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1
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Sterling Archer.
2
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Code name Duchess.
3
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Hm.
4
00:00:09,802 --> 00:00:16,435
Known from Berlin to Bangkok
as the world's most dangerous spy.
5
00:00:16,609 --> 00:00:19,100
So for us, this is... How you say?
6
00:00:20,412 --> 00:00:22,346
- A good get.
7
00:00:22,515 --> 00:00:25,075
But not so good for you, Mr. Archer.
8
00:00:25,251 --> 00:00:28,482
Because you have information
that I want.
9
00:00:28,654 --> 00:00:30,588
And this may be old clich�...
10
00:00:32,925 --> 00:00:36,452
but we have ways of making you talk.
11
00:00:37,463 --> 00:00:39,055
What? Your little go-cart battery?
12
00:00:39,231 --> 00:00:40,459
- Golf cart.
- Whatever.
13
00:00:40,633 --> 00:00:43,329
- Would you pick an accent and stick with it?
- Listen here...
14
00:00:43,502 --> 00:00:46,733
Son of a bitch.
- Now you did it.
15
00:00:51,443 --> 00:00:54,901
- What is the point of these simulations...
- Krenshaw's arousal?
16
00:00:55,080 --> 00:00:57,412
If you don't take them seriously?
17
00:00:57,583 --> 00:01:00,518
How can I? Between his lame accent
and the go-cart battery...
18
00:01:00,686 --> 00:01:01,914
- Golf cart.
- Shut up.
19
00:01:02,087 --> 00:01:03,782
And speaking of lame, my code name...
20
00:01:03,956 --> 00:01:06,948
Was chosen at random
by the ISIS computer.
21
00:01:07,126 --> 00:01:08,991
Random? It was your dog's name.
22
00:01:09,161 --> 00:01:10,719
Oh, Duchess.
23
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I loved her so much.
24
00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:15,890
That it was creepy and pathetic?
25
00:01:16,068 --> 00:01:18,502
And if you were half as smart
as she was...
26
00:01:18,671 --> 00:01:21,435
She wasn't too smart to die
from eating chocolate, was she?
27
00:01:21,607 --> 00:01:22,835
Exercise terminated.
28
00:01:23,008 --> 00:01:26,273
- All right, that's lunch then.
- Agent performance unsatisfactory.
29
00:01:26,445 --> 00:01:28,879
Oh, come on...
At worst, that was "needs improvement."
30
00:01:29,048 --> 00:01:30,106
- Jesus, Archer.
- What?
31
00:01:30,282 --> 00:01:33,274
- You think this is a game?
- No, I think Jenga is a game.
32
00:01:33,452 --> 00:01:34,976
What if I'd been real KGB?
33
00:01:35,154 --> 00:01:38,282
I assume you'd try to suck a promotion
out of some Russian guy's cock.
34
00:01:38,457 --> 00:01:40,425
- Maybe I never get promoted...
- Never will.
35
00:01:40,593 --> 00:01:42,424
Because my mommy's not the boss.
36
00:01:42,595 --> 00:01:45,120
And maybe you just got your face
kicked off.
37
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That is my foot in your face.
Smell the embarrass...
38
00:01:48,434 --> 00:01:50,231
Ow, oh!
39
00:01:51,036 --> 00:01:52,469
Mother, did you see that?
40
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Mother.
41
00:01:55,808 --> 00:01:57,366
Mother.
42
00:02:40,819 --> 00:02:42,946
Leave a message at the tone.
43
00:02:43,322 --> 00:02:45,381
Um... Tone.
44
00:02:45,557 --> 00:02:49,220
This is Four-Five-Six Laundry.
Your shirts are ready... for a week.
45
00:02:49,395 --> 00:02:51,363
Oh, no.
46
00:02:51,530 --> 00:02:52,895
- Good morning.
- Hey, you.
47
00:02:53,065 --> 00:02:54,589
I'm so hungry.
48
00:02:54,767 --> 00:02:57,998
Just give me five minutes on my backhand
then we'll see if there's a...
49
00:02:58,170 --> 00:03:02,334
- Is that a dog? Is it a dog?
- Oui, that is Abelard.
50
00:03:02,508 --> 00:03:04,271
Oh, adorable.
Now get the hell out of here.
51
00:03:04,443 --> 00:03:06,570
But you promised me breakfast.
52
00:03:06,745 --> 00:03:09,771
You want breakfast?
Try the diner. You're obviously into Greek.
53
00:03:11,283 --> 00:03:12,545
Get it?
54
00:03:13,919 --> 00:03:14,943
Thank you, Abelard.
55
00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:16,917
- It's a short list, Woodhouse.
Yes, sir.
56
00:03:17,089 --> 00:03:20,183
- Things we don't allow in. What are they?
- Dogs and your mother.
57
00:03:20,359 --> 00:03:22,725
- That's a very short list, isn't it?
- Yes...
