All language subtitles for Confessions Of A Pop Performer.en

Hello.

This is Timmy Lea.

Remember me?

Well, my brother-in-law Sid and I
were still happily cleaning windows.

But it was just after
knocking-off time one day

when something happened
to change our lives.

Oh, Timmy, that was lovely.
I feel all warm inside.

How do you feel?
Great!

It's so nice to have a man again.

My husband's always saving
himself for his athletics.

Oh, is that what he tells you?

- Would you like a cup of tea?
- Oh, yeah, smashing.

Sonia? Sonia?

Oh! Oh, hello, darling.

I thought you were going straight
to the, uh... to the club.

No, I left me Javelin behind.
Have you seen it?

I think it's in the garage.

We don't have a garage.
I know, it's upstairs. Yea...

Blimey!

Hang on, I'll give you a hand!

Oh, where's me pants?
Oh, Mum will klll me.

Here. You're not wearing
me pants, are you?

Uh... Oh, I've found them.

Hey, you, uh, didn't have
my squeegee, did you?

By the way, what time
does your old man get back?

I don't want to be here when he...

You!

Me? Oh, no!

No! No! Please!

No!

No, no! Please! Please! Uh...

And agaln.

And off we go.

No. No. No!

Look, I'm te... Oh, hello, Sid.

Nice of you to drop in.
Sorry, Sid.

You stupid... Ooh...

You know each other?
Yeah. It's my brother-in-law.

Ever heard of the flying doctor?
Well, meet the flying window cleaner.

Ow!

Hey, that's not bad, is it, eh?
It's about average, I suppose, Sid.

I meant the music, you berk.
Oh.

Sounded qulte professional. We ought
to get a cushy number like that, you know.

Yeah, well, you've made a good start
with me, then, haven't you?

How many husbands would make their
wives work in a pub in the evenings?

Rosie, where are they going?

They've come to see the pop group
that's playing here tonight.

That's where the money
Is nowadays, you know.

What?
Well, pop groups.

All you got to do
Is sign up a few kids,

hire the instruments,
plunder the classics, you're away.

It's just a question of what colour
you want the Rolls-Royce.

Oh, don't be stupid.
You've got to have talent.

It's all to do with management.
There's no need for talent.

You should be all right, then.

What I need is someone of unfailing
finesse and razor-sharp reactions.

Coming up!

Yeah, well, you don't have
to worry about me, Sid.

All right.
No. I've got unfailing...

Uh... Well, what you sald.

Coming up.

Daddy!
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

You clumsy young fool, now it'll have
to be cleaned! What were you drinking?

That's very kind of you.
I'll have a pint, please.

I didn't mean that!

Daddy, control yourself.
Here's a cloth, banana-mitts.

Oh, thank you. I'm sorry.

Oh, God! You bloody fool! Come here!
Let's get out of here. Come along.

Here's what I'm on about.

You are a bleeding menace, you are.

What is the point in me
trying to sign up a pop group

when I'm lumbered with an idlot like you?

Sign up a pop group?
Shut up. Yeah.

Got any paper, Rosie?
Don't tell me they've taken it again.

I put a fresh roll in just the other day.
No, no, pen and paper, Rosie, love.

You mean that lot upstairs?
Well, aren't you gonna see them play?

I can hear them playing.
What do I want to see them for?

Pen doesn't work very well.

Like one or two other things
I could mention.

Now, listen, when I move in,
please don't mess it up, hey?

Try to capture my mood of...
breathless suavity.

That must be them, Sid.
Look at that bloke's halr!

What's a beautiful chick like you
doing in a place like this, eh?

You wouldn't want to slip
upstairs, would you?

I wouldn't like to slip up
anywhere, thank you.

Right. Here we go.

- Hello, kid, how are you doing?
- Well, that should cover it.

Uh... I'm a man of few words,
who speaks his mind.

Doesn't suffer fools gladly
and refuses to beat about the bush.

I liked what you were doing upstairs.

Yeah, we think you've
got what it takes...

You're kidding.
And we wanna take it.

To the top. To the top!
To the top.

Oh, right. Yeah.
Right, there you go.

Well, I'll draw up
the contract, then, eh?

Sure, man, if there's a drink in it.
Right. Of course, of course.

Here, give us a back.

Right. I, Sidney Noggett...
Belng of unsound mind...

the pen. The pen doesn't work.
Oh, the pen doesn't work. Oh, dear.

Right, it's one of these old ones,
you see. Untwist it.

A little twist there and a little press...
Whoa!

Oh, Sid.
Oh, you caught it!

These things happen.
Sid, where are we going?

Sid! No! Watch me...

That's better.
Let's have a drink, shall we?

- Hey, Rosie...
- Yeah?

Two on the slate, love.

Cooey. Sidney... Uh...
just a small one for me, please, Sid.

Oh... one for my friend.

What you gonna call the group?
Uh, Bloater.

No, no, I don't reckon it's classy
enough. I'm gonna call them... Kipper.

Well, it's more refined.

- Yeah, well, it smells of success, Sid.
- What you gonna do, play soul music?

It's no laughing matter!

Well, I don't know what
your dad'll think.

- Good day, Mr. Lea.
- I'll pay you tomorrow.

We're on the threshold of a fortune!

I mean, the way those fellows
were playing last night, blimey!

I'm amazed nobody else
has snapped them up.

Yeah, it's funny, that.

Ooh, I wonder who that is.

