Original subtitles

Help, help.

Help!

Help me!

Help!

- Hi, kids!

Good morning.

- Morning, Paddy.

Good morning, Paddy.

- Hi, how are you, Jack?

Fine.

Hi.

- Have a good day at school.

Thanks.

- Bye.

- Hey, what sort of bloody traffic warden are you anyway?

You should be a clown in the circus, you bloody idiot.

- I tell ya, the board's gonna find out about this carry on.

- The board gave me the job.

I can't control this leg when it goes crazy.

- Well, you haven't a leg to stand on this time.

- Where's Dad?

- He's gettin' the rest of the boxes

out of the back of the truck.

It has to be back by four-ish.

- Honey, we need to get on the road.

You know, traffic.

- You only just live down the street.

- Yeah, it's Los Angeles.

You know it'd take about two hours

to drive five miles down the street.

- I thought you were gettin' the rest of the boxes?

- I did.

I mean, they're outside the door there.

- They're gonna get stolen.

- Neighborhood's not that bad.

Listen, son, your mother and I'd like a few words with ya.

Well, you know the way she suffers her allergies

in the fall and all, you know?

Well, to avoid all the pain and such, well,

we've booked a trip to the old country this weekend.

You know, just to clear her head.

- You want to clear her head by bringing her to Ireland?

- It's for the best, dear.

- Well, you never know.

We could possibly rent a cabin.

We'd be only there for the two weeks, you know?

We'll be over there just to clear things up, you know?

Might even visit the family.

It's been a while.

So, you know the school work you have to do here, well,

we think it would be best if you stayed here, you know.

Settle into your new life without any interference from us,

and especially your mother's constant sneezing.

So there you go.

Two weeks tops.

Please leave your message after the tone.

- Hello, Mom?

It's Bailey.

I haven't heard from you in a few weeks,

and I was just wondering how was Ireland,

and when are you comin' back?

Please leave your message after the tone.

- Mom, I think Dad's deletin' the messages

before you hear them.

Dad, stop deletin' the messages or I'm gonna tell Mom.

Mom, where are you?

Please leave your message after the tone.

- Dad, if you're listenin', just call, okay?

Just call.

Get Mom to call.

Just two minutes.

Anything.

It's not gonna cost you that much.

Please leave your message after the tone.

- Hi, Mom.

Hello, Dad.

I just wanted to see if you were home yet,

and if I can come round to say hello?

Please leave your message after the tone.

- Two weeks tops.

Yeah, right.

- So you're movin' into the father's place, then?

- Well, we haven't thought about it.

- We haven't even seen the place since we've been back.

I imagine it's a wreck.

- And is Bailey comin'?

- No, he can't.

Allergies.

You know, all that snuffin' and sneezin'.

It's the time of the year, you know.

I think it's the grass or somethin'.

Anyway, he don't want to be miserable.

Besides, he just started college.

- Oh, started college?

I didn't know that.

- He's just moved into a place of his own.

Right next door to the college.

Straight As, that one.

Gets it from my side.

- Do they not stay on campus these times?

- He's not really the social type.

- You know, the allergies.

- Too busy studying, computers and such.

Brilliant boy, really.

We're so proud.

- Won't be long until he's home to see his parents.

Welcome home.

- Busy again today, Paddy?

- Oh hi, Tara.

- Saw you painting the church fence yesterday.

- Try to stay out of mischief.

It's really nice to see you, Tara.

- Do you know somethin'?

I never noticed what nice arms you have.

Anyway, I'll see you later.

Shannon.

Oh hi, Tara.

How are you?

- Good, how are you?

- Good, thanks. - They look lovely.

They're gorgeous, aren't they?

- How much for a bunch of them?

- I've lilies and roses for 60.

- Ah, go on, I'll give you 50.

- Alright, since it's the day its in.

Why not?

- Thanks.

- Thank you.

- So how's the new job?

- Good, it's going really well actually, yeah.

- Good stuff. - Business is good, you know?

I'm used to it now. - Cool.

Do you know what time it is?

- When has that ever stopped me?

- And yet here you are.

I already know what you're gonna say,

so I'm gonna save you the time.

No!

- A normal person would be an idiot

to pass up an opportunity like this.

Fine, I get it.