58
00:03:22,895 --> 00:03:25,090
but you were quite insistent...
- What was I?
59
00:03:25,264 --> 00:03:27,095
That an exception be made.
60
00:03:27,266 --> 00:03:32,294
No, no, no, because forget the dog rule,
because this pug is amazing.
61
00:03:32,471 --> 00:03:34,098
Watch this. Abergard, go.
62
00:03:35,874 --> 00:03:37,273
Do you not hear that?
63
00:03:37,776 --> 00:03:39,767
That's "Puttin' on the Ritz," man.
64
00:03:39,945 --> 00:03:41,936
- I'm always insistent, Woodhouse.
- Yes, sir.
65
00:03:42,114 --> 00:03:44,082
- But I'm not to be trusted, am I?
- No, sir.
66
00:03:44,249 --> 00:03:46,649
Stop. Shut up. I have to go.
67
00:03:46,819 --> 00:03:49,652
But if I find one single dog hair
when I get back...
68
00:03:49,822 --> 00:03:52,086
I'll rub sand in your dead little eyes.
69
00:03:52,257 --> 00:03:54,384
Very good, sir.
70
00:03:54,927 --> 00:03:56,895
- I also need you to go buy sand.
- Yes, sir.
71
00:03:57,062 --> 00:03:58,791
I don't know if they grade it but...
72
00:04:01,300 --> 00:04:02,460
Coarse.
73
00:04:09,341 --> 00:04:13,004
One entire whole week
we've been calling you.
74
00:04:13,178 --> 00:04:14,202
Highly unprofessional.
75
00:04:14,380 --> 00:04:17,440
Really? Because I find
your sweatiness unprofessional.
76
00:04:17,916 --> 00:04:19,406
So we have something in common.
77
00:04:19,585 --> 00:04:22,520
Besides the fact
that now both of our shirts reek of curry.
78
00:04:22,688 --> 00:04:26,351
- And when will you settle your account?
- When will you buy some dress shields?
79
00:04:26,525 --> 00:04:31,326
- This is not a dress.
- Are you serious? That's not a dress?
80
00:04:33,065 --> 00:04:35,260
Oh, God, with the curry again.
81
00:04:35,434 --> 00:04:38,164
This shirt smells
like Indira Gandhi's thong.
82
00:04:41,673 --> 00:04:44,471
- Hey, you wanna smell something?
- Swear to God, Mr. Archer...
83
00:04:44,643 --> 00:04:46,941
I have H.R. On speed dial.
- Shut up.
84
00:04:47,613 --> 00:04:49,444
Hey, Krieger, you gotta smell this.
85
00:04:50,149 --> 00:04:52,344
Krieger? Huh.
86
00:04:52,985 --> 00:04:54,509
You geeks wanna smell something?
87
00:04:54,686 --> 00:04:57,382
- Archer, get the hell out.
- What is it with you people?
88
00:04:57,556 --> 00:05:00,150
Try to include people in your life
and then you... Lana.
89
00:05:00,325 --> 00:05:02,657
Hey. Hey, what does this smell like?
90
00:05:02,828 --> 00:05:06,958
Like the dysfunctional asshole
I broke up with six months ago.
91
00:05:07,299 --> 00:05:09,529
Oh, my God. You're amazing.
92
00:05:09,701 --> 00:05:11,168
You are amazing, sweet stuff.
93
00:05:11,336 --> 00:05:13,770
Wanna do it again
and put on some interracial porn?
94
00:05:13,939 --> 00:05:17,932
God, it's like my brain's that tree,
and you're those little cookie elves.
95
00:05:19,311 --> 00:05:20,335
Just a second.
96
00:05:20,512 --> 00:05:23,640
- No, baby, don't answer that.
- I have to. Sorry, it's Mother.
97
00:05:23,816 --> 00:05:26,250
- Mother, hey. Just a second.
- I cannot believe you.
98
00:05:26,418 --> 00:05:29,615
No, turn it on. I can do both.
99
00:05:30,556 --> 00:05:33,650
- What?
- So don't speak to me, ever.
100
00:05:33,826 --> 00:05:37,660
And while you're not ever speaking to me,
jump up your own ass and die.
101
00:05:37,830 --> 00:05:40,765
Oh, rea... After all that H.R. Mediation.
Really?
102
00:05:40,933 --> 00:05:43,060
- Yup.
- After all the hard work Pam did.
103
00:05:43,235 --> 00:05:44,600
- Is that Archer?
- Goddamn it.
104
00:05:44,770 --> 00:05:46,101
- Archer, hey.
- Go away.
105
00:05:46,271 --> 00:05:48,262
- About your operations account...
- Not...
106
00:05:48,440 --> 00:05:49,998
- Cyril, not now.
- Yes, now.
107
00:05:50,175 --> 00:05:52,666
- Not a good time.
- You've got serious discrepancies...
108
00:05:52,845 --> 00:05:54,506
in your account.
