Original subtitles

Okay. Flat hand bubble.

On the way.

Ready? Action.

Varn?

Varn?

Where are you, Varn?

Varn?

Don't touch it.

Please, Vern.

I'm trapped in this TV.

Forever.

Hey, Vern. Boy, I'm sure glad you switched from that Uncola.

Sprite's everything that stuff is. Clear, clean, caffeine -free. But Sprite

tastes better, because only Sprite has limon. Know what I mean?

bad boys how about it hot

ain't

it burn look what your buddy ernest has brought you burn an icy cold sprite

instead of that seven up you used to drink because only sprites got the great

taste of limon sprite burn just the thing when you're working up a sweat

one of these old Off -brand air conditioners, know what I mean?

Well, there's your problem right there, Vern.

You see that little wire right there? Looks like it's got a little... ...hard

it.

My daddy used to work on them.

Hey, Vern.

It sure is hot up here, Vern. I bet you'd like a cold, smooth, mellow yellow

right now, wouldn't you?

Yeah, I'd just...

You would.

You know, Vern, there's nothing like a good old cold mellow yellow when you're

all hot and sweaty.

I think it sure beats that Mountain Dew.

You know what that sound means in Russia, Vern?

Empty.

Vern, I... Hey,

Vern. My brother -in -law just got down at Tyson's Toyota, Vern. A brand -new

Toyota Supra.

A dream machine.

Sexy, too, ain't it?

Hey, listen, Vern, why don't you go in the house and get you on some long pants

and some of that musk oil, and me and you will go out and find us some action.

What do you say?

is fixing to use some of his world -famous recipe for buttermilk pancakes,

with delicious, nutritious Challenge buttermilk. See, it's the one with the

little elk on the label. Only it ain't elk milk, it's cow's milk. I mean, who's

gonna milk an elk? But anyway, all us great cooks use Challenge buttermilk.

Okay, now, get ready, Vern. You ready?

Here it comes.

You ready?

Pancakes on parade.

You better believe it.

Boy, Vernon, this sure is a dull game.

I know it takes strategy, you know. And speaking of strategy, your old buddy

Ernest, noted entrepreneur, has moved his entire financial kingdom to the

Savings and Loan.

Know what I mean?

Yes, the vast financial empire of Ernest P. Worrell is now earning a whole big

bunch of that filthy lucre on a daily basis.

My move?

Crown me.

Cold, ain't it, Murph? Have you had your coffee yet? I'll tell you, that

convenience has got some coffee. I've got to have my convenience coffee every

morning. It's so hot and black and rich and good.

That freshly brewed convenience coffee every morning gets me moving.

Ah, moving, moving, moving, moving, moving, moving.

In my convenience.

Ah, moving, moving, moving, moving, moving, moving, moving, moving.

I think I'll have a donut.

You know, Vern, Cream Weaver Highland sour cream is so good on everything from

potatoes to tacos that it has inspired me to write this poem.

I affectionately call it Sour Cream by Ernest P. Worrell.

Actually, it's by Cream Weaver Highland. I just wrote the words.

Roses are red, violets are blue.

Sour cream is white and comes in a tub.

Better watch out, Vern.

Awareness is going to fire this bullet.

Now, go on back. Go on back long. That's it. Now, button hook.

Now, cut on over. There you go.

Better watch me now. I'm up on my sports.

I watch Ron Franklin, Channel 2 Sports. That Ron's a big leaguer, buddy. Ron

Franklin is a pro.

Hey, Vern, why don't you go get that big bad brother -in -law of yours and we'll

play a little touch, you want to do? Huh? Huh?

Is this your brother -in -law, Vern?

Tell you what, how about I send her for both teams, you know what I mean?

Take out the slack.

Okay, Vern, here's the deal.

If I can pull this off, if me, your old buddy Ernest, can pull this off, you

will buy me a year's supply of Quality Check milk and ice cream. Is that it?

Easy? A year's supply of them Primo Quality Check products. If I can pull

off.

Okay.

It enough?

Hey, Vern, I guess you've been reading about the colivores. Yeah, Vern, the big

two have been going at it toe to toe. But you know, Vern, I've been wondering

how purity orange juice can get in on this. But purity orange juice don't have

any caffeine or added sugar or carbonation or artificial coloring.

