All language subtitles for Sisters (2015) Unrated (1080p BluRay x265 afm72)_Subtítulos01.ENG-eng

You scored yourself
a nice corner. Good job.

Hi. I'm Maura Ellis.

I'm not part
of a religious group
or anything.

I'm just a nurse
who likes to give back
on her days off.

You know, when you're
living outdoors,

skin cancer
is a real concern.

So I got you
some sunscreen,

and you, my friend,
have some irregular moles.

You're a very
friendly person.

Wanna come to my house
and take a shower?

Maybe make
a list of goals?

Oh, I have a girlfriend.

Great. It's important
to have a lady
out there in the street.

What do you call it,
a road bitch or something?

Her name's Karen.

Your little mama?
Your street wife?

(SIGHS) Anyway,

I'm pretty good
with sayings,

so I make these cards
for my sister, but I think
maybe you could use one.

Without the dark night,
we would never see
the bright stars.

Is this from Twilight?

No, I made it up.

Mmm, no, you didn't.

Yeah, I did.

See you later.

Wait.

Wait a minute.

Hey!

You're not homeless?

You were on a roll.

Well, give me back
the sunscreen

so I can give it
to an actual homeless person!

Like this lady.

Fuck off!
I'm the manager here.

0 for 2.

MAURA: Polenta!
Come get your dinner.

(LAPTOP RINGING)

Mom?

Hi. Can you hear me?
(MEOWING)

BUCKY: Hiya, kid.
What are you up to today?

Dad, come in front
of the camera
so I can see you.

DEANNA: How are things
at the hospital, honey?

We heard that Atlanta
had a terrible storm.

Garage sale.
Okay.

Can you guys both sit
in front of the camera
when you talk

so that I can see you
and hear you
at the same time?

We don't get
this Skype crap.
There's nothing to get.

You're doing it.
DEANNA: Maura,

we have some news.

Maura, we have some news.

Oh, my God. Who's sick?
BUCKY: Oh, for cry-eye, Maura.

Relax!

We decided

to sell the house.

Yeah, okay. Funny joke.
What's the news?

We are.
We're selling it.

The one we grew up in?

Are you selling it
to each other?

No, honey.

Why would you do that?
DEANNA: We don't
want it anymore.

It's too big.
Look, if this
is some kind

of financial thing,
I can help you out
with money.

DEANNA: No, honey.

All we need you to do
is to come and clean out
your bedroom

because it's
a bottomless pit.

Okay. I can come.
Just don't make a move
until I get there.

Does Kate know about this?

BUCKY: We haven't
told her yet.

You two take news
so differently.

We wondered if maybe

you should tell her.

Because we don't want to.

Why do I always
have to be the one?

Oh, shit.

I think you guys froze.
Hold on. Can you hear me?

Hello?

You're blinking.
You're fake freezing.

Unbelievable.
Just call her.
You're her parents.

(SNEEZES)

Dad! Let it go.

KATE: See,
where most stylists blow it
is they color your hair

but they leave
your Santa eyebrows.
Hmm.

They half-ass it,
but I'm a perfectionist.

Thank you.

So why are we covering
this gray today, Phil?

Well, I have a date
with an engaging new gal,
somewhat younger than me.

Good for you,
because ladies your age
are gross, right?

Well, I just hope
it looks natural.
It smells very strong.

No. It's super gentle.
They use it on pageant babies.

Mom! I'm home!

(SHRIEKS)

My daughter's home!
She has been gone
half the summer.

I'll be right back.
If it feels like
it's burning, it's working.

(BOTH SHRIEKING)

Wow!
(LAUGHS AND SHRIEKS)

(GRUNTS) You have been
gone for so long!
Did you get taller?

I've only been gone a month,
and I stopped growing
a long time ago.

Um, is this supposed
to be getting warm?

Let it cook, Phil.

HALEY: Um...

Mom?

Why are you doing
some guy's hair
in the bathroom?

Huh?
P.S. this does not
feel right. Hello.

(HISSING)

Why aren't you
doing it in a salon?

Please don't tell me
you quit your job again.

I didn't quit! All right.

You know that dipshit lady
on Channel Eleven

who does the segments
where she tries new things?

Yeah. Go on.
Well, she wanted bangs,

but then afterwards
she decided that
she didn't want bangs.

And my manager
started bitching me out,

so I shoved him
and his American Girl Doll
glasses broke.

Okay. So you got fired.

Why do you keep
doing this, Mom?

You wanna have
a cereal party?

No, I don't. I want you
to be responsible
so that I don't have to be.

It is too stressful

sleeping with you
on a pull-out couch
in your friend's dining room.

She is not my friend.
She was our bug man.

I need to learn
to be more irresponsible

otherwise I'm going
to be hazed so bad
in college.

It's bubbling
like Pop Rocks.

I'm gonna stay
at Annie's house again.
All right.

Okay, that's a lie
because Annie is in Italy
with her family.

I know how
to use Facebook.

I will keep sending
you pictures so that
you know that I'm safe.

No. You cannot just leave
again and not tell me
where you are.

You know why
I don't tell you
where I'm going?

Because you'll show up there
and you'll make a big scene
like a hothead!

I am not a hothead!
I am brassy.

I love you, Mom,
but your life is just
too chaotic right now.

It is not chaotic.
DANA: Kate!

Is this your waxing strip?

I don't know, Dana.
It must be a client's.

My dog had this
in his feces.

(WHIMPERS)
And before
I could stop him

he ate the poop
with the waxing strip
in it again.

And then
he threw that up.
Okay.

You know how many times a day
I kiss that dog on the mouth?

An unsettling amount.

Now when I kiss him,

I'm gonna picture
that he ate

some stranger's pubes.

And it's gonna affect
my relationship with him.

KATE: Oh, boy.

All right.
Let's bring this in
for a landing, Dana.

You get out of here
by tomorrow.

(STAMMERS)
You're done!

Where the hell
am I gonna go?
(BARKING)

You wanna explain that
to my daughter?

Haley?
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Shit.

(SHOUTS) Haley?

Haley!

Okay, Haley,
just come back up,
and we will talk about this.

Hey, it's me.

Hello? This is very
unprofessional.

Hey. I can't talk right now.

Real quick.
Mom and Dad called.

Ugh, what now?

What's up?
Everything all right?

No, I don't need lotion
in there.
(SHUSHES)

Yeah, you do need lotion
in there.

Hey, here's something fun.

Mom and Dad
want us to come down.

They need us to clear out
some of our old bedroom stuff.

Why? They have other rooms.

MAURA: I don't know.
Maybe they wanna get
a treadmill.

(SCOFFS) A treadmill?
Mom can't even sit right
on a couch.

I'm just gonna
shape them real quick.
All right.

Yeah, no.
I can't afford to come
to Orlando right now.

Well, I'll send you money
for the flight.

Come to Orlando.
Ellis sisters reunion.

Coming home always makes
things better.

That's actually
a really good idea.

Tell me the truth.

Next stop, Orlando Airport.
Thank you
for riding Greyhound.

AIRPORT ANNOUNCER ON PA:
Please maintain contact
with your baggage.

All unattended baggage
will be confiscated.

Hey. Could I get
a small glass of tequila?

Like a shot of tequila?

Yeah, a shot.
Just keeping it classy.

Paging Mr. Herman.

Oh, Mr. Pee-wee Herman!

(KATE SHRIEKS)

Look at you.
Hi!

MAURA: Look at you.
KATE: Uh-uh, uh-uh.

What's going on?
Nothing.

Wow, turn it around.
This is soft.
(CHUCKLES)

You look great.
No.

I look like a dead deer
bloated on the highway.

No. You look like
a pretty deer
who's still alive.

Mmm.
But also,
just recently hit.

(SNORTING)

Your hair is long!
It's so mermaid-y.
Yeah.

Oh, I got a whole intricate
sewn-in system under there,
but it's human.

Okay, well,
you have to be careful
when you get fake hair

because some countries
give their young girls
chicken hormones

and make them grow it
in their basements.
(SCOFFS)

Do they get paid?
Because I would do that.

Hey, honey.
I'm sure you're out
having fun

but I'm dying
to see that photo
you were gonna send me.

She's having such
a great summer, but I think
she's getting homesick.

I'm sure she misses you.
I miss her.

Like, in my body.

Mmm. She'll be back soon.

What's your deal?
Been doing anything fun?

Yeah. Rescue dogs
have so many hidden skills.

I've been teaching Polenta
how to smell diabetes.

You've been divorced
for two years.

You should at least
be going to Chili's
with your work friends

or some such basic shit,

instead of spending the night
on Skype dates
with Mom and Dad.

I've been having
a lot of fun.

I've been teaching myself
how to make cheese.

I'm fine.
I'm really good.
I'm real good.

What about you?
Do you have a job
or a place to live?

I got an idea
that's gonna solve everything.
Haley's gonna flip.

What's your idea?

I think we should move
down here and live with
Mom and Dad for a while.

(RADIO VOLUME INCREASES)

(BOTH SINGING)
Give a little bit
of heart and soul

Give a little bit
of love to grow

Give a little bit
of heart and soul...

(BOTH MUMBLING LYRICS)

Holy Moses with his balls out.

Is that Kate Ellis
I'm looking at?

Maybe.

(LAUGHS) Hey, look at you.

Come on, Dave Blackmon!
I was a senior,
you were a junior.

I lingered back so we could
be seniors together?

You were my first non-hand
I ever did it with.

Oh, my God. Yes.
I swallowed your earring.

That was a true honor.

Aw, thank you. Thank you.

Wow. Somebody told me
you died.

That's crazy.
That's the second person
that's said that to me.

Hmm, you should
check it out.

You know,
I'm a known alcoholic
in this area

but I still talk about those
Ellis Island parties, baby.
(VOCALIZES)

Such good times, right?

Yeah. You scaling
that fireplace
with them heels?

Oh, man. That was
a beautiful sight, baby.

And who's this
fine-ass female?

Hi, Dave. I'm Maura,
Kate's younger sister.

I held your mullet back
one time when you were
vomiting at our party

So you wouldn't
impale your face
on our cactus garden.

(LAUGHING) No. Shit.
Those were fun times,
though, huh?

Yeah. You know, in a way.

You sure bloomed
into a juicy peach, holy...

Thank you, Dave.

KATE: So is this
your liquor store?

Oh, you know,
I got some stock, I got
some handshake options.

Because you heard
what happened, right?

My mobile townhouse
got ate by a sinkhole.

No.
Eaten by a sinkhole?

Mmm-hmm.
That is a Florida heartbreak.

Wow, the Ellis sisters, man.
What a sandwich
that would be, huh?

If I could tell my friends
that that went down.
(LAUGHS) Oh, man.

What do you think?

Who? Oh... (CHUCKLES)

Just putting it out there.
Listen, life is about
putting it out there.

And then
swatting it away.
Isn't it?

Sometimes it stays out there.
Where you put it.

And then sometimes it goes
right into the trash.

So that's, like, a no.
I understand.

I think we should go.
Great to see you, Dave.

Just putting it out there.
Yeah, okay.

KATE: Nice to see you, man.
I'm glad you're alive.

Thank you.
You look, uh, weathered.

You look like
underpass weathered.

DAVE: Yeah. Thank you,
I guess. Yeah.

So listen, is there, like, um,
friends and family discount
at this place?

Oh, yeah.
Two finger discount.

(KATE CHUCKLES)
MAURA: Oh...

That made my legs
feel weird.
Just unbridled filth.

MAURA: Gross!
DAVE: Hey, you know
how it is. (LAUGHS)

KATE: Bye, Dave! Whoo!

The party just got back
to O-Town!

MAURA: (SHOUTING) Okay!

It's cicada season,
so keep your mouth shut. Whoo!

(KATE AND MAURA CHEERING)

KATE: Are you ready
for this jelly, Whorelando?

MAURA: (SHOUTING) Yeah!

MAURA: Hey!
(KATE CHEERING)

(MAURA AND KATE CHEERING)

KATE: Ellis sisters
in the house!

Hey!

