Original subtitles

- Hey, kids. - How was school?

- Titillating. - Whoa, language.

I pooped a marble.

Or there was already a marble in the toilet when I pooped.

Either way, wanna check out my new marble?

- Uh, no thanks. - Tina's had a big day.

- Yeah, I won a sports thing. - Oh, yeah?

- Really? - I got a certificate and everything.

And by everything, I mean I got a certificate.

You're looking at Wagstaff's Eighth Grade American Association

for Youth and Fitness Free Throw Champion.

- That's great, hon! - Yeah.

- Uh, wow. - We're as shocked as you are.

You know, I won a free throw thing, too, when I was in fourth grade.

The apple didn't fall far from my bush.

- It's the tree, not bush. - No, it's bush.

No.

- How many shots did you make, Tina? - 17.

You shoot 25 free throws and whoever makes the most wins, which was me.

- All right! - Wow!

- Way to go! - That's great, Tina.

I didn't know you knew how to shoot free throws.

I didn't, but it turns out it's pretty easy.

You just take the ball and do this.

Huh.

I believe that's referred to as the granny throw.

You know it's a cool way to do something when the word granny is involved.

Oh, my cute little granny thrower.

I threw it the normal, not weird way,

- but that way is great, too. - Yeah, so I advanced to the next round.

County finals are a week from Saturday.

And if I win that, I go on to regionals.

And if I win that, I go on to state.

And if I win that, I go on to nationals.

And then you take on the wacky aliens from Space Jam?

- Maybe. - Wow, I want to go to the county finals.

I want to be in the crowd cheering you on.

And hey, I've got one of those foam fingers at home.

I've been using it as a not-so-great oven mitt.

Right, the crowd that'll be watching me.

- Love it. - Tina, you wanna do it, right?

No, yeah, I... I want to.

It's fun being good at something sportsy.

And Jimmy Jr.'s coaching me.

He didn't make as many as me, like not even close,

but he does technically play basketball.

And I find it helpful to stand behind him when he shoots

and watch his, um, form.

- Mmm. - Butt form.

Uh-huh, I got it.

- Contracting and relaxing. - No need for more.

You guys like sitting up in the nosebleeds, huh?

I'm getting a little vertigo up here.

Well, the kids wanted to sit up high.

We don't take them out much, so they think this is exciting.

I'm king of the world! Whee!

No, no, Gene, you're shaking 'em!

Gene, stop. Kids, sit down.

- Fine. - Boo.

- These bleachers are a little steep. - A little steep?

I had to crawl on all fours to get up here.

I mean, you didn't have to, but you definitely did.

- People were staring. - Ah, my foam finger.

Gotta get it. It feels like I'm falling.

- Am I falling? Oh. - Well, if the sports get boring,

at least Teddy will be fun to watch.

We do need snacks, though, parents.

I feel like this is traditionally a snack situation.

Let me see what I have in my purse.

Please say taco platter and table-side guac.

Welcome to... whoopsie-daisy.

Uh, we do encourage feedback, but not that kind.

Anyway, welcome to the American Association

for Youth and Fitness Free Throw County Finals.

It's time to bring our middle and high school county finalists

- onto the court for warm-ups. - Go, Tina!

- Wait, where is Tina? - Huh.

I assume she's gonna zipline in from the rafters?

Is it possible Tina grew her hair out

- and got shorter and she's that kid? - Maybe.

Why isn't she out there?

She probably just had a little pre-shoot poop.

See, I would have gone during, but that's why she's the champ.

There she is. Go, Tina!

Oh, dear Lord, why is anyone allowed to be up here?

Yeah, that's not Tina. Not everyone with glasses is Tina.

- Sometimes it's Mom. - Yep, we're a couple of glassy broads.

Hmm, hopefully she comes out soon.

She will. Well, kids, all I have in here is that gross sugar-free candy

from when I thought we should eat sugar-free candy.

That was a dark chapter.

All right, I'm gonna go see what they have at the little snack bar we saw.

Something fried and/or dyed.

And with some sugar for our thighs.

I know, I know.

Hmm, she should be out there by now.

She said she wanted to do this.

Did something happen?

Oh, maybe I didn't give her the best pep talk last night.

That sounds like you.

Oh, boy.

Hey, Tina.

