All language subtitles for Confessions Of A Window Cleaner.en

Hi, I'm Timmy Lee.

It's my first day of cleaning windows.

Ever thought about window cleaners?

They spend their days
looking into hundreds of little boxes,

many of which have got people in.
Sorts of people.

That's me!
What about that physique, eh?

A bit Steve McQueen, isn't it?

No wonder the birds go crazy for me.

Favourite gear
a white nylon T-shirt.

Because when you wet it, you can
press it up against the window.

And then give them a little smile.

Well, nice for the old ones.
Makes all sort of Remembrance Day.

Still, you can't expect to go potty
on your first day, can you?

Cor, cop a load of that, eh?
What a knocker factory!

She's obviously a pushover
for my brand of animal magnetism.

Piss off!

Whoops! Lost my balance.

And my bucket.

Some of the things you see
are quite an education.

I mean, just look at that shower!
But may, they're big for their age.

They're also Mg for my age.

But all this was nothing to what I saw
in a shop down the high street.

It all started with a little bit
of window undressing.

I 'vo heard of your work
gelling on lop of you,

but not you gelling on lop of your work!

What a diabolical way
to start a new career.

Flat on me back,
staring up blokes' trouser legs.

And along comes this bird.

If it hadn't been for her, I might
have jacked it in right away.

Because she awoke in me deep-rooted
feelings of sensilivily and delicacy

I never knew! had.
Never knew I could say.

In fact, one look at Elizabeth
and I fell like a pal! of lead knickers.

She was the type of girl you say,
"Please, may i? before you give her one.

A card, I mean.

Because Sid did promise me a piece of
the action with any new customers. Cori

Wouldn't have minded
a place of her action.

What are you trying to do, ruin me?

One broken window,
one bucketed traffic warden

threatening to sue, and now you
tell me you lost your squeegee.

I must've dropped it under the crowd.
And that’s another thing.

I pay you to clean windows.

If you wanna lie on the floor and look up
skirts, you do it in your own time, right?

But I told you, it was shock. They
were having it off in the window.

So? Have you got
a sax hang-up or something?

Ho, but I thought
she had three legs.

Look, Timmy boy, in our business
you've got to be immune from shocks,

especially from birds,
three-legged or one-legged.

As long as they are
satisfied customers...

they bring in new ones.

Hey, I met a real
knockout this morning.

Fabulous face, fantastic body,
legs right up to her armpits.

- What about her windows?
- Windows?

Oh, I gave her a card.

It’s no good
just chatting up dolly birds.

You've gotta grease the old hags too.

It’s not all Raquel Welch pulling
you onto her dumplings, you know.

Christ, what also did you do?

Hello. As we were passing, I just thought
I'd stop and see if you were all right.

These falls can sometimes
have delayed affects.

Oh, yes. I mean, no!

Thank you, I'm all right.

Fina. Well, I have to get back
on patrol now. Good night.

What's all that, then?
It was her.

Who?
The bird, I told you.

Have you gone stark raving bonkers,
trying to chat up female fuzz?

I didn't know who she was.

But I don't care, Sid.
Oh, isn't she a knockout?

Oh, yeah, you picked
the right word, boy.

What I wouldn't do for her.

Well, I'm more worried about what
you wouldn't do for my customers.

What do you mean, eh?

I mean, I've got to he sure, if some
bird offers to squeeze out your chamole,

you don't go retracting your ladder!

Christ, anyone would think
I was a bloody virgin.

I do. And so does Rosie.

What does she know, eh?

Sisters always know.

- I don't know what you're on about.
- Responsibilities, that’s what.

You taking over some of mine.

I mean, with Rosie pregnant, I feel it’s
only proper I should cut it out for a while.

Window cleaning?

Not cleaning, you hark!

Servicing, keeping the customers happy.

Oh. Anything I can do, Sid?

Yeah, well, that’s what worry me.
Can you do?

Oh, come off it, Sidi

Never mind 'Come off it.'
Have you ever been on it?

Of course I have!

Yeah? I don't reckon you
could dip your tassel

in a fire bucket without instructions.

Vary funny, Sid.

All right, Timmo.

After dinner,
you and me are going out.

What for?

To get a professional opinion.

Mind you, I didn't like
it to admit it, but Sid was right.

My sex wife held as much sensation
as a concrete contraceptive.

In fact, I could describe myself as
the walking answer to contraception.

I don't do it!

With me, it’s more a can of good
kiss, good fool and good night.

Now I will say! Sid.

I mean, he really deserved
the Queen's Award for industry.

Oh, God. I don't know why your old man
works in the lost property off too.

Might just as well move
the whole lot here!

Dad's working on it.

I wouldn't mind if he nicked
something worthwhile.

- That you, boys?
- Yes, Mum.

- How did it all go, dear?
- Oh, fina, Mum.

You could say it was a great day in the
history of British window cleaning.

Oh, that’s nice. Rosie could
hardly wait for you to get hack.

Oh, that’s nice too.

Yeah, she's been dreaming about
that chocolate fudge all day.

Oh, Sidney,
you didn't forget it?

She told you she'd got a
craving for chocolate fudge.

Yeah, well, I know.
I'm sorry. I forgot.

Sidney!
Hera, love!

Eh! And how's little
earth mother tonight, eh?

I'm starving.
He forgot it.

You didn't.

Sorry, love, it slipped me mind. I'll go
after dinner. The nawngant stocks it.

One little thing. I ask you
to do one little thing

I'm sorry, Rosie, love. It’s not
the end of the world. I'll go now.

I don't want it now!

All right, I won't go
And got it now!

Rosie, all I want to do
is make you happy.

Than pie off.
Rosie

Yes, uh... Well, I think I'll have a wash
before the thieving magpie gets home.

Timmy, I won't have you
talking Like that.

Your father never takes
anything that anyone wants.

Not even us.

It’s time I forked the potatoes.

Rosie, love, I said I was sorry,

but with Timmy and everything,
I had a lot on my mind today.

Oh, I'll but and not
only on your mind.

Don't he like that.

My friends get
around too, you know.

They saw a lot of your ladder,
but not so much of you.

Rosie, sometimes
I've got to he sociable.

You don't think I Like drinking
all them cups of tea, do you?