- No, Cyril.
109
00:05:54,680 --> 00:05:58,446
I'm sure you wouldn't use operational funds
for personal expenses.
110
00:06:02,087 --> 00:06:03,452
Come on, 22 black.
111
00:06:03,622 --> 00:06:06,090
Twenty-two black. Twenty-two.
112
00:06:06,258 --> 00:06:08,920
Black. Ass. Son of a bitch. Heh.
113
00:06:09,661 --> 00:06:14,428
Not you, giant African man.
I'm sorry. Can I offer you a drink?
114
00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:16,932
How about this expensive prostitute?
115
00:06:17,102 --> 00:06:19,366
That is a very serious implication, Cyril.
116
00:06:19,538 --> 00:06:21,130
Well, so is embezzlement.
117
00:06:21,306 --> 00:06:25,367
Yeah? Well, so is the fact that you,
some crazy-how, are screwing my ex.
118
00:06:25,544 --> 00:06:27,808
- Archer, please. That's private.
- Not calm enough?
119
00:06:27,980 --> 00:06:29,971
You all know about Cyril and Lana, right?
120
00:06:30,149 --> 00:06:33,448
Of course, because if Pam knows,
then everybody knows...
121
00:06:33,619 --> 00:06:36,611
because of Pam's huge mouth.
Right, Pam?
122
00:06:36,788 --> 00:06:40,884
H.R. Mediations are supposed
to be confidential, Pam, you manatee.
123
00:06:41,894 --> 00:06:45,091
- And as for you, Cyril, good day, sir.
- Archer.
124
00:06:45,264 --> 00:06:48,392
Hey, wait. What about your account?
Oh, I get it.
125
00:06:48,567 --> 00:06:50,432
Classic misdirection.
126
00:06:52,671 --> 00:06:55,435
No, don't. You're so ugly when you cry.
127
00:06:55,941 --> 00:06:57,135
- Mr. Archer.
- I'm fine.
128
00:06:57,309 --> 00:06:59,334
Is she in or out eating a baby?
129
00:06:59,511 --> 00:07:02,173
- You stood me up again last night.
- Last...?
130
00:07:02,347 --> 00:07:05,578
Oh, yeah. Oh, my. What happened was...
131
00:07:05,751 --> 00:07:09,585
Did you see Brian's Song?
Same thing pretty much happened.
132
00:07:10,489 --> 00:07:14,118
I helped a guy with cancer.
Look, I'm really sorry, Carol, but I couldn't...
133
00:07:14,293 --> 00:07:15,351
It's Cheryl.
134
00:07:15,527 --> 00:07:18,462
I know, Ca... Cheryl.
So to make it up to you...
135
00:07:20,332 --> 00:07:21,959
- I'm ready.
...could you buzz me in?
136
00:07:22,134 --> 00:07:25,501
Ugh. Is that all you have to say?
137
00:07:27,606 --> 00:07:28,971
Yes.
138
00:07:30,542 --> 00:07:32,271
Now tell me again how...
139
00:07:32,444 --> 00:07:35,174
No, not that part. Go back. Yes.
140
00:07:35,514 --> 00:07:39,883
The pepper. Oh, yes, God. Oh, God.
141
00:07:40,052 --> 00:07:42,520
Oh, goddamn it.
142
00:07:42,688 --> 00:07:44,679
What the hell are you doing?
143
00:07:44,856 --> 00:07:45,982
What are you doing?
144
00:07:46,158 --> 00:07:48,490
L... I'm...
145
00:07:48,660 --> 00:07:52,255
For your information, I've just been
reviewing your operations account.
146
00:07:52,431 --> 00:07:54,558
- No. No. No.
- Yes. Yes.
147
00:07:54,733 --> 00:07:56,064
- Yes. Yes.
- No. No.
148
00:07:56,235 --> 00:07:58,032
And it makes for fascinating reading.
149
00:07:58,203 --> 00:07:59,727
- No.
- Let's see.
150
00:07:59,905 --> 00:08:02,635
You turned in an expense report
from Berlin...
151
00:08:02,808 --> 00:08:05,242
where the German desk says
you never checked in.
152
00:08:05,410 --> 00:08:07,708
- Oh, Berlin was...
- Ditto Buenos Aires.
153
00:08:07,879 --> 00:08:09,676
- Too busy to check in?
- There was... Yeah.
154
00:08:09,848 --> 00:08:10,872
Already off to Monaco?
155
00:08:11,049 --> 00:08:14,018
- I'm spying.
- Or was it Mallorca? Oh.
156
00:08:14,186 --> 00:08:17,087
- Or Tunis?
- Tunis kind of rings a bell.
157
00:08:17,256 --> 00:08:19,850
ISIS isn't your own personal
travel agency.
158
00:08:20,025 --> 00:08:24,189
It doesn't exist just so you can jet off
to Whore Island.
159
00:08:24,363 --> 00:08:26,695
That's not a real place.