It's just an all -natural, refreshing drink full of vitamins.

I guess they just can't compete.

But boy, I like a good scrap.

I stayed up all night to study for my official Ernest P. Worrell Mellow Yellow

Mountain Dew taste test.

I bet you don't think I can tell the difference, do you?

Watch.

Mmm.

That tastes great.

That tastes great, too.

But I think we'll know how to like... I can't tell the difference, Vern.

I guess I flunked the taste test.

I bet I'm going to have to clean the blackboards again.

You owe me $14, Vern.

You know, Vern, I'm worried about your financial stability.

That's why you ought to be watching News Scope on Channel 2 at 4 .30 every day

for them money tips. Know what I mean?

That bill by Ethel has got consumer reports, Vernon.

I watch it every day.

That's why I have a working knowledge of cash flow, supply and demand, and the

free enterprise system, Vernon.

And that's why you, Vern, should trade me Park Place for the waterworks.

Know what I mean?

Vern, I just saw this movie. It's called Dr. Ido and the Little Gloom Beam. It's

about this guy named Dr. Ido, and he has this gloom beam. It's this thing that

zaps computers, and it's got a monster called the dump, and it's got Slave

Willie. It's this robot, and there's pirates, and it's just neat, especially

part I'm in.

You know, Vern, I think you'd enjoy it a whole lot better if you went to see it

at the theater.

You know, Vern, there's nothing like a picnic in the great outdoors.

Being at one with nature, you know what I mean? And when you have a picnic,

Vern, you gotta bring plenty of my personal favorite, Sprite. The one with

great taste of limon.

The one that undid the un -cola in that taste test.

Yeah, Vern, nothing makes a picnic like good food, Sprite, and fire ants.

Fire ants! Oh, oh, oh, Vern!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

Which one do I really want? Mellow yellow or Mountain Dew?

Hmm.

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

One potato, two potatoes, three potatoes, four.

Paper, rock, scissors.

Why use all that mathematical, analytical analysis?

I'll just pick the one I like the best.

Make the mellow yellow move. Know what I mean?

Vern, I know this to be true.

Trust me on this one, Vernon.

When you go to deal on a new car somewhere else, you might only save this

Vern. But your old buddy Ernest would be willing to traverse countless thousands

of miles, or just around the block, in order to save this much on a new Titan

Toyota. You might call this phenomenon pizza logic.

I do.

Important announcement from Brahms. The biggest scoop of ice cream ever placed

on a cone comes from Brahms.

It is the most delicious treat known to humanoids.

Proceed at warp speed to Brahms.

Know what I mean?

Yum. Yum.

Yum.

Hey, Vern.

Who was that weirdo?

Snappy dresser, that one.

$16 .50.

Oh, hi, Vern. I was just practicing for The Price is Right with Tom Kennedy.

Weeknights on WDBJ7, your hometown station.

Mean vase, a steal at two grand.

World War II hand grenade, $15.

Probably a dud.

$3 .50.

I can almost hear Johnny Olsen right now, Vern. Ernest P. Worrell, come on

Hey, Byrne, you digging a hole?

Why?

Did you call the gas company first?

Why not?

Byrne, if you don't call before you dig, you could hit a gas line and really

mess up a perfect afternoon. Know what I mean? No heat, no hot water, you can't

cook, and you're sure not going to make any new friends down at the gas company.

Know what I mean?

Byrne, since you're down there, get me some night crawlers.

Oh, hey, Vern. Me and Shorty just took a test drive in your new Ford pickup.

Handles like a dream.

Golly, Bob. Howdy, Vern. I can't understand how them boys down at Big

can sell them so dad blame low.

I guess that's why they're Jacksonville's number one volume dealer.

Well, come on, Shorty, let's... Oh, Shorty, you shouldn't have done that in

back of Vernon's new truck.

Sorry, Vern.

Big Duval Ford, Vern. The pick of the litter. Know what I mean?

Hey, Vern, before you go in the lake, check it out. You know what these are,

Vern? These are life jugs. They're jugs for saving lives.

And you'll see them all this summer around public lakes and swimming areas

shore to shining shore.

If you see somebody in trouble, Vern, you grab them by this little loop here

you toss it out to them.

They're for saving lives, Vern, and they really work. But you're not supposed to

play with them, Vern. You're supposed to play with them.