Oh, sweaty man.
We have to flirt.

Slow it down
for a groove-by.

Hey.

What urp? Hey.

Burying your wife?

(CHUCKLES) Um...
KATE: Can I ask you something?

My sister and I...
Hey.

...are busy professionals,
looking for an "yard artisan"

to do some work on our bushes?

You are working.
We will not bother you. Sorry.

KATE: (WHISPERING)
Jump on my bush joke.

I just made that up!
Put another Jenga on it.

I bet working on other
people's bushes really makes
you wanna whack your weeds.

That was dirtier
than I thought.

I'm sorry.
That got dirty
really fast.

Don't apologize,
I like that.

I actually own this house.

You live here with your wife?

Your wife's a bitch
for not helping you.

JAMES: Uh, I...

I'm single, actually.
Oh.

Well, we're not
making fun of you.

We're flirting with you,
because you're really sweaty.

I'm a solid guy.
I don't mind being
the butt of your jokes.

Good. You will be
the butt of our jokes,
because your butt is no joke.

Okay.

MAURA: I'm not laughing
at that butt.
I'll laugh with your butt.

I'm gonna laugh in that butt.

I'm gonna laugh.

(INHALES) I'm gonna...
I love to...

My butt's funny, too,

but your butt
is really serious.

Your butt is like
an hour-long drama.

Your butt's as serious
as The Wire.

MAURA: I mean, I can't wait
to watch your butt on DVD.

I'm gonna binge-watch
your butt when I have the flu.

Time to drive away.
Great.

Yeah, um, so...

You ever buy
Poppin' Fresh Dough?
Yeah.

Remember the sound
it makes?
JAMES: Yeah.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

KATE: And that's how
you do it.
MAURA: (CHUCKLES) Oh, my God.

What the hell is a sold sign
doing on our front yard?

MAURA: Sold?

No!

They talked about
putting it on the market.

Did you know about this
and not tell me?

Why don't people
tell me things?

They spoke to me about it,
and we were considering it.

They fucking sold
our fucking childhood
fucking home.

I can't believe they did this
without consulting me.

This home should have
been passed on.

I'll talk them out of it.
It's okay.
It's not okay!

Because my great idea
just got fucked in the a-hole!

Welcome to my life!

(GRUNTING)

Damn it. Shit!

(SCREAMING)
Fuck! Shit, fuck!

Balls!

KATE: What the...

Totally shady.

Where are the curtains
with the fruit on them?

She was gonna give
all this stuff away?

I'm sorry,
I'm keeping this colander.

KATE: Heartless.

Where's the fucking
manatee lamp I made?

(KATE WRETCHES)

I'm sorry.

This was not our doing.

They were gonna give away
the foldy yardstick?

Absolutely hell no.

KATE: Where in the hell
are Mom's tiny, ceramic shoes?

MAURA: This is just
so not okay.

So now some asshole family
gets to play
in our sister tree?

Fuck no.

Where are our parents?

KATE: This nursing home
better not smell urine-y,
like a death-cafeteria.

MAURA:
It's not a nursing home,
it's an adult community.

It's called
Village Du Soleil,

which in French means
"in the sun."

Old people aren't
supposed to be
in the sun! So stupid.

Yeah, Mom and Dad,
eat a pyramid of dicks.

Sit on a bunch of pinecones.

If I see Mom in
one of those one-chair
beauty shops,

I will full-out BJ
a hot curling iron.

Rowdy seniors
and booze by a lake?
That's a recipe for disaster.

If they have shower chairs
at this granny farm,

I will slit my throat
and put it on YouTube.

MAURA: You failed
to mention your plan.

Why didn't you tell me
that you sold the house?

Because we knew you'd try
to talk us out of it.

I mean, you were pushy kids.

You're selling your clocks,
by the way?

What, are you secretly dying?

No, I'm not dying.
I'm just sick of winding them.

Hey, I want Pop-Pop's
grandfather clock.

Where are you
going to keep it?
In your purse?

The things in that house
meant something to us.

Each one of those objects
is a puzzle piece
in the story of our lives.

We just don't want
clutter anymore.

Then what the fuck is this?

MAURA: Clutter?
You don't want clutter?

Clutter has a name.

And it's Pogee,
the Christmas Tree EIf.

You take him.
We're gonna get
a tabletop tree.

(GROANING AND SCREAMING)

DEANNA: Honestly...
MAURA: We can't have
Christmas here!

It feels good to purge.

And we downloaded
all our pictures!

You threw away
our baby pictures?

No!

We sold them
to the gay man
at the flea market

who turns them
into funny cards.

And your father
put them on this.

So I just stick this
up my vagina

and then I can see
the pictures?

Oh, Katherine Anne. Stop.
What?

She's being funny,
because this is so crazy.

What I think
we all need to do
is go to lunch.

And then we can discuss
if selling the house
is the best plan for us.

"Us" is happy
with the decision. Mmm?

DEANNA: You two
go whoop it up.

No, don't go whoop it up.
It's all spiffed out.

It needs to stay that way
for the inspection on Monday.

If you have to poo,
go to Arby's.

I can't go to the
bathroom at restaurants.
You know that.

All right, all right.
I understand.

If she's gonna poop
at the house,
I wanna poop at the house.

Yeah...
All right, you can both
poop at the house.

I like Arby's.

You know,
let's just all agree
that this is a bad idea.

Listen to me.
We're gonna take you
to dinner tomorrow night.

Not gonna spend
one last night together
in the house?

Okay, I think...
Maura, cool it.

It's a done deal.

Done.

I got lured down here
for this?

I don't clean up
after myself anymore.
I'm an adult.

(SIGHS)

This is gonna be
deeply painful.

(SIGHS)

Oh, boy.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

(SING-SONG) Holy shit.

Gimme!

Ooh, listen to this.

(READING) "lI got in a wreck
because I was admiring

"the shoulder hickey
that Brett gave me

"and got t-boned
by a parked car.

"Brett came over to comfort me
and I'm so obsessed with him.

"His face smells
like Sea Breeze

"and his hair is so long
that when I make out with him

"I pretend it's a scarf.

"P.S. I might be pregnant."

That shit is juicy.
Read yours.

Okay.

(SNIFFS)

(READING) "I changed the grit
on my rock tumbler today.

"The amethyst
is really shaping up.

"I'm gonna mount it
in a bolo tie for Dylan.

"He got a new
neck brace to stretch
his melting vertebrae.

"He loved his birthday card.

"Especially how I burnt
the edges of the scroll.

"P.S. Crafting heals."

Huh.

KATE: (READING) "Last night
at the party, I danced so hard
my bra was soaking wet.

"Jeff and I were flirting,
and then he said,
'Let me show you something.'

"So we went to my room,
and guess what he showed me?

"A ween that is still
wearing its hat."

Mmm. Your turn.

Wow. How many times
did you have sex
in this house?

KATE: You should have
had sex here.

Having sex
in your childhood bedroom
is a rite of passage.

You chose the party mom role
to protect yourself from fun.

No! I was not afraid of fun.

Here, check this out.

(READING)
"Happy birthday to me.

"My party was amazing.
I got what I asked for.

"Il am now a sponsor
of a child in Ecuador.

"I was the designated driver
because I could tell
no one else wanted to be.

"My favorite birthday gift
was knowing everyone
got home safe."

KATE: (READING)
"Last night was so fun
I can't even talk about it.

"There are no, period,
words, period."

Man, I couldn't even
talk about it!

(READING) "I took
my deaf friend
to the Sheila E. concert

"so she could really
feel the music.

"She was so grateful.

"I didn't smoke pot because
I was afraid there wasn't
enough for everyone."

Oh, come on.

I miss those
goddamn glory days.

Well, clearly,
we had different experiences.

Oh, here's a play-by-play
of a Jerry Lewis telethon.

Here's a chart
of all the penises
I ever saw.

Oh, good. Here's a quote
from Helen Keller.

Here's really incorrect
information about
how to put a IUD in.

Here's a list
of my houseplants.

Put it in my butt.
Ew.

I swear I was having fun.

I guess I was just
making sure the house
didn't get destroyed.

It's a damn shame
that you never had
your night here.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING
THROUGH MUSIC BOX)

We cannot have a party.

A party? (SCOFFS)

That's a great idea.
No.

You can't avoid
putting yourself
out there forever!

You're gonna dry up
like a granny apple doll.

The house is sold.

No, it's not working.

Kate! Don't make that face.

Do not work me like this!
I hate it when you
make me the bummer.

My life is
super shitty right now.
I need to feel happy again.

Ah... (GROANS)

Fine. Let's just brush
our remaining teeth

and call it a sad, hard day
for two dusty old twats.

Because we're done.

(SIGHS)

(LULLABY PLAYING
THROUGH NIGHTLIGHT)

Also? P.S. It would be such an
easy way for you to pop your
post-divorce flirt cherry.

I would love
to see you let it rip.

You're such a fun
as shit little sister.

I really am so fun.

I shouldn't
keep that to myself.
No, you shouldn't!

(MUFFLED) I think maybe
we should do it.

Can't hear you.

I said maybe
we should have a party.

KATE: Say what
I wanna hear, girl!

MAURA: (LAUGHS)
Oh, my God. I don't know!

Okay, let's do it.
(SCREAMS) Let's have a party!

(BOTH CHEERING)

Oh, and you can invite
that cute neighbor guy

and you can finally have sex
in your old, crappo bed!

Yeah, but he's younger
than me.

Yeah, but he's
taller than you,
and that's all that matters.

Oh, my God.
I need this night
to reset myself!

(YELLING)
We are having a party!

(BOTH YELLING)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(CLOCKS CHIMING)

(MUMBLES) How'd you sleep?

I dreamt I had no job
and no place to live.

Oh, wait.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
Got a picture from Haley.

Well, Her friend has
a fancy-ass fireplace
in her house.

MAURA: No, it's one of those
Cosi Sandwich Shops.

(VEHICLE APPROACHING)
Oh. Who the crap is that?

MAURA: Are those
the new owners?

KATE: Ew. Fuck my life.
MAURA: Gross!

MRS. GEERNT:
I want the front yard
to be open-concept.

MR. GEERNT: That old tree
has gotta go.

Oh, you just try
to take down our sister tree,
you stupid stinkbug!

KATE: I can smell that bitch's
hairspray from here.

No, they can't
fucking roll in here
like Jehovah's Witnesses!

(MAURA STAMMERS)
KATE: Rude.

What?

Can we help you?
Yes.

Our secretary didn't
tell us that we had
an appointment.

Oh, I'm Patrick Campbell.
This is Jane and Henry Geernt.

They're relocating
from New York City
and buying this house.

So, are you their interpreter?

If so, please tell them
hello for us.

They just want to see
what these blues look like
on the sun porch.

What do you mean?
Sun porch?
PATRICK: Mmm-hmm.

Are you even old enough
to get a mortgage?

Oh, yes.
But we're buying it
with cash.

You're painting
the sun porch? No.

It's a little
"country" for us.

Can you let your parents know
that if things like this
aren't fixed by Monday,

we're gonna have a real
issue following through
with the sale.

(STAMMERS)
Yeah.
That won't be okay.

I got a question.

What percentage
of your wardrobe
is dry clean only?

Seventy-eight?

You guys seem like
you wear a lot of linen.

What kind of hot moron
paints a sun porch?

Why don't you just put
a toilet in the living room
and call it a day?

Crazy!

Is that dress from Target?

Um, no...
'Cause I've seen one
like it at Target.

I've never
been there before.

You know there was
a murder here, right?

No. What? I don't.

Major cult stuff. Yeah.

What, like a mass murder?

Seven?
Okay.

Seven sets of twins.

So, 14.
I'm sorry. What?

You know
your cousin's gay, right?

That's not my cousin.
That's my husband.

That's your husband?

You're gonna have
some surprising shit
go down in about 10 years.

You ever feel like maybe
you peaked too soon?

No, I don't.
'Cause it's a long life.

And I would hate
to see you out there
blowing hobos at 40.

Thank you.

Blue?

What would possess a person
to paint stained wood blue?