160
00:08:26,865 --> 00:08:30,494
I have 50 agents who'd literally kill
to move up to your position.
161
00:08:30,669 --> 00:08:33,399
If you don't square
your operations account by Monday...
162
00:08:33,572 --> 00:08:36,837
they won't need to.
Your position will be vacant.
163
00:08:37,442 --> 00:08:40,673
- Sterling.
- Hm? Sorry. I was picturing Whore Island.
164
00:08:40,846 --> 00:08:42,108
Have I made myself clear?
165
00:08:42,281 --> 00:08:44,875
Are you...?
You're looking for the answer "yes"?
166
00:08:45,050 --> 00:08:46,483
- Yes. Good.
- Then, yes.
167
00:08:46,652 --> 00:08:47,676
Then get out.
168
00:08:47,853 --> 00:08:50,219
And for God's sake, take a shower.
169
00:08:50,389 --> 00:08:52,016
Smells like a whorehouse in here.
170
00:08:52,190 --> 00:08:53,452
Okay. Your own fingers.
171
00:08:53,625 --> 00:08:55,217
- Hm?
- Nothing.
172
00:08:56,361 --> 00:08:57,851
Johnny Bench called.
173
00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:02,824
So here's the thing.
174
00:09:03,001 --> 00:09:06,630
I need to access my operations account
and you're preventing that.
175
00:09:06,805 --> 00:09:10,571
Now, we can do this easy
or we can do it hard.
176
00:09:10,742 --> 00:09:14,269
Your call. No? Hard it is then.
177
00:09:17,849 --> 00:09:19,714
- Oh, God, sorry.
Goddamn it, Archer.
178
00:09:19,885 --> 00:09:22,752
- I forgot that... Did I get you?
What is wrong with you?
179
00:09:22,921 --> 00:09:26,914
Me? Nothing. You, on the other hand,
have a bullet inside you.
180
00:09:27,092 --> 00:09:30,653
- I see the foot's all better.
- And I see you're still a hatchet-face prick.
181
00:09:30,829 --> 00:09:33,593
- Do you see that sign?
- Do you see that sign?
182
00:09:34,966 --> 00:09:38,902
- Well...
- That's why. So we don't get ants.
183
00:09:40,138 --> 00:09:43,107
Because when your co-workers
put food in the refrigerator...
184
00:09:43,275 --> 00:09:45,573
that's a bond of trust, okay?
185
00:09:45,911 --> 00:09:49,608
And if you violate that trust, or the food,
there's...
186
00:09:49,781 --> 00:09:51,976
There's my favorite section head.
187
00:09:52,150 --> 00:09:54,846
I am dealing
with the break room problem.
188
00:09:55,020 --> 00:09:58,183
Oh, good. You caught the...
Oh, wait I had something for this.
189
00:09:58,357 --> 00:09:59,949
- The Pita Predator.
- You know what?
190
00:10:00,125 --> 00:10:02,025
Sorry. Let's just call it what it is.
191
00:10:02,761 --> 00:10:04,592
- Food rapist.
- Not a pretty name, is it?
192
00:10:04,763 --> 00:10:07,732
Pam, if you want some food
that's supposed to be cream-filled...
193
00:10:07,899 --> 00:10:09,958
I offer these delicious doughnuts.
194
00:10:10,135 --> 00:10:11,602
Yeah?
- In exchange for a favor.
195
00:10:11,770 --> 00:10:12,828
- A favor?
- Yeah.
196
00:10:13,004 --> 00:10:15,131
After how you treated me?
197
00:10:15,307 --> 00:10:18,037
- **** your dolphin, Pam.
Archer, she's down, all right?
198
00:10:18,210 --> 00:10:20,303
- Your ******* dolphin.
She's tapping out.
199
00:10:20,479 --> 00:10:21,969
- You.
- I think she peed.
200
00:10:22,147 --> 00:10:24,342
I had to get three stitches.
201
00:10:24,516 --> 00:10:27,007
And I broke my watch.
And I'm sorry for that.
202
00:10:27,185 --> 00:10:30,746
- Three...
- But I need your help, Pam, because I'm...
203
00:10:30,922 --> 00:10:33,686
um, conducting a mole hunt.
204
00:10:33,859 --> 00:10:35,053
- Aah.
- Gasp you should...
205
00:10:35,227 --> 00:10:38,025
because if you let me
in the mainframe, I'll drop these doughnuts.
206
00:10:38,196 --> 00:10:42,690
Then you can pretend they're marbles
and you're a hungry, hungry...
207
00:10:45,036 --> 00:10:47,266
hungry hippo.
208
00:10:47,439 --> 00:10:52,001
Lana. Hey, I know I'm supposed to be
up my own ass right now but...
209
00:10:53,545 --> 00:10:55,206
- Oh, is that what you want?
Yup.
210
00:10:55,380 --> 00:10:58,213
- Because that's how you get ants.
