Original subtitles

Yes, I can't wait to munch on some lunch.

Whoa, whoa, easy there, slugger.

Dang it. Come on.

Can't reach the chocolate milk.

Tina, let me see your arm for a second?

- Oh, um... Uh... - I'll give it right back.

Just lean in, Tina! Grab it!

- No, the one behind it! - I can't--

- Oh, okay. - Ah, thanks.

- No problem. - Gah!

Shorter students need sugary milk too, right?

So do big buxom boys!

- Louise. - Oh, hey, Arnold.

Can I join you? There's a matter of great importance

we need to discuss.

Okay...

Louise's brother, sister. Greetings.

- Hey. - Hi.

I'm starting a business that will serve the Wagstaff community,

and, um, I need your help.

It's a bodyguarding service.

- Oh! - Who's the bodyguard?

- Me. - Oh.

Yeah, and I'm calling it Mr. Safebody.

I don't wanna be rude,

but you're kinda not maybe the most physically obvious choice

of a person to be a bodyguard because of your general size and shape?

I mean, you make me look like a giant.

Being a bodyguard has very little to do with size.

It's 90% up here.

And it seems like you didn't notice what I have down here...

- Um... - I'm talking about my belt.

- Oh, got it. - It's green now.

I recently leveled up in karate,

and I'm ready to use my skills in the real world.

Not sure what you need me for.

You got that belt, it's green.

Something changed in me when I got this belt.

It whispered to me.

"Go. Help people. You're ready, buddy."

My belt said, "I don't go with those shoes."

I just need kids to believe in Mr. Safebody.

And, Louise, you can sell them on my abilities.

I saw what you did with that oral report

on the book I'm sure you didn't read.

That's where the red fern grows.

Right here. Right here!

Thank you.

I want you to help me make a video.

- A video? - Yes. A video advertising my services.

Like your book report, but it'll be me in a video.

I put it online. Maybe a website. Maybe a Super Bowl ad.

- I'm not sure yet. - Mmm-hmm.

It all just sounds a little ambitious, so... I politely decline?

Don't answer yet.

I just did--

Take some time. Think about it. And remember,

un-big people can do not-un-big things.

Huh. Uh, wait, what?

Crap. Lunch is over. Forgot to eat.

Gotta get it in me.

I'm a growing boy,

who needs his food, vitamins, and minerals.

It's like watching a tiny little Cookie Monster.

The plate goes in here

'cause we don't throw 'em out. But I wanna.

One burger of the day, please.

Oh, hi, Teddy. You're in a good mood.

I'm riding high from blasting '90s mainstream alternative rock in my truck!

Remember the band Exit Ramps?

♪ Hey, buddy, do you like the way I do my thing? ♪

Ugh, yeah. Um, why are you listening to that?

There's a new '90s mainstream alternative rock radio station, Crank FM!

Trust me, if you like '90s mainstream alternative rock,

you'll like Crank FM.

I might not like Crank FM.

I want to listen to Crank FM!

Yeah! We should put it on!

Mmm... Um, no.

Okay, I can just sing it!

♪ Hey, buddy, do you like the way I do my thing? ♪

♪ Do the thing ♪

It's bad, but I like it.

Okay. I'm just gonna go make you a burger, Teddy,

so I don't have to listen to that anymore.

You're not gonna remember any of that, are you?

Hey, me again.

Have you thought any more about making a video for Mr. Safebody?

Yeah, Arnold, I haven't.

Uh, just let me show you what I can bring to the table.

The safety table.

Okay, why don't you protect me from that guy?

- Mr. Frond? - Yeah, beat him up.

Mmm... You see, in karate,

we train in the art of fighting without fighting.

One little punch.

Ah, Louise, as a green belt,

I can sense things

that normal people without green belts cannot sense.

I have become a master at avoiding danger.

- Follow me. - Where are we going?

Every day when the final bell rings,

the seventh-grade boys pour into the south hall, full of beans,

seventh-grade boy beans. Welcome to the testoster-zone.

It looks like they're playing Crotch Punch today,

a game where one kid punches another kid in the crotch.

Okay, yeah?

And Mr. Safebody is gonna get you through this crowd

and out the door without ever coming into contact

with a single seventh-grade boy.

Bodyguarding!

Or we just use the front door and not do this?