What, were you raised
on a tugboat?

I'll drop off the paint later.
Unless you'll be day-napping.

We sleep with
our eyes open,
like sharks.

KATE: Bye! Nice to meet you!

MAURA: Smell you later.

KATE: What kind
of last name is Geernt?

Geernt. Sounds like
a queef on a yoga ball.

Yeah. More like
the last sound you hear
before you shit your pants.

(YELLS) Oh, my God.
(GASPS) Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

(BOTH LAUGH)

MAURA: Okay.
Let's start working
on those invites.

Okay, let's see
who we got. Okay.

KATE: Vicka Bastione.
MAURA: Yeah.

No on Alex. He's always on.
It's annoying as fuck.

I know. He breaks my heart.
He wants to be funny, though.

Yeah, well, people in hell
want ice water, too.

Dave. I did him because
he disgusted me
in a sexy way.

Short Hispanic guys always
acted like I was Xena.

I bet he has, like,
50 DUIs right now.

KATE: Brinda is a hard no.

That monster and her minions
are not coming.

Why is she a monster?

KATE: She knows what she did.

Okay. Rob and Liz!

KATE: They used to have sex
in the weirdest places.

MAURA: He took her from behind
in line at graduation.

They could use a party.
They are terminally suburban.

KATE: Kelly.
That bitch is fun.

Yeah.
Kelly is fun!

Kelly is fun.

(CLICKING)

So, we should go!
We have so much to do.

You have to invite
that cute guy
from down the street.

Mmm. Maybe.
I don't know. We'll see.

Have a great day, Fran.

Oh, my God.
It's Brinda.

KATE: Ugh...

Brinda always looks like
she has a fart
coming out sideways.

I feel bad that we didn't
invite her. I hate it
when people aren't included.

Oh, God.
What if she asks us
to come to the party?

I'm not gonna be able
to say no to her face.

You know I can't
reject people.
I have a dog with one eye.

Here she comes.
She's coming close.
She's right here.

She's almost here.
She's here now.

Hey, Brinda.
What up?

Well, well, well.

I thought I saw
the Ellis sisters.

Hey, Brinda.
What have you been up to?

Not party-wise,
just life in general.

Not much. Just, you know,
building a career.

Being successful
and having a really full
and wonderful life.

I'm very blessed.

I'm sure you've seen
around town, I'm a pretty
successful realtor now.

I'm plastered
all over the bus stops.

Congratulations.
Thank you.

I thought you were missing.
I saw your picture
on the bus stop.

I just assumed
you were missing.

And you?
What are you up to?
Nothing?

We are on the way
to a shelter to give
people this party food.

Oh, is that why you're
dressed like the homeless?

What are you buying?
Stool softener?

No. Actually, um,
Diet Coke.

Got some Poise Pads
in there I see.

Good. Little asshole cream.
No.

Don't you look great.
That's a snazzy belt.

Oh, thank youl!

Yeah, congrats on
your wrestling championship.

It's Ralph Lauren.

Is that how you say it?
Uh, yeah.

Do you get
good Wi-Fi with that?

So I see
you're having a party.

I mean, we're just
kind of picking...

Yep. Having a party.
Yeah.

I heard you were
having a party.

From someone
who got invited.

You were on our list,
but you're very hard
to track down.

MAURA: Are you on email?

Uh, it's B-dot-rinda...

That's what I did wrong.
I forgot the dot.

And we forgot
to type it.
(STAMMERING)

And also
we didn't send it.

(CHUCKLES) I must admit,

when I heard
you were having
an Ellis Island party

I was like,
"What? What year is it?"

It's pretty sad.

It used to hurt me when
you never invited me
to any of your parties,

but I did a lot of thinking
and a little bit of prayer,

and now I just feel
sort of bad for you two.

You know,
because it's such
a desperate event.

(LAUGHS) Bye.

You're a desperate event!

I can still hear you!

KATE: Good.
Can you hear this?

Suck a fucking bag
of dicks!

She can't hear that.

KATE: Strutting around
Big Lots like it's
Bloomingdale's

in her bullshit shoes.

Real estate bitch
acting like Suze Orman.

You know what she has?
Crabs in her eyebrows.

Tumbleweeds
rolling across her beav.

I am done wasting words
on that ho.

I'm sorry, Vicky.
Don't apologize for me.

Is Vicky your real name?

What's your Korean name?

(WHISPERS) Hae-Won.

Hae-Won.
What a beautiful name.
What does that mean?

Hae-Won mean "head."

Oh.

Hae-Won?
Am I saying it correctly?

Hae-Won.

Oh, Hae-Won.

No. Hae-Won.

Hae-Won.

Not Hae-Won. Hae-Won.

Hae-Won.
No. Hae-Won.

Hae-Won.
Hae-Won.

Hae-Won.
Hae-Won.

I feel like
I'm saying it right. No?

I'm too high.
(DEEP VOICE)
Hae-Hae-Won.

Yes.

It's not coming out right,
but I'll get it.

Like, "I'm having fun
at party."

"Hey." Plus "one."

Hey one.

So you like parties.
HAE-WON: Yes.

Hmm.

Your name?
Oh, my name is Maura.

Maura.

Watch me. Maura.

(GROWLING) Maura.

I don't open my mouth
like that. (CHUCKLES)
Just, Maura.

Maura.

It's not Maura.

You see the difference
in my mouth? Maura.

(GROWLING) Maura.

We have different mouths.

It's okay.

Why do they always have to
give them American names?
It's so sad.

I bet Nail Pimp Daddy
over there treats them
like his whores.

We need to get Lucy Liu
to go under...
Lisa Ling.

Lisa Ling to go undercover
and investigate these
dirty-ass nail salons.

But they are hiring
and you are licensed
to do nails.

I don't wanna work here.
They have a bass
in their aquarium.

It's beautiful here.
Everything smells
like lavender.

Plus, you could
teach them a lot,
because you know your shit.

I do know my shit.

I could French manicure
a chicken while
it was running away.

Guess I could get
something better
once we're settled, right?

Exactly! And then just
wait until you get
that better job

before you quit this one.

I'm open to new ways.

Your sister?

Yes, that's my sister.

You're older.

No.
Yes.

Why would you say that?

Your face.

Oh.

Older.

No.
Yes.

Okay.

(SIGHS) So, do you like
working here?

I love it.

Do you get proper
lunch breaks?

What is lunch?

Oh, my God.
That's terrible.

Hey.

Thank you so much for this.
This is a great place.

NAIL SALON OWNER: Of course.

So, uh, I see you're hiring.

Oh, we are not
hiring right now.

You just got
a big old sign.

Hey, Hae-Won.
Would you like to come
to a party tonight?

You and your friends
come, okay?

To do nail?

Oh, no. No, no, no.
Party?

You can bring
whoever you want.

Party, yes.

Sojus.
Jews.

Soju there?
Sure. There'll be
Jews there.

I love jus.
Koreans love jus.

Koreans love Jews.

I love jus.
I love Jews, too.

Jus.

Adam is thinking of coming,
and Gabe is on the fence,
SO...

Soju.

I'm worried
we aren't talking
about the same thing.

Juice. Drinking juice.
HAE-WON: Jus.

You stupid.

There'll be juice there.
There'll be food there.
There'll be Jews there.

Okay. Yes.
Great.

Okay, listen.
My daughter and I
are moving to Orlando

and I really need a job.

Oh, no.

Okay, look. Just smile
and shake my hand
like you gave me a job

and I will text you
a picture of my boobs.

Real good ones.
High and happy.

No? I misread your deal.

Smile and shake my hand

(WHISPERING)
or I will text you a
picture of my boobs,

and I know you don't
wanna see them.

(CHUCKLES)

Awesome! Thank you, Vicky.

I will see you on Monday.

Boom! I got a job.

And look what I pulled
out of your wallet.
"Success is desire in action."

Amazing! You're crushing it!

Whoo!

KATE: We need to cancel dinner
with Mom and Dad.

What if we lie to Mom
and Dad and then they
die in their sleep?

Don't let them
smell your guilt.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Girls.

Hey, Mom, we are doing
so much work over there

and doing nothing else,
and I am telling the truth.

Well.

I was just, um,
putting the silverware
in the drawers here.

Hey, we can't
have dinner tonight.

Yeah, because we're in such
packing mode we don't wanna
stop our groove.

Sounds good!

Oh.

No. We've...

Okay!

KATE: Bye.
We're leaving!

Did we just cock block
our parents?

They were fresh
off the sex griddle.

There was so much
color in her face.

Hey, see you tonight!
You know, I'm laying down
a bread base. (CHUCKLES)

So I wanna stop by
Sam and Cray's house,
real quick.

Oh, I haven't seen those homos
since high school!

I know.

They said that we could
borrow those cool chairs
they had at their wedding.

Gays know
how to throw a party.

Go to Costco,
get a pan of hot wings.

Get some big,
basic salamis.

Or just make a fuckload
of potato salad.

With Tostitos Scoops.

It's like a spoon
you can eat.

Obviously,
it's the gay men who have
the great party ideas.

I wish being gay was a choice
because I always did like
that shorts and boots look.

Yeah, I don't know.

For me, the deal breaker
might be the eating
of the pussy.

Oh, really? Because for me
it would just be the fucking
unbearable amount of talking.

Bye, guys!

(EASY LISTENING MUSIC PLAYING)

Hmm, what do you think,
Brayla?

That looks amazing on you.

I never met a Brayla before.

I know, like, three.

Oh, so you're trending.
God bless.

You know, it's a lot
of under teat but I think
I'm getting away with it.

Also it's, um, on backwards.

You think?
Yeah.

How's it going in there?

I don't get this dress.

One of my apples
keeps rolling out of the bag.

But I like the story
it tells with the fringe.

You're gonna have
to rock a thong with this,
though.

Oh, no, I don't wear thongs.
I have a very fussy taint.

You just have
to build up a callus.
Right, Brayla?

That looks amazing on you.

I worry that she just
wants the sale. She's not
telling us the truth.

No. Brayla has no
pleasure center in her brain.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Oh, here we go.

Haley!
How-slash-where are you?

HALEY: You can trust me.

I am at a friend's house.

So I got your text message

about moving in
with Gram and Gramps,
and you know I love Orlando.

I'm super excited about this!

Yeah, you know what?
I was real excited
about it, too,

and it turns out
that Gram and Gramps
are selling their house.

Oh...

Okay, I like that it
has a strong message,

but I am afraid
that I'm gonna zip
my bush up in there.

We can still make
Orlando happen. I promise,
I will find another way.

Don't be upset.

Okay, give it to me.

Hey, honey.
It's Maura.
Hey.

Listen, your mom
forgot to tell you
the most important part,

which is that
she got a job out here
at a very fancy nail salon.

Really?
MAURA: Yes.

Try something on.

So I think maybe you should
come here earlier next week,
and surprise her.

She really misses you.

Aunt Maura, I don't know.
I don't know.

Haley, I know I said
that I was going
to help you for a while,

but now you have to get
back with your mother.

I hate keeping secrets.

Especially from my sister.
It gives me guilt diarrhea.

Okay. But what should I do
with Polenta?

MAURA: The dog-sitter's number
is on the counter.

Use my credit card,
and get a flight,
and come here.

It's gonna work this time,
honey, I promise.

Okay, if you think so.

I love you.
Love you, too.

HALEY: Bye.

Haley's good.
It's all fine.

Aw. That's awesome. Thanks.

These dresses are made
for Chinese tomboys,
by the way.

I don't know
about that one.

Really, because
what about this part?

(VOCALIZES)

That's a Play-Doh
Fun Factory right there.
Ooh.

And the eye
goes right to it.
Yeah, look at that.

(VOCALIZES)

That is flesh, and dudes
like that. They don't care
what thing it's coming out of.

MAURA: This dress
smells like pickles.

Better work.

It just feels like
it's maybe one or the other.

I think it's what they call
"either/and."

No, I don't. Well...

Right, Brayla?
Brayla, where you from?

That looks
amazing on you.
BOTH: Mmm-hmm.