It's part of holding up
the business, Rosie.

I'm doing it all for you, love.

Oh, all right. I'll forgive you.

That's a girl.

But watch it...

because, Sidney Noggett...

one extramarital...

and I'll cut it off.

Don't answer it.

They've probably
come about the tally.

Isn't it working?

Dad won't pay the instalments.
He can't got colour.

I keep telling him
It's a black-and-white set!

It is Dad.

So, what's the matter
with his key?

He’s got his arms full.

Oh, God. More colourful crap.

Hera!

Harpoon it yourself, did you?

Ha, bloody ha.

Oh, God.

It was left on the Pullman Express.
Look nice over the fire, won't it?

Look better on it.
Who asked for your opinion?

Now, don't you two start.

Hang on! I've got some rights here!
As a regular rant-payer.

Rent? it don't even pay
our window cleaner.

Give over, Dad. Sid’s told you
why he doesn't do our windows.

Right. It’s had to bring your work home.
It only causes trouble.

You can't clean your own, Like a
psychiatrist never treats his own family

I don't interfere in your business,

so don't try to tell me
what to do with my moon.

Oh, come on, Dad.
I was only kidding.

I think he’s great.
Do you?

Sure. We'll call him Clearance.

Clearance?

Good evening, Clearance.
What do you think of Dad?

- 'I think he’s a stupid old git.' You think
- he’s a stupid old git? That's funny...

Well, I still think you're nothing
but a no-good spongar.

Now, Your dad didn't mean it.
Say you're sorry, Dad.

All right. I'm sorry.

He eh!
He’s sorry, Rush.

It’s not him

- Well, I told I was sorry.
- It’s not you!

Well, what is it, dear?

That bloody thing is leering at me!

Don't do that!
You'll break his antlers!

Yes, but what's this
'professional opinion' bit?

You're not taking me
to the doctor, are you?

Lil's not a doctor,
but she's certainly a specialist.

Who's Lil?

My vary obliging second-removed
cousin, Lily Lamour.

The biggest sensation since natural gas.

I can't get it on right.

What's it like tonight?

Four men and a dog. Ouch!

Hope nobody’s decent!
Evening, pussycats

Hello, darling.
How are you?

Good show tonight, girls.
Hello, love, how are you? Hi, Lil.

And to what do we owe
this royal visit?

I need help, Lil.

What? Have you
worn it out?

No, not me.

This is for the family. I'd Like you
to meet my brother-in-law Timmy.

Please, Sid...

HI, Timmy.
HI.

Baby dolls, please. Baby dolls.

So, what's the problem?

Well, there's been a slight gap
in Timmy’s education.

Yes, but I don't want
to fill it here.

You're not hunt, are you?

Of course I'm not bent.

Between you and me, he’s still
got a blue how tied to it!

Ha, ha, now?
Please, Sid...

Well, drink up
and talk Lil all about it.

Oh, Lil, Lil.
You're a doll.

And you're a bastard.

Sid, where are you going?
Sid, where are you going?

To get some chocolate fudge.

Relax, Timmy.
I won't bite. Relax!

I can't relax.
They'll be back in a minute.

Not as long as that music's playing.

Ooh!
Is my hand cold?

Uh, no, it was just that you... Aahi

Well, hello.

You've left me.

Oh, I'm... I'm sorry.

You got overexcited.

Yes, yes,
that’s what it was, yes.

We're not doing too well,
are we?

No.

Would it help if I wore
the lion tamer’s gear?

No. I don't know
what's come over me.

Well, it isn't me.

Now, that’s better.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Ohh... I

Oh, that was terrific.
That was absolutely terrific.

I'm glad, Timmy. But there's
something you ought to know.

Yes?

I mean, I don't want you to go
through life with a fetish.

What do you mean?

You've just had
my suspender beit.

Another night of mad,
passionate failure.

Eh that and the fetish bit.

I mean, imagine having to say
to a bird, "Sorry, love,

I can only get it together if you wear
gum boots and a gas mask.

And also, would you mind terribly
If I had a feather up me ass?

I never thought of myself
as being unnatural.

Bloody unlucky, yes, but not unnatural.

"Timothy gets terribly confused
when it comes to sex."

Here’s a list of today's jobs. I'm
starting you off with another chance.

Not with Lil?

Huh! You won't be saing Lil
again, not if she knows you first.

Mrs. Jacqueline Brown.
Oh, 47 Lyndhurst.

Right, Bluabaard.
She's a bit of a nympho.

And if you fall there, you may
as well buy a bacon slicer

and join the Vienna Boys' Choir.

Come on, son, get it off.
Here, come on.

Sid.
Morning, Jacqul.

You're early.

Sorry, love. Had to
rearrange the schedule.

At least you'll get
done before the rain.

Oh, I'm breaking in
some new help.

Since when did you need help?

Well, you know how things are.
You gotta expand.

And is this the expansion?

Yeah. My new mate Timmy.
Nice to meet you, Timmy.

Me too.
He hasn't had much experience yet.

But I'm sort of letting
him feel his way around

with a few understanding customers.

You were always thoughtful, Sid.

Yeah. Well, I'll leave
him to get on with it, then.

Won't I be saing you again?

Oh, sure. I'll be in
and out, now and then.

Good job, now, Timmo.

- Right?
- Right.

You won't be needing that inside.
The rooms are quite small.

Oh, yes, of course.
Sorry, madam.

Oh, it’s so humid today.
Aren't you hot?

You, you are.
You're sweating.

Yes, I am a bit, yes.

How about a cold drink?
Some tea or coffee?

Oh, I'm easy.

I wouldn't have thought so.

Uh... Well, a Coke
would he fine, yes.

One Coke coming up.

Yes, well, I think
I'd better get started.

What's the rush?

Are you aiming to be the fastest
window cleaner in the West?

No. I just thought...

Look, just sit down
and have your drink first.

Oh, right.

I hope you're not in such
a hurry about everything.

I won't join you. I have
to watch my figure.

You must have plenty of company.

Oh, I see you're another Sid.

Oh, no, not quite.

- Are you married?
- Oh, you're joking.

You?

He’s abroad with the services.

Oh, what's be in?

Anything that moves.

No, I'm being unkind. He’s in the
navy, so you can't blame him.