Oh, hi, Vern.

Vern, do you realize that your electric heat pump only delivers heat at 90

degrees? Vern, that's less than my body temperature.

What you need, Vern, is a new high -efficiency gas furnace like mine.

It puts out heat at 120 degrees, and it's the lowest -cost heat of any system

today. Yeah, Vern, gas is the heat to beat.

Vern, I don't feel so hot.

You ought to put me to bed.

Is that good and tight, Vern? That old sucker's got to come out of there.

You should have talked to Ernest first.

If you'd only brushed after every meal, got regular checkups, flossed every day,

ate the right kinds of food, and, of course, drank plenty of milk, all this

wouldn't be necessary, would it, Vern?

Okay, you ready?

On one, two, two and a half, three.

Ready to try it again, Vern?

Oh, sorry, Vern. Didn't mean to wake you up. But I just looked in your fridge,

and I see where you finally came to your senses and got rid of that old Mountain

Dew and made the mellow yellow move.

Yeah, Vern, you must have overcome your trauma and regained your brain.

Well, Vern, you go on back to sleep and get some rest, and I'll drink a whole

half dozen of these and go on home.

Oh, Vern, I like the little bear.

You buying a new car, Vern?

I know.

Tyson's Toyota might be on the other side of town, but it's worth a drive.

what I mean? Let me figure this for you.

Vern drives 18 miles to Tyson's Toyota at 20 cents a mile. That's government

standard. Divided by the accelerated rotation of the earth minus frustration

factor equals... Vern, you're going to save $53 ,000 on a $9 ,000

car.

I don't know how him boys stay in business.

Aye, aye, aye, aye.

Hey, Capasa Byrne, I assume you are here for the fiesta.

Yes, Byrne, a couple of close personal amigos and myself are celebrating the

fact that Sprite tastes better than 7 -Up. Because only Sprite has that great

lemon taste.

Know what I mean?

Comprendo?

Let the fiesta begin.

Aye, aye, aye, aye.

Aye, aye. Oh!

Oh!

Be prepared, Vern.

Be prepared to go to the Scouterama, Vern, April 16th. There'll be Cub Scouts

and Boy Scouts and Explorer Scouts all doing what Scouts do best. Camping and

cooking skills and face painting and fun of all kinds.

So catch your spirit, Vern. April 16th, Scouterama, know what I mean?

You know, Vern, you can make a fire this way.

And boy, is it...

Oh,

hi, Vern. I was just keeping up with my money, because 24 Action News has come

up with something custom -made for us big -time entrepreneurs.

It's called Money Matters in Austin, and it's stuff about money. You know, legal

tender, you jack, you womp them, you quest for the long green.

It's weeknights on the update.

And Vern, Money Matters even tracks your preferred interest rates.

You know, that's where you might prefer it, but you ain't gonna get it.

They'll bookkeep you right out of it. Know what I mean?

Let's have a camera over here, and then we'll move that way. Okay, Jennifer,

these attack dogs are really vicious, so I figured we'd start the story out

somewhere along the way. Hey, Vern, check it out. It's Mark Bailey and

Mills from your friend Force PM Magazine, and they're always doing great

on just about everything. Like, for instance, right now they're doing one on

attack dog, and Vern, never do this to an attack dog. Oh, no.

He's such a weird animal.

It's almost psychic.

Oh, hi, Vern. Hope you don't mind me using your shower, but since you got

new gas water heater, you got plenty of hot water.

It's twice as fast and a whole lot cheaper, you know what I mean?

You know, I'm going to have to call a gas company and get me a gas water

Now, Vern, would you mind handing me that cream wrench?

Thanks.

Oh,

hi,

Vern.

Check it out, Vern.

Ernest goes artist to help celebrate National Ice Cream Month.

That's right, Byrne. And this is my contribution to Ice Cream the Beautiful.

They've dedicated a month, and I've dedicated my entire life to ice cream as

art. Ice cream -o de art -o.

Comprendo. And you know the best part, Byrne? Is you can eat your mistakes,

what I mean?

My little victim.

You know, I just got through watching the Andy Griffith Show on WDBJ7.

That's right, Vern. The Mayberry Sensation on your hometown station.

I watch it every weekday afternoon.

They got Aunt Bea and Barney and Goober and the whole gang.