So, uh, big day tomorrow.

Or, not a big day, just a normal day.

Or, not a normal day, a special day, sort of.

- Mmm-hmm. - Uh, okay. Great start.

Uh, I don't know about free throw stuff or sports in general.

I actually thought it was called three throws for a long time.

Like you got three throws, but you know,

it turns out that's incorrect.

And your mom meanly made fun of me when she found that out.

But free throws sounds weird too.

I mean, throws, why not shots? It's weird, right?

Anyway, that's not the point.

What I do wanna say is,

I hope you can have fun out there tomorrow, okay?

Mmm-hmm.

'Cause sometimes the fun can get lost

if it becomes all about winning,

and I want you to know that

no one is expecting you to win.

What? You don't think I can win?

Oh, of course you can.

I didn't mean no one is expecting you to win.

I mean no one is expecting you to win.

Uh-huh.

All I'm saying is that I don't want you to put

all this pressure on yourself 'cause it doesn't matter.

You know? None of this matters.

I mean, not none of this matters, but, you know,

it doesn't really in the grand scheme of things.

It's just a little free throw competition.

I mean, a very cool free throw-- Uh...

- So, okay? - Uh-huh.

All right, I'm exhausted. I'm gonna go.

Um, door open or closed?

I'll just leave it and you can...

Okay, goodbye or goodnight. I love you.

Uh, yeah.

Oh, my God, what have I done?

Next up, Tina Belcher.

- None of this matters. - Okay.

None of this matters.

None of this matters.

Here, none of this matters.

- None of this matters. - No, no, no, no.

None... of... this... matters.

Happy 26th birthday, Never-Moved-Out-Of-the-House-Tina.

- We saved up and got you a laptop. - Uh-huh.

You haven't written your erotic fiction in a long time,

but you used to love doing that, right? Maybe you could start again.

- Here. - Oh, wow. That's so nice of you, but,

I mean, none of this matters.

Oh. Okay.

Uh, hey, 42-year-old Tina. We want to show you something outside.

- It's really cool. - Okay, probably doesn't matter.

- What? What's going on? - Tina, honey, you can't just sit around

not caring about anything for the rest of your life.

You need to go out and make your way in the world.

So, we got you an apartment.

I'm sliding the keys under the door.

But none of this matters. You told me that.

You said that thing about how you thought they were called three throws.

- Oh, God, not that again. - And then you said nothing matters.

I know I said that but are you-- please don't kick the keys.

- Yeah, Tina don't kick the keys. - Tina, stop.

- Tina, no. - Do not kick-- Tina.

- No, Tina. No kicking. - Stop trying to kick the keys.

It's very hard to kick keys. Oh, she finally did it.

So that's something.

- Oh, God. - Okay, warm-ups are over

and it's time to get this party started.

Doing my best, folks.

Forgot my sound effects thing. Womp womp.

Tina better hurry up. She's gonna miss it.

I think I ruined Tina's life.

No, you didn't.

I feel like that's something you're supposed to say in this situation.

All right, I'm gonna go see what they have at the little snack bar we saw.

- Something fried and/or dyed. - And with some sugar for our thighs.

I know, I know.

It's not that steep. Whoa! Oh. Oh, gosh.

Maybe it is.

Mmm, good popcorn.

Wait, eh, okay popcorn. Ugh, Tina's still not out there?

Where the heck is she? Is something wrong?

She seemed a little nervous at bedtime last night,

but I thought I said some good things.

Good night, my little shooty patootie.

- You excited? - Uh-huh.

I'm so proud of you, being so good at this.

Uh-huh.

You know what? You're gonna do great tomorrow.

You're gonna do better than great.

Hey, I think you're gonna make all 25 baskets.

You're gonna make so many baskets,

you're gonna have to open up an Etsy account

to sell all the baskets you make.

Ha! You're mama's little winner,

and I'll be cheering you on to win, win, win.

♪ T-I-N-A ♪

♪ All the balls go in, hooray ♪

- ♪ That's Tina, yeah, yeah, that's Tina ♪ - Thank you.

♪ Yeah, yeah She's making all the baskets ♪

♪ And she's mama's little winner Oh, yeah ♪

Oh, God. Too far. I went too far.

Our next finalist is Wagstaff eighth grader, Tina Belcher.