Yay.
211
00:10:58,683 --> 00:11:00,844
Cyril, my favorite section head.
212
00:11:01,019 --> 00:11:04,386
- What do you want?
- To apologize for my behavior.
213
00:11:04,556 --> 00:11:05,989
- Well...
- And also to...
214
00:11:06,158 --> 00:11:09,525
- What are you doing?
- Oh, just dicing veggies for dinner.
215
00:11:09,694 --> 00:11:12,390
- I always make Lana stir-fry on Friday.
- Neat. Listen...
216
00:11:12,564 --> 00:11:15,761
- Guess what we call it.
- Stir Friday?
217
00:11:16,701 --> 00:11:18,931
- Wow, that's actually better.
- Yup.
218
00:11:19,104 --> 00:11:21,299
It's all yours.
So come let me in the mainframe.
219
00:11:21,473 --> 00:11:24,033
Is this about your operations account?
220
00:11:24,209 --> 00:11:25,574
- No. Cyril...
- Yeah?
221
00:11:25,744 --> 00:11:27,769
I'm on a top-secret mole hunt.
222
00:11:27,946 --> 00:11:29,379
Oh, yeah, Pam mentioned that.
223
00:11:29,548 --> 00:11:32,016
- Wha...? When?
- Well, she called a minute ago.
224
00:11:32,184 --> 00:11:35,517
- You know how Pam loves to gossip.
- Yeah. I need rug marbles. I know.
225
00:11:35,687 --> 00:11:37,484
- Come let me into the mainframe.
- Okay.
226
00:11:37,656 --> 00:11:41,387
- I need to confirm this with your mother.
- No. No. I mean, what? Cyril.
227
00:11:42,127 --> 00:11:45,028
- What if she is the mole? Think about it.
- Your own mother.
228
00:11:45,197 --> 00:11:48,064
Think what that would do to me
if we had to kill her...
229
00:11:48,233 --> 00:11:51,930
- Archer.
...by stabbing her wrinkly neck...
230
00:11:52,103 --> 00:11:54,765
with a knife?
- Yeah. I can't let you in there.
231
00:11:54,940 --> 00:11:57,272
Can't or won't?
232
00:11:57,609 --> 00:12:00,043
- Either?
- And after I gave you Stir Friday.
233
00:12:00,212 --> 00:12:01,543
- That is much better.
- I know.
234
00:12:01,713 --> 00:12:04,705
- But if you wanna access the mainframe...
- What?
235
00:12:04,883 --> 00:12:07,283
I guess you'd have to break in.
236
00:12:08,420 --> 00:12:12,151
Break in to the ISIS mainframe.
237
00:12:12,324 --> 00:12:16,556
Which is obviously ludicrous.
As is this baby corn.
238
00:12:16,728 --> 00:12:18,855
What is that about? Archer?
239
00:12:19,431 --> 00:12:23,629
ISIS headquarters makes Fort Knox
look like a gingerbread house.
240
00:12:23,802 --> 00:12:25,360
Only two means of ingress.
241
00:12:25,537 --> 00:12:30,099
The first, at street level.
Impenetrable after 6.
242
00:12:30,809 --> 00:12:32,936
The second, through an access door
on the roof.
243
00:12:33,111 --> 00:12:35,636
Inexplicably unprotected.
244
00:12:37,249 --> 00:12:40,184
But even if you zip-lined across...
245
00:12:40,352 --> 00:12:41,842
... reached the access door...
246
00:12:42,020 --> 00:12:44,284
... and somehow made it
into ISIS headquarters...
247
00:12:44,456 --> 00:12:47,789
... you'd still have to find the mainframe.
248
00:12:48,193 --> 00:12:50,525
But, wait, it gets worse.
249
00:12:50,795 --> 00:12:53,423
Inside, there are three
countermeasure systems.
250
00:12:53,598 --> 00:12:55,862
The first is pressure sensitive in the floor.
251
00:12:56,034 --> 00:12:57,501
Even a mouse triggers it.
252
00:12:57,669 --> 00:13:02,038
The second is sound sensitive.
Anything above a whisper sets it off.
253
00:13:02,207 --> 00:13:05,472
And the third system
is state-of-the-art voice activation.
254
00:13:05,644 --> 00:13:08,169
Cyril Figgis.
255
00:13:11,816 --> 00:13:14,148
So, obviously,
it would be a lot easier for me...
256
00:13:14,319 --> 00:13:18,449
if you just disabled all that
when you left work tonight... somehow.
257
00:13:18,623 --> 00:13:23,560
- Ooh. That would make me uncomfortable.
- Yeah.
258
00:13:23,728 --> 00:13:25,992
Oh, God,
everything makes you uncomfortable.
259
00:13:27,499 --> 00:13:28,898
Just the tip?
260
00:13:29,067 --> 00:13:30,659
Just the tip.
261
00:13:30,936 --> 00:13:32,836
Just the tip.