You're not normal, but then again, neither am I.

- I'm not listening.

- You don't like to go out of the house, fine.

But it will only be for a 24-hour period.

One day tops.

That's all you'll have to handle.

That's nothing.

- So there's no one living in Caro but you, then?

Is that what you're saying?

- It's smaller than Los Angeles, I give you that.

- Here, I'll give you something else.

- This is going to be a real simple procedure.

No!

- How you doin', sir?

Get your signature here?

Thank you very much.

- Stop!

Well, hello there!

- I'm sending it back.

- Non-refundable.

Sorry.

I'm out an arm and, well, another arm.

- I'm not kidding!

- Neither am I.

I really believe that with you here,

we can actually get this whole thing taken care of.

- It's not a curse.

It's called genetics.

My grandfather had this.

Your grandfather had that.

And we just happen to draw the short end of the stick.

- I blame the movies, really.

Your mind is all fuzzy.

You need to come back to reality and gain some perspective.

- You're going on about curses,

and I'm the one that needs to stop dreaming?

- What have you got to lose?

If nothing else, it's a free trip to the mother land,

and you can get to see your parents.

- They don't wanna see me.

- Did they ever say that?

I'm sure they miss you.

They are your parents after all.

- Yeah, well, you try telling them that,

since they're the ones that went into hiding

the minute I moved out.

I've been beating off their phone calls

with a 10-foot bat ever since.

- You were never one with the jokes.

- I don't wanna see them.

- But that's not why you're coming here now, is it?

Ha ha ha.

Humpty humpty dumpty.

- See?

- Hello, Bailey Farrell?

- Yeah, who am I speaking to?

- Richard Dawson.

Director of Dawson Enterprises International.

Based in London.

- Oh, how can I help you?

- It is my great pleasure to inform you

that you have won first prize, 2,000 pounds Sterling

for your brilliant and exciting idea

for Dawson Computers Incorporated.

- Wow!

That's great!

Thank you so much!

- You are cordially invited to be a guest speaker

at a special dinner all expenses paid.

Congratulations.

We'll be in touch with the travel arrangements.

We'll see you real soon.

- Limp?

It's me.

Thanks for the ticket, but I won't need it.

What do you mean?

- I've won an all-expenses-paid trip to London

for this IT systems idea I had.

You sure are one smart cookie,

but how will you get over to Ireland?

- I hate flying.

But once the presentation is done,

I'll get a ferry over to Dublin.

Can you arrange to meet me there?

Of course.

We'll have you home in no time.

- Thanks.

- Oh hi, Eddie.

Could I ask you a favor?

- What?

- I wondered could you give me a run to Dublin?

- A run to Dublin?

What do you want in Dublin for?

- I want to pick up a friend of mine.

- And how much is this gonna cost me?

- Not much.

- Do you think I'm some kind of a fool?

With nothin' else to do but go around puttin' my hand

in my pocket and handin' money out to the like of you?

You can get it somewhere else.

- Typical.

What was that all about?

- I saw a big bug.

Mr. And Mrs. Farrell?

- You see?

- Will you move?

Paddy!

How are you?

- Good, I think, Mrs. Farrell.

How are you?

Call me Eileen.

- Mr. Farrell.

- Yeah.

- We're just on our way out.

I was hoping I could ask you to do me a little favor.

I was wondering if you could give me a ride

up to the Dublin ferry.

- Dublin?

- Yeah, I'm not able to drive,

and I was hoping I was going to ask you to oblige.

Dublin.

- Hush it, Colm.

Why do you need to go to the ferry?

- Are you leaving for somewhere?

- I was hoping to pick up a friend.

- We could always go to the market tomorrow.

It's no bother.

- No, I prefer to go today.

The cupboards are bare.

- Come on, Colm.

What time's your friend getting in?

- Who are we picking up anyway?

- Just an old friend of mine.

- What friends do you have?

What's the hold up now?

- No.

Reverend Mother.

I think that man's possessed.

Look!

- Quit it.

- The devil is in that poor man's hump, Mother.

His hump is dancing.

Security to Terminal B.

Security to Terminal B, please.

Security to Terminal B, please.

- Stop will ya.

It's nothing.

- How can you look at him and say that?

He's got something back there--

- Because Customs would've stopped him

if there was something.