I know what, Vern.

Let me and you play Mayberry.

I'll be Andy and you be Dopey.

It's me, Ernest, the Spanish little party helper. And look what I brought

some chips and party dip and everything. You know, Vern, it's that time of year

when people get together to celebrate with their friends and have a good time.

There's Ken and Craig and Jerry. It looks like the whole Channel 40, Channel

Hey,

listen, Vern, if you need any more chips or anything, I'm right next door. It's

no trouble at all. Just give me a call.

Merry Christmas, Vern.

Merry Christmas, Vernon. It's me, Sandy's little helper. Look, I brought

something festive for the season.

Some Robert's Peppermint Stick Ice Cream and Eggnog and Sour Cream. Just the

thing, Vernon, when those neighbors drop in.

Robert's products are great for Christmas, Vernon.

Ho, ho, ho.

No. No.

I'm the ghost of Christmas past, and it has come to my attention that you have

not installed a high -tech gas furnace.

For this, Vernon, you will pay.

Know what I mean.

Hey, Vern, wake up, Vern. It's Christmas morning. Merry Christmas, Vern. Vern,

there's a big hole in your roof, and there's reindeer all over the house,

Vern, do you have a big pooper scooper?

Okay, Vern, let me explain this again.

Sneaky old Mr. Stalemus tries to get into this bag of guys' potato chips to

out all the freshness.

That's why guys came up with this new stay -fresh peel -and -seal strip. You

just eat here, and peel here, and seal here.

Uh -oh.

It's sneaky old Mr. Stalemus again.

getting in shape for my big bowling tournament next week. That's why I'm

training on Cream Weaver Highland Cottage Cheese.

It's got your protein.

It's got your calcium.

It's got your primo taste. We are talking endurance insurance.

Know what I mean?

Yes, sir, Vern. It won't be long before I'm a lean, mean bowling machine. Know

what I mean?

Hey, Vern, it's about time you got home. Your old buddy Ernest has got to catch

a ride down to First Federal Savings. Buddy, they have got everything.

They've got your fast lines.

They've got your friendly folks.

Nice moo -moo, Mrs. Johnson.

They've got your automatic teller machine.

And they've got my checking account.

And they'll even help me, Vernon, if I'm a little short.

We gotta kill them, Vern.

Wipe them out.

Nip them in the bud and make them scream.

We gotta get Dallas clean.

It's a war on weeds, Vern.

A war on weeds.

They're in your yard.

They're in the alley.

They should be on your mind.

It's a war on weeds.

We gotta weed them out.

Go ahead.

Make mud.

the hospital. Sure rough duty, huh?

Well, thank goodness MASH comes on every weeknight on WDBJ7, your hometown

station, with Hawkeye and Hot Lips and the whole gang. What a ride, huh?

You know, Vern, if I can swing it, I'm gonna try to come down here every night

and watch MASH with you. Don't that sound like fun?

Let's see your chart here, Vern.

Hey, Vern, it says here that you're getting 50 depositories a day.

Where are you putting them things anyway?

Well, Vern, you missed News 7. While you were out here piddling around with this

old bureau, News 7's bureaus were filing reports from hometowns all over the old

dominion. From the Western Virginia Bureau, from the Central Virginia

and their Richmond Bureau keeps me constantly covered in our Commonwealth's

capital. They're your hometown station, Vern. They got you covered.

That's all.

Well, I don't know, Vern. It kind of looks kind of arty, don't it?

Vernon. Vernon.

Hey, Vernon.

Hey, Vernon.

Vernon. Vernon, I'm trapped in here with all this purity ice cream.

Don't send help. Know what I mean?

Vernon.

Vernon, you forgot your mop, Vernon. Vernon.

Hey, Vernon.

Vernon.

Vernon.

Look what I found in my daddy's closet.

You know, I bet you this is from the big ones. You know, WWII.

Boy, I bet them were some great times. I know, because I never miss Hogan's

Heroes on WDBJ7.

You know, with Schultz and Hogan and Commandant Clink.

Hogan's Heroes.

Weekdays on your hometown station.

You know, Vern, this must be some kind of a cigarette lighter.

Thank you, Doc.

Hey, Vern, looks like you're turning into quite a little shopper. Look at

cassavas. But, Vern, them diet colas you got are flatter than a pancake and

sweet. Ooh.