Listen, I've got a Job for you. You know
that bird you dropped in on the other day?

- Oh, I know, the one you were...
- Yes. Mrs. Barnwell.

She can be very useful
to us, you know.

How?
Well, her old man fixes up acts,

books concerts,
all that sort of thing.

Now, I want you to get round there
and chat her up about Kipper.

Who is it, Ma?
It's a gorlila.

Ah? Anyone we know?
Impatient, isn't he?

You'll get a clip around
the earhole in a minute.

What took you so bleeding long?

Have you got any idea
how hot it is in one of these?

Don't mess me about,
take the bloody thing off!

- Don't just stand there, pull it off me!
- Come on, Dad.

Go on, in here.

There you go.

What do you wanna
come home in that for?

Well, I looked a fool carrying it.
You look a bigger fool wearing it.

You've knocked off from the Lost Property
office for the day, then, have you, Dad?

Yeah, that's what he knocked off.

Well, I wasn't leaving it, was I?
Bloody work of art, this is, mate.

What you gonna do with it?
Be very warm in bed, Mum.

I'm not sleeping with him in that.

How'd you get home, Dad?
By Underground?

Yeah, swinging from strap to strap.

Ah, bloody hell.
Him Tarzan, you Jane.

Here. Have a banana.
You look like you lost your nuts.

Go on. It'll bring a lovely
gloss to your coat.

Here you are, Daddy, here you are.

Get off out of it! Get off!

Here, careful, you'll frighten the baby!
Oh, yeah!

I don't want my young Jason's future
development affected, you know.

Da-da?

"Go round and chat up
Mrs. Barnwell," Sid says.

I didn't know it then, but
it was like setting out

on a blind date with a bacon slicer.

Oh, uh, good morning, Mrs. Barnwell.

You most probably don't remember
me, but I dropped in...

No, I was here with my
brother-in-law Sid yesterday.

Oh, yes! I remember. That was all
rather unfortunate, wasn't it?

Well, yes.
Well, do come in.

Save me from drinking alone
on my birthday.

Oh, right.

My husband and I llve for the arts.
Oh.

How about a little Mussorgsky?

Oh, just a small one. Try and
keep off it during the day.

Oh, yes, well...
Do take your coat off.

Would a teeny-weeny sherry
sllp down all right?

Oh. Hey, thanks.

Uh, Sid, uh... thought you
might be interested in a group

that we represent,
called Bloater.

- I mean, Kipper.
- Nuts?

What?

Oh! Oh, yes. Thanks.

Oh, okay.

Well, about Kipper. We were wondering
If you could do something with them.

I mean, fit them in somewhere.

Fit what in where?

Uh... Well, like I say,
they're very good.

They've got this bloke... with halr.
Well, it's very unusual.

Yes, well, you should be
speaking to my husband.

Yes, I suppose I should,
really, shouldn't I?

But he's not here, is he?
No, he's not, is he?

Do you know what they say about mice?

Oh, yeah.

You ought to get onto
the council about them.

Because once they start breeding...

No!

When the cat's away, the mice do play.

Oh, yeah!

Uh, so you think I ought
to talk to Mr. Barnwell?

Yes, well, you come upstairs,
and I'll put a good word in for you.

Amongst other things.

Um, upstairs?

Well, if my husband won't give me a
birthday present, somebody's got to.

Will there be anything else,
Mr. Barnwell?

No, thank you, Carole.

Did you get the present for my wife?

I better go and give her one.
If you reckon you stlil can.

Come in.

Oh! Sorry, am I disturbing you?

Yes.

Come here.

What?

Oh.

Sit down.
Oh.

I've got some lovely things in here.

Oh, yes.

Well, I could always get the group
to audition for you.

You've got a one-track mind,
haven't you?

Why don't you audition for me?

Me? Oh, no, not me. I can't...
Oh, come on.

Do you think this is wise? Because...

Hang on.

Oh!

- Oh!
- Ooh.

- Kiss me where it counts.
- What?

Oh, right. Won't your
husband find us...?

Sherllee?

Sherllee? Sherllee!

Sherllee? Sherllee!

Hello, dear. This is a surprise.

I just came to wish you...

a happy...

birthday.

That's lovely, dear. Well, won't you...?

What are you doing in bed?
Oh, I had a spot of my old trouble.

Whose Jacket is that downstairs?

Oh, that must be Mr. Lea's. He came to see
If you could find a slot for his pop group.

Well, he must have left...
Left it behind.

Something the matter, dear?

Um... No. No.

Why don't you come and sit down
here while I open my birthday present?

Well...

There. Now...

That's better, dear heart.

What about the Jacket downstairs?
Oh, he knows where he left it.

I think he hangs out
around here somewhere.

/ had a definite feeling
that Sid was not going to be pleased.

What are you talking about? You mean
you never even raised the subject?

I never raised anything, Sid.

Oh, my God!

If you want a Job done properly,
you've gotta do it yourself.

Oh, but, Sid...
I'll see if he's stlil there.

How could my little choo-choo chops

think that his bunny-wunny could
have been a naughty girlie-whirlle?

Well, I'm sorry, Sherllee, but when
I see you look at another man,

I get a sort of purple mist
In front of my eyes.

Oh, but how could I want
anybody else? Now, don't be slily.

You give me so much... culturally.

I suppose you're right, darling.

Oh, blast!
Oh, come on!

Ah, hello.