262
00:13:33,104 --> 00:13:35,231
How was I to know
you're lactose intolerant?
263
00:13:35,407 --> 00:13:36,772
Because I kept screaming it.
264
00:13:36,942 --> 00:13:38,068
- Well, what?
- And this...
265
00:13:38,243 --> 00:13:39,676
I'm just a secretary.
266
00:13:39,844 --> 00:13:43,746
- I don't have access to security whatevers.
- What?
267
00:13:43,915 --> 00:13:46,383
- Then get them from Cyril.
- How would I do that?
268
00:13:46,551 --> 00:13:50,578
- Seduce him or Pam, or both.
- I can't do that.
269
00:13:50,755 --> 00:13:52,347
- Can't or won't?
- Either.
270
00:13:52,524 --> 00:13:55,220
That's how you wanna play it? Fine.
271
00:13:55,694 --> 00:13:58,390
- Are you gonna pay for your lunch?
- Just the tip.
272
00:14:00,832 --> 00:14:02,857
Actually, I don't have any cash.
273
00:14:03,602 --> 00:14:07,902
Can you get it? Sorry.
I also need cab fare.
274
00:14:09,374 --> 00:14:10,898
Oh, ugly duckling.
275
00:14:11,076 --> 00:14:12,805
Bock, bock.
276
00:14:16,348 --> 00:14:18,009
So thanks for nothing, Carol.
277
00:14:18,183 --> 00:14:22,210
Now I have to break into ISIS headquarters
in a $900 turtleneck.
278
00:14:22,387 --> 00:14:23,615
And if it gets ruined...
279
00:14:23,788 --> 00:14:27,224
I'm gonna make you drink
heavy cream, you...
280
00:14:27,392 --> 00:14:28,416
Carol.
281
00:14:33,264 --> 00:14:35,892
Wow, that was actually pretty easy.
Thanks, new turtleneck.
282
00:14:37,602 --> 00:14:39,467
Oh, and thank you, duffel bag.
283
00:14:39,638 --> 00:14:41,435
Jesus, what else could go wrong?
284
00:14:50,081 --> 00:14:52,481
Exactly. You're not Archer.
That's what's so great about you.
285
00:14:54,019 --> 00:14:55,611
And the fact
your mother died in a fire.
286
00:14:55,954 --> 00:14:58,252
- What?
- I said where are we on that stir-fry?
287
00:14:58,423 --> 00:15:00,550
Agent Kane. What?
288
00:15:00,725 --> 00:15:01,783
Yes, confirmed.
289
00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:05,896
Confirmed a naughty nellie's breaking
our after-work phone rule.
290
00:15:06,064 --> 00:15:08,362
- Cyril, there's been a break-in at ISIS.
- What?
291
00:15:08,533 --> 00:15:10,398
- Think it's the mole?
- God, you and Pam...
292
00:15:10,568 --> 00:15:12,399
- Pam's all right.
- Wow.
293
00:15:12,570 --> 00:15:14,299
Okay. I've got to go.
294
00:15:14,472 --> 00:15:16,838
- But it's Stir Friday.
- Hurray.
295
00:15:17,075 --> 00:15:21,444
- But if I'm not here...
- Yeah.
296
00:15:22,180 --> 00:15:25,775
Because after three months
of whatever it is we're doing...
297
00:15:25,950 --> 00:15:28,885
it's weird that you can't leave me alone
in your apartment.
298
00:15:29,054 --> 00:15:31,852
- I know I have trust issues, all right?
- But it's...
299
00:15:32,023 --> 00:15:34,218
- It's Archer's fault I'm like this.
- Here we go.
300
00:15:34,392 --> 00:15:37,418
- All of those years of lying and cheating.
- It's fine.
301
00:15:37,595 --> 00:15:39,290
That thing with the mayonnaise.
302
00:15:39,464 --> 00:15:41,523
- How messed up he is about his mother.
- Fine.
303
00:15:41,700 --> 00:15:44,134
Do you know he called out her name once
when we f...?
304
00:15:44,302 --> 00:15:47,829
Fine!
305
00:15:49,207 --> 00:15:52,005
- And here we are. All fine.
- Cyril, come on, hon, please?
306
00:15:53,378 --> 00:15:54,970
Now who's a naughty nellie?
307
00:15:55,146 --> 00:15:56,204
- Hello?
Hi, who's this?
308
00:15:56,381 --> 00:15:58,042
Cyril Figgis.
309
00:15:58,216 --> 00:15:59,945
I'm sorry. Did you say Faggis?
310
00:16:00,118 --> 00:16:02,643
- Figgis. Figgis.
- Who is it? Better not be Pam.
311
00:16:02,821 --> 00:16:04,880
Not Faggis?
- Figgis. I was very clear.
312
00:16:05,056 --> 00:16:07,388
Hi, I'm a huge fan of cock
and my name is...