Tab is different, Vern. It don't have near as much NutraSweet as them other

colas, and with just one refreshing calorie, Tab should make up for this

walnut cream cake with the...

Double fudge center.

Lighten up, Vern. Know what I mean?

Hey, Vern.

It's rich.

It's creamy.

It's Purity's Premium Ice Cream in eight delicious flavors.

Don't forget, Vern.

This is Purity's Premium Ice Cream.

And these, Vern, are surely, truly happy tips.

Know what I mean?

Hey,

Vern, look down the pier. You know who that is? That's Channel 5's Dave Brown,

the Valley Sports Pro.

Vern, he's the best in all the Valley sports, and the big -time sports, too.

Know what I mean?

But when it comes to fishing, Dave's a rookie, because, Vern, fishing ain't a

sport. Fishing is a art. Know what I mean?

Big fish, big bait. Know what I mean?

Boy,

Vern, you sure got a lot of stale old stuff down here.

I'm going to stockpile this place with my personal favorite, Vern, the price.

Yeah, Vern, grapes are out and limons are in. Know what I mean?

First, you must let it breathe.

Enough. Here, Vern, sample the clear taste of Sprite.

Presumptuously tart, yet playfully demure.

Know what I mean?

Dear Channel 5, Vern and me watch Eyewitness News every night.

That Peter Torgerson is a real pro.

Do you think I could have the name of his barber?

And Jane Weaver.

What a reporter.

I just love her.

And when she's on eyewitness news, my heart skips a beat.

Love, Ernest.

Know what I mean?

Vern, your old buddy Ernest is going to bike down to Sally's Food Store to do a

little grub grabbing.

You know, Vern, Sally's is beating or matching every major advertised price in

town at all three convenient locations.

They're right here in the neighborhood, Vern, so I can save some cash and be

back in a flash.

You need anything, Vern? Because the Sally's shuttle is now leaving.

Sally's Food Store, Vern, where the savings are in the bag, not in your

know what I mean?

Boy, Vern, this Crime Stopper segment on 24 Action News has really been a big

help to Austin, know what I mean? They offer a reward and everything.

Wait a minute, Vern. Where were you last Thursday night?

Weren't you wearing a pink beret and rubber shoes?

I'm sorry, Vern, it's for your good.

Crime Stopper 472 -TIPS.

Boy, Vern, Crime Stopping's a thankless job.

But somebody's got to do it.

Know what I mean?

Hey,

Vern. I have become a master of ventriloquism.

I'm going to drink from this glass of water whilst Bobo here talks.

We offer for your approval this outstanding selection of gifts from

Federal Savings. They're practical, priceless, and free to our customers.

Because that's the way we do it in the zone.

How do you know that?

No, Bobo. I get the gift. You're just the dummy.

Okay, okay. I'm the dummy. You get the gift.

Hey,

Vern.

Cataloging the old rare stamp collection, eh?

Boy, now that's a good investment.

Kind of like my money market account at first, better.

Not only do I get high interest rates, but I got my choice of a free G .E .T

.V., Weber grill, and a whole lot of other stuff.

Of course, I chose my personal favorite, this Hoover vacuum cleaner.

Free, Vern. Boy, it sure does suck them up.

Well, Vern, you should have had them glued down. Know what I mean?

You know, Vern, on these hallowed walls hang the very people that shaped and

sculpted my worldview.

The people who made me the very person I am today.

There was Pop, and Ma, and David Crockett, and Abe Lincoln, and Ron

and Bill Biasa, and who can forget Jan Carson?

And you know, I think Ron, Bill, and Jan have had the most influence on my life,

Vern. Because they're on the TV.

Channel 2 News, know what I mean?

Yeah, Vern, I keep up.

I'm paced with the heartbeat of the entire low country.

News 4 is on your side, beaming current events back to your old buddy, Ernest.

Yeah, they're on your side, east of the Cooper.

In Charleston and North Charleston. In Somerville and Goose Creek.

News 4 is mobile whilst I remain immobile.

Any closer to easy street, Vern? And I'd have to change my zip code.

Two.

Three. Looking tired, Vern.

Better knock off for lunch. Look what your old buddy Ernest brought you, Vern.

Some MarvaMade Slendow 2 % low -fat milk.