Sidney Noggett
of Noggo Enterprises here.

Yes. My assistant has just
been round to see you.

The full range of my activities
Is probably unknown to you.

But recently, I have acquired...
Noggett, yes.

Oh, yes. He got onto me
while you were away.

7 know that these boys
have got what it takes.

Now, it is not often that I find myself

forced to deal in the debased
currency of superlatives.

But these talented young men

are undoubtedly
a banquet for the earhole.

Happy birthday, darling!

Oh, Norman,
you know what I like, don't you?

And I believe that
your proven experience...

And I can truthfully say that
I have seldom been so moved...

You're winning!

You've won! You've won!

Oh, blast. And I didn't
have a bet on myself.

And I am certain... nay, nay, adamant,

that you wliil wish to find
an opening for them.

Listen, Noggett.

Bring the boys around.
I'll give them a chance tomorrow.

Down at the Clvic Hall.
Oh!

4:30.
Hello?

They don't hang about,
these fellas. Do they?

There you go, my son!
Our first booking!

The Clvic Hall at 4:30.
Now, see how it's done?

You've really got a booking, Sid?
Yeah, yeah.

Why, that's fantastic!
Yeah, I know. It is, isn't it?

Hey, let's get around
and tell the fellas.

Oh, hello, love.
HI, love.

Have a good opening time, eh?
What? No trouble?

Not since I finally got
rid of you two last night.

Hey, Rosie, Sid's got the group a
booking already. Isn't that fantastic?

Well, it's nothing, really.
It's only an afternoon show.

But, I mean, it's a knack, isn't it? I
mean, take me... or Sir Bernard Delfont.

I only hope they can play, that's all.
Play?

What are you on about?
You heard them last night.

That wasn't them.
Their plugs wouldn't fit our sockets.

They were playing records.

Records? Bloody rec...

69, Common Approach.
Bloody well sults them, don't it.

Uh, excuse me, but do
Kipper live here?

Not yet, but it won't be long,
It's bleeding damp enough.

Uh, no, Kipper are a pop group.

What, you mean that
dirty lot over there?

Come on. Ta, love.
Disgusting!

Thanks for the good time, boys.

- Cheers.
- See you.

Bye-bye.

Ah, Grandad, do you want an autograph?

Never be afraid to ask.
Give us your book, then.

I've got your autograph, ain't I?
Eh? Last night, on a contract.

Oh, right, yeah.
You were the bloke in the boozer.

That's right, yeah.

And you wasn't even bleeding
playing your instruments, was you?

Didn't you realise that?
No, I didn't. Get inside.

Come in the front room. Come on,
Eric, about time you got up.

You must be Joking.

- Sit here, mate.
- Oh, ta. Thanks.

Leave off!
Yeah, do you mind?

Here, watch that Fanny chick,
she's not as innocent as she looks.

I wish you'd mind your instrument.
Shut up a minute and listen to me.

You lot!
I've got a Job for you tomorrow.

Job?
What I wanna know is, can you do it?

What, playing?
No, I mean sexing bleeding goldfish.

God Almighty!

Look out, boys, it's me mother.

We won't have any trouble.
Have you seen my Fanny?

Blimey, I saw The Curse Of
Frankenstein, that was enough.

Here! They look like her knickers!

- They're his.
- His?

- Here, no! Can you drive, sweetheart?
- Yeah, but why?

Get in that cab.
Step on it when I tell you.

Fanny, did you say, missus?

I think she's in them...
photographs we had taken.

The ones at the Festival of Light rally.
That's right.

What photos?

Show the lady, wlll you, Timmy?
Certainly. This way.

I think they're in here.

Fanny, get out of it!
What's the matter? What's going on?

Oh, what's that?
That's hers!

I'd swear to it!

In you get.
Right.

Where is she?
Sorry we can't help you.

Take it away!

Come on, get in!

So there you are!
You dirty little cow, you!

I've been looking for you.
It's all your fault, you pervert!

Come here and put something on.

Walt till I get you home.

There's a place, man. Go on, park it.

You berk!
It wasn't my fault. She...

You struck lucky, man.

I think we've bumped
Into each other before, haven't we?

Oh, yes. But it was my fault this time,
I didn't look in my mirror.

What? Well, that's all right, then.

No damage to speak of, eh?

Press! is that your office?

I work for the paper.
Are you a pop group?

Yeah, that's right.
How fascinating.

You know, I always think of pop groups
as a manifestation of the proletariat

striving to establish
an indigenous-culture identity.

I know! What about a plece?
Now you're talking, darling!

Newspaper plece, you berk.
I could handle that, as well.

No, you can't.
I've got to talk to him.

Timmo... give the lady
everything she wants. Will you?

You bet!

My assistant will service
all your requirements in full.

Good day to you.
Come on.

Super!

I've just got to pick up a library book,
park the car and I'll be right with you.

Go and walt for me in my office.

Terrific! Right.

Sorry to keep you waiting.
I had to get a new ribbon, as well.

I think your halr looks smashing
the way it is.

For the typewriter.

Have you read this?

How To Maximise Your Profit Potential.

I believe it's terribly good.
It's stuffy in here, isn't it?

That's it! Would you like
a cup of coffee?

No thanks.
You recognise my father?

Augustus Brown.

Oh! Yes, Augustus Brown.
A household word, isn't he?

Llke Harpic or Falry Liquid.

You know, I might try and bring
him along to hear your group.