- How do you know?

- I don't know.

- What if he's got a bomb back there or something?

- Will you please calm down?

It's nothing.

He doesn't have a bomb.

What if he's a suicide bomber?

- Bailey!

You're finally home.

What are you doing? - Bailey.

- What the hell are you doing?

That's my friend.

I can't, Bailey.

What's the matter with you?

I can't wait to get back.

Bailey!

- You lied to us.

You never told us who you were picking up.

- Technically it wasn't a lie.

- It was a lie and now we're going to be all over the news

because of your little stunt.

- It was a stunt?

- Look, you know what I mean.

Well because of his hump and your leg,

they treated us like common criminals.

I thought they were quite nice about it.

- Come off it, the lot of ya.

It's been a long day.

We're all cranky and need a bit of rest.

We can make up the guest bedroom.

Oh hold on.

No, it's fine.

I can stay with Limp.

That tiny, little place?

It's barely enough room in there for Paddy as is.

It's no problem.

It's what I planned to do in the first place.

What are you doing?

Can barely fit the car in here.

What are you doing?

- Look, it's still bright, Eileen.

We're gonna get the two boys over here,

and they can come up to the house after it gets dark.

Look, it's fine.

You know it's just a little bit tight.

That's all.

Right now you, come on.

Out of the sunroof.

That's gonna be difficult.

- Look, it's fine.

Will you just get up there?

Come on.

Hey, will you watch it with that thing?

- Sorry about the leg.

- Bailey, come on.

You're up.

Bailey, come on, come on.

Com on.

- You've gotta push up, push out down there.

He's stuck.

- You gotta pull him.

Pull him up.

Pull him.

- Watch this.

- What?

- Ugh!

Oh God.

That's disgusting.

- Shit food.

Sorry about that.

- Your dad's a really nice guy.

- Right.

- Doesn't look too busy down there now,

but we should wait awhile before going down to the pub.

The owners are a little bit superstitious.

If that's okay with you.

- I really don't feel like dealing

with a bunch of people right now.

- I know.

We can go down to the Butcher's shop.

They'll be no one down there now, only Shannon.

- Who?

- Butcher's daughter.

She's a really great girl.

Pretty.

You'll like here.

- I really don't think that that's a good idea.

- Too bad.

You see that river?

That's the Barrow.

Teaming with fish all year round.

Oh by the way.

Welcome home, Bailey.

- Thanks, Paddy.

It's good to be home, I guess.

- You guess?

It's great your home.

Great for you.

Great for me.

And you know, behind every rock in Ireland, there's a story,

and our little town is no different.

Those are the owners.

Eddie and Maggie.

They're constantly at each other's throats.

Married?

Brother and sister.

They're a little bit on the odd side.

I wouldn't know anything about that.

And surprisingly single.

It's not just them though.

Even though they're entertaining to watch

and they're fine landlords for me,

this whole town is full of characters.

What now?

Let's go to the coffee shop.

- Listen here.

I'm the land lady in this place, not you.

- Sean, we've customers upfront.

Hurry it up.

- That's Mrs. O'Grady there.

And that's her husband, Sean.

- They want stumps.

- Yeah, yeah.

- You two.

Hold up shop here.

- Since it is so packed.

- I'm serious.

- So are we.

- Ah!

Get the hell out of here.

- What the hell?

That woman.

She just disappeared like that, puff.

- Breda?

- Who?

- You'll find out later.

- But she just vanished.

- Again, Breda?

- That doesn't tell me anything.

- Come on, you're lagging.

Home sweet home.

- This is it?

- Yeah.

I have my own place down the basement.

It's a little bit cold, a little bit dark, but it's home.

- Why are we going through the back?

- You don't want to be seen.

- What's going on?

It's that woman again.

- What is it?

Something scare it?

- Knock it off.

Look, we need to talk about this.

- We just came in through the back door.

Jesus, not like we're breaking and entering.

- Not that, this.

We need to talk about why you dragged me

all the way over here for.

Wow.

Look at all this stuff.

It's pretty amazing.

- No, that's amazing.

I've always wanted to try this,

but it's been impossible 'cause of this thing.

Why don't you get on it?

Just takes a bit of practice.

- You believe me about the curse though, right?