The fresher one, Vern. Made right here at home by your nearby MarvaMade

It gets you high moving, moving, moving, moving, moving, moving, moving, moving.

MarvaMade. MarvaMade Slendow 2 % low -fat milk.

Terrific taste, Vern, and absolutely perfect for us.

Hell, you know what I mean?

High moving, moving, moving, moving, moving, moving, moving, moving.

Big fun, Vernon. At the Ernest T. Worrell annual only once a year fish

tradition, Vernon.

Just like pine steak buttermilk. I like it in my batter. I like it on my slaw.

I like it in my dressing.

And I love it in my hushpuckers. Mmm, mmm, mmm.

I like it straight, too.

Know what I mean?

Hey, Vern, I see you brought the young 'uns in for a double dip of that Brahms

ice cream.

They're humongous, ain't they? And big, too.

Let the Werners help, okay? Now, let's see. Who got the vanilla?

Who got the butter pecan?

And who got the strawberry?

And, Vern, I bet you got the chocolate.

Don't you want yours, Vern?

Well, pay the lady.

Hey, Vern.

Let's go bowling for the buddies in Nashville, Vern.

It's for a good cause.

And every bowling alley in Nashville is going to participate February 12th

through the 26th.

A lot of fun, Vern, and a lot of prizes.

So if you've got any spare time, let's split in pounds and pins. What do you

say?

Uh -oh.

Did you hear the doorbell, Vern?

Hey, Vern, where's that wife of yours with that pizza pie?

You know, I bet she's having trouble with that old hunk of junk you drive.

Should have talked to your old buddy Ernest first, know what I mean?

Then you'd have you a classy new car from Stingers Ford.

Where is that woman with that pizza pie?

Yeah, there's nothing like a classy new car from Stingers Ford and a good hot

pizza pie.

Vern, what's these dead men are doing on my pizza pie?

You trying to kill us all, walking around all the time with that weed

out of your mouth?

Don't you know how deadly that thing is?

You're just asking for a case of the big C, cancer city, chemotherapy hotel.

I care about you, Vern.

That's why I'm warning you. You better give up them cigarettes, buddy, or the

groundhogs will be bringing you your mail. Know what I mean?

Oh, hi, Vern.

Uh, is this your piggy bank?

Well, I was just trying to make sure you gave your fair share to the United Way,

Vern. Because I know how tight you are.

We've all got to give our fair share, Vern. And I'll bet your fair share is

right in that piggy bank.

Oh, I wasn't really going to break it. Here.

Look what mean old Mr.

Gravity did.

It's me, Vern, the old buddy Ernest. And look, I got everything ready for our

big camp out in your backyard.

See, I got everything.

Every delicious flavor of trout fruit drink. Because I know it's your favorite

and you don't want to be without it. I got your orange, got your grape, got

jungle juice, and got your lemonade.

I didn't remember everything, Vern. I didn't remember pest control. Did you

remember pest control?

Hey, Byrne, I see you having one of them fancy parties.

Gonna have all your friends walking around talking big and acting rich.

And speaking of rich, Byrne, has that radio advertising convinced these big

-time entrepreneurs to invest with you?

You know, Byrne, a bank ain't the only place to put your money. And you know

what they say about banks and their preferred rates?

You might prefer them, but you ain't gonna get them. Know what I mean?

But with Kemper, there's lots of ways for people to get bigger returns on

money. And that means megabucks in your pocket, Vern. Know what I mean?

And Vern, since I opened my IRA with you, next month, we'll do this at my

Know what I mean?

Superb. I

guess

you figured out.

that my own special interest group, Purity Lovers, has rallied in support of

Ernest P. Worrell, for president.

And when I'm living in the White House, Vern, my cabinet will be full of those

guaranteed purity products.

And speaking of living in the White House, Vern, I think I'll get Ronnie on

horn and find out where that fuse box is, or if there's any septic tank

or anything like that.

Hail to the chief, he's your buddy and your neighbor.

Faster, faster.

Boy, Vern, these family techniques are a whole bunch of fun, aren't they?

It's a good thing there was a shop a minute close by, too, because I had to

get more soft drinks and weenies, know what I mean? Boy, that shop a minute has

everything, Vern. I mean everything.

You know the old saying, there ain't no limit at shop a minute.

You know, Vern, all of a sudden, I don't feel so good.