He's got a very catholic taste in music.

Oh, well,
they don't play anything religious.

I meant he likes all kinds of music.

Now, let's get down to business,
shall we?

What are they called
and where can I see them?

They're called Kipper, and they'll
be at the Clvic Hall tomorrow.

What type of stuff do they play?
Well...

It's a bit difficult to say, really.

It is difficult to categorise
performers these days, isn't it?

I'm secretary
of our local music club and...

Thank you.

I became increasingly
aware of the narrow line

that divides what was called
pop and classical music.

It's almost impossible to...

Oh!

No, they're paper flowers!

Oh, paper flowers.
Paper flowers.

Go and get some water.
I'll go and get some water.

This'll do it.

Honestly! Oh!

Put it down!

No, not there!

Put. It. Down. I'll do it.

Turn it off!

Terribly sorry!
We'll soon have this under control.

No, put it down! Not on there!

Not on here, I won't.

Please be careful!

Turn it off, for God's sake!

What the devil's going on?

What are you doing?!
Hello, sir.

Sorry, sir. Sorry.
Stop it!

Would you like to... go out for coffee?

Oh!

Excuse me,
but how do you get out of this place?

Great, eh, kid? Today's the day, eh?

Bloody hell. When are you two
gonna announce your engagement?

When are you gonna buy
your own bloody house?

Hey, stick at it, girls. I'll be back to
collect the costumes around about 4:00.

You've done the Kipper T-shirts?
We've done everything.

I hope we're goling to get some
recognition for all this work.

You wlil, my little darling.

You've done a wonderful Job. Without
the proper gear, we're nothing.

What we need is a few instant fans
to stick in these.

If you give us some free tickets,
I'll get you some instant fans.

That's great, Ma! Listen, I've gotta go.
Sort that out for Timmo. Timmo, come here.

That's me.
Get them round the theatre by 4:00.

Kipper's scheduled to arrive 4:15,

80 that should give us time to organise
a bit of a reception. You dig what I mean?

Don't forget the T-shirts
and don't be late.

You can rely on me, Sid.

/ had a definite feeling
that Sid was not going to be pleased.

Did you get them?
Yes, Sid.

There you go.

Well? Where are they?

Here they come, Sid, here they are.

Ooh, not bad, is he?

That's not them, is it?
Yes. The Clapham Old Girls Club.

Christ, I love your old lady
for doing this to me.

Hey! Right teenyboppers, eh?
Come on, gather round, girls.

Over here. That's a good girl.
Oh, that's nice! Right, over here.

Listen, now that you're all here,
you may as well do something.

What I want you to do is when the pop group
arrives in the van, I want you to mob them.

Mob them. Mob them!
Right, yes! That's right.

Come on, girls, over there, then.

Come on, over here.
A blue van.

It's a blue van. Here it is!
They're coming! Go and get them.

Go on! Go on, girls! Here they come!

Get them! Get them! Come on!

Come on, get them!

Here, watch it, I'm a love object, I am.

I've got my finger stuck!
Sorry about that.

Get inside, go on, get inside. Push.
Get inside and get your clobber on.

Go on!

He's got his finger stuck.

It doesn't matter.
I'll see you later. Stay here.

Listen, girls. Walt, not me! Not me!
Not me, you bloody fools!

Go on. No, inside the hall. Inside
the hall. I know you like me. Go on.

There's a good girl.
In through there.

Right, you stay here.

I've done nothing...
I'll see you later.

But it wasn't me, Sid.

He's got me trumpet!
It's all right, love, calm down.

He's got me trumpet!
I'm sure he'll sign it for you later.

Now, get inside.

Good God!
Don't tell me he's one of them.

Daddy, don't be boring.
He's really very sweet.

He's just a little... accident-prone.

Look, if I'm going to do
this article properly,

I've got to get close to him.
Come on.

There's nothing to worry about.
Hello!

Here, it's this way.

I think you know
my brother-in-law Sid.

Oh, Sidney Noggett.
How charming. How do you do?

Won't you...?

You seem to have quite a lot
of elderly fans.

Well...

Well, if you'll excuse us,
we've got to get backstage.

Come along, Timothy.

Get your bloody halr cut, you might
be able to see where you're going.

Excuse us.

Where are they, Sid?
Down here.

Oh, Sid, look!
What?

Imagine performing with them!

Millions could describe
the experience.

Ah! Mr. Barnwell,
I just want to say thank you...

What?
Oh, Miss Climax.

Do you think I could have
a couple of words?

Certainly. Plss off.

Do you think it's gone to their heads?
It's gone everywhere, kid. Come on.

Here we are.
I'll be in in a minute.

What's the matter with you lot?
Zombie can't get his finger out.

What are you talking about?
Stuck!

Here, give me that, will you?
No, we've tried that. It won't work.

Trled Jamming it in anything?

Why not?
Here, Jam it in this, boys, come on.

Yeah, put it in there.

Let me get behind you.
Not on your life!

Now, pull. Go on, pull!

Bloody fool! Not me!

I've got it. Come on. Over here.

That's it. Now shove it in that keyhole.

Go on.
Now, shove it hard, push it hard!

That's right. Now... pull!

Guess what, lads!

Here, get out the way.
Get out the way!

What's the matter?
Never mind! Did it come off?

I think it's broken.

He can't play like that, can he?

No, no.

We'll just have to find somebody else.
But who?

Here's a merry new dance tune
from South London.