Or us.

Oh, God, quick, the window!
There's one over the sink.

Right.

Don't worry,
we'll soon clear up... Oh!

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm
afraid I've made a man.

Already?

No, you ass,
I've upset the... Oh!

Well, Jacqui had certainly
taught me how to come clean.

Now I know what they mean
by the ultimate detergent.

Talk about soft hands
and forever blowing bubbles!

Taught me something else too:
it's just like learning to ride a bike.

Once you find you can stay up,
there's no problem.

In fact, right there and then, I could fire
won the “Tour do France”, ladder and all.

- Hello.
- Oh, hi.

Hard at it?
Yeah, on and off, yes.

You better pull over.
Oh, right.

Sorry, mate.

Oh, God.

What the bloody hall
do you think you're doing?

Complete accident, sir.

Well, I shall want your name and address.

Fair enough, yes.

Uh, I clean them too.

Please, you must move
out of the road.

Oh, right.

Are you all right, sir?
No thanks to him.

Sorry about that.

I'm afraid I shall have
to take a law particulars.

Fabulous.
Name?

Timmy.
Timmy what?

Lea. And yours?

I mean, I can't go through life
calling you WPC 49, can i?

Radlatt. Elizabeth Radlatt.
Address?

Scruggs Lana, 63.

Uh... will you come
to the movies tonight?

Are you trying to bribe me?

Yes.

Then I accept.

Yahoo!

What a day!

With this kind of luck, I could even
sell return tickets to kamikaze pilots.

I could hardly wait for my next client,
Miss Prendergast.

A new customer,
so Sid said to take it easy.

- Now?
- Now.

Oh, thank you. It's the mattress
that makes it so heavy.

Be even heavier
If we were on it.

Now I can finish my
housework before I go out.

I'm afraid my daily’s
gone off with a hernia.

Ah, well, my auntie want off
with a Lithuanian.

Oh, no.
I've dropped my leather.

Do you know who you remind me of?
Humphrey Bogart.

Oh, you're taking the mickey.

No, it’s your body.

You haven't seen my body.

I mean the way you walk.

You mean the way he held Lauren
Bacall in to Have and to Have Not?

'If you want anything, whistle.'

You can fill your bucket in there.

Yes, ma'am.

You a movie fan, then?
I see all the old stuff on the tally.

Well, I go as much as possible
when I'm not teaching.

Get away. What do you teach?

Biology

Ooh! Wish I was in your class.

You don't have to be gallant.
I wouldn't say it unless I meant it.

In fact, you remind me
a bit of Marilyn Monroe.

In these glasses?
Now you're taking the mickey.

Ho, really. In that film
where she was short-sighted.

How to Marry a Millionaire.
Yeah.

I find you very attractive,
Miss Prandargast,

and I wanna kiss you.
Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate.

It was Mrs. Robinson.

So?

I don't know how to put this. I mean,
I'm rather shy and I hardly know you.

Don't worry, love,
I'm way ahead of you.

Would you know if you can fix
the flush in the bathroom?

The flush?

I'd hate you to think
I was taking advantage,

but sometimes it works
and sometimes it doesn't.

- Oh... Yeah.
- Thank you.

I'll have go.

Meanwhile, if you don't mind,
I'll go and get ready.

Well, this was a puzzler
and no mistake.

Get ready for what?

I'd feel such a bark
bursting in Markers,

only to find her
dressed to go shopping.

I was getting confused again.

Birds unfunny things, you know.

One minute they give you
the "No, no, you mustn't" bit.

Then suddenly it's
"Yes, you must, you randy bugger."

Should be all right now.
I, uh...

Uh... Had to adjust
the ballcock.

I wish I was clever with my hands.

But you could be if you tried.

No, no, you mustn't.
It’s wicked.

Oh, that’s not what Lauren Bacall said.

I want to kiss these beautiful breasts.

That's Clark Gable in Rod Dust.
He never need that.

Because Jean Harlow’s weren't
as beautiful as yours.

You can't stay long, you know.
Her father comes home for lunch.

Then the quicker we reach
the Alamo, the better!

John Wayne.

True Grit.

He’s getting naughty now.

Naughty and impatient.

What's?
Oh!

Scissors. Scissors.
Have you got any scissors?

It’s all right. I've done it.

Oh, good.

Right, let’s take it off.

No, she doesn't want to.
She's shy.

Under here. It’s Nicer.
Oh. Right.

No, no, he’s got to say
hello to her first.

Oh.

Hello. Hello.

Oh, yes, oh, she Likes that.

Is he enjoying it too?

Mmm. Talk to her.
Talk to her.

He need
he can't Wait any longer.

Carola?

You upstairs?

Just finishing the carpet.
Be right with you.

I'll come and help.

Where are my knickers?

Sod your knickers.
Stop him coming up.

My leather?

Hello. They let me off early. Oh.

- Morning.
- Morning.

Well, that’s it, then. Don't worry about
the payment. We'll and an account.

Thank you.

Extraordinary way to clean windows.

Oh, he'll come hack
and do the rut later.

No, I mean he was cleaning
them with knickers.

Knickers?

How's that?

Bloody marvellous.

Bloody horrible. I just hope it
doesn't affect the baby, that's all.

Evening, all.

There! I didn't forget
this time, did i?

Oh, you are good to me.
But I need pineapple.

Pineapple?

Never mind.
It’s the thought that counts.

Rosie, you distinctly said...

- It's not in the centre.
- Yes, it is.

Oh, God.

You know what you can do, don't you?

Sid, can I ask a favour?

It depends.
Here, how did it go today?

Oh, you would have been
proud of me, Sid.

- Can I borrow the minivan tonight?
- What for?

- I've got a very special date.
- Not with one of my customers?

Of course not.

Because that would be highly unethical.

Are window cleaners struck off?

You ass,
she's off duty tonight and...

Hang on. Off duty? You
mean Fanny the Fuzz?

Her name is Elizabeth.

I don't care if it’s Sherlock Holmes.

You can't bring her back here.

- Why not? She's a nice girl.
- Nice girl?! She's a copper!

Thus do I see why I can't bring her back.

Because most of this let's
probably on her list, that’s why.

Now what are we fighting about?