Yeah, come on. Let's do this.

Ball me, Stripes.

Yeah.

Show me the money. E.T. phone home.

I'll have what she's having.

It puts the lotion in the basket.

25 out of 25. She won. Tina won!

And that's how it's done, son.

Please don't call me son. Or Stripes.

Too late, Sonny Stripes. This is for you, Mom.

I won because of you.

I'll never, ever stop being Mama's little winner.

That's right. I'm Mama. That's me.

Tina, time for Christmas.

Not until I make 3,000 free throws in a row.

Santa can friggin' wait. Yeah.

Dropped that one right downthe chimney.

And the gold medal for best free throwing

goes to Tina Belcher of the United States.

Eat it, rest of the world.

So, yeah, I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for my mom. This is her.

Hi!

Tina, you were once asked what you would do

if you ever lost, and you said, quote, "Losing is disgusting."

Makes me sick to miss even one shot.

If I do miss a shot, I don't let my family hug me

for a month because I'm not worthy of love.

- Uh... - Uh-huh, yeah, was there a question, or...

- Have you made winning too important? - No, what else is there?

Winning is everything. Anything less makes me throw up.

Like, actually throw up. But when I do throw up,

you know I get it all in the bowl.

Tina, sweetie, winning's not everything.

That's not what you said when you were saying goodnight

to me that one time a long time ago.

You said I was gonna make all the shots.

You wanted me to make all the shots, right?

- Um, uh... - You were very clear.

You said I was your little winner.

I was trying to be supportive and be a cheerleader.

Mama's little winner. That's what you said, right?

- Tina! - You did this to me. You did this to me!

- Ah! Aah! - Tina, no!

- Oh, boy. - Okay, warm-ups are over,

and it's time to get this party started.

Oh, God,

the thing's about to start, and she's not out here.

I ruined Tina's life.

Oh, God, I spilled the soda on the popcorn.

I ruined the popcorn's life, too. Why?

Hmm. Contracting and relaxing.

Contracting and relaxing.

Okay, last free throw, Jimmy Jr.

Your swish is my command. So close.

- You made eight out of 25. - Huh, felt like more.

Not to me. Okay, Tina, come on up.

- You're the last one. - Oh, okay.

- What do I do again? - Shoot free throws

for the free throw competition.

Remember when I said this is what we're doing for P.E. today?

Also, you literally just watched everyone do this.

Right, okay.

Huh.

Um, I, maybe, uh...

uh, can I... can I throw more like this?

You can, if you don't care how you look.

Oh, okay.

Granny's got game.

Last one, Tina.

Wow, nice work.

You made 17 out of 25 shots, throwing like that.

You just won the American Association for Youth

- and Fitness Free Throw Competition. - It was a competition?

Yeah, I told you. Never mind.

Congratulations. Now you move on to the county finals.

County finals? So I do this again?

With a basketball or something else this time?

With a basketball. Here, it's all in the information sheet.

Jonathan, stop messing with the scoreboard.

- It's not 69-69. - Hey, Tina.

Congrats on the free throw competition win.

County finals are coming up. You want me to coach you?

And... swish.

So, what do you say?

It's just that I made a lot more shots than you.

Tina, I'm on the basketball team and I'm really good.

It's just, my shots don't go in.

Oh, I get it. Kind of.

But basketball is a mental game.

I know the mindset you need to perform physically

in front of a big crowd.

I've done that really well before.

- It's gonna be in front of a crowd? - Oh, yeah.

There's gonna be bleachers full of parents,

grandparents, family friends, well-wishers,

passersby who want to see what all the fuss is about,

all watching you on that foul line.

Uh, a bunch of people watching me do a thing?

Yeah. You don't just need golden hands.

You need a mind of steel. Golden steel.

What the--

Huzzah!

Ha! I almost made it. Coach Blevins, were you looking?

He wasn't looking. I'll tell him later.

Okay, I can start coaching you today.

Meet me here at lunch. I mean, eat lunch,

because we need nutrition. Our bodies need fuel.

Gotta gas up the old basketball engine.

Huh? Oh, sure. Hey, um, does Wagstaff have ballet now?

Uh, they better not.

I've been petitioning for a modern street jazz dance class for months

and it's gotten, like, no traction.