It's called "The Clapham."

What's Timmy doing up there?

Out to make a bloody fool of himself,
I should expect.

Let's get a bit nasty.

Now I want you all
to get really, really violent.

Get off me, you fat old twit!

You push me, I'll push you.
I'm getting out of here!

Bleeding muppet. Here, take that!

You're stupid old women,
listening to this rubbish!

Sock it to me, sock it...

I can hear! I can hear!

Here! You can't let these little freaks
stop the show, we're on next!

All right. Wil everybody belt up?

Don't worry, girls. When I'm a star,
I'll sign you a pair of my Y-fronts.

Listen, if I live to be... 21,
I'll get you for this.

You wliil never work again!

They've gone now.
I know who you are.

What?

You're Mick Jagger.
What? Oh, don't be silly!

You're making a comeback, aren't you?

No. No.

Don't go.
What? Why not?

- I'll scream.
- No! No. Don't.

I'll let them know you're in here.

Now, listen to me. I'm Timmy Lea,
you've got to believe me.

I knew it wasn't a cosh you
kept down the front of your jeans.

Oh!

No. Now, look, control yourself. It's...

Get off! What are you doing?
Oh, Mick!

I'll tell the others.
Not to mention the fuzz.

- I haven't done anything!
- Who's gonna believe that?

- I've only got to rip off my shirt.
- Oh, blimey.

- Tug down my jeans.
- Walt. Can we just talk about this?

- And rip off my panties.
- Now... walt a minute.

If I'm gonna get seven years,
I may as well earn some of it.

Your hands are cold.

Well, it's the only thing that is,
I promise you that.

Oh, Mick! My friends
are never gonna believe me.

Neither are mine.

Oh, Mick!

Oh, sorry.

Not too quick, Mick.

It's the fuzz.

There doesn't seem to be anybody here.

Except you.

And me.
Oh, Rodney!

Take off your glasses.

And your hat.

And your uniform.

Penelope.
Oh, Rodney!

Penelope.
Oh, Rodney.

...I say.

- Mind my truncheon.
- Oh, Rodney!

We've got to get out of here!
Yes.

Yeah, come on. Got an idea.
Follow me.

Oh, Rodney!

Oh!

Strewth!

Quick, quick, follow me. Come on!

You two, come back with that costume!

Whoa! Whoa!

Hey!

All the hits and more,
that's what you get on 194.

And a reminder,
If you like a bit of nostalgia,

every afternoon at 3:00, Roger Scott
and the Three O'clock Thrill.

What I can't understand
is why Black Beauty here

had to come home dressed up as a horse.

Look, if you dress up as a gorilla,

I don't see why I shouldn't
dress up as a horse.

- Get off, you dirty...
- Well, what's wrong you?

Not enough milk.
Got any milk? Oh, it's okay.

Oh!

What is it?

It's about your group.

By that bloke.

- Augustus Brown.
- Kipper? Give me that.

- What's it say, Sid?
- Blimey. Listen to this.

"Last night, I witnessed
the most important event

in the history of music since
the birth of Beethoven."

Blimey.

"Mr. Nutter Normington bypassed
the intermediary of his instrument

and literally took his
mind to his music."

Load of cobblers.

With a review like that,

we ought to be able to get
a booking at that theatre...

what is it called?
The Roundhouse!

The Roundhouse? They couldn't
get a booking in a piss house.

- Walter!
- Well...

' Go.

Hello?

Oh, it's you!
Thanks for that fantastic review.

Here, has he got a new girifriend?
He fancies that newspaper bird.

Bye-bye.

Here! Here, that was her!

That was Jill. She wants to see me.
Great! Get on round there.

And, Timmo, like I told you before, try to
employ a little subtiety and finesse, eh?

You've been with me long enough
to see how it's done.

Your hand, my darling.

Au revoir, ma petite.

Oh, no.

I was...

Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I'll do it.
No, it's all right. I'll do it.

Hello. Me again.
Miss Brown's expecting... me.

She's upstairs on the terrace,
having coffee.

That way? Right.
Yes.

Hello? Hello, give me the editor.

It's him. He's here again!

It's a lovely view, isn't it?

Super about the record, isn't it?
Yes.

Record?
Haven't you heard?

I just rang up Norman Barnwell for a story.
He sald he's flxed up a recording session.

Well, he's changed his tune,
hasn't he?

He can't afford not to give you a break
after Daddy's review.

The more I think about this pop thing,
the more fascinated I become.

There are so many different facets.
Oh, yes.

I don't just mean the music itself
or the social significance.

There's a financial aspect.
Have you thought about that?

Sid thinks about that most of the time.

I was thinking about you in bed.

I've decided I'd like to become
much more closely involved.

- Really?
- I'd like to get inside you.

I know what you mean.
I thought I even might handle your PR.

PR?

Not my P-R-I-C...

I'm talking about public relations.

I'm not without experience. I took a
course of business studies at university.

What do you think?
I think you're a knockout.

Oh! There's Daddy.

Here, Jlil. You wlll come
to the recording session, won't you?

I'd find it fascinating.
Because you're good luck for me.

Daddy, you remember Timmy Lea.
Absolutely.

My dear boy, how do you achieve
your perfect polse?

Oh! just a knack, really.

- Great! Great!
- Okay, that's the one.

Let's take a break for tea.

Not bad for only the 70th time, eh?
What do you think of them, Mr. Barnwell?