It's not just some genetic mutation

that happened to plague our families and us.

Our families are cursed plain and simple

and we need to break it.

- Paddy?

What are you doing hiding back there?

- I'm not hiding.

- Well, stalking then or skating.

- Oh no.

No, no, no.

- Well hello there.

- Tara, this is my best friend, Bailey.

He just arrived from California.

And Bailey, this is my friend, Tara.

- It's good to meet you, Bailey.

How long you plan on staying our little town for?

- Oh, at least for two weeks.

- And has Paddy shown you around yet?

- So far it's been great.

- What the toy shop?

- It's a lovely shop.

How's about this, Paddy and Californian Irish?

We all go out this Friday night.

Shannon and I can show you the real Cara.

How's about that?

- You mean like a date?

- You can call it whatever you like.

Sound good?

Lovely.

I'll leave you boys to your tour of the toys.

- You've been in Ireland just a couple of hours,

and you've already landed a date?

- Hey.

You got good that.

- Scary, huh?

For men I suppose and cows.

- Here we are.

- And there you are.

Can never have too much godas I suppose.

- Never.

- Ah hey Breda.

- Hey.

- See you again next week?

- Same time.

- Well, you smell like dead sheep.

- I always appreciate the visual greetings you give.

Hello to you, too.

You here to hook me or do you need something?

- I need to ask you something.

- Like a favor or demand I do something I don't want to do?

- I don't demand.

I don't.

You're going on a double date

with me and Paddy Friday night.

- What?

Paddy O'Reilly?

- And his friend from the states.

- No, no.

What's his name?

- Bailey.

He's the Farrell's long lost son.

He looks just like his dad except for one exception.

- Really?

- Looks like the family curse is alive and well.

- What's with you and Paddy anyway?

- He's not like most men I suppose.

- Let me think about it.

- No, come on, you're going.

It could be fun.

- If I'm bored, I'm coming after you.

One solid punch to the eye.

- I'll call you later with the details.

- Oh hell.

I can't see anything.

Shh.

I thought you said this wasn't

breaking and entering.

It's not.

But that doesn't mean you have to yell.

I'm standing right alongside you.

- Feels like we're breaking in.

Where's the light?

- Something's touching me.

Is that you?

I hope the hell not.

- Feels like something just bit me.

Ah.

Where's the light at?

I think it's over near you.

- I don't even know where I'm standing.

Here it is.

- You look familiar.

- We've never met.

- You're the American.

- My grandfather was from here.

I didn't actually break in.

I mean, the toy shop, I was in there.

The door was opened so I just came in.

Don't know where Paddy went.

Paddy and his jokes.

- You're nervous.

- I just don't want you to call the cops.

- It's a butcher's shop.

I sell things to customers that just walk in all the time,

even ones that fall face first in.

- I'm sorry about that.

It's just that it was--

- Dark back there?

- Yeah.

- I know your parents.

They're both from here.

- Yeah, we moved around a lot when I was a kid,

and then they took me to the states.

- But they made it sound like you wanted to stay there

and go to medical school.

- No.

- You didn't want to stay?

- No to the medical school thing.

I specialize in computers.

- Fancy that.

So, you didn't want to come back?

- Didn't have a choice.

- I heard something about your grandfather.

Is it true that he was one of the survivors?

- Yeah.

- Really?

I always thought that was just a rumor.

- I wish it was.

- Why?

To walk away from such disaster,

I mean, that's really something.

- Yeah, I guess.

My great grandfather wandered into the engine room,

and got his hump caught on the steering wheel

causing the ship to run the ground and sink,

and when he went overboard, the cold waters made his hump

grow so large several people were saved by clinging onto it.

- You're pulling my leg.

- I wish I was.

I mean, I wish I was joking.

- So your grandfather sunk the ship?

- Well, the rocks did.

- You know what I mean.

It's never in the history books.

- They only know that he survived,

though it's not really something to be proud of.

- You told me and we just met.

- He did save a lot of lives.

- Hold still.

You're a cute one.

Whoa.

Do all Irish Americans dance as good as you?

- I don't think so.

- The lights above your head, love.

Murderer.

Murderer, murderer.

What the hell?

Murderer.

Meat cleaver.

She has a meat cleaver.

Bailey, Bailey.

Ah, she tried to cut my hump off.