Don't worry. You see, the hallway is a river,

and we just need to avoid the rocks.

The seventh-grade boys, they're the rocks.

It's a metaphor. See, karate's all about metaphors. And hydrating.

Go left. Bodyguarding!

Go right. Bodyguarding!

You don't need to whisper "bodyguarding."

Left-handed crotch puncher,

give him a wide bird.

And Mr. Safebody just safed your body.

Okay, sure, we avoided the crotch punchers,

but bodyguards can't just avoid things.

I mean, there's no action movie called The Avoider.

Not yet. One more thing I wanna show you.

- Cool wood. Why do you have it? - You'll see.

All right, now just hold it a little higher!

Even higher.

Still higher. Perfect.

Don't worry, you will not be harmed!

- Why do you keep saying that? - Yeah, I don't like it.

Hey, doing some after-school wood holding?

- Nice. - Quiet! Please.

- I need to concentrate. - Jeez.

Kiai!

- What? - Holy crap!

- Whoa. - I always believed in you!

Did that baby just break a board?

Okay, Arnold, I'm sold. I'll help you make your video.

And you have to teach me how to break a board.

Of course. It'll take months of training. We can do it at night.

Okay, never mind. I'm busy.

- Got it. So, just the video? - Yeah, just the video.

Welcome, everyone. We're all here to help launch Arnold's new bodyguarding service.

It's called Mr. Safebody.

Oh, that's pretty cool.

- Don't get attached to the name. - Too late.

We need to come up with a concept that's thrilling,

action-packed, and tastefully violent.

What's tastefully violent?

- Homework. - Ooh, fun.

So, we just film Arnold breaking boards?

Maybe spice it up with different boards?

Chalkboard, clipboard, cheese board?

We're gonna break a few boards, but not just that.

'Cause nobody gets bullied by a board.

Tell that to Corporate America.

Arnold, I think we gotta film you in a fight.

Whoa, whoa, my goal is to avoid fighting.

Nobody wants to watch you avoid a fight.

People need to see you beat up bad guys.

- I'm not gonna beat anybody up. - Okay, okay. How about this?

Not a real fight. A fake fight.

We set it all up, but we shoot it like it's real.

Like I was just walking by and caught it on camera.

The camera on my parents' iPad.

But no one needs to know it's your parents'.

I'd like to give them a special thanks.

- No special thanks. - Sorry, Mom and Dad.

- There should be dancing. - No, this should look like a street fight.

Street fights have dancing.

You don't know! You live in your ivory tower!

You don't know what it's like. There's tons of dancing!

- Gene, shush. - Uh, I don't know...

You know, a fake video that people think is real,

it feels like it violates the karate code.

No, it'll be like a martial arts movie!

Those are fake, but the karate is real.

Think of all the kids you'll help because of this video.

Millions, I bet. I don't know how many kids go to our school.

Great. Gene and Tina will play the bad guys.

And they'll wear hoodies so nobody recognizes them.

Who am I? A different bad guy?

Kind of the boss?

- Oh. Victim. - Yeah.

Fine. This is bull honk.

- What's that? - Nothing. Excited for the opportunity.

Where are we gonna film?

Maybe like a dirty dead-end street,

full of steamy manholes, extra steamy?

No. We need it to look like our school.

People have to see Arnold in his element.

But we can't actually film it there

because we don't want kids to see us staging a fight.

It just hurts the whole real fight thing.

My cousin Mandy says that sometimes older kids

break into that abandoned high school. But we shouldn't go there.

- Why not? - 'Cause the older kids

that hang out there sometimes do bad things.

- Like what? - I'm not sure! She didn't say!

Probably rituals, summoning demons, I don't know.

Who am I to judge? We'll shoot it there.

I thought we just established that's a terrible idea.

People, please! We get in, we get out.

It's fine. We need the daylight. Can we agree?

- Okay. - I guess daylight makes sense.

Come on, let's go.

Hey, Mom, Dad, we're gonna go somewhere very safe

and do the rest of our school project.

Um, why did you say "somewhere very safe"?

Because it's that safe!

Do you not want us to be safe, Papa?

Of course we want you to be safe!

- Where are you going? - School. A school.

A safe school. Bye!

Well, that's not a building I'm excited to go into.