Taking things into consideration:

their lack of experience,

their technical imperfections
and their total lack of polish,

I'd say they were useless.

Hello, darling. I was magic, wasn't I?

Yeah, we was getting it
together there.

- If you're ready, Jlil, we...
- Where are you going?

Jill and I were just popping off...
You're not, you've got work to do.

Don't worry, darling,
this is a case for superstar.

Don't worry. It'll give me a chance
to winkle out the real Nutter.

I'll keep me pin handy. Ta-ta, all.
But...

Right. Now that we've got Kipper
recorded, what are we going to do about it?

Shall I tell you?
The best thing you can do is to...

No, that would be too painful.

The best thing to do is
take the record round to Maxy Naus.

You know him, he's always on telly.

In the business,
he is known as Mr. Fixit.

He's in with all the DJs.

You give him a plece of the action, get
your record played. Know what I mean?

Now, watch your manners and don't
do anything stupid. All right?

Hello, boys. I don't think I know
you two. Are you new to the racket?

Come on in.
Thank you, Mr. Fixlt.

My name is Naus, Maxy Naus.
Yes. Yes.

Mr. Barnwell sent us
round to see you.

Say no more. I'll leave Ruth and
Sharon to introduce themselves.

Get the boys a drink.
Yes, Mr. Naus.

Hello, boys.
Oh, hello.

You fancy nipping down the corridor?
Not just now, Maxy.

Only take a second.
That's what I'm worried about.

What's your pleasure?
Come for a little walk. I'll show you.

Sid?

You know me, I never have a bad word
for anyone in the business.

I made it one of my rules.
I bumped into Morrle the other day.

Thieving little bastard.

Here you are, darling.
Oh, ta.

Ooh, blimey!
You in the business, are you?

Oh, yeah.
Play a few records?

Oh, albums full.
Oh. Are you from Luxembourg?

No, Clapham.
Oh, you have a station there?

Well, yeah, Clapham Junction.
Why, do you wanna go somewhere?

Yes. Why don't you come along
for the ride?

No, there's something
I've got to show Mr. Fixnaus.

Why don't you show me something first?

Why, have you got a record player?
Oh, yes, we have everything here.

Really?

I've always wanted to do this!

I've got a snorkel, you know.
Yes, I should hope so.

Come on, then.
There's not much point, is there?

There's nowhere to do it.
You do it here, darling.

Have you got a swimming bath here?
You want to do it in the bath?

No fun unless you do it underwater,
Is there? Oh, terrific.

Where did you say you came from?
From Kipper.

Yeah, they're a very good group.

They've got this bloke
who bashes his organ with his head.

Right, which way to the pool?

Okay, everyone, shop's open.

This is what we've been waiting for.

They make a lovely couple, don't they?

- Bird's got some form.
- Look at this.

Mr. Kipper, I'm here.

You're on. Or rather, I am.

- Oh, yes. Right.
- Mind your snorkel.

I can't see. I can't see any...

- Be careful.
- Oh, there you are.

- Where's the...?
- Oh, your snorkel.

Oh, your flippers are...

Watch me...

Get the...

Nice party.

Where you going? Oh...

I've just remembered something.
What?

Record.
Record?

Be... back in a minute.

What's going on?
Have a look.

There's some bloke
making a fool of himself in a frog...

Walt a minute.

Get back in there!
You get back in!

There's three quid's worth
of giteau there.

Real cream, you know.

Well, what do you think of it, Mum?
Very nice. Very catchy.

I haven't heard it played anywhere.
You wouldn't have.

If you're not prepared
to compromise your ethics

and you've got a stupid
berk as a brother-in-law,

you haven't got much chance
of getting it on the air.

Mind if we have the television on?
Certainly, Tarzan.

Top Of The Pops! would be all right.

God! After your efforts?

We'd be lucky if we could get it played
as background music for the test card.

Look, I didn't know all those
blokes were disc jockeys.

How was I supposed to know?

Look, it's Maxy Nausit.

Of course. He introduces
Star Knockers.

I didn't know they had this on
In the afternoon.

It's a repeat.
Here.

What?
I've got an idea.

I think I can get Kipper on that show.
How?

Listen,
Mrs. Barnwell is very close to Maxy.

I thought she had it in for him.
She does. Frequently.

I'll tell her that we're doing fantastic
business at the local record shop.

In fact, I'll make bloody certain we
are. You lot, I want a word with you.

I want you to do me a favour.
You know what you can do.

Yes, well, there's money in it.
Monies, monies, monies.

Where did you get all that from?
How much wads?

Sid had this brainwave
that if we went out

and bought all the Kipper records
we could lay our hands on,

then we could get it into the charts.

Seemed stupid to me, but as it turned
out, it had an unexpected bonus.

It's all right, I'll get them.

There you go.
Ta. What can I do for you?

Kipper, please.
Kipper.

We've had a big run on that today.
Oh. Really?

It's not my cup of tea.
I only like progressive music myself.

You see... I'm a very progressive girl.

Yes. Well, I don't think you could say
Kipper progressed very far.

Don't go away.
I'll... see if I've got anything on top.

Whoops! Can you hold it?

What?
The stool.

Oh! Yes. Certainly.

I think we've run out.
Do you think you'll have it in agaln?

I wouldn't be surprised. Hang on.
There might be something over here.

Oh. Right.

What's the matter?
I've got a crick in my neck.

