All language subtitles for The Bob Newhart Show s06e12 Twas the Pie Before Christmas.eng

Coming. Oh, Bob, you got the tree.

Where do you want me to put it?

Somewhere out of sight.

No, I know it isn't as pretty as last
year's tree.

Looks like it is last year's tree.

Bob, is that the best tree you could
find?

Well, Emily, I went to this lot, and
there was a lot of, you know, big,

bushy trees, but this little guy was
over in the corner, and he said to me,

Hartley, if you don't take me home,
nobody will this Christmas.

Oh, honey, you have always been a sucker
for the runt and the litter and the

skinny little ways that nobody else
wants.

That's what my mother said at our
wedding.

Yours, too?

parents called. They're having a
terrific time. They said Christmas in

is everything they hoped it would be.

Yeah, my mother's always had this
fantasy about waking up Christmas Day

tan.

Yeah, this is going to be the first
Christmas without the family. It's going

seem kind of lonely.

A lot of people spend Christmas alone.
Jerry does his laundry on Christmas Day.

His laundry?

How sad.

He thinks it's great. He says you don't
have to wait for the dryers.

Hey, Bob, you know, I just got a great
idea.

Why don't we give a party on Christmas
Day? I mean, think of all the people we

know who are alone at Christmas. You
know, Jerry and Howard and Mrs.

Mr. Carlin.

Well, Emily, it's a good idea, but I
don't think the group would come. You

they get kind of depressed around
Christmas time.

Mr. Carlin's the only man that thinks
Christmas isn't commercial enough.

Makes you warm all over.

Listen, Bob, maybe the group would feel
better if they didn't have to spend

Christmas alone.

All right, we'll have a party. Oh,
honey, that's great.

wrong, Howard?

Well, I got you one up in Maine. You
know the timber country?

Oh, Howard, that's so thoughtful of you.

Well, Howard, we'd love to see it.

Okay.

The tree is in here?

Yeah, that's the finest quality
aluminum. That's a favorite among the

lumberjacks.

Don't lumberjacks use real trees at
Christmas time?

Are you kidding? They see real trees all
the time.

You don't want to come home and see a
thing like that. That'd be like Bob

home and... Seeing a loony in his house.

I see your point, Howard.

Excuse me.

Hi, Bob.

Hi, Howard. Hi, Emily. Oh, hi, dear.

So, what's doing?

Oh, we're just about to put some
ornaments on our tree.

Better put some branches on it first.

Say, listen.

While I got both you guys here, how
about you coming to our party on

Eve?

What date does Christmas fall on this
year?

The 25th, I think.

That late, huh?

Howard, you fly upside down a lot?

Don't be silly. I'd get coffee all over
the ceiling.

What about it, Cleary? Can you come to
our party?

Well, I don't know. It'll really cut
into my laundry schedule.

I guess I can fit it in. Great.

Yeah, we appreciate the sacrifice,
Jerry.

I get kind of sentimental this time of
year, you know.

Listen, Bob, I got some tickets to the
hockey game tonight. You want to come

along?

No, I think Emily and I are going to
decorate the tree.

Jerry, I'd like to go to the hockey game
with you.

Oh, yeah, Howard.

Look, you know anything about hockey? If
there's one thing I hate, it's having

to answer a lot of dumb questions all
night, you know. Hey, don't worry about

me. I know hockey backwards and
forwards.

I mean, hockey's my middle name.

Okay, let's go, pal.

Who's pitching?

Carol, you know what you're looking at?

A hockey puck. But what's that black
thing in your hand?

This is the actual puck used in the
actual game last night between the

Blackhawks and the Flyers. This puck was
hidden in the stands. I caught it. Had

it autographed personally in the locker
room by Stan Mikita.

I don't see anything.

Just as well, he has a lousy signature.

Gary, that is really great.

Well, I'm glad you know enough about
hockey to be impressed.

You know, there's something I've always
wanted about hockey.

How do you get that big chunk of ice
through the door?

See, rotten guy, give me back my puck.

Oh, it's not your puck. I caught it.
It's mine.

Well, I touched it first.

You didn't touch it. It hit you in the
head.

Yeah, thank God I got my hand out of the
way in time.

interesting as this argument's gonna
get.

You know, children give that back to me.
I mean, he took it from me. I didn't

take it from him. It ricocheted off his
forehead.