Dang, it's all fenced in. I guess we have to head home and--

- Crap, there's an opening. - Ooh! Good eye.

Yup. Yup.

Thank you. Afternoon delight, I call this.

- Aw. - Please don't call your coffee

"afternoon delight."

Why?

- What the heck? - Whoa.

- They're in a hurry. - Maybe they're excited to go shopping?

Our street has stores, kinda.

The radio is so loud.

Crank FM. '90s mainstream alternative rock!

Hey! It's Crank FM!

- Oh, yeah! - Oh, my God.

Oh, I love this one! Gravel Jelly, I think.

Ugh, you can't leave your car like that.

Right? With the music playing?

Bob, it's Gravel Jelly.

- What? - Come on.

Wow, you can really see the abandonment.

Um, what do you think that graffiti means?

"I eat your soul." Seems self-explanatory.

Okay, this hallway is pretty rough,

but I think if we push the trash off to the side, close some lockers,

and frame the graffiti out, we'll be good.

All right, now let's get into wardrobe, people!

God, I'm a good director.

So, yeah, that's the license plate number.

I don't know if it's an emergency, but the car is running,

and the door is open and the guy hasn't come back.

And the music is so, so loud. It's Crank FM.

Do you know it? Doesn't matter.

I guess I'll just reach into the car real quick and turn the radio off.

Oh! It is? Uh, I won't touch anything.

Except for the radio? Can I--

Okay! Okay! I won't touch it.

What? What's going on?

The car is stolen. And it was used in a crime.

So, it's an active crime scene.

- It's a crime car? - Whoa!

We've got Crank FM playing in a crime car.

This is so exciting.

Okay. Uh, please hurry 'cause the music is so loud

and it's a genre I really don't care for.

Hello? Oh. Uh, someone's on the way.

Soon, I hope. 'Cause the music.

Wow, the guy committed a crime.

As if '90s mainstream alternative rock couldn't get any edgier.

We'll start with Rudy standing at his locker,

putting away books.

That's where my bad guys come in.

My character's name is Kevin, by the way. He hates his stepdad.

His older brother just went away to the Navy. Old Navy.

He got a job there. And Kevin's feeling alone right now,

- but lovin' that discount. - Ah, great. Use it.

Uh, Kevin, you're gonna walk up to Rudy

and slap the books out of his hands.

- And I'm gonna pick 'em up. - No, no, no. You're, um, Michael,

Kevin's tough buddy. You grab Rudy and Kevin's about to punch him

when Mr. Safebody walks up, shin-kicks one of you and throat-punches the other.

- Everybody good? - Yup.

- Got it. - Quick question.

Uh, will those be real shin-kicks and throat-punches?

Let's see where the scene takes us. Just be in the moment.

Don't worry. I'll stop a fraction of an inch

- in front of your skin. - Oh, God.

Okay, places, everyone!

And action!

- Another great day of school-- - Cut!

- Cut! No! No lines, Rudy. - What?

We don't want our voices in this.

Just grounding the performance--

- What's that? - Nothing! Great note!

Yes, it is! Starting over.

Action!

Okay, Kevin and Michael enter.

- Whee! - Whoa! Gene. Cut!

- What? - First of all,

like I said to Rudy, no talking!

- Second, are you spinning? - Should I shimmy?

- You can't spin-- - Why did you say, "Like I said to Rudy."

I don't understand. I like your choices, Gene!

- Thank you! - You know who's replaceable? Everyone!

Okay. Starting over! Action!

Nope, nope, no running away.

Okay, we're going again!

Kiai! Kiai! Kiai...

This looks pretty good.

- That looks real. - I look kinda buff for a victim.

Is it believable that I couldn't take care of myself?

- I don't believe it. - I bought you as a victim.

- Oh, good. - Nice work, everybody.

That's a wrap-a-roo! I think Spielberg says that.

Now, as a fun reward, can we leave this broken-glass-covered hellhole?

- Whoops. - What the crap?

Did you just spill our Ocean Breeze Blaster?

- Uh... - That was our only one!

We had to steal it from Devon's grandma!

Well, you stole it from my grandma.

Now we're gonna have to spill you.

- Oh, dear lord. - Ahhh! I just spilled a little in my pants

just to get the ball rolling.

Hey. You guys might wanna reconsider how you talk to us.