Bailey, Bailey.

Help me!

- Mrs. Moriarty!

Mrs. Moriarty!

Mrs. Moriarty!

Stop the fucking car.

What the hell, mate?

Mrs. Moriarty.

- Murderer.

Stop the fucking car!

This is the worst day of my life.

Please stop.

- What are we gonna do about Bailey?

- He's not a kid anymore.

He's a grown up.

- He's living in a cellar.

It's a dump and it's freezing.

You said he could come home.

Two weeks tops.

- Bailey.

How long have you been sitting there?

- How was your cure for this curse?

- Been dragged behind a car bumper.

Thought that was a bunch of bloody use.

- That Shannon tried to cut my hump off.

- I never thought of that.

That might work.

- How about this for an idea?

How 'bout we tie your wrist to a light pole,

strap that leg of yours to your favorite bumper,

and when the car takes off down the street wham.

Leg sorted.

No problem.

And then if there's any meat hanging off your ass,

we'll let Shannon and her big friend

the meat cleaver have at it.

How 'bout that for a plan?

- That's a bad idea.

- Where you going?

- Your place.

- Don't bother.

I was by there this afternoon.

Place is all locked up.

- How long was I on that car bumper for?

- They've even taken the curtain.

- You mean they packed up everything

in one afternoon and moved?

- Yeah, I know.

- Unbelievable.

- Well, what now?

- My place.

- The pub will be packed.

Everybody and their dog will be there.

- Come on.

- No, no no.

You're doing it all wrong.

- Well how then?

- Pull your hand to the left quickly.

Like this.

- See?

It's not working for you either.

- I'm distracted.

Who's there?

Show yourself.

Speak now or suffer my wrath.

- Sorry Breda.

That's just me cell phone.

You know, ringtones.

Here can we finish this later?

Gotta be somewhere.

- No problem.

You need more practice anyway.

- Looks like the mortician's here.

- You.

Glad to see that nasty little habit of yours

is finally got up with you.

- I think I've been doing quite nicely.

Thank you very much.

- Quite nicely at screwing up.

- Really?

Let me refresh your memory.

Famines, diseases, corruption, war, bloodshed,

robberies, murder, serial killers,

pedophiles, pestilence, bubblegum.

Oh and my favorite, politics.

- I'm not talking about that.

I'm talking about your little problem.

Let's say roughly 900 years ago.

I know that you made a pact with the evil king.

You offered him dominion over all

if he would do your bidding,

but those two bumbling morons killed your evil king

and with that your curse.

- Every other generation is cursed by a limp and a hump,

and shunned completely by society,

though I still can't figure out

how they keep nearly finding true love.

Now that's really disgusting.

- You're just mad because you know it's true love

that's going to break your curse.

- Never.

- Quit being so melodramatic.

- Keep talking and you will suffer.

- I wonder why the humans have all

these loser names for you.

There's Satan and Lucifer.

He sounds like a gay pirate.

And what's with Beelzebub?

- It's Beelzebub.

- Same thing.

Now for this true love thing.

Gotta help these boys.

- Why can't we take these in the front door?

- We're not allowed inside.

- Really?

- I don't make the rules.

Nice and slow.

- Did we just put a body in a car?

- Sure we did.

Man has to make a living.

- I don't think I'm use to the time differences yet.

It's eight o'clock and I feel like I just woke up.

- Most people don't sleep from

three in the day 'til nighttime.

- I was tired.

- Anything new from America?

No.

- How 'bout your folks?

- My parents have never even heard about computers.

- Did they really ditch you all those years ago?

- No, I just really love Los Angeles.

So are we going out with the girls tonight?

- After the way you behaved?

- She tried to cut my hump off.

I was there.

I know what happened.

- Really?

With a meat cleaver?

You're a moron.

You ran out of there screaming like a little girl.

It's no wonder they haven't called us.

We'll stay in tonight.

We'll be safe here.

From people and meat cleavers.

- And you from car bumpers?

- Like a drink, Shannon?

Four play?

- No thanks, Brendan.

I'm good.

- Yes, you are.

- Two pints please, Nick.

- I'm not sure about him.

He's persistent that's for sure.

- A man who knows what he wants.

So, do you want the good news or the bad news first?

- It's Friday night.