You poor thing,
let me massage it for you.

Ta.

Ooh, that's better.

Yes, that's rather nice.

How about...
something a little bit more romantic?

Oh, much better.

No one else is gonna come, are they?
That's up to you, show-stopper.

Oh, right!

Oh, I love it in time with the music.

Yes! I love this passage!
I really like it!

Let it all hang out!

I think I've found it.
What?

The record you were looking for.
Oh. Good.

At last! Where have you been? You're
supposed to have been rehearsing.

I'm sorry, Sid, I was...
Rehearsing for what, I want to know.

Since you've been looking after us,
we've got nowhere. I's diabolical, man.

I think we should let Jill manage us.
We should give Sid another chance.

Now, listen, lads.
I wasn't gonna tell you this,

but tonight I'm working
on something really big.

All right, but I'm warning you,

if you haven't lined up something by
tomorrow morning, we're through.

We'll put ourselves
in Miss Brown's hands.

- I can see you doing that.
- Watch it.

Come on, lads, let's get on with it.

One, two, one, two, three, four.

Don't bother to wish me luck,
wlll you?

You'll all be surprised,
the connections I've got.

- See, what I wanted to say was...
- Go on, go on!

I know you know Maxy Naus.
What? Don't stop!

Oh, my God!
Ooh! Don't leave me!

Well, if you could just...

You know, help to...
To... To get the group

on his television show.

You know, Star Knockers.

Star Knockers.
We want to be on Star Knockers.

You are naughty, Sidney.

I was thinking of something
before we started all that.

You've put it right out of my head.

Oh, I know what it was.

Why don't we put that group of yours
on the Maxy Naus show?

Wonderful. Marvellous.

God bless you all, ladies and gentlemen,
lads and lassies, kids and kiddlewlinkles.

Yes, it's me agaln, Maxy Naus,
your homely, humble host,

welcoming you back to Star Knockers,

the show that sets out to bring you
the best in undiscovered talent.

Here, Tim, reckon we stand a chance?
Load of rubbish so far.

New acts performing original material.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,
the moment has come

to invite the participation of you,
our wonderful studio audience.

May I humbly suggest that your
first task be to test the applausometer

by giving us a really big hand?

Hey, does that thing really work?

Yeah. It's the only genuine thing
on the show.

You mean the louder the nolse,
the higher the needle goes?

Now it's time to really put
the applausometer to work.

I'm going to re-Introduce those
very wonderful, undiscovered talents

who gave you so much pleasure
In the early part of the show.

From Clapham in South London,
I give you...

Kipper.
Kipper!

I don't have to tell you
that you're not going to win, do I?

Get off, wlll you?

I don't feel like a birthday party.

Never mind, Sid, you did your best.
Well, it wasn't good enough.

I'll tell you something, I'm dreading
that meeting tomorrow.

They'll go off with that bird
If we're not careful, you know.

Oh, no, Sid. Jlill's not like that.
Oh, no?

No, no.
She's only interested in Kipper

as a manlifestation of symbiotic
counterculture, as it happens.

Is that what she told you?
Yeah.

Who's a lovely birthday boy, then?

Cheer up, you two. What have you
bought Jason for his birthday, Sidney?

I haven't had time to get anything,
have I?

I've been striving to help bulld
something towards the future.

That's what I'm gonna give
him as a present.

You might have done something.

Cake?

That's coloured semolina.

Where's the candle gone?
It's sunk.

Hello, sailor.

You stay there, sunshine.

Oh, God.

Evening, all.

What have you bought Jason
for his birthday, Dad?

Oh...

Half a bottle of whisky.

You can't give whisky to a little baby.
Course you can.

You store it away untll it matures,
and he can have it when he's older.

I'll keep it for him. All the nobs do it.
They put down port for their kids.

I sometimes wish I'd have
put down poison for some of mine.

There you are, love. Did you have
a nice time at...? Oh, my God, yes.

Sit down, love. We can start
the party now you're here.

Would you like a cheese straw, Dad?
I can't eat those with these teeth in.

Where's your other set?
I don't know.

I've not seen them since you used
them to put a pattern on that ple crust.

Here, love, I know. Why don't you say a few
words? After all, it is a family occasion.

Our first grandchlid's first birthday.
Oh, yes, Dad, go on.

Let's all have a laugh, Dad.

Hand him over.
Come on, my old Jason.

There we are.
That's it.

There.
There we are. You comfortable?

Right. Now, then. You can call me
a stupid old fool, if you like.

You're a stupid old fool.
You shut your mouth.

Timmy!

A lot of people think that our future
and the country's future

is in the hands of the scientists
and the politicians, don't they?

Well, that's... I don't believe that,

because I believe that our future
Is in the hands of the little people.

Little people like little Jason here,
eh?

There we are.

To me, it's the scientists who do all
this bloody pollution in the country.

The politicians, they can't agree.
They're fighting. Know what I mean?

We know, as a family,
we have our ups and downs,

but, I mean, we know
that when the crunch comes

we always in our hearts,
we know to stick together.

That is what little Jason's teaching
us, and that's family unlty, isn't, eh?

I mean,
I don't normally say things like this.

What's the matter, love?
The bleeder's peed all over me hand.

Come on, Jason. Ah, love.

- You all know Daddy, don't you?
- Yeah. Hello, squire.

Anybody care for a glass of wine?
Ta, I've got a Scotch.

Oh.
Sorted everything out?

