Original subtitles

Oh, hello, dear Irene.

How are you?

All right, Alvin.

Hey, three times in one week. Must say something to my cooking.

Keeps you regular.

So, shall we try the Punjabis?

It's the same in any language.

How do you say chicken tikka masala again?

Yeah,

that'll do. And a rice and an arm, please.

All right, arms out.

Tracy and Tony.

How does a fortnight in Tenerife grab you?

It's safe here. You'll be staying in a five -star hotel on the fabulous East

Coast with its own private beach and health farm.

Then there's the many water sports on offer. Absolutely free.

And Tenerife's exciting and exhausting nightlife.

I think we should take a look, don't we?

Let's see what 30 bananas or more will get you.

That's right, Matthew.

30 bananas will see our lucky couple getting off to the sun -drenched island

Tenerife. The volcano may have cooled down, but it's still hot.

Our lucky pair will be staying at the luxurious Club Paradiso.

Gordon, just how much of a moron are you?

I haven't got time to nursemaid you through your job, and I don't rehearse

the good of my health.

They can journey inland to the island's ancient crater.

You'll finger out.

In the start.

While they watch the sun setting over the sea.

The Go Bananas firecracker has been invented... I mean, it was me trying to

a proper copper out of him. And she says, can he hang around the telephone

outside Paddington Station?

I said, no.

I would like him to be a good detective, not a hooker.

Hang on.

You've got to watch this, Jack.

They're free bananas right from Tenerife.

I wouldn't watch that if you paid me.

Look, I don't know what you're getting excited for. It's all rigged anyway.

It's not.

All right, my supper's ready.

Yes!

Oh, lovely!

Oh, it's big time!

Another happy couple!

Gracie and Tony are off to Tenerife for two weeks of sun, sea and, well, who

knows?

I'm Matthew Robinson, reminding you that if it's a dream holiday you're after,

then join the fun and go bananas!

Hey, Mr. Robinson, if you have a problem with my work, then take me to one side

and tell me. Don't keep humiliating me in public, in front of my colleagues.

Look, pal, if you can't take a bit of criticism... Why should I take anything

from a jumped -up bingo caller?

They think you can treat people like crap just because you get your face in

box once a week.

Well, that's certainly an unusual way of hunting in your resignation, Gordon.

Amazing. What?

Who put that on?

I did.

I did not. I hate this new car.

Hmm. Doesn't look like you want to make me a cup of coffee.

Good night.

Don't know what's wrong with him.

We rehearsed for hours and he still gets it wrong.

I know I shouldn't have let him wire me up like that.

But you know, it's important.

I am Saturday night to millions of viewers. Have been for five years.

Of course you are.

The reason we're consistently in the top 20 in the ratings... What about the

threatening letters?

I'd better get off.

Here.

Get Sam those trainers he wanted.

Listen, I know how busy you are. Why don't you save yourself the hassle and

bung a check in the post?

But I like coming round.

How is Sam?

He's over the moon about the football tournament.

Oh, right. That's next week, isn't it?

Last week.

They won on penalties.

Oh.

It's all right.

Gary went.

Morning.

Excuse me.

Oh, morning, Mum.

Much as I admire your backside, I don't expect it to be the first thing that

greets me in the morning.

This is an arpache.

What's that?

Hey, Sam, what about that sign posted with your dad? Don't worry, you're

laughing.

Hi, Sam.

Gay, you're not going to believe what's happened now.

Hi.

Yeah.

Yeah, OK, I'll call you.

So angry.

I refuse to let the press dictate which cases we investigate. Some silly man has

his tyre slashed, and just because he's on the television, we're supposed to

throw all our precious resources at it.

Where's the DI?

He's putting her make -up on, Mum.

What?

Morning.

Oh, are you on your way out?

Slashed tyres. Made a bail.

Not you as well. I've just had this argument.

Maybe this is something for uniform.

Well, I don't think so.

What?

George, where are you going?

With the DI, Mum.

This is ridiculous. What about the phone boxes?

They'll still be there.

How often does a trainee get to deal with the oi poloi?

This is important.

He'll be working in the full glare of the public eye.

And if he cocks it up, he does it in front of several million people.

Which is why I'm going to accompany him.

Morning.

Thank you.

A bit of personalised training.

You want to know what's it in?

That's not fair.

Yes, but it's true.

Could it be someone you know? An ex -lover?

Anything like that?

No, I don't... The world is full of crazy people.

And Matthew, like John Lennon, like lots of other famous personalities I've

represented, is a natural target.

Well... Have you read in the newspaper you've been receiving threatening

letters? Could I ask why you didn't draw it to our attention before?