No one wants to hear bad news.

Go away if you want to talk about that.

- Looks like Bailey's folks informed ours

that Paddy and self are the recipients of the Gaelic curse,

and we best watch ourselves.

- That didn't come from Eileen Farrell's mouth.

I can tell you that.

That dumb Colm.

I always knew he hated his son.

- Ah, hates a bit strong.

Look who I brought as backup.

Evening Dan.

- Would you like a round on yours?

- Actually since she's enlisted you

for the evening it's all on her.

- Ha, later.

- Oh, I need to be drunk if my parents

are thinking about bothering me.

- Would you like me to tell them that to leave?

- I wouldn't go that far.

You're not playing bouncer just yet.

They're our parents after all.

- Oh would you look?

The poet's out tonight.

They say he hasn't hit his fourth drink yet.

You gonna let him?

- What do you think?

I love it when he speaks in rhyme.

It's Eddie that doesn't.

- Right you are.

What number drink is that?

- What did I tell you about that?

Now he's cut off after four.

He'll cause a raid in here when the drunks come in.

Try to sober him up.

- All night in front of me fun abounds,

but I could get lost in those wonderful mounds.

Yay, he got it.

- You talked to Paddy?

- Nope.

- But you know he's here.

- Sure, why wouldn't he be?

He lives here.

I think that's coming from Paddy's room.

- Who's going to talk to her?

- You are.

- Shannon.

- Oh good Lord.

We're not even doing anything.

- I didn't say you were.

Really?

- You never told us you met the Farrell boy.

- I didn't think I needed to.

- We would just like to know him a little better.

Isn't that all?

No harm in that now, is there really?

- Now's not really the best time.

- We would like you to think of your reputation.

That's all.

- Neither one of us is big on that.

- It's a passing fad, I'd say.

- Ah hell.

A warning would've been nice.

- I only just saw them.

- You play, too?

- Why have you been hiding this wonderful gift?

Come on.

You've gotta share this with everyone upstairs.

- Are you crazy?

They'll just laugh and slag us off,

and besides, nobody knows he's here.

- They'll run us both out of town

with pitchforks and torches.

- When you picture us town folk,

you imagine the entire cast of Frankenstein?

They won't do that.

- How about your meat cleaver that you tried to kill me?

- You thought I wanted to kill you?

That's what you get for living in Los Angeles, eh.

You do realize you were in a butcher shop, right?

- Where you chop meat?

- Time to meet the villagers.

- Now, let's see you play these maestro.

- I thought you both were long ago.

- Your father's here.

So?

- There's nothing I can say that will justify our actions.

- I know it wasn't your choice.

- I love you son but I love your father as well.

Play for us, for him at least.

- Was that you two downstairs?

Play.

- What in the name of God is that fool at now?

- Play.

- Pick it up, dude.

Play it like it's rock and roll.

- Let's go.

- Fleshy woman and bouncing thighs.

Kid you not.

Look before your eyes.

- Hi ball.

- What do you think you're doing?

You pay for that.

- Is this a hoolie or what?

- One hell of a hoolie hoolie.

- Cranking it up now boys.

- Absolutely deadly.

- Great, great.

- I know you could do it.

- Thanks a lot.

Thank you.

- Fun play, too.

I mean it.

- Thank you.

You'll be needing those.

- These are the keys to the large locks

on the front door of the house.

Here are the keys that open the locks

that hold the crossbars on the door.

You'll have to be careful when you use these.

They're tricky.

These, I think, open up the seven deadbolts

your father had installed on the front door.

I think that's it.

We'll be back the day after tomorrow.

Have to get the furniture from Dublin.

- So are you saying I can go home now?

- As long as you want, son.

I think we better be getting on the road.

We have to get to Dublin before tomorrow morning.

- I'll be damned.

We should celebrate.

- Oh, you're drunk.

- It's just been such a great night.

I think the drinks have gone to my head.

Maybe I should go home and rest.

Go to bed to sleep.

Sober comes with sleep.

Sleep to be sober.

And we still need to take care of our businesses tomorrow.

The things.

- I'll see you in the morning, okay.

- Okay.

- Night buddy.

- I'm not that drunk.

- Do you know who I am?

- Yes, you are Lucifer.