Timmy’s got himself involved with the law.

- Timmy, what have you done?
- Nothing, Mum.

Just because I've got a date with a
girl that happens to be a policewoman.

Policewoman? Oh...

She's a smashing bird, Mum.
Intelligent, well-spoken.

Oh, yeah. She's passed all
her cross-examinations.

You can all relax,
because I'm not bringing her back.

Oh, I think that’s wise, dear.
We don't want to refurnish.

Oh, and I won't be in for grub.
All right.

Take your bucket, then.
It shouldn't be in here.

Hello, what's this?

Well, from memory, I'd say
they were a pair of knickers.

- They're for his collection.
- Collection?

Didn't you know your son's the demon
knicker nicker of Scruggs Lane?

Why don't you halt up.

It’s not true.
Timmy?

Of course it’s not.
He’s having you on.

All right, it' you're all so
Interested, uh... I bought them.

You bought knickers?

He’s dead kinky too.

Disgusting.
Go on.

Drop your trousers. Show
them what you're wearing.

I bought them for a girlfriend.

Is it a crime to he found
with a pair of knickers?

Not if you're a window cleaner.

And what is that supposed to mean?

Well, if the cap fits...

Quick, ambulance!
It's coming!

Wind.

Oh, sorry, I was trying
to look for the, um...

Oh! Timmyl

Sorry, just dropped a bit of popcorn.

You won't find it up there.

Behave yourself.

I'm gonna have to put you in handcuffs.

I don't know.
You can't win, can you?

You make s pass, it's wrong. You don't
make s pass, you've insulted them.

Who’s him?

You wouldn't Like to think
I didn't fancy you, would you?

No, I'm glad you do. It’s just that
there's a proper time and a proper place.

Yeah, but what happens when you've got
the time but can't afford the place?

Oh, Timmy.

It’s not a question of money. It’s
just getting to know each other.

That's what I was trying to do.

You're sweet.
But you're impossible.

That's what Sid says.
Impossible, I mean.

And you're too good for that sort of job.

What's wrong with cleaning windows?

Nothing, but you should be doing
something a little more...

A little more rewarding.

Such as?

Well, you'd, uh, make a good policeman.

It' you thought about it seriously.

What's so funny?

The family. If I told them I was gonna
be a copper, they'd go berserk!

What's wrong with being a copper?

Nothing. It’s all right
for some, I suppose.

If you're the officious type.

Oh, well, thanks a lot.

Oh, I didn't... I didn't mean you.

I think it’s time I want home now, anyway.

Liz, Liz

You don't have to drive me.
I can get a cab.

Of course I'll drive you.

Liz, Liz

Excuse me, sir.
£1, please.

Oh, yes.
Liz, Wait a minute

Excuse me, sir.
Pick it up, please.

Without service.

Thank you.

I've enjoyed it, Timmy.
Really, I have.

Trust me to put my big flat foot in it.

Oh, I didn't mean your kind...

I know what you meant.

Like to come in for a good-nighter?

Would i? Oh, yes!

How many of you live here?
Just me and my parents.

Early-to-bedders, eh?

No, they're out at one of Daddy's dinners.

What does your, uh,
dad do, then?

He’s an inspector.

- Income tax?
- Police.

He’s not that frightening.

Well, won't he mind me being here, then?

Why should be? Any more than
your parents would object to me.

So you see, Timmy, if ever you did decide
to change jobs, I might be able to help.

Timmy, I'm talking to you.

Liz.

Handcuffs.

I'm extremely glad to be hack.
Oh, it wasn't so bad, dear.

It’s all right.
Don't panic.

- Are you in, Elizabeth?
- Yes, Mummy.

Oh, I didn't know you had company.

Mummy, this is Timmy.

Oh, how nice.
Pleased to meet you, Mrs. Radlett.

How long has that van been outside?

Oh, it’s mine, sir.

- Oh, is it?
- Yes, sir.

Well, the tyres are worn.
It really shouldn't be on the road at all.

I'm sorry, sir.

- Have you been in a fight?
- No, sir.

Why’s your mouth bleeding?

How was the dinner, Daddy?

Absolutely dreadful.

The chief constable
has got verbal diarrhoea.

I need a brandy.

How about Mr...?

No, thanks.
I have to be going.

Timmy just dropped me
home from the movies.

How Nice.

I take it you're conversant
with the tyre test.

Tyre test?

Yes. You, uh...

put a coin... in the tread...

and if it falls out, the tyre’s illegal.

Oh, I'll do that, sir.

Good. And I should put some Dettol
on your mouth if I were you.

Oh, yes, I'll do that too, sir.
Good night, ma'am.

Oh, yes, well, good night.

So Nice.

- He's lying, of course.
- Lying?

Oh, yes.

You can't got all that blood round your
mouth unless you've been in a fight.

It wasn't blood, John.
It was lipstick.

Lipstick? Oh, Christ,
is he one of those?

I take it you're also conversant
with the cost of four bloody tyros.

Only you could screw your
way into a fuzz nut!

How was I to know
about her old man?

You better pull your finger out and get
some new clients to pay for this lot!

And I don't mean Scotland
Yard, the Old Bailey or Hi5!

What Sid didn't know was the only thing I'd
screwed out of Elizabeth was another date.

As for the job, well, it was a relief
to find that some people

only expected the window
cleaner to clean windows.

Although there was never
a dull moment,

and mostly it was a good,
healthy outdoor life

there were times I fell
the job was gelling on top of me.

One marshmallow for you,
for being a good boy,

and one for me,
for being a good customer.

What's the matter?

Nothing. Circulation
will come back.

But I have been a good customer,
though, haven't i, Tim?

I mean, who also gives you
a two-year contract?

No one.
Well, then, act grateful.

I did.
That was 10 minute ago!

Oh! Wait, I've got
to finish this first.

Oh, excuses, excuses.

- You sound like my late husband.
- Didn't know he was dead.

Well, he is.
From the waist down.

Wait, Wait. He won't
suddenly hurty in, will he?

Oh, not until the batting shop closes.

Then all he'll want is
more money, the bastard.

Not there!
Brenda?

Go away!
I'm resting.

It’s important, Brenda!

Not there! The rug.

The rug?

Look, you're wasting your time.
I don't have any money.