I really think that's irrelevant. I thought I'd just explain that, actually.

If you reported every cranky letter... I'm sorry. It's been a tough few weeks.

Of course it is.

I really don't understand what I've done.

I've never hurt anyone in my life.

It's not in my nature.

I'm sure it's not.

The note that was left on your car, Mr Robinson, I presume you still have it.

Of course he does.

I'm watching you, and just when you least expect it.

Get it, Chase.

I think I need a drink.

Can I get anyone else anything?

No, thank you. Not while I'm on duty.

Nor me.

I wouldn't say no to a tonic.

There was one other thing.

Yes? Tell me something about your programme.

Yes?

Is it rigged when they win, like?

Of course not.

I knew it wasn't.

It's a wonderful show.

I don't suppose I could have a signed photo?

For a friend of mine. It is a great thing.

Of course.

What's her name?

It's one of those new estates up by the swimming pool.

You need to talk to the ex and the son.

Yeah, fine.

So, what do you think then, Mum?

She's a lot smaller than I thought she'd be.

Please don't tell me they're all complaints.

No, ma 'am.

Fair enough.

For me?

Only the ones in large crayon.

Sorry, did you want to say something, Inspector?

What?

So Mr. Robinson seemed okay.

Oh, the usual.

Grumbles about work.

I think he'd, um, had a run -in with one of the staff.

What was that about?

I'm sorry, I stopped listening. Nothing much, I don't think.

He sort of comes round here for a shoulder to cry on.

And Sam, how does he feel about having a famous dad?

Well, you know kids.

They don't give much away.

You'd have to ask him.

I can't say he's the greatest dad.

In the end, the public are always more important than we are. His public.

And the stupid thing is, the more famous you become, the more insecure you get.

I couldn't bear it.

I think I might be onto something here, ma 'am.

Yeah?

There's got to be eight or nine letters from the same woman.

Could be a fruitcake.

Fruitcake? Nothing wrong with fruitcake.

I'm quite fond of a bit of fruitcake.

She's put her name and address on them.

Doesn't exactly smack of the workings of an intricate criminal mind.

The taxman puts his name and address on.

That means nothing.

Never stopped him robbing me.

And it wouldn't be the first time something stupid got us a result.

So you think it could be worth following up?

I do, George.

And I think you're just the men for the job.

On my way, Mum.

And Steve here will show you how it's done.

It's not easy.

It's like she doesn't trust me. She will.

But only once you've proved yourself.

Do you know what I mean?

Why should she take the risk?

It was in your court, mate.

Right.

Do you know anything about her? Her private life, her past?

Does she ever, you know... Good afternoon, madam.

My name's Detective Constable Holmes.

This is Detective Constable Cipriano.

Does Miss Winnie Carpenter live here?

Yes, dear.

You're speaking to her.

What do you get for murder these days?

Good day.

With extremely extenuating circumstances.

What a good day.

You've seen the show. No, it's not your cup of tea. Ah, the imperil life of

Matthew Robinson.

Have you been talking... Has she been... She's worried you might be committing

all our precious resources to a man who is quite capable of looking after

himself.

Or to coin a phrase...

She thinks you're going bananas.

Oh, yes.

Yeah, it's very funny.

And if I were to tell you that I think she's a couple of bananas short of a

bunch... I would say that you're insulting the senior officer.

I'll take that, thanks.

Matthew Robinson, 1963 to 1998.

Rest in peace.

So where's the agent?

I'd have thought he'd have rushed straight round after this little lob. He

at the office fielding calls.

Did you know they'd set up a phone line for well -wishers?

The public had been just fantastic.

Nearly a thousand messages logged at the last count.

William's been stunning handling that end of things.

Is that

tonight?

Anything more on the case, Mum?

Just checking out my horoscope, actually.

Well, I promised Robinson that one of us will keep an eye on things tonight,

Mum. I hope you haven't.

Why not?

Because I don't want to argue with you, maybe.

Boss, I need you to... No.

I think she lost that one.

You really are pushing your luck, Helen.

What? No -one's turned up yet.

I don't know whether I should move into a hotel. I don't know what to do.

You promised officer.

Sorry, Mr Robinson. I'll come myself if I have to.

You don't have to worry. We're doing all we can.

That's what we're here for.

Beg your pardon?

What do you want?

Knock them dead, sis.

Kelvin, you're in the wrong flat.

So are you, by the looks of it.

Who's died?

I've got a date, if you must know.

You're joking.

Excuse me, I do have a life.

Really?

Don't push it.

OK, so, er, who's the lucky fella?

Well, it's not a date, date.

More like overtime.

Except you won't get paid.

Matthew Robinson.