We got to find
another store, they can't
handle our heat here.

God. We need, like,
a little less "Forever 21" and
a little more "Suddenly 42."

Yeah. We are
keeping it tight.

It is tight.
This is very tight.

Here, give me a kiss.

(KISSING)

(RAP MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

MAURA: Wait.
Where are we going?
KATE: One last errand.

Get it, girl.
What?

Oh, my God.
Damn it. I knew it!
You never offer to drive.

Ask him. "Desire
needs action," or whatever
the fuck that one said.

I don't have my good bra on.
I have beef jerky breath.

Okay. Okay.

Hi.
Hi.

I'm, uh, Maura,
from yonder there.

My sister and I
objectified you yesterday?

I remember you.

I'm James.
Hi, James.

Do you go by Jimmy?

Usually James,
sometimes James.

Well, just wanted
to say hello.
And that's all I got, so.

(HORN HONKING)

(CHUCKLES) Uh...

Would you borrow me
your bathroom?

Number one only.

Of course, come in.
You can do whatever you want
in there, really.

MAURA: Wow.

I am actually
just renovating it, I'm gonna
put it on the market.

Wow. You're doing
a really nice job.
Oh, thank you.

It was my parents' house,
but they passed away within
a year of each other.

Oh, my God. That's horrible.

Yeah. Yeah,
it was really sad.

Are you gonna be okay?

I'm sorry. It's just that's,
like, my worst fear.

(CHUCKLES) I'm sorry
I told you. I'm sorry you
had to find out this way.

My legs just went numb.

I'll be okay.

Uh, do you still
need the bathroom?

I think I'm too sad
to go now.

Yeah, of course.

Okay.

(SIGHS) Hey, who's this guy?

Oh, that's Mashed Potatoes.

I'm pretty mad
at him right now.

Hey!

Would you like to
flank me at a party

that I'm attending at
my own house tonight?

Him or me?

Oh, you.
Yeah, yeah.

Ah, maybe. What time?

8:30. 8:45. 9:00.

You know, it doesn't matter.
I'm pretty laid back.

Okay, okay. Let me just, uh,
check my calendar real quick.

You're lucky. I am free.

(IN FAKE ITALIAN ACCENT)
Well, that's a good news!

I'm not Italian.
I don't know why I
said it like that.

No, I like Italians.

Okay. I'm half-ltalian.

No, I'm not. That was a lie.

So, then I...
There, yeah. Okay.

You will come to the party

and I cannot stop
trailing off.

All right.
But I will now.

I'm just gonna casually
George Jefferson
my way out of here.

To you.

And just gonna ease on
down the road and
re-run it to the car.

Okay, goodbye.
JAMES: Oh!

(CHUCKLES)

Bye!

MAURA: Kate, let me in.

Oh, hello.

Hi. Why?

We were measuring
for a pergola.

What, like Polish food?
I'm sorry,
are you having a party here?

Nope.
Nope.

It really looks like
you're having a party.

Oh, Gosh. I hate to make
you feel like a dick,

but this is
actually for a wake.

I am very sorry to hear that.

Yeah.
We always told our cousin,
"Don't play on the tracks."

Dear God.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Obviously,
our cousin was a dumbass.

But we will miss her.
Him.

Herm. His name was Herm.

KATE: They found his head,
like, a mile away.

I think he's probably gonna
haunt the house forever.

Headless and angry.
Yeah.

MR. GEERNT: I am not buying
that bull waste.

KATE: That's a girl's belt.

Rich people can just decide
to move somewhere.

Choke on a roll of cash.

So I've been thinking.

Why?

You've asserted yourself,
and you got a job,

so maybe I could
give you a loan.

To get a new place.

When you say, "loan,"
do you mean
the kind you pay back,

or, like, a "wink-wink" loan?

All loans are
supposed to be paid back.

Not in my experience.

But you can do that now
because you have a job.

(SING-SONG) I do.

That is an awesome offer.
All right!

Okay, wait.

I am going to ask
you for something
in return for the money,

and I don't want you
to think that this loan
is contingent on that,

but I will say that
if you don't do it,

I feel like I might
not give you the money.

Okay. Great. What?

(EXHALES)

It's a lot
harder than I thought.
Just give me a minute.

Will you be
the party mom tonight?

So I can let my
freak flag fly?

I would love to.

Yeah?

Because your
face is telling me
something else.

That would bring me joy.

You know what? Forget it.
It'll just get screwed up.
I'll do it.

You don't think I can
take care of people?

I am an actual mom!
I got this!

Okay, but the party mom
can't drink.

What fresh fuckery is that?

Does a mother drink
at her kid's birthday party?

Yeah, if there's a lifeguard.

No.

It's okay. I don't mind.

Forget it.
I'll be fine. It's okay.

(SIGHS)

Okay. I won't drink tonight.
You groin it up.

I'll be you. You be me.

Oh, my God.
So many red flags! Okay.
Let's do this! (SHRIEKS)

When you're flirting
with Mr. Man, don't weave
your divorce tale.

Drunk people like to
show off with fire.
Shut it down.

Over-pronounce things,
because he is gonna be
watching your mouth.

Remember, don't leave someone
when they're throwing up.

Sleep-barfing kills.

Once you're in the bedroom,

lock the door so
I can't burst in

and take
a commemorative picture.

(SQUEAKING)

Kate, can you clean
up this gel, please?

Yes! Stop asking me about it.

(CLOCK CHIMING)

It's that scary
time when you're afraid
that no one will show up.

It's 8:32.
People aren't gonna...
(DOORBELL RINGS)

Take it, girl.
This is your show.

Hey.

Hey! Hil
Hey!

It's Rob and Liz.
And their son.

KATE: Nope.

Not happening. No kids.

Yeah, he can just
watch TV downstairs.

No. Him got to go.

Yeah. Sorry, there's
just too many things
he could ingest.

Um...

We'll be back.

Chase,
we are gonna go see Nana.

Yeah. Yeah.
Yay! (CHUCKLES)

ROB: You remember her, right?

Damn. Adults are
on time, huh?

MAURA: Yeah.

Why is Alex
walking up our driveway?

I'm so sorry. I invited him,
because I feel bad for him.
He's very lonely.

Knock, knock. Who's there?

Duane! Duane who?

Duane the bathtub.

I'm dwowning!

(ALL LAUGHING)

You still got it!

May I please have
a beverage?

(CHUCKLES)

(EXCLAIMS) Sanctuary! Mmm.

Wow!

Welcome to Jurassic Park!

(IMITATES VELOCIRAPTOR)

Christ, he is
immediately exhausting.

DAVE: Hello there.

Fun train pulling in!

(IMITATING TRAIN WHISTLE)
Booze, booze!
Whoo-hoo!

(IMITATING TRAIN CHUGGING)

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

And when my dad finally died,
he actually glowed.

Kelly!
Ugh!

When did we all get so old?

I mean, at least the women
are making an effort,

but the men here?

Look like they're
being slowly poisoned.

I think it's about
how you feel, right?

Done. You know?

Best days behind us.
Right, guys?

I don't know.
You might live like another
eight or 10 years, Kelly.

You don't wanna be
looking at it like that.

Chase was like
a 10-pound baby.
(MAURA SIGHS)

So when he came out of there,

I mean, it was decimated.
That's horrible. Ugh.

So I ended up having
a vaginal rejuvenation.

It's as tight as
a keyhole down there.

I could pick up quarters
with it, if I wanted to.

I haven't wanted to yet.

I shouldn't be
telling you this,

but Rob's penis
has a kink in it.

I can't think of
what it's called.

It's kind of, like, crimped?

I don't know.
I can't even...

ROB: There they are. Yeah.
(LIZ CHUCKLES)

Hey.

She bragging about me?

(ALL CHUCKLING)

Put a bunch of videos
on YouTube yesterday.

I'm up to a hundred hits,
SO, sensacion, as they say.

(CHUCKLING)

It's empty.

Boink!

He has a yeast
infection in his paws,
between his paw pads,

and I have to get a wipe,
and I have to wipe out
his paws every night.

Are you gonna
get me a drink?

Can you give me
a chance to offer?

(SCOFFS)

One thousand euthanized a year
just in this county.

I woke up one day, and boom.
No more periods.

What the fuckenheimer?
Grown-up parties suck.

(SIGHS) How can one person
have two colonoscopy stories?

I'm gonna get
the dancing started.

Get in there, kid.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hi.

Oh.
Sure don't feel
like your age.

I hope that you
have got your phone
in your front pocket.

(GROANS)

(MUSIC PLAYING THROUGH STEREO)
No.

MAURA: Whoo!

Come on.
Here we go. Here we go!

Hey, you can't
start with Mony Mony!

That's like
starting with anal.
Oh.

All right.

Geernt!

Hi, there.
Dropping off paint.

I'll put it by the pool.

So?
Okay.

MR. GEERNT: My apologies.
I was worried

you were having a party,
but I see now,

you really are having a wake.

Hey.

This party is fucking lame.
Do you...

Drugs? I know a guy.

Call him.

HAE-WON: Hello!
HAE-WON'S HOTTIES: Hil

Hae-Won!

No, Hae-Won.

Right, sorry. You made it.
I can't believe it. Look!

What? Look at this
flock of hotties.

Wow. You look so happy.

You look so free and
not oppressed at all.
We were worried about you.

Really? We were
worried about you.

Both your feet
looked like dried beef.

Ah, I knew you were
talking shit about us.

Who wants a drink?
Come on.

HOTTIE 1:
Let's go get drink!
HOTTIE 2: Let's party!

Thank you so
much for having us.

What? You're leaving?
ROB: Great party.

Kate, they're leaving.
Hey! (STAMMERS)

Chase has night terrors.

KATE: Absolutely not.

Everybody,
huddle up for a second.

To anyone who's even
thinking about leaving,

you can forget it.

You need this
as much as we do.

Just as much as we do.

If you think I strapped
all this shit on tonight

so you could be home
to watch Flip or Flop,

you are fucking dreaming.

You're dreaming.

Dan and Kim.
You got four kids,

and from what I can thin slice
from your Christmas letters,
they're wangs.

Thank you. Wait, what?

Kelly! Your profile pic
is a low-fat
Mexican casserole.

Yeah, it is.

Rob, when was
the last time you danced

with the night air
hitting your nips?

Guns N' Roses.
Citrus Bowl, 1991.

(ALL MURMURING)

Don't you wanna feel
that carefree again?

Just, like,
balls deep in joy?

ALL: Yes!
Yeah. Where'd them balls go?

What are you doing?
I'm being your hype man.

Great. It's not too late.

The young you
still lives inside you.

Just like shingles, y'all.

KATE: We used to party
in this house like animals

because we thought
we would never die.

I say, tonight,
we party like Vikings

because we know we
could die tomorrow!

Let's light a boat on fire!

(ALL CHEERING)

KATE: Tonight
is my gift to you!

Drink up and run
with scissors tonight,
because Mama got you.

Aw, shit!

(ALL CHEERING)
MAN: Yeah, Mamal!

Now, go call your sitters!

But what should we call them?

(ALEX CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHS)

Alex is still funny, guys.

(ALL CHUCKLING)

Thanks.
I'm pouring shots.

Now remind me that
you know how to do this.
Whoo!

JERRY: I remember
how to do it!

And let's dance
our titties off!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

ALL: (CHANTING)
Shot, shot, shot!

(ALL CHEERING)

Next round, vodka!

Have you done it?

MAURA: Only people
with children.

People with kids.
People with kids.

(YELLING)

(MUSIC VOLUME INCREASES)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Hey!

That's a really
beautiful orchid.
Is that for me?

No, this is mine.
(MAURA CHUCKLES)

Maura.
Invite Doctor Bushwhack in.

Show him where to put
his things. I'll greet.

Uh, please come in,
and take off your...

Just come in.

JAMES: There you go.

Oh, thank you.
No problem.

It's beautiful.
Thank you.

Wow. It smells amazing.

Do orchids smell?

They can,
if you get fungus gnats.

And those are
hard to get rid of.
It stinks up your whole house.