Oh, with you looking like that,
Brenda, who needs money?

Oh, you? And what do
you think you're going to do?

You, Brenda, you.

Well, you've got another think coming.
And get off me marshmallows.

Oh, now, Brenda, you know
how I feel about you.

Oh, yes, with your clammy hands.

Look, I'm warning you!
Oh, come on, Bran.

Right! You asked for this.

How would you like to meet my husband?

Well... What...

All right. You can come out now.

Come out?

He hasn't gone for a gun, has he?

Brenda, for God's sake!

You thought that he was my husband!

What?
And he thought that you were.

- You mean he wasn't your husband?
- He was the landlord.

That's the way he likes his rant.

You wicked cowl

Sid had warned me about
the next call, Villiers House.

"Hygiene-mad, he said." Wipe
your feet, newspapers on the carpet.

And you even have to wash your
hands before you touch the soap!

In fact, Sid said, "Better be safe."

"Don't touch anything,
and certainly not Mrs. Villiers."

Because her old man owned
this block of flats we serviced.

Hello. Uh, window cleaner.

- Please?
- Uh, windows.

Ah, Mrs. Villiers instruct me
to let you do it.

Did she, now?

- You start up or down, please?
- Oh, that’s up to Mrs. Villiers.

Oh, is no matter.
She isn't home.

Oh. Well, I think I'd like to start
at the top and work my way down.

Top. Okay.

Cor!

This is top.
No shoes here.

- You're kidding.
- No. It is so there is no dirt for feet.

And Mrs. Villiers say
to use newspapers.

She sounds like a right king to me.

Here, what about that mirror?

Ah. Mrs. Villiers likes to see everything.

- Oh, you mean it’s a two-way?
- Please?

A two-way mirror.

You know, one way you look in,
the other way you look out?

Oh, I am sorry.
My english.

Ah. Well, say you and
me were having it...

Better not say that.

Suppose you was Mug and...

I'll start the windows.

Okay.
Eh... A moment.

- Is good?
- Oh, very good.

Good. Also, she say to cover hooks.

I should've worn gloves for this job.

Mrs. Villiers like everything very clean.

Hey, she is kinky. Look at this.
Body Discipline.

It’s whips and things, isn't it?

No, is yoga.
She is big yoga-doer.

Naked Yoga.
Naked yoga!

Is better with free body.

You mean you do this?
Of course.

'The toe-hold lotus posture.'
She must be on hinges to do that.

After practice, is not difficult.
You sit, I show.

Oh, sit.

So...

you do so.

So.

Come.

- Me?
- Sit!

Now so.

And so.

You try again.

Try again? I can't move.

I got rigor mortise.

That's because you are
not yet circulating.

Look, I think I should go
and circulate these windows.

Ah, but first, we must uncramp you.

Mrs. Villiers wlll not like
if you fall off ladder.

Yeah, well, the idea doesn't
grab me much either.

So...

This is for
circulating your head.

You're having me on!

Even you can't do that.

Without clothes, of course.
Oh!

So is good.
Is releasing all tension.

You speak for yourself.

Makes blood to the head.
It’s the beet cure. Come on.

Watch it! I had a little
bit of zip trouble yesterday.

Okay. You do it.

Right. Don't blame me if this
gets bigger than both of us.

Maybe this is euler for you.

Uh, couldn't we just lie
on the bed and meditate?

The bed!
Is good idea.

Like so. And I hold your legs up. Oh, come.
You're spoilt by clothes.

Yes, well, I'd rather be spoilt
than do myself an injury.

Right.

Hope I'm not sick on her carpet.

Very quiet. Balance.

- Concentrate.
- I am!

I count three and I let go.
One, two...

How dare you?

OW! Oh...

- Um, I was just...
- Get off my bed at once!

- And you, get out.
- Yes, ma'am. Sorry, ma'am, I was...

She was only relieving my tensions.

- Out!
- Out. Yeah.

- I'll speak to you later, ingrid.
- Yes, madam.

- I forgot me ladder.
- I said, get out.

But my ladder...

You don't get out of this house,
I shall call the police.

- Out of this house.
- Yes, ma'am.

And put a clean cover
on my bed immediately.

Immediately!

You come back here, no ladder,
no bucket, no shoes and socks,

and you tell me
It’s because you've got cramp?

What are you, some sort
of congenial idiot or something?

It was this naked yoga, Sid.

You realise old man Villiers will probably
cancel our whole office contract.

I'm sure if you apologised...

Me?! Was I standing on my
head half-knackars naked?!

I was wearing my shorts!

I don't care if you was wearing a frog suit

No, I meant apologise for me, Sid.

I mean, when it comes to charm chat,
no one’s more experienced than you.

Well, I suppose, if you look at it
that way. Right.

I need my bloody head examined.
Come on.

Oh, could we stop off
and get me some shoes first?

Oh, no.

What are you standing there for?
Come on!

Ah, Mrs. Villiers.

I've come round here in person to
apologise for the inexcusable behavior...

of my young brothar-in-law here.

Basically, he’s a good boy.
Honest, kind to animals.

And his parents. But emotionally,
he’s a shade retarded.

However, I feel sure that
someone of your warmth,

your intuitive grasp of the situation...

facing young People today,

will have no difficulty in deciding...

that this was just a childish escapade.

- Have you finished, Mr. Noggett?
- I have indeed, Mrs. Villiers.

And what have you got to say?

Oh, I agree.

Oh, I mean,
I'll do anything to make up for it.

Then the incident is closed. And
you may proceed with the windows.

- Thank you, Mr. Noggett.
- Thank you, Mrs. Villiers.

Leave these things out there. You can come
In and fix up a light bulb for me first.

A light bulb?
Oh, yes, of course.

And wipe your feat.
Then come into the house.

There's a broken one
down in the cellar.

Right.

Oh, it’s the coal cellar.

The light’s up there
on the left-hand wall.

Ah. I need something
to stand on.

Must say, I never thought
of you in a coal cellar.

And how did you think of me?

Well, you like everything
so clean, don't you?

Oh, ta.

You have a firm young body.

Oh, no. The... The top’s
come off. Look.

Oh, I'm... I'm sorry.
It sort of came off in my hand.

You're just a dirty little boy,
aren't you?