He didn't even stop eating his popcorn.

It didn't hit me in the mouth.

I mean, I deserve it. I mean, I suffered
the wound.

Your band -aid's on the wrong side.

No, it's not.

The sticky side always goes against the
skin.

This is my puck.

I'm keeping it, Mr.

Borden. It's Howard to you.

Why are you so upset, Howard? You're not
even a hockey fan.

Well, it's important to me. I want to
show my grandkids that puck someday and

say, that puck hit their granddaddy in
the head.

Well, I'm sure that'll answer a lot of
their questions.

Well, I'm glad you're on my side.

Nice sentiments exactly, Howard.

Morning, Carol.

Don't you even want to know what he was
doing here?

I learned a long time ago never to try
to find out what Howard's doing.

Good policy, Bob. Your group's waiting.

Oh, good. Any messages?

No, but your stuff came from the
printers.

Oh.

Christmas card came out nice, huh? Yeah.
And they printed up your rate increase

forms, too.

Oh, those.

Do you want me to mail them out today,
Bob?

No, no, the group just gets depressed
enough around Christmas time. I don't

them to know I'm raising their rates.

Do you really have to do that, Bob?

Well, it's either that or cut my
overhead.

Lay off the secretary.

Oh, gouge the suckers.

Maybe I'll give them their Christmas
cards. That may cheer them up a little

We wish you a Merry Christmas. We wish
you a Merry Christmas. We wish you a

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

That's the right place.

Merry Christmas, Dr. Hartley. Doesn't
Christmas make you happy all over?

Well, it makes me happy that you're so
happy. Isn't that nice?

I'm happy because Doris is recovering
nicely.

Well, what happened?

She's in the hospital with a hernia.

That's too bad.

She got it when she had to change a flat
tire. She got a hernia changing a flat

tire? She didn't use a jack.

I'm in a wonderful mood. I have finally
been assigned to the express checkout

line at my store.

Nine items are left and cut the gab. The
speed is intoxicating.

We're all very proud of you. Do you know
that at full speed, the conveyor belt

will put a cassava melon right through
the front window?

It's frightening.

And I have other news.

I have a new boyfriend.

Isn't that nice? He's not much of a
looker. You know, magazine cover

Beckerman.

Mr. Carlin, remember, you're supposed to
be in the Christmas spirit.

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, Beckerman.

Merry Christmas.

Mr. Carlin, what put you on such a
joyous mood?

Well, something happened to me last week
that made me think of Christmas in a

whole new light.

Tell us all about it. I got a lot of
reason to be thankful.

My father just recovered from a very
serious illness.

That's wonderful news.

He never would have made it if it
weren't for that blood I sold him.

Well, that's what Christmas is all
about.

Well, speaking of Christmas, I'd like to
invite you to a party at my house on

Christmas Day. Oh, what a wonderful...
What a wonderful man you are, Dr.

Hartley. And what a wonderful time that
will be.

Do I have to bring a gift?

No, you've given enough, Mr. Crowley.

Hey, what you got in your hand, Dr.
Hartley?

Oh, these are your Christmas cards. I
may as well give them to you right now.

Oh, thank you.

Thanks.

Aren't they beautiful?

Excuse me, Dr.

Hartley, could I see you in the outer
office? It's very urgent.

Sure. Excuse me just a minute.

The... printer made a tiny mistake on
your Christmas cards.

What mistake?

A joyous holiday and happy new year.

Effective January 1st.

Fees will be raised 10%. You know well.

They printed the rate increase notices
inside the Christmas cards.

Better get in there before they open
their cards.

We wish you a lousy Christmas.

For me, New Year.

Sort of catchy, huh?

You know, this is the first year that
the group was feeling good about

Christmas, and then Carol ruined it.

Well, I'm not sure it's all Carol's
fault, Bob.

Emily, she should have checked those
cards. I mean, I have a right to be mad

her. How mad did you get?

Remember how mad I got when I decided to
fix the plumbing underneath the sink

and you accidentally turned on the
water?

Oh, yeah, I remember that.

Double it. Oh.

Maybe I got...

I got mad at Carol because I had to
raise my rates.

Oh, Bob, don't feel bad. You haven't
raised your rates in years.

Besides, you're still charging less than
other psychologists.

Yeah, you're right.

Well, have you explained that to your
group?

They were too busy making up nasty
Christmas carols.