Tina, in stressful physical situations, it's important to center yourself.

The key is to find your happy place,

your zen zone, your imagination vacation station.

- Uh-huh. - I'm talking about the most special place

you can think of.

You picture it, and then you go there

when you need to calm yourself.

And then you can take the shot in a state of total peace.

My zen zone is Dirty Dancing II: Havana Nights.

What's yours?

Whee!

- Aah! - Are you okay?

You want to try Dirty Dancing II: Havana Nights?

You don't have to have seen the first one, you know.

So I think practicing with Jimmy Jr. these past few days has really paid off.

- I made 19 baskets today. - That's great, Tina.

- Good job, sweetie. - Well, I guess Tina's a jock now.

Look at her. She just can't wait to snap our bottoms with a towel.

It's sad, really.

She only hurts people because she never learned how to read.

Guys, stop. I'm not a jock. I'm the same as you.

Just more athletic and good at something cool.

It is kind of nuts.

I mean, a Belcher competing in the finals of a thing

that involves a commonly known sports ball.

A big crowd of people chanting her name, doing the wave,

a halftime show starring Rihanna, featuring Pitbull.

Yep, big crowd. Dinner good, bedtime.

- Oh, uh, okay. - Are you all right?

- It's pretty early. - Yeah, just--

I wanna rest up for tomorrow.

Okay, uh, well, don't forget to brush your teeth.

I bet Michael Jordan brushed his teeth before every game.

- That's probably how he got his nickname. - Uh, what?

Yeah, they called him Air Jordan 'cause of his breath.

- It smelled like fresh air. - Okay, bye-bye.

Big day tomorrow. Or, not a big day, just a normal day.

Or, not a normal day, a special day.

♪ T-I-N-A ♪

♪ All the balls go in, hooray ♪

♪ That's Tina, yeah, yeah ♪

Tomorrow is gonna be fine.

This kind of thing probably happens all the time,

people watching other people do sports.

I feel like I've heard of that.

Now I'm just gonna fall asleep

because I'm so calm about all of this.

Aah! What the hell?

Balloons... just balloons.

Okay, one good night's sleep coming up.

Closing my eyes and they're not listening.

Using my hands.

Probably should have washed my hands.

Now my eye's kind of stinging. What is that, soy sauce?

Sleep through it.

When you hear your name, step to the line and I'll hand you the ball.

It's nice if you say thank you

but you don't have to say thank you 25 times.

Okay, it's time to welcome

our middle and high school county finalists

onto the court for warm-up.

All right, that's our cue. You're all gonna do great,

and please remember to leave immediately after the contest is over.

We have a square dance in here this afternoon,

which I'm also refereeing. Here we go!

Just gonna go in here.

Hello, Tina.

Uh... hi, Tina.

Look at that freak, throwing it overhand.

- How embarrassing. - At least he gets to be on the floor.

- So stable, so safe. - Bob, we need to go find Tina.

Yeah, I agree. I'm pretty sure this is all my fault

because I gave her the worst pep talk ever.

No, I did. It's my fault.

I screwed up our kid with my pep talk.

Parenting sounds fun.

Eh, it's hard, but sort of rewarding.

Sometimes. Not... not now.

Would it help if I took those snacks off your hands?

Okay, here.

- The top layer of this is moist. - It's soda!

- Smart. - Gross.

- Let me try it. Gross. - Maybe it needs more soda?

- Yeah, baby. - Gene, no!

Let me try it. It's getting there.

Why is this happening? Why are you haunting me, younger me?

Haunting you? I'm not haunting you.

- If I were haunting you, I'd say boo! - Aah!

I'm here to save us!

Do you not remember the ballet recital?

Oh, God. The ballet recital.

We loved ballet.

Twirling, leaping. The buns, the tutus,

getting to turn to your friend and say, "You wear a tutu, too?"

Oh, yeah.

Then we had our big recital. Miss Marion picked me to do the pirouette.

And as the recital got closer, I got more and more nervous.

And then, on the day of the performance, I started to pirou-sweat.

What if I messed up? What if I fell?

What if I farted in the middle

and the spinning sent the smell around the whole room?

So, I pretended to fall down

and I told Miss Marion I sprained my ankle

and my stomach and my face.

And then we didn't have to go out there.