- When you say Lucifer, do you think of a gay pirate?

Nevermind.

Why do you breach the cemetery?

- I was taking a shortcut to my parents' house.

- Your parents?

I thought they hated your, well you know.

- Yes that.

They do, I think.

At least my father always has, yes.

- Sad, isn't it?

- Can I go?

- Does your girlfriend hate it just as much as they do?

- Pardon?

- The little raven haired one.

- Oh, no.

No I don't think so.

- She actually likes you that way?

You don't think that's a little odd?

- Not anymore.

I really need to knock off that drinking.

- Here he is now.

- I see.

Oh he's not too cheap to go all out with a little window.

- Oh yeah.

He says it gives it a homelier feel.

- Homeless more like it.

- By the way, you're gonna have

to introduce me to your friend.

- Why?

You've met him already.

- Don't give me that.

I'm not stupid.

I tell you he's a good looking one.

- Who are you talking about?

- I can't talk now.

Tell you later.

- Bailey?

Nobody just wakes up like that.

- I met someone last night.

Someone who well did this.

- What?

- I met the devil.

I'm telling you the truth.

- Of course you are.

- It happened last night in the cemetery after I left here.

He did this to me.

He took the hump just like that and now look at me.

How else would you explain something like this?

- Stranger things have happened around here, I suppose.

- He asked me about my back.

That and something about a gay pirate.

- What?

- But look at the evidence.

- Or lack of it.

- Right?

No more hump.

I'm sitting up straight like everyone else.

- What damn good does that do me?

- Why don't you go through the cemetery tonight

and find out for yourself?

- But I live here.

- That's not the point.

- So just go the the cemetery,

and the devil will heal my leg just like that?

- Just like that.

- You're crazy.

- I'm a crazy normal person now.

- So the cemetery, huh?

- But you owe me another drink first.

- Swear Bailey, if you're pulling my leg.

I don't see anything.

He's messing with me.

Do you know who I am?

Don't harm me.

- Hurt you?

I wouldn't think of it.

Stand up and face me.

What are you doing in my cemetery this time of night?

- I normally take the shortcut for the house.

- You live at the pub.

- My friend's house, Mister Satan.

- What's up with your leg?

It's not right.

It's facing the wrong way.

Odd.

- I have this condition with my leg.

- Perhaps I can help you with that.

Speak up.

- My soul.

I sort of wanted to keep that.

- I don't want your soul.

I have no idea where this whole selling your soul

to the devil thing started.

I'm here to talk about you.

Forget about your soul.

- Me?

- Yes you.

Come over here.

Stop all the quivering.

Do you know what this is?

- A gnarley rock?

- You're a looker now.

- Limp?

Limp?

What the hell happened?

- You said it right there.

Hell happened.

I did what you said.

I went to the cemetery.

I spoke to Satan and now look.

This is not the favor I had in mind.

- Did you anger him?

Upset him?

- Upset him?

He's the devil.

I imagine he's already mad and as angry as blazers.

I don't know what happened.

I don't know what I did wrong.

All I can keep thinking about is Tara.

How could she ever love this?

Look at me.

I've got a hump heading toward her,

and a leg going the other way.

- Tara's really keen on you.

- That was before I became the local

Quasimodo and Hoof foot.

- There's loads we can do to make you more comfortable.

Why don't we figure this out?

- Bloody comfortable?

- Would you just listen?

I've got some really good ointment for your face.

- Ointment?

Really?

Are you freaking joking me?

Ointment?

Look at the freaking state of me.

Ointment?

Ointment?

Damn.

- Look, we'll take care of this.

If it was put there, it can be taken away.

- Of course it can.

- We just need to figure out what to do in the meantime

while we work on this problem.

- Oh that's simple enough.

Come on.

- What if you use a lot of fabric?

- I can try but I can't promise you anything.

- I told you this is a rotten idea.

- We'll you knock it off.

We're trying to get something done.

- Keep still.

- I am.

- I've got it.

- Please tell me you're joking me.

- What?

I've got three of these at home.

Here.

Try this on.

I hate you.

- What do you think?

Stylish.

- Take it off.

I hate you.

- I know.

You said that already.

The hairdressers.

How 'bout we get you a haircut?

- What damn good is that to me?

- It'll make you feel better.