But this one looks good.

JAMES: Yeah,
this is pretty healthy.

(DOORBELL RINGS)
Why don't you
greet your guests?

I'm gonna make myself a drink,
and face the wall.

KATE: Cover time.
Twenty bucks for
the booze and food, please.

Kate. The lesbians are here.

Excellent.

Hey. Cool if I spin
some tunes?

I'm afraid to tell you no.

Great.
Great.

KATE: Let them through,
everybody!

Get ready for
a Sarah McLachlan/Tracy
Chapman mash-up.

(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, yeah!

Oh, shit.

(MUSIC STOPS)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(ALL CHEERING)

KATE: Can I talk to
you for a second?
Yeah.

How's it going in there?

Well, I told him
about my fungus gnats.

Let him do
the bulk of the talking.

Yeah, I'm just afraid
when it gets quiet.

Good things are
hidden in the quiet.

Who said that?

I did. I'm smart.

Okay.

You should put that
on one of your cards.

But it is expected of you.
Your absence has already
been noted.

JOFFREY ON TV:
The boy means nothing to me.

I can't stand
the wailing of women.

(BRINDA GRUNTS)

God, I could watch
Tyrion slap the smug

off that little fucker's
face a hundred times

and never get sick of it.
(ALL CHUCKLING)

Did you know that Jack Gleeson
was the little boy
in Batman Begins?

Jean, when you use
the actors' real names,

you're not allowing
yourself to live inside
the fantasy world

that they've so
lovingly crafted for us.

Oh, and just a reminder
there's a no phone policy
on our G.O.T. nights.

DENNY: I'm sorry.

lan Mitchell
keeps posting photos
of the Ellis Island party,

and it looks
like kinda damn fun.

I kinda wanna drop by.

They have cheese.
(GASPS)

DENNY: Cheese.

All we have is wine.

And it's non-alcoholic.

JEAN: We don't have to take
off our shoes there.

And there
aren't so many rules.
(EXHALES)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

I'll take another one...

JAMES: Hey.
MAURA: Hey.

Man, I haven't been
to a party in a while.

I know. The last party
I went to was probably
my wedding reception.

This wine...
So did you see
your parents die?

(STAMMERING) No, I didn't,

but I know they did.

(CHUCKLES)
Well, that's good to know.

It's not good to know.

Hey, it's okay.

I mean,
you can ask me anything.

What do you want
to know about me?

I have nachos that
are in the broiler.

I have to go get them.

Yeah, go.
Do your thing.
I'll be here.

All right.
All right.

What are you doing
out here by yourself?
Where's your boyfriend?

No, I don't think he's
right for me. It's a pass.

He's so direct, you know.
There's no surprises there.

There's not a lot
to discover.

I mean, I like mystery.
And, you know, great sex is so
distracting. I mean, it's...

It's nice to be...
Mmm-hmm...

...S0 physically,
emotionally attracted
to someone.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

But that's not what life is.

Life is about challenges
and shadows and
corners and feeling weird.

You are so full of shit,
that I'm gonna
buy you Pull-Ups.

I just think we're
gonna be very good friends.

I think you're
being a little dramatic.
I'm not.

I asked him if he
saw his parents die.

Oh, Jesus.

Yeah. I don't like
this feeling.
What feeling?

This high school feeling
when you're
crushing on someone

and you're afraid
that they're not
gonna like you back,

and then you're
gonna get heart cramps.

Hey, I think you're
getting ahead of yourself.

Someone else is
talking to him anyway.

Brinda?

Oh, hail naw!

Are you serious?
Because I am
straight-up baffled.

I'm sorry?

I believe you
called this party
a "sad and desperate event"?

Well, I just figured
I'd pop in and say hello
to everyone.

I mean, we're all
adults now, right?

Nice try.
On your bike, bitch.

Get your peanut butter
out of my sister's chocolate.

Wow.

I respect your jumpsuit,
but not its contents. Hit it.

Well, this is ludicrous.

(IMITATES GULPING)
Get out.

Fine. I have another function
to attend anyway.

Besides, I flushed
a tampon down your toilet.

You're pads all the way
and everyone knows it.

BRINDA: Nuh-uh.

Let's go. Let's get
out of this septic tank.

I kind of want
to stay a little.

Yeah, me too.

For serious?

We never got to go before
because Kate hated you.

We suffered from
secondhand hate.

(HISSES)

Wow.

(GASPS)
(DRIPPING)

Hi. You guys are welcome here.
You know that, right?

Do you wanna do
some shots?
Yeah.

Hi, I'd like to
make a noise complaint.

Winter is coming, bitches.

MAURA: So,
what's this order again?
JAMES: All right.

It goes salt.

Shot.

And then
we suck on these?

No, you throw them
at each other.
(CHUCKLES)

That's the way
you're supposed to.

KATE: Maura?
That's what...

Some guy here to see you?

Excuse me.

All right. Go do it.

My dude's in the bedroom.
What dude?

Some kid we're
buying weed from.

Ooh, okay.

Hi, there.

Holy mother.

That's right.
This is my best friend,
my brah, right?

This is Pazuzu.

It sure is.

Pazuzu. Thank you so much
for bringing your arms here.

Your drugs here.

Uh, is your ink Samoan?
I saw a documentary once...

I will handle this.

We are looking for...
To buy drugs.

(SNIFFS)

What'chu want?

I got ketamine,
meth, MDMA, Adderall,

Bromo-Dragonfly,
heroin, coke, crack,
codeine, oxys,

(EXCLAIMS)
percs, vikes,

PCP, LSD, Dilaudid, mescaline,

mushrooms, bath salts,
cortisone, Toradol.

I got molly.
I got her sister Sandra.
I got big Frank.

I got birth control.
I got Plan B.

I got that morphine from China
they took off the market.

Shit to make
your dick hard.

Shit to make
your dick soft.
Shit'll find your dick.

That shit there's
from Kenya.

Supposed to be a scurvy cure
for silverback gorillas,

but for humans,
it just makes them
violently masturbate.

Did I say crack?
Because I got
more of that, too.

Mmm-hmm. You said
crack already.

I got some Ibuprofen, aspirin.
I got Flintstone Gummies
if you want.

You seem good at your job.

We don't need
any of that. No.
No.

We're just gonna
take some low-level,
late '80s dirt pot.

You know, the kind with
seeds in it that you
separate on a Frisbee.

Something you smoke
at a Bangles concert.

I didn't drive my ass
across town to sell some
moms some fucking dirt pot.

Y'all gonna buy
some Cloud 10.

DAVE: I'm sorry, man.
They're just new
to the game.

Ladies, come on.
This is Cloud 10.

This is the shiz, a'ight?

This is, like,
70% molly, 20% Adderall,
and it's 10% fun!

What's that last 10%?

Snow leopard.
Fun.

No, seriously. I'm a nurse.
So, just give me a name.

Mystic.
I actually don't know.

You know what?
You seem like a pro,

so we'll just
take a little ohwheed

and just a skosh
of Cloud 10.

MAURA: Are there
hazelnuts in that?

I'll take the
stuff for the dick.
I got you.

KATE: I'll take this.
PAZUZU: Y'all mind if I
hang out a bit?

Uh... Nah.
Nah.

(STAMMERING) Please,
please, please don't.
Nuh-uh.

Don't stay...
Stay. Yep.
Thanks.

Hey, you don't have
any Goldfish
crackers up there?

Don't mean to be coy.

MAURA: Oh, hi, Alex.

I'm just hiding this stevia.
That shit's expensive.

Koi, goldfish.

(CHUCKLES) You.

You know, you're the
type of badass that I was
susceptible to in my youth.

I used to make out
with my Stretch
Armstrong doll,

so this is, like,
a full circle moment for me.

It's cool. I invented
the Fleshlight. I just
do this shit on the side.

Right on.

Excuse me.

(POLICE SIREN BLARES)

Hey. Turn the music off!

Everybody duck!

(ALL MURMURING)

Quack, quack.

Hi. We donated already.

Hey. We received
a noise complaint?

Oh, Officer, we are so sorry.
We'll shut everything down.

No, it's...

Wait a minute.
Your eyes are gorgeous.

You know you look exactly
like an Affleck brother,
right?

I mean, it is like,
dead ringer times.

Any underage
drinking going on?

Oh, no. No.
No.

Everybody's
double 21 in there.

Way over age.

We had a 60-year-old
buy our beer.

Well, you don't look
a day over 25.

MAURA: Thank you.

Thirty-five.

Oh!

Just do me a favor
and act your ages
and keep it down?

We will keep it down.

We will keep it so down,
like, below sea level.

Nice teamwork.
Yeah.

I miss flirting
with cops.

(MAURA CHUCKLING)
He was so afraid of us.

(WHISPERS) Motherfucker,
titty-sucker,
two-balled bitch.

First PoPo of the night
thwarted by charm.

Ellis Island, proceed, y'all!

(ALL CHEERING)

Hey. I put in a request
for our special song

SO we can do
the Applebutt Jam.

I don't think we
should do that tonight.
That's not that cool.

No! Tonight is my night,
and it is cool,

because we're doing it,
and we're cool.

(REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALL CHEERING)

It's good, right?

(LAUGHS)

Whoo!

(KELLY CRYING)

KATE: Come here, peanut.

Tell Mama what's
freaking you the fuck out
about time.

I don't know.
It's just like...

The other day,
I saw this old lady

looking at me through
a window on the street,

and I felt bad
for her, you know?

I waved at her,
and she waved back at me,

and then I realized
that was just my reflection.

It was just me and my
old beef jerky face.

(SOBBING)

Why does time
do that to faces?

Why?

Don't do that.

When the time is right,
smoke this with
your gentleman friend.

I'm gonna make space cakes
for the rest of the gang
like a goddamn June Cleaver

because I have
a domestic side.
Mmm-hmm.

Look what fell
into my cleavage.

Plinko! Jackpot!
(CHUCKLES) Let's go.

Ooh...

Do you play any sports?

Tennis,
for a little while.

That's what
I was gonna guess.

Okay, Dribbles.
I got you, girl.
Hey.

(SIGHS)
Let's go right in there.

Get you looking
nice and clean so you can
throw up on it later.

You look like
you naturally have
no body hair whatsoever.

Do you oil yourself
up a lot?

When I need to get
through a narrow shaft.

Danger. Walk away.
That's a black diamond slope.

Why ain't you partying?

Because I'm
the designated mom tonight.
I'm keeping everybody safe.

Do you have kids?

I'm sure I do.

(MOUTHING) Shit.

DAVE: Hey, Kate.
You remember when
you scaled that

sucker right there
up to the last beam

and you hollered,
"I'm the bomb!"

Like it was yesterday, yo.

Well, come on, Kate.
What are you waiting for?

Come on, everybody.
Kate, Kate!

ALL: (CHANTING)
Kate, Kate, Kate!

(WHISTLING)

When you're sober,
it's kind of like,
"Why would anyone do this?"

ALL: (CHANTING)
Kate, Kate, Kate!

Come on, Kate. Come on!

KATE: This is scary as shart.
(ALL GASPING)

How did I not die
doing this?

Don't try this.
This is not safe.

Somebody moved these bricks.

FEMALE GUEST:
Hang tight, lady!
(ALL CHEERING)

KATE: This is for
the fucking birds. Shitters.

Oh, you guys.
You guys are gonna love this.

Don't move.
Stay right there.

(LAUGHS)

All right. Ready? Ready?

Okay, guys,
can you guess who I am? Ready?

You wanna play rough?
Okay. Say hello to
my little friend!

Cheech! No, Chong.
ALEX: No, no, no.

Say hello to my little friend!

(EXCLAIMS)

ROB: Tim Allen.
No.

Say hello to my little friend.
Bullets? Nothing.

I love cocaine!
Because I have
a scar on my face!

(CHUCKLES)

(SNIFFING AND SNORTING)

(LAUGHS)

(COUGHING HEAVILY)

It's stevia!
(CHUCKLES) Psych!

It's stevia!