We have a secret weapon.

Our friend Arnold here. He takes karate and he's a green belt.

And you guys should be very afraid of him.

Arnold, mess 'em up.

Uh, what's the plan here?

Um, run?

- Sounds good! - I'm open to that!

We're comin' for you, karate kids!

We're coming for all of you!

Whoo!

Tina? Gene? Rudy? Arnold? Where are you guys?

Uh...

- Tina? - Hi.

Uh... Wait, how did you find me?

Dumb luck, I guess.

- How are we gonna get out of here? - I'm not sure.

Those guys didn't seem intimidated by Arnold screaming and running.

Little baby karate kids!

Our fists wanna see you! 'Cause they wanna punch you!

We shouldn't fall for this come see their fist thing. It's a trap.

Oh, remember this one?

♪ It's a see-through Sunday! ♪

♪ And I'll see you someday ♪

Oh, the cops are here, thank God.

♪ It's a see-through Sunday! ♪

- ♪ And I'll see you someday ♪ -

♪ And that's the day that you will see me too ♪

♪ 'Cause we have plans to go to the cafe... ♪

He's not gonna turn it off.

Yay!

He's securing the scene till the fingerprint guy gets here.

And the fingerprint guy is far away.

That's great 'cause it's almost time for Rock Block.

Commercial-free 30 minutes.

I'm gonna go upstairs and lie down.

R-r-r-rock Block!

- Or maybe sell the restaurant. - No.

- Or take a bottle of pills. - Bob.

Well, french fry...

I don't know how you got here or how long you've been sitting there,

but that's never stopped me before.

- Come here you-- - Gene!

Put down the french fry!

Is anyone else hiding in here?

I saw a dead rat. Don't know if that counts as hiding.

Let's keep moving.

Unlike that rat. Rest in peace, buddy.

Did a bunny from a Pixar movie just sneeze?

Does the bunny have asthma?

Hi. It's dusty in here.

Glad you guys are still alive.

- Where's Arnold? - We haven't found him yet.

My legs fell asleep, so I might fall down when I get outta here.

- Oh. - Boom. Called it.

Arnold!

Arnold!

Ugh, what's that smell?

It's not me. Uh, I don't think. Wait, wait, is it?

- It's like a sewer. - That could be me.

Oh, wow. We found the smell.

I guess this is where they keep their sewage water.

- Must've been hard to play sports here. - What's that, a little stage?

Looks like they had some kind of pep rally

before the poop storm hit.

- Poop rally. - It doesn't seem like Arnold's in here.

No, I'm here.

- What? Where? - In a box.

Hi. Um, sorry I ran off.

It's fine. Wasn't great, but we're past that now.

But why did you hide in the poop room?

I ran in here and didn't realize how bad it smelled till I committed to the box.

People, we're looking for windows. We're looking for child-sized holes,

hatches, any way we can get out of here

- and avoid the teens. - So, just run away?

Yes, but together this time.

Less like what you did before.

It's true. I screamed and ran away a little bit.

But it's not right, those guys trying to scare us. We're little kids.

- I'm a young woman, but I'll let it slide. - I don't like it either.

And that's a great topic to dive into later.

Right now, I'm excited to avoid them.

You know, avoiding, like you like to do.

Well, I kind of think I want to face them.

Yeah, we tried that and ended like this.

- Hiding in a poop room. - Thriving in a poop room.

Oh, God. Is someone slamming lockers?

Whoo!

It sounds like they're getting closer.

Close the doors! Close the doors!

- Okay, hold them shut! Quietly! - Tenderly.

Maybe they left?

They probably have a lot of homework.

I hear high schoolers have up to three hours of homework a night.

That's so unfair. Teens need sleep. Not to mention downtime.

Hold them shut!

Hey, kids! Our fists called.

They want your faces back! Whoo!

Our faces are flattered but spoken for!

Okay, we have to find something to jam in the door handle

and then we fashion some sort of boat, sail across the poop water,

and drop out the windows onto Tina.

- Wait, what? - What do we stick in the door handles?

We don't even have the first part of this plan!

Louise, in karate, you avoid fighting to avoid causing others pain.

You do not avoid fights out of fear.

Oh, really? That's like my favorite reason to avoid fights.

Arnold! No more karate wisdom.

The truth is we're small and they're big.