Happy Pine State to you.

Happy Pine State to you.

Happy Pine State, dear Vernon.

Happy Pine State to you.

Happy Pine State to you.

Hey, Bernie.

Thanks for saving me a seat.

I love these Brahms hamburgers. Did you see her fix these Brahms hamburgers? She

made them just the way I liked them. Cooked them one at a time. All the

None of them conveyor belts.

No automatic burger machines. None of that factory stuff.

Just a real hamburger made by a real human being.

What'll they think of next?

How do you like my new pick -em -up truck, ain't you, honey?

You know what that is, Vern? That is a Stingers Ford pick -em -up truck.

It's got your heavy -duty rear suspension.

It's got your twin I -beam front suspension.

And it's America's number one best -selling pick -em -up. And you can save

much scratch down there at Stingers, Vern, that you can afford to invest in

of these objecto de artos. Comprendo?

Look at it, Vern.

Look at it.

Oh, hi, Vern.

You know, Vern, entertainment is very important to us as human beings.

That's why I've invented this nuclear TV.

When I'm through, Vernon, I'll be able to tap TV 24's Elvira, mischief of the

dark, temptress of the night, right into my own living room, in person, in

the flesh.

Elvira's where it's at, Vern. Know what I mean?

You know what? Purity has really done it now, buddy.

Purity milk now comes in a solid yellow jug that keeps light out. And you know

what light does to the flavor of milk.

See, it's your solid yellow jug protects that fresh Purity taste, Vernon. So get

Purity's new solid yellow jug, and then it won't matter, Vernon, how long your

fridge light stays on.

It does stay on, doesn't it?

Yeah, it does.

You know, Vern, Thanksgiving is the time of year when we should all be thankful

for the things we have in life.

Like an all -natural gas home.

A gas home, Vern, that keeps us warm and cozy all winter long at such a low, low

cost.

Yeah, Vern, I'm thankful for natural gas.

Shall I, Carl?

What'll it be, Vern? Light or dark?

Guess who, Vern?

Guess who?

It's me, Vern. The old buddy Ernest. And look what I brought you, Vern. Some

delicious purity chocolate milk. And it's the real thing, Vern. None of that

fake stuff. It's the real deal.

Made with real chocolate and whole sweet purity milk.

You know what, Vern?

It's just exactly like Mom used to make.

You know what I mean?

Happy Easter, Vern. I like to eat the eyes first.

Yeah, Vern, I've been wrong.

But I see the error of my ways.

Maybe it was just too many bad jalapenos.

But now I see the light, Vern, and it's on Channel 4.

With Wednesday's child.

And Telepol. And Call 4.

And that News 4 News team. And now, Vern, 4's got me forever. And now, Vern,

switching you to 4.

Forever. You hear me, Vern? Forever.

Forever.

Forever, Vern.

Hey, Vern.

Let your old buddy Ernest serve you an ice cold pine state fruit drink. It's

only $5, Vern.

Come on, this is real pine state fruit drink, Vern.

Frothy, cold, and good.

I got your orange, got your grape, got your fruit punch, got your lemonade,

Vern. Just five dollars a glass. Come on, this stuff is so good, it ought to

ten dollars a glass.

I know what they charge for it in the store, Vern.

Now he's got to make a little profit, don't he? Know what I mean?

Hey, Vern.

Working on the old tom -tom, eh? Should talk to old Werner's first, know what I

mean? You know what you need, Vernon?

Some Pine State sweet acidophilus milk.

Sweet acidophilus will help you digest them. That junk food is a fine dog.

And besides that, it's low -fat.

We're talking minute caloric intake, Vernon. Pine State sweet acidophilus

is as good for you inside as it is for you outside.

Vernon? You okay, Vernon?

Hey, Vern, I guess you know who that is.

That's Rick Diaz, the eyewitness news director.

He heads the Valley's number one news team.

He's one of Channel 5's finest and a close personal friend of mine. I suppose

you'd love to meet Rick.

Hey, Rick, baby, what's happening?

Hey, Vern, good to see you. How you doing? Good to see you again.

Hey, Rick, you're magic. Don't ever change.

We'll do lunch at Padre.

Oh, hi, Vern.