Don't worry.
It’s only coal.

Look. Here.
Let me put it on for you.

Stay where you are.
You're filthy.

Oh, it'll seems off?

You're not going to walk
through my house Like that.

Oh, of course not.
I'll take my shoes off.

- You'll take your clothes off.
- Pardon?

Every stitch. Off.

Then we'll give you a bath.

Oh, now, Wait a minute.
All I need is a tap.

There must be one in the garden.

I hope you're not going
to cause more trouble.

No, of course not.

All I'm saying is, if we put
newspapers on the carpet...

Ara you refusing to take a bath?

Yes! i... No.

I'll take one when I get home.

Very well. If you're going
to behave Like a child...

We'll just have to treat you Like one.

Eh... What are you doing?
I'm undressing you.

No, you're not.
Get off!

I bring thee presents from the
mystical shores of a distant land.

Are you smashed again?
Oh, Rosie

That's not nice, when he’s
remembered your pineapple.

Thanks, Mum.
Timmy back yet?

He’s up having a bath.
Give you a kiss, then.

That's better, eh?
Come on.

Mmm, you small good.
What is it?

'From the
mystical shores of a distant land.'

- What's all this, then?
- All what?

The gear.
We’re going to a party or something?

Ho, it's just Nice
to dress up now and then.

Wait a minute.

- What day is it?
- Wednesday. Why?

- He’s been, then, has he?
- Who, dear?

The window cleaner, that's who! So
that's why you're all puffed up, is it?

I don't know what you're on about.

There's nothing wrong with
window cleaners. You keep telling me.

All rightl All right. But I know that
randy bastard that does this street!

Really, Sidney.
If you're inferring...

Oh. That'll be Dad
with another armful.

It’s not Dad. It’s the law.
Oh, my God. Now what?

Ho, relax. It's only
Timmy’s bluebird.

Hello. Uh, sorry
you had to Wait.

Sorry to call unannounced.
Is Timmy in?

He’s having a bath.

I can't ask you in. The place
has just been fumigated.

- Fumigatad?
- Yeah. Had a plague of flying ants.

Oh, how awful.
Can I Give him a message?

We had a data tonight, but as you
can know, I had to go on duty.

Okay, I'll tell him.
I'll know him tomorrow.

Lucky old him.

You don't remember me, do you?
I used to clean your school windows.

As a matter of fact, I do remember,
but I didn't think you did.

Well, I didn't till just now.
It’s the way you need 'How awful.'

How awful. Oh... I haven't changed
much since school, have i?

Oh, I don't know.
Well, good luck with the flying ants.

- Timmo?
- What?

- Got a message for you.
- A message?

Christ. You got blackwatar favor
or something?

Have you ever been interfered
with in a coal cellar?

- Interfered with?
- Mrs. Villiers.

I don't think it’s funny.

I'm sorry...

What's the message?
What's the message?

Tonight's date’s tomorrow. Your
copper knickers is on duty.

Just as well. Give you time to
get the coal out your Y-fronts

Liz. Liz

Bloody fool! Why don't
you look whore you're going?

I'm terribly sorry.
I was just...

Never mind about that.
Come out of the way.

I'm glad I found you.
I don't think he was.

Sid gave me your message. Tomorrow's fine.
Where shall we go?

- Do you like spaghetti?
- Yeah.

I'll cook you some.

What, at your place?

The family's dining out in the country.

Oh, Liz!

Timmy I'm on duty.

I don't care, Liz. I just don't care.
I've just got to kiss you.

Timmy, control yourself.

Message to all units.

Disturbance outside discotheque,
23 King Street.

Repeat, discotheque, 23 King Street.
Message ends.

Forty-nine proceeding
to King Street.

Spaghetti belegnes at her place.
Parents in Cewsville.

Curl What a turn-up.

All next day, I kept thinking
of the evening to come.

At least she was showing signs of
succumbing to my irresistible magnetism.

I mean, faced with my suave, debonair
charm, what chance did she stand?

Who is it?

Oh, it’s Noggett’s Window
Cleaning. Good morning.

Hello, I'm sorry, it’s me again.
Uh, will I need my ladder?

No.

Oh, ta.

Hello, me again. Could you press
the knob for me again?

No, it’s not Sid. I'm
Timmy, his brother-in-law.

Better identify myself.
Can't be too careful his days, can you?

Uh, where can I get
my water? Oh, right.

Cosy little pad you've got here.

Oh, God! Sorry about that.
I'll get another one.

Uh... Look me...

I know it's none of my business,
but if there's anything I can do...

Don't touch me!

Okay. I just thought I might help.

How could you help?

Well, I don't know
what it is, do i?

Have you ever been in love?

Is that all? I thought
it was something serious.

Serious? I've given four
years of my life to Ronnie.

I've made a home, cooked, cleaned, scrubbed.
And all for what?

So some bleached hitch...
Of course it’s serious.

I... I wouldn't get in an uproar, girl.
I mean, these things happen.

Ronnie's a bastard.

Yeah, well, it’s probably a touch
of the old four-year itch.

He needs shaking up,
a hit of his own madicine.

What do you mean?

Well, Ronnie's made
you jealous, right?

You return the compliment.

Do you really think it would work?

It’s worth a try.
Nothing to lose, have you?

It’s Ronnie.
I'd better get on with the windows.

I'm going to take your advice.

Good for you.

Hey, that’s terrific.
It’s a bed.

Get in it.

Pardon?

I thought you offered to help me.

Ya... Yes, I did.

Ron won't like it if I'm in bed with you.

It’s your ideal

Oh, God!

Come on, quickly, get undressed!

Yes, yes, all right.

Cor! Yes.

There we go.

Ooh! What's the matt ...?
Ow What's the matter?

We're only simulating.

Oh. Oh, sorry, miss.
Sorry.

Elvie

Oh, hello, Ronnie.

Elvie, Elvie. how could you do this to me?
And with a man!

I can explain, madam.
Get out! You male chauvinist pig

Look, I can explain everything!

Uh, hello, Mum? Look, I've,
run into a slight problem.

Do you know
where I can find Sid?

What's he doing in hospital?

Hello, Smiler.

Hello, Smiler. Listen to him. Hey,
how long before he can say Dada?