Should have heard what they did with
chestnuts roasting on an open fire.

Want me to leave?

Can she be trusted?

I'd like to think so.

Are you still mad because I raised my
rates?

Well, I was at first.

I was furious with you.

I was going to stand up to you like a
man, give you a piece of my mind, and

you who you're messing with.

What made you change your mind?

I was afraid you'd be mad at me.

Mr. Peterson, what is this all about?

Dr. Hartley, Mrs. Hartley, before I say
anything, you've got to promise you

won't leave this room.

You did not hear this from me. I did not
come here tonight. You've never met me

before.

Whatever you say, stranger.

Mr. Carlin is really upset about your
rate increase.

He's put out a contract for a hitman to
get you.

You're kidding.

After the session today, Carlin called
an organization named Pi Incorporated.

For a slight fee, they hit people in the
face with a pie.

I've heard about those organizations.

Should have guessed Mr. Carlin was a
customer. Customer?

He's got a revolving charge account.

Okay, laugh if you want, but you're a
marked man.

Now, don't tell Carlin I squealed.

You know what he'd do to me?

Banana cream.

Mr. Carlin has gone too far this time.

Well, believe it or not, this doesn't
upset me. I mean, at least it's a

harmless outlet for Mr. Carlin's
hostilities.

Besides, you can't hit what you can't
catch.

Well, it's off my conscience now.

Thanks for the warning, Peterson.

That's okay, Dr.

Hartley. I just didn't want to see you
get hurt.

I'll get it.

It's for you.

Good morning, Carol. Good morning, Dr.
Hartley.

How are you?

Fine, thank you.

Good.

Uh, Carol, why don't we forget about
that little fight we had yesterday?

You know, bury the hat.

I hold no grudges.

Good, because now we're acting like two
mature adults.

Yes, we are.

Bob, you got a minute to talk?

No, I don't, Jerry. That's okay. I just
want you to listen.

Bob, I'm not coming to your Christmas
party.

Oh, sorry to hear that, Jerry.

I just can't be around Howard Borden.
The man is petty, stupid, and deceitful.

Well, that doesn't mean he can't be fun
at parties.

Jerry, you and Howard aren't still
fighting over that silly hockey puck,

you? Yeah, I'm afraid it's blown into
something much bigger than that, Bob. We

got together last night to talk this
thing through, and the stupid jerk

calling me names, the imbecile.

Jerry, why don't you break down and just
buy a hockey puck? You are missing the

point, Bob. That puck is authentic. It
was used in a game. It's autographed.

It's priceless.

I'm just sorry I can't come to your
party.

Excuse me so very much, Dr. Hartley, but
I do have some messages for you.

Mr. Peterson called and said he can't
come to your party because Mr.

Carlin found out he squealed. He's
afraid Carlin will get him.

Mr. Carlin called and said he wouldn't
be caught dead at your party.

Howard Borden called and said he'd come
to your party when the North Pole

freezes over.

I don't think he has a complete grasp of
that expression.

Mrs. Bakerman called to say thanks, but
no thanks to your party. And I'm not

coming to your party because I'd
probably be blamed for ruining your

Merry Christmas.

How are you and Emily getting along?

You know, Jerry, I'm starting to learn
the true meaning of humbug.

Why is your group so mad at you?

I raise my rates.

At Christmas time, Bob? Nice timing.

It was a mistake, Jerry. Now, Mr.
Carlin's mad at me, and he hired a guy

me with a pie in the face.

A pie?

That's funny, pal. I just hope that I'm
here when it happens.

Where's Howard when you need him?

I just thought you would call the
caterer when you knew nobody was coming.

Emily, the food was your part of the
party.

Oh, Bob, I just thought you would
naturally think to do it.

Well, I didn't think to do it because I
thought you did. Oh, come on, Bob. All

right, all right, Emily, let's not get
in a fight.

You're all I got left.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

According to my new Christmas watch,
which you just got me, the party would

starting just about now.

Oh, Bob, forget about the party.

I mean, who needs all those people
around? We can have a perfectly nice

Christmas just alone, the two of us.

Yeah, we'll have a... We'll have a great
Christmas.

Well, you want to turn in?

The party will be going real strong
around now.

Just about this time, we'd be toasting
all our friends, if we had any.

Bob, Bob, now, if that's a pie, just
remember to duck.