I was just practicing my hula -bula dance. In case I win big in the bottoms

instant win game at Convenient Food Mart. It's easy, Vern. All you gotta do

peel the seal on the bottom of your cup to see what you want. You can win candy

and snacks and chips, big bucks, and one of five big trips to Hawaii.

Let's see what you want.

I know.

Well, hey, Vern, what is that?

Is that one of them new Brahms country fried steak sandwiches?

Yeah, it is.

They are good, aren't they?

A real Brahms country fried steak sandwich with tomatoes and lettuce and

works.

How's them fries?

Hold still, Vern. This won't hurt a bit.

You know, Vern, I've been watching Dr. Red Duke on 24 Action News Health Watch,

and that Dr. Red Duke really knows his stuff. Know what I mean? He has taught

so much about staying healthy and keeping in shape that I feel confident,

in performing a little minor surgery.

Now, this will only sting for a second.

But either. Vern?

Vern? Vern? Looks like you need some mouth -to -mouth resignation.

Now, hold your tongue down.

Cooking out again, eh?

Are you crazy, man?

Didn't you hear Robin Reid's pinpoint weather forecast on News 7? That Robin's

got him a computer, Vernon.

The man is wired for weather.

Didn't you hear Robin say that it was going to rain any second?

We are talking pinpoint, Vernon.

Next time, talk to your old buddy Ernest first, know what I mean?

Leave them hot dogs about ready, Vernon.

67. Oh, hi, Vern.

Just getting in shape.

You know it's important to stay in shape, Vern.

That's why I always eat plenty of these Country Fresh Light goodies, like

cottage cheese and yogurt.

Yeah, Vern, Country Fresh Light keeps me in such good condition that I can do

just about anything.

Country Fresh Light keeps you living right, know what I mean?

One.

Hey, Vernon.

Look here, buddy. Have you given your fair share to the United Way?

You got to give your fair share, Vernon, because if you don't pitch in your part

and I don't pitch in my part, these poor people won't have a part to pitch in.

Get earnest about the United Way. You know what I mean, Vernon?

Happy Valentine's Day, Vern.

Happy Valentine's Day Vern, hand me that caramel.

Be mine Vern, hand me that caramel.

Happy Valentine's Day Vern, hand me that caramel.

Happy Valentine's Day Vern, hand me that caramel.

Happy Valentine's Day. Be mine, Vern.

Marvel turkey ham, Vern.

Just think of what you can do with it when you think of it as meat. Know what

mean?

Marvel turkey, Vern.

Just think of what you can do with it, Vern, when you think of it as meat. Know

what I mean?

Marvelle turkey, Vern.

Squeeze your tomatoes, trust Robert's for your dairy products, and answer the

phone. Hello? And Vern, don't forget.

Hey Vern, looks like you're turning into quite the little shopper.

And enjoy the show because these new TV commercials running...

...are just

like warts.

From Sinton.

Oh, that's hearty. I love that. Cheery crisp.

Quality check.

I mean, I guess.

It's just exactly... like my... like my...

That'll save you up to 30%, Vern.

Uh -huh. You know what you need, Vern? That's what I need. New gas high -tech

furnaces.

A high -tech gas furnace.

Or a furnace that's high -tech and runs on gas.

Or a gas high tech.

I'm coming.

Because Marvin made farmers.

And the Marvin made dairy.

And Vern, don't forget to bump your melon and pick up your phone.

My bowling hand, Vern.

Too late.

Get blown it.

rate can't go down you can't never your rate never goes down

62 country w

s

u n a m that's what you should be

watching you fool

I just wanted to reset you along so you wouldn't miss that big sailing boy down

at Fingers Ford.

I'm a

bad dream.

Here I am again.

I'm that meatloaf.

The line is... Pancakes on parade.

Pancakes on parade.

Because your old buddy Ernest is making you his world -famous recipe.

Pancakes on parade.

Because here it comes.

You can save even more money.

Call B &G.

Call them.

Call them whatever you want to call them. Let's get through this

Missing out on big energy savings.

Swap that old heat pump for it.

Or a new.

You can get them this week, Vern.

Just for buying an in -stock car or truck or... Gosh.

Can you buy a duck?

Yeah, you can get a duck.

Pretty good. But you don't get the VCR with a duck. What do you get with a

Gravy you get with a duck.

Orange stock.

Okay?

That's not very funny.

Now this.