Trust me.

It always helped when I was feeling down and I should know.

I've had that thing all my life.

Here we are.

- It's not as if I didn't like college.

It just wasn't for me.

I never really had time for me in that sense, you know.

I always wanted to travel around and actually find me.

- I know what you mean.

- So you know what I'm talking about then?

- Look, the thing is Satan probably.

- Shh, don't say that so loud.

I'm sure he can hear us.

- Mister Satan put that there.

I'm sure that he can take it back,

and mend your leg at the same time.

He fixed my problem.

- He didn't fix it.

He just transferred it.

- Would that be one lump or two?

- One.

- Don't mind him.

He's just a kid.

- Get up.

At least this stuff doesn't smell bad.

- Told you.

- Still doesn't make me feel any better.

- Did you invite someone?

- Why would I invite anyone when I look like this?

- Shh.

Oh, sorry we haven't called.

- What the hell happened to your back?

- It's a bit of a long story and I have no idea

how to even begin to explain it.

- Paddy.

Oh, just feeling a little bit under the weather.

Just don't want to give it to you is all.

- What in earth happened?

- Like I said, you won't believe me if I told you.

- No, you said it was a long story.

We have time to listen.

- Is that why you're hiding?

Sure that's silly.

- I just didn't think you would want

to be with me when I'm like this.

- I don't care about your leg or the hump.

I like you for you.

- So now you want to tell us

how the freaky Friday switch happened?

- Wasn't technically a switch per se.

More like a transfer.

- Sure that's ridiculous.

That could only happen with painful surgery.

That's what I said.

- You do know your own town.

Weird things happen in the cemetery at night time.

Wait.

You both know something.

- Well not about this.

- What next?

Ugh.

It's the lady with the thing on her face.

- Her name's Breda.

- Who?

- I can hear you.

Oh wow.

This is an amusing bunch.

- How can we help you?

- I can help you.

Well, aren't you going to ask me how I can help you?

- You kinda freak us out?

- I freak you out, stump?

- Anyways look.

This is Bailey.

It's Paddy's friend from out of town.

This is Breda.

- I see you've met my brother and you too.

- Excuse me? - Excuse me?

- I can see that I've got my work cut out for me today,

but I can help you all.

Now let's go.

Come on.

Chop chop.

- I cannot believe I'm back here again.

Watch him take my arm this time.

- You're just being silly.

- Am I?

Look at my back and tell me I'm being silly.

- Shh.

He has a point, you know.

- Why is there so much fog?

- Show yourself.

- Well look whose returned.

This place is beginning to look like Grand Central Station.

- Well I brought them just like you said.

Now go ahead.

Ask them.

- Both of you step forward.

You two are the last remaining descendants

of the Gaelic curse.

I can offer you freedom from the curse.

I'm the only one who can,

and I can offer you a whole lot more.

Anything you've ever wanted in your entire lives.

Everything you've ever dreamed of.

But there's a condition.

- Our souls?

- I want you to do my bidding here

on earth while you're alive.

- He made the same deal with the king say 900 years ago,

but your two idiot ancestors screwed up and killed the king.

- So that's why we had the curse?

- That's the short of it.

- And so he punished them with a limp and a hump.

It's not very creative.

- Silence.

Now answer my question.

- No.

I will not do your bidding.

I already have everything I want.

If she doesn't care, then none of this matters.

- And there's your answer my dear brother.

Your demise.

Oh, my beloved brother.

Those are the magic words and recipe for your fall.

Can't you feel the harmony and power?

It's killing you.

- You.

None of you deserve the treasures of my kingdom of misery.

Perhaps all four of you will live a long life.

Married with children.

Bills, mortgages, in laws, and each other.

It's not my curse but it comes a close second.

- I'd rather have love at any cost.

- Then be happy in your miserable love, you morons.

The curse is lifted.

I'm leaving now.

And when I return, boy will it be a visit from hell for you.

Now be gone from my sight.

- You know, what he said about your love is true.

It is so very pure but I just love aggravating him.

It's time for me to go as well,

but be careful or you may see me again soon.

Remember this.

That's not the only curse that he knows.

We're still on for tomorrow though, right?

- Yeah, of course.

- What a night.

Would do you say to get coffee at Dunphy's?

- Yeah.