(BABBLES)

(CHUCKLES AND YELLS)

(COUGHING HEAVILY)

Hmm... (PANTS)

Come on. You can get this!

So, if I read this,

will I get, like,
amazing insight
into who you are?

I am afraid so.
Okay.

Way behind the curtain.
Like, in the broom closet.

Well, I like broom closets.
Here we go.

(READING)
"I tried tampons.

"No thanks, Tom Hanks."
(CHUCKLES)

"It felt like I fell
down hard on a popsicle."

Oh, man.

That's from last week.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

It's good stuff in here.

It's my gift to you.

I love it. I want more.

Now you tell me a secret.

Okay.

I lost a whole bunch
of weight recently.

Like, 70 pounds.

Wow. That's great.
Yeah, it's a lot.

All right,
tell me something else.

Oh, uh... (SIGHS)

I got divorced.

So, you lost,
like, 200 pounds.

(CHUCKLING)

(SNIFFS)

Let's...

You wanna try something?

Okay.

Um...

On the count of three...
Mmm-hmm.

...let's say what
we're both afraid of.

I mean,
unless you don't want to.

No, I'm not afraid
to say it.

Okay?
Okay, ready?

BOTH: One.

Two.

Three.

Alligators.
Choking on a steak.

Not great. (CHUCKLES)

Let's really say
what we're afraid of.

Like, for real.

Okay.
Okay?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Ready?

BOTH: One, two, three.

I'm afraid that I'm boring...
I'm afraid that
losing weight...

...and I have
too much baggage.
...won't fix everything.

Did you lose weight to
gain self-confidence?

No.

I think I lost the weight

so I could gain a better view
of my perfect penis.

I missed the little guy.
Not little.

(CHUCKLES)

Medium.
I miss the medium guy.

You are so not boring,
by the way.

You've already
fixed so many things.

There used to be
so much stuff here.

This attic made
me feel very safe.

Well, a house
is just a building.

Home is a feeling.

That's beautiful.
Thank you.

Who said that?

I did. Just now.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)

(BLOWS)

Ugh. (COUGHS)

(LAUGHING)

Were you shotgunning me?
I am so sorry.

I misjudged the shotgun.
I was going to.

It's my fault.
I was showboating.

I am so sorry
about that.
(BOTH LAUGHING)

(IN CUBAN ACCENT)
You talking to me?

Is you talking to me?

Uh, Robert Pacino.

Aah! No bullets!

(IN CUBAN ACCENT) Why don't
you try sticking your head
up your ass? See if it fits?

What's the one...
Grimace?
No.

Why don't you try
sticking your head
up your ass? (LAUGHS)

(QUICKLY) Why don't you
try sticking your head
up your ass?

See if it fits!
See if it fits!

(LAUGHS) Stevia!

Why don't you stick
your head up your ass?

See if it fits?
(LAUGHING)

Why don't you try
sticking your head up
your ass and see if it fits?

Pass.

Why don't you stick your
head up your ass and
see if it fits?

Scarface!

Scarface.
Scarface?

Yes!

That's who I was
the whole fucking time!

Awesome, man.

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

You got to want
it a little less.

I can feel
my hair growing!

Alex, come on.

Do you hear that?
It's Tipsy!

Oh, I love this song!
I got to dance. Here we go.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh. Ohl

(MAURA CHUCKLING)
Hey, you backing it up!

This is your theme now.

Who, me? Or, e'rybody?

Ah, e'rybody.

(SINGING) 'Cause e'rybody
got got to get tipsy

What?
(BREATHING HEAVILY)

JAMES: Yeah!

E'rybody in the club get tipsy

Not just you.
Not just me. E'rybody.

E'rybody. E'ry day,
e'ry hour, e'ry minute.

Huh! (YELLS)

(CRASHES)
(ALL YELLING)

JAMES: Oh, my God!
(YELLS)

(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, God.
Wait, come here.
Come here.

Here we go.
My dad's
gonna murder me!

Shh. Maura, look at me.
I can fix this.
(CREAKING)

Oh, God. Go. Go, go, go.

JAMES: Whoa!
MAURA: No, no, no!

JAMES: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

(MAURA SCREAMS)
JAMES: No!

(BOTH MOANING)

(BOTH SPITTING)

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

(SIGHS)

I'm really

itchy.

It went up my nose.

It went up my butt.
(CHUCKLES)
(COUGHING)

Are we gonna die?

No, this stuff's safe.
This is all from the '70s.
(LAUGHS)

Wow! This is fucked up!

(SCREAMING)

(LAUGHS)

I wanna do that foam thing
like we saw at
the Fart Mitzvah.

(HAE-WON'S HOTTIES CHUCKLING)

(LAUGHING) Ah!

(LAUGHS)

Ooh!

I need to talk
to you outside. Now.
Oh. Oh.

Well, let's do this.
My earrings are
coming off, bohatch!

Why? You gonna hit me
with your long-ass earlobes?

BRINDA: Oh.
(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)

I have been waiting
a long time for this.

Hey!

Hey!

Let me in!

This is bullshit!

(ALL CHEERING)

(VOCALIZES)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

MAURA: Hey.
How's everything going?

KATE: I'm crushing it.
How's the man-harvest going?

James is so hot.

My high school heart cramp
has turned into a heart-on.

I have a heart-on for him.
I have a raging heart-on.

I don't get it.
Explain it more.
I have a...

KATE: Who the hell
did that?
MAURA: I did.

You are so badass!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

BOTH: Fuck the Geernts!

Okay, I'm gonna
dive back in. Bye!

BRINDA: Fucking party.

(SLOSHING)

Jackpot.

(EVIL LAUGHTER)

Foam party!

Strip it down, town!

(PHONE RINGING)
Oh, shit. It's my parents!

Shut the fuck up!
It's her parents!

Everyone, I'm gonna sneeze,
shut the fuck up!

(IMITATES SNEEZE)

(HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Hello?

Hi!
You're home!
We're coming over.

Oh, no, don't come over.

We're just in our pj's
watching Risky Business.

Maura told us the wonderful
news about you and Haley
moving to Orlando!

And you got a job!

Not hers to tell, but okay.

Your dad and I got an idea.

And we're only medium drunk.

Could you headline
news it for me?

Yes.

We are gonna give you
50% of the money
from the sale of the house

and then we're
gonna use the other 50%
to pay off the condo.

And we're leaving
Maura the stocks.

DEANNA: We thought that
you could use the money

to buy a little house
for you and Haley.

Would I have to
pay the money back?

Or would it be more
of a "wink-wink" loan?

We're giving it to you.

For free.

DEANNA: As a love gift.

That solves a lot of things.

Okay, I got to go now.
Thanks so much.

DEANNA: Okle dokle.

Wash and dry any
tea cups you use,

and we're very
happy for you, honey.

Okay, thanks, bye!

(CHUCKLES)

Holy shit.

(GUESTS CHEERING)

Holy shit.

ALL: (CHANTING)
Rob, Rob, Rob!

I'm the bomb!

I'm the bomb!

I'm the bomb! I'm the bomb!

Okay, guys?

I'm actually gonna
need everyone to just

start cleaning up the area
where they're standing.

Everybody, gather round, okay?

I just smoked some
21st century pot.

(CHEERING)

So I need to say my mind.
Make it quick.

Release your boobs!

No, my boobs are
sleeping right now.

Six more weeks of winter!

I wanna thank my sister, Kate,
for holding down the fort

and helping me have
the best night of my life.

(ALL CHEERING)
Wrapping it up.

In the spirit
of my sister,

I encourage all of you
to make your mark on
this house tonight.

No, do not make your mark.

(ALL CHEERING)

Where's my handyman?

Hey. I like that
you know who you are.

And that you ask
for what you want.

And I think
you're really cute.
Thank you.

But, whatever, dude.
A lot of people
are cute, so relax.

Okay. (CHUCKLING)

MAURA: Anyway,
seriously, you guys.

Remember who you really are
and be that you!

(CHEERING)

Be that what?
ALL: (CHANTING) You!

What that you?
ALL: (CHANTING) Be!

Be what you?

ALL: (HESITANTLY) That!

MALE GUEST: You!

(SCREAMING) It's "that,"
it's fucking "be that you!"

Be that you!
Be that you!
Be that you!

DAVE: All right,
don't yell at me.

I just did it three times!
Don't yell at me!

Who's yelling?

One more time. Be what you?

ALL: (CHANTING) That!

You got it! I'm out.

Thank you.
Good night. We are closed.

Take the party outside!

(CHEERING)

KATE: No, that way.

Guys, that way!

(CLATTERING)

I liked your speech.

I'm meeting you
in the bedroom.

I'm going in there
to fix the drywall.
(CHUCKLES)

(MUFFLED) Okay. Okay.

(CHUCKLES)
Excuse me, please.
(MUFFLED) Excuse me.

Alex, take your
dick out of the paint,
right this minute!

No! I'm gonna draw suh-in!

I'm like a little
Pablo Dickasso!

(SLOSHING)

(GRUNTING) Hey, man.
I got you. Shit!

(LAUGHING)

(GLASS SHATTERS)

Yes, my neighbors are
having a loud party,
and I'd like to complain.

I need you to shut it down.

(POLICE SIREN BLARING)

KATE: Oh, man.

Who called the cops?

Having a pretty
big party, huh?

Oh, is 500 people too much?

MAURA: PoPo! PoPo!

Oh, somebody call
a stripper?

You gonna take your
clothes off for us?
You can't come in here.

Without the judge
signing the thing.
I got this.

This is where I live.

This is our house.
Yep.

This where we live, okay?

And this is our property
for the next 24 hours.

A lot of sex is gonna happen.
A lot of sexy times.

You can't stop that.

Last time I checked,
sex wasn't against the law,

as much as you
would love that,
wouldn't you?

Maura, please behave.
Why don't you
step off, blue?

Don't you know
I'm loco? Shit!

KATE: Now we know that.

MAURA: Officer Donuts.

Why don't you go
back into your squad car

and go save
a kitten from a tree,

because these
pussies are doing fine.

All right? Clean the donuts
out of your ears

and hear the words
that are coming out
of my mouth.

I will protect my all's
property from all y'all
and that's including moi.

That means "me."

It means "me."
I don't...
It doesn't mean you.

I don't need to
protect anything from her.
That's my sister.

Right.
From the same mister,
who's our dad.

So, wrap your mind
around that, Cap'n Crunch.

Capeach?

I know something about you.
You're a nice person, right?

And you look like a Ken doll,
hopefully with the genitals.
Fingers crossed.

You've picked
a very great profession.
And I salute you.

But you know what?
This is how I'll salute you.

Like this. I'm sorry.

KATE: Wait,
that didn't happen,
nobody saw that.

MAURA: I got this.

What are you writing down?
Nothing. It's my pad.

MAURA: Here, I have something
you should write down.

E-A-T.

S-H-I-T.

Okay, my sister is clearly
riding the ditch
at this late hour.

Can you shut this shit down?

(STAMMERS)
Was that Maura Ellis?

Yeah.

(CHUCKLES)

She went to
the sophomore formal

with my cousin
who has spina bifida.

Of course she did!

She is a lovely person.
He still talks about it.

Yeah.
(CHUCKLES)
You know what?

You guys enjoy your party.

No. No, no.

No. No! Wait!

There's a drunk, blind guy
swinging a gun around!

(CHUCKLES) No way. Enjoy!

Fuck! (SIGHS)

MAURA: Hey.

How's it going in here?

Good, I think.

Yeah, I think you're all set.

I'm gonna have to
come back tomorrow
and finish this,

because I am drunk
and stoned.

Well, I'm totally sober, so.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

I did a really bad job.

You're very tall.
How tall are you?

About 6'3".
With the ladder,
about 7'6".

(CHUCKLES)
So, I'm just gonna...

Thanks so much for
cleaning this all up.

Oh, yeah.

Do you wanna keep
working off the clock?

Yeah.
Because my bed is broken.

Do you want me to fix it?

Yeah. Lock the door.

People, I'm in charge here,
and I say it's over.

Okay? We had a great time.
Let's wrap it up.