In your dreams?

Oh, that'll be for me.

That's my doorbell. Yeah, it's for me.

So? I changed my mind.

I thought I could help you. I tried to help you.

For your attitude. I don't believe this.

Who do you think you are?

You deliberately take... Your hand off my shirt. I'm beginning to think you

professional help, mate.

You're the one that needs help, mate. Oi!

Excuse me.

It's all right.

Please.

Don't worry.

It's nothing.

Dead on time.

It's only ten past nine.

George? Sorry, Mum.

That's all right.

George, is it true?

What's that, Mum?

She hasn't really gone to dinner with him, has she?

Has who gone to dinner with who, Mum?

You know very well who I mean.

One that really would... He was lying, George, and I don't think we should

cross.

Do you like her?

Yes, Mum.

Hmm.

Good night.

Blimey, is that spaghetti?

It certainly is.

I like it fresh.

I do and all.

You can get it fresh in packets now. Did you know? From the supermarket.

Well... I don't suppose you go into supermarkets, do you? I do, yes.

Don't you get mobbed?

I get used to it.

And people around here are very good.

They tend to leave you in peace.

I'd have to say hello.

Well, the odd autograph.

Don't it get on your nerves, being on your best behaviour all the time?

I suppose you're standing there, picking your nose.

Is this your son?

Sam.

He's the reason why I do it.

That's nice.

That's only natural, I suppose.

I never had a dad I could be proud of.

Why not?

I never knew my father.

Oh, right.

This is wonderful.

I don't get much of a chance to entertain.

So when I do, I like to push the boat out.

I'd have thought you'd be entertaining all the time.

Does Fran come very much?

No, you know what kids are like.

Always off doing their own thing.

Do you have children?

No. Oh.

Maybe I should have asked if you were married first.

No.

Matthew Robinson.

Is it odd being Matthew Robinson?

I mean, who were you before?

I mean, what did you do? You know, pre -bananas.

Why do you want to know?

Come on.

You invite me round for dinner. Give us a break.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

So, where do you want to start?

I was the lad that was always bullied at school.

Oh, yeah.

And you thought, I'll show them.

I know what you mean.

Hits you going, doesn't it? Yeah.

Funny, really.

And just when you think you've left it all behind.

You know what I think?

What's that?

I think that it seems quite... What's the word?

Solitary sort of life.

What is?

Being Matthew Robinson.

I'd imagined parties, book signings, autograph hunters.

I never thought that at the end of the day you had to come home just like me.

That's right.

Only your house is so much bigger.

What kind of I told you?

How'd you get that?

Bought it.

Oh, yeah?

Do I know you?

Nigel. No, what she means is, do I know you from the neck? No.

Nigel is my mate. Will you not accuse every mate of mine who comes round here?

Maisie Raine home for young delinquents.

I can't believe it. You picked me up on the wrong...

Sorry,

Matthew. I should have stayed for that brandy you offered.

The doorbell rang about 20 minutes after you went.

It was left on the doorstep.

Ah!

Sorry. I can't stand rats.

Yeah. Well, join the club.

Is that it?

Sorry? It's an odd choice of calling card, wouldn't you say?

Up till now, our man's made no bones about his intentions.

What do you mean?

It's a dead rat!

Are you still saying I can't have someone here on the door?

What's that?

Valium. Matthew.

Well, how else am I expected to sleep?

The man you were arguing with when I arrived earlier.

I told you.

It's nothing.

He thinks I had him fired.

It's ridiculous.

It might be too obvious, but it's certainly not ridiculous.

Where does he live?

We do understand, Gordon. You must be bitter.

Why wouldn't you be? I'd be bitter.

The man's got everything.

Money, fame, the power to thack you.

You wanted to get back at him.

I didn't do anything.

You went round to his house.

He phoned me. He asked me to come. Come on.

We haven't talked to him, you know.

You're going to have to do better than that. He asked me to come round.

Listen, why should I want to do anything? I've got another job in the

so I don't give a monkey's. Right, OK.

We'll talk in the morning.

Eh?

Listen,

you say you don't want to see some friends, yeah?

You give her some names, give yourself an alibi, and you're out of here, aren't

you? For new jobs irrelevant, you hate the man. OK. And your only reason for

being in Maida Vale tonight was to carry on your hate campaign against Robinson.

Listen, listen, I admit I despise the man, all right, but I'm not twisted

to leave rat and carrier bags on his doorstep.

Who said anything about carrying bags?

I can't, Jack.

I can't. I've got to go into work in the morning.

I have to go in in the morning too, as it happens.

I'm talking about tomorrow lunchtime.

Oh.

Hold on, I've got another call coming in.