Okay, but what does that have to do with right now?

You win some free throw thing

and now we're in the same situation all over again.

Yep, yep, right, right.

So, let's just come up with another injury.

Like your hands got stuck to your butt?

Your fingers got the flu? Your elbows popped off?

No, no, no. I can't do some ridiculous fake injury.

- It has to look real. - Yay!

Tina? Tina, it's Mom. Are you in here?

- She in there? - No, but I'm kinda glad.

I forgot how gross high school bathrooms are.

I hope Sasha T never goes in there.

- Who's Sasha T? - According to the wall, a skanky skank

- who lies about everything. - Well, what do we do?

Should we split up to cover more ground?

We could. Or we stick together,

and when we find her, we say dumb things at the same time.

Yes, good. A united dumb front. I like it.

Hmm, how can we hurt you? Oh, you could swallow a cone?

Mmm...

Or what if you break your arm off in the ball rack?

- Oh, yeah. Maybe? - Great, let's get your arm in there

- and break it off on three. - Aah!

- One, two-- - Wait!

Yeah?

- Are we sure about this? - Oh, yeah, definitely.

- Good plan. - Uh... Ow! Wait, but...

- What? - I have another idea, um, that I think

- you're gonna hate. - What is it?

It's just... sitting here, about to break my own arm off

so I don't have to do the scary thing,

it just kinda makes me think I should go out there

- and do the scary thing. - What?

What the H are you talking about?

All right, maybe we don't break it off.

We just weave it through the bars

and wait for it to die and fall off on its own.

Look, I know you're trying to help,

but I don't wanna run away this time.

Hello! It works! We didn't have to do the recital

and we still got ice cream after!

I mean, when I was six,

faking an injury because I was scared was a solid plan.

I was so little, I was just out of nighttime diapers.

Almost out of nighttime diapers.

- Yeah, I'm pretty sure we were-- - We were ten.

- Ten? - Yeah...

Okay, fine. But I'm not little anymore. I'm a big girl now.

But what if we go out in front of everyone

and miss every shot? And what about the spinning farting thing?

Well, there's no spinning, so that's good.

And yeah, we might go out there and do terrible and lose,

or we'll do great and we'll win.

Or something in between, I guess.

But I think what really matters

is we just go out there and have fun doing something

- we're good at, damn it. - You said a bad word.

- Yeah. - Damn it.

Well, don't you say it.

And our last contestant is Tina Belcher.

Oh.

Tina, please come to the floor.

It's time to... hoop, there it is.

Where are my Gen Xers at?

Crap, I gotta go now or I'll never get to do it.

- Uh... - It'll be okay.

Okay.

- Wait, Tina? - What?

- Damn it. - Okay, but that was the last time.

Tina Belcher.

One more time, Tina Belcher.

Looking for you on the court.

There she is. Tina Belcher.

Tina Belcher is here.

- Oh, Tina. She's there. - Oh, good.

- Let's get back to our seats. Come on. - Yeah. Ow!

Totally fine that it took you this long.

Gave us a moment to pause and reflect.

- Let's go, T. - Yay, Tina. Oh, God.

Did you find her and give her a new good pep talk?

- Against all odds? - No, but she's out there,

- so good job, Mom and Dad? - Yep, it counts.

Okay, time for this finger to fly.

Whoa, I'm doing it. I'm doing it.

Oh! Okay, I'm gonna sit down.

- She saw that, right? - Oh, yeah, she loved it.

Thank you.

♪ Granny throw ♪

♪ You know we granny throw Whoa-oh ♪

♪ Granny throw ♪

♪ We roll with the granny throw ♪

♪ Step to the line ♪

♪ I'm looking fine ♪

♪ Ball between my legs ♪

♪ Yeah, that's what I said ♪

♪ But don't you fret ♪

♪ 'Cause it's nothing but net ♪

- ♪ The crowd says ♪ - ♪ Hot damn ♪

♪ Check out that gram-gram ♪

♪ Granny throw ♪

♪ You know we granny throw ♪

♪ Break it down now ♪

♪ I'm a teenager but I throw like a granny ♪

♪ Gonna think that you're looking at a pro ♪

♪ It's uncanny I'm just that good ♪

♪ Don't need no luck ♪

♪ 'Cause overhand is just for suckers ♪