We've dacided not to tell him who
you are until he’s stronger.

Full of wit today, aren't we, eh?
He’s got my eyes, you know.

As long as it’s only your
eyes, he’s all right.

Who's a beautiful
little diddums?

Eh, diddums?

Oh, sorry.

Hello, Rosie, congratulations.
You too, Sid.

Nine pounds, ten ounces.
Mu!

It’s Nice of you to come, Timmy.

I bought them for you.

Oh, look, Sidney.
Weren't they lovely?

Here, what's the matter with your eye?

Oh, nothing.
Uh, hanged it on a wall.

Give them to the nurse, Sidney.
She'll put them in water.

She'll have to put them
In splints.

Isn't he great?
Looks just Like Sid.

I hope not.
That's not our baby.

Well, back to the old treadmill, love.

Timmo can Wait for a while.
Mum's coming in after lunch.

I'll see you later, then. Sober.

Oh, she's full
of quips today, eh?

Hey, and for God's sake,
don't let him hold the baby.

It’s odds-on, he'll drop him.

Ta-ra, Noggett Junior. Ta-ra.
Ta-ra, love.

Isn't he fantastic?

I mean, I just thought of you
as a great big lump.

Oh, charming.
No, no...

Ho, what I meant is that I never
thought about the baby being inside.

It’s amazing.

Wait until you have
one of your own.

Yeah. I might, mightn't i?

Oh! That was fantastic.

More?
Oh, you're joking.

I feel like Rosie did.

Well, so long as it’s
only the spaghetti.

We don't want you
making medical history.

- Do you know something, Liz?
- What?

I think you're the most
smashing bird I've ever met.

I don't exactly find you
repulsive either.

When you're not trying
to emulate Sid.

Oh, Sid’s all right
once you get to know him.

- I do know him.
- What?

- Met him when I was at school.
- You never told me.

I didn't think it was that important.

- Did you ...?
- No, I didn't.

- You fancied him?
- I want out with him once.

He lost, three falls out of three.

You don't know
how glad I am, Liz.

- Do you Like television?
- Television?

There's a great Charlie
Snowgardan concert on.

Oh, that’s nice.

Unfortunately, the at down hero's broken.
Do you mind going upstairs?

Upstairs?

You. My mum and dad have got a
at the bottom of thair bed.

Charlie Snow... Charlie Snowgardan?
That's terrific

Only if you like his music, though.

Love it. Especially when
It's upstairs.

- No!
- Why not?

Because I can't concentrate.

Hello? Oh, hello, Mummy.
No, I was just watching the tally.

Yes? Oh, poor you.

So that means you'll be
staying the night, then?

Of course. It’s not the first
time I've been alone, is it? Okay.

You too.

Their car's broken down.

That's too bad.
Now, Timmy, that doesn't mean...

Oh, Liz, I want you more than ever.

Oh, I know, Timmy. And it was wrong
of me to let you go this far.

But why, Liz?

Because I don't want to
he just another easy lay.

But you're not
an easy lay. I mean...

I don't want to sound
old-fashioned, Timmy,

but I have to he able
to live with myself.

I want to feel that when
I finally get married...

Well, why don't we.

Timmy, is that a proposal?

Yes. I suppose it is.

Hey, we're in their bed.

That's all right. We'll make it
before they get back.

Yeah. Yeah.
We'd better.

Slowly, Timmy. Slowly.
It’s not a race.

Oh, right, yes.

What's the matter?

Um... Nothing.
Nothing.

I thought you wanted me.

I do. I do, I do.

Timmy?

I'll be all right in a minute.
I must wanted you too much.

Don't worry. We've got a
lifetime ahead of us.

They're coming back
In the morning.

I mean when
we're married, silly.

Married?

To a copper?

When did this happen?

A few days ago. I didn't know
how you'd all take it.

Never mind how we're gonna take it. How is
she gonna take it, living in your attic?

That’s another thing. we find a flat,
her old man says we can stay there.

What, in the police station?

No, in their house.

To think I'm going to close
To my little baby boy.

Oh, turn it up, Mum!
He’s not going to war.

No, but it’s the next but think.

Well, thank you and
goodbye, Sidney Noggett.

Oh, come on. I was only kidding.
It's a good idea.

Give him a sense of responsibility.

I think every man
should have a wife.

Preferably his own.

Is it going to be
a church wedding?

Yeah. But it’s all right. They're
taking care of everything.

Can't Wait to see Dad
In a grey topper.

Hey, you're right. I shall have
to watch out for one of them.

Come on, for God's sake!

It’s like trying to get a hunch
of performing seals on the road!

I can't find my gloves.

What do you want gloves for? He’s
being married, not knighted. Mum!

I think I'm going to cry.

So am I it' I don't get you lot out
In that Rolls. Come on, love.

Stop crying. You'll lose your eyelashes.
Just get in there and relax, girl

Now, where the hell
is Dad? Dad?

Here. Not a bad fit, is it?

Christ, you look like
the cover of Butch Male.

Get in the car.
Go on.

- Walt. I've gotta get me hat.
- Timmy?

I'm in the carousel
Hey, I'd better do that as well.

Oh, God.

I'm sure
I've forgotten something.

You've got everything but the bleeding wand.
Get in the car!

Sidney, you're so uncouth.
Oh, go on.

Oh, Did.

Here, a quick one for the road.

Oh, ta, Dad.
I'll get my tooth mug.

I've got butterflies in the old tum.

I had the same thing, son, only
mine were bloody great bat.

Ta.
Right.

Well, hero's to the first baby.

Oh, turn it up, Dad.
Don't rush it.

I shall never forget the day you were horn.
It was Guy Fawkes Night.

- I know.
- How do you know?

- It’s my birthday.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Well, I remember walking
home from the hospital.

All the rockets and
fireworks are going off.

I remember wondering what
you were gonna be like.

You know, what you were gonna do.

I never thought about marriage then.

Me neithar.

Dad, what the bloody hall are you doing?

I'm toasting the bridegroom.
You want for a pea, not a plus-up!

Go on. They're waiting for you downstairs.
You're coming with me. Come on.

Oh, God, now I want to go!
Hey! Wait for us in the Mini

Hey, Fred, how about that
for a Nice place of crumpet, eh?