I have, honestly.

Mum? Do you know the time?

Better be good.

No, it's all right. I've got a confession.

Yeah, well, don't get too excited with yourself.

You could deny it all in the morning once you've seen the tape recorder.

It has a very funny effect on people.

Yeah, well done.

Well done, George.

You still awake, Jack?

I'm sorry.

Looks like that round of golf is becoming increasingly impossible.

Right, take a good look, all of you. This is the man we're after.

Now, for years, he's been tormenting the British public with a string of

nauseating quiz shows.

Right, now, we've already established two important things about him. One,

really irritating, he's got no talent, and two, and this one's a real

He seems highly attractive to women of a certain age.

Is that a fact?

Go on.

He's having a bit of a laugh, Mum.

Yes? I'm sorry, Mum.

What for, George?

Having a laugh?

Well, of course, yes.

But even more serious than that.

Oh, dear.

More serious than jeopardising your entire career?

We've had to let Gordon Hastings go, Mum.

I'm not with you.

He denies everything now, is that it?

No, when I jumped the gun.

No.

You seem so confident at five past midnight that you've got a confession.

Well, about the rat, yeah.

But it was just like a one -off because he's got a rat problem at his flat.

And he sort of thought he'd just enter into the spirit of things, you know,

because everyone else was tormenting the guy. But he seems to be quite

unpopular, actually.

Well, now, I'm sorry.

Well, it's nothing personal because, well, I know that you think he's great.

And, well, I'm sure. I never said.

I thought he was great.

So how have you cocked up?

Well, he's got a watertight alibi for all the other incidents.

You sounded so pleased with yourself.

Well, he hosts a quiz night at his local on the other nights in question.

There are like 80 people who can back up his story.

You did jump the gun, didn't you?

Oh, well.

We'll just have to start again then, won't we?

Sorry. Maisie. I can't play golf.

Well, neither can I, but we can try.

No, this case.

The key word is delegate.

There's something not right about this one, sir.

I need some time to think. There's no better place, I can assure you.

Oops. Your turn.

Oh, come on, try again.

I was thinking... Don't think, Maisie, just do it.

That Gordon Hastings, ain't the only crap pot around, you know?

Death threats, slash tyres, violent braking.

All premeditated and planned.

And now a sad little Scott thrown in to try and distract us.

There's something very odd about this case.

The ball, miss.

I can't hit it, Jack.

Well, apparently, it helps if you think of it as someone you really don't like.

Oh, I see.

Right. Yes.

Now you're talking.

Well done, Miss Esco.

Where's the DI?

I don't know, and I don't want to know.

Look at that.

What's that?

They're threatening to ask for bananas.

No.

You don't have to come with me, Jack. You finish the game.

I'm really sorry. I was just getting into it, honest.

But I don't see why you have to go back.

So what's he done now? I don't understand.

He failed to get ten million viewers.

Oh, dear.

It may not seem much to you, but let me tell you, that is a cardinal sin.

He told me over the pasta.

You see, nothing is ever wasted.

You think I'm out enjoying myself, but... Look, if the show faces the axe,

TV company denies it.

Someone obviously has been doing a bit of leaking somewhere.

So?

Excuse me.

George?

George, I want you to do something for me.

I've got a hunch.

You sure you want me?

Excuse me?

I believe you are one of my officers.

Not for long at this rate.

I've suddenly seen a whole new angle on this case.

You know the agent, William Summit?

I want you to talk to him on some pretext or other.

I'm sure you can do that.

You're good at talking, if nothing else.

Well, I'll probably mess it up.

George, why did you join the force?

Well, my uncle... Well, my uncle's a DCI.

Oh.

Oh, really?

What's his name?

He does have a name, does he?

And I always thought he was great.

You know.

And his name is?

George.

George Babiki.

I know you do.

Who's your uncle?

He served with your husband.

He was there at the shooting.

I'm sorry, Mum.

Why didn't you say before?

None of my business, Mum.

My uncle said you don't... I don't.

But... He's a good man, George.

He's still in the force.

So what's happening then?

Nothing.

Why didn't you tell me?

Tell you what?

Maisie, what the hell's happened?

You knew who D .C.

Kipriano's uncle was and you didn't think to tell me.

I'm sorry.

I thought it was an area he didn't want to discuss.

He knows everything about my life.

I feel like I've been pushed into a corner, Jack. What am I going to do?

I don't understand.

Yes.

Right. Yep. I'm on my way.

Notice this car following me.

What type of car?

I'm sure.

It's a dark colour.

A pierre, I think.

The next thing I know, it's trying to force me off the road.

So I swerved. Must control.