ALL: (IN UNISON) No!

Why? What?

This is such
a brilliant idea!

Free slicking.

I wish we had
some lubricant.

What perfume is on you?

You like that?
Yeah, I do.

It's Risky by
Jennifer Love Hewitt.
You can only get it at Kohl's.

I'm wearing
Erection by Calvin Klein.

I cannot!

What did I ever do to you
to make you abhor me so?

Are you seriously asking?

You probably
don't remember.

Oh, I remember.

We were about to have
the best Ellis
Island party ever

because my
cousin met John Stamos
at Disney and he was coming.

But you narced
to your cop dad.

I narced because
he made me!

How? How did he even know?

Because when I found out
that I wasn't
invited to your party

it hurt me so very deep,
that I threw up really hard.

Why didn't you invite me?

(SQUEALS) Why?

I was kind and clean!

And I got mostly B's!

I know, I cheated off you.

And then you decided
that I was a "no."

And then everybody decided
that I was a "no"!

And then guess who decided
that I was a "no"?

The Bachelor?

Me.

So, I have decided
that tonight I deserve
to be here.

Tonight, I am a "yes."

I am a "hell yes"!

I am a "yeah."

I am a "hell yeah."

I am a "fuck to the yeah"!

Wordsmith.
I am a "yippie-ki-yay yes"!

And you know what
the saddest part is?

Your vagina?

No.

The saddest part

is that you and I
used to have a blast
in grade school.

And we would probably
still be friends

if you weren't such
a selfish hothead.

I am not a selfish hothead!

Put that phone down!
Give me that.
No!

Give me that phone!
Give me that!

No! Don't touch my phone.

(YELLING) Maura! Maura!

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hi, honey.

HALEY: Hi, Mom, I'm here.

I'm at Gram and Gramps'.

You're here?
In Orlando?
Yeah.

Oh, great. Okay.

They told me that
they're gonna help us
get a house.

Do you want me to
come down there
and we can talk about it?

Uh, we're all pretty
wiped from packing.

You know,
I would say maybe just
get some rest and...

So come over
in the morning.

Wait. You want me to come
there in the morning?

You have been
begging me for weeks
to tell you where I am,

and now that I'm here
you're gonna blow me off?

No, I'm not blowing you off!

I'm so excited! We're getting
a house, and you're gonna
have your own room.

I got a baloney dick!

Who has a baloney dick?
Nobody.

HALEY: Are you at
a party right now?

Earlier. We had
a packing cookout.

Cookout
with your cock out.

(WHISPERS)
I'm on the phone!

You say that
you want a fresh start

and everyone
is trying to help us out,

and this is how
you thank them?

It's not what you think.
No, it's exactly
what I think.

I start trusting you again
and then you turn around

and you start acting like
one of the Real Housewives
of Orange County.

Can you just give me a chance
to make it right?

No! I don't wanna live
with my loser mom who parties.

You know what? Tonight,
I'm actually the only person
who's not partying.

Yeah, right.

(RETCHES)

Fuck it.

ALL: Kate! Kate! Kate!

(ALL CHEERING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey. Lollapazuzu,
I'm partying now.

You ready for me?

I've been ready.

My safe word
is "Keep going."

I don't need one.
You will.

I don't have insurance.

(ALL CHEERING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

You have such
a good, solid, man face.

I'm gonna do stuff
to you right now.
You are?

Yes.
Okay.

Put your pants off.
I'm sorry.

I meant to say that
a little smoother

but I'm very, very drunk,
plus stoned. Let's go.

Just open up your parts.
Put your pants off.

No, no, no.
I'm putting them
off right now.

Yep, here we go.
Yeah!

(SCREAMING)

(ALL CHEERING)

You have kids?

Two girls in Korea.
Oh, I miss them bad.

So far.

I put their hairs
in my bra.

I miss how my daughter smells
when she has wet hair.

She die?
No.

I haven't been
able to find her,
like, all summer.

That is fucked up.

Don't judge me.
Your kids are in
another country.

That's fucked up.

I work my butt
to save my kids

so they can come
live with me.

I used to be
pediatric radiologist.

What?

What do you do
for your kid?

Hmm?

(SNIFFS)

You wanna hug?

Yeah, give this
messy bitch a hug.

Katie, what's
the matter, baby?

Aw, look at you. Don't cry.
It's gonna make me cry.

People are really working
their shit out at this thing.

This is like
Korean drama.

Heads up! Whoo!

You're out of booze.

(SIGHS)
I'm on it.

Party mom
to the rescue.

Okay, we're gonna
get started in one second.

Okay.
(LAUGHS)

Hello.

(LAUGHING)
Hey, you're number one.

Okay, let's
take it up a notch.

Okay, you know
what time it is?
No.

It's candle play time.
Uh-oh! (LAUGHS)

I should warn you
that this did not go well

when I was having sex
with Frankenstein. (LAUGHING)

Fire bad.

Oh. Ah.
Yeah, I'm ready.

Oh! (LAUGHING)

I didn't think...
That's wild. That's wild.

Oh, God. I didn't think
I was gonna like it,
but I like it.

How does this
sucker not stay lit?

Okay.
Hold the sex phone.

All right.
Just getting into it.

Oh, look who
we have here.

Garfield!
(LAUGHS)

Garfield always
comes through.
Yeah, he's...

He's gonna help us out.
(SCREAMING)
Oh, God!

Oh, God!

Shit. Fuck!

Oh! No! Shit!

(GASPS)

(SCREAMS)

My God!

(SCREAMING)

Oh, fuck!

Did you fall
on something sharp?
Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Okay, did it go up
inside of you
by way of your rectum?

Yeah, I think so.

It feels like a
small trophy or...
(GRUNTS) A collectible.

James, I am a nurse. Okay?

I can get whatever
is up there out.

No, I don't
want you to look.

It's not Maura,
the woman that you were
kissing who's gonna look.

It's a nurse
who just got here.
Okay.

Hello, sir.
Nice to meet you
for the first time.

(SCREAMING)
Okay. All right.
Okay.

I'm just gonna roll you over
so I can examine your rectum.

Okay. Stop.
Stop saying rectum.

I'm gonna get it out,
whatever it is.
Mmm-hmm. Okay.

So I'm just gonna twist it,
and pull it out slowly.
Mmm-hmm.

Just breathe.

(WINDING)

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

It's a music box.

Yep.

It's my ballerina
music box.
Mmm-hmm.

And she's in high-fifth
position, which is why
she went in so easily.

Okay.

Is it past the tutu?

Yeah.
Mmm.

That's why
it's catching.

So, okay, James,
I'm gonna try something here.

No. Nah, I'm good.
It's okay.

I know, I know.
Just give me a second.

Okay, hold on!
(SCREAMS)

That's turning inside me!
Just let it wind down.

(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)
(EXHALES)

I think it's almost done.

It's Swiss-made,
so it may take a while.

How long
is this fucking song?

It really is
a beautiful melody.

Beethoven. What a...
What a genius.

Mmm-hmm.

And we're do... Nope.

It went around again.
Yeah.

Okay, you know what?
I'm gonna hop up.

Okay. You got it?
Yeah, I got it.
Yeah, no, no.

It didn't happen.
It never happened.
(SCREAMING)

James, seriously.

Be gentle.
Be very, very careful.

I'm gonna borrow this.
Let's not make this
the headline of the night.

We are gonna laugh
about this someday.

You know, that is not
the worst rectal accident
I've ever seen.

Thanks for that.

Thanks for cleaning up
the fucking gel, Kate!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Holy shit.

Help me wash it off.
Yeah?

Kate?

Has anyone seen my sister?

She's sober and she needs to
drive us to the hospital.

(ROARS) I think
I got the gangrene.

I might have
fucked a copy machine!

Good Lord.

Are you okay?

I swallowed
my wedding ring!

Where's my purse?

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

Hmm?

HALEY: Hey, Aunt Maura.
I just landed in Orlando!
Thanks for our conversation.

I'm glad you talked me
into coming down.
I do trust you.

I set the alarm at your condo,

and I gave my keys
to your pet-sitter,
like you told me.

And I sent you a picture
of me and Polenta.
She misses you.

Oh, hell no.

Where is my purse?
Have you seen it anywhere?

It was just here.

(HISSES)
(SCREAMS)

Oh, shit.

More stevia!

Cloud Nine didn't
have this glitch in it.

Hey! Calm down.

Oh, steamroller!

Steamroller!

Santa, help me!

(SHOUTING)

(GRUNTING)

Okay, good night.

Good night,
sweet prince.

James!

James.

James, let me
get you to a hospital.

No, I'm all right.
The thing is...

Maura, thank you
for your help, but I know
what's best for me.

And right now...

I think I need to be
alone with my asshole.

Okay.
Good night, Maura.

ALEX: I need more stevia!

Where's Kate?

Oh, she went to
go get booze.

She was pretty drunk.

ALEX: Say hello
to my little friend!
Of course she was.

(LAUGHS) Let's get
this party started!

HAE-WON: He's on Cloud 10!

(GROANS)

I'm Alex.

We are going to dance floor
to dance out the rat poison.

What the fuck?

Hey. I'm sorry.
Hold on one second.
Hold on one second.

Oh, my God! er

Yeah,
I'll be right there.

I'm kidding!

(ALL LAUGHING)

But thanks for finally
laughing, you fucking
assholes! (LAUGHS)

Oh, I'm gonna Kill her!

Where's my sister?

Kate!

Girl fight!

Maura!

Kate!
Maura!

Girl fight!

Where's my sister?

KELLY: Girl fight!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Go, go, go!

(SCREAMS)

(ALL CHEERING)

We did it, you guys.

We stopped time!

(ALL CHEERING)

It's snowing!

Yes! Yes!

DAVE: Oh, my God.
You guys.

Sinkhole!

(ALL SCREAMING)

MALE GUEST: Oh, shit!
(GASPS)

Look at this!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

There's a sinkhole.
There's a sinkhole.

Look at this.

You told me you were gonna
take care of things

and you let
everything go to shit.

Where did you go?

You were supposed
to stay sober.
I was supposed to get laid!

Oh, I'm so sorry that you
couldn't get laid for the five
millionth time in your life.

Oh, I get!
I get my fucking dick
when I want to.

Don't you ever
pull that shit with me!

I know you get tons of dick!

Just not tonight
and not recently.
Mmm-hmm.

Where's my daughter, Maura?

Do you know?

No.

Look me in the eyes.

I don't know
where she is.

You've always been
a fucking terrible liar.

Where is my
daughter, Maura?

She has been
staying with me
in Atlanta.

Since when?

June.

June.

You watched me
worry about her
like an idiot,

fucking texting her
every day, and freaking out
about her every day.

And she was living
with you the whole time?

Okay, but the thing is,
she didn't want you to know.

You're my sister!
You should have
told me she was safe!

She is. She was!
The thing is, Haley needs...

Don't tell me
what my daughter
needs, okay?

Why don't you drive yourself
to fucking Petco and find
a fucking husband?

Or go breastfeed a squirrel,
you sad excuse for a woman.

Oh.

MALE GUEST 2: Oh, shit!

(ALL GASPING)

(GRUNTING)

This reminds me
of that movie we watched
on our anniversary.

Ow! Ow!

My hip, my hip!

Are you okay?
Yeah.

Can you move it?
Yeah.

Good, because
I'm gonna kill you!

I really hope
Maura cracks her in half.

Come on, Maura!
(HAWKING)

Don't you spit on me.

Why are you
hitting yourself?
Not cool!

Wait a second.
I'm posting this shit straight
on PoolsideBitchFights.com.

BRINDA: Kick her in the tits!

KATE: Haley is my kid,
not yours!

God damn it!

What have you
done to our house?

Stop that
mud wrestling now!

HALEY: Mom, leave
Aunt Maura alone.

I was doing just fine
living with her.

I mean, ask
Gram and Gramps.

You guys knew
all along that she was
living with Maura?

You lying mofos!

I'm gonna kill you.

Stop it. Stop it!
We are fed up.

We have no energy
for this goddamn shit.