That's the world we're living in, pal.

Those guys are gonna keep doing this to other kids

unless someone stands up to them.

And good luck to that person.

They're gonna do great.

We can do this. We can fight them.

How do we frickin' fight them, Arnold?

By fighting without fighting.

Oh, my God. This again?

Yeah, this again.

- They're stronger, but we're smarter. - And hotter!

Come on, we gotta think.

It's hard to think when you're holding a door!

- So we can let go? - No! No, no, no!

Okay! Okay, okay, okay!

Hey! It's the fingerprint duster guy!

Finally. Look, he's got his little dusting kit.

- Aw, it's in a caboodle. - It's about to get turned off.

He's gonna save me.

- Nuts. - Damn it.

Oh, wait. I know this one.

I don't recognize it.

I don't remember the band, but it's catchy.

It kind of builds to a big chorus.

- Oh, he's crankin'. - Yeah, he is.

He's crankin' all over the place.

- ♪ And you know I wanna ♪ -

- Hey! - Oh! The duster guy turned it off.

- What the hell? - Hey! Turn the radio back on!

We were listening to that!

There's a body in the backseat.

- What? - Oh.

Kidding. Here you go.

- This guy! - Hoo-hoo-hoo!

♪ Whoa, whoa ♪

♪ You know what, you know what... ♪

I don't know if this is gonna work, Arnold.

If I die, bring the iPad back to my parents.

Ugh!

Oh, God, it smells like poop in here!

Are you babies not potty trained yet?

Uh, very funny, older teens.

Very funny.

It's me, Arnold, the green belt.

And I'd like to fight the strongest among you.

What?

What part of he'd like to fight the strongest among you

did you not understand?

Uh, okay. Well, that's me.

I'm the strongest. Big time.

I mean, we're both beefy boys.

Devon! Come on, let's go. Right here, right now.

- Fight stance! - Oh, no, no, no. You're not fighting here.

What do you mean not here? Where are we fighting?

I would like to fight you out there.

Pretty cool fight location.

- Don't you agree? - Whoa.

Some people are calling it Doo-Doo Island.

What's the problem? Afraid you'll fall in the doo-doo water

- and smell like doo-doo forever? - And you'll never find love

because every date, they'll leave saying

"That guysmells like doo-doo"?

- Pfft. I'm not afraid of anything. - Sounds like you are.

It's okay to be a little afraid sometimes.

Shut up! Oh, my God. Let's fight already.

Are we doing this, or are we doing this?

Okay, I'm going. It's just narrow, man!

Let's go, Ralph Not-So-Much-io.

Whoa, whoa, what are you doing? We're supposed to fight!

That was the fight. We just defeated you.

Uh, put the plank back up right now!

Devon, put the plank back up!

I'm not touchin' it!

- It's in doo-doo water! - Put back the plank!

- Say you'll never scare kids again. - Okay, that's what I'll say,

I'll never scare kids again. Ugh!

Maybe we should scoop up doo-doo water and toss it at him.

No! Please! Please!

I seriously have a thing about getting poop water in my face.

- I just... I can't... - Then say it!

I'll never scare kids again. I swear to God!

School's out. Time to go home.

Devon. Devon! Get me off Doo-Doo Island!

- How? - Find another plank!

- I don't see any. - Devon!

I don't understand why that school's closed. I'd go there.

The lockers are surprisingly comfortable.

Arnold, that was pretty cool.

I told you, Louise. Un-big people can do not-un-big things.

And back to not cool.

Oh! We haven't filmed you breaking the board.

Do it at the beach?

- We've got some nice light right now. - That's okay.

I realized I don't want to be a bodyguard anymore.

- Oh. - I want to be a superhero.

Okay.

Mr. Safebody! Student by day, superhero by night.

- Sure. - Well, not too late at night.

Don't want to miss books and bedtime.

♪ And you know what I wanna ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I wanna, I wanna I wanna, I wanna ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ I wanna, I wanna I wanna, I wanna ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ You know it, you know it you know it, I wanna ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Throw down ♪

♪ Dance with me I love it ♪

♪ Yeah, don't look back ♪

♪ That was then and we don't want that ♪

♪ Time for a throwdown ♪

♪ Look into your eyes when I'm dancing for ya ♪

It's bad, but I like it!