Where?

Sea-through charlies and all.

Yeah. Wonder if she wants
a lift to Bristol.

Her Bristols don't need no lifting, Matai.

Come on.
Give us a hand with this.

I often wonder why some of them bother
to wear anything at all these days.

I'm glad they don't, mate.

You would.

Timmol

Right, off we go.

Now what?

I'm glad you're all right. I was
afraid there'd been an accident.

Well, we had to stop
because Dad nearly had one.

Lovely day for it.

Better still if we'd got the groom.
He's right behind. Sid's bringing him.

I can't understand it.
He’s such a dependable boy.

If he says he’s going to do
something, he always does it.

It’s a little more than saying he’s going
to do something. He’s going to get married.

Here they come.
About bleeding time too.

Dad!
Well, it bloody is.

Where's Timmy, then?
I was hoping he was here.

But you were bringing him.
Yeah, but I lost him.

Don't worry, love.
He can't be far away.

He’s probably
just lost his way, dear.

Here he comes.

I'm afraid that's
the next wedding.

But we haven't
finished this one yet.

I fear you're well
over your time, slr.

Can't you slide us
down one, vicar?

Well, I might just
squeeze you in at 4:00.

If you think I'm
sitting here until 4:00 o’clock...

Ho, no, no. Of course not. Besides,
my man have to go on duty later on.

There are lots of criminals
abroad, you know.

Not only abroad.

It’s so unlike Timmy.

- Is it?
- Oh, yes.

I mean, I'm sure he hasn't eloped.

Elopad, madam? Tell me,
how many girls is he engaged to?

Uh, okay, uh, why don't we
go back to the reception hall.

At least he knows where that is.

He, no, look, you see, reporting it to the
engineers isn't gonna get me married, ls it?

What?

Hello?

No?

Bloody reception-hall phone's out of order.

1.20, including the phone.

Um, how far is it to London?
Oh, about, uh, 60 miles.

Oh...

We still haven't served the wine, sir.

Look, I really don't think we should open
the champagne until we've had the wedding.

Quito right. I'm only here
for the bear anyway.

And I'm only here, sir, because your
son is supposed to marry my daughter.

Don't worry. He'll be here. Unless,
of course, he’s been arrested.

- What would be he arrested for?
- I don't know.

Your mob don't always
give reasons, do they?

Mob, as you...

No of fence.
Yes, all right.

Just a figure of speech.

I've got a lot of respect for the police.

Thank you, yes.

Anybody ever calls them
bastards, I always deny it.

I'm sure the commissioner will be
most happy to know about that.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'd like a word with my wife.

Well, your health.

Down the hatch.

Ah, John, dear, I was
just telling Mrs. Lea,

If Timothy had been
Involved in an accident,

the police would be the
first to hear about it.

Oh, yes, certainly,
certainly. My mob...

Have already checked the hospitals.

Mind you, he could've lost his memory.

Or his nerve.
Oh, no, he’s plenty of nerve.

Well, you have to,
cleaning windows.

Timmy’s like Sidney.
He'll go up anything.

Here we are, ladies.
Reinforcement.

Oh, ta. Sidney,
do you remember

when you was an hour late for our wedding?

Do i? I broke the zip on me trousers!

Yes, well, one hour's
a little different to three hours.

Oh...

Oh, God. It’s baby's feeding time.
I've gotta take these back.

Right, love, come on, then.

You can do it style in the Rolls.

Oh... I won't say see you revival
because I'll see you again later.

Come on.

Look, darling, why don't you go and
have a little chat with Aunt Maisie.

She's in quite good form for a change.

I have nothing to say to Aunt Maisie.

Well, I don't like to see you
sitting here by yourself.

Daddy, do stop fussing. I'm okay.

Hello, Johnny. did you
hear the one about the fella...

who gave up drink for the
sake of his wife and kidneys?

That's bloody marvellous!

Hi.

I brought you some grub.
You're getting slashed.

Wouldn't you get slashed?

Yeah, but you ought to
soak it up with something.

Apart from anything else, I feel
such a twlt in this wedding dress.

You look gorgeous.

Stood up at the
bloody altar. Ho!

Yeah, well.
Maybe it’s for the beet.

And what does that mean?

Well, I don't honestly think
Timmy was ready for marriage.

So you told him to run for his life?

Me? Christ, no!
I was all for it.

Okay, I had my doubts to begin with.
Then I began to envy him.

Why, you're a very attractive woman, Liz.

If I wasn't married,
I'd be tempted to resolve.

You really are a smooth
bastard, aren't you?

What did I say?

You can't even talk to a jilted
bride without trying to pull her.

I was only commentating.
I don't want commentation.

I just want to get out of this
bloody place and this bloody outfit.

So, what's stopping you?

I'll nip round the side.
I've got my van outside.

I'll run you home.

I can't leave just like that.

Now, why not?

I'll come straight back here
and tell them...

You had an attack
of the vapours. Hmm?

Come on. Come on.

It could only happen to me.

I even get seasick looking at boats!

Talk about "Get me
to the church on time."

I'll probably turn up
and throw up.

Church? He! I didn't even
make the reception!

I thought of calling the house,

but I might've got her old man
and a coin up my tread.

As for my feet, well,
I'd worn them off.

They felt like the end
of my legs turned up.

The house looked even darker
than my matrimonial future.

They were either all asleep

or inspector Radiett was
lurking behind the door,

with his truncheon in his hand.

Terrific wedding night.
Everyone in bed but the groom.

And up there was my
place of nuptial bliss.

Question was, how could Romeo get to
Juliet without his bleeding ladder?

Sid, behave yourself!

I said, I'm going to have
to put you in handcuffs.

No hard feelings,
then, Timmy, eh?

Of course not, Sid. Probably saved me
from a fate worse than death anyway.

Yeah, well, I won't be up
any ladders for a while.

Not to worry, Sid.
I got it all fixed up.

Got a new boy starting tomorrow.

And remember, in our business...

you gotta be immune from
shocks, especially from birds.

As long as they're satisfied customers,
they bring in the new ones, right?

- Right.
- Right.

If you ever want
your windows cleaned...

I live on a houseboat.

Fair enough.

I might even do your porthole for nothing.