313
00:16:07,559 --> 00:16:09,356
Cyril Figgis.
314
00:16:12,864 --> 00:16:15,799
Holy shit. Our security is atrocious.
315
00:16:15,967 --> 00:16:17,696
Seriously, it's really bad.
316
00:16:18,636 --> 00:16:19,660
Password.
317
00:16:19,971 --> 00:16:23,600
Hm. Password. How about "guest"?
318
00:16:23,775 --> 00:16:25,242
No way.
319
00:16:25,410 --> 00:16:30,040
It can't be.
Jesus Christ, that is just Baby Town frolics.
320
00:16:30,215 --> 00:16:34,311
Okay, operations account.
Just how deep in the red am I?
321
00:16:34,486 --> 00:16:36,977
Out of my mind. Oh, no.
322
00:16:37,155 --> 00:16:40,022
How? How did I spend that much money?
323
00:16:40,358 --> 00:16:43,020
Yeah, I know it's sexy, Woodhouse.
That's why I bought 10.
324
00:16:43,194 --> 00:16:44,684
Now arrange those by color.
325
00:16:44,863 --> 00:16:46,558
These are all black.
326
00:16:46,731 --> 00:16:52,192
Oh, are they? Or are five in a dark black
and five in a slightly darker black?
327
00:16:52,370 --> 00:16:55,965
And now I'm short
a slightly darker black one.
328
00:16:56,141 --> 00:16:58,609
So let's just put all my expenses...
329
00:16:58,777 --> 00:17:02,770
into some pathetic idiot's account
by the name of...
330
00:17:04,082 --> 00:17:06,016
Oh, Krenshaw.
331
00:17:06,184 --> 00:17:08,812
- Oh. Now that's not very nice.
- Oh, God.
332
00:17:08,987 --> 00:17:14,015
Hey, I was... I was just talking about you.
And about how this isn't what it looks like.
333
00:17:14,192 --> 00:17:16,683
- A lot of that going around.
- Yeah. It's an epidemic.
334
00:17:16,861 --> 00:17:20,092
For example, my real name is Kremenski.
335
00:17:20,265 --> 00:17:23,462
- Is that sound...? Is that Jewish?
- It's Russian.
336
00:17:23,635 --> 00:17:25,432
Um...
337
00:17:26,805 --> 00:17:28,534
- Russian-Jewish?
- I'm the mole, idiot.
338
00:17:28,706 --> 00:17:30,264
What? I made up the mole.
339
00:17:30,441 --> 00:17:33,877
Yes, but you told Pam
and now everyone is looking for a real mole.
340
00:17:34,045 --> 00:17:35,239
God, do we hate Pam.
341
00:17:35,413 --> 00:17:37,313
- So I have to escape.
- And irony.
342
00:17:37,482 --> 00:17:39,643
Thanks for breaking
into the mainframe for me.
343
00:17:39,818 --> 00:17:42,685
- Double irony.
- I'll need 50,000 for travel expenses.
344
00:17:42,854 --> 00:17:44,549
- Fifty thousand?
- From your account.
345
00:17:44,722 --> 00:17:48,453
- That's too much.
- It's all last-minute bookings for two.
346
00:17:48,626 --> 00:17:51,322
Wha...? Oh.
347
00:17:51,496 --> 00:17:54,624
Because when I hand
the notorious Duchess to the KGB...
348
00:17:54,799 --> 00:17:57,427
I won't just get a promotion,
I'll get my own dacha.
349
00:17:57,602 --> 00:17:59,763
- Too bad you'll never see it.
- What the...?
350
00:18:01,739 --> 00:18:03,434
Lana, Krenshaw's a mole.
351
00:18:03,608 --> 00:18:06,168
And his name's not really Krenshaw,
it's Kremenski.
352
00:18:06,344 --> 00:18:09,939
Definitely Russian, possibly a Jew.
I don't know. Thoughts?
353
00:18:10,114 --> 00:18:12,605
Yeah. Shut up. And you, drop it.
354
00:18:12,784 --> 00:18:15,116
- Or what?
- No, no, no. Do not wind her up.
355
00:18:15,286 --> 00:18:18,016
That is a big gun, and she is baby crazy.
356
00:18:18,656 --> 00:18:21,147
- Baby crazy?
- That's why I dumped her.
357
00:18:21,326 --> 00:18:23,351
- You little... You sack of shit.
- What? What?
358
00:18:23,528 --> 00:18:28,397
I dumped you because you're dragging
around a 35-year-old umbilical cord.
359
00:18:28,566 --> 00:18:32,468
See? All you talk about is baby shit
because you're baby crazy.
360
00:18:32,637 --> 00:18:35,629
- You wanna see crazy?
- No, I've seen that movie...
361
00:18:35,807 --> 00:18:39,800
and spoiler alert,
it ends with a closetful of my suits on fire.
362
00:18:39,978 --> 00:18:43,846
- I wish you'd been wearing one.
