, um...

like dogshit.

I wish.

Well, come on in.

All right. Where's Maggie?

I didn't... I didn't see her anywhere.

Oh, her shift doesn't start until after visiting hours.

I asked you to come in because

I wanted to apologize for my behavior.

Are you wearing brass knuckles?

Ah, shit, I forgot I had these on.

Yeah, well, you know, you're always

so damn angry at me all the time,

I figured better safe than sorry, you know what I mean?

But apparently, no, I misread your intentions.

Just don't... seriously, don't make me laugh, Brockmire.

It... it hurts. Listen.

When I got sick, I was angry.

Plus, you were always an asshole,

so I figured it was okay to be an asshole to you.

Well, sure, yeah, no. Game recognize game.

Man, I banged on you like a drum, so...

I'm sorry, Jim.

Please.

You know, being...

trapped in this bed,

it's like I'm...

held hostage by regrets.

I'm realizing, even before I got sick,

I made everybody around me suffer.

And now, I'm just all alone.

Okay, but, just... as far as you and I go,

just... just the apology? Is... is that it?

- Yeah, that's it. - All right.

Well, accepted.

And uh, I got you this, so I'm just going to...

probably feel like every day is Monday long about now, huh?

Garfield understands.

Jim, you don't have to go.

Make sure you read the inside of that thing

because it really... it ties it all together.

I spent my whole life

surrounded by crowds.

Now, I'm by myself.

And I'm staring over the edge.

And I don't understand what I'm looking at.

I got house guests, so I got to take a rain check.

Okay, my man?

You're my main man.

Hey.

Hey.

Where's Denise?

We had to freshen up after our tryst

- on the Popeye's bathroom floor. - Ugh.

How'd everything go with Matt?

Terrible. He cried, Charles.

It was like watching Lincoln cry.

The misery of a nation poured from those eyes.

Well, I have big news.

I'm going to be moving to New York to be with Denise.

Oh, boy.

Charles, are you certain that that's the best idea?

- I knew it. - Oh, shit!

You are trying to break us up.

I forgot about your whittling knife.

How are you everywhere?

Stop trying to constrain our love.

Denise, uh, um, baby, let's try and be careful...

All right, Charles, please, please, please.

She's only using that weapon to try to hijack the conversation.

Right, Denise?

She has absolutely no intention...

Ow, Mommy!

Oh, my God! What, why?

- Oh, God! - Oh, my God!

- Okay, okay. - Oh!

- First aid kit, first aid kid. - Oh, my God.

- First aid kit. - I... I...

Ow, oh.

Oh, man, Denise.

- You have a... - Denise...

Denise.

- Denise. - Yeah, I...

- Denise! - Yeah.

Sit down.

Um...

Denise, what is going on with you?

I...

I thought I'd discover a home at NYU.

People that understood me.

But then you find out the boys have a pool going

to see which one of them can fuck you first.

- Mm-hmm. - And it's fine.

I can handle it. You make them respect you.

But then somebody decent comes along,

and... and the next thing you know, it's true love.

Mm, well, that's very nice, Denise.

What is that from?

Kenneth Lonergan's "Lobby Hero."

It's such a powerful play in these times

of confident certainty.

Well, no notes, honey. You were very present.

- Thank you. - Um...

what is your motivation though, Denise?

He's the only decent person

who's ever wanted to spend any time with me.

Oh, well, ditto. But, you know,

you're going to lose him, darling,

if every waking moment is this intense.

But that's what being young and in love is.

It's intense and messy and beautiful,

and we are completely vulnerable with each other.

Someone as cynical and closed off as you

wouldn't understand that.

Well, actually, I got a face-full of vulnerability

from a cancer patient about an hour ago.

Of course, I turned tail and ran out of there

about as fast as I could, but...

Wow.

I may have stabbed you, but I think we both know

who committed the real crime tonight.

Yes, you, Denise. Felony assault.

At most, what I did was an emotional misdemeanor.

How exactly did this happen?

It was young love and a whittling knife,

and I got caught in the cross-stab.

Nice grift, by the way.

Getting me to come here to ask you out

so I'd have to talk to Matt.

Mm, I don't feel bad about it at all.

Hey, no, you shouldn't. Shame on me.

I had to be conned and stabbed

into becoming a decent human being.

Is it... are we good? Can I head on in?

Yeah, go ahead. I'll break the rules.

He's up.

So are you going to ask me out or what?

Yep.

The Popeye's bathroom floor?

And he was bragging about it

like he was King Dick of Pussy Mountain.

69'ing is just weird, you know?

I mean, take turns.

Focus on the task at hand.

My mechanic is not going to fix my car any better

if I'm sucking his dick.

- Right? - Well, yeah.

Well, we've survived our share of wild women.

Your friend will too.

Yeah, but he's not like us, man.

He's a giver, not a taker.

He's going to spend years trying to fill

her bottomless pit of need, and it's all my fault, man.

No, his mother taught him

that loving somebody means trying to fix them.

Instead of helping him break that pattern,

I just hammered it in. I made it more permanent.

She's a volatile monologist, all right?

Basically, he found a female version of me to have sex with.

God damn it, the whole reason I got sober

was to try to stop hurting...

It's just...

he's like a son to me, you know?

I'm sorry, it's just...

I guess we're even now. We've both seen each other cry.

Well, technically, I already saw you cry

at that broadcaster's dinner, so...

- Oh, yeah. - But fortunately,

the stage four lymphoma will give me

plenty of opportunities to play catch-up.

Well, I got to say something to Charles, man.

Even if it means he ends up hating me forever.

Back in my playing days,

I'd come home from a road trip and uh...

I'd put on my dad hat.

Try to parent my girls real hard.

It never worked.

They got pissed off, resented me,

and did the exact opposite.

My advice: Only give your opinion once.

And only if he asks for it.

Denise sends her apologies.

She had to rush up to New York to work on her alibi.

You're unusually un-opinionated today.

You sure there's nothing you want to say?

No, no, Charles, I'm just... I'm so happy that you're happy.

Denise did stab you,

so you have 30 seconds to say your piece.

Charles, your natural tendency

is to fill in the holes in other people's lives.

Your mother and I are good examples.

You define your self-worth by the abuse

heaped upon you by those around you.

But you're so great in so many other ways.

I'd hate to see you repeat these same

self-destructive patterns that I helped put in place.

I want to see you grow into the kind of adult

that anybody, myself included, would look up to.

You're an absolute treasure, Charles,

and you deserve the absolute best.

- Five seconds. - I love and respect you

no matter what, but pre-nup, pre-nup,

- pre-nup, oh, God, pre-nup. - Time.

And I love you, Charles.

I love you, too.

You know the first thing I'm going to do

when I get to the Big Apple?

69 on the bathroom floor of the Staten Island ferry.

Just had to ruin the nice moment, didn't you?

Little shit.

You're a little shit!

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