Lucky you weren't killed.

Do you think they wanted you dead or just hurt a bit? What?

They forced me off the road.

But did they ram you into the wall or just bump you a bit?

Well, what difference does it make?

Well, I would think they're different sorts of people.

would want different things to happen to you.

You've received death threats.

Were they trying to kill you?

Well, what does it look like?

Anything broken?

Do you still think you'll be able to do the programme?

Well, I'll have to, won't I?

Just that for certain people, whether you do the programme or not would be

important. What do you mean?

You'd better get going.

I'm supposed to be here in a couple of minutes.

He wasn't actually shunted off the road.

How did you get on with the agent?

Can't find him.

What a surprise.

They said he's in top -level meetings with a TV company.

You think it's him?

Nothing in all that fan mail.

No obvious nutters.

Nothing forensics to get off the letters.

What if he started a rumour to get the sympathy vote for his client?

Do you really think he'd go that far?

George, see if there's a tape in there.

How are you?

Busy, sir.

I don't get any rest to die. I'm not fit to be in the job.

No, you know what I mean.

I called your house several times.

There was no answer.

I knew where I was.

It took a while.

Boss, I think he's on next.

Yeah, well, if you need to talk, you know where to find me.

And I'm very pleased to say that joining me today, safe and well, is Matthew

Robinson, the unfortunate victim of an ever -increasing crime in today's

society, stalking.

Calls have already been flooding in on the subject, most of which are to pass

your best wishes to our guest.

Now, he'll be with us all morning, and I'll be talking to him right after this

report from Philippa Cairn.

Shouldn't we at least issue a description of the car?

No, not yet.

How's it going?

I'm getting there.

Here we are, Mum.

According to the time code.

OK, go on.

So that's Robinson's car.

But where's the Sierra?

So, Matthew, how do you deal with knowing there's someone out there

your life?

It's unbelievably frightening.

You end up jumping at your own shadow.

But what's got me through these dark days is the public support.

Their affection has been a tremendous source of comfort to me.

In fact, Martin, it's the reason why I started.

Why I wanted to do this job in the first place.

Having those people out there take you into their hearts.

It's all that matters.

They've been phoning in there, thousands and thousands.

And for a lad who never had a family.

I feel like I'm part of a very big family now.

People have been sending me letters, phoning in, even baking me cakes.

It's been immensely hard. Poor sad man.

So what if this man were watching right now, what would you say to him?

Just, please, think about what you're doing.

Go and see someone. Get help.

You need to get better for all our sakes.

And how's the head now? Not stopping you from working, I hope?

No, no.

Business as usual with Go Bananas.

Don't worry.

I won't let my fans down. I never have and I never will, Martin.

That I can promise you.

Well, Matthew, our thoughts are very much with you.

And now we go from stalking to walking with Jocelyn Meal on another of her

country rambles.

Thanks, Martin.

You really tried to take me for a ride, didn't you?

Excuse me, who are you?

I knew Sam it didn't fit.

Never any witnesses.

Never anyone else involved.

You really let me down. Do you know that? I'm so annoyed with you that you

be so stupid.

Just how far are we going to go with all this, eh?

And why?

One publicity stunt after another.

Just to gain public sympathy.

You strung us all along, didn't you?

I'll call you back.

How unloved can you possibly feel?

If I weren't so angry with you, I'd feel sorry for you.

What were you thinking of?

What about Sam?

Do you know you could go down for wasting police time?

You'll have quite a captive audience in prison.

They just love celebrity guests.

Come on. I got you.

Come on.

Come on. Come on.

I really believed you were the victim of some... Are you sure? We were supposed

to be there half an hour ago. I can't believe you just did that. I'm pathetic.

Jealous of everything you ate.

Why, Matthew?

I think we're back on air.

What? There's no stalker, Matthew.

There never was.

You made the whole thing up.

Well, I've never been in a position quite like this before.

What?

What's happening?

I thought you'd finished.

Well, how about that?

Never a dull day on this programme. That's what live television is all

Now, I don't know if he was actually formally arrested there, but we'll keep

posted.

He's going crazy already.

I'm sorry, Maisie.

You will be.

No, really.

I'm truly sorry.

You had to have the publicity, didn't you?

We've heard it. The show's dead.

Do you think my son would have been watching that?

Hello?

Sam? It's your dad.

He saw it then.

And we were on telly.

Blimey, I hadn't done my hair.

Matthew?

God.

Arrest me.

Please arrest me.

Stop him.

Could it be three months in a very grotty cell?

Or will he go for two years in an open prison?

He's not going to get anything, is he?

He must be finished.

Excuse me, Inspector.

Could I have your autograph?