Smell that armpit.
DEANNA: Stop!

Our whole house
looks like Pompeii,
and you two are wrestling?

I'll tell you what.

Since we're all
finally telling
the goddamn truth,

here's our truth.

And we mean this
from the bottom
of our hearts.

We are so tired
of the both of you.

We're so tired.
We really are.

You know, everybody
always said to us...

"Enjoy your kids
while they're young
because it goes so fast."

I don't know what the fuck
they were talking about,

because it seems like
we'll never be done.

We keep trying
to pass you the baton.

You won't take it.

Take it!

Just take
the fucking baton!

I agree. We all think
you should take
the baton, Kate.

Maura, cut the shit.
We're talking to you, too.

Me?
Yeah, you.

BUCKY: Go and live your life

and stop following us around
like we're gonna die
any minute.

Yeah, we probably
have more sex

than the both of you.
Yeah.

We know!
Yeah. We interrupted
one of your day-bangs.

Oh, my God!

You know,
if it takes a village...

I want a different village,
because this one sucks!

Why can't you guys
just be... (SCREAMING)

(ALL GASPING)

Haley!
DEANNA: Haley!

MAURA: Oh, God.
DAVE: Oh, shit!

BRINDA: Oh, sweet Jesus!
MAURA: Haley!

KATE: Haley?
HALEY: Mom!

DEANNA: Bucky,
do something!
BUCKY: Haley!

Haley!

(ALL GASPING)

DAVE: Oh, shit!
Kate!

PAZUZU: This party
is unbelievable.

I am not going in
to work tomorrow.
TSA can kiss my ass.

Kate, I've been through
this shit before
when my condo sankholed.

I'm gonna
talk you through it.

Your first instinct
is gonna be

just to go to sleep
and deal with it
in the morning,

but don't do that.

I got a ladder.
Kate!

Is it cold?
KATE: Yes, it's fucking cold!

Hush!
It looks cold.

Everyone's distracted
by the emergency right now.

I wanna be
balls deep in joy.

Then be in it.

Back into me.

Backing into you.

(IMITATING TRUCK BEEPING)

I'm in. Lock it up.

Okay, I got you.
BUCKY: We got the ladder.

Kate!
Come on up the ladder.

We can do this
together, all right?

Everyone say
a non-denominational

silent prayer
to themselves, please.

Haley, don't be scared.
Here we go.

That's really high.
MAURA: Come on,
you can do it!

HALEY: It's too steep.
I'm gonna fall.
KATE: It's the only way out.

Look, there's Gramps.
Oh, you're not
gonna slip, honey.

Come on.
I can't, I can't.

We need to get in there
and help them.
I need all your carabiners!

I'm all over it.

KATE: Hales, this could
keep sinking.

Do you want me
to climb with you?

What?

I'll climb with you, okay?
I'm gonna climb right here,
next to you.

(SIGHS)

MAURA: Kate, you can do it!

Mommy used to do this
at parties, because
she was a fucking idiot.

Come on. Come on.
Come on, now.

DAVE: Everybody!

Don't look down. You got it.
ALL: Kate! Kate! Kate!

Okay. Come on.

There we go.

ROB: Yep. Yep.
Come on, girl.

You got it.
Haley. Come on!

MAURA: You're almost there.

Come on. I got it!
Mom?

I'm the mom!
Come on.

(ALL CHEERING)

DAVE: All right!

Now, everybody
get the hell out of here,
before I call your children!

You jumped
into a sinkhole

and climbed
a rock wall to save me.

Yeah, it's called
Mom strength.
I basically She-Hulked.

You're my Kid.

It's the only job
I'll never quit.

(SNIFFS)

Did you smell
my head?

Yeah, smells good.

You're such a weirdo.

Remember, I can
throw a car at you.

(DEANNA MUTTERING)

DEANNA: Maybe it'll look
better in the daylight?

Why is it blue?

Well, we are
totally fucked.

Oh, my God, Mom,
don't say "fucked."

It sounds so wrong
coming out of your mouth.

Oh, too fucking bad.

I'm pissed.

And I'll say
whatever I wanna say

because I am cuntingly
disappointed in you!

Wow.
BUCKY: All right.

That's not even a word.
Don't you dare sass me
like your sister.

BUCKY: We are going home

and your asses are
getting up at 6:00 a.m.
to clean up.

What?
And put some
underwear on!

What are you doing?
I mean, it's just shameful!

God, you guys
need to chill out.

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

KATE: Calm down, Mom!

DEANNA: Fuck off!

MAURA: (READING) Dear diary,
tonight we had a party
that turned into a foam orgy.

I made out with a sweet, hot,
funny guy who really liked me

until he fell down
butthole-first on a ballerina.

(SIGHS)

What a night.

Asses up!

DEANNA: Now!

(GASPS)
Oh, God!

Who's that?

Whoa!
What happened here?

Oh.

Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Ellis.

You look great.

You find
my hearing aid?

Where did you
leave it?

She can't hear you.

She had to take them out
because the beeping
was freaking me out

when I was on drugs.

What?

Nobody's lips
are moving.

Okay. I'm pretty sure
I swallowed
all my credit cards,

so I'm gonna go
deal with that.

Come on, my love.

Happy Birthday!

When the girls were little,
I used to wash their hair
with this sprayer.

I could put this one
in the condo, if you like.

No.

I'll remember it.

Scratch my back?

BUCKY: There?
DEANNA: Mmm-hmm. Mmm.

BUCKY: Mmm-hmm?
(SIGHS)

MAURA: Listen, Dad...

I'll buy the house as is
and Kate and Haley
can stay here.

No, you won't.

Let me fix things.
You've done enough.

Don't you have
a plane to catch?

BUCKY: When are you gonna
learn that your help
isn't always wanted?

KATE: I can't offer
as much as Maura can,

but I do have
some money.

Can I please
live in your house,
temporarily, with Haley,

and fix it up?

Don't have to
answer right away...
No.

Please,
just go home.

I have no more home.

Oh, pulling out the
granddaughter card.

God damn it.

All right, I'll give you
two weeks to fix it up

and then
I'm torching it
for insurance.

Okay.

That's everything I have.

Can you fix
the damage for that?

No.

But I'll help you
do it. (SIGHS)

Is Maura still in town?

No.

I thought you
flew to Atlanta.

Uh...

I didn't wanna leave town
until I said I was sorry.

And I think I melted
my driver's license

in the microwave,
the other night.

I'm sorry, Kate.

I'm sorry
that I didn't tell you
that Haley was with me.

Will you forgive me
for that?

I'm gonna milk it
for a while.

Okay.

I made you something.

I was gonna send it to you,
but I didn't have any stamps

because they don't
make them anymore.

"Sisters are always there
for each other.

"But some sisters
think they're hot shit,

"and do super-intrusive,
fucked-up things,

"like secretly harbor
the other one's child
so they can feel superior."

Quotes are usually short.

So are dicks,
but sometimes
you hit the jackpot.

Keep reading.

"And some sisters
live their lives in chaos,
like a goddamn tornado,

"so the other sister
has to clean it up
all the time.

"So, they're both wrong.
The end."

When I was
party mom,

I realized that always
having to take care
of everyone's shit sucks.

And I'm sure
you realized

that it's not all fun
being selfish
and leaving a mess.

It's pretty fucking fun.

We need to say goodbye
to this house
and who we were here.

You know, James told me
that a house is a building

but home is a feeling.

He's smart.
You need to lock
that guy down.

(SIGHS)
I blew it with him.

No, he's still
asking about you.

He is?
Yeah.

He is the greatest.

James just needs some...

No! Stop deciding
what other people need.

You need help.
Let him help you.

I got to go scrub
"I heart balls"
off the fridge.

I'm sorry I wrote that.

Wait!
Mmm.

What do I do
when I see him?

See, I'm asking
for help already.

Find a way to
make him come to you.

But go big.

Make it clear
that you need him.

MAURA: Help!

Help!

Help.

I know you used
to be a lifeguard.

I need it.

Save me, please!

Oh, my God.

I'm drowning.

Don't die.

Come here.

Water feels good
on my ballerina hole.

(SIGHS)

What about
your dick burns?
Ooh.

Nice to meet you,
Dick Burns.

(TRUCK BEEPING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

How in the hell
did you pull this off?

Well, I usually give 30%
and I went for
the full 100 this time.

You might need
one more coat.

What?

There we go.

Thanks for doing this.
Oh, well...

Thank you
for bringing me Dave.

He's really quite
the tender love maker.

Big Dave.

(LAUGHS)

Very big Dave.
All right.

Big, big, big,
big, big boy.

Okay. I think Dave
is just what you needed.

Yeah.

Whoo! I can barely walk.

So, this is awesome.

Come on, girlfriend.

Dave has chlamydia.

Right, friendship.

Mom, this guy wants
to know if he can get
10% off his manicure

because he only
has nine fingers.

Hang up. It's your
grandpa pranking us.

Nice try, Gramps.

Gross! Get a room!

Ah, you know
you love it.

(CHUCKLES)
KATE: It's 10:00!

Champagne time.

JAMES: I'm gonna
do this every week.

Hae-Won, you're incredible.
Thank you, Jack.

High five!
No.

Sorry.
All right, everybody,
gather up.

On behalf of my co-owner
Hae-Won and myself.

Yay!
Thank you, Alex,

for investing in our dreams.

Just here to
do my part.
(CHUCKLES)

Whoa! Hair part!
(LAUGHING)

Oh, God.
Here we go.

Yoinks!
(CHUCKLES)

There is a lid
for every pot.
(CHUCKLES)

I'm gonna punch him
right in the dick.

Let's do this!
(SQUEALYS)

MAURA: Merry Christmas.

Haley, you ready?
HALEY: I'm coming!

Hello! Hi.

Merry Christmas,
my two angel.

And welcome
to your new home!
(CHUCKLES)

(KIDS LAUGH)

Come on,
let's go pick a room!

Really?

No, wheelie.
(LAUGHS)

If this doesn't smell
like our Christmas,
I will flip a table.

DEANNA: Hil

Oh, hi!

BUCKY: All right, hi!
DEANNA: Oh, come here.

DEANNA: Look at you.
JAMES: No, look at you.
Look at you.

DEANNA: Cookies!

Oh, how beautiful!
Look at these!
JAMES: They're store-bought.

Good to see you.
Good to see you.
Good to see you.

Did you make these?
No.

No, I bought them
at a gas station.

Still feels like
our Christmas.

Yeah.

Because we're the home.

Yeah.

Come here, bootch.

Let me lead,
I'm the big sister.
Okay.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

What kind of...
Fuck. (LAUGHS)

Sorry. Bloopers!
MAN: Yeah.

Whoo! Hey, I putin
a special request
for our Applebutt...

Hey, I...
Fuck me, sorry.
Fuck, sorry.

Can I try it again?
Ellis I... Sure.

MAN: Let's try again.
Sorry.

Oh, you probably
don't remember.

Oh, I remember.

Oh, I remember.
I don't remember.

My safe word
is "Dow Jones
Industrial Average."

My safe word is
"geopolitical disaster."

My safe word is
"pseudoparathyroidism."

(SINGING) That girl is poison

(CHUCKLES)

She's dangerous

(LAUGHS)

I am done wasting words
on that cum-guzzling
road whore.

Wow.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Huh?
Huh?

Sorry.
(CHUCKLES)

I can't believe that
you haven't farted

this whole time.
(LAUGHING)

Good job. Now I put it
in your head, sorry.

No, they've
been silent.

MAN: Okay, here we go.
(BOTH LAUGHING)

Hae-Won.
Am I saying it correctly?

Hae-Won.

I'm just gonna
throw it away. Hae-Won.

No.

(LAUGHS)

Hae...

(CHUCKLES)

Wait, I've got it.

Hae-Won.

(CHUCKLING)

Hae-Won.

Hae-Won.

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(CLICKS TONGUE)
Let me just see if
I'm pronouncing it correctly.

Sorry.

Hae-Won.

(CREW MEMBERS LAUGHING)

MAN: And cut.