We nearly sorted out the management,
If that's what you mean.

Looks like the group might split up.
Oh, dear. What a plty.

I thought you might help me out.
In what way, squire?

You see, I've got to help
organise this charity concert

for the Critics' Benevolent Fund.

I can't for the life of me remember
where the damn thing is to be held.

Hang on. Ah, yes!
The London Palaceum.

Yeah?

The London Palaceum?

The London Palaceum?

To think they'll be there.
Their Majesties.

You wouldn't credit it, would you?

I hope she wears her crowns.
So do I. It does sult her, don't it?

Good evening.

Ah, yes.
Excuse me, could I have a word?

Not at the moment.
Probably a little later on.

Right under the royal box.
Not bad, eh?

I can't see them.

What, you want to stand on my head?
Frequently.

Come on! We're gonna be late.

Don't panic, Walter.
I've never been late yet.

Typical.
You haven't turned the set on.

I only hope Sid behaves himself,
that's all.

Ah! Good evening.
Sir, have you got a ticket, please?

Oh, yes. There. There you are.
Seems to be in order. Thank you.

Thank you.
Round the back. Round the back!

Good evening.

What about that?

Sidney Noggett!

Not now, darling.
Come back later, that's a good girl.

Sidney, if I may say so,
you were instrumental,

if I may use that word, "Instrumental,"
in discovering Kipper.

Ehm, that is correct.

The moment I first heard them,
I knew they had that magic ingredient...

Well, they're a wonderful bunch of lads.

Oh, dear. Once again,
I have this nagging feeling

that Sid is not going
to be very pleased.

Well, ladies and gentlemen,

I think the moment that we've
been waiting for has arrived.

I can see the crowd surging forward.

Disappeared!
Disappeared? What are we gonna do?

We'll have to find him,
that's what we'll have to do.

God knows what he's got himself into now.

I think
I've got to get on a different plll.

Oh. Hello.

What are you doing here?
Well, there was a hole in the stage.

Oh. They're everywhere, aren't they?
Yes.

If it's not a rude question,
what are you doing?

I'm warming up.

I am like a soldier,
waiting to go over the top.

This keeps my mind off it.
Your mind's practically on it.

Two minutes to curtain, everybody.
Undo me.

- I beg your pardon?
- Undo me. My zip, please.

I can't. I'm on in a minute.

Oh, are you in the show?

Yes, I'm with the grope... The group.

Oh. You would help a fellow thespian
In her moment of need.

Wouldn't you?

Well, no. I didn't think thespians
were interested in that sort of thing.

Just a little succour.
Just...

Timmy? Tim?

Timmy?

I'd bend over backwards to please you.

Look, I really must go.

Wiii the members of the Kipper band
please stand by?

I'm on in a minute.

You could be on a lot quicker
If you played your cards right.

Coming! it's my boyfriend!
I thought I was.

Coming! Where are you?

Over here.
You've got to get out!

But how?
The same way you came in, the vent.

My clothes! I must have my clothes!
Hurry!

Evening, dear.

Your Majesty, Your Excellency,
my lords, ladies and gentlemen.

And now two wonderful old pros.

Need I say more
than the Climax Sisters?

I don't know why they have them on.
They're past it.

What are we gonna do?
I'm up to here with you lot!

If he's not here in 30 seconds,
you have to go on without him.

I'll be in the wings. Good luck.

Your Majesty, Your Excellency,

my lords, ladies and gentlemen.

It gives me great personal pleasure
to introduce the next act.

Many of you may be acquainted with
a little show I do called Star Knockers.

I'm grateful to know
that after all these years

one is still remembered with affection.

And now the moment
we've all been waiting for.

The moment
you've all been waliting for.

Ooh, this must be them now.

I'm so nervous. I want to make myself
look nice for Her Majesty.

Rosie, you're powdering your nose
with a marshmallow.

Timmo!

Timmy?

Timmy?

Oh, Sid.

Sid. Over here in the shaft, Sid.
Timmy!

What the bloody hell are you...?
You're supposed to be on bloody stage!

I can't, Sid, I've got no clothes.
Only these.

What do you mean, you can't?

Get out of that hole immediately.

You'll have to wear what you've got.
Come on, now, hurry up.

Your Majesty, Your Excellency,
my lords, ladies and gentlemen,

I give you... Kipper.

Here we go! Start the show.

One, two, three...
Are you ready?

Come on, Tim, hit the thing.

That's it, nice and heavy.

Bit of bass, shake the place.

Oh, I think the Joanna comes in here.

Come on, man, clap your hands!

Wreck the place, we don't care.

Boy, can I pick them!

That was tremendous!
Fantastic!

I don't know how you did it,
but you did it!

I wanna have a word with you
about that. In private.

- We've come for our souvenir.
- What?

Superstar promised us
an autographed pair of his Y-fronts.

Oh, really. Can't you see we're in the
middie of an important discussion?

Oh! I say, how frightfully boring.

Oh, go away, you slily old tart.
How dare you, you stuck-up...

girls, I'm not wearing any pants.
Prove it!

Ladles, please!
Get out of it! Get his pants, Bren.

Bloody disgusting.

I want me mum! Help, please!

That's our chance of success
up the spout.

Oh, no, it's not. Not if I have my way.
You walt and see.

Well, I was right about one thing.
Sid was not very pleased.

I thought my career as
a performer was finished.

And it was.

Well, not quite finished.