Oh, hi.

Hi, Carol.

Hi, boss.

I thought you weren't coming.

Well, I was taking a ride in your
elevator, and it stopped at your floor.

Carol, where's Larry?

Oh, he snowed in in some dumpy ski
resort in Switzerland.

Oh, the poor devil.

Bob, I am sorry about the Christmas
cards. It was all my fault.

No, Carol, I should have checked the
cards myself.

Then it was all your fault.

Don't push your luck.

Forgive me?

Forgive you.

Come on in. There's something to eat.
I'll take your coat. Thank you.

Hi, Dr. Hartley. Hi, Mrs. Hartley. Hi,
Carol. Hi.

Mr. Peterson, I thought you weren't
coming.

Well, I wasn't. But then I heard Carlin
wasn't coming, so I thought I'd be safe.

If he does show up, I'll run out the
back way.

There is no back way.

I'll make one.

Well, we're awfully glad you decided to
come. Would you like something to eat?

Oh, I sure would.

Great. Have a side of beef. And here's a
Christmas gift for you.

Christmas flowers?

Oh, they're lovely.

They look the same as the ones we sent
to Doris in the hospital.

Well, they are the same. All the stores
were closed.

Well, it's better to give than receive.

In this case, it's the same thing.

I'll put them in water. Why don't you
just put your coat over there?

Jean, Mr. Peterson, I'm sorry we don't
have a Christmas present for you.

Oh, Dr.

Hartley, Doris under sedation is
Christmas enough.

Sorry about your tree.

Hi, Bob.

Oh, hi, Carol.

Oh, hi, Mr. Peterson. Hi, Emily.

Am I too late for the party?

I thought you weren't coming.

Well, I was going to stay home. I was
mad. I mean, I was really mad.

But then I decided to come to Bob and
Emily's party.

Oh, Howard, you got the Christmas
spirit, huh?

Oh, I forgot what I was mad about.

Oh, well, you see, you and... Emily.

Well, Howard, come on in and have some
food.

Is this all there is?

Merry Christmas, Mr. Borden.

Oh, well, thank you, Mr. Peterson.

Hi, Mrs. Bigman. I thought you weren't
coming.

Well, Dr. Hartley, I decided that you
have to raise your rates now and then.

You're good for us, and you deserve it.

Well, thank you.

How come you didn't bring your gentleman
friend along with you? I did.

He's downstairs parking the car.

He has a beautiful set of wheels.

And his car isn't bad either.

That's a good one, Mrs. Baker.

This is your gift, Dr. Hartley. The
stores were all closed, so I went by the

supermarket and I picked out this week's
special for you. It's a Charlie's

Angels luncheon bucket.

Oh, very nice. You don't already have
one, do you?

You can never have too many.

Well, why don't you... Join the party.
Have some food.

Let me take your clothes. Oh, thank you,
Emily.

And a Merry Christmas to you.

Or is this food?

Personally, I think it's a free food.

Ah, great, Brother Henley.

Where's Borden?

I just remembered why I didn't want to
be here.

I've been looking for you, Borden.

Well, I'm right here, Robinson.

I want to settle this thing once and for
all. So do I, Robinson.

Well, good.

Dr. Hartley, you've got to stop them. I
hate fighting.

It's going to be hard to pick a favorite
in this one.

Look, you two, don't you think you've...
Gone just a bit too far? You can't go a

bit too far with a blithering idiot.

Yeah, I haven't blithered in months.

Look, Howard, I've stood about all I
can.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Oh, yeah? Hold it, hold it. I
think I see a trend developing here.

Look, you two realize how ridiculous you
look? I mean, you're acting like

children.

Matter of fact, we've all acted like
children in the last couple days,

myself.

This is Christmas Day. Can't you just...

Push aside whatever differences you have
and be friends?

Listen to the man.

He's a doctor.

What did you want that stupid puck for
anyway?

I was going to give it to my son for
Christmas.

Why didn't you tell me that? Here, wish
him a Merry Christmas for me. Well,

Merry Christmas, sir.

Now, that's better.

That's beautiful.

Let's all sing Deck the Halls.

Deck the halls with boughs of holly.

Okay,

hold it, everybody!

Hold it!

Okay, stupid, twice you hit the wrong
person. All right, there can be any more

slip -ups, stupid.

This is Robert Hartley! Okay, stupid,
hit him!

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