- Who would want to wear an on-fire suit?
363
00:18:44,015 --> 00:18:45,880
- Cosplay enthusiasts.
- What?
364
00:18:46,050 --> 00:18:49,349
Do you even hear
how totally batshit insane you sound?
365
00:18:49,520 --> 00:18:50,851
I'll tell you what I hear.
366
00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:58,121
Yeah, please keep talking.
367
00:18:58,296 --> 00:19:01,459
So why are you sitting here in the car
eating stir-fry?
368
00:19:01,633 --> 00:19:05,729
Oh, it's Stir Friday. And Lana said to.
369
00:19:05,904 --> 00:19:07,633
Krenshaw?
- Ms. Archer?
370
00:19:07,805 --> 00:19:10,899
- What's this flap about a break-in?
- Mother, look out.
371
00:19:11,075 --> 00:19:12,167
Krenshaw is a mole.
372
00:19:12,343 --> 00:19:15,574
Oh, Pam's just full of crap
as she is of carbohydrates.
373
00:19:15,747 --> 00:19:18,841
- Now... Hey.
- Not this time, you impossible bitch.
374
00:19:19,017 --> 00:19:20,882
Also, you should all be nicer to Pam.
375
00:19:21,052 --> 00:19:23,543
- I am always nice to her.
- To her face.
376
00:19:23,721 --> 00:19:26,815
- Why aren't you in the car?
- Will somebody do something?
377
00:19:27,859 --> 00:19:29,349
What are you doing, you idiot?
378
00:19:29,527 --> 00:19:31,825
Shut up. It's classic misdirection.
379
00:19:31,996 --> 00:19:35,432
Looks like we've got
a Mexican standoff, Kremenski.
380
00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:37,431
How is this a Mexican standoff?
381
00:19:37,602 --> 00:19:40,196
- Dumb-ass.
I don't care if you shoot her.
382
00:19:40,371 --> 00:19:44,102
- I do.
- But what if I shoot her, mama's boy?
383
00:19:44,275 --> 00:19:46,106
Sterling?
- Yes.
384
00:19:46,277 --> 00:19:48,745
- Picture her dead in the gutter...
- Sterling.
385
00:19:48,913 --> 00:19:53,043
And what your pathetic life will be like
without old Mommy dearest.
386
00:19:53,217 --> 00:19:54,616
Jesus Christ.
387
00:19:54,786 --> 00:19:56,481
What is it?
- He's got an erection.
388
00:19:56,654 --> 00:19:59,179
What?
- What the hell is wrong with you people?
389
00:20:01,392 --> 00:20:04,020
Nothing. You, on the other hand...
Ow. Ow.
390
00:20:04,195 --> 00:20:05,753
- An erection?
- Ow. Hey.
391
00:20:05,930 --> 00:20:07,158
What's in there, buckles?
392
00:20:07,332 --> 00:20:10,165
The thought of me dead
gives you an erection?
393
00:20:10,335 --> 00:20:12,064
No, just half of one.
394
00:20:12,236 --> 00:20:16,138
The other half would have really
missed you. I mean, not...
395
00:20:16,441 --> 00:20:17,635
- Oh.
- Ugh.
396
00:20:19,610 --> 00:20:21,100
Johnny Bench called.
397
00:20:21,379 --> 00:20:24,815
Yep. See here, Krenshaw just stole 50,000
from Archer's account.
398
00:20:24,983 --> 00:20:28,419
- Must have been doing it all along.
- Apology accepted, ass douche.
399
00:20:28,586 --> 00:20:30,486
- What?
Call him that again...
400
00:20:30,655 --> 00:20:32,088
- Make me.
What?
401
00:20:32,256 --> 00:20:34,224
- Do you see this?
- I just don't understand.
402
00:20:34,392 --> 00:20:38,123
- This is a hostile work environment.
- I would have known if we had a mole.
403
00:20:38,296 --> 00:20:39,729
- How?
- How what, dear?
404
00:20:39,897 --> 00:20:42,923
- How could you know if we had a mole?
- Um...
405
00:20:43,101 --> 00:20:46,730
Then I am taking hot pepper...
406
00:20:47,271 --> 00:20:52,072
and slowly I am rubbing it around...
Goddamn it.
407
00:20:52,310 --> 00:20:54,938
Hello? Darling?
408
00:20:55,213 --> 00:20:59,274
- Who was this?
- Who are you, Comrade Question?
409
00:20:59,450 --> 00:21:01,418
And who are you, Comrade Questions?
410
00:21:01,586 --> 00:21:02,814
- Comrade...?
- Oh, shut up.
411
00:21:02,987 --> 00:21:04,420
You and your erection.
412
00:21:04,589 --> 00:21:07,149
- And why are there doughnuts everywhere?
- Lana did that.
413
00:21:07,325 --> 00:21:11,625
Do you want ants?
Because that's how you get ants.
33131
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